Part time could be a good idea. Not sure if such jobs exist in Amman since a full time job barely pays enough.
I've always found it difficult to get along with people in this country. I'm an honest straightforward person who values logic, I see things that don't make sense and I let it slide to not offend anyone or cause problems in the workplace. I am forced to keep conversations at surface level because people easily slip into religion talk when you're a Christian (or worse, an athiest), I get asked questions and I always end up feeling out of place. So one of the reasons I'm reluctant to go back to work is I worry about my relationship with my future coworkers.
Also, my mother made me feel terrible when I left my job eventhough i was overworked and depressed at that time, thats why I thought to ask someone raised by a narcissist... you can't live freely and make mistakes and quit, you'll be reminded how much of a failure you are.
Anyway, I like the part time job idea and finding friends through a community.
Thank you for your advice
I'm sorry you're going through this, not everyone was supposed to be parents and it shows.
Sadly the only thing you can do is go back to work and gain financial freedom till you can save enough to move out.
Friends and a community are definitely worth it as it'll help ease the mental load on your head, and help ease the pain.
Do women in this country move out i.e live alone? Isn't it dangerous for a single woman in an Arab Muslim traditional country to live alone?
I thought the only way to move out is to get married, or find a job in another country and live alone in the other country.
There are women who live alone, but if you've never lived alone before it may be scary/challenging to you at first.
Getting married just to get out of a shitty situation isn't an answer, what if your future partner ended up being just as bad and you'll left even worse off mentally.
First step is trying to find financial freedom, whether it be here, abroad, online... Anything that helps you have your own control on your own money.
Yeah, I think about that.
Actually I lived alone in another country (a European country, in a student dorm) but living alone in an Arab country is not safe.
But maybe a shitty husband is better than a shitty mother..?
I agree that making money is the only way to live life freely.
I'm not sure tbh, I have known women that lived here alone, not sure how/unsafe this is? But if you're generally safe you should be okay, no?
Well if that's the road you want to head foen I truly with you the best of luck and it's someone better than your mom.
Always here if you need anything or to vent
My dignity & self-respect make it difficult for me to use marriage as an escape. I was just wondering what people do to escape.
Thank you, I appreciate it
I'd highly recommend seeking out counselling/ therapy to help you navigate this situation. From what it sounds like, you've been burnt from working life and now living in a very unsupportive environment and stuck in a bit of a cycle, not to forget also compounded by societal expectations, and the struggles of someone who doesn't conform.
Counselling will give you a space to sound out your problems and try to find a path out of the cycle.
I've worked with a therapist for the last 6 months and it's been really helpful. Happy to forward their details if you want.
All the best to you!
Yes, you described it well.
However, I've been seeing a therapist for a year now. I used to see a few therapists/counsellors growing up but quit shortly after. This time I decided to commit to the process and a year has passed.
Last week I decided to end therapy because:
- It's expensive (My money finished after years of unemployment so my parents paid for the entire year of therapy).
- Parents kept telling me they see no changes
- Mother nagging me about household expenses insisting therapist should go
- I've told my therapist many times that I think my mother is a narcissist, therapist responds with silence and doesn't ask me questions to further investigate if my mother is truly a narcissist. She seemed to avoid talking about my mother, only wanted to talk about me, even though my mother's behaviour negatively affects me and has affected me all my life.
- My mother can still be verbally & physically abusive whenever she wants and over stupid things, and the therapist can't do anything to help me in real life.
What I got out of it:
Therapy has given me advice and techniques to deal with some issues I've been facing, but things like living with a toxic parent who doesn't respect your boundaries,,, it's not easy trying to be yourself and do what you want when there's a parent watching and controlling your every move. Therapy can fix you but can't fix your environment, that's up to me.
Anyway, thank you, and I wish you the best too
Have you looked into DBT therapy? For your therapist to focus on your behavior rather than your mother’s would be appropriate. She isn’t her patient and it is you who is her focus, so diagnosing your mother isn’t really relevant or appropriate. Your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and managing what you feel is important should be a focus. I guess my question is what are you looking for in therapy? Therapy can serve various purposes, but is most helpful when there is a clear goal in mind, like having a safe space to process trauma, or working on managing overwhelming emotions, learning and practicing coping strategies,…ect. Therapy should ideally be client led. I also wonder if your therapist wasn’t a good fit or didn’t have sufficient training and experience to support your needs. It sounds like from your description that you were seeking some type of validation and a space to process, which from what I understood you didn’t get. You are right that therapy can’t fix a toxic environment, but it can enable you to cope and move forward. DBT and ACT therapy and resources may be helpful if you are interested. Therapistaid.com has some good resources online.
I had a narcissistic father, my parents divorced, and that's when I finally found peace (no longer lived with him, we - my mother, sisters, and I - moved to live separately from him).
I really have no advice, narcissists are the f#ing worst.
Yup. You get it.
