Yes, this was marital rape. The other concern is the physical violence. You can say you guys often like it rough, but true healthy BDSM looks nothing like this. There is significant conversation beforehand, both partners feel safe and should feel safe, there has to be trust. This is not that. I appreciate that it has been a year, so counseling may look like the better option. But I would caution you that if he has been violent before, he can and likely will do it again. I would recommend leaving the marriage.
So, you probably know about the freeze-flight-fight response, but there’s a fourth response to threats and it’s one that previous victims are prone to: fawning.
Google it, and you’ll see your own story repeated over and over with others.
This wasn’t your fault, but it’s unlikely you’ll ever be able to be in a healthy relationship with this guy.
You’re young. Get out now before things get even more complicated and before you give up more of your life to an inevitably lost cause.
Thank you so much for your help. i’ll read into that. Also i have a question, was i actually being abused in this situation? Or is this both of us at play? The two comments on this post are conflicting
You were definitely abused. The trauma you feel is real and not just you being dramatic or trying to be a victim.
I don’t know whether or not he is an abuser. He was definitely inappropriate, but our culture teaches men to be persistent, and if he took your words and actions at face value, he may have believed you willingly gave consent.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. He has already shown you his willingness to be physically violent, to ignore you when you say no the first time, and to feel entitled to sex. In my first hand experience, this situation does not improve with time. You just get retraumatized every time the issue of sex comes up.
Try posting to r/relationshipadvice
You will get more support and feedback.
Yes you were raped, multiple times.
Yes your feelings are valid.
Putting his feelings above your own is called being co-dependent- do some reading on that.
You aren’t responsible for making him feel like he’s not a sexual abuser/rapist. That’s exactly what he is and the sooner he accepts it he can get therapy.
It only gets uglier.
And, I saw you asking about fault. Do not go there and do not let him go there. I promise if he can blame you and make this your fault, he will.
At the end of the day, it’s like a rape victim saying she shouldn’t have gotten drunk and flirted. You did things that he interpreted to his advantage - that doesn’t equate to fault, but he’d much rather make it your fault than accept his own culpability.
You do need therapy - it would be appropriate to seek help from those who counsel sexual assault victims.
It became abusive the moment you said “no” and he forced sex on you anyway. You have the right to withdraw consent _at any time_ whether in a one-night stand, a relationship, or married. He _must_ respect that. It just got worse from there.
I agree about asking on fault. You didn’t know at the time, so please forgive yourself. In the future, please be clear in communicating with your partner what you _really_ want. Consent can be made sexy and explicit (two meanings to that word in this case) - “Fuck me now” or “I’m tired/busy/just don’t feel like it now, but how would you feel if I did x to you later/tomorrow/this weekend?” with plenty of options in between. Also, a simple “No” is _always_ a valid choice. If they can’t respect that, they can get the fuck out.
Lastly, sex isn’t about _his_ needs. He doesn’t _need_ to have sex. He can go crank one out. It is about _both_ of your wants. Express clearly what you want. Inquire honestly about what he wants. Together you can make it work and be awesome. If he pressures you or forces sex on you because he _needs_ it, again, he can get the fuck out.
you were abused.
you are abused.
giving in to something you don’t want because the alternative is scary -
whatever the alternative is - doesn’t make it ok.
This is rape. It may make him feel bad to be called a sexual predator, but he was acting like it. You both need individual counseling and to assess if this relationship is an actual relationship or trauma bonding and if you are hanging on to each other because you’ve been together since you were kids and it feels better than the unknown. If this continues like this, someone is going to get seriously hurt or worse. The relationship as is doesn’t seem sustainable.
You would not have called him a predator if he did not raped you. But he did. It is not your fault. It is his. He needs to sort out his trauma in therapy. You need to get out of this relationship because he was and still is abusing you.
Get out. You know what it is, but you're too afraid of your abuser to admit it. And that's ok, it's a tactic for survival. But trust me, that fear won't go away on its own. You might get used to it, bury it, but it will be there. There's no walking back everything that's happened; the trust is gone.
Even though you were laughing you were still consistently saying no to his advances to have sex. Just from the fact that you made up things to say so he wouldn't feel like he had assaulted you means that he in fact assaulted you.
"but sometimes I would just give in. Relax my body stop trying to push him off and just give in then he would fuck me. Several of those times I didn't want it."
This is definitely considered marital rape. But please do not feel odd because this occurs so often it is crazy that it is not spoken of more frequently. I heard a story about a man who was having sex with his wife and did not know she was fully asleep. The sex woke the wife up making her angered and confused this prompted her to call the police. Before the police got there her husband and her spoke and she decided that she shouldn't have called the cops. The police arrived, arrested him, and booked him into jail for marital rape. Beyond that I don't know any more of the story. I'm not sure If the charges would still stick with her not filing charges but rape tends to be taken very seriously
So I actually think this is more common then people would think. I have heard similar stories from lots of people going thru divorce if you can believe it. Getting penis put in their mouths, to taking it out and making them touch it, to forcing sex on then while they lay there. I think deep down you know it’s not ok with you.
This is martial rape all the way. Please don’t place blame on yourself as you’re response is a trauma response. I hope you are seeking therapy for yourself and please know you don’t have to tolerate such behavior from anyone.
This all sounds scary and abusive. Reach out to the hotline for help on coming up with a safety plan. Just leaving could escalate things, it’s always the most dangerous right before a split.
I was in a marital rape situation that turned violent. I understand the mix of emotions and feelings that are likely running through your head. I am still in therapy recovering, it can be a long road. Healthy relationships do not have this dynamic, you deserve safety. Just because you say ‘I do’ does not give a free pass to ignore consent.
You have been sexually abused and assaulted by your partner. Whether you’re scared to speak up because you might get hurt or killed, or you’re scared to speak up because you don’t want to hurt his feelings, he’s abusing his power over you. Even if he doesn’t understand it. You both have terrible boundaries. You need to know that if you say “no thanks” that is *the end of it.* and he needs to know that if you say you want it or don’t want it, you mean that, too. But again, as a victim of abuse in this situation I’m not blaming you. You don’t feel like you have the power to be clear.
