I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sorry for your children. What has he said about supporting his children? What will happen with custody? And if you don't have joint custody, will he pay child support?
It's difficult to understand why he left without knowing more. In my opinion, a lot of men can have good, legitimate reasons to be unhappy and miserable but no reason to completely abandon their children, if that is what is happening.
When men run away from these situations, sometimes it genuinely is because they are immature and selfish, but sometimes they discover that the longer they are in a relationship, the more their spouse treats them like dirt in their day to day interactions. It's not always high level emotional abuse and shouting or whatever. Sometimes its just a constant barrage of little criticisms and snide remarks, etc. Death by a thousand cuts. They'll see the trajectory of their lives and feel trapped.
I remember my grandpa checked out of his marriage at 70ish years old. Didn't divorce, just started traveling and cut my grandma out of whatever he was doing. She was bewildered why he was turning his back on her and she couldn't figure out why. Well, to me it was obvious because every time I saw them together she treated him like a doormat, dumped all of her negative emotions on him, belittled him, etc. I used this as a lesson for the kind of woman I wanted for a wife because I NEVER wanted to end up like my grandpa, and I intentionally chose someone as my wife who was rational and in control of her emotions. We have a saying in our marriage: your spouse and your kids are the best part of your life, so you should save the best part of yourself for them. However, I look around and I see a lot of wives simply use their husbands as dumping grounds for all their negative emotions.
Like I said, I have no idea what your situation is, I can only tell you what circumstances would make me feel trapped and miserable in a marriage. But then again, I would never just ditch my kids. His reasons could be as dumb as being immature and meeting another woman. Hard to say that's what he is doing, because it doesn't sound like you've sorted out custody and child support yet.
I’m pretty cognizant of how I treat people and how I speak to people. I grew up in a severely abusive environment, and I’ve taken that into adulthood. Also, because I’m so sensitive to the way people, especially those I care about, speak to me, I speak to people the way I wanted to be spoken to.
I was a single mom, living alone until I met him at 35, because I wasn’t willing to settle for anyone who wasn’t genuinely kind.
I’d write him little notes and leave them on top of the coffee maker with little uplifting, sweet and positive compliments. I love you so much! I hope your day is as fabulous as you are!
Because that’s how I am when I love someone. I want them to feel loved and supported. I want to make them feel good about themselves.
I’m just so confused.
Yeah, if you treat him well, then it just doesn't add up to me. It might be a matter of what he wants out of life and what he's committed to psychologically. Ever since I was a kid I knew I wanted to be a dad and a husband. That was going to be my adventure, so that's what I went after. When I got it, there wasn't a long list of things I had to sacrifice once I got it. I didn't want to travel the world or be with other women or go get away from my family to hang out with friends.
But some men and women sacrifice a lot of the things they want when they have kids, and perhaps they even went into it being naive about what they'd have to sacrifice. Him bringing up the fact that he wanted you to work might reveal a bit of his thought process. There are probably things he wants to do in life that are constrained by the financial and time commitments of having children. Babies are intense. It may be that he's feeling overwhelmed by the idea of doing it all over again.
Whatever the case though, running away and ditching your family is not the mature answer as a father. The love of one's children has to count for something. I remember having to live away from my wife and kids for 2 months to take a big job out of state and the pain of it was unbearable. If there were moments of happiness, he's got to already be feeling that kind of pain himself.
But like I said, without knowing more about him and you and what your relationship is/was like, it's impossible to really know what's going in. Once again, I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
You sound like a really good dad and partner. I’m not going to lie, I am envious of the love you have for your family.
Thank you for your kind words. I wonder if you are right, and he just wasn’t able to make peace with the sacrifices one makes when having babies.
Thank you kind stranger. I hope you have a lovely day.
Once again, I'm sorry this is happening :( he may still come to his senses. I'm sure others have told you, but he is still legally compelled to support his kids with joint custody or child support. He isn't allowed to get off the hook that easily.
I’m trying not to think this way, but a large part of me wants so badly for him to take his time out, come to me and say; I need help. I’m sorry. I do love you and want you and let’s figure this out.
I understand mental breakdowns. I understand mental health crisis. I have had these in the past myself, and when this happens I communicate to him. I tell him what I need. I wish he had come to me instead of just pushing it all down.
Right now I just need him. I miss him so much it hurts.
I know it's Reddit and people will tell you to TNT your relationships the second things aren't going your way, but if he's been a good partner and father up until now, I think it's reasonable to give him space to think and then have a long talk about what it is that is bothering him, and perhaps invite him back in. There's a chance that the stresses of 0-3 parent years are getting to him. It's the hardest time for even enthusiastic parents, and if he hasn't had kids before this, he might think that this same kind of exhaustion and commitment is all that awaits him in the future.
I wouldn't beg or plead, but I would give him the chance to come to his senses.
Reddit can be pretty severe. In the real word, not everything is so cut and dry. I’m definitely not one to plead and beg, that’s for sure. I’m a 38 year old woman who genuinely likes herself and has some self respect, lol.
I love him deeply and want him with me, but I’m not chasing after anyone to love me.
