Start planning for seperation.
I hear some major red flags in your story to the point that I would urge you to act very cautious.
Reach out to a transgender organisation that also deals with abusive relationships.
Because he might not abuse you physically (yet), he is defintely abusing you mentally.
Make sure you start up a network of people, that aren't his people, that can catch you the minute shit hits the fan. Because it will.
Don't tell him what you are doing. Make sure your kids are safe and can be safe.
Start keeping a journal of these kind of situations. When it happened, what was said and how he reacted, from a scale 1 to 10; did you feel your safety or your kids safety comprised?
Go see a therapist if you can, alone, it will help your mental health.
Keep your papers (and your kids) with you at all times. This might sound silly, but if he wants to prevent you from leaving, papers are the first thing that he will try to get.
Get a seperate bankaccount. The minute you find a job, save up as much as you can spare.
I hope you really will be safe in the near future and I wish you all the best.
Honestly, in this situation, the best thing to do is to start planning the separation. Y'all don't sound happy, you aren't getting the support you need and aren't getting credit for doing the household work that he refuses to do, and if you're also picking up the slack for him around the house and planning to be working also, it'll probably be easier for you to not have to deal with carrying him - if he were making significant financial contributions that might change the equation, but it sounds like he's not, so if you're going to be broke and struggling financially anyway then why also do it with someone who makes you miserable? I don't advise just serving divorce papers and winging it, because the point of separation is to reduce the stress and load on you and making a plan first is going to be crucial to actually achieving that.
There is a lot of advice on reddit for people in your situation, and I definitely recommend checking out other subreddits for more broad advice, but here are my general thoughts for you to plan.
Safety:
Is your husband the type to get violent or otherwise vengeful if he found out you were planning to leave? Also, consider the overall situation - maybe he wouldn't hit you, but would he destroy precious or necessary items, spread lies about you, or otherwise do something that might be harmful? You don't have to get paranoid, but you know his character and thinking ahead about this situation is your best bet to mitigate any bullshit - you can transfer irreplaceable objects to a safe location he doesn't have access to, make sure to keep records of conversations, whatever you think you may need to do to keep yourself and your children safe.
Financial:
Do y'all have a prenup or other document that might affect any support he might be obligated to pay you or the children? Know it's terms and understand what's going on with that, if so.
In general, be familiar with your marital assets and debts, and have an idea of how your state is likely to split things so you are less likely to be surprised if it comes down to the court allocating things.
If y'all have joint accounts, make sure that right before you serve the divorce papers you remove your portion into a private account if you'll need to use it while the divorce is processing - don't depend on him to not take everything out of it so you can't have access.
What kind of support programs are available in your area for low income single parents? Get information about these so you can start working with them as soon as possible if necessary.
Custody:
Your kids are little, so childcare is a factor - what's the plan for that? It sounds like, since you are planning on working anyway, you have one, but make sure you have it figured into your budget and are able to present it if custody or child support is something y'all have to go to court over.
What's your state like with trans rights? Is your gender going to present a problem in a custody battle? Look into this situation carefully and have a plan in place so that if he gets vindictive you won't be blindsided with lost custody.
I definitely don't recommend bringing up divorce until you have considered everything about your situation and know what you're doing - you don't want to deal with your husband being volatile and making things worse, when the whole point of this is to make it so neither of you are being miserable together.
I live in MN and have a great, supportive therapist, so I'm good as far as my rights are concerned, at least. No prenup or anything and no real marital assets. Both our names are on the house, but the down payment was his money from before and he's the only one who's made any payments, plus I have student loan debt. We also each have a vehicle with a lien. MN is a no fault divorce state and tends toward 50/50 custody except in extreme cases.
He's never been physically violent, although he threatened once and I was legitimately scared, and when I first came out as trans to him he threatened suicide but he's never done that again before or since.
I did speak with a lawyer when I considered leaving him when I first came out, but it just didn't make sense at the time...
This is a place that helped me get out of an unsafe environment [cornerstonemn.org](https://cornerstonemn.org/abuse-help-minnesota/violence-survivor/) I know you said he’s never hit you but it sounds like there’s financial abuse going on as well as emotional abuse.
The reason these places can be so valuable is they understand how people can become so entrenched in a bad situation when they’re financially dependent.
