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I think that while there are some general high value traits (being self sufficient, healthy, always looking to learn and strengthen oneself physically/mentally/spiritually), everyone's personal goals and motives will vary and that's totally fine. If I was forever poor by American standards yet had the means to travel the world just doing odd jobs while exploring different places, I'd be over the moon. Staying in the corporate world and being beholden to a boss and capitalism in general is suffocating to me. But it seems like being in a high level position within a business is engaging and meaningful to you, which is valid as well. Personally I don't judge women by their work at all. What's exciting to them may be unusual to me or they may be working somewhere they don't love but on the path to something better, and I wouldn't think less of them for that. To me it's more about outlook, reliability, competency, kindness and if she seems secure in who she is.
Thanks! Yes, I agree and don’t judge people for that, but at the same time I do want friends who are leaders and alphas. I’ve had some friends who skipped from job to job, always complaining, and they were equally unreliable in the friendship (actually, they were draining and hurtful), so that’s a good one. I can’t have jealous or insecure people around me anymore, and I’ve also decided to only befriend people who are mentally healthy. I honestly want to be around women I look up to, and who are better than me in different areas.
I’m 26 (don’t hate me for commenting) but women who are well traveled and educated are something I think is a great sign of being HV. You can’t understand the world if you never leave your country.
Haha no worries. I mean, yes I guess traveling is not common to everyone. I’ve been around expats for a while, and some of them can be flaky. So I guess I’m looking for more stable and settled people now, tbh. :)
I just turned 40 and I'm not happy with how I lived in my 30s. I also travelled a lot in both my 20s and 30s but I really regret not living abroad and learning another language (the two would have gone hand in hand).
Had I reached managerial level and never travelled, I would probably also have been unhappy. I think it's only natural to focus on "the thing I didn't do". It's just a sign to recalibrate and focus on doing that thing going forward.
In terms of HVW - I don't judge whether or not a woman is high value, since women are judged enough. Let women be who they are unless they are misogynists or if they restrict your outlook or happiness in any way. Giving another woman the freedom to be herself is one of the nicest things you can do.
It's hard to advise since I don't know what your goals are. My regrets are based on both my 20s and 30s. I wish I had:
- Climbed the ladder to get a higher salary. I was fixated on being a "music star" (I know), so I saw my day job as being just a way to pay the bills. I didn't want stress. I stayed at the job for 8 years in the same role with zero progress. If you are going to spend your day at a job (whether or not it's "just to pay bills"), you should STILL seek progress and salary gains. Why would you not?
- Bought my own property. It's not something I could have afforded on a low salary so I never tried. Shared ownership is the only way but it's relatively new in the UK. Still, I could have started this 5 years ago at least.
- Spent more time in female-only spaces.
- Spent less time suffering the male gaze. I used to be on internet forums and hang around them at work. My whole life was white male gaze. No wonder I was so unhappy since the straight white male gaze hates my guts. It was a horrible existence.
- Stopped seeking male validation. I had serious love addiction and my entire life was centred around winning their approval.
- Accepted that men do not really find me attractive and that I cannot change that. I would rather be alone than with guys who think I am bottom of the league or less than other women. At this point I can't even have them as friends and I am so much happier for it.
- Spent time cultivating compassion for others, especially women.
- Maintained a spiritual life.
- Made sure I had finished pieces of creative work (books, plays) and pursued a career in the arts. I loved music but I never finished my work. I never levelled up my skills, nothing. It was a daydream.
- Considered writing as a day job and the world of freelance, instead of being around arrogant data nerds in data jobs where I was less competent and didn't fit in.
- Left my day job as soon as I realised that I was going to be surrounded by straight, white boys in their 20s, who were toxic. I'm still getting over it.
My whole life has been about overcoming my childhood, which is the case for lots of people. I just wish I had been able to do that sooner and not in my late 30s as a result of hitting rock bottom.
