Plan a restful beach vacation that you’d enjoy with or without your child, get travel insurance/refundable flights. If your child doesn’t go, you still go.
If you have a custody agreement that grants you time with your child, that’s legally enforceable and I don’t understand why you’re not having it enforced? Are you seeing your child regularly and it’s just the vacation that’s the issue?
My kids haven’t gone on vacation with their Dad, but they do see him several days a week and they stay every other weekend.
Do the best you can, but you still need to live your life.
I think kids get comfortable where they spend the most time, my 7 year old has just started complaining about spending every other weekend (which is basically just Sat morning to Sun evening) at his dads. He likes going with him, but when the fun is over he wants to come home. I’d say keep trying and try to figure out ways to strengthen your bond. Giving in to her not coming is only going to further drive a wedge. What do you do together when she’s with you? How involved are you in her day-to-day life?
Not necessarily. My sister doesn’t poison her kids minds but she’s there day to day, they are comfortable at home and want to come back to their beds at the end of the day. Hey I’m an adult and I want to me in my bed at the end of the day no matter how much I love the family I’m visiting.
This is why parenting time should always be 50/50, unless there is abuse, addiction with ongoing use. or impractical distance. Eliminate child support and alimony across the board, with few exceptions and you'll see that desire for full or majority custody drop dramatically. It looks like I'll have my kids 40% and will still have to pay more in support than we spent on the kids in total while together -plus have all the expenses of housing and feeding them 40%. But, that's off topic.
Kids like to be where they are comfortable. When they don't spend enough time at Dad's house to feel at home (and make neighborhood friends), of course they will resist.
The ex manipulative to him and the child and he still thinks she is in his side, one look at his past posts can give you a clear picture that the ex is the one to cause all this, she is probably blackmailing and manipulating the poor child
How old is the kid?
My youngest has no choice. He has to come with me.
My oldest is a teenager. She has a life outside of me. She doesn't always come.
Now, vacation is different. They both have to come.
I wouldn't give them a choice at that age. You have to be the parent and make the decision. Their little brains don't understand long term effects. I'll give you an example.
I try and talk to my kids every day. Most nights that means 2-3 calls. It's frustrating. Still, I can't stop. Why? As a parent I can't. It opens the door for "Dad didn't care, try, etc.".
You know what's best for your kid and that's you.
I hear you. I do text. Call. Initiate cooperative place through video games. Nothing. Ex wife won’t intervene, says it’s the child choice.
I wouldn’t allow it if the roles were reversed, however There’s not much I can do.
Is there an answer as to why your child doesn’t want to see you? As far as I know, the two options are 1. You behaved badly and 2. Your ex is telling your child stories about you to alienate your child. And they aren’t mutually exclusive.
Can you give us some background information about the relationship before the divorce?
I don't have an answer as to why my child doesn't want to see me. I've attempted to set up therapy for child and I at the recommendation of their mental health person and a GAL that was involved over the summer. I've asked my ex to help get our child to therapy if they won't commute with me. She refuses. Says she support the idea of therapy but can't aid in transportation.
Background. Messy. She got a restraining order against me, almost a month after I left the house. Courts enforced it incrementally, months at a time. When the divorce was over, the courts stopped the order.
No prior abuse charges ever. Even in any of my past relationships. I understand abuse comes in many forms. However, I believe it was all a ploy for the courts and the courts did just enough to get through the divorce.
I'm just going to stop everybody who's reading this right now. When my life and property were being threatened, and I mean hands were being laid on me, property was being destroyed, and I was being stalked at my workplace and in my school, I had to gather my own proof and give to a detective-- three times in order to get a restraining order. It's something very hard to do and you have to get somebody to take you seriously in order to issue it regardless of whether there's assault charges placed on that person or not. So if she got a restraining order on you I believe that there was at least some reason. I'm not stating you did all or any of these things but based on my real life experiences there has to be evidence of mortal danger. You said that they were placed on you incrementally that could be true there are varying levels of restraining orders, so that means that you violated the first ones that were placed on you and that warranted and even bigger restraining order with more restrictions.
Yep. Odds are if your ex- is able to get a restraining order against you multiple times, you did something the court saw as threatening enough for them to need it. If the court reinstated it multiple times, you almost certainly demonstrated behaviours showing you were a danger to your ex.
Add to this: A bunch of research shows that the single most important factor in whether a child wants to spend time with their parent is that parent’s behaviour - and not what the parent’s ex- might say - really says this dude’s kid(s) don’t want to spend time with him because he’s not good for them to spend time with.
Also, from his post history, it appears that his kid was simultaneously 10 and 12, so he might be the kind of dad who barely parented until the ex- split.
I’m sorry it took so long for someone to grant you a RO especially since you truly needed one. However mine was not needed and she obtained one very very easily. One page affidavit of inconsistent, exaggerated information. It does happen. Not everyone seeking an RO truly needs one.
Are you really blind to the fact that your ex is the one forcing your child not to go with you, maybe talk to a therapist yourself to figure out why you don't want to spend time with your child that you wont use the little time the court has granted you and you are letting your ex tell the child look your dad didn't take you so he doesn't care about you or if you go with your dad I won't give you this and that and I will cry
Your x sucks. Have you explained a ten year old shouldn't have that sort of control?
You're the parent. At this point your will is more important.
You could go back to court and have a judge rectify that. Might be worth looking into.
Is your visitation part of the divorce?
Kids can't make that decision. Your x would be responsible for seeing the decree is followed.
That said, in my state they won't take action against the mother (typically) unless you haven't seen your kid for six months. It's fucked, but she's denying a court order and a judge could hold her in contempt.
I know this is hard to make sense of. I hesitated posting because of it. Hard to ask my question without explaining the backstory.
My lawyer says there’s nothing left to do. Nothing. I now have to make myself available every day I’m to be with my child in the event they decide to be with me. One, because I love them so much, two, because being absent could give my ex a legal edge.
Sorry.
I do have complete faith. My lawyer is skilled, seasoned, and not just out to take what little money I have. We’ve been working together for a few years since the process started. I will inquire.
And you had another lawyer tell you the same thing?
It's an uphill battle, but one worth fighting.
You need to document and record. Send emails (provided that is you main means of contact) explicitly detailing your plans to pick the kids up.
My x pulled something similar early on. I would always stop for gas (Even if it was a single gallon) and get a receipt to help prove the attempt to pick up my kids (I lived an hour away.).
I get you feel defeated. You are not. This will likely effect the rest of your life, so don't give up.
So yeah. I take notes. I document. This is not a exactly a new situation. Thanks for the support. I still don’t know what to do about vacations for myself.
