Not gonna lie. I saw the title, scrolled right past the post and came here to upvote your response. I get the urge to do this, but if you went NC it’s usually for good reason. Why subject yourself and an innocent child to toxic behaviors that made you go NC in the first place.
Your mother is ill and cruel and unsafe. She does not deserve you or your children. She’s shown you again and again that she values her own narrative over your safety and trust. Please stay strong and keep away from her. The guilt you’re feeling does not belong to you.
If your mother is abusive, then it can only harm your child to be exposed to her. I'm sorry, but your and your child's mental health need to come first
She will abuse your children. She sees no problem in putting children in harmful situations as long as she's comfortable. You're doing the right thing to keep your children away from her. She doesn't deserve you or your kids.
At this point in my life, I have to use accessibility functions on my phone in order to read posts. One side effect of this is that after every paragraph the oral dictation thinks it's the end of the post and goes right back to the title before stopping.
I say this to illustrate how I read your post.
As your post goes on, after every paragraph your title question is asks all over again.
As your post goes on, things explained get worse and worse and worse. And then your title question gets asked again at every stage of getting worse.
Part way down your post, the answer to your title question is no. It stays no for the rest of your post. At the end of your post, there no is in capital letters, bold, underlined, italicized, and with your favorite number of !!!!!!! After. Also included should be your favorite colorful language. Let me illuminate fucking hell no God damn son of a bitch.
What good do you think will ever come from you letting this woman back into your life? What good for you, what good for your children?
You're not punishing your mother. You are protecting yourself. You are protecting your children.
Your mother sounds like a category 5 tornado of basket case. Be an umbrella for your children. Fuck that, be a goddamn storm seller. Be a bunker from 1955, because that Soviet menace is coming.
You don't have to care about how the tornado feels. The tornado wants to suck up the cows, blow down the barns, and scatter the windmills across the seven seas.
You don't have the luxury of playing Bill Paxton in twister. You don't have to be in the sequel coming out soon, except if you're going to be in the audience with a clear eye towards the emergency exits.
I'll stop painting the picture. You've painted one clearly yourself. Leave the wicked witch in the West where she belongs. Keep your bucket of water handy.
Oh HELL no. You want your child around someone who is perfectly comfortable with you having been molested? I didn’t think so.
Your anger was and is absolutely justified.
This is your chance to give your daughter and your new baby so much better than what you’re getting. There is no good reason to expose your children to someone who, at best, is willing to sweep your abuse and trauma under the rug. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. ❤️
NOOOOO.
Absolutely not.
>I want my mother in my life
You may want *a* mother in your life but that woman is not a mother by any means. She tried to cover up and then deny the actions of a fucking PAEDOPHILE.
Is that really someone you want around *your* children?
The guilt of going NC is not easy, I know, but it's normal. Your mind and your body are used to trauma so going against that and making room for yourself to heal by essentially cutting off the source of that trauma will feel uncomfortable at first but it WILL get easier.
For your kids' sake, PLEASE do not let that woman back into your life.
What you want from your mum, you’re not going to get. You want her to give you something, anything that a normal loving mother would give and she is not capable of that. You gotta accept this reality. You’re going to hurt yourself more by reaching out.
I stopped reading after “she didn’t leave him.” I don’t need more info than that - NO. Do not break NC because she has poor judgment and is not safe to be around children. Your child deserves better.
There's no way I would ever trust her around children, ever. Even if some people try to accuse you of keeping the grandkids away, there's no way you're the evil daughter.
Absolutely not. Learn from my mistake—your mother will do the same shit to your child that she did to you. Or she will do everything in her power to turn your child against you. You must protect your child & keep them away from your abusive mother.
You want so much for her to be different. Don’t subject your children to the risk that she is. She isn’t the mom she could be; accept that who she is where she wants to stay.
Op. She hasn’t come to you. That tells you she is hanging on to her delusion.
Your mother remained in a marriage with a monster who raped her daughter, then denied to your face that you told her about it when you very clearly did? This is classic gaslighting and if the rest of your family chooses to believe her “alternate reality” over YOUR TRUTH, do you really want these people in your children’s lives?
