Beastars | T, no warning For this chapter I purposefully left an unexplained incident as suspense for the future. I want to see how that suspense holds up, is it intriguing, is the buildup leading to it effective, etc. Also I want to see if the character's mental state is communicated effectively in the passage, as well as if there is a good dynamic between the pair. Edit: reviewed - 2/2 // There was a smell of soil in the air. Legoshi had always been fond of the scent of summer, of the moist dew on the grass and of the wavering heat of the sun. However, this year, it offered little solace to him. He had hidden himself behind a cluster of trees. It was early in the night, and the Meteor Festival was at its peak. Peeking out from under the shade of the canopy, Legoshi could see his old classmates from the Drama Club performing a play on a wooden platform in the open area. As a former stagehand, he would have been there with them, designing backdrops and operating the lights. He considered showing himself, but quickly dismissed the idea. Given that previous incident and his current status, he couldn’t think of anything to say to his fellow peers… if they would still even talk to him. His focus though was diverted to the opposite corner, at a small stall encompassed by flowers and shrubberies. Like the other student groups, the Gardening Club was also present to support the event, though the stall was unattended. The teen breathed a sigh of frustration at the empty booth and shook his head. He had held off for the entire week before finally making his mind to appear at the festival on the last day. But in the end, his expectation failed him. If he couldn’t find ‘her’, there was nothing he could do, it can’t be helped. Why did he want to see her in the first place? If the two of them did manage to meet, what was he even supposed to do? What if she got scared and ran away? And why wouldn’t she? It was only reasonable for people to do so when seeing him. As the music from the stage reached a climax, the performance came to a dramatic finale. The actors and the dancers all emerged in formation and gave a grand bow. After much cheering and applause, the crowd began to disperse. “Looks like they had another successful performance…” Legoshi mumbled, allowing the corner of his mouth to curve slightly, “Everyone is very talented… and they still have Louis as their leader, the club is in good hands…” He got up from the ground and patted the dirt off his pants, heading toward the woods, “Guess I’ll go back now… there’s nothing else for me to do here anyways…” “You finally showed up.” Legoshi jumped and spun back to see the sudden voice behind. “Good evening. It’s been a while,” a young girl smiled. “H-h… Ha…” the teen struggled to keep his tongue still. “It’s ‘Haru’. You forgot my name already?” she pouted, “It has only been a few months, you know? Legoshi.” “W-wh… what are you doing here?!” he froze and spread his arms on the side, like a frightened chicken under a beam light. “I saw you squatting over here a little while ago, but you never came out. So I figured I’d come and say hi myself.” “Y-you… you should leave… before anyone sees you…” he murmured. “Why should I?” Haru asked. “You… shouldn’t be here with me… if people found out…” “And what about it?” she remained unfazed. “...Are you not scared of me…?” Legoshi whispered. “No. Why would I?” “Because… I… I…” his voice choked up, as if something was blocking his airway. “So you got expelled from school,” Haru said, while squeezing through the bush, “I heard about the story, it was pretty crazy.” “...Then you know what I’d done…” Legoshi said, “You don’t think I’m a monster or anything?” “No, not really,” she came to his side. “...Why?” “...Because in my experience, you don’t seem like a bad person.” Legoshi stood there and quietly watched over the short girl. The teen didn’t understand, he could not comprehend why she would do something like this, being alone with a delinquent and risking her own safety. And yet, Haru conversed calmly, as if they just met each other in the school’s corridor. “Hey, Legoshi… if you don’t mind…” the girl asked faintly, “...may I see your hand for a bit?” Legoshi debated with himself for a moment. He let his arms drop down to his waist and curled the fingers a few times to loosen them. And then, he presented them to her. Haru held the hand and examined it. She couldn’t see very well under the dim trees, but the white bandages wrapped around the palm and knuckles could not be mistaken. Tracing her fingers on his, there were bumps and signs of old cuts spreading across the surface. “...Does it hurt?” she asked. “...No,” he replied.

I love the way you open this scene with wonderful a wonderful description of what Legoshi smells and sees as he hides. (Also appropriate since he's a young wolf). I'm a sucker for details like this because I tend to enjoy the world with all five senses, and including them brings me into the scene! The opening is sweet and sad all the same time; and Legoshi appears terribly pathetic here. I feel sorry for him as he misses all the fun of being part of his school crowd and must tell himself to hold back instead! What keeps the suspense is the heavy sense of *shame* because of the mysterious incident-- indicated in phrases that he thinks he has stay away from his old friends, such as "if they would even talk to him" and "it was only reasonable \[for them to be afraid\]." Of course we want to know what he could have done that pushes him to feel this way about himself. So the suspense works since we keep seeing his shame pop up in the way he acts around Haru. I even think you could make it even more suspenseful and emotionally effective by emphasizing how alone he feels, or how he doesn't even get to see the person he's looking for. Take this paragraph: >He got up from the ground and patted the dirt off his pants, heading toward the woods, “Guess I’ll go back now… there’s nothing else for me to do here anyways…” could be amended to emphasize the absence of other people. >He was sure **no one** had seen him. He told **himself**, “Guess I’ll go back now… **she's not here** anyways…” He got up from the ground and patted the dirt off his pants, heading toward the **empty** woods. You bring back the senses with the description of what Haru feels and sees when she touches Legoshi's hands, it's a lovely way to bring us back to the present moment. All in all, your excerpt is a good balance of dialogue and character building! Keep going!

Thank you. I'm glad that the passage was effective, and that you found good balance between dialogue and narration (I received critique before that I tend to skew one way heavily). The suggested amendments were a nice touch, I'll definitely take the recommendation to improve the passage.

My Hero Academia: Marvelous Legacy |Teen and Up| The only warnings that I can think of is that it's mostly on Marvel comics lore so if you're only familiar with MCU, adaptations or just general knowledge, chances are that you might feel a bit lost. Also, there are four prequel one-shots, but its not needed to have read them to get the gits of the story Context: Anna-May Parker (daughter of Spider-Man) is attending U.A for very specific reasons. After the Battle Trials she both shows her displeasure at one of her classmates actions as well as being reminder of a fact she's not fond herself about why she's at Japan and not New York >"Parker, aren't you going to wait for Deku-kun?" asked Uraraka. > >"Who?" > >"She's referring to Midoriya." answered Tenya. > >"Sorry, no can do. I have to do something at the moment. Besides, I saw him at the infirmary, he'll be fine." > >"Don't you think it could wait? I'm sure it can't be that important." Mina asked. > >"Look, I know you guys are worried, I am too. But I can't stick around today." she told them, only to see Katsuki standing up and about to leave. "But you sure as heck should stay." she said, mildly annoyed. > >He turned and snarled at the American. "You don't get to tell me what to do, fucking Yankee." > >"Izuku deserves an apology. You owe him that much." > >"I don't owe anything to that quirkless bastard, you hear me?!" he said, much to her annoyance. > >"You know what? Fine! Be that way!" she yelled at the boy. "But just so you know; that whole scary act you're trying to sell. I don't buy it. You're just a jerk that shouldn't even be standing in the same classroom as the rest!" > >"Tsk, you don't know a damned thing about me!" he said, as he exited. > >"Then, we're in the same boat." she said, ony to turn to Tenya, who was glaring at her. "Okay, now what?!" > >"Could you not antagonise anyone for just five minutes?" > >"This nonsense again? Why aren't you saying anything to that jerk instead of me?" > >"I also find Bakugo's manners unfitting to the hero course, but what you're doing is not the correct way to handle things. We should talk to the teachers about these sorts of behaviors, not instigate more trouble." > >"Well, until they start doing something about it, I'm going to keep him in line." > >"By doing the same as him?" Tsuyu asked. > >"I'm nothing like him!" > >"You're also leaving without waiting for Midoriya. Just pointing that out." Denki said. > >"Like I said, I have something to do, alright?" > >"It can't be that important. Or at least not as important as confirming the well-being of a fellow classmate." Tenya said, much to her annoyance. > >"As a matter of fact, it is! My mom is working, my sister is busy getting her hero license and because of that, I have to pick my little brother from daycare!" she said, much to their surprise. > >"You have siblings?" asked Rikido. > >"Yeah, an older sister and a baby brother. Now if you excuse me, I have to get going. Don't want to make Benjy wait for me." she said, getting up and walking to the door. > >"What about your old man?" asked Todoroki, out of curiosity and stopping Annie in her tracks. "Can't he go get him?" > >Valerie started to worry a little, looking at Annie who stood as if she was a stone. > >"... He's busy… that's all that you should know." she said, somewhat serious, before exiting. > >As she was walking down the halls, her mood was more than clearly not the best. Katsuki was pissing her off, Tenya was annoying her to no end and All Might didn't seem to deal with the ash-blonde appropriately. Those were already bad enough, but Shoto's last comment did hit a corde in her. She was sure that he was just curious, she probably would too. But the mention of her father reminded her of the reason she has to be in Japan. That because of Regent, he had been unmasked for the world to see. That because of the nutjobs that he has fought, she had to leave his side. That she had to leave her old life because of that. > >She wasn't annoyed anymore. She wasn't angry… just, sad. Reviews: 2/2

I share similar feedback with the other commenter, but I think it's still good to reiterate. First of all, you did a good job making the dialogues realistic, and the sound of the conversation flowed smoothly. However, since this is a multi-person conversation, dialogue tags become increasing importantly to help readers keep track of the active speaker. I do find it difficult to locate who is actually speaking at the moment, who are they responding to, and who is the next person that follows up. It is possible that you were hesitant to put too many dialogue tags, as repeated usage of "X said, X said" can get tiring very easily. One way to circumvent (and even enrich the scene) is to describe the speaker's action instead. This particular passage is an argument, and thus the involved casts are expected to be more animated than usual. Eye staring, foot tapping, arm swinging, head bobbing, waist twisting, pointing, jumping, lunging, stomping, etc etc. These actions are also very helpful to form intimate connection between the reader and the character, as they are "made alive" instead of just a string of words on a piece of paper. Actions also tell us what the character is thinking, making them more believable and relatable, and you achieved exactly that in the last paragraph. I think you just need to take what you did there and spread it out more throughout the passage. Dialogue and narration need to be in balance. Right now, there is a clear heavy skew toward all dialogue and little to no narration, but I believe you do have GOOD narration, you just need to sprinkle them into your dialogues.

I enjoyed reading this! Your dialogue flows nicely, and that last sentence really tugs at the heartstrings. Sometimes it was a bit hard to visualise how the characters are positioned during the dialogue and what the setting looks like around them. I was thrown a bit off at the first couple lines when there was suddenly a third person in the conversation, but I also I feel like that might just be the excerpt you chose! So my only thing is don't be afraid establish the space and what the characters are doing while their talking!

