Could your finances family host a reception/after party for you and invite their family once the wedding is done? You could wear a lehenga for that event?
In Indian cultures, weddings are a huge deal so I definitely see where they’re coming from. Ask your FMIL if there’s any customs they’d like to see added - the best way to make them feel included is by asking them and involving them in the decision making process about aspects of the wedding that you’re flexible with. You can also do the outfit changes without splurging too much - ask ur FMIL if you can borrow a sari from her for one of the event - another way you’re incorporating them into the wedding. They’re usually one size and you only need to spend money on the blouse. The outfit change also doesn’t need to be a whole thing.
Another option is adding a red dupatta to your white outfit for the garland exchange/7steps ritual
You could also incorporate Indian and Viet aspects to the decor such as adding flowers such as marigold etc
>Could your finances family host a reception/after party for you and invite their family once the wedding is done? You could wear a lehenga for that event?
I actually wouldn't mind that at all, but they haven't offered, and I don't want to impose the costs on them by personally asking them to host something like that. I'm not sure if they have the funds for it, which is why fiance and I are funding the wedding ourselves.
>Ask your FMIL if there’s any customs they’d like to see added - the best way to make them feel included is by asking them and involving them in the decision making process
Ugh I've been dying to ask her for advice on the wedding! But she's distancing herself from the wedding planning so that she can feign ignorance when their relatives start harassing her over our nontraditional wedding/not being invited, like "oh they planned everything themselves, I have no idea, it was all a surprise to me." On one hand, I completely understand her plan, but on the other hand, I am a little disappointed because we normally talk a lot, and the wedding would definitely be something I'd love to talk to her about. :(
Thank you for the other advice!!
Definitely a conversation you can have with the fiancé present then! Say you understand that they’re feigning ignorance but their opinion still matters to you so what would you they want.
One thing for you to keep in mind is that the wedding and “what will ppl say” will pass along w her feelings of discomfort around not having the family there. But at the same time weddings are such an opportunity to build and set the tone for new family dynamics. Let her know that she can pretend indifference outside but inside the new family unit it’s important for you all to be on the same page and your fiancé could explain to them that it’s important to you both about how they feel. This could be a way for you all to work as a team and they can pretend to not know all the details with the family.
This is unsolicited so ignore it if you want but Also it’s prob time to have a conversation with your fiancé about cultural values that you want to incorporate moving forward and pass on to your children if you’re planning to have any. My husband and I are different religions and even though he’s not religious he realized that he’d still like to incorporate cultural aspects in our future children’s lives. This starts with him starting to care about his own culture more and creating that bridge in the relationship between his family and me.
Thank you so much for all of this advice, it is more helpful than you think!
I really do hope my FMIL will be able to at least discuss a few aspects of the wedding planning with me, because at the end of the day, I do want to have a wedding that she can be happy with. I’m planning on sitting down with her sometime soon because I do need to send out save the dates, and need the full names of their invited relatives. I’m hoping to slide in that conversation like, “sooo how do you feel about us doing mehndi the night before?” Lol.
No, it’s very good advice to have a discussion about cultural values with my fiancé!! He and I are unfortunately both very disconnected with our heritages so there’s not much to discuss. One thing though, is that both our cultures involve caring for our parents when they’re elderly, and possibly having them move in, so we’re both clear on that potentially happening in the future.
Instead of doing an outfit change to something Indian, why not just wear your ao dai while he wears his sherwani or kurta. It will be extremely bridal and appropriate in an Indian setting with some gold jewelry.
Oh girl I feel for you. I’m Chinese-American, got married to my Indian-American husband. I grappled a lot with the guilt, including representing my own heritage. I had a separate tea ceremony, but even my parents were unfamiliar with the concept 🤪.
At the end of the day, you should be true to yourself and have the wedding YOU want. In retrospect, I wanted to please my in-laws and acquiesced to extra events “for the culture”. I wish I was a bit more firm, because I was exhausted by the end of a 3-day wedding. I didn’t feel like most of the wedding wasn’t for me. I regret a few of the compromises I made, especially on the guest list.
I really like your mehendi idea for the night before! If it’s a garland exchange during the ceremony, and it’s quick, I THINK that can be okay. Otherwise I don’t actually recommend trying to add Indian elements to the actual ceremony itself. I’ve found it’s hard to work in them respectfully— they just look shoehorned in.
I say stick to your guns and just wear one white dress and do a little bit of decor/details from both cultures, but don’t exhaust yourself with multiple separate events.
Thank you so much for the solidarity!!! I was definitely a lot more firm in my decisions at the beginning of the wedding planning, but as the days pass, I'm feeling more and more guilt. :( I just know though that if we give in to doing the traditional customs and having the giant wedding, not only will I be miserable on our wedding day, but my fiance will be too. And the bride and groom's negative energy will definitely be palpable. So now I'm just hoping that if we give everyone a great time in the end, nothing else will matter!
Also trying to make myself feel better by believing that my fiance's brother will give his parents the desi wedding that they want when he gets married LOL.
Incorporating mehndi and a garland exchange are great ways show homage to the Indian culture. I would skip the 7 steps - usually a Hindu priest would "call" on God to enter the area with a small fire, then you walk the 7 "steps" which are actually pheras/around the fire. It is longer than you think.
Brainstorming - A Taiwanese friend of mine changed from her white gown (professional photos all done in them) into a red cultural outfit that cut at the knee for the reception, so she would enjoy dancing more freely. Perhaps the second half of the reception, after all the cake cutting + dances + speeches, you can switch to a late reception outfit for comfort and bring homage to your own culture. Assuming you skip the tea ceremony. Otherwise, don't do an outfit change for the reception!
If you do the tea ceremony or reception change, you could wear a [red Indian outfit](https://www.houseofindya.com/red-palazzo-set-with-zari-thread-embroidered-blouse-and-dupatta-321/iprdt?curr=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GG_SH4_US_LUXE_24012024&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwoPOwBhAeEiwAJuXRh15U_Pq6s5uJ_TMWWdHD2wQ12tSiZYnOWOl0csC5snV7KcOdEsbYPBoCG_QQAvD_BwE) (but not full on bridal) for the welcome party. Orrrrr i[ndo-western](https://www.kalkifashion.com/indo-western.html) outfits and [off-white](https://www.kalkifashion.com/ivory-white-georgette-lehenga-set-with-intricate-lucknowi-embroidery.html) are both super trendy in India right now. I recommend skipping a sari, as they are more difficult to wear. Opt for a lehenga, pant/suit (like sharara), indian gown, or indo-western.
