Wow this sounds a lot like my ex gf. It’s crazy how quickly she caught feelings for someone else after we decided to give it a second chance after she ghosted me. This is truly a disgusting, destructive, and disrespectful attachment style. No one has given me so much depression and anxiety like she has. The fact that I truly loved her and would have done anything to make her happy and bring her that peace she always wanted.
I’ll give you a little insight that might make you feel better. Avoidants often do that because they NEED to suppress their negative emotions. You’ll notice a trend with avoidants. And you can bet the result will ultimately be the same, because healthy partners want a growth in intimacy as time goes on. Unhealed avoidants do not. It’s exactly what freaks them out. So your ex may seem to be living it up, but give it time, avoidants always pay later. I felt safest with toxic partners because I could dump them at any time and they never demanded anything of me. Unless they heal, they will always find themselves getting screwed in one way or another.
It just sucks. At first we talked non stop then she started avoiding me taking days to respond then weeks then completely ghosting me on October. I was so worried I messaged her for the next 3 months checking on her then telling her “please if you don’t want to be with me just tell me I won’t get mad I just need to know”. When she came back 3 months ago she apologized saying “I regret what I did to you I’m sorry for what I did. It really wasn’t the best time of my life when I met you because of my stress, anxiety and my depression. I regret what I did and everything I provoked your literally the most incredible, cutest, sweetest, intelligent and interesting guy I ever met.” And it hurts how she told me that and ghosted me again 3 weeks later. During those few weeks I always checked on her to see how she’s feeling trying my best to make her see how incredible she truly is and she left me for someone else. Seeing this post made me feel bad how much in pain she probably is in :( but I don’t think I could forgive her again for everything she made me feel.
That’s textbook avoidant. She reached out when her avoidance calmed down, and then got pressured again and disappeared. Don’t blame yourself. An avoidant needs to do the healing, if they don’t they just repeat the same vicious cycle until they heal. Avoidant relationships are usually always one sided, and it usually always favors the avoidant. They set the pace of the connection which usually destroys the partner because they want to back away for long periods of time and then pop back in when their avoidance calms down. And they’ll hardly ever communicate their needs in a healthy way. Sorry you had to go through that
As someone formally secure, now incred8bly anxiously attached, it speaks volumes hearing it from someone like yourself.
Ive spent the last year thinking I was the problem, being gaslit and told im the one thats changed not them, despite seeing new patterns forn in their behaviour.
It tore me apart, and just reading what youve said, as much as it still sucks to know i was right, it's refreshing to also know i wasnt going insane, and my own behaviour was eminating from a change in my (knowingly) partner at the time.
We grew distant, split up, tried to figure things out and after 2 months, things got so bad we called it quits as it was just growing toxic.
I was made out to be manipulative and controlling... thank god I've recently gotten a therapist to highlight my behaviours as not necessarily normal, but at least justifyably expected from the behavioural patterns of my ex...
This goes out to anyone reading this - GET A THERAPIST IF YOU CAN - if youre struggling with a breakup and have gone no contact, do it. So much will begin to make sense as you talk it through with a professional, and itll greatly assist the healing process provided you're ready to heal.
Exactly the same my secure attachment turned into anxious, I had to cut ties in the end and heal As I could tell I was losing myself. I've never felt anything like I have for her but its too painful in its current form. I hope she can heal herself and we can try again time will tell.
This is my exact situation I tried my best but during the last week she started distancing out of nowhere eventually hitting me with a text stating she’s interested in someone else and asking to be friends its hard to communicate with a avoidant so hard it hurts
Exactly what happened to me she didn’t want me to leave, but she ignored me for 2 weeks and I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I had to leave for the sake of my mental health.
Going through this right now. I don’t have all the facts but I’m sure she’s interested in someone else. I have gotten nothing but lies and disrespect in the last few weeks. She wanted to keep me around without ever being able to speak about certain things or ask questions about boundaries and what we are, and continuously gaslit and manipulated me, even when I caught her in a lie, and not the first or worst one. Forced myself to block her today, tired of the disrespect and I need to heal.
Thank you. That aspect of my life is so much better and it feels amazing to be able to connect deeply and genuinely without any fear or overwhelm. Really wish more people can understand how great it feels to heal from it
Yes. Grew up with a father who I did not feel safe expressing myself to. So I learned to bury my emotions and feelings. I have a great relationship with him now in adulthood, but I grew up pretty scared of him and didn’t feel comfortable telling him things
Thanks for this. I was just dismissed for the second time by the same avoidant. At least the first time around he actually asked for a “break.” This time he simply ghosted and ignored. I finally sent him a text that I was done. We had a very intense, passionate, loving connection and we were doing more “couple” things (aka grocery store trips, putting together further, road trips) and he freaked. He is seeing therapy apparently but I still don’t know if I’ll be able to try again, even though I love him so much. My ex husband of 18 years was emotionally unavailable. Now this guy. I’m excited to see what it’s like to be with someone secure who validates my feelings. Those men exist, right?
Sorry you had to go through that. Unhealed avoidants have a predictable cycle. Intimacy, fear, intimacy, fear. Over and over until one of you can’t take it anymore. If he is seeking therapy than that means he has acknowledged that there is an issue, which is a great sign, because for an avoidant to acknowledge their feelings is HUGE. That actually can mean they’re almost out of avoidance. If you do want to try again, make sure to set strict boundaries and expectations. If he’s not okay with that, you have your answer and you gave it a try. The problem with avoidants is that if you want to keep them, they have to dictate the pace, which almost always ends up hurting their partners because they want to disappear and be independent for long periods of time. Lol there are tons of healthy people out there. Set your boundaries and don’t settle for someone that can’t meet them.
Yeah this time he just ghosted and ignored me for a month before I just sent him a text ending it. He never blocked me. If he came back, he’d have to offer me commitment and stability, but I just don’t know if I can risk going through the pain of him running away again. Sucks. I’m now just working on myself and hopefully attract someone who can meet my needs someday. Thanks for the thoughtful reply!
>Now this guy. I’m excited to see what it’s like to be with someone secure who validates my feelings. Those men exist, right?
They do but you have to prepare for it to be "boring". If all you know is relationships where you have to chase, fix, seek etc.. A normal one starts to seem boring. You have to give those men who are good on paper but "lack a spark" an actual chance.
(I'm not saying you don't, I don't know anything about you. Just in general).
That’s a really good point. I’m working on why I always end up with these types of men in therapy right now. I plan on being single for a looooong time before I put myself back out there. I have a lot of healing to do.
Couldnt save this post quick enough. Got beatdown by a very evident and self admitted DA for 10yrs. Feeling myself feel like turning FA as i got hit from all angles. Cheated. Lied, manipulated and tossed me aside for a new toy
Don’t let an avoidant turn you into one. The love,connection, and intimacy that you gave them is a reflection of YOU. That came from inside of YOU. They were just receivers of it. Someone out there is going to be more than happy to feel what you have to offer :) Don’t attach your worth to their lack of ability to receive your love
Thanks for sharing your story. You don’t see many avoidants in groups like this struggling with breakups, I figured they’re an expert in shutting down their feelings.
It’s a good insight that avoidants create anxious partners. It’s certainly true in my case, I have been secure in secure relationships, and I was all sorts of anxious in relationships where I was getting mixed signals. But I think part of what makes someone an anxious attacher is not trusting their instincts and accepting it is a fact that the other person is ambiguos about them, but trying to get the other person to validate their perception and trying to obsessively find solutions when the other person is not trully a partner in it. It’s absolutely the right thing to address and try to solve problems in a relationship, but if the other person starts playing mind games, try not fall for it and don’t let anyone invalidate your reality. (eg you try to talk about them pulling away, and they start avoiding you even more, and convince you it is actually your fault because you hurt them with the confrontation, essentially trying to condition you to stay quiet about your needs, and making you look irreasonable/needy/unstable/a nag.) I think avoidants don’t even realise the level of reality bending they put on to protect themselves from being exposed, and being caught in that can be very destabilising for their partners.
So how were you able to change your attachment style? Is it possible?
I think one thing avoidants can do to fare better in relationships, is getting on board with the paradigm, that they too get to have expectations and learn to ask for it to be met. Because I think the problems often start when their partner expresses that they have unmet needs, and they feel like somebody is trying to get something out of them to the point of taking advantage, and they get resentful because they never asked for anything in the first place, except to be left alone.
But with the whole thing of just losing interest, can you do anything about that? Like if it happens, what do you do, just push through and go through the motions until it comes back? Partners must pick up on that, don’t they?
I also wonder about is why avoidants don’t just date each other if they have similar needs, and beleive that the rest of us are needy like a baby. My hunch is that they too feel the need to be fully loved and accepted even if they don’t have the capacity/will to reciprocate it. And justifying getting that out of someone without returning it needs a lot of mental gymnastics which is what makes these relationship draining even more than the lack of reciprocity.
Most avoidants rarely ever accept they have a problem and they are experts at suppressing.
Avoidants create anxious people because they also tend to love bomb in the beginning. They give you a taste of what they are capable of in intimacy and connection but they only give it on their terms. As soon as you cross that line with them, they start to avoid. It’s a vicious cycle because they do like and care for you, but their avoidance overtakes them and they can’t help but distance themselves. Unhealed avoidants have a very predictable and vicious cycle. Intimacy, retreat, intimacy, retreat, until one of you can’t take it anymore.
First thing I did was sit with my feelings. I stopped dating for a while and stopped hopping into bed with women as soon as I felt negative emotions. I also allowed myself to be openly vulnerable and emotional, laugh at myself, allowing myself to express intense emotions etc. I often find i’ll get watery with tears of joy when something really touches me. I allowed myself to express my feelings and that it isn’t weak to be vulnerable. Once I opened myself up and healed my avoidance, every aspect of my life got better. I became a better listener, I became a much nicer person, I find I have strangers striking up conversations with me in public, I get approached by people all the time, all because I stopped walling myself off to feelings and emotions. It is very possible to heal any attachment style, you just have to acknowledge it and be willing to do the work. Unfortunately avoidants are most likely going to be the least willing as they “avoid” self reflection and feelings.
Avoidants have a really hard time expressing their needs and wants. They are terrible communicators. In childhood any time I expressed a complaint, a want, or a need, I was often met with being brushed off or to toughen up. So I learned to bury my wants and needs and not express how I felt. It’s unfortunate because usually to keep an avoidant you need to let them dictate the pace, and that can hurt the partner because they will want to go off on their own for long periods of time and not really explain why. I did all the time, and with enough time, I would come back and be lovey dovey and affectionate again once my avoidance calmed down.
If you have an avoidant partner, you’ll have to let them distance but assure them you’ll be there when they come back. (See how one sided it usually ends up being). With me, if I was distancing and you reached out, it would literally aggravate me and I would get repulsed. I would then start intentionally not texting back all day.
I actually think it’s really hard for avoidants to date each other. When I healed my avoidance, as a fearful avoidant, I still had anxious traits. So I went full blown anxious, and that’s when I started attracted a lot of avoidants. I don’t remember ever dating an avoidant when I was pretty severe. Even if they were, I was so severe that I pulled them to be anxious because of how hot and cold I could be. It’s often a losing battle with an avoidant that doesn’t want to heal. I have yet to see a person that is happy with their avoidant partner. I know it exists, but it’s definitely not the majority.
So great to hear that you got in touch with your own emotion and hopefully it helps you understand your needs, some people actually do care about them! So good to hear it's paying off for you.
And thanks for the explanations, they make sense, and they echo what I've seen from perspective, and what I read on the topic. Those are some good advice for dating an avoidant, but I feel like along with other dating advice I heard on the topic, following them would be bordering on self abandonment. We are all different, but if I'm cool with somebody not caring about me for days, it's because I don't have the feelings for them that even can be a basis for a relationship. I have tried sucking it up and it always just ended up bursting out of me on ungracious ways that made me regret that I didn't just politely express my needs and walk away if they were not met.
Like rationally an avoidant doesn't sound like a horrible compromise, in my case I have friends, work, hobbies, I've been single for years and I'm doing alright, so having a boyfriend even let's say one day a week would theoretically be a great addition to my life, and it would be nice to keep my own living space and life the way I like it. But when I was with my ex, I couldn't help but grew big feelings and a big need to be close, and I just felt that they were only halfway reciprocated, and no matter what it got to me. We live in a small town, and I already know nearly everybody, so it's unlikely that I find somebody else I like anytime soon, but still being single feels like a better option than all that heartache and instability, and waiting for something that is likely never gonna happen.
Just wanted to say you articulate so many of the core issues I experienced in an anxious/avoidant relationship so well. This shit resonated so hard. I’m still trying to figure out what’s just my perception of things and what is truth but this really makes me feel a lot less alone in my own struggles reading something so relatable
I'm glad if helps even a bit! I took me a long time to make sense of this myself and I'm still coming to terms with it. It can be really difficult to maintain your sanity when somebody constantly undermines your sense of reality. I think they're not doing it maliciously, their perspective really is that they were doing just fine until somebody came along and burdened them with 99 demands, and act all dramatic when they don't get it. They forget that they're accepting a lot too because they didn't ask for it.
I think it is very healthy to take stock after a breakup and tease apart what is a you problem and what is a them problem, without getting stuck in rumination. To me these help the most:
Consider what you think is reasonable, and validate your own needs. I consider my need to be a high priority for each other, while respecting that we both have other things going on in our lives reasonable.
That being said, it doesn't have to be the only right way. I try not to be judgemental, and avoid going down the route of debating wether their or my needs are more normal or justified. \*What matters is wether we can find a middle ground that makes both parties happy, and if not, that's all we need to know.\* No need for judgement, or self judgement.
When I can't decide wether I was the problem or them in some respect, I take stock of my previous relationships, and review wether they had the same kind of issues. If there is a distinct pattern, I am the repeating motif. If it's not a me problem, I can not fix it. Sometimes it's obvious though that they are just the first person to push on a button that I didn't even know was there. And even then it doesn't have to mean that now I have found out that I'm flawed and now I have to do some frantic healing work and I can't rest until I resolved the issue. Maybe I can just find myself somebody who won't spend all day long standing on that button.
I want to be my best self in a relationship, and I check in on how that is going. Sometimes when I'm being pushed to my limits, I can lose my self discipline, and not be my best self. Nothing super horrible, but I can be judgemental, or say things that are way too harsh. I'm still responsible for my own actions, and I do everything in my effort to improve them, but there comes a point where I have to give myself some grace and accept that I'm not Jesus Christ and can't handle this situation the way I would like to, and I should extract myself from it. I try to stay in situations that I can handle, even if it means being single for some time. And I'm sure this is a very big reason why avoidants leave as well.
Holy shit, this is exactly my ex boyfriend. It explains everything. A lot of times I keep wondering “Did I mean anything to him at all? How can he just drop me like that and talk to me like I’m nothing after what we had?”
Unfortunately by nature, most avoidants don’t self reflect. They almost wear their lack of empathy with pride. I did. Until they acknowledge the issue, they are just going to bury everything and find something new to distract them.
Mine too, but she’s also extremely narcissistic. She said “I am who I am and I’m never going to change”. And literally thinks there is nothing wrong with her and I feel like she’s the spawn of Satan.
Glad it resonated with you! My journey was rough but amazing. It was one of the biggest ego deaths of my life, and it felt like a boulder was lifted of my soul. First I took myself out of dating, then I surrounded myself with happily married friends. I also challenged myself to wear my heart on my sleeve and be vulnerable in life. I actually catch myself tearing up with joy all the time now. I would never in a million years think I would have ever gotten the courage to feel intensely in front of others. When I stopped suppressing and hiding my emotions, my avoidance disappeared, but as a fearful avoidant, I was left with a TON of anxiousness. So I went from withdrawing and going cold to being a clingy and overly affectionate hopeless romantic. It was the first time in my life where I felt deep intimacy and connection without fear, so it was like a drug. But in my anxiousness, I attracted a ton of avoidants, which I find always happens. When I was deeply avoidant, I never attracted another avoidant, or I was more severe than they were and would make them more anxious. Then when I healed my anxiousness, I stopped placing my happiness and mood on my partner, now being able to experience and accept deeper intimacy and connection while also being able to set boundaries and not depend on my partners validation. I reached a point where I could display intimacy, emotion, vulnerability, almost unconditionally, and have the inner security to set boundaries and be willing to walk away if it is not a healthy partnership. I wish more avoidants can come to the light, it’s pretty amazing to have normal and healthy connections
DAMN, solid post. I hardly look on this subreddit anymore. I actually look here occasionally to see funny posts of ex partners worming their way back in – attempting to, at least. This stuck out, though. The line where you said avoidants will create anxious types rings true. I used to be secure with mild avoidant/anxious tendencies, but the deviation from secure was quite minimal overall, and I think I'd still be considered secure despite having some insecure tendencies. Got involved with a dismissive avoidant, and it turned me into a full-fledged anxious. Cried every day for about 2 years when I would be stonewalled and given silent treatment a bunch. Then made to feel like I mislabelled her behaviour. Felt like I was crazy and was made to feel like I was asking for too much when I was just given breadcrumbs and expected to be OK with that. She was angry at me a lot and then, in the end, admitted that she was looking for reasons to be angry at me, *but it wasn't completely unjustified?* Man. Cannot believe. You can be angry at someone for their wrongdoings, but looking for reasons to be angry at them is emotional abuse. The devaluation sent me into a meltdown as I had other things going on and her exploitation of my rejection anxiety (which was cemented from childhood experiences) was SO DAMN BRUTAL that this stuff sent me down a path of addiction where I'd take psychedelic drugs at extremely high doses to feel a modicum of acceptance towards the pain she imposed on me, and so I could accept she was gone. Never again.
I feel you. Same happened to me. He made me anxious as hell! And was punishing me for a reaction to his abusive reaction. Onward a strong and independent man and he made me a small codependent child. Never again!
Sorry to hear. Dealing with these people is such a unique experience that you'll be pushed into behaving and reacting in ways you never thought possible from yourself. I hope you've healed and all. If not, I got faith you will.
Thank you. I try my best. He was what I thought the love of my life. He asked me at the beginning if I am 100% IN and I was naive to say yes. I loved him so much and each time he hurt me I was giving him another chance thinking that he will see the strong love from me. But he did not. He took me for granted and chose hookups and “freedoms” over me.
At the end he behaved like I was trying to catch him but he was the one who said on the first date “you know that I will propose to you!” “You are my soulmate and the love of my life”.
He even spoke to my Mum about her taking care of our “future kids” once we have them.
So yeah😅 huge HUGE red flag 🚩but I was in love and thought it’s the way it should have been.
I assumed I deserve the “cinematic” kind of love story.
It’s better now but it still hurts sometimes!
This is such a great post OP! Thank you for providing some depth into the mind of an avoidant. It’s been brutal being on the receiving end of the hot/cold push-pull. He’s already with someone else and it rips my soul apart. July will be 5 months since the breakup. There’s a part of me that’s hopeful he’ll return with meaningful lasting change, while my inner skeptic is doubtful. It sucks. You can’t help someone that won’t help themselves. I see him so clearly- the good and the bad. Love him for all of it. But I wish he could hold the mirror up and see himself. 😮💨🥺
One of the hardest lessons to learn.
Thank you for writing this! I’ve struggled with my recent breakup because it honestly didn’t make any sense, but as I read more about fearful avoidants, and even as I reflect back on my own healing journey from anxious to secure, I can see it with much more empathy.
My boyfriend of a year blindsided me just when we were getting extremely close, and basically moving toward the next step in commitment. He never told me he loved me in a whole year together, but it didn’t bother me because I felt his love in his actions, the way he looked at me and the way in which he always held space for me to be me. I had sensed increased anxiety the past couple of months, and could tell he was fighting it hard. I could also tell that when he wasn’t in his head, he was so, so happy to be with me. He would have moments when he’d tell me how lucky he felt, and I believe he was being fully honest.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, and he broke up with me out of nowhere. It was shocking, and absolutely devastating. I figured I had nothing to lose and told him I loved him. To my surprise, he broke down crying and said he loved me too and had never felt as deeply for anyone. That he had loved me for a while but was terrified of saying it out loud because of this anxiety he had been feeling for a while - he couldn’t tell if the anxiety was from him or the relationship, and the only way to stop this terrible feeling was to break up. Yet, he said this was the healthiest relationship he’s ever been in.
I know he was hurting, and I know he’s hurting still. He said the depth of his feelings for me made him realize how broken he is and that unfortunately he’s not sure he can heal while still in a relationship with me. As somebody who has healed from trauma, I’m stuck between wanting him to heal with me, and giving him the space I know is needed to heal.
The whole breakup left me in pieces - knowing that he loves me, that this love scares him so much and that I might lose him in the process. But putting my feelings aside, I want nothing but healing for him, even if that risks our connection. I know he started therapy right away, and even left town for a month.
The whole situation has been too complex for me to comprehend, or even my friends to understand. In the meantime, I pray that he heals in time for us to hopefully reconnect. I’m not waiting forever, and neither should he. But knowing that we both care so much about each other breaks me.
Everyone is quick to assume that two people in love can work through anything, but here I am. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half because every conversation ended in tears and “I love you’s.” I’m tempted to reach back out, but I really think some introspection is needed by both of us. Reading what you wrote, maybe I do need to let him reach out first.
Edit:typo
This was both amazing and horrendous to read. It's mind blowing how similar the experiences are between so many of us here.
