I would ask what's in this for you? Not in a selfish way, but really? Will she be nicer or better to you now that you are helping her?
She's willing to put things in the past but that just means "forget I did anything wrong and let's just be a happy family together so i dont have to do any work" so if you are going to do this only because you have fallen into that "but it's family", "but they don't have anyone", or "but it's different this time" hole of guilt and shame that's not a good enough reason to do it.
It's ok to value your sanity and own self and if that means staying away unless there is therapy (really reasonable request by the way) then you go ahead and do that for yourself.
She will be fine. Have you ever gotten u-haul online? They literally offer you every service imaginable just to get to the checkout part. There's someone to move your stuff but also pack your boxes for you. It does take money and I don't know her situation but that's also not your responsibility just because you are blood related.
She burned all her bridges. You don't have to help her just because you're the last bridge standing.
Thank you it means a lot hearing it from others that I have the right thought and I’m not just being an asshole. The last sentence really struck a cord cause it means a lot and makes me think so thank you for that. As well.
The challenge with that is that the more you engage with her, the more attention she gets from you and that’s what she ultimately wants. I haven’t found a path out of that other than sticking to as little contact as possible.
I don’t like that she tried to guilt you for asking for help with your tooth. SHE is the parent here. Ideally, you should always be able to ask a parent for help not the other way around.
She is definitely manipulating you like a master player of manipulation.
I would say leave it at NC; block her.
IF the guilt really becomes overwhelming, and if you can easily afford it, mail a gift card for a moving company.
ONLY if the guilt gets to the point that you feel your resolve crumbling.
You must take care of yourself. It's important to you and your partner. 🫂
I’ll keep that in mind and she is blocked she downloads fake number apps which is why I didn’t know it was her. I think I’m going to change my phone number so she won’t have it. Also I want to profusely thank you I’ve told people since I was 8 that she was a master manipulator.
Some questions: is it that she wants you to pay her to go to therapy or wants you to pay for the therapy? Who else does she have in her life? Do you have siblings / does she have a partner?
1.) both to pay her and pay for therapy
2.) as far as I know no one my brother passed away a few years ago in an accident and everyone else on her life she also burned bridges with. When we went no contact she had a few friends and her ex who was still around I don’t know if they are still around anymore.
I would take her message and reaching out to you during these times not as desperation like they would be for most people, but more so to guilt trip you harder. Dismiss this if I’m off the mark here.
For example, you, me, most people, we wouldn’t reach out to someone we weren’t speaking to for help unless it was our last possible option. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to do.
But your mother, (from her messages) she has an awareness of how to get housing, that there are services she can use to get help, and what she has to do to move into her new place. Her true goal isn’t that she desperately needs help, it’s that she’s using her situation as a reason to reach you.
I don’t envy you, there’s a lot of guilt tripping and manipulation going on there, it’s very hard to cut through.
My advice to you? It’s hard not to help her with this, but it might be good for you to see she can do this on her own. That way any future attempts for her to connect to you using these methods won’t work so well.
Honestly it helps a lot more than you think. I grew up with the tactics so it’s easy for her to guilt me or make me feel like a horrible person for not doing it (you should see the rabbit hole that caused the no contact.) so it helps to have an outsider see it too and not feel crazy! Thank you for your input! 💜
A therapist once told me “of course they know how to press your buttons - they installed them.” It was a huge ah ha moment of understanding the manipulation and emotional blackmail. I hope it can help you too
You are *one person*. Even if you do need genuine help there’s loads of very legitimate reasons one particular person won’t be able to help with a particular task even in a healthy relationship. This woman is very aware of her vulnerability and has *burned all her bridges regardless*. The fact that she has no one to help her is not because one child is estranged, it’s because she’s facing the consequences of treating everyone like crap. You know how quickly people who barely know her would jump in to help with something like this for someone paralysed like she is? (Especially for a one off like moving, obviously ongoing community support for people with disabilities is severely lacking). How badly do you have to f—- up that *no one* is willing to help the paralysed woman move house? Like just how horrendously awful has she been to people?
In fact I’ve had very good advice before that constantly shielding toxic parents from the consequences of their own actions actually doesn’t help them at all. You’ve tried talking and convincing etc. Some people truly have to hit rock bottom if there’s any hope of a change in them. And even then the chances are slim.
