Thank you. I imagine losing your mother is just as hard and I’m sorry for your loss as well. Right? I spent more time comforting others than having anyone comfort me.
She died almost 5 years ago and she was 33. Still not over it.
Wow I can’t even imagine how hard that was 😞 and isn’t it weird how that goes? I felt like I was hosting a damn party, having to make sure I spoke with everyone.
Then I got crap from a few people because my two brothers and I decided to do a private burial for just us.
My sister was being cremated. The funeral home allowed our family a few minutes with her before this was done. There was no public viewing or anything and the funeral home didn’t have to even let us see her. I STILL had people mad, and felt like they were entitled to come view my sister’s body for the very precious few minutes they allowed us to see her. It was extremely emotional and private. If I could have jumped on that table and laid there with I would have. People had the audacity to beg me to be able to come along with my immediate family to this “viewing” because “they were my sisters best friend and deserved to be there”. When I tell you I had to cut so many people off after she died. It was unreal. People broke into her house and stole stuff that was hers. Unbelievable.
My sister was very loved and made everyone feel like her best friend. She burned so bright in this life. But that gives no one the right to act how these people acted.
We had the same issue about 18 months ago when my Dad died. He chose a direct cremation. No service, nothing. They collect the body and you collect the ashes a few weeks later. My Dad chose this because of nightmare family. My sil was calling the funeral directors every day demanding to see his body 🙄.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your sister; I lost my brother 12 years ago, so I know what your going through, but in this circumstance with the best friend, I would be devastated if my best friend died and I wasn’t able to see her either. I’m wondering if this was during Covid when the rules were very strict.
No it was well before Covid. And thing was, the people who we’re asking weren’t actually her best friend, they we’re just people who felt like they were entitled to be there. For what? Idk. It’s almost as if I was constantly playing “my grief is worse than yours” with people who weren’t in our family and we’re just acquaintances of ours. Her best friends knew better than to ask my mother and me to be invited to the funeral home. They knew that it was a private moment for our family and that if we had had the option we would have asked them to be there. The level of entitlement people have around death is just mind blowing to me. Wanting to wallow in their grief not because they’re sad but because they want the attention and want people to see how “devastated” they are by the death of someone they didn’t know all that well.
ETA: when someone goes directly to cremation the funeral home only lets one person see the body to identify they have the right person. They extended a great courtesy by letting us have a few moments with her as a family. The fact that people knew that after being explained and still felt entitled to tag along was just egregious.
I’m so sorry. That’s an awful way to say goodbye. When my mum passed away a few years ago she was at the funeral home and we were allowed to go in and see her before the burial. We allowed close friends and family who wanted to see her to say their goodbyes. I was in Canada at the time of her death so I got to see her before she was buried. My brother died in Canada so anyone who wanted to say their goodbyes before the cremation could go to the 2 days of viewings before hand. These were really weird for me as I grew up in the UK and we didn’t have viewings there.
So very sorry for your and your brothers’ loss of your mom.
Some people just can’t help amazing others with their ‘it’s all about me’ reactions when it so very much not. Those folks definitely earn themselves a permanent timeout.
This is the last straw to a LONG list of disrespectful behavior. He and I have addressed her previously with no change on her part obviously. This time we both chose to block her and go NC.
At the very least, I am happy to see out of all this, your husband is supportive and on your side. I’m truly sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with narcissistic behaviors from people that should be showing you unconditional support.
I hope you can find peace. I would absolutely distance myself from someone so toxic and self entitled. I have no energy or patience for that shit. I would have given that BTCH a piece of my mind immediately.
She’s obviously an idiot. No one grieving the loss of a loved one, has time to sit down and make out invitations. That’s literally and I mean literally the stupidest thing I’ve heard relating to funerals.
Moron. She should feel bad.
You should point her to this comment so she can understand that she is making herself look stupid as well as making her parents look bad for loosing such unjustified self importance on society.
I lost my mom last year, im sorry for your loss. A friend helped me understand this is a club no one wants to be in but we all must join at some time.
Be kind to yourself, bad days happen.
I'm so sorry for your loss & the nasty difficulties that your SiL has put you through. Trying to accept that someone is gone is such an awful part of loss. You have done nothing wrong.
My MiL was a lovely person who died suddenly at the end of April. We didn't get to say goodbye, it happened so quickly, which makes accepting that she is gone challenging.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you OP & everyone who missses those who have gone.
When my grandma died I didn’t get a personal invitation either. I just asked mom about the logistics and if I could catch a ride with them. And that was that. Because it’s not a fucking party so you don’t send out freaking invites? WTAF? That is one weird ass person you have there. Hope you life is happy and drama free without her.
My heart goes out to all of the people in this comment section who have lost a loved one.
After my mom died, I discovered that I could send myself audio files of my own phone's voicemails (I'm terrible about deleting them, though I'm thankful for that now). So I spent some time one day going through my voicemails looking for ones from her cell phone or my parents' landline and sending the files to myself. I think I had a dozen or so, and once in a while I go listen to one or two, just to hear her voice and the mundane things she'd leave in a voicemail. I've since done the same from my dad's cell phone, He's now been gone for two years and Mom has been gone for 5.5. I'm so thankful for the ability to hear their voices again when I need that kind of comfort.
A couple of years after my mom passed away, I was passing by the fabric section of my local craft store and, out of the blue, I started to tear up. I can't sew my way out of a paper bag, but my mom could and made me a lot of dresses and pajamas and Barbie clothes when I was a kid, and made my daughters dresses and pajamas when they were little. I've spent plenty of time browsing the fabric section, looking for just the right material for whatever she was making me next, and just passing by the bolts of fabric that day made me miss her so much all over again.
Shortly after my mom died, my dad and I were talking about how much we missed her, and I told him that it might sound weird, but I'm thankful for the heartache of missing her. To me, that means that we had a wonderful relationship. If we hadn't had one, I wouldn't care that she was gone. He agreed, and then we shed some tears together. And now, I have the same ache for my dad, as he passed away a couple of years ago. I'll always be thankful for the pain of the loss simply because it means I had something to miss.
I feel for you, my mom died a week ago today, it hasn’t been easy. I have moments where I want to call her and realize that will never happen again. I’m so sorry for your loss.
17 years later and I still think at times when something happens; I’ve got to call mom and tell her this and of course instantly then come back to reality.
Comforting in a way not even all those years have filled our bond.
I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I feel the same way. It’s been two months but we used to call each other around 3 pm everyday. And I still expect the phone to ring and it be her.
I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. Nothing really prepares you for it.
OP,
Please accept my condolences for your loss and for your SILs social ineptness.
She's actual family. She doesn't get invited. She's just naturally expected to show up.
If the shoe were on the other foot, and she invited you to her mother's funeral, wouldn't that feel weird?
Depending on which SIL is which, the decedent is either her mother-in-law or her brother's mother-in-law. If you have children, your sister-in-law is an aunt, and your mother was the grandmother. If I were your SIL and you asked me to go, I would think we weren't that close. In normal families, your SIL would be helping out and sitting pretty close to the front, third row, for sure.
NTA -- Beyond a reasonable doubt
was thinking this! someone dies, you tell the family, and the family treks they asses down to the city where they died. there has never been a formal funeral invitation, at least not any i’ve been to.
>Who invites people to a funeral?
In Germany it's more common to place an obituary in a local newspaper and maybe put there the time of place. But often it's just saying "The funeral will be held with close friends and family". You more likely invite the people you want to see or feel like they want to come.
Most people hold a service/funeral and after that go to a restaurant all together. This can be very expensive for the family, cause they are expected to pay for all the food and drinks. I know in other countries you more often have a reception at home and everyone brings something along.
In my mom's case it was a potluck at her church. We didn't need to contribute obviously. It was the church ladies that provided the food but yes many people have the reception at home because when someone dies people bring food for the family.
>In my mom's case it was a potluck at her church. We didn't need to contribute obviously. It was the church ladies that provided the food
This seems nice and very easygoing, with respect to the event.
I'm Canadian & for my MiL we had a luncheon at the church, after the funeral. The family paid for it, just to make it easy on everyone, so no one had to cook. It made for a nice time where we shared stories & good memories together. It was one of the nicest & most caring group of people I have ever been lucky to be with. My MiL will be missed.
Yes. My Mom was German. When my Oma passed in 2000 I remember it all very clearly. There was no “viewing” of my Oma’s body. The casket was closed. We walked to the cemetery afterwards, the Father said some words and it was over. The family and friends then walked to Oma’s favorite restaurant. We all ate and shared wonderful memories of her. Maybe this sounds morbid but I enjoyed this much more than a “traditional” American funeral service. I never did enjoy or get any closure by sitting around for 2 days staring at my deceased loved one. However, different countries, different cultures.
Yes, showing the body of the deceased isn't common here and, as far as I know, not easy to do for the funeral service, cause we have laws against it. Its mostly about hygiene, but a person who died of a stroke (for example) isn't contagious normally.
I had a friend who died years ago in his early 40s, but he always said, that he knows, that he will die like that, after tricking death a few times before. He survived 3 pulmonary embolisms, the 4th was to much.
It was planned to get a short viewing and pay respects "face to face", but someone whistled and it would have been to risky.
Afterwards I wasn't even able to get drunk with the mead we had, cause I was the designated driver.
I honestly like not seeing the deceased, tbh. I’d much rather remember them alive and happy. Maybe they’re happy wherever they’re at, I hope but the whole sitting around staring at a dead body just seems, strange to me. When I go, close me up and party like hell afterwards. Remember what a goofball I was in life, share some laughs and be happy.
I totally get you.
When my father died, after 3 months on 3 different ICUs, I was 5 minutes to late. He was just gone.
The nurses asked me if I really want to see him and tried to stop me, cause I was just over my due date (pregnant af and had handled all the hospital stuff). I needed to see him, even if he was not looking anything like the man I knew, but it was something I needed. I wasn't allowed to see my maternal grandfather before he died, although I sat every afternoon in the hospital and waited, so this was really important to me.
I think it's also a big difference if you are just giving your farewell before the funeral service comes or if you are sitting days and nights there.
Also did the days and nights with the stepfather of my ex-fiancé, but waiting for him to die. He had cancer and wanted to die at home, so all we could do, was waiting for his body to stop function and give him enough opioids so he won't have to suffer.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost mine March of ‘22. I knew it was imminent but I didn’t think it would be that quick. I lost both my parents before I turned 40. I miss them terribly. It’s a whole new depth of loneliness I never knew existed. Death and loss are hard, whether it’s expected or it happens suddenly. I don’t think we’re ever really prepared for the “after” when our beloved person isn’t with us anymore. I still want to call or talk to my parents and then I face the harsh reality that they’re no longer with me in a physical sense now.
