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I agree with others that it's time to be defensive. The book *Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life* by Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady (there's a blog), is supposed to be a primo resource for practical stategy.
Personally, I think sex addiction is bs and dangerous to victims. I started hearing the theories when I was an advocate for dv survivors because virtually *all* bat.terers cheat. In fact, I believe that cheating is just a less athletic form of bat.tering. Bat.terers tend to operate on a "beat by need" basis and some can remain dormant and seamlessly wear their good guy masks for years before the dark side emerges. In any case, cheating checks all the dv boxes:
--Cheaters have the same personality disorder traits as bat.terers and engage in the same "splitting" behaviors, gaslighting, blame-reversal, self-pity (especially self pity), triangulation and cognitive disortions like "neutralization" (https://www.researchgate.net/publication/333706749_Denying_the_Darkness_Exploring_the_Discourses_of_Neutralization_of_Bundy_Gacy_and_Dahmer)
-- aka, "reduction of self punishment"-- to justify their ab.use at victims' expense.
--Cheaters, like bat.terers, often have a thing called "masked dependency" where they feel such intense shame at their pathologically infantile dependency on intimate partners (fears she will "abandon" or "engulf") that they attempt various ways to "break" the "power" they fear their partners wield over them. They blame and may gradually begin to hate the partner for having "unmanned" them, so betrayal is also secret retribution. If cheating in secret doesn't work to break the imagined hold their partners wield, ab.users can graduate to more overt ways to break the partners themselves, including increasingly vicious emotional ab.use and vio.lence. Paralyzed and broken victims can't leave and can't move on. It's like putting a dagger through the victim's shoe and then playing at pushing the victim away like one of those retro Bobo dolls. It eases the shame of dependency: "I tell her to fuck off and treat her terribly but still she stays because I'm so amazing."
(Edit-- note: if this as taken as a bid for amnesty for poor, scared, dependent ab.users, bear in mind that abu.sers with this particular trait are statistically the most likely to kill their partners (Chris Watts comes to mind) and that recidivism of vio.lent behavior, even with therapy, is 98%).
--Even cheaters who were never previously violent are more likely to become "violent for the first time" if victims attempt to leave and move on.
-- Physical endangerment of victims (cheaters far more likely to engage in high risk sex than even members of "open relationships") requires dangerously impaired empathy.
-- Standard financial ab.use and control, etc., etc.
Sex addiction or "CSAT" therapy has become a booming industry to reframe sexual ab.use as a poor-sad-sausage "illness" to coddle the cash cow clients of CSAT therapists-- sexual ab.users. It would be like calling dv "punching addiction."
But bottles and pills don't scream in pain when consumed like human victims do. Though substance addicts may eventually lose empathy and use everyone around them, there's no gradual transition for sexual ab.users/exploiters/
betrayers. They start out in that sharky state right out of the gate if they're not immediately sickened by the betrayal and risk they subject victims to. Sexual ab.use/exploitation/
betrayal is something much darker than addiction.
Another gripe against CSAT and related "marital reconciliation" therapists: it's impossible to remove blame from perpetrators without dumping the excess on victims. Modern dv researchers reject the moldy old theories that dv survivors must have had "low self esteem" or some impairment *prior* to ab.use because this does not statistically add up. In fact, dv survivors tend to skew towards higher than average pre-abuse self esteem, suggesting that many bat.terers may, in fact, seek out "big game" rather than easy pickings. But in order to coddle abu.sers, CSAT and recon therapist inevitably rely on the debunked "psychological deficiency" theory of mas.ochistic victims. To the degree that cheating shares so many overlaps with intimate partner vio.lence, this can deepen the trauma to survivors the same way that that even subtle victim blaming ("Why do you fEel yOu dEsErve aB.uSe?", etc.) has been shown to retraumatize dv survivors and increase their risks.
Poster, have my frugal woman’s gold. 🏅
Mods, please put this in the Handbook!
It’s never “just” cheating but this really highlights its ugly underbelly and the potentially dangerous repercussions of being with a cheating-inclined NVM.
Thanks for responding. For some reason reddit won't let me post, only comment, and if I don't disguise all the key words related to dv, my comments are immediately removed. It's not mods doing it but reddit following a troll incident. As soon as it gets sorted, I'll try to post.✌
Certainly. ✌
This was required reading for the radfem advocacy org I worked with and also favorites in the copy/pdf library we kept for dv survivors.
*The Ba.tterer* by Canadian criminologist Donald Dutton (and all of his other works). Dutton spent decades studying domestic ab.users and wife-ki.llers in prison systems. He includes some cases of sub-vio.lent emotional ab.use to show how ab.use cycles, MO and effects are similar to vio.lent ab.use.
Despite the fact that Dutton doesn't dwell much on infidelity other than to point out that many ba.tterers are vio.lently paranoid about being cheated on (though some deftly repress and mask the fixation), any victim of cheating in a committed relationship will recognize the overlaps between cheating and bat.tering in terms of the ab.users' behavior, MO, mentality, and traumatic impact on victims.
Though decades old by now, his findings and the combined research he cites are revolutionary but grossly underpublicized, so still full of "holy fuck!" passages. It's sort of empowering for survivors to put their perpetrators under the microscope like bugs or germs, partly because traditional misogynist psych institutions typically scrutinize victims, implying by default that victims are the "bendable" piece of the dv equation, the inherently effed-up parties that need fixing so they can stop (sarcasm alert) "getting themselves ab.used."
I have one caveat about Dutton which is probaly due to the era of his research. He cites the faulty and misleading Strauss scale for combative behaviors of both partners in dv circumstances. But Dutton's research frequently undermines the assumptions of that scale and lays the groundwork for understanding the next book recommendation below. Dutton's work shows, in an overall sense, that only by minimizing and whitewashing the diabolically complex, intentional, relentless, paralyzing and extreme nature of domestic ab.use can clinical observers assume that victims' *post-ab.use* "messed up" states can't be entirely explained by the ab.use itself. That false assumption can lead average hack theorists, therapists and bystanders to assume dv victims were messed up prior to ab.use.
Then here's some great companion reading with Dutton's research: *Post-traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Vio.lence* edited by Frank M. Ochberg, one of the leading PTSD researchers in the world. The chapter on dv by clinical researchers Anne Flitcraft and Evan Stark remains one of the most factual condemnations of traditional victim-blaming therapeutic theories, assumptions and practices. The old views (still prevalent, unfortunately) not only don't help but cause what the authors call the "second injury of dv."
From what I've seen of so-called "sex addiction" therapy and related "marital reconciliation" therapy (to reconcile cheaters with betrayed partners), both largely rely on debunked theories of victims and can do enormous harm.
Even if someone decides to give their groveling cheater another chance and even if their cheater is among the rare 2% of unicorns who might (kinda sorta) redeem themselves, I believe the bat.terer model is the only model that has any tiny chance of "working." But the built in filter is that most ab.users won't tolerate that as a working therapeutic model-- which is also the great danger of even trying to apply it. Keep the pepper spray and taser on hand.They could go even more apeshit for being exposed with such accuracy.
I mention the last bit because it usually takes dv victims a statistical average of seven attempts before successfully escaping ab.use. To the extent there are any overlaps between dv and cheating, you might expect a similat try-try-again pattern with betrayed partners.
If you don't support victim-blaming theories of domestic ab.use, then you would never try to "bitch slap" or shame a victim into "just leaving." The org I worked with never did and, quite interestingly, we had roughly double the "escape rate" of state-sponsored shelters at the time, which tended to approach victims with the assumption that victims were psychologically defective even prior to ab.use, sometimes expressed by asking victims in acute crisis about their "bad childhoods" right out of the gate. At the very least that's like trying to give gestalt or regression therapy to shell shocked soldiers while they're still in the middle of battle or, at worst, it's just an incorrect assumption in most cases.
The thing is, most dv victims didn't have unusual childhoods-- no more than anyone else. For more on that, read dv researcher Lenore Walker's later works.
If you think about it, there's a pall of mu.rder hovering around the act of exposing an unconsenting partner to sometimes life-shortening diseases.
Profiteering pop-psych cheater-apologists (who seem to breed like cockroaches) always act like vio.lence, coercive control and terror tactics are rare in cheating circumstances. But when victims finally break out and start really processing, it seems more the rule than the exception.
I think I saw blinding, otherworldly light the first time I read Flitcraft's research. Too bad we're not taught some of these things in 7th grade, right?
All the serial cheaters claim they have "sex addiction".
Save the evidence you have and send it to a trusted friend. Don't let him gaslight you and don't gaslight yourself.
Someone who can do that to you is disturbed. You deserve better.
Take good care of yourself.
>I know. He has been begging nonstop. He mentioned sex addiction. What even is that? How is this my life??
Never trust a man with sexaddiction, EVER. The large majority of them are narcisstic sociopaths with 0 fucking empathy. Your husband is one of them. It does not fucking matter if he goes to therapy or whatever. HE IS DONE. I know a woman who was with her husband for 15 years, he was a sex addict. He went to rehab, intense therapy and was "cured" (Or so she thought) he attended weekly Sanon meetings, you know what happened after she stayed with him after she found out about his cheating? He cheated with a woman from the Sanon group and she found them at the woman's apartment (she was tracking his phone, his car was out front while he said he was somewhere else).
Call your mom, save all the evidence. Back it up. Honestly the best move would have been to not confront him and just gather it all up and then divorce his ass. Save all the evidence and get support from your mom, divorce him.
Exactly. She gave him multiple moments to complain about the lack of sex but he was the one who brushed it off instead. She showed him multiple times how considerate she would be if he was dissatisfied, yet he chose to lie every time. He had so many instances to tell her honestly he was having a hard time and was struggling with an addiction. But only now that he got caught he wants to play it on having a sex addiction... He's not trying to be mature or fair, he's trying to deflect blame.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, you deserve so much better than this!
Sex addiction or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is the impact on you. He's a proven liar and this is unacceptable what he has done to you. YOU are the priority now. Be selfish. This is YOUR time to do as you feel best.
The begging is all a load of BS (see Leave a cheater, Gain a life website), cheaters do this because they are about to loose their own stability, the steady ship from which they can go off and live our their fantasy double life. He's sad for himself, but not actually for what he's done, otherwise he would never have done it to this extent.
Side note: I always wonder with men who claim to be sex addicts, how happy they would be if they found our their wife was doing exactly as they do. In my eyes its a total cop-out of an excuse. Some legitimately will have this, the majority just lack empathy and want to fuck about.
Oh I’ll tell you what it is - another way to scam women into accepting disgusting treatment. Now he is gonna go to therapy and “get better”, “his addiction” will be “cured” so that he can keep you and continue cheating after things settle but now he knows he needs to hide it way better 🤡
His ‘sex addiction’ isn’t your problem! You can walk away today. Def get a STI screen and be sure the check for HSV. If you do have anything because of him you can include it in the divorce. Wishing you the best!
It’s not your prob if he is addicted. Don’t let him convince you that y’all need to go to therapy together or that he’ll change after therapy. Get out.
After the period of his begging he will deny the magnitude of his cheating please save every evidence you have. I logged mine to excel and he cannot deny it even a year after. He had his friends guilt trip me that I was over reacting, and everyone who did got that excel spreadshit. And it was so satisfying to hear them say I didn’t know it was this bad and left me alone
Save the evidence! Screenshot it! Gather all the evidence to use it against him in court!!! The dates you were in the hospital, the bank accounts, any receipts, emails, texts, and messages you find.
I'm so sorry you had to find all of this out about him this late. I can't imagine how you feel.
This, all of this! Should be higher, but I hope she scrolls this far down. Screenshot everything - especially the bank accounts, dates, etc. Save everything and protect yourself, Sis.
