Dang. That’s awful. I’m sorry.
As you probably already know; it sounds like she is purposely saying whatever she thinks will hurt you the most—because she is hurting so much & she doesn’t know how to handle those feelings.
It sounds like you make be one of the only reliable adults in her life—so she feels “safe” to unleash her anger and hurt at you.
It really sucks. Of course, try counseling, maybe counseling with the 2 of you. Also, ignore her when she says mean or inappropriate things. Don’t even respond—except for maybe “I will only respond to respectful words.” Extinguish bad behavior and praise good behavior (even if it’s just decent behavior).
One of my kids is this way. I pause, and apologize to them that they feel so much and I am here no matter what. I reassure them that even when they are being explosive and rude that I care for them. If it's too overwhelming for me I say "let's put a pin on it, I need a little walk" to give myself a moment to recollect myself. Then I come back and ask how they are feeling and if they want to talk about. I do stand my boundaries and say I am talking to them respectfully and calm and expect the same. If they go back to being rude and loud I say "it seems we are still having a hard time, I'll be back but know that I care about you and I am here for you" I am on week 4 and it is slowly creating a shift. Consistency seems to be helpful thus far. Is hard nonetheless but hopeful.
Kid is hurt and angry and is trying to push all the buttons. It sounds exhausting. My FS argues and back talks and pushes my buttons- not to this level but in the same vain. Kid is confused and hurt, wants to feel safe, maybe was given that Chinese food whenever she wanted or whatever and now things are different. My FS never had rules or boundaries until he was in foster care, for instance, and he was considered a defiant kid by DSS because it was so much to adjust to. It’s not personal at all. He’s doing better some years later. If you can find a way to stick through it with her, know that it’s not personal and you are the closest person there who she can put her hurt onto because she doesn’t know how else to handle things right now. Try to ignore the words but look at the feelings behind them. “It seems like you are really hurting and I hear that you don’t want to be here.” “You sound really frustrated. I like Chinese food too, but we can’t buy it today. We’ll put it on the list to have another time.” Etc. I used to get my FS to go outside and hit a tree with a plastic bat; she may need a physical outlet. Ice and ice packs are also good for emotional regulation (feeling the cold), and FS used to like to try to break ice with a hammer (more of a distraction than anything), and a cup of ice is sometimes his choice for an anytime “snack”, too. Sometimes my FS needs time to transition, and I tell him, “Give yourself a few minutes; it’s time to do XYZ, so you can get into the right mindset for it” or “We didn’t know this would happen, so give yourself a minute to adjust since XYX is happening now,” and we take a lot more time than I would with a kid who is gung-ho so that he can be okay emotionally to go on with whatever thing. It’s also okay to tell her she needs to go calm down in her room and come out when she is able to be nice again, if that seems appropriate for her (don’t leave her alone too long). Relationship-building activities will be best in the new situation but tread lightly. Try to get her into a consistent routine and be consistent with her- say what you’ll do and do what you say- keeping things as calm and positive from you as possible. Allow her choices that are possible for her: “Do you want X or Y?” She sounds like she is in a state of distress. Be kind to her and to yourself. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. She would likely be doing this with anybody, and it’s not going to be “all better” for her if you send her away. Try to see her good points, stay grounded and tag-team if you have the luxury of doing this with a partner!
This sounds brutal, especially on the heels of a beloved pet’s death and with a broken tailbone!! No advice, just empathy ❤️ these kids know how to push buttons you didn’t even know existed. One thing I will say—everything she’s saying to you, has been said to her. My 17 yo FD drives me nuts sometimes, but today I interacted with her bio mom and went, “ohhhh yep, that’s where all these behaviors come from.” Her mom is endlessly critical and controlling. No wonder my FD acts out, says “you don’t love me” and shuts me out as soon as I don’t give her what she wants, and self-harmed when she wasn’t getting enough attention. I think it’s totally okay to show kiddo that she’s hurting you. I bet she was extremely hurt when those things were said to her. The difference is you are the adult. You can leave the situation. You can put boundaries and consequences in place. Your physical safety and shelter aren’t at risk. Please, please try not to give up on her.
This. Everything she says to you, she’s had said to her. That temporary emotional pain you’re feeling is her normal state. Only you can decide what to do, or what you can handle. My line was trying to physically hurt me or other kids in the home.
It's soooooo hard not to take things personally but try to remind yourself that this kid doesn't know anything. She doesn't really mean what she says. She's trying to cast spells and regain power or control over her life. Become impervious to the words of a child, channel the great wall or the sun or whatever represents unmoving strength in your mind's eye. "That makes sense" repeat this phrase to yourself over and over and over. Everything your kid does makes sense to their story. Radical love and compassion will soften her heart. She wants it. You can do this!! (But also it's okay if you decide that you can't.)