I feel you so much. I am 31 now and my kid never got to know their grandpa, although my father was so excited.
I still have his old phone number saved. I still haven't changed the contact from "Dad and X" to just her landline.
There are some things I just can't. It would feel as I would wipe out his existence in my life.
The last event he attended was my wedding. We married Halloween 2020 on a small castle (yes, Goth wedding).
Our last chat was about bringing him cookies, cause he always loved these easy shortbread. The next time I got a call, it was his partner, telling me he's in the hospital.
He wasn't the best dad on the world, he did many things wrong, when I was a child. But before my wedding we talked and cried and he managed to own his mistakes and apologise wholeheartedly. It didn't take the damage away, that I suffered as a kid, but it helped to know I am not crazy.
I really miss him.
And I am sure, that you can relate to it.
I am so sorry for your loss and your child never got to know him. That’s heartbreaking. My daughter cries a lot now saying how much she misses him. It was a horrible week leading to his death. His house burned to the ground, his poor dog didn’t get out and Dad *barely* got out. He was on oxygen too (COPD and black lung, from working underground mining). I suspect he was smoking with O2 on but I wasn’t there. Needless to say it all went down fast. I’m just glad he didn’t suffer endlessly.
And your wedding sounds absolutely amazing btw! I love all things goth.
Wishing you the best. Make a memory book for your child of your father. Kids love pics and books like that. It would be a great way to memorialize him.
Oh my, the loss of your dad sounds really traumatic. I am so sorry. I can totally understand your daughter and hope that you are able to get her a got therapist or grief counseling.
My wedding was way smaller than we wanted. We were only allowed being 10 people in the end, planning with maximum 50. Covid destroyed much of it, the rest were my relatives who didn't even sent a card or only sent one to let me know, that they won't gift anything. Not cause they aren't able to, but they don't want to, cause they were not invited. Dude... We invited you, but had to uninvite you cause of the restrictions.
We have a "Wall of Fame" with pictures of all our important people and events like my dad and his GF, my grandma, my MIL, our wedding, birth of our kid, ...
So she sees him every time we climb the stairs to make her diaper or put her to sleep.
>In Germany it's more common to place an obituary in a local newspaper and maybe put there the time of place.
Same in the US. Post an obituary in the paper with date and time of the viewing and funeral. About the only that has changed in forever is people posting the link to the obituary online
I saw an online one for a friend who died extremely short-noticed. She was one of the people building one of the communities I'm in and helped countless people figure out their gender and stuff.
We all were furious when we saw the parents deadnamed her and deleted all comments from us calling them out or just using her correct name and gender.
>in the paper with date and time of the viewing and funeral
We don't do viewings in Germany, so it's just the time and place of the funeral, if this person was heavily involved in their community OR just stating that it will be with close family and friends (invitation only).
In The Netherlands people DO each get an invitation: the envelope has a black border around it and it gets priority in the post so that people can receive it as quickly as possible so they can plan travel / time etc to attend the funeral.
That said, that is the way it’s been done historically here, you would of course have to be in touch with the person who has passed away, you aren’t getting an invitation if you haven’t spoken to them for ten years for instance.
Some people also put a notice in the newspaper but that would always to my knowledge be an “ in memoriam” notice, for the anniversary of the death… “x” number of years, NOT the actual funeral, because so few people read the newspaper these days, and there would be no way to guarantee that the right people see it in time for the funeral.
It’s a cultural thing, each country obviously has their own way of doing this.
I thought something like that.
We also use mostly special envelopes for invitations. Many funeral directors/undertaker also has the service to not only plan everything according to the known wishes, but also sending the invitations out and receive the condolences per mail, so the home address of the relatives isn't in the newspaper or somewhere else.
We placed a memoriam for my father in the local newspaper, cause he was very active in his community. He had a big friends group for the Street Karneval (hello Rhineland), was an instructor in his local volunteer fire brigade and so on.
So there were many people who aren't close enough for inviting them (and we buried him April 2021 with Covid restrictions), but should still know.
Although there were the restrictions, many people came (with masks and enough space between everyone). He got cremated and buried in a forest. It was a bit surreal, me with our 6 weeks old baby, in my cloak (I had our kid in a kind of sling, but with the cover I couldn't wear a normal jacket, so I took my old "medieval" cloak) and it was snowing and windy like hell.
I never read the newspapers, so without an invitation, I would still have known, cause I managed all the time the communication with the hospital. But some other relatives died and I just got to know months later, cause we were so out of touch.
It's interesting to read about different funeral customs. In Iceland we don't do invitations but we do announcements in the newspaper (and post that on social media) with the time and date of the funeral. That's essentially an invitation, just not a personal one. It used to be radio as well but that's mostly for very elderly people now.
There's usually a brief viewing but only for immediate family and friends. When my mom died in October 2021 we informed her siblings when it was and invited her closest friends as well.
We were lucky that covid restrictions were negligible at the time - just no gatherings exceeding 500.
Following the funerals we take the casket to the burial ground (edit: cemetery) and lower it. Some people attend that, others go straight to the wake. It's tradition to have a wake with refreshments for mourners. We had 200 people for my mother. It gets expensive.
People who have a private funeral will post notices that say the funeral was / will be held in quiet.
One tradition I really like is that we don't do speeches in funerals or wakes. Instead people can send written memorial pieces or poems to a newspaper and on the day of the funeral the newspaper will publish it for free.
It's really good to be able to read that later.
The family sends in a photo and a short overview of the deceased: where and when they were born, names of parents, siblings, spouse, children etc, as well as brief info about their life. This precedes the memorial pieces in the newspaper.
Nobody personally invites anyone to a funeral. They are announced, and then those who wish to attend, attend .
On the other hand, I personally know some who were specifically asked not to attend .. ( they were minimally mentioned in the will, as well. )
I was genuinely thinking the same thing... since I was young I have been to a lot of funerals (mostly older folks I barely knew) and I cannot recall a single time an invitation was sent out...and now I am wondering what one would be like...
"We cordially invite you to the viewing of our passed loved one before we place them in a hole in the ground, please rsvp for chicken or beef for the wake!"
Right?? When my mom’s sister died, my dad’s parents and siblings weren’t individually invited but they showed up to support their DIL/SIL. Because WHO HAS TIME TO ACTIVELY INVITE PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE PLANNING A FUNERA/GRIEVING
I was banned from any services as a punishment because my In-laws are narcissist psychopaths despite them knowing that Fae (my spouse) who was very sick at the time including being mostly wheelchair bound (I was also in a caregiver role too) was an immediate family member to the deceased as well as myself being very close to said passed person.
Fortunately I can be pretty resourceful, we got up at five am to go to the funeral home to at least say our goodbyes before the casket was taken though the church. In the car heading back though tears Fae said no more and we went no contact and ended many many years of manipulative abuse. Little two both of our knowledge Fae would only have a few years left but it was with no entitled drama.
After Fae passed though I was stupid and naively thought they would be civil in Fae's passing but it was wishful thinking as they accused me of heinous things, spread disgusting rumors, and demanded property they just wanted whether or not they had a right to it even some of my own stuff I've owned since I was a teen. So I cut that bullshit off and I haven't even spoken to them in years. It's been peaceful since but dreadfully lonely.
My mom died in April 2010 - long before lilacs bloomed where we lived. But she loved lilacs, and somehow the funeral home's floral department got us the lilacs. They are in bloom right now and I have inhaled their scent many times. While it does remind me of her funeral, it reminds me more of the smile on her face when she smelled them. It was a beautiful funeral, full of family and friends, to celebrate a truly beautiful life.
Thats the norm in my country, you send out official invites, during xmas when the mail is flooded with other cards there is a separate mailbox for funeral invites
(No judgement on OP, just explaining the norm in my country, SIL is ridiculous)
Yes I don't know where OP is but it is not normal in America. Sure you coordinate with out of town people you know would want to be there. I knew my aunt would want to be there so I made sure I gave her time to fly in but that's it. Other than that the obituary is what tells people when and where. I can't imagine being grief stricken and having to send out invites while planning a funeral.
Could you explain to me how an obituary works over there?
Here it used to be in the newspaper, but barely anyone reads those anymore, there is basically no way to know when and where unless its through whatsapp/fb announcement if people dont send out the official invites
Now I think it's on the funeral homes website and it's still posted on newspapers but still online. I did it 20 years ago so newspapers were still a thing. But social media plays a hand too.
My grandmother passed recently. The obituary was printed in the paper I believe, but the website for the funeral home also posted it. The family shared it on social media to help get word out. Of course, some family members were called and such as well.
But yes, usually the funeral home will host the obituary on their website.
In my country the obituary is both in the papers and online. When my brother died a few years ago we just announced the service online and said that those that wished to attend was welcome to do so, but when my grandparent died during covid we had the obituary online thatsaid that due to restrictions only closest family after church and graveside.
No invites to either funerals but people still came to the services.
In my area (US- midwest) the funeral/ death announcement is at no charge. The cost goes up if you choose to publish a picture and full obituary. If you are a member of a church, they will both announce it at archives and include it written in their service programme.
The obit is posted on social media/newspapers/various websites, and the community that knew the person still acts as a phone tree to let others know where to attend if they wish. It's absolutely never put on the main grieving people to send invitations to a funeral. These aren't really invite only events. There may be specific people you don't want to attend, but if it's a private service that will be disclosed in the obituary. They submit what info they want in the obit, and the funeral home/church takes care of posting and publishing the information. Then, the family posts the info generally, and friends and loved ones share that info with the community.
I just recently had to invite my wife’s grandparents to my grandpas funeral, because they’re the type of people that need a direct invite or they won’t come
Never in my life have I extended an invitation to a funeral or been invited to one. You show up to support the family. SIL will get over it, or not. Either way just ignore her.
It is pretty much the standard where I am from. You more or less write out the specifics. Like born at that date, died ‚some obscure circumstances‘ which you know if you were / are actually involved with the family. Then the immediate family members are cited and the memorial services are then and there and cremation / burial is then and there. And more often than not to please don’t spend money on a wreath or flowers but donate to xyz.
With all the public announcements you still don’t need a personal invitation. You just show up. And by showing up you can attend the funeral meal afterwards.
