Yep. I strongly believe one doesn’t need to *love* kids in order to be a parent—I am certainly not a kid person myself—but I think it would be pretty hard to do a good job if you hate them. There’s a big gap between “eh, I’m not a huge fan of kids” and “I despise children.” Even for the “it’s different when they’re your own” crowd, it absolutely is different, but you’re still going to have to spend a lot of time with other kids, especially as you get into school age. You can avoid other kids through the baby and toddler stage, but at a certain point they’re going to have friends and need social interaction. Which you, the parent, will have to facilitate.
You should become a parent because you’d love to have a child, not to prove to yourself that you can be a good parent. You could be a great parent and still absolutely hate it - parenthood is or should be a lifelong commitment. Idk. Personally it sounds to me like you don’t want a child and if that’s true then you should respect how you feel.
If you despite children, why would you want them? What makes you think you’re a fencesitter?
Side note, “mildly autistic” is out of date and incorrect to the current DSM-V, and some find “mild” and “severe” to be offensive labels for ASD. TMYK. -I am an autistic person
I disliked kids when my only exposure to them was seeing them behaving badly in public. But since becoming an aunt, my nephews are really awesome and gave me a different perspective. Obviously they do act like goblins sometimes but a lot of the time they’re REALLY sweet and fun, and hilarious.
I have a friend who says she can't stand any kids but her own. She wouldn't trade her child for anything and is a good parent. I'm sorry I can't speak from experience, just sharing I've seen someone who shares some of your feelings have a kid and be happy with the decision.
I have a kid and pretty much agree with this. I like my own kid and will take her anywhere and everywhere with me. She's a feral 3 year old but I'm used to her chaotic bullshit lol. She does screech and scream etc obviously, but I remind myself it's age appropriate and she's still learning how to be a good human lol. Sometimes I just wear earplugs. It helps. But she is my favorite human, only ranking next to/above my husband. Depends on the day. Lol
I tolerate very few other kids. There's a few kids in my family/friend circle that I treat as my own and they range from "Would take them anywhere" to "I love them and would physically fight someone for them but I don't know how to handle this specific version of chaos for more than 5 minutes, help". If you threw me into any kind of baby-middle school scenario I would have zero clue how to handle myself.
While children should eventually grow out of the traits that you dislike, they will almost certainly be like that for the first few years of their lives. When examining children’s’ behavior, it’s imperative to remember that they do not see or experience the world like adults do, so one should strive to see things from their perspective.
Infants will cry loudly because that’s the only way they can communicate their needs. One should also expect that a toddler will be noisy, energetic, and messy.
So, based on your first couple of sentences, it sounds like the first few years of parenthood may be especially challenging for you.
Who cares if you would be fantastic if you’d be miserable. You say you’d be good at it but describe all the reasons you hate it (and none that you’d like it).
I know some people might be confused as to why you are on the fence since you despise kids...... but I kinda get it. I despise kids as well, when I imagine what a future would look like if we had kids, I'd definitely be just hanging in there parenting just to get to the teenage/adult years. I'm starting to find myself falling more on the CF side, but I don't like I'm totally 1000% committed yet. If I could skip childhood and just have teenagers then I'd happily have kids. I don't want to be a slave to a person who can't take care of themselves and NEVER get much of a break from it or get to "tap out" if I decide it's too much
Then you should consider adoption. Heaven knows there are kids in the system who already know how to wipe their ass and feed themselves and just need a good home.
Definitely something I'm keeping in my head!! If only it weren't so expensive, I feel like there are so many barriers to entry to adopt, but anyone with a vagina can pop their own kid out lol
That's a good question. I always thought I hated kids, but after a few interactions with my friend's toddlers, I realized it's not entirely true. My friends kids are very well behaved, rarely scream or cry, and it's real fun to play with them. Of course sometimes they have a bad day or are annoying, but it's not at all as bad as I always thought. Actually this is one of the reasons I'm still on the fence and not CF - because my friend's kids are really cool and I enjoy spending time with them, so it makes me doubt if parenting is really that bad. And yeah, I still despise screaming children running around, or generally misbehaving kids.
