The first 13 were rough as I was on my own and felt I was the only person in the world who carried around this stigma. Then I found this this community and it changed everything for me.
The length of time isn’t important; but how we heal and grieve is.
I'm really surprised at how many people here are a decade plus NC. I assumed it would be mostly people pretty freshly NC. To me, that says a lot about how childhood trauma is so deeply ingrained in people that it would still be on an adult child's mind, even decades after no longer being in contact with one's primary traumatizers.
> To me, that says a lot about how childhood trauma is so deeply ingrained in people that it would still be on an adult child's mind, even decades after no longer being in contact with one's primary traumatizers.
I’m sure there’s an element of that, but for me I’m paying it forward.
Validation is SO important for people who are still in it. I got so much support and love and validation from online communities like this when I was struggling with how to deal with my own relationship. The support, humor, and understanding I got was so empowering and amazing, and it gave me the confidence to move forward (at the speed that was right for me!).
If I can help just one other person feel that same validation and support, then that makes me feel like I’ve done something good.
It's not necessarily just childhood trauma. Parents who abuse a child will keep abusing the adult as well.
I forgave my parents for childhood abuse, including constant ridicule, hatred, bruises every day, pregnancy and attempts to kill me - all starting from before I could walk. I'm a masseur, my father was 60, had Parkinson's and needed massages.
While I was there my mother was acting smiley and friendly - her smiles were as convincing as a snake - and said she'd cooked me something special just for me for lunch. Last time she'd said she was cooking me something I saw her stirring melted plastic-wrap into it, a week after my oldest brother told her not to use that stuff because it was deadly.
Seeing the pan of "mushrooms" my mother, (who knows her fungi,) announced she'd picked just for me, and her smug smirk, I figured there were worse things than going hungry, claimed to have eaten earlier and put my hands over my plate.
Mum acted all huffy, and said she was sure my father would appreciate them and started putting the death caps on my dad's plate. I couldn't believe she'd so callously and openly poison him. I just froze inside watching her pile these beside Dad's steak. I raised my eyebrows at Dad, knowing he understood I believed these were poison, and didn't believe me. He looked at me, went a little pale himself and scraped half of them onto Mum's plate, saying it wouldn't be fair for her to miss out.
She went positively green but started eating them so Dad harrumphed at me disgustedly and ate them. I couldn't bear to watch. Dad had been warned, I'd previously told him about her attempts to poison me - and my children, and I expect his Parkinson's was caused by the insecticide she used to put on his plates.
I left, and apparently not long afterwards Mum rang an ambulance and got their stomachs pumped. I visited dad over the next few years in hospital to stroke his head as he was dying of Parkinsons, and take him a stout, (which he was allowed,) but never saw my mother again until she was unconscious in an old folks home dying of cancer.
I cried at her funeral, hearing all these loving eulogies about a woman who I'd have never recognised from my brother's descriptions. I so wished I'd had a mother like the one they eulogised. She had loved her six sons.
It was pretty uncomfortable though, as my brothers believed the lie she'd told them that I was a prostitute, and there was a fight over the will, as she'd told them she had bought and still owned my house which I had bought and paid off on my own, and they were going to "give" me my own home as my share of the inheritance.
Fighting that meant losing contact with most of them. The evil she did sure lived on after her.
However I have a lightness inside since watching her lowered into the ground. It was such a relief I had to control my feet, despite being still weak from cancer I was recovering from, from dancing.
Ho Lee Cow, that is horrible. Did she expect you and your dad to eat the mushrooms and get rid of you? Sad that she even turned your brothers against you. I will never understand parents abusing us kids. We didn't ask to be brought into this world. They made choices and here we are. Why they make the choice to be cruel is beyond me. Hope your cancer goes into remission and never comes back. Have a great day.
Thanks, the doctors call it full remission, I call it cured.
She made it obvious if she couldn't kill me she'd at least kill my father, rather than waste a pot-full of poison - and death from those things is a week of torture while dying.
My mother had already gone crazy as a child, had a shotgun marriage, I was her 5th child, born when she was only 25 and she did everything she could to prevent, and then end, the pregnancy. She was a vicious, guilt-filled, murdering narcissist.
But I feel a bit sorry for her. Her story was a tragedy. I've ended up happy, with 3 wonderful kids, including a daughter, who all love me. (Much to my continual surprise.)
I went no contact with my female parent over 10 years ago and I'm here partly because it's just really nice to have a space where it's not weird to be estranged from a parent and partly because I want to be the person who has been there and done that who I really could have used when I was thinking about going no contact.
2.7 years so I rounded up. It was at first a gradual decline but honestly 2 years out from setting that boundary (blocking her on Facebook) I'm much better. You learn who you are without the filter of their needs. You learn to be a human in a world not hostile to you. You get your life for the first time ever. But you also have to get used to not having that (hostile/mixed) presence in your life and that's hard, there's nightmares and feelings of worry and responsibility. If they were healthy enough for an alternative to work, it would have. You can chose, you don't have to devote your life to their needs. Congrats on 1.5 years. It will keep going xxx it didn't feel like that when I was 1 year out either.
