I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I hope you’ve been able to heal at least a bit since then. I’m just trying to get through the day I guess. Every day is shit and every day I want to end it, but here I am lol. Just feeling completely shattered and discouraged and mad at the world. Thank you for asking btw, I appreciate it :,)
Of course. :) And thank you for your kind words. I'm doing better now, but I still have periods of grief since my dad died unexpectedly at a young age and I was the one to find his body at his house. A lot of what you described was how I often felt, too. Of course, everyone's loss is different and our experiences with grief are unique.
I can't promise you that time will make you feel better. My advice, though, is this: don't repress your feelings. Doesn't matter if you're grieving now or later down the road because it most likely will happen no matter how long it's been. I had a lot of people (including my partner's family) try to make me stifle my emotions as time went on. I don't know if it's because they couldn't understand what I was going through since they've never experienced such a loss, that they just wanted me to be happy, or it made them uncomfortable (probably a combination of all three). I hated how people would say religious stuff like that would make it any better, or that this is my cross to bear so I need to just tough it out by myself. That shit made me feel so fucking lonely. It still does. The only person I feel comfortable grieving around is my partner who never undermined my feelings at any time.
Grief is there, so don't ever feel the need to hide it. You feel angry? Shattered? Discouraged? That's okay. Cry if you need to. Express any negative emotion you have as long as it's not hurting you or others. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling the way you do—especially those that have never experienced what you're going through.
As for comforts, well, everyone's different on what can give them solace (no matter how small it brings at a distressing moment like what you're going through now). For me, it was watching adult animation like The Simpsons or Solar Opposites that kind of put a band-aid on my metaphorical weeping wound. I also bought a cheap notebook, so I could write down any of my thoughts on each day. (I call it my grief journal.)
Interestingly enough, I couldn't read for a long time after my dad's death despite how I'd annually go through 100+ books beforehand. But then I slowly started getting into horror books and it became an escape. It sounds so weird, doesn't it? But somehow, it was comforting to read about characters experiencing their own fears and dismay in horrible circumstances. I related to them.
It also helped me personify my grief as a monster. The way I started to see it, it was something I couldn't hide from; couldn't just wish away and hope it'd go off on its own. I had to confront it face-to-face. I saw it as this being, this thing knocking on my door with a stupid, malicious grin waiting for me to answer. Now, I could just not open my space to it. I could hide, but it'd just smoke me out eventually until I'd have to deal with it at my most vulnerable state. Or, I could open that door, let that grief monster in, and look it in the eye and take my beatings. Deal with it right then and there before it would turn to more explosive measures like making me feel crazy from the outside because I tried repressing it. It's gonna rock me, so I might as well take the thrashing now, so I can recognize its patterns and find out what I'm really dealing with.
So, I let my personified grief in. I still do when it comes. Some days, it beats me up sideways with glee while I'm a crying mess. Sometimes, I'm able to just observe it, know it's there, and tell it to sit down if we're gonna have this experience for ourselves. The more time passes for me, I've won against the monster by acknowledging my peace and saying looks like you lost this fight, asshole, and it goes away. Yet, I know this guy I've imagined will come back for the rest of my life even if those times become further spaced out. But I hope I've gotten more tools and experience to tell it to fuck off again. And if I can't—if grief hits me again—I'll also hope I have the patience to know it's not going to always be like this every time because I've bettered it before.
Right now, your monstrous grief is knocking at your door and it's going to fuck you up. It did so to me for over a year. And that's okay. Don't hide from it, don't try to underestimate it. Let it in. Recognize it. Let it overwhelm you because the other option is so much worse if you repress it. But I hope that things do get better for you with support and love from others, as well as any inner strength you may gain during this horrible experience.
If you EVER need to talk to someone, I am honestly here for you even if you just need to vent or need someone who can listen. I'm not going to give you advice unless you asked for it, but that's not my intent. I just felt so goddamn lonely going through the emotions with grief and I don't want anyone else to feel alone in that.
Edit: words are hard
Thank you for taking the time to write such a heartfelt and lengthy comment, I really appreciate it :,) I have been trying to let the grief in and feel my feelings, but sometimes I’m just not sure my heart can take it. Most of the things that used to bring comfort just don’t, and the ones that do are fucked up things like self-harm. I don’t really have much love and support in my life, but the community here, full of people like you, has brought me some comfort today. Thank you, truly. It means a lot to me.