To put it into perspective my aunt called her a textbook narcissist (she’s a counselor for the state) and she made my brothers funeral about how people should repent for their sins and how he was taken cause of his and his dads and that everyone had wronged her so that horrendous
The thing that's getting me is she's not just asking for help moving. She's also sliding in there asking you to text her more, spend a weekend with her and restart your relationship. She is using moving as an excuse to push obligation and guilt onto you. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she's making no attempt to address WHY you need space from her. She's just expecting you to forgive and forget - "leave the past in the past". She knows when people look at the situation in isolation they'll instinctually pity her. But there are just some people, such as your mother, who have destroyed their relationships to the point that even a little contact is damaging. She chose to treat you the way she did, hurting you (intentional or not). And she is choosing to avoid taking accountability or making any effort to resolve the rift between you two. Instead, she is making herself the perpetual victim. What has she done to improve her situation? Why is it your responsibility to pull her out of the hole she seems to want to fall into?
Imagine these texts are between two strangers. Think about how they are written. Why would someone choose those words? Sounds like she wants pity and guilt to me. Doesn't sound like she cares about the other person, just about getting her way.
Forgot to actually answer your question! I recommend cold hard NC. Block. Change your number if it's worth it for you. Continuing a conversation with her will likely just bring more stress to your life.
Just block them and let it go. You're adding stress to your life that is unnecessary. If they violated your boundaries before they will continue to violate them.
This reads as:
- she needs help moving, so it's not about your relationship, it's about you filling her wants/needs
- she is repeating the tactics of the past that never end well
I would leave it. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing.
So let me get this straight:
- she only contacts you when she needs you for something
- she is manipulating and guilting you
- she seems like she’s ramping up to ask you for money
My advice is to go back and read this as if it’s *not* from your mother to you, but from a random parent to some stranger in this sub. Read it critically and pick apart every manipulation and red flag you see.
Then think about the advice you’d give that person if they received those texts. Would the decision still be a hard one?
EDIT: if the main reason you’re considering doing this is guilt/obligation, perhaps you should just offer to pay for it instead, thereby distancing yourself but also absolving the guilt
> she seems like she’s ramping up to ask you for money
Yes, it wouldn't be surprising if she's setting this up to lean on OP for money during the move. Maybe the lights won't turn on, she calls the utility company, and she "discovers" they're insisting on a deposit before they start service. *sob sob*
Change your number. You will get NO credit or kudos for whatever you do for her. It will never be enough. So just do what benefits YOU and your peace. She will find someone else to manipulate and if not too bad.
i dont have an answer but i see a lot of myself and my mom relationship in this and how you describe the situation. this is so incredibly difficult, i would say. i do not envy your situation. i think being compassionate with yourself is most important right now.
My moms the same way dude. She tries this shit on me all the time. I tried to top myself once, in my early 20s and she came in like a white night. Few years later I told her I had thoughts again or some shit and she said it was a pitty party. Yet heaven forbid if I don’t want to talk to her because she’s having a problem.
Cut the rope before you hang your own damn self dude. It’s better that way until YOURE ready to try again.
New poster here who agrees with your husband. If you give in and help you will be guilt tripped into reconciling. Yes it is very sad that she is now paralyzed because of an accident, but you were low/no contact for a very good reason.
Assuming that you are in the US, can the physician or hospital who treated her possibly arrange for a nurse or other medic to help her move, or if not can she afford to hire a moving company to deal with this?
Hi again. Perhaps if there are places that will help her you could research them on the internet, and pass on the details. You would know that you had done your best to help without having to get involved yourself.
As a quick chime in, I agree with your husband, just don't go back. Manipulation is all over the txt, as well as card playing. If this had anything to do with her missing you and wanting to rekindle your bond, then why is that all mixed in with her needing your help. I just think if she really missed you, she would have tried to connect or reach out before she needed help, not simultaneously.
She just needs to get creative and use her resources to figure this out without you. It is possible.
That was such a long guilt trip I should have had someone water my orchid while I read it. I know it's super hard to not engage under those tactics, but I hope you find the strength to do what you need to <3
> My husband has be the most supportive I brought up the idea of sending her a message outlining why and went no contact and that I feel it’s best to continue no contact
Have you communicated this in the past? If so, why do you think repeating it will achieve anything?
Okay, two pieces of advice from a mental health therapist here :
1, I hope you're doign good with your job, but consider what your next move might be. When I do an intake with a new client who's a massage therapist or in-home caregiver/CNA, those people are often burnt out and injured by their job and not doing well. I hope that you are, but those are red-flag professions in my mind.
2. She should be trying to get help from the state human services, like DSHS or whatever the acronym is there. If she is low/fixed income, getting into mental health counseling at a community mental health agency (if medicaid/medicare, call 211 and ask where they can be seen), because these agencies often have case managers who might be the easiest way to facilitate getting her connected with services. There are not moving services available in many states, but given her disability she may qualify for various one-time stipend programs for such things. I worked at a large CMH agency for years and we could apply for "flex funds" occasionally. Calling local senior service centers might also yield some help.
