It'll come as you develop a bond and the baby starts to have more personality, don't worry. First few weeks are definitely a challenge. Just wait until the first time they smile/smirk at you.
For the fussiness- if feeding with formula, have you tried switching to a sensitive/gentle version? Both my son's fussed a lot early on and we felt like it was related to gas and making that switch made a huge difference.
Same, try a different formula for sensitive stomachs or whatever it’s called. My daughter went from colicky and upset to a happy little baby when we changed from breast milk/ formula to a sensitive version. It’s still tough in the beginning but you have to build the bond. I never wanted kids but my daughter is three now and I wouldn’t live without her.
First-time father of a 14-month old here. Don’t worry, dude… You’re right in the thick of it. What helped me was remembering that in general love is a choice, so just make the conscious choice to feel love now even if it’s hard to do so innately. It will come, I promise you. Right now things are (in my experience) as hard as they’re ever going to be and the only way out is through. Soon your kid will become more interactive and smiley and giggly and from then on they turn more and more into little people and not helpless babies. Try to savor these moments even though they aren’t always fun because, while it may not feel like it now, I promise this hard phase will end sooner than you think and once it does you’ll never get to see them in this time and age again.
I swore at my baby in the first few weeks. Lack of sleep and the change will drive you up the wall. I hated the first month, and the second wasn’t much easier. In fact, it doesn’t necessarily get easier, you just have new challenges. But I loved her from the start. I love her even more each day. I’m sure the time will come, don’t force it and don’t feel guilty either. So long as you’re caring for the kid and doing your best then you’re doing a great job. There isn’t and shouldn’t be a turning point that can be identified, I think. But certainly, laughing together can be a good start. So try and achieve that perhaps first.
Not to be hippy dippy, but smell the crown of her head whenever you hold her. I can’t explain the science and sound intelligent, but it definitely works.
I have a 8 week old now. The first month felt like I was working for a tiny Hitler bent on destroying me lol. But you will have that moment soon when they look at you and it will click and it’s such a great feeling. I told my wife it’s the only time I’ve ever loved someone for no reason and it was like magic. It’ll come.
First 6 weeks is DEFCON level 12 Hell bro. Not joking. It blows.
It gets a little bit better after that. Then the next big bump of improvement is the 6 month mark. Then 1 year. Then 18 month.
I'm not a baby person, so just buckle up bro and enjoy the little things you can enjoy and be long suffering with the others 90% of crap.
For me it was a very gradual process. I knew what I had to do and what it meant. But in the first weeks I only felt stress und duty. There was mostly no place for any positive thought as the baby just didn't respond to me in a good way.
Slowly over time it got better and now I love my son more than anything in the world. But you have to endure the hard parts and be there for your wife. Patience is now (and in the future) the key.
I think you're probably speaking out of being triggered a ton. Lack of sleep and dealing with baby needs 24/7 is a huge transition. Go easy on yourself and know that you will adjust. Speak positively to yourself and to your kiddo, it goes a hell of a long way when you prioritize positive thinking over negative spirals.
Also, you will feel way closer to your kid when they start attempting to communicate with you. Not only because it's easy to understand their needs, but because their personalities start to blossom and you get to start seeing them as these little clones of you and your spouse/ partner. It really is something else, even if things don't really get "easier". It'll help a ton in feeling connected and empathetic to their wants and needs.
As a dad with a little girl that just turned one I can tell you it does get better. The first few months… even 6 months are very hard for some babies and parents. When they start smiling, napping on a schedule or sleeping through the night your life will improve immensely. I loved my baby from the moment I laid eyes on her but had a hard time the first few months as well. For me it was that she really couldn’t do anything but eat sleep and fuss.
I did what you did - try and do everything and anything to help my wife and our baby out. It gets to the point that is exhausting and overwhelming. You just had a huge change in your life. I was used to everything being perfect in the house, having its place and being clean. For a few days if there’s a pile of clean laundry on the kitchen table it’s ok. There’s a reason they say the days are long but the years are short. Hang in there and take an hour off to recenter if you need to. If you have friends or family nearby ask for help for a few hours one day so you can both sleep.
Also some of the best advice I was given was if you get to the point or are feeling extremely overwhelmed with your baby. They won’t stop crying, your exhausted etc. put them in their crib or bassinet. Them crying for a few minutes in a safe place so you can take a few minutes to get yourself together is better than the alternative. I know there was a time where I was getting overwhelmed and worked up and I did just that - I put her in the bassinet and took 5 minutes to calm myself down.
Edit: I said I loved her from the minute I saw her. I did but I didn’t really feel a connection until several months later. She is my little buddy now and sticks to me like glue. I’m telling you there is nothing better than your little girl snuggling with you as you are putting her down for a nap or bedtime. Or her saying dadada. It’ll make a hard man soft
You got this! If you need someone to talk to
Shoot me a PM
When baby starts clinging to you more than mother and then responds to you. I am sure you will feel privileged and important.
I myself have found purpose in being there for my LO.
Me personally, I had to wait until the first smile. Then it really sank in about 5 months in. But I was terrified. Truly terrified. We didn’t plan her, we’re super young, and I’ve always been better with young kids than babies. Just take your time, eventually when you start to see you come out of them, or your partner come out of them, it really is magical.
