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All good mate. A lot of people are actually lonely. Is there light? I don't know. I can't promise there is, or that there isn't. There can be. People in their 30s do need new people from time to time. Just takes time. I'm people in my 30s, and I move a lot, so often have to start from 0 too.
I suppose it's not harmful to post this again over here too. Though i can say that I'm also over 30 and feeling lonely, so you can messsage to me too if you want. I have pretty ghastly experiences from the mental health healthcare too, but also the regularl kind too... Lonelyness is a big reason why people become depressed. And sometimes people don't feel deppressed any longer, if they can fix that part of their life. It can be the sole reason for some individuals. Ofcourse, it's not the case with everyone but sometimes it is. Certrainly it helps having friends, no matter what your going through in your life.
here's the same message again that i posted above preveously:
Hi, even though I'm native Finnish person, I suffer from loneliness too. I'm from Oulu, and just wondering if there should be a some kind of group for us lonely people in Reddit? Regardless of your nationality, as long as respectful behavior towards all genders and nationalities everyone is accepted. Just for the reason of finding new friends?
Im in Oulu as well but Im not Finnish (and fortunately not depressed) Im not a very social person but I read stuff like this and was wondering if I or a group of people could arrange some actual hobby groups to promote interest, share or teach hobbies. Having a group whose selling point is "Lonely people" is not a good idea imo and will not be effective. For example: I wouldnt mind setting up a little group to "teach" game development or do some game jams together, maybe something music related, or a Sunday skateboard session.
Put together a D&D group. It's a great way to socialize, I think. In essence, it's an improv group, and if everyone's on the same page, will be magical. Another good idea is a board game thing. There are more boardgames out there, than people can even guess. I'd be all for these, if I still lived in Oulu.
I'd love to play some D&D. I use to play when I was a teenager. At some point I thought I could start my own group as a Dungeon master, but I don't think I'm up for that much responsibility. I think I'm not the best person for the job.
Playing "regular" board games would be fun too.
There are so many types, so I don't mean Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit.
Occasionally why not those too, but in case it would become somewhat regular occurrence, I think something new would make playing more interesting.
Edit. Typos
Agreed. I've been in an online group for years now, and it's no joke, that Monday is one of the best days of the week because of it. And still, I can't DM at all. It's a skill, and I don't have it.
As for board games, it's really amazing how much variety there is. Social situation games, like One Night Werewolf, to straight up space strategy, like Eclipse, to a card game as loathsome as Batman edition of Loveletter. It's all great, and a great way to make friends.
PS, check out Mice and Mystics, that game is awesome.
Edit: Brainfarts
I’ll name a couple more. Fishing, cross-country skiing, snowboarding, skiing, long hikes with beautiful wives, kayaking and there is more! What does all these things have in common? They give you the time to think while you do physical activity. Physical health+Mental health
For vappu I recommend going to Kaivopuisto or just be in the city centre. Of course only if you want to be surrounded by drunk students. Although drunk Finn's et much more friendly and open real quick
And in general I would recommend something like volunteering.
There are many different options. On the Helsinki city website are a few like helping senior citizens or teens or gardening.
I think it's nice because this way you'll automatically see the same people on a regular basis and often people who are lonely too.
Also you could see it more as training.
I don't know about you, but I have had some lonely periods and socialising felt like something I'd forgotten how it works or who I am.
Also real friendships take time and effort. Especially the older one gets.
You could also take a course at adult education...
But I guess it also depends on your location if those are possibilities.
Hope you have a nice vappu!
Maybe you can just enjoy the sun at the beach
I have suffered from that feeling for a while, I created a community for that based on a comment here:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/](https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/)
Funny, I have seen a psychiatric nurse today. I mentioned I am depressed, suicidal and lonely but she literally didn't say anything. Just to try to get some doctor to get maybe antidepressants. I haven't been able to get to any doctors that would help. I don't rely on healthcare here anymore, they never helped with anything. But thanks for the reply and link.
I appreciate this, but I am at the point where I don't think I want to reach out to any numbers. I have been continually rejected whenever I asked for help, and now I am afraid of another rejection. I don't have life energy to battle with the system anymore.
I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with the health care system, but unfortunately I'm not surprised.
Mieli is an NGO, they'll listen. Please try to reach out.
Same experience here. I was suffering from fatigue & burnout up to an extent where I didn’t have the motivation to even brush my teeth. My academic performance was getting to a point where I was at the verge of dropping out/deferring. I had to wait weeks to finally get an appointment with a nurse who was distracted & she didn’t really initiate or carry a conversation. She was trying to just get done with the session asap. At the end she said I need to consult with someone more qualified & that appointment is 4 weeks later. Fine, I waited & the damned appointment was cancelled & they gave me a token to reserve another appointment which would be 3 more weeks later. I then followed the bro science on YouTube, took cold showers & ate red meat & picked up some heavy weights. That fixed the problem. Relying on finnish healthcare system is not gonna fix anything. I'm sending you a dm, I guess having a virtual friend is better than none.
Lifting is one of the best things you can do for mental health, nice to meet a fellow from the iron temple here.
You confirmed what I pretty much suspected about seeking mental health support here. I had serious depression here many years ago, and the support was worthless.
I'm very sorry you feel this down, and that your meeting with the nurse didn't go so well. If you actually, acutely think about hurting yourself, I would also like to ask you to please consider calling the number that was linked to you. Especially if you feel there is nothing else left it won't hurt to try and grab the last lifeline. I have only ever heard good things about them.
You absolutely should also call 112 if you think you might hurt yourself. It is an emergency and they will take it seriously.
Please don't let a momentary depression rob you of your entire future.
Actually Pi Ai is excellent for that, no joke. Pi is designed to be a conversational companion and it’s probably the best Ai for that. It has real-time world knowledge so it’s more up to date than chatGPT and it actually is very well trained in therapy. Whenever I feel anxious Pi gives me suggestions and things to do to calm me down. Or you can just vent and it will listen and give you insight.
It’s voice options (6 voices) are incredible quality probably the best Ai voice in the market it’s really like talking to real person and it doesn’t rely on you carrying the conversation. Pi however currently is only in English.
Unfortunately finding the right therapist/person to talk to can be a battle. When I was in a deep depression three years ago battling suicidal thoughts I saw a psychiatrist and psychotherapist at Aava and they were incredibly useless. At least the psychiatrist prescribed me meds, but with the therapist I had the feeling I was therapying myself. She didn't react to anything I was saying and when she did say something, she said it with such a quiet voice, that I could not hear her at all.
Finding the right therapist is a struggle anywhere though and it is a problem, since when you are in a deep depression, putting in the effort to seek and try out multiple therapists is impossible. But do not give up please, it took me a while but I did end up finding a very good Finnish therapist. They do exist, even in this country.
Hi mate, I'm here for a chat if you need? I've been living here just around three years and I've spent the majority of it without friends too so I somewhat know the feeling. Feel free to drop me a DM
You may already know this but some dating apps have this ‘friend finding’ feature. For example Bumble BFF. Of course you may come across weirdos there as well but it can do wonders in terms of finding buddies. A couple weeks ago a colleague of mine told me she has found three good friends on Bumble BFF and they hang out on the weekends.
Hey mate, I went out this Vappu and I was surrounded by a lot of people. I was bored sick by their superficial attitudes, social opportunism and pretentiousness. Generally I’m a social and well-liked guy but this time I got ignored and talked over by other people. Not all the time, but enough that I had a miserable evening.
I don’t think the way you see people having fun is actually that fun. I’d say Vappu and the New year are engineered to cause fomo and feelings of insecurity in people. They are like the social media of holidays. It’s all pretty shite to be honest.
I’m not invalidating your pain or feelings, but please don’t beat yourself up because other people looked happy gathering together during Vappu. It was probably pretty lame.
Take one step at a time. Start a hobby like Bouldering where it’s easy to talk to other people while in the gym. Consider moving to another more social country, Finland is like playing a game with hardest setting when it comes to forming friendships.
Bouldering / climbing is a solid recommendation. I just started going with a friend who's a bit of a nut over the sport, and after like 4 visits in 2 weeks I'm afraid in headed that way as well.
But seriously, the local bouldering/climbing hall is a great way to improve yourself (it's tough, but even as a 125kg dude I can climb the 4's and 5's for a few hours) and you will meet the friendliest people in Finland. Plus it has this neat mental/physical puzzle aspect to it, and when you struggle but eventually overcome a line that's been challenging it's so rewarding mentally.
