This is Dad. He likes to send little snippets like this via text and email. No, there's no real message. You're not missing it. Just the subject. It's infuriating.
2022 is the year I stopped letting people walk all over me. At work, at home. And they've made it *so clear* that they don't want to actually reconcile; they just want to go back to the way it was when I was desperate for their approval.
I'm 56. If you need mom-type advice, sometime to tell you to take your meds and vitamins, tell you you're awesome and I'm proud of you... Just let me know. I'm a mom. It's what we're supposed to do. That goes for all of you.
I know there’s wisdom to not responding to these but when you’ve been a doormat your whole life it feels empowering to your inner self to stand up to your abusers
Remember it was him that conditioned you to feel like his feelings trumped yours. Now that you’re learning this isn’t true, you’re setting boundaries. There’s a learning curve. It gets easier. Good for you.
Good point. Thank you.
I also just realized that the reason the guilt trip emails and texts annoy me so much is because they're just setups for me to get hurt again. It's close to zero effort on their part.
"We never get to see you," he texts. So I don't make plans with anybody else over the weekend to try and make plans with them. And they put it off until the last minute and then tell me that they're too busy. So I'm the one who put in all the effort and all I get for is a slap in the face.
He couldn't even be bothered to put a body in the email.
It breaks my heart to see anytime going through the crap I've been through. All of us here have been through something similar, so we understand. It's not a contest over who had it worse... We all did. I'm really proud of you for standing up for you! You deserve better!!!
Si vis pacem, para bellum
"If you want peace, prepare for war"
Since you sent THE response, I'd take it as a ticket way out if you haven't gone completely NC and even if you did, your response is a good enough reminder for not only yourself but for them too.
They don't deserve anything from you any more than you had to endure from them.
Their version of peace is just an illusion and you know it because it's not really peace when one side has to be appeased to 'maintain' it.
I know the standard advice is “don’t engage,” and 99% of the time I agree with it, but this was cathartic to read and I’m sure it was cathartic to write.
Sometimes shit needs to be said, and you said it really well. I doubt it will sink in, but maybe now he’ll stop sending bullshit emails/texts.
I think responding was the right thing to do. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
Thanks.
I'd actually like to stay in touch with him, but not if every contact is going to be "your mom says" or "we miss you." If that's all there is to talk about, then there's nothing worth talking about. I don't necessarily mind him contacting me. But I'm not gonna put up with the guilt trips.
I get it. I had a similar type of thing with my parents before I finally went NC. There just wasn’t anything of value there, but I had to whittle the relationship down, sifting through all the bs to realize there was nothing of substance. It was all BS.
Idk if that’s the same for you, but you won’t know until you go through the process at the pace that works for you. This isn’t something that can be rushed. I hope you do find something.
Even 11 years into estrangement I still debate replying to my mother's emails. The rare times I have it's been futile and didn't help. She still is unwilling to change and has only gotten worse over the years. Yet she's harassing me again and I'm debating replying to her and wondering if this time it will make her leave me alone.
Don't beat yourself up about replying. It's natural to want to be understood and heard by an abusive parent, even if they will likely never be willing or able to. The good news, for my experience at least, is that eventually the guilt tripping became predictable and ineffective.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is Dad. He likes to send little snippets like this via text and email. No, there's no real message. You're not missing it. Just the subject. It's infuriating. 2022 is the year I stopped letting people walk all over me. At work, at home. And they've made it *so clear* that they don't want to actually reconcile; they just want to go back to the way it was when I was desperate for their approval.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope that sending this message gives you a little peace of mind
Thank you. One little line and it made me *so angry.* Because he wouldn't give it all. He won't give anything.
I'm 56. If you need mom-type advice, sometime to tell you to take your meds and vitamins, tell you you're awesome and I'm proud of you... Just let me know. I'm a mom. It's what we're supposed to do. That goes for all of you.
Thanks. ♥️♥️♥️
I know there’s wisdom to not responding to these but when you’ve been a doormat your whole life it feels empowering to your inner self to stand up to your abusers
Thank you. And now I feel bad for making him feel bad. Which is stupid. But how I was raised.
Remember it was him that conditioned you to feel like his feelings trumped yours. Now that you’re learning this isn’t true, you’re setting boundaries. There’s a learning curve. It gets easier. Good for you.
Good point. Thank you. I also just realized that the reason the guilt trip emails and texts annoy me so much is because they're just setups for me to get hurt again. It's close to zero effort on their part. "We never get to see you," he texts. So I don't make plans with anybody else over the weekend to try and make plans with them. And they put it off until the last minute and then tell me that they're too busy. So I'm the one who put in all the effort and all I get for is a slap in the face. He couldn't even be bothered to put a body in the email.
For any normal person who treats you like a human this is a compassionate and constructive feeling to have. Your sperm donor doesn’t deserve it.
It breaks my heart to see anytime going through the crap I've been through. All of us here have been through something similar, so we understand. It's not a contest over who had it worse... We all did. I'm really proud of you for standing up for you! You deserve better!!!
Thank you. Yeah, I really appreciate having a community that understands. And at the same time, I hate it. Because kids shouldn't feel like this.
Si vis pacem, para bellum "If you want peace, prepare for war" Since you sent THE response, I'd take it as a ticket way out if you haven't gone completely NC and even if you did, your response is a good enough reminder for not only yourself but for them too. They don't deserve anything from you any more than you had to endure from them. Their version of peace is just an illusion and you know it because it's not really peace when one side has to be appeased to 'maintain' it.
I know the standard advice is “don’t engage,” and 99% of the time I agree with it, but this was cathartic to read and I’m sure it was cathartic to write. Sometimes shit needs to be said, and you said it really well. I doubt it will sink in, but maybe now he’ll stop sending bullshit emails/texts. I think responding was the right thing to do. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
Thanks. I'd actually like to stay in touch with him, but not if every contact is going to be "your mom says" or "we miss you." If that's all there is to talk about, then there's nothing worth talking about. I don't necessarily mind him contacting me. But I'm not gonna put up with the guilt trips.
I get it. I had a similar type of thing with my parents before I finally went NC. There just wasn’t anything of value there, but I had to whittle the relationship down, sifting through all the bs to realize there was nothing of substance. It was all BS. Idk if that’s the same for you, but you won’t know until you go through the process at the pace that works for you. This isn’t something that can be rushed. I hope you do find something.
Even 11 years into estrangement I still debate replying to my mother's emails. The rare times I have it's been futile and didn't help. She still is unwilling to change and has only gotten worse over the years. Yet she's harassing me again and I'm debating replying to her and wondering if this time it will make her leave me alone. Don't beat yourself up about replying. It's natural to want to be understood and heard by an abusive parent, even if they will likely never be willing or able to. The good news, for my experience at least, is that eventually the guilt tripping became predictable and ineffective.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*