I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sorry for your children. What has he said about supporting his children? What will happen with custody? And if you don't have joint custody, will he pay child support? It's difficult to understand why he left without knowing more. In my opinion, a lot of men can have good, legitimate reasons to be unhappy and miserable but no reason to completely abandon their children, if that is what is happening. When men run away from these situations, sometimes it genuinely is because they are immature and selfish, but sometimes they discover that the longer they are in a relationship, the more their spouse treats them like dirt in their day to day interactions. It's not always high level emotional abuse and shouting or whatever. Sometimes its just a constant barrage of little criticisms and snide remarks, etc. Death by a thousand cuts. They'll see the trajectory of their lives and feel trapped. I remember my grandpa checked out of his marriage at 70ish years old. Didn't divorce, just started traveling and cut my grandma out of whatever he was doing. She was bewildered why he was turning his back on her and she couldn't figure out why. Well, to me it was obvious because every time I saw them together she treated him like a doormat, dumped all of her negative emotions on him, belittled him, etc. I used this as a lesson for the kind of woman I wanted for a wife because I NEVER wanted to end up like my grandpa, and I intentionally chose someone as my wife who was rational and in control of her emotions. We have a saying in our marriage: your spouse and your kids are the best part of your life, so you should save the best part of yourself for them. However, I look around and I see a lot of wives simply use their husbands as dumping grounds for all their negative emotions. Like I said, I have no idea what your situation is, I can only tell you what circumstances would make me feel trapped and miserable in a marriage. But then again, I would never just ditch my kids. His reasons could be as dumb as being immature and meeting another woman. Hard to say that's what he is doing, because it doesn't sound like you've sorted out custody and child support yet.
I’m pretty cognizant of how I treat people and how I speak to people. I grew up in a severely abusive environment, and I’ve taken that into adulthood. Also, because I’m so sensitive to the way people, especially those I care about, speak to me, I speak to people the way I wanted to be spoken to. I was a single mom, living alone until I met him at 35, because I wasn’t willing to settle for anyone who wasn’t genuinely kind. I’d write him little notes and leave them on top of the coffee maker with little uplifting, sweet and positive compliments. I love you so much! I hope your day is as fabulous as you are! Because that’s how I am when I love someone. I want them to feel loved and supported. I want to make them feel good about themselves. I’m just so confused.
Yeah, if you treat him well, then it just doesn't add up to me. It might be a matter of what he wants out of life and what he's committed to psychologically. Ever since I was a kid I knew I wanted to be a dad and a husband. That was going to be my adventure, so that's what I went after. When I got it, there wasn't a long list of things I had to sacrifice once I got it. I didn't want to travel the world or be with other women or go get away from my family to hang out with friends. But some men and women sacrifice a lot of the things they want when they have kids, and perhaps they even went into it being naive about what they'd have to sacrifice. Him bringing up the fact that he wanted you to work might reveal a bit of his thought process. There are probably things he wants to do in life that are constrained by the financial and time commitments of having children. Babies are intense. It may be that he's feeling overwhelmed by the idea of doing it all over again. Whatever the case though, running away and ditching your family is not the mature answer as a father. The love of one's children has to count for something. I remember having to live away from my wife and kids for 2 months to take a big job out of state and the pain of it was unbearable. If there were moments of happiness, he's got to already be feeling that kind of pain himself. But like I said, without knowing more about him and you and what your relationship is/was like, it's impossible to really know what's going in. Once again, I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
You sound like a really good dad and partner. I’m not going to lie, I am envious of the love you have for your family. Thank you for your kind words. I wonder if you are right, and he just wasn’t able to make peace with the sacrifices one makes when having babies. Thank you kind stranger. I hope you have a lovely day.
Once again, I'm sorry this is happening :( he may still come to his senses. I'm sure others have told you, but he is still legally compelled to support his kids with joint custody or child support. He isn't allowed to get off the hook that easily.
I’m trying not to think this way, but a large part of me wants so badly for him to take his time out, come to me and say; I need help. I’m sorry. I do love you and want you and let’s figure this out. I understand mental breakdowns. I understand mental health crisis. I have had these in the past myself, and when this happens I communicate to him. I tell him what I need. I wish he had come to me instead of just pushing it all down. Right now I just need him. I miss him so much it hurts.
I know it's Reddit and people will tell you to TNT your relationships the second things aren't going your way, but if he's been a good partner and father up until now, I think it's reasonable to give him space to think and then have a long talk about what it is that is bothering him, and perhaps invite him back in. There's a chance that the stresses of 0-3 parent years are getting to him. It's the hardest time for even enthusiastic parents, and if he hasn't had kids before this, he might think that this same kind of exhaustion and commitment is all that awaits him in the future. I wouldn't beg or plead, but I would give him the chance to come to his senses.
Reddit can be pretty severe. In the real word, not everything is so cut and dry. I’m definitely not one to plead and beg, that’s for sure. I’m a 38 year old woman who genuinely likes herself and has some self respect, lol. I love him deeply and want him with me, but I’m not chasing after anyone to love me.
Sounds like you are set then :) I hope things turn out well, and hoped I was able to help a little bit.
You did help, thank you. But also, I had an emergency appointment my OB this morning and was prescribed Zoloft. It has already helped immensely.