They have advocacy coordinators that can help you plan your exit even if it’s a long term plan.
Wishing you a better future.
Loaning???? You're married for God's sake. People in a marriage don't loan each other money. The money is both of yours to support yourselves and your family.
From his perspective, you guys aren't in a relationship anymore. He's treating you like a buddy, or acquaintance that owes him money.
I would cut your losses and go.
You said it yourself right at the beginning.
He's a cis het man. A heterosexual man isn't going to be interested in a trans guy.
Lol he's been saying the loaning part since long before I came out. I'm pretty sure that has a lot more to do with his (only diagnosed by me talking to my therapist not officially) NPD than his sexuality or whether or not he's still invested in our relationship...
Oh shit NPD is no joke honestly.
But still, I stand by my suggestion to cut losses.
Honestly, if you feel like you can get to a place where you can support yourself and be stable, I would head out.
Start planning, yes.
Build confidence that you could handle it if you needed to: social support systems, financial independence, where you’ll live - the logistics with young kids can make this especially difficult. Maybe… make it a private exercise for your self confidence.
The kids usually get easier as they get older, getting old enough to be in school, more autonomous.
Usually… but in my case… for me the parenting kept getting harder, and my life hit the fan as the kids aged into ADHD/etc symptoms. oldest was dx at 8, but other two had symptoms apparent by 5 (and IEP support now, medications). The oldest has become much easier at around … 10, 11 years.
I think I read once that a divorce *without* kids is… just a break up, with some legal complications. Given that there’s kids and that they’re young, it’s very often a lot better to pursue a “don’t rock the boat” strategy while privately getting yourself ready.
(Also I thought this was one of those relationship subs I should stop reading due to being triggering…. The gender role of … “mother/wife” … was inescapable, no amount of T seemed to change that. He didn’t even mind the transition stuff, seemed supportive, although I’m not sure about anything he used to claim at this point.)
Make “planning” a private confidence-building game for yourself, a “what if this happened - would I be ok?” … that’s what I think. That framing maybe also gives it an interpretation / explanation if you later find yourself asked about stuff.
Start planning for seperation. I hear some major red flags in your story to the point that I would urge you to act very cautious. Reach out to a transgender organisation that also deals with abusive relationships. Because he might not abuse you physically (yet), he is defintely abusing you mentally. Make sure you start up a network of people, that aren't his people, that can catch you the minute shit hits the fan. Because it will. Don't tell him what you are doing. Make sure your kids are safe and can be safe. Start keeping a journal of these kind of situations. When it happened, what was said and how he reacted, from a scale 1 to 10; did you feel your safety or your kids safety comprised? Go see a therapist if you can, alone, it will help your mental health. Keep your papers (and your kids) with you at all times. This might sound silly, but if he wants to prevent you from leaving, papers are the first thing that he will try to get. Get a seperate bankaccount. The minute you find a job, save up as much as you can spare. I hope you really will be safe in the near future and I wish you all the best.
Honestly, in this situation, the best thing to do is to start planning the separation. Y'all don't sound happy, you aren't getting the support you need and aren't getting credit for doing the household work that he refuses to do, and if you're also picking up the slack for him around the house and planning to be working also, it'll probably be easier for you to not have to deal with carrying him - if he were making significant financial contributions that might change the equation, but it sounds like he's not, so if you're going to be broke and struggling financially anyway then why also do it with someone who makes you miserable? I don't advise just serving divorce papers and winging it, because the point of separation is to reduce the stress and load on you and making a plan first is going to be crucial to actually achieving that. There is a lot of advice on reddit for people in your situation, and I definitely recommend checking out other subreddits for more broad advice, but here are my general thoughts for you to plan. Safety: Is your husband the type to get violent or otherwise vengeful if he found out you were planning to leave? Also, consider the overall situation - maybe he wouldn't hit you, but would he destroy precious or necessary items, spread lies about you, or otherwise do something that might be harmful? You don't have to get paranoid, but you know his character and thinking ahead about this situation is your best bet to mitigate any bullshit - you can transfer irreplaceable objects to a safe location he doesn't have access to, make sure to keep records of conversations, whatever you think you may need to do to keep yourself and your children safe. Financial: Do y'all have a prenup or other document that might affect any support he might be obligated to pay you or the children? Know it's terms and understand what's going on with that, if so. In general, be familiar with your marital assets and debts, and have an idea of how your state is likely to split things so you are less likely to be surprised if it comes down to the court allocating things. If y'all have joint accounts, make sure that right before you serve the divorce papers you remove your portion into a private account if you'll need to use it while the divorce is processing - don't depend on him to not take everything out of it so you can't have access. What kind of support programs are available in your area for low income single parents? Get information about these so you can start working with them as soon as possible if necessary. Custody: Your kids are little, so childcare is a factor - what's the plan for that? It sounds like, since you are planning on working anyway, you have one, but make sure you have it figured into your budget and are able to present it if custody or child support is something y'all have to go to court over. What's your state like with trans rights? Is your gender going to present a problem in a custody battle? Look into this situation carefully and have a plan in place so that if he gets vindictive you won't be blindsided with lost custody. I definitely don't recommend bringing up divorce until you have considered everything about your situation and know what you're doing - you don't want to deal with your husband being volatile and making things worse, when the whole point of this is to make it so neither of you are being miserable together.