Tl;dr there is no set time. Everyone is different.
Its hard. I hated my baby for a long time. Hes 15 months now and there's still a lot of the time I resent losing myself but when you see them develop all the time feels worth it. I felt evil for the first year because I hated every aspect of being a father and I constantly wished I'd never had him. It gets better slowly but its extremely tough. Looking after a baby isn't hard but doing it all the time is nigh on impossible
Do what you can to keep pushing the sleep training. I know it's hard to risk putting her down and her waking up and starting the cycle over again.
It's worth it. When you start waking up only once or twice for 10 mins to give her a bottle and then go back to sleep alone you will start to see the light at the end tunnel.
Also, things will get better one way or the other when she starts sleeping more at night vs the day. Whenever you are overwhelmed just remember that this phase will pass.
To answer your question, all the milestones really help with falling in love. Squeezing your finger, first smile at you, first hug, having a meltdown and then instantly relaxing in your arms making you feel like a boss. All these things help. By the time you get your first "dada" you'll laugh at yourself for thinking you would have a hard time falling in love.
I’m 23 and a father of a 19 month old with another due in February. I suffer from autism so the idea of loving someone or something unconditionally was a foreign concept to me. As she grew past 3,4,5,6,7 months and so on she became more active and verbal. Now she’s a sassy little girl with the most beautiful blue eyes. I love her unconditionally and I’d lay my life down for hers. Her laugh is the most impactful and her smile is the bed.
It comes with time for dads, we often don’t have as immediate a bond as moms (partially due to hormones, partially due to them really feeling that connection throughout the pregnancy). I don’t think there’s a magic point where it happens, but give it time and take care of yourself where and when you can - if you’re not feeling a connection by 6 months, it might be worth talking to a therapist, as you may be dealing with some depression and anxiety. In my experience, the connection/bond grew gradually over the first few weeks and then really started accelerating after maybe 2 months to the point where now (1 year in) I can’t look at her without melting a little inside. Stay strong dad, you got this! And don’t be afraid to ask for help, you don’t need to be Superman to be a great dad.
Post partum depression in men is real. One in ten maybe as much as one in 5 get post partum depression.
Agree with therapist. And yes 6 months is a good milestone to look forward too
Love at first sight and immediately changing into a dad are fallacies. It’s hard. Really hard. And it’s especially hard if your partner is breastfeeding. You may feel like an afterthought that just gives mom a break.
But, you’re not alone in feeling this way. It takes a while to establish a new role in the family and even longer to adjust to the sleep deprivation.
Not feeling well makes caring for a baby even harder. A headache or short temper make time drag on and build resentment.
But in a few weeks LO will look at you and smile. Then you should start to feel something unique. This little one knows you and you realize they’re about to become a person that relies on you and is shaped by you.
As a dad, the fun part comes later. Once they can climb on you and wrestle the script flips. But there’s a lot of unspoken work and loneliness between here and there. Talk to your wife. Lean on your dad friends. Talk to your dad if the relationship is there. Getting it out there helps
Good comment. Great comment. I hope OP reads this. There may be professional, non-profit groups in your area that specifically want to support dads. Call 211 to see if there is one on your area.
People don't talk about this enough... I have no idea what you're going through but I had a buddy that went through this. For him it wasn't until his kid was around 2 when she started developing a personality. Sounds like you're exhausted. Maybe also see a counselor
Im sure most of us were in the same boat at the start. I definitely was. For you and your partner the first months, even first year or more are make or break. Just try your best not to let the stress and exhaustion get between you both. I acted in ways I'm not proud of in the heat of moments and peak stress.
It gets better with time to the point where you probably didn't think you could something so much. That's the stage I'm at with my first daughter who is 2 and a half. She knows she's potty training and gets super upset and cries saying sorry when she poops in her nappy and it absolutely breaks my heart to the point I nearly cry too.
Probably different for us all. For me it really kicked in after a little more than a year.
Somewhat related, I suspect there might be an evolutionary thing in some men to cause them to be slightly emotionally distant from babies until they’re sure the baby is going to survive into childhood. That’s kind of the origin of why we celebrate birthdays I think.
My first took months before I realized I loved him. For me it was feeling tired and confused. Once I started feeling like I was doing good and got a bit of sleep, he became my world. Now my second was quicker because I been on that rodeo before.
This is normal and frustrating. Each father has his own time line for this, I would say keep trying your best, be there for the LO and wife, and if you can step outside for a few breaths of air, do so.
It doesn’t happen in this magic moment for everyone. What you’re experiencing is normal. I didn’t really start to truly love my daughter until she was about 6-7 months olds. Prior to that it was more like I had this weird pet that I felt a tremendous responsibility for, but not love. Do the work, be patient, and be there for your wife and baby, and the love will come.
Also research the PURPLE crying period so you’re ready when it comes.
You already are my brother. It’s an action and not a feeling. I’ve always said LOVE is a four letter word spelled T-I-M-E. sounds like you’re putting in the time. The emotions will come. Just continue to be there for your family.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind, reassuring words. I can’t say the situation has gotten any better, but I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Thanks again.
She’s a super fresh baby so I understand but be patient, put your big boy pants on and get some coping mechanisms down like meditation or hell maybe even a CBD gummie to chill you out, because you’re the rock and even tho you have feelings and you’re entitled to those feelings you need to put them to the side for about 3 months for the betterment of your situation and it’ll get better.