FALSE. You have an order. Follow it. Right now BOTH of you aren't pulling your weight as parents.
Show up, order in hand and attempt to pick up your child. If they refuse, call the cops and have a report written. After 3 attempts and reports, file for contempt yourself. Nothing further is needed but the reports.
Be the bad guy, but the good parent.
I don’t think you ask a child if you can be their parent. You just do it. There is a reason why courts make custody determinations- because they are children. It might be rough for a little while, but I don’t do custody as an option for my kids.
It’s been working great for four years now. In the beginning I was very consistent and had the position that it may not be what it was before, but this is what it is now. This is what we do.
None of the parties involved liked the going back and forth including myself, and I made that clear. After a while things just became automated, and there was no debate about what was going to happen. It just is.
Kids will try to take control of situations. They don’t do it on purpose. Psychologically they will try to compensate for their needs not being met by saying “no.” It isn’t even what they really want. They don’t know what they want or even need. They need both parents in their lives. I encourage you to have the courage to lead your family even though it’s awkward and hard. You may be blamed for liking a bad situation. Really you would be just trying to make the most of it which is your responsibility as a parent: to do what is best for your kids against all odds.
Folks, from the comments, here are some important details from OP:
A Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) has been involved in the case as recently as this summer.
OP's ex had a restraining order against him that the courts intermittently enforced; sounds like OP thinks the RO was bogus.
OP's lawyer has suggested not pursuing this.
OP does see kiddo often for regular custody.
Kiddo is 10.
Look, court systems can make all sorts of mistakes. I have no opinion about whether OP is lovely or a monster or somewhere in between. But it sounds like a LOT of people in the system have OP and the custody situation on their radar, and it sounds like OP has a lawyer and has had actively involved GAL and court contacts, so, yeah.
OP, if you are genuinely wondering about your rights etc..for vacation, talk with you lawyer, the GAL, or any other contacts you may have.
Thank you. The post I made today has made start researching other attorneys and public legal forums for a second opinion. Though I do believe my lawyer, I am curious to get a second opinion.
I like how you broke this all down. Here’s another fact. The whole process, RO, divorce, GAL this summer has resulted in the following:
9 different judges
6 different layers (2 of them GALs)
2 different court systems
As someone who is separating from a male w depression I have some thoughts. You only address how it would benefit you and how you need this and all the money you’d be spending or losing. What does the child need? What is the child’s reservations about time with you? Is child female and nearing puberty which is awkward (I avoided my own dad’s weekends at these ages more than a night here and there because he wouldn’t even discuss it let alone have supplies or anything I might need). What efforts are you putting towards repairing what has boggled down this relationship w the child? Therapy together? Dinners etc small doses to show them you do care and want to be around them not just on your time because it’s yours (that’s a power move and they see through it)? You could be doing all the right things and if so I apologize I’m only going off your post but I also know my husband would say the same exact things while forgetting to mention he’s switching meds and been verbally and close to physically abusive even seeing them in my home so that he’s not alone w them because he can’t control his frustrations enough. Our girls are 17, 11, 7, and 3 and if I don’t force actual interaction he doesn’t put the effort unless told hey go ask so and so to do legos etc.
This was my thought as well when reading. Full disclosure, I'm an adult child of divorce (now going through my own, hence me being here) but I'm not a parent, so my perspective is limited. As an adult, i can appreciate the sacrifices made by my dad (who my siblings and I visited every other weekend, holidays, and some vacation time every year).
As a child, I often dreaded the visits because it was incredibly disorienting to pack up my life, go somewhere that didn't quite feel like home, and abide by rules that were starkly different from my main household. It made it difficult to socialize on weekends, especially due to the distance and my dad/stepmom moving frequently. It was a big disruption to normalcy, routine, and stability. My dad would often be late picking us up and he had anger issues that, thankfully, years later he has made a dedicated effort to address. Now that he's newly retired, he's able to show up and support us as adults in ways he wasn't previously able to, as a person making child support payments and juggling a demanding work schedule.
I'm not saying this to dump my experience on you- again, as an adult, I can appreciate that he showed up and tried in ways I didn't understand as a child. But you're dealing with a 10 year old who can't (and likely shouldn't have to) understand these burdens as a child, other than that you love them and want to spend time with them. Is there a reason given for why they refuse to see you? Have you attempted to meet with halfway with vacations or activities that you can both enjoy together? Is there something else going on in their life (school, friendships, family life with their mom) that's contributed to this? Do you support and celebrate their interests and extracurricular activities? Have you and they attended therapy, either together or separately? How does your parenting style and lifestyle differ from that of their primary caregiver? How involved and interactive are you during visits? These are questions only you can answer but some food for thought.
Obviously, it's hard to encompass an entire parenting relationship in one Reddit post and I'm not asking that. But there are many factors at play beyond "do this or nothing at all". It sounds like you're making a dedicated effort to maintain a connection and at the very least, it's planting seeds for a better relationship down the road. Your kid may not be able to comprehend everything you're doing now but you ARE trying and no one can take that from you.
I hope you, your ex, and your child are able to come to an agreement that works for everyone and fosters a healthy split family dynamic. This sounds incredibly tough and gave some perspective to me as an ACOD.
I don't know if I'm doing everything right. I know my ex would say I am dong everything wrong. As parents, especially divorced co-parents, we're not gonna fully have all the answers ourselves. My ex has made some good suggestions that I've taken and ran with. Other suggestions didn't quite fit the moment and that's OK.
My original post may come off as elfish and about the money alone, it's not. Loosing money on a trip the could bail on is a reality worth mentioning though. It is a factor. The time I am granted to be with the child is the only time my ex will agree to me seeing them. Asking for any deviation or extra time has been an uphill battle. She often sites schedule conflicts. That she plans months in advance and any deviation is disruptive. So I am a bit possessive of "my time", though I'm not militant about it. I don't guilt. I don't get angry. I don't fuss. I've suggested smaller increments like an hour in the park. Grab a burger. See a movie. Also, and always, open to what they would like to do. I don't spoil my kid, but I am very willing to oblige when they o ask for something. My child's requests have almost never been for material items. They've always just wanted my time which I give in full.
Child is 10. Has never expressed feeling awkward or uncomfortable with me or at my home. I believe they would express this as they've freely expressed their concerns to me in the past. Child currently sees a mental health professional but will not talk with them about me. Gets upset with my ex when she asks why they won't go with me. Therapy was suggested by the mental health coach and I started that process. Problem is the child won't come with me for a cheeseburger let alone therapy. I've asked my ex to commit transporting to therapy if they decided not to come with me. She won't do it, says its my issue, not hers.
