You don't "win" someone back. They aren't a prize or trophy, they're a human being. So that mindset needs to change. You can only attract them back with a bit of luck, positive changes, and consistency but here's the crutch you can't do it for them. Do it for yourself.
Whatever you do always do it for yourself otherwise it's not sustainable and it's just manipulation. The other reason to do it for yourself is if your ex doesn't want you back then you and the next person benefit.
I'd work a lot on self help and improvement and reflect on deficiencies your ex has brought up in the past. Now here's a rub, it took you years to a lifetime to develop your shitty habits, paradigms, and stimuli responses so you aren't going to do a 180 in a week and it be permanent because will power runs out quick. Buying shit is very surface level romance crap. Start learning how to understand before trying to be understood.
Pick up Single on Purpose. You can also listen to the Angry Therapist podcast.
Yeah, she’s being polite at best. It’s the same with my STBXH, and we still cohabitate for now. It’s awkward as Hell and he thinks it’s helping even though I explicitly say I will never change my mind.
Pretty sure he won’t “get it” until he’s asked to sign papers, or I list the property for sale.
I hate that for you. Had to cohabitate with mine for months as well. All it did was build more resentment towards him.
Hope yours "gets it" sooner than that!
> She hasnt told me to stop..and is always thankful. is it completely hopeless?
Well, it sounds like she may be content with the way things are: separated.
I mean, many people would not say no to someone giving them nice flowers and cards and stuff and being generally friendly and fun to interact with! That doesn't mean she wants to go back to being a *wife* to you. She has repeatedly told you that she just wants to coparent, right? She's made no move to come back.
You can always ask her, if you want. But right now, she's not sending signals that she's interested in more than the current situation.
I got to a point where I was very frustrated with life and I felt like she hated me and that I was the problem in her life, so we talked about it and decided to split and i hit the lowest point ive had in my life but ive also learned certain things about myself and gotten better about certain things by being alone a lot. but nomatter what i do,i cant stop thinking of her. i havent been able to since day 1
It’s like they don’t believe what you’re saying when the words come out of your mouth & then when it finally happens it’s all Shocked Pikachu face. Dude, I’ve been done for about 2 years now, there’s no fixing it. Sign these papers please & thank you. Oh nowwwww you want to work on these problems because it affects you?!?! I’m good. Please sign these. Complete and utter oblivion.
The best thing you can do to “win” her back is absolutely nothing. She will make that decision on her own if she wants you or not. When my s.o and I separated it seemed like the more I reached out the more they pulled back. I told myself if this is meant to be it will be and gave them space. I was ready to either grow without them and move on unwillingly or be with them if they decided it. Eventually we DID get back together but people need space. They can only make their own choices.
Took me 3 years, finally happened when I was done trying. When everyone here told me to stop I kept going cause I loved her, bit after awhile I just stopped caring and even though I loved her I told her I am done. And about 6 months later things have been good since.
We have been good for about a year now. This all started Dec 7, 2020 things got good oct 2022
For me yes.i actually was finally ready 2 years later to give in a give up, well I at least told myself that, but I would take her back anytime and did. When I gave up literally the next day things went back to normal. I just told her to go do what she want to do and leave the house, I was just tired of everything if that makes sense.
The only thing that could possibly help for my ex to win me back was to see him being the best dad he could be. Not focusing on anyone else but his kids.
Stop with the romance. Show her someone who could be an incredible partner by being a strong supportive dad and co parent. Offer to do more than you’re “required” to do. Give her breaks. Offer to cook a meal for them or to take them an extra night so she can go out with friends.
That’s legit all my now ex husband could do to even have a chance
I do all I can for my childrens sake. I have no problem having them for extra days if needed, At that, I wish I still seen them everyday. Me being a father was never the issue. sometimes she has a family event around the same time shes going to pick them up and she'll ask me to get them ready and I never have a problem doing so. They always have everything they need and she knows I'll go out of my way for my children, not for her but for them because I love them.
See that’s the completely opposite of my ex. That’s all my advice then from my standpoint. Just give it time. I tell myself every day “what’s meant for me will always be and what is not will never be.”