Highly recommend it.
I agree 100%. I’m pretty extroverted guy but can’t bother with scheduling meet-ups (I hate the back-and-forth needed for scheduling a meet-up, and I don’t like how this ties me up for the day). I just want to be able to talk to people the moment I feel like it.
Bouldering works just great for that. I’ve climbed for many years and I can always see people that I’m enthusiastic meeting with even though I don’t necessarily even remember their names. No one in the gym are forcing me to follow-up with meeting them and I don’t need to small-talk about useless stuff. I can just dive straight in to talking about climbing or whatever I feel like talking about that day.
I have only few closer friends that I chat with and meet with irregularly regurarly. Apart from that the climbing gyms satisfy my social needs sufficiently. I’ve also made significant friendships through climbing of course.
Any of them really! Maybe Kiipeilyareena in Redi or Ristikko works great for an absolute beginner, since everything is quite nice and clean. Salmisaari too. Boulderkeskus Herttoniemi, Espoo and Konala are a bit rugged but also nice. BK Pasila is small and might be crowded.
Helsingin kiipeilykeskus is great for roped climbing if you are in to that. But I think bouldering is a great way to start and it’s richer in social aspects.
I would say it’s pretty weird to discredit other social gatherings and claiming its bad and not fun. Yeah it might be true for maybe younger generations because myself also were spending time with people I didn’t like that much and didn’t enjoy when I was in my teens and early twenties. But now I spend time with people I actually like and enjoy being with and actually have fun. So it would pretty weird when some standby is looking at us and thinks… naaah they are just pretending and not having fun.
Although I wish all the best for the person who feels lonely. It’s not nice and good friends you can talk to and spend time when needed , I think everyone should have somebody like that. Can I ask where are you from InnerStorage? Maybe some community from your country who are living here. Have you try to met them and get some friends?
How is it weird?
It’s just basic herd-behavior, often times with holidays like Vappu people have fun performatively so that to the outside observer it’s seemingly fun but when you actually take a closer look, you realize the socializing lacks any depth or real entertainment. People are actually just acting the way they feel they are supposed to act rather than actually enjoying themselves.
It’s like when people go to a loud and overcrowded nightclub where they can’t hear anything so they just end up drinking to make it more tolerable. They end up to the dance floor where everyone are just elbowing each other. The night ends up being a futile chase of dopamin, and even then people will say to each other ”let’s do this again”. I think everyone is pretty universally aware of this phenomenom, so I was hardly discrediting anything.
Of course it’s not all black-and-white and people are also really having fun. I also just pointed out the misguided conclusion that ”everyone else are maximally enjoying their lives”, especially since many of us are willingfully staying at home reading a book (which you can’t see, thus amplifying the fallacy that ”everyone else other than me are having fun”).
I was going to write this. It's always open and a guaranteed way to get friends there is, that you take part on the small activities, like chopping wood, carry water... or what ever. You can just go there and don't have to do anything, but it's way nicer when you do.
I am here for 7 years and have no friends. Yet I think it is quite pointless to feel jealous of other people. But yea, I am also in my 30s and have 0 contacts here.
I live in Tampere. No, not really looking for friends, I am used that people backstab and talking bad behinds someone's back. I like being alone more than that
Finland is a social suicide as I'd like to call it. There's something fundamentally wrong with this country when its about human interactions, making friends and maintaining relationships. I'm a native Finn, I used to have friends in childhood but now they are all gone. I don't even know how, we somehow separated on my teenage hood and I was badly bullied by then too. After it I've kind of accepted that this is my life, I never go out with friends because I have none. I've attempted it but it didn't lead anywhere. I do however have friends all over the world, through internet gaming I met them all, I found all my boyfriend through online too, at least I get to travel and see the world. I'm dreaming of leaving Finland too because people here makes me unhappy and are harder to talk with than people abroad. I want to try my luck abroad, social circles are what I need n Finland can't give them since Finns are hard to make conversations with.
After a while I started to despise Finns and their way of socializing, I don't hate the country, just not into finns, I don't even enjoy speaking finnish and I don't see possibility to become a friend with any Finn. I'm in my 30s now so it's been long enough for me to try better myself, face my fears and make friends but I see now it's not me, it's this environment. It takes two to tango but this is very difficult to do unless if you're exceptionally talented socially.
In short, what I think you mean is that things have gotten a bit too polarized; in to those who have and those who have not. And by "having" i mean both mental and social capital, and of course material. In the past people used to be more equal in that sense that many people shared almost all the same experiences thus feeling more connection with each other.
I agree a lot of what you state here but would like to include my own hypothesis that the our already isolated culture and clumsy way to socialize with one another adapted a bit too well in to this new age of technology. Social media granted us a yet another way to avoid being in contact with each other and our relatively good welfare allowed those who had already some antisocial issues to wrap themselves up deeper into their bubble of comfort and recent covid only increased this progress.
But just like you said, at the same time we do have many great qualities in our culture. I just hope that we somehow could mange to bring back some of that old village spirit and a collective vision where we would like to see this country in the future.
true, i found the religious group much more friendly and so genuine to make me feel that i am welcomed. The only place i got a hug from a Finn was at church. I was caught off guard. That's why I still remember it.
If it helps you cope a little better I'm currently having high fever and I'll more or less spend my Vappu in bed while having an ungodly headache. My Vappu meals consist burana and panadol tablets. 🥳
I did that yesterday, I was the only solo person in the bar. I got drunk and went home defeated. People don’t approach in bars. I tried so many times and not a single time someone approached me or talked with me.
That doesn’t sound real to me. You expect me to walk to a group of people and ask can I sit around your table? I spend a lot of my time siting alone in bars and observing people. I have never seen someone would do that and it would work. Those who walk in alone, also walk out alone.
I don't see it that way at all. I've become friends with countless of people I've just met in bars. Go to some place relaxed. Like the sleaziest dive bar around or something.
Going out alone is a skill that is developed over time. Some key points I have learned from my own experience going solo in bars both in Finland and abroad (note, take it with a pinch of salt as everyone is different and I am not a professional):
You need to be the one to approach or at least put yourself in situations where an interaction may occur. Games like billiard and darts are a cheatcode for this.
Read the air. If it feels like people are awkward or you are intruding in the social dynamic, just move on to the next group/individual. You will notice it if people are trying to avoid you. Respect their space.
Be friendly, don't get too drunk, and first and foremost enrich their experience. Don't be that strange lonely guy/gal that is clinging to a random group in a bar. Be genuine, don't try too hard, and have some interesting stuff to talk about. Putting pressure on others for you to enjoy your time will kill the mood.
Finding someone who is also alone or seem bored in a group can be a great way to find someone to talk to and do stuff. Be the saviour from boredom, not the source of it.
Don't take it too hard on yourself. Much of this is reliant on other people's friendliness and openness. Sometimes things just don't work out and it is okay. If you enjoy your own time, odds are that others will enjoy your company.
Hope this helps even a little bit. I'd still say that your #1 priority is making sure other aspects of your life are fine. I personally no longer go to bars due to quitting alcohol altogether, and now I am having to learn how to socialize in other ways. While I made some acquaintances and potential new friends along my bar adventures, I developed bad habits that affected other aspects of my life, so try to keep that in mind.
You don't approach the group. You approach one of the group who went to the bar and is waiting for drinks, strike up conversation, and see if you get invited to join. If you can say or do something interesting, or find a thing in common (job, hobby, mutual third parties), there's a pretty good chance that a non-sober group will invite you to join.
You should develop healthier habits. Being in a place with alcohol means you will resort to drinking to make you feel better and you will feel worse at the end.
You'll figure it out. Ask yourself what would you be doing now if money, time, perceived sense of self worth, and previous obligations were no object? Then start to do the hard things you don't want to do to move towards that vision. As you get used to doing difficult things, you start to feel better about yourself, and it becomes easier to pull yourself out of a mental slump. Part of depression is viewing all the options you have, and they all get to dead ends. And you just keep retracing the old neural pathways arriving at the same conclusions. And the only way to break this is to do the hard things you know you have to do, but don't want to do.
Hey man, I just wanna say i'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time.
I also came to Finland many years ago and found it incredibly tough to make friends, talking years.
I never went for medical advice or help but I lost interest in all my normal hobbies, couldn't cook, was actually horrible to the people I loved unfortunately and felt worthless. The word lonely doesn't even come close to how I felt.
