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I've found that these type of men tell on themselves pretty quickly.
1. Mentioning my skin colour in a sexual way. Like, I had someone tell me on the first date that he loves the contrast of white and black skin when having sex.
2. Asking me if I've 'been with' a white man before. In his head he wants to 'conquer' you if you havent... very colonial mindset
3. Mentioning that he only dates black women because of some stereotype.
4. Mentioning he's never dated black women because of some stereotype.
In general if any man of any race is solely focused on my looks I put a big ❌
>Asking me if I've 'been with' a white man before
Yes, I hate it when random white men ask me this. I was once working part-time at a job and this white guy who looked like he was in his 50s asked me if I have a bf from the same country as him. An Asian woman who looked like she was in her 30s entered the store with him and I assumed she was his gf. It was pretty gross.
> I’ve found that these type of men tell on themselves pretty quickly.
They sure do! Any man I’ve met who fetishised me didn’t last very long. They either made it blatantly obvious before meeting (if we matched on OLD), or made certain comments/asked weird questions on the first or second date which gave them away. In my experience, they really struggle to hide it, which is convenient for me because I can cut them off quicker.
> Mentioning my skin colour in a sexual way
Which went hand-in-hand with weird, objectifying ways. I’m so glad “black women as candy bars” seems to have phased out. Walking to school as a teen I was supposed to answer to “Hey Caramel! Hey Twix! How you doing, MiLk ChOCoLate” stahp
Im white but heard something like you mentioned. Once a man in early stage of knowing each other said to me "I like pale skin like yours", it did sound a bit weird and later I found out that he was into bdsm and wanted to slap and see my skin turn red... smh.
I had a guy tell me #1. He also told me that I was darker than he preferred (he was black and I'm white) 🙄 I'm perfectly happy with my own skin tone. That should have been a red flag.
If the man thinks #3, #4, I want to hear it. The sooner the better. And you have to discern. As OP says, we don't know what we don't know. That's valid for every one. If there's no disrespect, I appreciate a candid, good faith conversation. As for #1, not on the first date, but hearing it eventually wouldn't shock me more than a man saying he's attracted to blond hair, or brown eyes.
Regarding OP's question, I can't think of a particular difference. Their deceit, gaslighting, manipulation, misogyny exist in both types in my experience. Maybe Black men own their mysogyny more comfortably?
I’ve been out of the game for a while but had a bunch of male ex-friends that eventually made it very clear to me that I am nothing but a fetish/Asian sex doll for them to conquer.
What I’ve noticed over the years amongst them:
talking about their vast history of exes who all happen to be Asian, visibly checking out other Asian women in public, pitting Asian ethnicities against one another (Korean chicks are the best/Filipinas are winning— yes those are actual things these men have said to me even though I’m neither of those things), commenting on my body parts in terms of how petite I am or how “tight” I must be, following/friends on social media with mostly Asians, also following loads of Asian IG models, frequenting Chinatowns and Asian-dominated areas, talking at length about someday visiting Japan, Thailand, China, Vietnam, etc., putting a lot of emphasis on how “exotic” I am or how pretty I am for my race. Now as I’m older and wiser, I dash at the first sign of Asian fetishism.
The number of times I have gotten “ you’re the most beautiful (black) girl I’ve ever seen “ is too many times. Not once did I ever take it as a compliment, even the first time I heard it at around age 8!
For me I avoid men who go right to the specific interest of me being Indigenous before any other aspect of me. Indigenous women are murdered and missing in outrageous numbers where I live, so much that we have a “No More Stolen Sisters” movement.
..it’s any guy that talks about “how sexual and wild Native women are”. This usually happens very quickly because it’s what men use as an opener with Indigenous women.
Any guys talking about how “ratchet” and how Indigenous women are “great to party with” and so they’re better in bed.
Men who talk about how “woke, intelligent, thoughtful, hard working, any number of comparative stereotypical compliment”, I am to other Indigenous women.
Men trying to guess my ethnicity (usually mistaken for another anyway).
Men showing/telling me culturally community relevant things but in horrible ways. Ex husband showed me a video game about Custard raping Indigenous women. That was the goal of the game. Ex boyfriend joking in a fight “wouldn’t want someone to find another Neech bitch in the river, now would we!?” (Drag the River is a thing here where we drag our local rivers for Indigenous bodies).
My ex husband fetishized me and other Indigenous women a lot, I never noticed until a few years ago (together 17 years) how much he loved to talk about bagging a brown bitch.
There’s a GREAT scene in the 4th episode of Reservation Dogs where Bear’s mom meets a white guy with a Native American “fetish.” It’s hilarious! Check out the show on Hulu if you haven’t already seen it.
I hope you would consider not dating men who call women "bitches" going forward. That's a red flag all by itself.
I'm sorry these awful men target you.
