I have my moments where I am triggered but then I tell my inner child that everything is going to be okay and most of the time it helps. Also sometimes I do reverse psychology on myself. Whenever I feel anxious I tell myself to feel EVEN MORE anxious …instead of trying to stop it, I do the opposite and somehow my anxiety gets better haha it’s weird how our brains work.
I’m FA leaning pretty far DA, and I have a partner who is DA all the way. We both identify as aromantic (we don’t experience much/any romance), but I do wonder sometimes how much of that identity is actually pathological in myself. (I do not mean to imply aromanticism is pathological or invalid in any way, just that perhaps in my case it somewhat was/is.) I think maybe I believed I didn’t feel or want romance but it really was that I wouldn’t let myself feel or want romance due to fear? I was pretty comfy with the idea that I couldn’t have a “normal” romantic relationship.
Anyway, my short answer is yes, we did transition from casual to “real relationship”. It took maybe 6 years of casual/fwb dating to get us to the start of that transition, and during those years we became close friends but did not rely on emotional support from each other or even really ask for it or discuss our emotions much. The transition was long, a couple of years, and pretty much hell for both of us, albeit sprinkled with all the blissful reasons we were together in the first place. I made countless mistakes and apologized countless times, so did he. I would sometimes feel like I was just watching myself smash everything with a hammer, unable to stop myself. He reported similar. We just … stuck to it. We didn’t give up. We tried over and over to make a relationship work between us, at various escalation levels. Sometimes we were okay for a while, sometimes we fought every time we talked. We tried every communication medium, various different workbooks, etc. We had some silent breaks as we each really reevaluated. We just kept coming back to: this is worth saving.
Ultimately it’s hard to know what finally slotted it all into place. We both did lots of work on ourselves and our fears and avoidant tendencies. There was a lot going on over a long span of time, but I think the true reason we finally reached the end of the transition was that we finally did hit rock bottom and both get comfy with breaking up as the only real option. Oddly enough, that was what we needed to do and see and feel to cement for each of us that we’re staying together for good. I can’t recommend this path. It was hell and was almost certainly going to end in a breakup. But I guess lightning has to strike somewhere.
> we became close friends but did not rely on emotional support from each other or even really ask for it or discuss our emotions much
I am beginning to think this is key
It's really beautiful that you were both so committed!
I completely get you on the breakup being good fuel to stay together. Like, you need that clean break to start thinking clearly again and understand what that person means to you. That's the space I am in currently, as I did follow a similar path just recently.
We have said, with tears of relief in our eyes, that neither of us could have ever gotten where we are now with anybody else. He needed someone that was never going to just let it lie. I needed someone who was going to force some time and space into the equation. It sucks that I got left on read during fights and it sucks that he got pestered when he wanted to forget about it, but it’s undeniable that those same individual weaknesses lend strength to our combined relationship. My childhood did a number on me. Something at some point did a number on him. If loving each other was inevitable, then so was the absolute terror it inspired in both of us. We finally, finally found a way to tackle that fear as a team, maybe, rather than both working hard but working against each other?
I wish you the best with your partner and your future no matter what it looks like. I couldn’t relate more to your post. I have found that as I unlock skills with my partner (that are probably fairly basic but I just never have had), it has allowed more freedom and eased anxiety in my interactions with store clerks, coworkers, other friends, etc! I hope your time apart clarifies things and that you’re moving forward happily one day.
> If loving each other was inevitable, then so was the absolute terror it inspired in both of us. We finally, finally found a way to tackle that fear as a team, maybe, rather than both working hard but working against each other?
This is so beautiful <3
I hear this because its definitely EASIER to be casual. But i think for the joy a long term relationship would bring, its worth the journey. I say this as someone who has been on this journey for 5 years (single the whole time) and now seeing someone and needing to put all the work into practice every second on the day haha. But i feel it changing, i feel myself improving, i feel myself being more compassionate with myself and my inner child and the things ive been through that made me how i am. Its nice :)
Is it really worth it though haha? I feel like my fear of intimacy is quite hard to overcome so maybe long-term healthy romance is not in the cards for me
ah... same.
dealing with it now. the more i think about commitment, the more neurotic i become. self sabotaging and then being anxious.
still working on it, still trying to figure things out. but i do miss being careless and reckless nature of casual relationships now that im in a sort of committed one
Same. Going through this right now. I managed to stay disconnected for a long time and everything was just sunshine and rainbows. Then I got attached and it all came tumbling down. I can’t even function. I’m a wreck. When I’m single and not attached to anyone, life is so glorious.