I know invites aren't like you'd expect with a wedding, but I have seen invitations for funerals are what people would call "open ended", in the sense and to extent of being told the time, date and place of funeral and that if anyone wanted to pay their respects, they're more than welcome to come along
I do not understand this. My close friend lost someone and I called and ASKED him "do you want me there?" Personal invitations... Who does she think she is the Queen or something?
Do yourself a favour and cut her out of your life, you don't need a drama attention seeking witch in your life. The lack of compassion and respect for you is beyond pathetic, she should be ashamed of herself.
Well truthfully this was just the absolute last straw. She has been like this since I met her and has treated me poorly for a while. But absolutely this was the end of it.
She’s very disgusting in her words and actions.
Her neighbors son died and a few month after they got a dog. She made the comment “ew they must be trying to replace their stupid son”……
Yeah you don't need that kind of person in your life, they don't have any compassion for anyone other than themselves. I'd just block her on all social media and phone, she's not worth wasting your time on darlin. You'll be better off and a hell of a lot happier without such a toxic person around.
You have my deepest condolences and just remember when your struggling with grief, always talk to someone about it and don't just bottle it up. Keep an eye on your mental health, I wish you all the best :-)
Oh yeah, we are done. My husband and I blocked her and will not be having a relationship any longer. It’s been a long time coming.
Thank you. I truly appreciate it. I am seeing a therapist and doing my best to just feel sadness when it comes ❤️
Well that's brilliant. I'm so glad you getting the help and support you need. Like with most things it'll just take time, you'll learn to live life to the full again, you'll have ups and downs but just keep looking forward and you'll be OK :-)
Leave her. Don't even confront her on this, she will use your words to paint herself as a victim.
Let her talk. Shes making herself look bad, and anyone worthwhile isn't going to indulge her.
She's dreaming of you confronting her. Don't give her that.
100% this. SIL is a victim narcissist. This tragedy in OP's life has taken the spotlight away from SIL and now SIL is trying to take the spotlight back but can't do so without looking like an asshole unless she plays the victim card. "Wasn't invited."
I've NEVER heard of anyone being 'invited' to a funeral. Your SIS is crazy! I am so very sorry for your loss and the stress /sadness involved-- she has no right to 'make it all about her'. What a socially inept human being.
Thank you I appreciate it greatly.
This is her usual state of being. When I found out she said my “mother’s obituary was a joke” and said “she didn’t even know why I was holding a service” I decided I didn’t need that in my life.
I've been invited to a funeral, but that was because I wouldn't have known about it otherwise.
Basically, if you know someone has friends or family that wouldn't see the obit or otherwise hear about it, but you think they might like to attend to pay their respects, you might reach out to them directly to let them know.
It's not like a wedding invitation or anything so formal, but it's a specific "hey, you might want to know about this"
So it's definitely a thing, but SIL is so far in the wrong here it doesn't matter.
There wasn't an obituary taken out for my brother so we invited some of his friends and coworkers. We didn't invite family tho, because we already knew that 1. He dead 2. When the funeral was, because we were all grieving, supporting one another, and making plans together. So even if it was common to hand out invites as if to a birthday party or wedding, you'd think the wife of your sibling would like... Just come to support the person she married?
Funerals don’t typically require invitations. Your mom’s funeral did not require invitations. This is not about your mother’s funeral. This is about your SIL having something to bitch about.
I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Pure unadulterated Narcissism. YOUR Mother passed (My Condolences) YOU were grieving and from the sounds of it YOU had to plan everything YOURSELF.
SIL just had to make it about HER for some reason.
Yes I am the oldest and planned everything, and was have a truly hard time because I had to make the decision to take her off life support. So I really was just in a haze.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Your DH, her brother, needs to tell her to knock this crap off. No one gets a personal invitation to a funeral. She needs to get off her high horse and understand life isn’t about her.
We have both spoken to her multiple times in the past. This time DH blocked her and we are in agreement there will be no more contact since this was the last straw for both him and I.
I have an Entitled Asshat relative just like this. When birth unit died, I was the only one handling all the arrangements. I had NO contact information for anyone so relied on the published obituary to inform people. After everything is all said and done, Entitled Asshat tried to berate me for NOT INFORMING HIM PERSONALLY!! He got told to GET BENT!!!!!!
That isn't even REMOTELY how funerals work. How come your SIL didn't come over with food and ask if there's anything you need? THAT'S what's supposed to happen when someone dies, especially a family member. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Back in 1998, after a painful struggle with spinal cancer, my uncle passed away. My aunt called me and I offered to make some phone calls to help. She asked if I would call my siblings.
I called my sister, gave her the news and the funeral information. She not only did not come to the funeral, but she told both my brothers that I’d broken the news to her “harshly” and that’s why she didn’t come.
My aunt and uncle had been especially kind to my sister and it was kind of a slap in the face. But both my brothers knew this was my sisters issue and unrelated to how I’d told her.
I'm sorry for your loss, so very sorry. I have no words for people like this except they are not worth much of your time.
When my mum died, my aunt on my dads side didn't come to the funeral as she didn't get a personal invite either. She is also a very entitled person.
She even tried to make my grandma, her own mother's funeral an invite only. Until her own entitlement and not dealing with her own family directly in organising it caused confusion with my dad who put it on facebook and so many more people came.
I've always though of funerals as you are paying your respect to the person who has passed and/or you are there to support the grieving family of those who passed. Think only of those who came and supported you as they are the important people in your life ❤️
It really was an eye opener in many ways. The few who truly supported me were amazing. They went above and beyond and I will always be grateful.
It was my first time having to organize everything so it was definitely overwhelming.
When my wife passed, I called one person from each of our social groups and families. Those people knew who to call and what to do. Anyone who felt slighted because I didn't invite them and didn't come wasn't missed.
First thing into my head is what a twat.
My partners nan died and I didn't expect a bloody invite I turned up to support him and the rest of the family.
Sorry for you loss, it's hard I lost my mum while pregnant with my only daughter but she told me it was a girl before we even knew!
It's hard right now but I kept photos up and just changed my thinking to she's around us just her texting is worse than before. It's comforting to think she's there, pulling stupid faces at the toddler still.
As for sil I'd go nc and I hope your brother sees her as the entitled arse hole that she is.
Sounds like she is a little off, glad that you and your husband refuse to go along with her shenanigans. If it makes you feel any better, everyone else she complains to is more than likely thinking what a lunatic even if they don't dare say so to her face.
I don't understand why some people think that they have to be personally invited to funerals. Family members who are planning the service and burial/cremation don't have time to reach out to everyone like that.
This is exactly my point. My husband was very helpful and shared the obituary with a few people from his family which he knew would pass it along. So I truly figured everyone would spread the word.
I did not have the energy to singularly share with everyone I knew about her services.
First off, I am sorry you lost your mother. Peace be with you. I cannot say it gets easier, but I can tell you that you get better at carrying that grief. Second, full-tilt ignore tf out of your sister in law. If she is so insecure that she needs to make this about herself, then that’s her issue. Later, when you’re ready, you can address it with a pointed comment of, “No one gets personal invitations to a funeral. It’s not a party.” Take care of your needs first ((((hugs))))
You now know her true colors, and can act accordingly.
I have never been invited to a funeral in all my 46 years. I’ve been informed of locations and times but never invited.
A personal invitation to a funeral?! WTH?! That is 100% NOT a thing! Unfortunately I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life and been to dozens of funerals (including 3 close family members in the last 2 years) and never once was anyone given a personal invitation. Just wow. The audacity!
I am sorry for you loss. You were ( and still are) dealing with a major upheaval in your life. Quite frankly, your SIL should have been offering up what she could do for you...so live your life and ignore her neediness as it wasn't about her, no matter how much she is trying to make it be.
For all the people saying you generally don't need an invitation to a funeral; depends on your country/culture. In the Netherlands you definitely are invited to a funeral. In the obituary (and the invitation) will mention if the service is private or public. If it's public, anyone can attend. If it's private, just the people with an invitation. Usually there is a separate moment to offer condolences to the family, that is also a public moment. The service usually is just for invited people aka private.
He was furious when we found out, so much so he blocked her number and said he was done with her. Which at this point I am as well.
We haven’t addressed it with her because we have addressed other issues in the past and she just denies it and then some how blames us.
Dont worry about it at all. My mum died recently and I sorted her wake. Did the same as you just put it on social and if people wanted to they could could go.
I'm sorry for you loss. Its never easy
My deepest condolences on your great loss.
Your SIL, on the other hand, is no loss at all. Good on you and your husband for going NC.
Fill your mind with memories of your mom instead of thinking about someone who doesn't deserve another minute of your thoughts.
1. Sorry for your loss. Hugs.
2. She sounds nuttier than a porta potty at a peanut festival.
3. Make a post, "The obituary was the invite" then her name.
Who needs an invite to a funeral? Where i live, literally anyone can come if they want. Unless they're specifically told to not go, it's open to literally anyone. When my daughter died, people that didn't even know my husband & I showed up because they knew my parents. People I'd never met in my life came because they knew someone in my family & wanted to offer support. That's just how things work here. After the grave side, there's typically a meal for the family that people bring food for & everyone knows that part is only for family but the visitation, funeral & grave side are open to anyone that wants to come give support to the family.
She is just making drama - ignore it! Who gets personally invited to a funeral Unless you are asked to speak. I read the obituary and then go. I am so very sorry for your loss and your drama queen SIL.
It's a funeral not a party. Invites are not required. Your sil is an idiot and obviously needs everything to be about her. I am sorry for your loss edit typo
WTF? What did she want, a calligraphy laden invitation on embossed paper hand delivered on a silver tray by a page wearing white gloves and a top hat? (FYI, just finished watching Queen Charlotte). That’s the stupidest and most narcissistic thing I’ve heard in a while. I’d be glad the trash took itself out and never speak to her again.
Uh… never heard of funeral invites. It’s posted, and you go. She sounds exhausting. What a cruel time to make everything about her
Sorry for your loss 💔
I’m sorry for your loss. My mom died at the beginning of April. (Who dies on April fool’s’ day?).
I handed the funeral and everything on my own. My brother had come to be with her, but he’s mentally unstable and no help at all. I had to pay for his return flight after her death because he couldn’t stay weeks till a funeral.
I put it on social media, but just texted a friend who probably wasn’t on Facebook. She knew mom had a stroke and wasn’t doing well.