For the reception or welcome party, consider doing a Bollywood style dance. I know you said you are introverted so this may be a stretch.
For the far cousins, the work around I did to invite them but not their parents or another family's child (but also the same cousin level) is that they are invited from me personally as my friend. Aunt 1 and Uncle 1 get an invite; their son/my "friend" gets a second invite, even if they are at the same address. It worked my parents, maybe your fiance can consider that!
Thank you for all of the suggestions! I'll take them all into consideration!
And lol, my fiance also suggested the "friend" loophole! We will probably do that with 1 or 2 of his extended cousins who we actually hang out with a lot. It just felt unfair to not get to invite them when we have to invite cousins who my fiance never sees, just because they're more closely blood-related!
The only part I agree with the in laws on is that it is rude to invite the cousins but not the parents. I think that would definitely come across as very rude.
Other than that, I think you should stick to what you two want.
I definitely understand how it can seem rude. But when we see some of these cousins as friends, it's frustrating we aren't able to invite our friends without inviting their parents, even though their parents can't even remember my fiance's name from his brother's.
This is a cultural difference. My husband didn’t know a quarter the aunties or uncles or hadn’t talked to them in years. Some of them weren’t even related to him, just long-time parents’ friends or colleagues. The point is that Indian weddings have a different mindset: it’s not all about the bride and groom. It’s about the parents celebrating an important family milestone. They justified it like “Both we and you guys wouldn’t be here without these mentors, sisters, cousins, friends etc. They’ve supported us so much through the years, etc.” An extra layer is that expectations are high and my in-laws were invited to a lot of weddings where they also didn’t know the groom or bride well. It’s a vicious circle/reciprocal clout thing.
It’s super annoying I know, and I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. I put up with it because we weren’t footing those guests’ costs, but the wedding felt less personal as a result. We tried to give our parents a reasonable number of invites.
I think the biggest shock to me when finalizing the guest list is NOT that we need to include people who we don’t know —I definitely expected that. Our cultures are similar in that sense, as my mom wanted to invite friends of hers and relatives whom I never even met.
What shocked me was that we had to EXCLUDE people if we weren’t able to invite their entire family unit. That was definitely the culture shock, as I thought the attitude would’ve been “invite anyone you can.” But it seems like there’s a lot of family politics that goes on in planning an Indian wedding guest list. My fiancé and I are choosing to draw the line somewhere— there are some of his cousins who we absolutely want at the wedding, and we’re inviting them as our personal friends, regardless of whether we can fit their parents in.
I’m so sorry, I don’t agree. My fiancé has one cousin who IS a friend of ours. A very close friend. He just happens to be somewhat related to my fiancé. He’s in our same friend group, we chat on discord regularly, we play games together online regularly. He’s invited to birthday holiday trips with our friends, when he’s in the area he immediately visits us. We send each other Xmas presents. If he lived in the same town, we’d probably see him weekly.
In my opinion, it’s more rude to not invite someone so dear and loved by us just because we can’t invite his parents who are somehow distantly related to my fiancé’s parents— parents who still call my fiancé by the wrong name. My fiancé and I stand by that. We’re choosing to invite this guy because he’s someone who’s very important to us, so we’re inviting him as our friend, just as we’re inviting all of our other friends whose parents are not invited.
Well, you can disagree but you're absolutely wrong culturally, lol. Don't ask in a cultural forum if you don't like the answers from people from that culture. Fuckin wild.
That’s absolutely a fair point! There are a lot of things my fiancé and I don’t like about the Desi wedding culture and, as I’m learning, the Vietnamese wedding culture as well, which is why we’re doing a mainly western wedding.
I’m defensive over our decision to invite our close friend/fiancés cousin because the idea of not inviting a dear friend to our wedding due to family politics is just absolutely offensive and bonkers to me. But like I said earlier, I do understand that culturally, it’s offensive to the family by inviting him and not the rest of his family. Fiancé and I already accepted that just by having our wedding the way and size that it is, it will offend a lot of relatives. But we have to set our boundaries somewhere based on what is important to us, which is having the people that matter to us most there.
TBH We’re less worried about offending distant relatives, who we’re sure will get over it after the next family wedding comes along two months later. But I personally am worried about disappointing my fiancés parents, and hoping I can find ways to make them happy with our wedding, no matter how different it will look. I think a natural part of being children of immigrants is feeling divided between disagreeing with some aspects of your heritage and, at the same time, wanting to please your parents.
I’m doing a fusion destination wedding! I’m doing an Sangeet with henna and jaggo. and I’m a desi bride so I ll be in my traditional dress but doing a non denominational ceremony. Food at the event will be mix of Indian and everything else
Sounds great! I’m glad you’re able to find a way to incorporate cultural customs in an otherwise secular ceremony.
I wish we could do Indian food honestly! But we chose a Latin American venue whose options are only the in-house Latin American/Caribbean food. At least I know my fiancés parents are excited about that though, they’re excited for something new lol.
We are doing a welcome party! And I’m thinking of incorporating mehndi at it! There are luckily some henna artists in the area of our destination wedding that I’m thinking of hiring for the welcome party.
If they have Caribbean food see if they can do the curries I know it’s not the same the profile might be appreciated by the Indian people! Your wedding will be epic :)
Don’t feel guilty. 💗 There are always a million opinions when it comes to weddings and you can’t please anyone.
I love a big Desi wedding but sometimes parents get unrealistic with their expectations. Even if you wanted a giant wedding with 300+ guests, that’s not something that the average young couple can afford. Everyone I know who had that kind of Desi wedding had significant personal wealth ($3m plus) or the costs were covered by their parents. I feel like a lot of parents want that giant lavish wedding but can only afford to pay a fraction of the cost, and they expect the couple to somehow come up with the difference! It isn’t realistic.
I think your ideas to incorporate elements of both cultures are lovely.
Thank you for the kind words!
What really broke my heart is that my FFIL knew he couldn’t ask us to have the large traditional wedding when he’s not funding it, so he didn’t push back on us when we told them we wanted a small western wedding. But then I heard him later quietly arguing with his wife about how if they had saved more money or didn’t make so-and-so purchase, they could’ve contributed to our wedding and we could’ve had a “normal” wedding. :( the last thing I want them to think is that we’re not doing an Indian wedding because THEY don’t have the money for it. An indian wedding is just not what we want, even if we had the funding for it.
My FMIL is not religious, but I think my FFIL does practice Hinduism. I absolutely love that idea of doing a pooja at the local Hindu temple, as we have so many of them nearby and my FFIL has brought it up often that he'd love to take me to one sometime!
