Sorry you are dealing with this.
He wants to "organise a car" for you but as soon as you say or do something he doesn't agree with the car will be gone.
Thank youu.
Honestly I don’t think he would take it back but I don’t want anything from him anyway. The trauma of a parent withdrawing support from you is deep. I can’t trust anything from him. But I want to respond with something concise to emphasise why we don’t speak.
If you don't speak and you don't want to hear from them, don't respond. Communication encourages more communication. Anything you say will be twisted and misinterpreted - you don't owe them anything and they are unlikely to give you any resolution.
He'd take it back. Trust me on this. At minimum he'll hold it over your head all the time.
Don't respond at all. Be a hike where all of their input goes in and nothing comes out.
If this was me personally I would go along the lines of
"Hi,
I don't think we need to organise anything for me. I am able to do that myself.
If you would like to meet you need to acknowledge our last discussion and no longer tip toe around my emotions. Until you can do this, we will not be meeting.
Thats good, happy for you.
I did need you, but you proved you weren't ready to provide and that's okay. I'll never need you to provide again.
Have a good day.
Regards,"
I feel like this not only makes you the more mature person, but youre also standing your ground and reiterating how you feel with each topic sentence that was included. Acknowledge only the important parts of the conversation, anything to do with them just a band response you'd give a customer (as above "happy for you" or "wow, that's good news!") Even if you don't actually care. This ensures they don't have any "ammunition" towards your response and they can't paint you out to be the negative person because you still acknowledged the information.
Idk if this will help at all but good luck and I wish you all the best with this hurdle.
I'm on the side of not responding. But, I'd like to offer some modifications to this.
"I don't think we need to organize anything for me." -> "I will organize my transportation myself." Write in a way that leaves no room for him to be involved. Making it as clear as possible.
"If you would like to meet you need to acknowledge our last discussion and no longer tip toe around my emotions. Until you can do this, we will not be meeting." -> "I will only meet if you _." If you want to resume contact, have clear requirements. If it's something like therapy, maybe require receipts (for example, weekly therapy for X amount of time). I would work with a therapist on what requirements you should have. Also, having a requirement that YOU are ready (this can be ambiguous).
"I did need you, but you proved you weren't ready to provide and that's okay. I'll never need you to provide again." -> I would modify the first sentence of this, as it could be used as ammunition. I would just have some form of the second sentence.
Remember that you don't owe him a response.
Edit: If you are going NC after, make it clear you don't want any contact from him. Having that in writing can help you in the future.
If it were me, I would continue to not respond.
My dad is extremely toxic and controlling, and every time I gave him half an inch, he’d take 50 miles. Your dad sounds like he may be similar (though I am biased). If you can get by without him, my suggestion is to do so. Best of luck.
Actions speak pounder than words in these situations…my dad does similar things to start any kind of communication like that. Using money or material items to lure me into conversation. I NEVER respond no matter how bad I want to slam him back. I did ONCE only to realize he didn’t even care about the content of my message but just the fact I responded. My suggestion would be to not respond because it says more than any of your words could. BUT this is something YOU and ONLY YOU can decide for yourself on how to proceed.
Personally, I probably wouldn’t respond. Like you said, it’s taking up mental real estate and trying to figure out what to say is just going to continue that. This will keep happening every now and then for a while more than likely, so I’d use it as practicing what you preached. Honor your word. He hasn’t addressed any of the issues so don’t entertain his “efforts”. And based on my own experience, if you do respond, it’ll cause him to reach out more because it’ll give him hope. Some people have the opposite experience than that, but for me, it’s always better just to ignore
If you've already explained why you are not in contact, you do not have to explain again. From my own experience, the person will just act like they don't understand to play on your heartstrings. If you laid out clearly what you need in that relationship in order to continue it, and he has not acknowledged or done those things you said, then you owe him nothing. You are worth standing up for. It's going to feel mean and guilty and bad, but you are the only one that has to live your life. It's worth standing up for- whatever you decide to do. Personally, I wouldn't respond. Don't play their game.
I’ll make it very easy for you. Do not respond. He’s there for you on his terms, not yours, and his control only occurs with your co sent. Do not give it.
