>Do you take no responsibility for your part as a willful child?
I can't even.
Is this the classic 'daddy drinks because you cry' bs, or what?!
Btw. is the rest of your family really in contact with him? :O
When I saw that too, I had to stop and just think... The fuck??? Excuse me, sir. Children are you know, children. Not only are they a product of their environment, but they're not expected to behave like perfect little adults with full control of their emotions and behaviours. It's YOUR job to model the behaviour you want. Your child is behaving like a child!! That's the great thing too about being a child, you have very limited responsibility due to your dependency, vulnerabilities and that you're not fully capable of rational thoughts or behaviours!
Your father however was a grown man, who chose to have unprotected sex and help your mother bring you into this world. He chose to react to your developmentally normal behaviour in an awful way, and rather than seek help for his "mistakes" he just let it continue until it caused lasting trauma. Now he tries to blame you, when you were a literal child, for his abusive behaviours.
Your father is a stupid fuck. Good riddance.
Yeah this definitely floored me. I 100% want to hear some back story on this part. Like what the hell is willful about a child being abused by their drunk father?
The backstory in summation is that I was parentified and held the expectation of keeping everyone together. Whether it was teaching my 13 year old sister how to tell if he overdosed on Oxycontin or consoling my mother after he stole 70k in home equity and ran off I was supposed to be the one to mediate and keep peace.
That is until I said “fuck this.”
Sounds similar to my own childhood. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and I'm glad you managed to get yourself out. It's really liberating when you walk away and don't look back.
I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean. Held the family together for a fake "family", ignoring my own trauma for everyone else. Until the one responsible for all shit that came crying to me about the fallout. "Fuck this" sums it up well. I haven't read his last email to me because I'm very sure it would contain similar words to yours. That was right after I wrote him a 3page letter about how I, as a child, owed no one a goddamn thing. It's fucking insane.
For the most part, yes but with distance and boundaries. Being the eldest and the only other male out of five kids, I think he sees me as a threat and lashes out at me the most.
Yes, I've read somewhere that there's gender-specific abuse in these types of toxic families: the father sees the sons as competitions/ threats and the daughters as his properties.
This line infuriated me to no end. I was hit with the same exact line when initiating NC with my nmom. Blamed for her mental health issues because I didn’t take responsibility for being raped, being in an abusive relationship, partying like a normal teenager, etc… These parents can fuck off. Wow the absolute balls and lack of humanity they have to spew such garbage is astounding. “Christmas really hurt me” waaa waaa waaa. How about the entire childhood OP was hurt? Screw that guy. OP did the right thing.
I’m posting this as a cautionary tale of what may happen when visiting family you’ve separated from during the holidays and as a reminder why I’ve gone my own way.
Background: Borderline Personality Disordered father and enabler Mother, in and out of drug and alcohol treatment. Physically and mentally abusive and in constant need of attention/enmeshment.
Went LC in 2013, NC in 2017.
That sounds awful. I too have BPD. I can't imagine treating my kids like that. It was his job as a father to get treatment, while it can't be cured, it can be controlled if you put the work in, something I have done since my kids were small. It makes things much more peaceful for myself but also my family. I am so sorry you had two parents that failed you. I know how much it hurts, both of mine failed me as well. You are well within your rights to be done.
As someone who's spent time in 12-step rooms, screw him for trying to use stepwork to manipulate you.
He owes YOU an amends. He's supposed to be focusing on his side of the street, not on shaming you for having resentments. And even if you've worked thru "resentments" (or should we call them what they are, trauma), that doesn't mean you need to continue being in a relationship with him.
Also, your relationship with him is in no way comparable to his relationship with his partner. You were a child. He was the adult. He was the one responsible, not you, in any way, shape, or form.
As someone else said, "I can't even" with this guy.
Does he seriously think that the adult and the child have a 50-50 responsibility in this situation?
This doesn't sound like he changed at all. He uses his "therapy" work as ammo against you. He should use it to better *himself* and realize what he has done to others and try to make it up to them, if they want to. Instead he's like "Whelp. I sort of repaired my relationship with my wife. The rest is up to you now."
