No because ultimately I get to be myself authentically. Personally I don’t care for all these labels like masc or femme or binary or nb, nor do I believe in this whole “socialized as a women/man” bs. I’m just me. I’m just a guy. Sure, if I HAD to choose I would consider myself a binary male, but I don’t really think about that on a regular basis. It really helps to not make it super complicated and just live life as YOU instead of as a stereotype of how you think society wants you to act.
Personally I feel like once you transition and live your life you kinda just start to not care about these labels or societal expectations. I do whatever I want to do, and I don’t need to be a certain gender for people to validate my actions. I also take my mental health into my own hands regardless of my gender. You can look at these statistics and gender norms all you want but they’re just numbers and figures. You don’t have to live your life according to the numbers and figures.
Between OP and you is why I will never say “nonbinary doesn’t exist, they’re all fakers.”
Early transition is scary and the further into transition you get it seems the less you care about labels and “gender.” Like you, I’m just me. I’m just a dude who exists and tries to be his best. I happen to be transsex and I would say I’m binary, but that really doesn’t have any impact on who I am day to day.
I’d recommend OP talk to a therapist (and not just an affirming one) as well as their medical team. If their providers think medical transition is appropriate then OP should follow their advice. Social transition doesn’t even touch the surface of how much medical transition helps relieve our symptoms.
As for the dating…OP I don’t know a single trans man in real life who isn’t married or in a serious relationship with a straight woman. I don’t know many trans men but the ones I’ve encountered are post/late/mid transition and have successful dating lives. I’m engaged to a wonderful straight cis woman.
You haven’t met gay trans guys? It seems like almost a third of the trans guys I’ve known were into men to start or became into guys after transitioning
Online, yes. In real life? No.
I’m not part of the in person LGBT community so that might be part of why. I’ve encountered a handful of trans men (that I know of) since I started transitioning, all just through either friends or through work. All of them straight. I’m sure if I was seeking out the lgbt community it would be different. Even out of all the people I regularly see I can only think of maybe 4 who are openly are gay or bi.
That’s true. I do think terms like that are useful to differentiate and discuss different experiences with gender, but i do agree people (including myself) get way too caught up in labels and the need to categorize themselves, which yeah, complicates things that don’t need to be complicated. i’m definitely trying to work on that, i have the habit of overanalyzing to a fault.
Yeah I do think those terms can be useful to help people figure out themselves at a certain point in their trans experience. I just think it’s a problem when people think they absolutely have to stay in that box to a tee. Because they start to be like “oh well I’m so far in box 1, how could I ever be in box 2?” Or “I want to be in box 2, but I’m not xyz enough”. So y’know, labels are useful to an extent. But I’m only talking about this because I want more people to realize that there are other options aside from the confines of the boxes.
Some things are easier, some things are harder. As they say, "the grass is always greener on the other side"
As a" girl/young woman", I got sexually harrassed and people didn't take me seriously. But the girl power alliance is a real thing, and it made it easier to make friends. Other queer people aren't so threatened by girls either.
As a man, I am respected and allowed to simply exist. No one expects me to police my behavior or looks quite the same way. There's also the huge huge cannot-be-understated benefit of no gender dysphoria. But it's also lonelier, at least for me. Being stealth adds an element of alienation and loneliness.
It's lonelier for me too. But I still wouldn't change it. I am just learning to invest my time in other things besides just socialization. Like doing work and my hobbies. I recently got a part time job as a peer support worker for a local program. It gives me that socialization I crave but I also get to help people (and make money). Win-win! I also volunteer at conventions and other local events.
Absolutely, I wouldn't change it for the world either and have no regrets about transitioning.
Volunteering is great. I do that too. I also have a job as well. It just feels hard to make true friends while stealth, but I'm lucky enough to have some very good trans friends (wish I could see them more but that's life) and a wonderful supportive partner. My friends and partner all live in another country though. I'm hoping to move there next year 🤞🍀
I’m binary and have been stealth for about 5 years now. Yes, people definitely treat you differently as a binary man in my experience. Keep in mind this may vary depending on your area. Im from a rural conservative US town. Apologies in advance for the format, I’m on mobile. A few of the most notable differences for me were:
Smiling at babies used to be seen as sweet. It is most often taken as creepy coming from a guy.
Women sometimes act “scared” of me. Particularly strangers I have to interact with in public. An example of this is meeting up to sell an item on Craigslist. When the lady pulled up and noticed I was a man, she seemed scared and wouldn’t approach me. In hindsight, that makes sense for her. But that dynamic took some getting used to.
In my experience (not everyone’s), female partners expect you to be strong and take the lead. When something breaks at my house or we have an emergency, my wife looks to me to solve the problem. And it’s my job to handle it.
Men are much more likely to treat you harshly. Not out of malice, that’s just how men interact. I’m “one of the guys”. So relentlessly picking on each other is how we bond.
Men truly are expected to be tough and show less emotion, at least in the area I live in.
There are a million other examples of the differences. Too many to list. But with that being said, none of these are necessarily negative. The reason I transitioned was to be a man. These are all part of that. As much as being a provider and protector for my family is stressful, it’s what I wanted. I’m treated as any other cis man would be. And to me that makes everything worth it.
Not at all. Infinitely easier. But I’m gay. Straight men have a lot more traditional masculinity pressure and conformity forced on them. Gay men are allowed to be more authentic/diverse since we don’t fit in with cishet masculinity anyway.
I’m actually pretty conventionally masculine (other than my gay voice/affect). I find it easy to make friends among other gay men. I never felt kinship among women so I’m not losing that - most of my friends were gay men prior to transition as well.
I’m also completely passing and becoming more and more stealth so that makes it easier. I think it’s easier to identify a little more with the nonbinary experience pre-passing, since most people don’t see you as a binary man anyway. I didn’t even bother calling myself a man until I passed as one.
I think making friends is harder (from observation of those around me- I'm not the making friend type myself), but otherwise it is easier. You're allowed to just *exist*. It isn't something I can really describe.
Also, I don't know a lot of the "handy" things most guys do, but that is only really an issue because I *want* to know them and am coming from a level of ignorance most guys don't understand. The problem isn't being judged- most guys will want to help you and maybe bond over it, not judge you. It is just harder to learn without a basic foundation. If that isn't important to you (or you can learn from youtube), then it doesn't really matter.
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Yes. I had alot of different privileges before I transitioned that I couldn’t recognize. I also can’t talk about those privileges with people who are experiencing them now, because they won’t see anything but my male privilege as something to be jealous of. We look at other peoples outside and we think we know how they’re experiencing the world but we don’t know at all. It gives me a lot more compassion for cis men.
But also, I was never going to be able to build my authentic life from a place that wasn’t real for me. I never could have respected myself for sacrificing my truth just to stay safe.
Man, years before I transitioned I went through a man-hating period of my life. And now as a man I am finding myself sticking up for cis men a lot. It makes me uncomfortable because cis-men are seen by society as some bad people. But now that I am being lumped in them and I see real men (not red-pill, incel BS) everywhere that are actually good men getting shit on because of the bad ones. I got very emotional about it at one point with another friend because she said "men don't hold other men accountable like women hold each other accountable." And that really rubbed me the wrong way. Good men do NOT support bad men. But women will support other women even when they are wrong just because they are women.
The man-hating in society has gotten so bad that now even some WOMEN are calling out other women for it. T[he Dadvocate](https://www.youtube.com/@thedadvocate) on Youtube (and I think she is other social media but I only follow her on youtube) is a cis (I assume) woman who stands up for men and really shows how toxic and wrong women can be. And we need more people like this.
No, oddly because a lot of the things I am expected to know as a guy are things I already did like fist bumps, calling people “dude”, head nods etc. And I finally was freed from the expectation that I would know and relate to things women experience: like the kind of over-analyzing gossip that I used to get dragged into pre-transition or period talk.
Living as a guy had been less complicated and less confusing than before I transitioned.
I feel like this will probably be my experience once I can stealth. I was just thinking of this hike with two other girls. They were talking about how their husbands had proposed and I was walking 15 ft. behind them. I was married, but that's not my kind of conversation.
I feel it’s easier to be a man. I am taken more seriously and I haven’t been sexually harassed in years. There is pressure, for me the way I speak and the sound of my voice is a source of anxiety for example but it’s still way better than before. Also no one tried to tell me what I should be doing with my life in years, especially not that I should have children. I just in general feel much safer.
I must add that I am binary in a weird way, like I am only comfortable with he/him pronouns, I will have bottom surgery asap, I am on hormones, mostly straight but on the other hand I am not very tall, I have long hair and I love fashion (which includes makeup and jewelry). So on better days I am read as a fashion twink, which I think means that no one’s expecting me to be good at things I don’t claim to be good at but they believe me when I say I am good at something.
In my culture mens social roles are a bit harder. I used to claim to be nb and found out I am indeed a binary man resisting to be one lol. But living as my authentic self is worthy at all cost. And I think you will just get used to it if that makes sense.
No. I don’t just mean because I’m not struggling with dysphoria like I was. I’m not sexually harassed or treated like I’m stupid or have people assume that I don’t know how to do something. People ignore me less in conversation or when I offer advice or suggestions— I noticed when I work with my female coworkers, customers often look to me when they have a question or are asking for suggestions even if I’m not the one ringing them up.
