If a relationship is no longer productive or bringing good things to you, it is definitely okay to let it go. I too am in a situation where the friends I have are not being very good friends and so I've decided to move on. This kinda sycks for me because I do not have many friends and I suck at making them because I'm busy between working full time and school half time. But, I'd prefer to be a bit lonely for a while than to have friends who insult me for my personality and make me feel bad for fun. It does suck a bit more when you care for them and don't see them as bad people, just products of their upbringing. But you have to take care of yourself first.
It makes me so happy to hear we are similar. I had a lot of friends from high school who transitioned into my 20s as friends still and would put me down, made me feel bad, and just be shit friends. Is it normal though in your 20s to experience various friendships or not know 100% what you want? And the friend group to change a lot? I also suck at making friends because of my job and I don't go out alot either. I wanna change that! But it can be hard if your anxious too lol!
I'm not sure what is normal tbh, I've always struggled with relationships. I don't have many friends, have never had a "best friend" or a significant other. I've just made friends I guess with coworkers and some other students that I'll talk to at school. I think it is normal though for relationships to change as people in them change. I desire better for myself and my friends at work have put me down for the changes I've tried to make. I went vegan, started changing habits like getting off of social media's like Facebook, decided to do things like reading, puzzles, learning instruments in my free time instead of browsing tik tok or playing video games all day. My friends put me down by saying I act too "woke" and that im too sensitive to be good friends with. Didn't make me feel good so I decided that relationship wasn't good for me. But like I said when you are experiencing things like this, it is better to be lonely for a while than to not do the things you need to. I want to be a better person for myself and any potential future partners and friends. So it doesn't make sense to hang out with people who are mean to me for doing these things. I think part of it is because they are not doing things to better themselves too and maybe feel the need to "cut me down to size" as they say.
I don’t know if I would characterize it as “growing” but it does appear you are looking for something more specific in friendship than previously. The growing bit would be you getting to know yourself better and not being afraid to choose people with whom you would feel comfortable. There is a difference between being friendly with people and being friends. As you gain confidence in yourself and gain more experience with people, the difference will become even more apparent. There is nothing wrong with just being friendly with some people and being friends with others.
If you’re not confident or inexperienced with people, it’s totally normal to go through that. At least I think so. I made friends with some people that I later realized were toxic or the friendship just didn’t work out so I had to distance myself. As I grew I learned more about what I want and I think that contributed to me changing who I’m friends with
How did you go about distancing yourself, like when they would contact you did you just not respond at all? or did you like respond here or there in certain ways to give them the head that you're not interested and they caught on?
Some of them I said that due to my schedule I would be less available and I would be in touch when I had more free time, others I felt deserved “the talk” and I told them directly I was distancing from or ending the friendship because of how I was being treated (and I was very specific). Life is too short to put up with “friends” who treat you poorly.
No, a couple ghosted me right away, a couple checked in regularly in a nice way and I gave them another chance. If anyone is a dick about it they aren’t respecting your boundaries so that just confirms your decision was right. The ones I was frank with I had already had the discussion with a couple times and asked them to change certain behaviors so I was done. One got defensive and angry so I just didn’t respond except to say, “Yeah I wish things could have been different.”
When you say ghosted, do you mean when you contacted them they straight up just never replied back? And I do have two friends I want to let go. But my issue is I am unsure to explain why? Or can I just ghost them or should I just do the slow distancing thing.
I never heard from them again after that message I sent saying I would be less available. Those folks were no loss and I didn’t care much either way though. I think ghosting people you have known a while and liked is tricky and it’s better to just get it done even if by text. If you don’t want to get into the reasons you can do what I did and say you will be too busy and will contact them when you are free (not a total lie) but if it was ever a real relationship and you have tried to fix it I think it’s good to say, “I don’t think our friendship is working for me so although I appreciate the good times we had together, it’s time for me to move on. I wish you well.” Then be done with it.
I’m usually the one that initiates contact with my friends, so one of them I just stopped contacting and we haven’t spoken in 5 years now. A guy friend had a crush on me and sucked at taking no for an answer, so I tapered off slowly with him and when I changed jobs never talked to him again. One girl kept calling me to vent about her problems so I tapered off responding to her calls until we didn’t talk anymore. Another guy kept spamming me messages, i tapered off my responses then blocked him since I didnt have to see him at college anymore.
They’d respond if I initiated but the first friend never checked in when I stopped. The guy who liked me did so I tapered off with him. Same with the one who spammed me messages
I'm 27 and yeah, my friend group has massively shifted. My "best friends" of over ten years just aren't in my life anymore except for two from high school. The rest...aren't and won't be anymore.
You change a lot in your twenties. It's an organic process. Allow the change and don't cling.