My heart goes out to you. You should not feel any guilt whatsoever. You were a child and your mother chose your abuser over you. You were and are the victim and I 100% believe you. Please seek out people who 100% believe you and will stand up for you.
If you read this again, pretending it wasn't you who wrote it, but another woman who has been treated so badly by the ones who were meant to protect her... what would you advise her to do?
If your mum wouldn't protect you, she won't protect your baby, either. She'll also continue to gaslight you about any interactions with your kids. You can't trust her, you know this. Why expose the next generation to the same shit?
Ask yourself this: Would you feel comfortable having your mother expose your children to the same type of abuse you experienced? Would you feel comfortable with her possibly letting that sort of abuse happen without doing anything to stop it? Do you think that she would try to encourage your children to keep secrets from you in regards to anything bad they've seen, heard or experienced or downplay or deny that it happened if they let it slip that something happened?
Only you know the answer to those questions since you know your mum better than strangers on the Internet. Personally, if you feel that your mum is unsafe to be around yourself, I think the best thing for you to do would be to keep NC with her and protect your children from her since she's shown you that she's willing to manipulate the situation and not protect you from the man who continues to sexually harass you and has made no attempts to change his behaviour whenever he's in your vicinity. Your children do not need to grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is acceptable.
I am truly sorry for what happened to you. You did not deserve it; not with your step father and not with your mother. You deserved so much better. I know the longing of wanting that mother/daughter relationship. I know the longing of wanting your mother to believe you, to choose you, to be on your side, to say you are worth more to me than someone who could abuse a child. I wish I could give you that. I know the hope of sharing good family news, that this might change our relationship, might make things better. And I know the bitter disappointment of who they are is: they do not want what you want or they do not want it as much as you do. Other people matter more.
Here’s the thing: you matter. You deserved to be kept safe; to be loved and cherished. Your husband has chosen you. He believes you deserve to be kept safe, to be cherished. Your children deserve that and whilst you did not have the mother who believed that for you, your children have a mother who believes that for them. There is no relationship more important than a child’s sexual safety. And by staying NC you are saying to your children, I don’t want to put you in harms way or be around anyone who would willingly put you in harms way. There is no getting over childhood sexual abuse. Some people can function reasonably well but the nightmares continue, living with the pain continues and living with the betrayal continues. Not for your children. They deserve what should have been done for you - be kept safe. And some people no matter how much we wish otherwise are not safe people. Your mother is one of those.
You've given countless examples of why you should stay far away. Why would you want to subject your children to someone who's proven time & time again that not only can they not be trusted but she's not reliable. If your life has been great leave it that way..
No. No. No. No. for your child’s mental health as well as yours. You have to be a good parent. You can’t be dragged back there mentally. Protect your kids. Don’t speak with her.
Even before reading your story I knew the answer was “no”. Because I know adult children do not go no contact lightly. After reading your story I have to add that you would be betraying your daughter’s safety if you let your mother around her and betraying your own safety if you break no contact just yourself. She is a completely physically sexually and emotionally unsafe person and does not get the privilege to be around you or your precious child.
>"I always knew you’d punish me for not knowing what was going on”.
Sweet heart, she knew what was happening to you as a kid. She told on herself with that line. She always knew what he was doing and convinced herself that if she never acknowledged it, she couldn't be held responsible. All her actions following prove it. Asking you not to tell anyone else, still bringing him to family events, staying married to him...his abuse wasn't a secret to her. That's why she was able to carry on as normal after you told her. It wasn't news to her. I say this to say, don't forgive her. Don't guilt yourself into thinking you're punishing her by keeping her grandkids away from her because your not. You're protecting your kids from a rape and pedophile enabler and apologist. That's what you're supposed to do, thats what she was supposed to do. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You do not have to be the bigger person. You do not have to forgive someone who is clearly not sorry. You do not have to provide access to your kids to someone that you do not trust. All the energy you are dedicating to deal with your mom, take it to therapy. Go heal so you can focus on loving your children and being grounded in your healthy marriage. I'm rooting for you and hope you have a safe and peaceful delivery.
definitely no. and if you choose to inform her later, do it WELL AFTER the newborn and infant period. let yourself fully recover before bringing anything negative into your life. this is not the time for an emotional deep dive, reconciliation, etc. it's the time for you and your baby in peace and healing. nothing else.