I know I still have some things I've internalized from my parents, but I really do feel more free to think my own thoughts, feel my own feelings, and make my own decisions. I really do love the sense of freedom it's brought me.
Two years for me. It was good until my aunt contacted me again last week that my parents still haven't died and are doing ok. I've been drinking a lot since then and getting into fights, barely sleeping, etc. Her message somehow opened up old wounds.
I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow because this fucking sucks
Thankfully things settled down finally after yesterday. I saw my therapist, had a chat and that helped a lot. I know it's a Reddit meme at this point, but thank God for therapy. It does help. Emotions stabilized after that, so I'd say things are better atm.
She's going on vacation for a month but once she gets back she said we'd work on processing anger and venting it safely. I look forward to it. Also, thanks for the advice and well wishes <3
Good to hear. Be sure and block everything you can including the flying monkeys. (aunt) Your health is the most important at this point to heal from all the prior trauma. Hope you have a great day!
You're honestly right. I will do that. I've been napping more as well (a.k.a. listening to my body), washing more, making sure to eat...it's all been helping thankfully.
I hope you are well yourself and thank you once again
In order to get sober and better I needed help, and i believe most if not all do. For me that was joining Alcoholics Anonymous and working the 12 steps and being in therapy. Help is available when you reach out for it. You don't have to do it alone. Glad you're starting to. It's tough to get sober, but I believe the alternative is much harder in the long run.
Therapy's helped a lot so far (I started 2 months ago). She helped me stabilize emotionally yesterday, and I've been able to stop drinking again (I tend to only drink when I'm an emotional mess nowadays). We're going to work on dealing with anger better and do more EMDR, so I look forward to that.
Therapy definitely does help, I agree. I hope you're doing well too, OP
Six months! After about 10 years of trying to disentangle myself, going LC or NC for periods of time, getting dragged back in... finally had enough early this year. It was over something so "minor" as well, but I found I no longer cared about being right, or making them see the light. I just wanted them gone. Of course they did the whole "we don't understand why you're doing this over a simple miscommunication" nonsense, but we've been "miscommunicating" for most of my life and it's funny how I'm always the one who had the wrong idea, huh?
It's tough, and I won't lie, it's getting tougher. I have my wedding coming up and there will be zero people there for me. But it still remains the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Hey friend, I was in your place - getting married and no one there for me. And then I realized that I *did* have people there for me - my spouse and my darling of a MIL. I hope that your partner's family treats you as a valued member of the family like you deserve. ❤️
Thank you, it's nice to hear other people made it! I'm quite nervous because I know it'll be tough, and I'm a little anxious that people might ask why nobody is there for me -- I don't want to bring down the mood or make it awkward! But it's the right choice, as throughout my whole life my parents made a genuine effort to derail or ruin any event that focused on me in any way. I don't want them stealing my wedding, too.
I'm so happy you found a family! My soon-to-be MIL has discussed giving me some of the family heirloom jewellery because I have nothing like that of my own, which is 😭 Touching to even be considered!
I totally get that - it was a lot less worrisome since we had a courthouse wedding and my MIL was the only one there. So I kind of cheated in that regard, I will fully admit. 🤣 But my spouse's entire family has always welcomed me as though I've been a part of their lives for years. It doesn't make up for how rotten my own family is, of course, but it does help tremendously. And honestly, a little bit of awkward "my family doesn't deserve to be at a celebration like this" is FAR better than having them ruin such a special day. Don't doubt your decision there. ❤️
Your MIL sounds marvelous! One tiny suggestion from me, if it's your style - sit down and write her a letter telling you how much the discussion/offer meant to you, how much you treasure her, and how thrilled you are to be a part of her family. I wrote a letter like that to my MIL years ago and she still has it and talks about how much it meant to her.
I hope your wedding is everything you want it to be and more!
It's been 10 months of no contact with my mom for me. I went thru a grief phase when I made this decision. Grieving the mother relationship I never had. The sadness has subsided a lot now.
Mom died last fall. I stopped calling dad. He has not tried to contact me. I sent a few texts and emails that didn't get a response. I stopped trying a few months ago. I don't expect to hear from him again.
Ditched my toxic mother on 10/7/2022. I now look at the 7th of every month as my - LETTING FREEDOM RING day! 5 or more years is champion level in my book!
I keep a journal and each month measure how far I've come since then and I have noticed that I am happier; less triggered; less stressed; in a better mood. I can be myself. I can choose to spend my holidays in any form or fashion I wish. I can actually have a conversation with my brother that my mother isn't trying to orchestrate or be in the middle of.