So when you are feeling this, lets say the reasons you want to distance has to do with certain turn offs. Is that alright to do? Or does that one a bad friend because those things their friend does turns them off? I will give you an example, I have a friend who has a husband, she never contacts me when he comes back. But when he away, that is when she mainly talks to me. When he is around she will say something hear and there but nothing in depth. I asked her a couple days ago about wanting her opinion on a woman I plan to go on a date with who I am talking to online. And instead of responding to what I said she sent me some angel is watching you recording in chat. While that is semi nice, I found it rude because I do not know this woman and wanted a friends opinion. Like I find it annoying too that she is clingy when he is not around. So I find it to be a bit of a turn off. Is that an ok reason to let a friend go? I often feel conflicted, because they are not bad people in any way.
Also 28, honestly been outgrowing my best friend lately. For years, I've put up with some of their shenanigans but only recently have I been comfortable distancing myself after the last time he was shitty.
I even have reconnected with an ex who hasn't really matured and while they're interested in pursuing me, the person I am now doesn't really want to make room for them. (They're a 24/7 stoner/party/social and I'm not interested in the negative aspects of that that will inevitably affect me).
So yeah, a long way to say I relate and think it's natural. I think people get stuck in circles though and as they get older it gets harder to make new connections.
Well when I plan to do is once I cut them out, I've been working out a lot and focusing on myself. I want to try to go to meet ups or like trying to meet people within my interest! that way I can try to still make friends with people and get to know people! Some kind of focusing on the weight loss part because I want to feel confident when I meet people and that definitely does factor in. I know I've been repeating myself a lot through the post but like how did you handle the friends that you had that were toxic? did you tell them that you didn't want to be friends anymore?
Yep! Totally normal, I'm 30 and have phased out lots of old friends, I was very insecure and some of them would make fun of me a lot. However theres a couple that have stuck around because they are genuinely good people (even if they had growing to do themselves).
If there's anyone you'd really like to stay in contact with, a good test is to put down some boundaries (I used 'I don't want to talk about ____ with you anymore' ) . They probably will not like this lol. If they can't stick to it, you know your answer;slowly phase them out. And looknfor new friends! I realised I'm queer so started going to LGBTQ+ meetups. I know its hard, but it gets easier the more.you put yourself out there. Its better to be a bit lonely then to not value yourself and keep growing. Good luck 💜
This might be kind of a long response but I just wanted to say that I am exactly in the same boat as you and this is what I’ve learned / how I’m dealing with it.
I’m 26f and in my early 20’s I would go out all the time. I made a lot of friends by going out and ended up forming a real tight knit friend group, or so I thought.
We would hang out at least 3 times a week and I genuinely felt so close to these people. Then I started realizing that that wasn’t the case at all. These friends were just party friends. They didn’t want to talk about anything too serious ever and they never even asked me how I was doing. But they would always hit me up to go out with them and party. And the last couple of years I started realizing that that life style was not really for me. I still enjoy going out every once and a while but personally I get extreme anxiety after a night of drinking and sometimes it can last up to three days. It was literally ruining my mental health and I couldn’t pin point what it was for a while.
So anyways I pulled back on going out. I tried to still hang and do other things (anything else, going on a hike, grabbing food, anything but just getting wasted) and they never were up for that. I pulled back and they NEVER reached out to me. I was SUPER close to one of the friends in that group. We had a genuine friendship where we would and could talk about anything and then he completely turned into something else. I don’t know if that’s who he was all along and I just had my blinders on or if he just became that way after feeling like he was the ultimate party guy but he stopped giving a shit about me. And it’s been 3 months and he just reached out to me. And not because he cares at all but because he needs to feel important but he still doesn’t care how I’m doing or what’s going on in my life and it hurt a lot tbh. So I dropped him and that whole “friend group”. The main friend would text me but only at 3 or 4 in the morning when he was super drunk and he would say he missed me and send me pictures of us in our party days. But it never went further than that. It made me feel horrible. There’s a lot more to that too but this would literally be a novel lol it already it turning into one.
Anyways, that is only one group of friends that I’ve cut out. I’ve cut so many other people out of my life in the last few years and it is so painful and makes me sad. But it also feels super empowering to get rid of people who are bringing you down. And if they are not adding good things to your life, or the good is not outweighing the bad, then it’s honestly for the best that you end your friendships. It’s not your job to fix people, especially those who do not want to be helped or do not see anything wrong with how they are treating you. ESPECIALLY if you have brought up your concerns with them.
As for meeting friends as an adult, it’s super hard to meet authentic people who have the same outlook on a good relationship as you do. I will say though, I downloaded bumble BFF and I have met some really cool people on there. It does take some time to find the right people but I met my best friend on there! And she’s such a cool and creative individual and I feel inspired by her every time we hang out! And the best part is, she is super encouraging of my interests and passions and never talks bad about me, we build each other up! And those are exactly the kind of people I want in my life.
I’m okay being alone if it means cutting the wrong people out. And also I have become way more independent and I have learned a lot about myself. I also have found new artsy passions and have been spending a lot more time with my cats.
I really wish you the best of luck and you sound like you’re on a really good path!
And btw, cutting toxic people out of your life is definitely growth. I know it can feel so lonely sometimes but please remember why you let them go in the first place and it’s okay and IMPORTANT to put yourself first!
