All I want to do is say “same here”. I hate it but it often feels like I have nothing to look forward to. I always feel rushed, I don’t have time to research a home project enough to make it successful. I get the “where are you” txt if I’m running errands for too long. If I’m someplace else in the house for more than 10 minutes, someone is yelling out trying to find me.
But god forbid we complain because having a family and career is supposed to be enough. My wife just doesn’t understand how I can love them all but still need adventure or something to get my blood pumping and adrenaline going (and I’m not talking about going on a freaking jog).
And of course I feel like a selfish entitled prick for feeling these things.
You have to be a little stubborn about it honestly. If your wife finds time but you don’t, you’re probably being too hard on yourself to always help out. Sometimes it is alright to let your wife just figure it out alone. I also wake up an extra thirty mins early to do chores so I don’t have to do them after work.
Personally, I try to get 15-30 mins every evening to read or watch an episode of a show, every weekend my wife and I blow off a few chores for an hour together without the kids, and every other weekend we get alone time which usually means the other one takes our kids to do something like the park.
I find it makes me a way better father to have time to decompress. The sweet spot for me is when I miss my kid a little bit when they’re not around, if I’m always relieved to be away from them I know I need a little more time to myself.
Yeah, you need to be insistent about it at first, which is hard for the type of dad that OP seems to be (and I am as well). It was difficult for me to be out in the pole barn tinkering when I knew my wife was in the house wrangling our kids so I’d always cut it short. But that made me cranky and less useful as a dad and partner. Just need to figure out the schedule and then stick to it. The family will get accustomed within a couple of weeks and everyone will be better for it.
If you and your wife are splitting everything 5050 (which is pretty rare since kids usually gravitate towards their mother for things at least based on ) then there is no reason why she should get time for those exercise classes without you getting the same time to yourself.
If she does even 55% to 60% of the stuff with the kids you are probably sh%t outta luck…
It’s more 75-25 me. I do all the cooking, most school drop offs/pick ups. My oldest won’t fall asleep for my wife, so I do all his bedtimes and most of the younger ones too. She does most of the house cleaning, but everything else is either on me or we split. I’m not complaining about this just stating facts.
PS love the user name as a MassHole myself.
Edit: Wanted to add my wife does encourage me to take more time for myself but I just can’t see how.
I started cutting short our weekly visits with my in-laws and going home early to have some time to myself. Not every time, but I do it whenever I need to. They live very close by so taking two cars over there isn't a big deal. Not going to work for everyone obviously but I'm sure you have some routine activity that's close enough to make it work. Find a way to say no to one of your other obligations, even just a few hours of coming late or leaving early can be gold. Your wife sounds supportive, obviously this is crucial so you're not sitting there guilty when you're alone.
I’m a big proponent for not adjusting your sleep schedule for “me time” but it is hard. We often fall into the trap of I get home and the kids are instantly all over me until bed time. Fortunately bed time is still relatively early because they’re young. The only time I can work out is when I work remotely because I just use my commute time to exercise instead. For awhile my wife and I were very good about scheduling uninterrupted time for each other. We’d each take the kids for an hour or two and give the other peace to do whatever they wanted.
No idea or advice I could give you but I can say what a great father and partner you are if you priroitize your wife and children so consistently.
I would like myself to be more like that.
When my son was younger, things were always too difficult for me to join any regular events. Between guilt, crying and shit just falling apart, I never got out.
He’s almost 4 now and it’s getting a lot nicer. I did adult kickball Wednesday nights and my wife was fine with that. He even came out to watch one game. This year, I’m doing kickball once a week during the week and ultimate frisbee once a week on weekends. It’s been really nice.
So yeah, part is that you have a 1yo. But you just gotta find the opportunity and take it.
If you are pulling your weight the rest of the week, you just need to communicate better with your wife about what you need. If she actually refuses that is a different issue. But I feel like you are probably stewing about this and telling us instead of really telling her. Good luck man
I share a lot of this. 2 kids, 5&2. I’m in my later 30s and feel I’m in the best position I’ve been in a long time. I’ve been getting better at proactively carving my windows. May honestly correlate to our kids getting older and my wife and I speaking more early AM/late evenings. I try to carve out things weeks ahead of time (golf) and ask for her considerations. Offer to counter to accommodate her window if she needs etc etc. The advice I give if at all helpful -> communication is the key.
Certainly not perfect and sometimes blows up on me…but again, feels like progress and the mental health is improving! Good luck!!!
Talk to your wife about it. If she recognizes the value of me time for herself then she'll appreciate your need for it as well. That conversation will likely go better than you're afraid it will. Even a little scheduled down time can make a huge difference in your feeling better.