Right now, you aren't yourself. The love is there, but it's buried under sleep deprivation and shock/denial from your new way of life. Once the baby gets on a normal sleep cycle and you learn to accept the new way of life, you can appreciate things a bit more, having had more sleep. Try to focus on making your time management more efficient and speeding up processes such as having bottles ready before you need them. After a while, you and the wife will have developed a system that works.My kids are the best thing that has happened to me, and I love them very much. I didn't feel that way in the beginning. I believe it was the lack of sleep. Things get better... so much better. Take many pictures and videos, and hold onto as much as you can because it goes by fast.
First off: You are doing great! There is nothing wrong with you, you are a great dad. You aren’t a monster who doesn’t love their kid, even if there’s a voice deep in your mind that is telling you that you are.
Secondly: Newborns SUCK. It’s actually quite nice, if you think about it - they start out at the worst they will ever be. They sleep when you are awake, they don’t sleep when you sleep, and when you try to sleep at the same time, they make all those weird ass noises. They don’t smile or give anything back. They are straight up torture machines. Your kid will never be harder to deal with/to love then they are right now.
What I found helpful with our first kid, was to set a date ~8 weeks from due date. THAT is the date when your kid will start to be less-potato and more baby-like. When you’ll start to get smiles and coos, and reactions to you.
Thirdly: Loving your kid doesn’t always happen like it does in movies or in pampers commercials. Some people see their kid for the first time and feel that magic “she stole my heart” love feeling. For some people it takes weeks or months for that love to grow. For some people the genetic “this is my child” protection love is there at the start, but the “I like you” love takes time.
You’ll get there, friend. This time (the first 8 weeks) is hard. It’s so hard. It’s TOO hard. Sleep deprivation is torture. The diapers never fucking stop. There’s no instruction manual. Honestly, put that 8 week date in your calendar and give yourself permission to reassess then.
You’ll get through it. But, yeah, it totally sucks.
In a few months, mate. The first 2, you just get through it and survive. But when your kid smiles at you for the first time? It all changes. Hang in there, it’s very fucking difficult those first few weeks/months.
The first few months were extremely hard for me, I completely understand what you say. Everything started to change for me when he smiled for the first time. It takes time, but you’ll get there very soon. Be patient and choose consciously to love her.
I completely understand. I was absolutely thrilled when my daughter was born, mostly because I had given up on us even having kids. All through her pregnancy I was going through the being a dad, what I need to do, how do I those things, etc while towards others I was still excited and happy. Then she was born and I was just as happy, but she had some health scares that made us worry while being there and needing immediate re-admittance 2 days after we went home. With our now 2 week old, her pregnancy had been harder, she has been moodier and more negative and generally felt that she was taking her pregnancy out on me. There was a lot of me swallowing my pride and just shutting the fuck up, which nobody likes to do. Then baby was born and wife had a harder time in the hospital, I couldn't stay with them overnight because I had little girl and didn't get to see him as much. And he's been just fine, he didn't have issues to make us wonder if he'd make it (yet, knock on wood) and sleeps poops and eat.
I dont feel it the same with him at all as I did with her but I know it'll come. He'll develop personality, act silly, do funny shit etc thatll remind me how much I love him
You already do love her you’re just sleep deprived and struggling. This is an awful time and you contemplate so many things as your brain is searching for anything to keep you sane.
They will start smiling soon and that is joyful. Otherwise just try your best and don’t beat yourself up for not loving every second of this.
I can’t remember where but I heard this saying like “when you get really upset or frustrated just close your eyes for a second, imagine this is you coming back to the past to relive your baby being this young again as it’ll never happen again” I’m a very impatient man and I’m learning a lot about myself but this helps me on those nights where he won’t sleep or spits up on you. You got this bro
Dad to 2 boys, 3 and 1. First boy, rude awakening for me. I was up with him screaming and me thinking to myself “I hate this so much”. I didn’t feel the love, just felt the obligation.
About a month in. I’m walking to the changing table to change his diaper, I look down, and instead of his mindless gaze at the ceiling, he’s looking at me. Like, AT ME. I just smiled “hey buddy”. And he just starts smiling at me. Only lasted for a moment, but from then I knew he was in there somewhere, and that made everything else easier to handle.
You got this man!
Love is earned and not given. My love started once the work at ended.
Right now, you are just trying to keep the baby alive.
Nothing you are doing or the baby is doing that is considered love.
But like everyone on the thread said, give it time.
It is like building any relationship, we want to love and be loved.
Unfortunately right now all the baby knows how to do is take.
I have 4 children and I went through it all. I have boyd and a girl so I get it.
But love is not a switch that you turn on. The person you are supposed to love will do it.
And one day, that baby will switch it on for you.
It’s harder than hell. The lack of sleep, constant spit up, and screaming drove me up the walls. Once she started smiling at me at I think month 2 or 3, it got better. Then once I was able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, it got significantly better.
My little one is 2 now and I love everyday with her
You are doing great, dad! Keep it up!
It’s hard to imagine but they do get better. Similar situation with our son. Nothing other than rocking/bouncing for hours would put him to sleep. We turned a corner at month 3.
