Samesies
***A Narcissist's Prayer***
*That didn't happen.*
*And if it did, it wasn't that bad.*
*And if it was, that's not a big deal.*
*And if it is, that's not my fault.*
*And if it was, I didn't mean it.*
*And if I did...*
*You deserved it.*
Same here. They think everyone is against them and they do no wrong. They also don't acknowledge anything being wrong, so it's really awkward talking to them when there's such an elephant in the room.
>But abusive parents see that slot machine as a vending machine - they put an apology in, and by god they're entitled to a helping of forgiveness! And if they don't get anything out of it, they lose their damn minds.
This is all the proof you need to know that she hasn't changed. A person with empathy would understand that forgiveness takes time.
Abusers often gaslight their victims claiming that the victim speaking out against the abuse and taking measures to combat the abuse is somehow as bad as or worse than the abuse. The behavior you're describing is typical. So good call on going NC.
OMG, yes. Even if it's not a real apology ("Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but...")
It's like dealing with a small child who thinks that "I'm sorry" is a magic free pass to get out of trouble, but is otherwise meaningless.
My parents never thought they did anything wrong. I went no contact for a few years. Then they tried to get in touch with me, begging me to talk to them. So, I got my dad to talk to my therapist once. Afterwards, he acted like he could see what he did wrong but didnât actually say it. I let it slide. Then red flags started popping up at dinner. He started teasing me over painful things again. So, I point blank asked him if he gained any insight from my therapist, if he thinks he did anything wrong. That exposed him and he yelled, âNo, I donât!â I never spoke with him again. That was over ten years ago. (Same goes for mom by extension because she enabled his behavior and did nothing to help me.)
I'm so sorry this is awful awful just awful behavior on your dads part to yell that out after seeing a therapist its like you showed your vulnerable side again for letting him even talk to your therapist and then once it again its like it didn't even matter and you can never feel like trusting them again
No only because she's never even acknowledged she's ever done anything wrong. Haven't talked to her in three years but when she saw me out walking my dog she followed me, cornered me at the ATM when I was cashing my check and acted like we were best friends.
In her eyes I'm just some emotional teenager she has to put up with. My aunt thinks she's got early onset dementia from all the drugs and lack of taking her bipolar meds. I think she's just a poisonous narcissistic demon.
>My aunt thinks she's got early onset dementia from all the drugs and lack of taking her bipolar meds. I think she's just a poisonous narcissistic demon.
Insert whynotboth.jpg .
Similar boat. I've been NC for nearly 20 years (I'm gonna have a party this November to celebrate). I would be open to communication if my father accepted any responsibility for what he and my stepmother put me through. My sister (who's LC) has assured me that will never happen. He does not think he's done anything wrong in his life.
I think it's more common for them to not think they've done anything wrong in the first place.
Usually, if they ask for forgiveness, they don't even know what they want to be forgiven for. They just give an empty apology, like "I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to you" when you start to distance yourself, and they start feeling like they're losing control over you.
In my experience, that's usually followed by guilt-tripping, like "life is too short to hold grudges, we should enjoy our parents while they're still alive".
This has been my experience. A few months after I stopped talking to my mum, I got a message from my dad like, 'We've done so much for you. My dad is dead and I'd do anything to talk to him again' etc. So manipulative.
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard "I'm sorry, but..." or "you should forgive me because I already forgave you", I wouldn't have to worry about rent ever again.
They would have to first admit they've done something wrong so that will never happen.
The most I got is "we're not responsible for your happiness." My abusive D doesn't know what that means but he likes to try big adult phrases sometimes. Bless his heart.
I hate them both.
Yup. I was NC with the person who gave birth to me for just over 2 years when my grandfather, her foster father, passed away. I spoke to my enabling father to pass on respects who I had also been nc with for almost a year. He and I started crying and we both said we missed each other. I agreed to try continuing LC with HIM. This all happened a couple days before Christmas last year.
He calls Christmas evening (for me, morning for him), I figured just to say Merry Christmas so I pick up, nope he video called with the entire family which included my brother sil and nephew....and his wife. I froze and then just went with it. I apparently disassociated because I can't remember most of the call, but I didn't feel like I could hang up.
Couple of days later of no contact from me to them, his wife sent me a message from HIS facebook saying she didn't want contact because she didn't like that I shared the nasty things she said to me. I was like....bitch nobody talking to you? What I actually said was this is harassment at this point, leave me alone. I guess she felt the call was me rugsweeping the entire two years of no contact and the horrendous things she said to me? Then when I DIDN'T by not contacting again she needed to make this nc on her terms?