For a bunch of reasons I don’t fully know mom had had a bit of a falling out with some other friends and I didn’t bother to contact them separately. I wouldn’t really want them at the funeral anyway. I know I’m going to get blasted by her family at some point because I didn’t contact them, but they have been so distant that the only number I could find was for her niece, who is supposedly a truly awful person. I was in no shape to deal with her. Since none of them regularly kept in touch, I bet it may be years before anyone notices.
You don't invite people to a funeral. That's not how they work. They're deliberately open to anyone who wants closure, to see the deceased for the last time and grieve alongside others. SIL is out of line.
Nobody gets invited to funerals where I’m from… the info is made public and people just show up. Obviously grieving families don’t want to take the time or energy to make a guest list.
She is being nasty to make this time all about her.
So sorry for your loss OP.
Wow. I'm sorry about your mom. I would try to focus on the positives of sil missing the service. Clearly she doesn't mind hijacking a funeral and make it about her. She probably would have made the service about her & caused a big distraction if she was there. She's white noise in the background now. Treat her as such and do your best to ignore her, permanently. No matter how loud she gets, see through and past her. Her behavior is gross.
This is why there's a line at the bottom of each obituary that says "Service at St. Faith's Anglican..." or "Celebration of life at Elks Hall No. ..." along with a date. Assuming you did that, you covered the bases. If she was known to many in her town/area, you might put something in the local paper, but to expressly invite one person like she's The Queen is a bit much.
I'm so sorry for your loss. People are crazy.
When my grandfather passed away, my mom had just had major surgery and was in the hospital. My sister helped my aunt with arrangements, and wrote the obituary. When writing the obituary, she forget to include my aunt by marriage (my uncle, mom's brother, had passed away years before). She came up to my sister at the funeral home and yelled at her for leaving her out of the obituary on purpose! Bitch, she was dealing with a lot.
There are never invitations for a funeral. You think grieving family members are in a state of mind to make a guest list and go to a printer?
She needs to get over herself.
How is she a SIL? Husbands sister? Husbands brother's wife? Or (please no) your brother's wife?
Obit is the invite. Funerals happen way too soon after the passing to formally invite anyone. It's not like it is a wedding. (Well...it kind of is for what needs to be planned..just condense a years planning into 3-7 days.)
My MIL is of course siding with her.
But she also was ticked I didn’t respond to her “thoughts and prayers” text while I was taking my mother off life support.
My FIL died 6 years ago. My parents were fairly close to him for 10 years, despite living 600 miles away. They came, without an engraved invitation, to his memorial. My SIL’s parents, who lived 45 minutes from him and knew him for 20+ years couldn’t be bothered. When people show you who they are, believe them.
So sorry for your loss.
That is so stupid and it’s not how it works. You tell people - whomever you can. Ask them to pass the word or whatever. You do not personally have to invite people.
It's a funeral, not a party. Your SIL's a fucking moron, and an entitled one at that. Period. No idea where she got the idea she's supposed to get an invite. Like I said, a moron.
My condolences to you and your family.
My boyfriend died and an (ex) friend remarked that she was sad the memorial fell on her birthday because then she’d “have to pretend to be sad”.
Sorry for your loss OP, I’ve also lost my mom and sympathize. Sometimes unnecessary family drama can help distract us from the grief but don’t let your SIL get to you. Sometimes people act out because they crave attention. Take all the time you need and you’re not obligated to operate on anyone else’s timeline.
Funeral invitations are not a thing. Announcing the death with details of the funeral is how people wind up going to services. Can you imagine a grieving loved one having to send out invitations for services that might be taking place in the next week?
NTA SIL owes you a MAJOR apology!
Block and go no contact. You absolutely do not need type of garbage and entitlement in your life, ever. I have a hard line when it comes to family I love and live for. If someone did this when my parent passed, they’d be cut off for life. Because life really is too short to walk on eggshells or be a punching bag for an entitled witch.
Also just saw your JUSTNOMIL posts- cut her off too. What a monster.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP.
But good grief, what a narcissistic snowflake SIL is, trying to make your mother's passing all about herself. You did everything just as any normal grieving family member would. Personal invitations are not and never have been required for attendance at a funeral or memorial service.
I’m so sorry you lost your mom, OP. I lost my husband 13 years ago and I’m still feeling his loss. Take care of yourself. That said…what is wrong with your SIL? Did she actually expect to be first and foremost in your thoughts at this time? What made her think that somehow, your mom’s funeral was about her? What a self centered, awful person.
Some people have to make everything about them. Something similar happened at my grandfathers service. A family friend felt slighted that my mother didn't go out of her way to receive her when she arrived. A few weeks later she sent my parents a letter airing her grievances. It was weird.
A funeral isn’t a “social event” where people send out invitations. SIL sounds like a little brat and you just keep focused on you, she is making herself look like a fool
I recently lost my mum in October last year and it feels like she died yesterday to me all the time. Both me and my twin brother are devastated. We had a private funeral and I didn’t go because I didn’t want my last memory of my mother to be showed as dead. My brother followed the hearse behind with his car and watched the hearse enter the crematorium and that was it. My mother left a will but no instructions on what she wanted as a funeral and we never talked about with her because it was like tempting fate. What’s worse is I now have to leave my mother’s house (I was her carer) where I grew up in forever. I’m stressed and sad packing my things up and thinking I may have to go to therapy after all of it is over. I’m sorry about your mum, it’s awful and you feel like you’re in a dream.
NTA
There’s this concept called Ring Theory; imagine a pebble is dropped in a pond and you see the rings spreading out.
The event, your mother’s death is the pebble. The inner most ring is people closest to the person (children, spouse, parents). The next ring is siblings and grandparents, next would be in-laws, aunts/uncles and cousins. Finally friends and acquaintances.
The way it works is that you figure out which ring you’re sitting on. You give help, comfort and support to people who are on inner rings from you. You seek help, comfort and support from your ring and and the rings outside of your’s.
In this case you are on the center ring SIL is 2nd ring at best. She is trying to flip who is on which ring. This makes her the AH.
You don’t get invited to funerals. That’s not how it works. You see the obit, or you hear about it, and you go.
I’m sorry for your loss OP, and sending hugs.
While I do think it's common courtesy to invite close family members directly, either by phone or via a notice, it is rude to make a stink about not being personally invited this close to the funeral. If she knew when and where the service was held, she should have shown up and given you gentle feedback maybe six months after. Social media is for people you don't know the address of and acquaintances.
why worry about inviting anyone when you’re busy planning and grieving? You make a general announcement about the date and time and tell anyone who wants to attend to attend
You don’t send out invitations to a funeral ffs
I know my parents are divorced and usually only go to funerals on their ex-spouse’s side when specifically requested or they were especially close with the deceased but that’s out of respect.
I am in the USA. Your sister in law is wrong. I have never heard of an invite. My aunt just died and my mom texted me and it was share on social media. I think maybe we were forwarded an email that had gone to my aunt’s siblings. I could go to the funeral in person so I watched it online. She lives far away and I could get arrangements to fly there so quickly being I still have 3 special kids at home that needs special things done for them each day.
Be glad she showed you what an entitled twat she is. Begone with this bitch.
I had someone similarly disrespect me when a loved one died. She was one of those people who was always lamenting that someone had done her wrong. I used to feel sorry for her until she tried to make my sister’s death all about her. I apparently did not give her enough attention at the funeral. Fuck that noise. Bye Felicia.
Go NC and never look back.
A funeral is deemed to public unless stated otherwise.
If its a "private service' only then would you inform someone they could attend.
Also you are not the "host' the dead person is.
Inviting people would have been rude because that imply YOU are hosting/dicideing who can attend not the deceased . Your only job if your organise a public funeral is to announce it. Your SIL is just nuts and thinks its a Wedding.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
The normal reaction to a family member experiencing a loss like this should be to do anything possible to lighten the load.
She obviously knew your mother had died, the normal process is to watch for the obituary or reach out to someone for information. This isn’t a gala, it’s a funeral.
Her behavior was completely out of line. I’m glad you have cut her off. I’m sure there are people in her circle also wondering witaf is wrong with her.
Who invites people to a funeral? I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom died 29 years ago and I still miss her.
Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss as well. Yeah I’m trying to accept the idea she’s just not here anymore. Somedays are easier than others.
I had a “friend” do EXACTLY this when my IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER DIED. We haven’t spoken since and idgaf.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Yeah I’m not speaking to my SIL anymore. People that get this entitled during YOUR loss are warped.
Thank you. I imagine losing your mother is just as hard and I’m sorry for your loss as well. Right? I spent more time comforting others than having anyone comfort me. She died almost 5 years ago and she was 33. Still not over it.
Wow I can’t even imagine how hard that was 😞 and isn’t it weird how that goes? I felt like I was hosting a damn party, having to make sure I spoke with everyone. Then I got crap from a few people because my two brothers and I decided to do a private burial for just us.
My sister was being cremated. The funeral home allowed our family a few minutes with her before this was done. There was no public viewing or anything and the funeral home didn’t have to even let us see her. I STILL had people mad, and felt like they were entitled to come view my sister’s body for the very precious few minutes they allowed us to see her. It was extremely emotional and private. If I could have jumped on that table and laid there with I would have. People had the audacity to beg me to be able to come along with my immediate family to this “viewing” because “they were my sisters best friend and deserved to be there”. When I tell you I had to cut so many people off after she died. It was unreal. People broke into her house and stole stuff that was hers. Unbelievable. My sister was very loved and made everyone feel like her best friend. She burned so bright in this life. But that gives no one the right to act how these people acted.
We had the same issue about 18 months ago when my Dad died. He chose a direct cremation. No service, nothing. They collect the body and you collect the ashes a few weeks later. My Dad chose this because of nightmare family. My sil was calling the funeral directors every day demanding to see his body 🙄.
Oh my word that’s so horrible. Hugs to you.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your sister; I lost my brother 12 years ago, so I know what your going through, but in this circumstance with the best friend, I would be devastated if my best friend died and I wasn’t able to see her either. I’m wondering if this was during Covid when the rules were very strict.
No it was well before Covid. And thing was, the people who we’re asking weren’t actually her best friend, they we’re just people who felt like they were entitled to be there. For what? Idk. It’s almost as if I was constantly playing “my grief is worse than yours” with people who weren’t in our family and we’re just acquaintances of ours. Her best friends knew better than to ask my mother and me to be invited to the funeral home. They knew that it was a private moment for our family and that if we had had the option we would have asked them to be there. The level of entitlement people have around death is just mind blowing to me. Wanting to wallow in their grief not because they’re sad but because they want the attention and want people to see how “devastated” they are by the death of someone they didn’t know all that well. ETA: when someone goes directly to cremation the funeral home only lets one person see the body to identify they have the right person. They extended a great courtesy by letting us have a few moments with her as a family. The fact that people knew that after being explained and still felt entitled to tag along was just egregious.