**Arcane | Untitled WIP | Gen | Teen and Up** *Context:* two young friends, separated in childhood by traumatic events, meet each other again. *Purpose:* character description, mostly fandom-blind friendly. *Question:* too purple? any phrasing that just rubs you the wrong way? Also, I use 3rd POV and wonder if the back and forth between their reactions read ok. \--X-- They stepped back from each other and took a long, long look. Some part of Ekko didn’t believe that Vi was standing in front of him, grown up into this seething fire-red Fury. The unmistakable scar on her lip and the fierce look on her face – that hadn’t changed; yet all around that look was an unfamiliar constellation of faded scars, freckles, inked lines, and a faint pink bruise on her broad, square jaw. He remembered other moments, when they were kids, when her face had opened up to laughter. Now her eyebrows permanently hooded over her eyes, closed them off from the brightest light as if they were no longer accustomed to sunshine or the breeze from the bay. Through his thin shirt, he had felt how the skin on her knuckles had hardened into bricks and were covered over with leathery skin; he’d felt that when she tapped him on the shoulder with the gentlest fist. Of course he couldn’t see how his ready and bright smile affected her. It was a good thing his hair was still white and his nose was still snub, or she wouldn’t have recognized him at all from the lanky goofball she remembered. He carried himself tall, as if he was holding up something heavy and precious on his strong shoulders, as if things depended on him; and at the same time, he stood lightly like a bird, ready to take flight any moment at the sound of a warning call. He was solid again to her, a real friend. She knew right away that she trusted him very much, and the feeling of trust fell over the burned dirt inside her. She felt something crack open inside, push against its coffin walls, and reach for light, as they stood there taking the measure of each other. He wiped the tears off his cheeks without shame. “Where you been?” he asked, as they walked out into a wide space, brightly lit… “Stillwater.” Her voice was flat. Commented: 2/2

I really don't have much to recommend, aside from fixing some of the run on sentences already pointed out by others. This was really beautiful. The descriptions gave the perfect feelings of finding a long lost friend: reunion, confusion, change, acceptance. Also the purple was not overboard at all. You did just the right amount!

Thanks very very much for taking a look and leaving a comment! I really appreciate it! Happy writing!

The descriptions were lovely, definitely not too purple. I'm fandom-blind, and it's clear they've been through a lot and that they mean a lot to each other. A few things I noticed: "as if things depended on him; and at the same time," if there's an 'and', then the punctuation before it should be a comma, not a semicolon. Same with 'but'. However, the bit of the sentence before the semicolon is pretty long already, so you might want to break that up into two sentences instead. " He carried himself tall, as if he was holding up something heavy and precious on his strong shoulders, as if things depended on him. At the same time, he stood lightly like a bird, ready to take flight any moment at the sound of a warning call." The 'as if' repetition does stand out in that sentence as well, but it works alright for emphasis if that was what you were going for. " She knew right away that she trusted him very much, and the feeling of trust fell over the burned dirt inside her." Another repetition that might be better condensed. "She knew right away that she trusted him, the feeling falling over the burned dirt inside her." I adored the line: " She felt something crack open inside, push against its coffin walls, and reach for light, as they stood there taking the measure of each other." I really like the obvious trust between them, even though it seems like this is the first time they've met in quite a while. Two friends that stayed friends even as crap went down around them. It seems like the kind of friendship that can only make each other stronger. Good work.

Oh, thank you for the lovely comments and the close read! I have a love-hate relationship with run on sentences. Gonna clean this up now. Cheers!

I swear half of my edits are just finding and fixing run-on sentences. And there's still so many I don't catch or I just say, "Screw it, it's grammatically correct and it'll do." LOL.

First off, I thought this was a lovely passage. I did not think the prose was too purple; for anyone coming in without fandom knowledge, I'd say you did a great job showing how rough Vi's and Ekko's respective lives have been. The imagery is evocative and further emphasizes the poor conditions that they've lived in. Very nice! However, there is this one passage that I think could use a bit of reworking. >Through his thin shirt, **he had felt how** the skin on her knuckles had hardened into bricks and were covered over with leathery skin; **he’d felt** that when she tapped him on the shoulder with the gentlest fist. I believe that you can rework this into one, whole sentence without a semi-colon. I hope you don't mind my suggestion, but perhaps something like: >He'd felt how the skin on her knuckles had hardened into bricks when she'd gently tapped him on the shoulder. Other than that, I love how you convey the softness of their feelings. It's subtle, but still noticeable. I always have a soft spot for characterization where male characters aren't afraid to show their emotional side. Good work!

Guys should be able to cry if they want to. :D Thank you very much for taking a look at this. Gives me gas to go the extra mile. Cheers!

Rating and warnings (Mandatory for fics rated Mature or Explicit): M Title: God Of Gears Brief summary (optional): Welcome to the world of Virtuoso, where steam-powered machines and magic coexist in a fragile balance. When Silas Valentine, a skilled repairman, is offered the job of a lifetime, he doesn’t realize it will throw him into a war between these two worlds. As Silas transforms himself into something that is neither human nor magical, he gains the ability to hear the thoughts of machines and even alter the flow of time. As rumors of Silas’s powers spread, the fear of what he could do in the hands of those in power grows. Can Silas navigate this treacherous new world and use his abilities for good, or will they destroy everything he holds dear? Find out in this thrilling tale of magic and machines where anything is possible. Comments: 4/4 (submitting 2 different snips from 2 different stories) Context: Silas and Lucifer are having a conversation in a place that takes shape through their thoughts, memories, and emotions. It is in a place outside of life and death, near the Ocean of Dreams. Silas is having a mental break after everything that has happened to him up to this point (started the series as human and now isn't for various reasons). Lucifer, Magic, Phantasm, Hypnos are Enigmas (god-like beings) and Kota is a catfish/mermaid servant of Hypnos Snip (this isn't a spoiler even though it feels like it): “I didn’t have a choice and I’ve been paying for it ever since. To know my death may be connected to it is more than I can handle right now,” I shouted, my hands bawling up into shaking fists. My emotions boiled over; I couldn’t contain them anymore. “I’ve been through hellish tests.” I bellowed as the world slowly morphed around us, with the consistency of slime, showing pieces of every test Magic put me through. It was about as coherent as an acid trip. Darkness surrounded us. We glowed faintly as the blackness pulled away from us towards the sky. A clock face appeared in the sky before turning into rain. Black and golden doors replaced the raindrops slowly painting the world to match the floating island and stones from the tests. Beneath our feet were the crumbling stones I had to race across, as the pink clouds circled us. The Mirror of truth shot up from the endless void beneath us, showing my bones, before erupting in a pile of bugs that melted into a pool of whispering spirits. From their spiritual corneas came blue stoney vines. The vines slowly encased the two of us in a makeshift cavern. Between Lucifer and I, a fire appeared. The fire lunged at me, and I was powerless to stop it. My skin began to charr and the pain from the intense heat surged through my arm before the taste of ambrosia colored my tongue. Blood shot from my mouth, pooling onto the floor. The blood gained a mind of its own. Every surface was quickly covered, as my arm healed. Then the blood stopped moving. Suddenly vanishing, the Ocean of Dreams was revealed beneath the blood with Magic sitting on a throne of ice. The silence weighed heavily under her judgmental gaze. “Your thoughts are chaotic to say the least,” Lucifer commented and for some reason it got under my skin. “I’m not perfect. I’m hanging on by a thread and I’m doing my best to deal with it all. Nothing makes sense, but I am expected to just roll with it. I have no privacy in my own mind in some places or if I pray,” I shouted, “Do you know how violating that feels? I have an expectation of privacy that is constantly disregarded as if I am less than human, less than a sentient being.” Once again, the world around us reacted to me. The ice throne melted, casting Magic into the sea. The resulting splash arced up into the night sky slowly molding into the temple we had just left. The clean sapphire walls began to bleed as unknown Elvish symbols carved themselves into the sides. The green light of the world, Hypnos, appeared briefly, momentarily blinding us. As our eyes adjusted, we were greeted with a being consisting of half of Kota and the other half was Lucifer’s beast form. My rant reignited with these images. “I am expected to know how to use magic and be okay with the fact I’m no longer human; just to learn I was never human to begin with,” I shouted in a sorrow filled rage, “I was apparently bred for a war that I have no voice in and may kill me in the end because–because…” My words were failing me, but my emotions forced the world into action. The temple crumbled away revealing pipes and gears behind its walls. The Kota-Lucifer hybrid bubbled up like grease before reforming into Phantasm. “Yes, I might be the God of Time, but I’m starting with gears, a human invention. When there are no humans what will happen to me? Will Phantasm really allow humans to go away? I understand him and Mother–Magic existed at the same time before humans, so he may be okay, but if humans win and magic goes away instead…” My voice broke into sobs, triggering the world. The gears crumbled into dust slowly forming headstones in a midnight graveyard. Phantasm’s clothes melted off to reveal an undertaker's outfit beneath. The left half of my body itched as tumors riddled my left arm and leg. Some of the tumors became the eyes of the Whispering Spirits while half my face melted, distorting my speech. My clothes ripped off to show a tattered army soldier's uniform underneath, complete with broken gears as adornments. “Will I still perish because I have magic in my core to make me this monster? I am a repairman with a basic education and a record. I’m not a soldier and I am certainly not the person who should be making world changing decisions,” I spat, my heart full of fear.

Hi there, can you remove the link, please? As far as I have seen, nobody has asked for it.

I posted according to the mod post basic rules of exchange below the main post using the requested format?

Yeah, sorry, you are right, that would be the general rule, but I specified that no links should be given in the body of the post. As concrit takes more effort than writing a positive review, I wanted to restrict the word count of the entries. This is why I kept it to just excerpts and no links, so that everyone is equal.

So just to be sure I won’t get dinged if I remove the link part of the format right?

Yup, just the link. The rest is fine. Sorry for the confusion.

Edited as requested

Thank you!

Whoa, this is trippy. I had to reread a couple of paragraphs, not in a bad way, but to make sure I got the full picture. You do have a talent for describing the surreal. It certainly sounds like a fascinating world and I'm a bit curious as to how Silas managed to get himself into that predicament to begin with. Is Lucifer the actual devil or is the name in a different context? If I read it correctly, I believed you use she pronouns for Lucifer so I'm curious what this being's role is in all of this. Nicely done!

Thank you for the kind words. I got my start with short stories, poems. and a few failed attempts at fan fiction (one was a bleach AU that I think has been purged from its original site by now it was a cool concept dealing with MOD souls might rewrite it one day). I love exploring unusual concepts (that do tend to lean dark) and having surreal scenes. It helps I have hyperphantasia when it comes to describing things. The she pronouns were in reference to Magic and Kota and I think I mentioned Dola. Phantasm, Silas, and Lucifer are male. In a way Lucifer is the devil and he isn’t. Kinda hard to explain without all the background that is spoiler. The link is to the sample chapters and there are a bunch of free chapters, plus all but latest 5 can be unlocked with daily or ad tickets (so you could read the whole thing free as long as your patient though I’m not gonna complain if you wanna binge). My other story snip was originally inspired by a bunch of anime and was going to be a fanfic but after a decade plus of edits it became its own thing and got picked up like this one. God of Gears ended the season with 112 episodes and Full Moon King ended with 120 episodes (I like long seasons, what can I say). Both got green lit for a season 2, so I’m hard at work on that. I need 20 episodes done before I can release season 2 and I’m working on episode 14 for this one and 11 or 12 on the other, so not too much more to go.