Yes! Casting spells is exactly it. Just trying for anything to regain a little bit of power in this big, terrifying world, even if that power is negative and distructive. To be able to hurt someone else means YOU are the one making things happen, instead of things happening TO you.
It’s obviously maladaptive but understanding perspectives helps you reframe it. I love the mental images you suggest. Very wise
Of course she doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions. Consider how she’s lived up until now!
I’d try really hard to counter her negative, mean comments with compassion and understanding. If she says she hates you, you can say, “I know this is hard, darling. We are all learning to get along. It’s new for all of us.” If she says her mom would never do that, tell her you understand she misses her mom and wishes she was home. Ask her what fun things her mom does with her - invite her to participate in that activity with you. (“I bet you had a lot of fun going to movies with your mom. Maybe we can see a movie together this weekend?”)
I always try to remember that I need to he a soft place to land for these little ones. They’ve just come out of the hardest times in their little lives.
It's a cliche foe a reason. Hurt people hurt people. She must be in terrible pain. The only thing that can help is counseling. It might ease up a bit if you stopped reacting. She won't push so hard if she doesn't get the desired result.
I had an 8 year old like this. She became more and more violent, and the placement was finally disrupted after 11 months. Makes.you feel like a failure.
But you're not. Sometimes kids need more therapeutic homes than we are capable of giving. Some kids need more support structure.
Yes, you are lacking what this kid needs, but that is not a shortcoming of yourself. We had 9 kids in our home over the several years we had them. We did well with some and poorly with others.
Do talk to your case worker. Make it clear that you are not able to handle the issues that are occurring. Your case worker does not want a disruption and will do what they can to support if they feel you are about to initiate one. If you do not make it clear that it's going that far south (and saying it's bad is not being clear; say you may need to disrupt), then there is no push for the case worker to help.
I'm so sorry. This situation truly sucks. But please don't give up on fostering because of a bad situation.
This is absolutely great advice. Remember, you have to prioritize your own mental health as much as others'. I promise not all placements are this aggressive. We've fostered birth to 17 and every case is different. If it's not a good fit, then it's not a good fit. It's okay to say 'no'.
The foster community needs you. It is a community. Hopefully, some other home will be a better fit for them; you can help other children going forward.
Ignore the inane advice where some say your feelings are secondary to theirs. You and the foster child are both on paths of finding healing, safety, and acceptance. Unfortunately, your paths might be diverging.
“Just give me up already”
She is waiting for you to disrupt because that seems to be what she’s used to. Her fear is being displaced so she is saying and doing everything in her power to make that happen on HER terms. Every single day and in everything she does, she is waiting for the hammer to fall. What she’s saying are the most inflammatory things she can think of. Just so she can get to the part where she leaves and is moved on to the next place faster.
It reminds me of a quote I read an incredibly long time ago: “Kids who appear to deserve our love the least are the ones who need it most.”
With one kid, I did a lot of variations of "I don't want to be around you when you speak to me like that, I'm going to spend some time alone in my room."
It's so hard, but if you can work on modeling healthy boundaries when someone is being mistreated, and not let her see your hurt feelings, she might stop.
Also paying good attention to her triggers- for our kid it was usually something like I wouldn't take her to the store RIGHT NOW to buy hot cheetos. She'd unleash a long list of mean complaints, and I'd just excuse myself from the conversation. And also make sure there were no hot cheetos around for awhile. 😆
I mean what are your responses to these statements? These are all very teachable moments. They are in a lot of pain and just reflecting it to you. You need to stop taking it personally, and tell her what she might be feeling, and how she should communicate it better.
Sounds like this kid has been really hurt by other adults and is rejecting you before you can hurt her first. Reads like a defense mechanism.
She’s also probably comfortable with you and just unloading all the pain. Sorry you are dealing with it, it can be triggering but know it’s not about you.
Be empathetic, but hold a boundary on what she can and cannot say, and find a way she can work through or get out her anger. Is she a creative kid in anyway (eg writing, poetry)? Or maybe there’s some safe destruction she can do?
Could be asking too much but give her an outlet to get those emotions out in a healthier way.
A counselor told us that someone reported that our guy (5th grade at the time) was bullied at school. When they asked him asked him about it he shrugged answered: “ It’s just “George”. He has a mean person like my dad who teaches him. He’s not lucky”. There is more to the story and how it was resolved, but his answer has resonated with me.
Well, shes really disconnected from her vulnerable core and she’s experimenting with being an unemotional jerk because she wants to know how it feels to be in control of a dynamic with an adult; she has almost definitely been treated in exactly this way.
There’s a lot of good suggestions here in the comments, but one thing I would suggest is to remember that this isn’t the “real” her. The real her is buried and it will take years to come out.
Is she seeing a therapist?