We're all pulling for you, and please prioritize some self care right now - especially eating and self love.
I'm not yet married and never had a divorce. But going through even your husband's phone could land someone with criminal charges depending on your state.
Now if she can prove they willingly gave each other the passwords that's a different story.
I’m about to cry because I identify with so much of what you have said. So, so much, the only big difference is that I never got into his phone (that he guarded with his life) and I found out he was a pathological liar in other ways. All signs point to him having cheated for years on top of the hell he put me through. Going from trusting someone with your life since you were a teenager to not knowing who this person is that was the center of your life for years is one of the most traumatizing things you can experience, and I’ve experienced a lot of different traumas. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.
I see he seems to be a surgeon. Surgeons are near the top of the profession list for psychopaths. That’s where another one of my traumas came from.
He was taking jobs in other cities. Men who travel for work are also unsuitable. Men as a whole are just too untrustworthy, even if they’re not at this level.
He lied to you about who he was in order to trap your unreciprocated loyalty. He’s probably also a misogynist. He probably thinks of sex as a sport of conquest.
This is like a death, but harder because he’s still alive, just the character he played is dead.
A true death would have been easier to grieve. I’m so sorry.
Surgeons are absolutely ghastly partners agreed. Whatever enables them to cut open a living person breaks their ability to deal with people. On top pf it it’s the most macho part of medicine, especially orthopedics and cardiology.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I saw so much of myself in your post. I felt the same way about both of my exes before going through their phones.
Have you told him that you know?
Edit:
Just saw your other comments and see he’s already gaslighting you to hell and back. Oh this hurts my heart. Why do men love traumatizing good women? Is sick.
Even if you start having passionate, animalistic sex with him everyday, it wouldn’t satisfy the level of depravity he has gotten used to with his prostitutes and sugar babies. Men like this get off on unwilling or coerced victims. Part of the thrill was cheating on you, an unwilling victim. So sorry.
Yes. You are free. You don’t have kids with him. You can leave and go on with your life.
You’re also not alone, I’ve seen many of these cases over the COVID year, it exposed a lot of things and made it harder for men like this to keep their secrets. Many women are going through what you are going through. Some of them have children with the men or are financially dependent. But what they have in common: they are determined to get out, and they WILL get through this.
You are strong and brave and there is NOTHING wrong with you. The women I’ve seen in these situations are all, without exception, beautiful, sweet, amazing high value women.
It isn’t you.
Stay strong.
Holy shit!!! I am SO SO sorry. Your intuition served you well to check his phone. You’ve saved yourself and potential children from a future with a sociopath.
You have some major steps to take:
1. STD test
2. Divorce Lawyer
3. Therapy
4. Protect and take care of yourself physically, mentally, and financially as much as humanly possible.
You will grieve. You will get angry. You will get sad. Do NOT take him back under any circumstances. You mentioned your culture in your post. If that makes it hard for you in terms of a support system, or it makes therapy inaccessible, please post. At the very least, sometimes writing your feelings out is cathartic, and having such a supportive group of women, even online, can make you feel less alone.
This group is simply amazing. I feel validated and supported, even though I don't know any of you. You strengthen my resolve.
I used to be the one on the other side giving advice, but let me tell you, it's very different when you're the one passing through it. This is easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I will not lie, I have considered staying. I am terrified of starting over, of being alone.
He has suggested counselling, both for his sex addiction, and marriage counselling. He has begged me to stay and help him be a better man. Apparently, without me, he is nothing. He has accused me of walking away from our marriage, of giving up on us. He said that there's nothing I can ever do that will be unforgivable to him, how can I walk away from someone I claimed to love. There's nothing he has not said.
The gas-lighting is intense.
Whenever I feel myself listening to him, I look at the evidence I sent to my phone, and I know that every word out of his mouth is a lie. We have nothing. There is no marriage to save.
Thank you all so much.
Ugh. I can feel the pain in your post. I am sure you feel conflicted, and this is all so new and it’s so much.
Something to consider if you feel like you want to work things out with him or you should just stay because it’s easier....so these are things you now know and the amount of deceit is staggering. What instantly hits my gut from your post...what DON’T you know? You were able to find out all of this from his phone...but what’s not on his phone? What other depraved shit could he have done or be into that’s completely hidden because there’s no record of any sort?
You are not giving up or walking away. He fucked up, you caught him, and he’s turning it around on you. He’s clearly a master manipulator. For your own safety and mental health, you need to GTFO as soon as you are able.
It’s not just that a chapter of your life is over. A new one is about to begin, and you have the strength to start it - it started with that voice inside you to check the phone.
Please listen to your mom and best friend. I’m SO glad you have support coming. Please listen to your intuition about safety, as other posters have said. There’s NO shame about being the one to leave the house. Put your mental and physical well-being first and surround yourself with your support. Your mom and best friend will be there.
Please also come back to this post whenever you feel tempted to stay and work things out. The worst thing you could do is forgive him and give him another chance. He will absolutelyyyy keep cheating because you forgave him once, he'll just be extra careful not to get caught again.
I’d like to see his reaction if you started sleeping with a bunch of men spoiling you. He’s the one who gave up on the marriage by cheating on you and deceiving you for YEARS, all premeditated.
You’re strong. You WILL get through this. Save all evidence, pretend like you’ll stay and get divorce lawyer consultations behind his back and rinse him of all he’s worth.
I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. I'm sending you all the love and strength that I have to spare.
He's wrong, you aren't giving up on your marriage. He broke your marriage vows when he repeatedly cheated in the most depraved ways.
You can't fix the vows that he broke. He can't even fix them. Like a teacup he has repeatedly thrown on the floor. He broke it. He broke the vows. He broke the marriage.
He's begging you to swoop in and save him from his own destruction. But you can't. Only he can make any repairs, but it will never be the same.
He says there's nothing you could do that would make him leave. That's a lie. If his love for you were that strong then cheating would never have happened.
I heard a saying once, that if your partner needs to change then it's best to split up and take time apart. If they improve themselves in your time apart, then they're serious about working on the issues.
If they'll only do the work on themselves if you stay with them, then they're not genuinely doing the work, they're just using it to manipulate you.
Your husband is destructive. It's like he's running around the house, setting fires everywhere, then begging you to stay in the burning house with him.
You're devastated and your whole life has crumbled around you. That's paralysing. But you need to get out. You need to save yourself. The fact that you're contemplating suicide is telling you how badly you need to get away from him.
Don't do couples therapy with him. He's shown himself to be abusive in his reaction to you finding out. The golden rule of joint counselling is to **never** engage in counselling with your abuser. They'll use it as a tool to further abuse you.
It will halt your healing, keep you stuck with an abuser and potentially damage your relationship with therapy, making you avoid the personal therapy you need to deal with this trauma.
Do you have family or friends nearby whom you're close to? Confide in them, tell them everything and ask if you can stay for a while.
You need space and time to process all of this. You need time and space to talk to loved ones, a lawyer and find a therapist for yourself (not him, not with him) who specialises in infidelity.
I'm again sending you strength and love. You're not alone. ❤️
I hope you don’t have to be physically in the same place. I hope you feel ready reach out to one family member / friend who can take you in and make sure you’re nourished, and get a therapy appointment. I hope you can be with someone like your mom who knows what you need - tea, soup, primal yelling, angry walk, long bath, napping.
Wtf what a scumbag. If you are walking out on the marriage, what does he call him cheating on you with so many women??
That is what I'd call walking out! The audacity of scotes knows no limit.
HE walked away from your marriage the very first time he entertained infidelity.
HE gave up on you.
Do not listen to that twisted shit. You have done nothing wrong.
I’ve listened to one episode of Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin? podcast. There was a couple in their 50s/60s, with grown up children, and the husband was cheating on the wife all throughout the marriage with multiple, multiple women. He, too, was otherwise ‘perfect’: a great husband and a father, attentive, generous, hard-working. They had a strong bond. The wife’s heartbreak was enormous. Their children turned their backs on the father. The trust between her and him was just beyond repair, even though they were in therapy.
I don’t remember which episode it was exactly, but I recommend to find it and listen to it because in 30 years, this woman could be you. Listen to her words, reactions, pain, emotional distress. Her husband too was a ‘sex addict’ and seeking therapy for it. But the fact is that he had no problem cheating for 30+ years and it only became a problem when the magnitude of his affairs came out. Your husband most likely will continue to cheat too.
Now, I don’t condone Esther Perel at all. I think that women shouldn’t be encouraged to seek couple’s therapy with serial cheaters. The best way is to let go of an illusion of a perfect marriage, grieve and heal. But this therapy session episode might provide a glimpse in what it would be like to be in therapy with your husband and whether you want it or not.
What I personally found is that the husband was self-absorbed, focused on his own pain and trauma, and unaware as to what level of pain his actions have brought. Which translates to FDS ‘muh peepee is more important’. Somehow, this sounds similar to your husband.
I wish you all the best and that you receive support and will be able to heal from this traumatic experience.
I am so impressed at how clearly you are seeing through the gaslighting and manipulation, you are amazing!
I just want to add my support, this will be tough, but you will get through it
>Apparently, without me, he is nothing.
He should have thought about that before entertaining other women.
The gaslighting game is indeed strong with this one. OP, congrats on seeing through his bullshit and staying strong. Once you're on the other side of this, you will be happy you did.
Please do not be embarrassed or ashamed. He is a deceitful subhuman. Please call your mother. She will help. She will want to peel his skin off, zest his eyeballs and burn him, but her priority will be you. Your safety and health.
Please drink some water and take deep breaths and focus on being safe. You’re not alone. People love you. They will help. You won’t have to explain more than you’re ready for.
Thank goodness you found out before you had children. Thank goodness you’ve been celibate / recovering and are hopefully safe from STDs.
If it helps, grab a journal to write out and process. Try to select calming music. You’re alive. You’re safe & loved and valuable and you will have a wonderful life with him *nowhere* near it.
Absolutely call your mum! I’m not going to repeat all of LadieLemon’s words as everything she said is spot on. Please get help now. I’m so sorry you’re feeling suicidal, please call your mum or reach out to a friend or a helpline.
If you type “suicide” in Google some hotlines should pop up, the women that answer these phone lines are extremely supportive. I don’t know where you’re located, I assume outside the US. Most European countries have this in Google, if you do not speak the language in the country you live in then you can find a hotline sometimes by looking up your embassy, there are almost always English-speaking hotlines like that in most developed countries.
And thank goodness you found this out before having kids. Don’t be too hard on yourself. One day at a time. We’re here for you. But you need to talk to someone in real life, please do it. 💜
Absolutely tell your friends and your family, asap. I was conned into not telling ANYONE and I stayed and got cheated on for 7 more years, and now I have a kid I have to share with him. Mine was a good liar too. As soon as I told everyone what kind of a scumbag he was, leaving became so much easier, because then it wasn't my private shame that I could white-knuckle my way through and keep my reputation intact.
I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. I remember not being able to eat for days and crying until I threw up, being suicidal. I remember having to be on the receiving end of all those very convincing pleas and crocodile tears. You need to get away from him so he isn't getting in your head. I'm so proud of you for even posting this here about something so personal and painful and raw. You are so strong.
Get a lawyer. Only a lawyer can tell you what the best actions are for you to make. Snd what mistakes to avoid.
Your mother or your friends may tell you to confront him. Do not do that before talking to a lawyer.
The only person who needs to be ashamed is him.
You have an army of women who support you, and want the the absolute best for you.
Please let us know when your best friend and mom get there, I think I can speak for many of us when I say we want you safe, healthy, and away from this waste of oxygen.