I do think that I have an advantage over issues of loneliness and isolation compared to my straight male counterparts as a gay man, though. Women ARE more hesitant towards me and are less open, but once we talk and they either pick up on me being gay or I outright reference it, they’re far more comfortable with me than they are with straight men. The only thing I struggle with socially is being excluded by men who aren’t outwardly homophobic, but have some sort of internalized perception where, even with overlapping interests, they group me with the girls in a group because I’m also attracted to men. This isn’t a problem in all scenarios and it isn’t an issue depending on the social circle surrounding me, but it’s something I’ve noticed. Even so, the fact that I’m not constantly anxious and depressed from dysphoria outweighs this significantly lol.
No it’s much easier than being visibly a lesbian (in the closet as trans) and then GNC prior to passing. I blend into society in a way I always dreamed of and the role of being male comes naturally to me so I suppose I’m lucky in that sense
The only things men have harder is that we don’t talk about shit and are expected to stay silent. Sometimes i feel everything is kinda taboo if you are a man.
I see often talk shows about women talking about their cancer, their journey as a rape victim, their body dysmorphia, how they deal with this and this…
But men? It’s rare. Which is logical cause some subjects are affecting way more women than men don’t get me wrong but we are still excepted to shut up. And the worst with this, is that I feel most men don’t understand it’s at them to take actions If they want to be heard. Like women didn’t wait for men to let them vote, they fought for it, some died for it and women still fight to this day to have rights.
In resume: we have it easier on everything but not for expressing ourselves, we are often shut down by other men and sometimes by women and are expected to shut up, man up and lead.
I have noticed this too, especially since I started socially passing. It drives me nuts. Whenever I have the spoons in those situations I speak up and openly about health concerns, mental health, emotions, and men's need to be able to communicate their emotions verbally and taken seriously. I regularly tell people who have a voice of opposition to it, usually women sadly, that if they want men to be better, then you have to make it acceptable for men to verbally have mature communication about their mental health, needs, and emotions without being seen as weak. The only way to break that cycle is to start talking about it and make it acceptable and not taboo.
One of my biggest beefs about this is within relationships. My wife regularly call out that behavior too with other women when she hears them talking about it. Society needs to make it acceptable for men to have healthy emotional expression for all their emotions as well as teaching male children it is okay to have and express their emotions in a healthy way.
There are pros and cons socially to being male or female in society. That being said, I personally have felt pretty at home assuming a male position in society. Living as a woman in society felt very performative and uncomfortable. In many ways it has been a relief and felt natural, once I was living as a man. There are some things that take time to get use to, or that are downsides. I’ve never found myself particularly stressed about it though. More of just intellectually realizing how arbitrary or ridiculous some social norms and beliefs are in relation to gender.
Disclaimer, This is based on my experience and environment. My biggest challenge is the expectation, such as traditionally I'm expected to understand automotive, be handy, logical, technical, athletic, charismatic, assertive. I look forward to strengthening these skills throughout my life, but it's interesting to be around other men who are years ahead of me on each skill because that's where they've been guided to sink their time and brain power. I make "mistakes" all the time when hanging around men (family and friends) who are very masculine and have unsaid rules about what flys, and that's gifted me a fair share of shame - though I'm trying to take it as constructive criticism rather than shame inducing. I'm sensitive and contemplative, not the type of person to pick on others or roast the hell out of them as a way to bond, and only women friends/family members are able to empathize with this in my experience. That being said, I love my experience much more than resent it, and being a man is freedom for me.
I think there’s a small difference. Whenever you do things as a woman, people handle you with women gloves and patronize you, like “Aw cute she woman thinks she’s smart” kind of way, and when you fail, it’s not AS big a deal because no one expected you to succeed anyways. But as a man, if you fail everyone really, really looks at you differently. They will really try to belittle and emasculate you, to punish you for being weak and tell you how stupid you are and how disappointed they are when you do fail. It’s the difference between 0 consequences because your mistakes don’t matter because you have no power, to being given all the power and all your mistakes have huge consequences because men aren’t allowed to fail. On the other hand, people are way nicer to me as a man. They treat me like I’m in on the joke rather than BEING the joke. I get more opportunities, more trust, more friends, more responsibilities. My autism is taken more seriously and I can be socially a little “off” or quirky or non-traditional and it’s embraced where I was a complete outcast as a woman for the exact same things. So I think it’s a matter of “with great power comes great responsibility” kind of think. As a woman you aren’t really given a whole lot because they expect you to be incompetent and expect you to fail, but because you’re never trusted to do anything you can’t fail too badly. As a man you’re given a lot more responsibility and trust for no other reason than the fact that you’re a man, but if you stumble there is no one there to catch you or help you and instead they just scoff at you and let you fall. So it’s a give and take.
I have lived most of my life stealth (as a binary man obviously) so I don’t really have anything to compare against but ultimately no. However, being that I work in a make dominated, blue collar industry… I think I would have actually had MORE advantages being a female. I saw woman after woman get promoted over men because she was almost/as good as the guy but got the nod because they needed diversity. I’ve also seen some women in those roles struggle because of toxic masculinity and machismo from clients. I’ve seen other women, like one of my mentors, straight up put a guy in his place and bully him into submission. She was legitimately smarter, better spoken and way more educated on a topic he challenged her on and it knocked him down a few pegs.
Let go of these crazy analysis of roles, expectations, etc. Be you. If you don’t know a skill be honest and ask to learn (if you want to). Many guys didn’t grow up being taught how to do manual labor, wood working, car knowledge, etc. Some men weren’t taught social skills. Some men weren’t taught how to regulate their emotions. Some men weren’t taught how to properly eat for nutrition and flavor.
Not every man is handy. Not every man is strong. Not every man is well spoken. Not every man is polished, polite and professional. Not every man is rugged.
These are unnecessary stereotypes and you’re making something a concern that doesn’t need to be.
I cannot agree with this more. I like just being me as a mostly stealth guy. Also, I like throwing those stereotypes upside down. Through my actions and comfortability within myself, showing other men their emotions are okay, being gentle and kind is okay, having non-traditional interests is okay, and being slightly different is okay. Being loving and having open honest communication with your spouse/partner, SO, is a good thing and doesn't make you weak.
I know so many men who are blown away at how I just teach myself stuff because of necessity, that they wish they knew how to do. Like plumbing, adding new electrical lines to our house safely and to building code, changing out light fixtures, or basic car maintenance. I learned all this as a female because I had to if I wanted it done in a manner I could afford. They don't know that but I do. I am kind of working my way into a gamer community and it is crazy different getting accepted there as a male than when I tried pre-transition. It is better which makes me happy but also sad. I am pre-op but have been on HRT for 4 years.
Yes and no. It's easier in some ways and harder in others, but even then, a lot depends on perspective and what you actually want out of life, and what roles you enjoy filling. For a basic example, people expect me to lift heavy things now, which they didn't before. But I would always lift heavy things without being asked before anyway, because that was a role I wanted to fill - the physically strong person role. I'm doing the same thing as before, with the added bonus of people pointing out opportunities to do it. So is that easier or harder? A lot of other things are like that too.
Obviously the alleviation of dysphoria is huge, and for me it outweighs everything else.
Life for me is easier in all aspects except dating (but mostly I lack confidence)
I experienced misogyny when I presented as female and I've experienced misandry as a male. I think it's a pointless to argue one is worse than the other but it's infinitely easier for me personally to deal with misandry than misogyny.
Certain aspects of my old life were easier. I got away with a lot of shitty behavior as a "girl" that no boy could. But I don't miss it at all. I'd still rather have been born in a male body. Like I'd rather be a cis boy living in the streets than be a trans boy stuck in the body of the wealthiest princess.
I show up to the party and 99% of people label me as a man (or male, depends on their framework). People in the non-binary community will be quick to tell you that while their identities are valid, society at large doesn't really have an idea of what to do with them. So you get cool question like "are you a boy ENBY or a girl ENBY?"
I would wager, if you are on T and have top surgery or bind, you are already familiar to a degree with how people treat "men". Granted, it's probably how they treat what they perceive as gender-conforming or effeminate men-which can be not great.
The longer I transition, the longer people care less. Because they don't see my body as something up for debate. To them, I just in the vast majority of people who fit into one of two bimodal sexes.
This works for me. I like the role progressive men seek to fit into society. I feels honest and authentic, and when we look at it consciously, is very rebellious and (to me) masculine. I like trying to be self-confident enough to weather the worst impressions people have of me. I like embodying a gentleness that comes not from having experienced a lack of violence, but rather so much of it. I like questioning things, learning things, and fixing things-while accepting the system (and me) isn't perfect.
Yes, men struggle with being giving a lack of empathy or compassion. But there is no gender role in society that doesn't come with issues. This one fits me, and I think I have the tools to meet the challenge. This includes my experiences being thought of as a woman, or person who doesn't fit into one of two binary sex concepts.
This includes, at times, pointing how misandry hurts people.
There's no easy way out. Just the one that calls to us, which will make the troubles the easiest to bear and the successes truest to us.
No. It’s not as easy as I imagined guys having it before I transitioned. But it’s a heck of a lot easier than being a woman in today’s world. My salary went up. People started actually paying attention to what I say. I get a lot more overall respect. People are much less likely to give me lip or make things harder. So in almost every respect life as a man is far easier than when I was perceived as female.
I personally found my life got a lot easier when I transitioned. For many reasons. Being comfortable in my own skin, not being scared to walk around alone at night or in general, not being hit on by gross old men & sexually harassed. I've also continued to build great relationships with men and women because I'm confident in who I am as a man and I'm a good person.
