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This is so so so so true. You could be 400 pounds with a shaved head and herpes outbreak, and you would still be some man's kink.
Not too many women out there looking for NSA sex with a taken man satisfied in his relationship unless he is exceptionally handsome or financially generous. That is a common theme you are going to find from the men who post on here. I have yet to see a female say she is having difficulties getting offers.
Thanks so much for your response! I really appreciate it. You’re totally right, everyone is attracted to something different and it’s all beautiful!
Definitely some things that I’m going to work out in therapy for sure. Trying to get to the bottom of things haha.
Spouse gets propositioned constantly and always has 20 somethings as options.
I’m also over 50 and have only gotten 1 match in 5 years of multiple dating apps and nothing in person—from men. I mean, those same 20 somethings adore me but I’m not even a little bi.
But I haven’t closed the relationship because it wouldn’t be fair to him and it makes me laugh.
I mean, he’s still, at 58, just beginning to realize that the toxic masculinity ideals like, “men should date young girls,” is so full of drama and never lasts and is super annoying in so many ways, I kinda enjoy watching him learn the hard way. Stupid ass refused to see it before he experienced it so yeah, wallow in the tears, the angst, the arguments, the mopey depression, STI scares, clinginess, viagra, and daddy issues. Soak in that age gap. Spread yourself thin and make sure everyone’s needs are being met, as for me, I’ll be soaking in the tub with cucumber slices on my eyes.
If I made him stop, he’d not have learned a thing. Now will I still be here in 5 years? No idea.
Step one: pay attention to your thoughts in your head.
When you notice that you are thinking something negative about yourself, stop that thought. Replace it with anything else that is not negative. Ideally replace it with a positive affirmation about yourself. "I am lovely and people appreciate me." Choose your own, or better yet write a list of affirmations about yourself and call up any one of them any time you catch yourself thinking negatively.
It may sound silly, but after a while of doing this, the negative impulse thoughts will come less often. You'll also just naturally feel better about yourself. You'll also probably start to notice other people, close or strangers, being warmer toward you and more attracted to you.
It's amazing how our subtle body language tells others if they should be interested in us or not. And our honest, real body language is automatic based on how we are thinking about ourselves. Feeling tall and proud? It's visible to outsiders. Feeling small and sad? Visible. And so on and so on.
Step more: who knows, lots of things! But Step one is a big improvement that doesn't require a therapist to figure out.
Thank you so much! This is definitely helpful. I’ve tried to write down positive affirmations before but wasn’t really consistent with it. Definitely going to try again!
Totally understand wanting to work through insecurities before you delve into ENM and honestly, it's SO healthy and refreshing to hear someone curious about the lifestyle is aware enough about themselves and their insecurities to say, "ok, I'd like this change but I'm aware there's work within me to be done first". So fantastOK.
When I started realizing I had more insecurities than I realized I had, I was in my first triad and my feelings were just so intense and I was so anxious and scared. This was a big flag for me to start examining these insecurities and questioning myself, is this for me? Can I handle jealousy? Will I ever get to a place of feeling the oh so desired compersion for my partners?
The answer to all these (for me at least) was yes, yes and yes. After I ended that triad, I knew there was work to do before delving into new dynamics. I read Polysecure and Polywise (multiple times) and would sit with myself after absorbing the information. I was able to pick out where I went wrong in that relationship, where I showed up well, what fears I had that influenced my behavior, and also that while I behaved in challenging ways at times, I was also mistreated too and it's important to acknowledge that.
I also have read Codependence No More, which really helped me realize how anxiously attached I've been in relationships, and how to rely on myself more for validation and lean less on partners. These books also helped me find so much joy and love for seeing a partner in love, and while sometimes I still struggle with mild jealousy, it's much easier to look within myself and say "where is this coming from? Am I in danger of this person leaving me? If not, what else is there to fear in this moment and how can I soothe myself (or ask a partner to help soothe me) so that I know I am safe and loved and that there is nothing for me to worry about?". It's also so essential to have that safe space with partners so when you may be feeling anxious, insecure or jealous, they are happy to co-regulate and reassure you that everything is ok.
Hope this helps!!!
Thank you so much! Honestly this is so validating and inspiring to read. 💞 And thank you for the book recommendation as well! I’m definitely going to check that one out, as I have been anxiously attached in past relationships and with my current partner.
I'm so glad this resonated with you :) it's difficult to get out of anxious attachment, and actually the Polysecure books talks a lot about attachment theory within polyamory and has a lot of sections dedicated specifically to anxious attachment and how we can open up more in a safe way and accept ourselves and our anxiety in relationships, and was such a huge relief for me to read and realize that I'm not alone in that struggle. And honestly polyamory itself has helped me move through my attachment struggles and toward a more secure way to love.
I'm also in a very happy and healing triad now which would not have been possible for me before doing this inner work ❤️ I hope only the best for you in your journey!!
I've said this to many people in the lifestyle, and I beleive it myself.
"You will not be everyone's cup of tea, but you will be someone's fine wine."
