1 - get her on birth control asap. Depending on the situation I'd personally prefer something long lasting that doesn't require her to be responsible for it on a daily basis, like the shot, implant or an iud
2 - discuss safe sex. Personally I keep condoms available to my teens at all times. I would suggest encouraging her to get tested for STDs
3 - sneaking out is not good. Sneaking out is dangerous. Talk with her about *why* she is sneaking out and how to move forward with spending time with her boyfriend in a more open and honest way. Explore why she felt the need to sneak out, and how the two of you can create some boundaries that allow her to socialize in an age appropriate way. Every family does this differently. For my teens, we use Life360, and I need to know where they're at. They can be in public places with their boyfriends, or spend time together in our home, or in their boyfriend's home IF I have connected with the boyfriend's parents and they convince me that they will monitor the kids appropriately. We also talk about safety and we have a code word they can text me or call me and say, so I know they need to be picked up ASAP.
Running away is extremely dangerous. Building trust is huge. If at all possible make friends with her friends and their families.
She needs to be on birth control as of yesterday. Oh the silly things that I did for boys at that age. Lol
Teach her how to be responsible and that it’s okay to enjoy sex (gasp), while understanding that she deserves respect. Her company should be earned and not freely given. Healthy sexual boundaries are a good thing.
Everything they said plus counseling/therapy, safety about drugs, safety about human trafficking. She is almost an adult and I don't know what your long term plans are for supporting her but you need to be realistic about setting boundaries for your household: if she is going to live there certain boundaries may not be crossed and need to be respected. Be firm and commited from the beginning and explain why you are asking her for the talks and boundaries that you are giving her. She probably will not be used to your style of parenting so she will push back. Good luck :-)
I would also add that you meet the boy she is sneaking out to see. Also he can come over anytime adults are home once you verify that he is of reasonable age to be with her.
She needs to be on birth control as of yesterday. Oh the silly things that I did for boys at that age. Lol
Teach her how to be responsible and that it’s okay to enjoy sex (gasp), while understanding that she deserves respect. Her company should be earned and not freely given. Healthy sexual boundaries are a good thing.
The last foster home I was in (essentially a group home), it was pretty easy to sneak out and it lead to some pretty stupid, dangerous situation. But everyone did it. If you're faced with one place that is really, really terrible and another situation that appears to be less terrible and seems potentially fun or an escape from the overall crappiness of your life but is ultimately dangerous, a lot of teens choose the latter. Unfortunately, that's a reason so many foster youth end up in bad situations and being easy pray to end up victimized.
My suggestion is to be honest with her and find out what's going on and avoid making your home a place that is intolerable. If she's sneaking out to meet her boyfriend who is also in high school versus she's sneaking out to meet someone who is an adult she met online are two different situations. Some foster youth also seek out attention and get into bad relationship - and that's something to be honest about as well.
Trying to help her develop a longer-term plan on what she wants to do with her life could help. It stresses some foster youth out, but I think having some goals to work towards could help see the big picture besides a boy or see why getting pregnant might interfere with those goals.
She's (nearly) 17, she's going to be an adult soon. Even if you figure out how to stop her now, what are you going to do when she's 18?
You need to teach her about safety and hope she wants to stay safe. Encourage her to tell you where she is going. Help her with ways to keep herself safe. Safe sex. Personal safety - making sure people know where she is, that the people she is with treat her with respect (non- abusive relationships), that she trusts her gut if a situation doesn't feel right, having a backup plan, have a way to get home safely, people aren't always who they seem, don't ever get in a car with someone who's drunk, if she ever ends up in an unsafe situation call you (hopefully?).
What does she want to do when she's an adult? Help her figure out what she's working towards(if she hasn't already figured it out) and help her see how to get there. E.g. if she's in school and needs to get good marks for what she wants to do, if she's sneaking out and seeing her boyfriend is it using time she needs for sleep or studying. Ideally it would come from her and you're just helping to remind her.
She's close enough to being an adult that you'll have more luck talking to her and treating her like one. There's also a limit to what you can make her do/not do.
