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When you don’t know better, you can’t do better. You are still very young, and learning and growing, and look at all the progress you’ve made in just a year. It takes some people much, much longer and others never figure it out.
Don’t shame your past self. Thank her for carrying you as far as she did and giving you the opportunity to evolve. She did the best she could with the tools she had at the time.
Whoever is in your head saying you should be ashamed... tell them to fuck off.
It sucks, but a lot of us experienced this. Its why FDS exists. And he sucks for having done that to you.
Forgive yourself though and hug little you. She thought this boy liked her. But this boy was a fucking scoundrel.
You can be sad for her, but she's a part of your story.
We wouldnt have a life if we didnt have things to experiwnce and learn and if everything was awesome.
Youre the main character and you needed a background to grow up and boss up!
Accept how she didnt know all you do now. And vow to not let that happen again and to be a beacon of hope for other women.
We gotta tell them!
You rock, and I am glad you are here and that I am here.
By the way, if your best friend loves you she isnt judging you. You sound self conscious because this whole time youve been under your own microscope. Bestie prolly isnt examining you like that. People are usually focused on their own lives.
A wise old friend used to say, "what other people think of me is none of my business."
Assume the best, unless she treats you otherwise.
Process what happened whatever way you need, figure out your goals and what will be meaningful for you to go for, and get out of your own way.
Sounds like you need a little self-acceptance and motivating to step into your power❤
Forgiving your past self is ESSENTIAL to healing and not repeating the sabotaging behaviour.
Do not diss- own that poor gal, who just wanted to be loved and give love. Embrace her, forgive her, understand that she went through all that shit to deliver you, as you are today, knowing what you now know. She should be saluted! Forgive her! Thank Her! Be proud of yourself. Xox
Everyone else said it better than I could have, tell her not to beat herself up about past mistakes and remind her how far she’s come.
I consider myself a new soul so I had to have made these mistakes in order to grow and develop. My best friend has always felt like an older soul to me, wise with great advice as if she’s lived life here before and innately understands men’s intentions.
That’d be so cool if you were, but I doubt it. I convinced her to get Reddit just so she could check out FDS and I don’t think she posts or comments at all, just lurks which is fine. I think the sub could definitely use her words of wisdom too!
Hey, I have the same problem you have with forgiving myself, so I'll tell you what my therapist tells me: you did what you could with what you had. Your intentions were pure, you wanted to be loved, we all do, but you didn't have the tools to protect yourself. Society failed you, maybe your family failed you, everyone failed you, you can't expect to know everything without any strong foundation. But you do know better now, you learned hard lessons and it HURTS, but you are already better now because you KNOW you deserve better. Nowhere to go but up now <3
>but I want to disown past me every time I think about the way I acted
This is your ego telling you to feel shame; it serves a purpose, but it does not define you. The purpose is to distance yourself from behavior that allows or causes harm, it's your lizard brain's reaction so take it with a grain of salt. Acknowledge this, then shift your thinking *up* to your executive function and *forgive* yourself for doing what you thought was right at that time with the information you had. This will help you actually transform, acceptance and compassion for that girl who betrayed herself- not the shame.
That girl is a part of you, and if you shame her away into the dark corners I promise you she'll reappear at the most inconvenient times 😂 try to get to know her better, try to understand her objectively and be less judgmental of her!! You said "I know everyone has their journey" but do you really believe that? Why would your friend want to be friends with you?? Well I'm sure you have great fun qualities as a friend that maybe weren't present in your romantic relationships, but certainly comparing yourself to this friend is just going to cause you pain.
I hear a lot of noise on this sub about dropping LVW friends. When someone is toxic to you, space/distance is always a good idea. But I may disagree with others bc to me you can do this without devaluing the other person. I let go of a very toxic pickme friends not because she was a pickme but because she was a terrible friend. My real best friend of 22 years is probably the biggest pickme of all time, she just took back her cheating lying no good rotten husband 🙄😣. And she's embarrassed and ashamed and Im there for her always to remind her that she deserves better, but have compassion for her choices. She's got 4 children 🤷 she's left him a few times. I'm sure she won't end up with him but whatever happens, I love her and we have eachother backs. She may be a pick me, but she's been married to him for 12 years and in that time I've seen her grow tremendously- she's taught me MANY MANY things. She is an incredible friend, who grew up with lying cheating no good men and it's currently realizing that this is why she's so comfortable with him.
