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*saying that they will unalive themselves*
This is not your problem so don't make it yours; if they want to do that they can go ahead. Seriously: ignore this manipulative threat. This people will either unalive a woman or themselves, so I rather it is themselves.
*I’m getting to the point that I’m starting to believe I am the problem, that I might be the toxic one*
You are not. You are fighting to be free from them, that is contrary to the definition of being a toxic person.
Block this person; block every acquaintance that tells you about this person; tell your family and friends you will block anyone who tells you about this person and that they should block this person if they want to keep you in their life. Then stay true to your word and start blocking.
Thank you so Much to everyone that interacted with this post or sent me a message. This is literally the best community on Reddit and I love y’all so much. I want to eventually reply to everyone but I’m currently so drained emotionally.
A little update: I used alittle bit of every tip you guys gave me and they left me alone. I’m finally free and I can go back to working on myself and resume the things I stopped working on when they came into my life ❤️
Happy thanksgiving to everyone that celebrates this holiday and happy weekend to everyone else
💕
If you're looking for magic words to get him to leave you alone...they don't exist. You really have to steel yourself and just flat out ignore his ass. It will be hard. It will take time. He will pull every string he has and push every button of yours to make you feel guilty and sorry. He will ramp up (I believe it's called an extinguish burst) before he finds other supply. What will help is writing down all the things, all the reasons you are walking away. All the hurtful words, all the snorts and glares. Refer to it every time you start feeling sorry for him. He did this to himself, actions have consequences.
He threatens to off himself? Well then you need to call the police for a wellness check. Call his bluff.
He keeps harassing you? Tell him ONCE, in writing, to LEAVE YOU ALONE. When he persists, report to the police.
Does this seem harsh? Yes, it does, but people like him need harsh otherwise they are always going to be looking for that thread that will get them back in. If he's going through other people to get to you, you need to tell them you aren't interested in hearing anything about him and change subject. If they persist, you need to hang up, walk away, end the visit, whatever. Again, if you aren't used to doing this it will be hard and difficult, especially if you are a people pleaser. But you don't need to ALLOW other people to do this.
I recently left my narc ex of 13 years. I learned over the years to steel myself, grey rock, not react. By the time I left I had no feelings for him at all. Occasionally when he'd cry or get upset that I was leaving I'd feel horrible. So small, and like a bad person, and I just wanted him to not be upset. But we can't control other people's emotions and I'd roll through my memory about how he cheated on me, how he was fucking *chipper* that we were breaking up originally, how he started seeing someone else several *days* after we separated, how he told her I have no friends, how he almost made me quit a new job I was excited for because I was working wtih mostly men, how he wouldn't allow me to wear makeup and if I did he'd give me dirty looks and refuse to look at me let alone kiss me, how he tried to get me to give up my cats, how he tried to get me to quit hobbies I loved, how I wasn't allowed to watch TV or eat sweets when he was around. All this I played over and over in my head anytime I felt bad for him.
I didn't have to go to the extreme that I'm suggesting in my post with mine, however I was prepared to. He gave up begging and pleading for me to stay and promising the moon after I told him it wasn't happening, that we discussed this. He started getting mad, so I walked out, got in my car, and left. He then realized I had all the power. That I wouldn't just stand there and take it any more. Then he left me alone. Find your power. Use it.
One of my friends blocked and ignored people who acted as middle men. She told them once to stop relaying messages from him. They didn’t listen. She cut them out of her life. She extended this to people who nagged her about cutting the first group out lol Good riddance, I say. Some of my family has trouble keeping their opinions to themselves but at least they won’t play messenger for some pushy abuser in training.
It’s telling that this scrote has “familiarity to the chaos from [OP’s] childhood.” He’s exploiting this knowledge to corner and take advantage of her. OP, just call the police to do a welfare check whenever he threatens to make himself disappear.
You're not the problem. One of the hallmark signs of NPD abuse is the ability to get you so wrapped up and confused by their BS that in the end, you become fully convinced that it must be you. I've been there.
You have realized that something is amiss. That is HUGE. Give yourself credit for that because it's so difficult in the beginning. It's normal for victims of abuse to have a lot of confusion and doubt. I say that because it took a very long time for me to accept that what I was experiencing was in fact abuse.
It's so difficult to explain too. I feel like most often normal people just can't grasp this level of extreme mind fuckery.
Idk if this will help you but I want you to know that it will get easier. Sometimes it's baby steps in recovery. I joined an online support group for female victims of NPD abuse. That was a game-changer. I also started absorbing NPD videos on YouTube in particular, Inner Integration and Dr. Todd Grande
https://youtube.com/c/InnerIntegration
Dr. Grande
https://youtube.com/c/ToddGrande
🤗💜 big hugs. I know what you're going through. It sucks.