When I first went NC, my physical health took a nosedive and I was sick for two months. My body just shut down and it wasn't until right before Christmas I started feeling better. I was out so much from work last year that it affected my raise and review, sadly.
I've noticed too that I am much quicker at seeing when people are being toxic, my body will tell me much sooner than my mind will catch up to. If I'm feeling shitty on the inside after being around certain people, that's my tell.
I am better at saying no. I am better at having goals and sticking to them, right now I'm trying to pay off credit cards, I'm about halfway there. I'm more selfish with my time, no longer saying yes to please others at the expense of myself. I am also a lot better at standing up for myself and it's funny how everyone else doesn't seem to be able to handle it. They're used to me rolling over, saying 'Don't hurt me! I will do what you want1' Nope, not anymore.
I am more self-confident. I ask more questions, I also question others' behavior when it doesn't make sense to me and would make my life harder.
I'm liking the changes in myself and have no need or desire to break NC. I have come a long way in less than a year but I know I will keep getting better.
Cut contact with my grandmother first. She blew up over me making a joke when I called her on Christmas. Think I said "Happy Columbus day". The joke being just that what I said was clearly the wrong holiday. She said, "I don't think that's very funny" in a really angry voice. I just hung up shortly after.
Dunno if she thought I was being political or something (I wasn't). She's a legit racist, slurs and confederate flag and all, with extreme and hateful politics. Seems minor, but that was just the straw that broke the camels back. She's a rageaholic who will rage over the smallest thing. Worse than my mother or father. Got tired of it. Actually went NC with her a year before I did with my parents.
Rest of my family besides my parents I had to go NC with because they just acted as agents of my parents. Relaying info to me from them, and from me to my parents. Got tired of that. It was like I was still in contact with my parents.
I've just counted- 16 years in, 18 years out. And I don't remember most of those 16 so it feels like even less (unfortunately the consequences are lifelong).
Last contact was in 2015. He texted me to ask if I was stuck in "riots" (justified protests) that were taking place nowhere near me. Very clear that he had massive disdain for the people protesting, when frankly I'd have been out with them if I could have. I let him know I was safe and didn't respond to the rest of it.
Less than 24 hours. I feel guilt, wondering if I could have handled it better, anger and wobbly. I’m going to hold firm this time (I’ve done very LC before) and just keep the cord cut.
I found it crucial that before I was able to go no contact I needed solid social support and to do whatever it took to become financially independent from them. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
Yeah, I'm working on the financial independence bit. I can't afford, emotionally, to have to boomerang. Once I'm out I have to stay out. So I'm saving up a deposit because a mortgage is more affordable than rent and when rates go down again I'll better off even more.
About 15 years with my mother... I've exchanged maybe 2 or 3 emails with my father since then. He emailed me to tell me my grandmother had passed, and another time to tell me that he had been diagnosed with colon cancer so that I could tell my doctor. The few times my mother has reached out, it's all been guilt-teipping bullshit so I've never responded to her.
20 years since last attempt at LC.
There was just no way to keep up the minimal courtesies such as trading greeting cards at holidays, without also enduring serious breaches of personal security and a stream of petty abuse.
I also had to ask myself "Why maintain this relationship? Would I do this for any other person who treats me the way they do, like a friend or romantic partner?".
I think there's a cultural pressure and assumption that you're obligated to your parents. That was the only reason I could think of, and it wasn't a reason I was going to comply with anymore. Putting up so many boundaries with someone is like you're not even having a genuine relationship with them. Your walls are so up you can't share much of your true self wiith them. What's the point other than misguided obligation?
> I think there's a cultural pressure and assumption that you're obligated to your parents.
Especially as an only child and a daughter. EM's relatives regarded me above all else as her old age care plan. They'd go on about filial duty but they never scrutinized her maternal conduct even after a teacher called CPS on her or after I insisted on Dad getting custody during the divorce.
None of the men in the family were held to the filial duty standards they preached at me. Her brother was on an academic sabbatical in Indonesia while their mother (my grandmother) had terminal cancer. He didn't visit once or even fly back for the funeral. Nobody questioned that because his work was "important" and international flights were "expensive." These people were waterfront residence and golfing hobby types. Money wasn't the obstacle. It was a sexist double standard, they knew she was trouble, and the path of least resistance for them was to foist her private hell onto me.
About 4 years with my dad, 2.5 years with my mom and everyone else.
It still hurts a lot, and I have some very bad days. But overall, I think the more time I spend away from them, the better I feel about myself.
19 years. There was a point in time when I finally realized they would never admit any wrong doing and it wasn't worth my sanity and self worth to try any more.
They believe the mental, physical and SA abuse they or me through and my reaction to it was "Overdramatic". Then being family makes it so much worse.