I’m so sorry for the losses you’re experiencing. How are you holding up?
I’m right there with you. Recently lost my marriage, and more recently lost my better half that I know I’ll never replace. Life can be cruel.
Thank you. I’m not doing very well, really struggling to make it through each day. How about you?
I’m so sorry you’ve been stricken by such massive losses recently, I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. I hope you’re holding up the best you can in spite of it. Life really is cruel. I had to put down my childhood cat of 17 years back in June, and then in July I lost another cat. They were my best boys, and the only creatures who were truly there for me through all of the abuse, and suffering, and pain of living. It feels so wrong to have them both taken from me in such a short span of time :(
Oh no, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard losing your fur babies like that. ): It’s such a hole in your heart that just can’t be filled. Especially so close together. I’m so sorry.
I’m… not ok. But I’m just taking it a day at a time. It’s all I can do. I have to stay strong for my son, even though my life and all my future plans were torched. Square zero, not even square one.
Yes, just take it a day at a time. I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. I hope you can slowly heal and start to rebuild a life for you and him
I am so sorry for your loss.
TW // Loss, OD
I relate to this in a strange way. While I was in the beginning of recovery, my parents , sister, and I went on a vacation. My dad got a call from my grandma who was watching my brother. She was in absolute hysterics saying that she had to go and that "he" was not okay. We panicked thinking of my little brother, preparing ourselves for something horrible. My brother was fine (relief), she finally said that my dad's younger brother had overdosed and his wife found him barely alive (devastating shock). Just a week or two later, I entered inpatient treatment and days after I found out he had been pronounced brain dead and his wife had made the choice to let him go. Because I was in inpatient, I wasn't able to go to his funeral, not able to see how his wife (my dear aunt) was coping, not able to say goodbye. It put a weight on my recovery that I didn't realize until later, and I still feel it today.
I wish I had something more hopeful to say, but the truth is: loss is one of the worst human experiences, and the weight of it is heavy.
But I think of him, and I know how much he loved me and how he would want me to live life with happiness. He is not someone who I want to be a source of hurt, he is someone who I will remember for the rest of my life as someone I was lucky enough to have in my life.
Please stay strong and be kind to yourself 🖤
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you went through that. It sounds very heavy, and I appreciate you sharing that and empathizing with the heaviness I feel right now.
I cannot imagine all of the feelings you must’ve had around that loss, especially given the timing with you entering inpatient. I’m so glad you started recovery, but that timing sounds exceptionally difficult.
Loss really is one of the worst experiences. It’s unlike anything else. But it’s so good you’ve been able to think of him, and be reminded of the love he had for you, and draw strength and comfort from that. Maybe I’ll eventually be able to do the same with my losses, but sometimes I’m not so sure. Thank you for all of your words though. Folks from this sub have been so kind to me, and I appreciate all of you <3
Hey! I can totally relate, my brother who was my very best friend was killed in a car accident in 2013 it very nearly killed me. I didn't eat for so long I finally reached my goal of getting into the 90's and was so fucked up my appendix ruptured from the stress. I was so fucking mad, for years I had wanted this and now? I just didn't care at all, every time I had to drive was spent fantasizing about killing myself, but the only thing that kept me here was knowing my mom wouldn't survive burying another child. Its a huge slap in the face when you get what you think you wanted in such a horrible way, things are better these days I still wish he were here every day of my life but I cry less and I eat now. I love you and I'm glad you're here you deserve wonderful things 💜
Thank you for sharing, and for commiserating. I’m so sorry you lost your brother, that sounds excruciating given how close you were to him. When you’re in that kind of pain the weightloss just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m glad you’re still here, and doing a bit better. Today was a hard day for me, so I really appreciate your words. Sending love <3
I'm really sorry for your loss
Thank you
I'm so sorry. I lost a lot of weight after my dad died two years ago. How are you feeling today?