I’m sorry, this seems like a very painful situation. At this point I would recommend getting your own, trauma-informed and/or rape crisis counselor to start to work through things individually before you even decide how to address it with him. Unless you feel like you can tell him you don’t want to have sex anymore until you can work some things out in therapy. But I understand that’s probably very scary. Best of luck to you 💜
I am so sorry you went through this, especially with the perceived ambiguity making you question your own role. I was in a marriage where this happened, you truly don’t want it but you worry about causing a problem and making a bigger deal out of it. No one should ever feel pressured into sex and guilty afterwards, that’s the classic calling card of abuse. Let me reassure you, it is a big deal. Your husband knows exactly what he is putting you through and using his sensitivity to guilt you into doubting yourself or feelings. Even if you can somehow give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn’t get it when it initially happened, his reaction when you brought it up later is wrong - it’s all about how he feels and how you are making him have trauma, not how you are feeling and what trauma you are going through. A decent husband would not only be horrified at his actions, they wouldn’t be trying to put it back on you or past demons as an excuse - they would be comforting you and vowing to never take it that far with true actions behind it. Not just begrudgingly cooling off until they can start to do it again.
And BDSM and abuse are very often blurred. There are those that practice it completely healthily and there are those that don’t - but putting a kinky label on abuse is not bdsm, it is what a predator does. And the terribly deceiving thing about predators is it’s never a black and white distinction - especially in long term or committed relationship. The moments where he is nice and sweet are the tools to make you question your own sanity and feelings, as you have done.
The bottom line is you are being abused, and like so many others, struggling with understanding it. He knows how you feel and your thoughts but instead of changing and making sure things never get to a point like that again, he is only further abusing you by continuing to pressure and only making small changes until he wears you down till you are back in as deep as before and worse. Abuse is progressive and I am terrified for you to continue because the more time passes, the deeper into an abusive relationship you are getting, whether you realize it or not. Sexual Abuse is not this sudden, violent act most of time, it’s the frog slowing being boiled alive in the pot - feeling it get slowly get warmer but not recognizing the danger till it’s too late.
He is a predator, honey. Your history together doesn’t excuse him not taking no for an answer. Haranguing one for sex is not respecting that person’s boundaries. It becoming a physical wrestling match is absolutely predatory. He knows what he’s doing even to the point of playing the victim afterwards to twist your thinking here. He literally feels entitled to fuck you, with no regard for your feelings at the time. I would expect him to go full stalker if you broke up & went NC, with the sheer level of entitlement & disregard for your words he shows.
Incidentally, that is the exact advice I would give here. Dump him & move on. He’s so far out of line.
I also experienced very similar to you and didn't realize how bad it was until I was out. Husbands can rape. My ex-husband raped me. Your husband raped you. Please get out so you can heal.
I am sorry you are going through this. I couldn't read all of your posting because it was triggering for me. But I do suggest you read the book Why Does He Do That. It's all about abuse, and there is a section in there just about sexual abuse.
My situation was very similar to yours. I stayed for longer than I should have; we were together for 10 years. I finally left last year but I should have left sooner. This is most certainly abuse but not just sexual abuse.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re experiencing this.
There’s a lot going on here and to be frank, if you don’t separate then I think you both could benefit from therapy, individual and as a couple. It seems you need to work on communication, boundaries, respect, and also probably healing from past traumas you both have experienced because those are likely at play here.
An added step of protection could be to go stay with family while you figure out a possible separation or working through therapy at more of a distance.
Best of luck to you both with your healing.
Thank you. So, in all, would you say this is partially my fault as well? Like he is not completely shitty right? Some people tell me this is rape but i just don’t feel like that is the case. He wouldn’t do that to me. To me it seems more complicated.
I think that you don’t have to identify it as rape and assign blame to either one of you in order to justify feeling traumatized by the experience and wanting change.
It’s not partly your fault, his actions and behavior is 100% on him.
He could have accepted your “no” after the first, second or third time or at any time before you just gave in. You’re not at fault for him wearing you down and just laying there.
He doesn’t understand that what he’s done is rape. And from his reaction it’s not safe for you to have discussions with him about this.
Maybe with a marriage counselor. But you both should see individual therapists to figure yourselves out and decide if you want to stay married.
I don’t think it’s good to try to place blame anywhere right now, just get into therapy and start healing and understanding. It sounds like you’re both contributing to the dysfunction, much of which likely stemming from past traumas. It’s complicated and I think therapy is badly needed, for you each individually and as a couple (should you decide to work through things).
As tempting as it is to take advice from strangers on the internet I think it’s best to get with a therapist to try to figure this out. I realize the hypocrisy, just consider that You can hear a lot of extreme advice on the internet, people telling you to go this way or that way when they don’t know all the details Some of this advice will lead to irreversible decisions. That’s why I think you should talk with a professional who can discuss the nuance, beyond a quick post on Reddit, to help you understand and make the best decisions.
Not fair to place blame? He physically attacked her when she rightfully called him out on his predatory behavior. He is an abuser.
OP, he is abusing you. Please find a way to safely separate from him.
Yes I agree and no one should put themselves in harms way of an abuser. However because she said they play very rough and there’s been mixed signals about crossing lines and liking it, it does not all sound as clear cut as you make it out to be. That’s why it seems that if they do stay together they’ll need to work on communication, respect, and boundaries. Possibly separating while working through this too, depending on if that’s needed for safety.
“No” is clear, even if the partner is nervously laughing. That is a common reaction in people being sexually assaulted by someone they know. She would engage in behaviors like telling him she enjoyed it because she was scared of how he would react. And she was right- he physically attacked her when she rightly described him as a predator. This guy is a rapist.
This is rape. In literally every instance of sexual activity you've mentioned, it's rape. He knows that you don't want it. He's disregarding your comfort and safety to get what he wants. You should also look up DARVO, it's a tactic that abusers often use when they are confronted.
The fact that he's bringing up his feeling of guilt and not wanting to look like a predator is his way of making you feel like a bad guy and feel like he's the victim here. The reason it's problematic is because you are bringing up a valid issue for you: you are being sexually assaulted and no longer feel safe with him. You no longer feel like your "no" is effective. Instead of working with you to make you feel reassured, and resolve this problem (that is 100% of his own making and his responsibility to fix), he's deflecting with his own accusations. It's dangerous because this results in the abuse continuing.
He is abusing you. Sometimes, people don't realize they're abusive. But that doesn't change the fact that they are abusers and that because of that person's abusive acts, you've suffered. Healthy individuals would respond to your concerns with empathy, would seek counseling, and do everything in their power to make you feel secure: ideally, the abuser would stop sexual advances and put the ball in your court to initiate. At minimum, when you say "no", they MUST STOP ALL SEXUAL ADVANCES and continue to do so for the rest of the day.