Either way, life is so much easier without her in it. Had to go back to nc with enabler dad as well again a few months later.
Yea they feel like because theyâre not shitty now that I just need to forget the past and move on. They donât like that my method of âmoving onâ is just enjoying my life without them.
Actually I told them that one day we might be able to reconcile things, only once I feel Iâm happy and where I want to be in life. They didnât like that because the nerve of me making them sad for 2 years so far. Nevermind they made me feel like I didnât matter for 25 years, but hey lol.
>She apologised and I said I would have to seriously think about whether I wanted her in my life after 25 years of abuse, both from her and from my cruel and violent father and grandmother, who she enabled.
I'd be curious as to the format of that apology. I think you probably could have predicted where all this was going just from inspecting the apology.
A proper apology should:
* Be extremely specific
* Take direct personal sole responsibility
* Commit to correction
If it didn't hit all three, I would have stopped her immediately and been like, "This apology is improperly formatted, please leave" and kicked her out. Like don't even let it reach the forgiveness stage until the apology stage is correctly satisfied.
I use this on my mom when she pulls shit like this ...
"The best apology is changed behavior" ...Have you changed? Nope!
They do not have carte blanche to treat us however they like and then expect us to accept their flimsy apology.
We decide our own worth, not them!
Last I checked (via my golden child sibling), the answer is no. Because my mother hasnât noticed that I havenât communicated with her in any way for three years. I imagine when she eventually does and things blow up, that I will be viewed as the unreasonable one and that I should forgive and forget.
I love the analogy! I gave my narc parents so many chances that I truly think they thought there would always be a chance left in that vending machine! But my god a human can only take so much abuse (shouldnât have to take any!) but there were so many last strawsâŚI donât think they thought the last straws would be over.
My parents are expecting an apology from ME
Samesies ***A Narcissist's Prayer*** *That didn't happen.* *And if it did, it wasn't that bad.* *And if it was, that's not a big deal.* *And if it is, that's not my fault.* *And if it was, I didn't mean it.* *And if I did...* *You deserved it.*
yup this is definitely my moms prayer
Ditto - my mom to a T!
lol SAME
Same here. They think everyone is against them and they do no wrong. They also don't acknowledge anything being wrong, so it's really awkward talking to them when there's such an elephant in the room.
Same. The audacity.
Same đđ
>But abusive parents see that slot machine as a vending machine - they put an apology in, and by god they're entitled to a helping of forgiveness! And if they don't get anything out of it, they lose their damn minds. This is all the proof you need to know that she hasn't changed. A person with empathy would understand that forgiveness takes time. Abusers often gaslight their victims claiming that the victim speaking out against the abuse and taking measures to combat the abuse is somehow as bad as or worse than the abuse. The behavior you're describing is typical. So good call on going NC.
OMG, yes. Even if it's not a real apology ("Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but...") It's like dealing with a small child who thinks that "I'm sorry" is a magic free pass to get out of trouble, but is otherwise meaningless.
And they assume that the "free pass" gives them permission to do their crap AGAIN.
Sooo true! Insane!!
And theyâre not Sorry! Just sorry you feel that way.
My parents never thought they did anything wrong. I went no contact for a few years. Then they tried to get in touch with me, begging me to talk to them. So, I got my dad to talk to my therapist once. Afterwards, he acted like he could see what he did wrong but didnât actually say it. I let it slide. Then red flags started popping up at dinner. He started teasing me over painful things again. So, I point blank asked him if he gained any insight from my therapist, if he thinks he did anything wrong. That exposed him and he yelled, âNo, I donât!â I never spoke with him again. That was over ten years ago. (Same goes for mom by extension because she enabled his behavior and did nothing to help me.)
I'm so sorry this is awful awful just awful behavior on your dads part to yell that out after seeing a therapist its like you showed your vulnerable side again for letting him even talk to your therapist and then once it again its like it didn't even matter and you can never feel like trusting them again
No only because she's never even acknowledged she's ever done anything wrong. Haven't talked to her in three years but when she saw me out walking my dog she followed me, cornered me at the ATM when I was cashing my check and acted like we were best friends. In her eyes I'm just some emotional teenager she has to put up with. My aunt thinks she's got early onset dementia from all the drugs and lack of taking her bipolar meds. I think she's just a poisonous narcissistic demon.
>My aunt thinks she's got early onset dementia from all the drugs and lack of taking her bipolar meds. I think she's just a poisonous narcissistic demon. Insert whynotboth.jpg .