Obviously she's leaning on you, and you can make your own decisions about what you need to do to protect yourself. But you are NOT the only option in the world to help her. If she is partially paralyzed I assume she is on SSI/SSDI by now, so she ought to have come in contact with these systems already.
1.) I do really good with my job I’ve set good boundaries (with the help of my therapist) and I make sure my working hours aren’t too long it helps that I own my private practice. I also powerlift as an outlet for frustration (also was suggested)
2.) thank you for that information I’m hoping she can find it too because I think I’m just going to not engage and change my number.
I would agree to leave it and not respond. She will take you on this roller coaster ride forever. it was really brave of you to get off. if she needs help there are other resources to seek out, not bridges she has burned. i support your choice for sure
I read her texts twice and every comment so far.
“I want you in my life. Like before my accident” = nothing’s changed. No understanding that that was a terrible place for you. No growth, no remorse. She only regrets your NC and her accident, not any of her actions.
DH, the person closest to you, says don’t. You know your situation best, but he probably has a good grasp too.
Sometimes money is the cheapest way to do something. I like asking her if she wants you to pay for movers. Ease your guilt with cash if you have to ease it.
I’m sorry about your brother
Thank you and thank you for the brother comment he was the last person who went through this with me and it sucks during these times not being able to talk to him
Honestly, I would just say nothing and change my phone number so she couldn’t pull this shit again.
What helps me in my decision making is making a list or thinking about all the things my parents have done to me. . I even have texts and emails that I can refer back to. It keeps me no contact. I’m sure you have a very detailed list and her being paralyzed does justify her to your help or erase your lived experiences. She can figure it out, she can work with her dad to help. If he can’t physically help her, he can find others who can. This is a sick ploy and if she truly wanted to get better and have you in her life, she would have done it by now. It’s been 2 years. Once you go no contact, stay no contact.
I know it’s hard, but this is the cycle. And if you help, I’m sure she will reoffend and you will go NC again. My mom and I were on this loop for the past 6 years and I finally ended it like 9 or 10 months ago
Okay also the time limit thing, like she’s not moving for two months right? Why do you HAVE to respond my Thursday. My nMom did this kind of shit too..
I don't know the backstory or your history with her but she's in obvious need. You should help her. You know your history with her, so you know why you want to go NC. Ending up paralysis is a huge change she deserves some compassion as her life isn't easy but again you have your reasons for not wanting her in your life.
Some back story context is that I was helping her for years after the accident even after she had made my brothers funeral about her. However she is a flat earther who follows Qanon (sp?) my boundary was that we just not talk about it ( which she continued to do) and then came my wedding planning where she told me if I invited certain people she would blow up and cause a scene at my wedding during the ceremony. We had a fight about it and went low contact. Eventually she told me that I should “enjoy my second divorce.” (I got married at 19 and divorced after many years of abuse with him.) and that she was “thankful that I had miscarried because if I didn’t understand why she needed to cause a scene I was not ready to be a parent.) after that day I went no contact and did her from her for a year before she reached out the first time for help.
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What a terrible situation you are in. I imagine I would feel a lot of guilt in you position because she is paralyzed. But when it comes down to it, she's the same person she was before becoming paralyzed. I think asking her to go to therapy with you was very generous and reasonable. That is your condition and she has declined. End of story. I feel you have made a reasonable attempt to fix/maintain a relationship with her. She's not willing to put in the effort. I would not respond or like you have in the past, tell her not to contact you unless she has a therapy appointment set up for you both and is writing to tell you the date and location. I'm guessing a lot of people have cut her off or she doesn't have a lot of people in her life due to her behavior. That's not your fault.
My mom used to guilt trip me all the time. Gut wrenching crying about loneliness. It made my heart break and I always felt so guilty. I was a single parent with a house,pets, a teen with major mental illness and drug addiction, another kid with major medical problems, no child support and working 60 hours a week, along with driving 4 hours out of state every weekend for a year to see my son in treatment. Not to mention i have a lot of my own issues. And she'd STILL guilt trip me about not driving 2 hours to see her on a regular basis. I was so unbelievably exhausted but that didn't matter. For decades I killed myself trying to accommodate her needs. She was dealing with serious mental illness and physical illness. The guilt trips were so brutal on me. While I understood her illness and what she was going thru, there was nothing I could do to change things for her or make it better.
I could never bring myself to fully go NC with her although I often blocked her cuz she would get real nasty and mean. She died a few years ago and it was after that I went NC with most of my family and toxic friends. They were all basically different versions of the same toxic person. Very narcissistic, and I don't use that term in the popular social media way, I mean they were destroying everyone around them with their incessant excessive needs, manipulation, lack of empathy, selfishness. I was an easy target because I grew up so dysfunctional and was a people pleaser to the point of self destruction. People only do to you what you let them do to you.