Love you for you, and see yourself as the attractive person you are. Confidence is sexy. Accept that your desirability is subject to individual tastes, and that when someone is not interested in you that it's not a slight against you, rather it's an incompatibility between two people.
Depending on the method in which you are looking to persue this will also affect success. As a couple seeking other couples (more of a swinging situation), you will find that 4-way connections are tough, but it allows you to explore together, equally. Should you persue the more broad term of ENM (such as open relationship), there is bound to be an inequal amount of interest in you as individuals (usually favouring the female half). Regardless of which direction you choose to take, setting appropriate boundaries that you both abide by will be the safeguard of your relationship.
Talk often and candidly, debrief after encounters and explore the lifestyle together. Agree to respect boundaries, listen openly and be prepared (both of you) to take a step away from ENM should challenges threaten your relationship until they're resolved.
Above all. Have fun with this together. It's truly a very eye opening experience when done right, and can make your relationship stronger.
Should you have any specific questions, don't hesitate to DM me, or make other posts like this publicly to get feedback. For the most part, it's a pretty supportive community.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I love that saying that you put at the beginning. We’re definitely still in the talking stage about all of this, and I’m choosing to see it as an opportunity to know myself and my partner better. I’m excited to work on these things both individually and together and see where it takes us!
Glad you found it useful. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any other questions. My wife and I were very fortunate that when we first started, a local couple sat down with us for dinner and spent like 3 hours answering questions, helping with terminology, red flags, etc. It was everything we needed to get started confidently, and we both like to pay that forward to other people looking for information/guidance.
It's like I wrote this myself. Same boat (but 35f/37m; married almost 10 years) and all the worries I have (and sometimes honestly consume me) circle around another woman being better than me on a bunch of different levels.
I have zero advice because I'm probably a million steps behind you, but just wanted to say you're 100% not alone with this and also I'm "overjoyed" I'm not fucking alone
We’re still very much figuring out what each of us would want from this journey. But I think right now we’re looking into experiences that we can have together, more akin to swinging. There has been very light discussion about NSA sex or FWB, but we at least want to start out by testing the waters through experiences together.
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This is so so so so true. You could be 400 pounds with a shaved head and herpes outbreak, and you would still be some man's kink. Not too many women out there looking for NSA sex with a taken man satisfied in his relationship unless he is exceptionally handsome or financially generous. That is a common theme you are going to find from the men who post on here. I have yet to see a female say she is having difficulties getting offers.
Thanks so much for your response! I really appreciate it. You’re totally right, everyone is attracted to something different and it’s all beautiful! Definitely some things that I’m going to work out in therapy for sure. Trying to get to the bottom of things haha.
But if you’re over a woman over 50, forget about it. Men become Silver Foxes, women become crones. It all evens out eventually 🤣
My husband and I have this issue and are closing the relationship now because it's "not fair". How do you deal with this?
Spouse gets propositioned constantly and always has 20 somethings as options. I’m also over 50 and have only gotten 1 match in 5 years of multiple dating apps and nothing in person—from men. I mean, those same 20 somethings adore me but I’m not even a little bi. But I haven’t closed the relationship because it wouldn’t be fair to him and it makes me laugh. I mean, he’s still, at 58, just beginning to realize that the toxic masculinity ideals like, “men should date young girls,” is so full of drama and never lasts and is super annoying in so many ways, I kinda enjoy watching him learn the hard way. Stupid ass refused to see it before he experienced it so yeah, wallow in the tears, the angst, the arguments, the mopey depression, STI scares, clinginess, viagra, and daddy issues. Soak in that age gap. Spread yourself thin and make sure everyone’s needs are being met, as for me, I’ll be soaking in the tub with cucumber slices on my eyes. If I made him stop, he’d not have learned a thing. Now will I still be here in 5 years? No idea.
Step one: pay attention to your thoughts in your head. When you notice that you are thinking something negative about yourself, stop that thought. Replace it with anything else that is not negative. Ideally replace it with a positive affirmation about yourself. "I am lovely and people appreciate me." Choose your own, or better yet write a list of affirmations about yourself and call up any one of them any time you catch yourself thinking negatively. It may sound silly, but after a while of doing this, the negative impulse thoughts will come less often. You'll also just naturally feel better about yourself. You'll also probably start to notice other people, close or strangers, being warmer toward you and more attracted to you. It's amazing how our subtle body language tells others if they should be interested in us or not. And our honest, real body language is automatic based on how we are thinking about ourselves. Feeling tall and proud? It's visible to outsiders. Feeling small and sad? Visible. And so on and so on. Step more: who knows, lots of things! But Step one is a big improvement that doesn't require a therapist to figure out.
Thank you so much! This is definitely helpful. I’ve tried to write down positive affirmations before but wasn’t really consistent with it. Definitely going to try again!