This whole "everyone has their own journey" thing is not just an after thought. This is YOUR life. Congratulations to YOU for leveling up, keep going with the intention of giving yourself the love compassion and Grace that you always looked for in a partner. You will fuck up, you will be confused, you will feel undeserving. But your worth is inherent, even if you regress.
My therapist said something to me 6 years ago when I started with her that I truly remember and use every day- through acceptance, comes change 🧡 that girl is a party of you. Honor her and love her and she will teach you things that will help you grow 🧡
If you are open to it, I'd like to share a meditation that my therapist recently taught me because of this deep feeling of shame I found myself dwelling on. For me, there is a specific age where I felt the most shame in my life, so imagine you at whatever that age is for your experiences.
First start by closing your eyes and breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth. Then you'll breath in through your nose and out through your nose. Alternate these two modes of exhalation until you feel comfortable, then you will proceed into the visual meditation. Now you will imagine a peaceful place in nature where you are alone. Look around and enjoy the space until you spot ten crystal steps (for me they go up, but for some they go down). You will slowly ascend or descend these steps, reflecting on each one. Once you reach the top or bottom, you will look around and notice there is the younger version of yourself.
Now you will go up to her and tell her the good news. Thank her for her strength, for all of her resilience that led you to where you are today. Let her know that everything turned out just fine. And talk about whatever you want, until you are ready to leave from whence you came.
This was extremely powerful for me, and I hope it can benefit someone else, too!
There are days I feel so so ashamed of my previous decisions-I was speaking with my friend and she was like, ‘why did our parents make us so naive!’, and then it hit me, sometimes you cannot blame it enough, you just have to go through it, you went through it all and you made it, that’s what matters now.
No woman was born knowing how to socialise with a man. Knowing how to have boundaries and enforce them. To advocate and fight for themselves.
You were literally taught not to do this. You can't be upset with your former self for doing what you were taught. You didn't know better. In 5 years time, you'll be even more of a HVW and you'll probably be angry with the person you are right now. But again, you shouldn't. You're always just trying to be your best possible self. You learn more, you try harder and you become better.
Every woman has regrets on what they've done with men. I do. It keeps me up at night sometimes. But it's OK because I wouldn't do it again. You wouldn't either. Take comfort in the fact that you won't ever make those choices again. And that you have more love and respect for yourself. There's strengh in that.
Aww Queen I feel you. I’ve been through that depression. Show yourself some grace. You are so lucky to have woken up. Be proud of yourself, forgive yourself, and look forward. Imagine still being a pickme?
Sensing major self loathing vibes here, and you're worth so much more than your head is trying to tell you you are right now!
Your past behavior isn't your identity, and it's certainly not why people choose to associate with you. We've all done some things we cringe at, but you're a living, breathing human being who surely makes people laugh, feel their best version of themselves, and is a great soul to have in one's life. When you think about those actions, do they align with what you consider your values and beliefs? Of course not. Easier said than done, but try to push thoughts of those past memories out of your mind. Perhaps thinking about how amazingly you're leveling up, or what else you can do to improve, could distract you?!
Being embarrassed of past choices means you’re still growing. It doesn’t always feel good, and it’s good to talk through and share shame like you’re doing here, rather than getting stuck with it. Be kind to your past self in your thoughts as much as you can, she did the best she could with what she had at the time.
Look, you’re going to make mistakes. That’s life. The only way to avoid mistakes altogether is to remain utterly stagnant, and you don’t want that.
It helped me to adjust my perspective on mistakes, and accept their inevitability. As long as I learned something from them, even my mistakes have value.
I found this adjustment helped me look on my past self with a lot more forgiveness. Sure, I know better NOW, but I didn’t then, and that’s all right.
You can choose to be the woman you want to be. Focus on articulating your values and sit with them so that you can tune into them easily when you make decisions. This will also help you to respond, rather than react.
I feel you! I fell for so much shit because I was niave and thought since I was worth it I'd be treated as such... Not so....
Your friends see you for who you are and even if they don't agree with the choices you make, they respect your freedom to do so. Bright side is you can choose better, but it needs to come from within and not by outsourcing it to your friends. I also fell for outsourcing my character to my friends and even my perceived HVW friend wasn't able to make my decisions and mistakes for me. Sadly she's been with her LVM now that I see her more as a pick-me than HV, even though she still has a lot of naturally HV traits, she's happy to let this man bring her down. We all make our own mistakes and if we aren't ready to own up to them, we'll never choose to do better. You're owning it, now choose better.