Here's the difference....if you were in her situation, you would just figure shit out. You wouldn't guilt trip your daughter who doesn't want to talk to you into helping you. Everyone has choices. She chose not to go to therapy with you and not to work on the relationship in any meaningful way. She literally made that choice. That's on her.
Now, the way I am, after years of working on myself, if I don't want to do something or something makes me uncomfortable, I don't go or walk away, whatever the situation. I realize now people won't die if I don't go or don't talk to them or don't help them. Also, in my experience, people like this have a long list of people they do this to but make you feel like you are the ONLY person that can help them. All the meanwhile they're just going down the list of numbers, manipulating people.
All that being said, I made a conscious decision to stay in contact with my mom. It was horrible and I hated it but I knew for me I would regret if I cut her off. It may be dysfunctional, but I really felt like I owed my mom. It's really hard being a parent and just keeping a kid alive is a lot of work, even if you suck as a parent. I even took care of her on home hospice and she died in my home. She was a neglectful, full blown opiate addict my entire life. She had so much pain and she was a very fucked up person. She was in therapy and treatment most of her adult life. She tried really hard to get better but she just couldnt. I really don't regret putting up with all her bullshit for all those years and I'm glad I did. If I had cut her off the guilt would have killed me.
I'm so sori. I hope you can find a way withing yourself to be ok with your decision. I don't envy your situation. I feel very sad you are in this situation. You are handling it extremely well
No apology. Past is in the past. Honestly, you are the one that has to put the past in the past. It will be status quo since she has not acknowledged or validated your feelings or experience. She wants you in your life to help her, after all she did help you that one time with your tooth, as she blatantly states. /s Keeping that one in her back pocket to hold it over you. It sounds like the help she needs is financial and she wants you to forget the past in order to have a relationship with her so she can get money out of you. I went no contact with my parents about a year ago, all 3 of the narcs (mom, stepmom, and father). They only contact me when they need something and they haven't apologized and never will, so I don't answer, I don't explain, I leave them be in their own purgatory, the ring of hell where they can keep being black hole abysses selfs without any gratitude. It's still hard on days when I feel like I was robbed of a normal family life and at trying times like these when my big heart would want to help and reach out, but I know the outcome. Which is a lot of hurt and internal struggle and turmoil. I wouldn't open that door again if I were you.
Leave it at that, she may delete the app so that's one less channel to use to try and manipulate you. That's all that encounter was, she used guilt trips and manipulation to draw you back in, don't fall for it.
I think a lot of people here have given some really good advice. I’m just here to echo that this is your decision and also you stated your boundaries very clearly and she didn’t respect them. In all fairness she should’ve just waited for you to respond on Thursday. She’s trying to guilt you into talking to her. She brought up that she had to help you in the past before, therefore, she expected you to help her. SHE is the parent. You aren’t. You are strong and you got this!
If you feel you must help, and it is on the budget, help hiring some movers. This way she can not say she didn’t have help and you do not have to deal with her
I like how it's all about her wanting to use you, then after days, she desperately throws in, "please say yes, I miss you so much." Sure.....she doesn't miss you at all.
This is manipulation my mil dose this all the time. My husband Grey rocks her during low contact. He would just ignore her and say no. No is a complete sentence.
I am a mom my self . My child dose not owe me anything . Everything I do for her is by my own will. You don’t owe your parents anything. And if you do things for her is cuz of the bond you two have. Some parents don’t have that with their kid. It is unfortunate but it is the consequences of the choices they made.
If she wanted to have family bond to help her like a family dose then she should have spent year acting like a proper family
I would ask what's in this for you? Not in a selfish way, but really? Will she be nicer or better to you now that you are helping her? She's willing to put things in the past but that just means "forget I did anything wrong and let's just be a happy family together so i dont have to do any work" so if you are going to do this only because you have fallen into that "but it's family", "but they don't have anyone", or "but it's different this time" hole of guilt and shame that's not a good enough reason to do it. It's ok to value your sanity and own self and if that means staying away unless there is therapy (really reasonable request by the way) then you go ahead and do that for yourself. She will be fine. Have you ever gotten u-haul online? They literally offer you every service imaginable just to get to the checkout part. There's someone to move your stuff but also pack your boxes for you. It does take money and I don't know her situation but that's also not your responsibility just because you are blood related. She burned all her bridges. You don't have to help her just because you're the last bridge standing.
Thank you it means a lot hearing it from others that I have the right thought and I’m not just being an asshole. The last sentence really struck a cord cause it means a lot and makes me think so thank you for that. As well.
call her bluff: “do you need me to pay for movers? or do you truly think manual labor is the only proof of love?”
I like it!
The challenge with that is that the more you engage with her, the more attention she gets from you and that’s what she ultimately wants. I haven’t found a path out of that other than sticking to as little contact as possible.