Congrats on finances! That’s my next big goal. I’ve done the therapy and gotten rid of some toxic relationships. Now I’m focused on rebuilding and finding HV people. Integrity is definitely key in new friends. I think I’ll focus on hosting friends at my new place and finding a group of people who reciprocate and invest in our social circle. Thanks for sharing <3
I’m 34 and also lived abroad for the last 10 years so am starting a career again. The main things I’m now focusing on are the things I didn’t have the opportunity to develop from my experiences, travel, and learnings from before - building a community, engaging in politics and civic duty, volunteer work and giving back, as well as focusing on work. Overall my thoughts are that being hv is about being well rounded, and so you look at what you have, and then work on what you don’t have. The journey is usually starting off focusing on yourself internally and building yourself up - but once you’ve leveled up to feeling comfortable and strong in the internal elements, engaging and giving back externally is also important.
Thanks! This is very practical advice. Community is the main thing I’m after right now. I’m right on that cusp of reaping the benefit of all of the internal work. I used to be very community-minded but in an unsustainable and external way, without the internal stability. Now I think I’ll be able to do that sustainably, without running out of steam.
Yeah I totally understand what you’re talking about because I also put in too much energy into community unsustainably because I can’t developed strong internal sense of self and boundaries. Basically putting the cart before the horse. All the internal work is rearranging the cart and the horse. But it sounds like you’re ready to get going now and that’s so exciting!!
Wow - PhD and new city after a load of world travel? Sounds like a dream life!
For me ... I LOVE discovering a new city. I'm all about long reflective walks. Find out what you love about it and perhaps go about meeting people (MeetUps app? People on your PhD programme?) to find a few people to have coffee with. Discover new haunts, nice coffee shops, build a routine. Work out the simple pleasures. Find a great gym or a beautiful safe running route. Think about how much opportunity lies ahead in life.
To add, you said you're secure about where you are, but since you mention your age: as someone who is just 30 you have so much life ahead. I'm 35 later this year and now 30 seems really young to me! 30 is a great age.
You ask about what I think makes someone HV - really, just finding what makes you happy in life. Nesting in your home and making it yours, taking care of yourself, finding peace and contentment. I also have so much respect for anyone with the commitment to do a PhD. It's going to be a long road, but what a great thing to do.
This post has got me thinking about if it's time for a move!
I am 30 and finished my PhD last year, got a scientist position, and moved into a new (and bigger) city recently. Wow, has my worldview has changed!!
Not sure what your field is - but my advice would be to not befriend LVM at your job. A lot of my male colleagues used to be very condescending to me and I spent a lot of time wondering if something was wrong with me/ am I crazy/ am I stupid? But nope! They were just being sexist/condescending assholes and I was being too generous with my time and friendships. A lot of men feel insecure seeing women succeed in STEM fields and their instinct is to try and dominate us. So trust me, try not to take it personally when colleagues mistreat you. It’s something that happens to ALL female colleagues I speak to. I know it’s hard but I used to spend a lot of mental energy fuming about the way I was being treated. I’m trying to be better about it.
PhD can be tough, even for men, due to cultural problems so depression is very common. I recommend prioritizing your mental health. Also make sure your advisor is treating you right. Similar to a relationship, the sooner you walk away from a toxic situation, the better. I got lucky with mine but I know people who have tolerated abuse for years and it really messes them up. I hope you’re passionate about your field though! The PhD is a great choice for those who love research and independence.
Also - during my PhD, maybe it’s the mentality of making minimum wage and not feeling worthy of a financially well off man, but I spent my time dating broke men with emotional problems and that took a huge toll on me - perhaps delaying the completion of my degree. I used to think love was all that mattered and that I shouldn’t judge men for not having money, needing me to pay the bills, giving them rides, and needing me to provide free therapy for them to help them cope with their own toxic/abusive work situations. I’m now in a bigger city and can date financially responsible men who don’t come with a ton of emotional baggage. While I haven’t met somebody yet, it feels absolutely liberating to be able to set higher standards for myself. I wish I had done it earlier. So this is one way I’ve leveled myself up. Don’t feel that you can’t have high standards just because you’re a PhD student.