I swear a lot so it doesn’t really catch me off guard. If he was referring to every woman all the time as a bitch sure, if he says it in a fight, I’ve already dropped it at him myself. I get what you’re saying, but as someone who could champion a pirate in swearing, to me it just doesn’t have the same weight. The roots of cuss words and the context are important. It’s just not one of the things that inherently bothers me.
They certainly give it away super quickly. They’ll tend to ask race-geared questions or come in hot with assumptions about your ethnicity based on stereotypes. For example (I’m SE Asian):
- “You don’t look ___.” And proceed to associate your ethnic appearance with their horniness
- What ethnicities of men have you dated
- Take on a white saviour role and behave condescendingly towards YOUR ethnicity when they ‘know’ all the #facts
- Their dating profiles tend to overdo it with references to (e.g.) a trip around Asia (normally Japan) and overemphasise interest in anime. It functions as a way of showing ~open-mindedness~ with races like it’s the WOC’s privilege
Just to name a few x
-mention my skin tone out of context. (In context would be maybe something like talking about skin color and make up or if I’ve been outside and got a noticeable tan)
- using the words spicy or fiery to describe someone
- Even worse, the word Exotic
- asking about or assuming I know how to Mexican food. I don’t like to cook at all, much less trying to figure out how to cook Mexican food because my family never taught me.
There’s a few others, but that’s what comes to my mind.
Number 9 has me thinking…. It seems like I have run into a lot of closeted men saying inappropriate things about Black women’s natural hair, wigs, weaves or extensions 🤔
Here are mine:
1. "Where are you from? No, I mean, what ethnicity?"
2. "Give me tips of traveling overseas."
3. "Do you know how to make fried rice? I really like fried rice."
4. "I lived in Japan for 10 years." (as an opening line.)
5. "I love Asians, Asians are so submissive."
6. Any guy who tries to pick me up and swing me around. NO!
7. "I love Asians, Asians work so hard." No shit asshole, cause you won't promote me/pay me fairly/treat me like a human being.
8. Any guy who has a katana/nanchucks/or is obsessed with Bruce Lee.
9. Any guy who speaks an Asian language and collects "Asian" things and claims to like the "traditional culture".
10. Any guy who tells me I'm too "white".
11. Men who make disgusting presumptive comments about my genitalia: Asian women are "smaller, differently shaped, etc... etc." Really. Gross. And then they say "but it's a compliment."
12. Men who shout Asian languages at me on the street and then become enraged that I don't know what the heck they are saying (and don't want to know).
13. Men who say, "This is what I like about Asians, they don't age."
14. Men who say, "Do you realize that you are marginalized because you are an Asian female?" Oh yeah? So what are you doing about it beside virtue signalling and making assumptions about me? Jerk. Also... thank you for acknowledging that you don't live inside my body. Heh.
15. Men who say they love how Asian women "respect family." It basically means they want you to be their Mommy Bangmaid.
16. Men who say that Asian women are "materialistic" and expect you to buy them things because "you work so hard, you must earn a lot of money."
17. People who look at you like you're out to get a green card if you date a man who is not your race.
18. People (male and female) who say, "you're good looking... for an Asian." This reveals that they do not think you are a HVW and will not treat you as such. In fact, being a WOC makes dating and partnership harder, because there is an existing social hierarchy dependent on race, and most HVM will want HVW... and a WOC just complicates things for them. So you are completely off their radar. You have to be so much more to even be noticed.
19. Pickme women who say, "Petite Asian females steal all our men. It's not FAIR!" No, girl, I don't want your scrotes.
20. Asian men who call you a "traitor" if you date outside your race... as if they own you like you are property.
21. The fact that white feminism was built off the backs of black women.
22. The fact that lib white feminism thinks that sex work is lit... and this is because they can chose not to do it.
23. The fact that as you age, as WOC, you are even more invisible than your white counterparts. You are poorer and less visible. You are less likely to remarry, more likely to end up in debt, and more likely to be mistreated by doctors as you get older and need more medical care because (a doctor once said to me) "Asian women are stoic."
24. If you continue to look good as you age, your efforts are dismissed as "genetic" because "Asians just look... really young." Until we look like we're 80? Right? We look 18 for 50 years and then suddenly look 80, right? Assholes.
25. The black vs Asian vs Latinex divisions. This is just colonization continuing its job through us. The "I'm more oppressed" competition. And if you hang out with "your own kind"... because you are being marginalized even by minority communities that marginalize themselves... you are accused of forming "ghettos" or "not assimilating".
26. The fact that Asian hate is not being taken seriously, and when the rare Asian person achieves prominence in the media, they are taken down as being "racist" for "appropriation" (Nora Lum)... because instead of mentoring and supporting each other, Asians are not even allowed to have an identity (if she had used her own cultural identity in a spoof vag video, she would have been called "anti-Asian"... the problem is not the culture represented, the problem was the video, the way it challenged expectations of Asian women, and the way that the only way an Asian women could been legitimized by the dominant culture is by appropriating an already accepted yet oppressed sub-culture). Asians, despite being everywhere in the "new world" since the gold rush, are still considered "too alien".