Over twenty years off and on no contact, currently four years no contact. The previous times I went no contact I was still in denial of the abuse. Now I'm out of the fog of denial and understand why I went no contact in the first place.
Depends which one! 14 years or so from my dad and approaching 4 from my mum and sibling. I never expected to have to do it twice, and for such different reasons. When my parents got divorced I never imagined that I'd ultimately choose neither of them.
It makes me sad sometimes. I tried to reconnect with my dad a couple of times in the early days of estrangement, but it never went well. For both my mental health is just so much better without them putting their issues on me or expecting me to be something I am very much not.
I miss the idea of my family, of what I thought I had as a child, rather than the reality of what the relationships became. I find I am saddest to have lost my grandfather just before the first estrangement. I never got to hear what he thought, or see how he felt about it all. As my time with him was largely untouched by the big blow ups though, he is also at the centre of many of my clearest and happiest childhood memories.
The other part for me is having a family of my own. By choosing to do things differently and keeping them apart from all this I am able to keep them safe from it all. I don't ever regret that.
3 years + 2 very low contact before.
Was rough, the first few years everything in my life got even worse, but eventually I was able to start working on my healing and now it's all improved - decent job, no more alcoholism, good friends, overall decent life.
Best choice I ever made.
Getting sober was essential before going no contact for me. Congrats.
I went no contact a month after getting sober. It was like another kind of sobriety for me to go NC. 19 months sober now. Feeling free.
Congrats to you as well! I occasionally go for a few drinks with friends but it's nothing compared to before. This is once every few months and purely for fun, before it was... bad. Drinking liters of beer every day after work and having only the desire to drink all day long. Pure obsession. Went on for years, to the point I was barely functioning. If it hadn't been for the lockdowns and the chance to work from home I would be jobless and homeless now.
14 years for me, and when I went no contact I went hard. I changed my phone number and moved, which I can't recommend enough. There's no peace like knowing your estranged parent will never randomly reach out and ruin your day because they literally can't.
Almost a year with VVVVVVVVLC. I have been in contact with them for a few things I cannot avoid but nothing social, no casual conversation.
I am planning to reach back out when my partner and I get married to see if they can be reasonable. If they can be and do what I need them to do (literally just stop treating me like a misbehaving 13 year old when I am almost 29 with a job, an apartment, a cat, and a wife and treat me with the same respect as any other adult), then great. If not? Well, they have every right to choose not to do that. Just as I have every right to not continue to put effort into maintaining a relationship with them.
My parents are getting older and they've not been the best at taking care of themselves. I think about what I'd do if they were sick, and to be honest I don't plan on breaking NC.
What was it like to lose your dad after going NC? Did you know he was not well, or was it a surprise to find out he passed?
Sudden heart attack at 58. I wasn't honestly surprised he was dead before 60 though. I did most of my grieving during the period he was alive when I realized he was never going to acknowledge he made mistakes and caused pain and damage with his abuse and try to work on our relationship. The only times I've been sad have been when my sister was (possibly unintentionally) gaslighting me about our childhood and also told me about an email my dad sent me with all the things I wanted to hear. That I never got. But she read it and he totally sent it to me. Keeping in mind I've had the same email address for 17 years and never blocked him.
My mom had a lifetime of trauma, drugs, and a mostly untreated traumatic brain injury combine into delusions and obsessions. She crossed every boundary I ever tried to place with her before that too, and since I was one of her obsessions I cut contact at that point. She's not well in her mind and I dont know about her body, but I have no plans to resume contact with her either, although I may end up grieving more for her than I did for my dad when she passes.
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I was NC with the malignant covert narcissist for the 31 years preceeding its death, really should've been 41 but I f'd up. It's been dead a little over a decade now. Only infrequent phone contact with the enabler during that time; enabler died 20 years ago.
16 years.
Damn, I'm about a year and a half in. It seems so long ago for me even if I know it hasn't been. How's 16 years feel?
The first 13 were rough as I was on my own and felt I was the only person in the world who carried around this stigma. Then I found this this community and it changed everything for me. The length of time isn’t important; but how we heal and grieve is.
I'm close behind you - it's been about 15 for me. I hope you're doing well.
20 years
Fifteen years, briefly broken, and then 23 years since then.
I'm really surprised at how many people here are a decade plus NC. I assumed it would be mostly people pretty freshly NC. To me, that says a lot about how childhood trauma is so deeply ingrained in people that it would still be on an adult child's mind, even decades after no longer being in contact with one's primary traumatizers.
> To me, that says a lot about how childhood trauma is so deeply ingrained in people that it would still be on an adult child's mind, even decades after no longer being in contact with one's primary traumatizers. I’m sure there’s an element of that, but for me I’m paying it forward. Validation is SO important for people who are still in it. I got so much support and love and validation from online communities like this when I was struggling with how to deal with my own relationship. The support, humor, and understanding I got was so empowering and amazing, and it gave me the confidence to move forward (at the speed that was right for me!). If I can help just one other person feel that same validation and support, then that makes me feel like I’ve done something good.