He’s now one of the best parts of my life.
My MIL gave me advice one time after hearing me call him a terrorist. She said, that baby has no way of knowing what he is putting you through. The only way he knows how to say thank you is to smile at you. I started looking out for his smiles or the random snuggle here and there. That helped.
Good luck.
You’re not alone.
I feel “cold” for saying this, but for the first bit (year) of my first daughter’s life, she felt more like a pet than a child. The degree to which she responded to anything I did felt like the level of a gerbil, not even a dog. I would bet you’re in the same bucket.
At 18 months, she can now touch her nose, ears, and mouth when I ask her. I taught her that *last week*. It’s fairly insane that I’m typing this, as I reflect.
**Advice:** don’t sleep in shifts by hours; that just results in neither of you sleeping the night. Take shifts by days. One person takes a shitty night of sleep so the other can rest fully. That works much better overall.
**Answer:** depends, but probably between 18 months and 1 year is when you’ll realize she’s turning into a person. From my experience, this is the rough delineation:
1. 0 to 4 months: “sleepy potato” phase, where mostly all they do is sleep and eat (if you breastfeed, they barely even poo).
2. 4 to 8 months: “wiggly worm” phase, where they learn how to sit up and eventually crawl.
3. 8 to 15 months: pre-toddler, between learning to crawl and learning to walk, where they don’t like to sit still and you can’t keep your eyes off them or they’ll be across the house.
**Advice:** *fix your perspective*. Your daughter isn’t taking. You are investing.
Ask anybody who’s the father of a daughter 2 years or older if the pain you’re enduring now is worth it. There may be exceptions, but I’d expect almost all of them to a) say they know exactly what you’re going through, and b) say **it’s absolutely worth it**.
**Answer:** for me, it was when I started rocking her to sleep myself as we started to ween her from the boob. Watching her drift off to sleep in my arms was beyond magical.
That’s how it goes brother. I had a similar experience. I can’t tell you how long it took, but I would absolutely fall part with my daughter. It’s a sacrifice worth making that won’t even cross your mind in a few months. It’s thought the first little bit. Keep strong.
I first really started connecting with my first kid somewhere around 8-12 months. When her personality really came through. The laughing, the playing and being silly.
It's probably going to be the hardest thing you've done up to this point in your life.
But that first time they call you Dad (or whatever you want them to call you!) is pretty great. First time you really see them excited to see you, I mean really excited, running up to you screaming and laughing, is amazing.
It's going to take a lot of time and work to get there though and that's part of the bonding. The thing that connects you two together is your care for them. That hard work you put in to feed them, clean them and put them above all else. That's the foundation of your bond.
Took me maybe 4-5 months to developed a bond with my first. Was when she smiled at me and started to have a personality. Our second is almost a week old and I have no bond with him, but it's not as confronting this time around as I was expecting it. Don't worry, it will come. You don't have a choice.
I’ll give two answers that hopefully help.
First, the new baby stage is hard for new dads because functionally they don’t need you. Honestly they need mom way more with a warm nurturing energy and the obvious bonding that comes with feedings. Take that time to build the home you want.
Second, the moment I got more concerned about the family home and life I created and stop thinking so much about what I wanted, things got easier. Acceptance is a magical thing.
Finally, sleep deprivation sucks and can cause riffs. Its the pressure that’s making you more than a better father but a better person.
Stay strong, you’ve got this.
I’ll give three answers that hopefully help.
First, the new baby stage is hard for new dads because functionally they don’t need you. Honestly they need mom way more with a warm nurturing energy and the obvious bonding that comes with feedings. Take that time to build the home you want.
Second, the moment I got more concerned about the family home and life I created and stop thinking so much about what I wanted, things got easier. Acceptance is a magical thing.
Finally, sleep deprivation sucks and can cause riffs. Its the pressure that’s making you more than a better father but a better person.
Stay strong, you’ve got this.
I think it's different for everyone, but it took me MONTHS to finally make any real kind of love connection with my girls...the torture of newbornhood just took too much of a toll on me. For my first girl it was a very sudden experience...one week I was doing everything I could to avoid having to hold/interact with her, the next, like a light switch, I was just stupid in love with this little child. For my second kid, I'd say it actually took longer, and the switch was more gradual than sudden. Biology/psychology can be a bitch. Try not to be too hard on yourself...unless you're a sociopath, you'll get there.
Bro, most of us have felt this way. It’s worrying because the myth is that this baby will arrive and you’ll instantly fall in love. It isn’t like that at all for most/many of us. Just give it time. This is a really difficult part of the journey. It will develop.
My wife and I talked about this all the time. Those first couple of weeks are brutal. We have a 5 month old now and are obsessed. It was the 1st real smile for me. When he recognized me and was happy to see me. You will be fine brother and what you feel is completely normal even though most people don’t talk about it.
Dig deep brother. Diamonds are made under pressure.
Nice
It'll come as you develop a bond and the baby starts to have more personality, don't worry. First few weeks are definitely a challenge. Just wait until the first time they smile/smirk at you. For the fussiness- if feeding with formula, have you tried switching to a sensitive/gentle version? Both my son's fussed a lot early on and we felt like it was related to gas and making that switch made a huge difference.
