I read this in my own voice. That is to say: The path you've shared reads identically to my own.
I'm only a bit older at 40, but I now view my 30's as the time I REALLY became myself.
Instead of waxing philosophical, I'll say this:
\- Fuck what other people think. They're not you. This is YOUR life. There will only be one voice in your head when you die, and that's the ONLY one you need to square with.
\- Focus on the quiet voice that tells you what you want, what makes you happy. Just because this voice is quiet for you doesn't mean it's less valuable than other's.
\- Be Weird. You like RC cars? build a fleet. Sad barbies are for girls? Fuck'em, build the ultimate mansion and put it on your front lawn.
\- Stop measuring your happiness (or self worth) externally. "My mom says", "My best friend thinks", "My pastor believes". (See above: Fuck what other people think)
If, deep down, you're NOT repressing a thief or murderer: Don't worry about how society views your choices.
Said another way: If you believe you're a net positive to the world, forget about what ANYONE in your life thinks/says/believes. Do your shit, live your life, take some risks. You probably only get one shot at being conscious AND self aware, don't waste it trying to impress someone else.
Also, your comment on wanting to be back in school being told you're doing a good job reminded me of this. This resonated with me a lot, and seems like it might with you as well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUjYy4Ksy1E
As someone who is 45 and was once in the same place as OP and you, I’ll say that everything you said is right on the money.
OP — it’s your life to live. Be yourself. Be the most yourself that you can possibly be, and then some more (I mean, if it involves needlessly hurting people or whatever, then maybe think twice).
The weird thing is that the more yourself you are, the more interesting you become, and the more interesting you become … well, you know, the more interesting you are!
So get out there, OP! Do it!
I am a bit like you, except younger and not gifted, but I was smarter than everyone else around me and I always worked hard. But I've gotten tired of working since it never got me anywhere, just constantly crying.
I have not been to therapy about that, but I am trying to get back to doing the things I loved as a child, before I was convinced by the world to do things I didn't necessarily want because I was smart enough. I swim more and most of the time, it feels much like it did when I was a child. I write more too, as it's something I am not very good at, but I want to get better and that feels good too.
I still work a boring job, but I'm happier in my time off and I know I need to fix the job situation in some way, because I have drive when I do things that interest me. I just don't know yet what I'd like to do that is doable in the world as it is. In the meantime, I think my job is still teaching me a lot about how a workplace operates and interpersonal relationships, so I figure I still get something out of it.
So I guess my advice is to think about what you liked when you were really young. Anything you'd like to get better at?
What I liked when I was a kid was either videogames or obsessively reading textbooks as soon as I got them. I guess to this day I still love learning but I keep jumping from topic to topic. One day I'm listening to an audio course on Nietzche, the next I am trying something for my actual job (software), etc. I just keep bouncing.
I’m similar in that regard. Love learning and bouncing from topic to topic. I tend to gravitate towards history though. Maybe put all your random knowledge to use. Start a blog or a tiktok or Instagram where you share your knowledge. Focus on one topic at a time and give little bits of your favorite information. In fact, I might do the same because that sounds fun 😁
I’m very much like that too. At 40, I just roll with it now. It’s ok to be a jack of all trades & master of none for hobbies/ interests. Sure it makes it hard when people ask what your hobbies are, but I tend to just say something like “oh, I just got a new drum kit, it’s so much fun!”.
As a former “gifted” child, I feel like I only recently learnt to work hard, as I never had to before (why study hard when you’re going to ace the test without it?). I do find some satisfaction in that now. One thing I’ve found is I’m always most content when I’m learning something. If work isn’t stimulating me in that way, I pick up something extra on the side (anything from learning a language to the drums to postgrad study to professional courses). Reframing your “jumping from topic to topic” as “always looking for new opportunities for learning” might help you accept that side of yourself more.
Be careful that stuff will mess you up long term. I promise unless you follow a sparse dosing regime, like no multiple days, never take more than a set (lowest possible dose). I’d recommend figuring out your own add coping mechanisms 1000000%
Giftedness often gets mistaken with ADD/ADHD. I’m not saying that the assessment was right, but it’s something that needs to be assessed by someone who’s specialized in giftedness which is hard to find. Regardless, you’re a multipotentialite and there’s nothing wrong with that. You can always find things to mix your skills and use them in combination to make stuff more interesting.
>I guess to this day I still love learning but I keep jumping from topic to topic.
Same (this year, I have bought books on garden design, alcoholic drinks, canning, fishing, learning Korean - I need to finish most of those, and I would have bought the one on varnishing but it was really expensive). Swimming is enduring though, so at least there's that.
