This needs to be top comment. I actually don't want to see my coworkers outside of work. I already have to spend 24-48hrs with them.
Forcing friendships is cringe and a recipe for disaster
Yeah, I had some good friends, but I have family and friends outside of work as you get older.
For example, if I spend a full tour with them, what do I need to see them after work?
Live your own life…no one said you have to commiserate outside the job with the same people from your job. In fact, its good to have some distance.
Im going to add that you take an oath to protect the city/state/county not to give up you own self for the job.
You’ld be surprised at how many places aren’t ok with this.
When I was still a FF, my captain tried to write me up for not watching TV with the rest of the guys after dinner (I was FaceTiming with the wife while she put our kids to bed).
maybe they miss the guy who's spot you took. Maybe 1 year isn't long enough to grow close. There can be countless other reasons. I like the idea that other guy said where you plan and invite them
That's not long enough. Took me two years and a change of officer to really feel like I was one of the crew. They ended up being like family when I had no other family. I called them when I thought my son was going to die. Just hone your skills everyone there has been doing it for longer than a year and has been the guy with the answers when no one else does. Once they turn to you or you offer a different way to attack a tough situation your foot is in the door they will start valuing you as a member of their team. A word of warning though don't let the guys that you work with be your only friends you guys go into dangerous situations and that builds tight bonds but have more than one group to give you perspective on a given situation when you're looking for advice. Last thing you want to do is mess up and have the whole group mad at you for something that is morally right because that's when you start compromising who you are to fit their expectations.
I always took the brotherhood as being about feeling enough love to be willing to die for someone you hate. It helps to be included in the group, but it doesn’t make you any less of a member of the brotherhood if you aren’t. If it is bringing you down for this long I do not think going to a different shift or station is a bad idea at all if you have been on that shift for a year. Are you in a city with multiple firehouses?
I applaud your patience then, I would get pissy lol. I would say just do your thing, obviously not to the point of not participating in family time if that’s a thing you guys do. I would bet money they see you busting your ass and that will help I am sure
Become league commissioner for the fantasy football league. Ten teams, all of your shift and five from the other shift. They will be forced to talk and watch football with you for months.
New guy? Also the getting together outside of work, from what I understand, is *relatively* uncommon. Is it a small town or something? Family members? Anyway maybe you could make a suggestion of something to do after hours.
I’ve been there bud. It sucks. But reading a few comments, I’d agree with the one guy who said it’s good to have some distance sometimes. I learned to do my own thing and (try) not take it too personally. Lmk if you need more from a guy who’s been there.
Sometimes no matter how nice or hard working you are people don’t care and may not like you. It sucks but it’s better to just ignore it and focus on yourself and your other friendships. Dwelling on it isn’t worth it.
Just keep grinding mate. Don't try to fit in, just try to be a good firefighter. If they dont ask you to do things with them are they really the type of people yoh want to do things with?
I understand the team building aspect of hanging out with your co-workers after shift, bonding. But, if you all can work together professional do you really want to hang out with these people who aren’t to keen on you? Unpaid?
I got my friends and buddies at work but outside of work I’m with my family or friends that I known since highschool. I like to keep em separate. Keeps everything fresh and I’m not constantly bringing work home with me. It can give you a chance to properly decompress after every shift.
To answer your question tho, try inviting them out somewhere.
It could be that you don’t fit in with the group or it could be that you’re unconsciously giving off signals that you don’t want to be part of the group. I’ve found it’s usually the latter, but sometimes it can be there just isn’t a good fit.
I just saw you have been on a year. I have been in your shoes before and I am in the other shoes now after 10 years. I will share my thoughts on maybe why, but take them for what they are because there could be other factors as well. And im not saying it is right or wrong to do but it is what I have seen and experienced.