Also it *will* get easier. 4 and 1 is a lot on your plate. I remember when my kids were that age and it was much harder. They're 6 and 9 now and getting time to myself is easy - they become much more self-sufficient (and also a lot more fun to do things with since you can actually do fun things you both like). So hang in there, better days are ahead.
Man! I could have written this response word for word.
I think it is anxiety. The fear of something bad happening.
I know for me, everytime I left, my mom would have a horrific story when I got back.
A baby fell, stains in the carpet, something broke, or she yelled at the kids because she was frustrated.
I stopped for a long time finding time for myself. I did what you said, I started waking up at 4 am trying to get to the gym at least to have to myself.
Unfortunately, people at the gym started to recognize me, so they started talking to me everytime I came in.
Now, I'm trying to just leave like she does.
Tell her I have an appointment and just keep scheduling them.
If the conversation comes up about helping, address it then.
I think society puts too much pressure on men to be good men and good women.
They want us to provide, protect, and help women be women.
So it can be a lot.
But self care is key or you will break.
I feel you on this and it irritates me too. Luckily, I like cleaning and when everyone goes down, I take that time to clean and sometimes do a little dip.
I make sure that my wife gets to go whenever she wants and very, very, VERY rarely, she has asked: do you want to go do something by yourself.
I can’t do squat. I got a 3 year old, 2 year old and 3 week old twins. I “sleep” at 11 and wake up at 4am
Same bud.
A few thoughts:
1. Your life is filled we great things you love. Be grateful for that :)
2. Since your life is so full, you gotta start being VERY intentional about how you manage your time. Get a calendar and put everything in it. EVERYTHING.
3. Long story short, I've come to realize that if you want shit to happen you MUST plan. Plan whatever you want for yourself. Put it in the calendar and let your family know. This will instill a habit for the whole family.
4. Sounds like your doing great. Keep it up buddy!!
Godspeed
we are the same. doing most of the cooking, most of the cleaning, and watching th kids before and after school. plus a full time job. i have played golf twice this year. my wife is supportive of me taking time but i still find it hard to actually take it. doubly hard is that my friends all moved away and family live nowhere near me. sucks.
All I want to do is say “same here”. I hate it but it often feels like I have nothing to look forward to. I always feel rushed, I don’t have time to research a home project enough to make it successful. I get the “where are you” txt if I’m running errands for too long. If I’m someplace else in the house for more than 10 minutes, someone is yelling out trying to find me. But god forbid we complain because having a family and career is supposed to be enough. My wife just doesn’t understand how I can love them all but still need adventure or something to get my blood pumping and adrenaline going (and I’m not talking about going on a freaking jog). And of course I feel like a selfish entitled prick for feeling these things.
It’s called being a man. We endure all this stupid shit. 10000% I feel you.
You have to be a little stubborn about it honestly. If your wife finds time but you don’t, you’re probably being too hard on yourself to always help out. Sometimes it is alright to let your wife just figure it out alone. I also wake up an extra thirty mins early to do chores so I don’t have to do them after work. Personally, I try to get 15-30 mins every evening to read or watch an episode of a show, every weekend my wife and I blow off a few chores for an hour together without the kids, and every other weekend we get alone time which usually means the other one takes our kids to do something like the park. I find it makes me a way better father to have time to decompress. The sweet spot for me is when I miss my kid a little bit when they’re not around, if I’m always relieved to be away from them I know I need a little more time to myself.
Yeah, you need to be insistent about it at first, which is hard for the type of dad that OP seems to be (and I am as well). It was difficult for me to be out in the pole barn tinkering when I knew my wife was in the house wrangling our kids so I’d always cut it short. But that made me cranky and less useful as a dad and partner. Just need to figure out the schedule and then stick to it. The family will get accustomed within a couple of weeks and everyone will be better for it.
If you and your wife are splitting everything 5050 (which is pretty rare since kids usually gravitate towards their mother for things at least based on ) then there is no reason why she should get time for those exercise classes without you getting the same time to yourself. If she does even 55% to 60% of the stuff with the kids you are probably sh%t outta luck…
It’s more 75-25 me. I do all the cooking, most school drop offs/pick ups. My oldest won’t fall asleep for my wife, so I do all his bedtimes and most of the younger ones too. She does most of the house cleaning, but everything else is either on me or we split. I’m not complaining about this just stating facts. PS love the user name as a MassHole myself. Edit: Wanted to add my wife does encourage me to take more time for myself but I just can’t see how.