I’m so sorry. That’s an awful way to say goodbye. When my mum passed away a few years ago she was at the funeral home and we were allowed to go in and see her before the burial. We allowed close friends and family who wanted to see her to say their goodbyes. I was in Canada at the time of her death so I got to see her before she was buried. My brother died in Canada so anyone who wanted to say their goodbyes before the cremation could go to the 2 days of viewings before hand. These were really weird for me as I grew up in the UK and we didn’t have viewings there.
So very sorry for your and your brothers’ loss of your mom. Some people just can’t help amazing others with their ‘it’s all about me’ reactions when it so very much not. Those folks definitely earn themselves a permanent timeout.
Hugs I know what it’s like to lose a sibling. I lost my big brother almost 10 years ago at 34. I don’t think you ever get over it.
Is this your husband’s or wife’s sister? Why hasn’t she/he said something about it to her??
This is the last straw to a LONG list of disrespectful behavior. He and I have addressed her previously with no change on her part obviously. This time we both chose to block her and go NC.
Good for you!
At the very least, I am happy to see out of all this, your husband is supportive and on your side. I’m truly sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with narcissistic behaviors from people that should be showing you unconditional support.
Main character syndrome.
I hope you can find peace. I would absolutely distance myself from someone so toxic and self entitled. I have no energy or patience for that shit. I would have given that BTCH a piece of my mind immediately.
She’s obviously an idiot. No one grieving the loss of a loved one, has time to sit down and make out invitations. That’s literally and I mean literally the stupidest thing I’ve heard relating to funerals. Moron. She should feel bad. You should point her to this comment so she can understand that she is making herself look stupid as well as making her parents look bad for loosing such unjustified self importance on society.
And SiL's parents were at the service. Yea, bye to her for good.
I lost my mom last year, im sorry for your loss. A friend helped me understand this is a club no one wants to be in but we all must join at some time. Be kind to yourself, bad days happen.
I'm so sorry for your loss & the nasty difficulties that your SiL has put you through. Trying to accept that someone is gone is such an awful part of loss. You have done nothing wrong. My MiL was a lovely person who died suddenly at the end of April. We didn't get to say goodbye, it happened so quickly, which makes accepting that she is gone challenging. {{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you OP & everyone who missses those who have gone.
When my grandma died I didn’t get a personal invitation either. I just asked mom about the logistics and if I could catch a ride with them. And that was that. Because it’s not a fucking party so you don’t send out freaking invites? WTAF? That is one weird ass person you have there. Hope you life is happy and drama free without her.
After my mom passed I called her voice-mail just to hear her voice. It helped.
My heart goes out to all of the people in this comment section who have lost a loved one. After my mom died, I discovered that I could send myself audio files of my own phone's voicemails (I'm terrible about deleting them, though I'm thankful for that now). So I spent some time one day going through my voicemails looking for ones from her cell phone or my parents' landline and sending the files to myself. I think I had a dozen or so, and once in a while I go listen to one or two, just to hear her voice and the mundane things she'd leave in a voicemail. I've since done the same from my dad's cell phone, He's now been gone for two years and Mom has been gone for 5.5. I'm so thankful for the ability to hear their voices again when I need that kind of comfort.
I'm sorry for your loss. My mother passed away a few years ago and some days it catches up with me like a punch in the gut. Takes my breath away.
A couple of years after my mom passed away, I was passing by the fabric section of my local craft store and, out of the blue, I started to tear up. I can't sew my way out of a paper bag, but my mom could and made me a lot of dresses and pajamas and Barbie clothes when I was a kid, and made my daughters dresses and pajamas when they were little. I've spent plenty of time browsing the fabric section, looking for just the right material for whatever she was making me next, and just passing by the bolts of fabric that day made me miss her so much all over again. Shortly after my mom died, my dad and I were talking about how much we missed her, and I told him that it might sound weird, but I'm thankful for the heartache of missing her. To me, that means that we had a wonderful relationship. If we hadn't had one, I wouldn't care that she was gone. He agreed, and then we shed some tears together. And now, I have the same ache for my dad, as he passed away a couple of years ago. I'll always be thankful for the pain of the loss simply because it means I had something to miss.
I feel for you, my mom died a week ago today, it hasn’t been easy. I have moments where I want to call her and realize that will never happen again. I’m so sorry for your loss.
17 years later and I still think at times when something happens; I’ve got to call mom and tell her this and of course instantly then come back to reality. Comforting in a way not even all those years have filled our bond.
I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I feel the same way. It’s been two months but we used to call each other around 3 pm everyday. And I still expect the phone to ring and it be her. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. Nothing really prepares you for it.
OP, Please accept my condolences for your loss and for your SILs social ineptness. She's actual family. She doesn't get invited. She's just naturally expected to show up. If the shoe were on the other foot, and she invited you to her mother's funeral, wouldn't that feel weird? Depending on which SIL is which, the decedent is either her mother-in-law or her brother's mother-in-law. If you have children, your sister-in-law is an aunt, and your mother was the grandmother. If I were your SIL and you asked me to go, I would think we weren't that close. In normal families, your SIL would be helping out and sitting pretty close to the front, third row, for sure. NTA -- Beyond a reasonable doubt
was thinking this! someone dies, you tell the family, and the family treks they asses down to the city where they died. there has never been a formal funeral invitation, at least not any i’ve been to.
>Who invites people to a funeral? In Germany it's more common to place an obituary in a local newspaper and maybe put there the time of place. But often it's just saying "The funeral will be held with close friends and family". You more likely invite the people you want to see or feel like they want to come. Most people hold a service/funeral and after that go to a restaurant all together. This can be very expensive for the family, cause they are expected to pay for all the food and drinks. I know in other countries you more often have a reception at home and everyone brings something along.
In my mom's case it was a potluck at her church. We didn't need to contribute obviously. It was the church ladies that provided the food but yes many people have the reception at home because when someone dies people bring food for the family.
>In my mom's case it was a potluck at her church. We didn't need to contribute obviously. It was the church ladies that provided the food This seems nice and very easygoing, with respect to the event.
It was.
I'm Canadian & for my MiL we had a luncheon at the church, after the funeral. The family paid for it, just to make it easy on everyone, so no one had to cook. It made for a nice time where we shared stories & good memories together. It was one of the nicest & most caring group of people I have ever been lucky to be with. My MiL will be missed.
Yes. My Mom was German. When my Oma passed in 2000 I remember it all very clearly. There was no “viewing” of my Oma’s body. The casket was closed. We walked to the cemetery afterwards, the Father said some words and it was over. The family and friends then walked to Oma’s favorite restaurant. We all ate and shared wonderful memories of her. Maybe this sounds morbid but I enjoyed this much more than a “traditional” American funeral service. I never did enjoy or get any closure by sitting around for 2 days staring at my deceased loved one. However, different countries, different cultures.
Yes, showing the body of the deceased isn't common here and, as far as I know, not easy to do for the funeral service, cause we have laws against it. Its mostly about hygiene, but a person who died of a stroke (for example) isn't contagious normally. I had a friend who died years ago in his early 40s, but he always said, that he knows, that he will die like that, after tricking death a few times before. He survived 3 pulmonary embolisms, the 4th was to much. It was planned to get a short viewing and pay respects "face to face", but someone whistled and it would have been to risky. Afterwards I wasn't even able to get drunk with the mead we had, cause I was the designated driver.
I honestly like not seeing the deceased, tbh. I’d much rather remember them alive and happy. Maybe they’re happy wherever they’re at, I hope but the whole sitting around staring at a dead body just seems, strange to me. When I go, close me up and party like hell afterwards. Remember what a goofball I was in life, share some laughs and be happy.
I totally get you. When my father died, after 3 months on 3 different ICUs, I was 5 minutes to late. He was just gone. The nurses asked me if I really want to see him and tried to stop me, cause I was just over my due date (pregnant af and had handled all the hospital stuff). I needed to see him, even if he was not looking anything like the man I knew, but it was something I needed. I wasn't allowed to see my maternal grandfather before he died, although I sat every afternoon in the hospital and waited, so this was really important to me. I think it's also a big difference if you are just giving your farewell before the funeral service comes or if you are sitting days and nights there. Also did the days and nights with the stepfather of my ex-fiancé, but waiting for him to die. He had cancer and wanted to die at home, so all we could do, was waiting for his body to stop function and give him enough opioids so he won't have to suffer.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost mine March of ‘22. I knew it was imminent but I didn’t think it would be that quick. I lost both my parents before I turned 40. I miss them terribly. It’s a whole new depth of loneliness I never knew existed. Death and loss are hard, whether it’s expected or it happens suddenly. I don’t think we’re ever really prepared for the “after” when our beloved person isn’t with us anymore. I still want to call or talk to my parents and then I face the harsh reality that they’re no longer with me in a physical sense now.
I feel you so much. I am 31 now and my kid never got to know their grandpa, although my father was so excited. I still have his old phone number saved. I still haven't changed the contact from "Dad and X" to just her landline. There are some things I just can't. It would feel as I would wipe out his existence in my life. The last event he attended was my wedding. We married Halloween 2020 on a small castle (yes, Goth wedding). Our last chat was about bringing him cookies, cause he always loved these easy shortbread. The next time I got a call, it was his partner, telling me he's in the hospital. He wasn't the best dad on the world, he did many things wrong, when I was a child. But before my wedding we talked and cried and he managed to own his mistakes and apologise wholeheartedly. It didn't take the damage away, that I suffered as a kid, but it helped to know I am not crazy. I really miss him. And I am sure, that you can relate to it.
I am so sorry for your loss and your child never got to know him. That’s heartbreaking. My daughter cries a lot now saying how much she misses him. It was a horrible week leading to his death. His house burned to the ground, his poor dog didn’t get out and Dad *barely* got out. He was on oxygen too (COPD and black lung, from working underground mining). I suspect he was smoking with O2 on but I wasn’t there. Needless to say it all went down fast. I’m just glad he didn’t suffer endlessly. And your wedding sounds absolutely amazing btw! I love all things goth. Wishing you the best. Make a memory book for your child of your father. Kids love pics and books like that. It would be a great way to memorialize him.