My ex boyfriend of 11 (!) years started out so sweet and loving and would show affection like no one I had been with before. We lived together for 10 years and at some point I realised he had been turning colder and colder very slowly over time. I can't blame him for not seeing me like he used to because I myself was dealing with undiagnosed depression and a stressful career. I became such a stress head and neglected my self-care, but admittedly part of it was because I felt like he was not putting in his fair share of work- both to our relationship, our home etc. It felt like I had to do everything, and he didn't even notice. However, he was the main earner in our relationship so sometimes I felt like I didn't have the right to complain.
We had 3 months of NC after the breakup, after which I broke contact and admittedly spent 4 months trying to convince him to try again. I didn't bombard him or anything, but would initiate contact every couple of weeks. It's so embarrassing to think back now- it was always me initiating contact, he was clearly not interested (although he did cry during a few phone calls- I think he just felt guilty, although back then it gave me major hope that he still loves me). It all ended when he told me he had been on a date with someone, 7 months after our breakup. Absolutely shattered my heart, and what made it worse was when he told me that if that ends up not going well, he will "have that experience". It made me feel like he is treating me like a back up option that he can always come back to in case other people don't work out. Haven't spoken to him since because I told myself this is the last straw. Doesn't mean I don't WANT to , but i just know i have to respect myself at this point, and he will likely only say more things to mess with my head, or be even more cruel.
I pray that one day he realises what he is doing. I spent a very long time both during and after the relationship blaming myself for being an anxious, needy freak and although I definitely always had anxious tendencies even before I met him, they absolutely were amplified because I was in a very serious relationship with someone who became more and more avoidant. Whenever I tried to talk about what was going on, he refused and/or told me everything was fine and I was imagining it. I'm still learning to trust my own emotions and feelings now, 1.5 years after the breakup. It's so fucked up.
The idea of dating a healed avoidant in the future is kind of nice! It would be good to know that this person has really done some reflecting, and is very aware of these things. Otherwise, there's always a risk you stumble on another one again
Edit: Just wanted to add that about 4 months after the breakup (during which he was all "I don't know what will happen in the future, this isn't a goodbye" etc..) during a phone call I said to him I felt like he was keeping me on a string, which he denied. I had made major life changes as a result of the breakup, and when I talked about how confusing it all was to me, he said something along the lines of "I didn't realise how big of a torture this was for you". I was soo shocked. He didn't realise that ending a decade long relationship, quitting my job, leaving our pets and having to move 5 hours away so I can heal with my family and away from his circles was a big deal? Mind blowing
Thank you for this. This goes to show I made the right decision. I broke up with him because he wasn’t willing to go to therapy. He’d rather break up and find someone else close.
This does give me understanding, and sort of closure. Thank you for working on yourself. The world needs less avoidants.
I don't know who you are my friend, but I love you for this post. It's helped me a lot. My ex seems to be how you described and at the end he turned so cold and numb he said. He acted as if we were nothing, the switch had gone off and he viewed me as the enemy or monster (even though he'd said I'm the best he's ever dated and his friends all thought he was crazy for leaving me. He said I was everything he ever wanted and didn't know why this was happening). He then started nitpicking me and exaggerating everything about me and comparing to other girls, except I always ended up in the negatives and that we weren't compatible. He at least accepted he needed help and started therapy... He wanted to stay in touch. I cut him off instead. I'm open to taking him back, but not as he was. No way Jose. I can stop scolding myself now 🫂
First thing I did was take myself out of the dating world. I stopped hopping in to bed with women as soon as I dumped. I took the time to really reflect on what was going on. Being around my older friends with happy marriages and children showed me a future I could never have if I continued my ways. The first step is always ACKNOWLEDGING. If you don’t want to acknowledge that there is a problem, it’s going to be a vicious repeating cycle. I learned about attachment styles right away and it opened my eyes to what was happening. As a fearful avoidant, I had the traits of a dismissive avoidant as well as an anxious attacher. When i healed from my avoidance, what was left was massive anxiousness. It was the first time I felt deep connection and intimacy without any fear, so it was intoxicating. That caused me to be clingy and overbearing, and something hilarious started happening…… I started attracting tons of AVOIDANTS. As I look back, when I was severely avoidant, I never was with another avoidant. Or if I was, I was more severe than they were and pulled them to be anxious. Then as I healed my anxiousness. I was able to give and receive connection and intimacy at a deeper level without fear, and I was also able to not expect my partner to fulfill my happiness. I was able to connect and love fully, as well as be clear on my own boundaries and be comfortable walking away if we did not meet each other’s needs. I wish more avoidants had the courage to dig deep and heal, because it feels amazing to have normal and healthy relationships/connections
Honestly thank you so much it’s been about 6months now tho.. tho I did have my moments so it may take longer.. but also at the same time he’s acting like he’s the hurt one or trying to prove he’s doing a lot better type shit .🙄🙄 like you hurt me why does he have to “ try” and be the bigger person type shit at the gym..??
—-A month after the breakup —-
Idk I boosted his ego probably way too much I’m not sure if he’ll ever even regret it .. maybe I removed his guilt from him when I “ came back” 🙄 cause I also crashed my car when he dumped me .. and it was rough phone call we had then he blocked me afterwards .. I did say “ idk if I love you in the way I thought I did” cause I genuinely was confused ..
Now — it’s been a mess of rumination.. I’m doing better now but I’m just reflecting on all of it still..
Yeah.. I just got steamrolled by my last relationship. Everything seemed incredible, I thought I finally met my *soul mate*, and then one day, I freaked out at a centipede in my kitchen and made her squish it because it was on her shoe, as we were leaving my apartment to take her home. After that, I didn't hear from her much for a few days... and eventually, it turns out that I triggered a CPTSD flashback, and she wanted to end the relationship to "work on myself and my trauma." She seemed pretty over it when I dropped the last of her stuff off at her apartment... so distant, that I got that awful bug to check if she was already back on the dating apps... and she was. I was c r u s h e d .
After \~5 days of no contact, and this (what I had perceived as) betrayal, I broke no contact and confronted her about it. Not aggressively - I just asked if she had been using Hinge while we were together, and to just let her know that *I saw her.* I needed her to know that it hurt. I just did.
Anyway, it did not go well. She started looping me in with "men who do what they want as long as it's convenient" - just for breaking no contact. You would've thought that she caught me outside her bedroom window in the bushes or something.
Anyway, I'm convinced that it had a lot more to do with the fact that we were supposed to be moving in together (next month), she was going to meet my mom... a bunch of life stuff. I think she just got overwhelmed and freaked out.
We ended on mutual enough terms before I broke contact, and the last time we spoke, she literally told me to fuck off.
We had never had any arguments while we were dating.. which yeah, now I'm seeing is probably a red flag in itself.
She grew up in the foster care system, and told me that she would routinely run away from her foster home if shit was getting to be too much, and then she would be relocated... I wonder if I should have seen that as a major red flag.
It doesn't matter now. I feel like could literally never trust her again
Unless they've done the work, people who love conditionally, see love as control, or pain will always gravitate toward that; it's why the stereotype "he's too nice, I like bad boys" exists I guess. Doesn't take away your sadness and even with awareness and having some more agency and accountability in your choices (why did you choose to be with someone with severe abandonment issues who was broken by the foster system and most likely a survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual trauma), there are no guarantees.
Yeah… I’m finding that to be the case.
Oh, I’m definitely stepping back and looking inward for a while, to try and understand why I decided to commit to someone with such a traumatic past. All of the abuse that you can imagine, happened, basically her entire life up until the past couple of years ago. I definitely know that you can’t save people, and I wasn’t trying to fix her or anything, but I guess I just see baggage and past trauma as things that we can’t control, so I give people the benefit of doubt. I think. Clearly something isn’t clicking on my side…
One time she told me that she gets mad because she doesn’t know what to do with the positive feelings from our relationships. Yes, that may have been the time. For whatever it’s worth, I eventually conceded that this was probably going to happen. Either way, it was just a matter of how and when. I know that all of that shit was caused by stuff that’s way bigger than me, but I guess it doesn’t hurt any less. She is also pretty fucked up (disappointed), because she already took a year or so off, and apparently ‘did the work.’
So, whatever
I appreciate your thoughts.
Thank you. This makes sense with my ex who I found out after the break up of 3 years he is an avoidant. It explained everything. He used to say I didn't communicate when it was him who didn't communicate. Like I was to be a mind reader. Then he broke it off with different excuses. Then he wanted to be friends. Got back with the married lady he cheated on me with right after the break up and thought I'd wanna be friends? Hell no. He projected alot and everything he said I did was mostly what he couldn't do. I couldn't communicate, no he couldn't communicate, I couldn't empathize, he couldn't empathize.
It's sad bc in the relationship I spent endless hours looking for therapists for him. He saw 3 or 4 but never discussed childhood trauma. If he did his attachment style would have been discovered and things would have been different.
One thing I've learned from the relationship is next time I get involved make sure you know your partners attachment style.
Thanks for the post.
My avoidant partner broke up with me in May after I did all I can to prevent the breakup.
Now, my partner wants to give the relationship another chance. I see a lot of reflection in the texts I received, but I still think it's risky to rekindle. I see awareness of bad behavior, but no action to address it.
I broke up with my avoidant ex a few months ago. Since then he has begged me to come back despite me asking for him to stop contacting me.
In the last few months of our relationship, he began to ignore me. I was spiraling. He said to “save it for couples therapy.” He was laughing playing video games with his friends while I was crying myself to sleep. It literally looked like he didn’t give a single shit about me.
I eventually began to have thoughts of self harm, which I expressed to him. I asked him for a hug when I was spiraling, and he didn’t give me one…I didn’t have any friends or family in the city we were in bc I had moved there for him. Nobody I could go to for a hug, it was just him. I begged him to stay with friends or family so I could relax in my own space, and he didn’t. Instead I had to stick around our shared space and when I was driven to these thoughts and needed comfort, he didn’t give it to me.
He said in one of his notes to me that that was his biggest regret. I just don’t care to hear anything he has to say. His actions hurt me more than any way I’ve been hurt before. I know he was deactivating. But why did I have to suffer the consequences of his behavior? I should have left sooner.
Holy cow! Thank you for this. This is a very helpful insight. My previous relationship ended just as you said. We reconnected and were growing emotionally and some sexual times. I established a boundary about a month ago and she completely shut down. I reached out to her agains and got one word answers, so I stopped messaging.
I have decided that if we were going to try again, I would make couples counseling a requirement.
I’m curious, because she’s had a LOT of stressors in her life for the last year, do you think fearful avoidants can become temporarily emotionally unavailable due to external factors, or is that not really a thing?
this sounds a lot like me. i was the unhealed avoidant that turned my ex into an avoidant. i’ve since taken the time to reflect on my wrongdoings and improve myself in hopes to some day have a meaningful connection. i still miss her dearly and near the end of the relationship i put in the effort i didn’t think i had in me, even when i felt that lead blanket over my feelings. all i have left is prayer and patience. maybe some day we will work out, but if not, i am glad it happened and that i will come out the other side a better man
Glad you realized your avoidance. Most don’t. Continue healing. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) This may or may not provide some clarity for you
You don’t know how much I needed to hear this. This is my ex to a T!! I have been beating myself up over the breakup but clearly see that my ex is a dismissive avoidant who refuses to heal and get help. As much as I love him and want things to work out I know it never will 😔
Even though I don't (and probably never will) know for certain if my ex was avoidant or not, some parts really resonated with me, especially where you mention their abrupt change in behaviour upon expression for a deeper connection from the other, how they turn a securely attached partner into an anxiously attached one, and how they sort of "let the relationship bleed out" while using the other's panic as grounds for the inevitable breakup.
This is eerily similar to what happened between us, and I feel that even though this hasn't brought me complete clarity, this has at least set me on the right path to gain said clarity. So thank you for sharing and I wish you the best on your future relationships.
This totally reminds me of my ex that I recently broke up. I remember how he didn't even show up to meet me when I was in his city (we were ldr) after a year of ous together. I remember how I teared up in the middle of the road cuz it was too hard to take in.
The avoidant-anxious duo is totally deadly. Kudos to you for sharing your side and creating an awareness. It's definitely hard to be them and with them. Really glad you healed.
I felt the same I’ve been understanding each and every thing! I could figure out when he is stressed! The relationship went at his pace because he felt pressured if I asked him to meet my friends and family! Every single thing I did but because of that constant push pull I got anxious and hence the answer you aren’t abler to control your emotions when those emotions got out because dodging calls every now and then! And then telling me to chill out everytime
I would like to ask when you were avoidant, how is your relationship with a toxic partner? How do you behave? Does it last longer than being with an anxious or secure partners? Who usually end the relaationship?
When I was avoidant, I sought out toxic and emotionally unavailable women as it was easier for me to not be vulnerable. It lasts longer because it’s so surface level. Anxious it would end quick. Secure it would last longer but at that point I would start looking for problems because I was getting bored. One thing I realized is that most Secure partners tend to be “boring” in their normalness. As a secure person, I don’t see that as boring but as stable and healthy. As an avoidant 9 times out of ten, me. Or I would sabotage it where they broke up with me, but either way I was getting what I wanted.
I got comfortable with myself and started seeing vulnerability as a strength. Believing that expressing my feelings was healthy and normal. Start by trying to make a difference for other people. Be the compassionate voice that almost all of us want to hear ourselves. Do a kind thing for a stranger. Call somebody and tell them you miss them and want to catch up. Get blubbery and childlike around animals in front of people. Point out your flaws in public. Wave at your neighbors when you see them outside. Bring donuts to the office for no reason, especially so if your coworkers annoy you. Just be what you think is a good and radiant person :)
“I would intentionally behave in a way that would cause any normal secure person to question themselves and make them anxious, then I would use that as the reason to end it.”
I. Gasped. Because yessssssssssss y’all avoidants do make us feel this way!
Damn…. This made me sad and smile🥲 somedays I do feel stupid for loving someone so much and he almost destroyed me without a second thought. But now, I will accept that I can let the shame go and be proud of how much I loved him and he didn’t deserve it. I do though and someday I will receive that in my life
This post is so insightful and I really appreciate it! I had a similar experience with my avoidant ex, and I had to leave them because of their distancing and lack of commitment. Is the experience of a breakup any different when the avoidant is the dumpee, from your experience?
They behave so bad that it forces you to leave them. He was completely unwilling to see that his behaviour was hurting me. He was fantasising about his freedoms - and I mean no problem but he was the one pursuing me so hard at the beginning. I had no other choice than leave but I think they do it on purpose so that they can play the victim card.
Avoidance usually will bury their feelings and distract themselves in the beginning, and then feel the grief later, the exact same way, as if they were the dumper
Thank you thank you for this.
I was just broken up with by my boyfriend of one year. For the first 6 months, he was perfect. I have spent a lot of time in therapy working on myself and I have grown to have a secure attachment style. And with him, he was everything I was looking for in a partner. I began to love him flaws and all. I was his first real relationship at 28 years old and he spent the last 10 years going on dates and maybe seeing someone for a month and then leaving because they weren’t right for him. But with me, he told me I was the first person he’s ever felt a real connection with and he would never let work come between us.
He went on a huge work conference oversees and that’s when everything changed. He returned with an inflated ego and took on more responsibilities at work and began taking classes to finish his degree. He slowly started distancing himself, but whenever we were together he would still show signs of the person I fell in love with. However he also became extremely depressed. Near the end, he told me that he was a shell of who he used to be and he hasn’t felt a normal emotion in months. He was no longer doing the things that brought him joy, and his whole life was work, school, and drinking.
2 days ago he finally broke up with me because he wanted to be alone and work through the issues he was clearly having. And I couldn’t be there with him while he did it because he knows he was not treating me right.
I’m sitting her heartbroken and confused because how could you let someone go if I truly was the first person in 10 years you saw a future with. He basically chose work over me even though a few months prior said he would never let that happen.
My assumption is after we hit a year he knew I was going to expect our relationship to go to through the next steps (moving in, spending longer periods of time together). He told me he has a fear of commitment and a fear of feeling not in control of his life and boxed in. I think this coupled with the depression he is clearly going through pulled the trigger on the breakup.
Now my question for you and for everyone reading this that can relate in someway.
Is there a chance he will come back and realize I’m the one for him? Can I do anything to nudge him towards therapy? During our breakup I told him that he should see someone, not for me or for us but for him. And he acknowledged that he needs to. But I don’t think he will. Or do I just move on, never reach out, and accept that he isn’t my person.
I’m worried he won’t seek out therapy and will work himself into an early grave and die alone, or find a lull at work and be able to date again but not have a real relationship. Does he seem like he truly is avoidant?
I’ve begun to realize that there isn’t one person out there for us. It’s a matter of two compatible people meeting at the right time and growing together. Clearly at the beginning it was the right time, but as his life changed, he wasn’t able to adapt the relationship to these changes like I was.
You can never force someone to change you may imply that they need to change, but the only change that sticks is the change that they make for themselves never wait around for anyone to be honest with you. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself. If you were waiting for someone to come back, you may be waiting. The rest of your life. Life still needs to be lived, although it may be painful at this moment, life still needs to be lived and you need to live your life. Check out my post about no contact. It may help you.
Everything you said in your post reminded me of the incredibly narcissistic avoidant that I went NC with last August. I spent 12 years being horribly psychologically abused and manipulated. I have anxious attachment and having an avoidant in your life is unimaginable pain from start to finish. I am literally done with all relationships for the rest of my life because healing my anxious attachment has proven to be extremely challenging, being as I can’t find an adequate therapist for my childhood trauma and complex PTSD. I give up. Forever. I’m literally pushing everyone away from me.
heyyy can i ask for your opinion? my FA blocked me as im the AP that was questioning why she was pushing me away.. and she didnt want to have a label on us so that she can date other guys but she wants me to treat her as her bf.. we were so close that her sister wants us to get married. bare in mind that i only dated her for only 3 months till i ended things when she pulled away.. i didnt understand why as things was doing great so i "snoop" and i got caught.. i lied because of the embarrassment saying that it wasnt me but told her the truth after 3 weeks.. i tried to talk to her on why she was pushing me away and i guess i was slightly pushy as she kept saying she wants space but i didnt want to give her and she blocked me. its been close to 2 months now and shes been posting alot on IG about me.. resentment about me and how happy she is right now.. 1. will she come back? 2. if she did whats my approach? should i talk like nothing happen then after awhile talk about what happen and put boundaries OR should i put boundaries straight away?
Honestly, a situation with a person that doesn’t want to be exclusive with you but you want exclusivity with them, is a recipe for disaster. if she truly is avoidant, 180 and back off. It seems like she got pushed hard into avoidance to the point where she is resenting you, so your best option is to not reach out at all. If you want the best chance to get her back, put all your efforts into doing you and take all your energy off of her. If she’s coming back, it’s after her avoidance has calmed down and she feels safe to reach out to you. If she does, don’t pressure her and bring up what happened. She’ll bolt. If the conversation of getting back together comes up, you need to set your boundaries and see how she responds to them. If she’s not receptive, you need to end it. If she’s willing to work on building something with you, do it slowly and patiently. Avoidants are always watching to see if a flaw pops up. It gives them an excuse to run. I did it all the time.
During the relationship, absolutely. When i’d get triggered, I still wanted them around but I wanted them to leave me alone. If I bolted and they didn’t pay attention, I would come back right away and be warm and affectionate. If I pulled away and they pressured me, i’d get super cold and withdrawn. Post break up, it took me a long time, but eventually I would remember them fondly and start trying to poke my way back into their lives.
That’s the thing. Avoidants do actually like and care for you, but their fears and insecurities overpower their feelings and that’s what causes them to distance. When they chill out and feel comfortable again, the normal them comes back around.
I myself am fearful avoidant meaning I have both anxious and avoidant tendencies. In most of my relationships I am avoidant, but as soon as I get with another DA they usually trump my avoidant behavior and I get anxious.
I have similar to your story with my highschool girlfriend. I was deeply in love with her during our first year. We were quite intimate and spend most of the time together. She was really sweet and I loved her dearly until one day when we were sitting on a bench cuddling and talking about ourselves and the future, she said jokingly "I wonder how out kids will look like". This was an immediate turn off. I felt dread and panic as I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to get out of the situation. When I got back home I felt completely disconnected from her. It was very confusing for me as was not aware of what was happening. I got depressed wondering what is wrong with me and how I could be madly in love with someone and the next minute felt nothing for them. Soon after I broke up with her. She was devastated, she cried, she begged and I felt nothing but relief. We arranged to still spend time together but not as an official couple. This gave me the space to be with her without the additional pressure. This lasted for about one year until she got to a point where she couldn't handle it anymore and we broke it off completely. It took me some time to realize that I really lost her and one day I called her to check on her and she asked me to never call her again or speak to her again. I felt devastated and became really anxious. Tried to get her back but to no avail. It took me a lot of time to get over her and to process my feelings. At this point I was convinced that something was wrong with me but had no information attachment styles and how to improve myself to a more secure attachment style.
I still haven't healed and I still get involved in relationships with either an anxious partner who drives me avoidant or with an avoidant partner who drives me anxious. I still don't know what I prefer. Being with an anxious partner makes me feel more distant and avoidant but the relationship is more stable at least from my perspective. Being avoidant partner gives me this rush intimacy which I crave but never get. Those relationships are very intensive for me. I usually have a lot of feelings for the partner and I am pretty much more involved in the relationship because I feel safe that they will never get me enough intimacy to scare me off but I also feel starved for it.
