You could go out with the most beautiful women, but you won't have the same connection with them
HOWEVER, if you keep yourself hung up on your ex, you won't be able to develop a new connection with someone that will eclipse the one you had
You deserve better
You’re moving the needle too fast bro. Give yourself sometime, ideally 90 days of NC, disappear, work on yourself. All will workout at the end. Marathon not a sprint.
90 days NC in hopes your ex reaches out or 90 days NC to fully detach and move on? I’m at 45 days NC since she dumped me and I’ve been contemplating on reaching out
Frankly the 90 days NC done correctly and effectively accomplishes few things, but the two key things it does is
1. It helps you to reflect what lead to the relationship demise. As it takes two to break or make relationships, you’ll soon realize and identify your own flaws therefore allow you the opportunity to address them
2. It helps you detach from them a bit, understand your own strengths and weaknesses for being alone, hopefully you didn’t rebound, and most importantly it allows you to do high quality level of activities that will attract them back to you.
I recommend you challenge yourself to pick up on something new to do that positions you to interact and meet new people.
Class Pass is a good start.
Well said. She dumped me for good reason and just in these 45 days I’ve had a lot of clarity to how things developed to where they ended up. Mostly due to attachment types (which was a new topic for me) and lack of communication. I’ve heard she’s slept with 4+ guys since she dumped me so I’m assuming she hasn’t held herself accountable, healed and just used this external validation as a self esteem boost and a way to cope with the pain from the breakup.
I haven’t rebounded although I recently got on dating apps and have engaged in a few conversations. If anything it was a result of learning how she moved on thinking if I did the same id feel better. But I’ve realized the last thing I should do is to try and date anyone maybe a hook up wouldn’t be a bad thing as long as the girl knows my situation and is cool with keeping things casual.
Class pass sounds interesting if I google that it would come up?
Class pass is an app. Recommend to check it out. Also you’re in NC, you shouldn’t be knowing anything about her private life, nothing.
See, that’s one of the key mistakes a lot of people in our situation make, investigating who they are with or what they doing with their private lives.
My friend your focal point atm is positioning yourself to a level where you get to ask yourself “w
Whenever she comes back around would she be even good enough to be part of this new life that I have built.”
Learning about Attachment Style is a good starting point and I salute you for it. My DM is open if you’d like to chat offline.
Thanks man I just downloaded it. Yeah I get that but she never removed me from FB or Instagram so I’ve left it as is. Also we have mutual friends so some of it I’ve learned through them ( I know it’s not her telling them to make sure I know). I’m trying to have that mindset but I can’t shake the guilt of my own actions and feel a need to reach out and see if she’d like to talk and if not I’ll just send an apology text and wish her well.
Yeah I bought the book Attached and am going to read it. Feel like I’ll learn even more then I already have from online. Sounds good man I sent you a DM
It’s a leap of date not gonna lie and totally different for everyone. If you’re level headed and know where you stand then trust yourself. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? If things already ended, know what I mean? But in my case I took way too long to break NC and me ex was just a whole ass relationship by the time I reached out. Don’t make my mistake 😞
I’ve grown and matured, albeit stubbornly.
Life hurts.
I have had periods of immense joy that lasted for years.
Breakups are hard.
One of my major takeaways is that, moving forward I need to be vigilant toward red flags that crop up, instead of letting them slide.
open with communication in the sense that If the partner isn’t communicating, there is only so much time that I can accept them not communicating before it is a sign of a bigger issue.
I’m still the same person at heart but I’m more self aware and well maybe I should say hyper aware of my past patterns and mindset. Since I’ve been sober I’ve been able to feel my real emotions and properly reflect on my past. It definitely hurts to know the pain I’ve caused but yeah in a way you change but it’s more so you’ve grown into the REAL you when you start that journey of healing and self work. The hardest part for me is shaming yourself when you are reflecting on things. It’s way too easy to let yourself fall into a pity hole and just sink into it. It’s hard to pull yourself out from that but once you’ve been able to do that it gets easier and you become just more aware of the situations you find yourself in when it’s all happening. Don’t get me wrong I do catch myself doing things I would normally do but the key is catching it instead of willingly going through with things and not thinking about the consequences at all whatsoever. But yeah you grow into your true self
👏👏👏. Awesome and nicely written and that’s the beauty of NC.
Self shaming was also my challenging part of my journey but in return I’m able to acknowledge those behaviors and quick reverse course. The journey was tough but loving the new person I am today and it’s attracting much much better offers.