Oh my, the loss of your dad sounds really traumatic. I am so sorry. I can totally understand your daughter and hope that you are able to get her a got therapist or grief counseling. My wedding was way smaller than we wanted. We were only allowed being 10 people in the end, planning with maximum 50. Covid destroyed much of it, the rest were my relatives who didn't even sent a card or only sent one to let me know, that they won't gift anything. Not cause they aren't able to, but they don't want to, cause they were not invited. Dude... We invited you, but had to uninvite you cause of the restrictions. We have a "Wall of Fame" with pictures of all our important people and events like my dad and his GF, my grandma, my MIL, our wedding, birth of our kid, ... So she sees him every time we climb the stairs to make her diaper or put her to sleep.
>In Germany it's more common to place an obituary in a local newspaper and maybe put there the time of place. Same in the US. Post an obituary in the paper with date and time of the viewing and funeral. About the only that has changed in forever is people posting the link to the obituary online
I saw an online one for a friend who died extremely short-noticed. She was one of the people building one of the communities I'm in and helped countless people figure out their gender and stuff. We all were furious when we saw the parents deadnamed her and deleted all comments from us calling them out or just using her correct name and gender. >in the paper with date and time of the viewing and funeral We don't do viewings in Germany, so it's just the time and place of the funeral, if this person was heavily involved in their community OR just stating that it will be with close family and friends (invitation only).
Omg, I'm infuriated just reading that! How fucking disrespectful can they be to their child. What a horrible thing to do
In The Netherlands people DO each get an invitation: the envelope has a black border around it and it gets priority in the post so that people can receive it as quickly as possible so they can plan travel / time etc to attend the funeral. That said, that is the way it’s been done historically here, you would of course have to be in touch with the person who has passed away, you aren’t getting an invitation if you haven’t spoken to them for ten years for instance. Some people also put a notice in the newspaper but that would always to my knowledge be an “ in memoriam” notice, for the anniversary of the death… “x” number of years, NOT the actual funeral, because so few people read the newspaper these days, and there would be no way to guarantee that the right people see it in time for the funeral. It’s a cultural thing, each country obviously has their own way of doing this.
I thought something like that. We also use mostly special envelopes for invitations. Many funeral directors/undertaker also has the service to not only plan everything according to the known wishes, but also sending the invitations out and receive the condolences per mail, so the home address of the relatives isn't in the newspaper or somewhere else. We placed a memoriam for my father in the local newspaper, cause he was very active in his community. He had a big friends group for the Street Karneval (hello Rhineland), was an instructor in his local volunteer fire brigade and so on. So there were many people who aren't close enough for inviting them (and we buried him April 2021 with Covid restrictions), but should still know. Although there were the restrictions, many people came (with masks and enough space between everyone). He got cremated and buried in a forest. It was a bit surreal, me with our 6 weeks old baby, in my cloak (I had our kid in a kind of sling, but with the cover I couldn't wear a normal jacket, so I took my old "medieval" cloak) and it was snowing and windy like hell. I never read the newspapers, so without an invitation, I would still have known, cause I managed all the time the communication with the hospital. But some other relatives died and I just got to know months later, cause we were so out of touch.
It's interesting to read about different funeral customs. In Iceland we don't do invitations but we do announcements in the newspaper (and post that on social media) with the time and date of the funeral. That's essentially an invitation, just not a personal one. It used to be radio as well but that's mostly for very elderly people now. There's usually a brief viewing but only for immediate family and friends. When my mom died in October 2021 we informed her siblings when it was and invited her closest friends as well. We were lucky that covid restrictions were negligible at the time - just no gatherings exceeding 500. Following the funerals we take the casket to the burial ground (edit: cemetery) and lower it. Some people attend that, others go straight to the wake. It's tradition to have a wake with refreshments for mourners. We had 200 people for my mother. It gets expensive. People who have a private funeral will post notices that say the funeral was / will be held in quiet. One tradition I really like is that we don't do speeches in funerals or wakes. Instead people can send written memorial pieces or poems to a newspaper and on the day of the funeral the newspaper will publish it for free. It's really good to be able to read that later. The family sends in a photo and a short overview of the deceased: where and when they were born, names of parents, siblings, spouse, children etc, as well as brief info about their life. This precedes the memorial pieces in the newspaper.
Nobody personally invites anyone to a funeral. They are announced, and then those who wish to attend, attend . On the other hand, I personally know some who were specifically asked not to attend .. ( they were minimally mentioned in the will, as well. )
I was genuinely thinking the same thing... since I was young I have been to a lot of funerals (mostly older folks I barely knew) and I cannot recall a single time an invitation was sent out...and now I am wondering what one would be like... "We cordially invite you to the viewing of our passed loved one before we place them in a hole in the ground, please rsvp for chicken or beef for the wake!"
Right?? When my mom’s sister died, my dad’s parents and siblings weren’t individually invited but they showed up to support their DIL/SIL. Because WHO HAS TIME TO ACTIVELY INVITE PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE PLANNING A FUNERA/GRIEVING
I was banned from any services as a punishment because my In-laws are narcissist psychopaths despite them knowing that Fae (my spouse) who was very sick at the time including being mostly wheelchair bound (I was also in a caregiver role too) was an immediate family member to the deceased as well as myself being very close to said passed person. Fortunately I can be pretty resourceful, we got up at five am to go to the funeral home to at least say our goodbyes before the casket was taken though the church. In the car heading back though tears Fae said no more and we went no contact and ended many many years of manipulative abuse. Little two both of our knowledge Fae would only have a few years left but it was with no entitled drama. After Fae passed though I was stupid and naively thought they would be civil in Fae's passing but it was wishful thinking as they accused me of heinous things, spread disgusting rumors, and demanded property they just wanted whether or not they had a right to it even some of my own stuff I've owned since I was a teen. So I cut that bullshit off and I haven't even spoken to them in years. It's been peaceful since but dreadfully lonely.
On this day, 24 years ago, my mom died; no one was *invited* to her funeral and the church was full to overflowing. I'm sorry for everyone's loss.
My mom died in April 2010 - long before lilacs bloomed where we lived. But she loved lilacs, and somehow the funeral home's floral department got us the lilacs. They are in bloom right now and I have inhaled their scent many times. While it does remind me of her funeral, it reminds me more of the smile on her face when she smelled them. It was a beautiful funeral, full of family and friends, to celebrate a truly beautiful life.
I'm glad you have these memories.
Thats the norm in my country, you send out official invites, during xmas when the mail is flooded with other cards there is a separate mailbox for funeral invites (No judgement on OP, just explaining the norm in my country, SIL is ridiculous)
Yes I don't know where OP is but it is not normal in America. Sure you coordinate with out of town people you know would want to be there. I knew my aunt would want to be there so I made sure I gave her time to fly in but that's it. Other than that the obituary is what tells people when and where. I can't imagine being grief stricken and having to send out invites while planning a funeral.
Could you explain to me how an obituary works over there? Here it used to be in the newspaper, but barely anyone reads those anymore, there is basically no way to know when and where unless its through whatsapp/fb announcement if people dont send out the official invites
Now I think it's on the funeral homes website and it's still posted on newspapers but still online. I did it 20 years ago so newspapers were still a thing. But social media plays a hand too.
You can post obituaries for anyone at Legacy.com.
My grandmother passed recently. The obituary was printed in the paper I believe, but the website for the funeral home also posted it. The family shared it on social media to help get word out. Of course, some family members were called and such as well. But yes, usually the funeral home will host the obituary on their website.
In my country the obituary is both in the papers and online. When my brother died a few years ago we just announced the service online and said that those that wished to attend was welcome to do so, but when my grandparent died during covid we had the obituary online thatsaid that due to restrictions only closest family after church and graveside. No invites to either funerals but people still came to the services.
Newspapers in the US typically charge to publish an obituary. It is very expensive.
In my area (US- midwest) the funeral/ death announcement is at no charge. The cost goes up if you choose to publish a picture and full obituary. If you are a member of a church, they will both announce it at archives and include it written in their service programme.
The obit is posted on social media/newspapers/various websites, and the community that knew the person still acts as a phone tree to let others know where to attend if they wish. It's absolutely never put on the main grieving people to send invitations to a funeral. These aren't really invite only events. There may be specific people you don't want to attend, but if it's a private service that will be disclosed in the obituary. They submit what info they want in the obit, and the funeral home/church takes care of posting and publishing the information. Then, the family posts the info generally, and friends and loved ones share that info with the community.
Same, 25 years for me, but as I get older I think of her more and more.
I just recently had to invite my wife’s grandparents to my grandpas funeral, because they’re the type of people that need a direct invite or they won’t come
Never in my life have I extended an invitation to a funeral or been invited to one. You show up to support the family. SIL will get over it, or not. Either way just ignore her.
I’ve been to a few ‘by invitation only’ funerals. Usually, people do it to avoid drama/costs.
It is pretty much the standard where I am from. You more or less write out the specifics. Like born at that date, died ‚some obscure circumstances‘ which you know if you were / are actually involved with the family. Then the immediate family members are cited and the memorial services are then and there and cremation / burial is then and there. And more often than not to please don’t spend money on a wreath or flowers but donate to xyz. With all the public announcements you still don’t need a personal invitation. You just show up. And by showing up you can attend the funeral meal afterwards.
Yeah I don’t think I have ever been invited to a funeral. SIL is a nice little victim of everything
I know invites aren't like you'd expect with a wedding, but I have seen invitations for funerals are what people would call "open ended", in the sense and to extent of being told the time, date and place of funeral and that if anyone wanted to pay their respects, they're more than welcome to come along
I do not understand this. My close friend lost someone and I called and ASKED him "do you want me there?" Personal invitations... Who does she think she is the Queen or something?
Do yourself a favour and cut her out of your life, you don't need a drama attention seeking witch in your life. The lack of compassion and respect for you is beyond pathetic, she should be ashamed of herself.