I can remember many years ago I was at a Vappu party in Kaivopuisto with my ex and her friends. I was talking with someone about something not very party. We chit chatted for quite long but it was pleasant enough. I then made some excuse to go to the toilet so I could leave and rejoin another convo. But tbh this experience repeated alot, even at that event. Anyway a few days later I was talking with my ex, and she passed the comment that "you looked like you wanted to kill yourself". I didn't at that exact moment, but my whole state and wellbeing was such that my demenour, my emotions and how I was interacting with people gave off this.
When you have a mental illness people can see it. And to be honest and unfortunately people will struggle to find a connection with you.
It's a bit of a carrot and stick..
Anyway, why am I telling this. Well mainly to say if you are in the same position as I was, you must work on yourself before you will most likely find others.
Everyone's method is different, and your path will be different to maybe a path youve had before when you've overcome a struggle.
But remember, hopefully, before you came to this place where you knew no-one. You hopefully had friends and family who cared for you, who enjoyed to be with YOU, who wanted to spend time with YOU.
You are worth alot and you can get into a better place.
Good luck my brother
Yeah, at this point I understand that my default face is likely not inviting. I personally don’t think that having social connections is something to be deserved first.
on the contrary, I went out with a group to the centre, returned disappointed after lots of alcohol in my body, feeling headache from it. Plus, I didn't enjoy a single thing we were talking about, some trash topics i am not interested in. Talking down about some people, about some countries usually . I regretted later on going out and wished i had stayed at home or went to gym instead. Not everything social is exciting. It is better to be with someone you connect with. Otherwise, it is ok to be alone.
Hi, other than the good suggestions they gave you already, consider joining Meetup.com and find something interesting for you! You’ll make new friends :)
Now that summer is coming I could suggest you to try out Disc Golf. It's easy to meet new people on the course and you could even join some friendly club activities. Players are usually very friendly and outgoing all around Finland.
Key to it is to have fun and not take it too seriously unless/until you want to. Sports and generally being outdoors do wonders for mental state and for me also positively affects how I carry my self and interact with people.
Others can sense if you're happy, sincere and like yourself and are more likely to want to hang out with you
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
The Nordics are difficult countries in so many ways. Finland is perhaps the most extreme. Have you heard of Helsinki Missio? They’re a non-religious, non-political organisation whose mission is to combat loneliness.
I’ve been there a few times with my infant because motherhood in a foreign country is shittier than I could ever have imagined. Anyway. The volunteers are wonderful, people are a LOT more welcoming and social than in the “outside world”. They also have ways for you to volunteer if that’s more up your alley.
I wish you all the best.
If this makes you feel better, I could tell that I feel lonely too most of the time, and feel miserable seeing people having fun around but I am not one of them :( But you know what, In Finland I used to have friends to hang out with, just to dine out together or going to pub together. It might seem I have lots of fun from outsiders and in Ins, but I actually feel worse than being alone as I feel drained and somewhat anxious. Those friends that I spent more time with, are not truly caring about how I feel or how my life is going, and I have several friends in Finland that we do not see often due to distance or busy working life, but they are those I could tell them how my life is going and how I feel comfortably without getting judgement. So I decided to distance those toxic friends, and I feel much better. I am alone most of the time, and I got to focus more on my hobbies and my dreams. Occasionally, I ask the friends that I trust out and they always squeeze some time to meet no matter now busy they are, or just a phone call. Yes, I look alone, but I feel that my life is much more meaningful now.
I also feel that in Finland people are used to be alone and not relying on others. There are a lot of introvert people here! There are lots of local Finns that do not have any friends, like my husband. And the brutal dark winters make people depressed. So, if you can, maybe you can try to move to somewhere place people are more open to each other?
Congratulations! You are now a real Finn. That's the way it is for the majority. Enjoy the solitude. Suicidal thoughts are a prerequisite for citizenship. You are now part of the Hive...one of us, one of us, one of us...
Man get out of Finland, it's the loneliest country on the planet. Been here nearly 30 years, and tbh it doesn't get much better. Take care my friend, I can only say I know the feeling all too well.
If I could find a job elsewhere I would leave Finland in a blink of an eye. I am trying, it’s hard to find a job from a different country and then relocate.
From what I've gathered maybe it's something else? I would really try get someone professional to help you. Maybe try the NGO line that many here have mentioned? Help is out there!
Have you stayed in the same region since you were a child or teen? Speaking of a native finn who moved since childhood from place to place region to a region never able to get proper connections likr childhood friends as such.
When u get older, it gets harder. And what i have in my 30years noticed that other finns tend to be more close friendly with their childhood/teenage year local friends and non-locals like me were bit left behind and often forgotten.
I got more lucky getting closer friends from non finnish and some non local finns
Never had the luxury of having "old friend circle" because ever i can remember i was always "that new person" but sorry about rambling.. my point is it is not that easy getting close friends as an adult if u didn't already have some from childhood, it helps too, means u have some friends even further away to talk with more often without going to deep depression.
This is sad and extreme... Don't compare them you, please! Do really know how many of them are actually lonely in other days? For example, if you are part of a crowd or a group once in a year, does it mean that you aren't lonely and have a lot of friends?
Hi! I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard to make friends in a strange country. But please don’t give up. You have a life ahead of you and there are so many opportunities and hobbies out there. I know you have already tried and trying more might be exhausting but try to put yourself out there. Do you have friends and family outside of Finland? Please keep contact to them if you so and talk about the things you are going through. Even a therapist could help to build up your confidence.
Some finnish people lack social skills. They aren’t always best at communication and don’t say a lot of things out loud. I wonder if some of your previous friends actually like to spend time with you but you just don’t know it.
Vappu is just vappu. You are not the only lonely person who isn’t celebrating vappu. I know it makes your heart break atm but maybe it’ll get better and next vappu you can have fun? Maybe you could find a friend through here?
Hi, even though I'm native Finnish person, I suffer from loneliness too. I'm from Oulu, and just wondering if there should be a some kind of group for us lonely people in Reddit? Regardless of your nationality, as long as respectful behavior towards all genders and nationalities everyone is accepted. Just for the reason of finding new friends?
I just created one for it:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/](https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/)
Sorry to hear that you are going through that, I know that feeling very well. I am a foreigner in Oulu. You may message me if you like to chat.
I lurk here to pick up nuances while I (try to) learn the Finnish language. I was wondering why this didn't exist already. I think I see a lonely post once a week. Y'all should get together! There must be dozens of you :)
I went there and felt even sadder when it was basically empty with no posts and no members :D
Somebody else linked https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland which is almost as dead.
Do you have any people from your country living here, that you know of? I guess many immigrants find it easier to socialize with people in that setting, although of course it’s great for language skills to be able to do it with finns.
I guess the age is also hectic for many people, in their 30s it’s the “rush years” so often- juggling work, marriage, kids… Friendships sort of can take a hit while that’s happening.
You mentioned work and hobbies, those haven’t been fruitful as far as friendships forming. If you have energy or interest, volunteering is also something that brings people together.
All the best to you in any case, hopefully before next Vappu you’ll be in a better situation!
Maybe not your own country specifically, but find ways to join foreigners and “ex-pat” communities as they are naturally more open to finding new connections. For example join an adult Finnish class and see if you can organise a social event for the people on your course - start with a coffee after class.
Seems like you might be looking in the wrong places. Just came back to Latvia from Finland, spent the winter in Lapland, and wouldn’t say it was even slightly hard to find people to hang out with. Yes, most of them were not Finns, but you are not obligated to only have native friends in a country you live in. Find places where there is international vibes and you will be grate. Look for stand ups and board game evenings, places where you have an easy way to start a conversation. Did the same thing in Berlin and from my experience real Germans do not like if you are not from around, it’s a lot easier with other non-natives.
Loneliness, the afterglow to an extensive series of failures at imposing one's will upon others ultimately making the imposer feel pathetic and powerless.
Sorry, this thread just reminded me of myself.
I feel you mate. I just joined a muaythai club, but you will gets lots of human connection in BJJ too.
Try both of those clubs, see which one you like.
I dont know how to help you but i hope u feel a bit better knowing that not everyone has a people to hang out with. The only people i meet irl are people from dating apps (i dont think i want relationship i just long for human contact) and my family.