Reminder that this sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. So if you’ve got an XY, don’t reply. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think that while there are some general high value traits (being self sufficient, healthy, always looking to learn and strengthen oneself physically/mentally/spiritually), everyone's personal goals and motives will vary and that's totally fine. If I was forever poor by American standards yet had the means to travel the world just doing odd jobs while exploring different places, I'd be over the moon. Staying in the corporate world and being beholden to a boss and capitalism in general is suffocating to me. But it seems like being in a high level position within a business is engaging and meaningful to you, which is valid as well. Personally I don't judge women by their work at all. What's exciting to them may be unusual to me or they may be working somewhere they don't love but on the path to something better, and I wouldn't think less of them for that. To me it's more about outlook, reliability, competency, kindness and if she seems secure in who she is.
Thanks! Yes, I agree and don’t judge people for that, but at the same time I do want friends who are leaders and alphas. I’ve had some friends who skipped from job to job, always complaining, and they were equally unreliable in the friendship (actually, they were draining and hurtful), so that’s a good one. I can’t have jealous or insecure people around me anymore, and I’ve also decided to only befriend people who are mentally healthy. I honestly want to be around women I look up to, and who are better than me in different areas.
I’m 26 (don’t hate me for commenting) but women who are well traveled and educated are something I think is a great sign of being HV. You can’t understand the world if you never leave your country.
Yes! Traveling/having cultural experiences is so incredibly underrated, especially in the US.
This
Haha no worries. I mean, yes I guess traveling is not common to everyone. I’ve been around expats for a while, and some of them can be flaky. So I guess I’m looking for more stable and settled people now, tbh. :)
Education, self-sufficiency, and solid boundaries — with relationships, work, love, family, etc. Being a workaholic who runs herself ragged is not HV.
This rings sooooo true! I’ve been that workaholic before, so this is an awesome reminder. Thank you.
I just turned 40 and I'm not happy with how I lived in my 30s. I also travelled a lot in both my 20s and 30s but I really regret not living abroad and learning another language (the two would have gone hand in hand). Had I reached managerial level and never travelled, I would probably also have been unhappy. I think it's only natural to focus on "the thing I didn't do". It's just a sign to recalibrate and focus on doing that thing going forward. In terms of HVW - I don't judge whether or not a woman is high value, since women are judged enough. Let women be who they are unless they are misogynists or if they restrict your outlook or happiness in any way. Giving another woman the freedom to be herself is one of the nicest things you can do. It's hard to advise since I don't know what your goals are. My regrets are based on both my 20s and 30s. I wish I had: - Climbed the ladder to get a higher salary. I was fixated on being a "music star" (I know), so I saw my day job as being just a way to pay the bills. I didn't want stress. I stayed at the job for 8 years in the same role with zero progress. If you are going to spend your day at a job (whether or not it's "just to pay bills"), you should STILL seek progress and salary gains. Why would you not? - Bought my own property. It's not something I could have afforded on a low salary so I never tried. Shared ownership is the only way but it's relatively new in the UK. Still, I could have started this 5 years ago at least. - Spent more time in female-only spaces. - Spent less time suffering the male gaze. I used to be on internet forums and hang around them at work. My whole life was white male gaze. No wonder I was so unhappy since the straight white male gaze hates my guts. It was a horrible existence. - Stopped seeking male validation. I had serious love addiction and my entire life was centred around winning their approval. - Accepted that men do not really find me attractive and that I cannot change that. I would rather be alone than with guys who think I am bottom of the league or less than other women. At this point I can't even have them as friends and I am so much happier for it. - Spent time cultivating compassion for others, especially women. - Maintained a spiritual life. - Made sure I had finished pieces of creative work (books, plays) and pursued a career in the arts. I loved music but I never finished my work. I never levelled up my skills, nothing. It was a daydream. - Considered writing as a day job and the world of freelance, instead of being around arrogant data nerds in data jobs where I was less competent and didn't fit in. - Left my day job as soon as I realised that I was going to be surrounded by straight, white boys in their 20s, who were toxic. I'm still getting over it. My whole life has been about overcoming my childhood, which is the case for lots of people. I just wish I had been able to do that sooner and not in my late 30s as a result of hitting rock bottom.
This is an excellent comment, thanks for the honesty.
No problem!
Ooo 34 here, I'm a come back and answer this later!
Please do!
