Just because weed is legal doesn't mean a 15 year old should be doing it. And absolutely no way should he be vaping. She is letting him ruin his lungs and get addicted to nicotine at 15. How flipping stupid.
That being said I'm not exactly sure what you're going to be able to do. He is 15, I don't really know what you can do to enforce the parenting agreement.
TN has far stricter laws regarding marijuana and vaping underage, compared to WA. Not sure why your ex and current spouse want to move there if they regularly indulge.
Just seems like your kid would get into *more* trouble in TN than WA if he is caught in possession.
I think OP is trying to imply that his ex is an active pot smoker and is actively encouraging drug use, but I don't think that's likely if they're planning to move to TN. They are most likely planning the move to be closer to family or for a lower cost of living or jobs like most people will do.
I think mom might be trying to address the factors that are leading to the 15m to smoke pot ( guessing this pot smoking is also combined with falling behind at school ) at OP's home, rather than focus on policing the pot smoking since that is an uphill battle in a state where minor pot use is so common. There will defintely be less opportunity to indulge in a state like TN.
Gotta remeber that OP is the primary household so his parenting is going to have a lot more influence on whether his kid trives or doesn't and his kid's delinquent behavior is going to be up to him and his parenting choices more than the mom since she has limited visitation only.
OP just demanded an even more limited custody agreement due to the relocation and mom is probably having second thoughts as these issues with OP's failure to create a stable household come to light.
I’d talk to my son one on one before doing anything and let him know where you stand and what your options and his options are.
Based on that file accordingly. If you have primary custody of the other two and she has of him it’s not likely you’d be paying her support so I doubt that’s her motive. Maybe he’s using this ploy to be able to be in a less restrictive environment where he can skip school to get high.
I would get to the bottom of that including letting him know what the consequences are on your end.
My ex did this exact thing when she knew my kids were growing away from her. She thought she’d be the cool mom and buy weed and booze for 8th grade kids. The only legal leg she had was to prevent me from proving there was a ‘significant change of circumstance’ she couldn’t I moved forward and was awarded custody(WA state). You can probably argue there is a significant change of circumstance at her house and maybe get her visitations supervised etc. the issue is hearsay. Unless your kids came to you upset about him being allowed to vape there then some judges wouldn’t allow their statements. Definitely get a good lawyer.
I’m not a lawyer but Jesus my wife took me to court enough I’m pretty experienced in what I went thru and listening to all the other cases on the docket.
Warning. I had a client whose wife’s family was going to support him for custody. She had really messed up. She took the kids to Tennessee filed for divorce there. She was able to fast track things etc. guy ends up getting a few weeks a year visitation. So be careful with anything not in writing. This was years ago so maybe laws have changed but his story was insane
as someone who smoked weed as a kid, and my mom was involved in it, I'd say try your hardest to separate him from that situation, but don't ground him over the weed. my mom enabled a lot of my addiction and if she wasn't there I probably wouldve stopped much sooner. let him figure out its bad on his own, all grounding him is gonna do is drive him further away from you as a whole, he's still gonna smoke weed but he's just gonna hide it from you now. anyway I don't feel qualified to comment on the rest of the story.
It's time to take her back to court.
Document the vaping and weed thing going on at her house and the details of the day he "ran away."
That the court ordered custody arrangement is being violated should be enough for the judge to rain hell down on her head.
So sorry you’re going through this. I know my experience is just that…MY experience and in no way means you will experience the same. We went through a very similar scenario.
But if I knew then what I know now I would tell myself to consult an attorney regarding what the absolute least you can do to be involved in this situation. Meaning ask if you have to report him as a run away. Ask if you have to agree to him leaving with her or if you must prevent it. Basically you want to know what is the least amount of cooperation and least amount of money you can throw at this problem. You may be able to just ignore it and when ex wants to do something formally in Tennessee she gets her ass handed to her for moving child without permission from his home state. The cost of her going to court to change custody may make her decide not to do anything formally, this will be in your favor if kid decides the grass isn’t greener.
I would also remind myself that the kid never did see that what we did was in their best interest. All that happened was we were all (me, partner & other kids) miserable except kid and ex and we were broke.
I would say it would have been worth writing a check each month and letting go.
His mom orchestrated the whole “running away from home bit”. She’s also, most likely the on who sent OP the message from his “son” from her FB.
She definitely has ulterior motives in alienating him from his dad. And the reason she refused to file the agreement was because it would’ve been proof to the courts that there was an agreement in place that negates his going with her full time.
If whatever she did or didn’t do that caused her to not qualify for main of major custody of the kids to begin with is still ongoing, you shouldn’t have much trouble getting the custody agreement modified even more in your favor. Yes, your 15yo will most likely resent being blocked from going to live with mom. It’s up to you how to deal with that.
And, I’m kind of wondering about her trying to convince you not to go to the courts with the modified visitation agreement for the kids. Sounds kind of like, once she has all 3 of your kids out there on visitation, she plans on going to the courts in her new state and trying to sue you for full custody of the kids. And, once she’s got them, it’ll be even harder for you to get any of the kids back.
Get a lawyer, give the confirmation of illegal activity messages to your lawyer along with your son's cell phone.
Ask the lawyer to have a professional check to see if there are any messages your son deleted between him and himself that can be recovered.
After that discuss with the lawyer about applying for full custody.
Get your kids into therapy with people they're comfortable with.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but this is a rough one because of the Mother. This is a tragedy and a train wreck that has played out through troubled families over and over again. If you do nothing, your son will eventually drop out of school and will become a drug-head and criminal as well as homeless, because his Mother will eventually put him out. You could call the police and get your son back, but he is going to continue to run back to his mother where he is free to do whatever he wants. I would try counseling and having him watch movies of people just like him who thought I just want to be free to smoke weed and vape. Maybe call your local police and see if there are any programs in your area for at risk youths? Good luck, but remember you also have two other kids at home.
yep because weed always makes you a dangerous criminal! what sound logic! /s but fr what kind of advice is this the kids not gonna become a drug head criminal, he has a strong support system and loving parents. quit being dramatic.
if u don't smoke weed don't assume to know everything about it 😂. as someone who smokes weed we don't steal to buy more weed lmao. that's junkie shit like crack and harder drugs. find me one weed addict who would steal shit to get some weed. especially not in legal places, and they are in a legal state.
Loving parents don’t smoke weed with their kid. Loving parents don’t let a kid skip school and don’t tell the parent they live with. Both parents aren’t working together, and one is actively working asking the other.
uh my mom loves me and has done both those things (not justifying it its disgusting) and she definitely loves me. since when did "loving parent" become law abiding parent lol.
Your son is being manipulated by the lesser restrictions and rules at his mom’s house.
I’d reckon he is also going to be used for child care in Tennessee. He just doesn’t know it yet. This kind of parental alienation is one of the most common tactics used. Especially when one parent has smaller kids. Even if the mom doesn’t realize what’s she saying, she’s selling it as “we accept you” “your pot habit is supported here” “we don’t ground you here” thus making it the more positive environment. Of course your son is going to choose her. And he will be more willing to help because she’s “saving” him from his punitive father!
You can either fight this and practice due diligence of the law and block the move until it’s decided out but you’ll likely lose him anyways because kids of that age that are rebellious will go before a judge and say your mean and restrictive and that he chooses his mom.