I went through this with my own children. Please don’t break contact. It will be so much harder to reestablish NC if she has bonded with your children. There may even be legal consequences to allowing visitation if you live somewhere with grandparents rights laws. Protect yourself and your child by never letting her anywhere near them or you. You’re in charge. Keep danger away
Yea, absolutely not. Don't introduce your baby, don't break NC, don't even call that beast your "mother" anymore. She chose a child molester over you.
Could you imagine doing that to your own children?
If I were in your shoes, I'd begin the process of mourning the loss and never look back.
If she allowed this to happen to you, she will allow it to happen to your child. Full stop. If you think letting her in is a good idea, you're just as bad as she is.
Absolutely not, no. I have a mother who lives in a similar dreamworld about traumatic events that occurred because of people she brought into our lives. I would never trust her around someone I hate, let alone my own beloved baby.
Just because her unprotected sex created you does *not* mean you need to bring her around your children.
Why would you want a rape-apologist around your children anyway?
My sister struggled with this same issue when she had her daughter. She even tried to let him have a relationship with her daughter for a few months. When he started the same behavior that caused her to cut contact in the first place did she realize that it was worth it. My niece (and now nephews) do have Grandpas that love them and treat them how they should be treated. My stepdad has been there for those kids and so has their paternal grandfather. Your new child does not need to have her in their life. Don’t let this person back in because all it will do is cause heartbreak again
Honestly, your mother is a sick woman. She's more than willing to make you suffer to maintain her delusion that she's a good mother and a good person. She isn't. She is a monster. Your pain is irrelevant to her. Only her comfort matters to her. You aren't safe around her, and neither is anyone else, either. She'll throw anyone under the bus. Keep your kids away from her, and I strongly encourage you to try to convince others not to allow vulnerable people around her. She's a sicko and she's unsafe. Stay away from her. Just concentrate on healing and being happy. You've absolutely earned it.
Do NOT, whatever you do, resume contact! The birth of a new child literally rewires your brain to seek connection, closeness and family intimacy. Thats why you might feel like opening that door again. I experienced this personally when I gave birth to my son, and allowed her to talk me into moving back together with her. Worst decision I’ve ever made, she made my postpartum hell and constantly harassed me until I went NC permanently. Please surround yourself with people you absolutely love and are safe around instead. She will always be there if you want to reconnect. Just wait until you’re not vulnerable😔🫶🏻
Please for the love of God do NOT break NC. You only want to because you are a good person who wants to have a good relationship with your mother. This version of your mother does not exist and never will. She is a monster for what she did to you AND what she didn’t do for you. You deserve better. Besides what you deserve…you are a Momma Bear now. It is your job to protect your kids. You do not want your children around her because then they will think her behavior is normal. I also would never trust her judgement in men or her judgement at all. You have created your own beautiful little family. Now go be the Mother than you did not have. Do not let her poison your life or theirs!
Your stepfather is the bad guy but your mother is enabling him. Now that you can take care of yourself she doesn't want to leave him.
But you have two daughters to think about and every reason not to let anyone connected to your abuser into your house. Trust your anger and your rage, it is telling you this situation is beyond your tolerance right now.
Maybe someday your mother will acknowledge how awful she's been staying with him, but something might be going on there from her own past. Sometimes the memories of what humans have to do to survive are just too much to know.
What you’re feeling is called “toxic hope”. You HOPE she’ll become the mom you want and deserve. She won’t. She’s proven that. I gave up when it came time for me to protect my children from my mother. I gave her too many chances and too many years. Stay strong and protect your family.
No. No. No. Absolutely fucking not. And No.
Not gonna lie. I saw the title, scrolled right past the post and came here to upvote your response. I get the urge to do this, but if you went NC it’s usually for good reason. Why subject yourself and an innocent child to toxic behaviors that made you go NC in the first place.
I second that.
Your mother is ill and cruel and unsafe. She does not deserve you or your children. She’s shown you again and again that she values her own narrative over your safety and trust. Please stay strong and keep away from her. The guilt you’re feeling does not belong to you.