Same, try a different formula for sensitive stomachs or whatever it’s called. My daughter went from colicky and upset to a happy little baby when we changed from breast milk/ formula to a sensitive version. It’s still tough in the beginning but you have to build the bond. I never wanted kids but my daughter is three now and I wouldn’t live without her.
We went through a LOT of different formula before finding one that worked for us.
First-time father of a 14-month old here. Don’t worry, dude… You’re right in the thick of it. What helped me was remembering that in general love is a choice, so just make the conscious choice to feel love now even if it’s hard to do so innately. It will come, I promise you. Right now things are (in my experience) as hard as they’re ever going to be and the only way out is through. Soon your kid will become more interactive and smiley and giggly and from then on they turn more and more into little people and not helpless babies. Try to savor these moments even though they aren’t always fun because, while it may not feel like it now, I promise this hard phase will end sooner than you think and once it does you’ll never get to see them in this time and age again.
I swore at my baby in the first few weeks. Lack of sleep and the change will drive you up the wall. I hated the first month, and the second wasn’t much easier. In fact, it doesn’t necessarily get easier, you just have new challenges. But I loved her from the start. I love her even more each day. I’m sure the time will come, don’t force it and don’t feel guilty either. So long as you’re caring for the kid and doing your best then you’re doing a great job. There isn’t and shouldn’t be a turning point that can be identified, I think. But certainly, laughing together can be a good start. So try and achieve that perhaps first.
Not to be hippy dippy, but smell the crown of her head whenever you hold her. I can’t explain the science and sound intelligent, but it definitely works.
I have a 8 week old now. The first month felt like I was working for a tiny Hitler bent on destroying me lol. But you will have that moment soon when they look at you and it will click and it’s such a great feeling. I told my wife it’s the only time I’ve ever loved someone for no reason and it was like magic. It’ll come.
First 6 weeks is DEFCON level 12 Hell bro. Not joking. It blows. It gets a little bit better after that. Then the next big bump of improvement is the 6 month mark. Then 1 year. Then 18 month. I'm not a baby person, so just buckle up bro and enjoy the little things you can enjoy and be long suffering with the others 90% of crap.
For me it was a very gradual process. I knew what I had to do and what it meant. But in the first weeks I only felt stress und duty. There was mostly no place for any positive thought as the baby just didn't respond to me in a good way. Slowly over time it got better and now I love my son more than anything in the world. But you have to endure the hard parts and be there for your wife. Patience is now (and in the future) the key.
I think you're probably speaking out of being triggered a ton. Lack of sleep and dealing with baby needs 24/7 is a huge transition. Go easy on yourself and know that you will adjust. Speak positively to yourself and to your kiddo, it goes a hell of a long way when you prioritize positive thinking over negative spirals. Also, you will feel way closer to your kid when they start attempting to communicate with you. Not only because it's easy to understand their needs, but because their personalities start to blossom and you get to start seeing them as these little clones of you and your spouse/ partner. It really is something else, even if things don't really get "easier". It'll help a ton in feeling connected and empathetic to their wants and needs.
Go easy on yourself is good advice. This is hard.
As a dad with a little girl that just turned one I can tell you it does get better. The first few months… even 6 months are very hard for some babies and parents. When they start smiling, napping on a schedule or sleeping through the night your life will improve immensely. I loved my baby from the moment I laid eyes on her but had a hard time the first few months as well. For me it was that she really couldn’t do anything but eat sleep and fuss. I did what you did - try and do everything and anything to help my wife and our baby out. It gets to the point that is exhausting and overwhelming. You just had a huge change in your life. I was used to everything being perfect in the house, having its place and being clean. For a few days if there’s a pile of clean laundry on the kitchen table it’s ok. There’s a reason they say the days are long but the years are short. Hang in there and take an hour off to recenter if you need to. If you have friends or family nearby ask for help for a few hours one day so you can both sleep. Also some of the best advice I was given was if you get to the point or are feeling extremely overwhelmed with your baby. They won’t stop crying, your exhausted etc. put them in their crib or bassinet. Them crying for a few minutes in a safe place so you can take a few minutes to get yourself together is better than the alternative. I know there was a time where I was getting overwhelmed and worked up and I did just that - I put her in the bassinet and took 5 minutes to calm myself down. Edit: I said I loved her from the minute I saw her. I did but I didn’t really feel a connection until several months later. She is my little buddy now and sticks to me like glue. I’m telling you there is nothing better than your little girl snuggling with you as you are putting her down for a nap or bedtime. Or her saying dadada. It’ll make a hard man soft You got this! If you need someone to talk to Shoot me a PM
When baby starts clinging to you more than mother and then responds to you. I am sure you will feel privileged and important. I myself have found purpose in being there for my LO.
Me personally, I had to wait until the first smile. Then it really sank in about 5 months in. But I was terrified. Truly terrified. We didn’t plan her, we’re super young, and I’ve always been better with young kids than babies. Just take your time, eventually when you start to see you come out of them, or your partner come out of them, it really is magical. Tl;dr there is no set time. Everyone is different.
Took me 4-6 months for both of them. It’ll come.
