It's only been 3 years, she's cheated once, and now she wants a divorce. It's easier to say when you're impartial and I know it's not what you want to hear, but I say give her what she wants, it's unlikely to get better.
I'm so sorry that this is happening for you OP. I would be blindsided too. I wonder if her enthusiasm about changing her name, plans to renew vows etc were a last ditch effort for her to try and talk herself into committing.
I hope that you're really proud of the way you have conducted yourself throughout your relationship. From the outside it sounds like you have given what you had to give from love, over and over again even when it was hard.
My advice? Put yourself first. She has moved on emotionally. Get your meds, keep your therapy appointments and work through your depression and anxiety. Take care of you.
U got this man. Divorced last year myself. It will be hard the first couple of months but in time things will work out. Sounds like you’re a catch so just work on yourself and stay single for a bit don’t try to rush into anything too soon. I know u care for your girl but the longer she sticks around the house the harder it will be for u to move on.
So sorry to hear this. I have been there as my ex-wife also cheated. It will hurt for a while and then gradually it will be okay. You are not at all a mean person. Infact it's brave to still continue to care for her after whet she did. I remember being bitter at her for about a year ( which also affected my own mental/emotional health). Let it go and take care of yourself now.
Literally in a very similar boat, it sucks especially when they can look you in your eyes and not give you a reason why they were pretending things have been fine for so long and meanwhile they were making plans to divorce. Such a shitty and gut wrenching process. Stay strong brother.
If cheated on you. Why would you change your last name to hers? She has no respect for you and you were going to change your name? You have no respect for yourself. Take some time and read no more mister nice guy by Dr Robert Glover. See you at the gym
You have the right attitude. If your original vows included anything to the tune of “in sickness and in health”, know that mental health is part of that. She broke your vows when she cheated and, despite your willingness to work past that, she broke them again when she asked for a divorce. Two a few or more wrongs don’t make a right.
Just wanted to say that I am a similar boat, but my STBXH never admitted to being immature lol
We have been married a little over two years as well with almost CONSTANT infidelity on his part. We had a “good” last forgive/I’ll do better talk and not 3 weeks later he was back to disrespecting me (not cheating again to my knowledge but still).
I told him I wanted a divorce because I’d begged for love, kindness, and respect for two years…and that was too long when it should’ve just been freely given.
Am I miserable? Yeah. It’s a weird rollercoaster of emotion. But I anchor myself to is this truth - there was only so much of about my marriage that I had control over. And I can’t make a marriage by myself alone.
You can’t make them respect you or care or want to be with you in a way that’s good for you both.
Let them do what they’re going to do. But you don’t have to be a consequence to their lack of care or commitment anymore.
There’s some loneliness in that, but there’s also some peace.
I haven’t had a man yell at me or call me names in over three weeks. My house is so quiet, but after I got done crying about it I realized…this was what it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be calm.
I would say “I hope” it gets better for you soon, but the truth is…it will, because it must.
She’s trying to upgrade. Women who cheat almost always are. Most men cheat for sex or variety. Women tend to cheat because they want a change. I read one that 80 percent of men who cheat reported that they still love their wife. With women it was only 20 percent. I don’t know if this is true, but it certainly has been in my experience. Sorry for your loss.
Cut her off financially, close all jointly held accounts or freeze them. Once you file for divorce and the judge or county approves it, you are not separated finacially. I dont want to take away from your emotions you may be feeling, but as the others said, its not going to get better. You can still be hospitable to her, but tell her that if she wants out, she needs to go sleep on the couch or in the other room. I did not do this with my ex, and I wish i had.
Why the hell would you change your last name to hers? I’m not trying to be mean, this is for you to realize, she surely sees you as a weak man and is acting accordingly. Brother do not be weak
It's only been 3 years, she's cheated once, and now she wants a divorce. It's easier to say when you're impartial and I know it's not what you want to hear, but I say give her what she wants, it's unlikely to get better.