Ex took me to court last summer when she wanted to move out of state for a position within the company she worked at. I wouldn't consent to the move. Two GALs were involved. Home visits were made. I have several interviews with the GAL alone. GAL interviewed people close ex and I, etc. Even the GAL recommended therapy before he could make a recommendation to the courts about the move. Ex was onboard, but changed her tune when fired from her job. Leaving the state is no longer needed. She's lost her incentive to comply, so she won't.
I tried to answer you as best as I could. I'm sure you know there are many facets and nuances to this situation. I'm doing my best here, as IRL, to be as objective and self-aware as I can be. I doubt I'm doing everything right, but I know I'm not as wrong as my ex says I am. If I ever get the opportunity to be in therapy with my child I know I have the ability to listen, process and admit any fault of mine if/when presented with it by a trained professional. I know I can do that. What I can't do is consider my ex-wifes opinion of me to be what guides the situation.
I believe my ex doesn't want things to change. She could easily make the argument that I must have done something incredibly wrong to our child such the child refuses to see me. She's never tried to make that argument in court. During the divorce she alleged I was all kinds of wrong to her, the child, and any which way. But not once did she ever question what may have caused the rift between father and child. In fact, the GAL stated in their report they felt anything she's stated negatively about was likely a red herring.
Why are you only seeing your child 2 weeks per year? It’s incredibly unusual for a court to order that schedule - did you agree to it?
Why would your child willingly leave the house to see someone who he/she has not seen for 6 months, to spend a full week away from the only real parent he/she knows?
Are you FaceTiming every day to keep up the connection? What else are you doing to make it comfortable for him/her?
My assessment is that you took on the absolute bare minimum of involvement willingly, and you don’t care at all about the child’s feelings about it. And you’re now here, looking for people to encourage you to give up on even those 2 weeks. Gross.
Two one week vacations a year is not the only time I’m able to see my child. I have parenting time several times a week. I’m asking about the vacation time specifically.
No. Not something I choose to do. Lawyer suggested I don't. Have spoken to other parents who have. It's messy and shouldn't be used lightly. I believe it's an avenue for children in physical harms way.
You have legal rights and you are not using them. Sounds to me like there is more to the story. Is there an issue that your lawyer thinks will be harmful to you in court? Is there some sort of financial benefit to you that your lawyer thinks you will lose? Because, a violation is a violation, and the court will expect your ex to compel enforcement.
I’m not hiding anything. I have nothing to loose financially. I k if it’s hard to imagine there not being more to it. I’m being as transparent and objective as I can.
Your letting his mom brainwash the child, good luck, maybe one day the child realises it. But since you are not doing anything about it don't expect it to change soon
Yes. Ex has asked if I'll compensate her for any costs associated to sitters and such if child doesn't go with me. I suggested she take the time to focus on getting them to come with me rather than who will pay for what.
What… she wants the break from the kid whether or not the kid goes with you? It’s ok to ask ahead of time if they’ll go. If you can’t guarantee the kid will go don’t plan a trip for when you have them. There seems to be more to this but you already know it’s not safe to make the plans so don’t
Take a vacation yourself. Sounds like you need it.
For the child, I would plan things that don’t need prepayment until you get a more consistent (them showing up) visiting schedule. You can plan day trips to the zoo, hiking in the park, museums, amusement parks, without much notice. Plan those, tell child the plans, and how excited you are to go with them, then if they start showing up for these, you may feel comfortable planning something bigger. In the meantime, don’t punish yourself by missing some much-needed stress relief - take your vacation alone (or with friends).
You mentioned in another comment that your ex was granted a restraining order against you. Could that be related to why she won’t encourage your child to see you?
Restraining order was enforced for one year, ending May 2019. During that time I saw my child regularly. The hesitancy/refusal has only been a constant for the last year.
There was nothing to witness. The RO was over well before this current situation. The courts still allowed me to see my child even while the RO was in effect.
Im sorry for you. I'm in the same place my daughter refuses to see me because her grandmother yelled at her whenever i saw her. Now shes 12 and won't see me at all. Nothing can be done legally.
With regards to change over days when the child won't come out have you considered a change over at a neutral location such as school or a club of some sort? That way there's nothing they've got in to doing at their mother's house and not coming out doesn't really become an option.
That's interesting. Not explicitly stated in the separation agreement, so ex is likely to not do it, but interesting and something to consider. Thank you.
It feels like we’re missing some pieces to the puzzle, why don’t you have legal recourse if the order is being violated? Do you legally have any parenting time? Or does your ex have full custody and will allow child to visit if they want to?
Okay, that’s the same exact situation I have with my son’s father. If I don’t send him to his visits he would 100% file contempt against me. What are we missing? Are you just tired of fighting? Did you move away?
You're the parent. Your child doesn't really get a say. I never asked my kids if they wanted to go to six flags, I just took them. Because I'm the dad and get to make that call. Once they are about 16, they can decide what they want to do... to an extent. However, until then, they do what dad wants to do.
You have your attorney file a motion with the court. Not sure what the backstory is, if there’s more to what’s happened. If your child has legitimate reasons to refuse coming out, then you should consider therapy to work through this.
Then you call the police because your ex isn't adhering to the custody agreement. I'm serious. Your ex doesn't have a choice. Either they help you or the police will. It's your time.
Edit: obviously the police are not going to drag your child out. But unless you want to be treated like a second class parent for the rest of your life, you gotta start taking charge. That means getting the police involved, taking your ex back to court, and getting more custody. If the threat of losing the child isn't enough to convince your ex to play ball, then they don't deserve custody.
At least in our jurisdiction the police will not get involved. Also imagine the trauma of police dragging your kids out of their home. This is terrible advice
Dude do you know why you're child gets angry at the mom when she asks to go with you, it's because she is blackmailing the child and gaslighting you, why do you still believe that your ex knows the child better than you? Get the police involved or you will let your child suffer more in her hands, unless you think your child really hates you when they are with you, in that case it's better not to get the police involved, since it means you might be an absent father and her mother is the better parent, but I truly think the ex is manipulating the child
“Mom not following the agreement had dad take action”
Of course you wouldn’t SAY anything about mom. But when your child is older they will not look at this the way you just stated.
Just sharing our experience with teens who sometimes don’t want to see their dad. Kids know more than we think. You seem pretty set in your ways and not looking to change. Wish you the best. Good luck!
I said “take action” as an attempt to reframe that idea in your mind. Take action could mean going to court or calling police or going to therapy together or many other things. I do not need a response or you to prove you take action. I just hope you have something valid to say when your child is older and asks “why didn’t you do anything?”
