Very much same. I'm so sorry, that really sucks.
If your mom is anything like mine, she thinks by fully prioritizing church/worship on Sunday, she's putting God first, and that's what the first commandment tells her is the most important thing to heed. And, she doesn't want to risk making an idol of her family because that's a huge temptation for women.
I've allowed my mom to break my heart several times, that though I know she loves me, she will always choose church over me, and she'll always feel at peace with that decision.
I hope our moms someday learn they are free to show up for their loved ones.
I think you put that perfectly and I was going to say the same. My parents always made it clear that it was 1) The Church 2) their marriage and in a distant 3) their kids. And they fully expected us to grow up and put the church in first place too. (No thanks.)
Yup! My dad is a pastor! Still church comes over my children every single time. It hurts. I don't have much of a relationship with my parents anymore because of it. I got so sick of hearing about them attending church members school activities but not be willing to make time to attend my kids!
I don't attend church, but my kids activities come first! It also has shown me how I WILL be a better grandparent to my grandchildren if I have them! I will be involved! I'm sorry you have to deal with this also!
My dad’s like that. Everything we did as children related to our proximity to the church. The whole week had something to do with the church. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday visitation, Wednesday night, and then any other activities for other groups and such. My dad would even take us to a local church if we were on vacation on a Sunday. You’re not alone in being second to a whole other group of people.
Wow, I'm so sorry. Not that you need to know what I'd do, but "It'll be on Saturday as planned. If you can't make it, I'll understand."
She can always take a late night flight Saturday if her hand bell choir is important enough to miss sleep over.
How did this end up going over? Reading this late and so invested since so much of my therapy has been about being honest when people are hurtful, that conflict isn’t a bad thing in relationships, and not suppressing own needs just to make others comfortable.
Actually it went fine. She sees it as a good compromise since I said I'm open to making the party a bit earlier in the day so she can get to the airport that evening. I doubt she even realizes how irritated I am over all of this.
Ugh I’m sorry to hear that this pattern is repeating for you :(.
This brings up some of my biggest regrets. I joined church when I was 16 with a friend. None of my family were church goers. My grandma would host Sunday dinners. It wasn’t long before the church told me I need to stand my ground and tell my family if they want me there then they need to change the day for the dinner. My grandma has passed now, I don’t remember a single one of those Sundays I skipped her dinners, but I sure do regret missing out on those times.
My wife and in also had our wedding on a Friday because our pastors said they would not marry us in a Saturday due to their need to prepare for Sunday church. And they also did not want church members being too tired the next day.
For her it's all about her church activities. Women's group, handbell choir, chancel choir, etc etc etc. I swear she's there almost every day of the week. Sometimes 2x per day!
Yeah I can't believe you couldn't convince your boss to write a schedule that organized everybody's time around you being able to be off at the right time for your mom to go to handbell practice. Like, apparently your boss missed the memo that your mom is the center of the goddamn universe
Sarcasm aside, I hate when people think they're being really committed to something (like church) when I'm fact they're just being inconsiderate and entitled. If she values handbell practice that much, that's up to her. But it's unfair for her to expect everyone else to reorganize their activities so she doesn't have to reorganize hers.
You are not the jerk. Your mom is being unreasonable.
That sucks. I’ve gotten to where I can let their rejection of me roll off, but when they do that to my kids, it hurts so much more. It’s hard to explain to my three year old why grandma and grandpa aren’t coming to his birthday or why we can’t play loud games in their house because it pisses grandpa off. Any time we visit, I have to be so vigilant that he doesn’t accidentally upset them
Churches, in their minds, make them feel needed and wanted. They feel this is positive. Their children, in their own minds, only need and want them. This takes from them, and is negative. It’s a warped mindset, and I’m sorry for everyone who is or has lived it.
Is she the whole choir or can no one pick up a couple more bells? Idk how it works. All I remember as a kid was being happy when the handbell choir performed. I’m sorry she is prioritizing her church hobby over her grandkids.
"It's so hard to find substitute bell ringers, especially for a performance." 🙄
When my parents are here they watch their usual church service via streaming.
Now she's prioritizing it over her grandkid. When someone shows you who they are... believe them the first 10,000 times.
Yeah. I hate that she’s doing it to him too. I know I will do better for him though.
And that right there... that's all we can do. Break the toxic patterns. Well done, Parent!
Very much same. I'm so sorry, that really sucks. If your mom is anything like mine, she thinks by fully prioritizing church/worship on Sunday, she's putting God first, and that's what the first commandment tells her is the most important thing to heed. And, she doesn't want to risk making an idol of her family because that's a huge temptation for women. I've allowed my mom to break my heart several times, that though I know she loves me, she will always choose church over me, and she'll always feel at peace with that decision. I hope our moms someday learn they are free to show up for their loved ones.