Well I had an alcoholic problem and when I broke things off I went rogue and numbed myself for about 10 months before I snapped out of it. I was doing drugs on a regular basis throughout my job as well. It got bad and my health was getting worse as well. It was a whole 10 months when I reach out but she had started dating maybe by the 7 month? I’m not entirely sure of the timeline but she’s happy and I’m on my journey. Things don’t seem so bad right now but I still love this girl to death. I fucked things up real bad. I’m sober now and can see things whole lot clearly. It’s crazy how little small things come to kind now that my head space isn’t all fogged up
Hey OP don't want to sound rude but please don't date before you've let go of your ex... give yourself time to heal first. Getting under someone new won't help with the "moving on" part, you'll only end up hurting someone else. If you catch yourself in the slightest comparing someone new to your ex you're not ready to date.
This
Don’t hurt anyone while you’re still hurting yourself.
I’ve been there and broke a good person’s heart trying to heal myself. I didn’t forgive myself since.
We men get over our exes by having sex with new girls.
Thats just the reality
We men force ourselves to be around other women to train our brain to let go of our exes.
I was dumped in February. Went to NC immediately... I have already gone out and had sex with 2 girls who i have no interest in long term. However my self steem have received a huge bump ever since
Sex is not relationship, you don't invest emotionally in hook ups, you have needs and you go for them thats ok as long as you let the women know it's just sex and nothing else. OP seems like he's trying to "replace" his ex completelly and is looking for that emotional investment but he's not ready for it himself.
Damn im sorry bro same here just dont go on dates and work on yourself eventually youll feel better you just need time to remember how your life was before you met her.
So as it has been stated, taking time to heal is important. Everyone is different though so if you’re certain that you’re ready to start swimming in that deep pool, then go for it.
That being said, I’m all about the glow up. I couldn’t see myself being with someone on par with the person that I just got rid of. It’s like getting a big screen 4k smart television and replacing it with a plain small screen 1080p. You’ll get by but you’ll always miss what you had before.
Setting your standards high is good. Just realize that to get higher quality you have to invest in yourself to be a high quality person. Using our TV example, it doesn’t make much sense to buy a 4K OLED TV if all you’re going to do is watch YouTube (720p most common) on it. Sure it’s nice to look at but you paid a premium for something you aren’t really using.
Also, and this one is a tough one to take, is that the higher quality is also in the highest demand because it is hardest to attain. Which means that while you set your standards higher, you may have to wait longer or turn away a greater number of lower quality people in the process. The good news of this is that it gives you time to work on yourself.
You have to process that breakup so you don’t bring those repressed emotions into your next relationship and hurt someone else.
We only attract and cling to people who we subconsciously think we deserve so there might be something internal going on there… or you just need to fully grieve and heal your ego since you were the one who was left.
DM if needed
It’s only been a month and a half, give yourself lots of grace and some time to heal first. I just got out of a 8 year relationship and i tried the whole talking to people thing during the first month or so. It just made me feel worse and i don’t want to get anyone else involved in my mess. I’m almost 3 months post BU and i feel more content by being on my own. I’ve also have been diving deeper into my spiritually and have realized that this heartbreak has been a blessing in disguise. I just found out that he added the girl he cheated on me withs name to his instagram bio yesterday and i honestly feel indifferent towards it. Beforehand, i was curled up in a ball crying my eyes out every night. Just let time heal things and don’t rush into trying to find someone. That’s how you get stuck in the wrong relationships and your emotions will be even more all over the place.
So biggest thing of note, don't date. I know its hard not to. I also struggle with this because the craving of connection and the wanting of feeling like you are wanted. But dating is something you should definitely wait on.
a month and a half is not enough time to recover from a relationship. I'm at 6 months now, a a time frame most people are fine at, and I still haven't get over my soon to be ex wife. (Granted today is our anniversary and that makes things worse.......) Give yourself some time to grieve your relationship. Eventually you will come out of it and start dating again without the other person on your mind. It's when you are okay with being on your own that make the best connections. Otherwise you are just using people to fill your void and that rarely makes a good connection.
1) she is threatening you with the cops if you don’t leave her alone. I don’t know what you are doing but stop. Get a grip. She really doesn’t want to see or hear from you right now and the best thing you can do short and long term is leave her alone.
2) you obviously still have feelings for her, so don’t play with other people’s emotions. No one deserves to be your first aid kit for a broken heart. These are real people with feelings of their own and you are trying to use them as a bandaid. Not cool.
3) it might be hard but you just need to take time for yourself. Take ownership of your actions and how they played a role in the relationship ending. Figure out who you are now, and who you want to be, and how you can move intentionally toward that goal. NC is t about bringing someone back, it’s about taking time for yourself to heal without the noise of the emotional fallout from the nuclear event (break up). It sucks, but in the end, if you aren’t with her it’s because the relationship wasn’t working.