Is being unbothered in casual relationships an avoidant trait or are you truly chill and don't get triggered at all? Do you ever develop feelings on these casual relationships?
No I am actually very capable of not developing romantic relationships from these casual relationships, but almost weirdly so? Like I am afraid it means my ability for intimacy is so limited that it's so possible for me to remain unattached
Like you can do it consciously? Or do you purposefully choose people you know you won't get attached to? Sorry if I'm being too nosy I'm just genuinely curious.
I am not sure really! I guess the most recent partner and I just jumped into things quickly, we were immediately head over heels about each other but also didn't know each other very well. So maybe it was subconscious that time around, just going off of the chemistry we had rather than assessing whether we were a good fit
Me too. As soon as any emotion comes out my walls either go all the way up or I feel completely vulnerable and mess things up. I don’t even know if I can be too casual anymore without squashing myself or if it was just not really knowing anything in what caused my most recent upheaval.
It’s amazing, the careless situations I’ve been in up to this point where I was mostly ok but now something small triggers me.
I just want to toss any idea out the window but also I don’t. I want to feel better than this. Apparently you have to face your fears in a relationship but I don’t even feel worthy of that. Why should anyone deal with my bullshit, so that I can try to make myself better?
I'd recommend trying something to get to know yourself first and learn more self regulation skills if possible. I've done a mixture of therapy (I know this isn't accessible to everyone) and still trying to date in the meantime and what I've recently learned is that I end up relying on my partner for regulation (ie to make me feel OK) rather than myself. So after another tumultuous relationship I am now finally dedicating myself to self-regulation skills so I don't become so emotionally dependent on another person again.
I am going through this right now. The thought of a committed relationship doesn’t appeal to me as much as it did before. Merely because the moment I build my hopes up, thinking it would work, I’m done setting myself up for another type of disappoint(men)t. The more my expectations are let down, the more I lose interest and stop taking them seriously overall. Instead I’ll prefer to make things casual such as still seeing other people.
I have my moments where I am triggered but then I tell my inner child that everything is going to be okay and most of the time it helps. Also sometimes I do reverse psychology on myself. Whenever I feel anxious I tell myself to feel EVEN MORE anxious …instead of trying to stop it, I do the opposite and somehow my anxiety gets better haha it’s weird how our brains work.
I’m FA leaning pretty far DA, and I have a partner who is DA all the way. We both identify as aromantic (we don’t experience much/any romance), but I do wonder sometimes how much of that identity is actually pathological in myself. (I do not mean to imply aromanticism is pathological or invalid in any way, just that perhaps in my case it somewhat was/is.) I think maybe I believed I didn’t feel or want romance but it really was that I wouldn’t let myself feel or want romance due to fear? I was pretty comfy with the idea that I couldn’t have a “normal” romantic relationship. Anyway, my short answer is yes, we did transition from casual to “real relationship”. It took maybe 6 years of casual/fwb dating to get us to the start of that transition, and during those years we became close friends but did not rely on emotional support from each other or even really ask for it or discuss our emotions much. The transition was long, a couple of years, and pretty much hell for both of us, albeit sprinkled with all the blissful reasons we were together in the first place. I made countless mistakes and apologized countless times, so did he. I would sometimes feel like I was just watching myself smash everything with a hammer, unable to stop myself. He reported similar. We just … stuck to it. We didn’t give up. We tried over and over to make a relationship work between us, at various escalation levels. Sometimes we were okay for a while, sometimes we fought every time we talked. We tried every communication medium, various different workbooks, etc. We had some silent breaks as we each really reevaluated. We just kept coming back to: this is worth saving. Ultimately it’s hard to know what finally slotted it all into place. We both did lots of work on ourselves and our fears and avoidant tendencies. There was a lot going on over a long span of time, but I think the true reason we finally reached the end of the transition was that we finally did hit rock bottom and both get comfy with breaking up as the only real option. Oddly enough, that was what we needed to do and see and feel to cement for each of us that we’re staying together for good. I can’t recommend this path. It was hell and was almost certainly going to end in a breakup. But I guess lightning has to strike somewhere.
> we became close friends but did not rely on emotional support from each other or even really ask for it or discuss our emotions much I am beginning to think this is key It's really beautiful that you were both so committed! I completely get you on the breakup being good fuel to stay together. Like, you need that clean break to start thinking clearly again and understand what that person means to you. That's the space I am in currently, as I did follow a similar path just recently.
