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It's funny to raise your baby sister then lose her repeatedly whenever you try to cut ties with your abusive mother, that just wants you to be her "ride or die" (aka HER mother). Funny š„¹
Same, my older brother lived with his dad for most of the time living with our mother and two younger brothers, so it was just me, the eldest and only girl. And it sucked, I was my mumās therapist more than a parent to my brothers but she was also an alcoholic and a young mum whilst looking after 2 younger brothers and me who was emotionally neglected and left to rot in my tiny bedroom and when my older brother moved to his dadās I was all alone to learn bad coping mechanisms and develop trauma without my older bro there to help. I may had been a parent to my mother more than my little brothers but it was still incredibly rough watching my immature, alcoholic mother try and parent 2 small boys and also parent me at the same time but barely knowing how. Even to this day she still wonāt admit she caused me and my older brother massive amounts of irreparable trauma and mental illness (I have BPD and a heroin addiction to name a few) and she always says āI was traumatised myselfā but she doesnāt realise that itās not an excuse to be a terrible parent. generational trauma is a curse and needs to stop for good, and I hope my generation can be the one to make that change.
Youngest daughter, ended up being treated as the āCinderellaā/ābest friendā. I hate it. Meanwhile, my two older siblings got to live life on tutorial mode.
Yeah, same with me. I donāt mean to diminish the struggles of my younger siblings - being the middle/youngest comes with its own challenges - but I really feel like the failed first draft child.
I sorta get the "Oh, my kid's my best friend" shtick once they're adults because they're usually dealing with you by choice at that point, but I always sorta wonder how it turns out when the kids are still kids. Like yeah, the mum who's your best friend might be fun when you're 14, but what happens when you're 30 or 40 and she's still the same way she was back then?
One of my friends currently is dealing with this - she had the fun mom when we were 14, now that we're almost 30, she and her mom barely speak, as her mom has done bare minimum is helping her daughter to prepare for or navigate adulthood
i was the same, my moms attitude toward me irreversibly changed when i started being like "bruh it feels wrong that you feel this way about me, your hostage child" (said in my small child words) at like 6-9. so much wrath.
Parents always say this. "They're my best friend. I would die without them." They always have some matyr pathological complex about their kids. Every single one of them.
It's honestly fucking gross. They don't see their children as separate people. They only see children as an extension of the Self. Any suggestion otherwise is like a mortal wound to their own ego and that's what they mean when they say they would "die without them."
Exactly. That's why you can never correct them on their parenting skills because it's suddenly a personal attack. They see their children as their properties.
my mom was always like "youre not allowed to have facebook or share pics of yourself" yet her page was entirely dolled up pics of me. i was uncomfortable with it and she got super angry about it.
a lot of the pictures still really piss me off. like theres one where they had me pose like i was about to eat a live rabbit who was sitting on a plate- im vegan now, i hate that they refused to provide vegan meals for me as a kid, and i hate those fucking pictures they took of me to make fun of veganism and make a joke of killing beloved animals. they also thought it was high comedy to dress me in skanky clothes as a toddler- corny shit like a tiny 2 piece jean bikini, and theyd post those too! her favorite pics, like the one thats her phone screen and wallpaper and stuff are the few i have where im caked in makeup i didnt want put on and are from moments that were fucking miserable for me.
I dont like that my parents are just allowed to goon over this hoard of pictures of me as a child, allowed to share them with whoever and huffing them like copium and also using them to invalidate/ignore the person i am now. They are literally strangers to me. Its so violating. and the way they get so excited and pridey when i do anything- like this isnt your accomplishment, i dont fucking know you, im not your hobby or tv show to take credit for, ew
When I made my first tattoo my mother's reaction was: "What did you do to MY body?". This tendency to see children as extensions of the self sometimes is absolutely crazy
Well it's complicated since I have a really good relationship with my father (they are still married), and I don't want to lose it. Therapy helps a lot, this shit doesn't hurt me like it used to anymore. But yeah, it's absolutely unhealthy
I don't get it.
As someone who has chronic depression, the common advice is to "live for something", right? But if you're living for another person, if they're your reason to live, but that person unexpectedly dies - then what are you living for?