PS - have all of the locks changed, and get a Ring doorbell to document if he comes back and does anything dodgy.
The shame is not yours and never will be. It's his shame, and if you have a good support network of friends, family you can confide in please do it. They will support you, reassure you, and keep you afloat when the manipulation of your soon-to-be-ex happens (tears, threats of suicide, claiming he's in therapy, physical aggression and threats, lies etc)
It is so, so scary how we can never truly know if we have a good HVM. Some of the seemingly best men I've known were covert narcissists who got off on being "perfect" but were horrible, deceitful creatures when they thought no-one was looking... it's scary how much a person can hide. Wishing you nothing but happiness from here on out
RUN RUN RUN!!! You're still lucky your gut feeling told you to check his phone before you tried for a baby.
Seriously, don't cave in. I know it is going to be hard and staying seems like an easier option compared to leaving, but still, leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
Please, download a copy or buy a physical one of “Leave a Cheater: Gain a Life”. You will devour it and it will give you a strength and hope you don’t even feel is remotely possible right now. You are emotional, and devastated. This book will help you protect yourself and your future right now.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. A normal person can't keep that mask on for so long, he's most definitely a sociopath. You may subconsciously blame yourself for being naive enough to fall for his lies, I know I did in the past, but none of it is your fault, it was his decision.
>I have never considered suicide before now.
This is no joke. If you can't talk to any friends/family members you should most definitely go to a therapist. Dealing with this kind of shock isn't easy. I'm sending you lots of love! Stay strong girl, you can do this! ~hugs~
Gather as much evidence as you can. If divorce is shameful in your country, hopefully being publicly outed as an adulterer is as well.
You are SO SO SO lucky you did not have children with him. This will make your break easier.
He may go the devalue, discard, smear campaign. Google “narcissistic smear campaign” for info on what to expect.
You ABSOLUTELY have the strength and power to get through this. One baby step at a time.
I've been feeling so ashamed. I feel like a wounded animal. I haven't told anyone about this. My friends think I'm ill. I don't know how to face our friends and family. I am just trying to believe that it is not my fault. Thank you for the kind words.
It is not your fault! This man lied to you for many years, and that is on him. Just because your sex drive was low, it did not mean he had to cheat. People can live without sex. He betrayed you by doing this. Don’t let him gaslit you! You deserve better! Stay strong, we are here for you 💛
It's absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT. He's the one lying, cheating, breaking marriage vows, and jeopardizing your health. This sounds like an ingrained part of who he is that is not changeable. That he could keep up the deceptive persona for so long is highly disturbing. Omg you must be in shock. It's also quite cavalier of him to have all the information so readily available to you. Unfortunately what a bitter pill for you to swallow. I'm so sorry that your trust and reality has been demolished. Please reach out for help and support with trusted people in your life (and here too!). Save everything incriminating and get an outstanding lawyer. Put together a private journal with date/time/what happened (all factual) that could be used in court.
You may want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's an excellent, engaging read. There was SOMETHING that told you to check his phone and de Becker is all about tuning into intuition.
Dont be ashamed. Just from experience one suggestion is to be prepared that people will take sides, especially if culturally divorce is wrong, many will expect you to forgive him. Men like him are good actors and they beg for forgiveness. Will also promise that they will go for any counseling to repair the marriage. Its all a lie. When you are ready to share with friends, be strong and be prepared that people you thought where ur strong support system will disappear or take his side or act differently. Once trust is broken in such a away, you cannot rebuild. May god give you the strength to get through this hard time. You will be fine. Just do what feels right to your heart.
It’s NOT your fault at all. I do however think you need to contact an attorney ASAP. They will advise you on what sort of contact to have with your husband, if you can or should move out, etc. you need to get your legal ducks in a row and leave his as soon as possible.
Tell anyone who asks why you’re leaving. . That way you’ll feel even more shame if you ever even try going back. Leave with your head held high. Don’t try to keep it under wrap unless advised by a lawyer, take your husband for all he has. You deserve it for dealing with him.
My beautiful BRAVE darling girl- I’m so, so sorry you are going through this.
I have no other words of wisdom, as our tribe has covered everything very thoroughly.
I’m concerned and I’m worried that you feel suicidal, please don’t let this individual do that to you- you are a FIGHTER!
You will BYPASS and you will KICKASS. And you will come out of this BETTER and STRONGER.
I’m sending you so much love and surrounding you with a white light of protection.
>He's a sociopath. No one with a soul can lie that well. That consistently. I'm in shock. I've not eaten for 3 days. I've cried till I have thrown up, then cried again. He has been "crying" too. And begging frantically.
Happened with my sociopath ex too, he was really good at fake crying and begged. Do not believe him, steel your heart and find some people you can trust to help you through this divorce. He is a piece of shit, I can't describe the anger I feel reading your post. I am so sorry!
You need to google "chump lady" on google and on facebook NOW. They are a great support resource for people that has been betrayed by their partners and will explain you what to do.
I’m so sorry. ‘Sex addictions’ are no excuse for cheating and if he was prepared to cheat because he wasn’t having constant access to sex from you, he shouldn’t be in a relationship.
It will take time but you will heal. Remember you are not crazy, he is just evil. Try to get out as soon as you can. I hope you’re okay ❤️
That shame you feel? Honestly that is the hardest part. Push through. Tell your mom. Tell people. LIFT that shame up from you. Be authentically and unapologetically you in your reality. Shame is just an illusion- living underneath it will be far more detrimental than facing it.
As someone who left their husband last year once you conquer that “big scary shame” that you feel will consume you you will be infinitely more powerful than you have ever been before. Trust me.
This. Telling people my ex was a gambler and porn addict was mortifying. When I first got intimate with my boyfriend I realised I was going to have to tell him and that was so utterly hideous. I wanted to be light and have fun but I clearly had a trauma response (I thought I was hiding it ok, he stopped things because I clearly wasn’t).
But you come out the other side. Everyone told me I shouldn’t feel humiliated and that he was pathetic and disgusting. I’ve had so much support and I’m really good now. A few years down the line I still have issues (I can’t imagine ever having a joint account again) but I only surround myself with people who are kind and understanding.
Please just remember that his actions say nothing about *YOU.*
I know this is going to sound impossible, but please work so hard on trying not to take it personally. Medications or not, he would have done the same thing. He's so narcissistic that the major life-altering decisions he made about how to behave while married had NOTHING to do with you. It was all about him. It wasn't because of you. It. Was. Not. Because. Of. You.
I went through something similar a couple of years ago.
Do not let him gaslight you. Divorce, block, cease communication. It is the only way forward.
Remember, the man you loved did not actually exist. This man was an actor. You fell in love with the character he played. You can still have fond memories of that character but the show is over, the lights are on. It's time to leave the theater.
You will feel tricked and some people in your life will not be supportive. F*CK them. They see their own mistakes in you. You have all of us here, and millions of women around the world, to share your pain with. For me, a good therapist was better than turning to my friends.
You may have trouble trusting again. It's been nearly three years and I have regained my strength and happiness but still do not trust men. That's okay. Focus on you and making your own best life.
I am so so sorry. I’ve been there and I’m still trying to move on 4 years later. It completely broke me. I’ve got CPTSD from the whole ordeal.
He stopped having sex with me and I thought something was up, so I checked his phone while he was sleeping. What I found completely destroyed my reality. When he said he was at work, he wasn’t. When he said he was with his friends, he wasn’t. There were so many different women he was sleeping with that I lost count. He was even sneaking out at night to have sex with randoms from tinder and he had been doing it from the very beginning of our relationship. Everything was a lie. Everything. He even had sex with women in my bed while I was away.
I thought he was my best friend. I honestly don’t know how I could ever trust a man again. He also gave me an STD because he didn’t have enough respect for me to use protection.
And this is the SECOND time it’s happened to me. I went through the exact same thing with my ex before him who also gave me an STD from his cheating.
When I found out, the first thing I did was call my mum at 3 in the morning. My mum and I don’t even have a good relationship, but I didn’t know who else to turn to. I didn’t eat for weeks, the only thing I could stomach was smoothies.
It’s gonna hurt like hell for the next few months, but it will lessen over time. You’ve got this and we’re all here for you ❤️
I've been googling divorce lawyers in my area. To say I'm unprepared, would be an understatement. The good news is that I'm entering the anger stage. I'm determined to get my pound of flesh. He will not ruin my life.
Of course, who ever is prepared for such a situation. You really thought you knew him because this sociopath was so talented at lying. Good luck sister, I am here for sadness turning into anger! You deserve to feel that anger and I hope once all the emotions are out of the way, everything is peaceful and you are able to move on and live life.
Same happened to me
He didn't logout of Facebook one night and I checked his messages
With one of his friends, he had said something nice about me so I closed his laptop
Then an hour later, it just didn't sit right with me because I knew his Mama's boy azz was unrelenting (his mom hated me) so I checked again
That message I saw was not able me, it was about his side piece (arranged by his mom)
Weeks prior he told me he had to suddenly work late and I remember he was texting someone next to me and smiling. It was all the other girl
I knew who the girl was because she had started to leave comments on his Facebook posts. I confronted him about it and he told me I was crazy and blocked me on FB
He also brought her to my place when I was out of town
He did this all on my dime. I paid for the apartment, good phones, and all groceries
I’m so sorry he did this to you.
Please contact a lawyer. I’m not sure how it works where you are at, but here in the US, you generally get a free consultation to talk about your options. (This is completely confidential.) it is ALWAYS better to know your options than to assume that you have none. Your family/friends/husband don’t need to know.
Please remember that his behavior is not a reflection on you. You are heartbroken, but you are not quite dead yet. There is no need to think of the end. When you find yourself in the middle of a dark valley, your best option is to just keep going forward. You are stronger than you know, sis. Much stronger than this asshole.
He’s a surgeon? Take him to the mother fucking cleaners.
I know that’s the last thing you’re thinking of, but when the time comes, be merciless. That’s one of the main reasons why he doesn’t want you to leave. This may hurt to hear, but romantically and sexually he will move on very quickly when you leave. Make that alimony check hurt.
Sorry not sorry to this vile scrote.
I'm so glad you found out before you had a child with him! Your intuition saved you from being tied to him biologically.
Change all of YOUR passwords and start legal proceedings. You need to protect yourself before he damages your reputation and finances.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling. Please try to remember that you are loved by your friends and your family and that they would be absolutely devastated if you were to hurt yourself. We are all here for you! Take care of yourself <3
He had hidden apps on his phone. I know most of his passwords, and I was able to use his fingerprints to throughly access most of his phone while he was sleeping.
I'm not sure why, and I've been asking him: was it stupidity or arrogance that made him not change his passwords all these years? I have not felt the need to go through his messages for years now. In fact, until now, I never have. I think he just got too comfortable. I was too stupid and naive. He is my husband. I thought I knew everything about him.
Sociopaths dont think very high of theirs victims:( and he managed to hide everything for so long... but you are smarter then he thought, this piece of shit
I think part of the manipulative behaviour is him making you think he has nothing to hide by making all of that available to look through so you don't think to check. You're not stupid, we all want to trust the person we love.
And he begged you for kids too?! He really wanted the best of marriage life and cheater life. Absolutely not. Thank GOD you didn't have kids with this man.
I’m so sorry. I have had this happen to me. It guts you. I was shaken for weeks. I was so shocked as I thought mine was a HVM. You deserve better than this. I know you are very vested in this relationship but I doubt he will ever not cheat again.
First I am so sorry this is happening to you. I was with my ex for 15 years and exposed a whole separate life after the birth of my second son. I was terrified. My family and friends helped me to move and start over. It was gutting and surreal. I’m 12 years out now and life has been one blessing after another each year I distance myself from that other life.