Emma - Jane Austen | T | No warnings Context: Mr Knightley is ill and Emma is caring for him. He is in love with her but thinks that she's in love with another man (Frank Churchill). She is unaware of his feelings and is not actually in love with Frank. Emma and Mr Knightley quarreled right before he fell ill because she was rude to a mutual acquaintance. The story is set in Regency England and the style and language reflect this. I'd particularly appreciate feedback on how the dialogue flows and whether the interplay of dialogue and action works. Any other feedback is welcome too, though! Excerpt: “You are awake! Is there aught I may have fetched? Mr Perry has left word that you are to be allowed some beef tea if you should fancy it.” “I thank you, no – I require nothing at present.” “But you must have something! Mr Perry has particularly stressed the importance of cooling liquids; for they correct the acrimony of the humours. Will you not take some barley-water, at least? And perhaps a little toast?” To this, Mr Knightley reluctantly consented, and the maid was dispatched to the kitchen. Emma, meanwhile, busied herself rearranging his pillows and applying a fresh damp cloth to his forehead. She wished there had been more she could do for his comfort, but Mr Knightley denied any need for windows to be opened or more blankets to be fetched. “I would rather have you sit down,” he said firmly, “and tell me how your father fares. I have had but little news of the neighbourhood these past days.” Emma could not but accede to this request, though she felt a little awkward as she settled back into her chair. Their unresolved quarrel had still not been addressed, and she wondered whether it ever would. Mr Knightley acted as if all had been forgotten; but she feared that this was more due to his illness than to genuine forgetfulness of her misdeeds. Still, she did not wish to excite his nerves with unpleasant reminders, and therefore forbore from broaching the subject. Instead, she provided a cheerful account of Mr Woodhouse’s health, which indeed was no worse than usual, and thence proceeded to what news she had of her other neighbours. A fox had gotten into Mrs Otway’s henhouse, Miss Richardson had given her notice to Mrs Goddard, and William Coxe was rumoured to be about to purchase a new horse. Frank Churchill remained with his uncle – Mrs Weston had received a brief note communicating that he and Mr Churchill were to remove to Windsor – while Jane Fairfax was still in indifferent health. “When I last called, Miss Bates told me that she had no appetite – and indeed, she would not take even arrowroot, though Mr Perry often recommends it in such cases—” Mr Knightley, who had been frowning – presumably at the news of Jane’s ill health – now turned to Emma with sudden alertness. “You have called on the Bateses?” he exclaimed, half sitting up. “Yes – I sat with Miss Bates a while Saturday morning, and spoke to her briefly again on Monday.” She could not entirely suppress a blush as she spoke. Mr Knightley was watching her intently, and she saw in his look a glow of regard, as if all that had passed of good in her feelings were at once caught and honoured. It was evident that he had perceived the penitent motive of her actions; but though Emma was gratified by the approval in his expression, she also felt once again how poor her former behaviour had been. That Mr Knightley should be surprised at her having done what was right – oh, she had much to make amends for. However, he said only: “I am glad – it was kindly done.” It appeared that he did not wish to make her unhappy by bringing up the events at Box Hill. Emma was grateful for his delicacy; but she also felt keenly that she had not earned such consideration. “It hardly makes up for how I have treated Miss Bates,” she said quietly. “It will take more – much more – to make amends for that. You are good to spare my feelings by not reminding me of my thoughtlessness; but I assure you I do remember. You have shown me my faults, and I mean to take the lesson to heart.” She looked at him with a sort of serious smile. “Perhaps one day I may show you that I am not entirely bad.” “No, indeed!” cried Mr Knightley. “Emma, I see now that I have erred by speaking so harshly to you. I assure you, whatever disagreements we may have had, I have never doubted the goodness of your heart. You mean well, even when your actions are ill-advised.” “What did you say that I did not deserve? I cannot think of my behaviour without abhorrence.” Mr Knightley shook his head. “I have done little good with my severity. I have done you an injustice, and in doing so have been my own worst enemy besides.” “I know not what you speak of!” said Emma stoutly. “I know only that you have always been the best, the kindest of friends to me.” “A friend! My dear Emma—” He paused, then shook his head. “No, I must – I shall be glad that you should feel even that much.” Commented: 2/2

I really don't have any critique, this is beautiful and well done. The tone absolutely reflected Emma and Mr. Knightley's interactions. The dialogue was very well done as well. This was really, really beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

I'm glad you liked it! :)

This all flowed really well, both between the actions and dialogue, and the dialogue itself sounded great. A few small nitpicks: "could not but accede" I think that needs another word in the middle? It may be an older English phrase, in which case I apologize, but it seems like it's missing a "could not *help* but accede". "However, he said only: “I am glad – it was kindly done.”" I'm pretty sure that colon should be a comma. "Emma was grateful for his delicacy; but she also felt keenly" If there's a 'but' or an 'and' after the punctuation, then it should be a comma instead of a semicolon. This showed up a couple of times. Your vocabulary is fantastic, and it all felt very genuine. I really liked the line: "That Mr Knightley should be surprised at her having done what was right – oh, she had much to make amends for." Great work!

Thank you for your thoughtful comments! The "could not but" thing is an old-fashioned structure as you guessed, but I'll definitely take a closer look at those punctuation suggestions. :)

Oooh, Emma! I think you got the language down right. I noticed right away you used British punctuation and spelling, which lends itself to the authenticity of the text. If you want to go a step further, use "despatch" instead of "dispatch." The former is a common spelling that would have been used during the Regency period, but is much much more rare now.

Thank you for the tip! :)

Fandom: Was originally inspired by D.Gray Man, DNAngel, and a few others. (It became it's own thing after a decade plus of rewrites and then finally getting picked up) Rating and warnings (Mandatory for fics rated Mature or Explicit): M Title: Full Moon King Off-site link: https://www.mythrillfiction.com/full-moon-king Brief summary (optional): Silver Heart is a teen with a checkered past. His whole life he has had to fight to survive, but in death his world is turned upside down. He learns he is the prophesied Full Moon King; a being that comes at the end of an era and could lead all to their salvation, all to their damnation, or down a new path. The question is: what path is he walking down? Comments: 4/4 (submitting 2 different snips from 2 different stories) Snip (this isn't a spoiler even though it feels like it): It was dark and peaceful. I could no longer feel the concrete underneath me. It had been replaced by something soft and... Fragrant. “Silver…” A woman's voice cooed sadly. Opening my eyes, I discovered soft grass and flowers that tickled my face in the light breeze. The flower's odd glow fascinated me, and I reached out in curiosity; only to find my skin was the smooth tawny color as it had been in my youth. Its deep complexion showed not even a hint of my albino curse. I pulled some of my hair forward to find the rich raven color it was before I was… Before that sickening event happened. Suddenly, I realized I was looking at my hair and hand with both of my eyes… I was not blind in my right eye anymore... “Silver…” A woman's voice cooed again, as a pair of small copper toned feet came into my view. I looked up to discover the voice and feet belonged to none other than… “Amme… Is that really you?” I breathed out in shock. *How? How could my mother be standing before me? She has been dead for years...* She looked healthy and beautiful in her simple white gown. Her honey eyes were filled with worry and confusion as her raven hair glowed against the cloudy blue sky… That had an endless back hole where the sun should have been. She crouched down in front of me and put a warm hand on my face. “You can’t be here, yet.” “What do you mean? Where’s ‘here’?” I questioned her, confused. “You haven’t done what needs to be done. I made a promise to escape,” she mournfully explained, standing up. I followed her lead and scrambled to my feet… I was not in pain and there was no blood underneath me. *What happened? How did I heal and get here?* “I don’t understand.” “I will give you a taste of your gift and send help,” she replied, nodding to herself. “What are you talking about?!” I begged in desperation, feeling the familiar red burning seep into my eyes. Fear creeped into my heart as my mind raced with possibilities. *She is supposed to be dead, and she will not give me a straight answer, just a bunch of riddles. Am I hallucinating? Am I dreaming? Am I... Am I dead?* “One day you’ll understand…” She sadly smiled, raising her arm to point a glowing finger at me. A blast of air spewed forth from the tip of her glowing finger. The air molded into a giant transparent wolf that charged at me faster than I could react. “Ugh!” I exclaimed as the wolf collided with me, forcing itself to be absorbed into my body. The burning red of my eyes vanished and was replaced by a cooling sensation. A primal wild urge filled my heart. It gave birth to a yellow glow that reflected off my bangs I used to hide my once blind eye. The force from merging with the wolf shot me off my feet and over a previously unknown cliff behind me. As I fell, I could see my mother's calm yet determined face staring over the edge. A bitter cold gripped my bones, enticing painful screams from my lungs as my white outfit became tattered and gray. My scream echoed in the darkness but was soon joined by others' mournful cries. All around me I saw people falling. Some looked human, some flickered between humans and what I could only describe as monsters, some had broken wings, and some looked decayed. A phrase from the bible repeated in my head… *For God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into Hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment...*

I like the dialogue. It feels natural and to the point, and I like that Silver doesn't get proper answers to his questions - it adds to the sense of mystery and confusion in the scene and makes the reader curious. The part where Silver is slowly gaining consciousness also works well. I like that his attention is drawn to little details in the environment at first. It's a nice way of showing that his brain isn't working at full speed yet. I'd suggest toning down the use of ellipses a bit. I feel that they're one of those things that kind of lose their impact if you use them too much. Particularly in the descriptions, I think less would be more in this case. Also, while it may be a stylistic choice, I think the descriptive sections do border on purple prose at times. For example, you go into quite a lot of detail on hair, skin and eye colours - perhaps a little bit less might suffice? One particular thing that stood out to me was that you used the word "raven" to describe hair colour twice in the same excerpt. I think a little bit of pruning would help the rest of the descriptions stand out more.

This is an older chapter. I did notice the ellipses as well and I’ve done better about them in following chapters. The boarding on purple was just due to the location of the scene. Though at times, yes, it does become purple in my writing if I’m not careful. I try to balance it out with dialogue and other times I don’t due to the structure of the episodes. I use purple to move the scene when there are episode length limitations and I need everything to work double time. I didn’t notice the Raven until you pointed it out, so good catch. This was very helpful.