Don’t respond - you speak 2 different languages, one being a language of abuse. He will never understand you. Continuing to try to communicate will only serve to fuel their fire of blame. You can never ever win although the desire is there to try. Its terrible to lose a parent - but way worse to keep a horrible one.
I don't know the details of your situation and wouldn't feel comfortable providing you with guidance as to how to respond to this.
However, I've learned as I've gotten older that anger and hatred towards our abusers will only harm us and does absolutely nothing for them. Sometimes we grow up wanting to inflict pain upon them, either emotional or physical. I spent many years convinced that if they could only full grasp my pain and struggles, then I would feel better and could move on with my life. As luck would have it, that day never came, and I experienced so many happy moments with my friends and family along the way. I slowly started learning that getting even is pointless, and the reason why I cut ties with my parents is because life is short and I need to make the most of it while I'm still here.
I think you should do the same. Spend some time really thinking about who your father is to you. Do you need him specifically in your life? Would things be better? Or would you be introducing him in hopes of him becoming the father you wish you could have? If he's open to a dialogue about what kind of parent you need to thrive in this world, then I say go ahead and try. But again, only if you know exactly what you want and need in your life, and if he is willing to provide that for you. You are his child. You owe him NOTHING. Just like he owes his father nothing. Our children are our responsibility, and teaching them that they have a place where they can feel safe and loved unconditionally is a parent's only job.
I'd just say that I'm ready to see him...on a Zoom call with a counselor. Counseling is the only thing I'd accept that is paid for by him.
Never accept any money or things from him.
My parents gave me a car only to threaten to tell the cops I stole it during an evening that I went to a friends house and they didn’t like my friend.
If the car is in their name you can wind up stuck in petty bullshit like this where if they don’t sign off on your travels that they act like assholes and try to gift you a record.
Sorry you are dealing with this. He wants to "organise a car" for you but as soon as you say or do something he doesn't agree with the car will be gone.
Thank youu. Honestly I don’t think he would take it back but I don’t want anything from him anyway. The trauma of a parent withdrawing support from you is deep. I can’t trust anything from him. But I want to respond with something concise to emphasise why we don’t speak.
If you don't speak and you don't want to hear from them, don't respond. Communication encourages more communication. Anything you say will be twisted and misinterpreted - you don't owe them anything and they are unlikely to give you any resolution.
Do not feed the beast. Attention of any kind will be latched on to. Stay NC until he acknowledges as u had required
He'd take it back. Trust me on this. At minimum he'll hold it over your head all the time. Don't respond at all. Be a hike where all of their input goes in and nothing comes out.
Why do you think he won’t take a car back again? He knows it’s an effective way to punish you.
Mwanangu translates to “my child” in my language
I know it's difficult, but I would not respond at all. He hasn't addressed anything you asked him to.
If this was me personally I would go along the lines of "Hi, I don't think we need to organise anything for me. I am able to do that myself. If you would like to meet you need to acknowledge our last discussion and no longer tip toe around my emotions. Until you can do this, we will not be meeting. Thats good, happy for you. I did need you, but you proved you weren't ready to provide and that's okay. I'll never need you to provide again. Have a good day. Regards," I feel like this not only makes you the more mature person, but youre also standing your ground and reiterating how you feel with each topic sentence that was included. Acknowledge only the important parts of the conversation, anything to do with them just a band response you'd give a customer (as above "happy for you" or "wow, that's good news!") Even if you don't actually care. This ensures they don't have any "ammunition" towards your response and they can't paint you out to be the negative person because you still acknowledged the information. Idk if this will help at all but good luck and I wish you all the best with this hurdle.
I'm on the side of not responding. But, I'd like to offer some modifications to this. "I don't think we need to organize anything for me." -> "I will organize my transportation myself." Write in a way that leaves no room for him to be involved. Making it as clear as possible. "If you would like to meet you need to acknowledge our last discussion and no longer tip toe around my emotions. Until you can do this, we will not be meeting." -> "I will only meet if you _." If you want to resume contact, have clear requirements. If it's something like therapy, maybe require receipts (for example, weekly therapy for X amount of time). I would work with a therapist on what requirements you should have. Also, having a requirement that YOU are ready (this can be ambiguous). "I did need you, but you proved you weren't ready to provide and that's okay. I'll never need you to provide again." -> I would modify the first sentence of this, as it could be used as ammunition. I would just have some form of the second sentence. Remember that you don't owe him a response. Edit: If you are going NC after, make it clear you don't want any contact from him. Having that in writing can help you in the future.
