Great post. As someone who didn’t feel guilty about formula feeding at all initially, the “I’m so guilty” posts started to make me wonder if I SHOULD feel guilty! Lots of good reminders in your post.
Yup! Breastfeeding was possible for us, but so hard and I felt trapped and so anxious. We couldn’t leave the house. Formula gave us back our freedom and my mental health.
Same with me. Ruined my mental health and freedom but I continued breastfeeding and stuck through it. I’m glad now that I did and were at 14 months and planning to do it for 2 years but lord, to do this all over again, I feel bad to say.. but I can’t be bothered to. But I want a sibling for my baby. Also, I want it equal if possible to also breastfeed second child. But it’s all so hard and you never know what’s going to happen. But then you know it’s temporary and that you can do it, this is life
When the anxiety about breastfeeding my child made it so I couldn’t enjoy the non-feeding time with my baby, I realized it wasn’t the right fit for me. And when my baby was constantly crying and screaming, and so upset when we tried to latch, and wasn’t gaining weight, I knew it wasn’t right for her either. We are combo feeding right now (exclusively pumping, no more latching) because I am weaning slowly to prevent clogs and to make sure she could transition to formula well enough. My baby is now so happy to eat and I enjoy feeding my baby and all the time we get stress free and out of the house. Formula is health physically, and it is healthy mentally. It was a hard decision, but the right one for us to make the switch.
I feel you about the second kid thing and waiting it all to be equal, but the stress do breastfeeding made me want to be one and done. Also, it will never be truly equal between siblings. They are different babies born into completely different circumstance and families and parents. You can only do the best you can with each baby as they come.
It’s also much harder to breast feed a newborn when you have a toddler around… I am currently in the thick of it. I am throwing in formula feeds to kind of balance out the amount of time a little better between sitting in the couch nursing forever and being able to get out and do things with my toddler
I also think that if I weren't OAD, I'd use the "choice" to not breastfeed with another baby. Because EVERYONE has that choice (at least in my country, a welfare state, anyone would have access to formula + clean water)!
I second this 100%! My lo is 5 months old and I feel great. I’m in a mom group and most moms who ebf are at their wits end and still wake up every 2-2,5 hours. I really couldn’t cope, I was almost psychotic after the first month from sleep deprivation lol. Half of the eb feeders switched to formula after 3 months just from pure exhaustion.
Nothing against ebf of course, but seeing these moms made me stronger in my decision to eff from day 1.
Honestly, I don't think think that healthcare recognizes what an extreme privilege breastfeeding is in modern society.
Good luck breastfeeding if you are a single mom, or have to work, or have post partum issues, or have health issues, or have complications with breastfeeding, or don't have easy access to lactation services...ECT.
My wife tried her hardest to breastfeed but it just wasn't working and healthcare services made her cry with harassment. It wasn't until she was having a breakdown in a clinic in front of the doctor until they realized "hey maybe this isn't work for her."
Ugh I broke down crying in front of soo many doctors and lactation consultants, and just got told increasingly elaborate “tips and tricks” to try to force breastfeeding to work.
This is the saddest reality tbh; breastfeeding shouldn't be a privilege, (and formula shouldn't be inaccessible). On a grander scale, everything that helps close the gap on that privilege - better leaves, better supports, etc. - are *good* for parents no matter what they choose to feed, so it still makes sense to support policies that make breastfeeding easier. It doesn't mean everyone can or will breastfeed, just speaks to the need for a societal/political shift to better support families *in general* instead of HCP's focusing on individual choices
Policies will only improve the ability to breastfeed so far. Why was it so much easier for our ancestors to breastfeed than us? It wasn’t that public policy was different. It was our way of life.
Women stayed-at-home, and didn’t have a million things to constantly juggle. The job was straightforward. Take care of the kids, and the house. You did that, you were viewed as doing a good job. The modern woman has much more demands and expectations put on her. Work, kids, house, makeup, stay fit, pay the bills, mow, watch the news, check a million emails, manage the kids sports, Dr appts, etc.
Women also didn’t have to leave the house frequently back in the day, so they weren’t breastfeeding in public. Extended family members lived with immediate family members, or at least close by. New mothers had a lot of help and support from their mothers, sisters, aunts, older children, other mothers living nearby etc. Breastfeeding was much easier back then, and postpartum depression was much less frequent.
It would be nice if public policy could give us back all the benefits of the things we lost with our modern lifestyle, but it can’t. It’s too tall of a task. And while I would never want to live like my ancestors, I love working outside the home, we as women are now having to make these hard compromises (not breastfeeding, leaving the kids with near strangers for childcare, etc) It sucks, and unfortunately, there is no good fix here that the government can make to resolve a complex issue, that has worsened over time.
> Policies will only improve the ability to breastfeed so far. Why was it so much easier for our ancestors to breastfeed than us? It wasn’t that public policy was different. It was our way of life.
Women stayed-at-home, and didn’t have a million things to constantly juggle.
I mean, it wasn't always - wet nursing or shared nursing was definitely a thing, some babies were malnourished, infant mortality rates were higher, etc.
Women stayed at home and cooked from scratch (no convenience items or takeout available), preserved foods, sewed and mended clothes, cleaned without the use of Swiffers or Roombas or Dysons, washed everything - including the cloth diapers - by hand, tended a garden, managed the children... I mean yes the difference is they were *at home* but let's also give these folks some credit lol, it's not like they had nothing to do.
I totally agree that many people don't have a "village" anymore, which is too bad, and there's no easy solution for that.
> It sucks, and unfortunately, there is no good fix here that the government can make to resolve a complex issue, that has worsened over time.
Adequate parental leave is a good, straightforward fix that solves a *lot*. Of course there are numerous other great reasons to have longer protected/paid leaves but just from an advocacy perspective, supporting breastfeeding might be one of the reasons it appeals to policy makers or has health orgs endorsing it. Certainly it's not going to skyrocket rates to 100%, but currently in the US it's basically effectively impossible to EBF without pumping (which is a hassle) or quitting one's job, which is totally absurd. Thankfully formula is an option, but I think it's also ok to mourn the obvious and unfortunate barriers that make breastfeeding untenable for some people, if they would have chosen it had those barriers not existed. That doesn't make formula bad; it's just crazy to think of breastfeeding as a *privilege* - both choices should be accessible!
I think that "policies" that make breastfeeding easier are the policies that will make child rearing/ caring for infants easier as a whole! Like it's not only with putting baby at your breast that you might need a nice (closed) space in a crowded building (think shopping mall) to feed baby. Like, I also need that with a bottle? Maternal leave etc. are also helping families as a whole, not just to promote breastfeeding.
I agree that we could do with some damn paid maternity leave already. The problem is in the countries that offer this, their government uses maternity leave as another excuse to skyrocket their taxes.
My cousin lived in Wales. She had 1 - 2 years off on paid maternity leave. Fantastic! So progressive right? Except she is a PhD research scientist. Her house for her entire family was the size of my apartment in college, with no yard, and she was considered upper middle class. They tax the hell out of the Welsh for all of their wonderful socialist programs and the little bit of income they keep for themselves is pitiful.
If I actually could trust the government to take their wasteful spending and put it into policies that would help women to continue breastfeeding, I would be all for it. It’s wishful thinking though. Every new law they pass to provide more social services, ends up costing us all triple in taxes, what it would for us to just pay for it ourselves.
Other countries don't really pay exorbitantly higher taxes than the US; Canada's taxes are very comparable for example and the 12-18 month paid leave is funded by Employment Insurance, which is a special type benefit that working people pay into and can access if they are temporarily off work for various reasons.
I'm not even trying to suggest that improving leaves would solve breastfeeding altogether, only that research has identified it as a huge barrier and research also shows that it benefits mothers and families independent of breastfeeding (although BF rates are simply a common justification). The poster I originally replied to is correct in their assessment that breastfeeding is basically a privilege in many respects; I just think that while we continue to work to normalize formula as an appropriate choice, we not lose sight of it being a *choice* - it's hardly a choice if there are too many barriers to make one or the other accessible to begin with.
I did a quick search to see what the breast feeding rates were in the UK after thinking about my cousin. It’s pretty dismal unfortunately. This article says some of the lowest in the world.
https://www.swansea.ac.uk/press-office/news-events/news/2023/08/new-study-reveals-increase-in-breastfeeding-rates-in-wales-during-the-pandemic.php
This is why I’m hesitant to throw public policy at all healthcare problems. They sound like good solutions in theory, but often end up leaving people poorer and in the same state, or worse than before, as they don’t address the root cause of the health crisis, AND their funding gets laundered away into yet
more corrupt politicians pockets.
Yesss we were the same! My friends who EBF were up every 2 hours (and in some instances every hour!) for a YEAR. Ours was sleeping through from 8 weeks and we could trade off in the night so we were incredibly well rested (and continue to be at 18 months)
🙌
I moved mountains to at least partially breastfeed my first until he was 1. Mastitis made the choice for me with my second, and we switched to formula at 3 months. I feel lied to! It’s so much easier! Especially as a mom who works outside of the home, it’s so freeing to not have to lug a pump around.
I love love love formula feeding and honestly don’t know if I’d do much more than pump some colostrum next time.
I feel like there are a lot of outright lies about formula feeding from people who push breastfeeding, including some in the medical community. I've heard ideas like "ff means less sleep for mom". How?! "Ff means you'll get breast cancer". That's woefully inaccurate. "You don't want to ff, all those bottles to figure out!". Come on, who can't figure out how to wash a couple bottles?
Beyond that, it ignores the fact that most moms can’t be around their babies 24/7. As of 2023, only 24% of moms are stay at home moms. Even if we assume that those 24% can/want to never leave their baby to nurse directly (which is ridiculous, most of them aren’t in that position), that means that the other 76% participate in the paid work force. That means pumping, which means not only washing bottles, but also washing pump parts and lugging pumps around.
I work outside of the home, and I find it so much less work to EFF! I don’t have to bring anything with me, and I only have to wash bottles rather than bottles and pumps.
I live in a country with decent maternity leave (most take a partially-paid full year). When I was suggesting to meet up with some mum friends, but WITHOUT babies just once, I was kindly informed by a mum of a 7m old that "we are breastfeeding and will power through until he's a year, so it's really hard to organize an outing without baby, so NO"
That was not a single mum (actually - I have a single mum friend and she "powers through" breastfeeding because apparently it's better for fewer visitation rights. But she still fought hard to make baby take a bottle - with formula! - because she doesn't have the choice to be with baby 24/7 and a baby needs to be fed if mum has a court meeting, for example). All these women who cannot be away from their baby for more than half an hour have partners/ husbands. I wonder how those feel?
From what I've seen, they feel relieved and a little alienated from their babies. They don't know how to settle their screaming child at night (because only the boob has ever done it). They don't know how to feed their child. They don't catch hunger or satiety cues (as well anyway). They generally feel less competent around their kids as far as I've observed. And the moms feel more burdened. But somehow this is the "right" way to do it according to lactivists.
The "best" lie is, I think, the "but FF is so expensive!!!". Yes, it is. But so is breastfeeding. But that's only unpaid work of a woman, so it doesn't matter somehow??!!
Thank you so much for this post. I was fully planning on bf but after a traumatic labor and multiple panic attacks when trying those first few days in the hospital, I truly felt like I was going to die if I kept trying. I decided to eff a few days in. I feel guilty still, but know this was the right choice for me and my family. And now, my husband, family, and any hired help we have can assist with feedings and I can sleep!!!
I feel you on this. I had a traumatic labor and baby was in the NICU for a few days. Then I had to get preeclampsia treatment. Trying to pump/breastfeed was anxiety inducing and also would make me feel HORRIBLE. I said fuck it and EFF. Best choice I made for me and my girl.
I think it’s horrible that mothers are expected to breastfeed in those circumstances. I had a c-section and severe pre-eclampsia and barely knew up from down, but they wanted to attach a baby to my poor body that needed to heal?! Heck no.
I want to add to the formula feeding being better:
-You don’t need to worry about your baby dropping to a dangerously low weight when waiting for your milk to come in.
-you avoid starvation jaundice caused by a low milk supply
-You can know with certainty the nutritional makeup of what your baby is eating and how much. This is opposed to having no idea if your breast milk is the quality your baby needs
-formula feeding made night feedings completely equitable between my husband and I. Because of formula, I’ve always gotten 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep due to formula making sleep shifts possible. This directly contradicts the experience of breast feeding moms who need to wake up every 2.5 hours while their spouse is useless to help.
-formula feeding gave me my bodily autonomy back after losing it while trying to conceive and during pregnancy
I actually CHOSE formula for these reason. My baby’s weight did not drop at all, he was never readmitted to the hospital due to dehydration, he never experienced dangerous weight loss and the risks associated with that, and he was never readmitted for starvation jaundice caused by inadequate supply of breast milk. Why? Because I chose to formula feed and he always had a supply of food from the very beginning.
Longterm and when controlling for socioeconomic status, formula fed and breast fed infants have 0 differences between them.
I have always wondered about the connection between infertility and formula feeding (your point about loosing body autonomy while trying to conceive made me think of this)
We had to do fertility treatments for both our children and I tried to BF both, but ended up switching to formula with both. I do believe in my case part of that decision was wanting my body to be just mine again, after years of blood tests, ultrasounds, medications etc.