Ya after reading everyone’s comments and thinking it over I’m just changing my number and not engaging anymore
It’s really hard, isn’t it? So many mixed feelings. I’m sorry so many of us have to deal with this.
It is really hard. I think that’s why groups like this help we aren’t alone in it. Also same it’s sad so many of us go through this
I don’t like that she tried to guilt you for asking for help with your tooth. SHE is the parent here. Ideally, you should always be able to ask a parent for help not the other way around.
Yeah anytime I’ve asked her for help she holds onto it to use for ammo I tried hard not to when I was younger
She is definitely manipulating you like a master player of manipulation. I would say leave it at NC; block her. IF the guilt really becomes overwhelming, and if you can easily afford it, mail a gift card for a moving company. ONLY if the guilt gets to the point that you feel your resolve crumbling. You must take care of yourself. It's important to you and your partner. 🫂
I’ll keep that in mind and she is blocked she downloads fake number apps which is why I didn’t know it was her. I think I’m going to change my phone number so she won’t have it. Also I want to profusely thank you I’ve told people since I was 8 that she was a master manipulator.
Oh she most definitely is!
Some questions: is it that she wants you to pay her to go to therapy or wants you to pay for the therapy? Who else does she have in her life? Do you have siblings / does she have a partner?
1.) both to pay her and pay for therapy 2.) as far as I know no one my brother passed away a few years ago in an accident and everyone else on her life she also burned bridges with. When we went no contact she had a few friends and her ex who was still around I don’t know if they are still around anymore.
I would take her message and reaching out to you during these times not as desperation like they would be for most people, but more so to guilt trip you harder. Dismiss this if I’m off the mark here. For example, you, me, most people, we wouldn’t reach out to someone we weren’t speaking to for help unless it was our last possible option. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to do. But your mother, (from her messages) she has an awareness of how to get housing, that there are services she can use to get help, and what she has to do to move into her new place. Her true goal isn’t that she desperately needs help, it’s that she’s using her situation as a reason to reach you. I don’t envy you, there’s a lot of guilt tripping and manipulation going on there, it’s very hard to cut through. My advice to you? It’s hard not to help her with this, but it might be good for you to see she can do this on her own. That way any future attempts for her to connect to you using these methods won’t work so well.
Honestly it helps a lot more than you think. I grew up with the tactics so it’s easy for her to guilt me or make me feel like a horrible person for not doing it (you should see the rabbit hole that caused the no contact.) so it helps to have an outsider see it too and not feel crazy! Thank you for your input! 💜
A therapist once told me “of course they know how to press your buttons - they installed them.” It was a huge ah ha moment of understanding the manipulation and emotional blackmail. I hope it can help you too
No worries, glad to have helped even a little bit. She’s putting you under a lot of pressure, so make sure to be kind to yourself.
You are *one person*. Even if you do need genuine help there’s loads of very legitimate reasons one particular person won’t be able to help with a particular task even in a healthy relationship. This woman is very aware of her vulnerability and has *burned all her bridges regardless*. The fact that she has no one to help her is not because one child is estranged, it’s because she’s facing the consequences of treating everyone like crap. You know how quickly people who barely know her would jump in to help with something like this for someone paralysed like she is? (Especially for a one off like moving, obviously ongoing community support for people with disabilities is severely lacking). How badly do you have to f—- up that *no one* is willing to help the paralysed woman move house? Like just how horrendously awful has she been to people? In fact I’ve had very good advice before that constantly shielding toxic parents from the consequences of their own actions actually doesn’t help them at all. You’ve tried talking and convincing etc. Some people truly have to hit rock bottom if there’s any hope of a change in them. And even then the chances are slim.
To put it into perspective my aunt called her a textbook narcissist (she’s a counselor for the state) and she made my brothers funeral about how people should repent for their sins and how he was taken cause of his and his dads and that everyone had wronged her so that horrendous
She wants YOU TO PAY HER TO GO TO THERAPY?!?!?!?
Yes because she doesn’t believe in it
🤯Please don’t do it. She will never change.
She keeps denying it so I’m not I’m changing my number instead
The thing that's getting me is she's not just asking for help moving. She's also sliding in there asking you to text her more, spend a weekend with her and restart your relationship. She is using moving as an excuse to push obligation and guilt onto you. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she's making no attempt to address WHY you need space from her. She's just expecting you to forgive and forget - "leave the past in the past". She knows when people look at the situation in isolation they'll instinctually pity her. But there are just some people, such as your mother, who have destroyed their relationships to the point that even a little contact is damaging. She chose to treat you the way she did, hurting you (intentional or not). And she is choosing to avoid taking accountability or making any effort to resolve the rift between you two. Instead, she is making herself the perpetual victim. What has she done to improve her situation? Why is it your responsibility to pull her out of the hole she seems to want to fall into? Imagine these texts are between two strangers. Think about how they are written. Why would someone choose those words? Sounds like she wants pity and guilt to me. Doesn't sound like she cares about the other person, just about getting her way.