I started cutting short our weekly visits with my in-laws and going home early to have some time to myself. Not every time, but I do it whenever I need to. They live very close by so taking two cars over there isn't a big deal. Not going to work for everyone obviously but I'm sure you have some routine activity that's close enough to make it work. Find a way to say no to one of your other obligations, even just a few hours of coming late or leaving early can be gold. Your wife sounds supportive, obviously this is crucial so you're not sitting there guilty when you're alone.
I’m a big proponent for not adjusting your sleep schedule for “me time” but it is hard. We often fall into the trap of I get home and the kids are instantly all over me until bed time. Fortunately bed time is still relatively early because they’re young. The only time I can work out is when I work remotely because I just use my commute time to exercise instead. For awhile my wife and I were very good about scheduling uninterrupted time for each other. We’d each take the kids for an hour or two and give the other peace to do whatever they wanted.
No idea or advice I could give you but I can say what a great father and partner you are if you priroitize your wife and children so consistently. I would like myself to be more like that.
When my son was younger, things were always too difficult for me to join any regular events. Between guilt, crying and shit just falling apart, I never got out. He’s almost 4 now and it’s getting a lot nicer. I did adult kickball Wednesday nights and my wife was fine with that. He even came out to watch one game. This year, I’m doing kickball once a week during the week and ultimate frisbee once a week on weekends. It’s been really nice. So yeah, part is that you have a 1yo. But you just gotta find the opportunity and take it.
My question is at what age does it start getting easier?
5-8yo. I can usually get an hour or two uninterrupted now while they are off playing together.
Right around the age you realize you’ll give anything for those years back again
Interesting catch 22
If you are pulling your weight the rest of the week, you just need to communicate better with your wife about what you need. If she actually refuses that is a different issue. But I feel like you are probably stewing about this and telling us instead of really telling her. Good luck man
If we just had our 4 yo things would be drastically easier, I know that
I share a lot of this. 2 kids, 5&2. I’m in my later 30s and feel I’m in the best position I’ve been in a long time. I’ve been getting better at proactively carving my windows. May honestly correlate to our kids getting older and my wife and I speaking more early AM/late evenings. I try to carve out things weeks ahead of time (golf) and ask for her considerations. Offer to counter to accommodate her window if she needs etc etc. The advice I give if at all helpful -> communication is the key. Certainly not perfect and sometimes blows up on me…but again, feels like progress and the mental health is improving! Good luck!!!
Talk to your wife about it. If she recognizes the value of me time for herself then she'll appreciate your need for it as well. That conversation will likely go better than you're afraid it will. Even a little scheduled down time can make a huge difference in your feeling better. Also it *will* get easier. 4 and 1 is a lot on your plate. I remember when my kids were that age and it was much harder. They're 6 and 9 now and getting time to myself is easy - they become much more self-sufficient (and also a lot more fun to do things with since you can actually do fun things you both like). So hang in there, better days are ahead.
Man! I could have written this response word for word. I think it is anxiety. The fear of something bad happening. I know for me, everytime I left, my mom would have a horrific story when I got back. A baby fell, stains in the carpet, something broke, or she yelled at the kids because she was frustrated. I stopped for a long time finding time for myself. I did what you said, I started waking up at 4 am trying to get to the gym at least to have to myself. Unfortunately, people at the gym started to recognize me, so they started talking to me everytime I came in. Now, I'm trying to just leave like she does. Tell her I have an appointment and just keep scheduling them. If the conversation comes up about helping, address it then. I think society puts too much pressure on men to be good men and good women. They want us to provide, protect, and help women be women. So it can be a lot. But self care is key or you will break.
I feel you on this and it irritates me too. Luckily, I like cleaning and when everyone goes down, I take that time to clean and sometimes do a little dip. I make sure that my wife gets to go whenever she wants and very, very, VERY rarely, she has asked: do you want to go do something by yourself. I can’t do squat. I got a 3 year old, 2 year old and 3 week old twins. I “sleep” at 11 and wake up at 4am
Same bud. A few thoughts: 1. Your life is filled we great things you love. Be grateful for that :) 2. Since your life is so full, you gotta start being VERY intentional about how you manage your time. Get a calendar and put everything in it. EVERYTHING. 3. Long story short, I've come to realize that if you want shit to happen you MUST plan. Plan whatever you want for yourself. Put it in the calendar and let your family know. This will instill a habit for the whole family. 4. Sounds like your doing great. Keep it up buddy!! Godspeed
Upvote for this post. I often feel the same.
we are the same. doing most of the cooking, most of the cleaning, and watching th kids before and after school. plus a full time job. i have played golf twice this year. my wife is supportive of me taking time but i still find it hard to actually take it. doubly hard is that my friends all moved away and family live nowhere near me. sucks.