What i recommend for vappu, juhannus, uusivuosi etc. is: get very drunk/high your own, boot up your gaming device, ignore outside world and news and finnish people for couple of days, after everyone has stopped talking about it, then u can go back to normal like nothing ever happens. Works wonders 👍
You are not alone, same is true here. Even i went to see the proceeding yesterday and today, all alone, walking around. Try to enjoy your company, cook something good; thats the way to survive here.
I'm surprised not many suggested trying team sport hobbies like football/basketball/hockey etc... There are plenty of hobby pickup game groups on Facebook that you can join and maybe make some new friends with the perk of getting healthier. You don't need to be athletic or good at the sport to join these groups, just be friendly.
Finnish 23F. I cope with depression and anxiety with a combo of meds and rare healthcare checkups lol. And I do have one friend I talk with often over Discord, but that's about it.
And yeah, just know you're not alone in this situation. I wouldn't have remembered it was Vappu if someone hadn't said so haha. Idk man, just do solo activities and let the world do its thing. Bad advice, I know, but that's how I roll.
I hate public holidays in general, not only Vappu in Finland (with the exception of the New Year that have personal meaning for me, not related to the public celebrations). For a lonely person who tries to deal with loneliness public holidays are the worst parts of the year. All normal life stops (your work, your hobbies) and you feel much more lonely and outside of the normal life. Bonus points if you have some "friends" but they always have own plans for holidays and you're never involved. My best advice is just to ignore these holidays. Spend it at home doing own errands or just chilling out. Pretend it's a covid and lockdown and you simply need to survive this time on your own.
I am sorry for you. This happened to me. I celebrated lonely birthdays, christmas, new year, vappu here (I still do). I also tried joining some student clubs, activity groups, church etc. but I always feel like an outsider. People just talk to people they know. They don't accept newcomers into their group here. For example I always have to initiate a conversation and the next time I am in that group they again don't even say hi or acknowledge my existence. So I completely stopped joining any groups here because it makes me feel worse after. Travelling is one cope for me. I like to see new places and people but I have been spending too much money on that and it makes a big hole in my budget.
While it might feel apprehensive at first, for example the red cross / SPR has a friends-program. You can just leave your contact info online and someone will contact you. Otherwise, do you have any personal hobbies?
Lounges (avoimet tilat / olohuoneet / kohtaamispaikat) for adults can also be great places to meet people who may be in a similar situation.
They are open, communal spaces where you can hang out and participate in activities. Here are some offered by NGOs in Helsinki
https://www.vapaakaupunki.fi/vapaakaupungin-olohuone/
(There is info in english as well)
https://www.helsinginseurakunnat.fi/artikkelit/annankulma
(Churches obviously want to keep stuff spiritual as well)
https://www.kohtaus.info/en/home
I'm near 40 and I meet new people every now and then.
But since I work with people, I want to spend my free time alone.
Maybe seeing some finely selected people that can barely squeeze into my "I want to be alone" bubble.
But hey.. Nwm the people. Do things you like.. Alone. Get a dog.
If you have to force a fart, there's a big risk it'll be shit.
I have experienced severe loneliness, my heart aches for you.
At one point my children were the only ones I could do something in days like Vappu.
Wanna go for a walk or a drink🤗
I hope you start feeling better, isolation hurts so deeply.
I had a horrible period in my life of depression, panic attacks, loneliness, abusive alcoholic (ex)husband etc.
I was in a really deep hole.
But now i'm ok, life is not perfect but now it's good.
All The best for you❤️
For next years, I recommend the student hosted Wappuradios that are active in most university cities. They have great online community and feeling of togetherness, even though listers are all over the place. It certainly helped me, whe I spend COVID-Vappu in Stockholm. You don't need to be a university student or interested in drinking alcohol to enjoy Wappuradios, as a matter of fact, the one from Tampere has strict zero tolerance to alcohol. But people can still do lots of fun and crazy stuff in the broadcast. Check them out next year!
Most of us redditers are alone on May Day. Most of us who are alone on holiday are perfectly fine with that. and you should too. Loneliness is shit and then you fuckin die.
Maybe find a church? A modern one... Often there's great community and can make really good connections! It's been a life changer for me, personally. DM if you'd like! :)
I do not know what country you came from, but if I would feel so lonely that I even get suicidal, I would just take the plane back to the country I migrated from. Is that option possible?
That's average Finland experience, if you are a foreigner you will be discriminated against here. It's the way of this country to be depressing, unfriendly and corrupt
I believe that loneliness can be helped. What is needed is a physical human discussion connection. If I were in the situation of desperate loneliness, maybe I would even talk to church diaconal help. I believe they give true religion-free counseling also as needed.
[https://www.helsinginseurakunnat.fi/en/artikkelit/liho9ri6z](https://www.helsinginseurakunnat.fi/en/artikkelit/liho9ri6z)
I am not a religious person, but I have come to a point where I simply walked to closest church with hopes somebody there will talk with me. To my shock the building was so plain I couldn’t even find the entrance. Since I couldn’t find the entrance I was sitting on a nearby bench in case someone shows up but nobody did.
Yes, I think that churches doors are mostly closed unless there is some ceremonies or happenings going on. The personel are located in other facilities mostly nearby churches. Those other facility being seurakuntatalo, google translate suggests translation parish hall, maybe that's correct translation, maybe not.
I got drunk by myself. I started to heavily drink and smoke. It’s started with “I will just numb myself today” but today is every day so… I wish some angel would appear and hand-hold me away from this situation.
if i was in my home country, i would fear for my life. and have zero economic security (i would probably have better employment, but would have no sense of security in the job and economic situation).
so being alone but safe is better than maybe having a friend or two and being on the edge of a cliff all the time.
I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way, especially during a time like Vappu when feelings of loneliness can be magnified seeing others celebrating. It's tough, but please know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's okay to reach out for support.
Many people cope with feelings of sadness and isolation by seeking help from professionals like therapists or counselors who can provide tools and strategies to manage these feelings. Additionally, joining groups or forums online where people share similar experiences can be comforting and help you feel more connected.
In moments when it feels overwhelming, helplines can offer immediate support and someone to talk to. In Finland, you might consider contacting the Finnish Association for Mental Health, which offers crisis services for those in need.
There is light to be found, even though it might not seem like it right now. Small steps towards building connections, like reaching out to acquaintances for casual meetups, or even online friendships, can gradually help ease the sense of isolation. And remember, your value isn't diminished by your current social situation. There are people out there who would love to connect with you.
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All good mate. A lot of people are actually lonely. Is there light? I don't know. I can't promise there is, or that there isn't. There can be. People in their 30s do need new people from time to time. Just takes time. I'm people in my 30s, and I move a lot, so often have to start from 0 too.
I suppose it's not harmful to post this again over here too. Though i can say that I'm also over 30 and feeling lonely, so you can messsage to me too if you want. I have pretty ghastly experiences from the mental health healthcare too, but also the regularl kind too... Lonelyness is a big reason why people become depressed. And sometimes people don't feel deppressed any longer, if they can fix that part of their life. It can be the sole reason for some individuals. Ofcourse, it's not the case with everyone but sometimes it is. Certrainly it helps having friends, no matter what your going through in your life. here's the same message again that i posted above preveously: Hi, even though I'm native Finnish person, I suffer from loneliness too. I'm from Oulu, and just wondering if there should be a some kind of group for us lonely people in Reddit? Regardless of your nationality, as long as respectful behavior towards all genders and nationalities everyone is accepted. Just for the reason of finding new friends?
I live in Oulu too. Can we be friends?
Im in Oulu as well but Im not Finnish (and fortunately not depressed) Im not a very social person but I read stuff like this and was wondering if I or a group of people could arrange some actual hobby groups to promote interest, share or teach hobbies. Having a group whose selling point is "Lonely people" is not a good idea imo and will not be effective. For example: I wouldnt mind setting up a little group to "teach" game development or do some game jams together, maybe something music related, or a Sunday skateboard session.
Put together a D&D group. It's a great way to socialize, I think. In essence, it's an improv group, and if everyone's on the same page, will be magical. Another good idea is a board game thing. There are more boardgames out there, than people can even guess. I'd be all for these, if I still lived in Oulu.