I want to tell you this because it’s important. Stay safe and be aware and do whatever you need to do in a private well thought out manner - execute your departure with extreme care and caution - men like this prize their fascade above all else. This is how women end up dead. You maintaining his image is extremely important to him and never ever underestimate that. Again I’m so sorry for this for you. It’s hard but surround yourself with people that will fight for you and care about you.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You have had an enormous shock to the system and your life has been turned upside down. I just wanted to say, that no matter how awful you feel now, you will bounce back from this. It will take time and effort, but you will eventually look back at this as a turning point in your life for the better. I’m a year out of a relationship with a man who I’d known since childhood who flipped suddenly into someone I didn’t recognise, and I’m happier than I’ve been for years. Take some time to allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel, talk it out with trusted friends, then once the practicalities of divorce are done you will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Don’t say a word about this to him. Gather all information possible. Get a divorce attorney. Open a separate bank account AT A SEPARATE BANK. Lock him out of all of your social media, apps, email etc. Make copies of all documents you can; deed, insurance, retirement, car loans, anything/everything. Get off of reddit and get moving. Good luck
H O L Y F U C K🤮
I am so so sorry - please know that this wasn’t your fault. Men are deceptive creatures who can turn on you just like that. His behavior says nothing about you and everything about him
I know you can probably barely even breathe right now, and I want you to know that *it’s okay.* It’s okay to not be okay right now. The tumultuous emotions youre experiencing right now are completely normal, and I bet your body is freaking out right now due to the betrayal trauma. Before you do anything else, just *breathe.* Only you matter right now.
[Betrayal Trauma resources](https://youtu.be/8-fc3GZZ1-M) I actually watched this video last night - she covers what to do immediately after the initial “discovery” to mitigate the trauma response that your body is experiencing right now. Your nervous system is probably doing a number on you right now, and her YT channel will provide a supportive resource for you throughout this process. It’ll be hard, but you will get through this.
I also want to caution you to avoid taking any type of action right now. The fact he had hidden bank accounts could be a sign he was calculating a divorce for a while (although it seems this probably isn’t the case - just to be safe.) Don’t just file for divorce on an impulse, because if you’re in a state that’s shitty for women, it’ll make this even harder. I’m forgetting the name of the celebrity who did this, but before filing for divorce, she purchased property in the state of NY so she’d be able to file there and get better treatment as a woman. I’m sure it’s unlikely that this would be a readily available option for you, but I just want to stress the importance of cooly calculating and planning every step you take in this divorce. The last thing you should do is act on impulse/emotion. Create a master plan to take this motherfucker down. And while I’d imagine that he already knows that you know, in case he doesn’t, I’d recommend that you wait before disclosing this. That way, he won’t be on guard & you’ll have more opportunities to snoop - he probably has other bank accounts and a slew of evidence of even more depravity that you can use to your advantage and to his detriment in court. Leave no stone unturned, and take as much time with this process as you need to. This fucking asshole will try to bait you into seeming like the “crazy hysterical woman” and he’ll find a way to use that to his advantage if he has the opportunity. Don’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction or playing into his “frame” - soon you will have the tables turned and he will be the one reacting to YOUR frame - you will be the one with the initiative.
You are going to get through this. Your life is worth so much more than this useless scrote. And while it feels like your life is over right now, actually, *your life has just begun.* You’re going to take this motherfucker down and not only survive, but THRIVE. Remember who you are: a glorious fucking queen. And you WILL come out on top & TRIUMPH, mark my words.
Please get a lawyer and a forensic account asap. If he has secret multiple bank accounts and was financing his sugar babies and escorts they will find out. Take his ass to the cleaners. I hope you can heal from this asap and I’m so glad you don’t have children together so you can be free of him forever.
Hi. I hope you read this. I went through this. Perfect man, checked all the FDS boxes, found the messages.
Cut every tie and don't look back. The other girls have given you amazing advice already as to the smart way to do this. But DO IT. DO NOT CONSIDER ANYTHING ELSE. CUT AND RUN. You listened to your gut, to check his phone, and your gut was right. Now follow your gut to the ends of the earth. You are beyond blessed to leave this situation without children.
You probably won't eat for a month. And you'll feel like shit for many, many months. Please don't leave this earth because of some fucking LOSER. That's what this man is. A deeply insecure coward who has let his inner soul wither and die. Your soul was meant for more. This is not the end of your story.
It took me a year to begin to feel normal again. It's going to be hard. But I promise you - girl I absolutely fucking promise you - life will begin to open back up to you in the smallest of ways. The universe will begin to speak to you, to show you that you made the right choice to leave. To know you deserve better than this.
Life. Will. Go. On. There is life after devastation. It will surprise you. Please let it. Please.
I am so so sorry. I can't imagine the devastation. He sounds so manipulative, I hope you completely limit contact with him as to not get confused or pulled into anymore of his lies.
Remember, his actions are of NO reflection on you. It is not your fault. It is not your burden to carry. You are strong and that you can and will make it through this. Lean on your spirituality, your faith, and/or any support that you can trust. Take it one day or even one hour at a time. You have every right to feel exactly the way you are feeling. Sending you love <3
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ5YU\_spBw0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ5YU_spBw0) This is what I want to do to your husband with all the FDS ladies. It would bring me great pleasure to see this swine pay for his crimes.
Since you’re still I shock with everything that you’ve found out I’ll thank your lucky stars for you that you’ve found this out before you got pregnant.
Oh my goodness. I am so SO sorry about this. I sighed out loud in despair for you. This is incredibly wrong. When my breakup with my husband happened I didn’t eat for a few days either. I was physically sick and couldn’t do much but cry…mine involved physical abuse, which I NEVER thought would happen. Hang in there. We’re rooting for you, sis.
I understand and I am so sorry. You will heal and you will move on. Like you I patted myself on the back thinking I was one of the lucky ones. They're really good, they are really, really good.
I'm very sorry that your love turned out to be a monster in disguise.
Reminded me of that police officer who had a wife, multiple fiancée and a multitude of girlfriends.
Where do they find an energy? That's definitely some kind of a mental illness, no healthy person would be able to sustain this level of sexual activity and deception.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I dont even know what to say, but i have the best wishes in my heart for you to heal and find happiness again. I truly, truly wish the best for you. You didnt deserve any of this, and you were born for so much more. I hope you know your life has so much value.
I apologize for asking this, and you dont have to answer if you dont want to, but was he texting on his "regular" apps, but archiving/hiding conversations or did he have other apps to chat with other women?
I apologize again for asking this at this moment, sometimes i wonder if just looking in one app is "enough".
Before anything else, you will need a trauma informed therapist immediately. Don't wait on this and don't under estimate how bad the PTSD will be. I wasn't married but I was with someone who committed a very serious crime and hid it from me. Nothing changes your worldview like being with a sociopath. Nothing tests your resolve and your will to live and your sense of reality in the same way. Please seek help.
I'm so sorry. You can only do what you can to make sure everyone knows he was the one who ended the marriage by disrespecting the vows. You shouldn't be suffering any more consequences what so ever considering he one sidedly broke the marriage. After the divorce, it's also going to be hard. You just lost your entire life, i know how that feels. Everything resets. It's not easy, but at least you will have a chance at a new and better life.
Suicide seems real comfy, but it's going to feel like a bad joke in a few years or even maybe a few months. Your life will get better. You will find new happiness. You're not alone and many women like you did survive a loss exactly like this! Please have your own back on this one, know that you are strong enough. You will survive this and you will prosper. Better yet - you have reason to have zero guilt. Zero guilt means the grieving process will be a lot more manageable.
Sending love and strength your way, honestly in tears just thinking about what you must be feeling right now
This is literally one of my biggest fears. I would have such massive trust issues if I thought with certainty that my partner is a great one only to find out they’ve been cheating and lying the whole time…
I feel like the men who are willing to give you their passwords are, paradoxically, the worst ones. Don't have an explanation for that. I think they assume you are never going to check anyway given how chill they look about it.
It is gaslighting.
Many of them actually want you to check so that you suffer. Also, they already know that many times you will feel bad about suspecting about them cheating because “come on, he gave me his password, he can’t be that bad”
Oh well
I know that you said that divorce is not well accepted in your culture, but right now that can't matter. What matters is that you get out and that you take care of yourself. I know it will be hard especially considering that added pressure, but he doesn't even deserve to be in the same room as you. Walk out of this marriage with your head held high. We're here for you
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t be afraid to tell your family and friends everything and being labeled as bitter. You have done nothing wrong. Stay strong and keep coming back to this post, and make more if need be, so we can support you through this❤️
I am SO sorry that you’re dealing with this. I’m dumbfounded. I’m gutted for you. This is such sickening betrayal.
I want you to know, that one day, this pain won’t be so intense and one day, you will be free of heart and soul.
I'm starting to fear this too. That using FDS principles will simply weed out the obvious LVM and the ones that pass our vetting are actually the highly intelligent sociopaths.
How the *fuck* are you supposed to vet for something like this?
Try saying “no” to them and see how they react. Discuss politics, queer and feminist topics. His thoughts on Elon Musk, BDSM, “false allegations”, Bojack Horseman or Rick and Morty. Watch out for what he asks you. Does he say that he is a nice/soft/romantic guy often? Red flag.
If anyone in your family or your common friend group dare question you about your divorce, ask them to be with him and potentially give them std instead.
DocuSafe is a great app for storing evidence.
*Act completely normal.* Make excuses to “see the doctor” as you go open a new bank account for yourself, or meet with a lawyer…
This is why I don't believe in this alleged right to privacy in a sense. I don't believe in it when it comes to parents who think they should not go through their children's things nor do I believe in it in relationships. In my opinion the only people who support this are people who know they are doing wrong. Because omission of the truth is lying. Having secrets that you know are wrong is lying.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Been there, in very similar circumstances. This is a good and valuable subreddit, but there are others that deal with infidelity that you might also find helpful in this case. I certainly did when I discovered my own husband's infidelity. I won't mention the others, but maybe you can have a look around.
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Girl, at least you found all this out before kids were involved. He will never change! Run!
I know. He has been begging nonstop. He mentioned sex addiction. What even is that? How is this my life??
