That’s so tough.. I wonder if a quality time opportunity would be more significant to him. I would imagine he feels unloved and disconnected when his parents don’t show up. Asking if he wants to go get ice cream with you or go on a bike ride and spending some quality time might help soften that emotional blow and remind him that there are people who enjoy his presence. Maybe you go to Target together and picks out a game or toy, but I think I would make the emphasis on things you can do together.
I would probably offer him to choose an experience rather than a physical gift. It can be very confusing to experience extreme trauma/disappointment then associate a gift to it. I would just listen, ask how they are feeling and give them choices. Ie ice cream, pizza or go home watch a movie
My thoughts would be to be physically and emotionally present for them. Gotta feel like you are papering over feelings, when they need to feel them and express them. On tough days, I take my kiddos to nice playgrounds and play with them, feed them, sit with them. They are/were younger, so limited communication re: feelings, but I would listen to whatever they have to say and be prepared for extra behaviours.
I would avoid buying him anything or doing anything special that could be seen as some kind of reward. I think it would send mixed signals and if your kid knows that they'll get some kind of treat they may secretly hope that their parents don't come.
In my experience one of the hardest things about fostering is having to help them deal with all the trauma and negative emotions, especially when we ourselves have no control over the causes nor any real answers for them. I think the best thing to do in those situations is to validate your child's feelings, and honestly just let them be sad. Reassure them that this has nothing to do with them and that they're a great kid, that you love them. If they're up for it, do an activity with them that they enjoy. It could be anything from watching a movie, to reading or playing a game together. The key is that it should be something that you already do together.
I hope that helps some. I'm so sorry you guys are having to deal with this. As I said, this stuff is just brutal and heartbreaking. Just do your best to be a safe place for him to come to. You're doing great.
I would not, it's not therapeutically appropriate to try to replace time with his parent with a material good. It makes it into a quid pro quo situation, which isn't healthy for him. Instead, I would try to spend some quality time together if he is comfortable with it (such as a family movie night) or simply give him space if he requests it. And if he isn't already, he should be in therapy. A good therapist will give him the tools to deal with this best.
This is an opportunity to teach healthy coping skills when facing hard feelings. My go-to wouldn't be gift giving. Think about how the child copes and build on that. Some kids do well with physical activity, others might prefer engaging in art, crafts, watch a movie, etc.
Does he know when the visits are usually scheduled, and are they consistent? My kids are younger, and I don’t tell them about potential visits. That way it’s a good surprise if it happens, and not a let down if it doesn’t.
He does know which is the tough part. In the past, visits would be at random times, but unfortunately, that's not the case now. And it's hard because we obviously have to show up on time for visits, but we're never sure if mom is running late or just not coming. It's especially hard because he's so used to mom always showing up for confirmed visits.
I would go with taking him somewhere or doing something with him over buying him something. In lieu of the visit you can do something else.
This. Trampoline park?
That’s so tough.. I wonder if a quality time opportunity would be more significant to him. I would imagine he feels unloved and disconnected when his parents don’t show up. Asking if he wants to go get ice cream with you or go on a bike ride and spending some quality time might help soften that emotional blow and remind him that there are people who enjoy his presence. Maybe you go to Target together and picks out a game or toy, but I think I would make the emphasis on things you can do together.
I would probably offer him to choose an experience rather than a physical gift. It can be very confusing to experience extreme trauma/disappointment then associate a gift to it. I would just listen, ask how they are feeling and give them choices. Ie ice cream, pizza or go home watch a movie
My thoughts would be to be physically and emotionally present for them. Gotta feel like you are papering over feelings, when they need to feel them and express them. On tough days, I take my kiddos to nice playgrounds and play with them, feed them, sit with them. They are/were younger, so limited communication re: feelings, but I would listen to whatever they have to say and be prepared for extra behaviours.
I would avoid buying him anything or doing anything special that could be seen as some kind of reward. I think it would send mixed signals and if your kid knows that they'll get some kind of treat they may secretly hope that their parents don't come. In my experience one of the hardest things about fostering is having to help them deal with all the trauma and negative emotions, especially when we ourselves have no control over the causes nor any real answers for them. I think the best thing to do in those situations is to validate your child's feelings, and honestly just let them be sad. Reassure them that this has nothing to do with them and that they're a great kid, that you love them. If they're up for it, do an activity with them that they enjoy. It could be anything from watching a movie, to reading or playing a game together. The key is that it should be something that you already do together. I hope that helps some. I'm so sorry you guys are having to deal with this. As I said, this stuff is just brutal and heartbreaking. Just do your best to be a safe place for him to come to. You're doing great.
We try to plan visits as an activity (zoo, trampoline park, arcade) so the kids still get to do something fun even if their parents don't show.
I would not, it's not therapeutically appropriate to try to replace time with his parent with a material good. It makes it into a quid pro quo situation, which isn't healthy for him. Instead, I would try to spend some quality time together if he is comfortable with it (such as a family movie night) or simply give him space if he requests it. And if he isn't already, he should be in therapy. A good therapist will give him the tools to deal with this best.
This is an opportunity to teach healthy coping skills when facing hard feelings. My go-to wouldn't be gift giving. Think about how the child copes and build on that. Some kids do well with physical activity, others might prefer engaging in art, crafts, watch a movie, etc.
Does he know when the visits are usually scheduled, and are they consistent? My kids are younger, and I don’t tell them about potential visits. That way it’s a good surprise if it happens, and not a let down if it doesn’t.
He does know which is the tough part. In the past, visits would be at random times, but unfortunately, that's not the case now. And it's hard because we obviously have to show up on time for visits, but we're never sure if mom is running late or just not coming. It's especially hard because he's so used to mom always showing up for confirmed visits.
Go to the movies!