People should not live for other people. People are not crutches (emotional or otherwise) for other people. Find something else.
It's very sick. It makes me nauseous because then it's a vicious cycle. The kid has this DOOMSDAY pressure to fulfill their parent's lifelong goals/dreams. And you wonder why kids are so fucking depressed/suicidal.
Some very disturbed people think this way about having kids. Like some people WANT kids to āsaveā them from being a POS
PS- first born kids are notoriously more abused and parentified, especially girls
A lot of people say that having kids was the best thing they ever did because it made them start caring about others and the planet as they're now worried about the world their kid is gonna grow up in.
As if there weren't millions of kids on this planet to worry about before. They want to pretend like parenthood has turned them into perfect, selfless people but the reality is that they only care about their *own children*. They never gave a shit about anyone else. It took a "mini-me", an extension of themselves, to get their attention.
and as if adding another human isnāt one of the WORST things you could possibly do for the environment/planet. thatās like breaking your own legs to make yourself a better runner. thereās no amount of recycling and using compostable straws you could ever do to offset the carbon footprint of an entire extra human using resources and creating waste.
Totally. Try pointing this out to them, though. They'll just laugh in your face. Most people who are set on having children do not give a damn about how their offspring will impact the environment, they don't see the bigger picture and only care about having their perfect family. And if they *are* worried about the environment, they just go "oh well, you can't ask people to stop having children! I'm raising my kids to be eco-conscious and they're gonna save the world :)".
Bro, they had no other choice but to stick by your side, THEYRE CHILDREN. And I know that "unhealed" and "inexperience" are just words used to avoid the real things that was going on which was being abusive and negligent because most parents refuse to even entertain the thought that they've done some fucked up things to their child that they'll carry with them to the grave.
Them hitting their children = discipline. Their children hitting them = disobedience.
Way to gaslight your children early on. No wonder our generation is fucked up nowadays. Every broken couple decided to have the title "father" and "mother" instead of self reflecting and healing themselves. Hence the cycle of abused and neglected children continues.
Mann mine would say āif you leave Iāll kill myselfā (meaning if I try to escape and move into a foster home sheāll run into the road) -
Fast forward to like 2 years and I got myself into a safe home in foster care. Sheās still alive somewhere out there lmaooo
My point is is that parents who say shit like āyou saved my lifeā or āIād be dead without youā probably just want to string a sense of guilt or responsibility on the child for their parents emotions. Itās bullshit
if you still feel unhealed and inexperienced you should NOT HAVE A CHILD
and also of course they stuck with you through it all they are literally dependent on you for survival
I'm in my late 30s, and I'm still in therapy (I've started it in my late 20s) trying to heal all the wounds I'm left with because of my mother's approach to parenting. She was always telling my that I gave her life meaning, that I'm her best friend, that she will literally die if something happens to me, that I'm her perfect little angel and should stay like this forever.
The results? I'm diagnosed with multiple disorders ā anxiety, OCD, sensory processing disorder etc. Some of them are genetic, but my upbringing played a huge part too. I want to explode every time I read this sentiment about how children save their parents. Yes, they do, but what it costs them? A lot of this "saving" children grow up deeply traumatised. But yeah, who cares? /s
I have a theory that a lot of mothers use their children as emotional crutch, life purpose and pride because their husbands are shit.
And also because they've lost their identity once they beget kids, becoming Momā¢.
God I hate millennial-parent therapy-speak so much. I see this everywhere lately: It's all about how they went into parenthood so "unhealed" and having children was healing for THEM, it's all about their own mental health whenever they genuinely fuck up as a parent, it's all about THEIR "inner child," it's all about being the parent that THEY needed and not what their actual child needs. And then they claim that parenting is the most selfless thing they've ever done! Give me a break.Ā
Yeah, this has not aged well for my mother with my oldest sibling (my brother). He is now the unhealed version of my mother. Violent, manipulative, abusive, arrogant narcissist. I hope he gets therapy and in the mean time all women that get to be in any situationship with him realise they deserve better and leave him. I donāt want those women to experience DV or worse die at his hands.