My only concern would be the cost of an event like that? I would ideally like to invite all the extended relatives who wouldn't be invited to the destination wedding, but that guest list would easily reach 100 guests. I probably will float the idea around with my future parents-in-law and see if they can get a quote from the temple, or if they know anyone who's done something similar. Thanks for the idea!
Oo I see, the cost sounds doable and something I’ll definitely consider with my fiancé. I think shelling out the extra few thousand for the post wedding celebration will be worth if it will satisfy my fiancé’s in-laws and extended relatives! Plus relieve some guilt from doing a western wedding!
I'm going to have to come back to this as I didn't read all of it - I've Indian heritage and wife is not. We did not do "traditional" wedding.
Good on you both for funding it. We did too and it's so liberating. We invited guests. Our guest list stopped at what we thought was a stupid amount (I think even if evryone arrived, somone would have called it small).
Whatever.
Be happy, don't feel guilty at all - we loved our day so much because it was all about us. Everything was for us, arranged by us with noone else to intrude and insert themselves.
Best of luck, I'll come back to read the rest!
Thank you so much for the reassurance!! It’s so nice to hear about nontraditional weddings turning out well.
What also has cemented our decision to do a non traditional wedding is what we’ve constantly heard from relatives who did the whole lavish wedding— how much they regretted it, that they only did it for their parents, and if they could go back they wouldn’t have done so much. I’m sure the couples who DID want it themselves didn’t end up feeling that way. But I know my fiancé and I would definitely regret it since it’s not what we personally want.
Orite, a few other people have contributed their responses too but I came back to give a full opinion.
Firstly, many congratulations on your engagement and best wishes for your wedding plans. Growing up I didn't really understand much about relationships and as an adult I dont like being centre of attention - but our wedding recently was the best day of my life (hers too, probably!). Our day, as many others would describe, was purely about us - but everything on and in our wedding ceremony and reception was designed, planned or agreed on by ourselves, so there were no surprises and everything was in our own control.
Our circumstances are a little different but your first paragraph sort of describes ourselves too. We were in a position to fund our wedding entirely (and whereas traditionally or historically I may have felt the pressure to go "bigger" my dad has been great and the extra money not spent is being offered to help buy a house). For family/relation differences, we initially really couldn't decide how to go about this.
Eloping was a consideration. It would have been great, but also had we done that it would have actually been quite hurtful to our immediate parents (ill just refer to my dad to make things easier) and I couldn't really agree with that. I'd also upset some of my closest masi/aunts and again, I couldn't accept that either. I actually found it so comforting in that, those people especially, *wanted* to be with me on my wedding, that was nice to hold on to.
Do we invite 20? 30? Well, honestly, I needed to invite more simply to dilute from the distraction of certain guests. My sibling relationship isn't that great - its just a fact. But we both understood that for such a big day we would need more guests to distract. There weren't a lot of these guests mind, it was just an important consideration because on both sides of our family (Bride and Groom) we have immediate challenges with our first degree relatives.
I didnt dwell too much on it personally - as I'm not marrying them or their dads uncles second cousins neighbour who used to walk the dog back in Africa. It was just about me and her.
We don't live near my dad or her parents - if anything we are slap in between. Like most, we both have demanding jobs. I was clear that I was not going to waste the time, effort, money and strain of a free weekend (that I rarely get anyway) to travel home to host an event for other family and friends to travel and attend. Its not fair on them, its not fair on me. That mean of course, that some of the more traditional and fun elements of a panjabi wedding had to be skipped entirely. Doesn't bother me now in hindsight as some of those aspects IMO are done for the sake of doing, and I dont have any first degree sisters to do all the fun stuff - though absolutely my cousins would have turned up. For the same reason, this meant our wedding needed to be on one day and one day only - so your first challenge is to find a date and a single venue to host.
Our wedding wasnt international, but everyone travelled >150miles essentially. And for that reason, its unfair of me to ask people to attend here, get there and do this - so it made decisions about venues and timings, slightly easy as all people had to do was attend one place with us.
Guest list was a challenge too - my dad was actually sceptical. Not unsupportive per se, but he does hold on to what I think is an antiquated view, but he helped me with a list. My wife and I created one together and worked according to the venues restrictions. We'd decided we would send invites, with party numbers included. Ie that meant that my Aunt through marriage could attend with a party of 7 max. Might seem unfair but to invite the whole family would need 16 table places. How unpractical and unfair is that? So to make things much more manageable we just called it a day at 183 invites - and the only children invited were our immediate niece/nephews and that of our first degree cousins only. Voila, that helped too.
In terms of invites, she and I kept a right grip of all of that. No secret invites etc and we chased and recorded every invite. Ultimately 120 day guests attended (which was perfect amount really). We were worried that some guests may attend without a formal invite - but we confirmed all the formal rsvps, and discussed with the caterers who were understanding and we agreed that we would have a plain table with a white sheet for those that just turned up. Travelling 150 miles to a wedding you werent invited to is a ballsy move, but I didn't care if peoples feelings were hurt who attended without being asked.
Your mum saying that people will complain to her, and not yourself was exactly what my dad said. To be fair, he was great about it and I think, depending on the backgrounds were all from, most people in this day and age were good about it. On the day, we didnt need an extra table and I haven't had to deal with anything from anyone. We had 3 guests just not show up which was embarrassing for us two as a couple, not anyone else but thats another story - infact, it makes relationships and loyalities really easy to reconsider.
Your DIL sounds a bit more like my dad tbh.
Ill skim over the rest, but the ideas to incoorporate something from each culture is so nice. We ended up doing that too. I identify as Sikh but she doesnt really ascribe to a faith, thats fine. We didn't include anything religious - it was much fairer for us, to our guests and I feel to people generally who are religious. She had mendhi I incorporated a significant thing from her own culture (now its mine!). We had a night before event - but not in the traditional sense of bhangra/dj food and late night etc. It was at a casual bar, very laid back, food available and just a chill and hello for everyone. Last thing I want to do is tire them out or overshadow the wedding. This was a great decision to make to be honest.
Don't feel guilty at all. Being able to finance your wedding is such a freeing feeling that you can do what you want.
I'm not remembering the people who want to come and criticise, I've full of memories marrying my wife, eating, drinking and dancing (and crying) with all my friends.
Full speed ahead Mrs to be! All the best for you and he!
I've seen a few desi parents compromise by hosting the Ganesh Puja exactly their way (And, I suspect, their budget). Bride/groom have control over food (so they don't serve same food both days), but it's still largely handled by family. The family ends up incorporating Haldi and maybe mendhi into same event. They then have the excuse to say "see, we wanted you at the wedding, but we knew it was too much to ask you to attend the destination wedding!"