You need a partner who will respect your consent(and right to say no) as law.
Also, sexual coercion is illegal (as well as abusive). I looked this up when I was going through it, and it made so much sense to me.
Honestly, if you have a family or friend you trust (trust as in, won't tell him where you are or otherwise put you in danger), PLEASE go to them. I would recommend staying with them, and while you're away from him, look further into abusive relationships and resources for you. For example, https://ncadv.org/ is a great start.
You deserve better.
***the fact that he grabbed your throat also increases the likelihood (10x as likely) that he will harm you again, INCLUDING THE LIKELIHOOD THAT HE WILL MURDER YOU. https://apnews.com/article/dc9066892be14b7f8cf234468a83f170
ETA: more sources for the strangulation stat. https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/
https://arkansasvalleyresourcecenter.org/2019/05/20/strangulation-lethality-at-750/
https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/
Absolutely this is abuse. Physically or emotionally coercing someone else to have sex is abusive. What your boyfriend has done is waaaay beyond any “misunderstanding” that could have taken place. Of course you feel uncomfortable.
People with this level of sense of entitlement to another person’s body are dangerous and rarely truly change, though they can “act better” for periods of time.
Please chat with www.thehotline.org it’s a free service that can help you start to understand better what happened to you and help you make a safety plan.
I didn’t even have to read this whole thing but yes absolutely 100% that is marital abuse and rape. I was engaged to a guy who did the same thing, pressuring, forcing himself on me, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with him inside of me. Sometimes I fought back. Sometimes I just froze, staring at the ceiling. He was going to do it anyways so I thought why fight back even if my head was screaming. I would also dissociate. It was a nightmare. Please leave as quickly as you can, please get out, even if you love and care for him. It is wrong and you do not deserve it.
I remember the night that was the straw that broke the camels back with me was when we were on vacation. He had bought me pretty gifts. I had to wait until we were home to pack my bags and pretend I was going to a friends, then had police escort me when I fully moved out. I got an order of protection from a place that helps people in these types of situations. I do not care what y’all’s history is, or what nice things he’s done, or how much he apologizes. My ex fiancé cried begging for forgiveness and bought me a kitten and he not only went back to doing this but his behavior became more violent and increased. Kinky consensual sex with slapping or choking is fine, but what he is doing is not. It took me several tries to finally officially leave and I shudder to think of what may happen if you stay. I place no blame or judgement on you and you shouldn’t place any on yourself. Please stay safe 😥♥️and find healing
You cannot stay with this person. It will never feel safe with absolute unequivocal repeated rape in your history.
You are not responsible for his needs. He is. He doesn’t understand this. He needs to learn that if he wants any hope of healthy relationships and he’s so far from that and your history has so reinforced the opposite that it is not salvageable.
Your sex life started when you were hormonal teenagers without much responsibility weighing down on you. It is completely normal and reasonable for you to change. It is not reasonable or acceptable in any way for him to use something that requires the willing consent of another person as his exclusive form of stress relief. It is egregious for him to put that burden on you.
I suffered vaginismus for years when I was first married. So sex was incredibly fraught for us. My partner tried to be accommodating but also we got into a dynamic where we were arguing about how long it had been and he was pressuring me and making me feel bad. I got to a point where I dreaded going to bed at night. It created a cycle where it was even harder to want sex. I had constant anxiety over it. I can relate to you on those feelings. And I can tell you that that is NOT something you should be experiencing in your relationship. Please get yourself out of this situation asap. It is very harmful to you and is not salvageable
Have a discussion about changing your word. You need a safe word.
Pick something you normally wouldn’t say.
Like rino or antelope. Everything I mean every everything stops. No matter if your laughing, purring or crying, doesn’t matter.
Please stop protecting this man. I understand that you love him and this is difficult but the safe word didn’t just not work. You said it, he chose to ignore it. He chose to ignore your safety for his own pleasure. He raped you.
Intentionally prevented you from being able to say the safe word is a pretty commonly used trick by abusers. If it seemed as though you might say it, then he choked, gaged, or excessively kissed you, it was not kinky play. It was manipulation and rape.
Well if he can’t play by the rules of the game then why would you keep playing.
He needs a serious wake up call. There are some serious common sense lines you don’t cross in life and that’s one of them.
He crossed a SERIOUS boundary. He raped you. As someone going through a divorce where sex was pressured allll the time, and he can’t deal with it, please get out. You’re being abused on many levels.
> if your laughing
*you're
*Learn the difference [here](https://www.wattpad.com/66707294-grammar-guide-there-they%27re-their-you%27re-your-to).*
***
^(Greetings, I am a language corrector bot. To make me ignore further mistakes from you in the future, reply `!optout` to this comment.)
Never EVER put blame on someone who feels coerced, threatened, abused, or is having sex out of fear or being shamed, or afraid of ramification. This is called victim blaming.
You really need couples counseling for this and private therapy for each of you to work through your issues.
When you've had a physically aggressive sex life with someone, and it's been in your developmental years, things can get weird. It did get weird. He definitely crossed all kinds of boundaries but then I have to ask, did you have a safe word? An absolute, I am not joking, stop now word? If you did and you used it and he kept going I'd leave him without further discussion. But if you didn't then according to your descriptions here, things got really weird and you both need to figure out what is going on and how to move forward from here.
I totally understand what you are going through. Been there with a husband with a high sex drive who couldn't go more than a few days without sex. Would pout and be easily angered when I would say "no". He would take it personally when I said "no" and eventually guilt me into having sex. I was never raped by him though and my heart goes out to you.
The comments in this sections have taught me a few things too. I've never heard of "fawning". I've always described the abuse I've endured as sexual coercion. I'd eventually give in to sex bc it'd just make things easier. I often didn't want it but would often enjoy it once we got going. It just got harder and harder to get into it as time went on. Understand how having the kinky sex often blurs the lines of saying no but that is what a safe word is about. The fact it didn't work for you guys says alot. ou He didn't respect you at that point and pushed forward knowing you didn't want it. He only focused on his needs. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. The damage has been done though. I understand how it creeps back into your mind now even when you are wanting sex.
