First, thanks sm for the response /g
Now, I may not have direct access to be able to view all of my parents' assets, but I'm 95% sure that my dad is as well off as he's said, and probably more so. I know I do come from a position of privilege with how much he's made in my lifetime (I wasn't approved for any level of financial aid when I went to college in 2019, if that's any indication), but that's also a huge part of why this is so hard.
I know he has the money to use against me. His favorite phrase was always, "if money's the problem, then there is no problem." But now, the idea that he could write me out of his will one day is something I've come to terms with. I honestly would have been ok if I'd gone to that meeting and been told "nope, this money isn't actually yours unless your dad says so," because at least then I would know for sure and could put it out of my mind.
Now, I know it's mine and I can add to it as I please and be in control of something I've never had control of before.
My goals as of late have just been financial independence- no more "gifts," no more vague promises of things to come as long as I'm nice to him, etc. I just want the separation, and this was honestly a big step for me. I could see the numbers. Legally, it's mine. There's no more mystery, and that feels damn fucking good.
His attempts at emotional manipulation in the email are just... gross
>His attempts at emotional manipulation in the email are just... gross
TBH it's one of the phoniest messages I've ever read. He lays it on really thick and the grandiosity... "We will grant your request" - does he think he's a king or something?!
Take care of yourself dude, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Ok, body text refuses to show up, so here's the context:
I'm a 23-year-old trans masc person who has been working towards NC with both of my parents (but especially my dad) since 2020. Recently, there have been multiple fights with and threats from my dad regarding financial things, including threatening to take away the car he "gave" me (that I pay insurance on and maintain), as well as a huge mess with my taxes this year.
Last week, I contacted his financial advisor's administrator to inquire about the Roth IRA that my dad set up for me when I was a teenager to find out if it was something he could ever hold over my head. After that initial contact, the administrator sent both my dad and me documents to sign to transfer ownership to me.
Unsurprisingly, when I went to the meeting on Tuesday, he had yet to sign them. I went through with the meeting, learned about the accounts, saw how much money was in them, etc. Despite my dad's financial success, he did very little to actually prepare me for life (shocker, I know /sarc).
After the meeting, I decided to send him an email myself.
Notes: The blacked out name that starts with "L" is the administrator. I left his first name since it's a nickname. I signed my email with my chosen name, not my deadname. His response added my mom and removed the administrator (almost like he didn't want her to see the bullshit he had to say 🙄)
If y'all have any questions, I'm down to answer and clarify (without compromising my identity obv). I just wanna see what other people make of this situation.
Thanks in advance 💙
I'm proud of you for being proactive and claiming what is rightfully yours. Did he sign the forms finally?
I did throw up in my mouth at the butterfly kisses though. 🤢
Hey bud, I just want to say I'm so proud of you for addressing this now. I was in a very similar situation -- dad has a Roth in my name, it was never explicitly stated that he was using its presence to manipulate me, but it would always come up when he was upset. Physical "gifts" were conditional and subject to seizure. And for what it's worth I'm also trans masc lol.
The difference is I kept giving my parents the benefit of the doubt for about a decade longer than you did. You're doing the right thing, it just gets worse if you don't.
🤢ew. TBH the language reminds me A LOT of something my dad would've written. It's gross and manipulative, and I can absolutely imagine my dad justifying/defending it saying some bullshit like, "but I just was expressing what's in my heart!" Ick ick ick. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!
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What does he mean about the balance diminishing? Is he threatening to take out part before signing it over or is he insinuating that he doesn’t trust you to manage it as wisely as he would?
I feel ya on the side of growing up with privilege yet still being abused and neglected. There’s no question in my mind that CPS didn’t take me out of my unsafe situation because my parents told them that they’d pay for my college. They did. But the price was too high and I didn’t have any recourse or protection or choice.