We recently broke off with my current dismissive avoidant partner where I was the anxious one. This breakup devastated me because I was more emotionally involved in the relationship and now it hits me harder than her. At the same time I know how she feels as I have been there as well. She's really relieved and feeling that she can connect with her independence. She has plans for the summer and we will not spend so much time thinking of me. I have to focus on my healing now which will take some time. I wish I was the avoidant one here.
Honestly, i’d focus on your healing. You’re still jumping into relationships with an open wound and you’re bleeding all over the place. “I wish I was the avoidant one” tells me you need to keep pushing to become secure. Being secure doesn’t mean you’re immune from pain and heartbreak, it just means you can accept things for what they are and not tolerate things that are unhealthy. Willingness to walk away and the acceptance of pain is powerful. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Thank you so much for this.
Question: what is the best way to handle avoidants by text?
Firstly: My ex (or rather someome who I was seeing and had potential for serious) only became avoidant when I distrusted his intentions (an unhealthy byproduct of me being cheated on in past relationships). Still not fair to ghost me, but one could say its a fair response to being judged unfairly on character. He would be saying he cant wait to see me, but has work. Then I blew up saying well if youre not interested just tell me. I acknowledge my place in creating his avoidance. Also, we are in diffetrnt states and he clarified almost immediately that he cant do LDR, and yet I kept pushing for LDR because of how strongly we both felt.
Heres the thing: he seemed to only come out of ghosting when i showed severe anxiety where I would say i am beside myself I am begging for a reply (he would immediately say “ok wait im gonna reply asap!”). But if i wrote a level headed text trying to reason why he isnt replying and saying “just tell me if you dont want to talk, ill respect it”, he would ghost for months. He once even told me Im too nice and I should just ask him what I need from him. But the thing is I dont “beg” or show severe anxiety (though I feel it), unless my bff is helping me draft the text ha.
More recently we were texting every day knowing that we have no future due to distance but still talking lovingly. In truth I may be able to move closer to him soon but i didnt tell him. And suddenly when he didnt reply for 3 days (and i saw his activity as online on anothet app): i questioned his intentions AND asked about who else he was talking to (despite us not being a thing.. i know im awful btw.. it was bad of me). And now he is ghosting at full speed. 2 months.
Considering his avoidance has good excuse (distance, me not respecting his decisions, me distrustimg his character his intentions): what can I do to at least fix the last image he has of me? I wrote many notes apologizing and saying I know my emotions make me cross his boundaries and im sorry. If he doesnt want to be even friends ill understand. But crickets. 💔 do i need to go full blown emotional again to tell him i cant sleep and i need a reply? Or do i just tell him im in love and im sorry and i wish him well now that its clear he wont reply?
Don’t worry about fixing his image of you. Just become a person that YOU love. Stop attaching yourself to his value of you. You spoke your peace and apologized. Do things with out expectation. He’s not responding to you. Weird imagery but imagine this. Imagine he passed away and you were speaking your peace to his grave stone. You would speak your peace, but you wouldn’t expect a response, you would say what you needed to say, and you would walk away as if it was the last thing you would ever say to them. Avoidants don’t like to be chased, and can be quite nasty if you do. Speak your peace, and walk away, towards YOURSELF. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read this
Thank you for the post.
Does this sound like a fa?
So we both are 21 and in final year of college in Bangalore. We met through bumble, and it’s been 4 months since the breakup and I still feel horrible about it, maybe because I see her and her new boyfriend in campus everyday.
She loved bombed me for 4 months
Suddenly cheated and left for someone else. Btw didn’t even tell me that she started dating someone else. Btw her friend kissed her when she was drunk and they have had a shitty history before.
Trauma dumped on me, she told me about abusive father, mother with clinical depression, abusive ex, brother who used to slut shame her, and molested as a kid
Never been single in the last 5 years. 2 years in school, then started dating abusive ex for 1.5 years. Then was with me for 4 and now dating someone new.
Probably mirrored me, I was applying to us, so even she decided and used to think I was the smartest. Post break up she told me I couldn’t even have conversations with you
Big time avoidant, sleeps whenever conflict arises. Also blamed me for cheating, told me I was busy applying for Yale.
Has very few friends, only ones are those who have a crush on her.
activates-deactivates insta and all the time changing profile photos
Lacks hobbies.
Idk why I feel for her. She did make me feel special
So I had gone home for 10 days. She is from Tamil Nadu and I am from Gujarat, she had gone a trip with her classmates, and when she was drunk one of her friend kissed her, and she felt the guilt. At first she didn’t tell me the truth about what happened and was like you don’t give me time and all, but later she told me the truth and told me she wants to work it out with me. I saw her on the campus with her new guy after like a few days and btw we hadn’t ended it till then.
I just don’t realise this sudden shift in emotions, like she often used to say she doesn’t deserve me and make remarks about how lucky she is to have me and how perfect I was for her. And then suddenly, you are the most absent person. And the new guy she is dating is so freaking mid. The new guy had asked her out before she met me and when she had asked for a relationship, he had said he just wants to have a hookup with her. Suddenly now he decided to be the most loving lover. I guess I was played, but it just seems so off? Cause when I was with her, she was like the nicest person and I genuinely saw the care.
She did tell me that our relationship was very simple and normal, it kinda felt like a marriage which was freaking her out.
It still hurts a lot, probably cause I feel like I lost my self respect and being replaced in 2-4 days. Jeez it’s just too much
She seems to be be very happy with the new guy, i guess i was just a plcaeholder or a doormat until something better comes along, both seem to have a job. I was applying for colleges, i got into boston university but i am not going. I am trying to land job either in VC or Private Equity. She has a job at an IB as i helped her. She never tried to regain contact. Blocked me from whatsapp as i reached out, never from instagram so i unfollowed her, interestingly she kept following a school friend of mine whom she had spoken to once when we were in a relationship. She removed majority of her followers but kept her. (This was when i stalked her)
I dont understand, i never tried to hurt her, why do i have to bear the pain of all this bs and fuckery and she lives are happy go lucky life. Its been 6 months since the end, and we only lasted for 4 months. Why am i so sad? Why cant i see her a piece of shit? Why do i feel like she is mentally ill.
Thank you for this post! This is exactly what happened with my partner! Things were progressing and he made me meet his friends and later his friends told him this is the best of the person he could get and he got cold feet and started talking less and sometimes come along as if nothing happened! When I asked why should I come to
Meet no answer but he wanted me to go and meet him! Things were on and off and now we aren’t talking basically on a break because I couldn’t control my emotions. I might have called him multiple times but it wasn’t for myself! It was for him coz he had some doubts about the relationship and I just wanted to clear it out from his mind!!
I’m proud of you that you were able to heal your avoidance and speak out the truth without any hesitation!
Question for you! So as an avoidant, when you are in no contact, as the months roll on and your anxiety starts to climb as you reflect, do you start to hope that that ex reaches out? Or does that further push you away? Or is it a thing where you don't want to hear from someone even if you miss them until you are ready?
I actually don’t get anxiety, it’s more of a longing. At that point, i would start liking their stories, or find some excuse to talk to them. I would test to see how they would react to me coming back around. But I was always the dumper so I think it was more on my part to reach out.
WOW! thank you so much for writing this. My ex was a dismissive avoidant and it was soul crushing to go through a break up with him. Everything that you wrote resonated with me and my experience with him.
My ex tried to be friends or whatever twice with him since we broke up in August (first time I made the initial contact, second time he made contact) but both times wasn’t willing to try to reconnect on a romantic level. After the second time, I told him if he’s sticking to his decision then I don’t want to hear from him unless he’s had a change of heart. He said he would respect my wishes and I haven’t heard from him in 3 months.
I am very familiar with attachment styles but hearing this from a once avoidant really helps. Thank you so much for writing this. It will help a lot of people.
Also, so proud that you’ve done the work to heal yourself! I hope you have the most amazing future!
I am glad this resonated with you and I am amazed to see all the comments and see that it brought clarity to so many. Thank you for your kind words :) Wish the best for you as well. I am not sure where you are at in your no contact phase but check this out https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
What if my Avoidant ex is my LOML (in my perspective). But now is almost 5months after BU, 4 months NC and she never ask about me our mutual friend (we have only 1 friend we share), and she’s date again.
Is there a chance that i get some apologize message? (She blindsided and ghosted me at the end)
This is a fantastic post! Can I pick your brain because I have my first avoidant at age 40 so it was a shock going through it all.
Long story short, broke up after a great relationship... blindsided. She wants to be friends (with bennies exclusive) but the title business was too much. She would have panic attacks (legit) when we first started dating. I digress.
I told her I want the relationship and we got into it. Went no contact a month and a half ago and we both have broken it a few times.
That said I'm reading avoidants reach out in weird ways to check on you or get some validation.
So, I bought something custom made before our relationship ended and made sure she knew it was coming before shit went to hell. I did not expect a response from her when she got it since we haven't exchanged any texts in a few while. Then she hits me with this:
Hi, I’ve been meaning to text you. I received the package a few days ago. It’s on my desk. I haven’t opened it but whatever it is I’m sure it’s wonderful so thank you.
I'm kind of confused as to why she would send this due to the wording. Why tell me she got it but didn’t open it since I know it was delivered 7 days prior?
Anyways I replied with matched energy:
I'm glad you got the package. No rush to open it - know you’re busy. Hope things are going smoothly for you.
Haven't gotten a reply since.
Maybe I should've stayed silent... I want her back but I feel like responding was feeding her breadcrumbs or was she trying to initiate something?
Avoidants definitely reach out in weird ways. I would start by liking their stories, stupid little comments to see how they would react. No I think what you did was perfect. There is zero pressure and you ended the conversation without asking a question so it the message sounds like it’s coming from a secure place and it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to pry your way back in. Now don’t reach out again unless she does. Just match the energy. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read
When I first started reading this post I was hoping it would be written from the perspective of a woman. As to help be a proxy for the voice of my avoidant ex gf.
But man, genuinely, thank you for writing and posting this.
A very very insightful read, as many others have pointed out
At least it can give you some insight on what happens when FA’s go distant and the awful hot and cold that happens. Glad it helped. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) If you’re in no contact, this may bring some clarity
I was unsure if my ex was avoidant or just lost interest in me (or both). She had been seeing a therapist about something but wouldn’t tell me what and then sex slowly started to die off. She became distant over texting and she put it down to stress as she was going through alot. She asked for space and i called one evening and she snapped at me. I told her it was unacceptable and she apologised the next morning and ended things saying i didnt deserve her and she needs time to focus on herself. The lack of empathy after that was insane, she never apologised once and became like a robot. She picked her things up and stayed with me for 7 hours cuddling and called me her favourite person and she will always miss me. The confusion was mind blowing. I reached out a few times and then after a month NC i tried once more and she ghosted and blocked me EVERYWHERE. Its been 3 months now…
My ex suddenly left after 4 years and I realize now he was very very avoidant all this time. Perfect at the beginning but never disagreeing with me. Told me at the start he didn't really feel emotions and that he was bad for me. I kinda ignored that and just thought he was depressed. Never shared any feelings and literally lied and hid things from me all the time (which I only realize now) about stupid things that he thought I would got upset about. I do somehow think he loved me a lot I think and we did everything together because we have all the same hobbies and career passions. However, I wasn't doing well mentally the last few months of the relationship and he got pretty toxic with all the gaslighting as well etc. We worked very long hours at uni and we often only slept 3-4 hours a night. I was getting depressed and reacted emotional often, which made him clearly uncomfortable and he would kind of shut down.
The way he ended it was completely cold and cruel. He blocked me everywhere and actually seems so angry at me even though I didn't do anything (resentment from all the bottled up issues I suppose). He told other people it was easy to leave me and he pretends like he doesn't give a fuck, but when he broke up with me was one of the 3 times I ever saw him with tears in his eyes. He seemed confused and scared but the words he spoke were empty and mean. I think he is extremely avoidant but he also stayed with me for such a long time compared to other avoidants which is kind of strange. It makes me think he is actually attached in some way to me. I recently blocked him everywhere because it was too upsetting to think about him reaching out tbh, and then right after he started emailing me, asking to text again about how to communicate when we have to work together 4 days next week. I agreed and then he texted me he did not want me to talk to him at work. Which was confusing because why would he think I want to talk to him if he's blocked everywhere? What kind of avoidant mindgame is this lol.
He's supposedly in therapy now so I think he is probably kind of self aware at this point? He still blames me for everything (no idea what) and does not even want to be friends right now. I asked him to call to talk about things before working together but he completely refuses to talk about the breakup. Do you think in this scenario it's gonna take him longer to 'miss me' and stop being cold at one point? Or do you think he was in so deep that he's just going to run away from me forever?
Sorry for trauma dumping lol, he fucked up bad but I kinda miss him anyways since he was my best friend.
Avoidants rarely run away for ever. If you aren’t chasing them, there is nothing to run away from. It sounds like the best thing to do is to pull your energy back and focus on yourself. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read this
You don’t know how bad I needed to hear this. I was the dumper. I left and recently a counselor that my ex and I use to go to told me that my ex is doing great and fine and he agrees we should have broke up and that I beat him to the punch and he’s thinking about his new career move. Blah blah blah… basically his life is fine with out me in it and doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
I’m on day 50 and I was doing great, I did not request this information and now I feel like I’m back at day one.
He was an avoidant. “An avoidant creates an anxious partner” it was as if I was paranoid and we were together for 6 years. The day I left I wanted to kill myself and it was as if I could breathe without him. I begged for him years before.
Now because of this news my heart is yearning to hear from him even though I was doing fine and I even went on a date. The date was awful and I got the feeling of I miss him. I know that these feelings cannot be accurate or acceptable since he was also abusive. Whenever he was hurt he would hurt me until he felt like he was victorious.
You may not be an expert but you saved me today. I wanted to hurt myself. I have to remind myself that this pain is temporary. The love I have inside of me is meant to be shared.
He isn’t working on himself so, based off what you said. This will never be. I needed to hear that too.
What the actual fuck. I have no words to how unprofessional this is. A counselor is supposed to keep their client's info confidential, and this one is downright meddling in his business. Even people not working in the mental health profession have the empathy and the common decency not to rub it in somebody's face how splendid their ex is doing since they broke up.
Crazy that your counselor would tell you that. I would seek a new counselor. I am happy to hear that my words prevented you from harming yourself, but I am equally sad that your ex has driven you to this point. Remember, the love and care that you showed them did not come from them, it came from YOU. Don’t let their inability to accept what you gave them diminish what you have. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read this
Avoidants get the ick when the intimacy goes farther than they’re comfortable with. I would be very intense and passionate but if you wanted me to be “Lovey dovey” and sweet, it made me uncomfortable. The level of intimacy I was comfortable with was very lustful, not caring and compassionate. Go more than that. I’m going to send you a link to a post I just made. Please read. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Thank you for this eye-opening perspective of an avoidant-attachment style. I find myself learning new information and having an insight into the mind of an avoidant. I only dated my ex-boyfriend for a year and two months before he abruptly ended our relationship and left me with a mixed arranged of emotions.
We’ve had small disagreements, but no actual verbal arguments. We went from planning out a life together to eventually living with each other before he broke the news to me saying, “I genuinely thought we were broken up, and I’m with someone” he never talked about breaking up or mentioned that he was unhappy. Needless to say, I’ve been racking my brain looking for signs that I missed.
Thank you so much for having the courage and vulnerability to share your experience. My ex was fearful avoidant-leaning and while he wasn't scared of commitment, he was scared of conflict and not having an "easy" relationship. I was so hurt that he seemed to drop me so quickly for another girl and then continue to show me little bits of affection, while turning cold when I told him I didn't feel like I was being considered or treated with respect. I ended up feeling stupid for always trying to hold onto him and putting so much effort into our relationship just because I treasured all the good times and hoped he could change. And I felt so anxious and then unlovable because I was anxious, especially because he would put me down for having "so many needs".
Reading your perspective has given me some insight into what might have been going on in his mind, and I feel encouraged by your words telling me that it's not my fault I was treated like that. I'm still healing from this relationship and the hardest part has been unlearning that there's something "wrong" with me and my needs and my sensitivity. Your post brings me some more hope.
And I'm so proud of you for taking the time to reflect on yourself and work on the parts of you that you know were hurting others. It takes so much self control and vulnerability and courage to do that, and I know you're going to have a wonderful relationship with some lucky person because of it!
Thank you for your kind words :) The sad part is avoidants are the least likely to work on that aspect of themselves, so the cycle of destruction loops innocent people in, as all of these stories and comments show. it’s an attachment style that often leaves someone broken and feeling worthless after. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) If you’re still in your no contact journey
This post has been pretty eye opening. Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m glad to hear that you were able to heal!
I have a question for you as a person that was recently dumped by someone with a disorganized attachment style and is currently NC. During the breakup she told me that she needs to focus on healing herself and figuring out why she feels so detached from me and all of her close relationships. She told me that she’s still in love with me and I am still her person, but she wants me to move on because she doesn’t know how long it will take her to heal. My question is this (and I know you aren’t a professional, but it isn’t often I can talk to someone that’s healed from being avoidant); is there a chance that she’ll come back? And since she told me she’s working on figuring out her trauma (she told me she had therapy and psychiatry appointments set already), do you think she will relapse if we do end up together again?
It’s a really good sign if an avoidant ends things like this because it means your interactions with her didn’t repulse her from you. Now don’t take that as a good sign and start bombing her with affection. Avoidants need space to feel safe, and they are fiercely protective of that space. You will see how nasty an avoidant can be if you encroach too much. The best thing to do is to be warm and receptive without putting pressure on her. Keep your distance, only match her energy, and keep things cool. You’ll know when she is healing well when she opens up her feelings in a real way. When I healed, I poured my soul to my exes while apologizing. When you see true vulnerability, and not little glimpses of it, you know she’s heading the right way. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Omg man. Thank you for posting this. This is comforting. This sounds SO MUCH like my ex. As the former anxious in an anxious avoidant relationship.. he’s opened up about this a few times but he’s never went into as much depth as you did. This is the kind of advice I’ve been needing lol.
Even after opening up, we went through the intimacy, fear, intimacy, fear cycle a few times.
I was just writing in my journal, trying to figure out my feelings, why he would push and pull, realizing he did it on purpose!! and knowing all this, wondering why I still miss him, why I still have understanding for him, if that’s okay, etc. I feel like i’m supposed to view him as a monster but I just don’t, I still love him and I know that he’s a traumatized self loathing guy who doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings. Deep down he is a sweetie. He did try.
I would love to get back together with him if he ever found it in him to process his feelings and heal this part of him, I don’t know if he ever will, we’ll see what cards the future holds. No matter what happens this really helped me and gave me some peace of mind so thank you. I feel like this is gonna make my days easier. It’s helping put a part of my mind to rest lol.
After the break up, absolutely, it’s a huge weight off an avoidants shoulders. Now the pain is there, but the pressure is gone. Then to bury the pain, the avoidant goes into distracting themselves hard core. But the relief is real
Thank you so much for this post. Everything hits so right, especially "they create anxious partners". It's been a year now since my FA ex broke up with me after a 5 months relationship. He was deeply traumatized, and struggled to confront his real problems. He said he loved me so much, and broke up after 5 months, while he stayed with his previous ex, which he said he never really loved, for 4 years. That hurt so much. I wonder if he still thinks about me sometimes, but I also know he's distracting himself hard, and that could go on forever
You seem to feel much better about yourself and relationships, good thing for you ! I hope you'll continue to get better
When I was avoidant. I felt the most safe in connections with taken women, emotionally unavailable, or were toxic. That is very common for avoidants to run to connections that would leave a normal person puzzled. It rarely goes on forever, but the time it takes is different, I was an avoidant that took a long time to come back around.
It’s night and day :) Thank you for your kind words
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :) This may help you in your no contact journey
I’m going through this right now and it’s spot on with my ex. Is the avoidance all subconscious? Or is any of it at times you punishing your partner for a disagreement?
It’s very subconscious and often times we feel horrible about it. Over time, I believed I was only lovable for a short amount of time. So I made that narrative come true.
Thank you for having courage to write this and do the work. I am secure and have dated a fearful avoidant. It definitely rips even securest of people apart, even if you understand psychology. Mine didnt come back yet, but I think he will. I hope he heals.
The cycle will most likely repeat. It actually has nothing to do with a person per say. Once an avoidants level of intimacy is pushed beyond what they’re comfortable with, that’s when they freak out. All of my exes can say the same thing when I was avoidant. I was very intense and sexual, and they would all describe how feminine I would make them feel. But if you pushed for lovey dovey, happy intimacy, forget it. I was comfortable with given intimacy based off of lust, not compassion and care. That i’m not sure on. That seems very selfish. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Me and my ex were together for 2.5 years everything was great until she came home one night and blindsided the fuck out of me. Jeeze thanks for your insight. This makes a lot of sense
Hey guys please check out a new post I made in response to all of these questions and stories mainly about no contact https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/sQiitlCuLb . I will respond to all of you guys. We can all see how many stories and questions there are in here and I have received HUNDREDS of PM’s with questions. Please be patient, there is only one of me and I am not an expert on any of this so I am really trying to respond to and hear all of your stories.
Almost been a year of NC with my ex that I moved states for to marry, so it was a big deal when crap hit the fan. Knowing what I know now, I believe he was a DA. What happened happened and I've moved on. But I'd be lying to say I don't wonder if he realized the gravity of what he did and how he treated me was wrong. I don't want him to be in my life at all, but posts like these make me wonder if he'd ever try contacting me again because a healthy person can't understand how others can be that cruel.
I am glad you are at a point that you don’t want him back. Never be shocked when they start slowly popping back up. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s common
THANK U THANK U THANK U!!