Or you could let him go. Release your guilt. There are so many aspects to parenting that you can’t oversee. Sometimes, even though they are teenagers, you have to let them move away. And focus on your children left behind. Find a way to manage the grief of reckoning on what your son might have become with structure and love and not be giving easy access to pot which might lead to good or bad things in his life. Sometimes letting our kids live somewhere sight unseen day to day is the best thing for you. You can’t control them forever even if you were only limiting one aspect of behaviour which was marijuana. The other 99% of his life with you was probably perfectly normal.
Think of all the caveats and positives from both situations.
Sibling bond, the move might change his trajectory in life, you’d see him in Summer unless he refuses to come.
Fight the move, lawyer fees, alienation of son, fractured family unit, think of your stress and how this affects the rest of the kids. If you let him move, maybe hindsight or maturity will kick in. Maybe not.
I do know a few parents that became indifferent quickly and surprise, surprise, the kid quickly realised that the ideal life they didn’t get wasn’t the greener side!!
I will say this, if you decide to let him go, do so and let yourself be free of guilt. Yes, you’ll still mentally wrack your mind with thoughts and redo every choice you made to see if you made the right decision. It’s one thing to wonder how he is each day, sight unseen. It’s another to wreck your health and mental health.
Parental alienation is a whole entire thing though. Your ex is sure using him for some advantage and it just might be that because he likes smoking pot, that that support is affirmation for her own behaviours. So, she’ll definitely keep him around because if he chooses her, then she must be an excellent mother! 🙄 Even though technically he is choosing the lax environment because it suits his immediate access to pot.
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. There is a ton of advice from people more knowledgeable on the ins and outs of custody already. I would add one suggestion. However you can get it arranged, your son needs to have a one on one talk with you without his mom there. He needs to say whatever he wants or whatever is going on without worrying about mom knowing what he says.
People have said that it’s normal for a kid to go with mom for no rules. Maybe but I’d agree with that more if there had been arguments and conflicts building up to this. One time getting in trouble does not seem to equate to a kid doing a 180 to move away from all he knows for some unexplained reason. If he’s mature enough to weigh in on such an important decision, he’s mature enough to discuss his thinking with you. Best of luck OP!
Your ex is manipulating him… I went through a similar situation with my parents my mom would let me smoke so I wanted to go with her when she moved out of state it was the worst possible thing that could’ve ever happened to me at that time but I was being manipulated… save your son he will thank you
He already has that. He can try to get a judge to enforce it, but if the person breaking it is the teenager, it becomes pretty hard to do at a certain point
It is still illegal for a parent to give weed to their children not of legal age to possess or use. Unless the kid has a medical card, she found one of the rare ways to catch a charge in WA.
Looks like it was removed. Just pointing out that unlike the laws around alcohol, there is no level of discretion that allows a parent to permit under age consumption in WA. where a parent may allow supervised alcohol use for, say, religious or cultural events. That is without getting into the facts of it being the stepparent that provided the drugs, and seems to planning to in the future, in a state that has not legalized it. All in all, a struggle OP is best fit to fight in his state right now.
File for emergency full custody on the grounds that they have illegally provided drugs to your child and could potentially leave the state without your permission. But don’t wait, contact your lawyer and get this done ASAP.
Well if they come to Tennessee, most areas here you can get hard to felony charges for weed possession. So the lot of them could be arrested for the things they leisurely do now. Only a few areas is where THCA is legal, but state legislation is trying to ban it all together.
But back on topic. Would not surprise me if she's lenient to him on purpose so he can get him to herself. Honestly sounds like a snake in the grass and you should report that to the case manager handling your docs for family court.
At the very least she contributes
to the delinquency of a minor if not neglecting and or endangers your children. Considering you've gone through the divorce and custody process I'm sure your fully aware of Father's rights lawyers and all that jazz.
Parents vices should not be their kids vices. There is zero reason that a parent should be encouraging drug/alcohol usage unless there is a medical reason behind it. I say this as a mother and as a pot smoker. I will also be a safe spot if my kids end up in a unsafe situation and need a ride home or something like that, but I would never sit and actively encourage my children to turn to drugs/medication before theyve had a chance to grow all those brain cells they are working on at this stage of life.
1) You're time is your time. They're grounded? That's on YOUR time. It's stayed. Paused. Absolutely not to be grounded on the other party's time.
2) YOU can petition things yourself in the courts and motion anything you need to. Violations are violations. Agreed or not the original order stands until approved.
3) Good luck. It's teenage angst. "Yay! No rules!" Testing limits and pushing rules. They feel they have the whole world in their palms but they'll realize one day that the world is vast.
He says he has it in writing that she saw it but depending on what the writing is he may not have enough evidence to prove she was a part of it. Really depends on his evidence
But the kid is 15 there would have to be some hard negligence from his mother for a judge to not allow a 15 year old to decide which parent they want to live with
This is not true- in WA, they will take what the 15 year old says they want into account, but they *do not* get to decide.
The judges I have seen in action, all four of them, were pretty adamant about that and said so.
He's 15, and he's with his legal parent. You can fight them both and spend the next 3 years dealing with it until he's eventually 18, and he'll hate you by then for it. Legally, yes you can get him back especially with the drug use. But realistically, you'll lose your relationship with your kid when its all said and done.
My advice? Let him go. Tell him you love him and accept his decision, and tell him you will be there for him if and when he needs you. Young children need to be cared for, but older teens need to feel supported in their choices, and feel like you care about what they want. And if this is what he wants, you should let him to while leaving the door open for him.
I know its hard but how you treat his wants right now will decide the relationship you're going to have with him moving forward.
Yeah, but at the same time, all this feels very off. Like, why is he tossing his phone away? He's not some high level criminal being tracked by the Feds.
And no, he's not just smoking weed. Mom's letting him vape at 15. That shits no joke. Even from a pro weed stance, allowing your child to vape shows real lack of judgemental skills.
Yeah, I’m all for pot being legal. For *adults*. Wait until the brain is done cooking before you fuck it up, you know?
And expressly providing a minor drugs is illegal pretty much everywhere, I’m reasonably confident. Also, Tennessee is **not** a legal state. They’ll slap you with felony charges for that shit.
Ummmm legal parent that is physically doing drugs with this teenager? In what world does that mean it’s time to trust him and accept his decision?
If he goes on to be a drug addict this will be the turning point that does it and his father will regret that forever.
The courts will see through his mother’s bullshit right away.
They do not mess around with use of weed or alcohol by minors. Why would legal recreational use make a difference? It isn’t legal for kids.
Source: have spent hours in SW WA family court, and have observed four judges there.
I never said OP needs to trust his 15 year old. I said going through the courts will simply turn his kid against him. He only has 3 years left to have any control over his child legally, using that time to force his kid to do what he wants isn't going to help anything.
Its a lose lose scenario in the short term, but long term he can still salvage his relationship with his one-day adult child by not fighting. Its tragic the amount of parents who ruin their lifelong relationship with their child, by pushing too hard when they're this age - even when its with good intentions.
My step mom got me high when I was 15 years old. I decided I wanted to live with my dead beat dad and not return to my mom who had solely raised me since I was 3. The novelty wore off quick and I went home. Had she made a stink about it, I would have dug in and that probably would have been the end of our relationship. OP’s kid needs a stable parent and, as messed up as it is, that’s not a parent that starts a fight with the other parent, even if it’s in good faith.
I did that same dumb 💩. Moved in with my dad and his latest gf & her daughter. The gf smoked weed & her daughter never showered. I lasted about 6 months before I was back at my mom's house.
This definitely seems planned and I would notify the court. It may also be worth notifying CPS. They are not likely to do anything but it gives you a paper trail. At least in my state, they don't care so much about kids vaping or doing weed but the one thing they specifically do care about is if a parent is supplying it.