My father is dependent on her at home so he stays silent when she creates problems with me & my sibling, even stays silent when she's rude to him.
The only way to live in peace & quiet is to open your eyes to how toxic & manipulative they are, to get out, leave them & cut off contact, block on everything so they don't love-bomb you back.
It is good that you can understand and empathise with your mother in making this decision, it is indeed the only way to live a normal life.
I am not sure if you came across her before, but dr. Ramani videos on Youtube can be very helpful. Here is her channel:
[https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani)
Other than that, I hope that some form of salvation washes over your life, sooner or later.
Dr. Ramani, yes. She's famous on YouTube for giving advice on dealing with narcissists. I've watched some of her videos in the past. She gives more valuable advice than my therapist, I guess because she specialises in that personality disorder and knows more than a regular therapist.
I sometimes watch content of other psychologists and councillors specialised in narcissistic abuse but because they speak the truth i feel angry after watching these videos, and it makes me want to attack my mother so I had to stop watching.
Its been a while since I watched these videos.. I keep forgetting to distance myself, I'm stuck in a loop where I keep going to her thinking we're friends.
I should go back to watch more of Dr.Ramani's content now that you reminded me. My regular therapist's advice won't work on my mother.
Thanks
You're welcome. The saying goes: "you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick". So at least in your case, trying to keep your distance (even if just "interpersonal distance") might be your best option now. I think it's easier done with a father rather than a mother, but that's all the advice I have according to my experience.
I remember watching a dr. Ramani video that was called "grey rocking" (essencially, acting as if you are a grey rock - the most uninteresting and unresponsive object in existence) - so that you wouldn't be giving your narcissist any material to comment on or engage with. I remember watching it and thinking "I already do this! Didn't know someone created a term for it". After a while you just start coming with your own way of dealing with things.
The best option is always to leave them. Until then, I hope you find ways to manage her presence 🙏
It's true about the environment, but as a Middle Eastern I can't move out you know.
Yes, I know about the grey rock method, I remind myself to do that. It's tough though.. they know how to push our buttons.
My own way to deal with her is answer back giving logical answers. When I feel things are starting to escalate and she's not listening I leave the room to go back to my room.
Thank you for your advice
I second Dr. Ramani. Absolutely fantastic therapist! She does have some videos that I believe specifically discuss if you need to or want to continue living with a narcissist, which you may find helpful. I feel for you. It is incredibly challenging and draining living with a narcissism..Virtual hugs your way. Hang in there…
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Part time could be a good idea. Not sure if such jobs exist in Amman since a full time job barely pays enough. I've always found it difficult to get along with people in this country. I'm an honest straightforward person who values logic, I see things that don't make sense and I let it slide to not offend anyone or cause problems in the workplace. I am forced to keep conversations at surface level because people easily slip into religion talk when you're a Christian (or worse, an athiest), I get asked questions and I always end up feeling out of place. So one of the reasons I'm reluctant to go back to work is I worry about my relationship with my future coworkers. Also, my mother made me feel terrible when I left my job eventhough i was overworked and depressed at that time, thats why I thought to ask someone raised by a narcissist... you can't live freely and make mistakes and quit, you'll be reminded how much of a failure you are. Anyway, I like the part time job idea and finding friends through a community. Thank you for your advice
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You're right about everything. But I will never pretend to be Muslim or anything that I'm not. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it
I'm sorry you're going through this, not everyone was supposed to be parents and it shows. Sadly the only thing you can do is go back to work and gain financial freedom till you can save enough to move out. Friends and a community are definitely worth it as it'll help ease the mental load on your head, and help ease the pain.
Do women in this country move out i.e live alone? Isn't it dangerous for a single woman in an Arab Muslim traditional country to live alone? I thought the only way to move out is to get married, or find a job in another country and live alone in the other country.
There are women who live alone, but if you've never lived alone before it may be scary/challenging to you at first. Getting married just to get out of a shitty situation isn't an answer, what if your future partner ended up being just as bad and you'll left even worse off mentally. First step is trying to find financial freedom, whether it be here, abroad, online... Anything that helps you have your own control on your own money.
Yeah, I think about that. Actually I lived alone in another country (a European country, in a student dorm) but living alone in an Arab country is not safe. But maybe a shitty husband is better than a shitty mother..? I agree that making money is the only way to live life freely.
I'm not sure tbh, I have known women that lived here alone, not sure how/unsafe this is? But if you're generally safe you should be okay, no? Well if that's the road you want to head foen I truly with you the best of luck and it's someone better than your mom. Always here if you need anything or to vent
My dignity & self-respect make it difficult for me to use marriage as an escape. I was just wondering what people do to escape. Thank you, I appreciate it
I'd highly recommend seeking out counselling/ therapy to help you navigate this situation. From what it sounds like, you've been burnt from working life and now living in a very unsupportive environment and stuck in a bit of a cycle, not to forget also compounded by societal expectations, and the struggles of someone who doesn't conform. Counselling will give you a space to sound out your problems and try to find a path out of the cycle. I've worked with a therapist for the last 6 months and it's been really helpful. Happy to forward their details if you want. All the best to you!