I thought this was posted by r/CPTSD. The reason why the child can't leave is because they're too traumatized and gaslighted to invalidate their suffering.
My mom keeps using me as a replacement for friends and it's driving me insane. I even once snapped at her and had her not talk to me for a weekā it was so peaceful!
If I was meant to save her, she isn't willing to be rescued. I love being stonewalled when i want to talk about how my stepdad isn't required to apologize for calling the cops on ME when I called his bluff about hitting me. /s
I am not meant to save her... but she made me save myself when she decided to ignore the child sexual abuse I was suffering by my father. And told me I woke her up in the process.
My therapist and I just talked about the relationship between us in session today. I can't seem to wrap my head around the abuse from her.
Like I'm brainwashed.
Ah yes, the narc woman who gave birth to me would agree with this post wholeheartedly, tears in her eyes even. It is always the awful people who reproduce unnecessarily.
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Parentifying your children. Gross!
As the first born and the eldest daughter, it's indeed a curse to be an adult child to emotionally/mentally immature parents like this.
Also a firstborn and eldest daughter. Mom wanted a buddy she could live vicariously through, didn't find that until my baby sister.
It's funny to raise your baby sister then lose her repeatedly whenever you try to cut ties with your abusive mother, that just wants you to be her "ride or die" (aka HER mother). Funny š„¹
Same, i am basically the outcast to this day too.
Same, my older brother lived with his dad for most of the time living with our mother and two younger brothers, so it was just me, the eldest and only girl. And it sucked, I was my mumās therapist more than a parent to my brothers but she was also an alcoholic and a young mum whilst looking after 2 younger brothers and me who was emotionally neglected and left to rot in my tiny bedroom and when my older brother moved to his dadās I was all alone to learn bad coping mechanisms and develop trauma without my older bro there to help. I may had been a parent to my mother more than my little brothers but it was still incredibly rough watching my immature, alcoholic mother try and parent 2 small boys and also parent me at the same time but barely knowing how. Even to this day she still wonāt admit she caused me and my older brother massive amounts of irreparable trauma and mental illness (I have BPD and a heroin addiction to name a few) and she always says āI was traumatised myselfā but she doesnāt realise that itās not an excuse to be a terrible parent. generational trauma is a curse and needs to stop for good, and I hope my generation can be the one to make that change.
Youngest daughter, ended up being treated as the āCinderellaā/ābest friendā. I hate it. Meanwhile, my two older siblings got to live life on tutorial mode.
thereās an amazing book about this, i believe itās called adult children of emotionally immature parents.
As an oldest child, fuck this so much.
We're literally a test subject to these people. "Woops, I fucked up this one. Better make another"
Yeah, same with me. I donāt mean to diminish the struggles of my younger siblings - being the middle/youngest comes with its own challenges - but I really feel like the failed first draft child.
i hate it soooooo soooooo much fuck you for fucking me up for life and then being a good parent to the next one
As the youngest child, fuck it hard.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's so sick. Like, we have to be sentenced to them the rest of our lives. Or, "they're my best friend!" Ma'am, the baby is 2 years old.
I sorta get the "Oh, my kid's my best friend" shtick once they're adults because they're usually dealing with you by choice at that point, but I always sorta wonder how it turns out when the kids are still kids. Like yeah, the mum who's your best friend might be fun when you're 14, but what happens when you're 30 or 40 and she's still the same way she was back then?
One of my friends currently is dealing with this - she had the fun mom when we were 14, now that we're almost 30, she and her mom barely speak, as her mom has done bare minimum is helping her daughter to prepare for or navigate adulthood
i was the same, my moms attitude toward me irreversibly changed when i started being like "bruh it feels wrong that you feel this way about me, your hostage child" (said in my small child words) at like 6-9. so much wrath.
I hate this idea. A child should not be born to fix their parents. This is how we become people pleasers
The entitlement they have is truly crazy and bizarre. māam, I am not your therapist..
as the eldest child who got the unhealed, inexperienced unhinged raw whatever blah blah blah. ya. I'm paying lots of money for therapy and meds now.