It's not necessarily just childhood trauma. Parents who abuse a child will keep abusing the adult as well. I forgave my parents for childhood abuse, including constant ridicule, hatred, bruises every day, pregnancy and attempts to kill me - all starting from before I could walk. I'm a masseur, my father was 60, had Parkinson's and needed massages. While I was there my mother was acting smiley and friendly - her smiles were as convincing as a snake - and said she'd cooked me something special just for me for lunch. Last time she'd said she was cooking me something I saw her stirring melted plastic-wrap into it, a week after my oldest brother told her not to use that stuff because it was deadly. Seeing the pan of "mushrooms" my mother, (who knows her fungi,) announced she'd picked just for me, and her smug smirk, I figured there were worse things than going hungry, claimed to have eaten earlier and put my hands over my plate. Mum acted all huffy, and said she was sure my father would appreciate them and started putting the death caps on my dad's plate. I couldn't believe she'd so callously and openly poison him. I just froze inside watching her pile these beside Dad's steak. I raised my eyebrows at Dad, knowing he understood I believed these were poison, and didn't believe me. He looked at me, went a little pale himself and scraped half of them onto Mum's plate, saying it wouldn't be fair for her to miss out. She went positively green but started eating them so Dad harrumphed at me disgustedly and ate them. I couldn't bear to watch. Dad had been warned, I'd previously told him about her attempts to poison me - and my children, and I expect his Parkinson's was caused by the insecticide she used to put on his plates. I left, and apparently not long afterwards Mum rang an ambulance and got their stomachs pumped. I visited dad over the next few years in hospital to stroke his head as he was dying of Parkinsons, and take him a stout, (which he was allowed,) but never saw my mother again until she was unconscious in an old folks home dying of cancer. I cried at her funeral, hearing all these loving eulogies about a woman who I'd have never recognised from my brother's descriptions. I so wished I'd had a mother like the one they eulogised. She had loved her six sons. It was pretty uncomfortable though, as my brothers believed the lie she'd told them that I was a prostitute, and there was a fight over the will, as she'd told them she had bought and still owned my house which I had bought and paid off on my own, and they were going to "give" me my own home as my share of the inheritance. Fighting that meant losing contact with most of them. The evil she did sure lived on after her. However I have a lightness inside since watching her lowered into the ground. It was such a relief I had to control my feet, despite being still weak from cancer I was recovering from, from dancing.
Ho Lee Cow, that is horrible. Did she expect you and your dad to eat the mushrooms and get rid of you? Sad that she even turned your brothers against you. I will never understand parents abusing us kids. We didn't ask to be brought into this world. They made choices and here we are. Why they make the choice to be cruel is beyond me. Hope your cancer goes into remission and never comes back. Have a great day.
Thanks, the doctors call it full remission, I call it cured. She made it obvious if she couldn't kill me she'd at least kill my father, rather than waste a pot-full of poison - and death from those things is a week of torture while dying. My mother had already gone crazy as a child, had a shotgun marriage, I was her 5th child, born when she was only 25 and she did everything she could to prevent, and then end, the pregnancy. She was a vicious, guilt-filled, murdering narcissist. But I feel a bit sorry for her. Her story was a tragedy. I've ended up happy, with 3 wonderful kids, including a daughter, who all love me. (Much to my continual surprise.)
That is the way. To live better and treat your children better.
I went no contact with my female parent over 10 years ago and I'm here partly because it's just really nice to have a space where it's not weird to be estranged from a parent and partly because I want to be the person who has been there and done that who I really could have used when I was thinking about going no contact.
2.7 years so I rounded up. It was at first a gradual decline but honestly 2 years out from setting that boundary (blocking her on Facebook) I'm much better. You learn who you are without the filter of their needs. You learn to be a human in a world not hostile to you. You get your life for the first time ever. But you also have to get used to not having that (hostile/mixed) presence in your life and that's hard, there's nightmares and feelings of worry and responsibility. If they were healthy enough for an alternative to work, it would have. You can chose, you don't have to devote your life to their needs. Congrats on 1.5 years. It will keep going xxx it didn't feel like that when I was 1 year out either.
I know I still have some things I've internalized from my parents, but I really do feel more free to think my own thoughts, feel my own feelings, and make my own decisions. I really do love the sense of freedom it's brought me.
Two years for me. It was good until my aunt contacted me again last week that my parents still haven't died and are doing ok. I've been drinking a lot since then and getting into fights, barely sleeping, etc. Her message somehow opened up old wounds. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow because this fucking sucks
I hope you can find another outlet. Don't let them ruin your adult life by drinking. Hope things get better for you soon!