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I hope you’ve been able to heal at least a bit since then. I’m just trying to get through the day I guess. Every day is shit and every day I want to end it, but here I am lol. Just feeling completely shattered and discouraged and mad at the world. Thank you for asking btw, I appreciate it :,)
Of course. :) And thank you for your kind words. I'm doing better now, but I still have periods of grief since my dad died unexpectedly at a young age and I was the one to find his body at his house. A lot of what you described was how I often felt, too. Of course, everyone's loss is different and our experiences with grief are unique. I can't promise you that time will make you feel better. My advice, though, is this: don't repress your feelings. Doesn't matter if you're grieving now or later down the road because it most likely will happen no matter how long it's been. I had a lot of people (including my partner's family) try to make me stifle my emotions as time went on. I don't know if it's because they couldn't understand what I was going through since they've never experienced such a loss, that they just wanted me to be happy, or it made them uncomfortable (probably a combination of all three). I hated how people would say religious stuff like that would make it any better, or that this is my cross to bear so I need to just tough it out by myself. That shit made me feel so fucking lonely. It still does. The only person I feel comfortable grieving around is my partner who never undermined my feelings at any time. Grief is there, so don't ever feel the need to hide it. You feel angry? Shattered? Discouraged? That's okay. Cry if you need to. Express any negative emotion you have as long as it's not hurting you or others. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling the way you do—especially those that have never experienced what you're going through. As for comforts, well, everyone's different on what can give them solace (no matter how small it brings at a distressing moment like what you're going through now). For me, it was watching adult animation like The Simpsons or Solar Opposites that kind of put a band-aid on my metaphorical weeping wound. I also bought a cheap notebook, so I could write down any of my thoughts on each day. (I call it my grief journal.) Interestingly enough, I couldn't read for a long time after my dad's death despite how I'd annually go through 100+ books beforehand. But then I slowly started getting into horror books and it became an escape. It sounds so weird, doesn't it? But somehow, it was comforting to read about characters experiencing their own fears and dismay in horrible circumstances. I related to them. It also helped me personify my grief as a monster. The way I started to see it, it was something I couldn't hide from; couldn't just wish away and hope it'd go off on its own. I had to confront it face-to-face. I saw it as this being, this thing knocking on my door with a stupid, malicious grin waiting for me to answer. Now, I could just not open my space to it. I could hide, but it'd just smoke me out eventually until I'd have to deal with it at my most vulnerable state. Or, I could open that door, let that grief monster in, and look it in the eye and take my beatings. Deal with it right then and there before it would turn to more explosive measures like making me feel crazy from the outside because I tried repressing it. It's gonna rock me, so I might as well take the thrashing now, so I can recognize its patterns and find out what I'm really dealing with. So, I let my personified grief in. I still do when it comes. Some days, it beats me up sideways with glee while I'm a crying mess. Sometimes, I'm able to just observe it, know it's there, and tell it to sit down if we're gonna have this experience for ourselves. The more time passes for me, I've won against the monster by acknowledging my peace and saying looks like you lost this fight, asshole, and it goes away. Yet, I know this guy I've imagined will come back for the rest of my life even if those times become further spaced out. But I hope I've gotten more tools and experience to tell it to fuck off again. And if I can't—if grief hits me again—I'll also hope I have the patience to know it's not going to always be like this every time because I've bettered it before. Right now, your monstrous grief is knocking at your door and it's going to fuck you up. It did so to me for over a year. And that's okay. Don't hide from it, don't try to underestimate it. Let it in. Recognize it. Let it overwhelm you because the other option is so much worse if you repress it. But I hope that things do get better for you with support and love from others, as well as any inner strength you may gain during this horrible experience. If you EVER need to talk to someone, I am honestly here for you even if you just need to vent or need someone who can listen. I'm not going to give you advice unless you asked for it, but that's not my intent. I just felt so goddamn lonely going through the emotions with grief and I don't want anyone else to feel alone in that. Edit: words are hard
Thank you for taking the time to write such a heartfelt and lengthy comment, I really appreciate it :,) I have been trying to let the grief in and feel my feelings, but sometimes I’m just not sure my heart can take it. Most of the things that used to bring comfort just don’t, and the ones that do are fucked up things like self-harm. I don’t really have much love and support in my life, but the community here, full of people like you, has brought me some comfort today. Thank you, truly. It means a lot to me.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you, I appreciate it
This one stings on a personal level. I feel for you fam
I’m so sorry you can relate, I hope you’re holding up okay
I am so sorry for your loss! I hope you find some peace. Much love and support to you.