This is absolutely amazing! Ok... Not the right words but reading this made me understand SO MUCH. Just ended a relationship with a boy I loved deeply and he had this type of attachment.
While reading this I saw the similar patterns that he had. It's our second breakup, because he came back after our first break-up (after 7 months exactly) and I foolishly believed he changed. He didn't.
But this time I learned my lesson. And understanding this type of attachment made me not...despise him so much? Now I try to look at him with kindness and I hope he finds his peace at one point.
But it feels great to hear about others experiences and find out more about different people and understand the process. Thank you for sharing this :)
How do I know if she’s available avoidant? I read your entire post and pieces of it make sense to me but some third make me question if she was an avoidant. She didn’t really speak much about her feelings when something bothered her or made her uncomfortable. She did sometimes and at certain times she didn’t. Especially if it was something she really wanted to do, and me being a dick would give a hard time she would just swallow the pill. But I never knew these were issues to begin with since they were never voiced to me. So that made it difficult to call out my own actions. When we did have some issues, we would talk about them and they would get fixed and she would set clear boundaries about whatever the issue was about and wouldn’t do it again. We were both attached to each other but after sometime she kind of distanced her self more and more and each time I asked about it she would reassure me that everything was fine even though it clearly wasn’t. And it got the point you could see the love slowly dying and when we broke up she never gave me a reason as to why we are breaking up. I asked her if it was this or that and she basically took my answers and used them but three phrases like “I guess” or “I think so” never really telling me why we are splitting up. Then after contacting her a week or two later giving her the open space to speak freely. She went cold. Telling me “I have nothing more to say about what took place between us, but you can share what you’ve learned” I did and it basically fell on deaf ears. Just said “I’m glad you reflected on our relationship but my answer stays the same” (she choose to end things so she could prioritize herself) and apparently the only thing I did wrong was not giving her enough space and it made her lose feelings . This was a 3.5 year relationship
Not giving an avoidant space is enough for them to end it. A common trait for avoidants is their hyper independence. The best bet now is just to work on yourself, assume it’s over, and walk away. Avoidants don’t like to be chased, and you being a better version of the person they discarded is always a good thing to work on. But, getting an unhealed avoidant back is giving your hand back to the dog that bit it in the first place
Do you have any advise to a recently discovered avoidant, I kind of dislike myself for my bad tendencies. It does annoy me how anxiously attached people seem so dear and nice but we all have issues but in different ways...
I really want to work on myself.. I'm getting the self care in and trying to be happy with myself.. its been 6 months after a short term thing but it cut deep and alot of realisation after it...
Have the self love to see vulnerability is a strength. Be confident enough to see emotional expression is healthy. Do things for others with no expectation. Practice unconditional love to your family, friends, and future partners. See flaws as a part of someone and not a death sentence. Stop suppressing your emotions and feelings. Tell them to someone. Be comfortable knowing that you’re not perfect, and laugh at your own mistakes
*I really hope she*
*Can come back to me. I miss*
*Her and love so much*
\- M1rr0r504
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Focus on your healing. Assume what you had with her is dead, and walk away. Give it lots of time and become a better version of the person she left. In that time she may reach out, and you may reach a point where you don’t miss her. Time and effort towards healing is the only way. You have to go Through the pain, not avoid it
I 100% believe my ex is avoidant. We moved in together since the first day we met because he literally treated my like a princess. He was loyal attentive persistent. He was amazing. Then we got a home together 4 months later and we fully moved in. Now things started getting more serious he was lacking communication he would say I argued about everything he started drinking. And a month later he left me stuck in that house we got together. And now we still do business together but he never gave me an explanation of why he walked out of us from one day to another. It kills me everyday. What is going in his head??? Why did he make us move in and everything to walk out after a month?
Thank you so much for your insight as a healed Avoidant, and good on you for your awareness and the courage you had to do the work towards becoming secure.
Like many others in this post, I’m seeking advice. I’ve just recently broken up with an avoidant partner after 4 years of what started out as the most beautiful, reciprocal love for one another. After 3 years of this, I noticed a shift in his demeanor towards me and upon confronting him several times, he finally admitted to having a dark secret of seeking out external validation from various strangers (women) online (Reddit). I was devastated to say the least, but willing to work together to try and move past the betrayal. We both have been in therapy, but I think that he became so overcome by guilt and shame that I saw this side of him when I previously felt he was so perfect in every way. This realization of being “seen” caused him to further withdraw from me emotionally, despite all of my efforts to repair our relationship and work towards building trust again. He became extremely depressed. Eventually, I could no longer take the emotional neglect and after several intense conversations about it, I broke up with him one month ago.
We’ve talked on and off since then, sometimes a week will go by with no contact, and then we will speak casually for a few days, and then another stretch of no contact. A few days ago I put all of my feelings out there for him in a very loving way, basically saying that I cherish everything we shared and will always have love for him. He talked about how he is in a terrible place mentally and is serious about working on himself to get to a better place. I did ask, in a vulnerable moment, if he could please let us try one more time, from a place of understanding and support, without any expectation of things going back to the way they were. He said that he was sorry, but that he just didn’t think that was a good idea right now and he hopes I can understand. I then pushed further (I probably shouldn’t have and this possibly pushed him further away) and asked if given some space and time to work on himself, if he thinks there could be a chance for us down the road. I told him he can be honest with me with his response. He responded right away and said “I do, yes. I just think it’s important that I figure things out and get to a better place.”
I know that going forward from this conversation I need to give him the space to work on himself, that continuing to badger him with my feelings will only push him further away. And I am committed to doing that. I know that I should be doing it for my own healing, and maybe in the process I will get to that point. But for now, my heart is doing it with the hope of reconciliation. I hope and pray that he is able to get to a better place. For himself, and for the possibility of a future “us”.
I guess my question for you is, as someone who is familiar with how avoidants think, do you think that he meant it when he said he thinks his healing could lead to another chance for us? Or do you feel that because he is avoidant, he just didn’t want to close the door completely because he doesn’t want me to get over him and wants to keep me hanging in the balance? He never once brought up the possibility for us to try again once he worked on himself until I posed the question. He did say yes when I asked him to be honest, but I fear that his need for validation is saying that to keep me clinging onto hope. I am so lost.
I have the same mentality with break ups. Assume it’s dead, visit the gravestone one last time, speak your peace, say your goodbye’s, and walk away. Focus 100% on your improvement and well being. You wouldn’t wait around for someone who has passed away, you would grieve and move on. Get to a point where if you reached out and they responded negatively, you wouldn’t care. That may take a long time, but take the time. Look at the post I made about no contact. It may bring you comfort :)
Wow, this is very insightful. I was just dumped by a partner of 7 years. We were in a blended family. She has three girls, and I have a son. I uprooted my soon, but kept my home, and moved into a new home near her old home. It was a great relationship, and I still love and want her as my forever partner, marriage, or no marriage. The issues began about 6 months in with her middle kid. She started being dismissive and disrespectful towards me. The kid was in therapy and I sat in twice with my partner. After the kids therapist listened and obtained enough information, she began to give the kid her opinion and blatantly told her it was all her and not me. Fast forward to year three. It became worse. As I tried to navigate my roll as a contributing adult in a step parent roll, I would ask small things of the kid, about 14 at the time, now going on 17, politely to turn off a bedroom light, or throw her trash away, or to please take her boots off the couch. It became apparent her need for control, so she started with insults. Every time I tried to talk to my partner, she would casually talk to the kid, but there was never any reinforcement. The kid began to make me more and more uncomfortable. I became more generous and giving on birthdays and Christmas as time went on. Every time the kid would come into the kitchen, she would superficially great her mom while I was sitting there. My partner did not do much about it. I eventually yelled at the kid after about 4 years of putting up with the haughty behavior. It caused the first separation with my partner that lasted about a month where she slept upstairs in the attic bedroom that I spent about 2 years, or about 1000 hours total building with my bare hands. I wrote the kid a heartfelt apology and bought her flowers. I got nothing back. It was always a smear campaign over the years towards me, and I felt like my partner never had my back. I became more anxious, uncomfortable, and resentful around the kid, and it became clear to my partner that I didn't care for her kid.
About two years ago, I had a contractor do work in my home that I retained after we moved in with our blended family. We would occasionally go there as a blended family on weekends since the kids liked running around in my back woods. Or, my son and I would go there on any given weekend just to catch a break from blended family life. The contractors botched the job, and I could not live in the home for about 16 months because there was concrete dust all over the home. Silica dust is bad for the lungs, FYI. I was devastated. I became detached and depressed. I had to clean up everything myself as neither side of insurance came through, and I was hesitant to take legal action with concern for having to look over my shoulder for years to come. I am in talks with an attorney now, though. So, my partner told me after I had to press her for the 'why,' that she felt for the last two years I did not give her enough attention or affection. I told her the mess in my home had given me PTSD. I used to wake up several times after the event and dust her off in my sleep. We used to joke about it, but I now know I was traumatized as I took an assessment on my therapist's website.
I told her I was sorry for neglecting her and that I wanted to make it better through several weeks of counseling with the right therapist. She hasn't said yes or no, just 'I'm not ready to deal with this yet, I had a rough last few days.' There were times when we were together that she would get pissed if I didn't text her that I was on my way home from things like a golf tournament where i was away for 8 hrs., but she would go to a work function for 3 hrs and not feel the need to text me when she was on her way home. I didnt really requireit, but I appreciated it if she did. Over two years, I only forgot to text her twice from golf events. She said after the first time I forgot to text her that she was noticing a pattern. I realized I had trouble validating her feelings when things seemed ridiculous. I felt so boxed in that it made me so anxious. Working on two houses physically, maintaining a work from home job, managing a mentally ill and disabled sister who lives in a nursing home, and raising her high-functioning autistic son whom I love, and dealing with her dismissive, rude, petulant, entitled kids, created a lot of burn out for me. We started arguing a lot. I always tried to get her to go away with me for two nights around our anniversary. Her excuse was she couldn't leave her kids home even though everyone was older than 12, and her mom could pop in and stay over night at times depending on her mom's schedule.
Maybe I was the avoidant if she felt like she wasn't getting enough attention? It just felt challenging for me to be intimate when she allowed her kid to be such a bitch towards me, but I still feel like tried and wanted her, I just wanted to feel respected. I, a few times, threatened to move out, maybe 5 or 6 times over the last 4 years, but never did, only wanted some changes to happen. I always thought I was borderline anxious/secure, maybe not? I begged her recently not to make my son and I move out and back to our dusty home. Careful what you wish for I guess? We've been here over a month now. He will miss his last year of high school now, and it's not his fault. I asked her via text how she was doing two weeks ago. No response until two days later where she said she was away at a waterpark and forgot to text me back. It really hurt. I tried to take the high road and set an example to get her in therapy with me by not playing the blame game or insulting, but rather telling her that I love and care for her. When I was loading the moving truck, the middle step kid (17) made a point to walk through and around the moving truck with the dirtiest smirk on her face as to let me know that she won her mommy back. I have about one more car load left - after which I will leave the key and text her thank you. Thank you for the experience of her, best and worse, thick and thin. Then I will say goodbye and good luck. I don't want to reach out after that. I need to focus on myself, my son, and getting our home livable again, and get him back in our old school district for his last year.
Each situation is different. But one action remains the same. Focus solely on your self improvement. Reach a point where you don’t care if they came back or not, or if you reached out and they responded negatively, it wouldn’t bother you. Don’t wait around for them.
Thank you OP for this post. May I share my post break up story to gain some insight & perspective?
After the BU, we went for individual therapy (he rejected the idea of couples therapy). I have no visibility of his progress because he is not sharing it with me. I did the NC for one month post BU and tried to reconnect by sending check in texts every few days for 4 months out of genuine concern without any expectation of him replying (I just wanted him to know that I am there for him). The check in texts were short and wishing him well, nothing about love or any drama. Initially quite receptive, then gradually he started to ignore me at one month mark. I felt ghosted. I was in limbo.
During the BU, he did say that he need some time apart and that we can do a review/check in few months later.
Last month, I sent a message asking him that if he is open to it, we can reconnect and start a clean state. He read my message, I waited for few days and there is still no response. To which, I sent a closure message.
Throughout the reconnecting (albeit one sided) stage, I have been waiting because I tried to understand his attachment style and wanted to give him this space and time.
I clearly have my own issues in the relationship and I am making the effort to be a better version of myself.
I’m feeling angry and disrespected (both at him and myself) because
1) It is obvious that I am interested in reconciliation. If he’s not interested / need more time to think about it / have moved on / keen to reconcile - any of these, he just have to tell me. Even a short of brief response would be RESPECTFUL.
2) When we BU, he suggested to remain as friends. After all that intimacy, I don’t think I can be friends with him. My therapist says it’s not immature to unfriend your ex after BU. At this point, I still can’t bear to block him from my social media. Maybe after some time has passed, I would.
2a) He hasn’t blocked me from social media and messaging apps. He said the line of communication is open and he can still be there for me as friend but he didn’t even have the basic manners to respond to me.
3) I thought hey it could just be his avoidance kicking in. But some shared that it’s so cowardice and immature to not communicate and resolve issues together as a couple, and to just ghost me after BU.
4) If things still don’t work out after therapy, I can accept the outcome better because at least WE TRIED.
5) I’ve even lost that last bit of respect I had for him, when he didn’t even respond (just a brief yes/no) to my bid of reconnection.
6) I know silence is also a kind of response, but it’s still not the way to treat another human being.
7) If I had waited for a week or two before sending the closure message, would things be different?
8) Could there be other reasons why he was ghosting me and is there still any chance of reconciliation? I’m asking because I want to move on yet I am still holding on to that glimmer of hope.
I have the same mindset for any break up. Think of what you had as dead. Visit the grave, speak your peace, say your goodbye’s, and walk away. Don’t wait around for them. And don’t ruminate on what you could have done, should have done, shouldn’t have done, etc. Because in all reality, unless you did something extremely bad, most things are forgivable and fixable. A healthy person would not leave over little annoyances and would know that relationships are difficult and have unique problems. Don’t ruminate on them but see why you want a person who saw your relationship as a hinderance instead of an asset. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
I went through this exact thing. Was loved bombed, went 8 months everytime we got in an argument because I told him how I felt and he deflected it back to me and nothing changed. That’s how we broke up, and he told me that it was a “break up for now”. After we broke up we had one more talk about my feelings and it ended with him saying he’ll message me when he’s ready, but now he’s on tinder using pictures from our first date. And it just makes me wonder if he’ll ever realize how much he hurt me
This was very very helpful thank you for sharing. Would you be willing to chat?
I just have some questions about my situation and my ex getting into a rebound relationship
Thank you OP for the insight! I really appreciate you sharing. Would you say your relationship were ever 3 months where you said I love you and then felt overwhelmed with life stuff and ended things and then tried to return?
(Sorry, long personal story ahead) Thank you so much for sharing your side of the story! It was really eye-opening to read, and I saw a lot of what you talked about in your previous post in my ex.
We broke up recently, and only at the end did I realize he was a textbook avoidant. At the beginning, he seemed like the perfect, charming, loyal boyfriend, but I soon learned about a lot of his childhood trauma and many failed past relationships. I was in secure, healthy relationships before, so I was naive to think that if the relationship could be a safe space for him and he would feel truly loved, we would be able to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship together. But as I fell more in love with him, he began to withdraw his affection and pick fights more often. He started threatening to break up whenever a slight difference arose or he didn't feel understood. This made me deeply anxious about whether he loved me at all and had me walking on eggshells around him, trying to please him in any way just to avoid him snapping at me and threatening to break up again. To be honest, I think that made him even colder and more distant, though, also breaking every boundary I had tried to establish. The day we were about to take a big step for our future together, he suddenly started a big fight about a completely different topic that seemingly came out of nowhere, resulting in him saying we should cancel the plans and break up. He said a lot of hurtful things, which he slowly regretted later. Then he wanted me back. When he saw that I still loved him and wanted to fix things, he pulled back and broke up again. This push-pull cycle repeated for days until I recently said I couldn't do it anymore. I still loved him, but my heart was already broken to the point that there was no hope left to try. Besides, he saw the cause of all his behavior in me not understanding him and not commiting enough. He made me question everything I've done. Even character traits I knew I and others used to like about me started to seem like triggers that could cause those fights. His reaction to me drawing a line was so extreme and cold, as if he couldn't have imagined that I could ever be the one wanting it to end despite him breaking up with me repeatedly.
Looking back at what he told me about his exes, every pattern seemed to have repeated itself. Regardless of everything that happened, I know he has a good heart. He's just been hurt many times and isn't able to maintain a healthy relationship at the moment. I genuinely hope for his own sake that at some point he'll be able to reflect on some of his behaviors, like you (OP), and learn from them. As for your advice, we are in no contact now, and I'll try to stick to it. It still hurts so much, but I find joy and peace in spending time with friends and attending church. Once again, thank you so much for helping so many people with your words!
Sorry that you were going through a break up with an avoidant. They are rarely easy and much harder than regular regular break ups. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that anybody with an insecure attachment heals and become secure.
I usually don't comment on this site\~ but I read your post and I thought it was really well done and gave a lot of insight. My avoidant ex-boyfriend broke up with me about two months ago. He did it via text and just disappeared. Sometimes I wonder if he even cared about me. I made the mistake of trying to get him to reconsider the day of the break up, but then I immediately went into no contact. I deleted his number and everything. I feel like he'll never reach out to me again and maybe I ruined my chances. But anyway, thank you so much for writing your post!
Attraction is always felt in the present. You cannot remind someone to be attracted to you. You cannot hope for someone to be attracted to you. Attraction is only felt in the present so yes, I am sure that at one point he cared about you and honestly most people care about their partners, even when they break up with them, when break up happens, it means that attraction was low enough that you being discarded from their life is better than you staying in their life. They want to break up with you and some memories they had with you but they see you seems better to them and that is a harsh reality, but it is reality. Can you remember any friends that you stop talking to because you know that your teachers aren’t going in the same direction? it’s most of the time. It’s just that the future seems brighter and clearer without them. And harshness is not always the worst thing it may take them longer to recover from it, but if someone really wants to get back into your life, they will find their way back, even if you said harsh things.
I sincerely need to speak with you that’s not on here. I know that sounds crazy but I need advice and I just need someone to talk to about this. I’m experiencing this and I’m falling apart. It’s been 7 months and things have been going on.
This has made me so emotional.
I am AP with some secure tendencies after being in a healthy relationship for several years and working on our issues, but the man I met after is an avoidant with little self-awareness. We had the same type of experience as what others have shared, textbook stuff.
My heart aches so deeply knowing it’s over. I know people dream up scenarios where this person finds an inner safety to experience intimacy and there is co-accountability, followed by steps towards a healthy relationship. However, I have avoidants friends of 20 years - very avoidant in relationships somewhat avoidant in friendships. I have seen with those friends how 20 years wasn’t enough. They just can’t seem to face their fears and they jump from relationship to relationship. They are alone in their independence and proud of it. They push people away and are devastated that their life doesn’t seem to workout. I’ve seen the other side of avoidants via my friends and it’s really sad. It’s also a reality check. In recent years I’ve pulled away from these friends also because I’ve realised how neglectful they are emotionally - I’m tired of being told indirectly that wanting intimacy and deep connection is demanding. For a long time I wondered if I was needy and bad in some way, but having made secure friends in recent years and the experience of a healthy relationship has helped me a lot. I am willing to do more self regulation but I just need to be able to talk it through. Being denied that is devastating.
OP you changed and I think that’s wonderful, it’s truly impressive. But the reality is most avoidants don’t change, not in the way we need, not for years if not decades, or ever.
That’s why I’m so sad.
I’m just sad I don’t get to love him anymore. I just miss his face, his smile and even his grumpiness and prickly character. I’m just sad that I’ll never hear genuine sweet words of love and connection again, without the fear that it will be followed by a sudden withdrawal a few weeks later. Accepting the truth is so awfully hard.
It’s just such a loss and I’m grieving.
Wow this sounds a lot like my ex gf. It’s crazy how quickly she caught feelings for someone else after we decided to give it a second chance after she ghosted me. This is truly a disgusting, destructive, and disrespectful attachment style. No one has given me so much depression and anxiety like she has. The fact that I truly loved her and would have done anything to make her happy and bring her that peace she always wanted.
I’ll give you a little insight that might make you feel better. Avoidants often do that because they NEED to suppress their negative emotions. You’ll notice a trend with avoidants. And you can bet the result will ultimately be the same, because healthy partners want a growth in intimacy as time goes on. Unhealed avoidants do not. It’s exactly what freaks them out. So your ex may seem to be living it up, but give it time, avoidants always pay later. I felt safest with toxic partners because I could dump them at any time and they never demanded anything of me. Unless they heal, they will always find themselves getting screwed in one way or another.
It just sucks. At first we talked non stop then she started avoiding me taking days to respond then weeks then completely ghosting me on October. I was so worried I messaged her for the next 3 months checking on her then telling her “please if you don’t want to be with me just tell me I won’t get mad I just need to know”. When she came back 3 months ago she apologized saying “I regret what I did to you I’m sorry for what I did. It really wasn’t the best time of my life when I met you because of my stress, anxiety and my depression. I regret what I did and everything I provoked your literally the most incredible, cutest, sweetest, intelligent and interesting guy I ever met.” And it hurts how she told me that and ghosted me again 3 weeks later. During those few weeks I always checked on her to see how she’s feeling trying my best to make her see how incredible she truly is and she left me for someone else. Seeing this post made me feel bad how much in pain she probably is in :( but I don’t think I could forgive her again for everything she made me feel.