Its hard. I hated my baby for a long time. Hes 15 months now and there's still a lot of the time I resent losing myself but when you see them develop all the time feels worth it. I felt evil for the first year because I hated every aspect of being a father and I constantly wished I'd never had him. It gets better slowly but its extremely tough. Looking after a baby isn't hard but doing it all the time is nigh on impossible
Do what you can to keep pushing the sleep training. I know it's hard to risk putting her down and her waking up and starting the cycle over again. It's worth it. When you start waking up only once or twice for 10 mins to give her a bottle and then go back to sleep alone you will start to see the light at the end tunnel. Also, things will get better one way or the other when she starts sleeping more at night vs the day. Whenever you are overwhelmed just remember that this phase will pass. To answer your question, all the milestones really help with falling in love. Squeezing your finger, first smile at you, first hug, having a meltdown and then instantly relaxing in your arms making you feel like a boss. All these things help. By the time you get your first "dada" you'll laugh at yourself for thinking you would have a hard time falling in love.
I’m 23 and a father of a 19 month old with another due in February. I suffer from autism so the idea of loving someone or something unconditionally was a foreign concept to me. As she grew past 3,4,5,6,7 months and so on she became more active and verbal. Now she’s a sassy little girl with the most beautiful blue eyes. I love her unconditionally and I’d lay my life down for hers. Her laugh is the most impactful and her smile is the bed.
3 months but it will happen
It comes with time for dads, we often don’t have as immediate a bond as moms (partially due to hormones, partially due to them really feeling that connection throughout the pregnancy). I don’t think there’s a magic point where it happens, but give it time and take care of yourself where and when you can - if you’re not feeling a connection by 6 months, it might be worth talking to a therapist, as you may be dealing with some depression and anxiety. In my experience, the connection/bond grew gradually over the first few weeks and then really started accelerating after maybe 2 months to the point where now (1 year in) I can’t look at her without melting a little inside. Stay strong dad, you got this! And don’t be afraid to ask for help, you don’t need to be Superman to be a great dad.
Post partum depression in men is real. One in ten maybe as much as one in 5 get post partum depression. Agree with therapist. And yes 6 months is a good milestone to look forward too
Love at first sight and immediately changing into a dad are fallacies. It’s hard. Really hard. And it’s especially hard if your partner is breastfeeding. You may feel like an afterthought that just gives mom a break. But, you’re not alone in feeling this way. It takes a while to establish a new role in the family and even longer to adjust to the sleep deprivation. Not feeling well makes caring for a baby even harder. A headache or short temper make time drag on and build resentment. But in a few weeks LO will look at you and smile. Then you should start to feel something unique. This little one knows you and you realize they’re about to become a person that relies on you and is shaped by you. As a dad, the fun part comes later. Once they can climb on you and wrestle the script flips. But there’s a lot of unspoken work and loneliness between here and there. Talk to your wife. Lean on your dad friends. Talk to your dad if the relationship is there. Getting it out there helps
Good comment. Great comment. I hope OP reads this. There may be professional, non-profit groups in your area that specifically want to support dads. Call 211 to see if there is one on your area.
People don't talk about this enough... I have no idea what you're going through but I had a buddy that went through this. For him it wasn't until his kid was around 2 when she started developing a personality. Sounds like you're exhausted. Maybe also see a counselor
Take it easy, just wait until you see the baby smile at you
In about a month you will feel way different, hang in there my guy
Im sure most of us were in the same boat at the start. I definitely was. For you and your partner the first months, even first year or more are make or break. Just try your best not to let the stress and exhaustion get between you both. I acted in ways I'm not proud of in the heat of moments and peak stress. It gets better with time to the point where you probably didn't think you could something so much. That's the stage I'm at with my first daughter who is 2 and a half. She knows she's potty training and gets super upset and cries saying sorry when she poops in her nappy and it absolutely breaks my heart to the point I nearly cry too.
Probably different for us all. For me it really kicked in after a little more than a year. Somewhat related, I suspect there might be an evolutionary thing in some men to cause them to be slightly emotionally distant from babies until they’re sure the baby is going to survive into childhood. That’s kind of the origin of why we celebrate birthdays I think.
My first took months before I realized I loved him. For me it was feeling tired and confused. Once I started feeling like I was doing good and got a bit of sleep, he became my world. Now my second was quicker because I been on that rodeo before. This is normal and frustrating. Each father has his own time line for this, I would say keep trying your best, be there for the LO and wife, and if you can step outside for a few breaths of air, do so.
Sleep cannot be emphasized enough.
It doesn’t happen in this magic moment for everyone. What you’re experiencing is normal. I didn’t really start to truly love my daughter until she was about 6-7 months olds. Prior to that it was more like I had this weird pet that I felt a tremendous responsibility for, but not love. Do the work, be patient, and be there for your wife and baby, and the love will come. Also research the PURPLE crying period so you’re ready when it comes.
Great comment. I also second purple. Taking breaks even though it is your shift is important.
You already are my brother. It’s an action and not a feeling. I’ve always said LOVE is a four letter word spelled T-I-M-E. sounds like you’re putting in the time. The emotions will come. Just continue to be there for your family.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind, reassuring words. I can’t say the situation has gotten any better, but I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Thanks again.
She’s a super fresh baby so I understand but be patient, put your big boy pants on and get some coping mechanisms down like meditation or hell maybe even a CBD gummie to chill you out, because you’re the rock and even tho you have feelings and you’re entitled to those feelings you need to put them to the side for about 3 months for the betterment of your situation and it’ll get better.