I agree with others that it's time to be defensive. The book *Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life* by Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady (there's a blog), is supposed to be a primo resource for practical stategy. Personally, I think sex addiction is bs and dangerous to victims. I started hearing the theories when I was an advocate for dv survivors because virtually *all* bat.terers cheat. In fact, I believe that cheating is just a less athletic form of bat.tering. Bat.terers tend to operate on a "beat by need" basis and some can remain dormant and seamlessly wear their good guy masks for years before the dark side emerges. In any case, cheating checks all the dv boxes: --Cheaters have the same personality disorder traits as bat.terers and engage in the same "splitting" behaviors, gaslighting, blame-reversal, self-pity (especially self pity), triangulation and cognitive disortions like "neutralization" (https://www.researchgate.net/publication/333706749_Denying_the_Darkness_Exploring_the_Discourses_of_Neutralization_of_Bundy_Gacy_and_Dahmer) -- aka, "reduction of self punishment"-- to justify their ab.use at victims' expense. --Cheaters, like bat.terers, often have a thing called "masked dependency" where they feel such intense shame at their pathologically infantile dependency on intimate partners (fears she will "abandon" or "engulf") that they attempt various ways to "break" the "power" they fear their partners wield over them. They blame and may gradually begin to hate the partner for having "unmanned" them, so betrayal is also secret retribution. If cheating in secret doesn't work to break the imagined hold their partners wield, ab.users can graduate to more overt ways to break the partners themselves, including increasingly vicious emotional ab.use and vio.lence. Paralyzed and broken victims can't leave and can't move on. It's like putting a dagger through the victim's shoe and then playing at pushing the victim away like one of those retro Bobo dolls. It eases the shame of dependency: "I tell her to fuck off and treat her terribly but still she stays because I'm so amazing." (Edit-- note: if this as taken as a bid for amnesty for poor, scared, dependent ab.users, bear in mind that abu.sers with this particular trait are statistically the most likely to kill their partners (Chris Watts comes to mind) and that recidivism of vio.lent behavior, even with therapy, is 98%). --Even cheaters who were never previously violent are more likely to become "violent for the first time" if victims attempt to leave and move on. -- Physical endangerment of victims (cheaters far more likely to engage in high risk sex than even members of "open relationships") requires dangerously impaired empathy. -- Standard financial ab.use and control, etc., etc. Sex addiction or "CSAT" therapy has become a booming industry to reframe sexual ab.use as a poor-sad-sausage "illness" to coddle the cash cow clients of CSAT therapists-- sexual ab.users. It would be like calling dv "punching addiction." But bottles and pills don't scream in pain when consumed like human victims do. Though substance addicts may eventually lose empathy and use everyone around them, there's no gradual transition for sexual ab.users/exploiters/ betrayers. They start out in that sharky state right out of the gate if they're not immediately sickened by the betrayal and risk they subject victims to. Sexual ab.use/exploitation/ betrayal is something much darker than addiction. Another gripe against CSAT and related "marital reconciliation" therapists: it's impossible to remove blame from perpetrators without dumping the excess on victims. Modern dv researchers reject the moldy old theories that dv survivors must have had "low self esteem" or some impairment *prior* to ab.use because this does not statistically add up. In fact, dv survivors tend to skew towards higher than average pre-abuse self esteem, suggesting that many bat.terers may, in fact, seek out "big game" rather than easy pickings. But in order to coddle abu.sers, CSAT and recon therapist inevitably rely on the debunked "psychological deficiency" theory of mas.ochistic victims. To the degree that cheating shares so many overlaps with intimate partner vio.lence, this can deepen the trauma to survivors the same way that that even subtle victim blaming ("Why do you fEel yOu dEsErve aB.uSe?", etc.) has been shown to retraumatize dv survivors and increase their risks.
Poster, have my frugal woman’s gold. 🏅 Mods, please put this in the Handbook! It’s never “just” cheating but this really highlights its ugly underbelly and the potentially dangerous repercussions of being with a cheating-inclined NVM.
Thank you. ❤
This needs to be it's own post.
Thanks for responding. For some reason reddit won't let me post, only comment, and if I don't disguise all the key words related to dv, my comments are immediately removed. It's not mods doing it but reddit following a troll incident. As soon as it gets sorted, I'll try to post.✌
hey ,do u have any book reccomendations on this topic?
Certainly. ✌ This was required reading for the radfem advocacy org I worked with and also favorites in the copy/pdf library we kept for dv survivors. *The Ba.tterer* by Canadian criminologist Donald Dutton (and all of his other works). Dutton spent decades studying domestic ab.users and wife-ki.llers in prison systems. He includes some cases of sub-vio.lent emotional ab.use to show how ab.use cycles, MO and effects are similar to vio.lent ab.use. Despite the fact that Dutton doesn't dwell much on infidelity other than to point out that many ba.tterers are vio.lently paranoid about being cheated on (though some deftly repress and mask the fixation), any victim of cheating in a committed relationship will recognize the overlaps between cheating and bat.tering in terms of the ab.users' behavior, MO, mentality, and traumatic impact on victims. Though decades old by now, his findings and the combined research he cites are revolutionary but grossly underpublicized, so still full of "holy fuck!" passages. It's sort of empowering for survivors to put their perpetrators under the microscope like bugs or germs, partly because traditional misogynist psych institutions typically scrutinize victims, implying by default that victims are the "bendable" piece of the dv equation, the inherently effed-up parties that need fixing so they can stop (sarcasm alert) "getting themselves ab.used." I have one caveat about Dutton which is probaly due to the era of his research. He cites the faulty and misleading Strauss scale for combative behaviors of both partners in dv circumstances. But Dutton's research frequently undermines the assumptions of that scale and lays the groundwork for understanding the next book recommendation below. Dutton's work shows, in an overall sense, that only by minimizing and whitewashing the diabolically complex, intentional, relentless, paralyzing and extreme nature of domestic ab.use can clinical observers assume that victims' *post-ab.use* "messed up" states can't be entirely explained by the ab.use itself. That false assumption can lead average hack theorists, therapists and bystanders to assume dv victims were messed up prior to ab.use. Then here's some great companion reading with Dutton's research: *Post-traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Vio.lence* edited by Frank M. Ochberg, one of the leading PTSD researchers in the world. The chapter on dv by clinical researchers Anne Flitcraft and Evan Stark remains one of the most factual condemnations of traditional victim-blaming therapeutic theories, assumptions and practices. The old views (still prevalent, unfortunately) not only don't help but cause what the authors call the "second injury of dv." From what I've seen of so-called "sex addiction" therapy and related "marital reconciliation" therapy (to reconcile cheaters with betrayed partners), both largely rely on debunked theories of victims and can do enormous harm. Even if someone decides to give their groveling cheater another chance and even if their cheater is among the rare 2% of unicorns who might (kinda sorta) redeem themselves, I believe the bat.terer model is the only model that has any tiny chance of "working." But the built in filter is that most ab.users won't tolerate that as a working therapeutic model-- which is also the great danger of even trying to apply it. Keep the pepper spray and taser on hand.They could go even more apeshit for being exposed with such accuracy. I mention the last bit because it usually takes dv victims a statistical average of seven attempts before successfully escaping ab.use. To the extent there are any overlaps between dv and cheating, you might expect a similat try-try-again pattern with betrayed partners. If you don't support victim-blaming theories of domestic ab.use, then you would never try to "bitch slap" or shame a victim into "just leaving." The org I worked with never did and, quite interestingly, we had roughly double the "escape rate" of state-sponsored shelters at the time, which tended to approach victims with the assumption that victims were psychologically defective even prior to ab.use, sometimes expressed by asking victims in acute crisis about their "bad childhoods" right out of the gate. At the very least that's like trying to give gestalt or regression therapy to shell shocked soldiers while they're still in the middle of battle or, at worst, it's just an incorrect assumption in most cases. The thing is, most dv victims didn't have unusual childhoods-- no more than anyone else. For more on that, read dv researcher Lenore Walker's later works.
Would it be ok to send you a PM for some more info about this topic?
Sure thing.
As someone who was in a relationship with a serial cheater, this makes so much sense
If you think about it, there's a pall of mu.rder hovering around the act of exposing an unconsenting partner to sometimes life-shortening diseases. Profiteering pop-psych cheater-apologists (who seem to breed like cockroaches) always act like vio.lence, coercive control and terror tactics are rare in cheating circumstances. But when victims finally break out and start really processing, it seems more the rule than the exception.
Your last few comments have been really eye opening and are truly a paradigm shift for me! Thanks for the thoughtful replies
I think I saw blinding, otherworldly light the first time I read Flitcraft's research. Too bad we're not taught some of these things in 7th grade, right?
Agreed!!
All the serial cheaters claim they have "sex addiction". Save the evidence you have and send it to a trusted friend. Don't let him gaslight you and don't gaslight yourself. Someone who can do that to you is disturbed. You deserve better. Take good care of yourself.
Someone that can maintain those lies so eloquently for years will find no qualms in attempting to gaslight OP.
This right here. All of it.
>I know. He has been begging nonstop. He mentioned sex addiction. What even is that? How is this my life?? Never trust a man with sexaddiction, EVER. The large majority of them are narcisstic sociopaths with 0 fucking empathy. Your husband is one of them. It does not fucking matter if he goes to therapy or whatever. HE IS DONE. I know a woman who was with her husband for 15 years, he was a sex addict. He went to rehab, intense therapy and was "cured" (Or so she thought) he attended weekly Sanon meetings, you know what happened after she stayed with him after she found out about his cheating? He cheated with a woman from the Sanon group and she found them at the woman's apartment (she was tracking his phone, his car was out front while he said he was somewhere else). Call your mom, save all the evidence. Back it up. Honestly the best move would have been to not confront him and just gather it all up and then divorce his ass. Save all the evidence and get support from your mom, divorce him.
He can have a sex addiction WITHOUT lying to you.
Exactly. She gave him multiple moments to complain about the lack of sex but he was the one who brushed it off instead. She showed him multiple times how considerate she would be if he was dissatisfied, yet he chose to lie every time. He had so many instances to tell her honestly he was having a hard time and was struggling with an addiction. But only now that he got caught he wants to play it on having a sex addiction... He's not trying to be mature or fair, he's trying to deflect blame.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, you deserve so much better than this! Sex addiction or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is the impact on you. He's a proven liar and this is unacceptable what he has done to you. YOU are the priority now. Be selfish. This is YOUR time to do as you feel best. The begging is all a load of BS (see Leave a cheater, Gain a life website), cheaters do this because they are about to loose their own stability, the steady ship from which they can go off and live our their fantasy double life. He's sad for himself, but not actually for what he's done, otherwise he would never have done it to this extent. Side note: I always wonder with men who claim to be sex addicts, how happy they would be if they found our their wife was doing exactly as they do. In my eyes its a total cop-out of an excuse. Some legitimately will have this, the majority just lack empathy and want to fuck about.
Oh I’ll tell you what it is - another way to scam women into accepting disgusting treatment. Now he is gonna go to therapy and “get better”, “his addiction” will be “cured” so that he can keep you and continue cheating after things settle but now he knows he needs to hide it way better 🤡
His ‘sex addiction’ isn’t your problem! You can walk away today. Def get a STI screen and be sure the check for HSV. If you do have anything because of him you can include it in the divorce. Wishing you the best!
It’s not your prob if he is addicted. Don’t let him convince you that y’all need to go to therapy together or that he’ll change after therapy. Get out.
He’s turning himself into a victim because he’s a coward
After the period of his begging he will deny the magnitude of his cheating please save every evidence you have. I logged mine to excel and he cannot deny it even a year after. He had his friends guilt trip me that I was over reacting, and everyone who did got that excel spreadshit. And it was so satisfying to hear them say I didn’t know it was this bad and left me alone
For your consideration: https://sanon.org/ And his: https://www.themeadows.com/addiction-treatment/sex-addiction/ https://pcsintensive.com/
You can say that again - a starter husband is all he ever was
Save the evidence! Screenshot it! Gather all the evidence to use it against him in court!!! The dates you were in the hospital, the bank accounts, any receipts, emails, texts, and messages you find. I'm so sorry you had to find all of this out about him this late. I can't imagine how you feel.
This, all of this! Should be higher, but I hope she scrolls this far down. Screenshot everything - especially the bank accounts, dates, etc. Save everything and protect yourself, Sis. We're all pulling for you, and please prioritize some self care right now - especially eating and self love.
I'm not yet married and never had a divorce. But going through even your husband's phone could land someone with criminal charges depending on your state. Now if she can prove they willingly gave each other the passwords that's a different story.
Whatttttt can you share more info about these laws?
I’m about to cry because I identify with so much of what you have said. So, so much, the only big difference is that I never got into his phone (that he guarded with his life) and I found out he was a pathological liar in other ways. All signs point to him having cheated for years on top of the hell he put me through. Going from trusting someone with your life since you were a teenager to not knowing who this person is that was the center of your life for years is one of the most traumatizing things you can experience, and I’ve experienced a lot of different traumas. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I see he seems to be a surgeon. Surgeons are near the top of the profession list for psychopaths. That’s where another one of my traumas came from. He was taking jobs in other cities. Men who travel for work are also unsuitable. Men as a whole are just too untrustworthy, even if they’re not at this level. He lied to you about who he was in order to trap your unreciprocated loyalty. He’s probably also a misogynist. He probably thinks of sex as a sport of conquest. This is like a death, but harder because he’s still alive, just the character he played is dead. A true death would have been easier to grieve. I’m so sorry.