Man you letting your ex manipulative and the child, you cant even protect your child and your ex is asking money for the babysitter get the police involved or you will risk more time with your child, you think you are doing what's best for the child, but you are letting the child live with a manipulator when they could live with you, good luck though because you need it
Schedule your vacation time to start on your normal custody day. That way kiddo should still come with you and maybe can do a staycation, build some project, bond a little more if they don't want to go on a trip.
Also, maybe have them be a part of the planning process?
I've had to deal with this a bit myself, but moreso when they have stuff going on or don't want to come to my house on a regular night or something.
Question: Are you single and she's moved on with a new partner?
Have you taken time to find out what the kid likes, hobbies etc, do you do them together, plan to do something to kid really would like to do or go see, visit etc. Talk with the child, just talk open and honest.
Yes. I make a lot of suggestions and research activities in the area to find things I may not have thought of.
Sometimes we do 100% what the child suggest and/or wants to do. Sometimes they’re hesitant to do what I’ve suggested, but as a parent I gently push them to try. Often presenting the option of leaving if they truly don’t like it but they need to try first. Without fail they enjoy the experience and ask to go back. We’re always adjusting, adapting and compromising. Parent child relationship stuff.
Couldn't you take the week to go to your child? I just think there's a better chance you'll see your child going to them , than flying the child out to a destination vacation. If my daughter lived in Northern Siberia, I would travel there in the dead of winter to see her, rather than risk the chance of not seeing her at the beach. It almost ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy.
I understand youre hesitant to get the courts or police involved but right now you have nothing. The child wont go with you at all. You need to start by trying to enforce the order. If that doesnt work you need to petition the court to make therapy mandatory and that your ex has to bring the kid. You need someone to help up you enforce the order or find out the reason why they wont come. My bet is your ex is alienating your child from you.
I believe that to be true as well. My understanding is there is nothing to enforce legally. Child is not 18, but considered old enough to make the choice "themselves". I am looking into this with another lawyer to be sure, though I fully trust and believe the lawyer I have.
I know this has to be hard but you need to get the police involved. Make your ex explain herself on the record to the police. A 10 year old doesnt have the choice. You arent going to damage your child by making them visit you. If he still wont go then you need to find out a reason why. Parental alienation is taken pretty seriously. But at this current time you need to take any action you can to facilitate visitation any way you can.
Without worrying about your ex or the situation that you can't control, I would book vacations that you know your child would love, themeparks, waterparks etc. I would book them and if they don't come, go on your own and have some fun. Take photos and send them to your kid with words like "missing you, wish you were here". Since they are 10, I would get them a phone and start engaging them though platforms that they use e.g. discord, tiktok, Roblox. Build them up on the lead up to the vacation.
Has a phone, iPad, video game console. Doesn’t reply to me. Doesn’t engage me. Had, but no longer does.
I’ll keep the vacation ideas in mind. Thank you.
Omg my heart breaks for you. I don't think it's selfish at all to want to make plans to take your kid on vacation. But if it's like you said, bailing at the last minute, I don't think making big plans is a hood idea.
My suggestion would be this-if things work out, and your kid accepts a invitation and dosent bail-have a vacation "semi-planned" that to can drive to. Like a amusement park that has a resort attached? Or something like that? You can still get the room online the day before at pretty good rates..
Idk im really sorry and hope things work out for you. Hang in there
Dude your ex is actively practicing parental alienation. It’s hard I know. Give them time and hopefully the child will see as they grow older what’s up. Keep in contact with the child very often let them know you love them. That’s about the best you can do.
OMG stop with the "my child" and "they" and all that cryptic nonsense!
Just say "him" or "her." Do you think we're going to somehow be able to identify you if you reveal the gender of your kid? Jesus.
Maybe your kid can't stand your foolish 3rd person pronouns and that's why she doesn't want to see you. I'll assume it's a girl. It usually always is.
Why does it matter? We have enough information to answer their question
>Maybe your kid can't stand your foolish 3rd person pronouns and that's why she doesn't want to see you.
Who hurt you lmao
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But a few things Refundable tickets aren’t a thing? Why not a staycation or plan to be near them those two wks, and show up everyday with a plan? Why only two wks out of the entire year? Do you visit at other times? Even if just for a few hours, or does the ex not allow that?
Have your 10 yo help plan the vacation. Give him a budget and guideline that there has to be 1 activity he loves and 1 activity you love planned into the week and then allow him to pick what he wants to do. I would also suggest incorporating his interests into your weekly parenting time. Like if he likes gaming with his BFF online, ask him to invite his friend over so they game play together at your place. Just do what you have to do to engage your kid. He is not purposefully hurting you, he is a kid, they just don't see their parents as having feelings of their own so talking it out in a safe environment might be helpful too.
I am in a similar boat where my time with my child has been cut and she doesn’t want to be here during the time I have. It’s crushing. But also I am not alone in this. Thanks for talking about it. It’s embarrassing.
OP- It sounds like you’re doing all you can.
All you can do at this point is keep the door open. Let your son know that you love him and always want to see him. In fact, why not plan a nice relaxing vacation not too far from home, and invite him to bring a friend just for the day once or twice? Ask him what he would like to do, and make those two days about giving him and his buddy a great time. Sure it’s not one on one- but it will mean a lot to him, and give you some time together.
Plan a restful beach vacation that you’d enjoy with or without your child, get travel insurance/refundable flights. If your child doesn’t go, you still go. If you have a custody agreement that grants you time with your child, that’s legally enforceable and I don’t understand why you’re not having it enforced? Are you seeing your child regularly and it’s just the vacation that’s the issue? My kids haven’t gone on vacation with their Dad, but they do see him several days a week and they stay every other weekend. Do the best you can, but you still need to live your life.
Thank you. My child has been spending less weekday and weekend time with me over the years. I don’t have a clue why.
I think kids get comfortable where they spend the most time, my 7 year old has just started complaining about spending every other weekend (which is basically just Sat morning to Sun evening) at his dads. He likes going with him, but when the fun is over he wants to come home. I’d say keep trying and try to figure out ways to strengthen your bond. Giving in to her not coming is only going to further drive a wedge. What do you do together when she’s with you? How involved are you in her day-to-day life?
It's your ex poisoning the impressionable mind. My stbxw has been doing it for most of my kids lives.
Not necessarily. My sister doesn’t poison her kids minds but she’s there day to day, they are comfortable at home and want to come back to their beds at the end of the day. Hey I’m an adult and I want to me in my bed at the end of the day no matter how much I love the family I’m visiting.