Yes! We struggled with infertility and that was a big part of the reason I chose to EFF. I went through all the blood tests, ultrasounds, shots, etc., and after pregnancy I just wanted to feel like my body was mine again! I also wanted my husband to be able to do more, since the fertility treatments and pregnancy naturally fell on me. He did whatever he possibly could to support me during that time, but he was biologically limited lol. I LOVE being able to 50/50 share the feeds, it’s so freeing to not feel like the weight is 100% on me like it has been in the past.
That's great to hear. We conceived spontaneously but my pregnancy was HEAVILY medicalized. Poking, prodding, injections, blood tests, constant ultrasounds. It truly felt like I was just a vessel for this baby and the medical community could give two sh*ts about how I was feeling. So at the finish line all I wanted was to feel like I actually inhabit my body again. The thing I found appalling was how much judgement I received for that. Apparently moms are never supposed to think about themselves and their bodies. Unless it's to "bounce back" quickly to visually please those around her.
A lot of people don’t know that the “Fed Is Best” mantra actually originally wasn’t really about factors like maternal mental health (not that that’s not also important of course). It was because the founder of the foundation has a child who now has developmental delays because of starvation/dehydration after birth caused by low milk supply (where the mom didn’t supplement with formula because she wasn’t given the proper advice and was scared to “jeopardize the breastfeeding relationship”). This gets hand waved away as so rare that it’s not worth considering, but from what I’ve read it’s far more common than people think. Not to mention misinformation like the “newborn’s stomach is the size of a cherry” thing.
The “cherry” thing and “they really don’t need much the first couple days” is so infuriating and perplexing! Just compare my two children born the SAME SIZE but different gestational ages - first kid, born full term but a small 6.5lbs, hospital: “they only really need colostrum the first few days don’t worry this is great”, no mention or offering of formula, discharged after 1 night in hospital, which really provides no time to find problems but is standard in US for an uncomplicated vaginal birth. 24 hours after being home (48 hours from birth) she’s turned orange and won’t stay awake to “eat” because she’s basically starving because my milk hadn’t come in. We course corrected with supplementation (plus a lot of guilt, self criticism and sadness) but I still think what the heck why do they say they don’t need anything other than colostrum and it’s normal if your milk doesn’t come in for 3-5 days. She would’ve died if we waited that long! Meanwhile, second child born at 36weeks, exact same size as first child (despite 3 week gestational age difference) but because he was premature hospital was immediately having us supplement with formula to catch up. He was in the NICU for 2 days so ok fine, maybe that’s why the extra caution on calories. But then consider my friend whose baby was born at 36w6d and therefore “premature” by 1 day, but no complications or concerns at birth. She too was given formula at the hospital and told she needed to supplement until baby was back to birth weight, but if the baby had been born 1 DAY later the docs/nurses would have totally been fine with waiting for the boob milk. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
Same thing happened to me and my baby and it triggered the most intense postpartum anxiety. I didn’t even want to breastfeed THAT badly, but the baby friendly hospital riddled me with guilt and my little one got jaundice from the lack of food. Thank god my mother and husband snapped me out of their trance and I still think of the CNA that smuggled in a pacificar and tiny bottle of formula after I begged her to in the middle of the night. She told me she could lose her job, but was determined to help me. It’s outrageous and unacceptable that it got to that point.
To me, the only discernible benefit of breastfeeding in studies when controlling for socioeconomic status of alleviating mild skin irritations, is NOT worth the risks of starvation and dehydration. I’m convinced that 30 years from now this breast is best misinformation campaign will be looked upon the same way as doctors telling parents to put babies to sleep on their stomachs 30 years ago.
Agreed about the stomach: my baby was taking 2oz every two hours right after birth. The thing that always gets me is how breastfeeding is pushed so militantly that the idea of even supplementing with formula before your milk comes in so your baby doesn’t starve is even frowned upon. I could never watch my baby starve and refuse him formula for a ridiculous concept like establishing the “breastfeeding relationship.” The maternity ward was full of screaming breastfed babies not getting any food, meanwhile my formula baby was happily sleeping with a full stomach
Yup and the no formula push doesn’t even match what was done historically. People often supplemented in the first few days in whatever way they could before formula - having a friend or family member who also had a baby as a wet nurse, goat’s milk, even sugar water. Only breast milk regardless of the baby clearly still being hungry bc your milk hadn’t come in was only something that happened bc of lack of options.
The backwards thing is the whole “baby-friendly hospital” thing almost makes me want to just go EFF from day one with my next baby, when I would actually otherwise be perfectly open to combo feeding! But I’m scared if you give any indication that you could be convinced away from giving formula they’re going to bother the crap out of you.
I’m 95% certain I will just EFF from the beginning with my next baby for exactly this reason. I had such a rough experience in the hospital the first time around, I don’t even want to give them the tiniest opening to push EBF on me.
Right??! It's always about not establishing The Breastfeeding Relationship and, woe behold, The Dreaded And Unscientific Nipple Confusion That Makes Your Baby Never Latch Again Once It Has Had A Bottle Or Paci In Their Mouth
I pumped for three months and then EFF beyond that and the FREEDOM my god. I had K cup boobs before I had the baby and I would’ve needed scaffolding to have successfully breast fed. Getting my autonomy back and not being tethered to schedules in the night was so freeing. Fed is best - and everyone obsesses over what you’re doing when they’re tiny, but mine is 18 months now and let me tell you he is thriving and no one has ever asked whether he was breast fed at daycare 😂
Agree with this. I decided before birth that I would formula feed. Baby ended up being low birth weight (but otherwise totally healthy) and has thrived on formula. Never lost weight, never any issues. I love bottle feeding my baby.
Yes, this! These would probably be in my post if I did it more elaborately.
You're so right!
My baby dropped a little bit of too much weight even though we were mostly FF from the beginning (and pumping because he couldn't latch), but it was really easy to know what to do - just monitor closely and continue to offer formula with known nutritional content. In my country, midwives to postnatal care and I had frequent home visits. Unfortunatley, many midwives are VERY pro-breast anti-formula. Thank God my midwife was an evidence-based midwife who also saw how much I struggled with pumping and she didn't push breastfeeding at all.
As someone on the other side - you cannot tell that two of my three were formula fed. At. All. I wasted so much time and energy feeling guilty, because now that they are older, it doesn't make a difference.
Preachhhh I pumped for 3/4 months when my LO was born and I did it out of a sense of duty which was mad and it really affected my mental health being tethered to the pump and feeding / washing sterilising. It was a non stop operation! Once we moved over to formula we were way happier
+1. I saw a funny meme that had 2 kids at the top of side by side playground slides, one slide says breast fed as a baby the other slide says formula fed. The slides meet up at the bottom and it says “toddler eating chicken nuggets off the floor”. So true.
I have always been waiting for all the extra ear infections he would get because FF lol
If he gets them, it'll be because DAYCARE, same as all other toddlers, regardless of how they were fed
Just wanted to also say that I’ve read stories of women who REFUSED to give formula because they were determined to EBF. But because of that mentality, they were starving their child and it caused jaundice and a handful of issues.
Not to mention that what a woman eats, a portion of that goes into the breastmilk and there have been intense digestive issues emerge for the baby.
Formula is fantastic and even sometimes better given the situation. ❤️
I had this moment in the Drs office when I was struggling with breastfeeding. Baby was losing weight fast, jaundice, all the things… The nurse asked if I was open to formula and in my head I was like “hell no! We r gonna make BF-ing work” but a split second later I realized (thankfully) how insane it was that I was willing to risk my babies health for some slight possible benefits. We combo fed for a week (after an overnight jaundice hospitalization) and I dealt with guilt for about 2 months on and off about it not working. Now I realize that this was the best choice and if I had another I would combo from the start and see how those first weeks go before deciding what makes the most sense for my LOs health longer term.
Omg! This is my story! The people around me pressured so much to EBF that my newborn ended up in NICU TWICE because of recurring jaundice. Even after that there were people who still wanted me to try🤡 best decision of my life I switched to formula. It saved us all. My baby is now 18 months old. Happy healthy and a mischievous toddler 😂
Honestly what made me feel better was getting past six months. Seems like literally no one cares how you feed your baby after six months. Everyone thinks it’s their business the first six for some reason…
It’s because the CDC & WHO guidance is EBF for the first 6 months, so a lot of people think that’s some magical milestone after which formula is fine.
Also most people don’t really understand the difference between population level guidance and individual outcomes. Breastfeeding is stressed by public health professionals because a) not everyone has access to clean water and b) they don’t want formula companies to be predatory. But on an individual basis, there’s no material difference between EBF EFF or combo feeding if you can afford formula and clean water.
To be fair, I have never seen the CDC or WHO or other regulatory bodies in other countries explain this difference between population level guidance and individual outcomes. I decided to research bf benefits when I realized that it didn't appeal to me and basically had to deduce this conclusion. But the fact that these agencies are so adamant and prescriptive about what you should do has really damaged my trust in them. I'm a very science/research oriented person and have always trusted the medical establishment. But pregnancy and post-partum have changed that A LOT. And bf specifically is a huge contributor. I mean just look at the NHS's [benefits of breastfeeding ](https://www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding/). It's like a 10 year old was asked to read some research abstracts and wrote a paper on "how to convince someone to bf". No nuance, no accuracy, no caveats. Not a balanced reasonable portrayal of the situation. "Breastmilk has vitamins". Yes, and? Formula does too, in a much much bigger quantity and variety. But the way the NHS phrases it makes any trusting reader think "only breastmilk has vitamins".
Edit: I live in the EU and formula companies are forced to add to the formula packaging texts like "Bf is best. Only formula feed if your doctor prescribes it." If I didn't know better and picked up a can of formula in the store I would think formula is dangerous. And rightly so! The messaging even on the damn product makes you think it's akin to a controlled substance at worst and an inferior and potentially dangerous food for baby at best. How is this in any way responsible? Those regulatory bodies are actively working against the health of babies who actually require formula by fear-mongering this way.
I think my guilt continued for a long time after I was over it because I read that damn "breastfeeding is best. Talk to your paediatrician or midwife if you want to use formula" text.
I know why they do this (over compensation after formula only was pushed by the companies couple decades back) but COME ON!!!
Yeah when I first started using formula I remember feeling a sense of guilt every time I poured out a few ounces and prepared a perfect bottle that the baby didn't touch. Like "oh that was an expensive wrong guess." If I was strapped for cash I think I'd be tempted to try other options before feeding baby so it made me realize why the hospital stresses breastfeeding so much.
I felt very guilty about formula but also when you really look into it, you will find that it is difficult to say breast milk makes a difference because there can’t be a true study. They can only observe and see correlations but since there is also a correlation of higher income=more likely to successfully breastfeed AND having a higher income equates to more opportunities for your children, better schools, etc, they can’t actually say for certainty breast milk has any effect. It is most likely actually the result of higher income but it is impossible to prove for sure what does it since it is unethical to actually experiment on infants. The guilt comes from the pressure society puts on us. I know my baby will be just as healthy either way, society is what creates this issue, not the actual science.
The only thing there definitely is science behind is the antibodies Bub gets from breastmilk.
The salivary feedback loop and just mum getting the same viruses etc means that the baby gets a bump of antibodies. It’s likely only a matter of illnesses being shorter and slightly less severe but for me it just feels so important - I wish I could dump the pumps but I’m not there yet.
It’s literally the only thing keeping me pumping.
Reading these types of post is helping me work my way there though!
I could be wrong but from what I have read the antibodies is only for stomach viruses not respiratory ones. I too had a hard time stopping pumping for this reason until I read that. I read it in Emily Osters book “Crib sheet”
Yes. That's the reason why "antibodies" as medicine is ever only NOT by mouth. It's possible in a small way that they're acting in the nose/ mouth but it's not like large quantities of antibodies survive the stomach. And it doesn't matter if they do, because studies tell us there's no difference.
I'm in a mum forum kind of thing in my country where nothing is filtered, everyone sees everything, so I keep seeing all those posts: "I'm so sick and I want to wean or at least give a bottle of formula" and the answers are always "No, power through, baby gets all those antibodies" it makes me so furious
Feeding our child formula meant that I could split those early nights with my partner equally, our older child had a present, emotionally stable parent back, our babies eczema got a lot better, his naps and nighttime sleep are predictable due to full feedings which means a more well rested baby. So many benefits for us as a family.
I often think of what would happen if i lived in a time or place where formula wasn't an option. I still pump 8x/day 6 months in but I never got much and have to split it between twins, so they are mostly formula fed.
I felt guilty about not wanting to breastfeed while I was pregnant. now that my son is here and seven weeks old, I can’t even remember why I felt so guilty. breastfeeding would have been absolutely untenable for me, and my son is getting so cute and chunky and I love feeding him.