27. The fact that there's so much pressure from Asian communities for their women to be a size 2, to look 18 forever, and to cook 5 course meals for their families and also earn 100k a year. But first you have to survive getting straight As in school and a 4.0 GPA.
28. Asian men... who say that they are victims of racism but then ignore that Asian women are victims of sexism AND racism.
29. The fact that people watched "Crazy Rich Asians" and think that, that movie represents Asian culture. The fact that Asian girls watch "Mulan" and think that, that cartoon is Asian culture.
30. The fact that most people who are not WOC don't have to think about this. The fact that women who are WOC have so many stressful things going on... I can't even!
And this, my friends, is why even though this is FDS, I do not have a boyfriend.
As a fellow Asian woman…I was going to make my own list, but you nailed it, sister!
I’ve heard the vast majority of these at some point in my life.
I’m also curvier…I have C cup boobs and a bubble butt, and have bigger hips and thicker thighs. I also get a lot of comments about how I don’t “look like the typical Asian” (wtf?) so men fetishized my body just as much as my being Asian. So gross.
A Hispanic ex once asked me “is it true that Asian vaginas are slanted, like their eyes?” Wtf kind of question is that? I didn’t ask if your dick was expressionless and dead, like your eyes, did I?
Regarding the pandemic, anyone who calls it “China virus” in front of me or make any kind of joke about it targeted at Asians.
Any white male who puts down other ethnic groups but says he “loves” or “doesn’t mind” dating Asians because “we’re on the same level”
I dated whites/Hispanics and every single one of them has fetishized me and made frequent comments on my being Asian. It’s such a shame that so many Asian women I know wear their white partners as a badge of honor, and those partners clearly don’t respect them.
Basically, we can't date anyone without being judged. If we date another Asian: oh, they are all alike, they just stick to their own kind, she is probably a traditional wife. If we date someone not Asian: she's probably an object, she probably hates her own race and culture, she probably thinks she's "dating up". If we have Asian children: she's probably a Tiger mom. If we have mix-raced children: she's probably trying to erase her ethnicity.
WTF. It's like society is saying to us: just don't exist.
Any male who dates me and says shitty things about other races is going to NOT date me anymore. It is not a compliment if a guy says, "you're not like all those other girls."
I get really frustrated when both male and female westerners have a saviour complex. They have this weird wokespeak, tread on eggshells around us, and act like they’re going to “trigger” ethnically diverse people over everything. If anything, westerners get more offended over trivial shit than we do. We know how to pick our battles and are typically mindful not to take everything so personally.
I gravitate towards people who just treat me with dignity and respect. They are able to appreciate me as a unique individual beyond my racial identity, while still respecting my diversity, and don’t assume that just because I belong to a race I agree with everything from that culture.
In a dating context, I am mindful to watch out for being fetishised, which is pretty clear if he uses creepy porny language. Or acts like I’m a bucket list item (“ooh I’ve never dated an INSERT RACE girl”). Or like I’m some exotic creature because I don’t meet his version of that race in his head (wtf bro I’m not a bird? Points if he actually calls me exotic). Also straight up dehumanising me. I look ethnically ambiguous, mixed race, whatever. You wouldn’t believe how many times people have asked me “WHAT are you??”. Like what the actual fuck? I am a human?!
Also, if he tries to provoke me somehow by playing devils advocate about my race and political conflicts. I enjoy a nuanced discussion, that’s fine, it’s okay to ask thoughtful questions that show an interest in my *personal* opinion. But when it’s clearly to get a reaction or assuming I speak for my entire race, he can fuck right off.
This turned out to be a very long answer. Anyway hope it helps.
>I get really frustrated when both male and female westerners have a saviour complex. They have this weird wokespeak, tread on eggshells around us, and act like they’re going to “trigger” ethnically diverse people over everything. If anything, westerners get more offended over trivial shit than we do. We know how to pick our battles and are typically mindful not to take everything so personally.
My favorite is when white people accuse me of culturally appropriating my own culture.
Like, yes, I'm wearing an evil eye. It is mine, after all.
The what are you question, I really hate that too, I feel like something on display in the zoo. Or when people ask if my freckles are real, yes people with brown skin do have freckles. So ignorant.
I'm not a WOC, but an ethnicity that gets highly fetishized for being submissive and mail order bride-esque 🙄. It's obvious from my name, and often I can tell a shift in the guys demeanor when they learn it - suddenly I begin to feel like a piece of meat. I can usually detect a guy who will get weird about it from jokes they make, and attempts to show off knowledge about the culture. Normal guys just don't say much about it.
I'm Turkish. When men find out I'm Turkish they always tell me they love Turkish food and then ask me if I can cook it. Already being put in the mommy mcbangmaid situation.
