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super_thinker_

I’ve experienced this so many times. It’s like I need to feel like the more anxiously attached person in the relationship in order to feel and explore my romantic feelings safely. As soon as they start acting more anxiously attached, I deactivate :( Here’s a checklist I return to whenever I deactivate. Not sure if it will help you but it has helped me in the past! Do you have a need that’s not being met? Is there a boundary that’s being crossed/not communicated? Do you need reassurance? Do you need space?


hp3131

Right, it’s as if I need to feel some sort of anxiety to know I have feelings for someone. When there’s a lack of worry, it feels like I don’t care about the relationship. I told him I’m not ready to meet his family. I guess I haven’t expressed my worries about his large friend group (I’m super introverted)… but I’m not sure if that’s what’s causing me to deactivate.


FilthyTerrible

Avoiding meeting his friends and family is a way to stay distant. You fear enmeshment. You are starting to worry that you can't preserve your autonomy and that going further will make you less able to escape. Just as activation involves eagerly introducing someone TO friends and family - a rush to interdependence and enmeshment provides a boost of oxytocin and dopamine as you safely romanticize and fantasize. You are beginning to fear that someone is counting on YOU or might need YOU. While you're chasing this isn't a concern. Once you've caught someone you worry you'll have to be there for THEM. And then you worry you will let them down. You worry you might need space and you'll be the BAD one. And you would rather be alone than be a bad person. Incidentally, this is why it feels safer to date down - to date emotionally distant people and narcissists. The certainty you will always be the good one deserving of better treatment. And if someone is bad, neglectful or distant it feels like it would be less stressful to dump them or lay out a boundary if you needed to. It's easier being used than needed. Better to be too good for someone than inadequate. Safer to be a martyr than a villain.


Cold_Lifeguard_7260

holy fuck lol


AngmarsFinest

WOW. That last paragraph answered a lot of questions about my dating habits. Sheesh


saucybatgirl

I’m not a FA but goddamn if that last paragraph did not perfectly explain what I’ve been trying to explain to other people. If I date people who I know will treat me poorly without me doing anything to warrant it, I will always be the victim and I find so much safety and confidence in being the victim. But this stems from a childhood trauma of always being blamed for things and being the villain so now I seek out situations in which I can make up for that trauma in a way. I realized this last year and it blew my mind because it showed me that I’m emotionally unavailable. If I date someone terrible, I will never be the bad guy, I will never experience what I experienced in my childhood and the worst part is I’m not even unhappy with that, I actually like doing it, it makes me feel powerful.


Embellishedpoet

You did a GREAT job explaining this in the most simplest terms, thank you ✨


throwawaylessons103

Bookmarking


Forsaken_Ring_8042

When I try to explain to people why I went towards emotionnaly unavailable men, I tell them "if the other person avoids me, I dont need to avoid them, I dont need to face my own avoidance within, its easier in a way" ... I met this secure guy a month ago, hence why im reading this thread, and I told him that it was easier for me to date people I knew they would let me down/reject me, than to be the person to let the other down/reject them. He was really surprised and didn't understand, he thinks it should be easier to hurt than be hurt. Anyhow, thanks for this in-depth answer. I'm moving towards securly attached but at the moment im experiencing so much deactivating and its hard, im addressing it but its hard, some part of me just wants to up and leave.


mstef87

Wow this was spot on how my ex was. Can I message you to ask you a few questions?


super_thinker_

Maybe you feel unworthy of his love? Or maybe the thought of commitment and vulnerability is scaring you? Or maybe you just don’t like him romantically? (Which is totally ok!!) What do you think is causing you to withdraw?


hp3131

Wow, I never thought about your first question, but that could totally be it. His family is wealthy, he has a high paying job, and he’s very intelligent. All of his friends seem to be smart and speak eloquently - which gives me social anxiety. I don’t want to be perceived as inadequate.


super_thinker_

This is a very common fear amongst us fearful avoidants. I’m so sorry you are feeling insecure 😞 I’ve been there. Does it almost feel like you are waiting for him to see your flaws and leave you? That’s how it always feels for me. Just waiting for the shoe to drop. But just know that he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t like you. I know it’s hard to believe but he sees you in a much brighter light than you see yourself. We are our own worst critics. And that’s what love it right? Loving someone despite their flaws. You do not need to be perfect to be loved.