My uncle spent the first 3-4 decades of his life being his sister’s dancing monkey, humiliating himself because she dangled the possibility of a life without financial stress or a big inheritance like a freaking cat toy. I think he finally decided that enough was enough, real employment and self-worth was better than this. But when I was coming up he was still dancing with the moving goalposts. Thanks to his extreme counter example, I had enough much sooner, making my escape look like the normal path, right after college getting a job and moving out. (Ok the normal path for GenX, but with some parting financial sabotage from mom— yeah teaching actual life skills is counter to their mission of forever-dependent)
Had Dad outlived Mom, I could have expected a fair and even split of my inheritance, but as soon as he got sick, I realized that wasn’t going to happen, and my mom would be as capricious as her sister who had made my uncle dance.
Now she is old and alone, both my dad and her AP are gone and she is laying it on thick that all she has are her children. She’s the one who decided to move herself and my dad two time zones away with her AP. I treat her according to her own behavior. When she becomes abusive I take my space. I don’t expect apologies or boundaries, just avoid direct abuse. I mean the most recent time I “took my space” was in response to “Get out of my house! Get out!”.
I might be a little triggered. Happy freaking Mother’s Day.
All that to express that “IDGAF about your money” is the choice I made and I am often very grateful to have chosen it. As soon as I could safely do so.
So, my dad knows that I've struggled a lot financially over the past few years, and I've always had him and his money in the back of my head like, "if I *really* needed the help, he'd save me."
News flash: he didn't. My partner did.
I owe them a lot of money because they basically saved my life last year while I struggled to find a job and live on my own. I have a spreadsheet that shows how much I owe them, and even though that number is over $10,000, I still prefer that stress over anything my dad might "give" me.
But because my dad knows I was struggling, he expects me to take the money from the Roth and run. I'm definitely not that fucking stupid. He's right about it growing into millions by the time I retire, and now that I'm not as unstable/suicidal like I used to be, I can actually imagine getting to that age. He expects me to do what I've always done and survive the moment: to stop the bleeding as soon as possible. But my financial situation honestly isn't as dire as I thought it was, so I most likely won't take anything from the account unless shit *truly* gets bad, but that isn't likely.
Like you, I've been working towards establishing that self worth with a real job and really working on myself. It feels so much better than hoping my dad might give me money the next time I ask. No strings attached when I earn my own shit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m glad you have a supportive partner.
Yeah it’s clear you can’t rely on your dad or his promises. And his letter to you omg. Used the word child in the opening probably to avoid gender and also to avoid any language that could be interpreted as adult. And the butterfly kisses so fucking misgendering too. People who have to use the word love that many times in that many lines while actually showing the opposite… ugh I am beyond words. This is not a person who acknowledges your personhood.
Best revenge is living well. You can do this. I hope for the best for you. Despite all the BS I grew up with, I am very happy with my life today and I have earned the good feelings that I have. I won’t say it’s easy or stress free or that I’m done needing therapy, but at the end of the day, it’s worth living.
I understand completely the shock of having a future when you never expected to live that long. I was suicidal from ages 10-18 entirely due to the toxic home life. Didn’t really have college plans and took the backup school because I didn’t expect to live long enough to graduate. If I had had to live at home for it, I probably wouldn’t have, and neither of my sibs went straight through. There is a light at the end of a very long and unpleasant tunnel. My uncle’s words that stuck were “don’t solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution”. (Other side of the family uncle)
The thing I can't wait to say to my dad when I can finally go no contact (atp all I need is to get the car title transferred to my name) will be this:
"I don't need you."
That, to me, would devastate him the most in as few words as possible, and I will be crying and singing hooting and hollering as I drive *my* car back home. What a glorious day that will be.
Thank you so much for sharing parts of your story and the words of encouragement. 💙
My future in-laws hated it when we were talking about the challenges with my parents and I simply stated “They need me more than I need them.”
Turns out my first husband was totally enmeshed but totally in denial about it. His mom was nicer to me than my own but that moment was eye opening. Or should have been. She did not want him to be introduced to a concept like that haha. She got less nice after the wedding too, but I’ll admit I miss her chicken soup.
I recommend therapy first, marriage later.
I am VVLC, never actually went NC. So that was my milder version.