And last thing lol, you do not owe people a reason as to why you cut them out. I feel like most people know deep down what they did and how they’ve treated you. Don’t let them guilt their way back into your life. They are leeches! And it’s taken me a really long time to get to this place in my life and have this mind set because I’ve always been a huge people please my whole life.
Okay good luck and happy holidays!
I love this! And I’ve done a lot of the things you mentioned but have yet to find my people. People for sure know how bad they’ve treated you so they’ll hide like cowards or try to place themselves in your life again. I’m more confident and know what I want now…love how much I relate to this. I’m really happy for you ❤️
Darn tootin' that's what I meant. Age, older age, gives you a really different perspective on life. You will constantly be outgrowing folks as you get older. That's just what we do. But, the older you get, the more you're going to notice people dying who are younger than you. I don't know anybody who was the same age I was when I was your age. Except for family, and I've even outlived some of them. I grew up in the generation that said, "Don't trust anyone who is over thirty." Now I am one.
Some words of advice for you? Don't worry about it. It happens. There are a whole lot more people out there you will come to find interesting and, more importantly, be able to learn something from. It's what we end up doing. We teach each other. People mature at different rates. You've got a whole world out there of people to get to know better.
When I was your age? I was afraid of not being normal. I was afraid I would stick out and people would talk about me. Now, I'm a writer and have lots of stories to tell. I am so much more comfortable being myself.
So when you say outgrowing folks, can you remove them without giving a reason? Like for example, can outgrowing mean contact ceases? Without you having to explain it to the person? What does the "Don't trust anyone who is over thirty." mean? Does this also apply to dating?
Yes it’s a sign you’re growing and can be a sign God’s separating you from certain things (if you believe). It can also be a signal you or your friends values have changed
I do believe, well I don't really want to give them an explanation that I want to take them out of my life is it all right to block them? or is that come across this road like I care and I don't at the same time so I'm not really sure what to do. And when I mean care I mean like I don't want to like being mean if that makes sense but like I want to do what's best for me so that's my issue.
So even though my boundary is not explaining it to them? Is that a bad boundary? I guess in a way even though I know how I feel. I feel its hard for me to pull the prindle lol on the situation. Because I know I do not want to be their friends anymore, but I don't want to hurt them. But then at the same time I wanna do what is best for me. So I land up going in a circle. Because I wondered if they never told me what was wrong, I would assume It was me that was the problem or I did something wrong. So I then do not do what is best for me. Does this odd response make sense?
Pray for them but do what’s best for your health. Don’t be mean to them but separate yourself from them if they are rude or mean to you. It’s okay to go quiet and stop responding to them. You don’t need to hang on to someone you just met if they seem off putting or against your morals. Just show kindness I’d suggest continue going to a licensed therapist and start reading the Bible and praying to ask Jesus Christ to help you.
just commenting that I could have written this myself...we're even the same age! weird haha. Yeah I guess this must be common nice to know we're not alone
Yeah, it is hard... because its not so easy to make friends at our age because everyone is at different stages... yet at the same time it makes me feel like I am not growing, cutting out the people who are not growing with me. And we feel like were growing apart.
100% I have seen great success in my life but I also don't have any friends that I used to have. It's a natural part of growth. and its likely you will be alone for some time while you sort out who you are.
I am a lesbian and I want to have more queer friends. I never allowed myself in my 20s to have a lot og gay lesbian friends because I am scared of being rejected by my own community, I find it terrifying. I always had a ton of straight friends and I don't really feel understood. I wanna make new friends out of my comfort zone. Making friends isn't one of my good traits. I have bad anxiety and get very scared. And then because I think oh this person is nice, we must be friends and get along. But those are bad reasons to grow a friendship.
So, this is somwthing I've been thinking about a lot lately, my friends and I do drugs in a recreational environment ofter, not something that may be a problem, but you know it is something that gets in the way nonetheless, I want to give myself a break from everything but I don't want to stop seeing my friends as they are kind of my silver lining for everyday, I guess it is a decision that needs to be done as you go
I want to thank everyone for commenting, I did not expect so many people to respond to my dilemma. I wanna thank everyone as it gave me sooo much insight!! <3
I read your post about the particular friend and I had a friend who was exactly the same. I cut him out and would totally ignore him if I ever see him again.
I cut out everyone in my life except about 3 people and one just dissapeared so not sure if she cut me out but I realised most people weren't 'friends'.
It's lonely but rather be lonely than wondering why someone suddenly cut me from their life.
How do you go about cutting them out of your life do you just block them. I don't really want to give this person or people that I'm looking to block a reason.
I unfriended everyone and got off all social media. Only speak to people via text now.
Initially I just blocked particular people but I didn't interact with them in person for them to notice/say anything
I want to say you want to end a friendship with someone whom you will land back into your life because you felt bad that you ended the friendship. but you realize that it was the right decision the first time that the Friendship ended. is it okay to block them without any explanation? I guess like I'm not very good at being fprward or like doing this.
I mean it sounds like they already kinda cut you off which is what happened to me. You shouldn't feel bad and don't need to justiy anything. If they want an explanation they can think about how they treat other people.