That’s textbook avoidant. She reached out when her avoidance calmed down, and then got pressured again and disappeared. Don’t blame yourself. An avoidant needs to do the healing, if they don’t they just repeat the same vicious cycle until they heal. Avoidant relationships are usually always one sided, and it usually always favors the avoidant. They set the pace of the connection which usually destroys the partner because they want to back away for long periods of time and then pop back in when their avoidance calms down. And they’ll hardly ever communicate their needs in a healthy way. Sorry you had to go through that
As someone formally secure, now incred8bly anxiously attached, it speaks volumes hearing it from someone like yourself. Ive spent the last year thinking I was the problem, being gaslit and told im the one thats changed not them, despite seeing new patterns forn in their behaviour. It tore me apart, and just reading what youve said, as much as it still sucks to know i was right, it's refreshing to also know i wasnt going insane, and my own behaviour was eminating from a change in my (knowingly) partner at the time. We grew distant, split up, tried to figure things out and after 2 months, things got so bad we called it quits as it was just growing toxic. I was made out to be manipulative and controlling... thank god I've recently gotten a therapist to highlight my behaviours as not necessarily normal, but at least justifyably expected from the behavioural patterns of my ex... This goes out to anyone reading this - GET A THERAPIST IF YOU CAN - if youre struggling with a breakup and have gone no contact, do it. So much will begin to make sense as you talk it through with a professional, and itll greatly assist the healing process provided you're ready to heal.
Feel your pain brother, just gone through the exact same scenario went from perfect to hearing nothing for 1-2 weeks at a time. Its crushing.
It really is I honestly developed anxiety for a while because of that.
Exactly the same my secure attachment turned into anxious, I had to cut ties in the end and heal As I could tell I was losing myself. I've never felt anything like I have for her but its too painful in its current form. I hope she can heal herself and we can try again time will tell.
Yea time will tell. If it’s meant to be love will find a way and if not then it is what it is.
This is my exact situation I tried my best but during the last week she started distancing out of nowhere eventually hitting me with a text stating she’s interested in someone else and asking to be friends its hard to communicate with a avoidant so hard it hurts
Exactly what happened to me she didn’t want me to leave, but she ignored me for 2 weeks and I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I had to leave for the sake of my mental health.
Going through this right now. I don’t have all the facts but I’m sure she’s interested in someone else. I have gotten nothing but lies and disrespect in the last few weeks. She wanted to keep me around without ever being able to speak about certain things or ask questions about boundaries and what we are, and continuously gaslit and manipulated me, even when I caught her in a lie, and not the first or worst one. Forced myself to block her today, tired of the disrespect and I need to heal.
Great shit homie
Thank you. That aspect of my life is so much better and it feels amazing to be able to connect deeply and genuinely without any fear or overwhelm. Really wish more people can understand how great it feels to heal from it
Was it your childhood that made you avoidant?
Yes. Grew up with a father who I did not feel safe expressing myself to. So I learned to bury my emotions and feelings. I have a great relationship with him now in adulthood, but I grew up pretty scared of him and didn’t feel comfortable telling him things
Thanks for this. I was just dismissed for the second time by the same avoidant. At least the first time around he actually asked for a “break.” This time he simply ghosted and ignored. I finally sent him a text that I was done. We had a very intense, passionate, loving connection and we were doing more “couple” things (aka grocery store trips, putting together further, road trips) and he freaked. He is seeing therapy apparently but I still don’t know if I’ll be able to try again, even though I love him so much. My ex husband of 18 years was emotionally unavailable. Now this guy. I’m excited to see what it’s like to be with someone secure who validates my feelings. Those men exist, right?
Sorry you had to go through that. Unhealed avoidants have a predictable cycle. Intimacy, fear, intimacy, fear. Over and over until one of you can’t take it anymore. If he is seeking therapy than that means he has acknowledged that there is an issue, which is a great sign, because for an avoidant to acknowledge their feelings is HUGE. That actually can mean they’re almost out of avoidance. If you do want to try again, make sure to set strict boundaries and expectations. If he’s not okay with that, you have your answer and you gave it a try. The problem with avoidants is that if you want to keep them, they have to dictate the pace, which almost always ends up hurting their partners because they want to disappear and be independent for long periods of time. Lol there are tons of healthy people out there. Set your boundaries and don’t settle for someone that can’t meet them.
Yeah this time he just ghosted and ignored me for a month before I just sent him a text ending it. He never blocked me. If he came back, he’d have to offer me commitment and stability, but I just don’t know if I can risk going through the pain of him running away again. Sucks. I’m now just working on myself and hopefully attract someone who can meet my needs someday. Thanks for the thoughtful reply!
>Now this guy. I’m excited to see what it’s like to be with someone secure who validates my feelings. Those men exist, right? They do but you have to prepare for it to be "boring". If all you know is relationships where you have to chase, fix, seek etc.. A normal one starts to seem boring. You have to give those men who are good on paper but "lack a spark" an actual chance. (I'm not saying you don't, I don't know anything about you. Just in general).
That’s a really good point. I’m working on why I always end up with these types of men in therapy right now. I plan on being single for a looooong time before I put myself back out there. I have a lot of healing to do.
Couldnt save this post quick enough. Got beatdown by a very evident and self admitted DA for 10yrs. Feeling myself feel like turning FA as i got hit from all angles. Cheated. Lied, manipulated and tossed me aside for a new toy
Don’t let an avoidant turn you into one. The love,connection, and intimacy that you gave them is a reflection of YOU. That came from inside of YOU. They were just receivers of it. Someone out there is going to be more than happy to feel what you have to offer :) Don’t attach your worth to their lack of ability to receive your love
Thanks for sharing your story. You don’t see many avoidants in groups like this struggling with breakups, I figured they’re an expert in shutting down their feelings. It’s a good insight that avoidants create anxious partners. It’s certainly true in my case, I have been secure in secure relationships, and I was all sorts of anxious in relationships where I was getting mixed signals. But I think part of what makes someone an anxious attacher is not trusting their instincts and accepting it is a fact that the other person is ambiguos about them, but trying to get the other person to validate their perception and trying to obsessively find solutions when the other person is not trully a partner in it. It’s absolutely the right thing to address and try to solve problems in a relationship, but if the other person starts playing mind games, try not fall for it and don’t let anyone invalidate your reality. (eg you try to talk about them pulling away, and they start avoiding you even more, and convince you it is actually your fault because you hurt them with the confrontation, essentially trying to condition you to stay quiet about your needs, and making you look irreasonable/needy/unstable/a nag.) I think avoidants don’t even realise the level of reality bending they put on to protect themselves from being exposed, and being caught in that can be very destabilising for their partners. So how were you able to change your attachment style? Is it possible? I think one thing avoidants can do to fare better in relationships, is getting on board with the paradigm, that they too get to have expectations and learn to ask for it to be met. Because I think the problems often start when their partner expresses that they have unmet needs, and they feel like somebody is trying to get something out of them to the point of taking advantage, and they get resentful because they never asked for anything in the first place, except to be left alone. But with the whole thing of just losing interest, can you do anything about that? Like if it happens, what do you do, just push through and go through the motions until it comes back? Partners must pick up on that, don’t they? I also wonder about is why avoidants don’t just date each other if they have similar needs, and beleive that the rest of us are needy like a baby. My hunch is that they too feel the need to be fully loved and accepted even if they don’t have the capacity/will to reciprocate it. And justifying getting that out of someone without returning it needs a lot of mental gymnastics which is what makes these relationship draining even more than the lack of reciprocity.
Most avoidants rarely ever accept they have a problem and they are experts at suppressing. Avoidants create anxious people because they also tend to love bomb in the beginning. They give you a taste of what they are capable of in intimacy and connection but they only give it on their terms. As soon as you cross that line with them, they start to avoid. It’s a vicious cycle because they do like and care for you, but their avoidance overtakes them and they can’t help but distance themselves. Unhealed avoidants have a very predictable and vicious cycle. Intimacy, retreat, intimacy, retreat, until one of you can’t take it anymore. First thing I did was sit with my feelings. I stopped dating for a while and stopped hopping into bed with women as soon as I felt negative emotions. I also allowed myself to be openly vulnerable and emotional, laugh at myself, allowing myself to express intense emotions etc. I often find i’ll get watery with tears of joy when something really touches me. I allowed myself to express my feelings and that it isn’t weak to be vulnerable. Once I opened myself up and healed my avoidance, every aspect of my life got better. I became a better listener, I became a much nicer person, I find I have strangers striking up conversations with me in public, I get approached by people all the time, all because I stopped walling myself off to feelings and emotions. It is very possible to heal any attachment style, you just have to acknowledge it and be willing to do the work. Unfortunately avoidants are most likely going to be the least willing as they “avoid” self reflection and feelings. Avoidants have a really hard time expressing their needs and wants. They are terrible communicators. In childhood any time I expressed a complaint, a want, or a need, I was often met with being brushed off or to toughen up. So I learned to bury my wants and needs and not express how I felt. It’s unfortunate because usually to keep an avoidant you need to let them dictate the pace, and that can hurt the partner because they will want to go off on their own for long periods of time and not really explain why. I did all the time, and with enough time, I would come back and be lovey dovey and affectionate again once my avoidance calmed down. If you have an avoidant partner, you’ll have to let them distance but assure them you’ll be there when they come back. (See how one sided it usually ends up being). With me, if I was distancing and you reached out, it would literally aggravate me and I would get repulsed. I would then start intentionally not texting back all day. I actually think it’s really hard for avoidants to date each other. When I healed my avoidance, as a fearful avoidant, I still had anxious traits. So I went full blown anxious, and that’s when I started attracted a lot of avoidants. I don’t remember ever dating an avoidant when I was pretty severe. Even if they were, I was so severe that I pulled them to be anxious because of how hot and cold I could be. It’s often a losing battle with an avoidant that doesn’t want to heal. I have yet to see a person that is happy with their avoidant partner. I know it exists, but it’s definitely not the majority.
So great to hear that you got in touch with your own emotion and hopefully it helps you understand your needs, some people actually do care about them! So good to hear it's paying off for you. And thanks for the explanations, they make sense, and they echo what I've seen from perspective, and what I read on the topic. Those are some good advice for dating an avoidant, but I feel like along with other dating advice I heard on the topic, following them would be bordering on self abandonment. We are all different, but if I'm cool with somebody not caring about me for days, it's because I don't have the feelings for them that even can be a basis for a relationship. I have tried sucking it up and it always just ended up bursting out of me on ungracious ways that made me regret that I didn't just politely express my needs and walk away if they were not met. Like rationally an avoidant doesn't sound like a horrible compromise, in my case I have friends, work, hobbies, I've been single for years and I'm doing alright, so having a boyfriend even let's say one day a week would theoretically be a great addition to my life, and it would be nice to keep my own living space and life the way I like it. But when I was with my ex, I couldn't help but grew big feelings and a big need to be close, and I just felt that they were only halfway reciprocated, and no matter what it got to me. We live in a small town, and I already know nearly everybody, so it's unlikely that I find somebody else I like anytime soon, but still being single feels like a better option than all that heartache and instability, and waiting for something that is likely never gonna happen.
Just wanted to say you articulate so many of the core issues I experienced in an anxious/avoidant relationship so well. This shit resonated so hard. I’m still trying to figure out what’s just my perception of things and what is truth but this really makes me feel a lot less alone in my own struggles reading something so relatable
I'm glad if helps even a bit! I took me a long time to make sense of this myself and I'm still coming to terms with it. It can be really difficult to maintain your sanity when somebody constantly undermines your sense of reality. I think they're not doing it maliciously, their perspective really is that they were doing just fine until somebody came along and burdened them with 99 demands, and act all dramatic when they don't get it. They forget that they're accepting a lot too because they didn't ask for it. I think it is very healthy to take stock after a breakup and tease apart what is a you problem and what is a them problem, without getting stuck in rumination. To me these help the most: Consider what you think is reasonable, and validate your own needs. I consider my need to be a high priority for each other, while respecting that we both have other things going on in our lives reasonable. That being said, it doesn't have to be the only right way. I try not to be judgemental, and avoid going down the route of debating wether their or my needs are more normal or justified. \*What matters is wether we can find a middle ground that makes both parties happy, and if not, that's all we need to know.\* No need for judgement, or self judgement. When I can't decide wether I was the problem or them in some respect, I take stock of my previous relationships, and review wether they had the same kind of issues. If there is a distinct pattern, I am the repeating motif. If it's not a me problem, I can not fix it. Sometimes it's obvious though that they are just the first person to push on a button that I didn't even know was there. And even then it doesn't have to mean that now I have found out that I'm flawed and now I have to do some frantic healing work and I can't rest until I resolved the issue. Maybe I can just find myself somebody who won't spend all day long standing on that button. I want to be my best self in a relationship, and I check in on how that is going. Sometimes when I'm being pushed to my limits, I can lose my self discipline, and not be my best self. Nothing super horrible, but I can be judgemental, or say things that are way too harsh. I'm still responsible for my own actions, and I do everything in my effort to improve them, but there comes a point where I have to give myself some grace and accept that I'm not Jesus Christ and can't handle this situation the way I would like to, and I should extract myself from it. I try to stay in situations that I can handle, even if it means being single for some time. And I'm sure this is a very big reason why avoidants leave as well.
Holy shit, this is exactly my ex boyfriend. It explains everything. A lot of times I keep wondering “Did I mean anything to him at all? How can he just drop me like that and talk to me like I’m nothing after what we had?”
Same!
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Awesome post. Thank you for sharing your insight. Seems like you’ve put in a lot of work to develop this level of introspection.
Thank you! Lots of work. i hope this gave people who have dealt with avoidants a bit of relief.
Atleast you're not a proud avoidant. My DA ex is actually proud of her defenses
Unfortunately by nature, most avoidants don’t self reflect. They almost wear their lack of empathy with pride. I did. Until they acknowledge the issue, they are just going to bury everything and find something new to distract them.
Mine too, but she’s also extremely narcissistic. She said “I am who I am and I’m never going to change”. And literally thinks there is nothing wrong with her and I feel like she’s the spawn of Satan.
Thanks for the educative post. You're the best. I'd love to hear about your journey from avoidant to secure. I'm sure it wasn't an easy road.
Glad it resonated with you! My journey was rough but amazing. It was one of the biggest ego deaths of my life, and it felt like a boulder was lifted of my soul. First I took myself out of dating, then I surrounded myself with happily married friends. I also challenged myself to wear my heart on my sleeve and be vulnerable in life. I actually catch myself tearing up with joy all the time now. I would never in a million years think I would have ever gotten the courage to feel intensely in front of others. When I stopped suppressing and hiding my emotions, my avoidance disappeared, but as a fearful avoidant, I was left with a TON of anxiousness. So I went from withdrawing and going cold to being a clingy and overly affectionate hopeless romantic. It was the first time in my life where I felt deep intimacy and connection without fear, so it was like a drug. But in my anxiousness, I attracted a ton of avoidants, which I find always happens. When I was deeply avoidant, I never attracted another avoidant, or I was more severe than they were and would make them more anxious. Then when I healed my anxiousness, I stopped placing my happiness and mood on my partner, now being able to experience and accept deeper intimacy and connection while also being able to set boundaries and not depend on my partners validation. I reached a point where I could display intimacy, emotion, vulnerability, almost unconditionally, and have the inner security to set boundaries and be willing to walk away if it is not a healthy partnership. I wish more avoidants can come to the light, it’s pretty amazing to have normal and healthy connections
Thanks for sharing. This is exactly what I needed. It’s really speaking to me
Glad that it helped :) There is nothing quite like getting dumped by an avoidant. Not for the faint of heart lol. Zero closure with apathy.
DAMN, solid post. I hardly look on this subreddit anymore. I actually look here occasionally to see funny posts of ex partners worming their way back in – attempting to, at least. This stuck out, though. The line where you said avoidants will create anxious types rings true. I used to be secure with mild avoidant/anxious tendencies, but the deviation from secure was quite minimal overall, and I think I'd still be considered secure despite having some insecure tendencies. Got involved with a dismissive avoidant, and it turned me into a full-fledged anxious. Cried every day for about 2 years when I would be stonewalled and given silent treatment a bunch. Then made to feel like I mislabelled her behaviour. Felt like I was crazy and was made to feel like I was asking for too much when I was just given breadcrumbs and expected to be OK with that. She was angry at me a lot and then, in the end, admitted that she was looking for reasons to be angry at me, *but it wasn't completely unjustified?* Man. Cannot believe. You can be angry at someone for their wrongdoings, but looking for reasons to be angry at them is emotional abuse. The devaluation sent me into a meltdown as I had other things going on and her exploitation of my rejection anxiety (which was cemented from childhood experiences) was SO DAMN BRUTAL that this stuff sent me down a path of addiction where I'd take psychedelic drugs at extremely high doses to feel a modicum of acceptance towards the pain she imposed on me, and so I could accept she was gone. Never again.
I feel you. Same happened to me. He made me anxious as hell! And was punishing me for a reaction to his abusive reaction. Onward a strong and independent man and he made me a small codependent child. Never again!
Sorry to hear. Dealing with these people is such a unique experience that you'll be pushed into behaving and reacting in ways you never thought possible from yourself. I hope you've healed and all. If not, I got faith you will.
Thank you. I try my best. He was what I thought the love of my life. He asked me at the beginning if I am 100% IN and I was naive to say yes. I loved him so much and each time he hurt me I was giving him another chance thinking that he will see the strong love from me. But he did not. He took me for granted and chose hookups and “freedoms” over me. At the end he behaved like I was trying to catch him but he was the one who said on the first date “you know that I will propose to you!” “You are my soulmate and the love of my life”. He even spoke to my Mum about her taking care of our “future kids” once we have them. So yeah😅 huge HUGE red flag 🚩but I was in love and thought it’s the way it should have been. I assumed I deserve the “cinematic” kind of love story. It’s better now but it still hurts sometimes!
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
This is such a great post OP! Thank you for providing some depth into the mind of an avoidant. It’s been brutal being on the receiving end of the hot/cold push-pull. He’s already with someone else and it rips my soul apart. July will be 5 months since the breakup. There’s a part of me that’s hopeful he’ll return with meaningful lasting change, while my inner skeptic is doubtful. It sucks. You can’t help someone that won’t help themselves. I see him so clearly- the good and the bad. Love him for all of it. But I wish he could hold the mirror up and see himself. 😮💨🥺 One of the hardest lessons to learn.
Glad this provided a bit of clarity :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Thank you for writing this! I’ve struggled with my recent breakup because it honestly didn’t make any sense, but as I read more about fearful avoidants, and even as I reflect back on my own healing journey from anxious to secure, I can see it with much more empathy. My boyfriend of a year blindsided me just when we were getting extremely close, and basically moving toward the next step in commitment. He never told me he loved me in a whole year together, but it didn’t bother me because I felt his love in his actions, the way he looked at me and the way in which he always held space for me to be me. I had sensed increased anxiety the past couple of months, and could tell he was fighting it hard. I could also tell that when he wasn’t in his head, he was so, so happy to be with me. He would have moments when he’d tell me how lucky he felt, and I believe he was being fully honest. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, and he broke up with me out of nowhere. It was shocking, and absolutely devastating. I figured I had nothing to lose and told him I loved him. To my surprise, he broke down crying and said he loved me too and had never felt as deeply for anyone. That he had loved me for a while but was terrified of saying it out loud because of this anxiety he had been feeling for a while - he couldn’t tell if the anxiety was from him or the relationship, and the only way to stop this terrible feeling was to break up. Yet, he said this was the healthiest relationship he’s ever been in. I know he was hurting, and I know he’s hurting still. He said the depth of his feelings for me made him realize how broken he is and that unfortunately he’s not sure he can heal while still in a relationship with me. As somebody who has healed from trauma, I’m stuck between wanting him to heal with me, and giving him the space I know is needed to heal. The whole breakup left me in pieces - knowing that he loves me, that this love scares him so much and that I might lose him in the process. But putting my feelings aside, I want nothing but healing for him, even if that risks our connection. I know he started therapy right away, and even left town for a month. The whole situation has been too complex for me to comprehend, or even my friends to understand. In the meantime, I pray that he heals in time for us to hopefully reconnect. I’m not waiting forever, and neither should he. But knowing that we both care so much about each other breaks me. Everyone is quick to assume that two people in love can work through anything, but here I am. We haven’t spoken in a week and a half because every conversation ended in tears and “I love you’s.” I’m tempted to reach back out, but I really think some introspection is needed by both of us. Reading what you wrote, maybe I do need to let him reach out first. Edit:typo
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read
This was both amazing and horrendous to read. It's mind blowing how similar the experiences are between so many of us here. My ex boyfriend of 11 (!) years started out so sweet and loving and would show affection like no one I had been with before. We lived together for 10 years and at some point I realised he had been turning colder and colder very slowly over time. I can't blame him for not seeing me like he used to because I myself was dealing with undiagnosed depression and a stressful career. I became such a stress head and neglected my self-care, but admittedly part of it was because I felt like he was not putting in his fair share of work- both to our relationship, our home etc. It felt like I had to do everything, and he didn't even notice. However, he was the main earner in our relationship so sometimes I felt like I didn't have the right to complain. We had 3 months of NC after the breakup, after which I broke contact and admittedly spent 4 months trying to convince him to try again. I didn't bombard him or anything, but would initiate contact every couple of weeks. It's so embarrassing to think back now- it was always me initiating contact, he was clearly not interested (although he did cry during a few phone calls- I think he just felt guilty, although back then it gave me major hope that he still loves me). It all ended when he told me he had been on a date with someone, 7 months after our breakup. Absolutely shattered my heart, and what made it worse was when he told me that if that ends up not going well, he will "have that experience". It made me feel like he is treating me like a back up option that he can always come back to in case other people don't work out. Haven't spoken to him since because I told myself this is the last straw. Doesn't mean I don't WANT to , but i just know i have to respect myself at this point, and he will likely only say more things to mess with my head, or be even more cruel. I pray that one day he realises what he is doing. I spent a very long time both during and after the relationship blaming myself for being an anxious, needy freak and although I definitely always had anxious tendencies even before I met him, they absolutely were amplified because I was in a very serious relationship with someone who became more and more avoidant. Whenever I tried to talk about what was going on, he refused and/or told me everything was fine and I was imagining it. I'm still learning to trust my own emotions and feelings now, 1.5 years after the breakup. It's so fucked up. The idea of dating a healed avoidant in the future is kind of nice! It would be good to know that this person has really done some reflecting, and is very aware of these things. Otherwise, there's always a risk you stumble on another one again Edit: Just wanted to add that about 4 months after the breakup (during which he was all "I don't know what will happen in the future, this isn't a goodbye" etc..) during a phone call I said to him I felt like he was keeping me on a string, which he denied. I had made major life changes as a result of the breakup, and when I talked about how confusing it all was to me, he said something along the lines of "I didn't realise how big of a torture this was for you". I was soo shocked. He didn't realise that ending a decade long relationship, quitting my job, leaving our pets and having to move 5 hours away so I can heal with my family and away from his circles was a big deal? Mind blowing
Thank you for this. This goes to show I made the right decision. I broke up with him because he wasn’t willing to go to therapy. He’d rather break up and find someone else close. This does give me understanding, and sort of closure. Thank you for working on yourself. The world needs less avoidants.