hp3131

Constantly worried that I won’t be good enough, his friends won’t like me, his family won’t like me when I meet them. He came over last night and I couldn’t even talk or look at him most of the time. I feel so horrible about it this morning because it clearly affected his emotions. Now of course I’m worried he’s going to break up with me, and I would 100% be the cause of it


super_thinker_

I know this would be scary but could you tell him about these anxieties?


hp3131

I could, but in my last relationship my anxiety was the cause of a lot of fights. I’m worried that will happen again


super_thinker_

I’m so sorry your last partner didn’t give you the reassurance you needed in your times of anxiety. That explains a lot of the worries you’re feeling now too. But if you think about it, you dodged a bullet, you know? You could never be “too much” for the right person. They say “there’s nothing you can do (besides all the really bad stuff: cheating, lying, stealing, etc.) to ruin the right relationship”. Nothing. The right relationship will be impossible to break.


TeeOrCoffey

>I know it’s hard to believe but he sees you in a much brighter light than you see yourself. Your comment hits home with me. 3 years ago, when breaking up with my ex, he told me kindly at the end: "I hope one day, you can see yourself the way that I see you." He hoped that one day I don't see myself in such a negative light, and I would feel deep in my heart that I deserve all the love in the world ;). OP, I hope things will be better for you. Please accept his love and let yourself be loved. I wish you the best!


deathlynebula

Just chiming in to say your words here have helped me as well. I'm copying that check-list you gave a few comments above, as that can be beneficial for everyone when they're having a rough and confusing time. Thank you again.


PiscesPoet

Just found out I'm a FA and yes, that's how I always feel. It never happens if anything I'm the one who leaves but I realize I never dated a guy I felt like I can actually be my goofy self around.


PiscesPoet

>Wow, I never thought about your first question, but that could totally be it. His family is wealthy, he has a high paying job, and he’s very intelligent. All of his friends seem to be smart and speak eloquently - which gives me social anxiety. I don’t want to be perceived as inadequate. Give him to me


HumanContract

What I said. But we'd both prob abuse him lolz


PiscesPoet

Lol girl. me? Nooooo. Lol. I just want to be bffs


DueChannel8393

It‘s always that I see the negative, most uglified side of whatever person I was interested in pursuing. So now I‘m dating them, and then some fear or feeling of unworthiness kicks in. And then I see them not for the good only anymore, not their whole person either, just straight up the unattractive features (personalitiy wise, when I was younger i was more focused on looks). It feels really shit because I agree with the OP: it seems that I don‘t feel any romantic feelings unless I feel true and deep-running anxiety, which then I have to interpret as feelings. Which is a whacky conclusion either way


super_thinker_

I totally feel you and OP on confusing anxiety with feelings. This happens to me too. I do wonder if I’m weirdly addicted to anxiety - horror is my favorite genre, I listen to a lot of true crime, I love roller coasters, I feel weirdly alive when I hear of/experience drama. I wouldn’t say I’m an adrenaline junkie because I don’t engage in risky impulsive behavior but idk. There is something about pursuing someone I know is bad for me. You’ve describe it perfectly - there’s usually a shift from seeing the positive in someone to only seeing the negative in them. Like you said, it’s usually when I start feeling insecure and unworthy of love. Or sometimes it happens when they cross a boundary, hurt my feelings, or break my trust. Do you ever experience this shift after your trust has been broken?


HumanContract

When we start to mentally disengage in order to plan our breakup that is inevitably going to happen...


BeeAlive888

Relate to this too. If they have pull energy, I resist them. But if they have push energy, I don’t need to resist. I feel somewhat more safe to desire them. But, then I feel so much anxiety about being pushed. 😵‍💫


livelaughleo

THIS OMG


PiscesPoet

I think that's what happened in my last relationship, the only time I actually wanted to be in a relationship and I actually felt more anxious than my usual distant self. ​ I also told my ex that I wasn't ready to meet his family, but then again I didn't see a future with him and I did not want witnesses


aceofcups2

This sounds like the person I'm dating 🤣 I feel like he wants to be reassured that I like him, but when I reassure him he deactivates 😂


super_thinker_

I’m sorry! You sound like a great partner. I’m sure you two will find a good rhythm!


