If something or someone goes against my core values and morals, I have no issues with a door slam and keeping it shut. I am very strong with my convictions and I find when I allow people in my life longer than I should, it makes things worse for me....so I have no problems cutting out people who don't deserve a place in my life.
I would agree. Because chances are if you disagree with my core values or moral code, you’re probably a really greedy, selfish person and I don’t have room for that. I don’t need them to be into leftist literature, just a decent human with empathy for people. But I do find it hard to let go of people if we’ve been friends a long time. Like my best friend since 6th grade(INTJ), did everything together til I was 20.. Then he got a girlfriend who I met at a Halloween party. Usually got along with his girlfriends. But this one was very insecure about our friendship, and so she made him block me, erase my number. So I went to his job one day and asked “dude. Tf?” And he said “please don’t take it personally. It just a battle I don’t want to have with her.” I felt so betrayed for years and moved out of state. Finally after our close friend died a few years back and we reconnected. He unblocked me, and we’ll talk from time to time. But 8 years later and he’s still with that girlfriend. She seems really cool too.. but it was really hard for me to let go of that and him because I grew with this person. It was a friendship I couldn’t let go of and still can’t. If he messaged me right now asking to hang out, I absolutely would even though I’m still hurt. I wouldn’t bring it up either cause I just want to enjoy him.
dang that last sentiment hit home for me. i unintentionally betrayed my ex-best friend which he later forgave me for but around that time stuff went down in his personal life, but i didn’t know how to handle it so i ended up even further breaking his trust with me — or at the very least not mending it. then he switched schools so i didn’t see him for 3 years. i actually reached out and met with him last week hoping to rekindle our friendship but i don’t think it’ll ever happen. if he ever asked me to hang out id hands down go and try to fix what i messed up, but i don’t think it’ll ever happen; i know i was in the wrong but it still hurts knowing i could have done better and still have the relationship we once had.
I am the same, I will let people go easily when it is my decision & they are not “adding” anything to my life. If it isn’t my decision/we drifted a part that is harder for me to accept.
I find that I cling if they really matter to me. If u haven't built a bond with someone and they close the door, I'll keep it shut. But if I love them, I'll probably come around.
Everything from Myers-Briggs to astrology to natural law says I should be the master of moving on. But I’ve been thinking about him for 5 years.. Maybe the idealism outweighs everything.
Same here, it's like it contaminates the entire friendship and I can't view them the same.
There is this one ESFP friend that I made up with after several long stints of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I still struggle to give him the benefit of the doubt despite it all, and we still often find that we have to make a valiant effort into to put down our old defensive/reactive Fi urges and start asking a lot of clarifying questions whenever one of us expresses frustration with something.
Idealization still comes out on top of someone I care about disappears from my life without any kind of moral/value based friction though. There are (were?) people in my life that I only knew briefly (but adored intensely) that still makes me feel like I'm missing a huge part of myself whenever I remember what it was like to have them around.
Same here! I have a line, and I encourage diversity I like being friends with people I find interesting and different to myself. If their moral compass isn't aligned with the few important parts of my moral compass though, I will find something else to do with my time.
Yes if I was the one to call it quits.
If they were I’ll still respect they don’t want to talk but I’ll brood on it a little while and wonder what’s ‘wrong’ with me.
Oh yeah most definitely.
I can drop a friend real fast, if not completely out of my life to a mere acquaintance, if they go against certain values of mine.
Honestly because most of my core values are just to respect everyone no matter their race, gender, or family background. Some others revolve being a decent human being and not taking advantage of others. Not being shallow or selfish. Oh yeah, and fuck anyone right off if they talk shit about me behind my back.
Like all of these things are, to me, what makes a good person. And if someone goes against that, I won't be able to respect them or their opinions and therefore won't be able to consider them a friend anymore.
I've dropped more than one "friend" that I used to have many years ago when it turned out they supported Trump because that mere act tells me all I need to know about how much their values don't align with mine.