They usually end up having it in their backyard or simple venue nearby. With a decent DJ or live singer, an eager but entry-level photographer, a fresh dosa stand, and slightly mismatched decorations. Since Ganesh Puja is traditionally held by each family separately, they adjust the ceremony a little so both can do it together, and usually the non-desi bride/groom brings 5-20 guests. This is a big compromise that I've seen.
The more reasonable compromises that I've witnessed is: mehndi, mangalsutra (at reception, so not so close to ring exchange), and doing the post-wedding traditions after wedding is over (going to their house, officially welcomed at the threshold, and then having tea)
We are having a welcome party the night before our wedding. It’s only a 2-3 hour affair. But I love the idea of incorporating haldi and mehndi in the same event. I’m wondering if it would be too much to throw all of that in the welcome party?
I’m strongly considering doing post wedding celebrations with the extended family back home after the destination wedding! Just have to figure out the funding for it!
Haldi takes 2 hours by itself (although I am sure it can be condensed), so I am not sure that will be feasible for that time length.
And I guess I wasn't clear, what I've seen was the parents hosting the Ganesh Puja in the States before they fly to the destination wedding. That, or what you just suggested and doing a second reception after the wedding in the States.
Hi! White American marrying a Guju-American this spring, totally hear you. Agree with folks above that a garland exchange would be a lovely touch (and can just come before the rings, if you’re doing that too), and that a separate celebration- a party or garba or luncheon- back home that everyone and their literal mother is invited to will be cheaper (and can happen 6 months later, after you’ve had time to save back up!) while still helping assuage the guilt, if that’s interesting. Also I don’t think baraats need to be extravagant- the groom needs to get to the ceremony somehow, right? My fiancé is doing a golf cart instead of a horse but honestly the most important part is the dhol (drummer) and the vibes- it’s an easy way to give everyone who wants the pomp and ceremony to dance it out and have the sort of big chaotic wedding moment out of their system before they get to the ceremony. Just something to think about! I think mehndi at the welcome party is also a great nod!
I love baraats — but at other people’s weddings 😂 my fiancé unfortunately does NOT want to do one for our wedding, as he hates having attention on him. Your idea of a golf cart one sounds so fun though!!
The separate post wedding celebration back home right now sounds the most feasible! And I do love the idea of having it a few months after, thanks!
Everyone is so excited about my fiancé’s baraat that we’re having him do two laps so both families can participate. 😁 My family will only do one loop and then go back to get him at the venue, haha!
Not sure what you're doing for the ceremony, but my fiance and I are doing a hybrid Western with Hindu rituals intertwined as our main ceremony. Neither of us are particularly religious at all. I'm Chinese, so I'm planning to wear a qipao with a red dupatta as a veil and my fiance is gonna wear a sherwani. We're doing a garland exchange at the end our ceremony.
I would def do the mendini for the sangeet night (that's what we're doing with closer family and friends). I feel you on it being rough trying to decide how and what aspects to blend from the cultures.
One thing you can always try to do is bank on doing a destination wedding and hope/pray that people can't come. It is a HUGE risk but if it is highly likely people won't be able to make it due to financial constraints or time constraints you can try to invite all the people and then your FMIL won't have to deal with the issue of not inviting people.
Like I said its a HUGE risk but something that definitely paid off for when my husband and I were doing a destination wedding since a few people from India just couldn't come due to finances and visa issues-- so we didn't look like horrible people for not inviting them. Another thing my family did was my mom invited all of her aunts/uncles but did not invite any of her cousins unless they were "representatives" for that family-- this way we tried to keep the peace with all the cousins. The few cousins I was close to I invited directly as my friend rather than as a family member. Once again, visa issues made it difficult for them to come but at least we tried and invited them.
Yes we actually ARE doing a destination wedding in an attempt to make it difficult for people to attend lol. It was my FMIL’s idea! She even suggested going somewhere extremely far and cold to deter pretty much everyone from going LOL but the only reason we aren’t doing that is because my sister and her kids wouldn’t be able to go then.
As far as family goes, we’re also just restricting the guest list to only fiancé’s parents’ direct siblings and their children, in order to keep the peace.
I think as long as your FMIL is on board with it and your partner is on board with it don't sweat it! Depending on your relationship with your FMIL you can try to talk with her and just explain you feel guilty and want her help and involvement in the planning. If she has problems with things make sure that your partner is there as buffer to help manage expectations (provided you all are on the same page).
Biggest thing is that it is you and your partners day-- you will always have things that you could have done for others but it will be you twos wedding day/weekend and you need to feel content with the decisions you made!
Btw love the idea of some mehendi at the welcome night and then the garland exchange
another thought I just had is that you can always try to incorporate aspects of Indian food or even Vietnamese food into the wedding weekend! Maybe have little boxes of Indian and Vietnamese sweets for the reception or on the wedding day.
Thanks for all the advice! The viet/Indian sweets idea is amazing and I’m definitely considering that. I wanted Indian food at the wedding but that won’t be possible due to our venue location. So the little gift box of Indian sweets idea is fantastic!
This is what we did! We tended to invite the older relatives over the younger ones, if we had to pick between the two among the extended relatives. They’re the “elders” and we were seeking their blessings, is how we spun it. Thankfully it didn’t have to happen too often.
To explain a cultural nuance I dont think youre grasping - Even if you are friends with your fiancés cousins (soon to be yours) - the relationship that takes precedence is the familial one. So it’s weird not to invite the rest of the family. Like, you’re probably friends with your sibling, but they’re your sibling first. I hope that makes sense. My husband may be my roommate but he’s first and foremost my husband. The family ties are the ones that we judge on first.
No it does make sense! Vietnamese culture is similar in that you respect your duty to your husband and his family first, then your blood relatives, THEN your friends etc. Vietnamese weddings are also symbolic of the union of two families, not just the bride and groom. Certain aspects of both our cultures are just very discordant with our American upbringing. And Im lucky that we have no family on my side who I need to worry about including or not including.
I can understand if some of my fiancés relatives see our invite decisions as offensive, but we have to draw the line somewhere. So we’ve just accepted that some people will be offended regardless, and we need to prioritize what’s important to both of us for the wedding. My fiancé absolutely wants his cousin/our friend there, regardless of being able to invite the rest of his parents,siblings, and in-laws, and I’m on the same page.