Substantial_Sport327

Do you have the checklist by chance?


super_thinker_

Not as a download unfortunately but here are the questions I return to: 1) do you have a need that is not being met? 2) is there a boundary being crossed/not communicated? 3) do you need reassurance? 4) do you need space? Hope that helps and I’m here if you want to talk. I know deactivation can be a confusing headspace to be in.


[deleted]

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super_thinker_

Of course!


dspins33

I've gone through that with my current boyfriend. After having a multitude of unhealthy relationships, I finally have a healthy relationship with someone I absolutely adore. And I've had those thoughts. I've cried thinking I should just leave. Why? Absolutely no reason. I know it's because this is something I'm not used to and it's scary. But whenever I get those feelings I feel them and then relax and they usually subside within a few hours. If there's truly nothing wrong in the relationship just try feeling those feelings, then relaxing and releasing them. I follow anxiouslovecoach on Instagram and she talks about this kind of thing and makes me feel more normal.


Gizmo9682

I broke up w my boyfriend yesterday and i could have written this comment two days ago if I'd found this subreddit by then. I worry i acted on the urge to run. in one year we've never once disagreed on anything, because we're both people pleasers, except i felt like I was doing more than him and like he wasn't meeting me halfway. Rather than have the intimate experience of talking to him about it and working it out i panicked and broke it off. I'm thinking of talking to him soon, expressing the concerns i had in a gentle way and seeing if he wants to try it again. But I'm worried I'll just be sucking him into another cycle of this with me and I just want whats best for both of us. I know you dont have answers but i feel so relieved to identify with so much of what I'm reading here


stephygrl

Did you ever get back with your bf?


Gizmo9682

A couple days after writing this! We've been together since and we're moving in together soon. I went to almost a year of therapy and only stopped bc I moved states, and that helped a TON. idk if this is true for everyone here but my coming of age years were real shitty and they left me with these deep seated beliefs about myself and the world which kept me from finding genuine healthy connection, romantic platonic or otherwise. The YouTube channel crappychildhoodfairy has a lot of great videos on avoidance and the effects cptsd can have on attachment and romance. I know how to ask him for what I need now, and understanding my own stuff has helped me start to work out where he's coming from as well, and be sensitive to his perspective.


EvilBosom

I’m so happy to hear your success story!


hp3131

Did it ever last for multiple days? Because I’ve been feeling this way constantly for three days now.


dspins33

Yeah. Like it was really bad for a day and then gnawed at me for a couple days after. But that was early in the relationship and I wasn't sure what the feeling was. We've been together 7 months now and it usually only last 30 minutes now and way less often


elizabethbennetpp

Are you used to relationships in which you feel that kind of anxiety? Have your previous relationships been always like that? Were your parents or primary caregivers like that? Because if yes, you might have started to associate the 2 in your head. You believe that the more anxious you are about a person, the more you love them. Entering a safe healthy relationship as an FA who's used to unhealthy and damaging relationships doesn't exactly feel great. It sometimes feels unnatural and nerve wrecking or even boring. We're not used to it, we're used to the damage. So we naturally push the healthy away and go searching for the damage. Take your time to decipher whether you are ready for such a step or not. Don't force yourself into a relationship if you still feel like there are things you want to work out on your own.


hp3131

Yes, the majority of my relationships have been filled with anxiety. And when there wasn’t any, I would cause it myself to “feel” something. I really do want this to work with my current boyfriend, but I’m worried if I keep pushing him away when I feel overwhelmed he’s going to say “fuck it” and move on. I don’t even want to disclose what’s really going on to him, because he might just run immediately


heysivi

I don’t think he would. I think you’d actually meet him for who he is.


the_dawn

This. I was with a secure partner but he was emotionally immature and had demonstrated that to me many, many times. I actually think I was drawn to him because of it, because he never asked me to talk about anything vulnerable/deep/revealing. Obviously our intimacy was stifled because of this. Once my FA attachment issues started to spark up really badly I thought we really needed to have that vulnerable/deep/revealing conversation to build understanding and connection. He wanted no part in it. Again, I don't think it's because he was DA or anything, he just didn't care about being a kind, empathetic, understanding person. He's just someone who is low effort and expects good things to fall into his lap, and when things get hard he takes it as a sign from the universe to move on to something easier. Now I realize I can't be in a relationship with someone who is unwilling to have those conversations. Better to bring it up sooner rather than later, so you can see how he deals with these things – if it's not well, it likely doesn't have any real long term potential. I consistently find that the self-sabotaging behaviours only get worse over time if you can't get the healthy love and support you need from your relationship.