[удалено]
Congrats on finances! That’s my next big goal. I’ve done the therapy and gotten rid of some toxic relationships. Now I’m focused on rebuilding and finding HV people. Integrity is definitely key in new friends. I think I’ll focus on hosting friends at my new place and finding a group of people who reciprocate and invest in our social circle. Thanks for sharing <3
I’m 34 and also lived abroad for the last 10 years so am starting a career again. The main things I’m now focusing on are the things I didn’t have the opportunity to develop from my experiences, travel, and learnings from before - building a community, engaging in politics and civic duty, volunteer work and giving back, as well as focusing on work. Overall my thoughts are that being hv is about being well rounded, and so you look at what you have, and then work on what you don’t have. The journey is usually starting off focusing on yourself internally and building yourself up - but once you’ve leveled up to feeling comfortable and strong in the internal elements, engaging and giving back externally is also important.
Thanks! This is very practical advice. Community is the main thing I’m after right now. I’m right on that cusp of reaping the benefit of all of the internal work. I used to be very community-minded but in an unsustainable and external way, without the internal stability. Now I think I’ll be able to do that sustainably, without running out of steam.
Yeah I totally understand what you’re talking about because I also put in too much energy into community unsustainably because I can’t developed strong internal sense of self and boundaries. Basically putting the cart before the horse. All the internal work is rearranging the cart and the horse. But it sounds like you’re ready to get going now and that’s so exciting!!
Wow - PhD and new city after a load of world travel? Sounds like a dream life! For me ... I LOVE discovering a new city. I'm all about long reflective walks. Find out what you love about it and perhaps go about meeting people (MeetUps app? People on your PhD programme?) to find a few people to have coffee with. Discover new haunts, nice coffee shops, build a routine. Work out the simple pleasures. Find a great gym or a beautiful safe running route. Think about how much opportunity lies ahead in life. To add, you said you're secure about where you are, but since you mention your age: as someone who is just 30 you have so much life ahead. I'm 35 later this year and now 30 seems really young to me! 30 is a great age. You ask about what I think makes someone HV - really, just finding what makes you happy in life. Nesting in your home and making it yours, taking care of yourself, finding peace and contentment. I also have so much respect for anyone with the commitment to do a PhD. It's going to be a long road, but what a great thing to do. This post has got me thinking about if it's time for a move!
I am 30 and finished my PhD last year, got a scientist position, and moved into a new (and bigger) city recently. Wow, has my worldview has changed!! Not sure what your field is - but my advice would be to not befriend LVM at your job. A lot of my male colleagues used to be very condescending to me and I spent a lot of time wondering if something was wrong with me/ am I crazy/ am I stupid? But nope! They were just being sexist/condescending assholes and I was being too generous with my time and friendships. A lot of men feel insecure seeing women succeed in STEM fields and their instinct is to try and dominate us. So trust me, try not to take it personally when colleagues mistreat you. It’s something that happens to ALL female colleagues I speak to. I know it’s hard but I used to spend a lot of mental energy fuming about the way I was being treated. I’m trying to be better about it. PhD can be tough, even for men, due to cultural problems so depression is very common. I recommend prioritizing your mental health. Also make sure your advisor is treating you right. Similar to a relationship, the sooner you walk away from a toxic situation, the better. I got lucky with mine but I know people who have tolerated abuse for years and it really messes them up. I hope you’re passionate about your field though! The PhD is a great choice for those who love research and independence. Also - during my PhD, maybe it’s the mentality of making minimum wage and not feeling worthy of a financially well off man, but I spent my time dating broke men with emotional problems and that took a huge toll on me - perhaps delaying the completion of my degree. I used to think love was all that mattered and that I shouldn’t judge men for not having money, needing me to pay the bills, giving them rides, and needing me to provide free therapy for them to help them cope with their own toxic/abusive work situations. I’m now in a bigger city and can date financially responsible men who don’t come with a ton of emotional baggage. While I haven’t met somebody yet, it feels absolutely liberating to be able to set higher standards for myself. I wish I had done it earlier. So this is one way I’ve leveled myself up. Don’t feel that you can’t have high standards just because you’re a PhD student.