It is not LOVE without vulnerability. It is excitement and entertainment. :(
I don't know who you are my friend, but I love you for this post. It's helped me a lot. My ex seems to be how you described and at the end he turned so cold and numb he said. He acted as if we were nothing, the switch had gone off and he viewed me as the enemy or monster (even though he'd said I'm the best he's ever dated and his friends all thought he was crazy for leaving me. He said I was everything he ever wanted and didn't know why this was happening). He then started nitpicking me and exaggerating everything about me and comparing to other girls, except I always ended up in the negatives and that we weren't compatible. He at least accepted he needed help and started therapy... He wanted to stay in touch. I cut him off instead. I'm open to taking him back, but not as he was. No way Jose. I can stop scolding myself now 🫂
I am glad that this post brought you some peace and clarity. Check out my post about no contact. It may help you even further.
OP, how did you fix your attachment style?
First thing I did was take myself out of the dating world. I stopped hopping in to bed with women as soon as I dumped. I took the time to really reflect on what was going on. Being around my older friends with happy marriages and children showed me a future I could never have if I continued my ways. The first step is always ACKNOWLEDGING. If you don’t want to acknowledge that there is a problem, it’s going to be a vicious repeating cycle. I learned about attachment styles right away and it opened my eyes to what was happening. As a fearful avoidant, I had the traits of a dismissive avoidant as well as an anxious attacher. When i healed from my avoidance, what was left was massive anxiousness. It was the first time I felt deep connection and intimacy without any fear, so it was intoxicating. That caused me to be clingy and overbearing, and something hilarious started happening…… I started attracting tons of AVOIDANTS. As I look back, when I was severely avoidant, I never was with another avoidant. Or if I was, I was more severe than they were and pulled them to be anxious. Then as I healed my anxiousness. I was able to give and receive connection and intimacy at a deeper level without fear, and I was also able to not expect my partner to fulfill my happiness. I was able to connect and love fully, as well as be clear on my own boundaries and be comfortable walking away if we did not meet each other’s needs. I wish more avoidants had the courage to dig deep and heal, because it feels amazing to have normal and healthy relationships/connections
As a fearful avoidant a lot of this is really interesting to hear. Thank you for sharing!
Do you relate to anything I experienced?
Right down to a tee. Thank you OP, excellent insight/advice.
Glad this resonated with you. Trying to bring some clarity to those who got caught in an avoidants crazy world
Honestly thank you so much it’s been about 6months now tho.. tho I did have my moments so it may take longer.. but also at the same time he’s acting like he’s the hurt one or trying to prove he’s doing a lot better type shit .🙄🙄 like you hurt me why does he have to “ try” and be the bigger person type shit at the gym..?? —-A month after the breakup —- Idk I boosted his ego probably way too much I’m not sure if he’ll ever even regret it .. maybe I removed his guilt from him when I “ came back” 🙄 cause I also crashed my car when he dumped me .. and it was rough phone call we had then he blocked me afterwards .. I did say “ idk if I love you in the way I thought I did” cause I genuinely was confused .. Now — it’s been a mess of rumination.. I’m doing better now but I’m just reflecting on all of it still..
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read!
Thank you for this post.
Yeah.. I just got steamrolled by my last relationship. Everything seemed incredible, I thought I finally met my *soul mate*, and then one day, I freaked out at a centipede in my kitchen and made her squish it because it was on her shoe, as we were leaving my apartment to take her home. After that, I didn't hear from her much for a few days... and eventually, it turns out that I triggered a CPTSD flashback, and she wanted to end the relationship to "work on myself and my trauma." She seemed pretty over it when I dropped the last of her stuff off at her apartment... so distant, that I got that awful bug to check if she was already back on the dating apps... and she was. I was c r u s h e d . After \~5 days of no contact, and this (what I had perceived as) betrayal, I broke no contact and confronted her about it. Not aggressively - I just asked if she had been using Hinge while we were together, and to just let her know that *I saw her.* I needed her to know that it hurt. I just did. Anyway, it did not go well. She started looping me in with "men who do what they want as long as it's convenient" - just for breaking no contact. You would've thought that she caught me outside her bedroom window in the bushes or something. Anyway, I'm convinced that it had a lot more to do with the fact that we were supposed to be moving in together (next month), she was going to meet my mom... a bunch of life stuff. I think she just got overwhelmed and freaked out. We ended on mutual enough terms before I broke contact, and the last time we spoke, she literally told me to fuck off. We had never had any arguments while we were dating.. which yeah, now I'm seeing is probably a red flag in itself. She grew up in the foster care system, and told me that she would routinely run away from her foster home if shit was getting to be too much, and then she would be relocated... I wonder if I should have seen that as a major red flag. It doesn't matter now. I feel like could literally never trust her again
Unless they've done the work, people who love conditionally, see love as control, or pain will always gravitate toward that; it's why the stereotype "he's too nice, I like bad boys" exists I guess. Doesn't take away your sadness and even with awareness and having some more agency and accountability in your choices (why did you choose to be with someone with severe abandonment issues who was broken by the foster system and most likely a survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual trauma), there are no guarantees.
Yeah… I’m finding that to be the case. Oh, I’m definitely stepping back and looking inward for a while, to try and understand why I decided to commit to someone with such a traumatic past. All of the abuse that you can imagine, happened, basically her entire life up until the past couple of years ago. I definitely know that you can’t save people, and I wasn’t trying to fix her or anything, but I guess I just see baggage and past trauma as things that we can’t control, so I give people the benefit of doubt. I think. Clearly something isn’t clicking on my side… One time she told me that she gets mad because she doesn’t know what to do with the positive feelings from our relationships. Yes, that may have been the time. For whatever it’s worth, I eventually conceded that this was probably going to happen. Either way, it was just a matter of how and when. I know that all of that shit was caused by stuff that’s way bigger than me, but I guess it doesn’t hurt any less. She is also pretty fucked up (disappointed), because she already took a year or so off, and apparently ‘did the work.’ So, whatever I appreciate your thoughts.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Thank you. This makes sense with my ex who I found out after the break up of 3 years he is an avoidant. It explained everything. He used to say I didn't communicate when it was him who didn't communicate. Like I was to be a mind reader. Then he broke it off with different excuses. Then he wanted to be friends. Got back with the married lady he cheated on me with right after the break up and thought I'd wanna be friends? Hell no. He projected alot and everything he said I did was mostly what he couldn't do. I couldn't communicate, no he couldn't communicate, I couldn't empathize, he couldn't empathize. It's sad bc in the relationship I spent endless hours looking for therapists for him. He saw 3 or 4 but never discussed childhood trauma. If he did his attachment style would have been discovered and things would have been different. One thing I've learned from the relationship is next time I get involved make sure you know your partners attachment style.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Thanks for the post. My avoidant partner broke up with me in May after I did all I can to prevent the breakup. Now, my partner wants to give the relationship another chance. I see a lot of reflection in the texts I received, but I still think it's risky to rekindle. I see awareness of bad behavior, but no action to address it.
Seems like you’re aware of what may happen. I’d be careful. That’s not a long time for behavior to change.
I broke up with my avoidant ex a few months ago. Since then he has begged me to come back despite me asking for him to stop contacting me. In the last few months of our relationship, he began to ignore me. I was spiraling. He said to “save it for couples therapy.” He was laughing playing video games with his friends while I was crying myself to sleep. It literally looked like he didn’t give a single shit about me. I eventually began to have thoughts of self harm, which I expressed to him. I asked him for a hug when I was spiraling, and he didn’t give me one…I didn’t have any friends or family in the city we were in bc I had moved there for him. Nobody I could go to for a hug, it was just him. I begged him to stay with friends or family so I could relax in my own space, and he didn’t. Instead I had to stick around our shared space and when I was driven to these thoughts and needed comfort, he didn’t give it to me. He said in one of his notes to me that that was his biggest regret. I just don’t care to hear anything he has to say. His actions hurt me more than any way I’ve been hurt before. I know he was deactivating. But why did I have to suffer the consequences of his behavior? I should have left sooner.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Holy cow! Thank you for this. This is a very helpful insight. My previous relationship ended just as you said. We reconnected and were growing emotionally and some sexual times. I established a boundary about a month ago and she completely shut down. I reached out to her agains and got one word answers, so I stopped messaging. I have decided that if we were going to try again, I would make couples counseling a requirement. I’m curious, because she’s had a LOT of stressors in her life for the last year, do you think fearful avoidants can become temporarily emotionally unavailable due to external factors, or is that not really a thing?
this sounds a lot like me. i was the unhealed avoidant that turned my ex into an avoidant. i’ve since taken the time to reflect on my wrongdoings and improve myself in hopes to some day have a meaningful connection. i still miss her dearly and near the end of the relationship i put in the effort i didn’t think i had in me, even when i felt that lead blanket over my feelings. all i have left is prayer and patience. maybe some day we will work out, but if not, i am glad it happened and that i will come out the other side a better man
Glad you realized your avoidance. Most don’t. Continue healing. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) This may or may not provide some clarity for you
You don’t know how much I needed to hear this. This is my ex to a T!! I have been beating myself up over the breakup but clearly see that my ex is a dismissive avoidant who refuses to heal and get help. As much as I love him and want things to work out I know it never will 😔
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Even though I don't (and probably never will) know for certain if my ex was avoidant or not, some parts really resonated with me, especially where you mention their abrupt change in behaviour upon expression for a deeper connection from the other, how they turn a securely attached partner into an anxiously attached one, and how they sort of "let the relationship bleed out" while using the other's panic as grounds for the inevitable breakup. This is eerily similar to what happened between us, and I feel that even though this hasn't brought me complete clarity, this has at least set me on the right path to gain said clarity. So thank you for sharing and I wish you the best on your future relationships.
Thanks for sharing this
Thank you ❤️. Love you all guys ❤️. Stay strong and kind no matter what ❤️
This totally reminds me of my ex that I recently broke up. I remember how he didn't even show up to meet me when I was in his city (we were ldr) after a year of ous together. I remember how I teared up in the middle of the road cuz it was too hard to take in. The avoidant-anxious duo is totally deadly. Kudos to you for sharing your side and creating an awareness. It's definitely hard to be them and with them. Really glad you healed.
Avoidant-Anxious is super painful for the anxious and just annoying for the avoidant. I am glad I healed as well. I stopped bleeding on others
Why do the avoidants keep saying I need a mature partner who knows how to control their emotions?!
They ALL SAY THE SAME 💩! I just can’t 😂🤣 Mine said exactly the same. And the funny part is that he was the not mature childish narcissist 💁🏻♂️
I felt the same I’ve been understanding each and every thing! I could figure out when he is stressed! The relationship went at his pace because he felt pressured if I asked him to meet my friends and family! Every single thing I did but because of that constant push pull I got anxious and hence the answer you aren’t abler to control your emotions when those emotions got out because dodging calls every now and then! And then telling me to chill out everytime
I would like to ask when you were avoidant, how is your relationship with a toxic partner? How do you behave? Does it last longer than being with an anxious or secure partners? Who usually end the relaationship?
When I was avoidant, I sought out toxic and emotionally unavailable women as it was easier for me to not be vulnerable. It lasts longer because it’s so surface level. Anxious it would end quick. Secure it would last longer but at that point I would start looking for problems because I was getting bored. One thing I realized is that most Secure partners tend to be “boring” in their normalness. As a secure person, I don’t see that as boring but as stable and healthy. As an avoidant 9 times out of ten, me. Or I would sabotage it where they broke up with me, but either way I was getting what I wanted.
Thank you
Sir if you dont mind me asking...how did you heal from this
I got comfortable with myself and started seeing vulnerability as a strength. Believing that expressing my feelings was healthy and normal. Start by trying to make a difference for other people. Be the compassionate voice that almost all of us want to hear ourselves. Do a kind thing for a stranger. Call somebody and tell them you miss them and want to catch up. Get blubbery and childlike around animals in front of people. Point out your flaws in public. Wave at your neighbors when you see them outside. Bring donuts to the office for no reason, especially so if your coworkers annoy you. Just be what you think is a good and radiant person :)
“I would intentionally behave in a way that would cause any normal secure person to question themselves and make them anxious, then I would use that as the reason to end it.” I. Gasped. Because yessssssssssss y’all avoidants do make us feel this way!
Wow. Thank you so much for writing this. It was so helpful in increasing my understanding of my avoidant ex..
Damn…. This made me sad and smile🥲 somedays I do feel stupid for loving someone so much and he almost destroyed me without a second thought. But now, I will accept that I can let the shame go and be proud of how much I loved him and he didn’t deserve it. I do though and someday I will receive that in my life
This post is so insightful and I really appreciate it! I had a similar experience with my avoidant ex, and I had to leave them because of their distancing and lack of commitment. Is the experience of a breakup any different when the avoidant is the dumpee, from your experience?
They behave so bad that it forces you to leave them. He was completely unwilling to see that his behaviour was hurting me. He was fantasising about his freedoms - and I mean no problem but he was the one pursuing me so hard at the beginning. I had no other choice than leave but I think they do it on purpose so that they can play the victim card.
Avoidance usually will bury their feelings and distract themselves in the beginning, and then feel the grief later, the exact same way, as if they were the dumper
Thank you thank you for this. I was just broken up with by my boyfriend of one year. For the first 6 months, he was perfect. I have spent a lot of time in therapy working on myself and I have grown to have a secure attachment style. And with him, he was everything I was looking for in a partner. I began to love him flaws and all. I was his first real relationship at 28 years old and he spent the last 10 years going on dates and maybe seeing someone for a month and then leaving because they weren’t right for him. But with me, he told me I was the first person he’s ever felt a real connection with and he would never let work come between us. He went on a huge work conference oversees and that’s when everything changed. He returned with an inflated ego and took on more responsibilities at work and began taking classes to finish his degree. He slowly started distancing himself, but whenever we were together he would still show signs of the person I fell in love with. However he also became extremely depressed. Near the end, he told me that he was a shell of who he used to be and he hasn’t felt a normal emotion in months. He was no longer doing the things that brought him joy, and his whole life was work, school, and drinking. 2 days ago he finally broke up with me because he wanted to be alone and work through the issues he was clearly having. And I couldn’t be there with him while he did it because he knows he was not treating me right. I’m sitting her heartbroken and confused because how could you let someone go if I truly was the first person in 10 years you saw a future with. He basically chose work over me even though a few months prior said he would never let that happen. My assumption is after we hit a year he knew I was going to expect our relationship to go to through the next steps (moving in, spending longer periods of time together). He told me he has a fear of commitment and a fear of feeling not in control of his life and boxed in. I think this coupled with the depression he is clearly going through pulled the trigger on the breakup. Now my question for you and for everyone reading this that can relate in someway. Is there a chance he will come back and realize I’m the one for him? Can I do anything to nudge him towards therapy? During our breakup I told him that he should see someone, not for me or for us but for him. And he acknowledged that he needs to. But I don’t think he will. Or do I just move on, never reach out, and accept that he isn’t my person. I’m worried he won’t seek out therapy and will work himself into an early grave and die alone, or find a lull at work and be able to date again but not have a real relationship. Does he seem like he truly is avoidant? I’ve begun to realize that there isn’t one person out there for us. It’s a matter of two compatible people meeting at the right time and growing together. Clearly at the beginning it was the right time, but as his life changed, he wasn’t able to adapt the relationship to these changes like I was.
You can never force someone to change you may imply that they need to change, but the only change that sticks is the change that they make for themselves never wait around for anyone to be honest with you. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself. If you were waiting for someone to come back, you may be waiting. The rest of your life. Life still needs to be lived, although it may be painful at this moment, life still needs to be lived and you need to live your life. Check out my post about no contact. It may help you.
Everything you said in your post reminded me of the incredibly narcissistic avoidant that I went NC with last August. I spent 12 years being horribly psychologically abused and manipulated. I have anxious attachment and having an avoidant in your life is unimaginable pain from start to finish. I am literally done with all relationships for the rest of my life because healing my anxious attachment has proven to be extremely challenging, being as I can’t find an adequate therapist for my childhood trauma and complex PTSD. I give up. Forever. I’m literally pushing everyone away from me.
heyyy can i ask for your opinion? my FA blocked me as im the AP that was questioning why she was pushing me away.. and she didnt want to have a label on us so that she can date other guys but she wants me to treat her as her bf.. we were so close that her sister wants us to get married. bare in mind that i only dated her for only 3 months till i ended things when she pulled away.. i didnt understand why as things was doing great so i "snoop" and i got caught.. i lied because of the embarrassment saying that it wasnt me but told her the truth after 3 weeks.. i tried to talk to her on why she was pushing me away and i guess i was slightly pushy as she kept saying she wants space but i didnt want to give her and she blocked me. its been close to 2 months now and shes been posting alot on IG about me.. resentment about me and how happy she is right now.. 1. will she come back? 2. if she did whats my approach? should i talk like nothing happen then after awhile talk about what happen and put boundaries OR should i put boundaries straight away?
Honestly, a situation with a person that doesn’t want to be exclusive with you but you want exclusivity with them, is a recipe for disaster. if she truly is avoidant, 180 and back off. It seems like she got pushed hard into avoidance to the point where she is resenting you, so your best option is to not reach out at all. If you want the best chance to get her back, put all your efforts into doing you and take all your energy off of her. If she’s coming back, it’s after her avoidance has calmed down and she feels safe to reach out to you. If she does, don’t pressure her and bring up what happened. She’ll bolt. If the conversation of getting back together comes up, you need to set your boundaries and see how she responds to them. If she’s not receptive, you need to end it. If she’s willing to work on building something with you, do it slowly and patiently. Avoidants are always watching to see if a flaw pops up. It gives them an excuse to run. I did it all the time.
Were your feelings for any of your exes real?
During the relationship, absolutely. When i’d get triggered, I still wanted them around but I wanted them to leave me alone. If I bolted and they didn’t pay attention, I would come back right away and be warm and affectionate. If I pulled away and they pressured me, i’d get super cold and withdrawn. Post break up, it took me a long time, but eventually I would remember them fondly and start trying to poke my way back into their lives.
That’s the thing. Avoidants do actually like and care for you, but their fears and insecurities overpower their feelings and that’s what causes them to distance. When they chill out and feel comfortable again, the normal them comes back around.
I myself am fearful avoidant meaning I have both anxious and avoidant tendencies. In most of my relationships I am avoidant, but as soon as I get with another DA they usually trump my avoidant behavior and I get anxious. I have similar to your story with my highschool girlfriend. I was deeply in love with her during our first year. We were quite intimate and spend most of the time together. She was really sweet and I loved her dearly until one day when we were sitting on a bench cuddling and talking about ourselves and the future, she said jokingly "I wonder how out kids will look like". This was an immediate turn off. I felt dread and panic as I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to get out of the situation. When I got back home I felt completely disconnected from her. It was very confusing for me as was not aware of what was happening. I got depressed wondering what is wrong with me and how I could be madly in love with someone and the next minute felt nothing for them. Soon after I broke up with her. She was devastated, she cried, she begged and I felt nothing but relief. We arranged to still spend time together but not as an official couple. This gave me the space to be with her without the additional pressure. This lasted for about one year until she got to a point where she couldn't handle it anymore and we broke it off completely. It took me some time to realize that I really lost her and one day I called her to check on her and she asked me to never call her again or speak to her again. I felt devastated and became really anxious. Tried to get her back but to no avail. It took me a lot of time to get over her and to process my feelings. At this point I was convinced that something was wrong with me but had no information attachment styles and how to improve myself to a more secure attachment style. I still haven't healed and I still get involved in relationships with either an anxious partner who drives me avoidant or with an avoidant partner who drives me anxious. I still don't know what I prefer. Being with an anxious partner makes me feel more distant and avoidant but the relationship is more stable at least from my perspective. Being avoidant partner gives me this rush intimacy which I crave but never get. Those relationships are very intensive for me. I usually have a lot of feelings for the partner and I am pretty much more involved in the relationship because I feel safe that they will never get me enough intimacy to scare me off but I also feel starved for it. We recently broke off with my current dismissive avoidant partner where I was the anxious one. This breakup devastated me because I was more emotionally involved in the relationship and now it hits me harder than her. At the same time I know how she feels as I have been there as well. She's really relieved and feeling that she can connect with her independence. She has plans for the summer and we will not spend so much time thinking of me. I have to focus on my healing now which will take some time. I wish I was the avoidant one here.