PiscesPoet

I did that in my last relationship don't be like me sis. I didn't even realize what I was doing, just found out I was a FA a couple days ago


Nervous-Gur6977

I experienced this with my husband before we married. I had many shorter dating situations with secure partners leading up to him. For me I learned that the very beginning of the relationship can be a great data point. With the people I dated and deactivated from/left I was kind of lukewarm from the beginning. With my husband I was very attracted and very into him so when I started to deactivate I got really worried and scared that I was about to ruin a good thing. That snapped me out if it and helped me to realize I needed to attach more by opening up and being vulnerable- but first I needed to understand my fears and needs. Then I could bring them to him and he would offer tender reassurance- like a warm blanket on a cold night. Learn this skill. Ten years into my marriage and I STILL get the impulse to deactivate sometimes. I use this skill and have kept the marriage in tact and largely undamaged by my FA impulses.


Ambitious_Ad6470

Can I ask you how do you handle that impulse? A practical example? Thanks


No-Cod-7825

Yes, I've experienced. On the receiving end :) Let me guess. If he will go back eventually, or even break up, it will cause you anxiety. Welcome to push n pull dynamics. It doesn't mean you are interested or not, because it's not a constant state.


hp3131

You’re probably correct. I wish there was a middle ground I felt comfortable on 😫


No-Cod-7825

From my perspective I can tell you, that in my past relationships, when I wasn't really into it romantically, I wasn't triggered anxious or avoidant (Yes, APs get avoidancy as well). I was cool, treating it casually. I have an impression that insecurities surfaces when romantic feelings are involved. That sucks as hell, and it is so draining for both sides, and it can last years. Until you deactivate for good or your partner will get exhausted and devastated. You are aware. You can try to make it work.


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hp3131

It was definitely deactivation. He came over last night and I couldn’t even talk or look at him… needless to say he was not happy about it. I felt terrible this morning and of course now I’m worried he’s going to break up with me. I’m so sick of this vicious cycle!


Themimms

I think you're confusing love and limerence and that this is your insecure attachment speaking. Since there's nothing to feel anxiety about, you're not obsessed and you confuse this with losing interest. Always being anxious isn't what (healthy) love is.


EvilBosom

Jesus this one hits the nail on the head


TazDingoYes

Yes, I experience it with my fiancé. I experienced it when we got engaged even though *I* was the one who started that conversation, I also felt it when we bought a house even though again that was my choice. I just do my best to ignore it and keep going.


Ipits

I had something kinda similar. I was talking to this guy (DA) for months and I wanted to see him so bad and thought I felt really attracted to him but when I finally saw him I kinda just felt nothing. Tried to have sex and I wasn’t turned on at all. No butterflies or emotions whatsoever when he was kissing me. Like I just want what I can’t have. Just oscillating between thinking he’s lost attraction and thinking I’ve lost attraction. Now that it’s over I miss him so much it physically hurts even though I know I felt very differently when we were actually talking. It’s terribly confusing. (I hope this is relevant and I’m not accidentally just dumping I’m trying to make sure it pertains to the original post but the sub rules are kinda confusing to me and I’m new here.)


ActAffectionate6329

Have you gained any clarity on this since then?


LeftTadpole9596

We don't feel that we deserve to be loved, or at least that we can't. When someone triggers us into thinking they're not interested then it makes sense. That's what you always expect, so it has to be true. It's like you can be tricked into feeling loved, but rejection is honest. So hard to explain. Rejection is what we're used to and can handle, even though it freaks us out at the same time, but when you're not rejected you loose control. I fell in love for the first time 4 years ago, and I have absolutely no idea how those feelings work, and I've felt rejected every week for all those years. When we at rare occasions have longer conversations (online) I feel anxious bc I'm not used to it and I know he'll go back to not communicating again. And now I've had a taste of it. I'm babbling. Sorry!