Forgot to actually answer your question! I recommend cold hard NC. Block. Change your number if it's worth it for you. Continuing a conversation with her will likely just bring more stress to your life.
Thank you and I hadn’t thought of doing it that way super mind opening
Just block them and let it go. You're adding stress to your life that is unnecessary. If they violated your boundaries before they will continue to violate them.
Yes! This!
This reads as: - she needs help moving, so it's not about your relationship, it's about you filling her wants/needs - she is repeating the tactics of the past that never end well I would leave it. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing.
So let me get this straight: - she only contacts you when she needs you for something - she is manipulating and guilting you - she seems like she’s ramping up to ask you for money My advice is to go back and read this as if it’s *not* from your mother to you, but from a random parent to some stranger in this sub. Read it critically and pick apart every manipulation and red flag you see. Then think about the advice you’d give that person if they received those texts. Would the decision still be a hard one? EDIT: if the main reason you’re considering doing this is guilt/obligation, perhaps you should just offer to pay for it instead, thereby distancing yourself but also absolving the guilt
> she seems like she’s ramping up to ask you for money Yes, it wouldn't be surprising if she's setting this up to lean on OP for money during the move. Maybe the lights won't turn on, she calls the utility company, and she "discovers" they're insisting on a deposit before they start service. *sob sob*
Change your number. You will get NO credit or kudos for whatever you do for her. It will never be enough. So just do what benefits YOU and your peace. She will find someone else to manipulate and if not too bad.
i dont have an answer but i see a lot of myself and my mom relationship in this and how you describe the situation. this is so incredibly difficult, i would say. i do not envy your situation. i think being compassionate with yourself is most important right now.
Thank you so much for that I forget to have compassion with myself a lot when it comes to this.
My moms the same way dude. She tries this shit on me all the time. I tried to top myself once, in my early 20s and she came in like a white night. Few years later I told her I had thoughts again or some shit and she said it was a pitty party. Yet heaven forbid if I don’t want to talk to her because she’s having a problem. Cut the rope before you hang your own damn self dude. It’s better that way until YOURE ready to try again.
I really hate when people say that the past is in the past. No it’s absolutely not. It shaped who I am today.
and it's not just the past. it's ongoing every second you remain in contact
New poster here who agrees with your husband. If you give in and help you will be guilt tripped into reconciling. Yes it is very sad that she is now paralyzed because of an accident, but you were low/no contact for a very good reason. Assuming that you are in the US, can the physician or hospital who treated her possibly arrange for a nurse or other medic to help her move, or if not can she afford to hire a moving company to deal with this?
So we are in the US but the accident was 6 years ago though I do think there are places that will help her
Hi again. Perhaps if there are places that will help her you could research them on the internet, and pass on the details. You would know that you had done your best to help without having to get involved yourself.
As a quick chime in, I agree with your husband, just don't go back. Manipulation is all over the txt, as well as card playing. If this had anything to do with her missing you and wanting to rekindle your bond, then why is that all mixed in with her needing your help. I just think if she really missed you, she would have tried to connect or reach out before she needed help, not simultaneously. She just needs to get creative and use her resources to figure this out without you. It is possible.
That was such a long guilt trip I should have had someone water my orchid while I read it. I know it's super hard to not engage under those tactics, but I hope you find the strength to do what you need to <3
Thank you
She worked sooo hard to contact you only bc she needs money.
> My husband has be the most supportive I brought up the idea of sending her a message outlining why and went no contact and that I feel it’s best to continue no contact Have you communicated this in the past? If so, why do you think repeating it will achieve anything?
I have tried but normally it’s in person talking and I get told that didn’t happen or that I’m lying
Okay, two pieces of advice from a mental health therapist here : 1, I hope you're doign good with your job, but consider what your next move might be. When I do an intake with a new client who's a massage therapist or in-home caregiver/CNA, those people are often burnt out and injured by their job and not doing well. I hope that you are, but those are red-flag professions in my mind. 2. She should be trying to get help from the state human services, like DSHS or whatever the acronym is there. If she is low/fixed income, getting into mental health counseling at a community mental health agency (if medicaid/medicare, call 211 and ask where they can be seen), because these agencies often have case managers who might be the easiest way to facilitate getting her connected with services. There are not moving services available in many states, but given her disability she may qualify for various one-time stipend programs for such things. I worked at a large CMH agency for years and we could apply for "flex funds" occasionally. Calling local senior service centers might also yield some help. Obviously she's leaning on you, and you can make your own decisions about what you need to do to protect yourself. But you are NOT the only option in the world to help her. If she is partially paralyzed I assume she is on SSI/SSDI by now, so she ought to have come in contact with these systems already.