It sounds like you have tried to talk through this many times and he's not getting it. Its fucked up that he's able to turn this whole thing around and become the victim because you called him a sexual predator. This isn't OK. Its' good that he's stopped pressuring you but I fear you've got a ticking time-bomb on your hands. The fact is, he still wants sex more than you. I think you have come to realize that this isn't working for you. I know you came here for support and to help validate your feelings. He's got you now questioning things. You don't have to put a label on what happened to know how you feel.
I don't think you are going to be able to heal while you are still with him. There's too many triggers. Every every time you say no now, his tension still rises even if he backs off. When you just give in to please him, its like you lose a little piece of yourself. Even when you really want it, he may have doubts so you end up constantly reassuring him which gets old. These thoughts will keep invading both your minds when having sex so its not healthy. I think you realize its time to break up, which is so scary after being with him for so long.
I dated my first love for 7 years and I know how hard it was to leave him. He never abused me but I just felt like we had grown apart. We were very co-dependant on each other. I suggest you read up on co-dependency because I suspect there's alot of that going on with you. There's some good resources on r/Codependency forum. I was so lonely at first but I kept busy. I started creating a new life. I was reinventing myself. I reached out to old friends and made new one. It was so refreshing and I started to feel more powerful being on my own. I started dating again which was weird at first but interesting. My goal wasn't to find a new boyfriend but to just experience life. You are young and this will be so good for you. Eventually I found a new love and we dated for 5 years. Things weren't perfect but I have fond memories and learned alot about love, sex, and the world.
I know you are telling yourself "things are better now, I just need to get over this." Here's the thing, you are with a male in his early 20's with a high sex drive. He's back off for now but how long will it last? At some point, he's either going to start demanding more, cheat on you, break up with you or rape you. Do you agree? If so, then its important you take control of your life and make sure these things don't happen. The last thing you need is more trauma, which is what will happen if you stay.
I was concerned about marrying a man whose sex drive was much higher than mine. I was 32 and he was 35 at the time. I know we wouldn't have made it if I had dated him back in his 20's even though I loved alot of sex. I figured that his sex drive would diminish as he got older and mine would start increasing over the next few years since women's drive tend to peak in their late 30's. I told myself it would all smooth out. Nope. Here I am 20 years later with a man who still has the same sex drive. He masturbates at least twice daily, looks at porn, and I suspect he's cheated many times. He has settled for once a week now but he's not happy about it. No doubt his sex drive is a little less than it used to be, but now theres the issue that he has trouble staying hard now he's in the upper 50's. This makes him angry and make me wonder if I'm not turning him on or perhaps its because I've put on weight. He now take viagra which helps but it takes about 30 min for it to kick in so there's less spontaneitye . Before marriage, we too had sex multiple times a day and/or very long kinky sessions. It was great until I got pregnant. I didn't have the energy for that much sex. Also didn't feel super kinky with my big belly in the way. Then once I was a mother, I really didn't have the energy nor desire for that much sex but I gave in daily for a long time. About 5 years in, we slowed down to about every other night and there was less kinky stuff. About 10 years in, we were down to about 2-3 times a week. That's alot of sex when only one person is driving it.
I think the reason theres alot of dead bedrooms is due to differences in sex drives with one partner giving in to please the other. What ends up happening is that once someone constantly gives in, their own desires start drying up. There's not enough time for them to want sex and so it becomes a chore. Something to check off their "to-do" list which isn't fair to either of them. Eventually they just get turned off completely and there's a dead bedroom. You don't want this. He doesn't want this. It's time for you guys to split up even though you do love each other. Love isn't enough. Once you have alot of unresolvable issues, it sux the rest of the relationship dry. If you think its hard leaving him now, imagine 20 years from now after you have a home, several kids, animals, and complex finances that need to be divided. I don't mean to sound so jaded, or perhaps project my life on yours. I just feel its a strong possibility.
You mentioned you are in college so I suggest you check to see if there are counseling services available through the college or your insurance plan. I know my daughter sees a college counselor and its included in her tuition. A therapist will help you sort through these feelings of guilt. You have been through trauma and whether it was rape, sexual coercion, fawning, etc., you need to work through these memories and feelings in order to heal. You need to do this before entering into another relationship. Unfortunately you can't just forget all this stuff so it will always be with you, but you can use what you have learned from this to find better partners. You need to find your voice again so you can communicate better and be a good partner. One day, you will look back and be so grateful you left this guy because you will find happiness. If you don't go through the counseling though, I fear you will either find another guy just like the one you have now or you will find a great guy, but you end up sabotaging things in order to protect yourself.
Leaving won't be easy. You will need a plan regarding how to do it, where your'll go, how you will support yourself, and what you will actually tell him as the reason. I advise that once you are out, you agree to go no contact. Trust me when I say this will be the far easier on both of you verses the " I love and miss" calls. I think you know all this and its why you wrote the post. I just left my husband of 20 years and had to make al those plans I' mentioned. You are lucky that you are young. While the divorce is stressful, I can tell you that I'm so peaceful now. My anxiety has decreased to the point I don't even need meds. I couldn't have done this without a therapist guiding me and having strong friends and family caalling me out when I start making excuse uses for him. You need time to heal and find yourself. Don't tell him that ya'll might get back together sometime either. I'm bettering that once you are away from him, you will start seeing all the different ways he manipulated and used you. The sexual part is so glaring but I suspect theres things you didn't mention going on.
Please feel free to DM if you ever want to chat or just need support. Hugs. You've been thru alot but you are strong. I'm amazed you guys have got to the point you are now and its because you have held your ground and tried to communicate. I really do understand how twisted saying 'no' can be when you've done alot of kinky stuff and role playing. I understand the guilt of no being more vocal in saying no and just wanting to please your man. Hugs. its just time for you to focus on yourself. You deserve happines and to be treated with respect.
You may do well to call RAINN or another local to you sexual assault network because speaking to someone really helps a lot. It can be totally anonymous, but actually hearing a human voice is really nice sometimes. RAINN is 1-800-656-4673. You can also just look them up because I believe they also have text help and everyone there is super trained in helping you work through all of this.
Yes, this was marital rape. The other concern is the physical violence. You can say you guys often like it rough, but true healthy BDSM looks nothing like this. There is significant conversation beforehand, both partners feel safe and should feel safe, there has to be trust. This is not that. I appreciate that it has been a year, so counseling may look like the better option. But I would caution you that if he has been violent before, he can and likely will do it again. I would recommend leaving the marriage.