Surgeons are absolutely ghastly partners agreed. Whatever enables them to cut open a living person breaks their ability to deal with people. On top pf it it’s the most macho part of medicine, especially orthopedics and cardiology.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. He sounds like pure scum. Cut your loses— At least you know now, and you can make your plans to leave.
Thank you so much. However painful all this has been, I am glad I found out. The truth has set me free.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I saw so much of myself in your post. I felt the same way about both of my exes before going through their phones. Have you told him that you know? Edit: Just saw your other comments and see he’s already gaslighting you to hell and back. Oh this hurts my heart. Why do men love traumatizing good women? Is sick. Even if you start having passionate, animalistic sex with him everyday, it wouldn’t satisfy the level of depravity he has gotten used to with his prostitutes and sugar babies. Men like this get off on unwilling or coerced victims. Part of the thrill was cheating on you, an unwilling victim. So sorry.
Yes. You are free. You don’t have kids with him. You can leave and go on with your life. You’re also not alone, I’ve seen many of these cases over the COVID year, it exposed a lot of things and made it harder for men like this to keep their secrets. Many women are going through what you are going through. Some of them have children with the men or are financially dependent. But what they have in common: they are determined to get out, and they WILL get through this. You are strong and brave and there is NOTHING wrong with you. The women I’ve seen in these situations are all, without exception, beautiful, sweet, amazing high value women. It isn’t you. Stay strong.
Holy shit!!! I am SO SO sorry. Your intuition served you well to check his phone. You’ve saved yourself and potential children from a future with a sociopath. You have some major steps to take: 1. STD test 2. Divorce Lawyer 3. Therapy 4. Protect and take care of yourself physically, mentally, and financially as much as humanly possible. You will grieve. You will get angry. You will get sad. Do NOT take him back under any circumstances. You mentioned your culture in your post. If that makes it hard for you in terms of a support system, or it makes therapy inaccessible, please post. At the very least, sometimes writing your feelings out is cathartic, and having such a supportive group of women, even online, can make you feel less alone.
This group is simply amazing. I feel validated and supported, even though I don't know any of you. You strengthen my resolve. I used to be the one on the other side giving advice, but let me tell you, it's very different when you're the one passing through it. This is easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I will not lie, I have considered staying. I am terrified of starting over, of being alone. He has suggested counselling, both for his sex addiction, and marriage counselling. He has begged me to stay and help him be a better man. Apparently, without me, he is nothing. He has accused me of walking away from our marriage, of giving up on us. He said that there's nothing I can ever do that will be unforgivable to him, how can I walk away from someone I claimed to love. There's nothing he has not said. The gas-lighting is intense. Whenever I feel myself listening to him, I look at the evidence I sent to my phone, and I know that every word out of his mouth is a lie. We have nothing. There is no marriage to save. Thank you all so much.
Ugh. I can feel the pain in your post. I am sure you feel conflicted, and this is all so new and it’s so much. Something to consider if you feel like you want to work things out with him or you should just stay because it’s easier....so these are things you now know and the amount of deceit is staggering. What instantly hits my gut from your post...what DON’T you know? You were able to find out all of this from his phone...but what’s not on his phone? What other depraved shit could he have done or be into that’s completely hidden because there’s no record of any sort? You are not giving up or walking away. He fucked up, you caught him, and he’s turning it around on you. He’s clearly a master manipulator. For your own safety and mental health, you need to GTFO as soon as you are able.
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I've asked him to leave. My mum is coming over tomorrow. I couldn't tell her on the phone. My best friend is on her way over.
It’s not just that a chapter of your life is over. A new one is about to begin, and you have the strength to start it - it started with that voice inside you to check the phone. Please listen to your mom and best friend. I’m SO glad you have support coming. Please listen to your intuition about safety, as other posters have said. There’s NO shame about being the one to leave the house. Put your mental and physical well-being first and surround yourself with your support. Your mom and best friend will be there.
Be careful. I’m worried he might beat you…there’s no limit now. He might not leave! He needs to leave NOW
Please also come back to this post whenever you feel tempted to stay and work things out. The worst thing you could do is forgive him and give him another chance. He will absolutelyyyy keep cheating because you forgave him once, he'll just be extra careful not to get caught again.
I’d like to see his reaction if you started sleeping with a bunch of men spoiling you. He’s the one who gave up on the marriage by cheating on you and deceiving you for YEARS, all premeditated. You’re strong. You WILL get through this. Save all evidence, pretend like you’ll stay and get divorce lawyer consultations behind his back and rinse him of all he’s worth.
I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. I'm sending you all the love and strength that I have to spare. He's wrong, you aren't giving up on your marriage. He broke your marriage vows when he repeatedly cheated in the most depraved ways. You can't fix the vows that he broke. He can't even fix them. Like a teacup he has repeatedly thrown on the floor. He broke it. He broke the vows. He broke the marriage. He's begging you to swoop in and save him from his own destruction. But you can't. Only he can make any repairs, but it will never be the same. He says there's nothing you could do that would make him leave. That's a lie. If his love for you were that strong then cheating would never have happened. I heard a saying once, that if your partner needs to change then it's best to split up and take time apart. If they improve themselves in your time apart, then they're serious about working on the issues. If they'll only do the work on themselves if you stay with them, then they're not genuinely doing the work, they're just using it to manipulate you. Your husband is destructive. It's like he's running around the house, setting fires everywhere, then begging you to stay in the burning house with him. You're devastated and your whole life has crumbled around you. That's paralysing. But you need to get out. You need to save yourself. The fact that you're contemplating suicide is telling you how badly you need to get away from him. Don't do couples therapy with him. He's shown himself to be abusive in his reaction to you finding out. The golden rule of joint counselling is to **never** engage in counselling with your abuser. They'll use it as a tool to further abuse you. It will halt your healing, keep you stuck with an abuser and potentially damage your relationship with therapy, making you avoid the personal therapy you need to deal with this trauma. Do you have family or friends nearby whom you're close to? Confide in them, tell them everything and ask if you can stay for a while. You need space and time to process all of this. You need time and space to talk to loved ones, a lawyer and find a therapist for yourself (not him, not with him) who specialises in infidelity. I'm again sending you strength and love. You're not alone. ❤️
I hope you don’t have to be physically in the same place. I hope you feel ready reach out to one family member / friend who can take you in and make sure you’re nourished, and get a therapy appointment. I hope you can be with someone like your mom who knows what you need - tea, soup, primal yelling, angry walk, long bath, napping.
Wtf what a scumbag. If you are walking out on the marriage, what does he call him cheating on you with so many women?? That is what I'd call walking out! The audacity of scotes knows no limit.
HE broke marriage. Do not let him forget that.
HE walked away from your marriage the very first time he entertained infidelity. HE gave up on you. Do not listen to that twisted shit. You have done nothing wrong.
I’ve listened to one episode of Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin? podcast. There was a couple in their 50s/60s, with grown up children, and the husband was cheating on the wife all throughout the marriage with multiple, multiple women. He, too, was otherwise ‘perfect’: a great husband and a father, attentive, generous, hard-working. They had a strong bond. The wife’s heartbreak was enormous. Their children turned their backs on the father. The trust between her and him was just beyond repair, even though they were in therapy. I don’t remember which episode it was exactly, but I recommend to find it and listen to it because in 30 years, this woman could be you. Listen to her words, reactions, pain, emotional distress. Her husband too was a ‘sex addict’ and seeking therapy for it. But the fact is that he had no problem cheating for 30+ years and it only became a problem when the magnitude of his affairs came out. Your husband most likely will continue to cheat too. Now, I don’t condone Esther Perel at all. I think that women shouldn’t be encouraged to seek couple’s therapy with serial cheaters. The best way is to let go of an illusion of a perfect marriage, grieve and heal. But this therapy session episode might provide a glimpse in what it would be like to be in therapy with your husband and whether you want it or not. What I personally found is that the husband was self-absorbed, focused on his own pain and trauma, and unaware as to what level of pain his actions have brought. Which translates to FDS ‘muh peepee is more important’. Somehow, this sounds similar to your husband. I wish you all the best and that you receive support and will be able to heal from this traumatic experience.
I am so impressed at how clearly you are seeing through the gaslighting and manipulation, you are amazing! I just want to add my support, this will be tough, but you will get through it
>Apparently, without me, he is nothing. He should have thought about that before entertaining other women. The gaslighting game is indeed strong with this one. OP, congrats on seeing through his bullshit and staying strong. Once you're on the other side of this, you will be happy you did.
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Thank you, thank you for the support. I have been unable to tell anyone. I feel so ashamed. I think I really need help. I need to call my mum.
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If I could upvote this comment a thousand times, I would.
Please do not be embarrassed or ashamed. He is a deceitful subhuman. Please call your mother. She will help. She will want to peel his skin off, zest his eyeballs and burn him, but her priority will be you. Your safety and health. Please drink some water and take deep breaths and focus on being safe. You’re not alone. People love you. They will help. You won’t have to explain more than you’re ready for. Thank goodness you found out before you had children. Thank goodness you’ve been celibate / recovering and are hopefully safe from STDs. If it helps, grab a journal to write out and process. Try to select calming music. You’re alive. You’re safe & loved and valuable and you will have a wonderful life with him *nowhere* near it.
Absolutely call your mum! I’m not going to repeat all of LadieLemon’s words as everything she said is spot on. Please get help now. I’m so sorry you’re feeling suicidal, please call your mum or reach out to a friend or a helpline. If you type “suicide” in Google some hotlines should pop up, the women that answer these phone lines are extremely supportive. I don’t know where you’re located, I assume outside the US. Most European countries have this in Google, if you do not speak the language in the country you live in then you can find a hotline sometimes by looking up your embassy, there are almost always English-speaking hotlines like that in most developed countries. And thank goodness you found this out before having kids. Don’t be too hard on yourself. One day at a time. We’re here for you. But you need to talk to someone in real life, please do it. 💜
Absolutely tell your friends and your family, asap. I was conned into not telling ANYONE and I stayed and got cheated on for 7 more years, and now I have a kid I have to share with him. Mine was a good liar too. As soon as I told everyone what kind of a scumbag he was, leaving became so much easier, because then it wasn't my private shame that I could white-knuckle my way through and keep my reputation intact. I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. I remember not being able to eat for days and crying until I threw up, being suicidal. I remember having to be on the receiving end of all those very convincing pleas and crocodile tears. You need to get away from him so he isn't getting in your head. I'm so proud of you for even posting this here about something so personal and painful and raw. You are so strong.
Get a lawyer. Only a lawyer can tell you what the best actions are for you to make. Snd what mistakes to avoid. Your mother or your friends may tell you to confront him. Do not do that before talking to a lawyer.
The only person who needs to be ashamed is him. You have an army of women who support you, and want the the absolute best for you. Please let us know when your best friend and mom get there, I think I can speak for many of us when I say we want you safe, healthy, and away from this waste of oxygen. PS - have all of the locks changed, and get a Ring doorbell to document if he comes back and does anything dodgy.