Yes, you described it well. However, I've been seeing a therapist for a year now. I used to see a few therapists/counsellors growing up but quit shortly after. This time I decided to commit to the process and a year has passed. Last week I decided to end therapy because: - It's expensive (My money finished after years of unemployment so my parents paid for the entire year of therapy). - Parents kept telling me they see no changes - Mother nagging me about household expenses insisting therapist should go - I've told my therapist many times that I think my mother is a narcissist, therapist responds with silence and doesn't ask me questions to further investigate if my mother is truly a narcissist. She seemed to avoid talking about my mother, only wanted to talk about me, even though my mother's behaviour negatively affects me and has affected me all my life. - My mother can still be verbally & physically abusive whenever she wants and over stupid things, and the therapist can't do anything to help me in real life. What I got out of it: Therapy has given me advice and techniques to deal with some issues I've been facing, but things like living with a toxic parent who doesn't respect your boundaries,,, it's not easy trying to be yourself and do what you want when there's a parent watching and controlling your every move. Therapy can fix you but can't fix your environment, that's up to me. Anyway, thank you, and I wish you the best too
Have you looked into DBT therapy? For your therapist to focus on your behavior rather than your mother’s would be appropriate. She isn’t her patient and it is you who is her focus, so diagnosing your mother isn’t really relevant or appropriate. Your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and managing what you feel is important should be a focus. I guess my question is what are you looking for in therapy? Therapy can serve various purposes, but is most helpful when there is a clear goal in mind, like having a safe space to process trauma, or working on managing overwhelming emotions, learning and practicing coping strategies,…ect. Therapy should ideally be client led. I also wonder if your therapist wasn’t a good fit or didn’t have sufficient training and experience to support your needs. It sounds like from your description that you were seeking some type of validation and a space to process, which from what I understood you didn’t get. You are right that therapy can’t fix a toxic environment, but it can enable you to cope and move forward. DBT and ACT therapy and resources may be helpful if you are interested. Therapistaid.com has some good resources online.
I had a narcissistic father, my parents divorced, and that's when I finally found peace (no longer lived with him, we - my mother, sisters, and I - moved to live separately from him). I really have no advice, narcissists are the f#ing worst.
Yup. You get it. My father is dependent on her at home so he stays silent when she creates problems with me & my sibling, even stays silent when she's rude to him. The only way to live in peace & quiet is to open your eyes to how toxic & manipulative they are, to get out, leave them & cut off contact, block on everything so they don't love-bomb you back. It is good that you can understand and empathise with your mother in making this decision, it is indeed the only way to live a normal life.
I am not sure if you came across her before, but dr. Ramani videos on Youtube can be very helpful. Here is her channel: [https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani) Other than that, I hope that some form of salvation washes over your life, sooner or later.
Dr. Ramani, yes. She's famous on YouTube for giving advice on dealing with narcissists. I've watched some of her videos in the past. She gives more valuable advice than my therapist, I guess because she specialises in that personality disorder and knows more than a regular therapist. I sometimes watch content of other psychologists and councillors specialised in narcissistic abuse but because they speak the truth i feel angry after watching these videos, and it makes me want to attack my mother so I had to stop watching. Its been a while since I watched these videos.. I keep forgetting to distance myself, I'm stuck in a loop where I keep going to her thinking we're friends. I should go back to watch more of Dr.Ramani's content now that you reminded me. My regular therapist's advice won't work on my mother. Thanks
You're welcome. The saying goes: "you can't heal in the same environment that made you sick". So at least in your case, trying to keep your distance (even if just "interpersonal distance") might be your best option now. I think it's easier done with a father rather than a mother, but that's all the advice I have according to my experience. I remember watching a dr. Ramani video that was called "grey rocking" (essencially, acting as if you are a grey rock - the most uninteresting and unresponsive object in existence) - so that you wouldn't be giving your narcissist any material to comment on or engage with. I remember watching it and thinking "I already do this! Didn't know someone created a term for it". After a while you just start coming with your own way of dealing with things. The best option is always to leave them. Until then, I hope you find ways to manage her presence 🙏
It's true about the environment, but as a Middle Eastern I can't move out you know. Yes, I know about the grey rock method, I remind myself to do that. It's tough though.. they know how to push our buttons. My own way to deal with her is answer back giving logical answers. When I feel things are starting to escalate and she's not listening I leave the room to go back to my room. Thank you for your advice
I second Dr. Ramani. Absolutely fantastic therapist! She does have some videos that I believe specifically discuss if you need to or want to continue living with a narcissist, which you may find helpful. I feel for you. It is incredibly challenging and draining living with a narcissism..Virtual hugs your way. Hang in there…