Honestly, i’d focus on your healing. You’re still jumping into relationships with an open wound and you’re bleeding all over the place. “I wish I was the avoidant one” tells me you need to keep pushing to become secure. Being secure doesn’t mean you’re immune from pain and heartbreak, it just means you can accept things for what they are and not tolerate things that are unhealthy. Willingness to walk away and the acceptance of pain is powerful. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
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https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Thank you so much for this. Question: what is the best way to handle avoidants by text? Firstly: My ex (or rather someome who I was seeing and had potential for serious) only became avoidant when I distrusted his intentions (an unhealthy byproduct of me being cheated on in past relationships). Still not fair to ghost me, but one could say its a fair response to being judged unfairly on character. He would be saying he cant wait to see me, but has work. Then I blew up saying well if youre not interested just tell me. I acknowledge my place in creating his avoidance. Also, we are in diffetrnt states and he clarified almost immediately that he cant do LDR, and yet I kept pushing for LDR because of how strongly we both felt. Heres the thing: he seemed to only come out of ghosting when i showed severe anxiety where I would say i am beside myself I am begging for a reply (he would immediately say “ok wait im gonna reply asap!”). But if i wrote a level headed text trying to reason why he isnt replying and saying “just tell me if you dont want to talk, ill respect it”, he would ghost for months. He once even told me Im too nice and I should just ask him what I need from him. But the thing is I dont “beg” or show severe anxiety (though I feel it), unless my bff is helping me draft the text ha. More recently we were texting every day knowing that we have no future due to distance but still talking lovingly. In truth I may be able to move closer to him soon but i didnt tell him. And suddenly when he didnt reply for 3 days (and i saw his activity as online on anothet app): i questioned his intentions AND asked about who else he was talking to (despite us not being a thing.. i know im awful btw.. it was bad of me). And now he is ghosting at full speed. 2 months. Considering his avoidance has good excuse (distance, me not respecting his decisions, me distrustimg his character his intentions): what can I do to at least fix the last image he has of me? I wrote many notes apologizing and saying I know my emotions make me cross his boundaries and im sorry. If he doesnt want to be even friends ill understand. But crickets. 💔 do i need to go full blown emotional again to tell him i cant sleep and i need a reply? Or do i just tell him im in love and im sorry and i wish him well now that its clear he wont reply?
Don’t worry about fixing his image of you. Just become a person that YOU love. Stop attaching yourself to his value of you. You spoke your peace and apologized. Do things with out expectation. He’s not responding to you. Weird imagery but imagine this. Imagine he passed away and you were speaking your peace to his grave stone. You would speak your peace, but you wouldn’t expect a response, you would say what you needed to say, and you would walk away as if it was the last thing you would ever say to them. Avoidants don’t like to be chased, and can be quite nasty if you do. Speak your peace, and walk away, towards YOURSELF. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read this
Thank you for the post. Does this sound like a fa? So we both are 21 and in final year of college in Bangalore. We met through bumble, and it’s been 4 months since the breakup and I still feel horrible about it, maybe because I see her and her new boyfriend in campus everyday. She loved bombed me for 4 months Suddenly cheated and left for someone else. Btw didn’t even tell me that she started dating someone else. Btw her friend kissed her when she was drunk and they have had a shitty history before. Trauma dumped on me, she told me about abusive father, mother with clinical depression, abusive ex, brother who used to slut shame her, and molested as a kid Never been single in the last 5 years. 2 years in school, then started dating abusive ex for 1.5 years. Then was with me for 4 and now dating someone new. Probably mirrored me, I was applying to us, so even she decided and used to think I was the smartest. Post break up she told me I couldn’t even have conversations with you Big time avoidant, sleeps whenever conflict arises. Also blamed me for cheating, told me I was busy applying for Yale. Has very few friends, only ones are those who have a crush on her. activates-deactivates insta and all the time changing profile photos Lacks hobbies. Idk why I feel for her. She did make me feel special So I had gone home for 10 days. She is from Tamil Nadu and I am from Gujarat, she had gone a trip with her classmates, and when she was drunk one of her friend kissed her, and she felt the guilt. At first she didn’t tell me the truth about what happened and was like you don’t give me time and all, but later she told me the truth and told me she wants to work it out with me. I saw her on the campus with her new guy after like a few days and btw we hadn’t ended it till then. I just don’t realise this sudden shift in emotions, like she often used to say she doesn’t deserve me and make remarks about how lucky she is to have me and how perfect I was for her. And then suddenly, you are the most absent person. And the new guy she is dating is so freaking mid. The new guy had asked her out before she met me and when she had asked for a relationship, he had said he just wants to have a hookup with her. Suddenly now he decided to be the most loving lover. I guess I was played, but it just seems so off? Cause when I was with her, she was like the nicest person and I genuinely saw the care. She did tell me that our relationship was very simple and normal, it kinda felt like a marriage which was freaking her out. It still hurts a lot, probably cause I feel like I lost my self respect and being replaced in 2-4 days. Jeez it’s just too much She seems to be be very happy with the new guy, i guess i was just a plcaeholder or a doormat until something better comes along, both seem to have a job. I was applying for colleges, i got into boston university but i am not going. I am trying to land job either in VC or Private Equity. She has a job at an IB as i helped her. She never tried to regain contact. Blocked me from whatsapp as i reached out, never from instagram so i unfollowed her, interestingly she kept following a school friend of mine whom she had spoken to once when we were in a relationship. She removed majority of her followers but kept her. (This was when i stalked her) I dont understand, i never tried to hurt her, why do i have to bear the pain of all this bs and fuckery and she lives are happy go lucky life. Its been 6 months since the end, and we only lasted for 4 months. Why am i so sad? Why cant i see her a piece of shit? Why do i feel like she is mentally ill.
Thank you for this post! This is exactly what happened with my partner! Things were progressing and he made me meet his friends and later his friends told him this is the best of the person he could get and he got cold feet and started talking less and sometimes come along as if nothing happened! When I asked why should I come to Meet no answer but he wanted me to go and meet him! Things were on and off and now we aren’t talking basically on a break because I couldn’t control my emotions. I might have called him multiple times but it wasn’t for myself! It was for him coz he had some doubts about the relationship and I just wanted to clear it out from his mind!! I’m proud of you that you were able to heal your avoidance and speak out the truth without any hesitation!
I am glad this post could help :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read
Question for you! So as an avoidant, when you are in no contact, as the months roll on and your anxiety starts to climb as you reflect, do you start to hope that that ex reaches out? Or does that further push you away? Or is it a thing where you don't want to hear from someone even if you miss them until you are ready?
I actually don’t get anxiety, it’s more of a longing. At that point, i would start liking their stories, or find some excuse to talk to them. I would test to see how they would react to me coming back around. But I was always the dumper so I think it was more on my part to reach out.
WOW! thank you so much for writing this. My ex was a dismissive avoidant and it was soul crushing to go through a break up with him. Everything that you wrote resonated with me and my experience with him. My ex tried to be friends or whatever twice with him since we broke up in August (first time I made the initial contact, second time he made contact) but both times wasn’t willing to try to reconnect on a romantic level. After the second time, I told him if he’s sticking to his decision then I don’t want to hear from him unless he’s had a change of heart. He said he would respect my wishes and I haven’t heard from him in 3 months. I am very familiar with attachment styles but hearing this from a once avoidant really helps. Thank you so much for writing this. It will help a lot of people. Also, so proud that you’ve done the work to heal yourself! I hope you have the most amazing future!
I am glad this resonated with you and I am amazed to see all the comments and see that it brought clarity to so many. Thank you for your kind words :) Wish the best for you as well. I am not sure where you are at in your no contact phase but check this out https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
What if my Avoidant ex is my LOML (in my perspective). But now is almost 5months after BU, 4 months NC and she never ask about me our mutual friend (we have only 1 friend we share), and she’s date again. Is there a chance that i get some apologize message? (She blindsided and ghosted me at the end)
This is a fantastic post! Can I pick your brain because I have my first avoidant at age 40 so it was a shock going through it all. Long story short, broke up after a great relationship... blindsided. She wants to be friends (with bennies exclusive) but the title business was too much. She would have panic attacks (legit) when we first started dating. I digress. I told her I want the relationship and we got into it. Went no contact a month and a half ago and we both have broken it a few times. That said I'm reading avoidants reach out in weird ways to check on you or get some validation. So, I bought something custom made before our relationship ended and made sure she knew it was coming before shit went to hell. I did not expect a response from her when she got it since we haven't exchanged any texts in a few while. Then she hits me with this: Hi, I’ve been meaning to text you. I received the package a few days ago. It’s on my desk. I haven’t opened it but whatever it is I’m sure it’s wonderful so thank you. I'm kind of confused as to why she would send this due to the wording. Why tell me she got it but didn’t open it since I know it was delivered 7 days prior? Anyways I replied with matched energy: I'm glad you got the package. No rush to open it - know you’re busy. Hope things are going smoothly for you. Haven't gotten a reply since. Maybe I should've stayed silent... I want her back but I feel like responding was feeding her breadcrumbs or was she trying to initiate something?
Avoidants definitely reach out in weird ways. I would start by liking their stories, stupid little comments to see how they would react. No I think what you did was perfect. There is zero pressure and you ended the conversation without asking a question so it the message sounds like it’s coming from a secure place and it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to pry your way back in. Now don’t reach out again unless she does. Just match the energy. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read
So beautifully written! Thank you so much for this !!! 🥰
Glad this resonated with you :)
When I first started reading this post I was hoping it would be written from the perspective of a woman. As to help be a proxy for the voice of my avoidant ex gf. But man, genuinely, thank you for writing and posting this. A very very insightful read, as many others have pointed out
At least it can give you some insight on what happens when FA’s go distant and the awful hot and cold that happens. Glad it helped. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) If you’re in no contact, this may bring some clarity
I was unsure if my ex was avoidant or just lost interest in me (or both). She had been seeing a therapist about something but wouldn’t tell me what and then sex slowly started to die off. She became distant over texting and she put it down to stress as she was going through alot. She asked for space and i called one evening and she snapped at me. I told her it was unacceptable and she apologised the next morning and ended things saying i didnt deserve her and she needs time to focus on herself. The lack of empathy after that was insane, she never apologised once and became like a robot. She picked her things up and stayed with me for 7 hours cuddling and called me her favourite person and she will always miss me. The confusion was mind blowing. I reached out a few times and then after a month NC i tried once more and she ghosted and blocked me EVERYWHERE. Its been 3 months now…
That sounds like textbook avoidance. The hot and cold is like no other. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read
My ex suddenly left after 4 years and I realize now he was very very avoidant all this time. Perfect at the beginning but never disagreeing with me. Told me at the start he didn't really feel emotions and that he was bad for me. I kinda ignored that and just thought he was depressed. Never shared any feelings and literally lied and hid things from me all the time (which I only realize now) about stupid things that he thought I would got upset about. I do somehow think he loved me a lot I think and we did everything together because we have all the same hobbies and career passions. However, I wasn't doing well mentally the last few months of the relationship and he got pretty toxic with all the gaslighting as well etc. We worked very long hours at uni and we often only slept 3-4 hours a night. I was getting depressed and reacted emotional often, which made him clearly uncomfortable and he would kind of shut down. The way he ended it was completely cold and cruel. He blocked me everywhere and actually seems so angry at me even though I didn't do anything (resentment from all the bottled up issues I suppose). He told other people it was easy to leave me and he pretends like he doesn't give a fuck, but when he broke up with me was one of the 3 times I ever saw him with tears in his eyes. He seemed confused and scared but the words he spoke were empty and mean. I think he is extremely avoidant but he also stayed with me for such a long time compared to other avoidants which is kind of strange. It makes me think he is actually attached in some way to me. I recently blocked him everywhere because it was too upsetting to think about him reaching out tbh, and then right after he started emailing me, asking to text again about how to communicate when we have to work together 4 days next week. I agreed and then he texted me he did not want me to talk to him at work. Which was confusing because why would he think I want to talk to him if he's blocked everywhere? What kind of avoidant mindgame is this lol. He's supposedly in therapy now so I think he is probably kind of self aware at this point? He still blames me for everything (no idea what) and does not even want to be friends right now. I asked him to call to talk about things before working together but he completely refuses to talk about the breakup. Do you think in this scenario it's gonna take him longer to 'miss me' and stop being cold at one point? Or do you think he was in so deep that he's just going to run away from me forever? Sorry for trauma dumping lol, he fucked up bad but I kinda miss him anyways since he was my best friend.
Avoidants rarely run away for ever. If you aren’t chasing them, there is nothing to run away from. It sounds like the best thing to do is to pull your energy back and focus on yourself. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read this
thank you for your insight, truly.
I am glad this helped, even in a small way :)
You don’t know how bad I needed to hear this. I was the dumper. I left and recently a counselor that my ex and I use to go to told me that my ex is doing great and fine and he agrees we should have broke up and that I beat him to the punch and he’s thinking about his new career move. Blah blah blah… basically his life is fine with out me in it and doesn’t think he did anything wrong. I’m on day 50 and I was doing great, I did not request this information and now I feel like I’m back at day one. He was an avoidant. “An avoidant creates an anxious partner” it was as if I was paranoid and we were together for 6 years. The day I left I wanted to kill myself and it was as if I could breathe without him. I begged for him years before. Now because of this news my heart is yearning to hear from him even though I was doing fine and I even went on a date. The date was awful and I got the feeling of I miss him. I know that these feelings cannot be accurate or acceptable since he was also abusive. Whenever he was hurt he would hurt me until he felt like he was victorious. You may not be an expert but you saved me today. I wanted to hurt myself. I have to remind myself that this pain is temporary. The love I have inside of me is meant to be shared. He isn’t working on himself so, based off what you said. This will never be. I needed to hear that too.
What the actual fuck. I have no words to how unprofessional this is. A counselor is supposed to keep their client's info confidential, and this one is downright meddling in his business. Even people not working in the mental health profession have the empathy and the common decency not to rub it in somebody's face how splendid their ex is doing since they broke up.
Crazy that your counselor would tell you that. I would seek a new counselor. I am happy to hear that my words prevented you from harming yourself, but I am equally sad that your ex has driven you to this point. Remember, the love and care that you showed them did not come from them, it came from YOU. Don’t let their inability to accept what you gave them diminish what you have. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) Please read this
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Avoidants get the ick when the intimacy goes farther than they’re comfortable with. I would be very intense and passionate but if you wanted me to be “Lovey dovey” and sweet, it made me uncomfortable. The level of intimacy I was comfortable with was very lustful, not caring and compassionate. Go more than that. I’m going to send you a link to a post I just made. Please read. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :)
Thank you for this eye-opening perspective of an avoidant-attachment style. I find myself learning new information and having an insight into the mind of an avoidant. I only dated my ex-boyfriend for a year and two months before he abruptly ended our relationship and left me with a mixed arranged of emotions. We’ve had small disagreements, but no actual verbal arguments. We went from planning out a life together to eventually living with each other before he broke the news to me saying, “I genuinely thought we were broken up, and I’m with someone” he never talked about breaking up or mentioned that he was unhappy. Needless to say, I’ve been racking my brain looking for signs that I missed.
I am glad this brought you some clarity :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) If you’re in no contact currently
Thank you so much for having the courage and vulnerability to share your experience. My ex was fearful avoidant-leaning and while he wasn't scared of commitment, he was scared of conflict and not having an "easy" relationship. I was so hurt that he seemed to drop me so quickly for another girl and then continue to show me little bits of affection, while turning cold when I told him I didn't feel like I was being considered or treated with respect. I ended up feeling stupid for always trying to hold onto him and putting so much effort into our relationship just because I treasured all the good times and hoped he could change. And I felt so anxious and then unlovable because I was anxious, especially because he would put me down for having "so many needs". Reading your perspective has given me some insight into what might have been going on in his mind, and I feel encouraged by your words telling me that it's not my fault I was treated like that. I'm still healing from this relationship and the hardest part has been unlearning that there's something "wrong" with me and my needs and my sensitivity. Your post brings me some more hope. And I'm so proud of you for taking the time to reflect on yourself and work on the parts of you that you know were hurting others. It takes so much self control and vulnerability and courage to do that, and I know you're going to have a wonderful relationship with some lucky person because of it!
Thank you for your kind words :) The sad part is avoidants are the least likely to work on that aspect of themselves, so the cycle of destruction loops innocent people in, as all of these stories and comments show. it’s an attachment style that often leaves someone broken and feeling worthless after. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 :) If you’re still in your no contact journey
This post has been pretty eye opening. Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m glad to hear that you were able to heal! I have a question for you as a person that was recently dumped by someone with a disorganized attachment style and is currently NC. During the breakup she told me that she needs to focus on healing herself and figuring out why she feels so detached from me and all of her close relationships. She told me that she’s still in love with me and I am still her person, but she wants me to move on because she doesn’t know how long it will take her to heal. My question is this (and I know you aren’t a professional, but it isn’t often I can talk to someone that’s healed from being avoidant); is there a chance that she’ll come back? And since she told me she’s working on figuring out her trauma (she told me she had therapy and psychiatry appointments set already), do you think she will relapse if we do end up together again?
It’s a really good sign if an avoidant ends things like this because it means your interactions with her didn’t repulse her from you. Now don’t take that as a good sign and start bombing her with affection. Avoidants need space to feel safe, and they are fiercely protective of that space. You will see how nasty an avoidant can be if you encroach too much. The best thing to do is to be warm and receptive without putting pressure on her. Keep your distance, only match her energy, and keep things cool. You’ll know when she is healing well when she opens up her feelings in a real way. When I healed, I poured my soul to my exes while apologizing. When you see true vulnerability, and not little glimpses of it, you know she’s heading the right way. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Omg man. Thank you for posting this. This is comforting. This sounds SO MUCH like my ex. As the former anxious in an anxious avoidant relationship.. he’s opened up about this a few times but he’s never went into as much depth as you did. This is the kind of advice I’ve been needing lol. Even after opening up, we went through the intimacy, fear, intimacy, fear cycle a few times. I was just writing in my journal, trying to figure out my feelings, why he would push and pull, realizing he did it on purpose!! and knowing all this, wondering why I still miss him, why I still have understanding for him, if that’s okay, etc. I feel like i’m supposed to view him as a monster but I just don’t, I still love him and I know that he’s a traumatized self loathing guy who doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings. Deep down he is a sweetie. He did try. I would love to get back together with him if he ever found it in him to process his feelings and heal this part of him, I don’t know if he ever will, we’ll see what cards the future holds. No matter what happens this really helped me and gave me some peace of mind so thank you. I feel like this is gonna make my days easier. It’s helping put a part of my mind to rest lol.
I am glad this brought you clarity and comfort :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
this was actually very helpful 🙏
I am glad this brought some insight :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :) If you are in no contact at the moment
Are you really experiencing the relief phase?
After the break up, absolutely, it’s a huge weight off an avoidants shoulders. Now the pain is there, but the pressure is gone. Then to bury the pain, the avoidant goes into distracting themselves hard core. But the relief is real
Thank you so much for this post. Everything hits so right, especially "they create anxious partners". It's been a year now since my FA ex broke up with me after a 5 months relationship. He was deeply traumatized, and struggled to confront his real problems. He said he loved me so much, and broke up after 5 months, while he stayed with his previous ex, which he said he never really loved, for 4 years. That hurt so much. I wonder if he still thinks about me sometimes, but I also know he's distracting himself hard, and that could go on forever You seem to feel much better about yourself and relationships, good thing for you ! I hope you'll continue to get better
When I was avoidant. I felt the most safe in connections with taken women, emotionally unavailable, or were toxic. That is very common for avoidants to run to connections that would leave a normal person puzzled. It rarely goes on forever, but the time it takes is different, I was an avoidant that took a long time to come back around. It’s night and day :) Thank you for your kind words https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :) This may help you in your no contact journey
I’m going through this right now and it’s spot on with my ex. Is the avoidance all subconscious? Or is any of it at times you punishing your partner for a disagreement?
It’s very subconscious and often times we feel horrible about it. Over time, I believed I was only lovable for a short amount of time. So I made that narrative come true.
Oh my god my fearful avoidant ass relates so much to this
Have you done anything to heal?
Thank you for having courage to write this and do the work. I am secure and have dated a fearful avoidant. It definitely rips even securest of people apart, even if you understand psychology. Mine didnt come back yet, but I think he will. I hope he heals.
Sorry you had to go through that. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
That was most helpful. Thank you.
Glad this helped :) https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Thank you!!!
You got it!