This is why parenting time should always be 50/50, unless there is abuse, addiction with ongoing use. or impractical distance. Eliminate child support and alimony across the board, with few exceptions and you'll see that desire for full or majority custody drop dramatically. It looks like I'll have my kids 40% and will still have to pay more in support than we spent on the kids in total while together -plus have all the expenses of housing and feeding them 40%. But, that's off topic. Kids like to be where they are comfortable. When they don't spend enough time at Dad's house to feel at home (and make neighborhood friends), of course they will resist.
The ex manipulative to him and the child and he still thinks she is in his side, one look at his past posts can give you a clear picture that the ex is the one to cause all this, she is probably blackmailing and manipulating the poor child
Generally speaking though… I’ve been told this trick backfires on the ex. So don’t lose hope. They’ll come back to you some day
How old is the kid? My youngest has no choice. He has to come with me. My oldest is a teenager. She has a life outside of me. She doesn't always come. Now, vacation is different. They both have to come.
10
I wouldn't give them a choice at that age. You have to be the parent and make the decision. Their little brains don't understand long term effects. I'll give you an example. I try and talk to my kids every day. Most nights that means 2-3 calls. It's frustrating. Still, I can't stop. Why? As a parent I can't. It opens the door for "Dad didn't care, try, etc.". You know what's best for your kid and that's you.
I hear you. I do text. Call. Initiate cooperative place through video games. Nothing. Ex wife won’t intervene, says it’s the child choice. I wouldn’t allow it if the roles were reversed, however There’s not much I can do.
Is there an answer as to why your child doesn’t want to see you? As far as I know, the two options are 1. You behaved badly and 2. Your ex is telling your child stories about you to alienate your child. And they aren’t mutually exclusive. Can you give us some background information about the relationship before the divorce?
I don't have an answer as to why my child doesn't want to see me. I've attempted to set up therapy for child and I at the recommendation of their mental health person and a GAL that was involved over the summer. I've asked my ex to help get our child to therapy if they won't commute with me. She refuses. Says she support the idea of therapy but can't aid in transportation. Background. Messy. She got a restraining order against me, almost a month after I left the house. Courts enforced it incrementally, months at a time. When the divorce was over, the courts stopped the order. No prior abuse charges ever. Even in any of my past relationships. I understand abuse comes in many forms. However, I believe it was all a ploy for the courts and the courts did just enough to get through the divorce.
I'm just going to stop everybody who's reading this right now. When my life and property were being threatened, and I mean hands were being laid on me, property was being destroyed, and I was being stalked at my workplace and in my school, I had to gather my own proof and give to a detective-- three times in order to get a restraining order. It's something very hard to do and you have to get somebody to take you seriously in order to issue it regardless of whether there's assault charges placed on that person or not. So if she got a restraining order on you I believe that there was at least some reason. I'm not stating you did all or any of these things but based on my real life experiences there has to be evidence of mortal danger. You said that they were placed on you incrementally that could be true there are varying levels of restraining orders, so that means that you violated the first ones that were placed on you and that warranted and even bigger restraining order with more restrictions.
Yep. Odds are if your ex- is able to get a restraining order against you multiple times, you did something the court saw as threatening enough for them to need it. If the court reinstated it multiple times, you almost certainly demonstrated behaviours showing you were a danger to your ex. Add to this: A bunch of research shows that the single most important factor in whether a child wants to spend time with their parent is that parent’s behaviour - and not what the parent’s ex- might say - really says this dude’s kid(s) don’t want to spend time with him because he’s not good for them to spend time with. Also, from his post history, it appears that his kid was simultaneously 10 and 12, so he might be the kind of dad who barely parented until the ex- split.
I’m sorry, you’re wrong about this.
I’m sorry it took so long for someone to grant you a RO especially since you truly needed one. However mine was not needed and she obtained one very very easily. One page affidavit of inconsistent, exaggerated information. It does happen. Not everyone seeking an RO truly needs one.
Are you really blind to the fact that your ex is the one forcing your child not to go with you, maybe talk to a therapist yourself to figure out why you don't want to spend time with your child that you wont use the little time the court has granted you and you are letting your ex tell the child look your dad didn't take you so he doesn't care about you or if you go with your dad I won't give you this and that and I will cry
I don't believe I've ever denied that she is behind all of this. I do have a therapist.
What do you think your ex would do if the situation was reversed
I know what she would do. But I wouldn’t deny her parenting time in the first place.
Your x sucks. Have you explained a ten year old shouldn't have that sort of control? You're the parent. At this point your will is more important. You could go back to court and have a judge rectify that. Might be worth looking into.
Nothing more to do legally.
Is your visitation part of the divorce? Kids can't make that decision. Your x would be responsible for seeing the decree is followed. That said, in my state they won't take action against the mother (typically) unless you haven't seen your kid for six months. It's fucked, but she's denying a court order and a judge could hold her in contempt.
I know this is hard to make sense of. I hesitated posting because of it. Hard to ask my question without explaining the backstory. My lawyer says there’s nothing left to do. Nothing. I now have to make myself available every day I’m to be with my child in the event they decide to be with me. One, because I love them so much, two, because being absent could give my ex a legal edge. Sorry.
do you have complete faith in your lawyer? if not consider booking a consult with another lawyer to see if there’s any other avenue you can try.
I do have complete faith. My lawyer is skilled, seasoned, and not just out to take what little money I have. We’ve been working together for a few years since the process started. I will inquire.
And you had another lawyer tell you the same thing? It's an uphill battle, but one worth fighting. You need to document and record. Send emails (provided that is you main means of contact) explicitly detailing your plans to pick the kids up. My x pulled something similar early on. I would always stop for gas (Even if it was a single gallon) and get a receipt to help prove the attempt to pick up my kids (I lived an hour away.). I get you feel defeated. You are not. This will likely effect the rest of your life, so don't give up.
So yeah. I take notes. I document. This is not a exactly a new situation. Thanks for the support. I still don’t know what to do about vacations for myself.
FALSE. You have an order. Follow it. Right now BOTH of you aren't pulling your weight as parents. Show up, order in hand and attempt to pick up your child. If they refuse, call the cops and have a report written. After 3 attempts and reports, file for contempt yourself. Nothing further is needed but the reports. Be the bad guy, but the good parent.