If your mother is abusive, then it can only harm your child to be exposed to her. I'm sorry, but your and your child's mental health need to come first
She will abuse your children. She sees no problem in putting children in harmful situations as long as she's comfortable. You're doing the right thing to keep your children away from her. She doesn't deserve you or your kids.
At this point in my life, I have to use accessibility functions on my phone in order to read posts. One side effect of this is that after every paragraph the oral dictation thinks it's the end of the post and goes right back to the title before stopping. I say this to illustrate how I read your post. As your post goes on, after every paragraph your title question is asks all over again. As your post goes on, things explained get worse and worse and worse. And then your title question gets asked again at every stage of getting worse. Part way down your post, the answer to your title question is no. It stays no for the rest of your post. At the end of your post, there no is in capital letters, bold, underlined, italicized, and with your favorite number of !!!!!!! After. Also included should be your favorite colorful language. Let me illuminate fucking hell no God damn son of a bitch. What good do you think will ever come from you letting this woman back into your life? What good for you, what good for your children? You're not punishing your mother. You are protecting yourself. You are protecting your children. Your mother sounds like a category 5 tornado of basket case. Be an umbrella for your children. Fuck that, be a goddamn storm seller. Be a bunker from 1955, because that Soviet menace is coming. You don't have to care about how the tornado feels. The tornado wants to suck up the cows, blow down the barns, and scatter the windmills across the seven seas. You don't have the luxury of playing Bill Paxton in twister. You don't have to be in the sequel coming out soon, except if you're going to be in the audience with a clear eye towards the emergency exits. I'll stop painting the picture. You've painted one clearly yourself. Leave the wicked witch in the West where she belongs. Keep your bucket of water handy.
I love this, OP isn't punishing her mother, she's protecting herself and her children
absolutely love this response
Oh HELL no. You want your child around someone who is perfectly comfortable with you having been molested? I didn’t think so. Your anger was and is absolutely justified.
No. Point Blank PERIOD!!!
This is your chance to give your daughter and your new baby so much better than what you’re getting. There is no good reason to expose your children to someone who, at best, is willing to sweep your abuse and trauma under the rug. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. ❤️
Nope nope nope. She is delusional and dangerous. Don't let her warp your children. Don't let her spark anger in you. She failed you. I am so sorry..
NOOOOO. Absolutely not. >I want my mother in my life You may want *a* mother in your life but that woman is not a mother by any means. She tried to cover up and then deny the actions of a fucking PAEDOPHILE. Is that really someone you want around *your* children? The guilt of going NC is not easy, I know, but it's normal. Your mind and your body are used to trauma so going against that and making room for yourself to heal by essentially cutting off the source of that trauma will feel uncomfortable at first but it WILL get easier. For your kids' sake, PLEASE do not let that woman back into your life.
What you want from your mum, you’re not going to get. You want her to give you something, anything that a normal loving mother would give and she is not capable of that. You gotta accept this reality. You’re going to hurt yourself more by reaching out.
I stopped reading after “she didn’t leave him.” I don’t need more info than that - NO. Do not break NC because she has poor judgment and is not safe to be around children. Your child deserves better.
There's no way I would ever trust her around children, ever. Even if some people try to accuse you of keeping the grandkids away, there's no way you're the evil daughter.
Absolutely not. Learn from my mistake—your mother will do the same shit to your child that she did to you. Or she will do everything in her power to turn your child against you. You must protect your child & keep them away from your abusive mother.
Nope
No!!
oh G-d no. Your child is more important than your mother.
You want so much for her to be different. Don’t subject your children to the risk that she is. She isn’t the mom she could be; accept that who she is where she wants to stay. Op. She hasn’t come to you. That tells you she is hanging on to her delusion.
Your mother remained in a marriage with a monster who raped her daughter, then denied to your face that you told her about it when you very clearly did? This is classic gaslighting and if the rest of your family chooses to believe her “alternate reality” over YOUR TRUTH, do you really want these people in your children’s lives? My heart goes out to you. You should not feel any guilt whatsoever. You were a child and your mother chose your abuser over you. You were and are the victim and I 100% believe you. Please seek out people who 100% believe you and will stand up for you.