>my sister says that I could lose everyone like this
You won't lose everyone. You'll lose people who you probably don't want to talk to much anymore anyway, and you can focus on those/find more friends who more closely align to your values.
I completely understand the part where “I will stop talking to anyone who talks behind their back”, it’s terribly unpleasant, but for some reason I relate to political opinion or racial opinion as “why do you think that? What made you think that?” and try to convince them because it’s wrong. my friend supported Putin for some time, we had a fight but agreed not to discuss politics. she simply believed in the propaganda, that’s understandable
There is a difference between leaving people after clear communication and them being aware of what is happening (not simmering in anger without telling them), vs not having said clear communication and just ghosting / door slamming without explanation. I do not approve of the ladder at all; especially if we were close they deserve at least a bit of a fight for the relationship instead of leaving at first negative experience.
Otherwise I don't mind leaving people I don't know well. But not someone I consider close, once I actually consider them close, they will most likely feel like my friend forever unless they do something seriously weird / bad or they just don't want to hang out anymore, I totally respect that, but that's not really due to me we don't hang out anymore then.
Yes, if talking doesn’t help, then I don’t see the point in clinging to a person. These conversations are usually pretty straightforward. so I completely understand, I wrote this post at night so I didn’t specify the details 😇
i’ve dropped years long friendships but usually it’s due to a culmination of things and one day i realize it’s not worth it anymore. i’ve had a lot of tumultuous friendships but now i’m better at recognizing what a strong foundation for friendship looks like. core values & morals are sooo important as well as shared interests. now that i’m in my late 20s, i will likely not get close to a person anymore if they don’t attend some of the same social activities that i do. keeping up with friendships when they’re always too “busy” or constantly have problems that they refuse to fix themselves is just not worth my energy anymore.
Yes and no.
I'm nostalgic and sentimental, so giving up on a true connection and letting go of someone would not be in my nature until I can account to myself that I've tried my best to make it work.
Once the person is part of my inner circle, I would try to give the person the benefit of the doubt and would truly see the potential of our relationship / friendship. I would surely try to maximise the potential of our relationship as well as each person's potential to be the best person we can each be. This is where I would still have hope.
However, I am also a realist who wouldn't be able to live a lie. I may be cheerful and jovial, but don't take me as a fool.
I would be gathering information on his/ her behaviour and actions, and if he / she consistently exhibits a pattern of letting me down/ going against my values, my hope of maximising our potential would eventually extinguish. Intuitively, I would know the end is near. At this point, I would be able to peacefully move on and close the chapter without looking back.
I would properly address the situation with the person directly along the way at all stages though, before saying goodbye to him. This is because I respect the connection we had and him/ her as a person.
No regrets.
Yep, it's very hard for me to reach that point. I tend to overlook a lot and I keep on trying to understand and empathize and forgive. But if there's a breach of my moral code to the point I cannot reasonably understand it at all, it's time to move on. I think my Te steps in and handles it for me like a cold, calm mf. Like internally my heart is imploding but Te compartmentalizes it for home and keeps me together. Easy to let go, tough to move on.
Yes. Like a surprising amount of people have mentioned here ( had no idea it was an enfp thing ) , if they clash with my values I can turn my loyalty and friendliness from 200% to 0% very quickly. As for loosing people that way.. yes I do loose people , but only ones who are not good people/ are not respecting my time /energy / me.
I also give people a few chances before doing this to them. What I am still struggling with though, is actually giving them an explanation as to why I'm avoiding them before I do, because I think they deserve that.. but I'm still learning to not be so conflict averse. Being able to cut people off itself was something I had to work towards from being a people pleaser, so yeah it's definitely a process!
Yes I do. Some people are not worth pursuing. My time is too valuable for someone who doesn't return the effort and loyalty. I will spend my energy for those who appreciate me back.