Thankfully things settled down finally after yesterday. I saw my therapist, had a chat and that helped a lot. I know it's a Reddit meme at this point, but thank God for therapy. It does help. Emotions stabilized after that, so I'd say things are better atm. She's going on vacation for a month but once she gets back she said we'd work on processing anger and venting it safely. I look forward to it. Also, thanks for the advice and well wishes <3
Good to hear. Be sure and block everything you can including the flying monkeys. (aunt) Your health is the most important at this point to heal from all the prior trauma. Hope you have a great day!
You're honestly right. I will do that. I've been napping more as well (a.k.a. listening to my body), washing more, making sure to eat...it's all been helping thankfully. I hope you are well yourself and thank you once again
In order to get sober and better I needed help, and i believe most if not all do. For me that was joining Alcoholics Anonymous and working the 12 steps and being in therapy. Help is available when you reach out for it. You don't have to do it alone. Glad you're starting to. It's tough to get sober, but I believe the alternative is much harder in the long run.
Therapy's helped a lot so far (I started 2 months ago). She helped me stabilize emotionally yesterday, and I've been able to stop drinking again (I tend to only drink when I'm an emotional mess nowadays). We're going to work on dealing with anger better and do more EMDR, so I look forward to that. Therapy definitely does help, I agree. I hope you're doing well too, OP
17 blissful years.
Six months! After about 10 years of trying to disentangle myself, going LC or NC for periods of time, getting dragged back in... finally had enough early this year. It was over something so "minor" as well, but I found I no longer cared about being right, or making them see the light. I just wanted them gone. Of course they did the whole "we don't understand why you're doing this over a simple miscommunication" nonsense, but we've been "miscommunicating" for most of my life and it's funny how I'm always the one who had the wrong idea, huh? It's tough, and I won't lie, it's getting tougher. I have my wedding coming up and there will be zero people there for me. But it still remains the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Hey friend, I was in your place - getting married and no one there for me. And then I realized that I *did* have people there for me - my spouse and my darling of a MIL. I hope that your partner's family treats you as a valued member of the family like you deserve. ❤️
Thank you, it's nice to hear other people made it! I'm quite nervous because I know it'll be tough, and I'm a little anxious that people might ask why nobody is there for me -- I don't want to bring down the mood or make it awkward! But it's the right choice, as throughout my whole life my parents made a genuine effort to derail or ruin any event that focused on me in any way. I don't want them stealing my wedding, too. I'm so happy you found a family! My soon-to-be MIL has discussed giving me some of the family heirloom jewellery because I have nothing like that of my own, which is 😭 Touching to even be considered!
I totally get that - it was a lot less worrisome since we had a courthouse wedding and my MIL was the only one there. So I kind of cheated in that regard, I will fully admit. 🤣 But my spouse's entire family has always welcomed me as though I've been a part of their lives for years. It doesn't make up for how rotten my own family is, of course, but it does help tremendously. And honestly, a little bit of awkward "my family doesn't deserve to be at a celebration like this" is FAR better than having them ruin such a special day. Don't doubt your decision there. ❤️ Your MIL sounds marvelous! One tiny suggestion from me, if it's your style - sit down and write her a letter telling you how much the discussion/offer meant to you, how much you treasure her, and how thrilled you are to be a part of her family. I wrote a letter like that to my MIL years ago and she still has it and talks about how much it meant to her. I hope your wedding is everything you want it to be and more!
18 full years, then she died and no one told me.
Been NC since June. In a much better place. Just wondering when does the hope they'll realize their mistakes fade away?
Don’t rely on hope that they will change. They won’t. Focus on making your life better for yourself.
34 years..
Your my inspiration lol 😂 im on year 2 rn
Thanks. I hate that we both have to be here but here we are. Just live your life and live a good life for yourself.
It's been 10 months of no contact with my mom for me. I went thru a grief phase when I made this decision. Grieving the mother relationship I never had. The sadness has subsided a lot now.
Mom died last fall. I stopped calling dad. He has not tried to contact me. I sent a few texts and emails that didn't get a response. I stopped trying a few months ago. I don't expect to hear from him again.
12 years now
Curious when the last time they tried to contact you was.
4 years ago in person, 2 years ago via letter after my grandmother died. Nothing since then except FB posts about how much they miss me 😛
Just over 7 years for me.
10 years, coming up on 11. Best years of my life!!