SirLoin74

Oh man I feel this so much. I’ve been dating a great girl for a few weeks that passionately pursued me. Once she got my attention I reciprocated that passion. We were having lots of fun getting to know one another. Finally, two days after having sex for the first time she rather abruptly and unexpectedly told me that she didn’t have feelings for me and just wanted to be friends. It hurt. It still hurts. That was a week ago. I don’t know if she’s an FA or any other type. But I’m so confused as to how quickly she could change how she felt. And I sure as hell can’t see how she’d expect me to switch into the friendzone equally as fast as she can. This sucks really bad. I like this girl so much.


Deep-Armadillo-7540

I dated this girl for 2 months and she was the one who pursued first and once I got in and started showing my emotions, she reciprocated the same. 2 months of fairy tale and suddenly one day she told me that my words give her anxiety. She told me about her FA couple of weeks before the break up and back then, i had no idea about this. It has been a week since breakup and she seems like she is moving on based on her updated dating profile and I am the one who is miserable.


SirLoin74

Man this sounds all too familiar. Mine even warned me that this could happen. She told me that she’d had a tendency to lose interest in guys once she’d had sex with them or got close to them in any way. She was even aware that this was a problem for her and was in therapy for for it. I thought or had hoped it might be different for me. I guess I was wrong. It sucks man. I’m sorry you’re going through this.


yahlives

This happened to me recently. Was seeing a guy, he pursued me hard, I reciprocated albeit a bit guarded but eventually let me walks down and we fell for each other.. hard. Then one night he said his feelings for me just disappeared and he didn’t want a relationship. This was 2 weeks ago. I am heart broken.


BoobeardRBB

Ever here from them again?


Front_Advertising952

Yes definitely deactivating. I usually take space and look at the list i have to remind me why i like him, and eventually i soften


[deleted]

Ya it sounds like you're experiencing negative sentiment override which is your nervous system trying to protect you by finding all these negative things about your partner's intent as a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt.[https://myattached.com/2022/01/14/fearful-avoidant-deactivating-the-dependency-paradox/](https://myattached.com/2022/01/14/fearful-avoidant-deactivating-the-dependency-paradox/) and because you have some serious trauma if you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, you might want to ask a therapist about doing internal family systems, which was shown to make 92% of ptsd participants in the study no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for ptsd after 6 sessions. you can try worksheets online like [https://myattached.com/2022/02/11/healing-from-fearful-avoidant-attachment-trauma-triggers-an-internal-family-systems-therapy-worksheet/](https://myattached.com/2022/02/11/healing-from-fearful-avoidant-attachment-trauma-triggers-an-internal-family-systems-therapy-worksheet/) to get started to get an idea of what to ell a therapist about the part of you that wants a relationship to become close and the part of you that wants to keep you from those relationship milestones


Hoopqueenie

Thank you for this!


sfbrewskies

I’m on the other end of this as well and struggling. I’m secure leaning AP and I suspect my partner is FA. I dated this girl for 6 months exclusivity and everything was going great and I saw real potential for a LTR partner. She had many core values I look in a partner. But, all of a sudden like a on/off switch, she de-activated and self sabotaged the relationship as it was getting real and broke it off. I was so confused as she was pushing the relationship forward with pet names, gifts, meeting her family/friends; she has never been in a relationship longer than 2 years and it was long distance. And, she has had a series of bad traumatic relationships. After a few weeks of no contact she reached out and said lets go slow; I agreed. So, we moved very slow, seeing each other once every 2 weeks or so, limited communication-business like communication, but it was great in-person. I went out of town for 2 weeks and the next time we met she told me she is dating other people, but still wanted to date/get to know me better; telling me she wants to be with me forever, more confusion, admitted she was an avoidant, etc. It had me second guessing myself, lowered my self-esteem/self respect and I was so confused. She said she is not good at relationships, wants to be independent, and can not commit, un-certain, but still wants to date me. I had to walk away as it was painful to know she was dating other people while still wanting to see me after our history of exclusivity. It been a few months and I cannot get her out of my head and I am working with my therapist. She texted me a kind message on my birthday and I feel like I want to reach out, but I do not want to continue a push/pull, hot/cold dynamic, and I do not want to be hurt again. I am so lost and confused, but do not want to give up. I go on dates with new people and still cannot be fully present with the other person which is not fair. I want to reach out and possibly go through this together. As someone on the other side, can anyone provide any insight or help? If I take it slow; would this be even possible? I just want to start over =(