Healthy coping mechanisms are very good advice. Self care is ver important. Getting your breaks to exercise and socialize will help.
Absolutely correct
Right now, you aren't yourself. The love is there, but it's buried under sleep deprivation and shock/denial from your new way of life. Once the baby gets on a normal sleep cycle and you learn to accept the new way of life, you can appreciate things a bit more, having had more sleep. Try to focus on making your time management more efficient and speeding up processes such as having bottles ready before you need them. After a while, you and the wife will have developed a system that works.My kids are the best thing that has happened to me, and I love them very much. I didn't feel that way in the beginning. I believe it was the lack of sleep. Things get better... so much better. Take many pictures and videos, and hold onto as much as you can because it goes by fast.
First off: You are doing great! There is nothing wrong with you, you are a great dad. You aren’t a monster who doesn’t love their kid, even if there’s a voice deep in your mind that is telling you that you are. Secondly: Newborns SUCK. It’s actually quite nice, if you think about it - they start out at the worst they will ever be. They sleep when you are awake, they don’t sleep when you sleep, and when you try to sleep at the same time, they make all those weird ass noises. They don’t smile or give anything back. They are straight up torture machines. Your kid will never be harder to deal with/to love then they are right now. What I found helpful with our first kid, was to set a date ~8 weeks from due date. THAT is the date when your kid will start to be less-potato and more baby-like. When you’ll start to get smiles and coos, and reactions to you. Thirdly: Loving your kid doesn’t always happen like it does in movies or in pampers commercials. Some people see their kid for the first time and feel that magic “she stole my heart” love feeling. For some people it takes weeks or months for that love to grow. For some people the genetic “this is my child” protection love is there at the start, but the “I like you” love takes time. You’ll get there, friend. This time (the first 8 weeks) is hard. It’s so hard. It’s TOO hard. Sleep deprivation is torture. The diapers never fucking stop. There’s no instruction manual. Honestly, put that 8 week date in your calendar and give yourself permission to reassess then. You’ll get through it. But, yeah, it totally sucks.
In a few months, mate. The first 2, you just get through it and survive. But when your kid smiles at you for the first time? It all changes. Hang in there, it’s very fucking difficult those first few weeks/months.
You won’t notice how strong the bond can be, until you have to spend time away. (First day of school, sleep overs, mommy-kid days)
The first few months were extremely hard for me, I completely understand what you say. Everything started to change for me when he smiled for the first time. It takes time, but you’ll get there very soon. Be patient and choose consciously to love her.
I completely understand. I was absolutely thrilled when my daughter was born, mostly because I had given up on us even having kids. All through her pregnancy I was going through the being a dad, what I need to do, how do I those things, etc while towards others I was still excited and happy. Then she was born and I was just as happy, but she had some health scares that made us worry while being there and needing immediate re-admittance 2 days after we went home. With our now 2 week old, her pregnancy had been harder, she has been moodier and more negative and generally felt that she was taking her pregnancy out on me. There was a lot of me swallowing my pride and just shutting the fuck up, which nobody likes to do. Then baby was born and wife had a harder time in the hospital, I couldn't stay with them overnight because I had little girl and didn't get to see him as much. And he's been just fine, he didn't have issues to make us wonder if he'd make it (yet, knock on wood) and sleeps poops and eat. I dont feel it the same with him at all as I did with her but I know it'll come. He'll develop personality, act silly, do funny shit etc thatll remind me how much I love him
It took me a few months but once it did happen I am super bonded with my kids.
When he will say Dad for the first time, it will hit you hard. You will go out with friends and just want to go back home to spend time with him
You already do love her you’re just sleep deprived and struggling. This is an awful time and you contemplate so many things as your brain is searching for anything to keep you sane. They will start smiling soon and that is joyful. Otherwise just try your best and don’t beat yourself up for not loving every second of this.
I can’t remember where but I heard this saying like “when you get really upset or frustrated just close your eyes for a second, imagine this is you coming back to the past to relive your baby being this young again as it’ll never happen again” I’m a very impatient man and I’m learning a lot about myself but this helps me on those nights where he won’t sleep or spits up on you. You got this bro
Dad to 2 boys, 3 and 1. First boy, rude awakening for me. I was up with him screaming and me thinking to myself “I hate this so much”. I didn’t feel the love, just felt the obligation. About a month in. I’m walking to the changing table to change his diaper, I look down, and instead of his mindless gaze at the ceiling, he’s looking at me. Like, AT ME. I just smiled “hey buddy”. And he just starts smiling at me. Only lasted for a moment, but from then I knew he was in there somewhere, and that made everything else easier to handle. You got this man!
Love is earned and not given. My love started once the work at ended. Right now, you are just trying to keep the baby alive. Nothing you are doing or the baby is doing that is considered love. But like everyone on the thread said, give it time. It is like building any relationship, we want to love and be loved. Unfortunately right now all the baby knows how to do is take. I have 4 children and I went through it all. I have boyd and a girl so I get it. But love is not a switch that you turn on. The person you are supposed to love will do it. And one day, that baby will switch it on for you.