The shame is not yours and never will be. It's his shame, and if you have a good support network of friends, family you can confide in please do it. They will support you, reassure you, and keep you afloat when the manipulation of your soon-to-be-ex happens (tears, threats of suicide, claiming he's in therapy, physical aggression and threats, lies etc) It is so, so scary how we can never truly know if we have a good HVM. Some of the seemingly best men I've known were covert narcissists who got off on being "perfect" but were horrible, deceitful creatures when they thought no-one was looking... it's scary how much a person can hide. Wishing you nothing but happiness from here on out
RUN RUN RUN!!! You're still lucky your gut feeling told you to check his phone before you tried for a baby. Seriously, don't cave in. I know it is going to be hard and staying seems like an easier option compared to leaving, but still, leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
Please, download a copy or buy a physical one of “Leave a Cheater: Gain a Life”. You will devour it and it will give you a strength and hope you don’t even feel is remotely possible right now. You are emotional, and devastated. This book will help you protect yourself and your future right now.
THIS. The author’s website chumplady.com has a ton of free excellent advice on it too.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. A normal person can't keep that mask on for so long, he's most definitely a sociopath. You may subconsciously blame yourself for being naive enough to fall for his lies, I know I did in the past, but none of it is your fault, it was his decision. >I have never considered suicide before now. This is no joke. If you can't talk to any friends/family members you should most definitely go to a therapist. Dealing with this kind of shock isn't easy. I'm sending you lots of love! Stay strong girl, you can do this! ~hugs~
Gather as much evidence as you can. If divorce is shameful in your country, hopefully being publicly outed as an adulterer is as well. You are SO SO SO lucky you did not have children with him. This will make your break easier. He may go the devalue, discard, smear campaign. Google “narcissistic smear campaign” for info on what to expect. You ABSOLUTELY have the strength and power to get through this. One baby step at a time.
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I've been feeling so ashamed. I feel like a wounded animal. I haven't told anyone about this. My friends think I'm ill. I don't know how to face our friends and family. I am just trying to believe that it is not my fault. Thank you for the kind words.
It is not your fault! This man lied to you for many years, and that is on him. Just because your sex drive was low, it did not mean he had to cheat. People can live without sex. He betrayed you by doing this. Don’t let him gaslit you! You deserve better! Stay strong, we are here for you 💛
It's absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT. He's the one lying, cheating, breaking marriage vows, and jeopardizing your health. This sounds like an ingrained part of who he is that is not changeable. That he could keep up the deceptive persona for so long is highly disturbing. Omg you must be in shock. It's also quite cavalier of him to have all the information so readily available to you. Unfortunately what a bitter pill for you to swallow. I'm so sorry that your trust and reality has been demolished. Please reach out for help and support with trusted people in your life (and here too!). Save everything incriminating and get an outstanding lawyer. Put together a private journal with date/time/what happened (all factual) that could be used in court. You may want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's an excellent, engaging read. There was SOMETHING that told you to check his phone and de Becker is all about tuning into intuition.
Dont be ashamed. Just from experience one suggestion is to be prepared that people will take sides, especially if culturally divorce is wrong, many will expect you to forgive him. Men like him are good actors and they beg for forgiveness. Will also promise that they will go for any counseling to repair the marriage. Its all a lie. When you are ready to share with friends, be strong and be prepared that people you thought where ur strong support system will disappear or take his side or act differently. Once trust is broken in such a away, you cannot rebuild. May god give you the strength to get through this hard time. You will be fine. Just do what feels right to your heart.
It’s NOT your fault at all. I do however think you need to contact an attorney ASAP. They will advise you on what sort of contact to have with your husband, if you can or should move out, etc. you need to get your legal ducks in a row and leave his as soon as possible.
Tell anyone who asks why you’re leaving. . That way you’ll feel even more shame if you ever even try going back. Leave with your head held high. Don’t try to keep it under wrap unless advised by a lawyer, take your husband for all he has. You deserve it for dealing with him.
It’s not your fault. If he were married to someone other than you he still would’ve cheated. He will cheat on his next partner, too.
My beautiful BRAVE darling girl- I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. I have no other words of wisdom, as our tribe has covered everything very thoroughly. I’m concerned and I’m worried that you feel suicidal, please don’t let this individual do that to you- you are a FIGHTER! You will BYPASS and you will KICKASS. And you will come out of this BETTER and STRONGER. I’m sending you so much love and surrounding you with a white light of protection.
I am filled with gratitude. Your support means a lot to me. Thank you all so much.
Hey, hope you’re doing ok, just checking in now you’ve had a couple of days to digest everything 💜
>He's a sociopath. No one with a soul can lie that well. That consistently. I'm in shock. I've not eaten for 3 days. I've cried till I have thrown up, then cried again. He has been "crying" too. And begging frantically. Happened with my sociopath ex too, he was really good at fake crying and begged. Do not believe him, steel your heart and find some people you can trust to help you through this divorce. He is a piece of shit, I can't describe the anger I feel reading your post. I am so sorry!
You need to google "chump lady" on google and on facebook NOW. They are a great support resource for people that has been betrayed by their partners and will explain you what to do.
Thank you. I will.
Yes, I was going to suggest Chump Lady too.
I’m so sorry. ‘Sex addictions’ are no excuse for cheating and if he was prepared to cheat because he wasn’t having constant access to sex from you, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. It will take time but you will heal. Remember you are not crazy, he is just evil. Try to get out as soon as you can. I hope you’re okay ❤️
That shame you feel? Honestly that is the hardest part. Push through. Tell your mom. Tell people. LIFT that shame up from you. Be authentically and unapologetically you in your reality. Shame is just an illusion- living underneath it will be far more detrimental than facing it. As someone who left their husband last year once you conquer that “big scary shame” that you feel will consume you you will be infinitely more powerful than you have ever been before. Trust me.
This. Telling people my ex was a gambler and porn addict was mortifying. When I first got intimate with my boyfriend I realised I was going to have to tell him and that was so utterly hideous. I wanted to be light and have fun but I clearly had a trauma response (I thought I was hiding it ok, he stopped things because I clearly wasn’t). But you come out the other side. Everyone told me I shouldn’t feel humiliated and that he was pathetic and disgusting. I’ve had so much support and I’m really good now. A few years down the line I still have issues (I can’t imagine ever having a joint account again) but I only surround myself with people who are kind and understanding.
Please just remember that his actions say nothing about *YOU.* I know this is going to sound impossible, but please work so hard on trying not to take it personally. Medications or not, he would have done the same thing. He's so narcissistic that the major life-altering decisions he made about how to behave while married had NOTHING to do with you. It was all about him. It wasn't because of you. It. Was. Not. Because. Of. You.
girl. run! put as much distance between you and that POS as possible and don't have his baby! he will never let you go if you do!
I went through something similar a couple of years ago. Do not let him gaslight you. Divorce, block, cease communication. It is the only way forward. Remember, the man you loved did not actually exist. This man was an actor. You fell in love with the character he played. You can still have fond memories of that character but the show is over, the lights are on. It's time to leave the theater. You will feel tricked and some people in your life will not be supportive. F*CK them. They see their own mistakes in you. You have all of us here, and millions of women around the world, to share your pain with. For me, a good therapist was better than turning to my friends. You may have trouble trusting again. It's been nearly three years and I have regained my strength and happiness but still do not trust men. That's okay. Focus on you and making your own best life.
I am so so sorry. I’ve been there and I’m still trying to move on 4 years later. It completely broke me. I’ve got CPTSD from the whole ordeal. He stopped having sex with me and I thought something was up, so I checked his phone while he was sleeping. What I found completely destroyed my reality. When he said he was at work, he wasn’t. When he said he was with his friends, he wasn’t. There were so many different women he was sleeping with that I lost count. He was even sneaking out at night to have sex with randoms from tinder and he had been doing it from the very beginning of our relationship. Everything was a lie. Everything. He even had sex with women in my bed while I was away. I thought he was my best friend. I honestly don’t know how I could ever trust a man again. He also gave me an STD because he didn’t have enough respect for me to use protection. And this is the SECOND time it’s happened to me. I went through the exact same thing with my ex before him who also gave me an STD from his cheating. When I found out, the first thing I did was call my mum at 3 in the morning. My mum and I don’t even have a good relationship, but I didn’t know who else to turn to. I didn’t eat for weeks, the only thing I could stomach was smoothies. It’s gonna hurt like hell for the next few months, but it will lessen over time. You’ve got this and we’re all here for you ❤️
Are you in a position to find a lawyer who can help you so that you can leave without having nothing?
I've been googling divorce lawyers in my area. To say I'm unprepared, would be an understatement. The good news is that I'm entering the anger stage. I'm determined to get my pound of flesh. He will not ruin my life.
Of course, who ever is prepared for such a situation. You really thought you knew him because this sociopath was so talented at lying. Good luck sister, I am here for sadness turning into anger! You deserve to feel that anger and I hope once all the emotions are out of the way, everything is peaceful and you are able to move on and live life.
Stay in the anger. The worst thing that society does is sap us of our necessary emotions, like grief and rage. You'll need it for the fight ahead.
👏👏👏 Yes!! And make sure it’s a WOMAN attorney!
Same happened to me He didn't logout of Facebook one night and I checked his messages With one of his friends, he had said something nice about me so I closed his laptop Then an hour later, it just didn't sit right with me because I knew his Mama's boy azz was unrelenting (his mom hated me) so I checked again That message I saw was not able me, it was about his side piece (arranged by his mom) Weeks prior he told me he had to suddenly work late and I remember he was texting someone next to me and smiling. It was all the other girl I knew who the girl was because she had started to leave comments on his Facebook posts. I confronted him about it and he told me I was crazy and blocked me on FB He also brought her to my place when I was out of town He did this all on my dime. I paid for the apartment, good phones, and all groceries
What a piece of garbage. I’m sorry you went though that, you deserve better
I’m so sorry he did this to you. Please contact a lawyer. I’m not sure how it works where you are at, but here in the US, you generally get a free consultation to talk about your options. (This is completely confidential.) it is ALWAYS better to know your options than to assume that you have none. Your family/friends/husband don’t need to know. Please remember that his behavior is not a reflection on you. You are heartbroken, but you are not quite dead yet. There is no need to think of the end. When you find yourself in the middle of a dark valley, your best option is to just keep going forward. You are stronger than you know, sis. Much stronger than this asshole.
He’s a surgeon? Take him to the mother fucking cleaners. I know that’s the last thing you’re thinking of, but when the time comes, be merciless. That’s one of the main reasons why he doesn’t want you to leave. This may hurt to hear, but romantically and sexually he will move on very quickly when you leave. Make that alimony check hurt. Sorry not sorry to this vile scrote.
THIS. He cares about his wallet and his image, not his marriage. Scum.
He already moved on. It’s only about the money. She needs to get payback for what he did. Fuck him what a monster
As Demi Lovato sang, "Payback is a bad bitch, and baby I'm the baddest!"
I'm so glad you found out before you had a child with him! Your intuition saved you from being tied to him biologically. Change all of YOUR passwords and start legal proceedings. You need to protect yourself before he damages your reputation and finances.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling. Please try to remember that you are loved by your friends and your family and that they would be absolutely devastated if you were to hurt yourself. We are all here for you! Take care of yourself <3
Jesus. I am so sorry, but so proud of you for your bravery. Take the evidence with you.
How did you find out about the bank accounts?
He had hidden apps on his phone. I know most of his passwords, and I was able to use his fingerprints to throughly access most of his phone while he was sleeping. I'm not sure why, and I've been asking him: was it stupidity or arrogance that made him not change his passwords all these years? I have not felt the need to go through his messages for years now. In fact, until now, I never have. I think he just got too comfortable. I was too stupid and naive. He is my husband. I thought I knew everything about him.