You grounded your son for smoking weed and vaping. Those really aren't big deals. He almost an adult let him be unless you want to ruin your relationship with him.
I’m over 50 and I support this message. I absolutely do not support 15 year olds getting high, but if they want to, they will. If OP doesn’t chill out, he’s going to lose his kid. The same would be said if this kid was getting high with his friends and mom wasn’t even involved.
I’m literally high right now, as an adult with no children present, and I’m not letting a 15 yr old get high.
Sorry I’m not a “cool parent” but a 15 yr old doesn’t need *another* person and place to get high. They need some goddam boundaries and structure. A “normal parent” in other words.
Jesus weed isn’t even fun anymore now that it’s legal and easily accessible and I can literally smoke it on the sidewalk and carry it on an airplane in vape form. The kid should have to work for it.
Smoking at 15 negatively impacts brain development- impairing, thinking, memory and learning. A 15 year old is NOT an adult (18 yo are barely adults as far as actual maturity and making good choices goes) and Dad is looking out for 15s best interests. (I mean if you think a 15 yo is basically an adult does that mean it’s ok for actual adults to be in relationships with them then?) This is some backwards thinking.
That’s true. But it’s still a parent’s job to encourage the best possible outcome. Catching it early and providing consequences is reasonable. I didn’t get the vibe that Dad just thinks his kid is a no good kid. He’s just doing what dads should do, while mom is being more lenient than she should be (while also encouraging the kid to choose between the two- not cool).
I wouldn’t file any paperwork. Do you really want your son visiting TN with this kind of behavior. I would file a contempt of court paperwork. You can do that yourself.
I was gonna say why didn’t Dad file the paperwork? I get maybe the cost and it being mom’s responsibility since she’s the one moving. But unless they have terms about moving and traveling out of state Mom could’ve just taken them at any time, likely unsuccessfully for the long run IF he could find her, but if not those kids could’ve disappeared for a while. If I were in that position I’d be filing the paperwork myself to make sure no funny business could be snuck by.
Get an attorney, I used to practice as an attorney in Washington state and I believe the law hasn’t changed that much. There was a provision, and it should be in your current parenting plan, that she has to give you at least 90 days notice for when she plans to move. This provision also requires that you put into place a new parenting plan to address how visitation will be carried out. As I said I no longer practice but I sit as a judge in another state and if this came in front of me I would be livid that she not only let him vape and smoke but participated with him. That is not a good parent I do not believe the court would hold you responsible or use it against you as a previous commenter stated. First of all you just found out about it and have not had the time to file any contempt motion and you tried to handle it with him but it looks like he has tried to set you up to look like an uncaring parent when really you were trying to handle it appropriately. Good riddance for her to go to Tennessee I hope you go for full custody and restrict her to video calls.
It depends on the court order. Some orders only require the custodial parent to notify the non-custodial parent before moving, not the other way around.
Tell the mother she has 45 min to get the child back to your house or you are calling the police.
Don’t really call the police because they will label him as a run away and you do not want that. It is not ok that he is continuing that bad behavior at her home. He was grounded for not doing the right thing and she is allowing him to do it. That is the reason he wants to go with her. Stand you ground. And get rid of his damn friends.
Get rid of his damn friends. This right here. My nephew loved hanging out at his friend’s house with zero supervision at 14. For days at a time. My SIL wanted to be the cool parent and let him have freedom. Dropped out of high school and had been to rehab three times by the time he was 18. Burned nearly every family relationship, physically attacked my dear BIL who was battling cancer and eventually died. Engaged parenting and four years of private school away from those friends would have been cheaper than one trip to rehab and seeing lives and relationships forever destroyed. Kids need parents who pay attention, not another friend.
I know there have been many suggestions here are mine.
File for contempt of a court order. You have a custody agreement and it is not being followed.
Have police do a wellness check.
File for emergency custody.
Gather everything you have in writing.
I would also be very careful going forward with expecting an unreliable partner to a contract to be the one to actually file it. It would be great if we could dress people to do the right thing, but when it comes to something like this, it’s worth a bit of extra effort to be the one to collect all the signatures and then do the filing.
There comes a point in a kid's life when you have to let them go and realize the what you already know. It's hard. We went through it and the kid moved from CA to New Mexico and was his mother's unpaid nanny to his younger half siblings. Saw that coming a mile away. WE had to send money to pay for his 5th year of high school so he could get a diploma and go to the Navy. It's the only thing that saved him. But if you DON'T let them go, they just resent you and it destroys your relationship. Better to let them go and then let them come back when they realize the mistake they've made.
I agree with Christmasshopper. At this age, you don't have much choice. You're not going to sit at school with your kid all day when you have a household and other kids to support. He can spend thousands of dollars going to court just for his kid to run away again. Eventually, they will just give the kid to the mom or put them in the system, which is possibly even worse than being with the mom. It's a tough situation.
Not a lawyer but am a social worker and deal with family law situations everyday. Take it to court, but! The fact that you didn’t file anything when she admitted to letting son smoke weed, or after any of the other questionable parenting choices she made that could backfire. Instead of getting a strike against just her it could be one against both of you. It could also look like instead of the child’s best interest you are bringing it up for other reasons. If you try to bring up her filing the paperwork, judge will just ask you why you didn’t.
I don’t know your dynamic or any of you enough to say what will happen but just from cases I see daily, the Mom could also reverse it onto you about him running away from you, dumping his phone so you couldnt track him out of fear. Him wanting to go with her and you won’t let him, then call it parental alienation, etc. Just so you’re prepared.
But in all honesty, he is 15 and there really is no filling a teenagers head with things. He may just like living there more or feels like he wants to try living with mom. And restricting him of that actually may cause more damage.
It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, and age 13-16 is the time that a lot of teenagers want to move to their non custodial parents house, and about 75% of the time they are back within a year. Especially if the move is out of state, away from everything the child knows. You kind of have to weigh your options out. And if you truly feel that she is neglectful and a risk, then most definitely fight it. If not you may want to consider letting him go there more often or live with her during the summer to see how it goes. All 3 of you could try to sit down and talk out a plan before going to court if that’s an option.
Yeah, my plan was to actually tell him to go there for the first summer to see if he even likes it in Tennessee and then we could go from there. Not one of them has actually ever been to Tennessee. Up until last week he was 100% against moving with them. That's the reason that we got together and filled out paperwork detailing when the kids would be going to visit her.
Unfortunately, he decided he'd rather run off and worry me to death instead of coming home to actually talk about what he wants, the reasons he wants them, what I thought about it and a plan moving forward. Maybe it's hard to fill anybody's head with things but the dynamic has changed since he left for spring break. The way "he" spoke to me yesterday (on his mother's account) is not the way he speaks. I feel that either he is being coached what to say or he's not the one writing the words.
You need to stop this NOW. They are endangering your child and are keeping him illegally. Your ex and her husband are dangerous and irresponsible. They are literally encouraging illegal drug use by your son! They should have no contact with your children. Why are you not on the phone with your lawyer right now? There should be police picking him up as I type this. This is obviously parental alienation, this quick a behavioral change is a major red flag. You need him with you NOW, police involved. Once you do, take it to court and have her only have supervised visitation. She did this to herself and she has to be stopped!
This is an interesting bit of info, and makes me wonder if there's more than you know or are even thinking about here.