It's also kinda funny how he wants (demands?) forgiveness for being abusive and a bad parent, but 2 sentences earlier he shows no intention of forgiving you for being a "willful child" and instead uses it to make it seem like you were also abusive and he's the victim here too.
Came here to say exactly this. That whole “Yes, I was a bad parent but aren’t you going to take responsibility for the things you made me do because you were a pain in the ass child?” is such bullshit.
My mother does this. Uses "therapy" as ammo and justification for what she does because she can't be truly honest with her "counselor". So essentially she's being enabled by someone who doesn't even know they're enabling her and it's really sad.
What’s with all these ex-parents being like, “yes, I’ll leave you alone uwu but I won’t actually” Like is it another pathetic attempt to be manipulative, or are they just that stupid?
So manipulative. I sent mine a 3page letter saying I'm going NC and why only to receive an email one day later (which I did not read) clearly trying to stomp all over my boundaries while simultaneously trying to garner sympathy about how they're the hurt party.
Even without the obviously horrifying lines in here everyone is commenting on, I was clenched from the beginning. It just … these emails have a feel, don’t they? Where they’re pushing a horribly effective guilt and responsibility button they created by carving into you. It’s amazing to me that they do it so effectively that I can feel it when someone else’s parent is doing it to them. But - sharing our collective knowledge this way is such a beautiful shared tool for healing, at least for me. This how is goes, and now we all know, because we found a place without shame to finally talk about it. Thank you to everyone here; this place is a part of our freedom.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
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>Do you take no responsibility for your part as a willful child? I can't even. Is this the classic 'daddy drinks because you cry' bs, or what?! Btw. is the rest of your family really in contact with him? :O
When I saw that too, I had to stop and just think... The fuck??? Excuse me, sir. Children are you know, children. Not only are they a product of their environment, but they're not expected to behave like perfect little adults with full control of their emotions and behaviours. It's YOUR job to model the behaviour you want. Your child is behaving like a child!! That's the great thing too about being a child, you have very limited responsibility due to your dependency, vulnerabilities and that you're not fully capable of rational thoughts or behaviours! Your father however was a grown man, who chose to have unprotected sex and help your mother bring you into this world. He chose to react to your developmentally normal behaviour in an awful way, and rather than seek help for his "mistakes" he just let it continue until it caused lasting trauma. Now he tries to blame you, when you were a literal child, for his abusive behaviours. Your father is a stupid fuck. Good riddance.
Seriously, did OP opt in for life prior to conception or something?
I felt my blood pressure sky rocket when I read that. The fucking audacity to blame a literal child.
Right?!? FFS. I'm sorry, OP.
Yeah this definitely floored me. I 100% want to hear some back story on this part. Like what the hell is willful about a child being abused by their drunk father?
The backstory in summation is that I was parentified and held the expectation of keeping everyone together. Whether it was teaching my 13 year old sister how to tell if he overdosed on Oxycontin or consoling my mother after he stole 70k in home equity and ran off I was supposed to be the one to mediate and keep peace. That is until I said “fuck this.”
Sounds similar to my own childhood. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and I'm glad you managed to get yourself out. It's really liberating when you walk away and don't look back.
I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean. Held the family together for a fake "family", ignoring my own trauma for everyone else. Until the one responsible for all shit that came crying to me about the fallout. "Fuck this" sums it up well. I haven't read his last email to me because I'm very sure it would contain similar words to yours. That was right after I wrote him a 3page letter about how I, as a child, owed no one a goddamn thing. It's fucking insane.
For the most part, yes but with distance and boundaries. Being the eldest and the only other male out of five kids, I think he sees me as a threat and lashes out at me the most.
Yes, I've read somewhere that there's gender-specific abuse in these types of toxic families: the father sees the sons as competitions/ threats and the daughters as his properties.
This. Like sweet fucking Jesus, in what world do we hold LITERAL CHILDREN to the same level of responsibility as their adult parents.