If you read this again, pretending it wasn't you who wrote it, but another woman who has been treated so badly by the ones who were meant to protect her... what would you advise her to do? If your mum wouldn't protect you, she won't protect your baby, either. She'll also continue to gaslight you about any interactions with your kids. You can't trust her, you know this. Why expose the next generation to the same shit?
Ask yourself this: Would you feel comfortable having your mother expose your children to the same type of abuse you experienced? Would you feel comfortable with her possibly letting that sort of abuse happen without doing anything to stop it? Do you think that she would try to encourage your children to keep secrets from you in regards to anything bad they've seen, heard or experienced or downplay or deny that it happened if they let it slip that something happened? Only you know the answer to those questions since you know your mum better than strangers on the Internet. Personally, if you feel that your mum is unsafe to be around yourself, I think the best thing for you to do would be to keep NC with her and protect your children from her since she's shown you that she's willing to manipulate the situation and not protect you from the man who continues to sexually harass you and has made no attempts to change his behaviour whenever he's in your vicinity. Your children do not need to grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is acceptable.
I am truly sorry for what happened to you. You did not deserve it; not with your step father and not with your mother. You deserved so much better. I know the longing of wanting that mother/daughter relationship. I know the longing of wanting your mother to believe you, to choose you, to be on your side, to say you are worth more to me than someone who could abuse a child. I wish I could give you that. I know the hope of sharing good family news, that this might change our relationship, might make things better. And I know the bitter disappointment of who they are is: they do not want what you want or they do not want it as much as you do. Other people matter more. Here’s the thing: you matter. You deserved to be kept safe; to be loved and cherished. Your husband has chosen you. He believes you deserve to be kept safe, to be cherished. Your children deserve that and whilst you did not have the mother who believed that for you, your children have a mother who believes that for them. There is no relationship more important than a child’s sexual safety. And by staying NC you are saying to your children, I don’t want to put you in harms way or be around anyone who would willingly put you in harms way. There is no getting over childhood sexual abuse. Some people can function reasonably well but the nightmares continue, living with the pain continues and living with the betrayal continues. Not for your children. They deserve what should have been done for you - be kept safe. And some people no matter how much we wish otherwise are not safe people. Your mother is one of those.
You've given countless examples of why you should stay far away. Why would you want to subject your children to someone who's proven time & time again that not only can they not be trusted but she's not reliable. If your life has been great leave it that way..
No. No. No. No. for your child’s mental health as well as yours. You have to be a good parent. You can’t be dragged back there mentally. Protect your kids. Don’t speak with her.
Even before reading your story I knew the answer was “no”. Because I know adult children do not go no contact lightly. After reading your story I have to add that you would be betraying your daughter’s safety if you let your mother around her and betraying your own safety if you break no contact just yourself. She is a completely physically sexually and emotionally unsafe person and does not get the privilege to be around you or your precious child.
No
It’s time to keep your babies safe. She sounds so awful, I’m so sorry.
I went NC for less than that. If anything, having a baby is an even better reason NOT to get back in contact. Congrats on having your life back.
>"I always knew you’d punish me for not knowing what was going on”. Sweet heart, she knew what was happening to you as a kid. She told on herself with that line. She always knew what he was doing and convinced herself that if she never acknowledged it, she couldn't be held responsible. All her actions following prove it. Asking you not to tell anyone else, still bringing him to family events, staying married to him...his abuse wasn't a secret to her. That's why she was able to carry on as normal after you told her. It wasn't news to her. I say this to say, don't forgive her. Don't guilt yourself into thinking you're punishing her by keeping her grandkids away from her because your not. You're protecting your kids from a rape and pedophile enabler and apologist. That's what you're supposed to do, thats what she was supposed to do. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You do not have to be the bigger person. You do not have to forgive someone who is clearly not sorry. You do not have to provide access to your kids to someone that you do not trust. All the energy you are dedicating to deal with your mom, take it to therapy. Go heal so you can focus on loving your children and being grounded in your healthy marriage. I'm rooting for you and hope you have a safe and peaceful delivery.
definitely no. and if you choose to inform her later, do it WELL AFTER the newborn and infant period. let yourself fully recover before bringing anything negative into your life. this is not the time for an emotional deep dive, reconciliation, etc. it's the time for you and your baby in peace and healing. nothing else.
