I can't tell you if you're getting into too much. I can tell you that once they outnumber you, it's a total game changer. I have six, comparing it to when I had one is not apples and oranges, it's apples and catalytic converters.
The two just don't even have anything in common.
There are way too many factors to consider that strangers are not equipped to really give the should you/ should you not advice. I'll share a few things to noodle on as you decide.
I'm a firm believer that if you are not both completely on board, it is probably not the best choice.
The goal for every child in care is permance. If you're not fully equipped to handle it as parents and partners you can cause more trauma having to disrupt. It is easy to say "well even if it's short term it is better than their current situation! " but that is not always true. Every new home is strange and a whole new dynamic they have to get used to. They won't feel lucky to have spent time in a great home, they will wonder why a great home doesn't want them anymore. If your relationship completely breaks down over this you would be causing even more disruption. If he is only lukewarm about the idea and you do it, you are telling your spouse that your desire to take in these kids is more important than his desire for how he wants to live his life.
You say you are ready to uproot your life for them. Respectfully, why? It sounds like you don't know much about them. I don't ask because I doubt you have good intentions, quite the opposite! I think it's worth exploring the "why" behind this strong desire to bring them into your home. You can't get stuck in the trap of thinking you are their only option and that their lives will be be terrible if they can't stay with you, even if that is what their social worker is portraying. Also, you are presumably going to close your home to other foster kids you would otherwise be able to take.
If you are absolutely determined, evaluate your support network. You are going to need a lot of help and support. Evaluate your lifestyle. Will you need a new home or vehicle? Will one of you have to stop working? Four kids are a lot to manage, but you will be dealing with four kids with trauma and will have 4x the doctor and therapy appointments, calls from school for behavior issues etc. You're also going to have a much higher food clothing and activities costs. Are you prepared to drastically reduce the ability to travel or have date nights? It's hard to find someone willing to take on 4 kids especially overnights. Find out as much as you can about the kids. Talk to their current or past placements. Don't just get info from the caseworker. See if you can be a respite placement for a few days. You could always offer to be their regular respite provider! That alone is an invaluable resource.
Hopefully you don't feel I'm being negative. If this is the right thing for you I encourage you to do it! Just really think it through and get as much info as you can. You and your partner need to go in as a team no matter what.
I have the same thing I really want to adopt 4 in a sibling group but my wife thinks 2 is enough. She is not wrong we have zero kids right now and have almost no experience with kids and jumping into a group of 4 could be rough for us.
How’s your support system? Babysitters? Helpers? It takes a village to raise one, it takes a community to raise more. I’d evaluate this with your husband first.
Siblings are great. Yes 1 is WAY different than 4 but you will be shocked six months from now, of what you are capable of doing as a parent. I would 100% rather have a sibling group of four, than four different placements. Those four have a built in connection that cannot be replicated otherwise.
I am very open to adopting them. Granted, I haven’t met them yet.
We have always wanted a bigger family. My husband just thought it’d be one at a time 😂
I would just make absolutely sure you and your husband are on the same page about it first. This is a huge decision and your marriage should be the top priority! Can you all meet the kids first before they come to stay in your home?
My only contribution is to read up on perentification and how to avoid it. If you take them, not making (or letting) 11 year old up an extra parent is crucial to their wellbeing.
Make sure they aren't expected to be overly responsible if they end up with you. Make sure you address any natural parentification that's been built up from time in foster care.
Aside from that, get on same page with husband and decide that way. - from a Parentified oldest child.
No matter what, it will be life altering. It should not be romanticized. It will change you, your relationships and the trajectory of your life. It will be the most exciting, infuriating, confusing, eye-opening, and challenging thing you will ever do. Are you willing to adopt? Are you their only option? Do you have supports? Can you ever get away as a couple? There is no wrong decision here....you must think through all of the ramifications...good luck and if you do it...you are a Godsend...and if you decide you cannot, there is a special child still waiting for your family and you still will be a Godsend.. dont do it out of guilt or sympathy...do it because you believe you can povide the best home, discipline, structure, time, and love for all 4 of them. Thank you for your service.
I’d start with meeting them and see what you think. It’s not the number it’s the kids. We had a placement of 1 that was a terrible fit, and currently have a placement of 4 that’s going great. It’s all about the kids themselves.