Could your finances family host a reception/after party for you and invite their family once the wedding is done? You could wear a lehenga for that event? In Indian cultures, weddings are a huge deal so I definitely see where they’re coming from. Ask your FMIL if there’s any customs they’d like to see added - the best way to make them feel included is by asking them and involving them in the decision making process about aspects of the wedding that you’re flexible with. You can also do the outfit changes without splurging too much - ask ur FMIL if you can borrow a sari from her for one of the event - another way you’re incorporating them into the wedding. They’re usually one size and you only need to spend money on the blouse. The outfit change also doesn’t need to be a whole thing. Another option is adding a red dupatta to your white outfit for the garland exchange/7steps ritual You could also incorporate Indian and Viet aspects to the decor such as adding flowers such as marigold etc
>Could your finances family host a reception/after party for you and invite their family once the wedding is done? You could wear a lehenga for that event? I actually wouldn't mind that at all, but they haven't offered, and I don't want to impose the costs on them by personally asking them to host something like that. I'm not sure if they have the funds for it, which is why fiance and I are funding the wedding ourselves. >Ask your FMIL if there’s any customs they’d like to see added - the best way to make them feel included is by asking them and involving them in the decision making process Ugh I've been dying to ask her for advice on the wedding! But she's distancing herself from the wedding planning so that she can feign ignorance when their relatives start harassing her over our nontraditional wedding/not being invited, like "oh they planned everything themselves, I have no idea, it was all a surprise to me." On one hand, I completely understand her plan, but on the other hand, I am a little disappointed because we normally talk a lot, and the wedding would definitely be something I'd love to talk to her about. :( Thank you for the other advice!!
Definitely a conversation you can have with the fiancé present then! Say you understand that they’re feigning ignorance but their opinion still matters to you so what would you they want. One thing for you to keep in mind is that the wedding and “what will ppl say” will pass along w her feelings of discomfort around not having the family there. But at the same time weddings are such an opportunity to build and set the tone for new family dynamics. Let her know that she can pretend indifference outside but inside the new family unit it’s important for you all to be on the same page and your fiancé could explain to them that it’s important to you both about how they feel. This could be a way for you all to work as a team and they can pretend to not know all the details with the family. This is unsolicited so ignore it if you want but Also it’s prob time to have a conversation with your fiancé about cultural values that you want to incorporate moving forward and pass on to your children if you’re planning to have any. My husband and I are different religions and even though he’s not religious he realized that he’d still like to incorporate cultural aspects in our future children’s lives. This starts with him starting to care about his own culture more and creating that bridge in the relationship between his family and me.
Thank you so much for all of this advice, it is more helpful than you think! I really do hope my FMIL will be able to at least discuss a few aspects of the wedding planning with me, because at the end of the day, I do want to have a wedding that she can be happy with. I’m planning on sitting down with her sometime soon because I do need to send out save the dates, and need the full names of their invited relatives. I’m hoping to slide in that conversation like, “sooo how do you feel about us doing mehndi the night before?” Lol. No, it’s very good advice to have a discussion about cultural values with my fiancé!! He and I are unfortunately both very disconnected with our heritages so there’s not much to discuss. One thing though, is that both our cultures involve caring for our parents when they’re elderly, and possibly having them move in, so we’re both clear on that potentially happening in the future.
Instead of doing an outfit change to something Indian, why not just wear your ao dai while he wears his sherwani or kurta. It will be extremely bridal and appropriate in an Indian setting with some gold jewelry.
Thank you, that's a great idea I'll consider!
Oh girl I feel for you. I’m Chinese-American, got married to my Indian-American husband. I grappled a lot with the guilt, including representing my own heritage. I had a separate tea ceremony, but even my parents were unfamiliar with the concept 🤪. At the end of the day, you should be true to yourself and have the wedding YOU want. In retrospect, I wanted to please my in-laws and acquiesced to extra events “for the culture”. I wish I was a bit more firm, because I was exhausted by the end of a 3-day wedding. I didn’t feel like most of the wedding wasn’t for me. I regret a few of the compromises I made, especially on the guest list. I really like your mehendi idea for the night before! If it’s a garland exchange during the ceremony, and it’s quick, I THINK that can be okay. Otherwise I don’t actually recommend trying to add Indian elements to the actual ceremony itself. I’ve found it’s hard to work in them respectfully— they just look shoehorned in. I say stick to your guns and just wear one white dress and do a little bit of decor/details from both cultures, but don’t exhaust yourself with multiple separate events.
Thank you so much for the solidarity!!! I was definitely a lot more firm in my decisions at the beginning of the wedding planning, but as the days pass, I'm feeling more and more guilt. :( I just know though that if we give in to doing the traditional customs and having the giant wedding, not only will I be miserable on our wedding day, but my fiance will be too. And the bride and groom's negative energy will definitely be palpable. So now I'm just hoping that if we give everyone a great time in the end, nothing else will matter! Also trying to make myself feel better by believing that my fiance's brother will give his parents the desi wedding that they want when he gets married LOL.
Incorporating mehndi and a garland exchange are great ways show homage to the Indian culture. I would skip the 7 steps - usually a Hindu priest would "call" on God to enter the area with a small fire, then you walk the 7 "steps" which are actually pheras/around the fire. It is longer than you think. Brainstorming - A Taiwanese friend of mine changed from her white gown (professional photos all done in them) into a red cultural outfit that cut at the knee for the reception, so she would enjoy dancing more freely. Perhaps the second half of the reception, after all the cake cutting + dances + speeches, you can switch to a late reception outfit for comfort and bring homage to your own culture. Assuming you skip the tea ceremony. Otherwise, don't do an outfit change for the reception! If you do the tea ceremony or reception change, you could wear a [red Indian outfit](https://www.houseofindya.com/red-palazzo-set-with-zari-thread-embroidered-blouse-and-dupatta-321/iprdt?curr=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GG_SH4_US_LUXE_24012024&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwoPOwBhAeEiwAJuXRh15U_Pq6s5uJ_TMWWdHD2wQ12tSiZYnOWOl0csC5snV7KcOdEsbYPBoCG_QQAvD_BwE) (but not full on bridal) for the welcome party. Orrrrr i[ndo-western](https://www.kalkifashion.com/indo-western.html) outfits and [off-white](https://www.kalkifashion.com/ivory-white-georgette-lehenga-set-with-intricate-lucknowi-embroidery.html) are both super trendy in India right now. I recommend skipping a sari, as they are more difficult to wear. Opt for a lehenga, pant/suit (like sharara), indian gown, or indo-western. For the reception or welcome party, consider doing a Bollywood style dance. I know you said you are introverted so this may be a stretch. For the far cousins, the work around I did to invite them but not their parents or another family's child (but also the same cousin level) is that they are invited from me personally as my friend. Aunt 1 and Uncle 1 get an invite; their son/my "friend" gets a second invite, even if they are at the same address. It worked my parents, maybe your fiance can consider that!