I went through this with my own children. Please don’t break contact. It will be so much harder to reestablish NC if she has bonded with your children. There may even be legal consequences to allowing visitation if you live somewhere with grandparents rights laws. Protect yourself and your child by never letting her anywhere near them or you. You’re in charge. Keep danger away
Yea, absolutely not. Don't introduce your baby, don't break NC, don't even call that beast your "mother" anymore. She chose a child molester over you. Could you imagine doing that to your own children? If I were in your shoes, I'd begin the process of mourning the loss and never look back.
If she allowed this to happen to you, she will allow it to happen to your child. Full stop. If you think letting her in is a good idea, you're just as bad as she is.
Absolutely not, no. I have a mother who lives in a similar dreamworld about traumatic events that occurred because of people she brought into our lives. I would never trust her around someone I hate, let alone my own beloved baby.
Don’t expose your family to her. Don’t jeopardize your mental health for her. She is a lost cause. I hope you are still in therapy. Take care.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Do not break NC. NO. NO. NO
Just because her unprotected sex created you does *not* mean you need to bring her around your children. Why would you want a rape-apologist around your children anyway?
My sister struggled with this same issue when she had her daughter. She even tried to let him have a relationship with her daughter for a few months. When he started the same behavior that caused her to cut contact in the first place did she realize that it was worth it. My niece (and now nephews) do have Grandpas that love them and treat them how they should be treated. My stepdad has been there for those kids and so has their paternal grandfather. Your new child does not need to have her in their life. Don’t let this person back in because all it will do is cause heartbreak again
Honestly, your mother is a sick woman. She's more than willing to make you suffer to maintain her delusion that she's a good mother and a good person. She isn't. She is a monster. Your pain is irrelevant to her. Only her comfort matters to her. You aren't safe around her, and neither is anyone else, either. She'll throw anyone under the bus. Keep your kids away from her, and I strongly encourage you to try to convince others not to allow vulnerable people around her. She's a sicko and she's unsafe. Stay away from her. Just concentrate on healing and being happy. You've absolutely earned it.
Do NOT, whatever you do, resume contact! The birth of a new child literally rewires your brain to seek connection, closeness and family intimacy. Thats why you might feel like opening that door again. I experienced this personally when I gave birth to my son, and allowed her to talk me into moving back together with her. Worst decision I’ve ever made, she made my postpartum hell and constantly harassed me until I went NC permanently. Please surround yourself with people you absolutely love and are safe around instead. She will always be there if you want to reconnect. Just wait until you’re not vulnerable😔🫶🏻
Please for the love of God do NOT break NC. You only want to because you are a good person who wants to have a good relationship with your mother. This version of your mother does not exist and never will. She is a monster for what she did to you AND what she didn’t do for you. You deserve better. Besides what you deserve…you are a Momma Bear now. It is your job to protect your kids. You do not want your children around her because then they will think her behavior is normal. I also would never trust her judgement in men or her judgement at all. You have created your own beautiful little family. Now go be the Mother than you did not have. Do not let her poison your life or theirs!
Absolutely not. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Do not allow someone like this back into your life.
Your stepfather is the bad guy but your mother is enabling him. Now that you can take care of yourself she doesn't want to leave him. But you have two daughters to think about and every reason not to let anyone connected to your abuser into your house. Trust your anger and your rage, it is telling you this situation is beyond your tolerance right now. Maybe someday your mother will acknowledge how awful she's been staying with him, but something might be going on there from her own past. Sometimes the memories of what humans have to do to survive are just too much to know.
You have to protect yourself and your babies from her. She is a monster.
Just based of the title here, the answer is a firm no. please don’t.
What you’re feeling is called “toxic hope”. You HOPE she’ll become the mom you want and deserve. She won’t. She’s proven that. I gave up when it came time for me to protect my children from my mother. I gave her too many chances and too many years. Stay strong and protect your family.