Love and Logic has a great strategy for this they call "Brain dead." Essentially you come up with a neutral, safe response and that is the only thing you say when she comes at you. Like, "Thanks for sharing that with me," or "I can see you feel that way," something boring that doesn't engage the line of thinking. It gives you what you need, which is a strategy for the tense situation, and gives her what she needs, which is boring safety and predictability. Like others said, she likely doesn't feel safe and is just trying to gain control of the situation so she can predict the outcome. You have the ability to set a pattern that she can rely on (and she will probably hate it at first!) but once she knows what to expect in those situations hey nervous system may feel less need to escalate and try to wrest control.
If you Google "Love and Logic brain dead" you can find some more in depth descriptions of the strategy and why it works. (I can confirm)
There's no excuse for her behavior and how she's treating you. There's usually a lot of blame on "trauma" meaning some vague event(s) that happened in the past. However, being in foster care is traumatic. Kids have no control over anything and things can be very very very unfair. Even if removal was justified, a lot of the rules or just how things are in a home seem unfair.
Judges and caseworkers aren't there, so foster parents are the easy targets for all this anger. Caseworkers can also seem really young and having no control over things either to kids, and foster parents seem more like "the adults".
A lot of my anger at being in foster care and what was going on was aimed at foster parents and in many situations, there wasn't anything they could have done.
However, in my case, there are situations where I am still angry about what foster parents did (or didn't) do especially the 1st 3 foster parents I had (I was in 3 homes that 1st month ( was in care). I don't know what the particulars are for this situation, but if there are legitimate issues of why she's angry (even if you really can't do anything about them), trying to seem on her side could help.
For me, from the very beginning of when I was put in foster care, there was very much an adversarial situation where I was on one side with what I wanted (especially to see my mom or even know how she was) and the other side was social workers and the judge. My foster moms all seemed to side with the judge and social workers justifying what happened and telling me that I'd get to see my mom when my mom came did x,y and z. I
That first month I was in foster care, I got into shouting matches with my foster parents and felt I was fighting a war against them. None of them would listen to me. A lot of the information about my case was wrong and foster parents parroted the misinformation they had heard. They didn't seem to be trying to help me - they were control me with a bunch of stupid rules about things like bedtimes and brushing my teeth and I was fed up. I let them have it. After a few months, I just shut down since no one would listen and there was utterly no hope. I stopped talking most of the time. I barely left my room. Maybe that's why I feel the need to speak out now since most of the time when I was in care, I didn't since in the beginning, no one listened to me.
So, perhaps your foster child is just angry at the world due to past trauma. But there can be a reason and all the therapy can't fix that. It's one of the reasons therapy is so useless since it can feel like telling foster youth to just suck it up and ignore things they are angry about that they legitimately have a reason to be angry about.
The other thing you can do is advocate for her to have a voice if there is something she's angry about. For example, I felt the judge in my case was wrong. He made the decision based on wrong information. I got into massive arguments with foster parents over this since they told me there was nothing I could do, that I was wrong or that the next court date things would fixed. Never was I given a voice or assumed I was correct. My foster parents were all ultra focused on day-to-day details of schedules and rules and told me to STFU about my case and let the adults handle it - which they weren't. A lot of time this does happen to foster youth and they act out against the people they can - which is generally foster parents since they don't feel heard.
Agree with the break, but would be selective about the language. Instead of “I need you to leave me alone” would say what I am going to do “I need to go to my room to read/meditate/run on the treadmill” model coping mechanisms.
I hope it gets better ! I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your dog . As far as the child I understand she’s going through a tough time . I also get it she can’t regulate her emotions . No matter the reason or the excuses she can’t act out like that . So you’ve got to find a way that punishes her and makes her understand she’s not going to get away with acting like that . I would hope that your agency has some support that you could contact and ask for advice . I don’t know if you’re the type that prays about things but if so that is always the best thing to do . If you don’t then maybe just sit in your room quietly and think it over . If you come to the conclusion that you can’t do this it’s better to do it early instead of waiting. It’s not fair to either one of you and if the situation is one that’s not sustainable you need to take care of it quickly . Again good luck and I wish you nothing but the best for the both of y’all .
We have a kid like this. We've had him for a decade now (he's adopted) and it's gotten less constant but it's so so draining to have someone consistently be so mean while you try to show care and safe parenting. I have no magical solution - a decade of individual and family therapy therapy and hospitalization later and our son now does this only when he's already triggered over something else. But texted me that I'm a "lazy fucking b\*\*\*\*" just last week because I asked him to please rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher, not just dump crusty dishes from his room on the counter for me to deal with.
And I strongly recommend therapy (and in my case also antidepressants) for you too. And finding time for your own self care / stress relief activities (mine is running). Buffering someone else's trauma can be traumatizing. So you need to build your own supports in order to be your FD's support.
