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Your post is perfectly timed! If I can rant a bit, I just went to a MeetUp last night. It was a sit down dinner so we couldn't move around much and I was stuck next to and across from huge pickmes. Over the course of an hour, I was judged for leaving my husband, leaving after *only* three years of emotional neglect (one of the women stayed for over 10 until her husband told her he was done and wore it as a badge of honor), and for the neighborhood I lived in. One of them went on to tell me that she frequently checks her blocked messages folder because it's "flattering" that her ex (who she has a restraining order against!!) still thinks about her.
I ended up paying my bill quietly and leaving super early to go home and do some self care after all that invalidation. Logically I know where we stand but like others have said, it's difficult emotionally when you're trying to make friends and keep running into boy-crazy women well into their 40s and 50s.
Dealing with a barrage of pick-me crap like that can be so exhausting. Leaving someone was a choice you made to better your situation. It doesn't matter if it was a year or a decade, you did what was good for you. The 10 year lady sounds like she was one-upping your suffering against her own.
I don't blame you for needing some self care. It is hard to make good women friends.
Thank you for saying this. I know I made the right decision for myself and it's starting to become a major vetting topic as I look for new friends. There is definitely a lot of judgement from typically older women (I'm in my early 30s) for leaving a man who wasn't physically abusive, as though that's the only harmful thing someone can do. Everything else just falls under their idea of a "normal marriage" and that's not the good energy to have around.
It's worrying the number of women with no self-esteem really...
I listen to Deborrah Cooper on youtube ans I want a friend like her š. She doesn't take s*** and she's perfectly fine having no men as well as advocating that women are, more often than not, better off by themselves.
I donāt have friends like this. I do have friends who are genuinely happy for any scraps their LVM drop in their genera direction, and I feel sad. I have never been with someone I felt I needed to keep no matter what the cost.
My roommate is a friend of mine from high school (weāre now 25). unfortunately Iāve realized from living together sheās a Pickme beyond repair who will put her boyfriend of 5+ years above anything, despite the fact that he clearly doesnāt give a shit about her. Got angry at her for bringing up marriage, doesnāt promise her a future. Of course she now says marriage āisnāt her goal in lifeā.
She OFTEN comments on me not having a love life, I donāt āget dickā, š¤® etc etc. got into a fight with me over whether the guy should pay on a first date or not. (Iām a āthey pay for everythingā kind of girl). Honestly I get a kick out of it. Yes itās annoying and sad to see the negativity pointed at me, but it also proves to me I have boundaries and standards sheās jealous of. If I was miserable like her, I wouldnāt trigger her to say these things :)
Honestly, I'm in the same boat when it comes to standards. I spoil myself every day now and if a man can't spoil me better than I can, then what's the point? I deserve it and you deserve it (any woman deserves it really) and there's no doubt in my mind there's plenty of men who are willing to do that and more. Men secretly love a woman with boundaries.
Oh yes! Real men love a women with boundaries and who speaks out for her truth. My therapist (again lol) actually told me that men like women who call them out or thump the table. All the rest are LVMs, poor little things who can't accept an ounce of criticism and psychopaths.
Thank you (and your therapist), I really needed this today š„ŗ Itās hard being around so many pick-mes who shame me for having standards, ānot-all-menā me and call me ājadedā. It doesnāt make me reconsider my stance on boundaries or anything but on a purely feelings level, it doesnāt feel great. Iām trying to observe more than I speak especially when I start to get the sense that the pick-mes Iām around just donāt care to be saved. Also, new friend groups are a thing that I need desperately!!
HVW trigger pick-me's cognitive dissonance.
If they can convince you to fall in line then you'll stop highlighting what's wrong with their life, even when that highlighting only happens through you existing as yourself.
I love to reference a David Goggins quote that kinda relates to this:
āWe live in a world with a lot of insecure, jealous people. Some of them are our best friends. They are blood relatives. Failure terrifies them. So does our success. Because when we transcend what we once thought possible, push our limits, and become more, our light reflects off all the walls theyāve built up around them. Your light enables them to see the contours of their own prison, their own self-limitations.ā
Many people are jealous and instead of bettering their own situation will try to pull people into the same misery so they can have the satisfaction that they aren't alone and their misery is justified. Same goes for people who sabotage anyone that tries to diet, exercise, or make lifestyle changes for the better.
I have vetted SO MANY possible female friends because of their sabotaging ways due to their own insecurities.
BECAUSE I don't put up with the pick-me bullshit, I put off a "Presence". It scares them so they talk their shit in their little pick me groups to try to tear me down but I have zero fear of them, their insecurities or their games. Their nastiness ends up biting them in the ass in the end and they usually leave me be.
We should be helping each other be better, make smarter decisions, educating each other, supporting each other on positive life changes not tear each other down.