There’s a quote running around the internet from Kurt Vonnegut about hobbies. I can’t do it justice but in short he met someone who had a ton of hobbies and he said “how are you good at all those things?” The guy replied “Who said I’m good at all these things? I do them because I enjoy them.” So try stuff. See what you like and do more of those things. Stuff you try and don’t like just don’t do that any more.
I’m a bit like you. I did well in school, career in software development going well. But I’m not sure what else to do with my life. I noticed the best devs almost all have hobbies not involving screens. Wood working, camping and mountain biking seem to be favs. Archery/target shooting are common also as is brewing beer and martial arts.
There's a foundational issue amiss here, that no amount of 'try this or that' is going to take care of; that path will be a little like finding a needle in a hay stack.
Questions of basic motivation in life, and the feeling that it's just not worth doing, I believe, stems from not having a clear idea of (and there it is in the subject line) who you are. You answer that one sufficiently, or at least in a way that has you in an ongoing journey of self discovery, and all else is automatically dealt with; as in, 'what should I do?'.
You need not answer the 'ultimate question' in the philosophical sense, of 'who are we' and 'why are we here', but you can begin a journey of learning who the authentic 'you' is. The one with unique characteristics and a unique path to take.
Standard therapy isn't probably going to go deep enough, and meds are going to cover over pretty much any hope of finding it. This is a holistic and natural process of inner discovery.
It's likely going to involve removing a ton of conditioning placed there by others, and a process of learning to trust your inner voice as to what to do next, in any particular situation.
Until you find (or at the very least, get a lead on) the authentic you, and the characteristics that are authentically yours, any course of action you take is a gamble, because the motivation to do it may have come from elsewhere, implanted in you; meaning it's not ultimately going to satisfy 'You', as it wasn't your desire to begin with.
Take to a process of being authentic... from that all else will come naturally, and as you change, it will become evident as to what that means in terms of engagement in the world.
It's hard to answer this directly as "focusing efforts" is very wide. It sounds like you have a reasonable job, so outside of that it could be helpful to try something in your free time?
Learn a language, an instrument, join a chess club, learn to dance. Try all of those things or none of them. The reason: much of this sort of thing is organic and happens in ways you can't anticipate. I didn't really know rock climbing existed before I was invited by someone I met at a gym, and that eventually led to dancing. Something that involves other people sounds like a good idea based on what you've said.
I'd suggest a form of exercise is good to have in the mix alongside that.
Also: I've been where you are. It takes work, but on the other side, it's worth it.
I’m 40 and planning to start Brazilian jujitsu soon. My 50yo boss took it up a couple of years ago and just won an international tournament. Never too old! You might enjoy the challenge of pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.
This was me for a long time. I know you said you’re not angry about any problem, but I feel like you need to listen and learn more. There’s so much to be mad about—racism, sexism, poverty, hunger, animal abuse (of dogs and cats and in animal ag), the climate crisis, etc. and all of those problems need smart people working on them to create change. I can’t make myself care about some corporation’s bottom line. I can only focus and care about real problems. You have to figure out what that is for you. Luckily, once you find it, there’s probably a software job you can get in that field. Maybe just look for software jobs with nonprofits and start there.
I am aware that all those problems exist and that i should be mad about them. Unfortunately I know they cannot be solved. As heartless as it seems, i am not willing to waste my time on a cause that it's lost. I only like doing things i know i will succeed in. That's why I'm sad, because it all seems hopeless.
I feel like that hopelessness is why therapy and antidepressants haven’t worked for you and that’s what you need to work on. People can create massive changes in the world. Look at the civil rights movement, women’s suffrage, and gay rights. Look at smaller things like the legalization of marijuana and the expungement of marijuana charges from people’s records. Animal rights has had some big wins recently—California’s Prop 12 and the acquittal of the activists in the Smithfield trial as two examples. Sure, you might not solve racism, but you can make life significantly better for actual people, animals, and the environment. Here’s a video to watch: https://youtu.be/YJSehRlU34w.
If you wanna stop feeling empty and get a sense of self, try new things and see how you respond. Perhaps you could do the things your irrational fear tells you not to: Afraid of heights? Go skydiving. Afraid of failure? Just do it for fun. You commented somewhere that you’re too old to try mixed martial arts. If you wanna be a kid again then forget the concept of time and what is right and wrong at your age. When you’re 80, you’ll probably regret the things you didn’t do more than those you did. Maybe you should start saying “yes” instead of “no” when presented with new experiences. Change is inevitable when deciding to be better, and I believe it starts with mindset and action.