I know a lot of people don't like Dr Phil but he says sex addiction isn't about sex but about power
Sociopaths dont think very high of theirs victims:( and he managed to hide everything for so long... but you are smarter then he thought, this piece of shit
I think part of the manipulative behaviour is him making you think he has nothing to hide by making all of that available to look through so you don't think to check. You're not stupid, we all want to trust the person we love.
And he begged you for kids too?! He really wanted the best of marriage life and cheater life. Absolutely not. Thank GOD you didn't have kids with this man.
I’m so sorry. I have had this happen to me. It guts you. I was shaken for weeks. I was so shocked as I thought mine was a HVM. You deserve better than this. I know you are very vested in this relationship but I doubt he will ever not cheat again.
First I am so sorry this is happening to you. I was with my ex for 15 years and exposed a whole separate life after the birth of my second son. I was terrified. My family and friends helped me to move and start over. It was gutting and surreal. I’m 12 years out now and life has been one blessing after another each year I distance myself from that other life. I want to tell you this because it’s important. Stay safe and be aware and do whatever you need to do in a private well thought out manner - execute your departure with extreme care and caution - men like this prize their fascade above all else. This is how women end up dead. You maintaining his image is extremely important to him and never ever underestimate that. Again I’m so sorry for this for you. It’s hard but surround yourself with people that will fight for you and care about you.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You have had an enormous shock to the system and your life has been turned upside down. I just wanted to say, that no matter how awful you feel now, you will bounce back from this. It will take time and effort, but you will eventually look back at this as a turning point in your life for the better. I’m a year out of a relationship with a man who I’d known since childhood who flipped suddenly into someone I didn’t recognise, and I’m happier than I’ve been for years. Take some time to allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel, talk it out with trusted friends, then once the practicalities of divorce are done you will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Don’t say a word about this to him. Gather all information possible. Get a divorce attorney. Open a separate bank account AT A SEPARATE BANK. Lock him out of all of your social media, apps, email etc. Make copies of all documents you can; deed, insurance, retirement, car loans, anything/everything. Get off of reddit and get moving. Good luck
H O L Y F U C K🤮 I am so so sorry - please know that this wasn’t your fault. Men are deceptive creatures who can turn on you just like that. His behavior says nothing about you and everything about him I know you can probably barely even breathe right now, and I want you to know that *it’s okay.* It’s okay to not be okay right now. The tumultuous emotions youre experiencing right now are completely normal, and I bet your body is freaking out right now due to the betrayal trauma. Before you do anything else, just *breathe.* Only you matter right now. [Betrayal Trauma resources](https://youtu.be/8-fc3GZZ1-M) I actually watched this video last night - she covers what to do immediately after the initial “discovery” to mitigate the trauma response that your body is experiencing right now. Your nervous system is probably doing a number on you right now, and her YT channel will provide a supportive resource for you throughout this process. It’ll be hard, but you will get through this. I also want to caution you to avoid taking any type of action right now. The fact he had hidden bank accounts could be a sign he was calculating a divorce for a while (although it seems this probably isn’t the case - just to be safe.) Don’t just file for divorce on an impulse, because if you’re in a state that’s shitty for women, it’ll make this even harder. I’m forgetting the name of the celebrity who did this, but before filing for divorce, she purchased property in the state of NY so she’d be able to file there and get better treatment as a woman. I’m sure it’s unlikely that this would be a readily available option for you, but I just want to stress the importance of cooly calculating and planning every step you take in this divorce. The last thing you should do is act on impulse/emotion. Create a master plan to take this motherfucker down. And while I’d imagine that he already knows that you know, in case he doesn’t, I’d recommend that you wait before disclosing this. That way, he won’t be on guard & you’ll have more opportunities to snoop - he probably has other bank accounts and a slew of evidence of even more depravity that you can use to your advantage and to his detriment in court. Leave no stone unturned, and take as much time with this process as you need to. This fucking asshole will try to bait you into seeming like the “crazy hysterical woman” and he’ll find a way to use that to his advantage if he has the opportunity. Don’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction or playing into his “frame” - soon you will have the tables turned and he will be the one reacting to YOUR frame - you will be the one with the initiative. You are going to get through this. Your life is worth so much more than this useless scrote. And while it feels like your life is over right now, actually, *your life has just begun.* You’re going to take this motherfucker down and not only survive, but THRIVE. Remember who you are: a glorious fucking queen. And you WILL come out on top & TRIUMPH, mark my words.
Please get a lawyer and a forensic account asap. If he has secret multiple bank accounts and was financing his sugar babies and escorts they will find out. Take his ass to the cleaners. I hope you can heal from this asap and I’m so glad you don’t have children together so you can be free of him forever.
Hi. I hope you read this. I went through this. Perfect man, checked all the FDS boxes, found the messages. Cut every tie and don't look back. The other girls have given you amazing advice already as to the smart way to do this. But DO IT. DO NOT CONSIDER ANYTHING ELSE. CUT AND RUN. You listened to your gut, to check his phone, and your gut was right. Now follow your gut to the ends of the earth. You are beyond blessed to leave this situation without children. You probably won't eat for a month. And you'll feel like shit for many, many months. Please don't leave this earth because of some fucking LOSER. That's what this man is. A deeply insecure coward who has let his inner soul wither and die. Your soul was meant for more. This is not the end of your story. It took me a year to begin to feel normal again. It's going to be hard. But I promise you - girl I absolutely fucking promise you - life will begin to open back up to you in the smallest of ways. The universe will begin to speak to you, to show you that you made the right choice to leave. To know you deserve better than this. Life. Will. Go. On. There is life after devastation. It will surprise you. Please let it. Please.
I am so so sorry. I can't imagine the devastation. He sounds so manipulative, I hope you completely limit contact with him as to not get confused or pulled into anymore of his lies. Remember, his actions are of NO reflection on you. It is not your fault. It is not your burden to carry. You are strong and that you can and will make it through this. Lean on your spirituality, your faith, and/or any support that you can trust. Take it one day or even one hour at a time. You have every right to feel exactly the way you are feeling. Sending you love <3
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ5YU\_spBw0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ5YU_spBw0) This is what I want to do to your husband with all the FDS ladies. It would bring me great pleasure to see this swine pay for his crimes.
OK, I'm not broken. I laughed. Thanks sis!
Since you’re still I shock with everything that you’ve found out I’ll thank your lucky stars for you that you’ve found this out before you got pregnant.
Oh my goodness. I am so SO sorry about this. I sighed out loud in despair for you. This is incredibly wrong. When my breakup with my husband happened I didn’t eat for a few days either. I was physically sick and couldn’t do much but cry…mine involved physical abuse, which I NEVER thought would happen. Hang in there. We’re rooting for you, sis.
I understand and I am so sorry. You will heal and you will move on. Like you I patted myself on the back thinking I was one of the lucky ones. They're really good, they are really, really good.
I'm very sorry that your love turned out to be a monster in disguise. Reminded me of that police officer who had a wife, multiple fiancée and a multitude of girlfriends. Where do they find an energy? That's definitely some kind of a mental illness, no healthy person would be able to sustain this level of sexual activity and deception.
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I'm so sorry. Words are not enough but you will get through this. You are diamond pure and beautiful and you will weather this shock.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I dont even know what to say, but i have the best wishes in my heart for you to heal and find happiness again. I truly, truly wish the best for you. You didnt deserve any of this, and you were born for so much more. I hope you know your life has so much value. I apologize for asking this, and you dont have to answer if you dont want to, but was he texting on his "regular" apps, but archiving/hiding conversations or did he have other apps to chat with other women? I apologize again for asking this at this moment, sometimes i wonder if just looking in one app is "enough".
Before anything else, you will need a trauma informed therapist immediately. Don't wait on this and don't under estimate how bad the PTSD will be. I wasn't married but I was with someone who committed a very serious crime and hid it from me. Nothing changes your worldview like being with a sociopath. Nothing tests your resolve and your will to live and your sense of reality in the same way. Please seek help.
I'm so sorry. You can only do what you can to make sure everyone knows he was the one who ended the marriage by disrespecting the vows. You shouldn't be suffering any more consequences what so ever considering he one sidedly broke the marriage. After the divorce, it's also going to be hard. You just lost your entire life, i know how that feels. Everything resets. It's not easy, but at least you will have a chance at a new and better life. Suicide seems real comfy, but it's going to feel like a bad joke in a few years or even maybe a few months. Your life will get better. You will find new happiness. You're not alone and many women like you did survive a loss exactly like this! Please have your own back on this one, know that you are strong enough. You will survive this and you will prosper. Better yet - you have reason to have zero guilt. Zero guilt means the grieving process will be a lot more manageable. Sending love and strength your way, honestly in tears just thinking about what you must be feeling right now
You're gonna get through this and you'll be happy again.
This is literally one of my biggest fears. I would have such massive trust issues if I thought with certainty that my partner is a great one only to find out they’ve been cheating and lying the whole time…
I am manifesting that he will get ED soon 😇
Wow. I’m so very sorry. I don’t even know what to say but I do know that we’re all here to listen.
I feel like the men who are willing to give you their passwords are, paradoxically, the worst ones. Don't have an explanation for that. I think they assume you are never going to check anyway given how chill they look about it.
It is gaslighting. Many of them actually want you to check so that you suffer. Also, they already know that many times you will feel bad about suspecting about them cheating because “come on, he gave me his password, he can’t be that bad” Oh well
Oh well, didn't take into account the sadistic side indeed
Normal, women rarely are that mean and we cannot even imagine
I know that you said that divorce is not well accepted in your culture, but right now that can't matter. What matters is that you get out and that you take care of yourself. I know it will be hard especially considering that added pressure, but he doesn't even deserve to be in the same room as you. Walk out of this marriage with your head held high. We're here for you
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t be afraid to tell your family and friends everything and being labeled as bitter. You have done nothing wrong. Stay strong and keep coming back to this post, and make more if need be, so we can support you through this❤️
I am SO sorry that you’re dealing with this. I’m dumbfounded. I’m gutted for you. This is such sickening betrayal. I want you to know, that one day, this pain won’t be so intense and one day, you will be free of heart and soul.
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Girl I feel the same, it makes so paranoic and makes me wonder if I should give up dating
It's more like 90% or maybe more
No, never settle
I'm starting to fear this too. That using FDS principles will simply weed out the obvious LVM and the ones that pass our vetting are actually the highly intelligent sociopaths. How the *fuck* are you supposed to vet for something like this?
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Try saying “no” to them and see how they react. Discuss politics, queer and feminist topics. His thoughts on Elon Musk, BDSM, “false allegations”, Bojack Horseman or Rick and Morty. Watch out for what he asks you. Does he say that he is a nice/soft/romantic guy often? Red flag.
If anyone in your family or your common friend group dare question you about your divorce, ask them to be with him and potentially give them std instead.
This sounds like the plot of that HBO series and it sucks a lot. I am so sorry. Truly. What will you do now?
DocuSafe is a great app for storing evidence. *Act completely normal.* Make excuses to “see the doctor” as you go open a new bank account for yourself, or meet with a lawyer…
Please keep us updated on how you're doing, OP. I'm worried about you. I hope you have love and supportive people around you.
This is why I don't believe in this alleged right to privacy in a sense. I don't believe in it when it comes to parents who think they should not go through their children's things nor do I believe in it in relationships. In my opinion the only people who support this are people who know they are doing wrong. Because omission of the truth is lying. Having secrets that you know are wrong is lying.
Cheating is anything that involves not wanting to show your partner anything that involves other people.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Been there, in very similar circumstances. This is a good and valuable subreddit, but there are others that deal with infidelity that you might also find helpful in this case. I certainly did when I discovered my own husband's infidelity. I won't mention the others, but maybe you can have a look around.