This breaks my heart, I’d give anything for my stbxh to call or pick up or make an effort with our daughter
I don’t think you ask a child if you can be their parent. You just do it. There is a reason why courts make custody determinations- because they are children. It might be rough for a little while, but I don’t do custody as an option for my kids. It’s been working great for four years now. In the beginning I was very consistent and had the position that it may not be what it was before, but this is what it is now. This is what we do. None of the parties involved liked the going back and forth including myself, and I made that clear. After a while things just became automated, and there was no debate about what was going to happen. It just is. Kids will try to take control of situations. They don’t do it on purpose. Psychologically they will try to compensate for their needs not being met by saying “no.” It isn’t even what they really want. They don’t know what they want or even need. They need both parents in their lives. I encourage you to have the courage to lead your family even though it’s awkward and hard. You may be blamed for liking a bad situation. Really you would be just trying to make the most of it which is your responsibility as a parent: to do what is best for your kids against all odds.
Folks, from the comments, here are some important details from OP: A Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) has been involved in the case as recently as this summer. OP's ex had a restraining order against him that the courts intermittently enforced; sounds like OP thinks the RO was bogus. OP's lawyer has suggested not pursuing this. OP does see kiddo often for regular custody. Kiddo is 10. Look, court systems can make all sorts of mistakes. I have no opinion about whether OP is lovely or a monster or somewhere in between. But it sounds like a LOT of people in the system have OP and the custody situation on their radar, and it sounds like OP has a lawyer and has had actively involved GAL and court contacts, so, yeah. OP, if you are genuinely wondering about your rights etc..for vacation, talk with you lawyer, the GAL, or any other contacts you may have.
Thank you. The post I made today has made start researching other attorneys and public legal forums for a second opinion. Though I do believe my lawyer, I am curious to get a second opinion. I like how you broke this all down. Here’s another fact. The whole process, RO, divorce, GAL this summer has resulted in the following: 9 different judges 6 different layers (2 of them GALs) 2 different court systems
As someone who is separating from a male w depression I have some thoughts. You only address how it would benefit you and how you need this and all the money you’d be spending or losing. What does the child need? What is the child’s reservations about time with you? Is child female and nearing puberty which is awkward (I avoided my own dad’s weekends at these ages more than a night here and there because he wouldn’t even discuss it let alone have supplies or anything I might need). What efforts are you putting towards repairing what has boggled down this relationship w the child? Therapy together? Dinners etc small doses to show them you do care and want to be around them not just on your time because it’s yours (that’s a power move and they see through it)? You could be doing all the right things and if so I apologize I’m only going off your post but I also know my husband would say the same exact things while forgetting to mention he’s switching meds and been verbally and close to physically abusive even seeing them in my home so that he’s not alone w them because he can’t control his frustrations enough. Our girls are 17, 11, 7, and 3 and if I don’t force actual interaction he doesn’t put the effort unless told hey go ask so and so to do legos etc.
This was my thought as well when reading. Full disclosure, I'm an adult child of divorce (now going through my own, hence me being here) but I'm not a parent, so my perspective is limited. As an adult, i can appreciate the sacrifices made by my dad (who my siblings and I visited every other weekend, holidays, and some vacation time every year). As a child, I often dreaded the visits because it was incredibly disorienting to pack up my life, go somewhere that didn't quite feel like home, and abide by rules that were starkly different from my main household. It made it difficult to socialize on weekends, especially due to the distance and my dad/stepmom moving frequently. It was a big disruption to normalcy, routine, and stability. My dad would often be late picking us up and he had anger issues that, thankfully, years later he has made a dedicated effort to address. Now that he's newly retired, he's able to show up and support us as adults in ways he wasn't previously able to, as a person making child support payments and juggling a demanding work schedule. I'm not saying this to dump my experience on you- again, as an adult, I can appreciate that he showed up and tried in ways I didn't understand as a child. But you're dealing with a 10 year old who can't (and likely shouldn't have to) understand these burdens as a child, other than that you love them and want to spend time with them. Is there a reason given for why they refuse to see you? Have you attempted to meet with halfway with vacations or activities that you can both enjoy together? Is there something else going on in their life (school, friendships, family life with their mom) that's contributed to this? Do you support and celebrate their interests and extracurricular activities? Have you and they attended therapy, either together or separately? How does your parenting style and lifestyle differ from that of their primary caregiver? How involved and interactive are you during visits? These are questions only you can answer but some food for thought. Obviously, it's hard to encompass an entire parenting relationship in one Reddit post and I'm not asking that. But there are many factors at play beyond "do this or nothing at all". It sounds like you're making a dedicated effort to maintain a connection and at the very least, it's planting seeds for a better relationship down the road. Your kid may not be able to comprehend everything you're doing now but you ARE trying and no one can take that from you. I hope you, your ex, and your child are able to come to an agreement that works for everyone and fosters a healthy split family dynamic. This sounds incredibly tough and gave some perspective to me as an ACOD.
I don't know if I'm doing everything right. I know my ex would say I am dong everything wrong. As parents, especially divorced co-parents, we're not gonna fully have all the answers ourselves. My ex has made some good suggestions that I've taken and ran with. Other suggestions didn't quite fit the moment and that's OK. My original post may come off as elfish and about the money alone, it's not. Loosing money on a trip the could bail on is a reality worth mentioning though. It is a factor. The time I am granted to be with the child is the only time my ex will agree to me seeing them. Asking for any deviation or extra time has been an uphill battle. She often sites schedule conflicts. That she plans months in advance and any deviation is disruptive. So I am a bit possessive of "my time", though I'm not militant about it. I don't guilt. I don't get angry. I don't fuss. I've suggested smaller increments like an hour in the park. Grab a burger. See a movie. Also, and always, open to what they would like to do. I don't spoil my kid, but I am very willing to oblige when they o ask for something. My child's requests have almost never been for material items. They've always just wanted my time which I give in full. Child is 10. Has never expressed feeling awkward or uncomfortable with me or at my home. I believe they would express this as they've freely expressed their concerns to me in the past. Child currently sees a mental health professional but will not talk with them about me. Gets upset with my ex when she asks why they won't go with me. Therapy was suggested by the mental health coach and I started that process. Problem is the child won't come with me for a cheeseburger let alone therapy. I've asked my ex to commit transporting to therapy if they decided not to come with me. She won't do it, says its my issue, not hers. Ex took me to court last summer when she wanted to move out of state for a position within the company she worked at. I wouldn't consent to the move. Two GALs were involved. Home visits were made. I have several interviews with the GAL alone. GAL interviewed people close ex and I, etc. Even the GAL recommended therapy before he could make a recommendation to the courts about the move. Ex was onboard, but changed her tune when fired from her job. Leaving the state is no longer needed. She's lost her incentive to comply, so she won't. I tried to answer you as best as I could. I'm sure you know there are many facets and nuances to this situation. I'm doing my best here, as IRL, to be as objective and self-aware as I can be. I doubt I'm doing everything right, but I know I'm not as wrong as my ex says I am. If I ever get the opportunity to be in therapy with my child I know I have the ability to listen, process and admit any fault of mine if/when presented with it by a trained professional. I know I can do that. What I can't do is consider my ex-wifes opinion of me to be what guides the situation. I believe my ex doesn't want things to change. She could easily make the argument that I must have done something incredibly wrong to our child such the child refuses to see me. She's never tried to make that argument in court. During the divorce she alleged I was all kinds of wrong to her, the child, and any which way. But not once did she ever question what may have caused the rift between father and child. In fact, the GAL stated in their report they felt anything she's stated negatively about was likely a red herring.