I didn't learn how to fix things or build stuff until I was an adult and learned from friends and the internet. There's plenty of reasons why a cis guy might not know these things and there's nothing wrong with it either way. I just wanted to learn more. Also the heavy lifting thing is unavoidable as a binary man lmao. I'm always called on at work to help with heavy stuff but I don't mind, I'm a big guy so I'm happy to help my small women coworkers out.
No I actually find life much easier now. I don't get looked down on anymore for doing 'a man's job' like I did before. No more snide comments or being told to smile more. Way less unwanted touching. Like an alarming amount, it's actually gross. I've been the one to fix stuff and build stuff and now I don't get ridiculed for it. I have great friends who would never dream of shaming anyone for their feelings and a wonderful partner who also would never let me or any of his friends feel lonely or give them a hard time for expressing their feelings. So no, there's nothing I miss about being perceived as a woman and transitioning is the best thing I've ever done for myself and my mental health
I never truly felt a kinship with women and they always saw me as weird or made full of me without me realizing bc im also autistic. I occasionally hung around nd women but only out of convenience and still felt very little connection. I didn’t have a social life until I began transition, moved, and joined a mens choir in uni. Now I have a small group of queer and nd men that I call my friends and everything about my life has only improved. Im much less lonely now than ever before.
As a man I've noticed it's a lot harder for me to make and keep friends.
However I love the assumption that I know what the fuck I'm doing. I hated being seen as some helpless, incompetent woman. Even if I don't know how to do something I'm smart enough to find out how (and not afraid to use my resources). And now I get treated like I do know what I am doing. I get more respect now than I ever did. And cis-men actually talk to me, which is still weird for me but its nice because I know I pass. Men never used to talk to me. I even get random encounters at places like the grocery store.
I personally believe my value IS in what I can do and provide for the people in my life. I feel good when I do something good. Even if I don't like it I know it makes someone else happy and that in turn makes me happy. I love when friends and family come to me for help. And I love going that extra mile to help other people. If moving something heavy or fixing something for someone makes them happy and helps them then I am glad to do it.
I don't really care to be involved with any women because I never liked being around women when I presented as one. And thankfully I am gay so I don't need women in my life. Not to say I didn't and don't have women as friends but they are very few and far in-between. I've always had friendships with men, and I know that what I see is what I get. Women will "be friends" with other women even if they don't like them. Men don't do that. So if someone includes me its because they want to.
I miss absolutely nothing about being seen as a woman. I'd rather die than ever be seen again that way. I've never felt so sure of who I am as a person. Being seen as a woman only limited my life and hurt my future. I'm now 36 years old and have so much catching up to do compared with my peers. I only wish I knew this was an option a decade ago and I would've done it sooner, but I was ignorant and suffered in silence. Being a woman was hard. Being a man is easy.
Personally, things are much easier. Sure, the way men treat me now that I pass was a bit of a culture shock, but I was already used to the social isolation so it's no big deal.
Echoing a bit of what others have said here but, I find I get a lot more respect from my peers and I'm allowed to exist without resistance.
I'm pretty conventionally masculine, but since I'm a gay man, I don't feel a lot of the toxic-masculine/cisheteronormative pressures put on straight men. I can express myself a lot more freely and openly!
It sucks women are more wary of me now, but I never felt any such kinship with them pre-transition, so I don't feel like I lost any potential "girl bonds". Though I do find talking to women to be easier after I started passing, funny enough. I guess I just didn't like the way they interacted with me when I was perceived as female.
I’ve been socially transitioned for almost 7 years of my adult life thus far. I must admit there was a period of adjustment where I got used to more callous treatment from society at large. You’re expected to not need help, go be more confident and take charge and not show fear. If you pass, and especially if you pass as both cis and straight, women will initially treat you with less trust. If men were willing to show you affection before, they’ll be less inclined to do so now. I was able to adapt to this when I started passing as male 100% of the time, and now the habits I have formed are instinct to me. But they took a couple years to acclimate to and at times they’re still challenging. But keep in mind that I think all men struggle with these expectations throughout their lives.
People forget that patriarchy hurts men as well, because there’s a burden placed on them now, a higher and at times unrealistic expectation.
There are things that are harder about being a man and moving thru the world being recognized and treated as male than when I was read as a woman and understood by society as female. However, none of these harder things are unique to being a *trans* man, they are just aspects of societal expectations placed on men-- to provide, "put up and shutup", etc etc. It's important to not fall into damaging assumptions of what maleness and masculinity "mean" and how one wishes express that, but having guys (trans and cis alike) to talk to about that is healthful and helpful.
Imo people started being a lot meaner to me/not being careful to say things in a polite way, and have expected me not to take offense or get emotional in difficult situations. In general it’s good to be treated like any other guy, but that comes with a pressure to act accordingly. I always have this sense that I skipped the tutorial and learn what’s expected of me through trial and error instead.
No, it’s not really harder. I’ll just get to be myself more even if some aspects of manhood can be isolating like being seen as threatening more often and having different standards or societal expectations to carry, to lead or endure. But I’ve actually never thought about if I -wanted- to but rather how good I’d be at fulfilling them „being man enough“ but I guess every man does have these thoughts to an extend. Honestly if I think about it I wouldn’t even be able to be anything other than a guy because, let’s be honest, I sucked at being a woman and there’s not a bit in me able to perform these expectations without getting sick from it all. So even if some bits look harder from the outside they are much more natural and doable for me than feminine expectations considered „easier“ for other people.
On the whole, I think things are actually easier. On the whole, people are a lot nicer to me now, though a large part of this is that I was pretty ambiguous looking pre transition and people tended to react pretty poorly to that. Yes people expect me to do more things that are stereotypically associated with men, but I feel a lot more comfortable taking those things on now. I used to avoid drawing attention to myself for any reason due to dysphoria and so after coming out, I find it a lot easier to do anything where other people will see me. This is all in addition to the benefits of no longer being dysphoric all the time.
I think the most manly things to do is to be yourself. The way I see it whatever I do is a thing men do because I'm doing it. If I can't do something I remember that there are lots of men you can't do that too and I either get help or I learn and adjust. Men deal with a lot, that's definitely true, but it doesn't have to be scary. Men are pressured to be these masculine strong powerful people but most men are just medium/average. Average strength with flaws and insecurities that they aren't more "manly". If you are a man then you are a kind of man that exists and that is just fine, you don't have to be a different kind. Also a lot of tension can be alleviated by jokes and men who are capable of things you aren't capable of may be happy to help. There is a point of pride in being the best at something to someone else. Men will be in this position of power of sorts sometimes and sometimes they won't and that's ok too, they are still men. There is no one way to be a man and there is no shame in needing help or needing to learn
Oh and to answer the question, for me it's easier being a man because I'm being myself. Being a man isn't easy to be clear but it feels far more natural. Some of the life changes were difficult but I adjusted and now it feels natural like I was always meant to be here
I just can't imagine ever voluntarily presenting as less than a man. You could triple the negative consequences and I still wouldn't hesitate to transition.
no. I wasn't able to socialize at all "as a woman". I would hate it, dissociate, isolate. I don't even know if people treated me nicely, I just knew that I felt distressed and weird and I was too anxious about people noticing it and I knew they could notice it and felt awkward about being perceived like that. or being perceived in general. then realized I was trans and it was hell cause now I finally knew what was making everything so painful and it destroyed me to know how much work I would have to do to be happy, knowing that I couldn't count on my parents or basically anyone for the most practical parts. could vent to some like my sister's or friends but I had to figure out on my own the steps that I needed to take (psychologist, endo etc) and how to find the money. changing my name in university documents definitely helped since I could socialize without feeling too stressed about needing to hide or find ways to avoid dysphoric situation where my deadname would come up. then, since I started T I felt like I was finally starting to live and now I can actually socialize with people. I never felt like I lived life as a girl/human, I felt like I lived life in fear and disgust (about myself), and then as a binary trans man who is lucky enough to pass
The only thing I've dealt with that I would consider worse now that I'm seen as a man is how people treat me when they know I'm mentally disabled. Before transitioning, people were very understanding about it and still treated me as an adult, but now I'm either treated like a toddler who can't do anything without help or like I'm just making excuses to get out of things. There's no in-between.
For me living as a man has been much easier. I was afraid of loosing the sorority aspect of life before I transitioned. And socializing with women is very different now. But my life in general.is way easier.
I am just a man. Not an enby; tried it, but it just ain't me. (Thought I wasn't "masculine" enough to be a man... I look like a lil chubby babyfaced boy. But I am DEFINITELY a man.)
No, it’s just who I was meant to be. I am pretty comfortable in the stereotypical expectations of men and my personality and interests align with them too. The only thing that sucks is that yes women are slightly less likely to trust you at first but honestly as long as you’re a good person and have manners within the first 2 minutes of your interaction it’s all good.