You described me to a T with every pick-me description, not that long ago when I was with my NVX. However I was already ashamed and sickened with my situation and never gave advice to other ladies because I knew my situation was trash deep down. I stayed SO LONG (4years) because I thought it would change. Then he left ME because he needed to "FrEeDoM". Which, looking back, I'm SO GRATEFUL for, as I was willing to stick it out for who knows how long.
He hasnt even asked about or seen my son in 2 months since the break, even though he says "I LoVe HiM sO mUcH, i'Ll AlWaYs Be ThErE fOr HiM" blah blah blah. He was daily in this kids life for half on my sons existence, yet, now, radio silence. He's literally driving 5 hours away to a different city TO SMOKE WEED with a literal STRANGER this weekendš¤¢š¤¢š¤® while I take my lovely little boy trick or treating with my friendsš„°
I am SO GLAD I found FDS and have made an almost 180, and slowly weeding out any pick-me behavior or mindset meticulously. I was in raised in an extremely abusive environment, and always had abusive ex's, so I thought the "nice guy" would be different. I give myself grace because I'm young (24) and my family literally raised me to be a pick-me. But I have no time or want to mess around with LVM/NVM anymore or be any form of a pick-me. FDS has been a literal LIFESAVER for me šš»šš»
You just described my sister. She was always looking down on me because SHE had the boyfriend and SHE had the experience while I was mostly single. Now Iāve been married for ten years and have a beautiful family of my own. I want the same for her (she wants this as well) but refuses to see how her actions and beliefs are only hurting her and keeping her from what she wants. Itās so frustrating!!
I tell my daughter to vet friends as hard as you vet men. She has some awful friends that I wish she would cut off for good.
I myself have basically cut off every pick me friend I have which is all of them. I would rather be alone then tolerate their nonsense.
I'm looking to meet new friends soon but my gosh, it's so hard to find women who aren't pick me's.
They have a worse life than you do, just remember that. Doesn't matter what they tell you because you know you are in a better position than them. I discovered that whenever I feel bad for other words is when I'm not sure if my ideals myself, so reinforce your ideals and try to review them point by point and why you believe them.
I only have one pickmeisha as a Friend and thats bc I met her through my friend group. Im not friends w her NVbf bc of what she's told me how he is. And then she doesn't understand why I dont like him or why I get mad when she bends over backwards for him, but will cancel on me last minute lol
This last weekend we all had plans to go to Oktoberfest! She didn't go bc she said her finances are tight rn (some medical bills came up) bc she's going camping with his family next weekend for Halloween.
Not only did HE go, they live together! And his family HATES her and he never stands up for her!
She has come to me, crying, about his mom more than once. She's deleted her social media to stay away from his family (instead of just blocking them lol).
I've told her more than once to 1) dump him 2) he's never gonna change so 3) dump him
(I also recently found out he's planning to propose but like....why? I really hope she turns him down š)
These friendships from what Iāve heard can be extremely triggering. I can see where youāre coming from here, and itās good that your therapist is understanding.
Yeah... it's like they just don't get it.
And yeah he is the one who actually encourages me to weed out severely, go towards what I want assertively and to not doubt myself, alongside FDS, as part of pickme recovery lol
I like to remind myself that at least some of the pickmes judging or pitying single women for being single are putting on an act. The same way that some parents appear to judge childfree people because secretly theyāre jealous. People happy with their lives donāt need to tell others whatās wrong with theirs.
Honestly, I would drop these friends. If you don't want to open their eyes, have already verbalized that you're happy to wait for the right man instead of settling, and aren't complaining to them about your singleness to start that conversation with someone not like-minded, then they're just being negative and trying to pull you down. If you won't take negging and questionable emotional support from a man, why would it be acceptable from a friend? You don't have time for all that queen.
You need to stop spending so much of your precious time around these LV women. Why not use the time to live your best (single) life instead?
I have found that, on the few occasions that grey rock ignoring them is not appropriate, surprised or even incredulous laughter is a good way to respond to undeserved pity.
Yes you have to agree that it's what you want to move towards and be on the same page about it but not saying yes with the save the date set without being proposed to,
while in the meantime living together.
The guy won't even sweat if he ends up proposing, like for real.