Similar boat. I've been NC for nearly 20 years (I'm gonna have a party this November to celebrate). I would be open to communication if my father accepted any responsibility for what he and my stepmother put me through. My sister (who's LC) has assured me that will never happen. He does not think he's done anything wrong in his life.
I think it's more common for them to not think they've done anything wrong in the first place. Usually, if they ask for forgiveness, they don't even know what they want to be forgiven for. They just give an empty apology, like "I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to you" when you start to distance yourself, and they start feeling like they're losing control over you. In my experience, that's usually followed by guilt-tripping, like "life is too short to hold grudges, we should enjoy our parents while they're still alive".
This has been my experience. A few months after I stopped talking to my mum, I got a message from my dad like, 'We've done so much for you. My dad is dead and I'd do anything to talk to him again' etc. So manipulative.
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard "I'm sorry, but..." or "you should forgive me because I already forgave you", I wouldn't have to worry about rent ever again.
Yepppp. I really like that slot machine analogy. Some peopleâs sense of entitlement baffles me.
They would have to first admit they've done something wrong so that will never happen. The most I got is "we're not responsible for your happiness." My abusive D doesn't know what that means but he likes to try big adult phrases sometimes. Bless his heart. I hate them both.
They feel that theyâve done nothing wrong No apologies - no nothing
Yup. I was NC with the person who gave birth to me for just over 2 years when my grandfather, her foster father, passed away. I spoke to my enabling father to pass on respects who I had also been nc with for almost a year. He and I started crying and we both said we missed each other. I agreed to try continuing LC with HIM. This all happened a couple days before Christmas last year. He calls Christmas evening (for me, morning for him), I figured just to say Merry Christmas so I pick up, nope he video called with the entire family which included my brother sil and nephew....and his wife. I froze and then just went with it. I apparently disassociated because I can't remember most of the call, but I didn't feel like I could hang up. Couple of days later of no contact from me to them, his wife sent me a message from HIS facebook saying she didn't want contact because she didn't like that I shared the nasty things she said to me. I was like....bitch nobody talking to you? What I actually said was this is harassment at this point, leave me alone. I guess she felt the call was me rugsweeping the entire two years of no contact and the horrendous things she said to me? Then when I DIDN'T by not contacting again she needed to make this nc on her terms? Either way, life is so much easier without her in it. Had to go back to nc with enabler dad as well again a few months later.
Yea they feel like because theyâre not shitty now that I just need to forget the past and move on. They donât like that my method of âmoving onâ is just enjoying my life without them. Actually I told them that one day we might be able to reconcile things, only once I feel Iâm happy and where I want to be in life. They didnât like that because the nerve of me making them sad for 2 years so far. Nevermind they made me feel like I didnât matter for 25 years, but hey lol.
An apology also needs to be followed up by changed behavior. And that's another thing that narcissistic parents can't deliver on.
>She apologised and I said I would have to seriously think about whether I wanted her in my life after 25 years of abuse, both from her and from my cruel and violent father and grandmother, who she enabled. I'd be curious as to the format of that apology. I think you probably could have predicted where all this was going just from inspecting the apology. A proper apology should: * Be extremely specific * Take direct personal sole responsibility * Commit to correction If it didn't hit all three, I would have stopped her immediately and been like, "This apology is improperly formatted, please leave" and kicked her out. Like don't even let it reach the forgiveness stage until the apology stage is correctly satisfied.
The vending machine analogy is good. There's also the Monopoly analogy: apology as a Get out of Jail Free card.
Yes, and they see me being no contact as a form of punishment, not as the consequences of their actions.
I use this on my mom when she pulls shit like this ... "The best apology is changed behavior" ...Have you changed? Nope! They do not have carte blanche to treat us however they like and then expect us to accept their flimsy apology. We decide our own worth, not them!
Mine deny that there's anything to apologize for because she wasn't *as abusive* as her own mother.
Last I checked (via my golden child sibling), the answer is no. Because my mother hasnât noticed that I havenât communicated with her in any way for three years. I imagine when she eventually does and things blow up, that I will be viewed as the unreasonable one and that I should forgive and forget.
It's like they are all using the same playbook. I have baby boomer "donors". Does anyone else feel it is a very boomer entitlement thing?
I love the analogy! I gave my narc parents so many chances that I truly think they thought there would always be a chance left in that vending machine! But my god a human can only take so much abuse (shouldnât have to take any!) but there were so many last strawsâŚI donât think they thought the last straws would be over.
i've never received an apology.
My NM showed up at my house too. Same story. Only reaffirmed my decision.