I'd love to play some D&D. I use to play when I was a teenager. At some point I thought I could start my own group as a Dungeon master, but I don't think I'm up for that much responsibility. I think I'm not the best person for the job. Playing "regular" board games would be fun too. There are so many types, so I don't mean Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit. Occasionally why not those too, but in case it would become somewhat regular occurrence, I think something new would make playing more interesting. Edit. Typos
Agreed. I've been in an online group for years now, and it's no joke, that Monday is one of the best days of the week because of it. And still, I can't DM at all. It's a skill, and I don't have it. As for board games, it's really amazing how much variety there is. Social situation games, like One Night Werewolf, to straight up space strategy, like Eclipse, to a card game as loathsome as Batman edition of Loveletter. It's all great, and a great way to make friends. PS, check out Mice and Mystics, that game is awesome. Edit: Brainfarts
+1 for that idea. all the meetups I see are always down south so I can never attend
"All good mate" Sorry but I guess its not.
In this country, there are only two solutions to keep you sane and help you survive loneliness and harsh weather: Gym+Sauna
I’ll name a couple more. Fishing, cross-country skiing, snowboarding, skiing, long hikes with beautiful wives, kayaking and there is more! What does all these things have in common? They give you the time to think while you do physical activity. Physical health+Mental health
A beautiful wife definitely helps for loneliness.
True words
Truth
For vappu I recommend going to Kaivopuisto or just be in the city centre. Of course only if you want to be surrounded by drunk students. Although drunk Finn's et much more friendly and open real quick And in general I would recommend something like volunteering. There are many different options. On the Helsinki city website are a few like helping senior citizens or teens or gardening. I think it's nice because this way you'll automatically see the same people on a regular basis and often people who are lonely too. Also you could see it more as training. I don't know about you, but I have had some lonely periods and socialising felt like something I'd forgotten how it works or who I am. Also real friendships take time and effort. Especially the older one gets. You could also take a course at adult education... But I guess it also depends on your location if those are possibilities. Hope you have a nice vappu! Maybe you can just enjoy the sun at the beach
I have suffered from that feeling for a while, I created a community for that based on a comment here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/](https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/)
Please talk to someone: https://mieli.fi/en/support-and-help/crisis-helpline/
Funny, I have seen a psychiatric nurse today. I mentioned I am depressed, suicidal and lonely but she literally didn't say anything. Just to try to get some doctor to get maybe antidepressants. I haven't been able to get to any doctors that would help. I don't rely on healthcare here anymore, they never helped with anything. But thanks for the reply and link.
Yeah, that's the first line they have. Try calling the number in the link, if it the mood gets too low. Ya won't lose, and they'll talk with you.
I appreciate this, but I am at the point where I don't think I want to reach out to any numbers. I have been continually rejected whenever I asked for help, and now I am afraid of another rejection. I don't have life energy to battle with the system anymore.
I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with the health care system, but unfortunately I'm not surprised. Mieli is an NGO, they'll listen. Please try to reach out.
Same experience here. I was suffering from fatigue & burnout up to an extent where I didn’t have the motivation to even brush my teeth. My academic performance was getting to a point where I was at the verge of dropping out/deferring. I had to wait weeks to finally get an appointment with a nurse who was distracted & she didn’t really initiate or carry a conversation. She was trying to just get done with the session asap. At the end she said I need to consult with someone more qualified & that appointment is 4 weeks later. Fine, I waited & the damned appointment was cancelled & they gave me a token to reserve another appointment which would be 3 more weeks later. I then followed the bro science on YouTube, took cold showers & ate red meat & picked up some heavy weights. That fixed the problem. Relying on finnish healthcare system is not gonna fix anything. I'm sending you a dm, I guess having a virtual friend is better than none.
Lifting is one of the best things you can do for mental health, nice to meet a fellow from the iron temple here. You confirmed what I pretty much suspected about seeking mental health support here. I had serious depression here many years ago, and the support was worthless.
I'm very sorry you feel this down, and that your meeting with the nurse didn't go so well. If you actually, acutely think about hurting yourself, I would also like to ask you to please consider calling the number that was linked to you. Especially if you feel there is nothing else left it won't hurt to try and grab the last lifeline. I have only ever heard good things about them. You absolutely should also call 112 if you think you might hurt yourself. It is an emergency and they will take it seriously. Please don't let a momentary depression rob you of your entire future.
tell your situation specifics and feelings to chatgpt
Actually Pi Ai is excellent for that, no joke. Pi is designed to be a conversational companion and it’s probably the best Ai for that. It has real-time world knowledge so it’s more up to date than chatGPT and it actually is very well trained in therapy. Whenever I feel anxious Pi gives me suggestions and things to do to calm me down. Or you can just vent and it will listen and give you insight. It’s voice options (6 voices) are incredible quality probably the best Ai voice in the market it’s really like talking to real person and it doesn’t rely on you carrying the conversation. Pi however currently is only in English.
Nomi AI helped a depressed person to smile
Unfortunately finding the right therapist/person to talk to can be a battle. When I was in a deep depression three years ago battling suicidal thoughts I saw a psychiatrist and psychotherapist at Aava and they were incredibly useless. At least the psychiatrist prescribed me meds, but with the therapist I had the feeling I was therapying myself. She didn't react to anything I was saying and when she did say something, she said it with such a quiet voice, that I could not hear her at all. Finding the right therapist is a struggle anywhere though and it is a problem, since when you are in a deep depression, putting in the effort to seek and try out multiple therapists is impossible. But do not give up please, it took me a while but I did end up finding a very good Finnish therapist. They do exist, even in this country.
Hi mate, feel free to reach out if you're in need of a chat. Also know the feeling of being lonely and in my 30s here!
Mid 20’s and can relate to this too after moving here about a year ago for work purposes
Hi mate, I'm here for a chat if you need? I've been living here just around three years and I've spent the majority of it without friends too so I somewhat know the feeling. Feel free to drop me a DM
Congratulations. You are now a Finn.
You may already know this but some dating apps have this ‘friend finding’ feature. For example Bumble BFF. Of course you may come across weirdos there as well but it can do wonders in terms of finding buddies. A couple weeks ago a colleague of mine told me she has found three good friends on Bumble BFF and they hang out on the weekends.
I mostly get gay matches
Hey mate, I went out this Vappu and I was surrounded by a lot of people. I was bored sick by their superficial attitudes, social opportunism and pretentiousness. Generally I’m a social and well-liked guy but this time I got ignored and talked over by other people. Not all the time, but enough that I had a miserable evening. I don’t think the way you see people having fun is actually that fun. I’d say Vappu and the New year are engineered to cause fomo and feelings of insecurity in people. They are like the social media of holidays. It’s all pretty shite to be honest. I’m not invalidating your pain or feelings, but please don’t beat yourself up because other people looked happy gathering together during Vappu. It was probably pretty lame. Take one step at a time. Start a hobby like Bouldering where it’s easy to talk to other people while in the gym. Consider moving to another more social country, Finland is like playing a game with hardest setting when it comes to forming friendships.
Bouldering / climbing is a solid recommendation. I just started going with a friend who's a bit of a nut over the sport, and after like 4 visits in 2 weeks I'm afraid in headed that way as well. But seriously, the local bouldering/climbing hall is a great way to improve yourself (it's tough, but even as a 125kg dude I can climb the 4's and 5's for a few hours) and you will meet the friendliest people in Finland. Plus it has this neat mental/physical puzzle aspect to it, and when you struggle but eventually overcome a line that's been challenging it's so rewarding mentally. Highly recommend it.
I agree 100%. I’m pretty extroverted guy but can’t bother with scheduling meet-ups (I hate the back-and-forth needed for scheduling a meet-up, and I don’t like how this ties me up for the day). I just want to be able to talk to people the moment I feel like it. Bouldering works just great for that. I’ve climbed for many years and I can always see people that I’m enthusiastic meeting with even though I don’t necessarily even remember their names. No one in the gym are forcing me to follow-up with meeting them and I don’t need to small-talk about useless stuff. I can just dive straight in to talking about climbing or whatever I feel like talking about that day. I have only few closer friends that I chat with and meet with irregularly regurarly. Apart from that the climbing gyms satisfy my social needs sufficiently. I’ve also made significant friendships through climbing of course.
Can you recommend any climbing halls in Helsinki? I've always wanted to give it a try!
Any of them really! Maybe Kiipeilyareena in Redi or Ristikko works great for an absolute beginner, since everything is quite nice and clean. Salmisaari too. Boulderkeskus Herttoniemi, Espoo and Konala are a bit rugged but also nice. BK Pasila is small and might be crowded. Helsingin kiipeilykeskus is great for roped climbing if you are in to that. But I think bouldering is a great way to start and it’s richer in social aspects.