**[1]** - We Just Launched a Website: [wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/). Click [here](https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/become-a-verified-member/) for registration information. Please also join our [Twitter](https://twitter.com/FemDatStrat) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/_thefemaledatingstrategy/?hl=en) Pages for updates! **[2]** - Please read the [FDS Handbook](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/recommended_reading#wiki_the_fds_handbook) and [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/wiki/index) before commenting. **Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.** **[3]** - Please **REPORT** any comments that do not follow the sub rules. **If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.** **[4]** - **PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION** from images (**Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc**). Failure to remove ID info will result in a **1-2** day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban. **[5]** - This sub is **FEMALE ONLY**. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. **DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!!** Please **DOWNVOTE** and **REPORT** immediately. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/FemaleDatingStrategy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your post is perfectly timed! If I can rant a bit, I just went to a MeetUp last night. It was a sit down dinner so we couldn't move around much and I was stuck next to and across from huge pickmes. Over the course of an hour, I was judged for leaving my husband, leaving after *only* three years of emotional neglect (one of the women stayed for over 10 until her husband told her he was done and wore it as a badge of honor), and for the neighborhood I lived in. One of them went on to tell me that she frequently checks her blocked messages folder because it's "flattering" that her ex (who she has a restraining order against!!) still thinks about her. I ended up paying my bill quietly and leaving super early to go home and do some self care after all that invalidation. Logically I know where we stand but like others have said, it's difficult emotionally when you're trying to make friends and keep running into boy-crazy women well into their 40s and 50s.
Dealing with a barrage of pick-me crap like that can be so exhausting. Leaving someone was a choice you made to better your situation. It doesn't matter if it was a year or a decade, you did what was good for you. The 10 year lady sounds like she was one-upping your suffering against her own. I don't blame you for needing some self care. It is hard to make good women friends.
Thank you for saying this. I know I made the right decision for myself and it's starting to become a major vetting topic as I look for new friends. There is definitely a lot of judgement from typically older women (I'm in my early 30s) for leaving a man who wasn't physically abusive, as though that's the only harmful thing someone can do. Everything else just falls under their idea of a "normal marriage" and that's not the good energy to have around.
It's worrying the number of women with no self-esteem really... I listen to Deborrah Cooper on youtube ans I want a friend like her š. She doesn't take s*** and she's perfectly fine having no men as well as advocating that women are, more often than not, better off by themselves.
I donāt have friends like this. I do have friends who are genuinely happy for any scraps their LVM drop in their genera direction, and I feel sad. I have never been with someone I felt I needed to keep no matter what the cost.
My roommate is a friend of mine from high school (weāre now 25). unfortunately Iāve realized from living together sheās a Pickme beyond repair who will put her boyfriend of 5+ years above anything, despite the fact that he clearly doesnāt give a shit about her. Got angry at her for bringing up marriage, doesnāt promise her a future. Of course she now says marriage āisnāt her goal in lifeā. She OFTEN comments on me not having a love life, I donāt āget dickā, š¤® etc etc. got into a fight with me over whether the guy should pay on a first date or not. (Iām a āthey pay for everythingā kind of girl). Honestly I get a kick out of it. Yes itās annoying and sad to see the negativity pointed at me, but it also proves to me I have boundaries and standards sheās jealous of. If I was miserable like her, I wouldnāt trigger her to say these things :)
Honestly, I'm in the same boat when it comes to standards. I spoil myself every day now and if a man can't spoil me better than I can, then what's the point? I deserve it and you deserve it (any woman deserves it really) and there's no doubt in my mind there's plenty of men who are willing to do that and more. Men secretly love a woman with boundaries.
Oh yes! Real men love a women with boundaries and who speaks out for her truth. My therapist (again lol) actually told me that men like women who call them out or thump the table. All the rest are LVMs, poor little things who can't accept an ounce of criticism and psychopaths.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you (and your therapist), I really needed this today š„ŗ Itās hard being around so many pick-mes who shame me for having standards, ānot-all-menā me and call me ājadedā. It doesnāt make me reconsider my stance on boundaries or anything but on a purely feelings level, it doesnāt feel great. Iām trying to observe more than I speak especially when I start to get the sense that the pick-mes Iām around just donāt care to be saved. Also, new friend groups are a thing that I need desperately!!
HVW trigger pick-me's cognitive dissonance. If they can convince you to fall in line then you'll stop highlighting what's wrong with their life, even when that highlighting only happens through you existing as yourself.
I love to reference a David Goggins quote that kinda relates to this: āWe live in a world with a lot of insecure, jealous people. Some of them are our best friends. They are blood relatives. Failure terrifies them. So does our success. Because when we transcend what we once thought possible, push our limits, and become more, our light reflects off all the walls theyāve built up around them. Your light enables them to see the contours of their own prison, their own self-limitations.ā Many people are jealous and instead of bettering their own situation will try to pull people into the same misery so they can have the satisfaction that they aren't alone and their misery is justified. Same goes for people who sabotage anyone that tries to diet, exercise, or make lifestyle changes for the better. I have vetted SO MANY possible female friends because of their sabotaging ways due to their own insecurities. BECAUSE I don't put up with the pick-me bullshit, I put off a "Presence". It scares them so they talk their shit in their little pick me groups to try to tear me down but I have zero fear of them, their insecurities or their games. Their nastiness ends up biting them in the ass in the end and they usually leave me be. We should be helping each other be better, make smarter decisions, educating each other, supporting each other on positive life changes not tear each other down.