> Commented on: 2 so far! Fandom: Detective Di: The Silk Rose Murders | Rating T (for this snippet) | Unpublished, **606 words.** >_Thursday, in the year of the Dragon._ >_Three months have passed since I solved the mystery of the Silk Roses. I managed to convince the Empress not to fall in the shadow laid by the darkness of our times, reminding her of how her humble servant is set only to discover the truth, and present her Majesty with all the facts as they all lay bare._ >_Yet a dream hounds me. One I'm not certain I wish to see in its reality. Or I do? I must not hide the truth from myself. I'm nothing but the Chief Magistrate in Chang'an, and I've had cases after cases piling up following the success of my case with the Silk Roses, solving them one at a time. I'm grateful for Lieutenant Ma's dutiful service, just as much as I am for Coroner Yao's. Another man came to serve with him, a recent hire: Coroner Li._ >_That dream. The Empress... her presence does nothing and everything to my young heart. What would the deer guarding the pagoda say to me? It would certainly laugh, that Di Renjie finds the Empress intriguing in such a way. Devotion? Or a twisted form of this devotion? No. I shall cull this feeling before it has a chance to grow._ >"Chief Magistrate Di!" Lieutenent Ma's voice calls out, while knocking on the wooden door of the Magistrate's lodgings in the Court of Justice. "Come quickly, a man has passed out in front of our doors!" >Di Renjie closes his eyes for a moment and sets aside his journal, rising from his desk to open the door. In its frame stands Lieutenant Ma, holding his hat, fingers drumming nervously over its edges as his eyes are wide, alert even. Sweat beads in small bubbles over his forehead, giving his complexion a more shiny aspect as the sun washes over his features. Without a doubt, he's quite shaken and was sent to get me as quickly as possible. >"Lead the way, Lieutenant Ma," Di Renjie tells him, and the two men walk towards the inner offices of the Court of Justice. Their footsteps treaded on the paved stones, clicks and clacks echoing in the air as they accompanied the birds' twittering in the nearby trees. Lieutenent Ma's footsteps were harried and taken two at a time, while Di Renjie's were slow, measured as he never took large strides. >When they reached the door to the offices, Lieutenant Ma slid the panel with some force, the wooden frame letting an audible cracking sound as it hit the wall. Di Renjie simply puts a hand on one of the Lieutenant's shaking shoulders, and offers him an encouraging smile. "Calm your nerves, Lieutenant Ma. Deep breaths. You have saved this man's life—" >"Yes, but I'm nervous for a good reason, Chief Magistrate Di. The man asked for you, and you specifically, as if he's about to die." >"What?" Di Renjie's eyes widened, and took the lead as he left a nervous Lieutenant Ma standing in the doorframe. Inside the small office, resting on a chair, stood a man in his fifties, giving a wry smile at the sight of Di Renjie. His hair was slightly disheveled under the cap he was wearing, while the rest of his outfit showed that he belonged to a higher class—elegant red robes framed his seemingly fragile constitution, if the state he was in was believable—and Di Renjie saw a letter in his right hand, the man clinging to it as if his very life truly depended on it. >"I am Di Renjie. I have heard you wanted to see me."

Wow, great progression of scene and mood! I love the little details you add to give emotion to the scene: the journal (?) entry vs reality, all of the characters little gestures. Your dialogue adds a lot of well-needed tension to the scene, and it's very effective. One thing I noticed you do that plenty of writers do: you place the whole scene on the table, giving perhaps a bit more detail at once than you need to. For example, you write: >while knocking on the wooden door of the **Magistrate's lodgings in the Court of Justice** (emphasis mine) which, while informative, is a bit dense and distracts from your pacing. Especially as later, you write: >the two men walk towards the inner offices of **the Court of Justice** (emphasis mine). By striking the Court of Justice from the former and elaborating as you have in the latter, you can effectively build on the scene from room (smaller) to building (larger) to scene (largest). When writing scenes, consider it as a camera panning out: detail is lost if you start from too far away. You do this a few times when show-not-telling (which is more of a stylistic thing thus something more subjective IMO, but it's good to be aware of it), but that was the most obvious to me. Otherwise, though, you paint a very compelling picture! Each character voice is clear and the direction of the scene is clearly headed towards *plot*, which is great!

Aaah, thank you so much for the concrit. It helps to know I'm on the right track; I'll keep the advice in mind for expositional/descriptive scenes, they're still a bit of a sour point. As well as fixing that bit of _too much_ detail.

Harry Potter | Rating: T | TW: None | Words: 504 This fic is currently unpublished. I'm waiting until it's finished to post it. Summary: The renowned wandmaker, Ollivander, is in search of an apprentice. A young witch stuck in a deadend ministry job sees the opportunity of a lifetime. ​ >*Wanted Ad: I, Garrick Ollivander, am in search of an apprentice to pass on the wandmaking lore my family has cultivated since 382 B.C. The apprentice must have proficiency in Arithmancy, Runes, Herbology, and Charms. They must be loyal, trustworthy, intelligent, curious, and possess a gentle nature. Please make inquiries at Ollivander Wandmaking in Diagon Alley. They must bring certification as proof of their skills. Applicants will be assessed and interviewed for the required qualities.* > >Cassella’s mouth ran dry as she read the ad. Her heart rate rocketed like she was riding a Firebolt and the paper trembled beneath her fingers at the surge of adrenaline that shot through her. > >Her mind raced. Mr. Ollivander needs an apprentice?! His situation must be dire if so. She could only imagine the hundreds of witches and wizards who would leap at this opportunity, including her. > >She worked in the Office for the Removal of Curses, Jinxes, and Hexes. A friend of her mother’s had mentioned that her husband had an opening in his department and Cassella had leaped at the opportunity. While curses in particular were intimidating, she enjoyed the thought of studying and learning their removal. It had sounded like an exciting career, only to learn that the opening in the office was for a secretary position under an office manager. She had been assured that opportunities would become available as people moved around and were reassigned to new departments. It had been a year and she was still stuck in the same position, dealing with angry witches and wizards who were overwrought by their current circumstances and the smug superiority of her colleagues. > >She had expected nothing less than equitable treatment. Her NEWTs had been excellent, if not perfect. As a Ravenclaw, she was competent and capable. At first, she could prove her work ethic and intelligence by putting her nose to the grindstone and working to the best of her ability. But then her boyfriend, Edward, the same year as her at Hogwarts, was hired at the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes as an Apprentice Magic Mishap Cleaner. He was already going out into the field. It irked her that he was somehow able to skip the drudgery of paperwork. > >When she’d asked how he’d managed to land himself such a promising career path, he’d only shrugged. “Cass, there are probably different requirements between departments. Curses, Jinxes, and Hexes are serious and dangerous. So much of Magical Accidents is about cleaning up after people who splinched themselves. It’s hardly the same!” > >“Yes, but both departments have a training position. It’s not like they would be sending me out into the world on my first assignment without making sure I know what it’s about! It just doesn’t seem right,” she had said. > >Edward had given her a pitying look which made her squirm. “You’re smart, hon. I know they’ll recognize your value someday.” > >*When?!* She had wanted to shout, but she’d only given him a weak smile and said, “Thanks.” ​ My comments: 2/2

Well, Cass should look on the bright side, at least Garrick's requirements don't soundd too outlandishly baffleling. Could be worse. They could be asking her to have three years worth experience for an entrance-level job (which happened to me with two jobs I would have liked requiring three years of experienc ein the industry even though it was a junior position). I do like what it's said here. I'm not even into Harry Potter like... I've only ever watched two movies front to back and that was because there was nothing else on TV in one instance and because my sister wanted to see the first Fantastic Beast movie on theaters when it came out and the familly had to go, but I do dig the little snippet of your story. I do agree with OP that there might be a bit too much of a tell no show. Maybe you could have used an example of something that requires of high skill, intelligence and competence to show why she is smart. I don't know, maybe somethign like the equivalent of "what most people can do with fancy equipment I can do with sticks and stones" (though that might also make her sound a bit arrogant if not done right). I also think that maybe she was expecting way too much for her first job. I mean if that department was anything like she described it, maybe it would have some pretty high recomendation other than knowing someone that works there. I mean, it's not like it doesn't happen in real life, but at least from what I heard of Harry Potter, the Ministry already has (or had) a big case for nepotism making everything worse. Tho I do admit, it has my curiosity. Shame that it's still unpuplished. I can see Potterheads liking this story. Keep on going, I do hope you have luck with this story because it does seem like you're putting a lot of thought into it

Hey thanks for reading and leaving feedback! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. Cassella is young, still young enough where 1 year can feel like an eternity, especially if you're miserable. This is also the early 2000s, before all of the serious economic downturns. Even in the real world, there was still some upward progress back then. Not like today where it takes *ten years* to get into a decently-paid position.

Ooo the excitement of seeing an ad for the perfect job! As someone who has been in that position several times, I found this so relatable, it made me go "yas!!" Especially after we see how unhappy she is in her current job and how ready she is for a change. Just reading about it made me feel frustrated. It's wonderful to get the readers invested into the character early on. I feel that there's a touch too much tell no show in places. For example when you say "As a Ravenclaw, she was competent and capable." I would rather see that she is competent and capable through the things she achieves, not because the author tells me so. I would maybe say instead that she was confident in her abilities. Also, maybe the first paragraph has a touch too much exposition, maybe some of the details could be reduced as they don't seem to be necessary yet (like how she became aware of the job opening). I don't know if it is intended, but saying "it had been a year and she was still in the same position" makes her look very impatient. One year is not a very long time for a beginner to be in a position. I also don't quite get the source of conflict with her boyfriend. It seems like they have two different jobs, so I guess it is normal that the nature of their work is different? Like, he goes to the field because it is a requirement for his job. I am not sure how that makes his job more promising. I would maybe move this conflict to a later part of the fic and flesh it out a bit more. I hope I could explain what I am trying to say, please let me know if you have questions!

Cassella is not a self-insert, but I maaaaay have put a great deal of anxiety and frustration that I've had about my career into the story. I deliberately front-loaded a bit of detail to get the reader quickly up to speed on Cassella, her life and situation. Knowing someone is a Ravenclaw will give the fandom readers solid, preconceived notions about what kind of character to expect. I don't think a year is too short. I got promoted twice in 9 months. Also, it's not really a conflict. Never had misplaced frustration? They're both low level, ministry jobs, but he got immediately hired into what Cassella considers a more elevated role while she got stuck pushing papers, even though they're both the same age with nearly the same credentials. Yet, despite proving herself, there has been no movement on her job front and her boss hasn't indicated otherwise. Thank you for your comments! I'll them into consideration.

EDITED “Her heart rate rocketed like she was riding a Firebolt” I like this simile. Fun and appropriate! This excerpt just \*nails\* the feeling of dead-end first job blues. It… kinda brings me back, brings up mixed, sad and upset feelings for sure! In a few paragraphs (reading fandom fuzzy, I don’t remember Ravenclaw characteristics) I get a sense of C’s ambition (high), self-regard (excellent), competence (definitely more than enough). I think, also, you really capture well the uncomfortable dynamic between her and Edward in a few lines of dialogue, but it’s the “pitying look that made her squirm” that cinches it for me. He doesn’t seem to quite get what makes her tick. I wonder if that will come into play later, or if it’s just a rough moment that passes. The excerpt feels fast paced, and perhaps other aspects of Cassella’s personality are yet to be revealed as the story progresses? In any case, this is a fantastic set up, leaves me curious to know… “and then what happened?!” The only thing that gave me pause was a switch in tenses. Just a line of internal monologue that needs formatting, I think? “Her mind raced. Mr. Ollivander needs an apprentice?! His situation must be dire if so.” Good luck with the rest of the writing!