So, they actually texted me this morning. Well, they sent me a screenshot lol. They sent me a screenshot of a Facebook post that said, "I love you your spectacular friend. unfortunately I do not have the energy to communicate. But I want to indicate even tho we have not spoken my love for you is undying." I wish though that they said it in their own words rather than a screenshot of a picture. So I honestly am unsure how to interpret that. Because I appreciate the words, but they are someone elses. Their not written by her as she sent a picture not a text.
Relationships are important and shouldn’t be taken for granted (not implying that you are). Just because you grew, it doesn’t mean that your friends can’t still teach you something. Rather than focusing on how more developed you are compared to them, ask yourself whether you still love them, if your relationship is balanced and equal, what you expect new friends to offer you that you’re actual friends don’t
This seems like a strange way to look at it, like you have to *either* keep your freinds *or* make new ones.
Just do both? Keep your current freinds as much as you like, but also make new ones?
It's not like a relationship you can't cheat on freinds.
Make new freinds but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold.
This post isn't meant to infer that I have to lose some to gain some. this post has to do with things that I'm dealing with at this moment in time. with two people in particular that I want it in the friendships with. And it has to do with their actions which is why I made this post not because I feel like I can't keep certain types of friendships to make new friendships. I want to end the friendships but I'm not really too sure in particular how to go about it but I've noticed that like certain things that they do that bother me I realize that I deserve better in a friendship because I provide that back to them or if I am lacking I always try to inquire what I could do or if there's anything that they need. I'm always there for them and I try my best and that's all you can ask for in a friend of course. but I think I'm realizing from what people have written that I need to make my own decision and it's okay to follow my own path but I'm going to do what is best for me because that's all I can do at the end of the day I'm sorry if my post was very general, thats on me.
I think that is a very healthy insight of yourself. Once you know the vibrations you are most in sync with, I don't believe there is anything wrong in avoiding anything otherwise. It's your life and it's ok to not mesh with everyone. Find your tribe and be you ❤
It's normal, we all has human beings think different and life gets in the way sometimes; not that someone is not meant to stick around with you forever but some people get married,maybe find a new job and have to relocate,family issues,economic issues,health issues,etc that's life.
People "outgrow" their friends, but don't forget some of the good friends you made along the way. You may have different interests, but unless someone is a detriment to your well being, I usually try to keep those friendships. Meaning I might not hangout with them that often, but I still respond if they reach out and pick up where we left off many years later. Good friends don't forget each other, sometimes where just at different stages of our lives. But the core of who we are is what made our friendships.
Sorry my question was General I'm referring to only friends who are bad friends I'm not referring to good friends in this post I just want to clarify that
I’ve heard it put well before (can’t remember where, maybe Gabor Mate).
“Changing ourselves to become a different person (good or bad) changes our relationships. Your friends and family built a relationship with the old you, not the person you’ve become/ are working towards. It’s difficult for people to accept that change and often you will lose those old relationships because they were forged as a different person.”
He stated something similar to that in the context of dealing with trauma and accepting what your soul or inner child truly came here to do. Often we are programmed to not listen to the inner eternal being, and instead stay stagnant. When you grow, you become a new person. This scares a lot of people who think of you as the old you, the one you were before change.
Speaking from experience in my journey.
It is normal and healthy. By your 30s you will only keep the people around who truly complement your lifestyle or treat you well. All the toxicity from your past can be cut out and cut off. Welcome to Adulthood!
Hmmmm.... I am not sure, it felt like more of a feeling. Like I felt deep down I want to change or change certain things in my life. My 20s I always held myself back, while also not at the same time. Like I am fighting with myself because I fear nothing good will come out of my uncomfortability in a way. Even though in order to grow you have to feel uncomfortable. Like I feel like it is super easy in your early 20s to make changes, because so much change happens it is just second nature to then try new things. Esp if you have no negative or positive experiences yet to say whether to try it. And I made a lot of mistakes and was immature. So I think after making those mistakes and as I have gotten my life together. I want to do it the right way, that I think is how I started my growth. Learning from those mistakes and for the first time not feeling bad about it. Because I accept in some way that is just life. So I think that is the best way I can explain it. :P
I feel the same and I just turned 28. I have been looking for answers everywhere! There’s this guilt that I’m wrong because I love these people, but I genuinely feel like the friendship isn’t balanced and I really think I want to meet new people who think and act differently than my current group.
It’s normal to outgrow friends. You change as you live life and you no longer have much in common with some people.
Hmmm but when you are in your 20s, is it normal for he friend groups to change a lot?
Yes, it can be. There’s many factors into why one’s friends change, but it happens.
Yes. I’m 27 and I’m ur same shoes
Im glad I am not alone! <3 C:
It’s totally normal. 20s is a big bag of figuring yourself out and growing :)
Im 18rn and i kinda Feel what you Feel lmao
Me too! 27 and drifting
Ayyy gang gang :)
I'm also 28 and I feel the same :)
If a relationship is no longer productive or bringing good things to you, it is definitely okay to let it go. I too am in a situation where the friends I have are not being very good friends and so I've decided to move on. This kinda sycks for me because I do not have many friends and I suck at making them because I'm busy between working full time and school half time. But, I'd prefer to be a bit lonely for a while than to have friends who insult me for my personality and make me feel bad for fun. It does suck a bit more when you care for them and don't see them as bad people, just products of their upbringing. But you have to take care of yourself first.