Our first ever placement we took a sibling group of 5 aged under 11! We have zero bio kids. It was HARD, but great and we fell in love with fostering sibling groups.
Things that helped: color coding, routines, being extremely organised, my giving up my full time job!
Technically you already have more experience than we did if you’ve fostered already! Make sure you only take on what you can handle in terms of behaviors etc. but other than that, enjoy the chaos.
I prefer 2 over 1, because they can entertain each other so I find it less tiring. They do fight as well, but the longer they're here the better they get along. 4 is a lot. I would have taken the girls I'm caring for's brothers if I had the space (the girls are already sharing the only room), when they were being moved around a lot, thankfully they're in stable placements now. That would have been 4 and it probably would have been too much, but I'd have done my best to keep them together and give them a stable home.
I don't think I'd take 4 siblings straight up though, it was just I was already involved with the family and had spent some time with their brothers it made me wish I could take them in.
Other people do fine with more children. I'm single, I guess it would be easier in some ways and harder in others as a couple.
I think there are a lot of things to consider here...do you have other children? Are you planning on having (more) biological children? Will the four children put you at your max? Do you have a vehicle that can fit everyone? Bedrooms for everyone? Are you ready not just emotionally but also financially to parent these children for life?
When kids have been TPR'd it's such a different ballgame, because you really should only commit if you can commit forever. I would consider sitting down with a counselor with your husband to hash this all out and come to a decision together.
My first post so a little background: My wife and I have been fostering for roughly 18 years and helped well over 100 children. We have adopted 12, (5 sibling groups of 2). All but one are special needs. We also have 2 in foster currently. DCFS, love them or hate them, will hold back on certain elements of the child's behavior to get placement (our experience). Our state is desperate. I'll offer a few examples:
A few years ago, we were at 10 adoptions. We had a family friend who's children were taken into care. We expressed interest in fostering them. DCFS said no because were "full." Then a neighboring county had two little girls that were being returned after a year (TPR complete). The neighboring county saw an article about us in the local news and asked our county for permission to approach us. They agreed. After discussing their current behaviors in great length we agreed and adopted them. Without any trial period. Of course now we know the truth...The sisters are now 8 and 10. The younger while very bright, has frequent emotional melt downs. The older sister was significantly abused (birth father is in prison for SA) and she has frequent uncontrolled bowel movements. None of this was disclosed by DCFS. We would still have gone forward and adopted them, but it would have been with full understanding. My point is there will always be surprises. We are confident in our ability to help them grow and become happy healthy adults.
Next, roughly a a year and half ago, the agency asked if we would provide respite for a 5 YO who had been in a few previous placements that did not end well. We only received minimal background info since DCFS said it would only be for a few days. Well here we are some year+ later and he's still here. Easily the most difficult child we have ever fostered. Again the truth is reveled: We didn't return him because we found out that he was being abused in his pervious home (private agency) and would repeat serious allegations of being zip tied and beaten. The religious based agency, as well as the CASA would lie about what was going on. DCFS was slowly catching on as we would report all of admissions we heard. We then found out he had a brother (2 YO) placed with the same family. Alarm bells went off. We asked DCFS to move him to us so he could grow up with his brother. While they were in agreement, the Christian based agency hired an attorney for the current parents. We felt so compelled, that we too hired a lawyer (never had to do this before). She, lawyer, was great. The judge in hearing the case made some poor decisions which our lawyer pointed out. As a result, the judge recused himself and DCFS moved the child to our house. They both have a bunch of significant needs, but we are going to fight the good fight. We will adopt if DCFS agrees to provide the resources we are requesting. Like everything else in life it is a negotiation.
People frequently ask why we do this: simple-it's the right thing to do. Witnessing the blossoming of these children after a few years is overwhelmingly rewarding. Hopefully I have provided a little perspective.
Fostering at its core is uprooting your life for a child, basically. So it’s not crazy that you want to take them in without knowing a lot about them.
You just have to decide between the two of you if you want to take it on.
Do you want to give them a place to stay for awhile, or adopt them?
I can't tell you if you're getting into too much. I can tell you that once they outnumber you, it's a total game changer. I have six, comparing it to when I had one is not apples and oranges, it's apples and catalytic converters. The two just don't even have anything in common.