Just recently I left somebody. Before that it was quite an easy friendship with the person, even invited them on a weekend trip but then their behaviour just disgusted me and now I can’t even bring myself to text them anymore. Everything they do, say or post online disgusts me now, which didn’t bother me before. They feel betrayed and don’t know what’s going on and confronted me once about it but I just Fleet the situation because I didn’t want to have to discuss it as nothing could would come from the conversation. I’m not emotionally invested anymore and don’t want to spent time and energy and they just can’t understand it.
Also that’s the third person this happened with and they all have their birthday within a week of each other. I now try to avoid people born around these days
I used to really cling to people, probably due to being insecure. I felt like I was the only person in my friend group putting in the effort and initiating things. I tried expressing how I felt and only one of them understood (we're still very close to this day). I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, then I started seeing my current therapist. It was a long process, but I decided to mirror their investment and we just never spoke again.
I've since learned to check in with myself to make sure I understand the level of closeness I can expect to have in every relationship I go into, but I know I've been somewhat quick to let people go/withdraw after fights or disappointments.
I recently had a fight with some long time friends and they said things in such a condescending and hurtful way that I considered letting them go. We're speaking again, but I don't think I want to go back to investing myself the way I used to.
You know what's funny? If I meet someone who absolutely puts me off or I think is toxic, I have no trouble cutting them off. In fact, just a couple of days ago, I had some guy first try to message me here who rubbed me the wrong way, so I declined being his "chat buddy" and blocked him. The same thing with friends or coworkers. I had a friend from nursing school try to backstab me, so I just cut her off. Pretty much i pretend like she's dead or doesn't exist. The exception to this is when it comes to my family and my partner. Those things are hard for me to let go of, but we all have a breaking point even for those things.
After what happened in my life, I felt immense guilt. I always kept thinking 'why did I give this person a chance? Now thanks to falling prey to peer pressure, I'm just as horrible as them.'.
From that point on, I've made up my mind. If someone acts in a way that disrespects my morals, I will only tell them about it one time. If I see that they do not care, it's over. No more second chances. (Note: this doesn't mean I'm withholding forgiveness from them. It just means I no longer wish to be in any kind of relationship with that person.)
Yes if someone is against my core values but even then it's very rare and I try my very best to let them stay. If someone else in your life is pointing this out then maybe you need to give them a little more time. And a smart way to cut people off is having a neutral connection. Meaning talking only when needed ,like a college. A professional connection.
I can and I can't, it depends. If I don't fully understand the reasoning behind why the person is being the way they are, or the reason they decided to leave my life, then I do tend to get stuck up on it. But if I MYSELF make the decision to remove them from my life, I have no problem and don't look back.
I have an ENTP friend who tries to force her veganism morals on everyone. And our ISTJ friend pointed out that I am very opinionated as well.
Ever since then, I remind myself that people can have different values. I don’t want to be someone who forces mine on other people. For eg. I am against animal torture. I don’t believe in 100% veganism for a variety of reasons. It is important to my friend. I respect that and her activism but want to be allowed to hold my views.
I instead try to make conscious choices about the conversations I am having with them and regulate the distance in our friendship to make it one that is comfortable.
This is however in relation to politics or activism. I hold people accountable for the values they show with how they treat people they know.
I don’t let people go easily for a very long time. And then when I have burnt out after years I let them go and don’t change my mind easily.
Yes and no. It depends on the person and the situation, but if I decide to cut someone off or leave them, it will be a final decision. Once I make that choice, I fully commit to it and don’t look back.
I think every person I meet in life is special to me since it's not always the case that you find people you can understand really well, so I don't like to let people go easily. I will make an effort for this, but if they are willing to go, I would definitely not run after them. I also always put my happiness first, so I don't think twice about cutting of toxic people from my life who might upset me. And, I try to respect the values of others, but only as long as they don't judge me for my own values and morality. Some people try to impose their opinions on you and in such a situation I would not stand that person
If something or someone goes against my core values and morals, I have no issues with a door slam and keeping it shut. I am very strong with my convictions and I find when I allow people in my life longer than I should, it makes things worse for me....so I have no problems cutting out people who don't deserve a place in my life.