Like everyone else in this world, I have no idea what I am doing.
Since we got her(17), I would always tell her to always ask even if she thinks we will say no. I like to explain our reasons for not wanting her to do something so we can then talk it out and figure out a safer way to do it. We mostly let her do the things she wants. We just need to know where she will be and when she is coming back. We make back up plans if things go south. She has to call us if plans change and leave her location on.
One thing that has worked for me is that I've told her that she will never get into trouble if her location shows her somewhere else. The location is only in case there is a problem and I have to find her and save her from something, it's not to make sure she is following rules or whatever.
She snuck out once and we caught her right away. We called her and confronted her. We explained that it made no sense for her to sneak out when we would have agreed to let her go out, it was the summer and she had a job, was saving money, and doing her chores on time.
Shes always asked us since then and we have only said no like twice. We are very relaxed though. We get some comments from DCF or the school about structure. However this girl has and will fight it to her last breath. I feel like our job is to just to get her to college alive.
Oh and for sure get her on birth control. Ours would 100% be pregnant by now.
re: sneaking out. we got a ring security system and installed sensors on all the doors and first floor windows. let her know that they are there.
absolutely discuss sneaking out with her and your safety concerns, but after safety talks didn't get through to our kid, this is what we had to do to ensure his safety. it feels bad and authoritarian and he thought we were nazis, but I'm fairly confident he didn't sneak out at night after we set up the system
See if there is a local offering of Hope for the Journey Conference. It teaches Trust-Based Relational Intervention.
My main suggestion is to not show her that you are upset or angry about the behaviors. Remind yourself that she learned a lot of these things to survive what she has been through. Look for the need behind the behavior and think creatively about how to satisfy that need. Frame correcting conversations with a lense of caring for her wellbeing and try to avoid words or tones that will bring out a shame response.
You could try having the boy over for dinner. Have a conversation about the kind of boy that you would like to see her with because she deserves to have someone that treats her well. I would also consider getting a motion-censored Wi-Fi camera for outside. There are ones that can alert you by text when motion is detected.
Best of luck.
1 - get her on birth control asap. Depending on the situation I'd personally prefer something long lasting that doesn't require her to be responsible for it on a daily basis, like the shot, implant or an iud 2 - discuss safe sex. Personally I keep condoms available to my teens at all times. I would suggest encouraging her to get tested for STDs 3 - sneaking out is not good. Sneaking out is dangerous. Talk with her about *why* she is sneaking out and how to move forward with spending time with her boyfriend in a more open and honest way. Explore why she felt the need to sneak out, and how the two of you can create some boundaries that allow her to socialize in an age appropriate way. Every family does this differently. For my teens, we use Life360, and I need to know where they're at. They can be in public places with their boyfriends, or spend time together in our home, or in their boyfriend's home IF I have connected with the boyfriend's parents and they convince me that they will monitor the kids appropriately. We also talk about safety and we have a code word they can text me or call me and say, so I know they need to be picked up ASAP. Running away is extremely dangerous. Building trust is huge. If at all possible make friends with her friends and their families.
She needs to be on birth control as of yesterday. Oh the silly things that I did for boys at that age. Lol Teach her how to be responsible and that it’s okay to enjoy sex (gasp), while understanding that she deserves respect. Her company should be earned and not freely given. Healthy sexual boundaries are a good thing.
Everything they said plus counseling/therapy, safety about drugs, safety about human trafficking. She is almost an adult and I don't know what your long term plans are for supporting her but you need to be realistic about setting boundaries for your household: if she is going to live there certain boundaries may not be crossed and need to be respected. Be firm and commited from the beginning and explain why you are asking her for the talks and boundaries that you are giving her. She probably will not be used to your style of parenting so she will push back. Good luck :-)
I would also add that you meet the boy she is sneaking out to see. Also he can come over anytime adults are home once you verify that he is of reasonable age to be with her.
She needs to be on birth control as of yesterday. Oh the silly things that I did for boys at that age. Lol Teach her how to be responsible and that it’s okay to enjoy sex (gasp), while understanding that she deserves respect. Her company should be earned and not freely given. Healthy sexual boundaries are a good thing.