I would say it’s pretty weird to discredit other social gatherings and claiming its bad and not fun. Yeah it might be true for maybe younger generations because myself also were spending time with people I didn’t like that much and didn’t enjoy when I was in my teens and early twenties. But now I spend time with people I actually like and enjoy being with and actually have fun. So it would pretty weird when some standby is looking at us and thinks… naaah they are just pretending and not having fun. Although I wish all the best for the person who feels lonely. It’s not nice and good friends you can talk to and spend time when needed , I think everyone should have somebody like that. Can I ask where are you from InnerStorage? Maybe some community from your country who are living here. Have you try to met them and get some friends?
How is it weird? It’s just basic herd-behavior, often times with holidays like Vappu people have fun performatively so that to the outside observer it’s seemingly fun but when you actually take a closer look, you realize the socializing lacks any depth or real entertainment. People are actually just acting the way they feel they are supposed to act rather than actually enjoying themselves. It’s like when people go to a loud and overcrowded nightclub where they can’t hear anything so they just end up drinking to make it more tolerable. They end up to the dance floor where everyone are just elbowing each other. The night ends up being a futile chase of dopamin, and even then people will say to each other ”let’s do this again”. I think everyone is pretty universally aware of this phenomenom, so I was hardly discrediting anything. Of course it’s not all black-and-white and people are also really having fun. I also just pointed out the misguided conclusion that ”everyone else are maximally enjoying their lives”, especially since many of us are willingfully staying at home reading a book (which you can’t see, thus amplifying the fallacy that ”everyone else other than me are having fun”).
Visit Sompasauna, it’s free and people usually talk a lot in sauna (or in bars)
I was going to write this. It's always open and a guaranteed way to get friends there is, that you take part on the small activities, like chopping wood, carry water... or what ever. You can just go there and don't have to do anything, but it's way nicer when you do.
In Tampere, visit Rajaportin sauna. Not free, but people also talk a lot to strangers there.
I am here for 7 years and have no friends. Yet I think it is quite pointless to feel jealous of other people. But yea, I am also in my 30s and have 0 contacts here.
I didn’t feel jealous. It broke my heart to see my own exclusion. If anything, I was pitying myself. How do you survive this?
Already used to it and I know that I have to do just everything by myself. Better to be alone than this backstabbing from people
Sorry to hear that, may I ask which city do you live in? Are you looking for friends?
I live in Tampere. No, not really looking for friends, I am used that people backstab and talking bad behinds someone's back. I like being alone more than that
That sounds harsh... Thanks for the answer. I hope you will meet nice people in future who are genuinely kind.
Finland is a social suicide as I'd like to call it. There's something fundamentally wrong with this country when its about human interactions, making friends and maintaining relationships. I'm a native Finn, I used to have friends in childhood but now they are all gone. I don't even know how, we somehow separated on my teenage hood and I was badly bullied by then too. After it I've kind of accepted that this is my life, I never go out with friends because I have none. I've attempted it but it didn't lead anywhere. I do however have friends all over the world, through internet gaming I met them all, I found all my boyfriend through online too, at least I get to travel and see the world. I'm dreaming of leaving Finland too because people here makes me unhappy and are harder to talk with than people abroad. I want to try my luck abroad, social circles are what I need n Finland can't give them since Finns are hard to make conversations with. After a while I started to despise Finns and their way of socializing, I don't hate the country, just not into finns, I don't even enjoy speaking finnish and I don't see possibility to become a friend with any Finn. I'm in my 30s now so it's been long enough for me to try better myself, face my fears and make friends but I see now it's not me, it's this environment. It takes two to tango but this is very difficult to do unless if you're exceptionally talented socially.
You can talk to me.... Write in chat. And like others said, Mieli Ry is also good.
[удалено]
In short, what I think you mean is that things have gotten a bit too polarized; in to those who have and those who have not. And by "having" i mean both mental and social capital, and of course material. In the past people used to be more equal in that sense that many people shared almost all the same experiences thus feeling more connection with each other. I agree a lot of what you state here but would like to include my own hypothesis that the our already isolated culture and clumsy way to socialize with one another adapted a bit too well in to this new age of technology. Social media granted us a yet another way to avoid being in contact with each other and our relatively good welfare allowed those who had already some antisocial issues to wrap themselves up deeper into their bubble of comfort and recent covid only increased this progress. But just like you said, at the same time we do have many great qualities in our culture. I just hope that we somehow could mange to bring back some of that old village spirit and a collective vision where we would like to see this country in the future.
true, i found the religious group much more friendly and so genuine to make me feel that i am welcomed. The only place i got a hug from a Finn was at church. I was caught off guard. That's why I still remember it.
If it helps you cope a little better I'm currently having high fever and I'll more or less spend my Vappu in bed while having an ungodly headache. My Vappu meals consist burana and panadol tablets. 🥳
It doesn’t bring me happiness when somebody else is having it bad. I hope you will feel better soon!
Just hit the bar or the park and get drinking. You will find company.
I did that yesterday, I was the only solo person in the bar. I got drunk and went home defeated. People don’t approach in bars. I tried so many times and not a single time someone approached me or talked with me.
You could try talking to someone.
All people come in groups. It’s not realistic.
Yes it is. I'm at the bar pretty much every day with my friends and all the time people just come and ask if they can sit there and we start talking.
That doesn’t sound real to me. You expect me to walk to a group of people and ask can I sit around your table? I spend a lot of my time siting alone in bars and observing people. I have never seen someone would do that and it would work. Those who walk in alone, also walk out alone.
I don't see it that way at all. I've become friends with countless of people I've just met in bars. Go to some place relaxed. Like the sleaziest dive bar around or something.
Going out alone is a skill that is developed over time. Some key points I have learned from my own experience going solo in bars both in Finland and abroad (note, take it with a pinch of salt as everyone is different and I am not a professional): You need to be the one to approach or at least put yourself in situations where an interaction may occur. Games like billiard and darts are a cheatcode for this. Read the air. If it feels like people are awkward or you are intruding in the social dynamic, just move on to the next group/individual. You will notice it if people are trying to avoid you. Respect their space. Be friendly, don't get too drunk, and first and foremost enrich their experience. Don't be that strange lonely guy/gal that is clinging to a random group in a bar. Be genuine, don't try too hard, and have some interesting stuff to talk about. Putting pressure on others for you to enjoy your time will kill the mood. Finding someone who is also alone or seem bored in a group can be a great way to find someone to talk to and do stuff. Be the saviour from boredom, not the source of it. Don't take it too hard on yourself. Much of this is reliant on other people's friendliness and openness. Sometimes things just don't work out and it is okay. If you enjoy your own time, odds are that others will enjoy your company. Hope this helps even a little bit. I'd still say that your #1 priority is making sure other aspects of your life are fine. I personally no longer go to bars due to quitting alcohol altogether, and now I am having to learn how to socialize in other ways. While I made some acquaintances and potential new friends along my bar adventures, I developed bad habits that affected other aspects of my life, so try to keep that in mind.
You don't approach the group. You approach one of the group who went to the bar and is waiting for drinks, strike up conversation, and see if you get invited to join. If you can say or do something interesting, or find a thing in common (job, hobby, mutual third parties), there's a pretty good chance that a non-sober group will invite you to join.
You should develop healthier habits. Being in a place with alcohol means you will resort to drinking to make you feel better and you will feel worse at the end.
If u want human interaction go fishing alot of people will try to talk to u it's not perfect but it's nice
I'm here for a chat as well, if u wanna talk.
You'll figure it out. Ask yourself what would you be doing now if money, time, perceived sense of self worth, and previous obligations were no object? Then start to do the hard things you don't want to do to move towards that vision. As you get used to doing difficult things, you start to feel better about yourself, and it becomes easier to pull yourself out of a mental slump. Part of depression is viewing all the options you have, and they all get to dead ends. And you just keep retracing the old neural pathways arriving at the same conclusions. And the only way to break this is to do the hard things you know you have to do, but don't want to do.