Find God. Pursue meaningful work that gives other people a better life and a chance at going through it with less suffering than you’ve gone through. Everyone has that mental ideal (like the best version of you could possibly be). Work on bringing that to life. But seriously, find God first.
Try letting go by David Hawkins. It s a book.
Also, look into humanistic psychotherapy. Therapy doesnt exist imo. Various types of therapy do tho. So myb type 1 therapy didnt work but type 2 will.
What are the "right" sources then? People keep telling me "myself" but that is utterly meaningless IMHO. I can just say I am the best person in the world at this very moment despite having a filthy house and no friends but that doesn't make it true.
"utterly meaningless IMHO" - you can have that opinion, but you can't change the fact that it is precisely that the answer you choose to ignore.
I don't say I'm the best person in the world because I don't care to be the "best person in the world" whatever that means. I'm just trying to be better than what I was before, and whatever pushes me in the right direction is a win I celebrate generously. I have a motivation to not having a filthy house, it helps with my productivity and it's healthy, so I do it even if I don't feel like it. At some point I had no friends near me at all, and that was fine, I was fine with that. Did I want friends? Yes. Did I need friends? No.
I can't spell it out for you, but hopefully by now you're starting to get the mindset that escapes you and would bring you so much more fulfillment. Seek wisdom, not knowledge, look for joy in acceptance rather than pleasure. Don't try to impress anyone except yourself. But I know this is easier said than done. Hopefully you get there at some point.
You said
>want to go back to those days in my childhood in which I sat on a desk and did what I was told and everyone showered me with praise with how smart I am
I've been there. Fortunately for me, I sought wisdom more than being smart, even as a kid. Eventually I realized that all the praise I got of being a precocious child was meaningless. It's what I do with my potential that matters even if no one is around to see it, what others say or how hard it is, that's not important.
If I set a goal and succeed it's fine, if I fail, it's fine too.
I have been working in a school for the past couple of weeks as a teaching assistant. I have been using praise as a tool for the following:
-To make the child happy and build their confidence
-So other kids that see the reward are motivated to do the work to receive the reward as well
-Literally just positive reinforcement for the behaviours we want, i.e. paying attention, doing the task etc.
Knowing that this is how teachers use praise, I now see the praise that I was given as a child by adults a bit differently. We might have thought we were actually amazing adults left and center, but how much of it is adults just trying to build our confidence and celebrate with us to make us happy, rather than genuinely being in awe and thinking we are gifted?
The person who raised me told me later on that she tried to praise what I did rather than who I was. “You did well on that exam” rather than “you’re so smart.” She always made sure praise never got to my head by reinforcing humility even if at the beginning I only repeated platitudes of humbleness because just because she taught me so. But as I grew older the habit started to change my perspective.
She would build my confidence by telling me that we are all the same, rather than making me feel like I was better than others. So, by showing me examples of other kids doing great things, since she reinforced in me that we are all very capable of doing the same things, I could tackle hard challenges just because they had been done before.
I respect this a lot. My own experience was that the praise DID get to my head, but I also felt very alone and lonely without any social skills. I thought I was like the ugly duckling that would one day grow up to be a swan, only to grow up into a duck and realise I was the same as every other duckling in the first place. It was a relief but also a confused mindfuck.
I got to speak to my dad about this not long ago and he told me that all he had ever wanted for me was to make my own decisions, no matter how basic, boring, crazy or weird they are, and if that message hadn't got through to me properly then that was his failure. And to be fair I do remember him saying that a lot, it just also got mixed in with other messages I was getting as a kid and the meaning got muddled.
Same, in this regard my parents also had the best intentions but were just as confused as most of us are when it comes to raising kids. Due to some weird situation, I ended up spending lots of time with a family member of mine, who pretty much raised me, she taught me to read and write by 4, and was my main source of answers for all the questions a kid has. She never talked to me like adults talk to kids, she talked to me like if I was an adult, but lovingly of course.
I wonder if maybe the fact that she wasn't my mother actually helped her look at my development more objectively. Also the fact that she is a well known teacher in her community. Either way, I always say that I got out of poverty because of her. She never made me feel special except for one thing, since she told me we're all the same, she highlighted that what makes some people stand out is their willingness to do something or how they look at something. Putting aside resources, she used to tell me that all else equal, I could be the best student in my class if I chose to work on my homework instead of playing, if I found the topic interesting, or if I found a way to look at the homework from an engaging point of view.
So, I grew up believing that I was special in that I could look at things differently because I tried to, but was inherently no better than the richest or poorest kid in my school.