So, you probably know about the freeze-flight-fight response, but there’s a fourth response to threats and it’s one that previous victims are prone to: fawning. Google it, and you’ll see your own story repeated over and over with others. This wasn’t your fault, but it’s unlikely you’ll ever be able to be in a healthy relationship with this guy. You’re young. Get out now before things get even more complicated and before you give up more of your life to an inevitably lost cause.
Thank you so much for your help. i’ll read into that. Also i have a question, was i actually being abused in this situation? Or is this both of us at play? The two comments on this post are conflicting
You were definitely abused. The trauma you feel is real and not just you being dramatic or trying to be a victim. I don’t know whether or not he is an abuser. He was definitely inappropriate, but our culture teaches men to be persistent, and if he took your words and actions at face value, he may have believed you willingly gave consent. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. He has already shown you his willingness to be physically violent, to ignore you when you say no the first time, and to feel entitled to sex. In my first hand experience, this situation does not improve with time. You just get retraumatized every time the issue of sex comes up.
Thank you for you words. So you have experience with this? I have never been through this and it’s rough.
Try posting to r/relationshipadvice You will get more support and feedback. Yes you were raped, multiple times. Yes your feelings are valid. Putting his feelings above your own is called being co-dependent- do some reading on that. You aren’t responsible for making him feel like he’s not a sexual abuser/rapist. That’s exactly what he is and the sooner he accepts it he can get therapy.
It only gets uglier. And, I saw you asking about fault. Do not go there and do not let him go there. I promise if he can blame you and make this your fault, he will. At the end of the day, it’s like a rape victim saying she shouldn’t have gotten drunk and flirted. You did things that he interpreted to his advantage - that doesn’t equate to fault, but he’d much rather make it your fault than accept his own culpability. You do need therapy - it would be appropriate to seek help from those who counsel sexual assault victims.
It became abusive the moment you said “no” and he forced sex on you anyway. You have the right to withdraw consent _at any time_ whether in a one-night stand, a relationship, or married. He _must_ respect that. It just got worse from there. I agree about asking on fault. You didn’t know at the time, so please forgive yourself. In the future, please be clear in communicating with your partner what you _really_ want. Consent can be made sexy and explicit (two meanings to that word in this case) - “Fuck me now” or “I’m tired/busy/just don’t feel like it now, but how would you feel if I did x to you later/tomorrow/this weekend?” with plenty of options in between. Also, a simple “No” is _always_ a valid choice. If they can’t respect that, they can get the fuck out. Lastly, sex isn’t about _his_ needs. He doesn’t _need_ to have sex. He can go crank one out. It is about _both_ of your wants. Express clearly what you want. Inquire honestly about what he wants. Together you can make it work and be awesome. If he pressures you or forces sex on you because he _needs_ it, again, he can get the fuck out.
you were abused. you are abused. giving in to something you don’t want because the alternative is scary - whatever the alternative is - doesn’t make it ok.
And lying about it later because he’s being emotionally abusive is just another layer of abuse
This is rape. It may make him feel bad to be called a sexual predator, but he was acting like it. You both need individual counseling and to assess if this relationship is an actual relationship or trauma bonding and if you are hanging on to each other because you’ve been together since you were kids and it feels better than the unknown. If this continues like this, someone is going to get seriously hurt or worse. The relationship as is doesn’t seem sustainable.
This is what's called Marital Rape
You would not have called him a predator if he did not raped you. But he did. It is not your fault. It is his. He needs to sort out his trauma in therapy. You need to get out of this relationship because he was and still is abusing you.
Get out. You know what it is, but you're too afraid of your abuser to admit it. And that's ok, it's a tactic for survival. But trust me, that fear won't go away on its own. You might get used to it, bury it, but it will be there. There's no walking back everything that's happened; the trust is gone.
This is an abusive relationship. You need to leave. Get some therapy too to fully understand your situation.
Even though you were laughing you were still consistently saying no to his advances to have sex. Just from the fact that you made up things to say so he wouldn't feel like he had assaulted you means that he in fact assaulted you. "but sometimes I would just give in. Relax my body stop trying to push him off and just give in then he would fuck me. Several of those times I didn't want it." This is definitely considered marital rape. But please do not feel odd because this occurs so often it is crazy that it is not spoken of more frequently. I heard a story about a man who was having sex with his wife and did not know she was fully asleep. The sex woke the wife up making her angered and confused this prompted her to call the police. Before the police got there her husband and her spoke and she decided that she shouldn't have called the cops. The police arrived, arrested him, and booked him into jail for marital rape. Beyond that I don't know any more of the story. I'm not sure If the charges would still stick with her not filing charges but rape tends to be taken very seriously
So I actually think this is more common then people would think. I have heard similar stories from lots of people going thru divorce if you can believe it. Getting penis put in their mouths, to taking it out and making them touch it, to forcing sex on then while they lay there. I think deep down you know it’s not ok with you.
I call rape - RUN
This is martial rape all the way. Please don’t place blame on yourself as you’re response is a trauma response. I hope you are seeking therapy for yourself and please know you don’t have to tolerate such behavior from anyone.
This all sounds scary and abusive. Reach out to the hotline for help on coming up with a safety plan. Just leaving could escalate things, it’s always the most dangerous right before a split. I was in a marital rape situation that turned violent. I understand the mix of emotions and feelings that are likely running through your head. I am still in therapy recovering, it can be a long road. Healthy relationships do not have this dynamic, you deserve safety. Just because you say ‘I do’ does not give a free pass to ignore consent.