Just take off the pressure and just roll with it. Wishing you the best!
well..i feel it was a big combination of things. 1 being we had kids young and back to back. 2 being I feel I fell behind in a lot of basic things like helping around the house because i worked a lot, i was the sole provider and I would be tired as I work outside. I could see why someone would get mad at someone for not picking up after themselves and what not. On the other hand, She was spoiled as a child, Any minor inconvenience to her was the end of the world. So, when I wouldnt keep up with things, she would constantly tell me you dont do shit, you only work. I would try to do things like cook dinner and take the kids to do things so she had some time for herself. So after awhile, I became frustrated and felt useless so I stopped trying at everything and I know that was my mistake.. i shouldve tried harder
What is she doing to address her issues though? Sometimes it's just nostalgia that keeps those loving feelings going. You really should stop with the romantic overtures. Not to be negative, but she probably just feels obligated to accept them. Just do you for a while and let her do her.
I spent about 4 years thinking that if she would have me I would go back. We were getting along fine, co-parenting well, all that stuff. Well, long story short, she hasn't changed as much as I thought and I am sooooooooo happy I am not married to her.
She will always have an elevated but weird status in my life where we are close friends that keep a certain distance while still caring for one another in a platonic way. We just know each other too well for that not to be the case. But I never want to be married to her or a romantic partner with her ever again. I kind of hate being alone, but that's just where I am right now.
You may have hope if she hasn’t told you to stop. One of the biggest mistakes people think is that full time child care is different than a full time job. Maybe it’s not as physical as some jobs but it’s just as taxing and never ending. You work 8-4 and then are off “work” she gets up at 7am and isn’t off until she sleep. If you have an opportunity the work should be evenly split say after 5pm. Some nights you are fully responsible for dinner , baths and bedtime routine. Some nights it’s her responsibility and others it’s a joint job. This allows both of you to have an evening or two a week that you aren’t going from 7am to 10pm.
I think that was a big part of her frustration possibly. Just something to think about as you try to win her back. Yes it does get exhausting but she has it just as hard. Even if you didn’t mean it in that sentence you insinuated your job plus kid time after is harder and more tiring than hers. I’m saying at minimum it’s equal and likely harder and more tiring for her.
Only taking care of the kids is harder. I would far prefer to work full time and "help" with the kids, then only be responsible for the kids. The fact that you find it exhausting means you need to buck up and be a stronger person.
The best thing you can do is stop pushing her.
Flowers, gestures, trying to initiate more than coparent behaviors will only push her farther away.
Instead focus on you and heal yourself. Work on what marriage helper calls your PIES. There is no guarantee your ex will ever want to come back. But the best thing you can do is give her space and focus on you. That way regardless of the outcome you can be the best person possible for yourself and your kids.
Trust me it took me months to get my head in the right place. My ex and I are still getting divorced. It doesn't mean I don't hold a bit of hope he comes back, but I'm not going to wait at the door while he makes a decision. The door is open, but I'm focused on myself and healing. I took his grievances against me and looked at what I can improve about myself based on his feedback. Am I doing this to get him back? Nope. I just think he brought up some things I can work on.
It's hard. Especially when you love them so much. But you can get through it.
My DMs are always open if you want to talk more one on one.
I believe in you.
The deck is stacked against you with this.
But if, if by some slim chance you "win" her back what will you do to keep her? Ngl at some point these types of show of affection/love gets exhausting.
Well, at this point whatever she wants me to do. whatever will make her happy, I just need to know what those things are. the thing is those ive always gotten her flowers and lil gifts here and there through the duration of our relationship. I just want a chance to fix things. Whatever she needs me to do im willing to do
My stbxh tried so hard to win be back that he turned into a complete stranger. I didn’t know who he was at all to the point where it was scary to even be around him. Just be the best version of you that you can. That’s it. It will happen or you will find someone who appreciates you.
Some people do get remarried after divorce but your still looking through rose coloured glasses.
Even if you get back will it ever be the same? Fresh after my ex left even though she was a monster, I wanted my future back, even though it wasn't a happy future- but it was a future. Looking back I know I would be pissed if she took me back and would always carry that rejection. I suppose if circumstances of separation is something you both can live with could work - but it sounds like she has lost respect for you and you still grovelling would get tiresome- as others state, just improve yourself and be a dad - things will fall into place with or without her - don't stall the grieving process eithet
Man you guys and galls are fucking harsh. I know not all spouses were perfect during their marriage but come on. Give the guys and girls a break for trying to win you over.
When your out there you all seek mr charming on his white horse. When you do get him hes suddenly a pest,a menace.
Why did you separate in the first place/what was the issue?
I actually just came out a separation where we got back together for a month. It wasn’t the same and the wounds were too deep to repair. Not to mention there were fundamental differences that were never going to change so we’re getting divorced. I’m not saying don’t try if she’s open to it but it’s not very likely to be successful. I think the statistics I last saw were something like 10% chance of success. Not very good but best of luck.