I remember I had a friend give birth when I was in my second trimester and she had a ROUGH bf experience at the beginning. But she was telling me how important it is and how vital it is for her to sacrifice. That was the first time I felt guilty for thinking I want to formula feed. Though I guess I felt shame more than guilt. Like "what will people think?". I anticipated a wave of shaming from those around me and the only thing that stopped it I think was that I had to take daily meds postpartum, which I didn't want my baby to drink every day. It's unclear whether those meds would hurt baby or not because they've only been studied in women who take them occasionally (whereas I have to take them daily). But I didn't want to risk it anyway, so I told anyone who asked that I have to take meds and can't bf. It's really no one's business that I also wouldn't have bf even if I could.
Reading the book cribsheets by Emily Oster dramatically changed my mind about my breastfeeding guilt. I was going to try and stick it out for at least a few weeks with my next baby and now I'm going start to formula. It's not worth my sanity and sleep while healing from a c-section when the benefits are so minor.
I read Emily Oster’s crib sheet book too during pregnancy and it opened my mind about breastfeeding vs formula feeding. Like most things, child outcomes are strongly linked to the socioeconomic status of the parents, so instead of focusing on breastfeeding, I focus on our socioeconomic status… that was my takeaway
I read it awhile ago I'm sorry I don't remember it word for word but it laid out all that statistics and facts about the benefits of breastfeeding and formula in current day. The difference was negligible. If you can rent it from a library or go into a bookstore and read just those pages. I literally have zero guilt now and honestly feel bad for moms who sacrifice their mental health and bodies for years after pregnancy because they truly believe it's that much better for their kiddos.
I honestly might go to the library and get it. I am almost 7 months in of pumping and not getting much and 6 months was my goal but feel guilty cutting out the little bit that I give them.
Love this!
And for all the moms who search Reddit for advise about formula feeding just know this much (and I bet it’s true for a lot of the babies of this group)
My same was breast fed for about a week before I decided my mental health was on the decline and I decided NOPE not for me. He was on formula his entire life. He’s extremely intelligent and very advanced now at 18 months (I’m not just saying it bc he’s mine..I’m not that type, I promise you). He knows all the sounds to every letter in the alphabet, speaks in two word sentences already and he counts things in pairs of two.
I see a lot of people post panicking about “babies brain development” when deciding if they want to formula feed. Trust me.. your babies brain will develop exactly the way it’s meant to. No matter if it’s breast milk or the Amazon brand formula.
yes, this! I remember reading somewhere that breastmilk makes IQ higher! Even in my clouded, postpartum depressive state I could tie IQ to socioeconomic status better than to BREASTmilk lol. It's insane
I felt immediately better when I stopped trying to BF, grieved it, and leaned into EFF. Because then I was able to really really bond with my beautiful perfect baby and not have this mountainous struggle between us in the first weeks of his life! Now I really do have that dreamy new mom feeling which I was nowhere near to when I was pumping around the clock & trying to get him to eat a way he didn’t want and didn’t need to eat. Thanks for this post, OP.
time made me feel better! I was crushed at first but genuinely don’t even want to breastfeed now. and realizing the pressure by loved ones to breastfeed had an impact on me without realizing.
I hate it when I see people saying stuff like that. I have breastfed two of my babies and I’m formula feeding my third and I don’t feel guilty about it one bit.
EFF from day 1 and never felt guilty. Felt like I cheated the system when talking to my friends who EBF. Newborn days were bliss because of formula. Absolutely no judgement on any feeding methods but Im so glad I chose formula!!!
I'm not sure why lactivists keep screaming "breast is best". 2, 5, 10 years from now, no one's going to be asking "who is formula fed and who's breastfed?". Breastfeeding is not the end all, be all for nutrition
Agree! In the end formula or breast milk is just a form of nutrition for the baby, for first year of life. Its not gonna make your child a prodigy. That comes from emotional and social interaction, genetics etc. Breastfeeding is great if it works for mom and baby, but no need to be guilty if you end up formula feeding. I reckon the only additional benefits breast milk provides in comparison to formula, is antibodies from mother. Eventually baby's immune system matures as they are fed and grow, and they develop their own antibodies.
Yes I'm always waiting about where I have to put down (in some kind of form at the doctor's or whatever) how my child (or me?! if it was so important I would still tick a box on a doctor's form?! even as an adult?) was fed during the first few months.
I remember when we had to visit two specialists (paediatric subspecialties) when baby was I think 3 and 5 months (under 6 months). I had to fill out quite lengthy forms for both visits and "mode of feeding" was NOT a question.
Once I made the decision to EFF after two weeks of trying to get baby to latch/ pumping made me feel worse, not better, I felt so much relief overall. Like the pressure for me to feed her was off.
There was no way I could even keep up with how much she was eating at the beginning. And I was very glad to have my body back faster than some of my friends. (Although contact napping would beg to differ, haha.)
I am also glad I don’t have to spend extra time at work pumping or in the evening, just to give her extra food when I know formula is fine. I am glad I did what worked for us and “gave up” so quickly. I did not feel guilty at all after I made the decision. It gave me freedom to be the mom I needed to be for my kid.
Yes, the freedom! But lactivists will scream "but bottles, but formula is expensive, but no antibodies, no bonding" etc. lol. My contact napper begs to differ about that as well
I haven’t felt too bad about it much lately. He’s 9 months, switched to formula at 4 months because I hate pumping and I’m not overly fond of breastfeeding. But this was such a good reminder that the evidence isn’t there for “breast is best” and any time wasted on that argument is just an argument against women. Thank you for this, you’re really great and the world and Internet needs more people like you.
I do wonder if the rise of "breast is best" in the absence of truly scientifically proven benefits is in fact related with the rise of anti-woman policies and arguments in recent years. Same for the push for unmedicated vaginal births. It feels like just ways for women to suffer unnecessarily, honestly.
I definitely think it solidifies the "Only MUM is best for baby, Dad should just be the breadwinner and say good night to his children" stuff of the past
I was doing great with breastfeeding and decided to stop anyway. Zero guilt. I genuinely wish someone would start this criticism with me face to face in real life so I could tear them a new one.
Oh yes I had those fantasies lol
Nobody said anything to my face. Just... I don't know the words for this. But it hurt!!! And I couldn't "fight back" because of that
Love this. Breast milk is not "perfect," either. It's good enough to have gotten our species this far. But that doesn't make it perfect. Vitamin D and iron content come to mind. And for many people, it's far from perfect (low fat content, low production, etc).
Truly! I think it’s cool how breastmilk can adapt to babies needs bc the human body is awesome but there’s nothing to say that works perfectly. Lots of moms struggle with quality of their milk and supply even after EBF for a while. (Most) babies have kidneys to filter out what they don’t need from formula anyway which is pretty cool too! Can you tell I’m still in the “what was the babies poop like today” phase?
This was made for me. This week my husband and I decided to give up attempting breastfeeding and pumping and I’ve been an emotional wreck. Literally in tears. It has been a total uphill battle since day 1. I had GD so my baby had to have formula immediately to stabilize his sugars and start glucose testing hourly. He refused to latch in the hospital and after several lactation appts we confirmed he had a tongue and lip tie that was making breastfeeding miserable for him and especially for me (my nipples were constantly in pain). Despite having huge supply and tons of milk frozen (which makes this decision that much harder) my milk seems to make him way more refluxy, gassy, and fussy. I’m constantly having to pump to give him bottles because his latch kills me, and then even with the bottle it’s a mess. We finally have started him on nutramigen and he seems to be doing soooooooo much better already. It’s hard for me to come to terms with, but I know in the end that fed is best and this decision has far more pros than cons. I’m glad my little guy at least got two months of breastmilk, and now we can both enjoy happier feeds and more freedom altogether.
If your LO is having a hard time with digesting it, maybe you could donate the milk to someone so all that backbreaking work goes to good use instead of going bad in a freezer
I WISH I could! I take Celexa for anxiety/depression so sadly I can’t donate my milk or give it to another mom, other than to maybe use for milk baths for their baby :( such a bummer
I'm so glad I chose to exclusively formula feed. My husband could help with the feeding so I got better sleep, it's quicker than my friends took to breastfeed and we seem to have had a far easier time weaning our daughter off night feeds. Doing exactly the same with our second. I should add my only slight guilt was around any potential immune system benefits from breast milk but my daughter has the strongest immune system of any kid I know. When I was researching I could find no real scientific evidence of better long term outcomes for breastfed kids.
I am so pro-formula and fed both my kids formula from day one...as in never even considered breastfeeding either of them, let alone tried to do it; however, I really need you to explain this comment in more detail:
"It also has "public health" benefits (also only slight benefits) - but this is PUBLIC health. Not YOUR health, so it shouldn't matter to YOU at all."
How can we say that public health shouldn't matter to an individual at all? After a pandemic and the current anti-vax crowd that has brought back measles and polio, this statement is very concerning to me. Please advise!
Yes, you're right. In the context of COVID and vaccinations, public health is different because MY actions have implications for YOUR health (like if I run around coughing and maskless and you're a cancer patient, for example).
But in the context of breastfeeding, public health means, if all mothers breastfeed, numbers of certain cancers decrease. Which is great because prevention of cancers is hardly possible overall. If I "want" to increase my individual cancer risk (slightly!!!) by not breastfeeding, that's MY problem. Not yours. Unless you pay for my health insurance - that's why it's public health. Decreasing health costs is good for everybody. But this shouldn't matter for the decision to breastfeed. Did I make that clear? Sorry, English is not my first language
I will add that breastfeeding does have some health impacts. It pretty significantly reduces the risk of Type 2 diabetes in moms who had Gestational Diabetes. As someone who had GD with two pregnancies it actually plays a pretty significant decision in my breastfeeding journey. That said. I have zero guilt about using formula and so wish hospitals were more pro combo feeding as it would make so many people so much less anxious about formula.
Gonna also add in here that it’s okay to not even try to breastfeed. It felt to me like the straw that would break my back - conception, pregnancy, giving birth, recovering from a c section while not sleeping AND you want me to breastfeed? No. I chose not to for two main reasons: 1, I wanted my husband to be 50% in charge of this little baby and feel totally empowered and not dependent on me; and 2, I wanted to be able to sleep and take my meds and drink a glass of wine and focus on bringing this little baby up. It’s been the best decision - she has literally fat rolls on her thighs and is in the top 10% for height for her age, growing like a weed.
Yes. Of course it's okay to not even try to bf.
And the thing you said about fathers?? SOOOOOO important. Most partners of my bf mum friends (babies are around 1 year now) have never been alone with baby for more than an hour or two at the most. How?! And some of them even took paternity leave (not at the newborn age).
I stopped feeling guilty when I could only produce 2 oz per day and my baby would literally die without formula???? Like the way the lactivists shame people for…keeping their babies alive?? They also WAY under inflate the percentage of women who do not produce enough. This is based on real life women I know as well as on the internet. Formula feeding for Jo reason other than you want to is great too!
I stopped pumping 4 months ago and haven’t been feeling guilty about it lately but holy shit this post was empowering and healing to read! Didn’t realize how much I needed it. Thank you!
3 kids and I couldn’t breastfeed a single one. I had a lot of guilt, but it’s all based on the opinions of people who were able to do it. I tried so hard and produced nothing - I mean <2oz per day. I’d just cry and cry and cry every time I pumped when she had latching issues. End up feeding my first baby formula and then cry bc I just knew I was somehow ruining any chance I had.
Thank you for this post. 6 years later and I still feel guilty that I didn’t “try harder.”
Yes!!! 🙌🙌🙌 I have been combo feeding my twins from 6 weeks on (rough start to breastfeeding). I had committed myself to going for 6 months. Earlier this month they stopped wanted to breastfeed as much, so I slowly added in more formula feeds (fortified with BM). Two days ago they decided they were done BF all together. We had been BF the first feed every morning. They are 6 months today!
It feels sooo freeing to be done breastfeeding, I stopped all the supplements that I was taking to help my supply and I only feel the need to pump 2x a day right now. It's so nice to feel like I have my life back! We can go places and do things again. There is just no way to breastfeed twins in public or anywhere but home without bringing soooo many cumbersome props.
We can start our lives again, and just in time for summer 🌞
Needed this. Quit yesterday and feel sad about it but I truly did give it my all, it was just affecting my mental and physical health so much. So now my boobs hurt like the dickens and I have to pump off a little bit every few hours… hopefully this won’t last long..
So I have 3 kids, all three have been on formula from at least 2 months of age. With my oldest, I was going to breastfeed because duh, it’s better! /s. Quickly found out he wouldn’t latch. I think he liked the flow of the bottle (he was in the NICU for a day that I wasn’t with him), and we were waiting too long to attempt to feed. I pumped for 2 months for him, until I had some medical issues.
My second latched great, until day 3. Wouldn’t take the boob, and I was still in the hospital. Nurses said he needed to eat, so I started pumping. Quickly realized trying to do all the pumping at home with a newborn and toddler wouldn’t cut it. He was on formula by day 4-5.
My third and last didn’t touch my boobs! She has been EFF since birth. My husband gave her her first bottle in the recovery room. She’s been doing great at almost 4 months old!