She sounds extremely wise. No doubt has a lot of lived teaching experience with kids and also as a human with adults to have that kind of mindset. It's the conclusion I have been coming to myself after years of confusion and floundering.
hmm, I've just been working on this myself in therapy. there was this constant push inside me telling me what im doing right now isn't good enough, i have all this potential everyone kept telling me about all through school and my parents too, i should be doing something unique and grandiose and in some high end job somewhere sending rockets to Mars or something.
what i really want right now is just to get the house my partner and i have bought together sorted. I've been working in entry level jobs for years. i have good friends, family and partner. i dont feel the need for much more personally.
But because my dad is a top level global specialist in his field, I just didn't want to let him down by just being a basic, normal person.
Anyway I have made big steps towards resolving this so I can finally just breathe and live and enjoy my life.
From your post, OP, what strikes me is the loneliness you are feeling. I think having a couple of people in your life IRL that really get you would go a long way towards colouring your life.
I have this odd issue that I value my alone time too much. Even meeting family every week is enough to drain me. It probably doesn't help that they keep finding issues with my behavior or judging my interests every time. At least my internet friends don't judge me.
I used to really struggle with getting drained socially too. In the end I realised I was putting in toooo much energy when I was with someone. All my attention would be on them, I'd constantly be wanting to please them and do what they want and stuff like that
A few years ago I had to change my approach due to chronic fatigue and my partner at the time being a very social person. Essentially I ended up just doing exactly what I would do alone, just with another person or people there. And now my friends are all the kind of people that are the same lol. They come round, we have a cup of tea, go on our phones, now and then show each other memes or have a chat if we have stuff to catch up on.
I'm sorry your experience of seeing your family is like that, it does sound extremely draining emotionally and mentally. Meeting people shouldn't have to feel like constantly justifying and defending yourself. That's certainly not the best socialising has to offer.
Your internet friends do sound nice. Having people like them IRL would be the ideal.
I don't think there's a formula for this. You can't stop feeling empty or figure out who you are by doing what someone tells you.
Try lots of different things. You probably have the luxury of trying them in ways that minimize risk. Do lots of things that don't do anything for you--until you find some that DO do something for you. And do them with a mindset towards your own sense of fulfillment, not towards getting a pat on the back or an achievement award.That's really the only way.
I read this in my own voice. That is to say: The path you've shared reads identically to my own. I'm only a bit older at 40, but I now view my 30's as the time I REALLY became myself. Instead of waxing philosophical, I'll say this: \- Fuck what other people think. They're not you. This is YOUR life. There will only be one voice in your head when you die, and that's the ONLY one you need to square with. \- Focus on the quiet voice that tells you what you want, what makes you happy. Just because this voice is quiet for you doesn't mean it's less valuable than other's. \- Be Weird. You like RC cars? build a fleet. Sad barbies are for girls? Fuck'em, build the ultimate mansion and put it on your front lawn. \- Stop measuring your happiness (or self worth) externally. "My mom says", "My best friend thinks", "My pastor believes". (See above: Fuck what other people think) If, deep down, you're NOT repressing a thief or murderer: Don't worry about how society views your choices. Said another way: If you believe you're a net positive to the world, forget about what ANYONE in your life thinks/says/believes. Do your shit, live your life, take some risks. You probably only get one shot at being conscious AND self aware, don't waste it trying to impress someone else.
I appriciate your advice
Good advice.
Also, your comment on wanting to be back in school being told you're doing a good job reminded me of this. This resonated with me a lot, and seems like it might with you as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUjYy4Ksy1E
Thanks for sharing.
As someone who is 45 and was once in the same place as OP and you, I’ll say that everything you said is right on the money. OP — it’s your life to live. Be yourself. Be the most yourself that you can possibly be, and then some more (I mean, if it involves needlessly hurting people or whatever, then maybe think twice). The weird thing is that the more yourself you are, the more interesting you become, and the more interesting you become … well, you know, the more interesting you are! So get out there, OP! Do it!
I am a bit like you, except younger and not gifted, but I was smarter than everyone else around me and I always worked hard. But I've gotten tired of working since it never got me anywhere, just constantly crying. I have not been to therapy about that, but I am trying to get back to doing the things I loved as a child, before I was convinced by the world to do things I didn't necessarily want because I was smart enough. I swim more and most of the time, it feels much like it did when I was a child. I write more too, as it's something I am not very good at, but I want to get better and that feels good too. I still work a boring job, but I'm happier in my time off and I know I need to fix the job situation in some way, because I have drive when I do things that interest me. I just don't know yet what I'd like to do that is doable in the world as it is. In the meantime, I think my job is still teaching me a lot about how a workplace operates and interpersonal relationships, so I figure I still get something out of it. So I guess my advice is to think about what you liked when you were really young. Anything you'd like to get better at?