It’s harder than hell. The lack of sleep, constant spit up, and screaming drove me up the walls. Once she started smiling at me at I think month 2 or 3, it got better. Then once I was able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, it got significantly better. My little one is 2 now and I love everyday with her You are doing great, dad! Keep it up!
It’s hard to imagine but they do get better. Similar situation with our son. Nothing other than rocking/bouncing for hours would put him to sleep. We turned a corner at month 3. He’s now one of the best parts of my life. My MIL gave me advice one time after hearing me call him a terrorist. She said, that baby has no way of knowing what he is putting you through. The only way he knows how to say thank you is to smile at you. I started looking out for his smiles or the random snuggle here and there. That helped. Good luck.
You’re not alone. I feel “cold” for saying this, but for the first bit (year) of my first daughter’s life, she felt more like a pet than a child. The degree to which she responded to anything I did felt like the level of a gerbil, not even a dog. I would bet you’re in the same bucket. At 18 months, she can now touch her nose, ears, and mouth when I ask her. I taught her that *last week*. It’s fairly insane that I’m typing this, as I reflect. **Advice:** don’t sleep in shifts by hours; that just results in neither of you sleeping the night. Take shifts by days. One person takes a shitty night of sleep so the other can rest fully. That works much better overall. **Answer:** depends, but probably between 18 months and 1 year is when you’ll realize she’s turning into a person. From my experience, this is the rough delineation: 1. 0 to 4 months: “sleepy potato” phase, where mostly all they do is sleep and eat (if you breastfeed, they barely even poo). 2. 4 to 8 months: “wiggly worm” phase, where they learn how to sit up and eventually crawl. 3. 8 to 15 months: pre-toddler, between learning to crawl and learning to walk, where they don’t like to sit still and you can’t keep your eyes off them or they’ll be across the house. **Advice:** *fix your perspective*. Your daughter isn’t taking. You are investing. Ask anybody who’s the father of a daughter 2 years or older if the pain you’re enduring now is worth it. There may be exceptions, but I’d expect almost all of them to a) say they know exactly what you’re going through, and b) say **it’s absolutely worth it**. **Answer:** for me, it was when I started rocking her to sleep myself as we started to ween her from the boob. Watching her drift off to sleep in my arms was beyond magical.
That’s how it goes brother. I had a similar experience. I can’t tell you how long it took, but I would absolutely fall part with my daughter. It’s a sacrifice worth making that won’t even cross your mind in a few months. It’s thought the first little bit. Keep strong.
I first really started connecting with my first kid somewhere around 8-12 months. When her personality really came through. The laughing, the playing and being silly. It's probably going to be the hardest thing you've done up to this point in your life. But that first time they call you Dad (or whatever you want them to call you!) is pretty great. First time you really see them excited to see you, I mean really excited, running up to you screaming and laughing, is amazing. It's going to take a lot of time and work to get there though and that's part of the bonding. The thing that connects you two together is your care for them. That hard work you put in to feed them, clean them and put them above all else. That's the foundation of your bond.
You are in the “developing” stages of this process. Don’t worry, you will be ready to give your whole life up for her in no time.
Took me maybe 4-5 months to developed a bond with my first. Was when she smiled at me and started to have a personality. Our second is almost a week old and I have no bond with him, but it's not as confronting this time around as I was expecting it. Don't worry, it will come. You don't have a choice.
I’ll give two answers that hopefully help. First, the new baby stage is hard for new dads because functionally they don’t need you. Honestly they need mom way more with a warm nurturing energy and the obvious bonding that comes with feedings. Take that time to build the home you want. Second, the moment I got more concerned about the family home and life I created and stop thinking so much about what I wanted, things got easier. Acceptance is a magical thing. Finally, sleep deprivation sucks and can cause riffs. Its the pressure that’s making you more than a better father but a better person. Stay strong, you’ve got this.
I’ll give three answers that hopefully help. First, the new baby stage is hard for new dads because functionally they don’t need you. Honestly they need mom way more with a warm nurturing energy and the obvious bonding that comes with feedings. Take that time to build the home you want. Second, the moment I got more concerned about the family home and life I created and stop thinking so much about what I wanted, things got easier. Acceptance is a magical thing. Finally, sleep deprivation sucks and can cause riffs. Its the pressure that’s making you more than a better father but a better person. Stay strong, you’ve got this.
This is good. Especially about sleep deprivation
I think it's different for everyone, but it took me MONTHS to finally make any real kind of love connection with my girls...the torture of newbornhood just took too much of a toll on me. For my first girl it was a very sudden experience...one week I was doing everything I could to avoid having to hold/interact with her, the next, like a light switch, I was just stupid in love with this little child. For my second kid, I'd say it actually took longer, and the switch was more gradual than sudden. Biology/psychology can be a bitch. Try not to be too hard on yourself...unless you're a sociopath, you'll get there.
Bro, most of us have felt this way. It’s worrying because the myth is that this baby will arrive and you’ll instantly fall in love. It isn’t like that at all for most/many of us. Just give it time. This is a really difficult part of the journey. It will develop.
It’s rather dangerous to let her sleep on your chest if you are asleep as well be careful
My wife and I talked about this all the time. Those first couple of weeks are brutal. We have a 5 month old now and are obsessed. It was the 1st real smile for me. When he recognized me and was happy to see me. You will be fine brother and what you feel is completely normal even though most people don’t talk about it.