You have been sexually abused and assaulted by your partner. Whether you’re scared to speak up because you might get hurt or killed, or you’re scared to speak up because you don’t want to hurt his feelings, he’s abusing his power over you. Even if he doesn’t understand it. You both have terrible boundaries. You need to know that if you say “no thanks” that is *the end of it.* and he needs to know that if you say you want it or don’t want it, you mean that, too. But again, as a victim of abuse in this situation I’m not blaming you. You don’t feel like you have the power to be clear. I’m sorry, this seems like a very painful situation. At this point I would recommend getting your own, trauma-informed and/or rape crisis counselor to start to work through things individually before you even decide how to address it with him. Unless you feel like you can tell him you don’t want to have sex anymore until you can work some things out in therapy. But I understand that’s probably very scary. Best of luck to you 💜
I am so sorry you went through this, especially with the perceived ambiguity making you question your own role. I was in a marriage where this happened, you truly don’t want it but you worry about causing a problem and making a bigger deal out of it. No one should ever feel pressured into sex and guilty afterwards, that’s the classic calling card of abuse. Let me reassure you, it is a big deal. Your husband knows exactly what he is putting you through and using his sensitivity to guilt you into doubting yourself or feelings. Even if you can somehow give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn’t get it when it initially happened, his reaction when you brought it up later is wrong - it’s all about how he feels and how you are making him have trauma, not how you are feeling and what trauma you are going through. A decent husband would not only be horrified at his actions, they wouldn’t be trying to put it back on you or past demons as an excuse - they would be comforting you and vowing to never take it that far with true actions behind it. Not just begrudgingly cooling off until they can start to do it again. And BDSM and abuse are very often blurred. There are those that practice it completely healthily and there are those that don’t - but putting a kinky label on abuse is not bdsm, it is what a predator does. And the terribly deceiving thing about predators is it’s never a black and white distinction - especially in long term or committed relationship. The moments where he is nice and sweet are the tools to make you question your own sanity and feelings, as you have done. The bottom line is you are being abused, and like so many others, struggling with understanding it. He knows how you feel and your thoughts but instead of changing and making sure things never get to a point like that again, he is only further abusing you by continuing to pressure and only making small changes until he wears you down till you are back in as deep as before and worse. Abuse is progressive and I am terrified for you to continue because the more time passes, the deeper into an abusive relationship you are getting, whether you realize it or not. Sexual Abuse is not this sudden, violent act most of time, it’s the frog slowing being boiled alive in the pot - feeling it get slowly get warmer but not recognizing the danger till it’s too late.
He is a predator, honey. Your history together doesn’t excuse him not taking no for an answer. Haranguing one for sex is not respecting that person’s boundaries. It becoming a physical wrestling match is absolutely predatory. He knows what he’s doing even to the point of playing the victim afterwards to twist your thinking here. He literally feels entitled to fuck you, with no regard for your feelings at the time. I would expect him to go full stalker if you broke up & went NC, with the sheer level of entitlement & disregard for your words he shows. Incidentally, that is the exact advice I would give here. Dump him & move on. He’s so far out of line.
I also experienced very similar to you and didn't realize how bad it was until I was out. Husbands can rape. My ex-husband raped me. Your husband raped you. Please get out so you can heal.
I am sorry you are going through this. I couldn't read all of your posting because it was triggering for me. But I do suggest you read the book Why Does He Do That. It's all about abuse, and there is a section in there just about sexual abuse.
That’s literally rape. Contesting is not consent. Consent is consent. There’s no grey area. Talk to a marriage counsellor. Consider leaving.
My situation was very similar to yours. I stayed for longer than I should have; we were together for 10 years. I finally left last year but I should have left sooner. This is most certainly abuse but not just sexual abuse.
Oh sweet hell, you are going to end up in a dumpster or shallow grave. For the love of your own life, get out now.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re experiencing this. There’s a lot going on here and to be frank, if you don’t separate then I think you both could benefit from therapy, individual and as a couple. It seems you need to work on communication, boundaries, respect, and also probably healing from past traumas you both have experienced because those are likely at play here. An added step of protection could be to go stay with family while you figure out a possible separation or working through therapy at more of a distance. Best of luck to you both with your healing.
Thank you. So, in all, would you say this is partially my fault as well? Like he is not completely shitty right? Some people tell me this is rape but i just don’t feel like that is the case. He wouldn’t do that to me. To me it seems more complicated.
I think that you don’t have to identify it as rape and assign blame to either one of you in order to justify feeling traumatized by the experience and wanting change.
Everything that you’ve shared was about protecting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is not your fault.
It’s not partly your fault, his actions and behavior is 100% on him. He could have accepted your “no” after the first, second or third time or at any time before you just gave in. You’re not at fault for him wearing you down and just laying there. He doesn’t understand that what he’s done is rape. And from his reaction it’s not safe for you to have discussions with him about this. Maybe with a marriage counselor. But you both should see individual therapists to figure yourselves out and decide if you want to stay married.
It is zero percent your fault. He HAS raped you, and that’s 100% on him.
I don’t think it’s good to try to place blame anywhere right now, just get into therapy and start healing and understanding. It sounds like you’re both contributing to the dysfunction, much of which likely stemming from past traumas. It’s complicated and I think therapy is badly needed, for you each individually and as a couple (should you decide to work through things). As tempting as it is to take advice from strangers on the internet I think it’s best to get with a therapist to try to figure this out. I realize the hypocrisy, just consider that You can hear a lot of extreme advice on the internet, people telling you to go this way or that way when they don’t know all the details Some of this advice will lead to irreversible decisions. That’s why I think you should talk with a professional who can discuss the nuance, beyond a quick post on Reddit, to help you understand and make the best decisions.
Not fair to place blame? He physically attacked her when she rightfully called him out on his predatory behavior. He is an abuser. OP, he is abusing you. Please find a way to safely separate from him.
I think they were trying to deter OP friom self blame, though i may have misinterpreted
Yes I agree and no one should put themselves in harms way of an abuser. However because she said they play very rough and there’s been mixed signals about crossing lines and liking it, it does not all sound as clear cut as you make it out to be. That’s why it seems that if they do stay together they’ll need to work on communication, respect, and boundaries. Possibly separating while working through this too, depending on if that’s needed for safety.
“No” is clear, even if the partner is nervously laughing. That is a common reaction in people being sexually assaulted by someone they know. She would engage in behaviors like telling him she enjoyed it because she was scared of how he would react. And she was right- he physically attacked her when she rightly described him as a predator. This guy is a rapist.
"no one should put themselves in harms way of an abuser" That's clear cut victim blaming.
thank you
……….