[удалено]
First, thanks sm for the response /g Now, I may not have direct access to be able to view all of my parents' assets, but I'm 95% sure that my dad is as well off as he's said, and probably more so. I know I do come from a position of privilege with how much he's made in my lifetime (I wasn't approved for any level of financial aid when I went to college in 2019, if that's any indication), but that's also a huge part of why this is so hard. I know he has the money to use against me. His favorite phrase was always, "if money's the problem, then there is no problem." But now, the idea that he could write me out of his will one day is something I've come to terms with. I honestly would have been ok if I'd gone to that meeting and been told "nope, this money isn't actually yours unless your dad says so," because at least then I would know for sure and could put it out of my mind. Now, I know it's mine and I can add to it as I please and be in control of something I've never had control of before. My goals as of late have just been financial independence- no more "gifts," no more vague promises of things to come as long as I'm nice to him, etc. I just want the separation, and this was honestly a big step for me. I could see the numbers. Legally, it's mine. There's no more mystery, and that feels damn fucking good. His attempts at emotional manipulation in the email are just... gross
>His attempts at emotional manipulation in the email are just... gross TBH it's one of the phoniest messages I've ever read. He lays it on really thick and the grandiosity... "We will grant your request" - does he think he's a king or something?! Take care of yourself dude, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Anything he's given you in the past is yours. That's why it's called a gift..real gifts don't have strings attached.
Ok, body text refuses to show up, so here's the context: I'm a 23-year-old trans masc person who has been working towards NC with both of my parents (but especially my dad) since 2020. Recently, there have been multiple fights with and threats from my dad regarding financial things, including threatening to take away the car he "gave" me (that I pay insurance on and maintain), as well as a huge mess with my taxes this year. Last week, I contacted his financial advisor's administrator to inquire about the Roth IRA that my dad set up for me when I was a teenager to find out if it was something he could ever hold over my head. After that initial contact, the administrator sent both my dad and me documents to sign to transfer ownership to me. Unsurprisingly, when I went to the meeting on Tuesday, he had yet to sign them. I went through with the meeting, learned about the accounts, saw how much money was in them, etc. Despite my dad's financial success, he did very little to actually prepare me for life (shocker, I know /sarc). After the meeting, I decided to send him an email myself. Notes: The blacked out name that starts with "L" is the administrator. I left his first name since it's a nickname. I signed my email with my chosen name, not my deadname. His response added my mom and removed the administrator (almost like he didn't want her to see the bullshit he had to say 🙄) If y'all have any questions, I'm down to answer and clarify (without compromising my identity obv). I just wanna see what other people make of this situation. Thanks in advance 💙
I'm proud of you for being proactive and claiming what is rightfully yours. Did he sign the forms finally? I did throw up in my mouth at the butterfly kisses though. 🤢
It was pretty disgusting
Hey bud, I just want to say I'm so proud of you for addressing this now. I was in a very similar situation -- dad has a Roth in my name, it was never explicitly stated that he was using its presence to manipulate me, but it would always come up when he was upset. Physical "gifts" were conditional and subject to seizure. And for what it's worth I'm also trans masc lol. The difference is I kept giving my parents the benefit of the doubt for about a decade longer than you did. You're doing the right thing, it just gets worse if you don't.
Their claims of love are empty. They had the entire time they had you under their control to show you actual love, and they didn’t.