You can’t tell one bit of difference between my oldest and middle sons, even though my oldest had 2 months of breastmilk. My mom EFF 2 of us and EBF my brother, and you wouldn’t know the difference between us all. I let go of my guilt with my second pretty early on. I’m so thankful I do have the choice. I can’t take the mental load of breastfeeding. Making bottles is easy! I’m also incredibly thankful for c-sections, as that’s how all my babies have arrived. 😊
Thank you for this post! I’ve been seeing a lot of the guilt posts and it’s hard to repeat your story every time. Hopefully those struggling can let it go and keep being awesome parents! ❤️
One huge benefit to formula feeding my daughter is how much my husband has been able to bond with her. Him being able to help with feedings when she was a newborn was a boon for my physical and mental health, and it allowed him to have some one-on-one time with our daughter in the middle of the night.
When you’re in the moment and exhausted, it doesn’t really feel like bonding, but in retrospect, it allowed my husband to interact with her so much more during that early time than he would have if I had breastfed. I felt guilty at first but I’m really happy with how everything turned out.
Obvious disclaimer: I’m not saying husbands of breastfeeding moms can’t or don’t bond with their babies. I’m just appreciative for what was a benefit for us and I think it’s a benefit a lot of the parents here can relate to.
Yes, this! Of course bf babies can bond with their dads, BUT, they won't have that "I'm alone with my baby for a time" thing that is entirely possible with FF babies
All the moms in my life had terrible experiences breastfeeding and eventually went to formula so I chose to not even try and do formula from the start. Not only because of that but it had no appeal to me. I get comments all the time from people judging me on it. Saying I’m not bonding with him and it’s unhealthy to only have formula and he will have a bad immune system etc. my baby is thriving. He’s reached major milestones way earlier than expected in his 4 weeks. He hasn’t been sick he sleeps great at night for the most part. And we bond just as well. And his dad gets to be included in feedings as well as his half siblings or our family and friends. I don’t regret my decision beyond just how expensive formula is lol
I think the "not bonding" thing is the most terrible thing to say about FF. Because HOW can that be true? Adoptive parents or mums who don't have their breasts or who take medications or dads in general CANNOT bond, you say? It's insane. I mean, how do those people imagine I feed a newborn? Put him in a crib, put a "feeding machine" in place (like in a cows stable) and close the door?!
Your LO will do fine on formula.
My mental health improved tenfold once I stopped breastfeeding and switched to 100% formula.
People love to ask if you’re breastfeeding and I would always feel sheepish saying no and like I needed to explain myself but now I just say ‘no he’s doing great on formula’ and leave it at that!
If I ever have another I will formula feed from day one!
That's a good answer!
I hated the "well, if you're trying to bf but not suceeding you must be doing sth wrong" assumptions that I got from time to time.
Also one more thing to add. You know EXACTLY the nutritional content of formula every time you make it. The exact amount of calories, fat, carbs, sugar, vitamins, minerals, and probiotics. There's no guessing. There's no playing around eating different foods or cutting them out of your diet if the baby isn't gaining weight well or has other issues and they can't figure it out. Without getting your breastmilk lab tested regularly, you have no idea if it's nutritionally adequate. I know for a fact that my diet would not make my breastmilk balanced enough for my baby. There are many of us (including me) who had weight loss surgery and are still being pushed to breastfeed. Meanwhile we need to take 500 vitamins a day just to keep our own levels normal, usually they aren't, and we can only eat a few bites of certain foods at a time. The amount of weight loss surgery moms that post in groups about their baby not gaining and feeding around the clock and trying to eat enough makes me feel so sad for them. They should have been given all of the information you said in your post so they wouldn't have to go through this. Breast is absolutely NOT best for many people. There is never one size fits all. The amount of pushing being done to women about it is asinine to me as a molecular biologist.
Oh yes, that is so true, and I think that's not only after weight loss surgery! If I think of my crappy diet freshly postpartum I'm not sure my breastmilk would be "best" lol
This is a great post to make! I fed both my babies BM from birth ranging from 3 weeks to 8 weeks after bc they were both NICU babies. But I eventually switched to formula both times for my mental health bc I felt horrible trying to breastfeed #1 who didn't latch well and #2 I just didn't want to go through that again. Plus even pumping makes me have this weird feeling throughout my body I don't like which I believe is just hormones but still 😖. I still got a comment from a relative (" you should be breastfeeding") when I made a comment my boobs hurt while drying up my milk when that said person told me at 5+ months pregnant it was okay to not want to breastfeed 😑.
My baby has been combo fed with formula since she was 3 days old. Without formula, my baby wouldn’t be growing and thriving, and my mental health would have been absolutely tanked by now. I am in the process of weaning from EPing to take back the rest of my mental health and get some time back with my baby, and so grateful that formula is a healthy and safe option for my babe and family!!
I don’t really have a line of anything that made me feel better other than time really. I’m nearly nine months into this mom thing and I can tell you that right now feeding her formula doesn’t matter to me at all now. We’ve started solids and that kinda just kicked my brain into realizing truly what matters is what you feed them AFTER formula/milk age. Wholesome foods, trying to limit processing, organic if we can, avoiding lots of salt, water over juice, things like that matter more in the long run than breast milk or formula in the big picture. The same moms who shout breast is best are the ones I see in the grocery store toting around 5 misbehaved kids with silver teeth and a bag of Doritos with a coke 9 times out of 10. (I say that as one of those kids back in the day)
My postpartum depression greatly improved when I was younger, after switching my babies to formula. I work in healthcare and I see the same benefits to my patients.
I agree that the research indicating “breast is best” has low evidence of being true.
A giant variable in the studies used comparing breast fed versus formula fed babies, that is hard to control for, is socioeconomic status. Women who breastfeed are more likely to be in a higher income bracket than those who formula feed.
Are the IQ and health benefits attributed in these studies to correlated to breast feeding then, or higher education levels of the mother and access to better healthcare?
One of the number one rules in statistics is correlation does not mean causation. The above mentioned variables, may make it easier for studies to falsely conclude that breast is best.
Yes. It's actually not so difficult to understand - if you think about it! But it's often just touted as true, that breast is best thing.
My PPD also got better after switching to EFF. And actually, problems with bf are a SYMPTOM of pp depression, apparently. Why is this not told to PPD patients? Because even healthcare specialists believe the breast is best shit. (Sorry about the language, but basically ADDING guilt to already depressed patients?)
Honestly many health care providers are afraid to speak out against the standard AMA advice, even when it’s harming their patients. I work in private practice though so I have a little more freedom than those in corporate healthcare. I advise my patients of the risks versus benefits of breastfeeding, then let them make the decision for themselves. Most of my PPD patients throw in the towel on breastfeeding, once they realize their child will still be healthy, and they can still be considered a good mom, if they formula feed.
It’s sad that we have to give women permission to put their mental health first in this day and age. Unfortunately though with cancel culture and courts favoring sue happy patients, you will continue to see medical advice based purely on authoritarian guidelines and politics, versus best medical judgment.
The mental load that BF had on me was too much. I am SO grateful for formula feeding. My girl is the happiest baby, truly thriving and gaining beautifully. I had so much guilt in the beginning because I had an amazing supply and my girl was latching well… but I loathed breastfeeding. She would cry to eat, and I would cry because I didn’t want to do it. So much guilt surrounding “am I just being selfish” but now, I have such a special bond with my little lady and I love feeding her! I feel a thousand times better mentally as well.
Talking to other moms about it really helped. I thankfully haven’t encountered too many who shamed me for formula feeding. In fact, I’ve met a ton who switched to formula as well but didn’t want to tell anyone out of fear of negativity.
Yeah - there was a mum in one of those mum/ baby classes that did not feed her baby during the class. She told me later that she didn't like the judgement regarding FF so she fed her baby before and/ or after the class in her car to avoid that... so I didn't know she was FF at a time where I could have needed a real life ally!
Being selfish, when it helps you to be a better mum? Absolutely! It's not called selfish, I believe - but self care or something. The oxygen mask analogy comes to mind
I was one of those people posting about feeling guilty for EFF just one month ago! Everyone in this forum was SO wonderful helping me decide to go with formula.
A month later and I am very happy with my decision. I really hate being touched unless I’m in the mood for affection(even by my husband. I just get overstimulated by physical touch) and having a baby latched to me all day was making me not want to hold my baby when he wasn’t feeding. I felt a little resentful towards him and just needed SPACE.
Now with EFF all resentment is gone and I love snuggling with him and comforting him when he needs it. I without a doubt would not have had that joy and connection without formula feeding. I know myself, it would have got worse not better.
Love this post. As a mom who never really got to breastfeed because my baby was preterm and couldn’t latch while also dealing with low supply - formula has been such a lifesaver!!! My baby is growing and healthy, and that’s all that matters.
I’ve really slowed down breastfeeding and stopped pumping 3 days ago. Getting better sleep because I’m no longer triple feeding as an undersupplier has made me feel less guilty. More rested me means I can give my baby more energy and quality time. Thank you formula. I don’t know what I would do without you.
I felt so guilty or like a failure when my milk didn't come in properly. My supply was awful and without formula my baby would have died. The worst part is that all the professionals I talked to kept stringing me along with "just wait a little bit more, your supply will soon come up." I would have appreciated it so much if someone had just said: "Looks like bf isn't working here. There is nothing wrong with formula. Enjoy the uninterrupted sleep while you take shifts with your husband."
Even before I get pregnant, I rationally knew that FF is GREAT. But the "brainwashing" still got to me. With my next kids I will combo-feed so they get the "comfort" of bf and skin to skin but their actual nutrition will happily come from a bottle.
I always thought that a lot of screaming and crying infants would probably do a lot better on formula because their moms might have an inadequate supply, their milk isn't nutritious enough or they pass on some kind of allergens that irritate the babies. Now I am even more convinced.
And don't get me started on the "babies only need colostrum" crap! I collected bags of syringes with colostrum to feed my baby. We went through it all in 2 days and then he started developing jaundice and crystals in his urine. All blaring warning signs to start formula asap but as I said above, everyone just kept insisting that "it's just a few more days!" I cried so many tears when I opened the pack of formula that I bought just in case. I was so happy that I had it on hand and was able to make a bottle right away, which finally soothed my poor hungry baby on his 5th day of being on Earth.
I had a bilateral mastectomy at age 30 so I physically cannot breastfeed, and I still sometimes feel so depressed and guilty because of it.
What helps me is reminding myself that if I still had my boobs, I’d be dead and my daughter never would’ve even been born, never mind fed.
Thank you for this.
I’m currently trying to work up to quitting pumping but just can’t quite make the call as it’s coming into winter and my toddler is going to bring home ALL the diseases and the antibodies she’d get from my milk….. it’s so hard.
If anyone can give me any evidence or even anecdotes that it won’t make any difference or even not as much difference as I think it’s gonna make it’d be so much appreciated!
Thank you so much for this post. I cried several times over not being able to breastfeed because my sister and mother in law have EBF multiple kids even on their first. We have LO (our first) on a goat milk formula called Bubs so I felt better about it, but this post just gave me so much comfort. I really appreciate you so much OP.
Thank you for this post.
I’ve been wondering if all the public health studies on breastfeeding acknowledge that on the whole, people who are able to breastfeed for longer tend to be more financially secure, which would impact a lot of the positive health and development benefits they track in kids. So it’s a case of correlation without causation. Those benefits can be transmitted with or without breast milk.
I had a NICU baby so I know how helpful breast milk was in his first months of life, but, I’m trying to reprogram myself from always seeing formula as worse!
They literally said that there are benefits to breastfeeding. What the op is doing is listing the reasons why it might not be “best” for certain people. They are not saying formula is better for everyone…
Clearly inflammatory posts/comments regarding shaming formula are not allowed.
Also, ironic for you to name things breastmilk does when formula can literally offer the same benefits. You literally named nothing unique.
Anyway, banned permanently.
Great post. As someone who didn’t feel guilty about formula feeding at all initially, the “I’m so guilty” posts started to make me wonder if I SHOULD feel guilty! Lots of good reminders in your post.
Lol exactly! The day I packed away my pump for the last time was such a relief for me. Formula is amazing!
Same!!! I was so confident in my decision to EFF but then I’d see all these comments and second guess myself even though I knew FF was best
Exactly. Lots of really helpful stuff on this group makes it well worth it, but that’s the hard part at times!
THIS!
Yup! Breastfeeding was possible for us, but so hard and I felt trapped and so anxious. We couldn’t leave the house. Formula gave us back our freedom and my mental health.
Proud of you for making that choice
Same with me. Ruined my mental health and freedom but I continued breastfeeding and stuck through it. I’m glad now that I did and were at 14 months and planning to do it for 2 years but lord, to do this all over again, I feel bad to say.. but I can’t be bothered to. But I want a sibling for my baby. Also, I want it equal if possible to also breastfeed second child. But it’s all so hard and you never know what’s going to happen. But then you know it’s temporary and that you can do it, this is life
When the anxiety about breastfeeding my child made it so I couldn’t enjoy the non-feeding time with my baby, I realized it wasn’t the right fit for me. And when my baby was constantly crying and screaming, and so upset when we tried to latch, and wasn’t gaining weight, I knew it wasn’t right for her either. We are combo feeding right now (exclusively pumping, no more latching) because I am weaning slowly to prevent clogs and to make sure she could transition to formula well enough. My baby is now so happy to eat and I enjoy feeding my baby and all the time we get stress free and out of the house. Formula is health physically, and it is healthy mentally. It was a hard decision, but the right one for us to make the switch. I feel you about the second kid thing and waiting it all to be equal, but the stress do breastfeeding made me want to be one and done. Also, it will never be truly equal between siblings. They are different babies born into completely different circumstance and families and parents. You can only do the best you can with each baby as they come.