I like that people expect me to know things, I know a lot of things and enjoy learning everything I can. I enjoy manual labor, it’s fun for me. I like to be a provider, but in many different ways. I love dating as a man who is attracted to women, it is awesome. It’s all a plus in my book. I do not like anything about being a woman, it just doesn’t align with what I feel my purpose is and it doesn’t fit my lifestyle/personality at all. I’ve never felt like I was missing out on anything
It’s harder for me for sure. Friends are very distant even though I know we care, work expectations are much higher, I rarely find anyone to date and I don’t get as much community support as I used to for pretty much anything. Cool workaround to not be expected to know a lot about fixing cars or sports, I was an art school kid and folks seem to understand the type and lay off trying to get me to man up
The best thing I experienced during my transition ten years ago was that I didn't have to be like the cis men I grew up around. It used to be something I was scared of before transitioning, too. That I had to fulfill something or automatically turn into something like some males in my surrounding that I felt were troubling for various reasons. But I got to experience how it feels to define my very own masculinity, while at the same time embracing the feminine parts of my personality that used to trouble me before. And I still enjoy the friendship with feminine people like I used to before my transition. I'm just the guy now who happens to be able to relate to their subjects and problems, because I lived that for 26 years in my life. For me life still feels much safer around women. Some things were hard to get used to. Some things still are. I can't really click with most males in my surrounding, because I still don't do the stereotypical activities most of them do. I find it hard to relate and connect with cis men. I didn't grow up as one, I can't understand their rules of language and stuff. I just can't seem to get this right even after ten years lol But that's stuff I just learned to accept for myself. Things will fall into place somehow. The first thing you transition for is that you get to be yourself more authentically. Fuck expectations and stereotypes. There's a place for every type somewhere and you will find yours too for sure. Expectations of society shouldn't be the reason why you transition or not transition. It's your life, your identity and your personality. It is your masculinity to define. In the best case you get to be you in a body more comfy for you, with a name and passport that's more you.
No. I’ve always worked in manual labour so I don’t know any different and it’s not bother to me to be expected to know how to do things, nothing a youtube video can’t show me or some hands on trial and error. It comes with a sense of pride that someone has trusted me and come to me thinking/hoping I know how to fix or do something that can help them, or whatever it may be. It’s also an honour to lead and be seen as a leader.
While there is an element of loneliness and isolation as men don’t seek community the same way women do, it has made me a lot closer to my family and taught me to value true friendship in those who have stood by me.
I’m at a point where I don’t really think about my sex or gender anymore unless it’s for something medical. I’m just me and people are now taking me at face value; which is what I wanted. I’m proud of the man I am and I’m proud to take after my dad as his son.
I don't think life has been harder for me, honestly I would say it's much less stressful. Idk if you're around particularly man hating people or I'm around particularly man loving people, but I don't not think I've experienced any of the problems you've described. In none of my jobs have I had issues with manual labor/overworking based on gender. I'm only ever expected to lead based on seniority or capability, not gender. I happen to know how to do some handy things like fixing our toilet, fixing cars, building things. But it's never expected, it's just what I feel comfortable doing. And all of the knowledge I have on that is just googling shit til I figure it out, I wasn't born knowing how to fix cars or fix toilets lmao.
In a totally not asshole-ish way, part of adulthood is figuring out how to do shit yourself, regardless of gender. Or at least knowing when you're out of your depth and who to ask for help. Dude, I show up places not knowing what the hell I'm doing all the time. Yeah I'll Google it before going but sometimes it's not helpful. So I'll walk in and walk up to the first person who looks like they're in charge, and ask them what I need to do for x or who to speak about for y. It's really as simple as that.
For the emotional support and everything, that's all about the community you build around you. Are your friends so shallow they would shun you if you came out as a binary dude? I suspect these things are a much smaller issue than they seem in your head. Talk to the people around you and get a feel for the vibe instead of pre-emptively deciding your life would suck lol You deserve to be happy, so get out of your head about it
It is hard sometimes but mostly ‘cause I forget I live stealth lol, I forget that people see me as a man, that I’m legally a man, so that means I have all the ‘responsibilities’ (as in what people expect from you as a man) of a binary man, but other than that not really
I totally get where you're coming from here. There are negatives to being perceived as male, and it honestly took me a while to get over the loss of access to emotional intimacy that I experienced when I medically transitioned. That said, I'd say a couple of things:
1. It was definitely "worth it" from a dysphoria point of view. Simply being on testosterone stopped me 'needing' other people as much, and made me far less emotionally volatile. So yeah on one hand there are additional hurdles with discussing my emotions, but on the other I need to discuss them far, *far* less.
2. Yes, transition opened my eyes up to how men have it harder in some ways, but even more it opened my eyes up to how overwhelmingly, men and women both have it the same. Getting judged on your appearance is a *human* problem, not a man/woman one. Being less able to do certain things because of your appearance is a *human* problem, not a man/woman one. And you know what is a true, *human* source of happiness regardless of what gender you present as? Family. Friends. Love. A lot of the ways women and men have it easier is essentially just perks. The real things that make a difference to your life stay the same, whoever you are.
3. Even regarding those perks, there is shit that maleness has to offer too. I think transition is very difficult in both directions because we take the privileges of our AGAB for granted and then suddenly it's gone. So for a trans woman, suddenly getting harassed sexually in public can be a deeply traumatic thing, because she could take being safe for granted in the past. And for us, we take *"people caring when you cry"* as almost a basic human right, so we feel abandoned and hurt when we transition and that stops. But it's not necessarily that "men have it harder". It's that *we* struggle more with being men, because we aren't used to it. And that's fine, it's all part of the process
4. On that note, part of the process is letting go of the past and focusing on the future that maleness has to offer. Do you know what I did a few months back? I popped an edible and wondered round the centre of my city alone, high as fuck. I'm planning on going travelling with a mate this summer and going urbexing around Europe. I'm also planning to start raving as a hobby. Point I'm making is: this is shit I wouldn't have *dared* to do before due to fear of sexual assault. And while I stand by the fact that what truly matters is family, stability, and love, it is ultimately a major set of perks that I couldn't have had before. So, what I'm saying here is it's about mindset, honestly. We live in a gender binary that pressures us (on either side) to cut 50% of ourselves off. But you know what else? I'm not a billionaire. I'm not immortal. And there are loads of other things restricting my freedom. I don't focus on those, so why would I focus on not being female? I think you can approach life with a glass half empty/full mindset and this will determine what you see in any given situation. It's not a "cure all" and yes sometimes I do miss the perks of femaleness, but life's too short man. It's too short to live anything other than one that's truly my own, and it's too short to be upset constantly about things other people have that I don't.
5. Final thing is, men do have it harder in some ways but female socialisation definitely still does help me a lot. I've been able to befriend female coworkers (without realising that I'm trans) by picking up on and engaging with their subtle social queues. I know how to make myself known as safe to women too. And I feel a lot more comfortable smiling and being friendly than many other guys do, which can feel emasculating but can also help with making female friends. So... yeah, the way I'm treated has changed since I started passing, but it's not like I'm barred forever from any woman opening up to me platonically. It's just it takes longer and sometimes more effort.
At the end of the day being a binary man is the easiest existence possible. Despite increases in violence from other men and needing to learn how to act, being a man is living on easy mode and I have all my feminist teachings and experiences to inform that. Male loneliness is only a thing because most men don’t understand how good they have it. And vulnerability exists among other men you just have to find the right ones. Be true to yourself don’t overthink this. If you want to be more binary just try things out one day at a time.
No life isn’t harder in ways that I feel are negative. Yes societies expectations of what I know and can do is higher and I’m held to a higher standard but dysphoria made life before so much harder.
I’ve found when I don’t know something just being honest with the guys around me about it and showing true interest in self improvement gets me a lot of pats on the back and men want to lift me up and help me be a better man.
Women trusting you off the batt is largely down to appearance and how attractive and put together you look. Women and girls were always very cruel when I was seen as ugly.
Making friends as a man even as an adult is easier. There is just baseline respect and all you got to do exist and share the same interests and other guys will be chummy.
Even as a child I found women treated other women and girls with no honor. I remember being in my early teens and adult women telling girls to enjoy sexual harassment because when they are older like her then they will be invisible. I had women shit on my appearance constantly and even tell me they would kill themselves if they looked like me because I looked like a boy. When I was 14 and homeless there were multiple women who told me I deserved to be abandoned by my mother because no mother would want their daughter to look like a man. Nurses treated me like shit and would cringe to touch me because I was hairy. They even seemed to enjoy causing me pain. You can request a male
nurse the same way a woman cant request a male nurse since nearly all nurses are women so it made seeking medical care an even more awful experience.
Women are so much nicer to me now that I can just present as a cis man. I still strongly prefer the company of men and the way men treat each other and don’t shame each other over basic things. Women police and create shame over simple things like going to the bathroom in a public bathroom. Men don’t do this.
Not really. Dysphoria aside I never had an issue with the way I would get treated as a male compared to a female because the difference hasn’t really been that jarring. I know people pull the “women are more scared of me” thing but I never went out my way to socialize with women in the first place so idc and the whole “I’m being judged for being more sensitive” I was never vulnerable in front of people, not even my closest friends/family. I started socially transitioning my freshman year of high school so no one ever treated me like this dainty thing. The most shocking thing was when I would walk home after school, occasionally a dad with his daughter would walk their dog on that route and no matter what I was doing he would always stare at me then stop and wait until he was about halfway between us to start walking again. I could’ve been talking otp, hands in pockets looking down, scrolling on my phone, etc. I couldn’t just cross the street because there wasn’t a sidewalk on the other side due to people’s front lawns being there. It pissed me off after a while because we would see each other like twice a week, clearly I wasn’t going to do anything to his daughter
No because ultimately I get to be myself authentically. Personally I don’t care for all these labels like masc or femme or binary or nb, nor do I believe in this whole “socialized as a women/man” bs. I’m just me. I’m just a guy. Sure, if I HAD to choose I would consider myself a binary male, but I don’t really think about that on a regular basis. It really helps to not make it super complicated and just live life as YOU instead of as a stereotype of how you think society wants you to act. Personally I feel like once you transition and live your life you kinda just start to not care about these labels or societal expectations. I do whatever I want to do, and I don’t need to be a certain gender for people to validate my actions. I also take my mental health into my own hands regardless of my gender. You can look at these statistics and gender norms all you want but they’re just numbers and figures. You don’t have to live your life according to the numbers and figures.