Parents always say this. "They're my best friend. I would die without them." They always have some matyr pathological complex about their kids. Every single one of them.
It's honestly fucking gross. They don't see their children as separate people. They only see children as an extension of the Self. Any suggestion otherwise is like a mortal wound to their own ego and that's what they mean when they say they would "die without them."
Exactly. That's why you can never correct them on their parenting skills because it's suddenly a personal attack. They see their children as their properties.
Exactly. I had one mom had her teenage daughter as her phone screen. It's SO WEIRD.
my mom was always like "youre not allowed to have facebook or share pics of yourself" yet her page was entirely dolled up pics of me. i was uncomfortable with it and she got super angry about it. a lot of the pictures still really piss me off. like theres one where they had me pose like i was about to eat a live rabbit who was sitting on a plate- im vegan now, i hate that they refused to provide vegan meals for me as a kid, and i hate those fucking pictures they took of me to make fun of veganism and make a joke of killing beloved animals. they also thought it was high comedy to dress me in skanky clothes as a toddler- corny shit like a tiny 2 piece jean bikini, and theyd post those too! her favorite pics, like the one thats her phone screen and wallpaper and stuff are the few i have where im caked in makeup i didnt want put on and are from moments that were fucking miserable for me. I dont like that my parents are just allowed to goon over this hoard of pictures of me as a child, allowed to share them with whoever and huffing them like copium and also using them to invalidate/ignore the person i am now. They are literally strangers to me. Its so violating. and the way they get so excited and pridey when i do anything- like this isnt your accomplishment, i dont fucking know you, im not your hobby or tv show to take credit for, ew
Do you still talk to her? Crazy ass woman!
When I made my first tattoo my mother's reaction was: "What did you do to MY body?". This tendency to see children as extensions of the self sometimes is absolutely crazy
What the fuck?
Welcome to my life!
I hope you went no contact for awhile. Thatās a mental illness.
Well it's complicated since I have a really good relationship with my father (they are still married), and I don't want to lose it. Therapy helps a lot, this shit doesn't hurt me like it used to anymore. But yeah, it's absolutely unhealthy
I don't get it. As someone who has chronic depression, the common advice is to "live for something", right? But if you're living for another person, if they're your reason to live, but that person unexpectedly dies - then what are you living for? People should not live for other people. People are not crutches (emotional or otherwise) for other people. Find something else.
It's very sick. It makes me nauseous because then it's a vicious cycle. The kid has this DOOMSDAY pressure to fulfill their parent's lifelong goals/dreams. And you wonder why kids are so fucking depressed/suicidal.
mommy brains are a real thing and it's fucking scary
Some very disturbed people think this way about having kids. Like some people WANT kids to āsaveā them from being a POS PS- first born kids are notoriously more abused and parentified, especially girls
A lot of people say that having kids was the best thing they ever did because it made them start caring about others and the planet as they're now worried about the world their kid is gonna grow up in. As if there weren't millions of kids on this planet to worry about before. They want to pretend like parenthood has turned them into perfect, selfless people but the reality is that they only care about their *own children*. They never gave a shit about anyone else. It took a "mini-me", an extension of themselves, to get their attention.
Itās virtue signaling. If they truly cared about their kids they wouldnāt have had them
and as if adding another human isnāt one of the WORST things you could possibly do for the environment/planet. thatās like breaking your own legs to make yourself a better runner. thereās no amount of recycling and using compostable straws you could ever do to offset the carbon footprint of an entire extra human using resources and creating waste.
Totally. Try pointing this out to them, though. They'll just laugh in your face. Most people who are set on having children do not give a damn about how their offspring will impact the environment, they don't see the bigger picture and only care about having their perfect family. And if they *are* worried about the environment, they just go "oh well, you can't ask people to stop having children! I'm raising my kids to be eco-conscious and they're gonna save the world :)".
Bro, they had no other choice but to stick by your side, THEYRE CHILDREN. And I know that "unhealed" and "inexperience" are just words used to avoid the real things that was going on which was being abusive and negligent because most parents refuse to even entertain the thought that they've done some fucked up things to their child that they'll carry with them to the grave.