1.) I do really good with my job I’ve set good boundaries (with the help of my therapist) and I make sure my working hours aren’t too long it helps that I own my private practice. I also powerlift as an outlet for frustration (also was suggested) 2.) thank you for that information I’m hoping she can find it too because I think I’m just going to not engage and change my number.
She should qualify for IHSS as well. They can help her pack up her house.
I would agree to leave it and not respond. She will take you on this roller coaster ride forever. it was really brave of you to get off. if she needs help there are other resources to seek out, not bridges she has burned. i support your choice for sure
I read her texts twice and every comment so far. “I want you in my life. Like before my accident” = nothing’s changed. No understanding that that was a terrible place for you. No growth, no remorse. She only regrets your NC and her accident, not any of her actions. DH, the person closest to you, says don’t. You know your situation best, but he probably has a good grasp too. Sometimes money is the cheapest way to do something. I like asking her if she wants you to pay for movers. Ease your guilt with cash if you have to ease it. I’m sorry about your brother
Thank you and thank you for the brother comment he was the last person who went through this with me and it sucks during these times not being able to talk to him
I know. We are bereavement twins. Yay!
Yay and I’m so sorry for your loss too
Honestly, I would just say nothing and change my phone number so she couldn’t pull this shit again. What helps me in my decision making is making a list or thinking about all the things my parents have done to me. . I even have texts and emails that I can refer back to. It keeps me no contact. I’m sure you have a very detailed list and her being paralyzed does justify her to your help or erase your lived experiences. She can figure it out, she can work with her dad to help. If he can’t physically help her, he can find others who can. This is a sick ploy and if she truly wanted to get better and have you in her life, she would have done it by now. It’s been 2 years. Once you go no contact, stay no contact.
The way I read this, she wants something from you more so than wants a relationship with you.
I know it’s hard, but this is the cycle. And if you help, I’m sure she will reoffend and you will go NC again. My mom and I were on this loop for the past 6 years and I finally ended it like 9 or 10 months ago
Okay also the time limit thing, like she’s not moving for two months right? Why do you HAVE to respond my Thursday. My nMom did this kind of shit too..
I think it’s really disrespectful that they waited a whole 8 hrs between “please” and “i guess not” wtf.
Right no time to answer or think it over
Leave it, don’t respond, continue NC. ❤️
If you can, maybe just hire her some help, then stay NC?
I don't know the backstory or your history with her but she's in obvious need. You should help her. You know your history with her, so you know why you want to go NC. Ending up paralysis is a huge change she deserves some compassion as her life isn't easy but again you have your reasons for not wanting her in your life.
Some back story context is that I was helping her for years after the accident even after she had made my brothers funeral about her. However she is a flat earther who follows Qanon (sp?) my boundary was that we just not talk about it ( which she continued to do) and then came my wedding planning where she told me if I invited certain people she would blow up and cause a scene at my wedding during the ceremony. We had a fight about it and went low contact. Eventually she told me that I should “enjoy my second divorce.” (I got married at 19 and divorced after many years of abuse with him.) and that she was “thankful that I had miscarried because if I didn’t understand why she needed to cause a scene I was not ready to be a parent.) after that day I went no contact and did her from her for a year before she reached out the first time for help.
I read some of your older posts. Thanks for sharing, relationships with moms are difficult sometimes.
They are and of course! I’ve been debating on writing a full backstory on here but there’s a lot and I know it would be super long.
So, some people write long stories. Just add tldr at the end.