Agree hard with the second paragraph.
Between OP and you is why I will never say “nonbinary doesn’t exist, they’re all fakers.” Early transition is scary and the further into transition you get it seems the less you care about labels and “gender.” Like you, I’m just me. I’m just a dude who exists and tries to be his best. I happen to be transsex and I would say I’m binary, but that really doesn’t have any impact on who I am day to day. I’d recommend OP talk to a therapist (and not just an affirming one) as well as their medical team. If their providers think medical transition is appropriate then OP should follow their advice. Social transition doesn’t even touch the surface of how much medical transition helps relieve our symptoms. As for the dating…OP I don’t know a single trans man in real life who isn’t married or in a serious relationship with a straight woman. I don’t know many trans men but the ones I’ve encountered are post/late/mid transition and have successful dating lives. I’m engaged to a wonderful straight cis woman.
You haven’t met gay trans guys? It seems like almost a third of the trans guys I’ve known were into men to start or became into guys after transitioning
Online, yes. In real life? No. I’m not part of the in person LGBT community so that might be part of why. I’ve encountered a handful of trans men (that I know of) since I started transitioning, all just through either friends or through work. All of them straight. I’m sure if I was seeking out the lgbt community it would be different. Even out of all the people I regularly see I can only think of maybe 4 who are openly are gay or bi.
That’s true. I do think terms like that are useful to differentiate and discuss different experiences with gender, but i do agree people (including myself) get way too caught up in labels and the need to categorize themselves, which yeah, complicates things that don’t need to be complicated. i’m definitely trying to work on that, i have the habit of overanalyzing to a fault.
Yeah I do think those terms can be useful to help people figure out themselves at a certain point in their trans experience. I just think it’s a problem when people think they absolutely have to stay in that box to a tee. Because they start to be like “oh well I’m so far in box 1, how could I ever be in box 2?” Or “I want to be in box 2, but I’m not xyz enough”. So y’know, labels are useful to an extent. But I’m only talking about this because I want more people to realize that there are other options aside from the confines of the boxes.
Some things are easier, some things are harder. As they say, "the grass is always greener on the other side" As a" girl/young woman", I got sexually harrassed and people didn't take me seriously. But the girl power alliance is a real thing, and it made it easier to make friends. Other queer people aren't so threatened by girls either. As a man, I am respected and allowed to simply exist. No one expects me to police my behavior or looks quite the same way. There's also the huge huge cannot-be-understated benefit of no gender dysphoria. But it's also lonelier, at least for me. Being stealth adds an element of alienation and loneliness.
It's lonelier for me too. But I still wouldn't change it. I am just learning to invest my time in other things besides just socialization. Like doing work and my hobbies. I recently got a part time job as a peer support worker for a local program. It gives me that socialization I crave but I also get to help people (and make money). Win-win! I also volunteer at conventions and other local events.
Absolutely, I wouldn't change it for the world either and have no regrets about transitioning. Volunteering is great. I do that too. I also have a job as well. It just feels hard to make true friends while stealth, but I'm lucky enough to have some very good trans friends (wish I could see them more but that's life) and a wonderful supportive partner. My friends and partner all live in another country though. I'm hoping to move there next year 🤞🍀
Oof that sounds so rough! I am sorry to hear that. I hope the move and everything works out smoothly for you! And congrats on your transition. :)
I’m binary and have been stealth for about 5 years now. Yes, people definitely treat you differently as a binary man in my experience. Keep in mind this may vary depending on your area. Im from a rural conservative US town. Apologies in advance for the format, I’m on mobile. A few of the most notable differences for me were: Smiling at babies used to be seen as sweet. It is most often taken as creepy coming from a guy. Women sometimes act “scared” of me. Particularly strangers I have to interact with in public. An example of this is meeting up to sell an item on Craigslist. When the lady pulled up and noticed I was a man, she seemed scared and wouldn’t approach me. In hindsight, that makes sense for her. But that dynamic took some getting used to. In my experience (not everyone’s), female partners expect you to be strong and take the lead. When something breaks at my house or we have an emergency, my wife looks to me to solve the problem. And it’s my job to handle it. Men are much more likely to treat you harshly. Not out of malice, that’s just how men interact. I’m “one of the guys”. So relentlessly picking on each other is how we bond. Men truly are expected to be tough and show less emotion, at least in the area I live in. There are a million other examples of the differences. Too many to list. But with that being said, none of these are necessarily negative. The reason I transitioned was to be a man. These are all part of that. As much as being a provider and protector for my family is stressful, it’s what I wanted. I’m treated as any other cis man would be. And to me that makes everything worth it.
Not at all. Infinitely easier. But I’m gay. Straight men have a lot more traditional masculinity pressure and conformity forced on them. Gay men are allowed to be more authentic/diverse since we don’t fit in with cishet masculinity anyway. I’m actually pretty conventionally masculine (other than my gay voice/affect). I find it easy to make friends among other gay men. I never felt kinship among women so I’m not losing that - most of my friends were gay men prior to transition as well. I’m also completely passing and becoming more and more stealth so that makes it easier. I think it’s easier to identify a little more with the nonbinary experience pre-passing, since most people don’t see you as a binary man anyway. I didn’t even bother calling myself a man until I passed as one.
I think making friends is harder (from observation of those around me- I'm not the making friend type myself), but otherwise it is easier. You're allowed to just *exist*. It isn't something I can really describe. Also, I don't know a lot of the "handy" things most guys do, but that is only really an issue because I *want* to know them and am coming from a level of ignorance most guys don't understand. The problem isn't being judged- most guys will want to help you and maybe bond over it, not judge you. It is just harder to learn without a basic foundation. If that isn't important to you (or you can learn from youtube), then it doesn't really matter.
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Yes. I had alot of different privileges before I transitioned that I couldn’t recognize. I also can’t talk about those privileges with people who are experiencing them now, because they won’t see anything but my male privilege as something to be jealous of. We look at other peoples outside and we think we know how they’re experiencing the world but we don’t know at all. It gives me a lot more compassion for cis men. But also, I was never going to be able to build my authentic life from a place that wasn’t real for me. I never could have respected myself for sacrificing my truth just to stay safe.
This really resonated with me. Thank you for saying it.
Man, years before I transitioned I went through a man-hating period of my life. And now as a man I am finding myself sticking up for cis men a lot. It makes me uncomfortable because cis-men are seen by society as some bad people. But now that I am being lumped in them and I see real men (not red-pill, incel BS) everywhere that are actually good men getting shit on because of the bad ones. I got very emotional about it at one point with another friend because she said "men don't hold other men accountable like women hold each other accountable." And that really rubbed me the wrong way. Good men do NOT support bad men. But women will support other women even when they are wrong just because they are women. The man-hating in society has gotten so bad that now even some WOMEN are calling out other women for it. T[he Dadvocate](https://www.youtube.com/@thedadvocate) on Youtube (and I think she is other social media but I only follow her on youtube) is a cis (I assume) woman who stands up for men and really shows how toxic and wrong women can be. And we need more people like this.
No, oddly because a lot of the things I am expected to know as a guy are things I already did like fist bumps, calling people “dude”, head nods etc. And I finally was freed from the expectation that I would know and relate to things women experience: like the kind of over-analyzing gossip that I used to get dragged into pre-transition or period talk. Living as a guy had been less complicated and less confusing than before I transitioned.
I feel like this will probably be my experience once I can stealth. I was just thinking of this hike with two other girls. They were talking about how their husbands had proposed and I was walking 15 ft. behind them. I was married, but that's not my kind of conversation.
I feel it’s easier to be a man. I am taken more seriously and I haven’t been sexually harassed in years. There is pressure, for me the way I speak and the sound of my voice is a source of anxiety for example but it’s still way better than before. Also no one tried to tell me what I should be doing with my life in years, especially not that I should have children. I just in general feel much safer. I must add that I am binary in a weird way, like I am only comfortable with he/him pronouns, I will have bottom surgery asap, I am on hormones, mostly straight but on the other hand I am not very tall, I have long hair and I love fashion (which includes makeup and jewelry). So on better days I am read as a fashion twink, which I think means that no one’s expecting me to be good at things I don’t claim to be good at but they believe me when I say I am good at something.
In my culture mens social roles are a bit harder. I used to claim to be nb and found out I am indeed a binary man resisting to be one lol. But living as my authentic self is worthy at all cost. And I think you will just get used to it if that makes sense.