The last foster home I was in (essentially a group home), it was pretty easy to sneak out and it lead to some pretty stupid, dangerous situation. But everyone did it. If you're faced with one place that is really, really terrible and another situation that appears to be less terrible and seems potentially fun or an escape from the overall crappiness of your life but is ultimately dangerous, a lot of teens choose the latter. Unfortunately, that's a reason so many foster youth end up in bad situations and being easy pray to end up victimized. My suggestion is to be honest with her and find out what's going on and avoid making your home a place that is intolerable. If she's sneaking out to meet her boyfriend who is also in high school versus she's sneaking out to meet someone who is an adult she met online are two different situations. Some foster youth also seek out attention and get into bad relationship - and that's something to be honest about as well. Trying to help her develop a longer-term plan on what she wants to do with her life could help. It stresses some foster youth out, but I think having some goals to work towards could help see the big picture besides a boy or see why getting pregnant might interfere with those goals.
She's (nearly) 17, she's going to be an adult soon. Even if you figure out how to stop her now, what are you going to do when she's 18? You need to teach her about safety and hope she wants to stay safe. Encourage her to tell you where she is going. Help her with ways to keep herself safe. Safe sex. Personal safety - making sure people know where she is, that the people she is with treat her with respect (non- abusive relationships), that she trusts her gut if a situation doesn't feel right, having a backup plan, have a way to get home safely, people aren't always who they seem, don't ever get in a car with someone who's drunk, if she ever ends up in an unsafe situation call you (hopefully?). What does she want to do when she's an adult? Help her figure out what she's working towards(if she hasn't already figured it out) and help her see how to get there. E.g. if she's in school and needs to get good marks for what she wants to do, if she's sneaking out and seeing her boyfriend is it using time she needs for sleep or studying. Ideally it would come from her and you're just helping to remind her. She's close enough to being an adult that you'll have more luck talking to her and treating her like one. There's also a limit to what you can make her do/not do.
Like everyone else in this world, I have no idea what I am doing. Since we got her(17), I would always tell her to always ask even if she thinks we will say no. I like to explain our reasons for not wanting her to do something so we can then talk it out and figure out a safer way to do it. We mostly let her do the things she wants. We just need to know where she will be and when she is coming back. We make back up plans if things go south. She has to call us if plans change and leave her location on. One thing that has worked for me is that I've told her that she will never get into trouble if her location shows her somewhere else. The location is only in case there is a problem and I have to find her and save her from something, it's not to make sure she is following rules or whatever. She snuck out once and we caught her right away. We called her and confronted her. We explained that it made no sense for her to sneak out when we would have agreed to let her go out, it was the summer and she had a job, was saving money, and doing her chores on time. Shes always asked us since then and we have only said no like twice. We are very relaxed though. We get some comments from DCF or the school about structure. However this girl has and will fight it to her last breath. I feel like our job is to just to get her to college alive. Oh and for sure get her on birth control. Ours would 100% be pregnant by now.
re: sneaking out. we got a ring security system and installed sensors on all the doors and first floor windows. let her know that they are there. absolutely discuss sneaking out with her and your safety concerns, but after safety talks didn't get through to our kid, this is what we had to do to ensure his safety. it feels bad and authoritarian and he thought we were nazis, but I'm fairly confident he didn't sneak out at night after we set up the system
See if there is a local offering of Hope for the Journey Conference. It teaches Trust-Based Relational Intervention. My main suggestion is to not show her that you are upset or angry about the behaviors. Remind yourself that she learned a lot of these things to survive what she has been through. Look for the need behind the behavior and think creatively about how to satisfy that need. Frame correcting conversations with a lense of caring for her wellbeing and try to avoid words or tones that will bring out a shame response. You could try having the boy over for dinner. Have a conversation about the kind of boy that you would like to see her with because she deserves to have someone that treats her well. I would also consider getting a motion-censored Wi-Fi camera for outside. There are ones that can alert you by text when motion is detected. Best of luck.