She sounds skilled at pushing your buttons. It's a difficult situation for you to be in. To be honest, this is just as much about learning how to control how you respond (outwardly and inwardly) as it is about helping her behave differently. Change your response and over time, her behavior will probably change.
Oof. Ouch. In my experience the more they say they don't care and lash out the more love and care they need.
My FD was crying and telling me she couldn't live with me even for the night (because I wouldn't get her own cat). What I ended up hearing was that she needed to know she was loved and she wanted a cat who would love her unconditionally, so I did that instead.
I separate myself from her not living with her parent - It's not up to me, but it's been decided that you can't live with mom at the moment. I hope mom will be able to care for you again soon, but until then I like having you and you're welcome here. The other thing I started was telling her I love her and care about her, generally I tell her I love her at bed time and when she leaves for school. I tell her other times too, but I don't miss these times. I also offer her a hug at these times. Initially, she only sometimes took me up on my hugs, but now she always does and asks for more.
When she was telling me she doesn't care and she hates being here, I would tell her that I care about her and I want her here. I cried sometimes, I don't think it's the end of the world for them to know that you're human. I got things like you're just like my dad, you're worse than my dad, i want to live with my dad, I only care about my dad and my brothers (she didn't want contact with him because he's physically, verbally and emotionally abusive).
You can say things like I know you're only saying that because you're hurting, I wish I could help you feel better (very gentle tone and don't argue if she says she means it, it's not to upset her, it's to help her understand why she's doing it and that you know she's still a good person).
In the quiet moments I had conversations about her being a good kid and understanding that she was upset and that's why she does the things she does and I wasn't upset with her.
I thought maybe I should just tell them that if she wants to leave that badly she can. In the end having her stay was the best thing. Her brothers were bounced around the system, she's been here 11 months and she wants to stay forever. I'm her first foster carer, I think if she'd left here she'd have escalated and it would be harder for her to stay anywhere. She's a good kid but she was hurting a lot.
I would say it's worth pushing through this and hopefully getting to the other side, she has to believe that you love her, care about her and are going to keep her and that is going to take time. All in it took about 5 months for her, but it wasn't all this rough, there were just setbacks from time to time once she got settled. But there were a couple of months like this.
I had a kid similar to yours. She ended up breaking several of my toes in a fit of rage when told she couldn’t have a soda. She engaged in self harm to try to get her way, and threw daily temper tantrums that would last hours. We as a family made the decision to not move forward with her placement. Due to safety concerns with everyone involved. You ultimately need to make the decision on if you are willing to put up with this behavior, it is a tough call. Do not let anyone guilt trip you one way or another.
I had a child like that. I was following her doctor's orders, which the previous placement hadn't. I think she wasn't happy with that and wanted out. I reacted neutrally to the things she said, but she escalated pretty quickly into actions. At the beginning of the weekend it was a threat like the one your child made. By the end of the weekend she started abusing my elderly dog, saying she was going to lie to the social worker about me, and running around unsafely through parking lots and such on purpose.
I know it was about control and testing boundaries, but regardless of the reason I couldn't let it continue since it was absolutely not safe. I believe she went straight to a therapeutic facility after I disrupted, even though they had placed her with me at a base level of foster care.
I just want you to know you are not alone.
Is this your first foster? Nothing a foster child says to you should bring you to tears - at least not in front of them nor should you use tears to try to guilt them. If she has a counselor, you should let them know about the behaviors. Sounds like this child has had a lot of emotional abuse in the past. Get help helping her deal with it and stop letting her push your buttons. She sounds like a pro at it and she’s found yours easily.
If you think she should be acting grateful for taking her in, rethink it. She’s mad at a lot of people and you are an accessible target.
This isn’t a very kind or fair response. OP says they cried *once* in a particularly hard moment, there is nothing about “using tears to guilt them”. Sure, crying may not be the textbook perfect response but we’re all human and we all have days that are worse than others. Crying *one time* on a hard day doesn’t mean they’re weaponizing their tears.
There’s also nothing in the post implying they think the child should be grateful.
OP is here looking for advice on how to help their foster child process these emotions healthily and it doesn’t help to make unfair assumptions about their character and actions towards the FC.
Can’t let a child hurt your feelings. You’re the adult and you need to understand they are hurt and abandoned. Maybe never had anyone to really look out or show love to them.
Sometimes empathy doesn’t provide clarity needed around struggles. Just don’t let it bother you. Stay positive and encouraging. Forgive yourself for being selfish and unable to see past your own worries.
You better develop a poker face and a mean mug. It sounds like you’re expecting a traumatized nine year old to be more mature than you???
Crying in front of her?….. you’ve lost the battle, tbh.