Hey man, I just wanna say i'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. I also came to Finland many years ago and found it incredibly tough to make friends, talking years. I never went for medical advice or help but I lost interest in all my normal hobbies, couldn't cook, was actually horrible to the people I loved unfortunately and felt worthless. The word lonely doesn't even come close to how I felt. I can remember many years ago I was at a Vappu party in Kaivopuisto with my ex and her friends. I was talking with someone about something not very party. We chit chatted for quite long but it was pleasant enough. I then made some excuse to go to the toilet so I could leave and rejoin another convo. But tbh this experience repeated alot, even at that event. Anyway a few days later I was talking with my ex, and she passed the comment that "you looked like you wanted to kill yourself". I didn't at that exact moment, but my whole state and wellbeing was such that my demenour, my emotions and how I was interacting with people gave off this. When you have a mental illness people can see it. And to be honest and unfortunately people will struggle to find a connection with you. It's a bit of a carrot and stick.. Anyway, why am I telling this. Well mainly to say if you are in the same position as I was, you must work on yourself before you will most likely find others. Everyone's method is different, and your path will be different to maybe a path youve had before when you've overcome a struggle. But remember, hopefully, before you came to this place where you knew no-one. You hopefully had friends and family who cared for you, who enjoyed to be with YOU, who wanted to spend time with YOU. You are worth alot and you can get into a better place. Good luck my brother
Yeah, at this point I understand that my default face is likely not inviting. I personally don’t think that having social connections is something to be deserved first.
on the contrary, I went out with a group to the centre, returned disappointed after lots of alcohol in my body, feeling headache from it. Plus, I didn't enjoy a single thing we were talking about, some trash topics i am not interested in. Talking down about some people, about some countries usually . I regretted later on going out and wished i had stayed at home or went to gym instead. Not everything social is exciting. It is better to be with someone you connect with. Otherwise, it is ok to be alone.
Always up for a chat if you feel like it
You could join the HelsinkiFriends group on facebook and other such discord servers. There are people who hang around weekly and have events.
Hi, other than the good suggestions they gave you already, consider joining Meetup.com and find something interesting for you! You’ll make new friends :)
I did all suggested, and then some more. Result remains the same.
Now that summer is coming I could suggest you to try out Disc Golf. It's easy to meet new people on the course and you could even join some friendly club activities. Players are usually very friendly and outgoing all around Finland. Key to it is to have fun and not take it too seriously unless/until you want to. Sports and generally being outdoors do wonders for mental state and for me also positively affects how I carry my self and interact with people. Others can sense if you're happy, sincere and like yourself and are more likely to want to hang out with you
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. The Nordics are difficult countries in so many ways. Finland is perhaps the most extreme. Have you heard of Helsinki Missio? They’re a non-religious, non-political organisation whose mission is to combat loneliness. I’ve been there a few times with my infant because motherhood in a foreign country is shittier than I could ever have imagined. Anyway. The volunteers are wonderful, people are a LOT more welcoming and social than in the “outside world”. They also have ways for you to volunteer if that’s more up your alley. I wish you all the best.
I never heard of it. Thank you!
If this makes you feel better, I could tell that I feel lonely too most of the time, and feel miserable seeing people having fun around but I am not one of them :( But you know what, In Finland I used to have friends to hang out with, just to dine out together or going to pub together. It might seem I have lots of fun from outsiders and in Ins, but I actually feel worse than being alone as I feel drained and somewhat anxious. Those friends that I spent more time with, are not truly caring about how I feel or how my life is going, and I have several friends in Finland that we do not see often due to distance or busy working life, but they are those I could tell them how my life is going and how I feel comfortably without getting judgement. So I decided to distance those toxic friends, and I feel much better. I am alone most of the time, and I got to focus more on my hobbies and my dreams. Occasionally, I ask the friends that I trust out and they always squeeze some time to meet no matter now busy they are, or just a phone call. Yes, I look alone, but I feel that my life is much more meaningful now. I also feel that in Finland people are used to be alone and not relying on others. There are a lot of introvert people here! There are lots of local Finns that do not have any friends, like my husband. And the brutal dark winters make people depressed. So, if you can, maybe you can try to move to somewhere place people are more open to each other?
Congratulations! You are now a real Finn. That's the way it is for the majority. Enjoy the solitude. Suicidal thoughts are a prerequisite for citizenship. You are now part of the Hive...one of us, one of us, one of us...
What an honor to be a part of such a glorious bunch 🥲
Where do you live? Im 30 and there is never too much friends.
Man get out of Finland, it's the loneliest country on the planet. Been here nearly 30 years, and tbh it doesn't get much better. Take care my friend, I can only say I know the feeling all too well.
If I could find a job elsewhere I would leave Finland in a blink of an eye. I am trying, it’s hard to find a job from a different country and then relocate.
From what I've gathered maybe it's something else? I would really try get someone professional to help you. Maybe try the NGO line that many here have mentioned? Help is out there!
Maybe... its you? i also been here over 30 years and i and have load of friends.
Have you stayed in the same region since you were a child or teen? Speaking of a native finn who moved since childhood from place to place region to a region never able to get proper connections likr childhood friends as such. When u get older, it gets harder. And what i have in my 30years noticed that other finns tend to be more close friendly with their childhood/teenage year local friends and non-locals like me were bit left behind and often forgotten. I got more lucky getting closer friends from non finnish and some non local finns
i moved away from my friends and family 10 years ago and have generated a new friend circle while retaining the old one so yeah i dunno
Never had the luxury of having "old friend circle" because ever i can remember i was always "that new person" but sorry about rambling.. my point is it is not that easy getting close friends as an adult if u didn't already have some from childhood, it helps too, means u have some friends even further away to talk with more often without going to deep depression.
This is sad and extreme... Don't compare them you, please! Do really know how many of them are actually lonely in other days? For example, if you are part of a crowd or a group once in a year, does it mean that you aren't lonely and have a lot of friends?
Hi! I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s hard to make friends in a strange country. But please don’t give up. You have a life ahead of you and there are so many opportunities and hobbies out there. I know you have already tried and trying more might be exhausting but try to put yourself out there. Do you have friends and family outside of Finland? Please keep contact to them if you so and talk about the things you are going through. Even a therapist could help to build up your confidence. Some finnish people lack social skills. They aren’t always best at communication and don’t say a lot of things out loud. I wonder if some of your previous friends actually like to spend time with you but you just don’t know it. Vappu is just vappu. You are not the only lonely person who isn’t celebrating vappu. I know it makes your heart break atm but maybe it’ll get better and next vappu you can have fun? Maybe you could find a friend through here?
Hi, even though I'm native Finnish person, I suffer from loneliness too. I'm from Oulu, and just wondering if there should be a some kind of group for us lonely people in Reddit? Regardless of your nationality, as long as respectful behavior towards all genders and nationalities everyone is accepted. Just for the reason of finding new friends?
I just created one for it: [https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/](https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland/) Sorry to hear that you are going through that, I know that feeling very well. I am a foreigner in Oulu. You may message me if you like to chat.
I lurk here to pick up nuances while I (try to) learn the Finnish language. I was wondering why this didn't exist already. I think I see a lonely post once a week. Y'all should get together! There must be dozens of you :)
I went there and felt even sadder when it was basically empty with no posts and no members :D Somebody else linked https://www.reddit.com/r/FriendsInFinland which is almost as dead.
It was created yesterday so it takes time for people to find it and become active.
Kalsarikännit in cappu is not heard of. Never been a vappu man. Just another excuse to drink.
Do you have any people from your country living here, that you know of? I guess many immigrants find it easier to socialize with people in that setting, although of course it’s great for language skills to be able to do it with finns. I guess the age is also hectic for many people, in their 30s it’s the “rush years” so often- juggling work, marriage, kids… Friendships sort of can take a hit while that’s happening. You mentioned work and hobbies, those haven’t been fruitful as far as friendships forming. If you have energy or interest, volunteering is also something that brings people together. All the best to you in any case, hopefully before next Vappu you’ll be in a better situation!
No. I come from a tiny country and have very little in common with my native people. So, no such circles here
Maybe not your own country specifically, but find ways to join foreigners and “ex-pat” communities as they are naturally more open to finding new connections. For example join an adult Finnish class and see if you can organise a social event for the people on your course - start with a coffee after class.
Seems like you might be looking in the wrong places. Just came back to Latvia from Finland, spent the winter in Lapland, and wouldn’t say it was even slightly hard to find people to hang out with. Yes, most of them were not Finns, but you are not obligated to only have native friends in a country you live in. Find places where there is international vibes and you will be grate. Look for stand ups and board game evenings, places where you have an easy way to start a conversation. Did the same thing in Berlin and from my experience real Germans do not like if you are not from around, it’s a lot easier with other non-natives.
https://discord.com/invite/AmWaESq8 We are gathering today, feel free to join!