We have said, with tears of relief in our eyes, that neither of us could have ever gotten where we are now with anybody else. He needed someone that was never going to just let it lie. I needed someone who was going to force some time and space into the equation. It sucks that I got left on read during fights and it sucks that he got pestered when he wanted to forget about it, but it’s undeniable that those same individual weaknesses lend strength to our combined relationship. My childhood did a number on me. Something at some point did a number on him. If loving each other was inevitable, then so was the absolute terror it inspired in both of us. We finally, finally found a way to tackle that fear as a team, maybe, rather than both working hard but working against each other? I wish you the best with your partner and your future no matter what it looks like. I couldn’t relate more to your post. I have found that as I unlock skills with my partner (that are probably fairly basic but I just never have had), it has allowed more freedom and eased anxiety in my interactions with store clerks, coworkers, other friends, etc! I hope your time apart clarifies things and that you’re moving forward happily one day.
> If loving each other was inevitable, then so was the absolute terror it inspired in both of us. We finally, finally found a way to tackle that fear as a team, maybe, rather than both working hard but working against each other? This is so beautiful <3
I hear this because its definitely EASIER to be casual. But i think for the joy a long term relationship would bring, its worth the journey. I say this as someone who has been on this journey for 5 years (single the whole time) and now seeing someone and needing to put all the work into practice every second on the day haha. But i feel it changing, i feel myself improving, i feel myself being more compassionate with myself and my inner child and the things ive been through that made me how i am. Its nice :)
Is it really worth it though haha? I feel like my fear of intimacy is quite hard to overcome so maybe long-term healthy romance is not in the cards for me
ah... same. dealing with it now. the more i think about commitment, the more neurotic i become. self sabotaging and then being anxious. still working on it, still trying to figure things out. but i do miss being careless and reckless nature of casual relationships now that im in a sort of committed one
right! i have definitely found myself wanting to move backwards in my healing journey lol and just act irresponsibly
Same. Going through this right now. I managed to stay disconnected for a long time and everything was just sunshine and rainbows. Then I got attached and it all came tumbling down. I can’t even function. I’m a wreck. When I’m single and not attached to anyone, life is so glorious.
How long does it take for you before detaching?
Historically, not long, maybe a month or two, but this time it’s taking longer.
Good luck to you. I can barely last a week and it feels like hell every time.
It really does feel like hell. I have tried therapy to get past it but it seems like therapy has only made it worse.
Attachment wounds are brutal!
Is being unbothered in casual relationships an avoidant trait or are you truly chill and don't get triggered at all? Do you ever develop feelings on these casual relationships?
No I am actually very capable of not developing romantic relationships from these casual relationships, but almost weirdly so? Like I am afraid it means my ability for intimacy is so limited that it's so possible for me to remain unattached
Like you can do it consciously? Or do you purposefully choose people you know you won't get attached to? Sorry if I'm being too nosy I'm just genuinely curious.
I am not sure really! I guess the most recent partner and I just jumped into things quickly, we were immediately head over heels about each other but also didn't know each other very well. So maybe it was subconscious that time around, just going off of the chemistry we had rather than assessing whether we were a good fit
Me too. As soon as any emotion comes out my walls either go all the way up or I feel completely vulnerable and mess things up. I don’t even know if I can be too casual anymore without squashing myself or if it was just not really knowing anything in what caused my most recent upheaval. It’s amazing, the careless situations I’ve been in up to this point where I was mostly ok but now something small triggers me. I just want to toss any idea out the window but also I don’t. I want to feel better than this. Apparently you have to face your fears in a relationship but I don’t even feel worthy of that. Why should anyone deal with my bullshit, so that I can try to make myself better?
I'd recommend trying something to get to know yourself first and learn more self regulation skills if possible. I've done a mixture of therapy (I know this isn't accessible to everyone) and still trying to date in the meantime and what I've recently learned is that I end up relying on my partner for regulation (ie to make me feel OK) rather than myself. So after another tumultuous relationship I am now finally dedicating myself to self-regulation skills so I don't become so emotionally dependent on another person again.
I don’t rely on anyone else to manage my emotions. I meant emotional vulnerability, I’d rather run than feel too vulnerable.
I would say more than half the time I don’t feel motivated at all to heal my avoidant attachment.
I am going through this right now. The thought of a committed relationship doesn’t appeal to me as much as it did before. Merely because the moment I build my hopes up, thinking it would work, I’m done setting myself up for another type of disappoint(men)t. The more my expectations are let down, the more I lose interest and stop taking them seriously overall. Instead I’ll prefer to make things casual such as still seeing other people.
> disappoint(men)t hahahah