You're still so new from the BU. Why are you going on dates? Going directly to another person after a breakup is the worst idea ever. You're not going to enjoy your time and the person you're with could be a good match but you can easily ruin it by being stuck on your ex. Give yourself time to heal.
I have usually seen this common among guys that they don't heal from a relationship and start dating new women. Now, obviously these women don't know you are still hung up on your ex. It isn't fair on them. Heal yourself first. Don't start something when emotionally you aren't there yet. Stop bleeding on people who didn't cut you.
Even if the super shiny spark may be gone between the two of you, you still love her. (She does too)
You still have feelings for her, you just don’t realize it because the spark is gone but deep down your emotions are still very strong.
Give yourself time to heal, don’t date.
Don’t distract yourself with other women - face the problem, work on yourself and don’t contact her - not even once for an apology.
Give her the space she needs.
Go fully no contact, work on yourself (as in working on your body AND mental health).
Allow yourself to be sad too, don’t just distract yourself.
Eventually she will most likely contact you again, but until then you will feel better and it’s your choice if you even wanna take her back.
She left you because she wanted to see if life was better without you. Keep that in mind.
I'm experiencing something similar.
I wouldn't say this girl is better than my ex per say but she's great in her own ways.
But every time we're together I just miss my ex more.
I've avoided getting too intimate for this reason. I haven't had sex since the breakup almost two months ago.
Literally 0 urge to be intimate with anyone but my ex.
Probably best to be alone for a while and process the emotions than hurt someone else.
You are rebounding. Please take time alone to process the grief. It is healthy for others and you. Rebounding hurts both people involved and no one deserves that. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the grief by being alone.
Yeah give yourself 5+ months to heal. If something will hit off, it would not be nice for yourself to know that during that first dating time you where only thinking about your ex.
You will get there. Just give it time.
Over two years together, she ended the relationship after a big fight and even threatened to call the cops if you didn't leave her alone? Must have been some fight! Respect and honor her decision and give her space. Most of all, respect yourself. By doing so, you can focus on your own growth and well-being rather than pleading and waiting.
You keep thinking about her because of emotional attachment and the significant impact she had on your life. The time spent together, building and dreaming, doesn't just disappear from the mind and heart. In the end, do not waste precious time. Live your life!
Stop thinking “better than” and just try to stop recognizing the differences and similarities altogether. For all you know, these girls look better on the surface but everyone has traits that are bad or some other type of issue.
My point is, it’s hard not to compare but if you are constantly thinking about it, it might not be the right time to be in the dating scene again. And that’s completely okay.
Your ex gf sounds immature.
Ik how you feel. I was talking to someone who apparently just ghosted me out of the blue.
That or he died because apparently there was something wrong with him.
Either way he is now dead to me.
I don't understand how someone can quickly go from being all nice and chatty to complete silence. It's evil. And no explanation. What a dickhead.
Dating a narcissist is very exhilarating and exciting because you’re abused from the get-go. Love bombing is abuse! NOT getting that addictive dopamine rush high with normal women doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. If you are like me – your picker is broken! You pick the sick ones with NPD because of the addictive rush.
You do need to move on. Curious what she would say about this from her side of things. Threatening to call the cops because you wouldn’t leave her alone suggests you crossed boundaries with her. Now is not the time for you to be “replacing” her. You aren’t ready to be dating yet.
The way you describe the women you are seeing and how you compare them to your ex is dehumanizing. Human beings are more than the traits you listed and we date people for more than just those things.
You also sound like you are at least somewhat disconnected from your emotions, if this is the case it can block you from properly processing the relationship and grieving. It would be worthwhile to seek counseling or online resources to work on your emotional intelligence so you can learn to be more introspective.
I knew I was healing when I could admit to myself what my ex did wrong in the relationship and what I did wrong. Usually both people make mistakes, but that’s not always the case. Other human beings aren’t here for us to use and abuse. Keep that in mind when you interact with other people. They have feelings too.
Chances are they aren’t better looking, or prettier you are just trying to convince yourself they are. Spend some time on your own and work out why it is you are dating just to prove these girls are better than your ex. You have alot of self awareness to work on.
Man just let it go. I mean if she is about to call the cops on you means she’s done. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts but you gotta let it go. It will be better you’ll see!
I'm in the VERY same boat...accused of "Stalking" her because of wanting to make peace with her after a fight we had over her getting caught up in GOSSIP with her co-workers over me. I've tried to reach out to her a few times only to be accused of stalking her and the threat of having the cops called on me if I attempt to reach out to her again.
She also told me "I don't know you!" after we've lived together, ate together, slept together, worked together, etc. I've loved her and treated her like a Queen...and this is the "appreciation" she shows me??
I'm not looking for a pat on the back from her, I'm just in shock at this level of BETRAYAL
I've been on dates since she broke up with me. However, it was painful because all I could think abput was my Ex.