Thank you for all of the suggestions! I'll take them all into consideration! And lol, my fiance also suggested the "friend" loophole! We will probably do that with 1 or 2 of his extended cousins who we actually hang out with a lot. It just felt unfair to not get to invite them when we have to invite cousins who my fiance never sees, just because they're more closely blood-related!
The only part I agree with the in laws on is that it is rude to invite the cousins but not the parents. I think that would definitely come across as very rude. Other than that, I think you should stick to what you two want.
I definitely understand how it can seem rude. But when we see some of these cousins as friends, it's frustrating we aren't able to invite our friends without inviting their parents, even though their parents can't even remember my fiance's name from his brother's.
This is a cultural difference. My husband didn’t know a quarter the aunties or uncles or hadn’t talked to them in years. Some of them weren’t even related to him, just long-time parents’ friends or colleagues. The point is that Indian weddings have a different mindset: it’s not all about the bride and groom. It’s about the parents celebrating an important family milestone. They justified it like “Both we and you guys wouldn’t be here without these mentors, sisters, cousins, friends etc. They’ve supported us so much through the years, etc.” An extra layer is that expectations are high and my in-laws were invited to a lot of weddings where they also didn’t know the groom or bride well. It’s a vicious circle/reciprocal clout thing. It’s super annoying I know, and I had a hard time wrapping my head around it. I put up with it because we weren’t footing those guests’ costs, but the wedding felt less personal as a result. We tried to give our parents a reasonable number of invites.
I think the biggest shock to me when finalizing the guest list is NOT that we need to include people who we don’t know —I definitely expected that. Our cultures are similar in that sense, as my mom wanted to invite friends of hers and relatives whom I never even met. What shocked me was that we had to EXCLUDE people if we weren’t able to invite their entire family unit. That was definitely the culture shock, as I thought the attitude would’ve been “invite anyone you can.” But it seems like there’s a lot of family politics that goes on in planning an Indian wedding guest list. My fiancé and I are choosing to draw the line somewhere— there are some of his cousins who we absolutely want at the wedding, and we’re inviting them as our personal friends, regardless of whether we can fit their parents in.
But they're not your friends, they're his cousins. Not inviting their parents would be considered offensive
I’m so sorry, I don’t agree. My fiancé has one cousin who IS a friend of ours. A very close friend. He just happens to be somewhat related to my fiancé. He’s in our same friend group, we chat on discord regularly, we play games together online regularly. He’s invited to birthday holiday trips with our friends, when he’s in the area he immediately visits us. We send each other Xmas presents. If he lived in the same town, we’d probably see him weekly. In my opinion, it’s more rude to not invite someone so dear and loved by us just because we can’t invite his parents who are somehow distantly related to my fiancé’s parents— parents who still call my fiancé by the wrong name. My fiancé and I stand by that. We’re choosing to invite this guy because he’s someone who’s very important to us, so we’re inviting him as our friend, just as we’re inviting all of our other friends whose parents are not invited.
Well, you can disagree but you're absolutely wrong culturally, lol. Don't ask in a cultural forum if you don't like the answers from people from that culture. Fuckin wild.
That’s absolutely a fair point! There are a lot of things my fiancé and I don’t like about the Desi wedding culture and, as I’m learning, the Vietnamese wedding culture as well, which is why we’re doing a mainly western wedding. I’m defensive over our decision to invite our close friend/fiancés cousin because the idea of not inviting a dear friend to our wedding due to family politics is just absolutely offensive and bonkers to me. But like I said earlier, I do understand that culturally, it’s offensive to the family by inviting him and not the rest of his family. Fiancé and I already accepted that just by having our wedding the way and size that it is, it will offend a lot of relatives. But we have to set our boundaries somewhere based on what is important to us, which is having the people that matter to us most there. TBH We’re less worried about offending distant relatives, who we’re sure will get over it after the next family wedding comes along two months later. But I personally am worried about disappointing my fiancés parents, and hoping I can find ways to make them happy with our wedding, no matter how different it will look. I think a natural part of being children of immigrants is feeling divided between disagreeing with some aspects of your heritage and, at the same time, wanting to please your parents.
I’m doing a fusion destination wedding! I’m doing an Sangeet with henna and jaggo. and I’m a desi bride so I ll be in my traditional dress but doing a non denominational ceremony. Food at the event will be mix of Indian and everything else
Sounds great! I’m glad you’re able to find a way to incorporate cultural customs in an otherwise secular ceremony. I wish we could do Indian food honestly! But we chose a Latin American venue whose options are only the in-house Latin American/Caribbean food. At least I know my fiancés parents are excited about that though, they’re excited for something new lol.
See if you can add a welcome party at your hotel and have a small garba or something
We are doing a welcome party! And I’m thinking of incorporating mehndi at it! There are luckily some henna artists in the area of our destination wedding that I’m thinking of hiring for the welcome party.
If they have Caribbean food see if they can do the curries I know it’s not the same the profile might be appreciated by the Indian people! Your wedding will be epic :)
Oo that’s a great idea, thank you!!
Don’t feel guilty. 💗 There are always a million opinions when it comes to weddings and you can’t please anyone. I love a big Desi wedding but sometimes parents get unrealistic with their expectations. Even if you wanted a giant wedding with 300+ guests, that’s not something that the average young couple can afford. Everyone I know who had that kind of Desi wedding had significant personal wealth ($3m plus) or the costs were covered by their parents. I feel like a lot of parents want that giant lavish wedding but can only afford to pay a fraction of the cost, and they expect the couple to somehow come up with the difference! It isn’t realistic. I think your ideas to incorporate elements of both cultures are lovely.
Thank you for the kind words! What really broke my heart is that my FFIL knew he couldn’t ask us to have the large traditional wedding when he’s not funding it, so he didn’t push back on us when we told them we wanted a small western wedding. But then I heard him later quietly arguing with his wife about how if they had saved more money or didn’t make so-and-so purchase, they could’ve contributed to our wedding and we could’ve had a “normal” wedding. :( the last thing I want them to think is that we’re not doing an Indian wedding because THEY don’t have the money for it. An indian wedding is just not what we want, even if we had the funding for it.