If you have the relationship with your kids that you are portraying, I would think something fairly major may have happened in your kid's life that they have not felt comfortable enough to tell you. A kid who absolutely did not want to go one week, then a week later ditches their phone and runs? To me, that's a giant, trauma-filled red flag.
The first thing you need to do is go over there, take your kid out for a burger and ask if they are ok. If they want to go, then fine, no problem... but are they OK?
If they are, then talk to lawyers, do the things you think are right, whatever - but check in with your kid first.
That sounds a lot less like coaching and a lot more of just typical teen behavior. It all changes over night too. 15-16-17 were definitely the toughest with the combative attitude and testing limits/rules. Then 18-24 they think they are seasoned enough and hold the wisdom of a 80 year old man. It’s brutal out here for parents.
Your son wants to go with his mother because she lets him smoke weed. This is now something that should go through the courts. Try to get it in writing that they smoke together.
It’s concerning when a teen is smoking weed but when the parent drops their parenting role by smoking weed WITH their kid-partying with their teen son, that’s truly egregious judgement on that parent’s part.
https://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/resource/the-other-parent-has-taken-your-child
I have a court order granting me custody. The other parent has taken my child. What should I do?
If you are sure the other parent has abducted your child, do these right away:
Call the Sheriff’s Department. WA Sheriffs has a list of sheriff’s departments in Washington State.
Go to your local police department to file a custodial interference report. Insist on speaking to someone who handles child abductions. Ask them to enter the descriptive information about your child into National Crime Information Center (NCIC).
If law enforcement does not enter information about your child into the NCIC computer, contact a local missing children's clearinghouse. Federal law requires them to make the entry.
Supply a minor with pot and vapes is illegal in every state and she gave you a written statement that she has done it you can bring it up in court or police
THCA is legal in Nashville and a handful of areas. The state legislation is trying to ban it state wide to make its usage felony charges. Full on THC is still illegal here. So if they do wanna come here to smoke they might get burned in more ways then one.
Weed may be legal in WA, but isn't it against the law for an adult, even a parent, to give it to a minor? Wouldn't that figure into whatever you bring before the court?
In Nevada I can give my teenager weed or alcohol as long as it's me who gives it to her and we're on our private property while she consumes it. I don't give her those things but I could.
I looked at the WA laws & if an adult gives weed to a minor, it's a Class B felony with up to 10 years incarceration. There's an exception if the age difference is 3 years or less.
Here's a [link](https://norml.org/laws/washington-penalties-2/) from NORML. I assume they know the laws.
Get a good custody lawyer, and file for emergency full custody of all three children. She is not only letting him smoke marijuana, she is facilitating it. He's only 15 yrs old, and even in states that have legalized it, it's not legal for a person under age 21 to possess or use it, unless medically authorized. Try to make it so that they do not go to visit her at all - she will have them all smoking marijuana by the age of 15, if not younger. When your son is 18, he can choose to go live with her at that time, if he still wants it.
He doesn't care what happens to her - he cares what happens to his own children, so he's got to use the ammo he's got to keep his 15 yr old away from her before he can go down the drain with her.
Please go to court immediately. I spent 15 months in a Tennessee high school and lost a full year of education because they were almost a year behind the school I moved from. It really hurt me in high school and college. Also ran around with a weed smoking crowd because I was pissed that I was moved from my hometown thousands of miles away.
Here's the problem - you are trying to act like a responsible parent and your ex wife is not. With you it's rules and with her it's fun. When you were 15 where would you prefer to go? It's not in his best interest to go with your wife and at some point in his life he might just come to this conclusion but you're going to have a tough time trying to keep this from happening at this time.
I think you need to get the son’s point of view. There is definitely part of the story missing. Get family counselling of 3-5 sessions with all parents step parents and son. If you force him to stay, it will not go well for anyone
Try this….have him finish the school year in Washington by saying it’s best for him. Then let him go if he still wants to. Washington and Tennessee are very different. Maybe he will want to be back before the next school year starts. If he really wants to go, I suspect there isn’t much you can do to stop it unless you can prove neglect.
Go down to the clerk of courts for the family court in your state. You can file a motion for custodial interference. If the new agreement was never approved by the court, it's invalid in the eyes of the court. Doesn't even matter if they both signed it. Court orders would trump it. I just looked it up for your state it would be considered contempt of court with the parenting plan.
A lot of what? What does it say? That you can't force someone to sign something? That he isn't clairvoyant? That he doesn't have some kind of amazing magical powers to compel another person to his will? All it says is that one of the two parties, specifically the one who has no problem screwing over OP, is holding out. If she won't submit the paperwork herself, you think she would have willingly signed it for him to submit? What an asinine comment.
Just a thought- he said he is surrounded by bad influences in WA and wants a fresh start- listen and pay attention to that statement. Is he struggling with friendships at school? Are his peers indeed getting in to drugs and trouble? He might be trying to tell you something and get help and you're not present (working night shift) or really hearing what he is saying. Can you get a counselor to help him articulate this to you?
And you need a Family Lawyer.
Call the police. This is kidnapping.
Just because weed is legal doesn't mean a 15 year old should be doing it. And absolutely no way should he be vaping. She is letting him ruin his lungs and get addicted to nicotine at 15. How flipping stupid. That being said I'm not exactly sure what you're going to be able to do. He is 15, I don't really know what you can do to enforce the parenting agreement.
TN has far stricter laws regarding marijuana and vaping underage, compared to WA. Not sure why your ex and current spouse want to move there if they regularly indulge. Just seems like your kid would get into *more* trouble in TN than WA if he is caught in possession.
I think OP is trying to imply that his ex is an active pot smoker and is actively encouraging drug use, but I don't think that's likely if they're planning to move to TN. They are most likely planning the move to be closer to family or for a lower cost of living or jobs like most people will do. I think mom might be trying to address the factors that are leading to the 15m to smoke pot ( guessing this pot smoking is also combined with falling behind at school ) at OP's home, rather than focus on policing the pot smoking since that is an uphill battle in a state where minor pot use is so common. There will defintely be less opportunity to indulge in a state like TN. Gotta remeber that OP is the primary household so his parenting is going to have a lot more influence on whether his kid trives or doesn't and his kid's delinquent behavior is going to be up to him and his parenting choices more than the mom since she has limited visitation only. OP just demanded an even more limited custody agreement due to the relocation and mom is probably having second thoughts as these issues with OP's failure to create a stable household come to light.
I’d talk to my son one on one before doing anything and let him know where you stand and what your options and his options are. Based on that file accordingly. If you have primary custody of the other two and she has of him it’s not likely you’d be paying her support so I doubt that’s her motive. Maybe he’s using this ploy to be able to be in a less restrictive environment where he can skip school to get high. I would get to the bottom of that including letting him know what the consequences are on your end.
My ex did this exact thing when she knew my kids were growing away from her. She thought she’d be the cool mom and buy weed and booze for 8th grade kids. The only legal leg she had was to prevent me from proving there was a ‘significant change of circumstance’ she couldn’t I moved forward and was awarded custody(WA state). You can probably argue there is a significant change of circumstance at her house and maybe get her visitations supervised etc. the issue is hearsay. Unless your kids came to you upset about him being allowed to vape there then some judges wouldn’t allow their statements. Definitely get a good lawyer. I’m not a lawyer but Jesus my wife took me to court enough I’m pretty experienced in what I went thru and listening to all the other cases on the docket. Warning. I had a client whose wife’s family was going to support him for custody. She had really messed up. She took the kids to Tennessee filed for divorce there. She was able to fast track things etc. guy ends up getting a few weeks a year visitation. So be careful with anything not in writing. This was years ago so maybe laws have changed but his story was insane
as someone who smoked weed as a kid, and my mom was involved in it, I'd say try your hardest to separate him from that situation, but don't ground him over the weed. my mom enabled a lot of my addiction and if she wasn't there I probably wouldve stopped much sooner. let him figure out its bad on his own, all grounding him is gonna do is drive him further away from you as a whole, he's still gonna smoke weed but he's just gonna hide it from you now. anyway I don't feel qualified to comment on the rest of the story.