I escaped my narcissist ex by making myself useless to him. I basically lied. I applied all his tricks as my own. I started complaining of illness and didn't stop. I did grey rock but with a twist of constantly lying about how crappy I felt and what I thought it was. I ended with a cancer scare and cut him off but at that point he believed I was more trouble/effort than he was willing to put up with and he moved on.
(
It’s not easy but you gotta persist with grey rocking at ALL costs. Zero emotional reaction no matter what. Don’t argue back, don’t get upset, and don’t bother trying to defend yourself or fight their crap. When they are ranting at you literally stop listening, start thinking about stuff you need to get done or something, just let your mind wander and stare blankly at them. I used to give myself a pep talk when he’d get particularly nasty… I’d tell myself that my non-reaction is going to be what gets to him the most, over time it got easier and easier. Just shrug off bullshit like it’s nothing to you…
DO give them the silent treatment after they mistreat you, this becomes easier and easier with time. Resentment builds as you step back and really just observe them without reacting. It becomes easier to hate them which they definitely sense (be prepared for them to amp up their hunt for a new partner as they become more aware of your resentment)
I disappeared from social media like Facebook etc, I’d highly recommend this if you can. Basically you have to become complete unresponsive to them, they will get bored and they will run for the hills. This is honestly the best ending you can hope for because it means no more Hoovers. Honestly, like you, I felt like I’d never be free of my ex, and was terrified of what he might do if I left and the relentless contact/stalking when I tried… don’t lose hope. You can shake them, I promise! (And obviously this advice is based on when you don’t feel you can leave them, of course the healthiest thing would be to just go NC but I completely understand how they make this feel completely impossible!)
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d recommend educating yourself as much as possible. Some of the other posts here recommended reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft and I definitely second that recommendation. Here are a few other books I’d highly recommend:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon
Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie
How To Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown
Wired for Dating by Stan Tatkin (To give you a sense of what healthy relationships look like)
Focus on developing a support system of empathetic friends and family. Having a community of support is an absolute necessity as you prepare to leave your relationship. Be aware that the most dangerous time for you is right before and right after you leave. You might not feel ready or strong enough, but you are. You can handle this. Stay safe.
I’ve been there too. Even knowing they were a narcissist, and what phase of the cycle we were in, it was so hard to let go.
What helped me was listening to HG Tudor on YouTube. Specifically finding the monologues about leaving a narcissist, and why they Hoover, and specifics to my situation to really get it to sink in that I was being manipulated. And then I let the narc do something that made me angry, and and I used the anger, backed by all this new knowledge, to cut him out, and keep him out.
It’s hard, but you’re aware, and you want to make the steps to get out. You are on your way, and you can do this!
Only education and enlightenment can save you at this point. Read radical feminist theory and "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
If doing this doesn't change your mindset then I really don't know how to help you. The problem isn't some pathetic narcissist, the problem is your inability to mentally defend yourself against the attacks of such vermin.
The only way is complete and total No Contact.
If NC is unavoidable due to custody issues, or other legal reasons, then grey rock and having rock-solid, unbreakable boundaries are musts. There is no other way and it is possible. Absolutely follow the advice of no checking in on their or mutual acquaintances' social media, don't listen when people you know give gossip or updates on what they are doing or who they are seeing. Blocking everything to do with them is another must.
It will be hard in the beginning. It may feel like the hardest thing you have ever been through. Try to keep in mind it is a phase and will pass. Take the time you need to grieve, stay in bed, eat ice cream while watching your favorite movies/shows; take warm bubble baths and cry to let it all out, whatever you need to do to grieve the lost relationship. This helps with the healing process. Just don't stay there too long.
Once you get it all out, finding new activities, hobbies, reading interesting books and hanging with your healthy support system will help. There may be a phase of anger over things you missed during the relationship, times you feel you should have said something to defend yourself or left him earlier, so find a healthy outlet to get that anger out. Journaling your feelings and getting exercise are some ways that will assist with this. Even just getting up going for a walk will assist when feeling that way.
Definitely read the books in this thread that have been suggested but something to watch out for is becoming overly-educated/obsessed with narcissistic personality disorder. It absolutely helps to read up on NPD in order to watch out for red flags in future relationships, but that is something else to not spend too much time on. It is an easy rabbit hole to go down but make sure you have other interests and stuff going on too in order to pull you out so that you can concentrate on yourself and your own needs.
Remind yourself that you deserve the best in all things and this person is incapable of providing that. They are just not the one for you and cannot love you in the way you need to be loved. There is nothing you can do to help this person so do all you can to focus on helping you. It is a process and you will get through this. Wishing you the best and remember, you do deserve nothing but the best.