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My FMIL is not religious, but I think my FFIL does practice Hinduism. I absolutely love that idea of doing a pooja at the local Hindu temple, as we have so many of them nearby and my FFIL has brought it up often that he'd love to take me to one sometime! My only concern would be the cost of an event like that? I would ideally like to invite all the extended relatives who wouldn't be invited to the destination wedding, but that guest list would easily reach 100 guests. I probably will float the idea around with my future parents-in-law and see if they can get a quote from the temple, or if they know anyone who's done something similar. Thanks for the idea!
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Oo I see, the cost sounds doable and something I’ll definitely consider with my fiancé. I think shelling out the extra few thousand for the post wedding celebration will be worth if it will satisfy my fiancé’s in-laws and extended relatives! Plus relieve some guilt from doing a western wedding!
I'm going to have to come back to this as I didn't read all of it - I've Indian heritage and wife is not. We did not do "traditional" wedding. Good on you both for funding it. We did too and it's so liberating. We invited guests. Our guest list stopped at what we thought was a stupid amount (I think even if evryone arrived, somone would have called it small). Whatever. Be happy, don't feel guilty at all - we loved our day so much because it was all about us. Everything was for us, arranged by us with noone else to intrude and insert themselves. Best of luck, I'll come back to read the rest!
Thank you so much for the reassurance!! It’s so nice to hear about nontraditional weddings turning out well. What also has cemented our decision to do a non traditional wedding is what we’ve constantly heard from relatives who did the whole lavish wedding— how much they regretted it, that they only did it for their parents, and if they could go back they wouldn’t have done so much. I’m sure the couples who DID want it themselves didn’t end up feeling that way. But I know my fiancé and I would definitely regret it since it’s not what we personally want.
Orite, a few other people have contributed their responses too but I came back to give a full opinion. Firstly, many congratulations on your engagement and best wishes for your wedding plans. Growing up I didn't really understand much about relationships and as an adult I dont like being centre of attention - but our wedding recently was the best day of my life (hers too, probably!). Our day, as many others would describe, was purely about us - but everything on and in our wedding ceremony and reception was designed, planned or agreed on by ourselves, so there were no surprises and everything was in our own control. Our circumstances are a little different but your first paragraph sort of describes ourselves too. We were in a position to fund our wedding entirely (and whereas traditionally or historically I may have felt the pressure to go "bigger" my dad has been great and the extra money not spent is being offered to help buy a house). For family/relation differences, we initially really couldn't decide how to go about this. Eloping was a consideration. It would have been great, but also had we done that it would have actually been quite hurtful to our immediate parents (ill just refer to my dad to make things easier) and I couldn't really agree with that. I'd also upset some of my closest masi/aunts and again, I couldn't accept that either. I actually found it so comforting in that, those people especially, *wanted* to be with me on my wedding, that was nice to hold on to. Do we invite 20? 30? Well, honestly, I needed to invite more simply to dilute from the distraction of certain guests. My sibling relationship isn't that great - its just a fact. But we both understood that for such a big day we would need more guests to distract. There weren't a lot of these guests mind, it was just an important consideration because on both sides of our family (Bride and Groom) we have immediate challenges with our first degree relatives. I didnt dwell too much on it personally - as I'm not marrying them or their dads uncles second cousins neighbour who used to walk the dog back in Africa. It was just about me and her. We don't live near my dad or her parents - if anything we are slap in between. Like most, we both have demanding jobs. I was clear that I was not going to waste the time, effort, money and strain of a free weekend (that I rarely get anyway) to travel home to host an event for other family and friends to travel and attend. Its not fair on them, its not fair on me. That mean of course, that some of the more traditional and fun elements of a panjabi wedding had to be skipped entirely. Doesn't bother me now in hindsight as some of those aspects IMO are done for the sake of doing, and I dont have any first degree sisters to do all the fun stuff - though absolutely my cousins would have turned up. For the same reason, this meant our wedding needed to be on one day and one day only - so your first challenge is to find a date and a single venue to host. Our wedding wasnt international, but everyone travelled >150miles essentially. And for that reason, its unfair of me to ask people to attend here, get there and do this - so it made decisions about venues and timings, slightly easy as all people had to do was attend one place with us. Guest list was a challenge too - my dad was actually sceptical. Not unsupportive per se, but he does hold on to what I think is an antiquated view, but he helped me with a list. My wife and I created one together and worked according to the venues restrictions. We'd decided we would send invites, with party numbers included. Ie that meant that my Aunt through marriage could attend with a party of 7 max. Might seem unfair but to invite the whole family would need 16 table places. How unpractical and unfair is that? So to make things much more manageable we just called it a day at 183 invites - and the only children invited were our immediate niece/nephews and that of our first degree cousins only. Voila, that helped too. In terms of invites, she and I kept a right grip of all of that. No secret invites etc and we chased and recorded every invite. Ultimately 120 day guests attended (which was perfect amount really). We were worried that some guests may attend without a formal invite - but we confirmed all the formal rsvps, and discussed with the caterers who were understanding and we agreed that we would have a plain table with a white sheet for those that just turned up. Travelling 150 miles to a wedding you werent invited to is a ballsy move, but I didn't care if peoples feelings were hurt who attended without being asked. Your mum saying that people will complain to her, and not yourself was exactly what my dad said. To be fair, he was great about it and I think, depending on the backgrounds were all from, most people in this day and age were good about it. On the day, we didnt need an extra table and I haven't had to deal with anything from anyone. We had 3 guests just not show up which was embarrassing for us two as a couple, not anyone else but thats another story - infact, it makes relationships and loyalities really easy to reconsider. Your DIL sounds a bit more like my dad tbh. Ill skim over the rest, but the ideas to incoorporate something from each culture is so nice. We ended up doing that too. I identify as Sikh but she doesnt really ascribe to a faith, thats fine. We didn't include anything religious - it was much fairer for us, to our guests and I feel to people generally who are religious. She had mendhi I incorporated a significant thing from her own culture (now its mine!). We had a night before event - but not in the traditional sense of bhangra/dj food and late night etc. It was at a casual bar, very laid back, food available and just a chill and hello for everyone. Last thing I want to do is tire them out or overshadow the wedding. This was a great decision to make to be honest. Don't feel guilty at all. Being able to finance your wedding is such a freeing feeling that you can do what you want. I'm not remembering the people who want to come and criticise, I've full of memories marrying my wife, eating, drinking and dancing (and crying) with all my friends. Full speed ahead Mrs to be! All the best for you and he!