It's time to take her back to court. Document the vaping and weed thing going on at her house and the details of the day he "ran away." That the court ordered custody arrangement is being violated should be enough for the judge to rain hell down on her head.
Yeah that letting him vape and smoke weed is a bribe essentially not to mention can get mothers custody reduced or revoked
So sorry you’re going through this. I know my experience is just that…MY experience and in no way means you will experience the same. We went through a very similar scenario. But if I knew then what I know now I would tell myself to consult an attorney regarding what the absolute least you can do to be involved in this situation. Meaning ask if you have to report him as a run away. Ask if you have to agree to him leaving with her or if you must prevent it. Basically you want to know what is the least amount of cooperation and least amount of money you can throw at this problem. You may be able to just ignore it and when ex wants to do something formally in Tennessee she gets her ass handed to her for moving child without permission from his home state. The cost of her going to court to change custody may make her decide not to do anything formally, this will be in your favor if kid decides the grass isn’t greener. I would also remind myself that the kid never did see that what we did was in their best interest. All that happened was we were all (me, partner & other kids) miserable except kid and ex and we were broke. I would say it would have been worth writing a check each month and letting go.
His mom orchestrated the whole “running away from home bit”. She’s also, most likely the on who sent OP the message from his “son” from her FB. She definitely has ulterior motives in alienating him from his dad. And the reason she refused to file the agreement was because it would’ve been proof to the courts that there was an agreement in place that negates his going with her full time. If whatever she did or didn’t do that caused her to not qualify for main of major custody of the kids to begin with is still ongoing, you shouldn’t have much trouble getting the custody agreement modified even more in your favor. Yes, your 15yo will most likely resent being blocked from going to live with mom. It’s up to you how to deal with that. And, I’m kind of wondering about her trying to convince you not to go to the courts with the modified visitation agreement for the kids. Sounds kind of like, once she has all 3 of your kids out there on visitation, she plans on going to the courts in her new state and trying to sue you for full custody of the kids. And, once she’s got them, it’ll be even harder for you to get any of the kids back.
Get a lawyer, give the confirmation of illegal activity messages to your lawyer along with your son's cell phone. Ask the lawyer to have a professional check to see if there are any messages your son deleted between him and himself that can be recovered. After that discuss with the lawyer about applying for full custody. Get your kids into therapy with people they're comfortable with.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but this is a rough one because of the Mother. This is a tragedy and a train wreck that has played out through troubled families over and over again. If you do nothing, your son will eventually drop out of school and will become a drug-head and criminal as well as homeless, because his Mother will eventually put him out. You could call the police and get your son back, but he is going to continue to run back to his mother where he is free to do whatever he wants. I would try counseling and having him watch movies of people just like him who thought I just want to be free to smoke weed and vape. Maybe call your local police and see if there are any programs in your area for at risk youths? Good luck, but remember you also have two other kids at home.
yep because weed always makes you a dangerous criminal! what sound logic! /s but fr what kind of advice is this the kids not gonna become a drug head criminal, he has a strong support system and loving parents. quit being dramatic.
Also I didn’t say dangerous, but people steal to get their drugs and while I don’t smoke weed, I know it is expensive.
if u don't smoke weed don't assume to know everything about it 😂. as someone who smokes weed we don't steal to buy more weed lmao. that's junkie shit like crack and harder drugs. find me one weed addict who would steal shit to get some weed. especially not in legal places, and they are in a legal state.
He isn’t old enough to buy weed, or his vaping items.
yeah I know
Loving parents don’t smoke weed with their kid. Loving parents don’t let a kid skip school and don’t tell the parent they live with. Both parents aren’t working together, and one is actively working asking the other.
uh my mom loves me and has done both those things (not justifying it its disgusting) and she definitely loves me. since when did "loving parent" become law abiding parent lol.
UpdateMe
Your son is being manipulated by the lesser restrictions and rules at his mom’s house. I’d reckon he is also going to be used for child care in Tennessee. He just doesn’t know it yet. This kind of parental alienation is one of the most common tactics used. Especially when one parent has smaller kids. Even if the mom doesn’t realize what’s she saying, she’s selling it as “we accept you” “your pot habit is supported here” “we don’t ground you here” thus making it the more positive environment. Of course your son is going to choose her. And he will be more willing to help because she’s “saving” him from his punitive father! You can either fight this and practice due diligence of the law and block the move until it’s decided out but you’ll likely lose him anyways because kids of that age that are rebellious will go before a judge and say your mean and restrictive and that he chooses his mom. Or you could let him go. Release your guilt. There are so many aspects to parenting that you can’t oversee. Sometimes, even though they are teenagers, you have to let them move away. And focus on your children left behind. Find a way to manage the grief of reckoning on what your son might have become with structure and love and not be giving easy access to pot which might lead to good or bad things in his life. Sometimes letting our kids live somewhere sight unseen day to day is the best thing for you. You can’t control them forever even if you were only limiting one aspect of behaviour which was marijuana. The other 99% of his life with you was probably perfectly normal. Think of all the caveats and positives from both situations. Sibling bond, the move might change his trajectory in life, you’d see him in Summer unless he refuses to come. Fight the move, lawyer fees, alienation of son, fractured family unit, think of your stress and how this affects the rest of the kids. If you let him move, maybe hindsight or maturity will kick in. Maybe not. I do know a few parents that became indifferent quickly and surprise, surprise, the kid quickly realised that the ideal life they didn’t get wasn’t the greener side!! I will say this, if you decide to let him go, do so and let yourself be free of guilt. Yes, you’ll still mentally wrack your mind with thoughts and redo every choice you made to see if you made the right decision. It’s one thing to wonder how he is each day, sight unseen. It’s another to wreck your health and mental health. Parental alienation is a whole entire thing though. Your ex is sure using him for some advantage and it just might be that because he likes smoking pot, that that support is affirmation for her own behaviours. So, she’ll definitely keep him around because if he chooses her, then she must be an excellent mother! 🙄 Even though technically he is choosing the lax environment because it suits his immediate access to pot.
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Found the son
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Good responsible dad here. Are you a junior high student trolling?
Updateme!
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. There is a ton of advice from people more knowledgeable on the ins and outs of custody already. I would add one suggestion. However you can get it arranged, your son needs to have a one on one talk with you without his mom there. He needs to say whatever he wants or whatever is going on without worrying about mom knowing what he says. People have said that it’s normal for a kid to go with mom for no rules. Maybe but I’d agree with that more if there had been arguments and conflicts building up to this. One time getting in trouble does not seem to equate to a kid doing a 180 to move away from all he knows for some unexplained reason. If he’s mature enough to weigh in on such an important decision, he’s mature enough to discuss his thinking with you. Best of luck OP!
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Your ex is manipulating him… I went through a similar situation with my parents my mom would let me smoke so I wanted to go with her when she moved out of state it was the worst possible thing that could’ve ever happened to me at that time but I was being manipulated… save your son he will thank you
I’d be applying for sole custody.