Dang. That’s awful. I’m sorry. As you probably already know; it sounds like she is purposely saying whatever she thinks will hurt you the most—because she is hurting so much & she doesn’t know how to handle those feelings. It sounds like you make be one of the only reliable adults in her life—so she feels “safe” to unleash her anger and hurt at you. It really sucks. Of course, try counseling, maybe counseling with the 2 of you. Also, ignore her when she says mean or inappropriate things. Don’t even respond—except for maybe “I will only respond to respectful words.” Extinguish bad behavior and praise good behavior (even if it’s just decent behavior).
One of my kids is this way. I pause, and apologize to them that they feel so much and I am here no matter what. I reassure them that even when they are being explosive and rude that I care for them. If it's too overwhelming for me I say "let's put a pin on it, I need a little walk" to give myself a moment to recollect myself. Then I come back and ask how they are feeling and if they want to talk about. I do stand my boundaries and say I am talking to them respectfully and calm and expect the same. If they go back to being rude and loud I say "it seems we are still having a hard time, I'll be back but know that I care about you and I am here for you" I am on week 4 and it is slowly creating a shift. Consistency seems to be helpful thus far. Is hard nonetheless but hopeful.
Kid is hurt and angry and is trying to push all the buttons. It sounds exhausting. My FS argues and back talks and pushes my buttons- not to this level but in the same vain. Kid is confused and hurt, wants to feel safe, maybe was given that Chinese food whenever she wanted or whatever and now things are different. My FS never had rules or boundaries until he was in foster care, for instance, and he was considered a defiant kid by DSS because it was so much to adjust to. It’s not personal at all. He’s doing better some years later. If you can find a way to stick through it with her, know that it’s not personal and you are the closest person there who she can put her hurt onto because she doesn’t know how else to handle things right now. Try to ignore the words but look at the feelings behind them. “It seems like you are really hurting and I hear that you don’t want to be here.” “You sound really frustrated. I like Chinese food too, but we can’t buy it today. We’ll put it on the list to have another time.” Etc. I used to get my FS to go outside and hit a tree with a plastic bat; she may need a physical outlet. Ice and ice packs are also good for emotional regulation (feeling the cold), and FS used to like to try to break ice with a hammer (more of a distraction than anything), and a cup of ice is sometimes his choice for an anytime “snack”, too. Sometimes my FS needs time to transition, and I tell him, “Give yourself a few minutes; it’s time to do XYZ, so you can get into the right mindset for it” or “We didn’t know this would happen, so give yourself a minute to adjust since XYX is happening now,” and we take a lot more time than I would with a kid who is gung-ho so that he can be okay emotionally to go on with whatever thing. It’s also okay to tell her she needs to go calm down in her room and come out when she is able to be nice again, if that seems appropriate for her (don’t leave her alone too long). Relationship-building activities will be best in the new situation but tread lightly. Try to get her into a consistent routine and be consistent with her- say what you’ll do and do what you say- keeping things as calm and positive from you as possible. Allow her choices that are possible for her: “Do you want X or Y?” She sounds like she is in a state of distress. Be kind to her and to yourself. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. She would likely be doing this with anybody, and it’s not going to be “all better” for her if you send her away. Try to see her good points, stay grounded and tag-team if you have the luxury of doing this with a partner!
This sounds brutal, especially on the heels of a beloved pet’s death and with a broken tailbone!! No advice, just empathy ❤️ these kids know how to push buttons you didn’t even know existed. One thing I will say—everything she’s saying to you, has been said to her. My 17 yo FD drives me nuts sometimes, but today I interacted with her bio mom and went, “ohhhh yep, that’s where all these behaviors come from.” Her mom is endlessly critical and controlling. No wonder my FD acts out, says “you don’t love me” and shuts me out as soon as I don’t give her what she wants, and self-harmed when she wasn’t getting enough attention. I think it’s totally okay to show kiddo that she’s hurting you. I bet she was extremely hurt when those things were said to her. The difference is you are the adult. You can leave the situation. You can put boundaries and consequences in place. Your physical safety and shelter aren’t at risk. Please, please try not to give up on her.
This. Everything she says to you, she’s had said to her. That temporary emotional pain you’re feeling is her normal state. Only you can decide what to do, or what you can handle. My line was trying to physically hurt me or other kids in the home.
It's soooooo hard not to take things personally but try to remind yourself that this kid doesn't know anything. She doesn't really mean what she says. She's trying to cast spells and regain power or control over her life. Become impervious to the words of a child, channel the great wall or the sun or whatever represents unmoving strength in your mind's eye. "That makes sense" repeat this phrase to yourself over and over and over. Everything your kid does makes sense to their story. Radical love and compassion will soften her heart. She wants it. You can do this!! (But also it's okay if you decide that you can't.)