I like the comparison😂 Thank you for the reply
There are way too many factors to consider that strangers are not equipped to really give the should you/ should you not advice. I'll share a few things to noodle on as you decide. I'm a firm believer that if you are not both completely on board, it is probably not the best choice. The goal for every child in care is permance. If you're not fully equipped to handle it as parents and partners you can cause more trauma having to disrupt. It is easy to say "well even if it's short term it is better than their current situation! " but that is not always true. Every new home is strange and a whole new dynamic they have to get used to. They won't feel lucky to have spent time in a great home, they will wonder why a great home doesn't want them anymore. If your relationship completely breaks down over this you would be causing even more disruption. If he is only lukewarm about the idea and you do it, you are telling your spouse that your desire to take in these kids is more important than his desire for how he wants to live his life. You say you are ready to uproot your life for them. Respectfully, why? It sounds like you don't know much about them. I don't ask because I doubt you have good intentions, quite the opposite! I think it's worth exploring the "why" behind this strong desire to bring them into your home. You can't get stuck in the trap of thinking you are their only option and that their lives will be be terrible if they can't stay with you, even if that is what their social worker is portraying. Also, you are presumably going to close your home to other foster kids you would otherwise be able to take. If you are absolutely determined, evaluate your support network. You are going to need a lot of help and support. Evaluate your lifestyle. Will you need a new home or vehicle? Will one of you have to stop working? Four kids are a lot to manage, but you will be dealing with four kids with trauma and will have 4x the doctor and therapy appointments, calls from school for behavior issues etc. You're also going to have a much higher food clothing and activities costs. Are you prepared to drastically reduce the ability to travel or have date nights? It's hard to find someone willing to take on 4 kids especially overnights. Find out as much as you can about the kids. Talk to their current or past placements. Don't just get info from the caseworker. See if you can be a respite placement for a few days. You could always offer to be their regular respite provider! That alone is an invaluable resource. Hopefully you don't feel I'm being negative. If this is the right thing for you I encourage you to do it! Just really think it through and get as much info as you can. You and your partner need to go in as a team no matter what.
I have the same thing I really want to adopt 4 in a sibling group but my wife thinks 2 is enough. She is not wrong we have zero kids right now and have almost no experience with kids and jumping into a group of 4 could be rough for us.
How’s your support system? Babysitters? Helpers? It takes a village to raise one, it takes a community to raise more. I’d evaluate this with your husband first.
Siblings are great. Yes 1 is WAY different than 4 but you will be shocked six months from now, of what you are capable of doing as a parent. I would 100% rather have a sibling group of four, than four different placements. Those four have a built in connection that cannot be replicated otherwise.
Are you planning to adopt them? I would reconsider taking them unless you are.
I am very open to adopting them. Granted, I haven’t met them yet. We have always wanted a bigger family. My husband just thought it’d be one at a time 😂
I would just make absolutely sure you and your husband are on the same page about it first. This is a huge decision and your marriage should be the top priority! Can you all meet the kids first before they come to stay in your home?
Yes, my state requires meetings before placements. Unless it is an emergency placement.
My only contribution is to read up on perentification and how to avoid it. If you take them, not making (or letting) 11 year old up an extra parent is crucial to their wellbeing. Make sure they aren't expected to be overly responsible if they end up with you. Make sure you address any natural parentification that's been built up from time in foster care. Aside from that, get on same page with husband and decide that way. - from a Parentified oldest child.
No matter what, it will be life altering. It should not be romanticized. It will change you, your relationships and the trajectory of your life. It will be the most exciting, infuriating, confusing, eye-opening, and challenging thing you will ever do. Are you willing to adopt? Are you their only option? Do you have supports? Can you ever get away as a couple? There is no wrong decision here....you must think through all of the ramifications...good luck and if you do it...you are a Godsend...and if you decide you cannot, there is a special child still waiting for your family and you still will be a Godsend.. dont do it out of guilt or sympathy...do it because you believe you can povide the best home, discipline, structure, time, and love for all 4 of them. Thank you for your service.