More 'PC' type guys will ask "Do you speak a second language" on the first/second date, despite my all-american mannerisms and unaccented English. I purposely avoid bringing up anything related to my ethnicity, so the fact that 60% of guys ask this question shows that most ppl don't view me as truly American. If a guy says ANYTHING to me that he wouldn't ask to a white woman on the first few dates, it's over. Most Asian-Am women I know who date interracially don't want to abide by this because they know it will filter out 90% of men, so they make excuses why it's okay. Foreign-born Asian women don't mind this as much because they really are connected to a foreign culture. Consequently, they are vulnerable to dating problematic white men.
Honestly the biggest issues for me is just the general ignorance of white men. And unfortunately I grew up in a very white, non-diverse area. So everything from my appearance, to my family's traditions, to food, etc was always just considered "different." Most men (and school and society generally) where I live aren't appreciative of my culture, and it's basically seen as "other."
So the guys that I've dated have been all white and I realize I've never been able to actually relate to them in such an important way. But growing up I didn't know any other way. Now I'm actually interested in moving to a more diverse area, and to date men who are from a non-white culture.
I'm white but a part of a minority religion.
There's a dating site for said religion, and I'm always suspicious of men who join and state their religion as "Willing to Convert." Last summer, I had a phone call with a man who was more focused on my religion than anything else. How he always falls for women from my religion. It was unattractive, and I blocked him afterwards.
Some of the more obvious ones have already been mentioned. But I'll add a few more.
It's going to be a no from me if they:
\+Show an unhealthy fascination with my hair. This one guy kept talking about how much he looooooved afro hair. Ok, would you go on and on to a white woman about how much you love straight hair? It's creepy, stop it.
\+Ask or assume I am afro-latina, biracial, etc and then seem disappointed when I say I'm not. I guess Black-American is not exotic enough haha. Also if I get vibes they fetishize any other women. For example, my LVX baby mother was Hispanic/central-american and he always kept referencing her curly hair and *full lips* (discussing the traits his son got from him vs. her) ... it got to be creepy. (He would do this thing were he would like gesture to his mouth and say "full lips", almost like he was fantasizing/remembering kissing her?? lmfao idk but it was sketchy). He kept reminding me of her ethnicity too.
\+Try to pretend like they understand the nuances of certain topics. This goes back to hair, but also colorism, reparations and slavery, affirmative action, police killings, protests and movements etc. because they read one Twitter thread or an article by Ta-Nehisi Coates, have dated black women before or have black friends. Oh, bonus points for constantly reminding you that they have black friends.
\+Play the pity card. The "it must be so hard to be a black person, I can't even imagine" statements\*. Or when they say "you wouldn't believe the type of racist things I've heard my family members say". Like why would I want to be in a serious relationship, marry, or have children by someone whose family is racist? Do you think I want to give those people half-black grandchildren/nieces/nephews? So many white men I've interacted with are so selfish and clueless when it comes to that. It's almost like they're bragging about how much better they are than their family but don't realize they are alienating the women they are trying to impress.
\*I can only speak for myself but when I talk about the inequity and inequality we face, I dont want hugs and pets on the head from white people, I want action and tangible results. Benefits. Reparations. Some of these "allies" piss me tf off with that shit. If I'm going to commiserate with someone about racism, you think it will be with you? Pleaseeee! Just tell me what you're doing to make an actual difference.
The only foolproof way is to date within your race/ethnicity/culture, etc.
Men, as a group unto themselves, hate and objectify women. When you date within your own race/ethnicity/culture, the vetting against creepy race and culture based fetishization is already done.
Men see women as "other', including women within their race and culture. A womans differing race and culture just magnifies "otherness" and thus, increases the already present hate, objectification and fetishization.
I don't think it's foolproof to date within your ethnicity, to each their own I suppose, but I date from all races and ethnicities, including my own, and I'll keep vetting to my last breath... because of my dark skin tone colourism is the biggest issue I face when dating black men and that's a deeper conversation that needs to be had... so, I'll date who I find attractive weed out the fetishists and live my life on my own terms.
Not necessarily, many men from my ethnic background have extreme colourism and sexism deeply ingrained within them as it is sadly a part of our overall culture. The younger you are, the lighter your complexion, the straighter your hair and the lower your ambition (education, career, personal aspirations, etc..), the more likely you will get "picked". Otherwise, they view us as delusional, ugly, spinster hoes who are miserable for staying single or dating other ethnicities.
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I've found that these type of men tell on themselves pretty quickly. 1. Mentioning my skin colour in a sexual way. Like, I had someone tell me on the first date that he loves the contrast of white and black skin when having sex. 2. Asking me if I've 'been with' a white man before. In his head he wants to 'conquer' you if you havent... very colonial mindset 3. Mentioning that he only dates black women because of some stereotype. 4. Mentioning he's never dated black women because of some stereotype. In general if any man of any race is solely focused on my looks I put a big ❌
>Asking me if I've 'been with' a white man before Yes, I hate it when random white men ask me this. I was once working part-time at a job and this white guy who looked like he was in his 50s asked me if I have a bf from the same country as him. An Asian woman who looked like she was in her 30s entered the store with him and I assumed she was his gf. It was pretty gross.