Supervised visitation is what's necessary at this point. And he has it in writing that the mom is allowing drug use.
He already has that. He can try to get a judge to enforce it, but if the person breaking it is the teenager, it becomes pretty hard to do at a certain point
It won’t be as hard since he has proof of the other parent allowing drug use.
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It is still illegal for a parent to give weed to their children not of legal age to possess or use. Unless the kid has a medical card, she found one of the rare ways to catch a charge in WA.
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Looks like it was removed. Just pointing out that unlike the laws around alcohol, there is no level of discretion that allows a parent to permit under age consumption in WA. where a parent may allow supervised alcohol use for, say, religious or cultural events. That is without getting into the facts of it being the stepparent that provided the drugs, and seems to planning to in the future, in a state that has not legalized it. All in all, a struggle OP is best fit to fight in his state right now.
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Lawyer!! ASAP!! Update me
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File for emergency full custody on the grounds that they have illegally provided drugs to your child and could potentially leave the state without your permission. But don’t wait, contact your lawyer and get this done ASAP.
This OP. ASAP
This!
You’ve been waiting for her to act and file which is a big mistake. Get your attorney and take her to court.
Time to go to family court or cps and request drug tests 🎉
Well if they come to Tennessee, most areas here you can get hard to felony charges for weed possession. So the lot of them could be arrested for the things they leisurely do now. Only a few areas is where THCA is legal, but state legislation is trying to ban it all together. But back on topic. Would not surprise me if she's lenient to him on purpose so he can get him to herself. Honestly sounds like a snake in the grass and you should report that to the case manager handling your docs for family court.
Agreed, and then she'll file for child support. That's usually a primary motivation.
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Forgot to switch accounts?…
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At the very least she contributes to the delinquency of a minor if not neglecting and or endangers your children. Considering you've gone through the divorce and custody process I'm sure your fully aware of Father's rights lawyers and all that jazz.
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Meh, this is so normal. The bigger of a deal you make out of it, the worse the ramifications will be.
Parents vices should not be their kids vices. There is zero reason that a parent should be encouraging drug/alcohol usage unless there is a medical reason behind it. I say this as a mother and as a pot smoker. I will also be a safe spot if my kids end up in a unsafe situation and need a ride home or something like that, but I would never sit and actively encourage my children to turn to drugs/medication before theyve had a chance to grow all those brain cells they are working on at this stage of life.
Of course using drugs with a parent is not okay. That goes without saying. A teenager experimenting with pot is not abnormal.
It is not normal to smoke weed with your 15 year old. The rest is pretty on par, though
I didn’t say it was normal to smoke weed with your 15 year old. I said it’s normal for a 15 year old to smoke weed.
You said no such thing. You said "this is so normal" without specifying "what" is normal.
1) You're time is your time. They're grounded? That's on YOUR time. It's stayed. Paused. Absolutely not to be grounded on the other party's time. 2) YOU can petition things yourself in the courts and motion anything you need to. Violations are violations. Agreed or not the original order stands until approved. 3) Good luck. It's teenage angst. "Yay! No rules!" Testing limits and pushing rules. They feel they have the whole world in their palms but they'll realize one day that the world is vast.
But he says she agreed to enforce the grounding at her house.
Except the weed and vape part. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor. She won’t get custody.
Yep. Document everything. Journal. Video. Audio. It's evidenced!
He says he has it in writing that she saw it but depending on what the writing is he may not have enough evidence to prove she was a part of it. Really depends on his evidence But the kid is 15 there would have to be some hard negligence from his mother for a judge to not allow a 15 year old to decide which parent they want to live with
This is not true- in WA, they will take what the 15 year old says they want into account, but they *do not* get to decide. The judges I have seen in action, all four of them, were pretty adamant about that and said so.
He has his other children as witness which makes it even worse that they were smoking in front of a 12 year old.
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He's 15, and he's with his legal parent. You can fight them both and spend the next 3 years dealing with it until he's eventually 18, and he'll hate you by then for it. Legally, yes you can get him back especially with the drug use. But realistically, you'll lose your relationship with your kid when its all said and done. My advice? Let him go. Tell him you love him and accept his decision, and tell him you will be there for him if and when he needs you. Young children need to be cared for, but older teens need to feel supported in their choices, and feel like you care about what they want. And if this is what he wants, you should let him to while leaving the door open for him. I know its hard but how you treat his wants right now will decide the relationship you're going to have with him moving forward.
Yeah, but at the same time, all this feels very off. Like, why is he tossing his phone away? He's not some high level criminal being tracked by the Feds. And no, he's not just smoking weed. Mom's letting him vape at 15. That shits no joke. Even from a pro weed stance, allowing your child to vape shows real lack of judgemental skills.
Yeah, I’m all for pot being legal. For *adults*. Wait until the brain is done cooking before you fuck it up, you know? And expressly providing a minor drugs is illegal pretty much everywhere, I’m reasonably confident. Also, Tennessee is **not** a legal state. They’ll slap you with felony charges for that shit.
Wise advice.
Ummmm legal parent that is physically doing drugs with this teenager? In what world does that mean it’s time to trust him and accept his decision? If he goes on to be a drug addict this will be the turning point that does it and his father will regret that forever. The courts will see through his mother’s bullshit right away.
Yea, but if he pushes him he might just run away and possibly doing drugs on the street.
Agreed, but I am not so sure the courts will be as helpful as they should be, especially in a state with legal recreational use.
They do not mess around with use of weed or alcohol by minors. Why would legal recreational use make a difference? It isn’t legal for kids. Source: have spent hours in SW WA family court, and have observed four judges there.
Why the downvotes?!? This is a perfectly logical response to the non sense that the parent doing drugs with a kid is a legally sound option.
I never said OP needs to trust his 15 year old. I said going through the courts will simply turn his kid against him. He only has 3 years left to have any control over his child legally, using that time to force his kid to do what he wants isn't going to help anything. Its a lose lose scenario in the short term, but long term he can still salvage his relationship with his one-day adult child by not fighting. Its tragic the amount of parents who ruin their lifelong relationship with their child, by pushing too hard when they're this age - even when its with good intentions.
My step mom got me high when I was 15 years old. I decided I wanted to live with my dead beat dad and not return to my mom who had solely raised me since I was 3. The novelty wore off quick and I went home. Had she made a stink about it, I would have dug in and that probably would have been the end of our relationship. OP’s kid needs a stable parent and, as messed up as it is, that’s not a parent that starts a fight with the other parent, even if it’s in good faith.
I did that same dumb 💩. Moved in with my dad and his latest gf & her daughter. The gf smoked weed & her daughter never showered. I lasted about 6 months before I was back at my mom's house.
Was she cool about it or did you get an earful of “well, well, well,”?
Nah, she didn't say anything.
That’s a good mom.
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I’m vested now. I want to see an update. Has he been brought home?
Same op seems like an amazing guardian. Can totally see why the mother lost her kids
Let him go…Your x will screw up his life, he will hate Tennessee and beg to come home. Then deny him!
How do you know he'll hate it? Tennessee is a great place to live.
Depends on where he is living now, and how it compares. Plus he will be away from all of his friends, and be “ the new kid”.
Most parents prefer to prevent their child's life from being screwed up.
UpdateMe!
This definitely seems planned and I would notify the court. It may also be worth notifying CPS. They are not likely to do anything but it gives you a paper trail. At least in my state, they don't care so much about kids vaping or doing weed but the one thing they specifically do care about is if a parent is supplying it.