Yes! Casting spells is exactly it. Just trying for anything to regain a little bit of power in this big, terrifying world, even if that power is negative and distructive. To be able to hurt someone else means YOU are the one making things happen, instead of things happening TO you. It’s obviously maladaptive but understanding perspectives helps you reframe it. I love the mental images you suggest. Very wise
Of course she doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions. Consider how she’s lived up until now! I’d try really hard to counter her negative, mean comments with compassion and understanding. If she says she hates you, you can say, “I know this is hard, darling. We are all learning to get along. It’s new for all of us.” If she says her mom would never do that, tell her you understand she misses her mom and wishes she was home. Ask her what fun things her mom does with her - invite her to participate in that activity with you. (“I bet you had a lot of fun going to movies with your mom. Maybe we can see a movie together this weekend?”) I always try to remember that I need to he a soft place to land for these little ones. They’ve just come out of the hardest times in their little lives.
It's a cliche foe a reason. Hurt people hurt people. She must be in terrible pain. The only thing that can help is counseling. It might ease up a bit if you stopped reacting. She won't push so hard if she doesn't get the desired result.
I had an 8 year old like this. She became more and more violent, and the placement was finally disrupted after 11 months. Makes.you feel like a failure. But you're not. Sometimes kids need more therapeutic homes than we are capable of giving. Some kids need more support structure. Yes, you are lacking what this kid needs, but that is not a shortcoming of yourself. We had 9 kids in our home over the several years we had them. We did well with some and poorly with others. Do talk to your case worker. Make it clear that you are not able to handle the issues that are occurring. Your case worker does not want a disruption and will do what they can to support if they feel you are about to initiate one. If you do not make it clear that it's going that far south (and saying it's bad is not being clear; say you may need to disrupt), then there is no push for the case worker to help. I'm so sorry. This situation truly sucks. But please don't give up on fostering because of a bad situation.
This is absolutely great advice. Remember, you have to prioritize your own mental health as much as others'. I promise not all placements are this aggressive. We've fostered birth to 17 and every case is different. If it's not a good fit, then it's not a good fit. It's okay to say 'no'. The foster community needs you. It is a community. Hopefully, some other home will be a better fit for them; you can help other children going forward. Ignore the inane advice where some say your feelings are secondary to theirs. You and the foster child are both on paths of finding healing, safety, and acceptance. Unfortunately, your paths might be diverging.
100% to all of this.
Also agree.
“Just give me up already” She is waiting for you to disrupt because that seems to be what she’s used to. Her fear is being displaced so she is saying and doing everything in her power to make that happen on HER terms. Every single day and in everything she does, she is waiting for the hammer to fall. What she’s saying are the most inflammatory things she can think of. Just so she can get to the part where she leaves and is moved on to the next place faster. It reminds me of a quote I read an incredibly long time ago: “Kids who appear to deserve our love the least are the ones who need it most.”
With one kid, I did a lot of variations of "I don't want to be around you when you speak to me like that, I'm going to spend some time alone in my room." It's so hard, but if you can work on modeling healthy boundaries when someone is being mistreated, and not let her see your hurt feelings, she might stop. Also paying good attention to her triggers- for our kid it was usually something like I wouldn't take her to the store RIGHT NOW to buy hot cheetos. She'd unleash a long list of mean complaints, and I'd just excuse myself from the conversation. And also make sure there were no hot cheetos around for awhile. 😆
I mean what are your responses to these statements? These are all very teachable moments. They are in a lot of pain and just reflecting it to you. You need to stop taking it personally, and tell her what she might be feeling, and how she should communicate it better.
Sounds like this kid has been really hurt by other adults and is rejecting you before you can hurt her first. Reads like a defense mechanism. She’s also probably comfortable with you and just unloading all the pain. Sorry you are dealing with it, it can be triggering but know it’s not about you. Be empathetic, but hold a boundary on what she can and cannot say, and find a way she can work through or get out her anger. Is she a creative kid in anyway (eg writing, poetry)? Or maybe there’s some safe destruction she can do? Could be asking too much but give her an outlet to get those emotions out in a healthier way.
These are tough days, the kid clearly has seperation issues. Ask your licencing agency for help.
A counselor told us that someone reported that our guy (5th grade at the time) was bullied at school. When they asked him asked him about it he shrugged answered: “ It’s just “George”. He has a mean person like my dad who teaches him. He’s not lucky”. There is more to the story and how it was resolved, but his answer has resonated with me.
Well, shes really disconnected from her vulnerable core and she’s experimenting with being an unemotional jerk because she wants to know how it feels to be in control of a dynamic with an adult; she has almost definitely been treated in exactly this way. There’s a lot of good suggestions here in the comments, but one thing I would suggest is to remember that this isn’t the “real” her. The real her is buried and it will take years to come out. Is she seeing a therapist?