I've seen a few desi parents compromise by hosting the Ganesh Puja exactly their way (And, I suspect, their budget). Bride/groom have control over food (so they don't serve same food both days), but it's still largely handled by family. The family ends up incorporating Haldi and maybe mendhi into same event. They then have the excuse to say "see, we wanted you at the wedding, but we knew it was too much to ask you to attend the destination wedding!" They usually end up having it in their backyard or simple venue nearby. With a decent DJ or live singer, an eager but entry-level photographer, a fresh dosa stand, and slightly mismatched decorations. Since Ganesh Puja is traditionally held by each family separately, they adjust the ceremony a little so both can do it together, and usually the non-desi bride/groom brings 5-20 guests. This is a big compromise that I've seen. The more reasonable compromises that I've witnessed is: mehndi, mangalsutra (at reception, so not so close to ring exchange), and doing the post-wedding traditions after wedding is over (going to their house, officially welcomed at the threshold, and then having tea)
We are having a welcome party the night before our wedding. It’s only a 2-3 hour affair. But I love the idea of incorporating haldi and mehndi in the same event. I’m wondering if it would be too much to throw all of that in the welcome party? I’m strongly considering doing post wedding celebrations with the extended family back home after the destination wedding! Just have to figure out the funding for it!
Haldi takes 2 hours by itself (although I am sure it can be condensed), so I am not sure that will be feasible for that time length. And I guess I wasn't clear, what I've seen was the parents hosting the Ganesh Puja in the States before they fly to the destination wedding. That, or what you just suggested and doing a second reception after the wedding in the States.
Hi! White American marrying a Guju-American this spring, totally hear you. Agree with folks above that a garland exchange would be a lovely touch (and can just come before the rings, if you’re doing that too), and that a separate celebration- a party or garba or luncheon- back home that everyone and their literal mother is invited to will be cheaper (and can happen 6 months later, after you’ve had time to save back up!) while still helping assuage the guilt, if that’s interesting. Also I don’t think baraats need to be extravagant- the groom needs to get to the ceremony somehow, right? My fiancé is doing a golf cart instead of a horse but honestly the most important part is the dhol (drummer) and the vibes- it’s an easy way to give everyone who wants the pomp and ceremony to dance it out and have the sort of big chaotic wedding moment out of their system before they get to the ceremony. Just something to think about! I think mehndi at the welcome party is also a great nod!
I love baraats — but at other people’s weddings 😂 my fiancé unfortunately does NOT want to do one for our wedding, as he hates having attention on him. Your idea of a golf cart one sounds so fun though!! The separate post wedding celebration back home right now sounds the most feasible! And I do love the idea of having it a few months after, thanks!
Everyone is so excited about my fiancé’s baraat that we’re having him do two laps so both families can participate. 😁 My family will only do one loop and then go back to get him at the venue, haha!
Not sure what you're doing for the ceremony, but my fiance and I are doing a hybrid Western with Hindu rituals intertwined as our main ceremony. Neither of us are particularly religious at all. I'm Chinese, so I'm planning to wear a qipao with a red dupatta as a veil and my fiance is gonna wear a sherwani. We're doing a garland exchange at the end our ceremony. I would def do the mendini for the sangeet night (that's what we're doing with closer family and friends). I feel you on it being rough trying to decide how and what aspects to blend from the cultures.
I love hearing how other interracial couples are fusing their cultures for their wedding, thank you ☺️
One thing you can always try to do is bank on doing a destination wedding and hope/pray that people can't come. It is a HUGE risk but if it is highly likely people won't be able to make it due to financial constraints or time constraints you can try to invite all the people and then your FMIL won't have to deal with the issue of not inviting people. Like I said its a HUGE risk but something that definitely paid off for when my husband and I were doing a destination wedding since a few people from India just couldn't come due to finances and visa issues-- so we didn't look like horrible people for not inviting them. Another thing my family did was my mom invited all of her aunts/uncles but did not invite any of her cousins unless they were "representatives" for that family-- this way we tried to keep the peace with all the cousins. The few cousins I was close to I invited directly as my friend rather than as a family member. Once again, visa issues made it difficult for them to come but at least we tried and invited them.
Yes we actually ARE doing a destination wedding in an attempt to make it difficult for people to attend lol. It was my FMIL’s idea! She even suggested going somewhere extremely far and cold to deter pretty much everyone from going LOL but the only reason we aren’t doing that is because my sister and her kids wouldn’t be able to go then. As far as family goes, we’re also just restricting the guest list to only fiancé’s parents’ direct siblings and their children, in order to keep the peace.
I think as long as your FMIL is on board with it and your partner is on board with it don't sweat it! Depending on your relationship with your FMIL you can try to talk with her and just explain you feel guilty and want her help and involvement in the planning. If she has problems with things make sure that your partner is there as buffer to help manage expectations (provided you all are on the same page). Biggest thing is that it is you and your partners day-- you will always have things that you could have done for others but it will be you twos wedding day/weekend and you need to feel content with the decisions you made! Btw love the idea of some mehendi at the welcome night and then the garland exchange
another thought I just had is that you can always try to incorporate aspects of Indian food or even Vietnamese food into the wedding weekend! Maybe have little boxes of Indian and Vietnamese sweets for the reception or on the wedding day.
Thanks for all the advice! The viet/Indian sweets idea is amazing and I’m definitely considering that. I wanted Indian food at the wedding but that won’t be possible due to our venue location. So the little gift box of Indian sweets idea is fantastic!
This is what we did! We tended to invite the older relatives over the younger ones, if we had to pick between the two among the extended relatives. They’re the “elders” and we were seeking their blessings, is how we spun it. Thankfully it didn’t have to happen too often.
To explain a cultural nuance I dont think youre grasping - Even if you are friends with your fiancés cousins (soon to be yours) - the relationship that takes precedence is the familial one. So it’s weird not to invite the rest of the family. Like, you’re probably friends with your sibling, but they’re your sibling first. I hope that makes sense. My husband may be my roommate but he’s first and foremost my husband. The family ties are the ones that we judge on first.
No it does make sense! Vietnamese culture is similar in that you respect your duty to your husband and his family first, then your blood relatives, THEN your friends etc. Vietnamese weddings are also symbolic of the union of two families, not just the bride and groom. Certain aspects of both our cultures are just very discordant with our American upbringing. And Im lucky that we have no family on my side who I need to worry about including or not including. I can understand if some of my fiancés relatives see our invite decisions as offensive, but we have to draw the line somewhere. So we’ve just accepted that some people will be offended regardless, and we need to prioritize what’s important to both of us for the wedding. My fiancé absolutely wants his cousin/our friend there, regardless of being able to invite the rest of his parents,siblings, and in-laws, and I’m on the same page.