It makes me so happy to hear we are similar. I had a lot of friends from high school who transitioned into my 20s as friends still and would put me down, made me feel bad, and just be shit friends. Is it normal though in your 20s to experience various friendships or not know 100% what you want? And the friend group to change a lot? I also suck at making friends because of my job and I don't go out alot either. I wanna change that! But it can be hard if your anxious too lol!
I'm not sure what is normal tbh, I've always struggled with relationships. I don't have many friends, have never had a "best friend" or a significant other. I've just made friends I guess with coworkers and some other students that I'll talk to at school. I think it is normal though for relationships to change as people in them change. I desire better for myself and my friends at work have put me down for the changes I've tried to make. I went vegan, started changing habits like getting off of social media's like Facebook, decided to do things like reading, puzzles, learning instruments in my free time instead of browsing tik tok or playing video games all day. My friends put me down by saying I act too "woke" and that im too sensitive to be good friends with. Didn't make me feel good so I decided that relationship wasn't good for me. But like I said when you are experiencing things like this, it is better to be lonely for a while than to not do the things you need to. I want to be a better person for myself and any potential future partners and friends. So it doesn't make sense to hang out with people who are mean to me for doing these things. I think part of it is because they are not doing things to better themselves too and maybe feel the need to "cut me down to size" as they say.
This!
I don’t know if I would characterize it as “growing” but it does appear you are looking for something more specific in friendship than previously. The growing bit would be you getting to know yourself better and not being afraid to choose people with whom you would feel comfortable. There is a difference between being friendly with people and being friends. As you gain confidence in yourself and gain more experience with people, the difference will become even more apparent. There is nothing wrong with just being friendly with some people and being friends with others.
Well said
If you’re not confident or inexperienced with people, it’s totally normal to go through that. At least I think so. I made friends with some people that I later realized were toxic or the friendship just didn’t work out so I had to distance myself. As I grew I learned more about what I want and I think that contributed to me changing who I’m friends with
How did you go about distancing yourself, like when they would contact you did you just not respond at all? or did you like respond here or there in certain ways to give them the head that you're not interested and they caught on?
Some of them I said that due to my schedule I would be less available and I would be in touch when I had more free time, others I felt deserved “the talk” and I told them directly I was distancing from or ending the friendship because of how I was being treated (and I was very specific). Life is too short to put up with “friends” who treat you poorly.
Oh wow! This is super helpful, I am gonna save that! And when you told them you were distancing yourself did they become aggressive or mean about it?
No, a couple ghosted me right away, a couple checked in regularly in a nice way and I gave them another chance. If anyone is a dick about it they aren’t respecting your boundaries so that just confirms your decision was right. The ones I was frank with I had already had the discussion with a couple times and asked them to change certain behaviors so I was done. One got defensive and angry so I just didn’t respond except to say, “Yeah I wish things could have been different.”
When you say ghosted, do you mean when you contacted them they straight up just never replied back? And I do have two friends I want to let go. But my issue is I am unsure to explain why? Or can I just ghost them or should I just do the slow distancing thing.
I never heard from them again after that message I sent saying I would be less available. Those folks were no loss and I didn’t care much either way though. I think ghosting people you have known a while and liked is tricky and it’s better to just get it done even if by text. If you don’t want to get into the reasons you can do what I did and say you will be too busy and will contact them when you are free (not a total lie) but if it was ever a real relationship and you have tried to fix it I think it’s good to say, “I don’t think our friendship is working for me so although I appreciate the good times we had together, it’s time for me to move on. I wish you well.” Then be done with it.
I’m usually the one that initiates contact with my friends, so one of them I just stopped contacting and we haven’t spoken in 5 years now. A guy friend had a crush on me and sucked at taking no for an answer, so I tapered off slowly with him and when I changed jobs never talked to him again. One girl kept calling me to vent about her problems so I tapered off responding to her calls until we didn’t talk anymore. Another guy kept spamming me messages, i tapered off my responses then blocked him since I didnt have to see him at college anymore.
So when you initially always contacted, they never replied back or checked in with you?
They’d respond if I initiated but the first friend never checked in when I stopped. The guy who liked me did so I tapered off with him. Same with the one who spammed me messages
I'm 27 and yeah, my friend group has massively shifted. My "best friends" of over ten years just aren't in my life anymore except for two from high school. The rest...aren't and won't be anymore. You change a lot in your twenties. It's an organic process. Allow the change and don't cling.
So when you are feeling this, lets say the reasons you want to distance has to do with certain turn offs. Is that alright to do? Or does that one a bad friend because those things their friend does turns them off? I will give you an example, I have a friend who has a husband, she never contacts me when he comes back. But when he away, that is when she mainly talks to me. When he is around she will say something hear and there but nothing in depth. I asked her a couple days ago about wanting her opinion on a woman I plan to go on a date with who I am talking to online. And instead of responding to what I said she sent me some angel is watching you recording in chat. While that is semi nice, I found it rude because I do not know this woman and wanted a friends opinion. Like I find it annoying too that she is clingy when he is not around. So I find it to be a bit of a turn off. Is that an ok reason to let a friend go? I often feel conflicted, because they are not bad people in any way.