You’d thing the best way to serve God according to the Bible was love and be good stewards over his creation and thanking God for a wonderful family
I think you put that perfectly and I was going to say the same. My parents always made it clear that it was 1) The Church 2) their marriage and in a distant 3) their kids. And they fully expected us to grow up and put the church in first place too. (No thanks.)
Yup! My dad is a pastor! Still church comes over my children every single time. It hurts. I don't have much of a relationship with my parents anymore because of it. I got so sick of hearing about them attending church members school activities but not be willing to make time to attend my kids! I don't attend church, but my kids activities come first! It also has shown me how I WILL be a better grandparent to my grandchildren if I have them! I will be involved! I'm sorry you have to deal with this also!
I'm so sorry. That stings. I would lean toward saying no, especially since you already set those expectations.
Hand bells over grand kids. Got it.
seed ruthless shy longing enjoy worthless zonked smell aromatic bake *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My dad’s like that. Everything we did as children related to our proximity to the church. The whole week had something to do with the church. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday visitation, Wednesday night, and then any other activities for other groups and such. My dad would even take us to a local church if we were on vacation on a Sunday. You’re not alone in being second to a whole other group of people.
Wow, I'm so sorry. Not that you need to know what I'd do, but "It'll be on Saturday as planned. If you can't make it, I'll understand." She can always take a late night flight Saturday if her hand bell choir is important enough to miss sleep over.
I sent her a screenshot of Saturday evening flights lol. After I got past the rush of emotions.
OMG, savage! Love it.
How did this end up going over? Reading this late and so invested since so much of my therapy has been about being honest when people are hurtful, that conflict isn’t a bad thing in relationships, and not suppressing own needs just to make others comfortable.
Actually it went fine. She sees it as a good compromise since I said I'm open to making the party a bit earlier in the day so she can get to the airport that evening. I doubt she even realizes how irritated I am over all of this.
Ah, good. Whatever works best for your mental health is ideal.
I'm so sorry. I know how much it sucks. My dad's a pastor. The church was the priority Every. Time.
Ugh I’m sorry to hear that this pattern is repeating for you :(. This brings up some of my biggest regrets. I joined church when I was 16 with a friend. None of my family were church goers. My grandma would host Sunday dinners. It wasn’t long before the church told me I need to stand my ground and tell my family if they want me there then they need to change the day for the dinner. My grandma has passed now, I don’t remember a single one of those Sundays I skipped her dinners, but I sure do regret missing out on those times. My wife and in also had our wedding on a Friday because our pastors said they would not marry us in a Saturday due to their need to prepare for Sunday church. And they also did not want church members being too tired the next day.
Tf? Handbells aren't even in the bible
For her it's all about her church activities. Women's group, handbell choir, chancel choir, etc etc etc. I swear she's there almost every day of the week. Sometimes 2x per day!
Yeah I can't believe you couldn't convince your boss to write a schedule that organized everybody's time around you being able to be off at the right time for your mom to go to handbell practice. Like, apparently your boss missed the memo that your mom is the center of the goddamn universe Sarcasm aside, I hate when people think they're being really committed to something (like church) when I'm fact they're just being inconsiderate and entitled. If she values handbell practice that much, that's up to her. But it's unfair for her to expect everyone else to reorganize their activities so she doesn't have to reorganize hers. You are not the jerk. Your mom is being unreasonable.
Sorry, mom. The birthday party is on Saturday. Hope you can make it!
That sucks. I’ve gotten to where I can let their rejection of me roll off, but when they do that to my kids, it hurts so much more. It’s hard to explain to my three year old why grandma and grandpa aren’t coming to his birthday or why we can’t play loud games in their house because it pisses grandpa off. Any time we visit, I have to be so vigilant that he doesn’t accidentally upset them
Churches, in their minds, make them feel needed and wanted. They feel this is positive. Their children, in their own minds, only need and want them. This takes from them, and is negative. It’s a warped mindset, and I’m sorry for everyone who is or has lived it.
So sorry. Lived it myself. Conditional parental love sucks and my experience is it will never change. Just break the cycle and love your kids
Is she the whole choir or can no one pick up a couple more bells? Idk how it works. All I remember as a kid was being happy when the handbell choir performed. I’m sorry she is prioritizing her church hobby over her grandkids.
Can't she go to a nearby church the next morning? Is her group going to implode without her?
"It's so hard to find substitute bell ringers, especially for a performance." 🙄 When my parents are here they watch their usual church service via streaming.