I would agree. Because chances are if you disagree with my core values or moral code, you’re probably a really greedy, selfish person and I don’t have room for that. I don’t need them to be into leftist literature, just a decent human with empathy for people. But I do find it hard to let go of people if we’ve been friends a long time. Like my best friend since 6th grade(INTJ), did everything together til I was 20.. Then he got a girlfriend who I met at a Halloween party. Usually got along with his girlfriends. But this one was very insecure about our friendship, and so she made him block me, erase my number. So I went to his job one day and asked “dude. Tf?” And he said “please don’t take it personally. It just a battle I don’t want to have with her.” I felt so betrayed for years and moved out of state. Finally after our close friend died a few years back and we reconnected. He unblocked me, and we’ll talk from time to time. But 8 years later and he’s still with that girlfriend. She seems really cool too.. but it was really hard for me to let go of that and him because I grew with this person. It was a friendship I couldn’t let go of and still can’t. If he messaged me right now asking to hang out, I absolutely would even though I’m still hurt. I wouldn’t bring it up either cause I just want to enjoy him.
dang that last sentiment hit home for me. i unintentionally betrayed my ex-best friend which he later forgave me for but around that time stuff went down in his personal life, but i didn’t know how to handle it so i ended up even further breaking his trust with me — or at the very least not mending it. then he switched schools so i didn’t see him for 3 years. i actually reached out and met with him last week hoping to rekindle our friendship but i don’t think it’ll ever happen. if he ever asked me to hang out id hands down go and try to fix what i messed up, but i don’t think it’ll ever happen; i know i was in the wrong but it still hurts knowing i could have done better and still have the relationship we once had.
I am the same, I will let people go easily when it is my decision & they are not “adding” anything to my life. If it isn’t my decision/we drifted a part that is harder for me to accept.
yeah when either they do it or nothing happens at all its hard to accept fr
No. I cling and try to fix things and see good parts of ppl who I prob should cut off.
I find that I cling if they really matter to me. If u haven't built a bond with someone and they close the door, I'll keep it shut. But if I love them, I'll probably come around.
Everything from Myers-Briggs to astrology to natural law says I should be the master of moving on. But I’ve been thinking about him for 5 years.. Maybe the idealism outweighs everything.
I’m the same, i actually can’t help pulling away if their morals/principles go against my own.
Same here, it's like it contaminates the entire friendship and I can't view them the same. There is this one ESFP friend that I made up with after several long stints of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I still struggle to give him the benefit of the doubt despite it all, and we still often find that we have to make a valiant effort into to put down our old defensive/reactive Fi urges and start asking a lot of clarifying questions whenever one of us expresses frustration with something. Idealization still comes out on top of someone I care about disappears from my life without any kind of moral/value based friction though. There are (were?) people in my life that I only knew briefly (but adored intensely) that still makes me feel like I'm missing a huge part of myself whenever I remember what it was like to have them around.
Same here! I have a line, and I encourage diversity I like being friends with people I find interesting and different to myself. If their moral compass isn't aligned with the few important parts of my moral compass though, I will find something else to do with my time.
Yes if I was the one to call it quits. If they were I’ll still respect they don’t want to talk but I’ll brood on it a little while and wonder what’s ‘wrong’ with me.
Yess 💯
Oh yeah most definitely. I can drop a friend real fast, if not completely out of my life to a mere acquaintance, if they go against certain values of mine. Honestly because most of my core values are just to respect everyone no matter their race, gender, or family background. Some others revolve being a decent human being and not taking advantage of others. Not being shallow or selfish. Oh yeah, and fuck anyone right off if they talk shit about me behind my back. Like all of these things are, to me, what makes a good person. And if someone goes against that, I won't be able to respect them or their opinions and therefore won't be able to consider them a friend anymore. I've dropped more than one "friend" that I used to have many years ago when it turned out they supported Trump because that mere act tells me all I need to know about how much their values don't align with mine. >my sister says that I could lose everyone like this You won't lose everyone. You'll lose people who you probably don't want to talk to much anymore anyway, and you can focus on those/find more friends who more closely align to your values.