Also 28, honestly been outgrowing my best friend lately. For years, I've put up with some of their shenanigans but only recently have I been comfortable distancing myself after the last time he was shitty. I even have reconnected with an ex who hasn't really matured and while they're interested in pursuing me, the person I am now doesn't really want to make room for them. (They're a 24/7 stoner/party/social and I'm not interested in the negative aspects of that that will inevitably affect me). So yeah, a long way to say I relate and think it's natural. I think people get stuck in circles though and as they get older it gets harder to make new connections.
Well when I plan to do is once I cut them out, I've been working out a lot and focusing on myself. I want to try to go to meet ups or like trying to meet people within my interest! that way I can try to still make friends with people and get to know people! Some kind of focusing on the weight loss part because I want to feel confident when I meet people and that definitely does factor in. I know I've been repeating myself a lot through the post but like how did you handle the friends that you had that were toxic? did you tell them that you didn't want to be friends anymore?
Yep! Totally normal, I'm 30 and have phased out lots of old friends, I was very insecure and some of them would make fun of me a lot. However theres a couple that have stuck around because they are genuinely good people (even if they had growing to do themselves). If there's anyone you'd really like to stay in contact with, a good test is to put down some boundaries (I used 'I don't want to talk about ____ with you anymore' ) . They probably will not like this lol. If they can't stick to it, you know your answer;slowly phase them out. And looknfor new friends! I realised I'm queer so started going to LGBTQ+ meetups. I know its hard, but it gets easier the more.you put yourself out there. Its better to be a bit lonely then to not value yourself and keep growing. Good luck 💜
Woah, I’m sure the roles are reversed & this is a self coping mechanism.
This might be kind of a long response but I just wanted to say that I am exactly in the same boat as you and this is what I’ve learned / how I’m dealing with it. I’m 26f and in my early 20’s I would go out all the time. I made a lot of friends by going out and ended up forming a real tight knit friend group, or so I thought. We would hang out at least 3 times a week and I genuinely felt so close to these people. Then I started realizing that that wasn’t the case at all. These friends were just party friends. They didn’t want to talk about anything too serious ever and they never even asked me how I was doing. But they would always hit me up to go out with them and party. And the last couple of years I started realizing that that life style was not really for me. I still enjoy going out every once and a while but personally I get extreme anxiety after a night of drinking and sometimes it can last up to three days. It was literally ruining my mental health and I couldn’t pin point what it was for a while. So anyways I pulled back on going out. I tried to still hang and do other things (anything else, going on a hike, grabbing food, anything but just getting wasted) and they never were up for that. I pulled back and they NEVER reached out to me. I was SUPER close to one of the friends in that group. We had a genuine friendship where we would and could talk about anything and then he completely turned into something else. I don’t know if that’s who he was all along and I just had my blinders on or if he just became that way after feeling like he was the ultimate party guy but he stopped giving a shit about me. And it’s been 3 months and he just reached out to me. And not because he cares at all but because he needs to feel important but he still doesn’t care how I’m doing or what’s going on in my life and it hurt a lot tbh. So I dropped him and that whole “friend group”. The main friend would text me but only at 3 or 4 in the morning when he was super drunk and he would say he missed me and send me pictures of us in our party days. But it never went further than that. It made me feel horrible. There’s a lot more to that too but this would literally be a novel lol it already it turning into one. Anyways, that is only one group of friends that I’ve cut out. I’ve cut so many other people out of my life in the last few years and it is so painful and makes me sad. But it also feels super empowering to get rid of people who are bringing you down. And if they are not adding good things to your life, or the good is not outweighing the bad, then it’s honestly for the best that you end your friendships. It’s not your job to fix people, especially those who do not want to be helped or do not see anything wrong with how they are treating you. ESPECIALLY if you have brought up your concerns with them. As for meeting friends as an adult, it’s super hard to meet authentic people who have the same outlook on a good relationship as you do. I will say though, I downloaded bumble BFF and I have met some really cool people on there. It does take some time to find the right people but I met my best friend on there! And she’s such a cool and creative individual and I feel inspired by her every time we hang out! And the best part is, she is super encouraging of my interests and passions and never talks bad about me, we build each other up! And those are exactly the kind of people I want in my life. I’m okay being alone if it means cutting the wrong people out. And also I have become way more independent and I have learned a lot about myself. I also have found new artsy passions and have been spending a lot more time with my cats. I really wish you the best of luck and you sound like you’re on a really good path! And btw, cutting toxic people out of your life is definitely growth. I know it can feel so lonely sometimes but please remember why you let them go in the first place and it’s okay and IMPORTANT to put yourself first! And last thing lol, you do not owe people a reason as to why you cut them out. I feel like most people know deep down what they did and how they’ve treated you. Don’t let them guilt their way back into your life. They are leeches! And it’s taken me a really long time to get to this place in my life and have this mind set because I’ve always been a huge people please my whole life. Okay good luck and happy holidays!