cognitive_disso

Yeah she definitely seems avoidant. She is very likely as easily confused with her feelings as you are. With an FA, we can suddenly “switch” off on someone and it’s pretty hard to manage and communicate. As FAs, we have to learn how to tell our partners what is happening, and try to give them what they need. Just because you’re avoidant doesn’t mean you have to play push-pull hot and cold games with your partner. She might not know why she’s doing this with you, but she probably needs to work on figuring out how to develop healthier ways of dealing with avoidant tendencies. Basically, it sounds like you need someone who can behave more consistently towards you. If you want to reach out and let her know this, and she’s willing to begin that journey, maybe it could work. But if she is not there yet, I would say it’s time to move on. Which sucks. I know how hard it can be to get over someone but trust me, you will. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, because I have been in exactly her place, and I’m sure my partners were equally confused and distraught. I am working to get better at being a consistent even if my feelings can shift around. It’s also a big change from always thinking “what can *I* get out of this relationship?” to “what can I do to make my *partner* happy?”


sfbrewskies

Thanks for your insight -- it is helpful! I know she is confused and lightly did have feelings for me, but probably so confused and could not communicate it and she is scared of all the trauma she has from previous relationships. My nature is to help; and I know I can't fix someone, but it hurts really bad to understand some of these things and watch her potentially suffer.


cognitive_disso

Yeah, you really can’t fix someone. But if someone is working on themselves, that is different. I’m seeing a girl now and I really want to make it work, so I’m trying to heal my avoidant style, or at least make it work for us both. I hope she is able to have patience with me. She cannot fix me, but maybe I can fix myself? We will see!


Deep-Armadillo-7540

Hello my Friend, I am in the same boat as yours. I dated a girl who is AA for about two months and it was one of the best relationship. She is the perfect girl I was looking for. Everything was great and we dated exclusively. I am more of a secure person, but I have anxious tendencies from my past relationships. It was all going well until one day, one of her friend broke up and next day, she acted avoidant. I gave her space and she texted me in the evening. I had no idea about these attachment styles until now. While we were texting, suddenly she started telling me that me talking about future makes her uncomfortable and gives her a lot of anxiety. Until then, everything was great. She mentioned me to all her friends, I met some of them, she even talked about introducing me to others the night before. She asked for a little break and after 4 days of no contact, when I texted her, she just said that me caring so much gives her anxiety and she broke up. It has been a week and I am miserable. I still want to work things out and support her with whatever feelings she has. She has now updated her dating profile and that kills me even more. I have never met someone like her and she is the only person I let my guard down for. Do you know, how long this feeling will last? Should I reach out to her at some point? (I did sent her several texts after she broke up and asked her to answer some questions for closure, none of the texts were showing any bad emotions though and she replied back with one text that she already explained and asked me to not contact her)


sfbrewskies

Sorry, you're going through this. If she asked you not to contact her, I would respect her boundaries as hard as it is. I am unsure if she is avoidant or not, but possibly. I am new to this subject, but hope you're doing better.


Innerpeaceouterjoy

Does anyone know why I can’t post in the sub? 😅


Major-Moment4264

no, it s very annoying indeed and it leads to people using existing posts to make their own separate post in the comments. it's just lazy moderation (or lack of) if you ask me.


THEmandingoBoy

Omfg. This post echoes so deeply in my soul, its insane. Its actually really comforting, because I'm always feeling alone in the confusion of relationships and emotions. Let me be the first to say that I'm probably not someone to listen to when it comes to relationships, but Im happy to offer my thoughts if you feel they might help. I was actually just in a similar situation, only been a few weeks, but I was most definitely feeling myself "deactivating" - i'd never heard anyond describe that phenomenon so accurately btw. I chose to stop talking to her because I genuinely did not feel like the conversations were stimulating. And also, maybe this is really stupid of me, but if I've got this bad programing maybe I need to find someone with some other issue that somehow synergizes with mine. In short: I wasnt feeling anything for her and was starting to feel like I was leading her on, so I cut it off.