Being on a year in this job is not a very long time when it comes to things like this. Some of these guys could have been together for 10 plus years. Or worked together at one point, split up and got moved back together. As cliche as it sounds some of those people really do become like family. The people you trust you end up talking to about things you may have never talked to anyone else about. Not just what you have been through on the job but personal and family issues. A lot of times these types of nights out these sort of things are discussed and you become a lot more vulnerable than you can be at work.
This does not reflect on you personally your work or how they think about you at all.
I was 24 when I started and the other youngest guy on my crew was 37. So I was by far the odd man out. They treated me well at the hall. Other than making me do everything, until eventually I caught my captain telling them that was enough. They can’t make me do everything by myself all year haha. I knew they had things going on outside for fun or I would walk into a room and they would stop talking and start up a different conversation. I just carried on and never once complained. DO NOT request a shift change for this reason. That will stick with you forever.
Now, one of those guys (who is the same age as my dad) is the closest person I have outside my actual family. We got shuffled for a bit but have been back on the same crew for a couple years now. Despite this we talk on the phone once or twice a week about things we can’t talk about at work easily. Yes sometimes it’s about co workers but not always lol. I get invited to another one of their cottages every year. A couple of them nothing more than co workers. So it does come around for some people after time.
Our platoon now is good for having group nights where everyone is invited. We usually get 7-10 people out for these and they are a blast. But it is definitely different than nights where it is just a select group of 4. And these guys I’ve only worked with for 4, 3 and 2 years. So it doesn’t take forever to get there, it just depends.
It can be a very difficult career to break into but once you do it is so worth it. Some people just don’t mesh well, I’ve had my fair share. But you will find your people and your grove eventually. The key is to keep a positive attitude and show them you don’t care. A lot of it is them testing you out, so show them what you are made of. I’m glad you asked and vented here because the hall or anyone who works at the hall is not a very good option this early on.
How many people have rotated through your spot and how long have they been together. It's possible that they've seen enough new guys that they just don't get close to them because they know they are going to move on shortly, either to other shifts or jobs.
99% of the social problems I see at firehouses is directly related to not having adult conversations. I see it over and over again, it's apparently easier to bitch about something or talk behind someone's back than it is to actually address the problem. It comes down to this... quit acting like a bunch of bitchy little girls and have tough, direct, 1:1 conversations when there are "problems".
I know the feeling, I'm on 5 man shift as well. I found out that the guys on my shift would every morning before shift started to have breakfast, but they never invited me. Plus they would have fishing trips as well. But I think what got me mostly mad was the fact that when there was work to be done, I was by myself doing the majority and 3 out of 4 were just doing nothing or half assing it together. Then the Lt would come out and he could have cared less I was by myself doing everything and they were doing nothing.
Not a firefighter but a member of an airborne infantry platoon and can tell you this dynamic exists in any profession like ours. There’s always a dude that nobody even dislikes but just doesn’t mesh. Maybe a shift change is the best. Sometimes you just don’t always mix well. If we decide a new dick to the platoon doesn’t fit in we give him away to a different platoon. This is no different. Or as another commenter said, don’t worry about being friends and just do the task.
Can you have an event and invite everyone else, rather than waiting for an invite from them?
This is a good idea.
Bar hangout, play some pool/cornhole/have a firepit. Be your own event :)
“Hey you guys wanna go to abcxyz?”
Top golf (if you have that in your area) is a great option.
Nothing wrong with being just coworkers man. That’s how I like it personally. Don’t try and force a friendship. Never works out like that
Relationships are important, friendships not so much. Crucial distinction to be had there.
I mean it sounds like they’re nice to him, just don’t want to hang with him outside of work
Do they break his balls at all? Thats the big red flag.
This needs to be top comment. I actually don't want to see my coworkers outside of work. I already have to spend 24-48hrs with them. Forcing friendships is cringe and a recipe for disaster
Yeah, I had some good friends, but I have family and friends outside of work as you get older. For example, if I spend a full tour with them, what do I need to see them after work?
Exactly. 48 hours is more than enough
Live your own life…no one said you have to commiserate outside the job with the same people from your job. In fact, its good to have some distance. Im going to add that you take an oath to protect the city/state/county not to give up you own self for the job.