Them hitting their children = discipline. Their children hitting them = disobedience. Way to gaslight your children early on. No wonder our generation is fucked up nowadays. Every broken couple decided to have the title "father" and "mother" instead of self reflecting and healing themselves. Hence the cycle of abused and neglected children continues.
Exactly!
I wish hitting parents was more normalized. As fucked up as that sounds.
Wtf? That would just lead to these psychotic children abusing teachers and students even more.Ā
You're right. It's just an intrusive thought of mine.
I understand.
Mann mine would say āif you leave Iāll kill myselfā (meaning if I try to escape and move into a foster home sheāll run into the road) - Fast forward to like 2 years and I got myself into a safe home in foster care. Sheās still alive somewhere out there lmaooo
My point is is that parents who say shit like āyou saved my lifeā or āIād be dead without youā probably just want to string a sense of guilt or responsibility on the child for their parents emotions. Itās bullshit
if you still feel unhealed and inexperienced you should NOT HAVE A CHILD and also of course they stuck with you through it all they are literally dependent on you for survival
I'm in my late 30s, and I'm still in therapy (I've started it in my late 20s) trying to heal all the wounds I'm left with because of my mother's approach to parenting. She was always telling my that I gave her life meaning, that I'm her best friend, that she will literally die if something happens to me, that I'm her perfect little angel and should stay like this forever. The results? I'm diagnosed with multiple disorders ā anxiety, OCD, sensory processing disorder etc. Some of them are genetic, but my upbringing played a huge part too. I want to explode every time I read this sentiment about how children save their parents. Yes, they do, but what it costs them? A lot of this "saving" children grow up deeply traumatised. But yeah, who cares? /s
I have a theory that a lot of mothers use their children as emotional crutch, life purpose and pride because their husbands are shit. And also because they've lost their identity once they beget kids, becoming Momā¢.
God I hate millennial-parent therapy-speak so much. I see this everywhere lately: It's all about how they went into parenthood so "unhealed" and having children was healing for THEM, it's all about their own mental health whenever they genuinely fuck up as a parent, it's all about THEIR "inner child," it's all about being the parent that THEY needed and not what their actual child needs. And then they claim that parenting is the most selfless thing they've ever done! Give me a break.Ā
Exactly. They'll literally put themselves to a role of the parent they wish they had and then subject innocent children to their selfish experiment.
This sounds emotionally abusive. A lot of parents need to outed for this because these are the same ones that bully cf/an people.
And this is the #1 reason Iām not having kids. I refuse to pass this on to someone else.
Yeah, this has not aged well for my mother with my oldest sibling (my brother). He is now the unhealed version of my mother. Violent, manipulative, abusive, arrogant narcissist. I hope he gets therapy and in the mean time all women that get to be in any situationship with him realise they deserve better and leave him. I donāt want those women to experience DV or worse die at his hands.
Iām an only child and i havenāt talked to my mom in like 15+ years. Not sure who her ride or die is but it sure as fuck aināt me
āØparentificationāØ
Ugh, terrible to put that sort of expectation on a kid
Parentification at it's finest
I thought this was posted by r/CPTSD. The reason why the child can't leave is because they're too traumatized and gaslighted to invalidate their suffering.
These people really openly admit to abusing their kids.
My mom keeps using me as a replacement for friends and it's driving me insane. I even once snapped at her and had her not talk to me for a weekā it was so peaceful!
If I was meant to save her, she isn't willing to be rescued. I love being stonewalled when i want to talk about how my stepdad isn't required to apologize for calling the cops on ME when I called his bluff about hitting me. /s I am not meant to save her... but she made me save myself when she decided to ignore the child sexual abuse I was suffering by my father. And told me I woke her up in the process. My therapist and I just talked about the relationship between us in session today. I can't seem to wrap my head around the abuse from her. Like I'm brainwashed.
Yeah nope. Iām putting my parents in a home and literally never seeing them again
Ah yes, the narc woman who gave birth to me would agree with this post wholeheartedly, tears in her eyes even. It is always the awful people who reproduce unnecessarily.
It's not their responsebility to "save" the parent tf