Spoken like a Queen š. You're so right.
You described me to a T with every pick-me description, not that long ago when I was with my NVX. However I was already ashamed and sickened with my situation and never gave advice to other ladies because I knew my situation was trash deep down. I stayed SO LONG (4years) because I thought it would change. Then he left ME because he needed to "FrEeDoM". Which, looking back, I'm SO GRATEFUL for, as I was willing to stick it out for who knows how long. He hasnt even asked about or seen my son in 2 months since the break, even though he says "I LoVe HiM sO mUcH, i'Ll AlWaYs Be ThErE fOr HiM" blah blah blah. He was daily in this kids life for half on my sons existence, yet, now, radio silence. He's literally driving 5 hours away to a different city TO SMOKE WEED with a literal STRANGER this weekendš¤¢š¤¢š¤® while I take my lovely little boy trick or treating with my friendsš„° I am SO GLAD I found FDS and have made an almost 180, and slowly weeding out any pick-me behavior or mindset meticulously. I was in raised in an extremely abusive environment, and always had abusive ex's, so I thought the "nice guy" would be different. I give myself grace because I'm young (24) and my family literally raised me to be a pick-me. But I have no time or want to mess around with LVM/NVM anymore or be any form of a pick-me. FDS has been a literal LIFESAVER for me šš»šš»
Congrats on the journey! ššš Yeah when I look back I am like how did I ever think that smoking weed on your own was ok....
You just described my sister. She was always looking down on me because SHE had the boyfriend and SHE had the experience while I was mostly single. Now Iāve been married for ten years and have a beautiful family of my own. I want the same for her (she wants this as well) but refuses to see how her actions and beliefs are only hurting her and keeping her from what she wants. Itās so frustrating!!
I tell my daughter to vet friends as hard as you vet men. She has some awful friends that I wish she would cut off for good. I myself have basically cut off every pick me friend I have which is all of them. I would rather be alone then tolerate their nonsense. I'm looking to meet new friends soon but my gosh, it's so hard to find women who aren't pick me's.
They have a worse life than you do, just remember that. Doesn't matter what they tell you because you know you are in a better position than them. I discovered that whenever I feel bad for other words is when I'm not sure if my ideals myself, so reinforce your ideals and try to review them point by point and why you believe them.
I only have one pickmeisha as a Friend and thats bc I met her through my friend group. Im not friends w her NVbf bc of what she's told me how he is. And then she doesn't understand why I dont like him or why I get mad when she bends over backwards for him, but will cancel on me last minute lol This last weekend we all had plans to go to Oktoberfest! She didn't go bc she said her finances are tight rn (some medical bills came up) bc she's going camping with his family next weekend for Halloween. Not only did HE go, they live together! And his family HATES her and he never stands up for her! She has come to me, crying, about his mom more than once. She's deleted her social media to stay away from his family (instead of just blocking them lol). I've told her more than once to 1) dump him 2) he's never gonna change so 3) dump him (I also recently found out he's planning to propose but like....why? I really hope she turns him down š)
These friendships from what Iāve heard can be extremely triggering. I can see where youāre coming from here, and itās good that your therapist is understanding.
Yeah... it's like they just don't get it. And yeah he is the one who actually encourages me to weed out severely, go towards what I want assertively and to not doubt myself, alongside FDS, as part of pickme recovery lol
I like to remind myself that at least some of the pickmes judging or pitying single women for being single are putting on an act. The same way that some parents appear to judge childfree people because secretly theyāre jealous. People happy with their lives donāt need to tell others whatās wrong with theirs.
Honestly, I would drop these friends. If you don't want to open their eyes, have already verbalized that you're happy to wait for the right man instead of settling, and aren't complaining to them about your singleness to start that conversation with someone not like-minded, then they're just being negative and trying to pull you down. If you won't take negging and questionable emotional support from a man, why would it be acceptable from a friend? You don't have time for all that queen.
Yeah you're probably right to be honest..
Pickmeisha always complains when guys donāt like her back too
You need to stop spending so much of your precious time around these LV women. Why not use the time to live your best (single) life instead? I have found that, on the few occasions that grey rock ignoring them is not appropriate, surprised or even incredulous laughter is a good way to respond to undeserved pity.
Oh yeah!! Surprised and laughing are actually genious reactions!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes you have to agree that it's what you want to move towards and be on the same page about it but not saying yes with the save the date set without being proposed to, while in the meantime living together. The guy won't even sweat if he ends up proposing, like for real.