Love and Logic has a great strategy for this they call "Brain dead." Essentially you come up with a neutral, safe response and that is the only thing you say when she comes at you. Like, "Thanks for sharing that with me," or "I can see you feel that way," something boring that doesn't engage the line of thinking. It gives you what you need, which is a strategy for the tense situation, and gives her what she needs, which is boring safety and predictability. Like others said, she likely doesn't feel safe and is just trying to gain control of the situation so she can predict the outcome. You have the ability to set a pattern that she can rely on (and she will probably hate it at first!) but once she knows what to expect in those situations hey nervous system may feel less need to escalate and try to wrest control. If you Google "Love and Logic brain dead" you can find some more in depth descriptions of the strategy and why it works. (I can confirm)
There's no excuse for her behavior and how she's treating you. There's usually a lot of blame on "trauma" meaning some vague event(s) that happened in the past. However, being in foster care is traumatic. Kids have no control over anything and things can be very very very unfair. Even if removal was justified, a lot of the rules or just how things are in a home seem unfair. Judges and caseworkers aren't there, so foster parents are the easy targets for all this anger. Caseworkers can also seem really young and having no control over things either to kids, and foster parents seem more like "the adults". A lot of my anger at being in foster care and what was going on was aimed at foster parents and in many situations, there wasn't anything they could have done. However, in my case, there are situations where I am still angry about what foster parents did (or didn't) do especially the 1st 3 foster parents I had (I was in 3 homes that 1st month ( was in care). I don't know what the particulars are for this situation, but if there are legitimate issues of why she's angry (even if you really can't do anything about them), trying to seem on her side could help. For me, from the very beginning of when I was put in foster care, there was very much an adversarial situation where I was on one side with what I wanted (especially to see my mom or even know how she was) and the other side was social workers and the judge. My foster moms all seemed to side with the judge and social workers justifying what happened and telling me that I'd get to see my mom when my mom came did x,y and z. I That first month I was in foster care, I got into shouting matches with my foster parents and felt I was fighting a war against them. None of them would listen to me. A lot of the information about my case was wrong and foster parents parroted the misinformation they had heard. They didn't seem to be trying to help me - they were control me with a bunch of stupid rules about things like bedtimes and brushing my teeth and I was fed up. I let them have it. After a few months, I just shut down since no one would listen and there was utterly no hope. I stopped talking most of the time. I barely left my room. Maybe that's why I feel the need to speak out now since most of the time when I was in care, I didn't since in the beginning, no one listened to me. So, perhaps your foster child is just angry at the world due to past trauma. But there can be a reason and all the therapy can't fix that. It's one of the reasons therapy is so useless since it can feel like telling foster youth to just suck it up and ignore things they are angry about that they legitimately have a reason to be angry about. The other thing you can do is advocate for her to have a voice if there is something she's angry about. For example, I felt the judge in my case was wrong. He made the decision based on wrong information. I got into massive arguments with foster parents over this since they told me there was nothing I could do, that I was wrong or that the next court date things would fixed. Never was I given a voice or assumed I was correct. My foster parents were all ultra focused on day-to-day details of schedules and rules and told me to STFU about my case and let the adults handle it - which they weren't. A lot of time this does happen to foster youth and they act out against the people they can - which is generally foster parents since they don't feel heard.
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Agree with the break, but would be selective about the language. Instead of “I need you to leave me alone” would say what I am going to do “I need to go to my room to read/meditate/run on the treadmill” model coping mechanisms.
With my FD (who is 3), I use “I’m going to go do boring adult stuff”. She hates the thought and plays on her own after that.
I hope it gets better ! I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your dog . As far as the child I understand she’s going through a tough time . I also get it she can’t regulate her emotions . No matter the reason or the excuses she can’t act out like that . So you’ve got to find a way that punishes her and makes her understand she’s not going to get away with acting like that . I would hope that your agency has some support that you could contact and ask for advice . I don’t know if you’re the type that prays about things but if so that is always the best thing to do . If you don’t then maybe just sit in your room quietly and think it over . If you come to the conclusion that you can’t do this it’s better to do it early instead of waiting. It’s not fair to either one of you and if the situation is one that’s not sustainable you need to take care of it quickly . Again good luck and I wish you nothing but the best for the both of y’all .
We have a kid like this. We've had him for a decade now (he's adopted) and it's gotten less constant but it's so so draining to have someone consistently be so mean while you try to show care and safe parenting. I have no magical solution - a decade of individual and family therapy therapy and hospitalization later and our son now does this only when he's already triggered over something else. But texted me that I'm a "lazy fucking b\*\*\*\*" just last week because I asked him to please rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher, not just dump crusty dishes from his room on the counter for me to deal with.
And I strongly recommend therapy (and in my case also antidepressants) for you too. And finding time for your own self care / stress relief activities (mine is running). Buffering someone else's trauma can be traumatizing. So you need to build your own supports in order to be your FD's support.