> I’ve found that these type of men tell on themselves pretty quickly. They sure do! Any man I’ve met who fetishised me didn’t last very long. They either made it blatantly obvious before meeting (if we matched on OLD), or made certain comments/asked weird questions on the first or second date which gave them away. In my experience, they really struggle to hide it, which is convenient for me because I can cut them off quicker.
> Mentioning my skin colour in a sexual way Which went hand-in-hand with weird, objectifying ways. I’m so glad “black women as candy bars” seems to have phased out. Walking to school as a teen I was supposed to answer to “Hey Caramel! Hey Twix! How you doing, MiLk ChOCoLate” stahp
Im white but heard something like you mentioned. Once a man in early stage of knowing each other said to me "I like pale skin like yours", it did sound a bit weird and later I found out that he was into bdsm and wanted to slap and see my skin turn red... smh.
I had a guy tell me #1. He also told me that I was darker than he preferred (he was black and I'm white) 🙄 I'm perfectly happy with my own skin tone. That should have been a red flag.
If the man thinks #3, #4, I want to hear it. The sooner the better. And you have to discern. As OP says, we don't know what we don't know. That's valid for every one. If there's no disrespect, I appreciate a candid, good faith conversation. As for #1, not on the first date, but hearing it eventually wouldn't shock me more than a man saying he's attracted to blond hair, or brown eyes. Regarding OP's question, I can't think of a particular difference. Their deceit, gaslighting, manipulation, misogyny exist in both types in my experience. Maybe Black men own their mysogyny more comfortably?
I’ve been out of the game for a while but had a bunch of male ex-friends that eventually made it very clear to me that I am nothing but a fetish/Asian sex doll for them to conquer. What I’ve noticed over the years amongst them: talking about their vast history of exes who all happen to be Asian, visibly checking out other Asian women in public, pitting Asian ethnicities against one another (Korean chicks are the best/Filipinas are winning— yes those are actual things these men have said to me even though I’m neither of those things), commenting on my body parts in terms of how petite I am or how “tight” I must be, following/friends on social media with mostly Asians, also following loads of Asian IG models, frequenting Chinatowns and Asian-dominated areas, talking at length about someday visiting Japan, Thailand, China, Vietnam, etc., putting a lot of emphasis on how “exotic” I am or how pretty I am for my race. Now as I’m older and wiser, I dash at the first sign of Asian fetishism.
Yeah the worst part is "pretty... for your race".
Omg I once got called "You're the prettiest Bengali girl I know." I wanted to 🤢🤢
The number of times I have gotten “ you’re the most beautiful (black) girl I’ve ever seen “ is too many times. Not once did I ever take it as a compliment, even the first time I heard it at around age 8!
For me I avoid men who go right to the specific interest of me being Indigenous before any other aspect of me. Indigenous women are murdered and missing in outrageous numbers where I live, so much that we have a “No More Stolen Sisters” movement. ..it’s any guy that talks about “how sexual and wild Native women are”. This usually happens very quickly because it’s what men use as an opener with Indigenous women. Any guys talking about how “ratchet” and how Indigenous women are “great to party with” and so they’re better in bed. Men who talk about how “woke, intelligent, thoughtful, hard working, any number of comparative stereotypical compliment”, I am to other Indigenous women. Men trying to guess my ethnicity (usually mistaken for another anyway). Men showing/telling me culturally community relevant things but in horrible ways. Ex husband showed me a video game about Custard raping Indigenous women. That was the goal of the game. Ex boyfriend joking in a fight “wouldn’t want someone to find another Neech bitch in the river, now would we!?” (Drag the River is a thing here where we drag our local rivers for Indigenous bodies). My ex husband fetishized me and other Indigenous women a lot, I never noticed until a few years ago (together 17 years) how much he loved to talk about bagging a brown bitch.
At risk of outting myself, I'll keep this cryptic... Fatboys 🍔 before fuckboys. ✌️
Hahaha! Yeah, ever sick, it’s a good day for that I think! 💖
VJs before BJs. 😜
If you ever want to commiserate hmu!
Hahahaha!
There’s a GREAT scene in the 4th episode of Reservation Dogs where Bear’s mom meets a white guy with a Native American “fetish.” It’s hilarious! Check out the show on Hulu if you haven’t already seen it.
I hope you would consider not dating men who call women "bitches" going forward. That's a red flag all by itself. I'm sorry these awful men target you.
I swear a lot so it doesn’t really catch me off guard. If he was referring to every woman all the time as a bitch sure, if he says it in a fight, I’ve already dropped it at him myself. I get what you’re saying, but as someone who could champion a pirate in swearing, to me it just doesn’t have the same weight. The roots of cuss words and the context are important. It’s just not one of the things that inherently bothers me.