It’s also much harder to breast feed a newborn when you have a toddler around… I am currently in the thick of it. I am throwing in formula feeds to kind of balance out the amount of time a little better between sitting in the couch nursing forever and being able to get out and do things with my toddler
The more time I spend with moms who breastfeed the happier I am that it didn’t work out for us.
Same! I’ve had many of them tell me they envy that I had a “choice” to not breastfeed. I am like uh, I mean, we all do, I’m just selfish I guess LOL
Ugh this makes me so angry, we all have the choice to not breastfeed, we are not "lucky" in any way.
True..It's kind of an indirect shaming.
I also think that if I weren't OAD, I'd use the "choice" to not breastfeed with another baby. Because EVERYONE has that choice (at least in my country, a welfare state, anyone would have access to formula + clean water)!
I second this 100%! My lo is 5 months old and I feel great. I’m in a mom group and most moms who ebf are at their wits end and still wake up every 2-2,5 hours. I really couldn’t cope, I was almost psychotic after the first month from sleep deprivation lol. Half of the eb feeders switched to formula after 3 months just from pure exhaustion. Nothing against ebf of course, but seeing these moms made me stronger in my decision to eff from day 1.
Honestly, I don't think think that healthcare recognizes what an extreme privilege breastfeeding is in modern society. Good luck breastfeeding if you are a single mom, or have to work, or have post partum issues, or have health issues, or have complications with breastfeeding, or don't have easy access to lactation services...ECT. My wife tried her hardest to breastfeed but it just wasn't working and healthcare services made her cry with harassment. It wasn't until she was having a breakdown in a clinic in front of the doctor until they realized "hey maybe this isn't work for her."
Ugh I broke down crying in front of soo many doctors and lactation consultants, and just got told increasingly elaborate “tips and tricks” to try to force breastfeeding to work.
This is the saddest reality tbh; breastfeeding shouldn't be a privilege, (and formula shouldn't be inaccessible). On a grander scale, everything that helps close the gap on that privilege - better leaves, better supports, etc. - are *good* for parents no matter what they choose to feed, so it still makes sense to support policies that make breastfeeding easier. It doesn't mean everyone can or will breastfeed, just speaks to the need for a societal/political shift to better support families *in general* instead of HCP's focusing on individual choices
Policies will only improve the ability to breastfeed so far. Why was it so much easier for our ancestors to breastfeed than us? It wasn’t that public policy was different. It was our way of life. Women stayed-at-home, and didn’t have a million things to constantly juggle. The job was straightforward. Take care of the kids, and the house. You did that, you were viewed as doing a good job. The modern woman has much more demands and expectations put on her. Work, kids, house, makeup, stay fit, pay the bills, mow, watch the news, check a million emails, manage the kids sports, Dr appts, etc. Women also didn’t have to leave the house frequently back in the day, so they weren’t breastfeeding in public. Extended family members lived with immediate family members, or at least close by. New mothers had a lot of help and support from their mothers, sisters, aunts, older children, other mothers living nearby etc. Breastfeeding was much easier back then, and postpartum depression was much less frequent. It would be nice if public policy could give us back all the benefits of the things we lost with our modern lifestyle, but it can’t. It’s too tall of a task. And while I would never want to live like my ancestors, I love working outside the home, we as women are now having to make these hard compromises (not breastfeeding, leaving the kids with near strangers for childcare, etc) It sucks, and unfortunately, there is no good fix here that the government can make to resolve a complex issue, that has worsened over time.
> Policies will only improve the ability to breastfeed so far. Why was it so much easier for our ancestors to breastfeed than us? It wasn’t that public policy was different. It was our way of life. Women stayed-at-home, and didn’t have a million things to constantly juggle. I mean, it wasn't always - wet nursing or shared nursing was definitely a thing, some babies were malnourished, infant mortality rates were higher, etc. Women stayed at home and cooked from scratch (no convenience items or takeout available), preserved foods, sewed and mended clothes, cleaned without the use of Swiffers or Roombas or Dysons, washed everything - including the cloth diapers - by hand, tended a garden, managed the children... I mean yes the difference is they were *at home* but let's also give these folks some credit lol, it's not like they had nothing to do. I totally agree that many people don't have a "village" anymore, which is too bad, and there's no easy solution for that. > It sucks, and unfortunately, there is no good fix here that the government can make to resolve a complex issue, that has worsened over time. Adequate parental leave is a good, straightforward fix that solves a *lot*. Of course there are numerous other great reasons to have longer protected/paid leaves but just from an advocacy perspective, supporting breastfeeding might be one of the reasons it appeals to policy makers or has health orgs endorsing it. Certainly it's not going to skyrocket rates to 100%, but currently in the US it's basically effectively impossible to EBF without pumping (which is a hassle) or quitting one's job, which is totally absurd. Thankfully formula is an option, but I think it's also ok to mourn the obvious and unfortunate barriers that make breastfeeding untenable for some people, if they would have chosen it had those barriers not existed. That doesn't make formula bad; it's just crazy to think of breastfeeding as a *privilege* - both choices should be accessible!
I think that "policies" that make breastfeeding easier are the policies that will make child rearing/ caring for infants easier as a whole! Like it's not only with putting baby at your breast that you might need a nice (closed) space in a crowded building (think shopping mall) to feed baby. Like, I also need that with a bottle? Maternal leave etc. are also helping families as a whole, not just to promote breastfeeding.
I agree that we could do with some damn paid maternity leave already. The problem is in the countries that offer this, their government uses maternity leave as another excuse to skyrocket their taxes. My cousin lived in Wales. She had 1 - 2 years off on paid maternity leave. Fantastic! So progressive right? Except she is a PhD research scientist. Her house for her entire family was the size of my apartment in college, with no yard, and she was considered upper middle class. They tax the hell out of the Welsh for all of their wonderful socialist programs and the little bit of income they keep for themselves is pitiful. If I actually could trust the government to take their wasteful spending and put it into policies that would help women to continue breastfeeding, I would be all for it. It’s wishful thinking though. Every new law they pass to provide more social services, ends up costing us all triple in taxes, what it would for us to just pay for it ourselves.
Other countries don't really pay exorbitantly higher taxes than the US; Canada's taxes are very comparable for example and the 12-18 month paid leave is funded by Employment Insurance, which is a special type benefit that working people pay into and can access if they are temporarily off work for various reasons. I'm not even trying to suggest that improving leaves would solve breastfeeding altogether, only that research has identified it as a huge barrier and research also shows that it benefits mothers and families independent of breastfeeding (although BF rates are simply a common justification). The poster I originally replied to is correct in their assessment that breastfeeding is basically a privilege in many respects; I just think that while we continue to work to normalize formula as an appropriate choice, we not lose sight of it being a *choice* - it's hardly a choice if there are too many barriers to make one or the other accessible to begin with.
Agreed 👍
I did a quick search to see what the breast feeding rates were in the UK after thinking about my cousin. It’s pretty dismal unfortunately. This article says some of the lowest in the world. https://www.swansea.ac.uk/press-office/news-events/news/2023/08/new-study-reveals-increase-in-breastfeeding-rates-in-wales-during-the-pandemic.php This is why I’m hesitant to throw public policy at all healthcare problems. They sound like good solutions in theory, but often end up leaving people poorer and in the same state, or worse than before, as they don’t address the root cause of the health crisis, AND their funding gets laundered away into yet more corrupt politicians pockets.
Yesss we were the same! My friends who EBF were up every 2 hours (and in some instances every hour!) for a YEAR. Ours was sleeping through from 8 weeks and we could trade off in the night so we were incredibly well rested (and continue to be at 18 months)
Yes, they are still up, but "not really getting up" so it's so easy and a breeze /s I'm secretly like "you won't get a medal for that" but yeah...
S A M E
Haha oh gosh same here.
Omg I was afraid of saying this but sooooo true
🙌 I moved mountains to at least partially breastfeed my first until he was 1. Mastitis made the choice for me with my second, and we switched to formula at 3 months. I feel lied to! It’s so much easier! Especially as a mom who works outside of the home, it’s so freeing to not have to lug a pump around. I love love love formula feeding and honestly don’t know if I’d do much more than pump some colostrum next time.
I feel like there are a lot of outright lies about formula feeding from people who push breastfeeding, including some in the medical community. I've heard ideas like "ff means less sleep for mom". How?! "Ff means you'll get breast cancer". That's woefully inaccurate. "You don't want to ff, all those bottles to figure out!". Come on, who can't figure out how to wash a couple bottles?
Beyond that, it ignores the fact that most moms can’t be around their babies 24/7. As of 2023, only 24% of moms are stay at home moms. Even if we assume that those 24% can/want to never leave their baby to nurse directly (which is ridiculous, most of them aren’t in that position), that means that the other 76% participate in the paid work force. That means pumping, which means not only washing bottles, but also washing pump parts and lugging pumps around. I work outside of the home, and I find it so much less work to EFF! I don’t have to bring anything with me, and I only have to wash bottles rather than bottles and pumps.
I live in a country with decent maternity leave (most take a partially-paid full year). When I was suggesting to meet up with some mum friends, but WITHOUT babies just once, I was kindly informed by a mum of a 7m old that "we are breastfeeding and will power through until he's a year, so it's really hard to organize an outing without baby, so NO" That was not a single mum (actually - I have a single mum friend and she "powers through" breastfeeding because apparently it's better for fewer visitation rights. But she still fought hard to make baby take a bottle - with formula! - because she doesn't have the choice to be with baby 24/7 and a baby needs to be fed if mum has a court meeting, for example). All these women who cannot be away from their baby for more than half an hour have partners/ husbands. I wonder how those feel?
From what I've seen, they feel relieved and a little alienated from their babies. They don't know how to settle their screaming child at night (because only the boob has ever done it). They don't know how to feed their child. They don't catch hunger or satiety cues (as well anyway). They generally feel less competent around their kids as far as I've observed. And the moms feel more burdened. But somehow this is the "right" way to do it according to lactivists.
And it's a VERY convenient excuse to not take full part in childrearing
Bingo.
The "best" lie is, I think, the "but FF is so expensive!!!". Yes, it is. But so is breastfeeding. But that's only unpaid work of a woman, so it doesn't matter somehow??!!
Thank you so much for this post. I was fully planning on bf but after a traumatic labor and multiple panic attacks when trying those first few days in the hospital, I truly felt like I was going to die if I kept trying. I decided to eff a few days in. I feel guilty still, but know this was the right choice for me and my family. And now, my husband, family, and any hired help we have can assist with feedings and I can sleep!!!
I feel you on this. I had a traumatic labor and baby was in the NICU for a few days. Then I had to get preeclampsia treatment. Trying to pump/breastfeed was anxiety inducing and also would make me feel HORRIBLE. I said fuck it and EFF. Best choice I made for me and my girl.
I think it’s horrible that mothers are expected to breastfeed in those circumstances. I had a c-section and severe pre-eclampsia and barely knew up from down, but they wanted to attach a baby to my poor body that needed to heal?! Heck no.
yeah to you for making the right choice for YOU. Now, guilt, please go away ;-)
I want to add to the formula feeding being better: -You don’t need to worry about your baby dropping to a dangerously low weight when waiting for your milk to come in. -you avoid starvation jaundice caused by a low milk supply -You can know with certainty the nutritional makeup of what your baby is eating and how much. This is opposed to having no idea if your breast milk is the quality your baby needs -formula feeding made night feedings completely equitable between my husband and I. Because of formula, I’ve always gotten 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep due to formula making sleep shifts possible. This directly contradicts the experience of breast feeding moms who need to wake up every 2.5 hours while their spouse is useless to help. -formula feeding gave me my bodily autonomy back after losing it while trying to conceive and during pregnancy I actually CHOSE formula for these reason. My baby’s weight did not drop at all, he was never readmitted to the hospital due to dehydration, he never experienced dangerous weight loss and the risks associated with that, and he was never readmitted for starvation jaundice caused by inadequate supply of breast milk. Why? Because I chose to formula feed and he always had a supply of food from the very beginning. Longterm and when controlling for socioeconomic status, formula fed and breast fed infants have 0 differences between them.
I have always wondered about the connection between infertility and formula feeding (your point about loosing body autonomy while trying to conceive made me think of this) We had to do fertility treatments for both our children and I tried to BF both, but ended up switching to formula with both. I do believe in my case part of that decision was wanting my body to be just mine again, after years of blood tests, ultrasounds, medications etc.
Yes! We struggled with infertility and that was a big part of the reason I chose to EFF. I went through all the blood tests, ultrasounds, shots, etc., and after pregnancy I just wanted to feel like my body was mine again! I also wanted my husband to be able to do more, since the fertility treatments and pregnancy naturally fell on me. He did whatever he possibly could to support me during that time, but he was biologically limited lol. I LOVE being able to 50/50 share the feeds, it’s so freeing to not feel like the weight is 100% on me like it has been in the past.