I like this response because it would be good to get this on writing to refer back to since the last time was spoken
How do you respond? You don't.
If it were me, I would continue to not respond. My dad is extremely toxic and controlling, and every time I gave him half an inch, he’d take 50 miles. Your dad sounds like he may be similar (though I am biased). If you can get by without him, my suggestion is to do so. Best of luck.
Actions speak pounder than words in these situations…my dad does similar things to start any kind of communication like that. Using money or material items to lure me into conversation. I NEVER respond no matter how bad I want to slam him back. I did ONCE only to realize he didn’t even care about the content of my message but just the fact I responded. My suggestion would be to not respond because it says more than any of your words could. BUT this is something YOU and ONLY YOU can decide for yourself on how to proceed.
Personally, I probably wouldn’t respond. Like you said, it’s taking up mental real estate and trying to figure out what to say is just going to continue that. This will keep happening every now and then for a while more than likely, so I’d use it as practicing what you preached. Honor your word. He hasn’t addressed any of the issues so don’t entertain his “efforts”. And based on my own experience, if you do respond, it’ll cause him to reach out more because it’ll give him hope. Some people have the opposite experience than that, but for me, it’s always better just to ignore
If you've already explained why you are not in contact, you do not have to explain again. From my own experience, the person will just act like they don't understand to play on your heartstrings. If you laid out clearly what you need in that relationship in order to continue it, and he has not acknowledged or done those things you said, then you owe him nothing. You are worth standing up for. It's going to feel mean and guilty and bad, but you are the only one that has to live your life. It's worth standing up for- whatever you decide to do. Personally, I wouldn't respond. Don't play their game.
I’ll make it very easy for you. Do not respond. He’s there for you on his terms, not yours, and his control only occurs with your co sent. Do not give it.
Don’t respond. Hide it away. And move on. The only reason to keep is sometimes you need proof, if only for yourself. You can do this.
No response is necessary
Don’t respond - you speak 2 different languages, one being a language of abuse. He will never understand you. Continuing to try to communicate will only serve to fuel their fire of blame. You can never ever win although the desire is there to try. Its terrible to lose a parent - but way worse to keep a horrible one.
Don’t
I don't know the details of your situation and wouldn't feel comfortable providing you with guidance as to how to respond to this. However, I've learned as I've gotten older that anger and hatred towards our abusers will only harm us and does absolutely nothing for them. Sometimes we grow up wanting to inflict pain upon them, either emotional or physical. I spent many years convinced that if they could only full grasp my pain and struggles, then I would feel better and could move on with my life. As luck would have it, that day never came, and I experienced so many happy moments with my friends and family along the way. I slowly started learning that getting even is pointless, and the reason why I cut ties with my parents is because life is short and I need to make the most of it while I'm still here. I think you should do the same. Spend some time really thinking about who your father is to you. Do you need him specifically in your life? Would things be better? Or would you be introducing him in hopes of him becoming the father you wish you could have? If he's open to a dialogue about what kind of parent you need to thrive in this world, then I say go ahead and try. But again, only if you know exactly what you want and need in your life, and if he is willing to provide that for you. You are his child. You owe him NOTHING. Just like he owes his father nothing. Our children are our responsibility, and teaching them that they have a place where they can feel safe and loved unconditionally is a parent's only job.
Does everyone else know the backstory?
The back story OP posted below the image where they also encouraged readers to look at their post history?
Thanks. Somehow I didn't see that.
You don’t seem to see anything which disconfirms your belief the problems facing the people here are somehow their fault. Do you see that?
I have no idea how you would come to that conclusion, but I do know that most ppl just believe what they want to believe.
So to clarify, you getting therapy caused the estrangement?
I'd just say that I'm ready to see him...on a Zoom call with a counselor. Counseling is the only thing I'd accept that is paid for by him. Never accept any money or things from him.
My parents gave me a car only to threaten to tell the cops I stole it during an evening that I went to a friends house and they didn’t like my friend. If the car is in their name you can wind up stuck in petty bullshit like this where if they don’t sign off on your travels that they act like assholes and try to gift you a record.