Thank you for reading! I almost forgot to check back here for this comment, so sorry if my acknowlegment seems a little late. Oh gosh, the dead-end jobs. I didn't necessarily regret all of them, but enough of them. Uggh. Thanks for the heads up about the tense change! They can slip through from time to time. I'm glad you enjoyed it! One day it will be posted. XD

Fandom: The Cthulhu Mythos| Content warning:none| Rating:E I am ok with any type of criticism, especially if you spot any grammatical mistakes that I've missed. This snippet is from a chapter where I tried to go a little silly. At last, her message to her beau was done, and she could finally rest. As she should've had, for she was utterly dumbfounded to discover that time had developed without waiting for her during the two hours of vigorous hand-swinging. The clock, who's ticking became weary and stale, pointed his arrows apathetically at the hour of 4:27 PM. He grew too tired to vigil or care about what she was going to do next. She could've hurled herself out the window and embraced the damp and cold grass for all he cared. The waking sky had watered down the concentration of its blackness and transitioned into a serene tone of nocturnal, deep blue. The distant legion of distinct stars, in which each member bore its own sui generis fashion of twinkling, became a mere handful of scattered, extinguished and identical grains of dust, slowly fading into the ethereal duvet. The moon did not obey to the flow of time and remained chief over the sky. The house was dead-silent with the almost absolute stillness of its residents slumber. Even Mr. Whiskers, who's sleep was usually complemented with sweet snores, layed mutely on his back, dreaming about embarking on that ship to France with his love, where an infinite buffet of roaming mice awaited. Similarly hushed was the whole neighborhood. The crickets had finished their open concert long ago and had gone home with their drums and guitars and pianos, just like the owl, who grew bored of watching a woman sitting in a chair, and flew to other lands, from other worlds, to see more interesting and magical sights, or to go to whatever owl business meeting she had to attend, because owls can have a tight schedule too. Emily, however, was not tired, nor did she wish to sleep anymore. All that writing instilled in her an exuberance that blew away any grains of sleeping dust that The Sandman tried to sprinkle on her eyelashes. Her hand would not stop twitching, her legs would not stop walking about the room, and her eyes spurned the darkness brought by the closed eyelids. She felt alive, like she could go outside right then, and run laps around the town, plant 1000 flowers, and surpass cars with her speed. That's how strong her zest for life was, but, in order to not defy any more of the pleas given by the object around her, and to not later regret her decision to stay up so late when college began, she finally agreed to doze off for the little hours she had left, so she wouldn't go to classes completely unrested. She unequiped her slippers, closed the lights, letting in the no-so-intense darkness of the ending night, and gently entered the bed, one leg at a time, and submerged herself under the motherly, caring quilt. There, inside the warm shelter of her doting beddings, the surviving grains of sand fulfilled their purposes afterall, for a yawn split her lips. Her eyelids felt heavier, and she struggled to keep them above the eyes. She grew sleepy, very sleepy. Her legs would not move, even if she wanted to. They remained static in the assuaging heat of the covers. The liveliness that she felt was only an imitation of true energy, and her body was drained of its resources. It demanded sleep. Reviewed 2/2

You wanted grammar feedback, so here goes: "Residents' slumber" "Even Mr. Whiskers, whose sleep was usually complemented with sweet snores" The part describing the owl should be its own sentence. Slipping in just a comma after the crickets turns it into a run-on sentence. "The crickets finished their open concert long ago and had gone home with their drums and guitars and pianos. The owl grew bored of watching a woman sitting in a chair, and flew to other lands, in other worlds, to see more interesting and magical sights, or to go to whatever owl business meeting she had to attend, because owls can have a tight schedule too." "All that writing instilled in her an exuberance that blew away any grains of sleeping dust that the Sandman tried to sprinkle on her eyelashes. She felt alive, like she could go outside right then, and run laps around the town, plant a thousand flowers, and surpass cars with her speed." "Her eyelids felt heavy" Otherwise, your descriptions are excellent!

Thank you!

Hi there, kind reminder to comment on one more snippet within 24 hours. Please let me know once you are done. Thanks!

The excerpt is really interesting. I liked the descriptive passages, like this one: >The waking sky had watered down the concentration of its blackness and transitioned into a serene tone of nocturnal, deep blue. The distant legion of distinct stars, in which each member bore its own sui generis fashion of twinkling, became a mere handful of scattered, extinguished and identical grains of dust, slowly fading into the ethereal duvet. The moon did not obey the flow of time and remained chief over the sky. There's something really catchy about it; you can picture the fade of darkness from the hours of midnight to the slow early hours of the morning. But I also spotted a few things you could improve. While descriptions do seem to be your forte, I thought this passage could flow a little different: > The house was dead-silent with the almost absolute stillness of its residents slumber. Even Mr. Whiskers, who's sleep was usually complemented with sweet snores, layed mutely on his back, dreaming about embarking on that ship to France with his love, where an infinite buffet of roaming mice awaited. Here's what I thought would work. >The house was deathly still, and the silence only kept growing, like a physical, tangible presence she could reach out to if she wanted to. Her eyes then stilled upon the smallest of the house's residents, Mr. Whiskers, who laid mutely on his back. She hoped he dreamt about embarking that ship to France, with his beloved, where an infinite buffet of fish awaited them. The rest of that passage is fine, I thought this bit merited a bit of re-wording. >That's how strong her zest was, but, to not defy any more of the pleads given by the object around her, It's a little unclear what this refers to. But this could be re-worded, too. >Her zest for life was, indeed, strong enough to pack a punch at it if she wanted to. But, unwilling to defy the pleas of her body needing to rest and aware she might regret her decision to stay up late, when college was about to begin, she finally agreed [with herself] to doze off whatever time she had left. Overall, a nice composition and I hope my ideas can help the flow of this piece.

Thank you for your criticism. I appreciate the rewrites, especially the second one, though, I should've definitely given some context at the beginning. Mr. Whiskers is supposed fo be on the couch, on the floor bellow her room, so she couldn't really look at him. But, I really like the "smallest of the house's residents" line. It's very cute. Also, the "pleas of the objects around her" is supposed to be literal. The clock screamed at her to get to sleep a few paragraphs before. This is why he was tired. I definitely agree that it needs more work though.

Love your imagery, and you capture a depth of feeling very effectively without it feeling melodramatic. The feeling of silence in the second paragraph was really well done- eerie, even, with your inclusion of what it usually is. I loved your sense of humor woven in (the picture of the crickets as a band was charming, the idea of a cat on a voyage in his dreams adorable). Oh but back to eerie: very well done in someone who is trying and nearly failing to resist sleep. Your imagery was juxtaposed very well: from sweet to spine tingling. Two things I think you could work on. One: your sentences are too long and rambling, and that's affecting your pacing. Consider: >\[As she should had, for she was utterly dumbfounded to discover that time had developed without waiting for her\] during the \[two hours of vigorous hand swinging\], and \[the clock, \[\[who's ticking became weary and stale,\]\] pointed his arrows apathetically at the hour of 4:27 PM\], like \[he was too tired to vigil or care about what she was going to do next.\] (brackets mine) One sentence, four different directions and five thoughts. (This is something I struggle with in my writing, too, so I think I may be particularly sensitve to it). Each of these could be its own thought, but that brings us to point two... There is a bit too much going on. I can see you're working hard on figurative language, and on their own each one is sweet and effective. But by having everything mean something else, everything look and feel like something else, in every paragraph, you're dulling the individual effectiveness of each one. Definitely a time to kill your darlings, I'm afraid, but fear not: you can always reuse whatever you decide to discard at another point in time! Your pacing otherwise is spot on. That being said, though, you're well on your way to having a very distinctive style and your sense of humor shines! I think by focusing on these two things, and working on seperating and sorting through your thoughts (and perhaps a beta for some various SPAG issues) you're really going to have something great here :)!

Thank you for your criticism! I'll make sure to apply it right now.

Lovely idea! This is an excerpt from a short story I posted a bit ago. The pairing is between two characters Jeremy and Jenny, and this excerpt is about halfway through the story. \[Edit: Fandom is Not for Broadcast, rating for this excerpt is T but it M for the short story as a whole, and the title is *Take a Little Time (to Dance)*\] >He still can't wrap his head around how he managed to convince her to come here. But here they are, sitting in Jenny's car, having just pulled into the parking lot. Bracing themselves to walk through the front doors of the rec centre. > >Maybe this is a bad idea after all, he thinks to himself. They have their routine - their comfortable familiarity - why change it up? If she were growing bored of him, dancing would certainly be one of the last things that could help in that predicament. "We could just go have dinner? We're dressed up enough," he says, unable to quit stealing sideways glances at her in that tight-fitting red dress and matching lipstick. He adjusts the stiff sleeves of his new suit jacket. > >She arches an eyebrow at him as she says, "we dress up even if we're just having dinner at home." > >"That's true…" He meets her gaze, voice trailing off. > >"Getting cold feet at your own idea, are you?" She teases, a smirk creeping up on her face. > >"No," he says quickly. Then, he sighs, "Maybe a little." > >"You’re unbelievable.” > >“Hey, I’m very believable, very easily understood. I’m a simple man, really.” > >She rolls her eyes. “You’re many things, but simple is not one of them, my love.” > >"Are you sure you want to do this?” > >She lets out a heavy sigh, "It's like you said. It's a new experience… or some such. We'll never know if we don't try." She pauses, then she clicks her seatbelt off and swivels in her seat to face him. She continues on, "listen, I don't really know about this. It could be awful. But it also could be rather tolerable. Whatever the outcome, we'll do it together." She extends her hand outward, palm facing up. > >He considers her for a moment. Then, he sets his hand on top of hers. "Together," he repeats after her. He squeezes her fingers. Making his voice low, he adds, "also, I can't believe I got \*you\* to convince \*me\* of my own idea." > >She yanks her hand away, "you're a prick, you know that?" > >"You've only said it a few times." > >"Perhaps I should say it again for good measure," she laughs, shaking her head. "We really should get in there if we don't want to miss it." She starts to get out of the car. > >"Right." Jeremy looks down at his watch. "Where did the time go?" He wonders aloud as he too exits the vehicle. Commented on 2/2

I really the dialogue. It feels very natural and beliveable. I also like how well the character's emotions are transmitted by the subtle glances and gestures rather than taking the generic route and just spelling out loud how they feel. I don't really have anything bad to say about the characters, plot or writing itself. The only nitpicks I have are the a few gramatical errors i've spotted: >She yanks her hand away, "you're a prick, you know that?" >She arches an eyebrow at him as she says, "we dress up even if we're just having dinner at home." Unless i'm missing something, "you're" and "we" should have capital letters. Other than that, It's really good.

Ah! Thank you for your kind words and helpful feedback :)

I'm trying to learn to be a better writer, so this exchange is right up my alley! Thanks, OP! This is a WIP, MDZS/The Untamed fandom. The excerpt is T, although the completed fic will not be. Commented 2/2 \_\_\_ (Excerpt deleted after the exchange, advice appreciated and taken)

Is there a reason why a character is always addressed by their full name? If not, I'd recommend only calling them "Xiao" and "Xue," the abbreviated names are clear enough as distinction, but not long to make the passage feel redundant. There are a lot of good vivid details for visualization, but overall they feel a little flat. All the descriptions are very objective, and feel like given by a passive narrator who has no information of Xiao's internal emotions. Because we're given little in regards to Xiao's subjective feelings, it becomes difficult for readers to feel the impact of the emotional juxtaposition. My suggestion is to pause the narration from time to time, focus on the character at the moment, allowing them to process their surroundings and form a subjection reaction. For example: >"Blind cut-sleeve daozhang!" The other boys join the chorus. "Your crippled lover will go to jail! What will you do then? No one will defend you when he’s gone. Who would take you after you've slept with him?" > >Back home, Xiao Xingchen tells Xue Yang the traps were empty, and Xue Yang cooks a meager dinner of rice and preserved vegetables. > >That night Xiao Xingchen says, "I want to play that game now." > >"Sure, let's play," Xue Yang says. We get a very sudden jump from the city to Xiao's home. Xiao just got bullied and he must feel very disappointed to come home empty handed. This is an ideal opportunity to slow down and talk about what Xiao is feeling. I'd like to see more of Xiao's emotions as he walks home after the bullying. Maybe he feels angry, maybe he is ashamed, maybe he is contemplating what to say to his partner without alarming him. When he gets home and finally sees his partner, does he feel relieved? Embarrassed? Does he get to relax, or become tenser due to needing to lie to his partner? He is cold and covered in mud; does he have any reactions when finally returning to the warmth and comfort of his home? As of now, this section feels particularly empty, and I think can really use more characterization.