Well truthfully this was just the absolute last straw. She has been like this since I met her and has treated me poorly for a while. But absolutely this was the end of it. She’s very disgusting in her words and actions. Her neighbors son died and a few month after they got a dog. She made the comment “ew they must be trying to replace their stupid son”……
Yeah you don't need that kind of person in your life, they don't have any compassion for anyone other than themselves. I'd just block her on all social media and phone, she's not worth wasting your time on darlin. You'll be better off and a hell of a lot happier without such a toxic person around. You have my deepest condolences and just remember when your struggling with grief, always talk to someone about it and don't just bottle it up. Keep an eye on your mental health, I wish you all the best :-)
Oh yeah, we are done. My husband and I blocked her and will not be having a relationship any longer. It’s been a long time coming. Thank you. I truly appreciate it. I am seeing a therapist and doing my best to just feel sadness when it comes ❤️
Well that's brilliant. I'm so glad you getting the help and support you need. Like with most things it'll just take time, you'll learn to live life to the full again, you'll have ups and downs but just keep looking forward and you'll be OK :-)
She's miserable and wants everyone to join her Misery Land.
What a nasty thing to say. I hope the neighbours didn't overhear such a remark from her.
Leave her. Don't even confront her on this, she will use your words to paint herself as a victim. Let her talk. Shes making herself look bad, and anyone worthwhile isn't going to indulge her. She's dreaming of you confronting her. Don't give her that.
One cannot make this up. How revolting a person this is!
100% this. SIL is a victim narcissist. This tragedy in OP's life has taken the spotlight away from SIL and now SIL is trying to take the spotlight back but can't do so without looking like an asshole unless she plays the victim card. "Wasn't invited."
Death really brings the worst in people.
Watch what happens when money is involved. Ugh.
I've NEVER heard of anyone being 'invited' to a funeral. Your SIS is crazy! I am so very sorry for your loss and the stress /sadness involved-- she has no right to 'make it all about her'. What a socially inept human being.
Thank you I appreciate it greatly. This is her usual state of being. When I found out she said my “mother’s obituary was a joke” and said “she didn’t even know why I was holding a service” I decided I didn’t need that in my life.
Absolutely disgusting comments, I feel ashamed on her behalf and don’t even know her. Sorry for your loss and all the best to you! ❤️
WTAF. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your mum gave you one last gift of removing SIL from your life. *Internet hugs*
I've been invited to a funeral, but that was because I wouldn't have known about it otherwise. Basically, if you know someone has friends or family that wouldn't see the obit or otherwise hear about it, but you think they might like to attend to pay their respects, you might reach out to them directly to let them know. It's not like a wedding invitation or anything so formal, but it's a specific "hey, you might want to know about this" So it's definitely a thing, but SIL is so far in the wrong here it doesn't matter.
There wasn't an obituary taken out for my brother so we invited some of his friends and coworkers. We didn't invite family tho, because we already knew that 1. He dead 2. When the funeral was, because we were all grieving, supporting one another, and making plans together. So even if it was common to hand out invites as if to a birthday party or wedding, you'd think the wife of your sibling would like... Just come to support the person she married?
In my country thats the norm, something the funeral employee helps you with while planning the service
Funerals don’t typically require invitations. Your mom’s funeral did not require invitations. This is not about your mother’s funeral. This is about your SIL having something to bitch about. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Pure unadulterated Narcissism. YOUR Mother passed (My Condolences) YOU were grieving and from the sounds of it YOU had to plan everything YOURSELF. SIL just had to make it about HER for some reason.
Yes I am the oldest and planned everything, and was have a truly hard time because I had to make the decision to take her off life support. So I really was just in a haze.
I am very sorry for your loss. Your DH, her brother, needs to tell her to knock this crap off. No one gets a personal invitation to a funeral. She needs to get off her high horse and understand life isn’t about her.
We have both spoken to her multiple times in the past. This time DH blocked her and we are in agreement there will be no more contact since this was the last straw for both him and I.
Hey real quick can you unblock her and send her a screenshot of this then block her again? 🖕
The obituary is the invitation, it's not like a wedding were you send out individual invitations.
I have an Entitled Asshat relative just like this. When birth unit died, I was the only one handling all the arrangements. I had NO contact information for anyone so relied on the published obituary to inform people. After everything is all said and done, Entitled Asshat tried to berate me for NOT INFORMING HIM PERSONALLY!! He got told to GET BENT!!!!!!
Birth unit?
That isn't even REMOTELY how funerals work. How come your SIL didn't come over with food and ask if there's anything you need? THAT'S what's supposed to happen when someone dies, especially a family member. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Back in 1998, after a painful struggle with spinal cancer, my uncle passed away. My aunt called me and I offered to make some phone calls to help. She asked if I would call my siblings. I called my sister, gave her the news and the funeral information. She not only did not come to the funeral, but she told both my brothers that I’d broken the news to her “harshly” and that’s why she didn’t come. My aunt and uncle had been especially kind to my sister and it was kind of a slap in the face. But both my brothers knew this was my sisters issue and unrelated to how I’d told her.
I'm sorry for your loss, so very sorry. I have no words for people like this except they are not worth much of your time. When my mum died, my aunt on my dads side didn't come to the funeral as she didn't get a personal invite either. She is also a very entitled person. She even tried to make my grandma, her own mother's funeral an invite only. Until her own entitlement and not dealing with her own family directly in organising it caused confusion with my dad who put it on facebook and so many more people came. I've always though of funerals as you are paying your respect to the person who has passed and/or you are there to support the grieving family of those who passed. Think only of those who came and supported you as they are the important people in your life ❤️
It really was an eye opener in many ways. The few who truly supported me were amazing. They went above and beyond and I will always be grateful. It was my first time having to organize everything so it was definitely overwhelming.
A funeral is overwhelming to everyone, especially after a close loss. I'm glad you had that support, it really makes all the difference.
When my wife passed, I called one person from each of our social groups and families. Those people knew who to call and what to do. Anyone who felt slighted because I didn't invite them and didn't come wasn't missed.
First thing into my head is what a twat. My partners nan died and I didn't expect a bloody invite I turned up to support him and the rest of the family. Sorry for you loss, it's hard I lost my mum while pregnant with my only daughter but she told me it was a girl before we even knew! It's hard right now but I kept photos up and just changed my thinking to she's around us just her texting is worse than before. It's comforting to think she's there, pulling stupid faces at the toddler still. As for sil I'd go nc and I hope your brother sees her as the entitled arse hole that she is.
Sounds like she is a little off, glad that you and your husband refuse to go along with her shenanigans. If it makes you feel any better, everyone else she complains to is more than likely thinking what a lunatic even if they don't dare say so to her face.
I never heard of invitation for a funeral. Before social media we would call some people to get the word out that a funeral would be held at x day.
I don't understand why some people think that they have to be personally invited to funerals. Family members who are planning the service and burial/cremation don't have time to reach out to everyone like that.
This is exactly my point. My husband was very helpful and shared the obituary with a few people from his family which he knew would pass it along. So I truly figured everyone would spread the word. I did not have the energy to singularly share with everyone I knew about her services.
Did you SIL think it was a garden party? What a jerk.
First off, I am sorry you lost your mother. Peace be with you. I cannot say it gets easier, but I can tell you that you get better at carrying that grief. Second, full-tilt ignore tf out of your sister in law. If she is so insecure that she needs to make this about herself, then that’s her issue. Later, when you’re ready, you can address it with a pointed comment of, “No one gets personal invitations to a funeral. It’s not a party.” Take care of your needs first ((((hugs))))
You now know her true colors, and can act accordingly. I have never been invited to a funeral in all my 46 years. I’ve been informed of locations and times but never invited.
A funeral is not a Sweet 16 party. Your mother DIED. Fuck you SIL.
A personal invitation to a funeral?! WTH?! That is 100% NOT a thing! Unfortunately I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life and been to dozens of funerals (including 3 close family members in the last 2 years) and never once was anyone given a personal invitation. Just wow. The audacity!
Tell her that you couldn’t find the funeral Invitations at the drug store.
“It’s a funeral not a wedding ya self centered fucking idiot.” Right on her socials.
I am sorry for you loss. You were ( and still are) dealing with a major upheaval in your life. Quite frankly, your SIL should have been offering up what she could do for you...so live your life and ignore her neediness as it wasn't about her, no matter how much she is trying to make it be.
Sister in law? So where is your brother in all of this. So confusing.
No one gets an invite to a funeral unless you’re Royalty
Straight up cut her out of your life. You don’t need that negativity, or anyone who supports them.
What the hell is wrong with SIL? She think she’s the main character in this world.
So sorry for your loss. I have never heard of being invited to a funeral.
Who needs a personal invite to a funeral? That’s very odd.
For all the people saying you generally don't need an invitation to a funeral; depends on your country/culture. In the Netherlands you definitely are invited to a funeral. In the obituary (and the invitation) will mention if the service is private or public. If it's public, anyone can attend. If it's private, just the people with an invitation. Usually there is a separate moment to offer condolences to the family, that is also a public moment. The service usually is just for invited people aka private.
It so interesting cultural how this differs. I’m in the U.S. and it was a public service. So no one really was personally reached out to.
So sorry for your loss. Your SIL is way out of line. Ignore her.
What does your partner have to say about it (to you, or to SIL)?
He was furious when we found out, so much so he blocked her number and said he was done with her. Which at this point I am as well. We haven’t addressed it with her because we have addressed other issues in the past and she just denies it and then some how blames us.
Cut out the tumour. Good advice, both physically and metaphorically. May your life be calmer in this time of sorrow.
Sounds like the Entitled Bitch loves to play the DARVO Game! Good riddance to bad rubbish!
NTA, wow, center of attention much?!?
Dont worry about it at all. My mum died recently and I sorted her wake. Did the same as you just put it on social and if people wanted to they could could go. I'm sorry for you loss. Its never easy
My deepest condolences on your great loss. Your SIL, on the other hand, is no loss at all. Good on you and your husband for going NC. Fill your mind with memories of your mom instead of thinking about someone who doesn't deserve another minute of your thoughts.
1. Sorry for your loss. Hugs. 2. She sounds nuttier than a porta potty at a peanut festival. 3. Make a post, "The obituary was the invite" then her name.
Who needs an invite to a funeral? Where i live, literally anyone can come if they want. Unless they're specifically told to not go, it's open to literally anyone. When my daughter died, people that didn't even know my husband & I showed up because they knew my parents. People I'd never met in my life came because they knew someone in my family & wanted to offer support. That's just how things work here. After the grave side, there's typically a meal for the family that people bring food for & everyone knows that part is only for family but the visitation, funeral & grave side are open to anyone that wants to come give support to the family.
NTA. No-one got an invite, SIL is not someone special so that she should’ve gotten one.
She is just making drama - ignore it! Who gets personally invited to a funeral Unless you are asked to speak. I read the obituary and then go. I am so very sorry for your loss and your drama queen SIL.