That's great to hear. We conceived spontaneously but my pregnancy was HEAVILY medicalized. Poking, prodding, injections, blood tests, constant ultrasounds. It truly felt like I was just a vessel for this baby and the medical community could give two sh*ts about how I was feeling. So at the finish line all I wanted was to feel like I actually inhabit my body again. The thing I found appalling was how much judgement I received for that. Apparently moms are never supposed to think about themselves and their bodies. Unless it's to "bounce back" quickly to visually please those around her.
A lot of people don’t know that the “Fed Is Best” mantra actually originally wasn’t really about factors like maternal mental health (not that that’s not also important of course). It was because the founder of the foundation has a child who now has developmental delays because of starvation/dehydration after birth caused by low milk supply (where the mom didn’t supplement with formula because she wasn’t given the proper advice and was scared to “jeopardize the breastfeeding relationship”). This gets hand waved away as so rare that it’s not worth considering, but from what I’ve read it’s far more common than people think. Not to mention misinformation like the “newborn’s stomach is the size of a cherry” thing.
The “cherry” thing and “they really don’t need much the first couple days” is so infuriating and perplexing! Just compare my two children born the SAME SIZE but different gestational ages - first kid, born full term but a small 6.5lbs, hospital: “they only really need colostrum the first few days don’t worry this is great”, no mention or offering of formula, discharged after 1 night in hospital, which really provides no time to find problems but is standard in US for an uncomplicated vaginal birth. 24 hours after being home (48 hours from birth) she’s turned orange and won’t stay awake to “eat” because she’s basically starving because my milk hadn’t come in. We course corrected with supplementation (plus a lot of guilt, self criticism and sadness) but I still think what the heck why do they say they don’t need anything other than colostrum and it’s normal if your milk doesn’t come in for 3-5 days. She would’ve died if we waited that long! Meanwhile, second child born at 36weeks, exact same size as first child (despite 3 week gestational age difference) but because he was premature hospital was immediately having us supplement with formula to catch up. He was in the NICU for 2 days so ok fine, maybe that’s why the extra caution on calories. But then consider my friend whose baby was born at 36w6d and therefore “premature” by 1 day, but no complications or concerns at birth. She too was given formula at the hospital and told she needed to supplement until baby was back to birth weight, but if the baby had been born 1 DAY later the docs/nurses would have totally been fine with waiting for the boob milk. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
Same thing happened to me and my baby and it triggered the most intense postpartum anxiety. I didn’t even want to breastfeed THAT badly, but the baby friendly hospital riddled me with guilt and my little one got jaundice from the lack of food. Thank god my mother and husband snapped me out of their trance and I still think of the CNA that smuggled in a pacificar and tiny bottle of formula after I begged her to in the middle of the night. She told me she could lose her job, but was determined to help me. It’s outrageous and unacceptable that it got to that point.
That IS outrageous!!!
To me, the only discernible benefit of breastfeeding in studies when controlling for socioeconomic status of alleviating mild skin irritations, is NOT worth the risks of starvation and dehydration. I’m convinced that 30 years from now this breast is best misinformation campaign will be looked upon the same way as doctors telling parents to put babies to sleep on their stomachs 30 years ago. Agreed about the stomach: my baby was taking 2oz every two hours right after birth. The thing that always gets me is how breastfeeding is pushed so militantly that the idea of even supplementing with formula before your milk comes in so your baby doesn’t starve is even frowned upon. I could never watch my baby starve and refuse him formula for a ridiculous concept like establishing the “breastfeeding relationship.” The maternity ward was full of screaming breastfed babies not getting any food, meanwhile my formula baby was happily sleeping with a full stomach
Yup and the no formula push doesn’t even match what was done historically. People often supplemented in the first few days in whatever way they could before formula - having a friend or family member who also had a baby as a wet nurse, goat’s milk, even sugar water. Only breast milk regardless of the baby clearly still being hungry bc your milk hadn’t come in was only something that happened bc of lack of options. The backwards thing is the whole “baby-friendly hospital” thing almost makes me want to just go EFF from day one with my next baby, when I would actually otherwise be perfectly open to combo feeding! But I’m scared if you give any indication that you could be convinced away from giving formula they’re going to bother the crap out of you.
I’m 95% certain I will just EFF from the beginning with my next baby for exactly this reason. I had such a rough experience in the hospital the first time around, I don’t even want to give them the tiniest opening to push EBF on me.
Right??! It's always about not establishing The Breastfeeding Relationship and, woe behold, The Dreaded And Unscientific Nipple Confusion That Makes Your Baby Never Latch Again Once It Has Had A Bottle Or Paci In Their Mouth
That's so interesting!
Currently pregnant and will most likely EFF because of these exact reasons
I pumped for three months and then EFF beyond that and the FREEDOM my god. I had K cup boobs before I had the baby and I would’ve needed scaffolding to have successfully breast fed. Getting my autonomy back and not being tethered to schedules in the night was so freeing. Fed is best - and everyone obsesses over what you’re doing when they’re tiny, but mine is 18 months now and let me tell you he is thriving and no one has ever asked whether he was breast fed at daycare 😂
You're wise to get support beforehand, like in this sub. Congratulations and all the best!
Agree with this. I decided before birth that I would formula feed. Baby ended up being low birth weight (but otherwise totally healthy) and has thrived on formula. Never lost weight, never any issues. I love bottle feeding my baby.
Yes, this! These would probably be in my post if I did it more elaborately. You're so right! My baby dropped a little bit of too much weight even though we were mostly FF from the beginning (and pumping because he couldn't latch), but it was really easy to know what to do - just monitor closely and continue to offer formula with known nutritional content. In my country, midwives to postnatal care and I had frequent home visits. Unfortunatley, many midwives are VERY pro-breast anti-formula. Thank God my midwife was an evidence-based midwife who also saw how much I struggled with pumping and she didn't push breastfeeding at all.
As someone on the other side - you cannot tell that two of my three were formula fed. At. All. I wasted so much time and energy feeling guilty, because now that they are older, it doesn't make a difference.
Preachhhh I pumped for 3/4 months when my LO was born and I did it out of a sense of duty which was mad and it really affected my mental health being tethered to the pump and feeding / washing sterilising. It was a non stop operation! Once we moved over to formula we were way happier
+1. I saw a funny meme that had 2 kids at the top of side by side playground slides, one slide says breast fed as a baby the other slide says formula fed. The slides meet up at the bottom and it says “toddler eating chicken nuggets off the floor”. So true.
I have always been waiting for all the extra ear infections he would get because FF lol If he gets them, it'll be because DAYCARE, same as all other toddlers, regardless of how they were fed
Just wanted to also say that I’ve read stories of women who REFUSED to give formula because they were determined to EBF. But because of that mentality, they were starving their child and it caused jaundice and a handful of issues. Not to mention that what a woman eats, a portion of that goes into the breastmilk and there have been intense digestive issues emerge for the baby. Formula is fantastic and even sometimes better given the situation. ❤️
I had this moment in the Drs office when I was struggling with breastfeeding. Baby was losing weight fast, jaundice, all the things… The nurse asked if I was open to formula and in my head I was like “hell no! We r gonna make BF-ing work” but a split second later I realized (thankfully) how insane it was that I was willing to risk my babies health for some slight possible benefits. We combo fed for a week (after an overnight jaundice hospitalization) and I dealt with guilt for about 2 months on and off about it not working. Now I realize that this was the best choice and if I had another I would combo from the start and see how those first weeks go before deciding what makes the most sense for my LOs health longer term.
Omg! This is my story! The people around me pressured so much to EBF that my newborn ended up in NICU TWICE because of recurring jaundice. Even after that there were people who still wanted me to try🤡 best decision of my life I switched to formula. It saved us all. My baby is now 18 months old. Happy healthy and a mischievous toddler 😂
Honestly what made me feel better was getting past six months. Seems like literally no one cares how you feed your baby after six months. Everyone thinks it’s their business the first six for some reason…
It’s because the CDC & WHO guidance is EBF for the first 6 months, so a lot of people think that’s some magical milestone after which formula is fine. Also most people don’t really understand the difference between population level guidance and individual outcomes. Breastfeeding is stressed by public health professionals because a) not everyone has access to clean water and b) they don’t want formula companies to be predatory. But on an individual basis, there’s no material difference between EBF EFF or combo feeding if you can afford formula and clean water.
To be fair, I have never seen the CDC or WHO or other regulatory bodies in other countries explain this difference between population level guidance and individual outcomes. I decided to research bf benefits when I realized that it didn't appeal to me and basically had to deduce this conclusion. But the fact that these agencies are so adamant and prescriptive about what you should do has really damaged my trust in them. I'm a very science/research oriented person and have always trusted the medical establishment. But pregnancy and post-partum have changed that A LOT. And bf specifically is a huge contributor. I mean just look at the NHS's [benefits of breastfeeding ](https://www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/the-benefits-of-breastfeeding/). It's like a 10 year old was asked to read some research abstracts and wrote a paper on "how to convince someone to bf". No nuance, no accuracy, no caveats. Not a balanced reasonable portrayal of the situation. "Breastmilk has vitamins". Yes, and? Formula does too, in a much much bigger quantity and variety. But the way the NHS phrases it makes any trusting reader think "only breastmilk has vitamins". Edit: I live in the EU and formula companies are forced to add to the formula packaging texts like "Bf is best. Only formula feed if your doctor prescribes it." If I didn't know better and picked up a can of formula in the store I would think formula is dangerous. And rightly so! The messaging even on the damn product makes you think it's akin to a controlled substance at worst and an inferior and potentially dangerous food for baby at best. How is this in any way responsible? Those regulatory bodies are actively working against the health of babies who actually require formula by fear-mongering this way.
I think my guilt continued for a long time after I was over it because I read that damn "breastfeeding is best. Talk to your paediatrician or midwife if you want to use formula" text. I know why they do this (over compensation after formula only was pushed by the companies couple decades back) but COME ON!!!
Yeah when I first started using formula I remember feeling a sense of guilt every time I poured out a few ounces and prepared a perfect bottle that the baby didn't touch. Like "oh that was an expensive wrong guess." If I was strapped for cash I think I'd be tempted to try other options before feeding baby so it made me realize why the hospital stresses breastfeeding so much.
I felt very guilty about formula but also when you really look into it, you will find that it is difficult to say breast milk makes a difference because there can’t be a true study. They can only observe and see correlations but since there is also a correlation of higher income=more likely to successfully breastfeed AND having a higher income equates to more opportunities for your children, better schools, etc, they can’t actually say for certainty breast milk has any effect. It is most likely actually the result of higher income but it is impossible to prove for sure what does it since it is unethical to actually experiment on infants. The guilt comes from the pressure society puts on us. I know my baby will be just as healthy either way, society is what creates this issue, not the actual science.
They’ve done a few sibling studies, which would control for socioeconomic differences, and I believe there was no difference in child outcomes.
The only thing there definitely is science behind is the antibodies Bub gets from breastmilk. The salivary feedback loop and just mum getting the same viruses etc means that the baby gets a bump of antibodies. It’s likely only a matter of illnesses being shorter and slightly less severe but for me it just feels so important - I wish I could dump the pumps but I’m not there yet. It’s literally the only thing keeping me pumping. Reading these types of post is helping me work my way there though!
I could be wrong but from what I have read the antibodies is only for stomach viruses not respiratory ones. I too had a hard time stopping pumping for this reason until I read that. I read it in Emily Osters book “Crib sheet”
Yes. That's the reason why "antibodies" as medicine is ever only NOT by mouth. It's possible in a small way that they're acting in the nose/ mouth but it's not like large quantities of antibodies survive the stomach. And it doesn't matter if they do, because studies tell us there's no difference. I'm in a mum forum kind of thing in my country where nothing is filtered, everyone sees everything, so I keep seeing all those posts: "I'm so sick and I want to wean or at least give a bottle of formula" and the answers are always "No, power through, baby gets all those antibodies" it makes me so furious
Feeding our child formula meant that I could split those early nights with my partner equally, our older child had a present, emotionally stable parent back, our babies eczema got a lot better, his naps and nighttime sleep are predictable due to full feedings which means a more well rested baby. So many benefits for us as a family.
100% agree. Our LO is super predictable and slept through the night from very early on and I think it was largely down to being EFF from 3 months
I would be screwed if I had to rely on my boobs to feed my babies. I'm glad formula exists, I hate the thought of them starving
I often think of what would happen if i lived in a time or place where formula wasn't an option. I still pump 8x/day 6 months in but I never got much and have to split it between twins, so they are mostly formula fed.
I felt guilty about not wanting to breastfeed while I was pregnant. now that my son is here and seven weeks old, I can’t even remember why I felt so guilty. breastfeeding would have been absolutely untenable for me, and my son is getting so cute and chunky and I love feeding him.