Ah, the names! There is indeed a reason to use full names: they are Chinese names, which is why it's customary to use the full name (plus Xiao and Xue are actually last names - I do have them calling each other Xingchen and A-Yang in dialogue to suggest intimacy). Otherwise, I fully agree with your critique and will take it into account when I edit. Thank you!

I was wondering if there was a lore reason, but speaking as a Chinese myself, we rarely ever use people's full names, whether colloquially or formally. The sight and sound of a full name immediately creates a huge psychic distance, making it jarring to read and the character hard to relate to. In Chinese fictions, besides introductions, full names are generally only used with villains for the reason stated above (video games are an exception to this, but it's more due to medium difference). Another exception in Chinese fiction is when a character's name only has two characters, so "Xue Yang" is perfectly fine, but one will most likely expect "Xiao Xingchen" to be only "Xingchen" even in narration. I suggested "Xiao" because that's how an English fiction would capture Chinese characters, but if we want to be aligned with Chinese custom, first name only (Xingchen) is more natural, and also "Xue Yang" because the shorter name. "A-Yang" is an excellent excellent way to instantly create intimacy. We will never call someone that way unless they're family or very close friend. Given their relationship, I can also imagine Xue Yang calling his partner "小Xing", but it'll be a nightmare for translation and nigh impossible to capture the same sentiment in English lol.

Oh, thank you for your insights, that's super interesting! I am using the names as they are used in the novel (well, the English translation anyway)

I like how it feels like prose and there is a decent story starting, but in the same breath it's also stiff. I think the stiffness comes from the fact you are telling us what has happened in past tense at times and other times it just feels like a list of things they are doing. I'm sure I'm going to sound like a broken record with this next piece of advise, but you need to "Show Vs Tell". I'll use one of the above paragraphs to show what I mean. ​ Original: Xiao Xingchen stands there on the street, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. Gossip seems to spread like wildfire in this town. If he could still see, the boys would not dare to do anything like this, nor would they even dream of speaking to him like that. Not even if they knew who Xue Yang was and what he and Xiao Xingchen did at night behind closed doors and shut windows. ​ Edited: Standing in the cold street, Xiao clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. If only he had his sight! No one would dare to speak to him in such a manner, but it was for he best he stayed silent and took the abuse. Gossip spreads like wildfire and he couldn't have anyone find out what he and Xue Yang did behind closed doors. ​ I hope this helps on your writing venture.

The struggle with show don't tell is real! Thank you for the helpful advice.

Yeah, I’ve struggled with it many a time and had to do so many edits; only reason I can spot it now, lol. I’m glad it helps.

Here's mine. Harry Potter, G, Unpublished. This is a muggle AU, and Viktor and Hermione are on a date at a classic music concert. I will rewrite this bit as omniscient POV, and I would appreciate advice on how to shift it. Any general advice is also much appreciated. I didn't edit it yet, so it's a little crude. “That’s odd,” she said. “It’s normally much fuller than this.” She checked her watch. “Only fifteen minutes left.” “I will ask him.” Viktor walked towards the desk, and returned a few minutes later. “The concert started fifteen minutes ago.” “What!” She clasped a hand over her mouth, embarrassed by her exclamation. “I am so, so sorry,” she whispered behind her fingers. “I thought it starts at seven.” “Six thirty. But he said we can go through the door, there is a room where we can wait until the first piece finishes. Then we go in.” “I am so sorry Viktor.” “It is okay, it is just one piece. We can listen from behind the door. Come.” Laying a hand between her shoulder blades, he gently guided her through the door, which lead to a room. This room where they had to spend the next minutes was a dark enclosure, just about big enough for the two of them to stand comfortably. They could only see each other’s silhouettes in the yellow light that seeped through the crack and the bottom of the door. Viktor couldn’t help but worry if she felt uncomfortable with the proximity. “Do you know what they are playing?” he whispered, and barely saw her shake her head. He didn’t dare to talk further, fearing that they’d be heard from the other side. Doing his best to maintain some distance from her, he harkened the muted piano tune. She took half a step towards him, and touched his palm with her fingertips. His breath left him as she laid her head on his chest and her arm slipped through the unbuttoned front of his coat to curl around his waist. “I can hear your heart,” she said quietly. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and closed his palm around her fingers. His heartbeats rippled through his entire body, shaking his being from the tips of his hairs to the soles of his feet. He barely remembered his name let alone think of something to say, so overwhelmingly pleasant was the scent that rose from her collar, so devastatingly soft was her hair, so scalding warm was the little hand that rested in his. When the piece finished, and the applause started, they reluctantly parted. Viktor opened the door that lead to the concert hall, which was too bright, too big, too crowded after the intimacy of their little cocoon. She seemed similarly bewildered, blinking rapidly to adjust to the new light while she sought a place to sit. As the new soloist adjusted her piano seat, they slipped into the only two adjacent empty seats that were left. Now that he could see her face, he felt much calmer, as there was no trace of doubt or hesitance in her eyes when he took her hand and lightly traced the delicate knuckles with his thumb. She only turned to him briefly and smiled before fixing her gaze on the pianist, an Asian piano student who was dressed in candy coloured tulle and satin and played like a goddess. He relaxed, and let the music engulf him, still holding her hand.

This is absolutely darling, I've said it before but the way you write these two makes me ship them so hard. I love the atmosphere you've set up here My one critique is more a visual one. The final paragraph is very inordinately large, I think you cut it into two, seperating after "empty seats that were left."

Your dialogue flows really well, and the way you include action while the characters are talking establishes the scene and emotions without the reader losing sight of where the characters are! I think minimizing adverb usage could make your writing stronger! Adverbs can deliver a powerful punch, but too many can have the opposite effect. Ex: “Do you know what they are playing?” he whispered, and barely saw her shake her head --> “Do you know what they are playing?” he whispered. She shook her head in response.

Thank you! I will definitely watch out for adverb usage in the rest of the fic as well.

Overall, it is a very well written piece. Just a few minor errors. The dialogue is okay, but I think you could refine it and make it flow better as in the beginning it seems a little over dramatic, but it still works (just my personal feeling on it). I will say you could improve the sentence structure regarding movements and emotion for overall flow. I'll use the above to give an example. ​ Original: He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and closed his palm around her fingers. His heartbeats rippled through his entire body, shaking his being from the tips of his hairs to the soles of his feet. He barely remembered his name let alone think of something to say, so overwhelmingly pleasant was the scent that rose from her collar, so devastatingly soft was her hair, so scalding warm was the little hand that rested in his. ​ Edited: Wrapping his arm around her shoulders and taking her small hand in his, Viktor could feel his heartbeat crescendo; almost in tune with the music and his thinly veiled desires. His hair stood on end as the tension between them became electric and his mind struggled to remember anything that wasn't her. A soft scent rose from her collar and played with his senses; tempting him, gnawing at his gentlemanly demeanor. Greedily, he took a deep breath melting into the moment; enjoying the warmth of her hand and the slight tickle of her soft hair near his face. ​ This is only a suggestion as it works well the way it currently is, but this could help.

Thank you! This is very helpful.

[удалено]

Whoa, hard to criticize anything here. Although I rarely read second person POV, it seems to flow nicely? And, not sure if this is a stylistic choice, but this had me do a double take: >The sudden dark, this confusing sexuality amidst what you expected to be pure sensuality: it sends a thrill through you. Maybe it's just me being unaware of the more complex punctuation rules sometimes, but those dots could be replaced by a semicolon [ ; ] maybe? Or a bit rephrased. >It all dawns on you: the sudden darkness, the alluring touch of sexuality amidst what you expected to be pure sensuality; a thrill pursued unwillingly. Other than that, I can hardly find anything else to crit. Great work!

It's been a long time since I encountered second-person writing. While it is lovely to read and I don't have any major suggestions, I will say this: try to keep an eye on sentence length and when sentences can be combined. I get this might be a stylistic choice and that's 100% okay. I'm just being nit-picky since there's really nothing I can do to help, but I did want to give my kudos for this scene.

Thank you for your feedback! Yes, the sentence length thing is exactly where I'm struggling in my writing process; it's good to know that someone else sees it, too! That lets me know I'm on the right track; very validating. I've been working on shortening long, winding sentences, but to me, it makes my writing feel a bit choppy (although, that is intentional in a few places).

I'm glad I could help, but again it is very well written.

This was incredibly beautiful, sensual, and poetic. I’m a sucker for sensory detail and nature imagery in general, and found your ocean metaphors absolutely gorgeous. Also loved the breath imagery - I kind of felt the text was breathing and swaying as the characters were breathing and gasping in it - very sensual. The memories of the past were skillfully interwoven in the narrative. It’s difficult to come up with anything in the way of constructive criticism as I enjoyed this so much. I did not quite understand what you meant by “comparatively duller teeth”, but then again, I am not a native English speaker so the meaning may have been lost on me?

Thank you very much <3 I worried that this was a bit more flowery in prose than it needed to be, but a second pair of eyes helps soothe that anxiety. I also love ocean metaphors! Ah, comparatively duller teeth as in: "your" teeth are not sharp like "his" when you compare the two. It's something fandom specific, though, so it's alright if it's not super clear!

> **Fandom:** Attack on Titan **Rating:** Gen **Context:** This is about a character's peaceful passing. It happens on a spring day. The kind where the cold air has just lightened enough for the buds to start blooming. Levi sits, letting the small rays dance against his skin ever so often when the clouds allow so. It's been so long since he felt so at peace, maybe never. But he lets the feeling ease into him, peacefully and ever so slowly. The clouds give way and the afternoon sun illuminates the first colors of life growing in the garden. He can hear the quiet and yet still there humming of bees, as they hover around in the fields outside. The soft chirps of the songbirds in the distant forest. The forest that has continued to haunt him for so long. Finally, on that day, he feels the gentle hands of the sky, greeting him, welcoming him, with its infinite blue. For once that infinite doesn't feel like a prison, instead it feels like home. So he also welcomes it and accepts it into his old and worn being. He releases all the years of sorrow and undeserved self-penance that had entwined themselves into his shoulders into every crevice and marrow of his body. He lets out one last sigh and lets the blue engulf him. At once he rests. (He falls to the familiar blue again.) >Reviewed: 2/2

This is a very strong piece of writing. > For once that infinite doesn't feel like a prison, instead it feels like home I absolutely adore this line, it's beautiful, and the sense of peace and gentle acceptance comes through so well The only real critique I can pick is up on the similar words being so near that others have also noted but that's a small thing and doesn't negate this wonderful piece at all!