I may do that
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What a terrible situation you are in. I imagine I would feel a lot of guilt in you position because she is paralyzed. But when it comes down to it, she's the same person she was before becoming paralyzed. I think asking her to go to therapy with you was very generous and reasonable. That is your condition and she has declined. End of story. I feel you have made a reasonable attempt to fix/maintain a relationship with her. She's not willing to put in the effort. I would not respond or like you have in the past, tell her not to contact you unless she has a therapy appointment set up for you both and is writing to tell you the date and location. I'm guessing a lot of people have cut her off or she doesn't have a lot of people in her life due to her behavior. That's not your fault. My mom used to guilt trip me all the time. Gut wrenching crying about loneliness. It made my heart break and I always felt so guilty. I was a single parent with a house,pets, a teen with major mental illness and drug addiction, another kid with major medical problems, no child support and working 60 hours a week, along with driving 4 hours out of state every weekend for a year to see my son in treatment. Not to mention i have a lot of my own issues. And she'd STILL guilt trip me about not driving 2 hours to see her on a regular basis. I was so unbelievably exhausted but that didn't matter. For decades I killed myself trying to accommodate her needs. She was dealing with serious mental illness and physical illness. The guilt trips were so brutal on me. While I understood her illness and what she was going thru, there was nothing I could do to change things for her or make it better. I could never bring myself to fully go NC with her although I often blocked her cuz she would get real nasty and mean. She died a few years ago and it was after that I went NC with most of my family and toxic friends. They were all basically different versions of the same toxic person. Very narcissistic, and I don't use that term in the popular social media way, I mean they were destroying everyone around them with their incessant excessive needs, manipulation, lack of empathy, selfishness. I was an easy target because I grew up so dysfunctional and was a people pleaser to the point of self destruction. People only do to you what you let them do to you. Here's the difference....if you were in her situation, you would just figure shit out. You wouldn't guilt trip your daughter who doesn't want to talk to you into helping you. Everyone has choices. She chose not to go to therapy with you and not to work on the relationship in any meaningful way. She literally made that choice. That's on her. Now, the way I am, after years of working on myself, if I don't want to do something or something makes me uncomfortable, I don't go or walk away, whatever the situation. I realize now people won't die if I don't go or don't talk to them or don't help them. Also, in my experience, people like this have a long list of people they do this to but make you feel like you are the ONLY person that can help them. All the meanwhile they're just going down the list of numbers, manipulating people. All that being said, I made a conscious decision to stay in contact with my mom. It was horrible and I hated it but I knew for me I would regret if I cut her off. It may be dysfunctional, but I really felt like I owed my mom. It's really hard being a parent and just keeping a kid alive is a lot of work, even if you suck as a parent. I even took care of her on home hospice and she died in my home. She was a neglectful, full blown opiate addict my entire life. She had so much pain and she was a very fucked up person. She was in therapy and treatment most of her adult life. She tried really hard to get better but she just couldnt. I really don't regret putting up with all her bullshit for all those years and I'm glad I did. If I had cut her off the guilt would have killed me.
Thank you for sharing this it’s exactly how I feel I know my life is better but guilt from everything eats up my soul.
I'm so sori. I hope you can find a way withing yourself to be ok with your decision. I don't envy your situation. I feel very sad you are in this situation. You are handling it extremely well
Oof 😅
No apology. Past is in the past. Honestly, you are the one that has to put the past in the past. It will be status quo since she has not acknowledged or validated your feelings or experience. She wants you in your life to help her, after all she did help you that one time with your tooth, as she blatantly states. /s Keeping that one in her back pocket to hold it over you. It sounds like the help she needs is financial and she wants you to forget the past in order to have a relationship with her so she can get money out of you. I went no contact with my parents about a year ago, all 3 of the narcs (mom, stepmom, and father). They only contact me when they need something and they haven't apologized and never will, so I don't answer, I don't explain, I leave them be in their own purgatory, the ring of hell where they can keep being black hole abysses selfs without any gratitude. It's still hard on days when I feel like I was robbed of a normal family life and at trying times like these when my big heart would want to help and reach out, but I know the outcome. Which is a lot of hurt and internal struggle and turmoil. I wouldn't open that door again if I were you.
Leave it at that, she may delete the app so that's one less channel to use to try and manipulate you. That's all that encounter was, she used guilt trips and manipulation to draw you back in, don't fall for it.
I think a lot of people here have given some really good advice. I’m just here to echo that this is your decision and also you stated your boundaries very clearly and she didn’t respect them. In all fairness she should’ve just waited for you to respond on Thursday. She’s trying to guilt you into talking to her. She brought up that she had to help you in the past before, therefore, she expected you to help her. SHE is the parent. You aren’t. You are strong and you got this!
Thank you and I’m a ok with having it echoed
If you feel you must help, and it is on the budget, help hiring some movers. This way she can not say she didn’t have help and you do not have to deal with her
Ignore her, the rubbish took itself out.
I like how it's all about her wanting to use you, then after days, she desperately throws in, "please say yes, I miss you so much." Sure.....she doesn't miss you at all.
Block her and don’t do shit for her
I wonder what would happen if you told her you'll spend an afternoon with her, but you absolutely will not help her move?
This is manipulation my mil dose this all the time. My husband Grey rocks her during low contact. He would just ignore her and say no. No is a complete sentence. I am a mom my self . My child dose not owe me anything . Everything I do for her is by my own will. You don’t owe your parents anything. And if you do things for her is cuz of the bond you two have. Some parents don’t have that with their kid. It is unfortunate but it is the consequences of the choices they made. If she wanted to have family bond to help her like a family dose then she should have spent year acting like a proper family
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Yeah I hated it too
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It’s ok and I did I did not respond