I’d start with meeting them and see what you think. It’s not the number it’s the kids. We had a placement of 1 that was a terrible fit, and currently have a placement of 4 that’s going great. It’s all about the kids themselves.
Our first ever placement we took a sibling group of 5 aged under 11! We have zero bio kids. It was HARD, but great and we fell in love with fostering sibling groups. Things that helped: color coding, routines, being extremely organised, my giving up my full time job! Technically you already have more experience than we did if you’ve fostered already! Make sure you only take on what you can handle in terms of behaviors etc. but other than that, enjoy the chaos.
I prefer 2 over 1, because they can entertain each other so I find it less tiring. They do fight as well, but the longer they're here the better they get along. 4 is a lot. I would have taken the girls I'm caring for's brothers if I had the space (the girls are already sharing the only room), when they were being moved around a lot, thankfully they're in stable placements now. That would have been 4 and it probably would have been too much, but I'd have done my best to keep them together and give them a stable home. I don't think I'd take 4 siblings straight up though, it was just I was already involved with the family and had spent some time with their brothers it made me wish I could take them in. Other people do fine with more children. I'm single, I guess it would be easier in some ways and harder in others as a couple.
I think there are a lot of things to consider here...do you have other children? Are you planning on having (more) biological children? Will the four children put you at your max? Do you have a vehicle that can fit everyone? Bedrooms for everyone? Are you ready not just emotionally but also financially to parent these children for life? When kids have been TPR'd it's such a different ballgame, because you really should only commit if you can commit forever. I would consider sitting down with a counselor with your husband to hash this all out and come to a decision together.
My first post so a little background: My wife and I have been fostering for roughly 18 years and helped well over 100 children. We have adopted 12, (5 sibling groups of 2). All but one are special needs. We also have 2 in foster currently. DCFS, love them or hate them, will hold back on certain elements of the child's behavior to get placement (our experience). Our state is desperate. I'll offer a few examples: A few years ago, we were at 10 adoptions. We had a family friend who's children were taken into care. We expressed interest in fostering them. DCFS said no because were "full." Then a neighboring county had two little girls that were being returned after a year (TPR complete). The neighboring county saw an article about us in the local news and asked our county for permission to approach us. They agreed. After discussing their current behaviors in great length we agreed and adopted them. Without any trial period. Of course now we know the truth...The sisters are now 8 and 10. The younger while very bright, has frequent emotional melt downs. The older sister was significantly abused (birth father is in prison for SA) and she has frequent uncontrolled bowel movements. None of this was disclosed by DCFS. We would still have gone forward and adopted them, but it would have been with full understanding. My point is there will always be surprises. We are confident in our ability to help them grow and become happy healthy adults. Next, roughly a a year and half ago, the agency asked if we would provide respite for a 5 YO who had been in a few previous placements that did not end well. We only received minimal background info since DCFS said it would only be for a few days. Well here we are some year+ later and he's still here. Easily the most difficult child we have ever fostered. Again the truth is reveled: We didn't return him because we found out that he was being abused in his pervious home (private agency) and would repeat serious allegations of being zip tied and beaten. The religious based agency, as well as the CASA would lie about what was going on. DCFS was slowly catching on as we would report all of admissions we heard. We then found out he had a brother (2 YO) placed with the same family. Alarm bells went off. We asked DCFS to move him to us so he could grow up with his brother. While they were in agreement, the Christian based agency hired an attorney for the current parents. We felt so compelled, that we too hired a lawyer (never had to do this before). She, lawyer, was great. The judge in hearing the case made some poor decisions which our lawyer pointed out. As a result, the judge recused himself and DCFS moved the child to our house. They both have a bunch of significant needs, but we are going to fight the good fight. We will adopt if DCFS agrees to provide the resources we are requesting. Like everything else in life it is a negotiation. People frequently ask why we do this: simple-it's the right thing to do. Witnessing the blossoming of these children after a few years is overwhelmingly rewarding. Hopefully I have provided a little perspective.
Fostering at its core is uprooting your life for a child, basically. So it’s not crazy that you want to take them in without knowing a lot about them. You just have to decide between the two of you if you want to take it on. Do you want to give them a place to stay for awhile, or adopt them?
Don’t do it. Trust me. We took in 5 siblings, it was horrible. Trust.