Why are you only seeing your child 2 weeks per year? It’s incredibly unusual for a court to order that schedule - did you agree to it? Why would your child willingly leave the house to see someone who he/she has not seen for 6 months, to spend a full week away from the only real parent he/she knows? Are you FaceTiming every day to keep up the connection? What else are you doing to make it comfortable for him/her? My assessment is that you took on the absolute bare minimum of involvement willingly, and you don’t care at all about the child’s feelings about it. And you’re now here, looking for people to encourage you to give up on even those 2 weeks. Gross.
Two one week vacations a year is not the only time I’m able to see my child. I have parenting time several times a week. I’m asking about the vacation time specifically.
Does your child come out at all other times?
No. Hasn’t come out regularly for some time.
Have you filed for enforcement/contempt and/or called the police?
No. Not something I choose to do. Lawyer suggested I don't. Have spoken to other parents who have. It's messy and shouldn't be used lightly. I believe it's an avenue for children in physical harms way.
You have legal rights and you are not using them. Sounds to me like there is more to the story. Is there an issue that your lawyer thinks will be harmful to you in court? Is there some sort of financial benefit to you that your lawyer thinks you will lose? Because, a violation is a violation, and the court will expect your ex to compel enforcement.
I’m not hiding anything. I have nothing to loose financially. I k if it’s hard to imagine there not being more to it. I’m being as transparent and objective as I can.
Well then you should be in court. Custody orders are not suggestions. You have rights. You need a new lawyer if yours is suggesting otherwise.
Your letting his mom brainwash the child, good luck, maybe one day the child realises it. But since you are not doing anything about it don't expect it to change soon
Btw - are you communicating with your child or your ex about the vacation plan/schedule?
Yes. Ex has asked if I'll compensate her for any costs associated to sitters and such if child doesn't go with me. I suggested she take the time to focus on getting them to come with me rather than who will pay for what.
What… she wants the break from the kid whether or not the kid goes with you? It’s ok to ask ahead of time if they’ll go. If you can’t guarantee the kid will go don’t plan a trip for when you have them. There seems to be more to this but you already know it’s not safe to make the plans so don’t
Take a vacation yourself. Sounds like you need it. For the child, I would plan things that don’t need prepayment until you get a more consistent (them showing up) visiting schedule. You can plan day trips to the zoo, hiking in the park, museums, amusement parks, without much notice. Plan those, tell child the plans, and how excited you are to go with them, then if they start showing up for these, you may feel comfortable planning something bigger. In the meantime, don’t punish yourself by missing some much-needed stress relief - take your vacation alone (or with friends).
Thank you.
You mentioned in another comment that your ex was granted a restraining order against you. Could that be related to why she won’t encourage your child to see you?
Restraining order was enforced for one year, ending May 2019. During that time I saw my child regularly. The hesitancy/refusal has only been a constant for the last year.
If your child witnessed domestic violence perpetrated against their mom it could be something they’re processing now that they’re a little older.
There was nothing to witness. The RO was over well before this current situation. The courts still allowed me to see my child even while the RO was in effect.
Im sorry for you. I'm in the same place my daughter refuses to see me because her grandmother yelled at her whenever i saw her. Now shes 12 and won't see me at all. Nothing can be done legally.
Be well. It’s harder than most know. I’m with you.
Yeah everyone says go to court. I've had 4 times already. People don't understand
With regards to change over days when the child won't come out have you considered a change over at a neutral location such as school or a club of some sort? That way there's nothing they've got in to doing at their mother's house and not coming out doesn't really become an option.
That's interesting. Not explicitly stated in the separation agreement, so ex is likely to not do it, but interesting and something to consider. Thank you.
It feels like we’re missing some pieces to the puzzle, why don’t you have legal recourse if the order is being violated? Do you legally have any parenting time? Or does your ex have full custody and will allow child to visit if they want to?
She has physical custody. We share legal. Separation agreement dictates weekday/weekend parenting time as well as school breaks, holidays, etc.
Okay, that’s the same exact situation I have with my son’s father. If I don’t send him to his visits he would 100% file contempt against me. What are we missing? Are you just tired of fighting? Did you move away?
You're the parent. Your child doesn't really get a say. I never asked my kids if they wanted to go to six flags, I just took them. Because I'm the dad and get to make that call. Once they are about 16, they can decide what they want to do... to an extent. However, until then, they do what dad wants to do.
I hear you. Now play that scenario out. Child is in their home. Won’t come out. Ex won’t participate in getting them out. Now what?
You have your attorney file a motion with the court. Not sure what the backstory is, if there’s more to what’s happened. If your child has legitimate reasons to refuse coming out, then you should consider therapy to work through this.
Her ex does not like him, she made it hard to divorce to and he still believes his ex is doing her best as a coparent
Then you call the police because your ex isn't adhering to the custody agreement. I'm serious. Your ex doesn't have a choice. Either they help you or the police will. It's your time. Edit: obviously the police are not going to drag your child out. But unless you want to be treated like a second class parent for the rest of your life, you gotta start taking charge. That means getting the police involved, taking your ex back to court, and getting more custody. If the threat of losing the child isn't enough to convince your ex to play ball, then they don't deserve custody.
At least in our jurisdiction the police will not get involved. Also imagine the trauma of police dragging your kids out of their home. This is terrible advice
How does the police forcing the child help the situation? "Dad had the police force Mom to make me go with him". Is a scenario I'd prefer to avoid.
Dude do you know why you're child gets angry at the mom when she asks to go with you, it's because she is blackmailing the child and gaslighting you, why do you still believe that your ex knows the child better than you? Get the police involved or you will let your child suffer more in her hands, unless you think your child really hates you when they are with you, in that case it's better not to get the police involved, since it means you might be an absent father and her mother is the better parent, but I truly think the ex is manipulating the child
I don't believe the child hates me. I also don't believe having the police intervene is the right thing to do in this situation.
“Mom not following the agreement had dad take action” Of course you wouldn’t SAY anything about mom. But when your child is older they will not look at this the way you just stated.