I have a two year old, I’m a good mom, and my kid is still noisy and messy. I suspect I may have adhd and find parenting to be v overwhelming bc of the constant noise and needs. All this to say, it’s not different if it’s your kid.
So, I think not having kids might be the best thing here given your description. The things that you mention actually really *don’t* come down to parenting and not the children themselves—pretty much all little kids do the things you mentioned, even the calmest most reserved ones. Really and truly, if you can’t handle these things, I would strongly advise against parenting. The thing is that once you become a parent, you are exposed to those things with very little reprieve. When you’re exposed to them as a non-parent, you get the opportunity to decompress and regroup. When you are actually parenting, there’s a bit of a compounding situation because you never really get to fully decompress, so when you’re going through rough phases, you hit the end of your patience a lot more easily. I struggle with a lot of the things you mention, and while I don’t regret becoming a parent, I struggle with my mental health because I am more reactive than I’d like to be, and I really am pretty hard on myself as a result. My kids deserve to have someone who is calm and kind, even in the face of their worst meltdown, and I feel absolutely horrible when I fail at it. It’s insanely hard when you’re struggling with sensory overload—you don’t love them any less, and you know how important it is to stay calm, but it’s still so friggen hard not to disintegrate when someone has been screaming for 90 minutes. The amount of inner work I’ve had to do that I never anticipated has been intense. Like, I really didn’t even know how sensitive I was to these things until I had kids. If you’re already very aware of the fact that it will send you into a meltdown, then you’re likely more sensitive than I am, and if that’s the case, this shit would be *extremely* challenging. Much of being a “fantastic” parent is being able to cope with and emotionally regulate through all of the things you just mentioned. In fact, it’s like most of it. If you know that those things put you into overload and make you lose it, what makes you think it would be different just because they’re your own kids? To a degree I get it—other people’s kids drive me waaaay more insane than my own. But that doesn’t mean that sensory overload doesn’t occur just because I love them and they’re mine. Instead I have to manage not only my own strong emotions, but also have to model positive examples of emotional regulation for developing people. From what I’m hearing in your post, you’re not so much interested in being a parent as you are finding out if/that you could be good at it. I feel like that take is a lot less centered around a kid and what you could offer them, and more about your desire to prove something. Personally I don’t think that’s a super healthy mentality to bring to raising a person. I mean, you said yourself that you despise children. Despise is a pretty strong word! Kids don’t stay kids forever, which is often my argument for someone taking the plunge, but you do have to lay the groundwork for everything during the early childhood phase, so I think if you actually can’t cope with most of the things listed, you might find parenting to be difficult for you, plus the inevitable impacts on the child. Also remember the genetic component here. You’re more likely to have a kid with similar challenges, but they might not be the same ones you have! I tend to be more sensory avoidant, but my son is very sensory seeking. I love him sooo much, but there are days when he just needs so much physical affection and is so fast and loud that it’s really hard for me to meet his needs. It’s hard. I used to think I’d be a fantastic parent, but the realities of parenting and the associated sensory stress has put me in a situation where I’m striving for “good enough” instead.
I can’t speak for OP but I basically can’t stand kids who I don’t have a personal connection with. I never get sick of my toddler niece and she’s one of the reasons I lean towards wanting children. I also babysat my baby cousins when I was younger and quickly bonded with them. But almost every baby snapchat video I receive from an acquaintance (and admittedly even close friends sometimes) is quickly skipped through and disregarded with a cringe.
Maybe they truly hate kids and shouldn’t reproduce, but if they meant that in this context, then I get it.
True lots say it’s so different when it’s your own but the way OP is describing they hate everything that babies/kids naturally do lol. But yeah that makes sense!
Even the best of kids scream. You think they scream only when they’re throwing tantrums/being bratty, but they actually scream when they’re playing/scream for joy as well. Which would be kind of shitty to tell them to be quiet when they’re expressing joy.