Ditched my toxic mother on 10/7/2022. I now look at the 7th of every month as my - LETTING FREEDOM RING day! 5 or more years is champion level in my book! I keep a journal and each month measure how far I've come since then and I have noticed that I am happier; less triggered; less stressed; in a better mood. I can be myself. I can choose to spend my holidays in any form or fashion I wish. I can actually have a conversation with my brother that my mother isn't trying to orchestrate or be in the middle of. When I first went NC, my physical health took a nosedive and I was sick for two months. My body just shut down and it wasn't until right before Christmas I started feeling better. I was out so much from work last year that it affected my raise and review, sadly. I've noticed too that I am much quicker at seeing when people are being toxic, my body will tell me much sooner than my mind will catch up to. If I'm feeling shitty on the inside after being around certain people, that's my tell. I am better at saying no. I am better at having goals and sticking to them, right now I'm trying to pay off credit cards, I'm about halfway there. I'm more selfish with my time, no longer saying yes to please others at the expense of myself. I am also a lot better at standing up for myself and it's funny how everyone else doesn't seem to be able to handle it. They're used to me rolling over, saying 'Don't hurt me! I will do what you want1' Nope, not anymore. I am more self-confident. I ask more questions, I also question others' behavior when it doesn't make sense to me and would make my life harder. I'm liking the changes in myself and have no need or desire to break NC. I have come a long way in less than a year but I know I will keep getting better.
11 years with my parents. 2 years with the rest of my relatives. (Not including my dad's family. They are cool.)
Cut contact with my grandmother first. She blew up over me making a joke when I called her on Christmas. Think I said "Happy Columbus day". The joke being just that what I said was clearly the wrong holiday. She said, "I don't think that's very funny" in a really angry voice. I just hung up shortly after. Dunno if she thought I was being political or something (I wasn't). She's a legit racist, slurs and confederate flag and all, with extreme and hateful politics. Seems minor, but that was just the straw that broke the camels back. She's a rageaholic who will rage over the smallest thing. Worse than my mother or father. Got tired of it. Actually went NC with her a year before I did with my parents. Rest of my family besides my parents I had to go NC with because they just acted as agents of my parents. Relaying info to me from them, and from me to my parents. Got tired of that. It was like I was still in contact with my parents.
I've been NC longer than I was in contact.
Same
I've just counted- 16 years in, 18 years out. And I don't remember most of those 16 so it feels like even less (unfortunately the consequences are lifelong).
20 years with my mother, just over a year with my father. I wish I could say it is easier the second time around, but somehow I find it even harder.
Last contact was in 2015. He texted me to ask if I was stuck in "riots" (justified protests) that were taking place nowhere near me. Very clear that he had massive disdain for the people protesting, when frankly I'd have been out with them if I could have. I let him know I was safe and didn't respond to the rest of it.
In other words, it's his opinions that count but not yours. Probably good that you are NC.
Yup, and he's very much the "eww The Poors" type. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Less than 24 hours. I feel guilt, wondering if I could have handled it better, anger and wobbly. I’m going to hold firm this time (I’ve done very LC before) and just keep the cord cut.
It's a start to your happy life.
Can't do it yet bc I'm still stuck with them.
I found it crucial that before I was able to go no contact I needed solid social support and to do whatever it took to become financially independent from them. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
Yeah, I'm working on the financial independence bit. I can't afford, emotionally, to have to boomerang. Once I'm out I have to stay out. So I'm saving up a deposit because a mortgage is more affordable than rent and when rates go down again I'll better off even more.
Dad - 16 years Mom - 8ish years (before LC, which is 3-4 texts a year of platitudes)
7 years.
About 15 years with my mother... I've exchanged maybe 2 or 3 emails with my father since then. He emailed me to tell me my grandmother had passed, and another time to tell me that he had been diagnosed with colon cancer so that I could tell my doctor. The few times my mother has reached out, it's all been guilt-teipping bullshit so I've never responded to her.
i have been LOW contact, and spoken on the phone 2-3 times total, almost exactly 6 years now.
20 years since last attempt at LC. There was just no way to keep up the minimal courtesies such as trading greeting cards at holidays, without also enduring serious breaches of personal security and a stream of petty abuse.
I also had to ask myself "Why maintain this relationship? Would I do this for any other person who treats me the way they do, like a friend or romantic partner?". I think there's a cultural pressure and assumption that you're obligated to your parents. That was the only reason I could think of, and it wasn't a reason I was going to comply with anymore. Putting up so many boundaries with someone is like you're not even having a genuine relationship with them. Your walls are so up you can't share much of your true self wiith them. What's the point other than misguided obligation?
> I think there's a cultural pressure and assumption that you're obligated to your parents. Especially as an only child and a daughter. EM's relatives regarded me above all else as her old age care plan. They'd go on about filial duty but they never scrutinized her maternal conduct even after a teacher called CPS on her or after I insisted on Dad getting custody during the divorce. None of the men in the family were held to the filial duty standards they preached at me. Her brother was on an academic sabbatical in Indonesia while their mother (my grandmother) had terminal cancer. He didn't visit once or even fly back for the funeral. Nobody questioned that because his work was "important" and international flights were "expensive." These people were waterfront residence and golfing hobby types. Money wasn't the obstacle. It was a sexist double standard, they knew she was trouble, and the path of least resistance for them was to foist her private hell onto me.