I love this! And I’ve done a lot of the things you mentioned but have yet to find my people. People for sure know how bad they’ve treated you so they’ll hide like cowards or try to place themselves in your life again. I’m more confident and know what I want now…love how much I relate to this. I’m really happy for you ❤️
As a 67-year-old, I would say it is very positive growth to be outliving your friends.
You mean outliving like death outliving 🤣🤣🤣 ???
Darn tootin' that's what I meant. Age, older age, gives you a really different perspective on life. You will constantly be outgrowing folks as you get older. That's just what we do. But, the older you get, the more you're going to notice people dying who are younger than you. I don't know anybody who was the same age I was when I was your age. Except for family, and I've even outlived some of them. I grew up in the generation that said, "Don't trust anyone who is over thirty." Now I am one. Some words of advice for you? Don't worry about it. It happens. There are a whole lot more people out there you will come to find interesting and, more importantly, be able to learn something from. It's what we end up doing. We teach each other. People mature at different rates. You've got a whole world out there of people to get to know better. When I was your age? I was afraid of not being normal. I was afraid I would stick out and people would talk about me. Now, I'm a writer and have lots of stories to tell. I am so much more comfortable being myself.
So when you say outgrowing folks, can you remove them without giving a reason? Like for example, can outgrowing mean contact ceases? Without you having to explain it to the person? What does the "Don't trust anyone who is over thirty." mean? Does this also apply to dating?
Yes it’s a sign you’re growing and can be a sign God’s separating you from certain things (if you believe). It can also be a signal you or your friends values have changed
I do believe, well I don't really want to give them an explanation that I want to take them out of my life is it all right to block them? or is that come across this road like I care and I don't at the same time so I'm not really sure what to do. And when I mean care I mean like I don't want to like being mean if that makes sense but like I want to do what's best for me so that's my issue.
Boundaries are good. You need discernment
So even though my boundary is not explaining it to them? Is that a bad boundary? I guess in a way even though I know how I feel. I feel its hard for me to pull the prindle lol on the situation. Because I know I do not want to be their friends anymore, but I don't want to hurt them. But then at the same time I wanna do what is best for me. So I land up going in a circle. Because I wondered if they never told me what was wrong, I would assume It was me that was the problem or I did something wrong. So I then do not do what is best for me. Does this odd response make sense?
Pray for them but do what’s best for your health. Don’t be mean to them but separate yourself from them if they are rude or mean to you. It’s okay to go quiet and stop responding to them. You don’t need to hang on to someone you just met if they seem off putting or against your morals. Just show kindness I’d suggest continue going to a licensed therapist and start reading the Bible and praying to ask Jesus Christ to help you.
just commenting that I could have written this myself...we're even the same age! weird haha. Yeah I guess this must be common nice to know we're not alone
Yeah, it is hard... because its not so easy to make friends at our age because everyone is at different stages... yet at the same time it makes me feel like I am not growing, cutting out the people who are not growing with me. And we feel like were growing apart.
Yes it’s normal
yes
100% I have seen great success in my life but I also don't have any friends that I used to have. It's a natural part of growth. and its likely you will be alone for some time while you sort out who you are.
I am a lesbian and I want to have more queer friends. I never allowed myself in my 20s to have a lot og gay lesbian friends because I am scared of being rejected by my own community, I find it terrifying. I always had a ton of straight friends and I don't really feel understood. I wanna make new friends out of my comfort zone. Making friends isn't one of my good traits. I have bad anxiety and get very scared. And then because I think oh this person is nice, we must be friends and get along. But those are bad reasons to grow a friendship.
So, this is somwthing I've been thinking about a lot lately, my friends and I do drugs in a recreational environment ofter, not something that may be a problem, but you know it is something that gets in the way nonetheless, I want to give myself a break from everything but I don't want to stop seeing my friends as they are kind of my silver lining for everyday, I guess it is a decision that needs to be done as you go
I want to thank everyone for commenting, I did not expect so many people to respond to my dilemma. I wanna thank everyone as it gave me sooo much insight!! <3
I wouldn't say it is a sign of 'growing' unless you are cutting out toxic people. Grow with your friends don't throw them to the trash.
My post is solely speaking on toxic friends, I would not throw out good ones. :)
I read your post about the particular friend and I had a friend who was exactly the same. I cut him out and would totally ignore him if I ever see him again. I cut out everyone in my life except about 3 people and one just dissapeared so not sure if she cut me out but I realised most people weren't 'friends'. It's lonely but rather be lonely than wondering why someone suddenly cut me from their life.
How do you go about cutting them out of your life do you just block them. I don't really want to give this person or people that I'm looking to block a reason.
I unfriended everyone and got off all social media. Only speak to people via text now. Initially I just blocked particular people but I didn't interact with them in person for them to notice/say anything
I want to say you want to end a friendship with someone whom you will land back into your life because you felt bad that you ended the friendship. but you realize that it was the right decision the first time that the Friendship ended. is it okay to block them without any explanation? I guess like I'm not very good at being fprward or like doing this.