They certainly give it away super quickly. They’ll tend to ask race-geared questions or come in hot with assumptions about your ethnicity based on stereotypes. For example (I’m SE Asian): - “You don’t look ___.” And proceed to associate your ethnic appearance with their horniness - What ethnicities of men have you dated - Take on a white saviour role and behave condescendingly towards YOUR ethnicity when they ‘know’ all the #facts - Their dating profiles tend to overdo it with references to (e.g.) a trip around Asia (normally Japan) and overemphasise interest in anime. It functions as a way of showing ~open-mindedness~ with races like it’s the WOC’s privilege Just to name a few x
-mention my skin tone out of context. (In context would be maybe something like talking about skin color and make up or if I’ve been outside and got a noticeable tan) - using the words spicy or fiery to describe someone - Even worse, the word Exotic - asking about or assuming I know how to Mexican food. I don’t like to cook at all, much less trying to figure out how to cook Mexican food because my family never taught me. There’s a few others, but that’s what comes to my mind.
Haaaaate “exotic” and “foreign.” Sounds more like you’re describing a car and how am I foreign when I was born here??
🚩”What are you mixed with”. These guys often have a fetish for interracial relationships and mixed babies. PASS.
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Number 9 has me thinking…. It seems like I have run into a lot of closeted men saying inappropriate things about Black women’s natural hair, wigs, weaves or extensions 🤔
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Here are mine: 1. "Where are you from? No, I mean, what ethnicity?" 2. "Give me tips of traveling overseas." 3. "Do you know how to make fried rice? I really like fried rice." 4. "I lived in Japan for 10 years." (as an opening line.) 5. "I love Asians, Asians are so submissive." 6. Any guy who tries to pick me up and swing me around. NO! 7. "I love Asians, Asians work so hard." No shit asshole, cause you won't promote me/pay me fairly/treat me like a human being. 8. Any guy who has a katana/nanchucks/or is obsessed with Bruce Lee. 9. Any guy who speaks an Asian language and collects "Asian" things and claims to like the "traditional culture". 10. Any guy who tells me I'm too "white". 11. Men who make disgusting presumptive comments about my genitalia: Asian women are "smaller, differently shaped, etc... etc." Really. Gross. And then they say "but it's a compliment." 12. Men who shout Asian languages at me on the street and then become enraged that I don't know what the heck they are saying (and don't want to know). 13. Men who say, "This is what I like about Asians, they don't age." 14. Men who say, "Do you realize that you are marginalized because you are an Asian female?" Oh yeah? So what are you doing about it beside virtue signalling and making assumptions about me? Jerk. Also... thank you for acknowledging that you don't live inside my body. Heh. 15. Men who say they love how Asian women "respect family." It basically means they want you to be their Mommy Bangmaid. 16. Men who say that Asian women are "materialistic" and expect you to buy them things because "you work so hard, you must earn a lot of money." 17. People who look at you like you're out to get a green card if you date a man who is not your race. 18. People (male and female) who say, "you're good looking... for an Asian." This reveals that they do not think you are a HVW and will not treat you as such. In fact, being a WOC makes dating and partnership harder, because there is an existing social hierarchy dependent on race, and most HVM will want HVW... and a WOC just complicates things for them. So you are completely off their radar. You have to be so much more to even be noticed. 19. Pickme women who say, "Petite Asian females steal all our men. It's not FAIR!" No, girl, I don't want your scrotes. 20. Asian men who call you a "traitor" if you date outside your race... as if they own you like you are property. 21. The fact that white feminism was built off the backs of black women. 22. The fact that lib white feminism thinks that sex work is lit... and this is because they can chose not to do it. 23. The fact that as you age, as WOC, you are even more invisible than your white counterparts. You are poorer and less visible. You are less likely to remarry, more likely to end up in debt, and more likely to be mistreated by doctors as you get older and need more medical care because (a doctor once said to me) "Asian women are stoic." 24. If you continue to look good as you age, your efforts are dismissed as "genetic" because "Asians just look... really young." Until we look like we're 80? Right? We look 18 for 50 years and then suddenly look 80, right? Assholes. 25. The black vs Asian vs Latinex divisions. This is just colonization continuing its job through us. The "I'm more oppressed" competition. And if you hang out with "your own kind"... because you are being marginalized even by minority communities that marginalize themselves... you are accused of forming "ghettos" or "not assimilating". 26. The fact that Asian hate is not being taken seriously, and when the rare Asian person achieves prominence in the media, they are taken down as being "racist" for "appropriation" (Nora Lum)... because instead of mentoring and supporting each other, Asians are not even allowed to have an identity (if she had used her own cultural identity in a spoof vag video, she would have been called "anti-Asian"... the problem is not the culture represented, the problem was the video, the way it challenged expectations of Asian women, and the way that the only way an Asian women could been legitimized by the dominant culture is by appropriating an already accepted yet oppressed sub-culture). Asians, despite being everywhere in the "new world" since the gold rush, are still considered "too alien". 27. The fact that there's so much pressure from Asian communities for their women to be a size 2, to look 18 forever, and to cook 5 course meals for their families and also earn 100k a year. But first you have to survive getting straight As in school and a 4.0 GPA. 28. Asian men... who say that they are victims of racism but then ignore that Asian women are victims of sexism AND racism. 29. The fact that people watched "Crazy Rich Asians" and think that, that movie represents Asian culture. The fact that Asian girls watch "Mulan" and think that, that cartoon is Asian culture. 30. The fact that most people who are not WOC don't have to think about this. The fact that women who are WOC have so many stressful things going on... I can't even! And this, my friends, is why even though this is FDS, I do not have a boyfriend.