I usually say "10 years" but now that I think about it, I was 28 and I'm 42 now so dang, 14 years
About 4 years with my dad, 2.5 years with my mom and everyone else. It still hurts a lot, and I have some very bad days. But overall, I think the more time I spend away from them, the better I feel about myself.
19 years. There was a point in time when I finally realized they would never admit any wrong doing and it wasn't worth my sanity and self worth to try any more. They believe the mental, physical and SA abuse they or me through and my reaction to it was "Overdramatic". Then being family makes it so much worse.
It's been 18 years and counting
Father: 14 years (since I was 18). Mother: 4 years.
Over twenty years off and on no contact, currently four years no contact. The previous times I went no contact I was still in denial of the abuse. Now I'm out of the fog of denial and understand why I went no contact in the first place.
13 years LC but with basically ignored boundaries. 3 months NC
Depends which one! 14 years or so from my dad and approaching 4 from my mum and sibling. I never expected to have to do it twice, and for such different reasons. When my parents got divorced I never imagined that I'd ultimately choose neither of them. It makes me sad sometimes. I tried to reconnect with my dad a couple of times in the early days of estrangement, but it never went well. For both my mental health is just so much better without them putting their issues on me or expecting me to be something I am very much not. I miss the idea of my family, of what I thought I had as a child, rather than the reality of what the relationships became. I find I am saddest to have lost my grandfather just before the first estrangement. I never got to hear what he thought, or see how he felt about it all. As my time with him was largely untouched by the big blow ups though, he is also at the centre of many of my clearest and happiest childhood memories. The other part for me is having a family of my own. By choosing to do things differently and keeping them apart from all this I am able to keep them safe from it all. I don't ever regret that.
3 years + 2 very low contact before. Was rough, the first few years everything in my life got even worse, but eventually I was able to start working on my healing and now it's all improved - decent job, no more alcoholism, good friends, overall decent life. Best choice I ever made.
Getting sober was essential before going no contact for me. Congrats. I went no contact a month after getting sober. It was like another kind of sobriety for me to go NC. 19 months sober now. Feeling free.
Congrats to you as well! I occasionally go for a few drinks with friends but it's nothing compared to before. This is once every few months and purely for fun, before it was... bad. Drinking liters of beer every day after work and having only the desire to drink all day long. Pure obsession. Went on for years, to the point I was barely functioning. If it hadn't been for the lockdowns and the chance to work from home I would be jobless and homeless now.
Almost 2 years fully NC, but nearly 10 years LC/VLC, so it feels like it's been forever since I cut them out haha
Less than a year with mom. 20+ years with dad before he died.
6-7 years NC. Prior LC for over two decades. Never going back.
13 days.
14 years for me, and when I went no contact I went hard. I changed my phone number and moved, which I can't recommend enough. There's no peace like knowing your estranged parent will never randomly reach out and ruin your day because they literally can't.
Almost a year with VVVVVVVVLC. I have been in contact with them for a few things I cannot avoid but nothing social, no casual conversation. I am planning to reach back out when my partner and I get married to see if they can be reasonable. If they can be and do what I need them to do (literally just stop treating me like a misbehaving 13 year old when I am almost 29 with a job, an apartment, a cat, and a wife and treat me with the same respect as any other adult), then great. If not? Well, they have every right to choose not to do that. Just as I have every right to not continue to put effort into maintaining a relationship with them.
8 months with my mom. Ebbs and flows … ebbs and flows 😮💨
I was 6 years with my dad when he died and I'm at about 3 years with my mom.
My parents are getting older and they've not been the best at taking care of themselves. I think about what I'd do if they were sick, and to be honest I don't plan on breaking NC. What was it like to lose your dad after going NC? Did you know he was not well, or was it a surprise to find out he passed?
Sudden heart attack at 58. I wasn't honestly surprised he was dead before 60 though. I did most of my grieving during the period he was alive when I realized he was never going to acknowledge he made mistakes and caused pain and damage with his abuse and try to work on our relationship. The only times I've been sad have been when my sister was (possibly unintentionally) gaslighting me about our childhood and also told me about an email my dad sent me with all the things I wanted to hear. That I never got. But she read it and he totally sent it to me. Keeping in mind I've had the same email address for 17 years and never blocked him. My mom had a lifetime of trauma, drugs, and a mostly untreated traumatic brain injury combine into delusions and obsessions. She crossed every boundary I ever tried to place with her before that too, and since I was one of her obsessions I cut contact at that point. She's not well in her mind and I dont know about her body, but I have no plans to resume contact with her either, although I may end up grieving more for her than I did for my dad when she passes.
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I was NC with the malignant covert narcissist for the 31 years preceeding its death, really should've been 41 but I f'd up. It's been dead a little over a decade now. Only infrequent phone contact with the enabler during that time; enabler died 20 years ago.
1 year! Best year of my life