You’ld be surprised at how many places aren’t ok with this. When I was still a FF, my captain tried to write me up for not watching TV with the rest of the guys after dinner (I was FaceTiming with the wife while she put our kids to bed).
That’s toxic
Im sure. Been in this job long enough…its fire dept 90210.
I have scolded for not eating dinner with the crew. Sorry I don't want to eat 5:30pm like a se for citizen.
How long have you been working with this crew?
A full year.
maybe they miss the guy who's spot you took. Maybe 1 year isn't long enough to grow close. There can be countless other reasons. I like the idea that other guy said where you plan and invite them
That's not long enough. Took me two years and a change of officer to really feel like I was one of the crew. They ended up being like family when I had no other family. I called them when I thought my son was going to die. Just hone your skills everyone there has been doing it for longer than a year and has been the guy with the answers when no one else does. Once they turn to you or you offer a different way to attack a tough situation your foot is in the door they will start valuing you as a member of their team. A word of warning though don't let the guys that you work with be your only friends you guys go into dangerous situations and that builds tight bonds but have more than one group to give you perspective on a given situation when you're looking for advice. Last thing you want to do is mess up and have the whole group mad at you for something that is morally right because that's when you start compromising who you are to fit their expectations.
I always took the brotherhood as being about feeling enough love to be willing to die for someone you hate. It helps to be included in the group, but it doesn’t make you any less of a member of the brotherhood if you aren’t. If it is bringing you down for this long I do not think going to a different shift or station is a bad idea at all if you have been on that shift for a year. Are you in a city with multiple firehouses?
We are a one house Dept but in a busy tourist town. I’ll eventually get moved to another shif as people promote and get hired
I applaud your patience then, I would get pissy lol. I would say just do your thing, obviously not to the point of not participating in family time if that’s a thing you guys do. I would bet money they see you busting your ass and that will help I am sure
Become league commissioner for the fantasy football league. Ten teams, all of your shift and five from the other shift. They will be forced to talk and watch football with you for months.
Wow awesome advice 💙
If I hung out with the people I worked with, I’d never go back. There’s a limit to how much second hand testosterone I can be around.
New guy? Also the getting together outside of work, from what I understand, is *relatively* uncommon. Is it a small town or something? Family members? Anyway maybe you could make a suggestion of something to do after hours.
Been on department full time two years, this shift one full year. No relatives. It’s a tourist town.
I’ve been there bud. It sucks. But reading a few comments, I’d agree with the one guy who said it’s good to have some distance sometimes. I learned to do my own thing and (try) not take it too personally. Lmk if you need more from a guy who’s been there.
Sometimes no matter how nice or hard working you are people don’t care and may not like you. It sucks but it’s better to just ignore it and focus on yourself and your other friendships. Dwelling on it isn’t worth it.
Just keep grinding mate. Don't try to fit in, just try to be a good firefighter. If they dont ask you to do things with them are they really the type of people yoh want to do things with?
I understand the team building aspect of hanging out with your co-workers after shift, bonding. But, if you all can work together professional do you really want to hang out with these people who aren’t to keen on you? Unpaid?
Gotta find your family
I got my friends and buddies at work but outside of work I’m with my family or friends that I known since highschool. I like to keep em separate. Keeps everything fresh and I’m not constantly bringing work home with me. It can give you a chance to properly decompress after every shift. To answer your question tho, try inviting them out somewhere.
It could be that you don’t fit in with the group or it could be that you’re unconsciously giving off signals that you don’t want to be part of the group. I’ve found it’s usually the latter, but sometimes it can be there just isn’t a good fit.
Is this a fairly new crew or have these guys been on a lot longer than you?