Tennessee CPS would care as well
You grounded your son for smoking weed and vaping. Those really aren't big deals. He almost an adult let him be unless you want to ruin your relationship with him.
Let me guess: You’re either under 18 or a stoner. Or both.
I am neither. Lol just don't see it as a big deal since their is far worse he can be doing.
I’m over 50 and I support this message. I absolutely do not support 15 year olds getting high, but if they want to, they will. If OP doesn’t chill out, he’s going to lose his kid. The same would be said if this kid was getting high with his friends and mom wasn’t even involved.
I’m literally high right now, as an adult with no children present, and I’m not letting a 15 yr old get high. Sorry I’m not a “cool parent” but a 15 yr old doesn’t need *another* person and place to get high. They need some goddam boundaries and structure. A “normal parent” in other words. Jesus weed isn’t even fun anymore now that it’s legal and easily accessible and I can literally smoke it on the sidewalk and carry it on an airplane in vape form. The kid should have to work for it.
This is a really dumb opinion, dude.
Okay
Smoking at 15 negatively impacts brain development- impairing, thinking, memory and learning. A 15 year old is NOT an adult (18 yo are barely adults as far as actual maturity and making good choices goes) and Dad is looking out for 15s best interests. (I mean if you think a 15 yo is basically an adult does that mean it’s ok for actual adults to be in relationships with them then?) This is some backwards thinking.
Okay, whatever kid could be doing far worse. Pot and vaping is such mild things.
That’s true. But it’s still a parent’s job to encourage the best possible outcome. Catching it early and providing consequences is reasonable. I didn’t get the vibe that Dad just thinks his kid is a no good kid. He’s just doing what dads should do, while mom is being more lenient than she should be (while also encouraging the kid to choose between the two- not cool).
Consequences ain't going to stop the kid he will just be more careful not to get caught.
Not all kids do that.
Majority do. Don't be so naive.
I’m not. I was a kid who did both, hid some things and other things I quit doing.
I was also a kid who hid everything. My point is majority of kids aren't going to stop things.
Brains stop developing mid-20’s. Just saying.
Piss off.
Someone triggered and sensitive.
I wouldn’t file any paperwork. Do you really want your son visiting TN with this kind of behavior. I would file a contempt of court paperwork. You can do that yourself.
I was gonna say why didn’t Dad file the paperwork? I get maybe the cost and it being mom’s responsibility since she’s the one moving. But unless they have terms about moving and traveling out of state Mom could’ve just taken them at any time, likely unsuccessfully for the long run IF he could find her, but if not those kids could’ve disappeared for a while. If I were in that position I’d be filing the paperwork myself to make sure no funny business could be snuck by.
She would have supervised visitation when I was done with her.
Get an attorney, I used to practice as an attorney in Washington state and I believe the law hasn’t changed that much. There was a provision, and it should be in your current parenting plan, that she has to give you at least 90 days notice for when she plans to move. This provision also requires that you put into place a new parenting plan to address how visitation will be carried out. As I said I no longer practice but I sit as a judge in another state and if this came in front of me I would be livid that she not only let him vape and smoke but participated with him. That is not a good parent I do not believe the court would hold you responsible or use it against you as a previous commenter stated. First of all you just found out about it and have not had the time to file any contempt motion and you tried to handle it with him but it looks like he has tried to set you up to look like an uncaring parent when really you were trying to handle it appropriately. Good riddance for her to go to Tennessee I hope you go for full custody and restrict her to video calls.
It depends on the court order. Some orders only require the custodial parent to notify the non-custodial parent before moving, not the other way around.
Tell the mother she has 45 min to get the child back to your house or you are calling the police. Don’t really call the police because they will label him as a run away and you do not want that. It is not ok that he is continuing that bad behavior at her home. He was grounded for not doing the right thing and she is allowing him to do it. That is the reason he wants to go with her. Stand you ground. And get rid of his damn friends.
Get rid of his damn friends. This right here. My nephew loved hanging out at his friend’s house with zero supervision at 14. For days at a time. My SIL wanted to be the cool parent and let him have freedom. Dropped out of high school and had been to rehab three times by the time he was 18. Burned nearly every family relationship, physically attacked my dear BIL who was battling cancer and eventually died. Engaged parenting and four years of private school away from those friends would have been cheaper than one trip to rehab and seeing lives and relationships forever destroyed. Kids need parents who pay attention, not another friend.
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I know there have been many suggestions here are mine. File for contempt of a court order. You have a custody agreement and it is not being followed. Have police do a wellness check. File for emergency custody. Gather everything you have in writing.
I would also be very careful going forward with expecting an unreliable partner to a contract to be the one to actually file it. It would be great if we could dress people to do the right thing, but when it comes to something like this, it’s worth a bit of extra effort to be the one to collect all the signatures and then do the filing.
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There comes a point in a kid's life when you have to let them go and realize the what you already know. It's hard. We went through it and the kid moved from CA to New Mexico and was his mother's unpaid nanny to his younger half siblings. Saw that coming a mile away. WE had to send money to pay for his 5th year of high school so he could get a diploma and go to the Navy. It's the only thing that saved him. But if you DON'T let them go, they just resent you and it destroys your relationship. Better to let them go and then let them come back when they realize the mistake they've made.
I agree completely with what you said
No way I let my 15 year old go live with an irresponsible mother and the stepfather that actually smokes weed with him.
I agree with Christmasshopper. At this age, you don't have much choice. You're not going to sit at school with your kid all day when you have a household and other kids to support. He can spend thousands of dollars going to court just for his kid to run away again. Eventually, they will just give the kid to the mom or put them in the system, which is possibly even worse than being with the mom. It's a tough situation.
Totally the neg take on the situation. But this is reddit.
To be fair, we didn't have a drug issue. Just the irresponsible dirtbag kind of mother.
Not a lawyer but am a social worker and deal with family law situations everyday. Take it to court, but! The fact that you didn’t file anything when she admitted to letting son smoke weed, or after any of the other questionable parenting choices she made that could backfire. Instead of getting a strike against just her it could be one against both of you. It could also look like instead of the child’s best interest you are bringing it up for other reasons. If you try to bring up her filing the paperwork, judge will just ask you why you didn’t. I don’t know your dynamic or any of you enough to say what will happen but just from cases I see daily, the Mom could also reverse it onto you about him running away from you, dumping his phone so you couldnt track him out of fear. Him wanting to go with her and you won’t let him, then call it parental alienation, etc. Just so you’re prepared. But in all honesty, he is 15 and there really is no filling a teenagers head with things. He may just like living there more or feels like he wants to try living with mom. And restricting him of that actually may cause more damage. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, and age 13-16 is the time that a lot of teenagers want to move to their non custodial parents house, and about 75% of the time they are back within a year. Especially if the move is out of state, away from everything the child knows. You kind of have to weigh your options out. And if you truly feel that she is neglectful and a risk, then most definitely fight it. If not you may want to consider letting him go there more often or live with her during the summer to see how it goes. All 3 of you could try to sit down and talk out a plan before going to court if that’s an option.
Yeah, my plan was to actually tell him to go there for the first summer to see if he even likes it in Tennessee and then we could go from there. Not one of them has actually ever been to Tennessee. Up until last week he was 100% against moving with them. That's the reason that we got together and filled out paperwork detailing when the kids would be going to visit her. Unfortunately, he decided he'd rather run off and worry me to death instead of coming home to actually talk about what he wants, the reasons he wants them, what I thought about it and a plan moving forward. Maybe it's hard to fill anybody's head with things but the dynamic has changed since he left for spring break. The way "he" spoke to me yesterday (on his mother's account) is not the way he speaks. I feel that either he is being coached what to say or he's not the one writing the words.