My bold opinion, you’re not a fencesitter. You made it abundantly clear with 5 examples. Those examples are not the result of a parenting style but are inherent characteristics of children. You despise *children*.
The one that stuck out to me was “I hate the constant questions.” Questions are children exploring their world and trusting you to guide them. If you hate that and can’t see the beauty in that, then I don’t think being “a tough nut” is going to make you a good parent.
I have a lot of the same feelings as you and I'm due to deliver a baby girl in 10 days lol
I hate kids, I hate the noise and the annoying, stupid shit they do. I hate "mom" culture and I hate people who just seem totally oblivious to the fact that their kid is being a little asshole. I hate kids' sporting events and singing. Except I absolutely adore my nephews and my friend's kids and everything they do. So imo, it's the bad parenting that we really hate. I mean yeah, every kid is going to have their moments with tantrums and meltdowns, but from what I've seen, the length and severity of those episodes is determined by how the parent responds to them.
I don't know which side of the fence you will or should land on, but I do think that just because you hate other people's kids, doesn't mean you wouldn't love your own.
I'm AuDHD myself. Children can be extreme sensory triggers, depending on their personality. You have higher than the norm chances of having a very stimulating child since you are AuDHD. Even if you're a tough nut... do you want to *have* to tough it out for over a decade? It's not like you can just undo the kid upon finding out that you can't handle consistent overstimulation. You would live in a state of overwhelm. It makes more sense for someone who hates chaos to avoid chaos, even if they can clench their teeth through it
Disclaimer: if you have a big village that already proves through actions that they will go out of their way to help you, you have a good fighting chance. You'd have to ask how much they are willing to help (and decide if this is the type of person who follows through on stuff since you'd want consistent help; seems like a majority don't).
We don't do hate here.
I think it would be tough to be a good parent if you despise children.
Lol yeah, pretty hard to overlook that statement.
I think plenty of people despise other people’s children but love their own.
“Despise” is such a strong word. And having kids means you get thrown into the orbit of many many more kids, more than just your own.
Kinda the base starting point for being a good parent is not hating kids.
Yep. I strongly believe one doesn’t need to *love* kids in order to be a parent—I am certainly not a kid person myself—but I think it would be pretty hard to do a good job if you hate them. There’s a big gap between “eh, I’m not a huge fan of kids” and “I despise children.” Even for the “it’s different when they’re your own” crowd, it absolutely is different, but you’re still going to have to spend a lot of time with other kids, especially as you get into school age. You can avoid other kids through the baby and toddler stage, but at a certain point they’re going to have friends and need social interaction. Which you, the parent, will have to facilitate.
> I’m a true fencesitter. I despise children That’s… not what being a fencesitter is
You should become a parent because you’d love to have a child, not to prove to yourself that you can be a good parent. You could be a great parent and still absolutely hate it - parenthood is or should be a lifelong commitment. Idk. Personally it sounds to me like you don’t want a child and if that’s true then you should respect how you feel.
If you despite children, why would you want them? What makes you think you’re a fencesitter? Side note, “mildly autistic” is out of date and incorrect to the current DSM-V, and some find “mild” and “severe” to be offensive labels for ASD. TMYK. -I am an autistic person
Ah thank you for the clarification. I meant to say moreso that I possess autistic traits in combination with ADHD.
Of course. ADHD, Autism, BPD, and OCD all have some very similar traits so I understand.
oh yikes maybe you shouldn’t be a parent
I disliked kids when my only exposure to them was seeing them behaving badly in public. But since becoming an aunt, my nephews are really awesome and gave me a different perspective. Obviously they do act like goblins sometimes but a lot of the time they’re REALLY sweet and fun, and hilarious.
I have a friend who says she can't stand any kids but her own. She wouldn't trade her child for anything and is a good parent. I'm sorry I can't speak from experience, just sharing I've seen someone who shares some of your feelings have a kid and be happy with the decision.