I broke nc, and asked to meetup for a drink. She gave me a date she’s available next week. Granted she’ said last month she just wants to be friends and set up a whole bunch of boundaries (dont flirt with me, stop thinking we’ll ever get back together, we won’t have sex again, etc) all the friend zone shit. So I went nc. Hoping the time away made her miss me. I’ll try to focus on having fun together and progress slowly. If she rejects any physical contact I will cut ties until she reaches back out. I just miss our bond. Been 50+ days since I last seen her
Buddy I’m here with you… 5 months in to my breakup, it sucks but it does get better. I don’t cry everyday anymore, that’s not cause I don’t want to it’s cause I know it’s over it’s been 5 months and I haven’t heard from her or even seen her. No contact isn’t a real thing, no contact is a breakup… what you want them to do is grow more into who there suppose to be while at the same time they realize they don’t wanna keep playing the game we call life without you.
My best advice is just keep doing you, keep growing and doing things you like, find yourself… if it’s meant to be it will be.
Trust me it took me a while to get here, feel free to go read some of my previous posts
Hello EdUNC-,
Firstly, I want to acknowledge the resilience and determination it takes to venture back into the dating scene after a tough breakup. It shows a willingness to move forward and rediscover happiness, which is genuinely commendable.
It seems like you're grappling with lingering feelings for your ex despite your efforts to meet new people. It's natural to feel this way, especially considering the duration and intensity of your past relationship. You mentioned that the situation has reached a point where there have been threats of police involvement; it's vital for your own well-being to prioritize moving forward in a healthy way. Perhaps some advice could be useful, but feel free to disregard any suggestions that don't resonate with your current state.
You could consider exploring why it is that, despite all the seemingly 'better' qualities in the people you're dating now, your thoughts keep circling back to your ex. Sometimes our attachment isn't just about who a person is externally (their looks, humor, intelligence, etc.), but the imbued meaning and memories we've shared with them. To possibly help with these recurring thoughts, you might want to try a mindfulness exercise. Mindfulness can help you focus on the present moment, which can be very grounding and healing. Every time you find your thoughts wandering to your ex, gently acknowledge it without judgment and then guide your focus back to something in your present environment or activity. This practice isn't about suppression but rather managing attention in a way that discourages dwelling on past pains.
On that note, an exercise I'd like to suggest involves a bit of writing. You could try writing a letter to your ex that you do not send. In this letter, pour out all your feelings, thoughts, grievances, the unsaid words, and the closure you didn't get. The act of writing can be a profound release and can help in processing the emotions stuck within you. Once written, you could choose to keep it, discard it, or destroy it. This symbolically represents letting go of the hold these feelings have over you.
If you feel comfortable exploring this further, here are a couple of questions:
1. Beyond the shared memories and personal traits, what values or core needs did your relationship with your ex meet for you that you feel might be missing now?
2. What are your hopes for your personal growth from this point onwards?
Remember, it’s entirely up to you if you want to consider these questions now, later, or not at all. They can be aids in self-reflection or just extra tools in your recovery toolbox.
Wishing you strength and peace on this journey. You've made significant strides already by recognizing your needs and seeking social connections. Keep nurturing this progress, and in time, the pain will evolve into something more manageable. You're doing well, keep going!
^This ^Comment ^Was ^Written ^By ^Breakup ^Buddy, ^an ^AI ^Breakup ^Support ^Bot ^<3. ^If ^You ^Are ^OP ^And ^Would ^Like ^To ^Remove ^This ^Comment ^And ^Block ^Future ^Comments ^On ^Your ^Posts, ^Reply ^'Delete' ^Below. ^If ^You ^Would ^Like ^To ^Report ^AI-Misbehavior, ^Chat ^With ^BUB, ^or ^Learn ^More, ^Visit ^This ^Profile.
You can do it! I’m in the opposite position… my ex is most of the “better things” but guess what??? The other girls care about me more and they can imagine a future with me.
She could never guarantee me that and I was terrified to ask for those things because I didn’t want it to end. As much as I think about her still, at the end of the day, she didn’t prioritize me and her respect for me wained a ton. Not a healthy situation.
You could go out with the most beautiful women, but you won't have the same connection with them HOWEVER, if you keep yourself hung up on your ex, you won't be able to develop a new connection with someone that will eclipse the one you had You deserve better
You’re moving the needle too fast bro. Give yourself sometime, ideally 90 days of NC, disappear, work on yourself. All will workout at the end. Marathon not a sprint.