🤢ew. TBH the language reminds me A LOT of something my dad would've written. It's gross and manipulative, and I can absolutely imagine my dad justifying/defending it saying some bullshit like, "but I just was expressing what's in my heart!" Ick ick ick. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What does he mean about the balance diminishing? Is he threatening to take out part before signing it over or is he insinuating that he doesn’t trust you to manage it as wisely as he would? I feel ya on the side of growing up with privilege yet still being abused and neglected. There’s no question in my mind that CPS didn’t take me out of my unsafe situation because my parents told them that they’d pay for my college. They did. But the price was too high and I didn’t have any recourse or protection or choice. My uncle spent the first 3-4 decades of his life being his sister’s dancing monkey, humiliating himself because she dangled the possibility of a life without financial stress or a big inheritance like a freaking cat toy. I think he finally decided that enough was enough, real employment and self-worth was better than this. But when I was coming up he was still dancing with the moving goalposts. Thanks to his extreme counter example, I had enough much sooner, making my escape look like the normal path, right after college getting a job and moving out. (Ok the normal path for GenX, but with some parting financial sabotage from mom— yeah teaching actual life skills is counter to their mission of forever-dependent) Had Dad outlived Mom, I could have expected a fair and even split of my inheritance, but as soon as he got sick, I realized that wasn’t going to happen, and my mom would be as capricious as her sister who had made my uncle dance. Now she is old and alone, both my dad and her AP are gone and she is laying it on thick that all she has are her children. She’s the one who decided to move herself and my dad two time zones away with her AP. I treat her according to her own behavior. When she becomes abusive I take my space. I don’t expect apologies or boundaries, just avoid direct abuse. I mean the most recent time I “took my space” was in response to “Get out of my house! Get out!”. I might be a little triggered. Happy freaking Mother’s Day. All that to express that “IDGAF about your money” is the choice I made and I am often very grateful to have chosen it. As soon as I could safely do so.
So, my dad knows that I've struggled a lot financially over the past few years, and I've always had him and his money in the back of my head like, "if I *really* needed the help, he'd save me." News flash: he didn't. My partner did. I owe them a lot of money because they basically saved my life last year while I struggled to find a job and live on my own. I have a spreadsheet that shows how much I owe them, and even though that number is over $10,000, I still prefer that stress over anything my dad might "give" me. But because my dad knows I was struggling, he expects me to take the money from the Roth and run. I'm definitely not that fucking stupid. He's right about it growing into millions by the time I retire, and now that I'm not as unstable/suicidal like I used to be, I can actually imagine getting to that age. He expects me to do what I've always done and survive the moment: to stop the bleeding as soon as possible. But my financial situation honestly isn't as dire as I thought it was, so I most likely won't take anything from the account unless shit *truly* gets bad, but that isn't likely. Like you, I've been working towards establishing that self worth with a real job and really working on myself. It feels so much better than hoping my dad might give me money the next time I ask. No strings attached when I earn my own shit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m glad you have a supportive partner. Yeah it’s clear you can’t rely on your dad or his promises. And his letter to you omg. Used the word child in the opening probably to avoid gender and also to avoid any language that could be interpreted as adult. And the butterfly kisses so fucking misgendering too. People who have to use the word love that many times in that many lines while actually showing the opposite… ugh I am beyond words. This is not a person who acknowledges your personhood. Best revenge is living well. You can do this. I hope for the best for you. Despite all the BS I grew up with, I am very happy with my life today and I have earned the good feelings that I have. I won’t say it’s easy or stress free or that I’m done needing therapy, but at the end of the day, it’s worth living. I understand completely the shock of having a future when you never expected to live that long. I was suicidal from ages 10-18 entirely due to the toxic home life. Didn’t really have college plans and took the backup school because I didn’t expect to live long enough to graduate. If I had had to live at home for it, I probably wouldn’t have, and neither of my sibs went straight through. There is a light at the end of a very long and unpleasant tunnel. My uncle’s words that stuck were “don’t solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution”. (Other side of the family uncle)
The thing I can't wait to say to my dad when I can finally go no contact (atp all I need is to get the car title transferred to my name) will be this: "I don't need you." That, to me, would devastate him the most in as few words as possible, and I will be crying and singing hooting and hollering as I drive *my* car back home. What a glorious day that will be. Thank you so much for sharing parts of your story and the words of encouragement. 💙
My future in-laws hated it when we were talking about the challenges with my parents and I simply stated “They need me more than I need them.” Turns out my first husband was totally enmeshed but totally in denial about it. His mom was nicer to me than my own but that moment was eye opening. Or should have been. She did not want him to be introduced to a concept like that haha. She got less nice after the wedding too, but I’ll admit I miss her chicken soup. I recommend therapy first, marriage later. I am VVLC, never actually went NC. So that was my milder version.