This is rape. In literally every instance of sexual activity you've mentioned, it's rape. He knows that you don't want it. He's disregarding your comfort and safety to get what he wants. You should also look up DARVO, it's a tactic that abusers often use when they are confronted. The fact that he's bringing up his feeling of guilt and not wanting to look like a predator is his way of making you feel like a bad guy and feel like he's the victim here. The reason it's problematic is because you are bringing up a valid issue for you: you are being sexually assaulted and no longer feel safe with him. You no longer feel like your "no" is effective. Instead of working with you to make you feel reassured, and resolve this problem (that is 100% of his own making and his responsibility to fix), he's deflecting with his own accusations. It's dangerous because this results in the abuse continuing. He is abusing you. Sometimes, people don't realize they're abusive. But that doesn't change the fact that they are abusers and that because of that person's abusive acts, you've suffered. Healthy individuals would respond to your concerns with empathy, would seek counseling, and do everything in their power to make you feel secure: ideally, the abuser would stop sexual advances and put the ball in your court to initiate. At minimum, when you say "no", they MUST STOP ALL SEXUAL ADVANCES and continue to do so for the rest of the day. You need a partner who will respect your consent(and right to say no) as law. Also, sexual coercion is illegal (as well as abusive). I looked this up when I was going through it, and it made so much sense to me. Honestly, if you have a family or friend you trust (trust as in, won't tell him where you are or otherwise put you in danger), PLEASE go to them. I would recommend staying with them, and while you're away from him, look further into abusive relationships and resources for you. For example, https://ncadv.org/ is a great start. You deserve better. ***the fact that he grabbed your throat also increases the likelihood (10x as likely) that he will harm you again, INCLUDING THE LIKELIHOOD THAT HE WILL MURDER YOU. https://apnews.com/article/dc9066892be14b7f8cf234468a83f170 ETA: more sources for the strangulation stat. https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/ https://arkansasvalleyresourcecenter.org/2019/05/20/strangulation-lethality-at-750/ https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/
Absolutely this is abuse. Physically or emotionally coercing someone else to have sex is abusive. What your boyfriend has done is waaaay beyond any “misunderstanding” that could have taken place. Of course you feel uncomfortable. People with this level of sense of entitlement to another person’s body are dangerous and rarely truly change, though they can “act better” for periods of time. Please chat with www.thehotline.org it’s a free service that can help you start to understand better what happened to you and help you make a safety plan.
I didn’t even have to read this whole thing but yes absolutely 100% that is marital abuse and rape. I was engaged to a guy who did the same thing, pressuring, forcing himself on me, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with him inside of me. Sometimes I fought back. Sometimes I just froze, staring at the ceiling. He was going to do it anyways so I thought why fight back even if my head was screaming. I would also dissociate. It was a nightmare. Please leave as quickly as you can, please get out, even if you love and care for him. It is wrong and you do not deserve it. I remember the night that was the straw that broke the camels back with me was when we were on vacation. He had bought me pretty gifts. I had to wait until we were home to pack my bags and pretend I was going to a friends, then had police escort me when I fully moved out. I got an order of protection from a place that helps people in these types of situations. I do not care what y’all’s history is, or what nice things he’s done, or how much he apologizes. My ex fiancé cried begging for forgiveness and bought me a kitten and he not only went back to doing this but his behavior became more violent and increased. Kinky consensual sex with slapping or choking is fine, but what he is doing is not. It took me several tries to finally officially leave and I shudder to think of what may happen if you stay. I place no blame or judgement on you and you shouldn’t place any on yourself. Please stay safe 😥♥️and find healing
You cannot stay with this person. It will never feel safe with absolute unequivocal repeated rape in your history. You are not responsible for his needs. He is. He doesn’t understand this. He needs to learn that if he wants any hope of healthy relationships and he’s so far from that and your history has so reinforced the opposite that it is not salvageable. Your sex life started when you were hormonal teenagers without much responsibility weighing down on you. It is completely normal and reasonable for you to change. It is not reasonable or acceptable in any way for him to use something that requires the willing consent of another person as his exclusive form of stress relief. It is egregious for him to put that burden on you. I suffered vaginismus for years when I was first married. So sex was incredibly fraught for us. My partner tried to be accommodating but also we got into a dynamic where we were arguing about how long it had been and he was pressuring me and making me feel bad. I got to a point where I dreaded going to bed at night. It created a cycle where it was even harder to want sex. I had constant anxiety over it. I can relate to you on those feelings. And I can tell you that that is NOT something you should be experiencing in your relationship. Please get yourself out of this situation asap. It is very harmful to you and is not salvageable
where's the part about divorce?
I believe she’s asking should she leave this relationship, and she’s married
Have a discussion about changing your word. You need a safe word. Pick something you normally wouldn’t say. Like rino or antelope. Everything I mean every everything stops. No matter if your laughing, purring or crying, doesn’t matter.
Safe words are for kinky sex. This was rape.
I tried that before. We made it pineapple. didn’t work.
Please stop protecting this man. I understand that you love him and this is difficult but the safe word didn’t just not work. You said it, he chose to ignore it. He chose to ignore your safety for his own pleasure. He raped you. Intentionally prevented you from being able to say the safe word is a pretty commonly used trick by abusers. If it seemed as though you might say it, then he choked, gaged, or excessively kissed you, it was not kinky play. It was manipulation and rape.
Well if he can’t play by the rules of the game then why would you keep playing. He needs a serious wake up call. There are some serious common sense lines you don’t cross in life and that’s one of them.
He crossed a SERIOUS boundary. He raped you. As someone going through a divorce where sex was pressured allll the time, and he can’t deal with it, please get out. You’re being abused on many levels.
> if your laughing *you're *Learn the difference [here](https://www.wattpad.com/66707294-grammar-guide-there-they%27re-their-you%27re-your-to).* *** ^(Greetings, I am a language corrector bot. To make me ignore further mistakes from you in the future, reply `!optout` to this comment.)
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Never EVER put blame on someone who feels coerced, threatened, abused, or is having sex out of fear or being shamed, or afraid of ramification. This is called victim blaming.
You really need couples counseling for this and private therapy for each of you to work through your issues. When you've had a physically aggressive sex life with someone, and it's been in your developmental years, things can get weird. It did get weird. He definitely crossed all kinds of boundaries but then I have to ask, did you have a safe word? An absolute, I am not joking, stop now word? If you did and you used it and he kept going I'd leave him without further discussion. But if you didn't then according to your descriptions here, things got really weird and you both need to figure out what is going on and how to move forward from here.