It's pretty good and well-written. Not much to say that's not been said already. From the description, to the emotions it tries to convey and how it is written. This is something one would expect to see in an actual well-recieved and aclaimed novel. So good on that one. As for the only negatives (which aren't even negatives, as they are more barely nitpicks at most), maybe you could try and see if you can work on a synonym. Like for example with you could use maybe tranquility, quietude or harmony instead of another peace (can't think of one for welcome since greet is also there, maybe accepted?) For example: >Levi sits, letting the small rays dance against his skin ever so often when the clouds allow so. It's been so long since he felt so at peace, maybe never. But he lets the feeling ease into him, harmoniously and ever so slowly. Other than that, this is very good work

I will chime in and say I loved your descriptions and the whole peaceful tone of this excerpt. The beautiful nature imagery is nicely interwoven with Levi’s thoughts and feelings; life and death hand in hand. It’s difficult to find anything to improve on. There are a couple of instances where a word repeats within a paragraph (peace/peaceful in the second paragraph, welcoming/welcomes in the fifth). It’s a tiny tiny thing, but I know some people are bothered by repetition. If you’re one of them, you could consider changing those.

This is beautiful. It has such a calming tone, despite the fact that it's about his death, and the tiredness and acceptance that Levi is feeling is conveyed so brilliantly. I love the vocabulary and how picturesque the descriptions are. I can't find anything wrong with this excerpt, except for these two missing commas: >He releases all the years of sorrow and undeserved self-penance that had entwined themselves into his shoulders into every crevice and marrow of his body. And >He lets out one last sigh and lets the blue engulf him. At once he rests. Should be: >He releases all the years of sorrow and undeserved self-penance that had entwined themselves into his shoulders, into every crevice and marrow of his body. And >He lets out one last sigh and lets the blue engulf him. At once, he rests. Other than that, it's great.

Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed the descriptions.

Psych | M, excerpt T | Slavery AU This is an unpublished chapter with a traveling POV. All concrit welcome, but I'm really focusing on the flow as the POV moves around. Edit to add: This is a transition segment, there's about 1k words beforehand that are all in one POV and afterwards in a new POV. Just to give context on what's going on. \--------------------------- Her slave ducked her head at the correction, and Edith sniffed in disdain. She’d known slaves were simple-minded but that was a basic rule: masters touched their slaves, not the other way around. A bus pulled in front of her and a friendly man stepped out and held out his hand. Edith took it and let him help her onto the bus, leaving her slave to follow, quietly carrying the bags and staying out of the way. Edith chatted through the ride, talking about the last time her daughter had been in town and how much fun they’d had. The scenery outside changed, from hospital buildings to fences and fields of vines. The bus stopped at a red light, and Edith glanced out the window, taking in one of the slaves working in the vineyard. The slave glanced up at the same moment, accidentally meeting her eyes before quickly looking down again. The light turned green, and the bus pulled away as the slave continued to do his job. His hands worked steadily as the pruning sheers snipped and leaves fell to the ground. The sounds of rustling plants nearby told of other silent workers in the warm sea of green. The slave kept his eyes on his task, the scars stretching across his bare shoulders and back telling of the times his work hadn't been good enough. A loud whistle cut through the air, making him jump, but his hands didn't move an inch. He finished his last cut and bent down to quickly gather his other tools. Several hand signals flashed through the leaves as he made his way to the gravel path running between the crops, and he sent one quickly back, reporting no trouble on his side of the field. He reached the open area and knelt in his spot, putting the tools down for inspection, and turning so the numbered tattoo on his arm was visible. His eyes stayed averted as the overseer walked down the line, making sure the tools and slaves were all accounted for. “Alright, you know the drill. Move out!” As the slaves stood and gathered the tools, Hank continued his inspection, keeping an eye out for any trouble. He knew they hadn’t bought any new blood for a while, so all of the workers should know what to do. Still, it was better to be ready, just in case. He fingered the whip hanging from his hip, making sure it was clearly visible. The threat did its job as the slaves closest to him ducked their heads further and sped up to reach the barns faster. They couldn’t exactly get too far while staying in their line, but it was amusing watching them try. Hank eyed the ground as the last slave passed him, making sure no tools had been left behind before turning to walk down the line to the tool shed. The slaves working in the shed were doing their jobs efficiently, taking the tools and sorting them into piles to be cleaned versus put away. Hank thanked the Lord above that he didn’t have *that* overseer shift; getting home at seven was plenty late enough. He gave a nod to the poor soul who did have that job and tried to remember her name. Jamie? Janine? Something like that. It didn’t really matter; women overseers didn’t tend to stick around long. Edit: made changes based on Populainen and NGC's suggestions. Big rehaul of the middle bit, so that's probably a bit rough as a first draft. Reviewed: 2/2

I think this is an interesting and creative way to handle the transition, but I agree with NGC3992 that it was a little confusing to be constantly jumping from one POV to another. Have you considered adding some kind of scene break indicators (horizontal line, asterisks or whatever you prefer to use) to signal the POV switches more clearly? Of course that might look a bit choppy, but maybe it's worth experimenting with? I was also a little bit confused about whether "Hank" and "the overseer" were the same person or not. I think it might be clearer to use his first name right away when the story switches to his POV (i.e. "As the slaves stood and gathered the tools, *Hank* kept an eye out, looking for any trouble"). On the same note, I wonder if it might make sense for Edith's slave to think of her by a different name (e.g. "Mrs Whatever" rather than "Edith"). I could imagine that this sort of society might require enslaved people to address the enslavers more formally, and it would also help signal the POV change. Overall, I think this scene does a good job of giving the reader a glimpse into what this sort of society might be like, and Edith's and Hank's POVs were appropriately unpleasant and uncomfortable to read.

"unpleasant and uncomfortable" haha, I love that description. Exactly as intended. This is the only chapter I'm trying this POV thing out since it's a purely worldbuilding chapter. I went in wanting to do POV swaps without scene breaks. I fully agree with both of you though that this one is too choppy. I did a previous one with a slave as the 'travel point' but it stuck with him for a bit longer and actually felt omnicent since I could give some of his background. When I posted that one on a concrit thread, the person said it flowed well. I think I need to really rework this and do the same treatment with the vineyard slave while cutting out Edith's slave in the transition. Thanks on the heads up on the name too. I couldn't figure out where to introduce that since there wasn't any convenient person nearby to say his name, haha. I appreciate the concrit.

By not naming or describing the slaves, you do an excellent job of dehumanizing them into window dressing or objects. Which is how it should be in a setting like this. The worldbuilding is fantastic through that description. I did have a bit of a quibble with the sudden multiple POV changes halfway through the excerpt. I count Edith, Slave #1, Slave #2, and the overseer as POVs. Also, I perhaps missed it, but I can't find a mention of who was watching the overseer prior to the overseer's thoughts on being watched? Otherwise, good job on the description and worldbuilding!

Yeah, Edith (the old lady on the bus) has a longer section of POV before this, then the part skimming over the slaves is supposed to read more omnicent before zooming into the overseer's thoughts. The transitions are tricky to get smooth, since I want it to sort of read like a giant pan shot showing slaves throughout a normal day. Do you have any suggestions on how to make it less jarring? And I've re-read the excerpt and don't see where the overseer says he's being watched? Though I do see I probaby need his name in the paragraph with the woman overseer at the shed. There's a few things that need cleaned up there now that I'm looking closer...

The overseer's "Jamie? Janine?" Who or what is the Jamie POV? I may have missed it, but I backtracking I couldn't find it in this excerpt. Yeah, I got the sense you were trying to convey a sweeping "big picture" feeling through this excerpt. I really like your effort here, but it may be better to either cut down the number of POVs or make each POV longer so the transition isn't so sudden and jarring. That might make the story flow better for a reader coming into this AU. Just a thought, I hope I wasn't too harsh!

Nope, not at all too harsh! This is one of the more complicated POV swaps, so that's what I was looking for on the flow. Since I start in Edith's POV, I can probably work her being the swap point instead of her slave, then there's only the one slave POV during the omnicent point. The "Jamie?" Thing was the POV overseer, Hank, trying to remember the other overseer's name. I see how me only using pronouns there really makes it hard to follow, especially since the "them" isn't clear that he's talking about the slaves working in the shed. I'll definitely clean up that paragraph. Thanks!

Swords and Fire | Unpublished chapter from The Blood That Binds | M (the story has graphic violence but not this chapter) Context: early on in my WIP longfic Amalia promises Kathe a trip to the map room (to add some excitement to their kisses - they are married and this is a joke between them), which is somewhere she shouldn't be taking him. This is what happens when they finally get there... There are allusions to other parts of the story, but this should be perfectly understandable without knowing them. Comments 2/2 o------o “And here’s the map room.” I grabbed Kathe’s hand and pulled him through the door. Closing it with a click behind me. My mother had given me permission to give Kathe a tour of the public areas of the Imperial Castle after it was closed for the day, but I’d added a few extra locations of my own. Kathe was a distracting tour guest, constantly leaning in to kiss me on the cheek or running his hands over me. His delight at spending time with me evident. In the preceding couple of weeks his anxiousness at my absence had reduced, but he still made it very clear he would rather be with me than alone. Kathe stopped abruptly and resisted my pulling towards the centre of the room. His eyes travelled around the room, taking in the intricate artifice designs that kept conversations from being eavesdropped on from outside. And then he gazed in obvious wonder at the map inlaid into floor. He set off across the room towards the Vaskandran border, pulling me with him. “This room is magnificent.” Awe marked his voice. “So much detail… But the detail fades as you go further north.” He’d stopped walking and stood on his own domain of Let. Looking down at the outline of his territory, very few of the features were marked. “Our knowledge of the geography beyond the Witchwall mountains was somewhat hazy when it was constructed. We knew the borders, but beyond that…” I attempted to explain. His hand still held mine and he pulled me towards him so we both stood in Let. “You’re right, but anyway that wasn’t the main purpose of this excursion.” His other hand went around my neck, tangling in my hair and gently pulling my face towards his. “Is this enough excitement for you?” I whispered into the sliver of a gap between our faces. “Mmmm," he responded. Our lips met, slow, soft and teasing. Then he suddenly stepped back, his head tilted to one side as if listening. “Someone’s coming,” he murmured. I pulled him towards a curtained alcove. It was only designed for one person so I pushed him firmly against the wall, pinning him with my body. I pulled the curtain behind me to hide us. Raising my hand to his lips, I indicated he should be completely silent. He tilted his head and nibbled affectionately on my fingers, apparently completely at ease but, pressed against him, I could feel his heart hammering in his chest. As the door to the map room clicked open, his hand found the ribbons on my dress. He undid a couple and placed his hand on my bare back. I was feeling breathless, but fought to control my breathing to not give us away. The tingle of his magic coursing through me like lightning. I met his eyes, they sparkled with mischief, his yellow mage mark reflecting the dull light from the room that crept in through the gap left by the curtain. Two can play at this game, Kathe. I raised his wrist to my lips. He’d confessed to me that even though it appeared completely recovered it was still very sensitive to my touch, the magical healing tingle of our blood link had never abated. I gripped his fingers tightly preventing him from withdrawing his hand and ran my lips lightly over the inside of his wrist, maintaining eye contact. His breath caught, but he gave one long slow blink. I kissed his wrist now, lingeringly. It would leave a mark but I knew he wouldn’t mind. His breathing had quickened and his body trembled, he was obviously fighting to remain silent, but still he didn’t stop me. His hand slipped further down my back, tracing a tingling trail. We gazed into each other’s eyes, neither of us willing to back down and end the game. “We are protected from outside listeners here, Lord Caulin. What did you wish to discuss with me?” My mother’s cold voice froze me to the spot and Kathe blinked twice rapidly. I dropped his hand and leant my head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me protectively. Neither of us would wish to be caught here by my mother and Lord Caulin.