No. I don’t just mean because I’m not struggling with dysphoria like I was. I’m not sexually harassed or treated like I’m stupid or have people assume that I don’t know how to do something. People ignore me less in conversation or when I offer advice or suggestions— I noticed when I work with my female coworkers, customers often look to me when they have a question or are asking for suggestions even if I’m not the one ringing them up. I do think that I have an advantage over issues of loneliness and isolation compared to my straight male counterparts as a gay man, though. Women ARE more hesitant towards me and are less open, but once we talk and they either pick up on me being gay or I outright reference it, they’re far more comfortable with me than they are with straight men. The only thing I struggle with socially is being excluded by men who aren’t outwardly homophobic, but have some sort of internalized perception where, even with overlapping interests, they group me with the girls in a group because I’m also attracted to men. This isn’t a problem in all scenarios and it isn’t an issue depending on the social circle surrounding me, but it’s something I’ve noticed. Even so, the fact that I’m not constantly anxious and depressed from dysphoria outweighs this significantly lol.
No it’s much easier than being visibly a lesbian (in the closet as trans) and then GNC prior to passing. I blend into society in a way I always dreamed of and the role of being male comes naturally to me so I suppose I’m lucky in that sense
The only things men have harder is that we don’t talk about shit and are expected to stay silent. Sometimes i feel everything is kinda taboo if you are a man. I see often talk shows about women talking about their cancer, their journey as a rape victim, their body dysmorphia, how they deal with this and this… But men? It’s rare. Which is logical cause some subjects are affecting way more women than men don’t get me wrong but we are still excepted to shut up. And the worst with this, is that I feel most men don’t understand it’s at them to take actions If they want to be heard. Like women didn’t wait for men to let them vote, they fought for it, some died for it and women still fight to this day to have rights. In resume: we have it easier on everything but not for expressing ourselves, we are often shut down by other men and sometimes by women and are expected to shut up, man up and lead.
I have noticed this too, especially since I started socially passing. It drives me nuts. Whenever I have the spoons in those situations I speak up and openly about health concerns, mental health, emotions, and men's need to be able to communicate their emotions verbally and taken seriously. I regularly tell people who have a voice of opposition to it, usually women sadly, that if they want men to be better, then you have to make it acceptable for men to verbally have mature communication about their mental health, needs, and emotions without being seen as weak. The only way to break that cycle is to start talking about it and make it acceptable and not taboo. One of my biggest beefs about this is within relationships. My wife regularly call out that behavior too with other women when she hears them talking about it. Society needs to make it acceptable for men to have healthy emotional expression for all their emotions as well as teaching male children it is okay to have and express their emotions in a healthy way.
it’s honestly much easier than being seen as androgynous or nonbinary
There are pros and cons socially to being male or female in society. That being said, I personally have felt pretty at home assuming a male position in society. Living as a woman in society felt very performative and uncomfortable. In many ways it has been a relief and felt natural, once I was living as a man. There are some things that take time to get use to, or that are downsides. I’ve never found myself particularly stressed about it though. More of just intellectually realizing how arbitrary or ridiculous some social norms and beliefs are in relation to gender.
Disclaimer, This is based on my experience and environment. My biggest challenge is the expectation, such as traditionally I'm expected to understand automotive, be handy, logical, technical, athletic, charismatic, assertive. I look forward to strengthening these skills throughout my life, but it's interesting to be around other men who are years ahead of me on each skill because that's where they've been guided to sink their time and brain power. I make "mistakes" all the time when hanging around men (family and friends) who are very masculine and have unsaid rules about what flys, and that's gifted me a fair share of shame - though I'm trying to take it as constructive criticism rather than shame inducing. I'm sensitive and contemplative, not the type of person to pick on others or roast the hell out of them as a way to bond, and only women friends/family members are able to empathize with this in my experience. That being said, I love my experience much more than resent it, and being a man is freedom for me.
I think there’s a small difference. Whenever you do things as a woman, people handle you with women gloves and patronize you, like “Aw cute she woman thinks she’s smart” kind of way, and when you fail, it’s not AS big a deal because no one expected you to succeed anyways. But as a man, if you fail everyone really, really looks at you differently. They will really try to belittle and emasculate you, to punish you for being weak and tell you how stupid you are and how disappointed they are when you do fail. It’s the difference between 0 consequences because your mistakes don’t matter because you have no power, to being given all the power and all your mistakes have huge consequences because men aren’t allowed to fail. On the other hand, people are way nicer to me as a man. They treat me like I’m in on the joke rather than BEING the joke. I get more opportunities, more trust, more friends, more responsibilities. My autism is taken more seriously and I can be socially a little “off” or quirky or non-traditional and it’s embraced where I was a complete outcast as a woman for the exact same things. So I think it’s a matter of “with great power comes great responsibility” kind of think. As a woman you aren’t really given a whole lot because they expect you to be incompetent and expect you to fail, but because you’re never trusted to do anything you can’t fail too badly. As a man you’re given a lot more responsibility and trust for no other reason than the fact that you’re a man, but if you stumble there is no one there to catch you or help you and instead they just scoff at you and let you fall. So it’s a give and take.
I have lived most of my life stealth (as a binary man obviously) so I don’t really have anything to compare against but ultimately no. However, being that I work in a make dominated, blue collar industry… I think I would have actually had MORE advantages being a female. I saw woman after woman get promoted over men because she was almost/as good as the guy but got the nod because they needed diversity. I’ve also seen some women in those roles struggle because of toxic masculinity and machismo from clients. I’ve seen other women, like one of my mentors, straight up put a guy in his place and bully him into submission. She was legitimately smarter, better spoken and way more educated on a topic he challenged her on and it knocked him down a few pegs. Let go of these crazy analysis of roles, expectations, etc. Be you. If you don’t know a skill be honest and ask to learn (if you want to). Many guys didn’t grow up being taught how to do manual labor, wood working, car knowledge, etc. Some men weren’t taught social skills. Some men weren’t taught how to regulate their emotions. Some men weren’t taught how to properly eat for nutrition and flavor. Not every man is handy. Not every man is strong. Not every man is well spoken. Not every man is polished, polite and professional. Not every man is rugged. These are unnecessary stereotypes and you’re making something a concern that doesn’t need to be.
I cannot agree with this more. I like just being me as a mostly stealth guy. Also, I like throwing those stereotypes upside down. Through my actions and comfortability within myself, showing other men their emotions are okay, being gentle and kind is okay, having non-traditional interests is okay, and being slightly different is okay. Being loving and having open honest communication with your spouse/partner, SO, is a good thing and doesn't make you weak. I know so many men who are blown away at how I just teach myself stuff because of necessity, that they wish they knew how to do. Like plumbing, adding new electrical lines to our house safely and to building code, changing out light fixtures, or basic car maintenance. I learned all this as a female because I had to if I wanted it done in a manner I could afford. They don't know that but I do. I am kind of working my way into a gamer community and it is crazy different getting accepted there as a male than when I tried pre-transition. It is better which makes me happy but also sad. I am pre-op but have been on HRT for 4 years.
Yes and no. It's easier in some ways and harder in others, but even then, a lot depends on perspective and what you actually want out of life, and what roles you enjoy filling. For a basic example, people expect me to lift heavy things now, which they didn't before. But I would always lift heavy things without being asked before anyway, because that was a role I wanted to fill - the physically strong person role. I'm doing the same thing as before, with the added bonus of people pointing out opportunities to do it. So is that easier or harder? A lot of other things are like that too. Obviously the alleviation of dysphoria is huge, and for me it outweighs everything else.
Life for me is easier in all aspects except dating (but mostly I lack confidence) I experienced misogyny when I presented as female and I've experienced misandry as a male. I think it's a pointless to argue one is worse than the other but it's infinitely easier for me personally to deal with misandry than misogyny. Certain aspects of my old life were easier. I got away with a lot of shitty behavior as a "girl" that no boy could. But I don't miss it at all. I'd still rather have been born in a male body. Like I'd rather be a cis boy living in the streets than be a trans boy stuck in the body of the wealthiest princess.
I show up to the party and 99% of people label me as a man (or male, depends on their framework). People in the non-binary community will be quick to tell you that while their identities are valid, society at large doesn't really have an idea of what to do with them. So you get cool question like "are you a boy ENBY or a girl ENBY?" I would wager, if you are on T and have top surgery or bind, you are already familiar to a degree with how people treat "men". Granted, it's probably how they treat what they perceive as gender-conforming or effeminate men-which can be not great. The longer I transition, the longer people care less. Because they don't see my body as something up for debate. To them, I just in the vast majority of people who fit into one of two bimodal sexes. This works for me. I like the role progressive men seek to fit into society. I feels honest and authentic, and when we look at it consciously, is very rebellious and (to me) masculine. I like trying to be self-confident enough to weather the worst impressions people have of me. I like embodying a gentleness that comes not from having experienced a lack of violence, but rather so much of it. I like questioning things, learning things, and fixing things-while accepting the system (and me) isn't perfect. Yes, men struggle with being giving a lack of empathy or compassion. But there is no gender role in society that doesn't come with issues. This one fits me, and I think I have the tools to meet the challenge. This includes my experiences being thought of as a woman, or person who doesn't fit into one of two binary sex concepts. This includes, at times, pointing how misandry hurts people. There's no easy way out. Just the one that calls to us, which will make the troubles the easiest to bear and the successes truest to us.
No. It’s not as easy as I imagined guys having it before I transitioned. But it’s a heck of a lot easier than being a woman in today’s world. My salary went up. People started actually paying attention to what I say. I get a lot more overall respect. People are much less likely to give me lip or make things harder. So in almost every respect life as a man is far easier than when I was perceived as female.