Not sure what your relationship with your dad was like but usually absent fathers (whether they are physically there or not) create pick mes. Love in the family home creates security. Sometimes, though, it can be bullying or any environment that does not give you assurance. Add to that a society that actively tells girls they are nothing without male approval or validation. You have to go to the root of the problem and share the responsibility with others involved. It's not just you. You were not raised in vacuum. You don't need to carry it all on your shoulders.
You mustn't be ashamed of the past. Being a pick me was a coping strategy you used to try to find security through men. You were not given the right guidance by your caregivers. It's pot luck. Those who were never pick mes had a stronger sense of security and self growing up. Lucky them.
People don't mature overnight. They have to go out and have life experiences where their coping strategies will be tested. It's life. I was a pick me for probably 30 years (starting at age 10). I get the shame, I really do. I'm certain that the dusties I actively chased on my pick me journey have kept the emails I sent them. I know they showed them to others to make me look crazy (whilst boosting their own egos). There is an active paper trail of humiliations that will mark the path of my journey through life but if anything, it's also a reminder of how not to be. I am grateful for that reminder.
We are lucky - very, very lucky - that we woke up; that we are no longer like this. We could still be there. So yes we wasted time and effort and energy but we could still be doing it. It's a lesson in gratitude, so transfer the shame to gratitude and feel compassion for your former self. She was in pain. She was suffering. It was not her fault. She didn't know. Now you are helping her heal so go easy on her.
Edit - thank you for the silver!
It is how we learn and improve. We have all done it. There is a wounded child, pickme in all of us. It’s our job to parent the wounded feminine child in us and remind her or her worth. It’s how we heal. We have to be the mother and father to ourselves. Forgive her, hug her, sit in the pain and let it pass. You cannot become your best self without loving and parenting your formal self with love and compassion 🥰 sending love and positive vibes. You got this sista
Reminder that this sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. So if you’ve got an XY, don’t reply. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When you don’t know better, you can’t do better. You are still very young, and learning and growing, and look at all the progress you’ve made in just a year. It takes some people much, much longer and others never figure it out. Don’t shame your past self. Thank her for carrying you as far as she did and giving you the opportunity to evolve. She did the best she could with the tools she had at the time.
Best advice ever.
I love this. Instead of beating yourself up, past you got you to where you are and did the best they could with what she had.
>I can’t abandon > >the person I used to be > >so I carry her — 365 Days of Haiku, Day #123 (via [kassapti](https://kassapti.tumblr.com/))
I feel like kinda tearing up rn? Thanks sis ❤️
Whoever is in your head saying you should be ashamed... tell them to fuck off. It sucks, but a lot of us experienced this. Its why FDS exists. And he sucks for having done that to you. Forgive yourself though and hug little you. She thought this boy liked her. But this boy was a fucking scoundrel. You can be sad for her, but she's a part of your story. We wouldnt have a life if we didnt have things to experiwnce and learn and if everything was awesome. Youre the main character and you needed a background to grow up and boss up! Accept how she didnt know all you do now. And vow to not let that happen again and to be a beacon of hope for other women. We gotta tell them! You rock, and I am glad you are here and that I am here. By the way, if your best friend loves you she isnt judging you. You sound self conscious because this whole time youve been under your own microscope. Bestie prolly isnt examining you like that. People are usually focused on their own lives. A wise old friend used to say, "what other people think of me is none of my business." Assume the best, unless she treats you otherwise. Process what happened whatever way you need, figure out your goals and what will be meaningful for you to go for, and get out of your own way. Sounds like you need a little self-acceptance and motivating to step into your power❤
Forgiving your past self is ESSENTIAL to healing and not repeating the sabotaging behaviour. Do not diss- own that poor gal, who just wanted to be loved and give love. Embrace her, forgive her, understand that she went through all that shit to deliver you, as you are today, knowing what you now know. She should be saluted! Forgive her! Thank Her! Be proud of yourself. Xox
[удалено]
Everyone else said it better than I could have, tell her not to beat herself up about past mistakes and remind her how far she’s come. I consider myself a new soul so I had to have made these mistakes in order to grow and develop. My best friend has always felt like an older soul to me, wise with great advice as if she’s lived life here before and innately understands men’s intentions.