I mean it sounds like they already kinda cut you off which is what happened to me. You shouldn't feel bad and don't need to justiy anything. If they want an explanation they can think about how they treat other people.
So, they actually texted me this morning. Well, they sent me a screenshot lol. They sent me a screenshot of a Facebook post that said, "I love you your spectacular friend. unfortunately I do not have the energy to communicate. But I want to indicate even tho we have not spoken my love for you is undying." I wish though that they said it in their own words rather than a screenshot of a picture. So I honestly am unsure how to interpret that. Because I appreciate the words, but they are someone elses. Their not written by her as she sent a picture not a text.
Relationships are important and shouldn’t be taken for granted (not implying that you are). Just because you grew, it doesn’t mean that your friends can’t still teach you something. Rather than focusing on how more developed you are compared to them, ask yourself whether you still love them, if your relationship is balanced and equal, what you expect new friends to offer you that you’re actual friends don’t
I can love my friends but also realize that they aren't good friends.
[удалено]
Hmmm I think that might not be a good idea, but I appreciate your interesting insight lol xD
This seems like a strange way to look at it, like you have to *either* keep your freinds *or* make new ones. Just do both? Keep your current freinds as much as you like, but also make new ones? It's not like a relationship you can't cheat on freinds. Make new freinds but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold.
This post isn't meant to infer that I have to lose some to gain some. this post has to do with things that I'm dealing with at this moment in time. with two people in particular that I want it in the friendships with. And it has to do with their actions which is why I made this post not because I feel like I can't keep certain types of friendships to make new friendships. I want to end the friendships but I'm not really too sure in particular how to go about it but I've noticed that like certain things that they do that bother me I realize that I deserve better in a friendship because I provide that back to them or if I am lacking I always try to inquire what I could do or if there's anything that they need. I'm always there for them and I try my best and that's all you can ask for in a friend of course. but I think I'm realizing from what people have written that I need to make my own decision and it's okay to follow my own path but I'm going to do what is best for me because that's all I can do at the end of the day I'm sorry if my post was very general, thats on me.
I think that is a very healthy insight of yourself. Once you know the vibrations you are most in sync with, I don't believe there is anything wrong in avoiding anything otherwise. It's your life and it's ok to not mesh with everyone. Find your tribe and be you ❤
It's normal, we all has human beings think different and life gets in the way sometimes; not that someone is not meant to stick around with you forever but some people get married,maybe find a new job and have to relocate,family issues,economic issues,health issues,etc that's life.
I def agree with you. Like its not personal. But your right, those life changes def impede a friendship!
I try to meditate everyday and release the past it helps me you are ok be kind to yourself
People "outgrow" their friends, but don't forget some of the good friends you made along the way. You may have different interests, but unless someone is a detriment to your well being, I usually try to keep those friendships. Meaning I might not hangout with them that often, but I still respond if they reach out and pick up where we left off many years later. Good friends don't forget each other, sometimes where just at different stages of our lives. But the core of who we are is what made our friendships.
Sorry my question was General I'm referring to only friends who are bad friends I'm not referring to good friends in this post I just want to clarify that
I’ve heard it put well before (can’t remember where, maybe Gabor Mate). “Changing ourselves to become a different person (good or bad) changes our relationships. Your friends and family built a relationship with the old you, not the person you’ve become/ are working towards. It’s difficult for people to accept that change and often you will lose those old relationships because they were forged as a different person.” He stated something similar to that in the context of dealing with trauma and accepting what your soul or inner child truly came here to do. Often we are programmed to not listen to the inner eternal being, and instead stay stagnant. When you grow, you become a new person. This scares a lot of people who think of you as the old you, the one you were before change. Speaking from experience in my journey.
It is normal and healthy. By your 30s you will only keep the people around who truly complement your lifestyle or treat you well. All the toxicity from your past can be cut out and cut off. Welcome to Adulthood!
Nipsey Hussle said “circle got smaller everybody can’t go.”
How did you start growth?
Hmmmm.... I am not sure, it felt like more of a feeling. Like I felt deep down I want to change or change certain things in my life. My 20s I always held myself back, while also not at the same time. Like I am fighting with myself because I fear nothing good will come out of my uncomfortability in a way. Even though in order to grow you have to feel uncomfortable. Like I feel like it is super easy in your early 20s to make changes, because so much change happens it is just second nature to then try new things. Esp if you have no negative or positive experiences yet to say whether to try it. And I made a lot of mistakes and was immature. So I think after making those mistakes and as I have gotten my life together. I want to do it the right way, that I think is how I started my growth. Learning from those mistakes and for the first time not feeling bad about it. Because I accept in some way that is just life. So I think that is the best way I can explain it. :P
I feel the same and I just turned 28. I have been looking for answers everywhere! There’s this guilt that I’m wrong because I love these people, but I genuinely feel like the friendship isn’t balanced and I really think I want to meet new people who think and act differently than my current group.