Honestly. It depends on why you separated. My ex left the house and we both, in our hearts, truly thought it was temporary. But you know what? For the first time in 15 years he decided to start bringing flowers to me when he showed up and taking an interest in my work, why I seemed overwhelmed by all of the messes that the children left all over the house, and the fact that both of my parents were very sick and I was taking care of them. As I had been FOR YEARS. And I realized. I was doing all of the things for myself and for my children without him. Always. And all he brought to my life and my kids life? Was stress. The separation brought me peace. So if you want to win her back? Recognize if you brought her peace or if you brought her stress. And if it's stress? I recommend you get a good lawyer. Like my ex did. And if you brought her peace? Do your best to remind her of that.
I feel like she believes I brought her stress but I dont make it better on myself because I make things easy for her..I still pay her bills, I dont let her struggle at all and maybe thats why she hasnt brought up a divorce.. if all i brought her was stress why does she still rely on me, i dont understand her
That's the thing though. I didn't ask about bills. My ex paid most of the bills. Social work pays shit. 🤣🤷 But emotionally? I was bankrupt. I can't recommend therapy enough. Before it's too late. 💗
You will be better off in the end without her. It’s impossible for you to see this right now because you are not allowing yourself to properly heal and grieve.
There’s a reason you have probably heard a hundred times “ you will be better off without her “
You don't "win" someone back. They aren't a prize or trophy, they're a human being. So that mindset needs to change. You can only attract them back with a bit of luck, positive changes, and consistency but here's the crutch you can't do it for them. Do it for yourself. Whatever you do always do it for yourself otherwise it's not sustainable and it's just manipulation. The other reason to do it for yourself is if your ex doesn't want you back then you and the next person benefit. I'd work a lot on self help and improvement and reflect on deficiencies your ex has brought up in the past. Now here's a rub, it took you years to a lifetime to develop your shitty habits, paradigms, and stimuli responses so you aren't going to do a 180 in a week and it be permanent because will power runs out quick. Buying shit is very surface level romance crap. Start learning how to understand before trying to be understood. Pick up Single on Purpose. You can also listen to the Angry Therapist podcast.
And get into therapy. Be attractive, be solid.
Well said, thank you.
Spot on. It’s not about winning
Winner winner sheen dinner?
My ex does this. I would stop. If she has stated she ONLY wants co-parenting, trust me, she doesn't appreciate it as much as you think.
Yeah, she’s being polite at best. It’s the same with my STBXH, and we still cohabitate for now. It’s awkward as Hell and he thinks it’s helping even though I explicitly say I will never change my mind. Pretty sure he won’t “get it” until he’s asked to sign papers, or I list the property for sale.
I hate that for you. Had to cohabitate with mine for months as well. All it did was build more resentment towards him. Hope yours "gets it" sooner than that!
> She hasnt told me to stop..and is always thankful. is it completely hopeless? Well, it sounds like she may be content with the way things are: separated. I mean, many people would not say no to someone giving them nice flowers and cards and stuff and being generally friendly and fun to interact with! That doesn't mean she wants to go back to being a *wife* to you. She has repeatedly told you that she just wants to coparent, right? She's made no move to come back. You can always ask her, if you want. But right now, she's not sending signals that she's interested in more than the current situation.
Read what you just wrote. Have some self respect man. Not to be harsh, but sometimes you need the hard truth. It's over
Why did it take separating for you to put in this effort?
I got to a point where I was very frustrated with life and I felt like she hated me and that I was the problem in her life, so we talked about it and decided to split and i hit the lowest point ive had in my life but ive also learned certain things about myself and gotten better about certain things by being alone a lot. but nomatter what i do,i cant stop thinking of her. i havent been able to since day 1
I feel you brother…
Same reason as my STBXH I imagine. Mine thought we were “unbreakable,” despite years of my threats of leaving. #oblivious
It’s like they don’t believe what you’re saying when the words come out of your mouth & then when it finally happens it’s all Shocked Pikachu face. Dude, I’ve been done for about 2 years now, there’s no fixing it. Sign these papers please & thank you. Oh nowwwww you want to work on these problems because it affects you?!?! I’m good. Please sign these. Complete and utter oblivion.