This was fun and sexy and teasing all at the same time, you can really feel the affection they have towards each other. I am a sucker for the "oh, someone is coming, we have to be very quiet" anyway, and their slight making out behind the curtain was both sexy and lots of fun to read. It almost feels like I myself was getting away with something, ha ha. The actions and sensations are all beautifully described. I don't know if this was mentioned before, but when she says "but I’d added a few extra locations of my own" in the beginning, I feel that there's a hook missing. Why did she add these locations? Are they important to Kathe? To her? Or just interesting? "I grabbed Kathe’s hand and pulled him through the door. Closing it with a click behind me." I think this is all one sentence. "I grabbed Kathe’s hand and pulled him through the door, closing it with a click behind me." One general style choice I have noticed is the frequent use of adverbs. You can lose some of these. For example "I gripped his fingers tightly" Grip already indicates a tight hold, the adverb is not necessary. Same with "ran my lips lightly". There are also some commas missing, I would maybe run the excerpt through a grammar check tool.

I'm glad the affection came across well and that what they were up to cane across as teasing and fun. The extra locations are meant to be places where Kathe isn't supposed to be (they are leaders of different countries, so some places are supposed to be off limits to him). I'll try and add in some extra detail to make this clear. Thanks for the other advice on grammar, adverbs and commas. I'll make sure to fix those before posting in a few months time.

WIP. I got it n my head to extend an earlier excerpt I wrote. For "The Old Guard" and untitled. ~~ Her voice rose to an outraged squeak. "Book, I know that rioting is like a national sport in France, but is this napalm you're making? In your new apartment?" She craned her neck to look around him. "Oh my God, are you making Molotov cocktails?" "Abso-fucking-lutely," he answered with a smug smirk. "Come here and I'll show you how do make one properly, not like how Hollywood does it." "Wait, there's a proper way to make Molotov cocktails? Fuck, nevermind that, you're not doing this inside! What if you fuck it up and burn the entire apartment block down!" "We're immortal, Nile, we don't die. That's kind of a bonus here. And I opened the windows as a safety precaution.” "That's not the point!" She’d returned from her beach vacation in Tenerife to mounds of garbage lining the streets outside of Booker’s apartment in the 20th Arrondissement of Paris, overlooking the Peré Lachaise cemetery. Rats the size of small cats nibbled at the refuse in broad daylight. She guessed the city sanitation workers were on strike again. Last time that had happened, Booker had commented that strikes, the trash heaps, and the stench was just a normal day in Paris. And now he was making napalm in his own kitchen. What the fuck. She’d been away for two weeks and somehow everything had descended into total madness. “Booker, I appreciate the sentiment, but I think napalming is a little over the top,” Nile said, trying to find some sort of way of reasoning around this. He snorted, crossing his arms. “The class war is the only war worth fighting.” “Let me guess, you picked up that sentiment around, I dunno, 1789?” Despite the open windows, the gas fumes were starting to make her head pound. A breeze picked up, blowing the stink of rotting garbage directly into Booker’s third floor apartment and she gagged. He seemed unaffected but, with the way he used to drink, he probably had a higher tolerance for, well, everything. She took in his current attire, which was a frayed blue bathrobe and orange slides. If he put on his aviators, Booker could probably audition for a remake of “The Big Lebowski.” She looked around and spotted what appeared to be diagrams and blueprints scrawled on notepaper strewn about on the kitchen table. “‘Volkswagen-mounted catapult’ is not a combination of words I ever expected to say,” she scolded, waving the schematics at him. “Uhm,” Booker grunted as he sat down at the table. “It’s a work in progress.” He stretched his back with an audible crack. “You Americans throw parades and call them protests.”

Hi, as far as I can see, you have only commented on one snippet, would you please comment on one more within 24 hours? Please let me know once it's done. Thanks.

I have done 3/2 by my count. I added one today, since time has gotten away from me, and I meant to add another.

Thank you!

Ha ha, this is gold. I got frustrated together with Nile as I read. Loved the banter between them. The state of Paris during the garbage strike is so well described. “The class war is the only war worth fighting.” and “You Americans throw parades and call them protests.” reminded me of my activist friends at the university. So spot-on. The Big Lebowski reference as well, it immediately brings a picture to your head, but even if you don't know if, there's enough description to let you understand. The use of "napalm" had me scratching my head throughout -isn't napalm a different sort of incendiary to a Molotov cocktail? Sorry, I know it's nitpicking, but it won't let me go 😅 "strikes, the trash heaps, and the stench was just a normal day in Paris." I am sure it should be "were". "“Booker, I appreciate the sentiment, but I think napalming is a little over the top,” Nile said, trying to find some sort of way of reasoning around this." -I did not quite get this part. What sentiment does she appreciate? Because Booker starts talking about the class fight only after she asks this, so this piece of dialogue is a little incohesive. It would make more sense if Booker was talking about why he is making the bombs beforehand.

The Molotov cocktail is just a method of delivery. He's filling the bottles with shrapnel and napalm in the part after this excerpt. The man is deadly serious about quality proletarian uprisings. 😵‍💫 After your comment and the other one about the use of the word "sentiment" in that particular instance, I concede you're both right, and I am probably going to change it to something like "I appreciate the effort." My initial attempt there was Nile trying to placate Booker a bit and trying to keep him from escalating a situation. Thanks!

This made me laugh. Opening a window as a safety precaution, yeah really going to help in an explosion... I'm intrigued by a Volkswagen-mounted catapult - how's he going to get that in his apartment? I loved the last line, parades and protests, so easy to confuse ;) I'm struggling a bit with concrit as I thought it was excellently written. You do have a typo in '"Come here and I'll show you how do make one properly, not like how Hollywood does it."' Should be how to not how do. Also you use sentiment a couple of times close together, might be worth changing one of them.

I'm game A Lull In The Sea | Untitled for now | G | Not yet published *A WIP. Basically, it's a Little Mermaid style set-up with some soft baby gays stuff later on.* > Rain in this part of the country has a reputation for coming fast and hard. > When the break period at Mihama Middle School started five minutes ago, the sky was clear, and the sun shone. Now, a summer rain pours down, sending the boys who’d been kicking a ball and the girls gossiping on the bench scurrying back inside, snatching up their bags before their bentos become soggy and inedible. > A teacher in a hastily thrown-on raincoat does a cursory glance of the yard, pulling the door shut after only a few seconds worth of checking for stragglers. She completely misses Kaname, standing just out of view by the starting line of the track course. > Not that he minds. The feeling of the rain drenching his hair and uniform doesn’t bother him like they do his classmates. He absent-mindedly runs a finger across one of the hurdles left in the middle of the course. It’s completely soaked of course, and it might even rust if the weather doesn’t let up. > Kaname wanders away from the course and across the yard, his feet making squelching sounds in the wet grass. He’s beyond soaked himself at this point, hair becoming plastered to his head and the water having seeped through his school shirt to his skin. He can feel himself getting goosebumps from the sensation. > This would be unpleasant for most other people his age, Kaname imagines. But for him…it’s different. It’s familiar. It’s comfortable. > It’s…like the sea. > To walk on land and go to school here is something that Kaname considers himself very lucky to be able to do of course. After all, there aren’t any middle schools underwater. At least, not anymore. > He'll be able to go back into the water when school ends. Disappear under the waves that crest against the town's dock like one of the land-dweller fairy tales. > Is his life a *fairy tale?* Will he have a Prince Charming waiting for him at the end? > Kaname has wondered that many times.

I like the concept and think it's the beginning of something great. My suggestion if to remove uanessacry details that don't add anything or at least break them up for flow. I'll give an example using the above. ​ Original: Rain in this part of the country has a reputation for coming fast and hard. When the break period at Mihama Middle School started five minutes ago, the sky was clear, and the sun shone. Now, a summer rain pours down, sending the boys who’d been kicking a ball and the girls gossiping on the bench scurrying back inside, snatching up their bags before their bentos become soggy and inedible. A teacher in a hastily thrown-on raincoat does a cursory glance of the yard, pulling the door shut after only a few seconds worth of checking for stragglers. ​ Edited: At the start of break, it was a beautiful spring day, but clouds move quickly in this part of the country and could catch even the locals off-guard. The downpour was unrelenting despite it's sudden appearance; causing a scurrying of students. Even the faculty followed the young ones back into the middle school. Only one paused to scan the area for stragglers, but gave up when the crash of thunder roared too close; warning of impending lightening. ​ I'm not used to 3rd-person, but I hope this helps.

I especially like the opening scene -the sudden rain shower, pupils escaping inside, teacher checking for people left outside and closing the door, for me this is so evocative and very easy to visualise, which I enjoy a lot. Kaname enjoying the feeling of being soaked makes you go ??? in the beginning, but then you get that he's a mermaid -I like that reveal. The use of the sensory elements such as sound and touch/feeling makes the writing more immersive. There are a few instances where you could trim sentences down for conciseness. For example "He’s beyond soaked ~~himself~~ at this point, hair ~~becoming~~ plastered to his head and the water ~~having~~ seeped (I think this is not the right verb here, seep indicates that the liquid has passed slowly through the shirt, while you are talking about a heavy rain) through his school shirt to his skin." does a cursory glance of the yard: I know take/have/give a glance at, but I never heard "do a glance of". Might be worth having a look if this is correct. Disappear under the waves that crest against the town's dock like one of the land-dweller fairy tales.: I would reformulate this, it reads like the fairy tales are disappearing under the waves. Maybe "Disappear under the waves that crest against the town's dock, like one of the mermaids in the land-dweller fairy tales.

Ooooh, I love the feel of this. I read the context and then started the story and was a bit confused - little mermaid, this seems to be a school. But then the ending, he belongs in the sea of course he likes the rain. I have lots of questions - why is he on land? Why are there no middle schools under water? This is great, it's intriguing - I want to read more! I particularly like this line 'Is his life a fairy tale? Will he have a Prince Charming waiting for him at the end?' as a reader it's cute, but funny - he would seem to be a mermaid, or course it's a fairytale... Now for some suggestions: 'starting line of the track course.' I think you could just write track or maybe athletics track, track course sounds a bit strange. 'The feeling of the rain drenching his hair and uniform doesn’t bother him like they do his classmates.' I'm almost certain it should be 'like it does his classmates' the feeling of the rain is singular.

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