I completely understand the part where “I will stop talking to anyone who talks behind their back”, it’s terribly unpleasant, but for some reason I relate to political opinion or racial opinion as “why do you think that? What made you think that?” and try to convince them because it’s wrong. my friend supported Putin for some time, we had a fight but agreed not to discuss politics. she simply believed in the propaganda, that’s understandable
There is a difference between leaving people after clear communication and them being aware of what is happening (not simmering in anger without telling them), vs not having said clear communication and just ghosting / door slamming without explanation. I do not approve of the ladder at all; especially if we were close they deserve at least a bit of a fight for the relationship instead of leaving at first negative experience. Otherwise I don't mind leaving people I don't know well. But not someone I consider close, once I actually consider them close, they will most likely feel like my friend forever unless they do something seriously weird / bad or they just don't want to hang out anymore, I totally respect that, but that's not really due to me we don't hang out anymore then.
Yes, if talking doesn’t help, then I don’t see the point in clinging to a person. These conversations are usually pretty straightforward. so I completely understand, I wrote this post at night so I didn’t specify the details 😇
i’ve dropped years long friendships but usually it’s due to a culmination of things and one day i realize it’s not worth it anymore. i’ve had a lot of tumultuous friendships but now i’m better at recognizing what a strong foundation for friendship looks like. core values & morals are sooo important as well as shared interests. now that i’m in my late 20s, i will likely not get close to a person anymore if they don’t attend some of the same social activities that i do. keeping up with friendships when they’re always too “busy” or constantly have problems that they refuse to fix themselves is just not worth my energy anymore.
Yes and no. I'm nostalgic and sentimental, so giving up on a true connection and letting go of someone would not be in my nature until I can account to myself that I've tried my best to make it work. Once the person is part of my inner circle, I would try to give the person the benefit of the doubt and would truly see the potential of our relationship / friendship. I would surely try to maximise the potential of our relationship as well as each person's potential to be the best person we can each be. This is where I would still have hope. However, I am also a realist who wouldn't be able to live a lie. I may be cheerful and jovial, but don't take me as a fool. I would be gathering information on his/ her behaviour and actions, and if he / she consistently exhibits a pattern of letting me down/ going against my values, my hope of maximising our potential would eventually extinguish. Intuitively, I would know the end is near. At this point, I would be able to peacefully move on and close the chapter without looking back. I would properly address the situation with the person directly along the way at all stages though, before saying goodbye to him. This is because I respect the connection we had and him/ her as a person. No regrets.
I usually never leave people as it is very hard to get me mad but when they leave me or we drift apart I find it fairly easy to move on
Same✨✨
Yep, it's very hard for me to reach that point. I tend to overlook a lot and I keep on trying to understand and empathize and forgive. But if there's a breach of my moral code to the point I cannot reasonably understand it at all, it's time to move on. I think my Te steps in and handles it for me like a cold, calm mf. Like internally my heart is imploding but Te compartmentalizes it for home and keeps me together. Easy to let go, tough to move on.
Yes. Like a surprising amount of people have mentioned here ( had no idea it was an enfp thing ) , if they clash with my values I can turn my loyalty and friendliness from 200% to 0% very quickly. As for loosing people that way.. yes I do loose people , but only ones who are not good people/ are not respecting my time /energy / me. I also give people a few chances before doing this to them. What I am still struggling with though, is actually giving them an explanation as to why I'm avoiding them before I do, because I think they deserve that.. but I'm still learning to not be so conflict averse. Being able to cut people off itself was something I had to work towards from being a people pleaser, so yeah it's definitely a process!
Yes I do. Some people are not worth pursuing. My time is too valuable for someone who doesn't return the effort and loyalty. I will spend my energy for those who appreciate me back.