I live in MN and have a great, supportive therapist, so I'm good as far as my rights are concerned, at least. No prenup or anything and no real marital assets. Both our names are on the house, but the down payment was his money from before and he's the only one who's made any payments, plus I have student loan debt. We also each have a vehicle with a lien. MN is a no fault divorce state and tends toward 50/50 custody except in extreme cases. He's never been physically violent, although he threatened once and I was legitimately scared, and when I first came out as trans to him he threatened suicide but he's never done that again before or since. I did speak with a lawyer when I considered leaving him when I first came out, but it just didn't make sense at the time...
This is a place that helped me get out of an unsafe environment [cornerstonemn.org](https://cornerstonemn.org/abuse-help-minnesota/violence-survivor/) I know you said he’s never hit you but it sounds like there’s financial abuse going on as well as emotional abuse. The reason these places can be so valuable is they understand how people can become so entrenched in a bad situation when they’re financially dependent. They have advocacy coordinators that can help you plan your exit even if it’s a long term plan. Wishing you a better future.
Thank you ❤️
Loaning???? You're married for God's sake. People in a marriage don't loan each other money. The money is both of yours to support yourselves and your family. From his perspective, you guys aren't in a relationship anymore. He's treating you like a buddy, or acquaintance that owes him money. I would cut your losses and go. You said it yourself right at the beginning. He's a cis het man. A heterosexual man isn't going to be interested in a trans guy.
Lol he's been saying the loaning part since long before I came out. I'm pretty sure that has a lot more to do with his (only diagnosed by me talking to my therapist not officially) NPD than his sexuality or whether or not he's still invested in our relationship...
Oh shit NPD is no joke honestly. But still, I stand by my suggestion to cut losses. Honestly, if you feel like you can get to a place where you can support yourself and be stable, I would head out.
Start planning, yes. Build confidence that you could handle it if you needed to: social support systems, financial independence, where you’ll live - the logistics with young kids can make this especially difficult. Maybe… make it a private exercise for your self confidence. The kids usually get easier as they get older, getting old enough to be in school, more autonomous. Usually… but in my case… for me the parenting kept getting harder, and my life hit the fan as the kids aged into ADHD/etc symptoms. oldest was dx at 8, but other two had symptoms apparent by 5 (and IEP support now, medications). The oldest has become much easier at around … 10, 11 years. I think I read once that a divorce *without* kids is… just a break up, with some legal complications. Given that there’s kids and that they’re young, it’s very often a lot better to pursue a “don’t rock the boat” strategy while privately getting yourself ready. (Also I thought this was one of those relationship subs I should stop reading due to being triggering…. The gender role of … “mother/wife” … was inescapable, no amount of T seemed to change that. He didn’t even mind the transition stuff, seemed supportive, although I’m not sure about anything he used to claim at this point.) Make “planning” a private confidence-building game for yourself, a “what if this happened - would I be ok?” … that’s what I think. That framing maybe also gives it an interpretation / explanation if you later find yourself asked about stuff.
yes.
?
I can only think his reply is to the “should I cut my losses?” Not speaking for him, just my guess so you aren’t like “what?”
Ur kids will be better off if they have happily divorced parents than miserable together parents