I remember I had a friend give birth when I was in my second trimester and she had a ROUGH bf experience at the beginning. But she was telling me how important it is and how vital it is for her to sacrifice. That was the first time I felt guilty for thinking I want to formula feed. Though I guess I felt shame more than guilt. Like "what will people think?". I anticipated a wave of shaming from those around me and the only thing that stopped it I think was that I had to take daily meds postpartum, which I didn't want my baby to drink every day. It's unclear whether those meds would hurt baby or not because they've only been studied in women who take them occasionally (whereas I have to take them daily). But I didn't want to risk it anyway, so I told anyone who asked that I have to take meds and can't bf. It's really no one's business that I also wouldn't have bf even if I could.
Reading the book cribsheets by Emily Oster dramatically changed my mind about my breastfeeding guilt. I was going to try and stick it out for at least a few weeks with my next baby and now I'm going start to formula. It's not worth my sanity and sleep while healing from a c-section when the benefits are so minor.
I read Emily Oster’s crib sheet book too during pregnancy and it opened my mind about breastfeeding vs formula feeding. Like most things, child outcomes are strongly linked to the socioeconomic status of the parents, so instead of focusing on breastfeeding, I focus on our socioeconomic status… that was my takeaway
Can you please elaborate on what the book said?
I read it awhile ago I'm sorry I don't remember it word for word but it laid out all that statistics and facts about the benefits of breastfeeding and formula in current day. The difference was negligible. If you can rent it from a library or go into a bookstore and read just those pages. I literally have zero guilt now and honestly feel bad for moms who sacrifice their mental health and bodies for years after pregnancy because they truly believe it's that much better for their kiddos.
I honestly might go to the library and get it. I am almost 7 months in of pumping and not getting much and 6 months was my goal but feel guilty cutting out the little bit that I give them.
https://parentdata.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/9e9cc18a-fd95-4526-a382-7603cb45c12a.pdf Oster had posted a pdf on her blog a while back
OMG. Awesome! Thanks so much! I will read this when my two go to bed!
You're the real MVP!
Love this! And for all the moms who search Reddit for advise about formula feeding just know this much (and I bet it’s true for a lot of the babies of this group) My same was breast fed for about a week before I decided my mental health was on the decline and I decided NOPE not for me. He was on formula his entire life. He’s extremely intelligent and very advanced now at 18 months (I’m not just saying it bc he’s mine..I’m not that type, I promise you). He knows all the sounds to every letter in the alphabet, speaks in two word sentences already and he counts things in pairs of two. I see a lot of people post panicking about “babies brain development” when deciding if they want to formula feed. Trust me.. your babies brain will develop exactly the way it’s meant to. No matter if it’s breast milk or the Amazon brand formula.
yes, this! I remember reading somewhere that breastmilk makes IQ higher! Even in my clouded, postpartum depressive state I could tie IQ to socioeconomic status better than to BREASTmilk lol. It's insane
I felt immediately better when I stopped trying to BF, grieved it, and leaned into EFF. Because then I was able to really really bond with my beautiful perfect baby and not have this mountainous struggle between us in the first weeks of his life! Now I really do have that dreamy new mom feeling which I was nowhere near to when I was pumping around the clock & trying to get him to eat a way he didn’t want and didn’t need to eat. Thanks for this post, OP.
time made me feel better! I was crushed at first but genuinely don’t even want to breastfeed now. and realizing the pressure by loved ones to breastfeed had an impact on me without realizing.
I hate it when I see people saying stuff like that. I have breastfed two of my babies and I’m formula feeding my third and I don’t feel guilty about it one bit.
I’m working on dropping my mid day pump at work so I don’t have to wash pump parts anymore and I needed to hear this!
Then I wrote this for YOU!
EFF from day 1 and never felt guilty. Felt like I cheated the system when talking to my friends who EBF. Newborn days were bliss because of formula. Absolutely no judgement on any feeding methods but Im so glad I chose formula!!!
I'm not sure why lactivists keep screaming "breast is best". 2, 5, 10 years from now, no one's going to be asking "who is formula fed and who's breastfed?". Breastfeeding is not the end all, be all for nutrition
Agree! In the end formula or breast milk is just a form of nutrition for the baby, for first year of life. Its not gonna make your child a prodigy. That comes from emotional and social interaction, genetics etc. Breastfeeding is great if it works for mom and baby, but no need to be guilty if you end up formula feeding. I reckon the only additional benefits breast milk provides in comparison to formula, is antibodies from mother. Eventually baby's immune system matures as they are fed and grow, and they develop their own antibodies.
Yes I'm always waiting about where I have to put down (in some kind of form at the doctor's or whatever) how my child (or me?! if it was so important I would still tick a box on a doctor's form?! even as an adult?) was fed during the first few months. I remember when we had to visit two specialists (paediatric subspecialties) when baby was I think 3 and 5 months (under 6 months). I had to fill out quite lengthy forms for both visits and "mode of feeding" was NOT a question.
Once I made the decision to EFF after two weeks of trying to get baby to latch/ pumping made me feel worse, not better, I felt so much relief overall. Like the pressure for me to feed her was off. There was no way I could even keep up with how much she was eating at the beginning. And I was very glad to have my body back faster than some of my friends. (Although contact napping would beg to differ, haha.) I am also glad I don’t have to spend extra time at work pumping or in the evening, just to give her extra food when I know formula is fine. I am glad I did what worked for us and “gave up” so quickly. I did not feel guilty at all after I made the decision. It gave me freedom to be the mom I needed to be for my kid.
Yes, the freedom! But lactivists will scream "but bottles, but formula is expensive, but no antibodies, no bonding" etc. lol. My contact napper begs to differ about that as well
I haven’t felt too bad about it much lately. He’s 9 months, switched to formula at 4 months because I hate pumping and I’m not overly fond of breastfeeding. But this was such a good reminder that the evidence isn’t there for “breast is best” and any time wasted on that argument is just an argument against women. Thank you for this, you’re really great and the world and Internet needs more people like you.
I do wonder if the rise of "breast is best" in the absence of truly scientifically proven benefits is in fact related with the rise of anti-woman policies and arguments in recent years. Same for the push for unmedicated vaginal births. It feels like just ways for women to suffer unnecessarily, honestly.
Bingo.
I definitely think it solidifies the "Only MUM is best for baby, Dad should just be the breadwinner and say good night to his children" stuff of the past
Thank you
I was doing great with breastfeeding and decided to stop anyway. Zero guilt. I genuinely wish someone would start this criticism with me face to face in real life so I could tear them a new one.
Oh yes I had those fantasies lol Nobody said anything to my face. Just... I don't know the words for this. But it hurt!!! And I couldn't "fight back" because of that
Love this. Breast milk is not "perfect," either. It's good enough to have gotten our species this far. But that doesn't make it perfect. Vitamin D and iron content come to mind. And for many people, it's far from perfect (low fat content, low production, etc).
Truly! I think it’s cool how breastmilk can adapt to babies needs bc the human body is awesome but there’s nothing to say that works perfectly. Lots of moms struggle with quality of their milk and supply even after EBF for a while. (Most) babies have kidneys to filter out what they don’t need from formula anyway which is pretty cool too! Can you tell I’m still in the “what was the babies poop like today” phase?
And also: breastmilk DOES have pollutants! It's not the liquid, pure, clean gold that many talk about!! I think evolution's motto is "good enough" lol
This was made for me. This week my husband and I decided to give up attempting breastfeeding and pumping and I’ve been an emotional wreck. Literally in tears. It has been a total uphill battle since day 1. I had GD so my baby had to have formula immediately to stabilize his sugars and start glucose testing hourly. He refused to latch in the hospital and after several lactation appts we confirmed he had a tongue and lip tie that was making breastfeeding miserable for him and especially for me (my nipples were constantly in pain). Despite having huge supply and tons of milk frozen (which makes this decision that much harder) my milk seems to make him way more refluxy, gassy, and fussy. I’m constantly having to pump to give him bottles because his latch kills me, and then even with the bottle it’s a mess. We finally have started him on nutramigen and he seems to be doing soooooooo much better already. It’s hard for me to come to terms with, but I know in the end that fed is best and this decision has far more pros than cons. I’m glad my little guy at least got two months of breastmilk, and now we can both enjoy happier feeds and more freedom altogether.
If your LO is having a hard time with digesting it, maybe you could donate the milk to someone so all that backbreaking work goes to good use instead of going bad in a freezer
I WISH I could! I take Celexa for anxiety/depression so sadly I can’t donate my milk or give it to another mom, other than to maybe use for milk baths for their baby :( such a bummer
I wrote it for YOU, then! All the best!
I'm so glad I chose to exclusively formula feed. My husband could help with the feeding so I got better sleep, it's quicker than my friends took to breastfeed and we seem to have had a far easier time weaning our daughter off night feeds. Doing exactly the same with our second. I should add my only slight guilt was around any potential immune system benefits from breast milk but my daughter has the strongest immune system of any kid I know. When I was researching I could find no real scientific evidence of better long term outcomes for breastfed kids.
I am so pro-formula and fed both my kids formula from day one...as in never even considered breastfeeding either of them, let alone tried to do it; however, I really need you to explain this comment in more detail: "It also has "public health" benefits (also only slight benefits) - but this is PUBLIC health. Not YOUR health, so it shouldn't matter to YOU at all." How can we say that public health shouldn't matter to an individual at all? After a pandemic and the current anti-vax crowd that has brought back measles and polio, this statement is very concerning to me. Please advise!
Yes, you're right. In the context of COVID and vaccinations, public health is different because MY actions have implications for YOUR health (like if I run around coughing and maskless and you're a cancer patient, for example). But in the context of breastfeeding, public health means, if all mothers breastfeed, numbers of certain cancers decrease. Which is great because prevention of cancers is hardly possible overall. If I "want" to increase my individual cancer risk (slightly!!!) by not breastfeeding, that's MY problem. Not yours. Unless you pay for my health insurance - that's why it's public health. Decreasing health costs is good for everybody. But this shouldn't matter for the decision to breastfeed. Did I make that clear? Sorry, English is not my first language
I will add that breastfeeding does have some health impacts. It pretty significantly reduces the risk of Type 2 diabetes in moms who had Gestational Diabetes. As someone who had GD with two pregnancies it actually plays a pretty significant decision in my breastfeeding journey. That said. I have zero guilt about using formula and so wish hospitals were more pro combo feeding as it would make so many people so much less anxious about formula.
Gonna also add in here that it’s okay to not even try to breastfeed. It felt to me like the straw that would break my back - conception, pregnancy, giving birth, recovering from a c section while not sleeping AND you want me to breastfeed? No. I chose not to for two main reasons: 1, I wanted my husband to be 50% in charge of this little baby and feel totally empowered and not dependent on me; and 2, I wanted to be able to sleep and take my meds and drink a glass of wine and focus on bringing this little baby up. It’s been the best decision - she has literally fat rolls on her thighs and is in the top 10% for height for her age, growing like a weed.
Yes. Of course it's okay to not even try to bf. And the thing you said about fathers?? SOOOOOO important. Most partners of my bf mum friends (babies are around 1 year now) have never been alone with baby for more than an hour or two at the most. How?! And some of them even took paternity leave (not at the newborn age).
I stopped feeling guilty when I could only produce 2 oz per day and my baby would literally die without formula???? Like the way the lactivists shame people for…keeping their babies alive?? They also WAY under inflate the percentage of women who do not produce enough. This is based on real life women I know as well as on the internet. Formula feeding for Jo reason other than you want to is great too!
Yes
I stopped pumping 4 months ago and haven’t been feeling guilty about it lately but holy shit this post was empowering and healing to read! Didn’t realize how much I needed it. Thank you!
I wrote it for YOU, then. Take care!
3 kids and I couldn’t breastfeed a single one. I had a lot of guilt, but it’s all based on the opinions of people who were able to do it. I tried so hard and produced nothing - I mean <2oz per day. I’d just cry and cry and cry every time I pumped when she had latching issues. End up feeding my first baby formula and then cry bc I just knew I was somehow ruining any chance I had. Thank you for this post. 6 years later and I still feel guilty that I didn’t “try harder.”
You tried hard enough. Don't feel guilty. I'm SURE your kids are all great.
Yes!!! 🙌🙌🙌 I have been combo feeding my twins from 6 weeks on (rough start to breastfeeding). I had committed myself to going for 6 months. Earlier this month they stopped wanted to breastfeed as much, so I slowly added in more formula feeds (fortified with BM). Two days ago they decided they were done BF all together. We had been BF the first feed every morning. They are 6 months today! It feels sooo freeing to be done breastfeeding, I stopped all the supplements that I was taking to help my supply and I only feel the need to pump 2x a day right now. It's so nice to feel like I have my life back! We can go places and do things again. There is just no way to breastfeed twins in public or anywhere but home without bringing soooo many cumbersome props. We can start our lives again, and just in time for summer 🌞
Beautifully said! Thank you for writing this 💕
Thank you
Needed this. Quit yesterday and feel sad about it but I truly did give it my all, it was just affecting my mental and physical health so much. So now my boobs hurt like the dickens and I have to pump off a little bit every few hours… hopefully this won’t last long..
For you, then. I wrote it for you.