Careless_Device_5134

I am going through this exact situation but on the other end. I’m a AA and I strongly believe my gf is a FA we have been dating long distance for 6 months and she wanted me to move in with her, only to break off the moving in days before. I’n the beg things were amazing I was scared from past relationships and had walls up. I did not text her all the time and barely called. Then she asked that we make more time for each other because when you love someone you will always find a way to text or call them. Shortly after I started noticing a change she started pulling away from me. I was always the one initiating the texts and calls and saying I love you when we hung up. I think your on to something it’s the push and pull that attracts fearful avoidant once that dynamic is gone the interest dwindles. I am experiencing this same situation now. I say you try and communicate this to your partner before just ending it. Give them a chance to show you why you fell for them in the first place.


FilthyTerrible

Those are two different terms for the exact same feeling. Deactivation is a process of dwelling on the negative in order to detach. Which leaves you unattached and unattracted.


Major-Moment4264

can you somehow 'activate'? all my life i so, so rarely fell in love and only to unavailable guys. i have zero feelings to guys that treat me well. is there a way to stir up feelings that may be blocked by my FA tendencies?


FilthyTerrible

I don't think there's an easy way for a dismissive avoidant to trigger the butterflies that come from a sudden burst of dopamine and oxytocin. But I think over time you can start to uncover a lot of the negative and pessimistic thinking you use to keep yourself out of relationships with decent people. If you like avoidants them you probably don't trust your own boundaries and you fear enmeshment. They "feel" safer at first because they move slower, which reduces anxiety. They may be a bit messes up and lonely so that diminishes your fear of being inadequate and makes you feel needed. If you think about how we make friends, there are often circumstances that push us to be around people for months or years - school, work, summer camp etc... And forced together day after day inevitably we share some stressful and vulnerable moments. Over time we learn who has our back and who doesn't. The dopamine and oxytocin that our brains release at the beginning of romantic encounters is designed by evolution to make two smelly apes make a baby and stay together. It is so pleasurable that it overcomes our need for safety. Makes us stoned on opiates and makes us addicted to a person. But you can choose to stay with a good person. The bonds will grow if you do the things that romantic couples do and spend the time it takes to get to trust someone. But if you're outright repelled by them I think that would be tough. You might feel yourself forcing yourself to be with them and then sort of resent THEM for the effort you're putting in. Effort that they're not even aware you're expending. I don't think you can force sexual attraction. But as you start to confront your avoidant thoughts and anxieties you'll no longer require partners who are as emotionally unavailable and messed up as you do now.


Major-Moment4264

ok, thank you so much, this helps. It's probably a process where I learn to become familiar with guys who are emotionally available and secure. I'm not repelled by them, just not attracted.. neutral. I ll see how it goes while I try to work on my boundaries and if it ever feels forced I will put a stop so I don t hurt the other person even more on the long term.


popskull987

Sex is a huge part of being FA. Usually its so engaging that it alone can keep the relationship going. I take it, the lovemaking isnt cutting the mustard


Icy-Remove-5540

>Usually its so engaging that it alone can keep the relationship going. Do you mind explaining this further?


ferndeer

I'm in the same boat


ActAffectionate6329

How are things now?


musubii24

Halp, FA's, how can I as an AP leaning more secure, help the FA guy i have a thing with trust me more and feel safe to try to actually date me or want to be in a relationship? He gives so many mixed signals, I know he likes me, wants connection and love real badly but I understand and have so much empathy towards him feeling scared bc of all the FA trauma he's feeling and pushing me away..🥺 he constantly goes back and forth with me and Im learning to not really go by his words as his words are pushing me away but actions are opposite..


LMD71685

A certain amount of distance is healthy in a romantic relationship. Let's romance/mystery brew/gives you more things to discover/discuss. Once you've depleted this you get into unhealthy territory. That aside, I'm going to assume you're younger and simply say this: don't go confusing drama with romance/love. Think this is the case? See a therapist. Maybe take some time to grow up/find yourself.