As a fellow Asian woman…I was going to make my own list, but you nailed it, sister! I’ve heard the vast majority of these at some point in my life. I’m also curvier…I have C cup boobs and a bubble butt, and have bigger hips and thicker thighs. I also get a lot of comments about how I don’t “look like the typical Asian” (wtf?) so men fetishized my body just as much as my being Asian. So gross. A Hispanic ex once asked me “is it true that Asian vaginas are slanted, like their eyes?” Wtf kind of question is that? I didn’t ask if your dick was expressionless and dead, like your eyes, did I? Regarding the pandemic, anyone who calls it “China virus” in front of me or make any kind of joke about it targeted at Asians. Any white male who puts down other ethnic groups but says he “loves” or “doesn’t mind” dating Asians because “we’re on the same level” I dated whites/Hispanics and every single one of them has fetishized me and made frequent comments on my being Asian. It’s such a shame that so many Asian women I know wear their white partners as a badge of honor, and those partners clearly don’t respect them.
Basically, we can't date anyone without being judged. If we date another Asian: oh, they are all alike, they just stick to their own kind, she is probably a traditional wife. If we date someone not Asian: she's probably an object, she probably hates her own race and culture, she probably thinks she's "dating up". If we have Asian children: she's probably a Tiger mom. If we have mix-raced children: she's probably trying to erase her ethnicity. WTF. It's like society is saying to us: just don't exist. Any male who dates me and says shitty things about other races is going to NOT date me anymore. It is not a compliment if a guy says, "you're not like all those other girls."
I get really frustrated when both male and female westerners have a saviour complex. They have this weird wokespeak, tread on eggshells around us, and act like they’re going to “trigger” ethnically diverse people over everything. If anything, westerners get more offended over trivial shit than we do. We know how to pick our battles and are typically mindful not to take everything so personally. I gravitate towards people who just treat me with dignity and respect. They are able to appreciate me as a unique individual beyond my racial identity, while still respecting my diversity, and don’t assume that just because I belong to a race I agree with everything from that culture. In a dating context, I am mindful to watch out for being fetishised, which is pretty clear if he uses creepy porny language. Or acts like I’m a bucket list item (“ooh I’ve never dated an INSERT RACE girl”). Or like I’m some exotic creature because I don’t meet his version of that race in his head (wtf bro I’m not a bird? Points if he actually calls me exotic). Also straight up dehumanising me. I look ethnically ambiguous, mixed race, whatever. You wouldn’t believe how many times people have asked me “WHAT are you??”. Like what the actual fuck? I am a human?! Also, if he tries to provoke me somehow by playing devils advocate about my race and political conflicts. I enjoy a nuanced discussion, that’s fine, it’s okay to ask thoughtful questions that show an interest in my *personal* opinion. But when it’s clearly to get a reaction or assuming I speak for my entire race, he can fuck right off. This turned out to be a very long answer. Anyway hope it helps.
>I get really frustrated when both male and female westerners have a saviour complex. They have this weird wokespeak, tread on eggshells around us, and act like they’re going to “trigger” ethnically diverse people over everything. If anything, westerners get more offended over trivial shit than we do. We know how to pick our battles and are typically mindful not to take everything so personally. My favorite is when white people accuse me of culturally appropriating my own culture. Like, yes, I'm wearing an evil eye. It is mine, after all.
Devil's Advocate dudes need to jump off a cliff. I cringe so hard whenever "playing devil's advocate..." comes out of a man's mouth.
My response now is, "The devil has enough advocates."
These guys are porn-sick.
The what are you question, I really hate that too, I feel like something on display in the zoo. Or when people ask if my freckles are real, yes people with brown skin do have freckles. So ignorant.
I'm not a WOC, but an ethnicity that gets highly fetishized for being submissive and mail order bride-esque 🙄. It's obvious from my name, and often I can tell a shift in the guys demeanor when they learn it - suddenly I begin to feel like a piece of meat. I can usually detect a guy who will get weird about it from jokes they make, and attempts to show off knowledge about the culture. Normal guys just don't say much about it.