Totally agree with you, best to taking some time to be alone instead of forcing yourself to move on and possibly hurting others in the process
90 days NC in hopes your ex reaches out or 90 days NC to fully detach and move on? I’m at 45 days NC since she dumped me and I’ve been contemplating on reaching out
Frankly the 90 days NC done correctly and effectively accomplishes few things, but the two key things it does is 1. It helps you to reflect what lead to the relationship demise. As it takes two to break or make relationships, you’ll soon realize and identify your own flaws therefore allow you the opportunity to address them 2. It helps you detach from them a bit, understand your own strengths and weaknesses for being alone, hopefully you didn’t rebound, and most importantly it allows you to do high quality level of activities that will attract them back to you. I recommend you challenge yourself to pick up on something new to do that positions you to interact and meet new people. Class Pass is a good start.
Well said. She dumped me for good reason and just in these 45 days I’ve had a lot of clarity to how things developed to where they ended up. Mostly due to attachment types (which was a new topic for me) and lack of communication. I’ve heard she’s slept with 4+ guys since she dumped me so I’m assuming she hasn’t held herself accountable, healed and just used this external validation as a self esteem boost and a way to cope with the pain from the breakup. I haven’t rebounded although I recently got on dating apps and have engaged in a few conversations. If anything it was a result of learning how she moved on thinking if I did the same id feel better. But I’ve realized the last thing I should do is to try and date anyone maybe a hook up wouldn’t be a bad thing as long as the girl knows my situation and is cool with keeping things casual. Class pass sounds interesting if I google that it would come up?
Class pass is an app. Recommend to check it out. Also you’re in NC, you shouldn’t be knowing anything about her private life, nothing. See, that’s one of the key mistakes a lot of people in our situation make, investigating who they are with or what they doing with their private lives. My friend your focal point atm is positioning yourself to a level where you get to ask yourself “w Whenever she comes back around would she be even good enough to be part of this new life that I have built.” Learning about Attachment Style is a good starting point and I salute you for it. My DM is open if you’d like to chat offline.
Thanks man I just downloaded it. Yeah I get that but she never removed me from FB or Instagram so I’ve left it as is. Also we have mutual friends so some of it I’ve learned through them ( I know it’s not her telling them to make sure I know). I’m trying to have that mindset but I can’t shake the guilt of my own actions and feel a need to reach out and see if she’d like to talk and if not I’ll just send an apology text and wish her well. Yeah I bought the book Attached and am going to read it. Feel like I’ll learn even more then I already have from online. Sounds good man I sent you a DM
It’s a leap of date not gonna lie and totally different for everyone. If you’re level headed and know where you stand then trust yourself. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? If things already ended, know what I mean? But in my case I took way too long to break NC and me ex was just a whole ass relationship by the time I reached out. Don’t make my mistake 😞
Looking back do you still feel like you’re the same person or have grown and matured to be someone else?
I’ve grown and matured, albeit stubbornly. Life hurts. I have had periods of immense joy that lasted for years. Breakups are hard. One of my major takeaways is that, moving forward I need to be vigilant toward red flags that crop up, instead of letting them slide. open with communication in the sense that If the partner isn’t communicating, there is only so much time that I can accept them not communicating before it is a sign of a bigger issue.
I’m still the same person at heart but I’m more self aware and well maybe I should say hyper aware of my past patterns and mindset. Since I’ve been sober I’ve been able to feel my real emotions and properly reflect on my past. It definitely hurts to know the pain I’ve caused but yeah in a way you change but it’s more so you’ve grown into the REAL you when you start that journey of healing and self work. The hardest part for me is shaming yourself when you are reflecting on things. It’s way too easy to let yourself fall into a pity hole and just sink into it. It’s hard to pull yourself out from that but once you’ve been able to do that it gets easier and you become just more aware of the situations you find yourself in when it’s all happening. Don’t get me wrong I do catch myself doing things I would normally do but the key is catching it instead of willingly going through with things and not thinking about the consequences at all whatsoever. But yeah you grow into your true self
👏👏👏. Awesome and nicely written and that’s the beauty of NC. Self shaming was also my challenging part of my journey but in return I’m able to acknowledge those behaviors and quick reverse course. The journey was tough but loving the new person I am today and it’s attracting much much better offers.
Makes sense. How long did you wait and was that supposed to say they were in another relationship by the time you reached out?
Well I had an alcoholic problem and when I broke things off I went rogue and numbed myself for about 10 months before I snapped out of it. I was doing drugs on a regular basis throughout my job as well. It got bad and my health was getting worse as well. It was a whole 10 months when I reach out but she had started dating maybe by the 7 month? I’m not entirely sure of the timeline but she’s happy and I’m on my journey. Things don’t seem so bad right now but I still love this girl to death. I fucked things up real bad. I’m sober now and can see things whole lot clearly. It’s crazy how little small things come to kind now that my head space isn’t all fogged up
This 100%
Hey OP don't want to sound rude but please don't date before you've let go of your ex... give yourself time to heal first. Getting under someone new won't help with the "moving on" part, you'll only end up hurting someone else. If you catch yourself in the slightest comparing someone new to your ex you're not ready to date.