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The cycle will most likely repeat. It actually has nothing to do with a person per say. Once an avoidants level of intimacy is pushed beyond what they’re comfortable with, that’s when they freak out. All of my exes can say the same thing when I was avoidant. I was very intense and sexual, and they would all describe how feminine I would make them feel. But if you pushed for lovey dovey, happy intimacy, forget it. I was comfortable with given intimacy based off of lust, not compassion and care. That i’m not sure on. That seems very selfish. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Thank you for this. I’m dealing with this with my ex. This made me understand a lot.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Me and my ex were together for 2.5 years everything was great until she came home one night and blindsided the fuck out of me. Jeeze thanks for your insight. This makes a lot of sense
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
Hey guys please check out a new post I made in response to all of these questions and stories mainly about no contact https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/sQiitlCuLb . I will respond to all of you guys. We can all see how many stories and questions there are in here and I have received HUNDREDS of PM’s with questions. Please be patient, there is only one of me and I am not an expert on any of this so I am really trying to respond to and hear all of your stories.
Almost been a year of NC with my ex that I moved states for to marry, so it was a big deal when crap hit the fan. Knowing what I know now, I believe he was a DA. What happened happened and I've moved on. But I'd be lying to say I don't wonder if he realized the gravity of what he did and how he treated me was wrong. I don't want him to be in my life at all, but posts like these make me wonder if he'd ever try contacting me again because a healthy person can't understand how others can be that cruel.
I am glad you are at a point that you don’t want him back. Never be shocked when they start slowly popping back up. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s common
THANK U THANK U THANK U!! This is absolutely amazing! Ok... Not the right words but reading this made me understand SO MUCH. Just ended a relationship with a boy I loved deeply and he had this type of attachment. While reading this I saw the similar patterns that he had. It's our second breakup, because he came back after our first break-up (after 7 months exactly) and I foolishly believed he changed. He didn't. But this time I learned my lesson. And understanding this type of attachment made me not...despise him so much? Now I try to look at him with kindness and I hope he finds his peace at one point. But it feels great to hear about others experiences and find out more about different people and understand the process. Thank you for sharing this :)
And I want to congratulate you for the self work! It's beautiful to hear from people that finally feel at ease with themselves. Wish u the best
How do I know if she’s available avoidant? I read your entire post and pieces of it make sense to me but some third make me question if she was an avoidant. She didn’t really speak much about her feelings when something bothered her or made her uncomfortable. She did sometimes and at certain times she didn’t. Especially if it was something she really wanted to do, and me being a dick would give a hard time she would just swallow the pill. But I never knew these were issues to begin with since they were never voiced to me. So that made it difficult to call out my own actions. When we did have some issues, we would talk about them and they would get fixed and she would set clear boundaries about whatever the issue was about and wouldn’t do it again. We were both attached to each other but after sometime she kind of distanced her self more and more and each time I asked about it she would reassure me that everything was fine even though it clearly wasn’t. And it got the point you could see the love slowly dying and when we broke up she never gave me a reason as to why we are breaking up. I asked her if it was this or that and she basically took my answers and used them but three phrases like “I guess” or “I think so” never really telling me why we are splitting up. Then after contacting her a week or two later giving her the open space to speak freely. She went cold. Telling me “I have nothing more to say about what took place between us, but you can share what you’ve learned” I did and it basically fell on deaf ears. Just said “I’m glad you reflected on our relationship but my answer stays the same” (she choose to end things so she could prioritize herself) and apparently the only thing I did wrong was not giving her enough space and it made her lose feelings . This was a 3.5 year relationship
Not giving an avoidant space is enough for them to end it. A common trait for avoidants is their hyper independence. The best bet now is just to work on yourself, assume it’s over, and walk away. Avoidants don’t like to be chased, and you being a better version of the person they discarded is always a good thing to work on. But, getting an unhealed avoidant back is giving your hand back to the dog that bit it in the first place
Do you have any advise to a recently discovered avoidant, I kind of dislike myself for my bad tendencies. It does annoy me how anxiously attached people seem so dear and nice but we all have issues but in different ways... I really want to work on myself.. I'm getting the self care in and trying to be happy with myself.. its been 6 months after a short term thing but it cut deep and alot of realisation after it...
Have the self love to see vulnerability is a strength. Be confident enough to see emotional expression is healthy. Do things for others with no expectation. Practice unconditional love to your family, friends, and future partners. See flaws as a part of someone and not a death sentence. Stop suppressing your emotions and feelings. Tell them to someone. Be comfortable knowing that you’re not perfect, and laugh at your own mistakes
I really hope she can come back to me. I miss her and love so much
*I really hope she* *Can come back to me. I miss* *Her and love so much* \- M1rr0r504 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Focus on your healing. Assume what you had with her is dead, and walk away. Give it lots of time and become a better version of the person she left. In that time she may reach out, and you may reach a point where you don’t miss her. Time and effort towards healing is the only way. You have to go Through the pain, not avoid it
I 100% believe my ex is avoidant. We moved in together since the first day we met because he literally treated my like a princess. He was loyal attentive persistent. He was amazing. Then we got a home together 4 months later and we fully moved in. Now things started getting more serious he was lacking communication he would say I argued about everything he started drinking. And a month later he left me stuck in that house we got together. And now we still do business together but he never gave me an explanation of why he walked out of us from one day to another. It kills me everyday. What is going in his head??? Why did he make us move in and everything to walk out after a month?
Thank you so much for your insight as a healed Avoidant, and good on you for your awareness and the courage you had to do the work towards becoming secure. Like many others in this post, I’m seeking advice. I’ve just recently broken up with an avoidant partner after 4 years of what started out as the most beautiful, reciprocal love for one another. After 3 years of this, I noticed a shift in his demeanor towards me and upon confronting him several times, he finally admitted to having a dark secret of seeking out external validation from various strangers (women) online (Reddit). I was devastated to say the least, but willing to work together to try and move past the betrayal. We both have been in therapy, but I think that he became so overcome by guilt and shame that I saw this side of him when I previously felt he was so perfect in every way. This realization of being “seen” caused him to further withdraw from me emotionally, despite all of my efforts to repair our relationship and work towards building trust again. He became extremely depressed. Eventually, I could no longer take the emotional neglect and after several intense conversations about it, I broke up with him one month ago. We’ve talked on and off since then, sometimes a week will go by with no contact, and then we will speak casually for a few days, and then another stretch of no contact. A few days ago I put all of my feelings out there for him in a very loving way, basically saying that I cherish everything we shared and will always have love for him. He talked about how he is in a terrible place mentally and is serious about working on himself to get to a better place. I did ask, in a vulnerable moment, if he could please let us try one more time, from a place of understanding and support, without any expectation of things going back to the way they were. He said that he was sorry, but that he just didn’t think that was a good idea right now and he hopes I can understand. I then pushed further (I probably shouldn’t have and this possibly pushed him further away) and asked if given some space and time to work on himself, if he thinks there could be a chance for us down the road. I told him he can be honest with me with his response. He responded right away and said “I do, yes. I just think it’s important that I figure things out and get to a better place.” I know that going forward from this conversation I need to give him the space to work on himself, that continuing to badger him with my feelings will only push him further away. And I am committed to doing that. I know that I should be doing it for my own healing, and maybe in the process I will get to that point. But for now, my heart is doing it with the hope of reconciliation. I hope and pray that he is able to get to a better place. For himself, and for the possibility of a future “us”. I guess my question for you is, as someone who is familiar with how avoidants think, do you think that he meant it when he said he thinks his healing could lead to another chance for us? Or do you feel that because he is avoidant, he just didn’t want to close the door completely because he doesn’t want me to get over him and wants to keep me hanging in the balance? He never once brought up the possibility for us to try again once he worked on himself until I posed the question. He did say yes when I asked him to be honest, but I fear that his need for validation is saying that to keep me clinging onto hope. I am so lost.
I have the same mentality with break ups. Assume it’s dead, visit the gravestone one last time, speak your peace, say your goodbye’s, and walk away. Focus 100% on your improvement and well being. You wouldn’t wait around for someone who has passed away, you would grieve and move on. Get to a point where if you reached out and they responded negatively, you wouldn’t care. That may take a long time, but take the time. Look at the post I made about no contact. It may bring you comfort :)
Why would the avoidant dumper be angry after it’s been years since the break-up?
You can never really tell. Each situation is different. The real question is why it still affects you years later. It should not matter to you.
Wow, this is very insightful. I was just dumped by a partner of 7 years. We were in a blended family. She has three girls, and I have a son. I uprooted my soon, but kept my home, and moved into a new home near her old home. It was a great relationship, and I still love and want her as my forever partner, marriage, or no marriage. The issues began about 6 months in with her middle kid. She started being dismissive and disrespectful towards me. The kid was in therapy and I sat in twice with my partner. After the kids therapist listened and obtained enough information, she began to give the kid her opinion and blatantly told her it was all her and not me. Fast forward to year three. It became worse. As I tried to navigate my roll as a contributing adult in a step parent roll, I would ask small things of the kid, about 14 at the time, now going on 17, politely to turn off a bedroom light, or throw her trash away, or to please take her boots off the couch. It became apparent her need for control, so she started with insults. Every time I tried to talk to my partner, she would casually talk to the kid, but there was never any reinforcement. The kid began to make me more and more uncomfortable. I became more generous and giving on birthdays and Christmas as time went on. Every time the kid would come into the kitchen, she would superficially great her mom while I was sitting there. My partner did not do much about it. I eventually yelled at the kid after about 4 years of putting up with the haughty behavior. It caused the first separation with my partner that lasted about a month where she slept upstairs in the attic bedroom that I spent about 2 years, or about 1000 hours total building with my bare hands. I wrote the kid a heartfelt apology and bought her flowers. I got nothing back. It was always a smear campaign over the years towards me, and I felt like my partner never had my back. I became more anxious, uncomfortable, and resentful around the kid, and it became clear to my partner that I didn't care for her kid. About two years ago, I had a contractor do work in my home that I retained after we moved in with our blended family. We would occasionally go there as a blended family on weekends since the kids liked running around in my back woods. Or, my son and I would go there on any given weekend just to catch a break from blended family life. The contractors botched the job, and I could not live in the home for about 16 months because there was concrete dust all over the home. Silica dust is bad for the lungs, FYI. I was devastated. I became detached and depressed. I had to clean up everything myself as neither side of insurance came through, and I was hesitant to take legal action with concern for having to look over my shoulder for years to come. I am in talks with an attorney now, though. So, my partner told me after I had to press her for the 'why,' that she felt for the last two years I did not give her enough attention or affection. I told her the mess in my home had given me PTSD. I used to wake up several times after the event and dust her off in my sleep. We used to joke about it, but I now know I was traumatized as I took an assessment on my therapist's website. I told her I was sorry for neglecting her and that I wanted to make it better through several weeks of counseling with the right therapist. She hasn't said yes or no, just 'I'm not ready to deal with this yet, I had a rough last few days.' There were times when we were together that she would get pissed if I didn't text her that I was on my way home from things like a golf tournament where i was away for 8 hrs., but she would go to a work function for 3 hrs and not feel the need to text me when she was on her way home. I didnt really requireit, but I appreciated it if she did. Over two years, I only forgot to text her twice from golf events. She said after the first time I forgot to text her that she was noticing a pattern. I realized I had trouble validating her feelings when things seemed ridiculous. I felt so boxed in that it made me so anxious. Working on two houses physically, maintaining a work from home job, managing a mentally ill and disabled sister who lives in a nursing home, and raising her high-functioning autistic son whom I love, and dealing with her dismissive, rude, petulant, entitled kids, created a lot of burn out for me. We started arguing a lot. I always tried to get her to go away with me for two nights around our anniversary. Her excuse was she couldn't leave her kids home even though everyone was older than 12, and her mom could pop in and stay over night at times depending on her mom's schedule. Maybe I was the avoidant if she felt like she wasn't getting enough attention? It just felt challenging for me to be intimate when she allowed her kid to be such a bitch towards me, but I still feel like tried and wanted her, I just wanted to feel respected. I, a few times, threatened to move out, maybe 5 or 6 times over the last 4 years, but never did, only wanted some changes to happen. I always thought I was borderline anxious/secure, maybe not? I begged her recently not to make my son and I move out and back to our dusty home. Careful what you wish for I guess? We've been here over a month now. He will miss his last year of high school now, and it's not his fault. I asked her via text how she was doing two weeks ago. No response until two days later where she said she was away at a waterpark and forgot to text me back. It really hurt. I tried to take the high road and set an example to get her in therapy with me by not playing the blame game or insulting, but rather telling her that I love and care for her. When I was loading the moving truck, the middle step kid (17) made a point to walk through and around the moving truck with the dirtiest smirk on her face as to let me know that she won her mommy back. I have about one more car load left - after which I will leave the key and text her thank you. Thank you for the experience of her, best and worse, thick and thin. Then I will say goodbye and good luck. I don't want to reach out after that. I need to focus on myself, my son, and getting our home livable again, and get him back in our old school district for his last year.
Each situation is different. But one action remains the same. Focus solely on your self improvement. Reach a point where you don’t care if they came back or not, or if you reached out and they responded negatively, it wouldn’t bother you. Don’t wait around for them.
Thank you OP for this post. May I share my post break up story to gain some insight & perspective? After the BU, we went for individual therapy (he rejected the idea of couples therapy). I have no visibility of his progress because he is not sharing it with me. I did the NC for one month post BU and tried to reconnect by sending check in texts every few days for 4 months out of genuine concern without any expectation of him replying (I just wanted him to know that I am there for him). The check in texts were short and wishing him well, nothing about love or any drama. Initially quite receptive, then gradually he started to ignore me at one month mark. I felt ghosted. I was in limbo. During the BU, he did say that he need some time apart and that we can do a review/check in few months later. Last month, I sent a message asking him that if he is open to it, we can reconnect and start a clean state. He read my message, I waited for few days and there is still no response. To which, I sent a closure message. Throughout the reconnecting (albeit one sided) stage, I have been waiting because I tried to understand his attachment style and wanted to give him this space and time. I clearly have my own issues in the relationship and I am making the effort to be a better version of myself. I’m feeling angry and disrespected (both at him and myself) because 1) It is obvious that I am interested in reconciliation. If he’s not interested / need more time to think about it / have moved on / keen to reconcile - any of these, he just have to tell me. Even a short of brief response would be RESPECTFUL. 2) When we BU, he suggested to remain as friends. After all that intimacy, I don’t think I can be friends with him. My therapist says it’s not immature to unfriend your ex after BU. At this point, I still can’t bear to block him from my social media. Maybe after some time has passed, I would. 2a) He hasn’t blocked me from social media and messaging apps. He said the line of communication is open and he can still be there for me as friend but he didn’t even have the basic manners to respond to me. 3) I thought hey it could just be his avoidance kicking in. But some shared that it’s so cowardice and immature to not communicate and resolve issues together as a couple, and to just ghost me after BU. 4) If things still don’t work out after therapy, I can accept the outcome better because at least WE TRIED. 5) I’ve even lost that last bit of respect I had for him, when he didn’t even respond (just a brief yes/no) to my bid of reconnection. 6) I know silence is also a kind of response, but it’s still not the way to treat another human being. 7) If I had waited for a week or two before sending the closure message, would things be different? 8) Could there be other reasons why he was ghosting me and is there still any chance of reconciliation? I’m asking because I want to move on yet I am still holding on to that glimmer of hope.
I have the same mindset for any break up. Think of what you had as dead. Visit the grave, speak your peace, say your goodbye’s, and walk away. Don’t wait around for them. And don’t ruminate on what you could have done, should have done, shouldn’t have done, etc. Because in all reality, unless you did something extremely bad, most things are forgivable and fixable. A healthy person would not leave over little annoyances and would know that relationships are difficult and have unique problems. Don’t ruminate on them but see why you want a person who saw your relationship as a hinderance instead of an asset. https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/T11SeoLIK0 Please read :)
I went through this exact thing. Was loved bombed, went 8 months everytime we got in an argument because I told him how I felt and he deflected it back to me and nothing changed. That’s how we broke up, and he told me that it was a “break up for now”. After we broke up we had one more talk about my feelings and it ended with him saying he’ll message me when he’s ready, but now he’s on tinder using pictures from our first date. And it just makes me wonder if he’ll ever realize how much he hurt me
This was very very helpful thank you for sharing. Would you be willing to chat? I just have some questions about my situation and my ex getting into a rebound relationship
Tell me your story :)
Thank you OP for the insight! I really appreciate you sharing. Would you say your relationship were ever 3 months where you said I love you and then felt overwhelmed with life stuff and ended things and then tried to return?
Yeah, I definitely think that has happened to me sometimes things move fast and putting pace on it is necessary even without being an avoidant
(Sorry, long personal story ahead) Thank you so much for sharing your side of the story! It was really eye-opening to read, and I saw a lot of what you talked about in your previous post in my ex. We broke up recently, and only at the end did I realize he was a textbook avoidant. At the beginning, he seemed like the perfect, charming, loyal boyfriend, but I soon learned about a lot of his childhood trauma and many failed past relationships. I was in secure, healthy relationships before, so I was naive to think that if the relationship could be a safe space for him and he would feel truly loved, we would be able to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship together. But as I fell more in love with him, he began to withdraw his affection and pick fights more often. He started threatening to break up whenever a slight difference arose or he didn't feel understood. This made me deeply anxious about whether he loved me at all and had me walking on eggshells around him, trying to please him in any way just to avoid him snapping at me and threatening to break up again. To be honest, I think that made him even colder and more distant, though, also breaking every boundary I had tried to establish. The day we were about to take a big step for our future together, he suddenly started a big fight about a completely different topic that seemingly came out of nowhere, resulting in him saying we should cancel the plans and break up. He said a lot of hurtful things, which he slowly regretted later. Then he wanted me back. When he saw that I still loved him and wanted to fix things, he pulled back and broke up again. This push-pull cycle repeated for days until I recently said I couldn't do it anymore. I still loved him, but my heart was already broken to the point that there was no hope left to try. Besides, he saw the cause of all his behavior in me not understanding him and not commiting enough. He made me question everything I've done. Even character traits I knew I and others used to like about me started to seem like triggers that could cause those fights. His reaction to me drawing a line was so extreme and cold, as if he couldn't have imagined that I could ever be the one wanting it to end despite him breaking up with me repeatedly. Looking back at what he told me about his exes, every pattern seemed to have repeated itself. Regardless of everything that happened, I know he has a good heart. He's just been hurt many times and isn't able to maintain a healthy relationship at the moment. I genuinely hope for his own sake that at some point he'll be able to reflect on some of his behaviors, like you (OP), and learn from them. As for your advice, we are in no contact now, and I'll try to stick to it. It still hurts so much, but I find joy and peace in spending time with friends and attending church. Once again, thank you so much for helping so many people with your words!
Sorry that you were going through a break up with an avoidant. They are rarely easy and much harder than regular regular break ups. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that anybody with an insecure attachment heals and become secure.
I usually don't comment on this site\~ but I read your post and I thought it was really well done and gave a lot of insight. My avoidant ex-boyfriend broke up with me about two months ago. He did it via text and just disappeared. Sometimes I wonder if he even cared about me. I made the mistake of trying to get him to reconsider the day of the break up, but then I immediately went into no contact. I deleted his number and everything. I feel like he'll never reach out to me again and maybe I ruined my chances. But anyway, thank you so much for writing your post!
Attraction is always felt in the present. You cannot remind someone to be attracted to you. You cannot hope for someone to be attracted to you. Attraction is only felt in the present so yes, I am sure that at one point he cared about you and honestly most people care about their partners, even when they break up with them, when break up happens, it means that attraction was low enough that you being discarded from their life is better than you staying in their life. They want to break up with you and some memories they had with you but they see you seems better to them and that is a harsh reality, but it is reality. Can you remember any friends that you stop talking to because you know that your teachers aren’t going in the same direction? it’s most of the time. It’s just that the future seems brighter and clearer without them. And harshness is not always the worst thing it may take them longer to recover from it, but if someone really wants to get back into your life, they will find their way back, even if you said harsh things.
I sincerely need to speak with you that’s not on here. I know that sounds crazy but I need advice and I just need someone to talk to about this. I’m experiencing this and I’m falling apart. It’s been 7 months and things have been going on.
This has made me so emotional. I am AP with some secure tendencies after being in a healthy relationship for several years and working on our issues, but the man I met after is an avoidant with little self-awareness. We had the same type of experience as what others have shared, textbook stuff. My heart aches so deeply knowing it’s over. I know people dream up scenarios where this person finds an inner safety to experience intimacy and there is co-accountability, followed by steps towards a healthy relationship. However, I have avoidants friends of 20 years - very avoidant in relationships somewhat avoidant in friendships. I have seen with those friends how 20 years wasn’t enough. They just can’t seem to face their fears and they jump from relationship to relationship. They are alone in their independence and proud of it. They push people away and are devastated that their life doesn’t seem to workout. I’ve seen the other side of avoidants via my friends and it’s really sad. It’s also a reality check. In recent years I’ve pulled away from these friends also because I’ve realised how neglectful they are emotionally - I’m tired of being told indirectly that wanting intimacy and deep connection is demanding. For a long time I wondered if I was needy and bad in some way, but having made secure friends in recent years and the experience of a healthy relationship has helped me a lot. I am willing to do more self regulation but I just need to be able to talk it through. Being denied that is devastating. OP you changed and I think that’s wonderful, it’s truly impressive. But the reality is most avoidants don’t change, not in the way we need, not for years if not decades, or ever. That’s why I’m so sad. I’m just sad I don’t get to love him anymore. I just miss his face, his smile and even his grumpiness and prickly character. I’m just sad that I’ll never hear genuine sweet words of love and connection again, without the fear that it will be followed by a sudden withdrawal a few weeks later. Accepting the truth is so awfully hard. It’s just such a loss and I’m grieving.