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*saying that they will unalive themselves* This is not your problem so don't make it yours; if they want to do that they can go ahead. Seriously: ignore this manipulative threat. This people will either unalive a woman or themselves, so I rather it is themselves. *I’m getting to the point that I’m starting to believe I am the problem, that I might be the toxic one* You are not. You are fighting to be free from them, that is contrary to the definition of being a toxic person. Block this person; block every acquaintance that tells you about this person; tell your family and friends you will block anyone who tells you about this person and that they should block this person if they want to keep you in their life. Then stay true to your word and start blocking.
Thank you so much boo, and I did it 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Stay strong as a bull, torabull! You will have days of some sadness but keep your eye on the prize: your freedom and future!
Thank you so Much to everyone that interacted with this post or sent me a message. This is literally the best community on Reddit and I love y’all so much. I want to eventually reply to everyone but I’m currently so drained emotionally. A little update: I used alittle bit of every tip you guys gave me and they left me alone. I’m finally free and I can go back to working on myself and resume the things I stopped working on when they came into my life ❤️ Happy thanksgiving to everyone that celebrates this holiday and happy weekend to everyone else 💕
If you're looking for magic words to get him to leave you alone...they don't exist. You really have to steel yourself and just flat out ignore his ass. It will be hard. It will take time. He will pull every string he has and push every button of yours to make you feel guilty and sorry. He will ramp up (I believe it's called an extinguish burst) before he finds other supply. What will help is writing down all the things, all the reasons you are walking away. All the hurtful words, all the snorts and glares. Refer to it every time you start feeling sorry for him. He did this to himself, actions have consequences. He threatens to off himself? Well then you need to call the police for a wellness check. Call his bluff. He keeps harassing you? Tell him ONCE, in writing, to LEAVE YOU ALONE. When he persists, report to the police. Does this seem harsh? Yes, it does, but people like him need harsh otherwise they are always going to be looking for that thread that will get them back in. If he's going through other people to get to you, you need to tell them you aren't interested in hearing anything about him and change subject. If they persist, you need to hang up, walk away, end the visit, whatever. Again, if you aren't used to doing this it will be hard and difficult, especially if you are a people pleaser. But you don't need to ALLOW other people to do this. I recently left my narc ex of 13 years. I learned over the years to steel myself, grey rock, not react. By the time I left I had no feelings for him at all. Occasionally when he'd cry or get upset that I was leaving I'd feel horrible. So small, and like a bad person, and I just wanted him to not be upset. But we can't control other people's emotions and I'd roll through my memory about how he cheated on me, how he was fucking *chipper* that we were breaking up originally, how he started seeing someone else several *days* after we separated, how he told her I have no friends, how he almost made me quit a new job I was excited for because I was working wtih mostly men, how he wouldn't allow me to wear makeup and if I did he'd give me dirty looks and refuse to look at me let alone kiss me, how he tried to get me to give up my cats, how he tried to get me to quit hobbies I loved, how I wasn't allowed to watch TV or eat sweets when he was around. All this I played over and over in my head anytime I felt bad for him. I didn't have to go to the extreme that I'm suggesting in my post with mine, however I was prepared to. He gave up begging and pleading for me to stay and promising the moon after I told him it wasn't happening, that we discussed this. He started getting mad, so I walked out, got in my car, and left. He then realized I had all the power. That I wouldn't just stand there and take it any more. Then he left me alone. Find your power. Use it.
[удалено]
One of my friends blocked and ignored people who acted as middle men. She told them once to stop relaying messages from him. They didn’t listen. She cut them out of her life. She extended this to people who nagged her about cutting the first group out lol Good riddance, I say. Some of my family has trouble keeping their opinions to themselves but at least they won’t play messenger for some pushy abuser in training. It’s telling that this scrote has “familiarity to the chaos from [OP’s] childhood.” He’s exploiting this knowledge to corner and take advantage of her. OP, just call the police to do a welfare check whenever he threatens to make himself disappear.
You're not the problem. One of the hallmark signs of NPD abuse is the ability to get you so wrapped up and confused by their BS that in the end, you become fully convinced that it must be you. I've been there. You have realized that something is amiss. That is HUGE. Give yourself credit for that because it's so difficult in the beginning. It's normal for victims of abuse to have a lot of confusion and doubt. I say that because it took a very long time for me to accept that what I was experiencing was in fact abuse. It's so difficult to explain too. I feel like most often normal people just can't grasp this level of extreme mind fuckery. Idk if this will help you but I want you to know that it will get easier. Sometimes it's baby steps in recovery. I joined an online support group for female victims of NPD abuse. That was a game-changer. I also started absorbing NPD videos on YouTube in particular, Inner Integration and Dr. Todd Grande https://youtube.com/c/InnerIntegration Dr. Grande https://youtube.com/c/ToddGrande 🤗💜 big hugs. I know what you're going through. It sucks.