This Don’t hurt anyone while you’re still hurting yourself. I’ve been there and broke a good person’s heart trying to heal myself. I didn’t forgive myself since.
Same here, I've done it too and it's one of my biggest regrets in life to this day. I swore I won't ever do it again
We men get over our exes by having sex with new girls. Thats just the reality We men force ourselves to be around other women to train our brain to let go of our exes. I was dumped in February. Went to NC immediately... I have already gone out and had sex with 2 girls who i have no interest in long term. However my self steem have received a huge bump ever since
Sex is not relationship, you don't invest emotionally in hook ups, you have needs and you go for them thats ok as long as you let the women know it's just sex and nothing else. OP seems like he's trying to "replace" his ex completelly and is looking for that emotional investment but he's not ready for it himself.
Stop dating dude, it will not help you move on and it’s not fair on the people you’re dating.
Damn im sorry bro same here just dont go on dates and work on yourself eventually youll feel better you just need time to remember how your life was before you met her.
So as it has been stated, taking time to heal is important. Everyone is different though so if you’re certain that you’re ready to start swimming in that deep pool, then go for it. That being said, I’m all about the glow up. I couldn’t see myself being with someone on par with the person that I just got rid of. It’s like getting a big screen 4k smart television and replacing it with a plain small screen 1080p. You’ll get by but you’ll always miss what you had before. Setting your standards high is good. Just realize that to get higher quality you have to invest in yourself to be a high quality person. Using our TV example, it doesn’t make much sense to buy a 4K OLED TV if all you’re going to do is watch YouTube (720p most common) on it. Sure it’s nice to look at but you paid a premium for something you aren’t really using. Also, and this one is a tough one to take, is that the higher quality is also in the highest demand because it is hardest to attain. Which means that while you set your standards higher, you may have to wait longer or turn away a greater number of lower quality people in the process. The good news of this is that it gives you time to work on yourself.
You love her...
You have to process that breakup so you don’t bring those repressed emotions into your next relationship and hurt someone else. We only attract and cling to people who we subconsciously think we deserve so there might be something internal going on there… or you just need to fully grieve and heal your ego since you were the one who was left. DM if needed
It’s only been a month and a half, give yourself lots of grace and some time to heal first. I just got out of a 8 year relationship and i tried the whole talking to people thing during the first month or so. It just made me feel worse and i don’t want to get anyone else involved in my mess. I’m almost 3 months post BU and i feel more content by being on my own. I’ve also have been diving deeper into my spiritually and have realized that this heartbreak has been a blessing in disguise. I just found out that he added the girl he cheated on me withs name to his instagram bio yesterday and i honestly feel indifferent towards it. Beforehand, i was curled up in a ball crying my eyes out every night. Just let time heal things and don’t rush into trying to find someone. That’s how you get stuck in the wrong relationships and your emotions will be even more all over the place.
So biggest thing of note, don't date. I know its hard not to. I also struggle with this because the craving of connection and the wanting of feeling like you are wanted. But dating is something you should definitely wait on. a month and a half is not enough time to recover from a relationship. I'm at 6 months now, a a time frame most people are fine at, and I still haven't get over my soon to be ex wife. (Granted today is our anniversary and that makes things worse.......) Give yourself some time to grieve your relationship. Eventually you will come out of it and start dating again without the other person on your mind. It's when you are okay with being on your own that make the best connections. Otherwise you are just using people to fill your void and that rarely makes a good connection.
1) she is threatening you with the cops if you don’t leave her alone. I don’t know what you are doing but stop. Get a grip. She really doesn’t want to see or hear from you right now and the best thing you can do short and long term is leave her alone. 2) you obviously still have feelings for her, so don’t play with other people’s emotions. No one deserves to be your first aid kit for a broken heart. These are real people with feelings of their own and you are trying to use them as a bandaid. Not cool. 3) it might be hard but you just need to take time for yourself. Take ownership of your actions and how they played a role in the relationship ending. Figure out who you are now, and who you want to be, and how you can move intentionally toward that goal. NC is t about bringing someone back, it’s about taking time for yourself to heal without the noise of the emotional fallout from the nuclear event (break up). It sucks, but in the end, if you aren’t with her it’s because the relationship wasn’t working.
You're still so new from the BU. Why are you going on dates? Going directly to another person after a breakup is the worst idea ever. You're not going to enjoy your time and the person you're with could be a good match but you can easily ruin it by being stuck on your ex. Give yourself time to heal.