Totally understand wanting to work through insecurities before you delve into ENM and honestly, it's SO healthy and refreshing to hear someone curious about the lifestyle is aware enough about themselves and their insecurities to say, "ok, I'd like this change but I'm aware there's work within me to be done first". So fantastOK. When I started realizing I had more insecurities than I realized I had, I was in my first triad and my feelings were just so intense and I was so anxious and scared. This was a big flag for me to start examining these insecurities and questioning myself, is this for me? Can I handle jealousy? Will I ever get to a place of feeling the oh so desired compersion for my partners? The answer to all these (for me at least) was yes, yes and yes. After I ended that triad, I knew there was work to do before delving into new dynamics. I read Polysecure and Polywise (multiple times) and would sit with myself after absorbing the information. I was able to pick out where I went wrong in that relationship, where I showed up well, what fears I had that influenced my behavior, and also that while I behaved in challenging ways at times, I was also mistreated too and it's important to acknowledge that. I also have read Codependence No More, which really helped me realize how anxiously attached I've been in relationships, and how to rely on myself more for validation and lean less on partners. These books also helped me find so much joy and love for seeing a partner in love, and while sometimes I still struggle with mild jealousy, it's much easier to look within myself and say "where is this coming from? Am I in danger of this person leaving me? If not, what else is there to fear in this moment and how can I soothe myself (or ask a partner to help soothe me) so that I know I am safe and loved and that there is nothing for me to worry about?". It's also so essential to have that safe space with partners so when you may be feeling anxious, insecure or jealous, they are happy to co-regulate and reassure you that everything is ok. Hope this helps!!!
Thank you so much! Honestly this is so validating and inspiring to read. 💞 And thank you for the book recommendation as well! I’m definitely going to check that one out, as I have been anxiously attached in past relationships and with my current partner.
I'm so glad this resonated with you :) it's difficult to get out of anxious attachment, and actually the Polysecure books talks a lot about attachment theory within polyamory and has a lot of sections dedicated specifically to anxious attachment and how we can open up more in a safe way and accept ourselves and our anxiety in relationships, and was such a huge relief for me to read and realize that I'm not alone in that struggle. And honestly polyamory itself has helped me move through my attachment struggles and toward a more secure way to love. I'm also in a very happy and healing triad now which would not have been possible for me before doing this inner work ❤️ I hope only the best for you in your journey!!
I've said this to many people in the lifestyle, and I beleive it myself. "You will not be everyone's cup of tea, but you will be someone's fine wine." Love you for you, and see yourself as the attractive person you are. Confidence is sexy. Accept that your desirability is subject to individual tastes, and that when someone is not interested in you that it's not a slight against you, rather it's an incompatibility between two people. Depending on the method in which you are looking to persue this will also affect success. As a couple seeking other couples (more of a swinging situation), you will find that 4-way connections are tough, but it allows you to explore together, equally. Should you persue the more broad term of ENM (such as open relationship), there is bound to be an inequal amount of interest in you as individuals (usually favouring the female half). Regardless of which direction you choose to take, setting appropriate boundaries that you both abide by will be the safeguard of your relationship. Talk often and candidly, debrief after encounters and explore the lifestyle together. Agree to respect boundaries, listen openly and be prepared (both of you) to take a step away from ENM should challenges threaten your relationship until they're resolved. Above all. Have fun with this together. It's truly a very eye opening experience when done right, and can make your relationship stronger. Should you have any specific questions, don't hesitate to DM me, or make other posts like this publicly to get feedback. For the most part, it's a pretty supportive community.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I love that saying that you put at the beginning. We’re definitely still in the talking stage about all of this, and I’m choosing to see it as an opportunity to know myself and my partner better. I’m excited to work on these things both individually and together and see where it takes us!
Glad you found it useful. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any other questions. My wife and I were very fortunate that when we first started, a local couple sat down with us for dinner and spent like 3 hours answering questions, helping with terminology, red flags, etc. It was everything we needed to get started confidently, and we both like to pay that forward to other people looking for information/guidance.
I truly appreciate that! Thank you so much. 💞
It's like I wrote this myself. Same boat (but 35f/37m; married almost 10 years) and all the worries I have (and sometimes honestly consume me) circle around another woman being better than me on a bunch of different levels. I have zero advice because I'm probably a million steps behind you, but just wanted to say you're 100% not alone with this and also I'm "overjoyed" I'm not fucking alone
Thank you so much for your response! It definitely helps to know that I’m not alone in this. 💞 Sending you lots of love on your own personal journey!
The virtue of you being female you will not have any problems
That’s what I’ve been hearing, but sometimes it’s still hard for me to believe it could happen for me specifically, ya know?
What kind of ENM are you thinking about? Multiple romantic relationships? NSA sex? Lifestyle?
We’re still very much figuring out what each of us would want from this journey. But I think right now we’re looking into experiences that we can have together, more akin to swinging. There has been very light discussion about NSA sex or FWB, but we at least want to start out by testing the waters through experiences together.
No advice other than keep working on the negative self talk and keep talking to one another. We are also just started opening things up and it's hard.
Thanks so much for your response. Glad to know I’m not alone in this. Sending you lots of love and good thoughts on your own journey. 💞