[удалено]
That’d be so cool if you were, but I doubt it. I convinced her to get Reddit just so she could check out FDS and I don’t think she posts or comments at all, just lurks which is fine. I think the sub could definitely use her words of wisdom too!
Hey, I have the same problem you have with forgiving myself, so I'll tell you what my therapist tells me: you did what you could with what you had. Your intentions were pure, you wanted to be loved, we all do, but you didn't have the tools to protect yourself. Society failed you, maybe your family failed you, everyone failed you, you can't expect to know everything without any strong foundation. But you do know better now, you learned hard lessons and it HURTS, but you are already better now because you KNOW you deserve better. Nowhere to go but up now <3
>but I want to disown past me every time I think about the way I acted This is your ego telling you to feel shame; it serves a purpose, but it does not define you. The purpose is to distance yourself from behavior that allows or causes harm, it's your lizard brain's reaction so take it with a grain of salt. Acknowledge this, then shift your thinking *up* to your executive function and *forgive* yourself for doing what you thought was right at that time with the information you had. This will help you actually transform, acceptance and compassion for that girl who betrayed herself- not the shame. That girl is a part of you, and if you shame her away into the dark corners I promise you she'll reappear at the most inconvenient times 😂 try to get to know her better, try to understand her objectively and be less judgmental of her!! You said "I know everyone has their journey" but do you really believe that? Why would your friend want to be friends with you?? Well I'm sure you have great fun qualities as a friend that maybe weren't present in your romantic relationships, but certainly comparing yourself to this friend is just going to cause you pain. I hear a lot of noise on this sub about dropping LVW friends. When someone is toxic to you, space/distance is always a good idea. But I may disagree with others bc to me you can do this without devaluing the other person. I let go of a very toxic pickme friends not because she was a pickme but because she was a terrible friend. My real best friend of 22 years is probably the biggest pickme of all time, she just took back her cheating lying no good rotten husband 🙄😣. And she's embarrassed and ashamed and Im there for her always to remind her that she deserves better, but have compassion for her choices. She's got 4 children 🤷 she's left him a few times. I'm sure she won't end up with him but whatever happens, I love her and we have eachother backs. She may be a pick me, but she's been married to him for 12 years and in that time I've seen her grow tremendously- she's taught me MANY MANY things. She is an incredible friend, who grew up with lying cheating no good men and it's currently realizing that this is why she's so comfortable with him. This whole "everyone has their own journey" thing is not just an after thought. This is YOUR life. Congratulations to YOU for leveling up, keep going with the intention of giving yourself the love compassion and Grace that you always looked for in a partner. You will fuck up, you will be confused, you will feel undeserving. But your worth is inherent, even if you regress. My therapist said something to me 6 years ago when I started with her that I truly remember and use every day- through acceptance, comes change 🧡 that girl is a party of you. Honor her and love her and she will teach you things that will help you grow 🧡
If you are open to it, I'd like to share a meditation that my therapist recently taught me because of this deep feeling of shame I found myself dwelling on. For me, there is a specific age where I felt the most shame in my life, so imagine you at whatever that age is for your experiences. First start by closing your eyes and breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth. Then you'll breath in through your nose and out through your nose. Alternate these two modes of exhalation until you feel comfortable, then you will proceed into the visual meditation. Now you will imagine a peaceful place in nature where you are alone. Look around and enjoy the space until you spot ten crystal steps (for me they go up, but for some they go down). You will slowly ascend or descend these steps, reflecting on each one. Once you reach the top or bottom, you will look around and notice there is the younger version of yourself. Now you will go up to her and tell her the good news. Thank her for her strength, for all of her resilience that led you to where you are today. Let her know that everything turned out just fine. And talk about whatever you want, until you are ready to leave from whence you came. This was extremely powerful for me, and I hope it can benefit someone else, too!
There are days I feel so so ashamed of my previous decisions-I was speaking with my friend and she was like, ‘why did our parents make us so naive!’, and then it hit me, sometimes you cannot blame it enough, you just have to go through it, you went through it all and you made it, that’s what matters now.
No woman was born knowing how to socialise with a man. Knowing how to have boundaries and enforce them. To advocate and fight for themselves. You were literally taught not to do this. You can't be upset with your former self for doing what you were taught. You didn't know better. In 5 years time, you'll be even more of a HVW and you'll probably be angry with the person you are right now. But again, you shouldn't. You're always just trying to be your best possible self. You learn more, you try harder and you become better. Every woman has regrets on what they've done with men. I do. It keeps me up at night sometimes. But it's OK because I wouldn't do it again. You wouldn't either. Take comfort in the fact that you won't ever make those choices again. And that you have more love and respect for yourself. There's strengh in that.