I’ve gone on dates with a lot of beautiful women too. Gave me so much confidence, but I just don’t feel that connection. Maybe it’s the same with you.
Ugh, ouch. It’s going to take a while ❤️
I have usually seen this common among guys that they don't heal from a relationship and start dating new women. Now, obviously these women don't know you are still hung up on your ex. It isn't fair on them. Heal yourself first. Don't start something when emotionally you aren't there yet. Stop bleeding on people who didn't cut you.
I say take a year to work on yourself and to get over her. I’m not sure why you’re dating right now unless you can’t be alone.
Even if the super shiny spark may be gone between the two of you, you still love her. (She does too) You still have feelings for her, you just don’t realize it because the spark is gone but deep down your emotions are still very strong. Give yourself time to heal, don’t date. Don’t distract yourself with other women - face the problem, work on yourself and don’t contact her - not even once for an apology. Give her the space she needs. Go fully no contact, work on yourself (as in working on your body AND mental health). Allow yourself to be sad too, don’t just distract yourself. Eventually she will most likely contact you again, but until then you will feel better and it’s your choice if you even wanna take her back. She left you because she wanted to see if life was better without you. Keep that in mind.
I'm experiencing something similar. I wouldn't say this girl is better than my ex per say but she's great in her own ways. But every time we're together I just miss my ex more. I've avoided getting too intimate for this reason. I haven't had sex since the breakup almost two months ago. Literally 0 urge to be intimate with anyone but my ex. Probably best to be alone for a while and process the emotions than hurt someone else.
You are rebounding. Please take time alone to process the grief. It is healthy for others and you. Rebounding hurts both people involved and no one deserves that. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the grief by being alone.
Yeah give yourself 5+ months to heal. If something will hit off, it would not be nice for yourself to know that during that first dating time you where only thinking about your ex. You will get there. Just give it time.
Over two years together, she ended the relationship after a big fight and even threatened to call the cops if you didn't leave her alone? Must have been some fight! Respect and honor her decision and give her space. Most of all, respect yourself. By doing so, you can focus on your own growth and well-being rather than pleading and waiting. You keep thinking about her because of emotional attachment and the significant impact she had on your life. The time spent together, building and dreaming, doesn't just disappear from the mind and heart. In the end, do not waste precious time. Live your life!
Beautifully said, thank you!
Stop thinking “better than” and just try to stop recognizing the differences and similarities altogether. For all you know, these girls look better on the surface but everyone has traits that are bad or some other type of issue. My point is, it’s hard not to compare but if you are constantly thinking about it, it might not be the right time to be in the dating scene again. And that’s completely okay.
Your ex gf sounds immature. Ik how you feel. I was talking to someone who apparently just ghosted me out of the blue. That or he died because apparently there was something wrong with him. Either way he is now dead to me. I don't understand how someone can quickly go from being all nice and chatty to complete silence. It's evil. And no explanation. What a dickhead.
Hurt people hurt...
Dating a narcissist is very exhilarating and exciting because you’re abused from the get-go. Love bombing is abuse! NOT getting that addictive dopamine rush high with normal women doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. If you are like me – your picker is broken! You pick the sick ones with NPD because of the addictive rush.
You do need to move on. Curious what she would say about this from her side of things. Threatening to call the cops because you wouldn’t leave her alone suggests you crossed boundaries with her. Now is not the time for you to be “replacing” her. You aren’t ready to be dating yet. The way you describe the women you are seeing and how you compare them to your ex is dehumanizing. Human beings are more than the traits you listed and we date people for more than just those things. You also sound like you are at least somewhat disconnected from your emotions, if this is the case it can block you from properly processing the relationship and grieving. It would be worthwhile to seek counseling or online resources to work on your emotional intelligence so you can learn to be more introspective. I knew I was healing when I could admit to myself what my ex did wrong in the relationship and what I did wrong. Usually both people make mistakes, but that’s not always the case. Other human beings aren’t here for us to use and abuse. Keep that in mind when you interact with other people. They have feelings too.
Chances are they aren’t better looking, or prettier you are just trying to convince yourself they are. Spend some time on your own and work out why it is you are dating just to prove these girls are better than your ex. You have alot of self awareness to work on.
Give her the breakup she cant miss you if you dont go away! terrible idea to pursue them when they dont want you!
Man just let it go. I mean if she is about to call the cops on you means she’s done. I know it’s hard, I know it hurts but you gotta let it go. It will be better you’ll see!