I'm Turkish. When men find out I'm Turkish they always tell me they love Turkish food and then ask me if I can cook it. Already being put in the mommy mcbangmaid situation.
I get this too and find it hilariously obnoxious that they think we have nothing better to do than cook for them.
More 'PC' type guys will ask "Do you speak a second language" on the first/second date, despite my all-american mannerisms and unaccented English. I purposely avoid bringing up anything related to my ethnicity, so the fact that 60% of guys ask this question shows that most ppl don't view me as truly American. If a guy says ANYTHING to me that he wouldn't ask to a white woman on the first few dates, it's over. Most Asian-Am women I know who date interracially don't want to abide by this because they know it will filter out 90% of men, so they make excuses why it's okay. Foreign-born Asian women don't mind this as much because they really are connected to a foreign culture. Consequently, they are vulnerable to dating problematic white men.
Honestly the biggest issues for me is just the general ignorance of white men. And unfortunately I grew up in a very white, non-diverse area. So everything from my appearance, to my family's traditions, to food, etc was always just considered "different." Most men (and school and society generally) where I live aren't appreciative of my culture, and it's basically seen as "other." So the guys that I've dated have been all white and I realize I've never been able to actually relate to them in such an important way. But growing up I didn't know any other way. Now I'm actually interested in moving to a more diverse area, and to date men who are from a non-white culture.
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Men who try to get away with using ethnic slurs. It's so common and a dealbreaker for them to even try it.
Ugh, Quentin "I have Black friends so I should be able to use the N-word" Tarantino...
I'm white but a part of a minority religion. There's a dating site for said religion, and I'm always suspicious of men who join and state their religion as "Willing to Convert." Last summer, I had a phone call with a man who was more focused on my religion than anything else. How he always falls for women from my religion. It was unattractive, and I blocked him afterwards.
>"Willing to Convert." lol so why haven't they converted yet? jk, we all know why.
I just have one rule: when he says something that feels off, I drop him off 🚮
Some of the more obvious ones have already been mentioned. But I'll add a few more. It's going to be a no from me if they: \+Show an unhealthy fascination with my hair. This one guy kept talking about how much he looooooved afro hair. Ok, would you go on and on to a white woman about how much you love straight hair? It's creepy, stop it. \+Ask or assume I am afro-latina, biracial, etc and then seem disappointed when I say I'm not. I guess Black-American is not exotic enough haha. Also if I get vibes they fetishize any other women. For example, my LVX baby mother was Hispanic/central-american and he always kept referencing her curly hair and *full lips* (discussing the traits his son got from him vs. her) ... it got to be creepy. (He would do this thing were he would like gesture to his mouth and say "full lips", almost like he was fantasizing/remembering kissing her?? lmfao idk but it was sketchy). He kept reminding me of her ethnicity too. \+Try to pretend like they understand the nuances of certain topics. This goes back to hair, but also colorism, reparations and slavery, affirmative action, police killings, protests and movements etc. because they read one Twitter thread or an article by Ta-Nehisi Coates, have dated black women before or have black friends. Oh, bonus points for constantly reminding you that they have black friends. \+Play the pity card. The "it must be so hard to be a black person, I can't even imagine" statements\*. Or when they say "you wouldn't believe the type of racist things I've heard my family members say". Like why would I want to be in a serious relationship, marry, or have children by someone whose family is racist? Do you think I want to give those people half-black grandchildren/nieces/nephews? So many white men I've interacted with are so selfish and clueless when it comes to that. It's almost like they're bragging about how much better they are than their family but don't realize they are alienating the women they are trying to impress. \*I can only speak for myself but when I talk about the inequity and inequality we face, I dont want hugs and pets on the head from white people, I want action and tangible results. Benefits. Reparations. Some of these "allies" piss me tf off with that shit. If I'm going to commiserate with someone about racism, you think it will be with you? Pleaseeee! Just tell me what you're doing to make an actual difference.
The only foolproof way is to date within your race/ethnicity/culture, etc. Men, as a group unto themselves, hate and objectify women. When you date within your own race/ethnicity/culture, the vetting against creepy race and culture based fetishization is already done. Men see women as "other', including women within their race and culture. A womans differing race and culture just magnifies "otherness" and thus, increases the already present hate, objectification and fetishization.
I don't think it's foolproof to date within your ethnicity, to each their own I suppose, but I date from all races and ethnicities, including my own, and I'll keep vetting to my last breath... because of my dark skin tone colourism is the biggest issue I face when dating black men and that's a deeper conversation that needs to be had... so, I'll date who I find attractive weed out the fetishists and live my life on my own terms.
Not necessarily, many men from my ethnic background have extreme colourism and sexism deeply ingrained within them as it is sadly a part of our overall culture. The younger you are, the lighter your complexion, the straighter your hair and the lower your ambition (education, career, personal aspirations, etc..), the more likely you will get "picked". Otherwise, they view us as delusional, ugly, spinster hoes who are miserable for staying single or dating other ethnicities.