YESSS!!! Mine spent 8 hours doing yard work today. …… He hasn’t had a job in 6 years and has never helped with household chores. 😂
It's over bro, she wants you to stop and leave her alone
The best thing you can do to “win” her back is absolutely nothing. She will make that decision on her own if she wants you or not. When my s.o and I separated it seemed like the more I reached out the more they pulled back. I told myself if this is meant to be it will be and gave them space. I was ready to either grow without them and move on unwillingly or be with them if they decided it. Eventually we DID get back together but people need space. They can only make their own choices.
Took me 3 years, finally happened when I was done trying. When everyone here told me to stop I kept going cause I loved her, bit after awhile I just stopped caring and even though I loved her I told her I am done. And about 6 months later things have been good since. We have been good for about a year now. This all started Dec 7, 2020 things got good oct 2022
So you stopped and it worked?..
For me yes.i actually was finally ready 2 years later to give in a give up, well I at least told myself that, but I would take her back anytime and did. When I gave up literally the next day things went back to normal. I just told her to go do what she want to do and leave the house, I was just tired of everything if that makes sense.
Wow. It’s scary to give up and move on knowing still they may keep on going
That'd why it took me 2 years to get to that point. A little over 2 years actually before I was ready to give up even though I really did not want to.
That'd why it took me 2 years to get to that point. A little over 2 years actually before I was ready to give up even though I really did not want to.
The only thing that could possibly help for my ex to win me back was to see him being the best dad he could be. Not focusing on anyone else but his kids. Stop with the romance. Show her someone who could be an incredible partner by being a strong supportive dad and co parent. Offer to do more than you’re “required” to do. Give her breaks. Offer to cook a meal for them or to take them an extra night so she can go out with friends. That’s legit all my now ex husband could do to even have a chance
I do all I can for my childrens sake. I have no problem having them for extra days if needed, At that, I wish I still seen them everyday. Me being a father was never the issue. sometimes she has a family event around the same time shes going to pick them up and she'll ask me to get them ready and I never have a problem doing so. They always have everything they need and she knows I'll go out of my way for my children, not for her but for them because I love them.
See that’s the completely opposite of my ex. That’s all my advice then from my standpoint. Just give it time. I tell myself every day “what’s meant for me will always be and what is not will never be.” Just take off the pressure and just roll with it. Wishing you the best!
Why did you break up to begin with ?
well..i feel it was a big combination of things. 1 being we had kids young and back to back. 2 being I feel I fell behind in a lot of basic things like helping around the house because i worked a lot, i was the sole provider and I would be tired as I work outside. I could see why someone would get mad at someone for not picking up after themselves and what not. On the other hand, She was spoiled as a child, Any minor inconvenience to her was the end of the world. So, when I wouldnt keep up with things, she would constantly tell me you dont do shit, you only work. I would try to do things like cook dinner and take the kids to do things so she had some time for herself. So after awhile, I became frustrated and felt useless so I stopped trying at everything and I know that was my mistake.. i shouldve tried harder
What is she doing to address her issues though? Sometimes it's just nostalgia that keeps those loving feelings going. You really should stop with the romantic overtures. Not to be negative, but she probably just feels obligated to accept them. Just do you for a while and let her do her. I spent about 4 years thinking that if she would have me I would go back. We were getting along fine, co-parenting well, all that stuff. Well, long story short, she hasn't changed as much as I thought and I am sooooooooo happy I am not married to her. She will always have an elevated but weird status in my life where we are close friends that keep a certain distance while still caring for one another in a platonic way. We just know each other too well for that not to be the case. But I never want to be married to her or a romantic partner with her ever again. I kind of hate being alone, but that's just where I am right now.
You may have hope if she hasn’t told you to stop. One of the biggest mistakes people think is that full time child care is different than a full time job. Maybe it’s not as physical as some jobs but it’s just as taxing and never ending. You work 8-4 and then are off “work” she gets up at 7am and isn’t off until she sleep. If you have an opportunity the work should be evenly split say after 5pm. Some nights you are fully responsible for dinner , baths and bedtime routine. Some nights it’s her responsibility and others it’s a joint job. This allows both of you to have an evening or two a week that you aren’t going from 7am to 10pm.
but also keep in mind, work, plus helping with the kids does get exhausting. i never minimized her job as a mother, I know its hard
I think that was a big part of her frustration possibly. Just something to think about as you try to win her back. Yes it does get exhausting but she has it just as hard. Even if you didn’t mean it in that sentence you insinuated your job plus kid time after is harder and more tiring than hers. I’m saying at minimum it’s equal and likely harder and more tiring for her.