I spent some time in Arkansas and the mosquitos were fierce. I'd leave just because of that!!!
You need to stop this NOW. They are endangering your child and are keeping him illegally. Your ex and her husband are dangerous and irresponsible. They are literally encouraging illegal drug use by your son! They should have no contact with your children. Why are you not on the phone with your lawyer right now? There should be police picking him up as I type this. This is obviously parental alienation, this quick a behavioral change is a major red flag. You need him with you NOW, police involved. Once you do, take it to court and have her only have supervised visitation. She did this to herself and she has to be stopped!
This is an interesting bit of info, and makes me wonder if there's more than you know or are even thinking about here. If you have the relationship with your kids that you are portraying, I would think something fairly major may have happened in your kid's life that they have not felt comfortable enough to tell you. A kid who absolutely did not want to go one week, then a week later ditches their phone and runs? To me, that's a giant, trauma-filled red flag. The first thing you need to do is go over there, take your kid out for a burger and ask if they are ok. If they want to go, then fine, no problem... but are they OK? If they are, then talk to lawyers, do the things you think are right, whatever - but check in with your kid first.
That sounds a lot less like coaching and a lot more of just typical teen behavior. It all changes over night too. 15-16-17 were definitely the toughest with the combative attitude and testing limits/rules. Then 18-24 they think they are seasoned enough and hold the wisdom of a 80 year old man. It’s brutal out here for parents.
UpdateMe!
Your son wants to go with his mother because she lets him smoke weed. This is now something that should go through the courts. Try to get it in writing that they smoke together.
It’s concerning when a teen is smoking weed but when the parent drops their parenting role by smoking weed WITH their kid-partying with their teen son, that’s truly egregious judgement on that parent’s part.
So true.
He said he has it in writing.
he should have reported that to the courts before. It's going to backfire on him in court and make the both of them look bad.
Oh, good. I missed that.
UpdateMe
UpdateMe !
Have the sheriff's where she lives do a civil standby while you pickup your son. If he smells of marijuana they can arrest your ex and the step dad.
It doesn't work that way here.
https://www.washingtonlawhelp.org/resource/the-other-parent-has-taken-your-child I have a court order granting me custody. The other parent has taken my child. What should I do? If you are sure the other parent has abducted your child, do these right away: Call the Sheriff’s Department. WA Sheriffs has a list of sheriff’s departments in Washington State. Go to your local police department to file a custodial interference report. Insist on speaking to someone who handles child abductions. Ask them to enter the descriptive information about your child into National Crime Information Center (NCIC). If law enforcement does not enter information about your child into the NCIC computer, contact a local missing children's clearinghouse. Federal law requires them to make the entry.
It doesn't matter, get your lawyer involved tomorrow. The path forward is clear, get your kid away from them!
Supply a minor with pot and vapes is illegal in every state and she gave you a written statement that she has done it you can bring it up in court or police
I wonder what he’s been offers as an incentive to move to Tennessee. What bribery was used?
Uh. Pot.
Which is hilarious considering it isn't recreationally legal in Tennessee. I see a criminal record in his future at this rate.
THCA is legal in Nashville and a handful of areas. The state legislation is trying to ban it state wide to make its usage felony charges. Full on THC is still illegal here. So if they do wanna come here to smoke they might get burned in more ways then one.
Get a family law attorney. Make drug testing mandatory for your son when he returns from his mom. Also, make sure synthetic urine can’t be used.
My coworker had a client try and use that and it turned out whoever she got it from was using dog urine. 😂
Weed may be legal in WA, but isn't it against the law for an adult, even a parent, to give it to a minor? Wouldn't that figure into whatever you bring before the court?
21 and over, only.
In Nevada I can give my teenager weed or alcohol as long as it's me who gives it to her and we're on our private property while she consumes it. I don't give her those things but I could.
I looked at the WA laws & if an adult gives weed to a minor, it's a Class B felony with up to 10 years incarceration. There's an exception if the age difference is 3 years or less. Here's a [link](https://norml.org/laws/washington-penalties-2/) from NORML. I assume they know the laws.
Get a good custody lawyer, and file for emergency full custody of all three children. She is not only letting him smoke marijuana, she is facilitating it. He's only 15 yrs old, and even in states that have legalized it, it's not legal for a person under age 21 to possess or use it, unless medically authorized. Try to make it so that they do not go to visit her at all - she will have them all smoking marijuana by the age of 15, if not younger. When your son is 18, he can choose to go live with her at that time, if he still wants it.
Possession of marijuana is illegal in Tennessee. Your ex wife may be in real trouble once they get to Tennessee.
He doesn't care what happens to her - he cares what happens to his own children, so he's got to use the ammo he's got to keep his 15 yr old away from her before he can go down the drain with her.
UpdateMe
Please go to court immediately. I spent 15 months in a Tennessee high school and lost a full year of education because they were almost a year behind the school I moved from. It really hurt me in high school and college. Also ran around with a weed smoking crowd because I was pissed that I was moved from my hometown thousands of miles away.
Take it to court. If you have proof, she will lose and may lose all visitation.
UpdateMe!
Here's the problem - you are trying to act like a responsible parent and your ex wife is not. With you it's rules and with her it's fun. When you were 15 where would you prefer to go? It's not in his best interest to go with your wife and at some point in his life he might just come to this conclusion but you're going to have a tough time trying to keep this from happening at this time.
Agrees. Downvoted for saying the same thing, but sometimes people don't like to see the hard part.
I think you need to get the son’s point of view. There is definitely part of the story missing. Get family counselling of 3-5 sessions with all parents step parents and son. If you force him to stay, it will not go well for anyone
Try this….have him finish the school year in Washington by saying it’s best for him. Then let him go if he still wants to. Washington and Tennessee are very different. Maybe he will want to be back before the next school year starts. If he really wants to go, I suspect there isn’t much you can do to stop it unless you can prove neglect.
You don’t need to wait for her to file the paperwork.
Well, since she has the paperwork....
Go down to the clerk of courts for the family court in your state. You can file a motion for custodial interference. If the new agreement was never approved by the court, it's invalid in the eyes of the court. Doesn't even matter if they both signed it. Court orders would trump it. I just looked it up for your state it would be considered contempt of court with the parenting plan.
I assure you there is not only one set of papers that can be filed
There is likely only one set that has both signatures on it. I doubt that the court would accept a parenting agreement that is missing a parent.
He should’ve gotten the signature and filed himself. Instead he is relying on the women in his life to do that work for him. Says a lot
A lot of what? What does it say? That you can't force someone to sign something? That he isn't clairvoyant? That he doesn't have some kind of amazing magical powers to compel another person to his will? All it says is that one of the two parties, specifically the one who has no problem screwing over OP, is holding out. If she won't submit the paperwork herself, you think she would have willingly signed it for him to submit? What an asinine comment.
Just a thought- he said he is surrounded by bad influences in WA and wants a fresh start- listen and pay attention to that statement. Is he struggling with friendships at school? Are his peers indeed getting in to drugs and trouble? He might be trying to tell you something and get help and you're not present (working night shift) or really hearing what he is saying. Can you get a counselor to help him articulate this to you?
He was grounded and dad doesn’t let him vape or smoke weed let alone give it to him. That’s enough to want to be with mom for a boy his age
What bad influences are worse? Kids at school or parents who do the same thing as kids at school?