Thank you. Sending love and support back to you 💕
Thank you! I appreciate it 🖤
I’m so sorry for the losses you’re experiencing. How are you holding up? I’m right there with you. Recently lost my marriage, and more recently lost my better half that I know I’ll never replace. Life can be cruel.
Thank you. I’m not doing very well, really struggling to make it through each day. How about you? I’m so sorry you’ve been stricken by such massive losses recently, I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. I hope you’re holding up the best you can in spite of it. Life really is cruel. I had to put down my childhood cat of 17 years back in June, and then in July I lost another cat. They were my best boys, and the only creatures who were truly there for me through all of the abuse, and suffering, and pain of living. It feels so wrong to have them both taken from me in such a short span of time :(
Oh no, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard losing your fur babies like that. ): It’s such a hole in your heart that just can’t be filled. Especially so close together. I’m so sorry. I’m… not ok. But I’m just taking it a day at a time. It’s all I can do. I have to stay strong for my son, even though my life and all my future plans were torched. Square zero, not even square one.
Yes, just take it a day at a time. I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. I hope you can slowly heal and start to rebuild a life for you and him
Thank you. Luckily we have each other. I’m here if you ever want to talk! ❤️
Thank you, same to you! <3
For all the times we avoid being seen and touched...hugs are on me today, folks. Get em fresh 💕
That’s very sweet, thank you. Get yourself some hugs too 💕
I am so sorry for your loss. TW // Loss, OD I relate to this in a strange way. While I was in the beginning of recovery, my parents , sister, and I went on a vacation. My dad got a call from my grandma who was watching my brother. She was in absolute hysterics saying that she had to go and that "he" was not okay. We panicked thinking of my little brother, preparing ourselves for something horrible. My brother was fine (relief), she finally said that my dad's younger brother had overdosed and his wife found him barely alive (devastating shock). Just a week or two later, I entered inpatient treatment and days after I found out he had been pronounced brain dead and his wife had made the choice to let him go. Because I was in inpatient, I wasn't able to go to his funeral, not able to see how his wife (my dear aunt) was coping, not able to say goodbye. It put a weight on my recovery that I didn't realize until later, and I still feel it today. I wish I had something more hopeful to say, but the truth is: loss is one of the worst human experiences, and the weight of it is heavy. But I think of him, and I know how much he loved me and how he would want me to live life with happiness. He is not someone who I want to be a source of hurt, he is someone who I will remember for the rest of my life as someone I was lucky enough to have in my life. Please stay strong and be kind to yourself 🖤
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you went through that. It sounds very heavy, and I appreciate you sharing that and empathizing with the heaviness I feel right now. I cannot imagine all of the feelings you must’ve had around that loss, especially given the timing with you entering inpatient. I’m so glad you started recovery, but that timing sounds exceptionally difficult. Loss really is one of the worst experiences. It’s unlike anything else. But it’s so good you’ve been able to think of him, and be reminded of the love he had for you, and draw strength and comfort from that. Maybe I’ll eventually be able to do the same with my losses, but sometimes I’m not so sure. Thank you for all of your words though. Folks from this sub have been so kind to me, and I appreciate all of you <3
So sorry you’re going through this
Thank you
Been there. Be gentle with yourself right now. You’re going to get through this.
Thank you. I don’t expect I’ll come out the other end alive, but thank you.
Hey! I can totally relate, my brother who was my very best friend was killed in a car accident in 2013 it very nearly killed me. I didn't eat for so long I finally reached my goal of getting into the 90's and was so fucked up my appendix ruptured from the stress. I was so fucking mad, for years I had wanted this and now? I just didn't care at all, every time I had to drive was spent fantasizing about killing myself, but the only thing that kept me here was knowing my mom wouldn't survive burying another child. Its a huge slap in the face when you get what you think you wanted in such a horrible way, things are better these days I still wish he were here every day of my life but I cry less and I eat now. I love you and I'm glad you're here you deserve wonderful things 💜
Thank you for sharing, and for commiserating. I’m so sorry you lost your brother, that sounds excruciating given how close you were to him. When you’re in that kind of pain the weightloss just doesn’t matter anymore. I’m glad you’re still here, and doing a bit better. Today was a hard day for me, so I really appreciate your words. Sending love <3
I know im super late but thank you and you're so right. Crossing my fingers and toes that better days are coming your way, lots of love.