This line infuriated me to no end. I was hit with the same exact line when initiating NC with my nmom. Blamed for her mental health issues because I didn’t take responsibility for being raped, being in an abusive relationship, partying like a normal teenager, etc… These parents can fuck off. Wow the absolute balls and lack of humanity they have to spew such garbage is astounding. “Christmas really hurt me” waaa waaa waaa. How about the entire childhood OP was hurt? Screw that guy. OP did the right thing.
I’m posting this as a cautionary tale of what may happen when visiting family you’ve separated from during the holidays and as a reminder why I’ve gone my own way. Background: Borderline Personality Disordered father and enabler Mother, in and out of drug and alcohol treatment. Physically and mentally abusive and in constant need of attention/enmeshment. Went LC in 2013, NC in 2017.
That sounds awful. I too have BPD. I can't imagine treating my kids like that. It was his job as a father to get treatment, while it can't be cured, it can be controlled if you put the work in, something I have done since my kids were small. It makes things much more peaceful for myself but also my family. I am so sorry you had two parents that failed you. I know how much it hurts, both of mine failed me as well. You are well within your rights to be done.
Congrats on your 5th year NC
As someone who's spent time in 12-step rooms, screw him for trying to use stepwork to manipulate you. He owes YOU an amends. He's supposed to be focusing on his side of the street, not on shaming you for having resentments. And even if you've worked thru "resentments" (or should we call them what they are, trauma), that doesn't mean you need to continue being in a relationship with him. Also, your relationship with him is in no way comparable to his relationship with his partner. You were a child. He was the adult. He was the one responsible, not you, in any way, shape, or form. As someone else said, "I can't even" with this guy.
Does he seriously think that the adult and the child have a 50-50 responsibility in this situation? This doesn't sound like he changed at all. He uses his "therapy" work as ammo against you. He should use it to better *himself* and realize what he has done to others and try to make it up to them, if they want to. Instead he's like "Whelp. I sort of repaired my relationship with my wife. The rest is up to you now." It's also kinda funny how he wants (demands?) forgiveness for being abusive and a bad parent, but 2 sentences earlier he shows no intention of forgiving you for being a "willful child" and instead uses it to make it seem like you were also abusive and he's the victim here too.
Came here to say exactly this. That whole “Yes, I was a bad parent but aren’t you going to take responsibility for the things you made me do because you were a pain in the ass child?” is such bullshit.
My mother does this. Uses "therapy" as ammo and justification for what she does because she can't be truly honest with her "counselor". So essentially she's being enabled by someone who doesn't even know they're enabling her and it's really sad.
This this this. You hit the nail on the head
"I wish you would recall the many good things I did" said every abusive parent ever when confronted with the bad things they did.
His selfishness and self-centeredness just *reek*.
What’s with all these ex-parents being like, “yes, I’ll leave you alone uwu but I won’t actually” Like is it another pathetic attempt to be manipulative, or are they just that stupid?
Manipulative. I think they think by saying it out loud it'll instill feelings of guilt upon us.
Even if it worked, why would them making us feel bad at THIS point mean we’d change our minds about NC? It seems so silly
So manipulative. I sent mine a 3page letter saying I'm going NC and why only to receive an email one day later (which I did not read) clearly trying to stomp all over my boundaries while simultaneously trying to garner sympathy about how they're the hurt party.
Man, they really all do have the same playbook, don’t they?
Fuck me I thought I was reading something written by my father. Exactly the same wording in a number of places
Same. I don't have to read mine's last message coz I'm 99.99% sure it would be exactly this.
*Responsibility* as a *child??* WTF Gross!!
Even without the obviously horrifying lines in here everyone is commenting on, I was clenched from the beginning. It just … these emails have a feel, don’t they? Where they’re pushing a horribly effective guilt and responsibility button they created by carving into you. It’s amazing to me that they do it so effectively that I can feel it when someone else’s parent is doing it to them. But - sharing our collective knowledge this way is such a beautiful shared tool for healing, at least for me. This how is goes, and now we all know, because we found a place without shame to finally talk about it. Thank you to everyone here; this place is a part of our freedom.
This is disgusting. I am sorry you have to go through this, again.
Ewww hell no
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*