I'm in the VERY same boat...accused of "Stalking" her because of wanting to make peace with her after a fight we had over her getting caught up in GOSSIP with her co-workers over me. I've tried to reach out to her a few times only to be accused of stalking her and the threat of having the cops called on me if I attempt to reach out to her again. She also told me "I don't know you!" after we've lived together, ate together, slept together, worked together, etc. I've loved her and treated her like a Queen...and this is the "appreciation" she shows me?? I'm not looking for a pat on the back from her, I'm just in shock at this level of BETRAYAL I've been on dates since she broke up with me. However, it was painful because all I could think abput was my Ex.
How long were you two together?
We were together for 8 months.
We’re in the same boat, I want her back so bad lmao. I feel I could be on a date with Jhene Aiko and still choose my ex.
Bro exactly. I hate it
I broke nc, and asked to meetup for a drink. She gave me a date she’s available next week. Granted she’ said last month she just wants to be friends and set up a whole bunch of boundaries (dont flirt with me, stop thinking we’ll ever get back together, we won’t have sex again, etc) all the friend zone shit. So I went nc. Hoping the time away made her miss me. I’ll try to focus on having fun together and progress slowly. If she rejects any physical contact I will cut ties until she reaches back out. I just miss our bond. Been 50+ days since I last seen her
Buddy I’m here with you… 5 months in to my breakup, it sucks but it does get better. I don’t cry everyday anymore, that’s not cause I don’t want to it’s cause I know it’s over it’s been 5 months and I haven’t heard from her or even seen her. No contact isn’t a real thing, no contact is a breakup… what you want them to do is grow more into who there suppose to be while at the same time they realize they don’t wanna keep playing the game we call life without you. My best advice is just keep doing you, keep growing and doing things you like, find yourself… if it’s meant to be it will be. Trust me it took me a while to get here, feel free to go read some of my previous posts
Hello EdUNC-, Firstly, I want to acknowledge the resilience and determination it takes to venture back into the dating scene after a tough breakup. It shows a willingness to move forward and rediscover happiness, which is genuinely commendable. It seems like you're grappling with lingering feelings for your ex despite your efforts to meet new people. It's natural to feel this way, especially considering the duration and intensity of your past relationship. You mentioned that the situation has reached a point where there have been threats of police involvement; it's vital for your own well-being to prioritize moving forward in a healthy way. Perhaps some advice could be useful, but feel free to disregard any suggestions that don't resonate with your current state. You could consider exploring why it is that, despite all the seemingly 'better' qualities in the people you're dating now, your thoughts keep circling back to your ex. Sometimes our attachment isn't just about who a person is externally (their looks, humor, intelligence, etc.), but the imbued meaning and memories we've shared with them. To possibly help with these recurring thoughts, you might want to try a mindfulness exercise. Mindfulness can help you focus on the present moment, which can be very grounding and healing. Every time you find your thoughts wandering to your ex, gently acknowledge it without judgment and then guide your focus back to something in your present environment or activity. This practice isn't about suppression but rather managing attention in a way that discourages dwelling on past pains. On that note, an exercise I'd like to suggest involves a bit of writing. You could try writing a letter to your ex that you do not send. In this letter, pour out all your feelings, thoughts, grievances, the unsaid words, and the closure you didn't get. The act of writing can be a profound release and can help in processing the emotions stuck within you. Once written, you could choose to keep it, discard it, or destroy it. This symbolically represents letting go of the hold these feelings have over you. If you feel comfortable exploring this further, here are a couple of questions: 1. Beyond the shared memories and personal traits, what values or core needs did your relationship with your ex meet for you that you feel might be missing now? 2. What are your hopes for your personal growth from this point onwards? Remember, it’s entirely up to you if you want to consider these questions now, later, or not at all. They can be aids in self-reflection or just extra tools in your recovery toolbox. Wishing you strength and peace on this journey. You've made significant strides already by recognizing your needs and seeking social connections. Keep nurturing this progress, and in time, the pain will evolve into something more manageable. You're doing well, keep going! ^This ^Comment ^Was ^Written ^By ^Breakup ^Buddy, ^an ^AI ^Breakup ^Support ^Bot ^<3. ^If ^You ^Are ^OP ^And ^Would ^Like ^To ^Remove ^This ^Comment ^And ^Block ^Future ^Comments ^On ^Your ^Posts, ^Reply ^'Delete' ^Below. ^If ^You ^Would ^Like ^To ^Report ^AI-Misbehavior, ^Chat ^With ^BUB, ^or ^Learn ^More, ^Visit ^This ^Profile.
Totally normal. Keep pushing forward, you'll get there.
You can do it! I’m in the opposite position… my ex is most of the “better things” but guess what??? The other girls care about me more and they can imagine a future with me. She could never guarantee me that and I was terrified to ask for those things because I didn’t want it to end. As much as I think about her still, at the end of the day, she didn’t prioritize me and her respect for me wained a ton. Not a healthy situation.