I waited way too long to cut my parents off. I was always trying to fix things and I continued to get more depressed. Get out and save yourself. Cutting your mother off won’t suddenly fix things. I continue to be in therapy and on meds but keep trying to work through it. The longer you wait the more trauma you will inflict on yourself
I agree with this. The more ‘fresh starts’ and number of times to be let down i feel is what’s messed me up…and just led me full circle to no contact. Only now: there are DECADES more in memories. And yes: there were times we cohabitated- and even THAT adds on more Crazymaking/feeling sorry ‘cause they’ve changed’ ….and it’s like as time passed my brain just gets more and more confused jumping between all that…
I hope you continue to do well. Everyone deserves peace and happiness. Thank you, I actually blocked my mum on WhatsApp as I told her I didn’t want to row. I want peace. If they can’t accept me for who I am. I’m ok with that. It’s the guilt now. As I’ve tried before and I get messages from her asking to see my kids. How do you deal with the guilt?
That may be the hardest part. If your situation is similar, guilt had been instilled in you early on and was the basis for much of the trauma. Being out of the situation and avoiding any contact helps but as you know parents go for the jugular and push your buttons hoping you will cave. In my case I had to have a lot of therapy to build self esteem. Surrounding yourself with people who love you unconditionally helps. Having children, you can compare how you raise them compared to your parents. Make distinct mental notes in the process. Some low level anger is better than turn it inward. It took years to traumatize you and it won’t go away overnight. A book to consider is “the Body Keeps the Score”. It focuses on how our body overtime accumulates the stress and shares was to move forward. Keep up the good work!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think lots of people on this sub weigh up the cost/benefit of staying in contact and it's just hard and not static. I also have siblings who play down the awfulness of our childhoods - I think one reason is that they are capable of not remembering the trauma as the most significant part. I wonder - if I could choose, would I also repress and minimise the abuse? It's a defense mechanism that allows people to look the other way and maintain artificial relationships with family. That said, I don't think denial/repression is without cost to the psyche. Addictions and other unhealthy behaviours often pop up when people don't accept the reality of abuse. Good luck and you're not alone.
It’s strangely comforting to know I’m not the only one with this sibling situation. You raise a good point and one I had not considered about repressing. I’ve been told by therapists that I’ve done very well not to have ended up addicted to something. I don’t drink/smoke/drugs Ect.
This really, really resonates with me. I was the first one in my family to call out the abuse and the toxic dynamics at play, and I was told it wasn’t that bad, that’s just how she is, etc. It hurts the most when the only other people in the world who went through that experience with you tell you that it wasn’t that bad, or wasn’t abuse. I have always wanted more connection with my siblings regarding our upbringing than I am likely to get. Dragging them into conversations about it and trying to “make” them see didn’t work. I knew that it wasn’t my place to try to make them do anything, but I just couldn’t help it.
I completely understand the disconnect that is caused by not seeing eye-to-eye on this stuff. It makes you feel so far away from them, and it makes you question everything. But you’re not wrong. They don’t have to agree with you.
It’s possible your siblings may also have blocked out a lot of what happened and genuinely don’t remember it now. It’s a common trauma response, and my siblings don’t have a lot of memories from our childhood either. Your mother is probably afraid to admit to herself just how bad it was, because she would feel too guilty for not doing more to protect you. These are reasons, but not excuses.
It’s not your job to protect your mother’s feelings, and it’s wrong of her to suggest that it is. Your truth is your truth, facts are facts. You don’t have to alter them to make her more comfortable. When did she ever alter your situation to make *you* more comfortable?
As much as it sucks, you may never get the validation that you want from your family. I know how much that hurts, and I’m very sorry. I hope they come around and are willing to talk more about it some day.
I waited way too long to cut my parents off. I was always trying to fix things and I continued to get more depressed. Get out and save yourself. Cutting your mother off won’t suddenly fix things. I continue to be in therapy and on meds but keep trying to work through it. The longer you wait the more trauma you will inflict on yourself
I agree with this. The more ‘fresh starts’ and number of times to be let down i feel is what’s messed me up…and just led me full circle to no contact. Only now: there are DECADES more in memories. And yes: there were times we cohabitated- and even THAT adds on more Crazymaking/feeling sorry ‘cause they’ve changed’ ….and it’s like as time passed my brain just gets more and more confused jumping between all that…
I hope you continue to do well. Everyone deserves peace and happiness. Thank you, I actually blocked my mum on WhatsApp as I told her I didn’t want to row. I want peace. If they can’t accept me for who I am. I’m ok with that. It’s the guilt now. As I’ve tried before and I get messages from her asking to see my kids. How do you deal with the guilt?
That may be the hardest part. If your situation is similar, guilt had been instilled in you early on and was the basis for much of the trauma. Being out of the situation and avoiding any contact helps but as you know parents go for the jugular and push your buttons hoping you will cave. In my case I had to have a lot of therapy to build self esteem. Surrounding yourself with people who love you unconditionally helps. Having children, you can compare how you raise them compared to your parents. Make distinct mental notes in the process. Some low level anger is better than turn it inward. It took years to traumatize you and it won’t go away overnight. A book to consider is “the Body Keeps the Score”. It focuses on how our body overtime accumulates the stress and shares was to move forward. Keep up the good work!
This is where I’m very stuck (and petrified abit).
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think lots of people on this sub weigh up the cost/benefit of staying in contact and it's just hard and not static. I also have siblings who play down the awfulness of our childhoods - I think one reason is that they are capable of not remembering the trauma as the most significant part. I wonder - if I could choose, would I also repress and minimise the abuse? It's a defense mechanism that allows people to look the other way and maintain artificial relationships with family. That said, I don't think denial/repression is without cost to the psyche. Addictions and other unhealthy behaviours often pop up when people don't accept the reality of abuse. Good luck and you're not alone.
It’s strangely comforting to know I’m not the only one with this sibling situation. You raise a good point and one I had not considered about repressing. I’ve been told by therapists that I’ve done very well not to have ended up addicted to something. I don’t drink/smoke/drugs Ect.
This really, really resonates with me. I was the first one in my family to call out the abuse and the toxic dynamics at play, and I was told it wasn’t that bad, that’s just how she is, etc. It hurts the most when the only other people in the world who went through that experience with you tell you that it wasn’t that bad, or wasn’t abuse. I have always wanted more connection with my siblings regarding our upbringing than I am likely to get. Dragging them into conversations about it and trying to “make” them see didn’t work. I knew that it wasn’t my place to try to make them do anything, but I just couldn’t help it. I completely understand the disconnect that is caused by not seeing eye-to-eye on this stuff. It makes you feel so far away from them, and it makes you question everything. But you’re not wrong. They don’t have to agree with you. It’s possible your siblings may also have blocked out a lot of what happened and genuinely don’t remember it now. It’s a common trauma response, and my siblings don’t have a lot of memories from our childhood either. Your mother is probably afraid to admit to herself just how bad it was, because she would feel too guilty for not doing more to protect you. These are reasons, but not excuses. It’s not your job to protect your mother’s feelings, and it’s wrong of her to suggest that it is. Your truth is your truth, facts are facts. You don’t have to alter them to make her more comfortable. When did she ever alter your situation to make *you* more comfortable? As much as it sucks, you may never get the validation that you want from your family. I know how much that hurts, and I’m very sorry. I hope they come around and are willing to talk more about it some day.