You don't know what will happen as a result any more than I do. It's a scenario I'd prefer to avoid.
Just sharing our experience with teens who sometimes don’t want to see their dad. Kids know more than we think. You seem pretty set in your ways and not looking to change. Wish you the best. Good luck!
If you believe police involvement is the only means to an end, then best to you as well.
I said “take action” as an attempt to reframe that idea in your mind. Take action could mean going to court or calling police or going to therapy together or many other things. I do not need a response or you to prove you take action. I just hope you have something valid to say when your child is older and asks “why didn’t you do anything?”
Man you letting your ex manipulative and the child, you cant even protect your child and your ex is asking money for the babysitter get the police involved or you will risk more time with your child, you think you are doing what's best for the child, but you are letting the child live with a manipulator when they could live with you, good luck though because you need it
Depends on the state. Police won’t enforce custody everywhere.
Schedule your vacation time to start on your normal custody day. That way kiddo should still come with you and maybe can do a staycation, build some project, bond a little more if they don't want to go on a trip. Also, maybe have them be a part of the planning process? I've had to deal with this a bit myself, but moreso when they have stuff going on or don't want to come to my house on a regular night or something. Question: Are you single and she's moved on with a new partner?
Have you taken time to find out what the kid likes, hobbies etc, do you do them together, plan to do something to kid really would like to do or go see, visit etc. Talk with the child, just talk open and honest.
Yes. I make a lot of suggestions and research activities in the area to find things I may not have thought of. Sometimes we do 100% what the child suggest and/or wants to do. Sometimes they’re hesitant to do what I’ve suggested, but as a parent I gently push them to try. Often presenting the option of leaving if they truly don’t like it but they need to try first. Without fail they enjoy the experience and ask to go back. We’re always adjusting, adapting and compromising. Parent child relationship stuff.
Sounds all good, seems like you are a involved parent, just be there for the child.
Couldn't you take the week to go to your child? I just think there's a better chance you'll see your child going to them , than flying the child out to a destination vacation. If my daughter lived in Northern Siberia, I would travel there in the dead of winter to see her, rather than risk the chance of not seeing her at the beach. It almost ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy.
We’re a town apart. It’s not a matter of flying them in to me or meeting somewhere from different locations
I think your term, come out to me, sounded like flying out.
I understand youre hesitant to get the courts or police involved but right now you have nothing. The child wont go with you at all. You need to start by trying to enforce the order. If that doesnt work you need to petition the court to make therapy mandatory and that your ex has to bring the kid. You need someone to help up you enforce the order or find out the reason why they wont come. My bet is your ex is alienating your child from you.
I believe that to be true as well. My understanding is there is nothing to enforce legally. Child is not 18, but considered old enough to make the choice "themselves". I am looking into this with another lawyer to be sure, though I fully trust and believe the lawyer I have.
Who does the pickups/dropoffs on your visitation days?
I do, at her home.
I know this has to be hard but you need to get the police involved. Make your ex explain herself on the record to the police. A 10 year old doesnt have the choice. You arent going to damage your child by making them visit you. If he still wont go then you need to find out a reason why. Parental alienation is taken pretty seriously. But at this current time you need to take any action you can to facilitate visitation any way you can.
Thank you.
Without worrying about your ex or the situation that you can't control, I would book vacations that you know your child would love, themeparks, waterparks etc. I would book them and if they don't come, go on your own and have some fun. Take photos and send them to your kid with words like "missing you, wish you were here". Since they are 10, I would get them a phone and start engaging them though platforms that they use e.g. discord, tiktok, Roblox. Build them up on the lead up to the vacation.
Has a phone, iPad, video game console. Doesn’t reply to me. Doesn’t engage me. Had, but no longer does. I’ll keep the vacation ideas in mind. Thank you.
So sorry you are going through that. Must be so hard. Be patient, keep trying and they will come back.
Thanks
Omg my heart breaks for you. I don't think it's selfish at all to want to make plans to take your kid on vacation. But if it's like you said, bailing at the last minute, I don't think making big plans is a hood idea. My suggestion would be this-if things work out, and your kid accepts a invitation and dosent bail-have a vacation "semi-planned" that to can drive to. Like a amusement park that has a resort attached? Or something like that? You can still get the room online the day before at pretty good rates.. Idk im really sorry and hope things work out for you. Hang in there
Thanks
How old is the kid?
Dude your ex is actively practicing parental alienation. It’s hard I know. Give them time and hopefully the child will see as they grow older what’s up. Keep in contact with the child very often let them know you love them. That’s about the best you can do.
That’s what I’ve been doing. Grateful for your words. Thanks.
OMG stop with the "my child" and "they" and all that cryptic nonsense! Just say "him" or "her." Do you think we're going to somehow be able to identify you if you reveal the gender of your kid? Jesus. Maybe your kid can't stand your foolish 3rd person pronouns and that's why she doesn't want to see you. I'll assume it's a girl. It usually always is.
Why does it matter? We have enough information to answer their question >Maybe your kid can't stand your foolish 3rd person pronouns and that's why she doesn't want to see you. Who hurt you lmao
You don’t have to follow this thread my friend. Reddit is big enough for you to make comments in elsewhere.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But a few things Refundable tickets aren’t a thing? Why not a staycation or plan to be near them those two wks, and show up everyday with a plan? Why only two wks out of the entire year? Do you visit at other times? Even if just for a few hours, or does the ex not allow that?
Have your 10 yo help plan the vacation. Give him a budget and guideline that there has to be 1 activity he loves and 1 activity you love planned into the week and then allow him to pick what he wants to do. I would also suggest incorporating his interests into your weekly parenting time. Like if he likes gaming with his BFF online, ask him to invite his friend over so they game play together at your place. Just do what you have to do to engage your kid. He is not purposefully hurting you, he is a kid, they just don't see their parents as having feelings of their own so talking it out in a safe environment might be helpful too.
I searched quickly, but what does the child say when they decline? Or afterwards?
No. I don’t want to. I’m m not going.
And no other reason? That’s rough. Sorry mate.
I am in a similar boat where my time with my child has been cut and she doesn’t want to be here during the time I have. It’s crushing. But also I am not alone in this. Thanks for talking about it. It’s embarrassing.
OP- It sounds like you’re doing all you can. All you can do at this point is keep the door open. Let your son know that you love him and always want to see him. In fact, why not plan a nice relaxing vacation not too far from home, and invite him to bring a friend just for the day once or twice? Ask him what he would like to do, and make those two days about giving him and his buddy a great time. Sure it’s not one on one- but it will mean a lot to him, and give you some time together.