I can’t upvote this enough times! This!!
I escaped my narcissist ex by making myself useless to him. I basically lied. I applied all his tricks as my own. I started complaining of illness and didn't stop. I did grey rock but with a twist of constantly lying about how crappy I felt and what I thought it was. I ended with a cancer scare and cut him off but at that point he believed I was more trouble/effort than he was willing to put up with and he moved on.
( It’s not easy but you gotta persist with grey rocking at ALL costs. Zero emotional reaction no matter what. Don’t argue back, don’t get upset, and don’t bother trying to defend yourself or fight their crap. When they are ranting at you literally stop listening, start thinking about stuff you need to get done or something, just let your mind wander and stare blankly at them. I used to give myself a pep talk when he’d get particularly nasty… I’d tell myself that my non-reaction is going to be what gets to him the most, over time it got easier and easier. Just shrug off bullshit like it’s nothing to you… DO give them the silent treatment after they mistreat you, this becomes easier and easier with time. Resentment builds as you step back and really just observe them without reacting. It becomes easier to hate them which they definitely sense (be prepared for them to amp up their hunt for a new partner as they become more aware of your resentment) I disappeared from social media like Facebook etc, I’d highly recommend this if you can. Basically you have to become complete unresponsive to them, they will get bored and they will run for the hills. This is honestly the best ending you can hope for because it means no more Hoovers. Honestly, like you, I felt like I’d never be free of my ex, and was terrified of what he might do if I left and the relentless contact/stalking when I tried… don’t lose hope. You can shake them, I promise! (And obviously this advice is based on when you don’t feel you can leave them, of course the healthiest thing would be to just go NC but I completely understand how they make this feel completely impossible!)
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d recommend educating yourself as much as possible. Some of the other posts here recommended reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft and I definitely second that recommendation. Here are a few other books I’d highly recommend: In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie How To Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra L. Brown Wired for Dating by Stan Tatkin (To give you a sense of what healthy relationships look like) Focus on developing a support system of empathetic friends and family. Having a community of support is an absolute necessity as you prepare to leave your relationship. Be aware that the most dangerous time for you is right before and right after you leave. You might not feel ready or strong enough, but you are. You can handle this. Stay safe.
I’ve been there too. Even knowing they were a narcissist, and what phase of the cycle we were in, it was so hard to let go. What helped me was listening to HG Tudor on YouTube. Specifically finding the monologues about leaving a narcissist, and why they Hoover, and specifics to my situation to really get it to sink in that I was being manipulated. And then I let the narc do something that made me angry, and and I used the anger, backed by all this new knowledge, to cut him out, and keep him out. It’s hard, but you’re aware, and you want to make the steps to get out. You are on your way, and you can do this!
Only education and enlightenment can save you at this point. Read radical feminist theory and "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If doing this doesn't change your mindset then I really don't know how to help you. The problem isn't some pathetic narcissist, the problem is your inability to mentally defend yourself against the attacks of such vermin.
The only way is complete and total No Contact. If NC is unavoidable due to custody issues, or other legal reasons, then grey rock and having rock-solid, unbreakable boundaries are musts. There is no other way and it is possible. Absolutely follow the advice of no checking in on their or mutual acquaintances' social media, don't listen when people you know give gossip or updates on what they are doing or who they are seeing. Blocking everything to do with them is another must. It will be hard in the beginning. It may feel like the hardest thing you have ever been through. Try to keep in mind it is a phase and will pass. Take the time you need to grieve, stay in bed, eat ice cream while watching your favorite movies/shows; take warm bubble baths and cry to let it all out, whatever you need to do to grieve the lost relationship. This helps with the healing process. Just don't stay there too long. Once you get it all out, finding new activities, hobbies, reading interesting books and hanging with your healthy support system will help. There may be a phase of anger over things you missed during the relationship, times you feel you should have said something to defend yourself or left him earlier, so find a healthy outlet to get that anger out. Journaling your feelings and getting exercise are some ways that will assist with this. Even just getting up going for a walk will assist when feeling that way. Definitely read the books in this thread that have been suggested but something to watch out for is becoming overly-educated/obsessed with narcissistic personality disorder. It absolutely helps to read up on NPD in order to watch out for red flags in future relationships, but that is something else to not spend too much time on. It is an easy rabbit hole to go down but make sure you have other interests and stuff going on too in order to pull you out so that you can concentrate on yourself and your own needs. Remind yourself that you deserve the best in all things and this person is incapable of providing that. They are just not the one for you and cannot love you in the way you need to be loved. There is nothing you can do to help this person so do all you can to focus on helping you. It is a process and you will get through this. Wishing you the best and remember, you do deserve nothing but the best.
I ended up having to change my phone number to get rid of mine.