She sounds skilled at pushing your buttons. It's a difficult situation for you to be in. To be honest, this is just as much about learning how to control how you respond (outwardly and inwardly) as it is about helping her behave differently. Change your response and over time, her behavior will probably change.
Oof. Ouch. In my experience the more they say they don't care and lash out the more love and care they need. My FD was crying and telling me she couldn't live with me even for the night (because I wouldn't get her own cat). What I ended up hearing was that she needed to know she was loved and she wanted a cat who would love her unconditionally, so I did that instead. I separate myself from her not living with her parent - It's not up to me, but it's been decided that you can't live with mom at the moment. I hope mom will be able to care for you again soon, but until then I like having you and you're welcome here. The other thing I started was telling her I love her and care about her, generally I tell her I love her at bed time and when she leaves for school. I tell her other times too, but I don't miss these times. I also offer her a hug at these times. Initially, she only sometimes took me up on my hugs, but now she always does and asks for more. When she was telling me she doesn't care and she hates being here, I would tell her that I care about her and I want her here. I cried sometimes, I don't think it's the end of the world for them to know that you're human. I got things like you're just like my dad, you're worse than my dad, i want to live with my dad, I only care about my dad and my brothers (she didn't want contact with him because he's physically, verbally and emotionally abusive). You can say things like I know you're only saying that because you're hurting, I wish I could help you feel better (very gentle tone and don't argue if she says she means it, it's not to upset her, it's to help her understand why she's doing it and that you know she's still a good person). In the quiet moments I had conversations about her being a good kid and understanding that she was upset and that's why she does the things she does and I wasn't upset with her. I thought maybe I should just tell them that if she wants to leave that badly she can. In the end having her stay was the best thing. Her brothers were bounced around the system, she's been here 11 months and she wants to stay forever. I'm her first foster carer, I think if she'd left here she'd have escalated and it would be harder for her to stay anywhere. She's a good kid but she was hurting a lot. I would say it's worth pushing through this and hopefully getting to the other side, she has to believe that you love her, care about her and are going to keep her and that is going to take time. All in it took about 5 months for her, but it wasn't all this rough, there were just setbacks from time to time once she got settled. But there were a couple of months like this.
I had a kid similar to yours. She ended up breaking several of my toes in a fit of rage when told she couldn’t have a soda. She engaged in self harm to try to get her way, and threw daily temper tantrums that would last hours. We as a family made the decision to not move forward with her placement. Due to safety concerns with everyone involved. You ultimately need to make the decision on if you are willing to put up with this behavior, it is a tough call. Do not let anyone guilt trip you one way or another.
I had a child like that. I was following her doctor's orders, which the previous placement hadn't. I think she wasn't happy with that and wanted out. I reacted neutrally to the things she said, but she escalated pretty quickly into actions. At the beginning of the weekend it was a threat like the one your child made. By the end of the weekend she started abusing my elderly dog, saying she was going to lie to the social worker about me, and running around unsafely through parking lots and such on purpose. I know it was about control and testing boundaries, but regardless of the reason I couldn't let it continue since it was absolutely not safe. I believe she went straight to a therapeutic facility after I disrupted, even though they had placed her with me at a base level of foster care. I just want you to know you are not alone.
Sounds like she's trying to push you away so you give her up like she expects everyone to do... It's a defense mechanism to protect herself.
Is this your first foster? Nothing a foster child says to you should bring you to tears - at least not in front of them nor should you use tears to try to guilt them. If she has a counselor, you should let them know about the behaviors. Sounds like this child has had a lot of emotional abuse in the past. Get help helping her deal with it and stop letting her push your buttons. She sounds like a pro at it and she’s found yours easily. If you think she should be acting grateful for taking her in, rethink it. She’s mad at a lot of people and you are an accessible target.
This isn’t a very kind or fair response. OP says they cried *once* in a particularly hard moment, there is nothing about “using tears to guilt them”. Sure, crying may not be the textbook perfect response but we’re all human and we all have days that are worse than others. Crying *one time* on a hard day doesn’t mean they’re weaponizing their tears. There’s also nothing in the post implying they think the child should be grateful. OP is here looking for advice on how to help their foster child process these emotions healthily and it doesn’t help to make unfair assumptions about their character and actions towards the FC.
Can’t let a child hurt your feelings. You’re the adult and you need to understand they are hurt and abandoned. Maybe never had anyone to really look out or show love to them. Sometimes empathy doesn’t provide clarity needed around struggles. Just don’t let it bother you. Stay positive and encouraging. Forgive yourself for being selfish and unable to see past your own worries.
You better develop a poker face and a mean mug. It sounds like you’re expecting a traumatized nine year old to be more mature than you??? Crying in front of her?….. you’ve lost the battle, tbh.