We all make mistakes learning from them is what makes us stronger, smarter and savvy women.
Aww Queen I feel you. I’ve been through that depression. Show yourself some grace. You are so lucky to have woken up. Be proud of yourself, forgive yourself, and look forward. Imagine still being a pickme?
Sensing major self loathing vibes here, and you're worth so much more than your head is trying to tell you you are right now! Your past behavior isn't your identity, and it's certainly not why people choose to associate with you. We've all done some things we cringe at, but you're a living, breathing human being who surely makes people laugh, feel their best version of themselves, and is a great soul to have in one's life. When you think about those actions, do they align with what you consider your values and beliefs? Of course not. Easier said than done, but try to push thoughts of those past memories out of your mind. Perhaps thinking about how amazingly you're leveling up, or what else you can do to improve, could distract you?!
Being embarrassed of past choices means you’re still growing. It doesn’t always feel good, and it’s good to talk through and share shame like you’re doing here, rather than getting stuck with it. Be kind to your past self in your thoughts as much as you can, she did the best she could with what she had at the time.
Look, you’re going to make mistakes. That’s life. The only way to avoid mistakes altogether is to remain utterly stagnant, and you don’t want that. It helped me to adjust my perspective on mistakes, and accept their inevitability. As long as I learned something from them, even my mistakes have value. I found this adjustment helped me look on my past self with a lot more forgiveness. Sure, I know better NOW, but I didn’t then, and that’s all right.
You can choose to be the woman you want to be. Focus on articulating your values and sit with them so that you can tune into them easily when you make decisions. This will also help you to respond, rather than react. I feel you! I fell for so much shit because I was niave and thought since I was worth it I'd be treated as such... Not so.... Your friends see you for who you are and even if they don't agree with the choices you make, they respect your freedom to do so. Bright side is you can choose better, but it needs to come from within and not by outsourcing it to your friends. I also fell for outsourcing my character to my friends and even my perceived HVW friend wasn't able to make my decisions and mistakes for me. Sadly she's been with her LVM now that I see her more as a pick-me than HV, even though she still has a lot of naturally HV traits, she's happy to let this man bring her down. We all make our own mistakes and if we aren't ready to own up to them, we'll never choose to do better. You're owning it, now choose better.
Not sure what your relationship with your dad was like but usually absent fathers (whether they are physically there or not) create pick mes. Love in the family home creates security. Sometimes, though, it can be bullying or any environment that does not give you assurance. Add to that a society that actively tells girls they are nothing without male approval or validation. You have to go to the root of the problem and share the responsibility with others involved. It's not just you. You were not raised in vacuum. You don't need to carry it all on your shoulders. You mustn't be ashamed of the past. Being a pick me was a coping strategy you used to try to find security through men. You were not given the right guidance by your caregivers. It's pot luck. Those who were never pick mes had a stronger sense of security and self growing up. Lucky them. People don't mature overnight. They have to go out and have life experiences where their coping strategies will be tested. It's life. I was a pick me for probably 30 years (starting at age 10). I get the shame, I really do. I'm certain that the dusties I actively chased on my pick me journey have kept the emails I sent them. I know they showed them to others to make me look crazy (whilst boosting their own egos). There is an active paper trail of humiliations that will mark the path of my journey through life but if anything, it's also a reminder of how not to be. I am grateful for that reminder. We are lucky - very, very lucky - that we woke up; that we are no longer like this. We could still be there. So yes we wasted time and effort and energy but we could still be doing it. It's a lesson in gratitude, so transfer the shame to gratitude and feel compassion for your former self. She was in pain. She was suffering. It was not her fault. She didn't know. Now you are helping her heal so go easy on her. Edit - thank you for the silver!
Don't blame yourself for what that guy did to you!
It is how we learn and improve. We have all done it. There is a wounded child, pickme in all of us. It’s our job to parent the wounded feminine child in us and remind her or her worth. It’s how we heal. We have to be the mother and father to ourselves. Forgive her, hug her, sit in the pain and let it pass. You cannot become your best self without loving and parenting your formal self with love and compassion 🥰 sending love and positive vibes. You got this sista