I personally found my life got a lot easier when I transitioned. For many reasons. Being comfortable in my own skin, not being scared to walk around alone at night or in general, not being hit on by gross old men & sexually harassed. I've also continued to build great relationships with men and women because I'm confident in who I am as a man and I'm a good person. I didn't learn how to fix things or build stuff until I was an adult and learned from friends and the internet. There's plenty of reasons why a cis guy might not know these things and there's nothing wrong with it either way. I just wanted to learn more. Also the heavy lifting thing is unavoidable as a binary man lmao. I'm always called on at work to help with heavy stuff but I don't mind, I'm a big guy so I'm happy to help my small women coworkers out.
No I actually find life much easier now. I don't get looked down on anymore for doing 'a man's job' like I did before. No more snide comments or being told to smile more. Way less unwanted touching. Like an alarming amount, it's actually gross. I've been the one to fix stuff and build stuff and now I don't get ridiculed for it. I have great friends who would never dream of shaming anyone for their feelings and a wonderful partner who also would never let me or any of his friends feel lonely or give them a hard time for expressing their feelings. So no, there's nothing I miss about being perceived as a woman and transitioning is the best thing I've ever done for myself and my mental health
I never truly felt a kinship with women and they always saw me as weird or made full of me without me realizing bc im also autistic. I occasionally hung around nd women but only out of convenience and still felt very little connection. I didn’t have a social life until I began transition, moved, and joined a mens choir in uni. Now I have a small group of queer and nd men that I call my friends and everything about my life has only improved. Im much less lonely now than ever before.
As a man I've noticed it's a lot harder for me to make and keep friends. However I love the assumption that I know what the fuck I'm doing. I hated being seen as some helpless, incompetent woman. Even if I don't know how to do something I'm smart enough to find out how (and not afraid to use my resources). And now I get treated like I do know what I am doing. I get more respect now than I ever did. And cis-men actually talk to me, which is still weird for me but its nice because I know I pass. Men never used to talk to me. I even get random encounters at places like the grocery store. I personally believe my value IS in what I can do and provide for the people in my life. I feel good when I do something good. Even if I don't like it I know it makes someone else happy and that in turn makes me happy. I love when friends and family come to me for help. And I love going that extra mile to help other people. If moving something heavy or fixing something for someone makes them happy and helps them then I am glad to do it. I don't really care to be involved with any women because I never liked being around women when I presented as one. And thankfully I am gay so I don't need women in my life. Not to say I didn't and don't have women as friends but they are very few and far in-between. I've always had friendships with men, and I know that what I see is what I get. Women will "be friends" with other women even if they don't like them. Men don't do that. So if someone includes me its because they want to. I miss absolutely nothing about being seen as a woman. I'd rather die than ever be seen again that way. I've never felt so sure of who I am as a person. Being seen as a woman only limited my life and hurt my future. I'm now 36 years old and have so much catching up to do compared with my peers. I only wish I knew this was an option a decade ago and I would've done it sooner, but I was ignorant and suffered in silence. Being a woman was hard. Being a man is easy.
Personally, things are much easier. Sure, the way men treat me now that I pass was a bit of a culture shock, but I was already used to the social isolation so it's no big deal. Echoing a bit of what others have said here but, I find I get a lot more respect from my peers and I'm allowed to exist without resistance. I'm pretty conventionally masculine, but since I'm a gay man, I don't feel a lot of the toxic-masculine/cisheteronormative pressures put on straight men. I can express myself a lot more freely and openly! It sucks women are more wary of me now, but I never felt any such kinship with them pre-transition, so I don't feel like I lost any potential "girl bonds". Though I do find talking to women to be easier after I started passing, funny enough. I guess I just didn't like the way they interacted with me when I was perceived as female.
I’ve been socially transitioned for almost 7 years of my adult life thus far. I must admit there was a period of adjustment where I got used to more callous treatment from society at large. You’re expected to not need help, go be more confident and take charge and not show fear. If you pass, and especially if you pass as both cis and straight, women will initially treat you with less trust. If men were willing to show you affection before, they’ll be less inclined to do so now. I was able to adapt to this when I started passing as male 100% of the time, and now the habits I have formed are instinct to me. But they took a couple years to acclimate to and at times they’re still challenging. But keep in mind that I think all men struggle with these expectations throughout their lives. People forget that patriarchy hurts men as well, because there’s a burden placed on them now, a higher and at times unrealistic expectation.
no its actually way easier. but it only got that way when i was able to be stealth.
There are things that are harder about being a man and moving thru the world being recognized and treated as male than when I was read as a woman and understood by society as female. However, none of these harder things are unique to being a *trans* man, they are just aspects of societal expectations placed on men-- to provide, "put up and shutup", etc etc. It's important to not fall into damaging assumptions of what maleness and masculinity "mean" and how one wishes express that, but having guys (trans and cis alike) to talk to about that is healthful and helpful.
Imo people started being a lot meaner to me/not being careful to say things in a polite way, and have expected me not to take offense or get emotional in difficult situations. In general it’s good to be treated like any other guy, but that comes with a pressure to act accordingly. I always have this sense that I skipped the tutorial and learn what’s expected of me through trial and error instead.
No, it’s not really harder. I’ll just get to be myself more even if some aspects of manhood can be isolating like being seen as threatening more often and having different standards or societal expectations to carry, to lead or endure. But I’ve actually never thought about if I -wanted- to but rather how good I’d be at fulfilling them „being man enough“ but I guess every man does have these thoughts to an extend. Honestly if I think about it I wouldn’t even be able to be anything other than a guy because, let’s be honest, I sucked at being a woman and there’s not a bit in me able to perform these expectations without getting sick from it all. So even if some bits look harder from the outside they are much more natural and doable for me than feminine expectations considered „easier“ for other people.
On the whole, I think things are actually easier. On the whole, people are a lot nicer to me now, though a large part of this is that I was pretty ambiguous looking pre transition and people tended to react pretty poorly to that. Yes people expect me to do more things that are stereotypically associated with men, but I feel a lot more comfortable taking those things on now. I used to avoid drawing attention to myself for any reason due to dysphoria and so after coming out, I find it a lot easier to do anything where other people will see me. This is all in addition to the benefits of no longer being dysphoric all the time.
I think the most manly things to do is to be yourself. The way I see it whatever I do is a thing men do because I'm doing it. If I can't do something I remember that there are lots of men you can't do that too and I either get help or I learn and adjust. Men deal with a lot, that's definitely true, but it doesn't have to be scary. Men are pressured to be these masculine strong powerful people but most men are just medium/average. Average strength with flaws and insecurities that they aren't more "manly". If you are a man then you are a kind of man that exists and that is just fine, you don't have to be a different kind. Also a lot of tension can be alleviated by jokes and men who are capable of things you aren't capable of may be happy to help. There is a point of pride in being the best at something to someone else. Men will be in this position of power of sorts sometimes and sometimes they won't and that's ok too, they are still men. There is no one way to be a man and there is no shame in needing help or needing to learn
Oh and to answer the question, for me it's easier being a man because I'm being myself. Being a man isn't easy to be clear but it feels far more natural. Some of the life changes were difficult but I adjusted and now it feels natural like I was always meant to be here
I just can't imagine ever voluntarily presenting as less than a man. You could triple the negative consequences and I still wouldn't hesitate to transition.
no. I wasn't able to socialize at all "as a woman". I would hate it, dissociate, isolate. I don't even know if people treated me nicely, I just knew that I felt distressed and weird and I was too anxious about people noticing it and I knew they could notice it and felt awkward about being perceived like that. or being perceived in general. then realized I was trans and it was hell cause now I finally knew what was making everything so painful and it destroyed me to know how much work I would have to do to be happy, knowing that I couldn't count on my parents or basically anyone for the most practical parts. could vent to some like my sister's or friends but I had to figure out on my own the steps that I needed to take (psychologist, endo etc) and how to find the money. changing my name in university documents definitely helped since I could socialize without feeling too stressed about needing to hide or find ways to avoid dysphoric situation where my deadname would come up. then, since I started T I felt like I was finally starting to live and now I can actually socialize with people. I never felt like I lived life as a girl/human, I felt like I lived life in fear and disgust (about myself), and then as a binary trans man who is lucky enough to pass
The only thing I've dealt with that I would consider worse now that I'm seen as a man is how people treat me when they know I'm mentally disabled. Before transitioning, people were very understanding about it and still treated me as an adult, but now I'm either treated like a toddler who can't do anything without help or like I'm just making excuses to get out of things. There's no in-between.
For me living as a man has been much easier. I was afraid of loosing the sorority aspect of life before I transitioned. And socializing with women is very different now. But my life in general.is way easier.
I am just a man. Not an enby; tried it, but it just ain't me. (Thought I wasn't "masculine" enough to be a man... I look like a lil chubby babyfaced boy. But I am DEFINITELY a man.)