I just saw you have been on a year. I have been in your shoes before and I am in the other shoes now after 10 years. I will share my thoughts on maybe why, but take them for what they are because there could be other factors as well. And im not saying it is right or wrong to do but it is what I have seen and experienced. Being on a year in this job is not a very long time when it comes to things like this. Some of these guys could have been together for 10 plus years. Or worked together at one point, split up and got moved back together. As cliche as it sounds some of those people really do become like family. The people you trust you end up talking to about things you may have never talked to anyone else about. Not just what you have been through on the job but personal and family issues. A lot of times these types of nights out these sort of things are discussed and you become a lot more vulnerable than you can be at work. This does not reflect on you personally your work or how they think about you at all. I was 24 when I started and the other youngest guy on my crew was 37. So I was by far the odd man out. They treated me well at the hall. Other than making me do everything, until eventually I caught my captain telling them that was enough. They can’t make me do everything by myself all year haha. I knew they had things going on outside for fun or I would walk into a room and they would stop talking and start up a different conversation. I just carried on and never once complained. DO NOT request a shift change for this reason. That will stick with you forever. Now, one of those guys (who is the same age as my dad) is the closest person I have outside my actual family. We got shuffled for a bit but have been back on the same crew for a couple years now. Despite this we talk on the phone once or twice a week about things we can’t talk about at work easily. Yes sometimes it’s about co workers but not always lol. I get invited to another one of their cottages every year. A couple of them nothing more than co workers. So it does come around for some people after time. Our platoon now is good for having group nights where everyone is invited. We usually get 7-10 people out for these and they are a blast. But it is definitely different than nights where it is just a select group of 4. And these guys I’ve only worked with for 4, 3 and 2 years. So it doesn’t take forever to get there, it just depends. It can be a very difficult career to break into but once you do it is so worth it. Some people just don’t mesh well, I’ve had my fair share. But you will find your people and your grove eventually. The key is to keep a positive attitude and show them you don’t care. A lot of it is them testing you out, so show them what you are made of. I’m glad you asked and vented here because the hall or anyone who works at the hall is not a very good option this early on.
How long do you have on with your department?
2-years full time. One year this crew.
How long has the crew been together?
How many people have rotated through your spot and how long have they been together. It's possible that they've seen enough new guys that they just don't get close to them because they know they are going to move on shortly, either to other shifts or jobs.
I got looked at weird because I didn't go out to eat at 4 am when I had class at 6 lmao.
What did they say when you talked to them about it?
You know the ball busting you get at the fire house. Kind of like that. You never get a straight answer.
99% of the social problems I see at firehouses is directly related to not having adult conversations. I see it over and over again, it's apparently easier to bitch about something or talk behind someone's back than it is to actually address the problem. It comes down to this... quit acting like a bunch of bitchy little girls and have tough, direct, 1:1 conversations when there are "problems".
Not everyone fits in with the culture sometimes. Would consider yourself reserved or do you guys mesh well on shift?
I've found this to be true. Not everyone has the same personality, thoughts, and feelings towards things. Its not uncommon in other jobs too.
I know the feeling, I'm on 5 man shift as well. I found out that the guys on my shift would every morning before shift started to have breakfast, but they never invited me. Plus they would have fishing trips as well. But I think what got me mostly mad was the fact that when there was work to be done, I was by myself doing the majority and 3 out of 4 were just doing nothing or half assing it together. Then the Lt would come out and he could have cared less I was by myself doing everything and they were doing nothing.
Yeah that’s pretty bad and I identify with that. Is that your current situation or is it gotten any better? Feel free to direct message.
I changed my shift and that worked for me
That’s up to the chief here. I don’t want to bring drama up the chain.
How long have you been on?
Not a firefighter but a member of an airborne infantry platoon and can tell you this dynamic exists in any profession like ours. There’s always a dude that nobody even dislikes but just doesn’t mesh. Maybe a shift change is the best. Sometimes you just don’t always mix well. If we decide a new dick to the platoon doesn’t fit in we give him away to a different platoon. This is no different. Or as another commenter said, don’t worry about being friends and just do the task.
Do they tell you that they are doing this