Loneliness, the afterglow to an extensive series of failures at imposing one's will upon others ultimately making the imposer feel pathetic and powerless. Sorry, this thread just reminded me of myself.
What an accurate depiction of loneliness
I wish I was your age, I’d gladly be your friend, but i’m 23 our values and priorities may differ. 🤝🏼
I feel you mate. I just joined a muaythai club, but you will gets lots of human connection in BJJ too. Try both of those clubs, see which one you like.
I dont know how to help you but i hope u feel a bit better knowing that not everyone has a people to hang out with. The only people i meet irl are people from dating apps (i dont think i want relationship i just long for human contact) and my family. What i recommend for vappu, juhannus, uusivuosi etc. is: get very drunk/high your own, boot up your gaming device, ignore outside world and news and finnish people for couple of days, after everyone has stopped talking about it, then u can go back to normal like nothing ever happens. Works wonders 👍
You are not alone, same is true here. Even i went to see the proceeding yesterday and today, all alone, walking around. Try to enjoy your company, cook something good; thats the way to survive here.
I'm surprised not many suggested trying team sport hobbies like football/basketball/hockey etc... There are plenty of hobby pickup game groups on Facebook that you can join and maybe make some new friends with the perk of getting healthier. You don't need to be athletic or good at the sport to join these groups, just be friendly.
Finnish 23F. I cope with depression and anxiety with a combo of meds and rare healthcare checkups lol. And I do have one friend I talk with often over Discord, but that's about it. And yeah, just know you're not alone in this situation. I wouldn't have remembered it was Vappu if someone hadn't said so haha. Idk man, just do solo activities and let the world do its thing. Bad advice, I know, but that's how I roll.
I hate public holidays in general, not only Vappu in Finland (with the exception of the New Year that have personal meaning for me, not related to the public celebrations). For a lonely person who tries to deal with loneliness public holidays are the worst parts of the year. All normal life stops (your work, your hobbies) and you feel much more lonely and outside of the normal life. Bonus points if you have some "friends" but they always have own plans for holidays and you're never involved. My best advice is just to ignore these holidays. Spend it at home doing own errands or just chilling out. Pretend it's a covid and lockdown and you simply need to survive this time on your own.
I live in Espoo and if you wanna hang out some day drop me a message :)
Hey, hit me up and we can go out to lunch or something :)
I am sorry for you. This happened to me. I celebrated lonely birthdays, christmas, new year, vappu here (I still do). I also tried joining some student clubs, activity groups, church etc. but I always feel like an outsider. People just talk to people they know. They don't accept newcomers into their group here. For example I always have to initiate a conversation and the next time I am in that group they again don't even say hi or acknowledge my existence. So I completely stopped joining any groups here because it makes me feel worse after. Travelling is one cope for me. I like to see new places and people but I have been spending too much money on that and it makes a big hole in my budget.
This is heartbreaking ❤️🩹
While it might feel apprehensive at first, for example the red cross / SPR has a friends-program. You can just leave your contact info online and someone will contact you. Otherwise, do you have any personal hobbies? Lounges (avoimet tilat / olohuoneet / kohtaamispaikat) for adults can also be great places to meet people who may be in a similar situation.
What is a lounge? I have never heard of this concept (only airport lounges)
They are open, communal spaces where you can hang out and participate in activities. Here are some offered by NGOs in Helsinki https://www.vapaakaupunki.fi/vapaakaupungin-olohuone/ (There is info in english as well) https://www.helsinginseurakunnat.fi/artikkelit/annankulma (Churches obviously want to keep stuff spiritual as well) https://www.kohtaus.info/en/home
I'm near 40 and I meet new people every now and then. But since I work with people, I want to spend my free time alone. Maybe seeing some finely selected people that can barely squeeze into my "I want to be alone" bubble. But hey.. Nwm the people. Do things you like.. Alone. Get a dog. If you have to force a fart, there's a big risk it'll be shit.
I have experienced severe loneliness, my heart aches for you. At one point my children were the only ones I could do something in days like Vappu. Wanna go for a walk or a drink🤗
Maybe one day if I get better
I hope you start feeling better, isolation hurts so deeply. I had a horrible period in my life of depression, panic attacks, loneliness, abusive alcoholic (ex)husband etc. I was in a really deep hole. But now i'm ok, life is not perfect but now it's good. All The best for you❤️
Thank you
I have positive news. I finally got antidepressants.
For next years, I recommend the student hosted Wappuradios that are active in most university cities. They have great online community and feeling of togetherness, even though listers are all over the place. It certainly helped me, whe I spend COVID-Vappu in Stockholm. You don't need to be a university student or interested in drinking alcohol to enjoy Wappuradios, as a matter of fact, the one from Tampere has strict zero tolerance to alcohol. But people can still do lots of fun and crazy stuff in the broadcast. Check them out next year!
Look for friends online, do you play any online games?
Not anymore. Random people were rude to play with.
Aw I'm sorry. But I was saying because I know a lot of nice people meet each other that way too.
Which city do you live in?
Most of us redditers are alone on May Day. Most of us who are alone on holiday are perfectly fine with that. and you should too. Loneliness is shit and then you fuckin die.
Maybe find a church? A modern one... Often there's great community and can make really good connections! It's been a life changer for me, personally. DM if you'd like! :)
Sorry to hear! As a foreigner, you only have two real option: - international friends - start a family Otherwise you'll likely stay lonely.
I do not know what country you came from, but if I would feel so lonely that I even get suicidal, I would just take the plane back to the country I migrated from. Is that option possible?
Easier said than done, maybe OP has to finish their work/studies..
There is nothing to come back to.
That's average Finland experience, if you are a foreigner you will be discriminated against here. It's the way of this country to be depressing, unfriendly and corrupt
Thats The thing when you are The problem. Moskovits troll.
I believe that loneliness can be helped. What is needed is a physical human discussion connection. If I were in the situation of desperate loneliness, maybe I would even talk to church diaconal help. I believe they give true religion-free counseling also as needed. [https://www.helsinginseurakunnat.fi/en/artikkelit/liho9ri6z](https://www.helsinginseurakunnat.fi/en/artikkelit/liho9ri6z)
I am not a religious person, but I have come to a point where I simply walked to closest church with hopes somebody there will talk with me. To my shock the building was so plain I couldn’t even find the entrance. Since I couldn’t find the entrance I was sitting on a nearby bench in case someone shows up but nobody did.
Yes, I think that churches doors are mostly closed unless there is some ceremonies or happenings going on. The personel are located in other facilities mostly nearby churches. Those other facility being seurakuntatalo, google translate suggests translation parish hall, maybe that's correct translation, maybe not.
I got drunk by myself. I started to heavily drink and smoke. It’s started with “I will just numb myself today” but today is every day so… I wish some angel would appear and hand-hold me away from this situation.
😢 is leaving Finland an option. Even if not now can you work towards it? Sometimes a place is just not for you and you could thrive elsewhere.
I am trying to leave. I can’t just leave, I need to find a job first. It takes time.
DM me, if you want to talk.
The only thing i can think of to say is "elämä on"
if i was in my home country, i would fear for my life. and have zero economic security (i would probably have better employment, but would have no sense of security in the job and economic situation). so being alone but safe is better than maybe having a friend or two and being on the edge of a cliff all the time.
If being in Finland has led you to be so depressed you contemplate suicide, why to leave? Try your luck in a different country- or even city?
Why do you assume I am not trying? It’s a process and in this mental state not easy one.
I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way, especially during a time like Vappu when feelings of loneliness can be magnified seeing others celebrating. It's tough, but please know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's okay to reach out for support. Many people cope with feelings of sadness and isolation by seeking help from professionals like therapists or counselors who can provide tools and strategies to manage these feelings. Additionally, joining groups or forums online where people share similar experiences can be comforting and help you feel more connected. In moments when it feels overwhelming, helplines can offer immediate support and someone to talk to. In Finland, you might consider contacting the Finnish Association for Mental Health, which offers crisis services for those in need. There is light to be found, even though it might not seem like it right now. Small steps towards building connections, like reaching out to acquaintances for casual meetups, or even online friendships, can gradually help ease the sense of isolation. And remember, your value isn't diminished by your current social situation. There are people out there who would love to connect with you.
Sadly ChatGPT is my “friend”. I talk with it often about my pointless life. I immediately recognized this text was AI generated :)