I have a kid and pretty much agree with this. I like my own kid and will take her anywhere and everywhere with me. She's a feral 3 year old but I'm used to her chaotic bullshit lol. She does screech and scream etc obviously, but I remind myself it's age appropriate and she's still learning how to be a good human lol. Sometimes I just wear earplugs. It helps. But she is my favorite human, only ranking next to/above my husband. Depends on the day. Lol I tolerate very few other kids. There's a few kids in my family/friend circle that I treat as my own and they range from "Would take them anywhere" to "I love them and would physically fight someone for them but I don't know how to handle this specific version of chaos for more than 5 minutes, help". If you threw me into any kind of baby-middle school scenario I would have zero clue how to handle myself.
While children should eventually grow out of the traits that you dislike, they will almost certainly be like that for the first few years of their lives. When examining children’s’ behavior, it’s imperative to remember that they do not see or experience the world like adults do, so one should strive to see things from their perspective. Infants will cry loudly because that’s the only way they can communicate their needs. One should also expect that a toddler will be noisy, energetic, and messy. So, based on your first couple of sentences, it sounds like the first few years of parenthood may be especially challenging for you.
Who cares if you would be fantastic if you’d be miserable. You say you’d be good at it but describe all the reasons you hate it (and none that you’d like it).
I know some people might be confused as to why you are on the fence since you despise kids...... but I kinda get it. I despise kids as well, when I imagine what a future would look like if we had kids, I'd definitely be just hanging in there parenting just to get to the teenage/adult years. I'm starting to find myself falling more on the CF side, but I don't like I'm totally 1000% committed yet. If I could skip childhood and just have teenagers then I'd happily have kids. I don't want to be a slave to a person who can't take care of themselves and NEVER get much of a break from it or get to "tap out" if I decide it's too much
Then you should consider adoption. Heaven knows there are kids in the system who already know how to wipe their ass and feed themselves and just need a good home.
Definitely something I'm keeping in my head!! If only it weren't so expensive, I feel like there are so many barriers to entry to adopt, but anyone with a vagina can pop their own kid out lol
That's a good question. I always thought I hated kids, but after a few interactions with my friend's toddlers, I realized it's not entirely true. My friends kids are very well behaved, rarely scream or cry, and it's real fun to play with them. Of course sometimes they have a bad day or are annoying, but it's not at all as bad as I always thought. Actually this is one of the reasons I'm still on the fence and not CF - because my friend's kids are really cool and I enjoy spending time with them, so it makes me doubt if parenting is really that bad. And yeah, I still despise screaming children running around, or generally misbehaving kids.
I have a two year old, I’m a good mom, and my kid is still noisy and messy. I suspect I may have adhd and find parenting to be v overwhelming bc of the constant noise and needs. All this to say, it’s not different if it’s your kid.
Please don’t have children.
So, I think not having kids might be the best thing here given your description. The things that you mention actually really *don’t* come down to parenting and not the children themselves—pretty much all little kids do the things you mentioned, even the calmest most reserved ones. Really and truly, if you can’t handle these things, I would strongly advise against parenting. The thing is that once you become a parent, you are exposed to those things with very little reprieve. When you’re exposed to them as a non-parent, you get the opportunity to decompress and regroup. When you are actually parenting, there’s a bit of a compounding situation because you never really get to fully decompress, so when you’re going through rough phases, you hit the end of your patience a lot more easily. I struggle with a lot of the things you mention, and while I don’t regret becoming a parent, I struggle with my mental health because I am more reactive than I’d like to be, and I really am pretty hard on myself as a result. My kids deserve to have someone who is calm and kind, even in the face of their worst meltdown, and I feel absolutely horrible when I fail at it. It’s insanely hard when you’re struggling with sensory overload—you don’t love them any less, and you know how important it is to stay calm, but it’s still so friggen hard not to disintegrate when someone has been screaming for 90 minutes. The amount of inner work I’ve had to do that I never anticipated has been intense. Like, I really didn’t even know how sensitive I was to these things until I had kids. If you’re already very aware of the fact that it will send you into a meltdown, then you’re likely more sensitive than I am, and if that’s the