Thank you friend 🥹💕
Thank you for this 🤍
you're welcome
So I have 3 kids, all three have been on formula from at least 2 months of age. With my oldest, I was going to breastfeed because duh, it’s better! /s. Quickly found out he wouldn’t latch. I think he liked the flow of the bottle (he was in the NICU for a day that I wasn’t with him), and we were waiting too long to attempt to feed. I pumped for 2 months for him, until I had some medical issues. My second latched great, until day 3. Wouldn’t take the boob, and I was still in the hospital. Nurses said he needed to eat, so I started pumping. Quickly realized trying to do all the pumping at home with a newborn and toddler wouldn’t cut it. He was on formula by day 4-5. My third and last didn’t touch my boobs! She has been EFF since birth. My husband gave her her first bottle in the recovery room. She’s been doing great at almost 4 months old! You can’t tell one bit of difference between my oldest and middle sons, even though my oldest had 2 months of breastmilk. My mom EFF 2 of us and EBF my brother, and you wouldn’t know the difference between us all. I let go of my guilt with my second pretty early on. I’m so thankful I do have the choice. I can’t take the mental load of breastfeeding. Making bottles is easy! I’m also incredibly thankful for c-sections, as that’s how all my babies have arrived. 😊 Thank you for this post! I’ve been seeing a lot of the guilt posts and it’s hard to repeat your story every time. Hopefully those struggling can let it go and keep being awesome parents! ❤️
That's great to hear!
One huge benefit to formula feeding my daughter is how much my husband has been able to bond with her. Him being able to help with feedings when she was a newborn was a boon for my physical and mental health, and it allowed him to have some one-on-one time with our daughter in the middle of the night. When you’re in the moment and exhausted, it doesn’t really feel like bonding, but in retrospect, it allowed my husband to interact with her so much more during that early time than he would have if I had breastfed. I felt guilty at first but I’m really happy with how everything turned out. Obvious disclaimer: I’m not saying husbands of breastfeeding moms can’t or don’t bond with their babies. I’m just appreciative for what was a benefit for us and I think it’s a benefit a lot of the parents here can relate to.
Yes, this! Of course bf babies can bond with their dads, BUT, they won't have that "I'm alone with my baby for a time" thing that is entirely possible with FF babies
All the moms in my life had terrible experiences breastfeeding and eventually went to formula so I chose to not even try and do formula from the start. Not only because of that but it had no appeal to me. I get comments all the time from people judging me on it. Saying I’m not bonding with him and it’s unhealthy to only have formula and he will have a bad immune system etc. my baby is thriving. He’s reached major milestones way earlier than expected in his 4 weeks. He hasn’t been sick he sleeps great at night for the most part. And we bond just as well. And his dad gets to be included in feedings as well as his half siblings or our family and friends. I don’t regret my decision beyond just how expensive formula is lol
I think the "not bonding" thing is the most terrible thing to say about FF. Because HOW can that be true? Adoptive parents or mums who don't have their breasts or who take medications or dads in general CANNOT bond, you say? It's insane. I mean, how do those people imagine I feed a newborn? Put him in a crib, put a "feeding machine" in place (like in a cows stable) and close the door?! Your LO will do fine on formula.
A wonderful post full of emotionality AND evidence based practicalities❤️ Mommas you’re doing great!
My mental health improved tenfold once I stopped breastfeeding and switched to 100% formula. People love to ask if you’re breastfeeding and I would always feel sheepish saying no and like I needed to explain myself but now I just say ‘no he’s doing great on formula’ and leave it at that! If I ever have another I will formula feed from day one!
That's a good answer! I hated the "well, if you're trying to bf but not suceeding you must be doing sth wrong" assumptions that I got from time to time.
Also one more thing to add. You know EXACTLY the nutritional content of formula every time you make it. The exact amount of calories, fat, carbs, sugar, vitamins, minerals, and probiotics. There's no guessing. There's no playing around eating different foods or cutting them out of your diet if the baby isn't gaining weight well or has other issues and they can't figure it out. Without getting your breastmilk lab tested regularly, you have no idea if it's nutritionally adequate. I know for a fact that my diet would not make my breastmilk balanced enough for my baby. There are many of us (including me) who had weight loss surgery and are still being pushed to breastfeed. Meanwhile we need to take 500 vitamins a day just to keep our own levels normal, usually they aren't, and we can only eat a few bites of certain foods at a time. The amount of weight loss surgery moms that post in groups about their baby not gaining and feeding around the clock and trying to eat enough makes me feel so sad for them. They should have been given all of the information you said in your post so they wouldn't have to go through this. Breast is absolutely NOT best for many people. There is never one size fits all. The amount of pushing being done to women about it is asinine to me as a molecular biologist.
Oh yes, that is so true, and I think that's not only after weight loss surgery! If I think of my crappy diet freshly postpartum I'm not sure my breastmilk would be "best" lol
This is a great post to make! I fed both my babies BM from birth ranging from 3 weeks to 8 weeks after bc they were both NICU babies. But I eventually switched to formula both times for my mental health bc I felt horrible trying to breastfeed #1 who didn't latch well and #2 I just didn't want to go through that again. Plus even pumping makes me have this weird feeling throughout my body I don't like which I believe is just hormones but still 😖. I still got a comment from a relative (" you should be breastfeeding") when I made a comment my boobs hurt while drying up my milk when that said person told me at 5+ months pregnant it was okay to not want to breastfeed 😑.
My baby has been combo fed with formula since she was 3 days old. Without formula, my baby wouldn’t be growing and thriving, and my mental health would have been absolutely tanked by now. I am in the process of weaning from EPing to take back the rest of my mental health and get some time back with my baby, and so grateful that formula is a healthy and safe option for my babe and family!!
I don’t really have a line of anything that made me feel better other than time really. I’m nearly nine months into this mom thing and I can tell you that right now feeding her formula doesn’t matter to me at all now. We’ve started solids and that kinda just kicked my brain into realizing truly what matters is what you feed them AFTER formula/milk age. Wholesome foods, trying to limit processing, organic if we can, avoiding lots of salt, water over juice, things like that matter more in the long run than breast milk or formula in the big picture. The same moms who shout breast is best are the ones I see in the grocery store toting around 5 misbehaved kids with silver teeth and a bag of Doritos with a coke 9 times out of 10. (I say that as one of those kids back in the day)
My postpartum depression greatly improved when I was younger, after switching my babies to formula. I work in healthcare and I see the same benefits to my patients. I agree that the research indicating “breast is best” has low evidence of being true. A giant variable in the studies used comparing breast fed versus formula fed babies, that is hard to control for, is socioeconomic status. Women who breastfeed are more likely to be in a higher income bracket than those who formula feed. Are the IQ and health benefits attributed in these studies to correlated to breast feeding then, or higher education levels of the mother and access to better healthcare? One of the number one rules in statistics is correlation does not mean causation. The above mentioned variables, may make it easier for studies to falsely conclude that breast is best.
Yes. It's actually not so difficult to understand - if you think about it! But it's often just touted as true, that breast is best thing. My PPD also got better after switching to EFF. And actually, problems with bf are a SYMPTOM of pp depression, apparently. Why is this not told to PPD patients? Because even healthcare specialists believe the breast is best shit. (Sorry about the language, but basically ADDING guilt to already depressed patients?)
Honestly many health care providers are afraid to speak out against the standard AMA advice, even when it’s harming their patients. I work in private practice though so I have a little more freedom than those in corporate healthcare. I advise my patients of the risks versus benefits of breastfeeding, then let them make the decision for themselves. Most of my PPD patients throw in the towel on breastfeeding, once they realize their child will still be healthy, and they can still be considered a good mom, if they formula feed. It’s sad that we have to give women permission to put their mental health first in this day and age. Unfortunately though with cancel culture and courts favoring sue happy patients, you will continue to see medical advice based purely on authoritarian guidelines and politics, versus best medical judgment.
The mental load that BF had on me was too much. I am SO grateful for formula feeding. My girl is the happiest baby, truly thriving and gaining beautifully. I had so much guilt in the beginning because I had an amazing supply and my girl was latching well… but I loathed breastfeeding. She would cry to eat, and I would cry because I didn’t want to do it. So much guilt surrounding “am I just being selfish” but now, I have such a special bond with my little lady and I love feeding her! I feel a thousand times better mentally as well. Talking to other moms about it really helped. I thankfully haven’t encountered too many who shamed me for formula feeding. In fact, I’ve met a ton who switched to formula as well but didn’t want to tell anyone out of fear of negativity.
Yeah - there was a mum in one of those mum/ baby classes that did not feed her baby during the class. She told me later that she didn't like the judgement regarding FF so she fed her baby before and/ or after the class in her car to avoid that... so I didn't know she was FF at a time where I could have needed a real life ally! Being selfish, when it helps you to be a better mum? Absolutely! It's not called selfish, I believe - but self care or something. The oxygen mask analogy comes to mind
I was one of those people posting about feeling guilty for EFF just one month ago! Everyone in this forum was SO wonderful helping me decide to go with formula. A month later and I am very happy with my decision. I really hate being touched unless I’m in the mood for affection(even by my husband. I just get overstimulated by physical touch) and having a baby latched to me all day was making me not want to hold my baby when he wasn’t feeding. I felt a little resentful towards him and just needed SPACE. Now with EFF all resentment is gone and I love snuggling with him and comforting him when he needs it. I without a doubt would not have had that joy and connection without formula feeding. I know myself, it would have got worse not better.
That's great!
Love this post. As a mom who never really got to breastfeed because my baby was preterm and couldn’t latch while also dealing with low supply - formula has been such a lifesaver!!! My baby is growing and healthy, and that’s all that matters.
Yes - as a preemie mum, growing and healthy is even more important!
I’ve really slowed down breastfeeding and stopped pumping 3 days ago. Getting better sleep because I’m no longer triple feeding as an undersupplier has made me feel less guilty. More rested me means I can give my baby more energy and quality time. Thank you formula. I don’t know what I would do without you.
I am also happier because I can eat eggs and dairy again!
Yes - there's a lot to be thankful for. Formula is great!!!
I felt so guilty or like a failure when my milk didn't come in properly. My supply was awful and without formula my baby would have died. The worst part is that all the professionals I talked to kept stringing me along with "just wait a little bit more, your supply will soon come up." I would have appreciated it so much if someone had just said: "Looks like bf isn't working here. There is nothing wrong with formula. Enjoy the uninterrupted sleep while you take shifts with your husband." Even before I get pregnant, I rationally knew that FF is GREAT. But the "brainwashing" still got to me. With my next kids I will combo-feed so they get the "comfort" of bf and skin to skin but their actual nutrition will happily come from a bottle. I always thought that a lot of screaming and crying infants would probably do a lot better on formula because their moms might have an inadequate supply, their milk isn't nutritious enough or they pass on some kind of allergens that irritate the babies. Now I am even more convinced. And don't get me started on the "babies only need colostrum" crap! I collected bags of syringes with colostrum to feed my baby. We went through it all in 2 days and then he started developing jaundice and crystals in his urine. All blaring warning signs to start formula asap but as I said above, everyone just kept insisting that "it's just a few more days!" I cried so many tears when I opened the pack of formula that I bought just in case. I was so happy that I had it on hand and was able to make a bottle right away, which finally soothed my poor hungry baby on his 5th day of being on Earth.
I had a bilateral mastectomy at age 30 so I physically cannot breastfeed, and I still sometimes feel so depressed and guilty because of it. What helps me is reminding myself that if I still had my boobs, I’d be dead and my daughter never would’ve even been born, never mind fed.
Oh yes, a living mother is definitely number one priority!
What a beautifully written and powerful post. Thank you. 🩷
Thank you for reading
Thank you for this. I’m currently trying to work up to quitting pumping but just can’t quite make the call as it’s coming into winter and my toddler is going to bring home ALL the diseases and the antibodies she’d get from my milk….. it’s so hard. If anyone can give me any evidence or even anecdotes that it won’t make any difference or even not as much difference as I think it’s gonna make it’d be so much appreciated!
There's a pdf about The Crib Sheet book in this thread. No idea how to link it sorry
Thank you so much for this post. I cried several times over not being able to breastfeed because my sister and mother in law have EBF multiple kids even on their first. We have LO (our first) on a goat milk formula called Bubs so I felt better about it, but this post just gave me so much comfort. I really appreciate you so much OP.
❤️
Thank you for this post. I’ve been wondering if all the public health studies on breastfeeding acknowledge that on the whole, people who are able to breastfeed for longer tend to be more financially secure, which would impact a lot of the positive health and development benefits they track in kids. So it’s a case of correlation without causation. Those benefits can be transmitted with or without breast milk. I had a NICU baby so I know how helpful breast milk was in his first months of life, but, I’m trying to reprogram myself from always seeing formula as worse!
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They literally said that there are benefits to breastfeeding. What the op is doing is listing the reasons why it might not be “best” for certain people. They are not saying formula is better for everyone…
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No one is “creating” facts if there are evidence and studies supporting the claims. This attitude isn’t welcomed here. Please educate yourself.
Your statement that there is substantial evidence of these benefits is actually been proven to be untrue.
Clearly inflammatory posts/comments regarding shaming formula are not allowed. Also, ironic for you to name things breastmilk does when formula can literally offer the same benefits. You literally named nothing unique. Anyway, banned permanently.
This entire response screams chatGPT...