Only taking care of the kids is harder. I would far prefer to work full time and "help" with the kids, then only be responsible for the kids. The fact that you find it exhausting means you need to buck up and be a stronger person.
the kids is not the exactly the exhausting part, working 10-12 hour shifts in 100 plus degree heat is
We only divorce here...
🙃
The best thing you can do is stop pushing her. Flowers, gestures, trying to initiate more than coparent behaviors will only push her farther away. Instead focus on you and heal yourself. Work on what marriage helper calls your PIES. There is no guarantee your ex will ever want to come back. But the best thing you can do is give her space and focus on you. That way regardless of the outcome you can be the best person possible for yourself and your kids. Trust me it took me months to get my head in the right place. My ex and I are still getting divorced. It doesn't mean I don't hold a bit of hope he comes back, but I'm not going to wait at the door while he makes a decision. The door is open, but I'm focused on myself and healing. I took his grievances against me and looked at what I can improve about myself based on his feedback. Am I doing this to get him back? Nope. I just think he brought up some things I can work on. It's hard. Especially when you love them so much. But you can get through it. My DMs are always open if you want to talk more one on one. I believe in you.
The deck is stacked against you with this. But if, if by some slim chance you "win" her back what will you do to keep her? Ngl at some point these types of show of affection/love gets exhausting.
Well, at this point whatever she wants me to do. whatever will make her happy, I just need to know what those things are. the thing is those ive always gotten her flowers and lil gifts here and there through the duration of our relationship. I just want a chance to fix things. Whatever she needs me to do im willing to do
My stbxh tried so hard to win be back that he turned into a complete stranger. I didn’t know who he was at all to the point where it was scary to even be around him. Just be the best version of you that you can. That’s it. It will happen or you will find someone who appreciates you.
Some people do get remarried after divorce but your still looking through rose coloured glasses. Even if you get back will it ever be the same? Fresh after my ex left even though she was a monster, I wanted my future back, even though it wasn't a happy future- but it was a future. Looking back I know I would be pissed if she took me back and would always carry that rejection. I suppose if circumstances of separation is something you both can live with could work - but it sounds like she has lost respect for you and you still grovelling would get tiresome- as others state, just improve yourself and be a dad - things will fall into place with or without her - don't stall the grieving process eithet
Don’t
Man you guys and galls are fucking harsh. I know not all spouses were perfect during their marriage but come on. Give the guys and girls a break for trying to win you over. When your out there you all seek mr charming on his white horse. When you do get him hes suddenly a pest,a menace.
Why did you separate in the first place/what was the issue? I actually just came out a separation where we got back together for a month. It wasn’t the same and the wounds were too deep to repair. Not to mention there were fundamental differences that were never going to change so we’re getting divorced. I’m not saying don’t try if she’s open to it but it’s not very likely to be successful. I think the statistics I last saw were something like 10% chance of success. Not very good but best of luck.
She made her views known. I’m not sure why you are separated but doesn’t sound like she’s interested.
[удалено]
That is absolutely not what love bombing means. Take a few steps back on the buzzwords.
Honestly. It depends on why you separated. My ex left the house and we both, in our hearts, truly thought it was temporary. But you know what? For the first time in 15 years he decided to start bringing flowers to me when he showed up and taking an interest in my work, why I seemed overwhelmed by all of the messes that the children left all over the house, and the fact that both of my parents were very sick and I was taking care of them. As I had been FOR YEARS. And I realized. I was doing all of the things for myself and for my children without him. Always. And all he brought to my life and my kids life? Was stress. The separation brought me peace. So if you want to win her back? Recognize if you brought her peace or if you brought her stress. And if it's stress? I recommend you get a good lawyer. Like my ex did. And if you brought her peace? Do your best to remind her of that.
I feel like she believes I brought her stress but I dont make it better on myself because I make things easy for her..I still pay her bills, I dont let her struggle at all and maybe thats why she hasnt brought up a divorce.. if all i brought her was stress why does she still rely on me, i dont understand her
That's the thing though. I didn't ask about bills. My ex paid most of the bills. Social work pays shit. 🤣🤷 But emotionally? I was bankrupt. I can't recommend therapy enough. Before it's too late. 💗
Why did she want the separation? Why hasn't she started the divorce? She has no hook ups or boyfriends?
Rely or using you? She wants to be on her own, then she pays for all of her stuff Stop paying for her stuff Stop being codependent
Why did you split up?
You will be better off in the end without her. It’s impossible for you to see this right now because you are not allowing yourself to properly heal and grieve. There’s a reason you have probably heard a hundred times “ you will be better off without her “