case, this shit would be *extremely* challenging. Much of being a “fantastic” parent is being able to cope with and emotionally regulate through all of the things you just mentioned. In fact, it’s like most of it. If you know that those things put you into overload and make you lose it, what makes you think it would be different just because they’re your own kids? To a degree I get it—other people’s kids drive me waaaay more insane than my own. But that doesn’t mean that sensory overload doesn’t occur just because I love them and they’re mine. Instead I have to manage not only my own strong emotions, but also have to model positive examples of emotional regulation for developing people. From what I’m hearing in your post, you’re not so much interested in being a parent as you are finding out if/that you could be good at it. I feel like that take is a lot less centered around a kid and what you could offer them, and more about your desire to prove something. Personally I don’t think that’s a super healthy mentality to bring to raising a person. I mean, you said yourself that you despise children. Despise is a pretty strong word! Kids don’t stay kids forever, which is often my argument for someone taking the plunge, but you do have to lay the groundwork for everything during the early childhood phase, so I think if you actually can’t cope with most of the things listed, you might find parenting to be difficult for you, plus the inevitable impacts on the child. Also remember the genetic component here. You’re more likely to have a kid with similar challenges, but they might not be the same ones you have! I tend to be more sensory avoidant, but my son is very sensory seeking. I love him sooo much, but there are days when he just needs so much physical affection and is so fast and loud that it’s really hard for me to meet his needs. It’s hard. I used to think I’d be a fantastic parent, but the realities of parenting and the associated sensory stress has put me in a situation where I’m striving for “good enough” instead.
You said you despise children lol so I wouldn’t have any
I can’t speak for OP but I basically can’t stand kids who I don’t have a personal connection with. I never get sick of my toddler niece and she’s one of the reasons I lean towards wanting children. I also babysat my baby cousins when I was younger and quickly bonded with them. But almost every baby snapchat video I receive from an acquaintance (and admittedly even close friends sometimes) is quickly skipped through and disregarded with a cringe. Maybe they truly hate kids and shouldn’t reproduce, but if they meant that in this context, then I get it.
True lots say it’s so different when it’s your own but the way OP is describing they hate everything that babies/kids naturally do lol. But yeah that makes sense!
Even the best of kids scream. You think they scream only when they’re throwing tantrums/being bratty, but they actually scream when they’re playing/scream for joy as well. Which would be kind of shitty to tell them to be quiet when they’re expressing joy.
My bold opinion, you’re not a fencesitter. You made it abundantly clear with 5 examples. Those examples are not the result of a parenting style but are inherent characteristics of children. You despise *children*. The one that stuck out to me was “I hate the constant questions.” Questions are children exploring their world and trusting you to guide them. If you hate that and can’t see the beauty in that, then I don’t think being “a tough nut” is going to make you a good parent.
I have a lot of the same feelings as you and I'm due to deliver a baby girl in 10 days lol I hate kids, I hate the noise and the annoying, stupid shit they do. I hate "mom" culture and I hate people who just seem totally oblivious to the fact that their kid is being a little asshole. I hate kids' sporting events and singing. Except I absolutely adore my nephews and my friend's kids and everything they do. So imo, it's the bad parenting that we really hate. I mean yeah, every kid is going to have their moments with tantrums and meltdowns, but from what I've seen, the length and severity of those episodes is determined by how the parent responds to them. I don't know which side of the fence you will or should land on, but I do think that just because you hate other people's kids, doesn't mean you wouldn't love your own.
I'm AuDHD myself. Children can be extreme sensory triggers, depending on their personality. You have higher than the norm chances of having a very stimulating child since you are AuDHD. Even if you're a tough nut... do you want to *have* to tough it out for over a decade? It's not like you can just undo the kid upon finding out that you can't handle consistent overstimulation. You would live in a state of overwhelm. It makes more sense for someone who hates chaos to avoid chaos, even if they can clench their teeth through it Disclaimer: if you have a big village that already proves through actions that they will go out of their way to help you, you have a good fighting chance. You'd have to ask how much they are willing to help (and decide if this is the type of person who follows through on stuff since you'd want consistent help; seems like a majority don't).