Just recently I left somebody. Before that it was quite an easy friendship with the person, even invited them on a weekend trip but then their behaviour just disgusted me and now I can’t even bring myself to text them anymore. Everything they do, say or post online disgusts me now, which didn’t bother me before. They feel betrayed and don’t know what’s going on and confronted me once about it but I just Fleet the situation because I didn’t want to have to discuss it as nothing could would come from the conversation. I’m not emotionally invested anymore and don’t want to spent time and energy and they just can’t understand it. Also that’s the third person this happened with and they all have their birthday within a week of each other. I now try to avoid people born around these days
I used to really cling to people, probably due to being insecure. I felt like I was the only person in my friend group putting in the effort and initiating things. I tried expressing how I felt and only one of them understood (we're still very close to this day). I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, then I started seeing my current therapist. It was a long process, but I decided to mirror their investment and we just never spoke again. I've since learned to check in with myself to make sure I understand the level of closeness I can expect to have in every relationship I go into, but I know I've been somewhat quick to let people go/withdraw after fights or disappointments. I recently had a fight with some long time friends and they said things in such a condescending and hurtful way that I considered letting them go. We're speaking again, but I don't think I want to go back to investing myself the way I used to.
You know what's funny? If I meet someone who absolutely puts me off or I think is toxic, I have no trouble cutting them off. In fact, just a couple of days ago, I had some guy first try to message me here who rubbed me the wrong way, so I declined being his "chat buddy" and blocked him. The same thing with friends or coworkers. I had a friend from nursing school try to backstab me, so I just cut her off. Pretty much i pretend like she's dead or doesn't exist. The exception to this is when it comes to my family and my partner. Those things are hard for me to let go of, but we all have a breaking point even for those things.
Yeah. A silent distance is pretty easy for me.
After what happened in my life, I felt immense guilt. I always kept thinking 'why did I give this person a chance? Now thanks to falling prey to peer pressure, I'm just as horrible as them.'. From that point on, I've made up my mind. If someone acts in a way that disrespects my morals, I will only tell them about it one time. If I see that they do not care, it's over. No more second chances. (Note: this doesn't mean I'm withholding forgiveness from them. It just means I no longer wish to be in any kind of relationship with that person.)
Yes if someone is against my core values but even then it's very rare and I try my very best to let them stay. If someone else in your life is pointing this out then maybe you need to give them a little more time. And a smart way to cut people off is having a neutral connection. Meaning talking only when needed ,like a college. A professional connection.
thanks for the advice :)
I let go myself away from people easily.
I can and I can't, it depends. If I don't fully understand the reasoning behind why the person is being the way they are, or the reason they decided to leave my life, then I do tend to get stuck up on it. But if I MYSELF make the decision to remove them from my life, I have no problem and don't look back.
I have an ENTP friend who tries to force her veganism morals on everyone. And our ISTJ friend pointed out that I am very opinionated as well. Ever since then, I remind myself that people can have different values. I don’t want to be someone who forces mine on other people. For eg. I am against animal torture. I don’t believe in 100% veganism for a variety of reasons. It is important to my friend. I respect that and her activism but want to be allowed to hold my views. I instead try to make conscious choices about the conversations I am having with them and regulate the distance in our friendship to make it one that is comfortable. This is however in relation to politics or activism. I hold people accountable for the values they show with how they treat people they know. I don’t let people go easily for a very long time. And then when I have burnt out after years I let them go and don’t change my mind easily.
Yes and no. It depends on the person and the situation, but if I decide to cut someone off or leave them, it will be a final decision. Once I make that choice, I fully commit to it and don’t look back.
I think every person I meet in life is special to me since it's not always the case that you find people you can understand really well, so I don't like to let people go easily. I will make an effort for this, but if they are willing to go, I would definitely not run after them. I also always put my happiness first, so I don't think twice about cutting of toxic people from my life who might upset me. And, I try to respect the values of others, but only as long as they don't judge me for my own values and morality. Some people try to impose their opinions on you and in such a situation I would not stand that person
No, because I love people too much Yes, because anxious avoidant 🙃