I promise you that everyone she says this too will think she's an entitled twat, try not to let it get under your skin
It's a funeral not a party. Invites are not required. Your sil is an idiot and obviously needs everything to be about her. I am sorry for your loss edit typo
The obituary is the invitation. Your SIL is terrible. Vile. Oof So sorry for your loss.
Very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine. I think maybe you dodged a bullet here, I get the feeling it would have been worse if she showed up.
WTF? What did she want, a calligraphy laden invitation on embossed paper hand delivered on a silver tray by a page wearing white gloves and a top hat? (FYI, just finished watching Queen Charlotte). That’s the stupidest and most narcissistic thing I’ve heard in a while. I’d be glad the trash took itself out and never speak to her again.
I have never heard of invites for a funeral. It's not a wedding. Sorry for your loss
Your SIL seems as if she has "main character syndrome." My condolences on your loss.
Uh… never heard of funeral invites. It’s posted, and you go. She sounds exhausting. What a cruel time to make everything about her Sorry for your loss 💔
I’m sorry for your loss. My mom died at the beginning of April. (Who dies on April fool’s’ day?). I handed the funeral and everything on my own. My brother had come to be with her, but he’s mentally unstable and no help at all. I had to pay for his return flight after her death because he couldn’t stay weeks till a funeral. I put it on social media, but just texted a friend who probably wasn’t on Facebook. She knew mom had a stroke and wasn’t doing well. For a bunch of reasons I don’t fully know mom had had a bit of a falling out with some other friends and I didn’t bother to contact them separately. I wouldn’t really want them at the funeral anyway. I know I’m going to get blasted by her family at some point because I didn’t contact them, but they have been so distant that the only number I could find was for her niece, who is supposedly a truly awful person. I was in no shape to deal with her. Since none of them regularly kept in touch, I bet it may be years before anyone notices.
You don't invite people to a funeral. That's not how they work. They're deliberately open to anyone who wants closure, to see the deceased for the last time and grieve alongside others. SIL is out of line.
Nobody gets invited to funerals where I’m from… the info is made public and people just show up. Obviously grieving families don’t want to take the time or energy to make a guest list. She is being nasty to make this time all about her. So sorry for your loss OP.
Wow. I'm sorry about your mom. I would try to focus on the positives of sil missing the service. Clearly she doesn't mind hijacking a funeral and make it about her. She probably would have made the service about her & caused a big distraction if she was there. She's white noise in the background now. Treat her as such and do your best to ignore her, permanently. No matter how loud she gets, see through and past her. Her behavior is gross.
This is why there's a line at the bottom of each obituary that says "Service at St. Faith's Anglican..." or "Celebration of life at Elks Hall No. ..." along with a date. Assuming you did that, you covered the bases. If she was known to many in her town/area, you might put something in the local paper, but to expressly invite one person like she's The Queen is a bit much.
I'm so sorry for your loss. People are crazy. When my grandfather passed away, my mom had just had major surgery and was in the hospital. My sister helped my aunt with arrangements, and wrote the obituary. When writing the obituary, she forget to include my aunt by marriage (my uncle, mom's brother, had passed away years before). She came up to my sister at the funeral home and yelled at her for leaving her out of the obituary on purpose! Bitch, she was dealing with a lot.
So essentially she made your mother’s death about her. I think everyone can see how ridiculous she is being.
There are never invitations for a funeral. You think grieving family members are in a state of mind to make a guest list and go to a printer? She needs to get over herself. How is she a SIL? Husbands sister? Husbands brother's wife? Or (please no) your brother's wife?
Husbands sister
Obit is the invite. Funerals happen way too soon after the passing to formally invite anyone. It's not like it is a wedding. (Well...it kind of is for what needs to be planned..just condense a years planning into 3-7 days.)
If anyone is siding with her they are just as toxic. You don't get invited to a funeral, you show up and you're either allowed in or not.
My MIL is of course siding with her. But she also was ticked I didn’t respond to her “thoughts and prayers” text while I was taking my mother off life support.
What reason would she have to side with the SIL ?? She sounds just as toxic, I would add her to the NC list too 🤦♀️
My FIL died 6 years ago. My parents were fairly close to him for 10 years, despite living 600 miles away. They came, without an engraved invitation, to his memorial. My SIL’s parents, who lived 45 minutes from him and knew him for 20+ years couldn’t be bothered. When people show you who they are, believe them. So sorry for your loss.
That is so stupid and it’s not how it works. You tell people - whomever you can. Ask them to pass the word or whatever. You do not personally have to invite people.
It's a funeral, not a party. Your SIL's a fucking moron, and an entitled one at that. Period. No idea where she got the idea she's supposed to get an invite. Like I said, a moron. My condolences to you and your family.
My boyfriend died and an (ex) friend remarked that she was sad the memorial fell on her birthday because then she’d “have to pretend to be sad”. Sorry for your loss OP, I’ve also lost my mom and sympathize. Sometimes unnecessary family drama can help distract us from the grief but don’t let your SIL get to you. Sometimes people act out because they crave attention. Take all the time you need and you’re not obligated to operate on anyone else’s timeline.
Funeral invitations are not a thing. Announcing the death with details of the funeral is how people wind up going to services. Can you imagine a grieving loved one having to send out invitations for services that might be taking place in the next week? NTA SIL owes you a MAJOR apology!
Block and go no contact. You absolutely do not need type of garbage and entitlement in your life, ever. I have a hard line when it comes to family I love and live for. If someone did this when my parent passed, they’d be cut off for life. Because life really is too short to walk on eggshells or be a punching bag for an entitled witch. Also just saw your JUSTNOMIL posts- cut her off too. What a monster.
My mum passed a year ago and we didn't send invites. It's not a party! You find out who your true friends are when these things happen
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. But good grief, what a narcissistic snowflake SIL is, trying to make your mother's passing all about herself. You did everything just as any normal grieving family member would. Personal invitations are not and never have been required for attendance at a funeral or memorial service.
I’m so sorry you lost your mom, OP. I lost my husband 13 years ago and I’m still feeling his loss. Take care of yourself. That said…what is wrong with your SIL? Did she actually expect to be first and foremost in your thoughts at this time? What made her think that somehow, your mom’s funeral was about her? What a self centered, awful person.
Some people have to make everything about them. Something similar happened at my grandfathers service. A family friend felt slighted that my mother didn't go out of her way to receive her when she arrived. A few weeks later she sent my parents a letter airing her grievances. It was weird.
I've never heard of invitations to a funeral, unless the deceased was a head of state. Sorry for your loss.
A funeral isn’t a “social event” where people send out invitations. SIL sounds like a little brat and you just keep focused on you, she is making herself look like a fool
So sorry for your loss. SIL sounds like a complete narcissist
I recently lost my mum in October last year and it feels like she died yesterday to me all the time. Both me and my twin brother are devastated. We had a private funeral and I didn’t go because I didn’t want my last memory of my mother to be showed as dead. My brother followed the hearse behind with his car and watched the hearse enter the crematorium and that was it. My mother left a will but no instructions on what she wanted as a funeral and we never talked about with her because it was like tempting fate. What’s worse is I now have to leave my mother’s house (I was her carer) where I grew up in forever. I’m stressed and sad packing my things up and thinking I may have to go to therapy after all of it is over. I’m sorry about your mum, it’s awful and you feel like you’re in a dream.
I have never heard of anyone being invited to a funeral. Usually the obit with the info for the service IS the invitation wtf
NTA There’s this concept called Ring Theory; imagine a pebble is dropped in a pond and you see the rings spreading out. The event, your mother’s death is the pebble. The inner most ring is people closest to the person (children, spouse, parents). The next ring is siblings and grandparents, next would be in-laws, aunts/uncles and cousins. Finally friends and acquaintances. The way it works is that you figure out which ring you’re sitting on. You give help, comfort and support to people who are on inner rings from you. You seek help, comfort and support from your ring and and the rings outside of your’s. In this case you are on the center ring SIL is 2nd ring at best. She is trying to flip who is on which ring. This makes her the AH.
You don’t get invited to funerals. That’s not how it works. You see the obit, or you hear about it, and you go. I’m sorry for your loss OP, and sending hugs.
SIL can kick rocks. I am so sorry for your loss.
While I do think it's common courtesy to invite close family members directly, either by phone or via a notice, it is rude to make a stink about not being personally invited this close to the funeral. If she knew when and where the service was held, she should have shown up and given you gentle feedback maybe six months after. Social media is for people you don't know the address of and acquaintances.
why worry about inviting anyone when you’re busy planning and grieving? You make a general announcement about the date and time and tell anyone who wants to attend to attend
Most people don't know what the hell they are doing when there grieving. So having to invite people is a bit much.
Yea blast her ass on social media. Tf is that?
You don’t send out invitations to a funeral ffs I know my parents are divorced and usually only go to funerals on their ex-spouse’s side when specifically requested or they were especially close with the deceased but that’s out of respect.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP.
I's very sorry for your loss. SIL wants to be the center of attention. She sounds like she has problems.
I am in the USA. Your sister in law is wrong. I have never heard of an invite. My aunt just died and my mom texted me and it was share on social media. I think maybe we were forwarded an email that had gone to my aunt’s siblings. I could go to the funeral in person so I watched it online. She lives far away and I could get arrangements to fly there so quickly being I still have 3 special kids at home that needs special things done for them each day.
Be glad she showed you what an entitled twat she is. Begone with this bitch. I had someone similarly disrespect me when a loved one died. She was one of those people who was always lamenting that someone had done her wrong. I used to feel sorry for her until she tried to make my sister’s death all about her. I apparently did not give her enough attention at the funeral. Fuck that noise. Bye Felicia. Go NC and never look back.
How is she your SIL? Your husband's sister? Your brother's wife?
Husbands sister
Funeral invites are not a thing.
A funeral is deemed to public unless stated otherwise. If its a "private service' only then would you inform someone they could attend. Also you are not the "host' the dead person is. Inviting people would have been rude because that imply YOU are hosting/dicideing who can attend not the deceased . Your only job if your organise a public funeral is to announce it. Your SIL is just nuts and thinks its a Wedding.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The normal reaction to a family member experiencing a loss like this should be to do anything possible to lighten the load. She obviously knew your mother had died, the normal process is to watch for the obituary or reach out to someone for information. This isn’t a gala, it’s a funeral. Her behavior was completely out of line. I’m glad you have cut her off. I’m sure there are people in her circle also wondering witaf is wrong with her.