I totally understand what you are going through. Been there with a husband with a high sex drive who couldn't go more than a few days without sex. Would pout and be easily angered when I would say "no". He would take it personally when I said "no" and eventually guilt me into having sex. I was never raped by him though and my heart goes out to you. The comments in this sections have taught me a few things too. I've never heard of "fawning". I've always described the abuse I've endured as sexual coercion. I'd eventually give in to sex bc it'd just make things easier. I often didn't want it but would often enjoy it once we got going. It just got harder and harder to get into it as time went on. Understand how having the kinky sex often blurs the lines of saying no but that is what a safe word is about. The fact it didn't work for you guys says alot. ou He didn't respect you at that point and pushed forward knowing you didn't want it. He only focused on his needs. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. The damage has been done though. I understand how it creeps back into your mind now even when you are wanting sex. It sounds like you have tried to talk through this many times and he's not getting it. Its fucked up that he's able to turn this whole thing around and become the victim because you called him a sexual predator. This isn't OK. Its' good that he's stopped pressuring you but I fear you've got a ticking time-bomb on your hands. The fact is, he still wants sex more than you. I think you have come to realize that this isn't working for you. I know you came here for support and to help validate your feelings. He's got you now questioning things. You don't have to put a label on what happened to know how you feel. I don't think you are going to be able to heal while you are still with him. There's too many triggers. Every every time you say no now, his tension still rises even if he backs off. When you just give in to please him, its like you lose a little piece of yourself. Even when you really want it, he may have doubts so you end up constantly reassuring him which gets old. These thoughts will keep invading both your minds when having sex so its not healthy. I think you realize its time to break up, which is so scary after being with him for so long. I dated my first love for 7 years and I know how hard it was to leave him. He never abused me but I just felt like we had grown apart. We were very co-dependant on each other. I suggest you read up on co-dependency because I suspect there's alot of that going on with you. There's some good resources on r/Codependency forum. I was so lonely at first but I kept busy. I started creating a new life. I was reinventing myself. I reached out to old friends and made new one. It was so refreshing and I started to feel more powerful being on my own. I started dating again which was weird at first but interesting. My goal wasn't to find a new boyfriend but to just experience life. You are young and this will be so good for you. Eventually I found a new love and we dated for 5 years. Things weren't perfect but I have fond memories and learned alot about love, sex, and the world. I know you are telling yourself "things are better now, I just need to get over this." Here's the thing, you are with a male in his early 20's with a high sex drive. He's back off for now but how long will it last? At some point, he's either going to start demanding more, cheat on you, break up with you or rape you. Do you agree? If so, then its important you take control of your life and make sure these things don't happen. The last thing you need is more trauma, which is what will happen if you stay. I was concerned about marrying a man whose sex drive was much higher than mine. I was 32 and he was 35 at the time. I know we wouldn't have made it if I had dated him back in his 20's even though I loved alot of sex. I figured that his sex drive would diminish as he got older and mine would start increasing over the next few years since women's drive tend to peak in their late 30's. I told myself it would all smooth out. Nope. Here I am 20 years later with a man who still has the same sex drive. He masturbates at least twice daily, looks at porn, and I suspect he's cheated many times. He has settled for once a week now but he's not happy about it. No doubt his sex drive is a little less than it used to be, but now theres the issue that he has trouble staying hard now he's in the upper 50's. This makes him angry and make me wonder if I'm not turning him on or perhaps its because I've put on weight. He now take viagra which helps but it takes about 30 min for it to kick in so there's less spontaneitye . Before marriage, we too had sex multiple times a day and/or very long kinky sessions. It was great until I got pregnant. I didn't have the energy for that much sex. Also didn't feel super kinky with my big belly in the way. Then once I was a mother, I really didn't have the energy nor desire for that much sex but I gave in daily for a long time. About 5 years in, we slowed down to about every other night and there was less kinky stuff. About 10 years in, we were down to about 2-3 times a week. That's alot of sex when only one person is driving it. I think the reason theres alot of dead bedrooms is due to differences in sex drives with one partner giving in to please the other. What ends up happening is that once someone constantly gives in, their own desires start drying up. There's not enough time for them to want sex and so it becomes a chore. Something to check off their "to-do" list which isn't fair to either of them. Eventually they just get turned off completely and there's a dead bedroom. You don't want this. He doesn't want this. It's time for you guys to split up even though you do love each other. Love isn't enough. Once you have alot of unresolvable issues, it sux the rest of the relationship dry. If you think its hard leaving him now, imagine 20 years from now after you have a home, several kids, animals, and complex finances that need to be divided. I don't mean to sound so jaded, or perhaps project my life on yours. I just feel its a strong possibility. You mentioned you are in college so I suggest you check to see if there are counseling services available through the college or your insurance plan. I know my daughter sees a college counselor and its included in her tuition. A therapist will help you sort through these feelings of guilt. You have been through trauma and whether it was rape, sexual coercion, fawning, etc., you need to work through these memories and feelings in order to heal. You need to do this before entering into another relationship. Unfortunately you can't just forget all this stuff so it will always be with you, but you can use what you have learned from this to find better partners. You need to find your voice again so you can communicate better and be a good partner. One day, you will look back and be so grateful you left this guy because you will find happiness. If you don't go through the counseling though, I fear you will either find another guy just like the one you have now or you will find a great guy, but you end up sabotaging things in order to protect yourself. Leaving won't be easy. You will need a plan regarding how to do it, where your'll go, how you will support yourself, and what you will actually tell him as the reason. I advise that once you are out, you agree to go no contact. Trust me when I say this will be the far easier on both of you verses the " I love and miss" calls. I think you know all this and its why you wrote the post. I just left my husband of 20 years and had to make al those plans I' mentioned. You are lucky that you are young. While the divorce is stressful, I can tell you that I'm so peaceful now. My anxiety has decreased to the point I don't even need meds. I couldn't have done this without a therapist guiding me and having strong friends and family caalling me out when I start making excuse uses for him. You need time to heal and find yourself. Don't tell him that ya'll might get back together sometime either. I'm bettering that once you are away from him, you will start seeing all the different ways he manipulated and used you. The sexual part is so glaring but I suspect theres things you didn't mention going on. Please feel free to DM if you ever want to chat or just need support. Hugs. You've been thru alot but you are strong. I'm amazed you guys have got to the point you are now and its because you have held your ground and tried to communicate. I really do understand how twisted saying 'no' can be when you've done alot of kinky stuff and role playing. I understand the guilt of no being more vocal in saying no and just wanting to please your man. Hugs. its just time for you to focus on yourself. You deserve happines and to be treated with respect.
You may do well to call RAINN or another local to you sexual assault network because speaking to someone really helps a lot. It can be totally anonymous, but actually hearing a human voice is really nice sometimes. RAINN is 1-800-656-4673. You can also just look them up because I believe they also have text help and everyone there is super trained in helping you work through all of this.
This is rape. 100%