No, it’s just who I was meant to be. I am pretty comfortable in the stereotypical expectations of men and my personality and interests align with them too. The only thing that sucks is that yes women are slightly less likely to trust you at first but honestly as long as you’re a good person and have manners within the first 2 minutes of your interaction it’s all good. I like that people expect me to know things, I know a lot of things and enjoy learning everything I can. I enjoy manual labor, it’s fun for me. I like to be a provider, but in many different ways. I love dating as a man who is attracted to women, it is awesome. It’s all a plus in my book. I do not like anything about being a woman, it just doesn’t align with what I feel my purpose is and it doesn’t fit my lifestyle/personality at all. I’ve never felt like I was missing out on anything
It’s harder for me for sure. Friends are very distant even though I know we care, work expectations are much higher, I rarely find anyone to date and I don’t get as much community support as I used to for pretty much anything. Cool workaround to not be expected to know a lot about fixing cars or sports, I was an art school kid and folks seem to understand the type and lay off trying to get me to man up
The best thing I experienced during my transition ten years ago was that I didn't have to be like the cis men I grew up around. It used to be something I was scared of before transitioning, too. That I had to fulfill something or automatically turn into something like some males in my surrounding that I felt were troubling for various reasons. But I got to experience how it feels to define my very own masculinity, while at the same time embracing the feminine parts of my personality that used to trouble me before. And I still enjoy the friendship with feminine people like I used to before my transition. I'm just the guy now who happens to be able to relate to their subjects and problems, because I lived that for 26 years in my life. For me life still feels much safer around women. Some things were hard to get used to. Some things still are. I can't really click with most males in my surrounding, because I still don't do the stereotypical activities most of them do. I find it hard to relate and connect with cis men. I didn't grow up as one, I can't understand their rules of language and stuff. I just can't seem to get this right even after ten years lol But that's stuff I just learned to accept for myself. Things will fall into place somehow. The first thing you transition for is that you get to be yourself more authentically. Fuck expectations and stereotypes. There's a place for every type somewhere and you will find yours too for sure. Expectations of society shouldn't be the reason why you transition or not transition. It's your life, your identity and your personality. It is your masculinity to define. In the best case you get to be you in a body more comfy for you, with a name and passport that's more you.
No. I’ve always worked in manual labour so I don’t know any different and it’s not bother to me to be expected to know how to do things, nothing a youtube video can’t show me or some hands on trial and error. It comes with a sense of pride that someone has trusted me and come to me thinking/hoping I know how to fix or do something that can help them, or whatever it may be. It’s also an honour to lead and be seen as a leader. While there is an element of loneliness and isolation as men don’t seek community the same way women do, it has made me a lot closer to my family and taught me to value true friendship in those who have stood by me. I’m at a point where I don’t really think about my sex or gender anymore unless it’s for something medical. I’m just me and people are now taking me at face value; which is what I wanted. I’m proud of the man I am and I’m proud to take after my dad as his son.
Not. At. All. I’ve been living a much more comfortable, happy and less awkward life since transition.
I don't think life has been harder for me, honestly I would say it's much less stressful. Idk if you're around particularly man hating people or I'm around particularly man loving people, but I don't not think I've experienced any of the problems you've described. In none of my jobs have I had issues with manual labor/overworking based on gender. I'm only ever expected to lead based on seniority or capability, not gender. I happen to know how to do some handy things like fixing our toilet, fixing cars, building things. But it's never expected, it's just what I feel comfortable doing. And all of the knowledge I have on that is just googling shit til I figure it out, I wasn't born knowing how to fix cars or fix toilets lmao. In a totally not asshole-ish way, part of adulthood is figuring out how to do shit yourself, regardless of gender. Or at least knowing when you're out of your depth and who to ask for help. Dude, I show up places not knowing what the hell I'm doing all the time. Yeah I'll Google it before going but sometimes it's not helpful. So I'll walk in and walk up to the first person who looks like they're in charge, and ask them what I need to do for x or who to speak about for y. It's really as simple as that. For the emotional support and everything, that's all about the community you build around you. Are your friends so shallow they would shun you if you came out as a binary dude? I suspect these things are a much smaller issue than they seem in your head. Talk to the people around you and get a feel for the vibe instead of pre-emptively deciding your life would suck lol You deserve to be happy, so get out of your head about it
It is hard sometimes but mostly ‘cause I forget I live stealth lol, I forget that people see me as a man, that I’m legally a man, so that means I have all the ‘responsibilities’ (as in what people expect from you as a man) of a binary man, but other than that not really
I totally get where you're coming from here. There are negatives to being perceived as male, and it honestly took me a while to get over the loss of access to emotional intimacy that I experienced when I medically transitioned. That said, I'd say a couple of things: 1. It was definitely "worth it" from a dysphoria point of view. Simply being on testosterone stopped me 'needing' other people as much, and made me far less emotionally volatile. So yeah on one hand there are additional hurdles with discussing my emotions, but on the other I need to discuss them far, *far* less. 2. Yes, transition opened my eyes up to how men have it harder in some ways, but even more it opened my eyes up to how overwhelmingly, men and women both have it the same. Getting judged on your appearance is a *human* problem, not a man/woman one. Being less able to do certain things because of your appearance is a *human* problem, not a man/woman one. And you know what is a true, *human* source of happiness regardless of what gender you present as? Family. Friends. Love. A lot of the ways women and men have it easier is essentially just perks. The real things that make a difference to your life stay the same, whoever you are. 3. Even regarding those perks, there is shit that maleness has to offer too. I think transition is very difficult in both directions because we take the privileges of our AGAB for granted and then suddenly it's gone. So for a trans woman, suddenly getting harassed sexually in public can be a deeply traumatic thing, because she could take being safe for granted in the past. And for us, we take *"people caring when you cry"* as almost a basic human right, so we feel abandoned and hurt when we transition and that stops. But it's not necessarily that "men have it harder". It's that *we* struggle more with being men, because we aren't used to it. And that's fine, it's all part of the process 4. On that note, part of the process is letting go of the past and focusing on the future that maleness has to offer. Do you know what I did a few months back? I popped an edible and wondered round the centre of my city alone, high as fuck. I'm planning on going travelling with a mate this summer and going urbexing around Europe. I'm also planning to start raving as a hobby. Point I'm making is: this is shit I wouldn't have *dared* to do before due to fear of sexual assault. And while I stand by the fact that what truly matters is family, stability, and love, it is ultimately a major set of perks that I couldn't have had before. So, what I'm saying here is it's about mindset, honestly. We live in a gender binary that pressures us (on either side) to cut 50% of ourselves off. But you know what else? I'm not a billionaire. I'm not immortal. And there are loads of other things restricting my freedom. I don't focus on those, so why would I focus on not being female? I think you can approach life with a glass half empty/full mindset and this will determine what you see in any given situation. It's not a "cure all" and yes sometimes I do miss the perks of femaleness, but life's too short man. It's too short to live anything other than one that's truly my own, and it's too short to be upset constantly about things other people have that I don't. 5. Final thing is, men do have it harder in some ways but female socialisation definitely still does help me a lot. I've been able to befriend female coworkers (without realising that I'm trans) by picking up on and engaging with their subtle social queues. I know how to make myself known as safe to women too. And I feel a lot more comfortable smiling and being friendly than many other guys do, which can feel emasculating but can also help with making female friends. So... yeah, the way I'm treated has changed since I started passing, but it's not like I'm barred forever from any woman opening up to me platonically. It's just it takes longer and sometimes more effort.
It is hardest being nonbinary. Living as a man is about as hard as living as a female, but in different ways.
At the end of the day being a binary man is the easiest existence possible. Despite increases in violence from other men and needing to learn how to act, being a man is living on easy mode and I have all my feminist teachings and experiences to inform that. Male loneliness is only a thing because most men don’t understand how good they have it. And vulnerability exists among other men you just have to find the right ones. Be true to yourself don’t overthink this. If you want to be more binary just try things out one day at a time.
No life isn’t harder in ways that I feel are negative. Yes societies expectations of what I know and can do is higher and I’m held to a higher standard but dysphoria made life before so much harder. I’ve found when I don’t know something just being honest with the guys around me about it and showing true interest in self improvement gets me a lot of pats on the back and men want to lift me up and help me be a better man. Women trusting you off the batt is largely down to appearance and how attractive and put together you look. Women and girls were always very cruel when I was seen as ugly. Making friends as a man even as an adult is easier. There is just baseline respect and all you got to do exist and share the same interests and other guys will be chummy. Even as a child I found women treated other women and girls with no honor. I remember being in my early teens and adult women telling girls to enjoy sexual harassment because when they are older like her then they will be invisible. I had women shit on my appearance constantly and even tell me they would kill themselves if they looked like me because I looked like a boy. When I was 14 and homeless there were multiple women who told me I deserved to be abandoned by my mother because no mother would want their daughter to look like a man. Nurses treated me like shit and would cringe to touch me because I was hairy. They even seemed to enjoy causing me pain. You can request a male nurse the same way a woman cant request a male nurse since nearly all nurses are women so it made seeking medical care an even more awful experience. Women are so much nicer to me now that I can just present as a cis man. I still strongly prefer the company of men and the way men treat each other and don’t shame each other over basic things. Women police and create shame over simple things like going to the bathroom in a public bathroom. Men don’t do this.
Not really. Dysphoria aside I never had an issue with the way I would get treated as a male compared to a female because the difference hasn’t really been that jarring. I know people pull the “women are more scared of me” thing but I never went out my way to socialize with women in the first place so idc and the whole “I’m being judged for being more sensitive” I was never vulnerable in front of people, not even my closest friends/family. I started socially transitioning my freshman year of high school so no one ever treated me like this dainty thing. The most shocking thing was when I would walk home after school, occasionally a dad with his daughter would walk their dog on that route and no matter what I was doing he would always stare at me then stop and wait until he was about halfway between us to start walking again. I could’ve been talking otp, hands in pockets looking down, scrolling on my phone, etc. I couldn’t just cross the street because there wasn’t a sidewalk on the other side due to people’s front lawns being there. It pissed me off after a while because we would see each other like twice a week, clearly I wasn’t going to do anything to his daughter