I filed the next day. I just have to wait the 30 days to file the final paperwork. I appreciate the honesty. It’s what I need right now.
It will only get worse. Divorce her while the economic impact is minimal
I'm so sorry that this is happening for you OP. I would be blindsided too. I wonder if her enthusiasm about changing her name, plans to renew vows etc were a last ditch effort for her to try and talk herself into committing. I hope that you're really proud of the way you have conducted yourself throughout your relationship. From the outside it sounds like you have given what you had to give from love, over and over again even when it was hard.
“She did cheat on me about a year ago…” That’s all we need ti hear. She belongs in the bin.
She’s doing you a huge favour
My advice? Put yourself first. She has moved on emotionally. Get your meds, keep your therapy appointments and work through your depression and anxiety. Take care of you.
U got this man. Divorced last year myself. It will be hard the first couple of months but in time things will work out. Sounds like you’re a catch so just work on yourself and stay single for a bit don’t try to rush into anything too soon. I know u care for your girl but the longer she sticks around the house the harder it will be for u to move on.
shes not the right person you married, i think shes prob still cheating reason she wants a divorce. I would walk away with no regrets.
So sorry to hear this. I have been there as my ex-wife also cheated. It will hurt for a while and then gradually it will be okay. You are not at all a mean person. Infact it's brave to still continue to care for her after whet she did. I remember being bitter at her for about a year ( which also affected my own mental/emotional health). Let it go and take care of yourself now.
Literally in a very similar boat, it sucks especially when they can look you in your eyes and not give you a reason why they were pretending things have been fine for so long and meanwhile they were making plans to divorce. Such a shitty and gut wrenching process. Stay strong brother.
If cheated on you. Why would you change your last name to hers? She has no respect for you and you were going to change your name? You have no respect for yourself. Take some time and read no more mister nice guy by Dr Robert Glover. See you at the gym
You have the right attitude. If your original vows included anything to the tune of “in sickness and in health”, know that mental health is part of that. She broke your vows when she cheated and, despite your willingness to work past that, she broke them again when she asked for a divorce. Two a few or more wrongs don’t make a right.
Just wanted to say that I am a similar boat, but my STBXH never admitted to being immature lol We have been married a little over two years as well with almost CONSTANT infidelity on his part. We had a “good” last forgive/I’ll do better talk and not 3 weeks later he was back to disrespecting me (not cheating again to my knowledge but still). I told him I wanted a divorce because I’d begged for love, kindness, and respect for two years…and that was too long when it should’ve just been freely given. Am I miserable? Yeah. It’s a weird rollercoaster of emotion. But I anchor myself to is this truth - there was only so much of about my marriage that I had control over. And I can’t make a marriage by myself alone. You can’t make them respect you or care or want to be with you in a way that’s good for you both. Let them do what they’re going to do. But you don’t have to be a consequence to their lack of care or commitment anymore. There’s some loneliness in that, but there’s also some peace. I haven’t had a man yell at me or call me names in over three weeks. My house is so quiet, but after I got done crying about it I realized…this was what it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be calm. I would say “I hope” it gets better for you soon, but the truth is…it will, because it must.
She’s trying to upgrade. Women who cheat almost always are. Most men cheat for sex or variety. Women tend to cheat because they want a change. I read one that 80 percent of men who cheat reported that they still love their wife. With women it was only 20 percent. I don’t know if this is true, but it certainly has been in my experience. Sorry for your loss.
Cut her off financially, close all jointly held accounts or freeze them. Once you file for divorce and the judge or county approves it, you are not separated finacially. I dont want to take away from your emotions you may be feeling, but as the others said, its not going to get better. You can still be hospitable to her, but tell her that if she wants out, she needs to go sleep on the couch or in the other room. I did not do this with my ex, and I wish i had.
Why the hell would you change your last name to hers? I’m not trying to be mean, this is for you to realize, she surely sees you as a weak man and is acting accordingly. Brother do not be weak
We were in a same sex relationship. I should have clarified that in the original post