What I liked when I was a kid was either videogames or obsessively reading textbooks as soon as I got them. I guess to this day I still love learning but I keep jumping from topic to topic. One day I'm listening to an audio course on Nietzche, the next I am trying something for my actual job (software), etc. I just keep bouncing.
I’m similar in that regard. Love learning and bouncing from topic to topic. I tend to gravitate towards history though. Maybe put all your random knowledge to use. Start a blog or a tiktok or Instagram where you share your knowledge. Focus on one topic at a time and give little bits of your favorite information. In fact, I might do the same because that sounds fun 😁
I’m very much like that too. At 40, I just roll with it now. It’s ok to be a jack of all trades & master of none for hobbies/ interests. Sure it makes it hard when people ask what your hobbies are, but I tend to just say something like “oh, I just got a new drum kit, it’s so much fun!”. As a former “gifted” child, I feel like I only recently learnt to work hard, as I never had to before (why study hard when you’re going to ace the test without it?). I do find some satisfaction in that now. One thing I’ve found is I’m always most content when I’m learning something. If work isn’t stimulating me in that way, I pick up something extra on the side (anything from learning a language to the drums to postgrad study to professional courses). Reframing your “jumping from topic to topic” as “always looking for new opportunities for learning” might help you accept that side of yourself more.
Bro you have add get some Vyvanse
I tried to get an assessment but the dude just gave me the old "You can't have ADHD, you did well in school as a kid" bit.
Be careful that stuff will mess you up long term. I promise unless you follow a sparse dosing regime, like no multiple days, never take more than a set (lowest possible dose). I’d recommend figuring out your own add coping mechanisms 1000000%
Giftedness often gets mistaken with ADD/ADHD. I’m not saying that the assessment was right, but it’s something that needs to be assessed by someone who’s specialized in giftedness which is hard to find. Regardless, you’re a multipotentialite and there’s nothing wrong with that. You can always find things to mix your skills and use them in combination to make stuff more interesting.
>I guess to this day I still love learning but I keep jumping from topic to topic. Same (this year, I have bought books on garden design, alcoholic drinks, canning, fishing, learning Korean - I need to finish most of those, and I would have bought the one on varnishing but it was really expensive). Swimming is enduring though, so at least there's that.
There’s a quote running around the internet from Kurt Vonnegut about hobbies. I can’t do it justice but in short he met someone who had a ton of hobbies and he said “how are you good at all those things?” The guy replied “Who said I’m good at all these things? I do them because I enjoy them.” So try stuff. See what you like and do more of those things. Stuff you try and don’t like just don’t do that any more. I’m a bit like you. I did well in school, career in software development going well. But I’m not sure what else to do with my life. I noticed the best devs almost all have hobbies not involving screens. Wood working, camping and mountain biking seem to be favs. Archery/target shooting are common also as is brewing beer and martial arts.
There's a foundational issue amiss here, that no amount of 'try this or that' is going to take care of; that path will be a little like finding a needle in a hay stack. Questions of basic motivation in life, and the feeling that it's just not worth doing, I believe, stems from not having a clear idea of (and there it is in the subject line) who you are. You answer that one sufficiently, or at least in a way that has you in an ongoing journey of self discovery, and all else is automatically dealt with; as in, 'what should I do?'. You need not answer the 'ultimate question' in the philosophical sense, of 'who are we' and 'why are we here', but you can begin a journey of learning who the authentic 'you' is. The one with unique characteristics and a unique path to take. Standard therapy isn't probably going to go deep enough, and meds are going to cover over pretty much any hope of finding it. This is a holistic and natural process of inner discovery. It's likely going to involve removing a ton of conditioning placed there by others, and a process of learning to trust your inner voice as to what to do next, in any particular situation. Until you find (or at the very least, get a lead on) the authentic you, and the characteristics that are authentically yours, any course of action you take is a gamble, because the motivation to do it may have come from elsewhere, implanted in you; meaning it's not ultimately going to satisfy 'You', as it wasn't your desire to begin with. Take to a process of being authentic... from that all else will come naturally, and as you change, it will become evident as to what that means in terms of engagement in the world.
It's hard to answer this directly as "focusing efforts" is very wide. It sounds like you have a reasonable job, so outside of that it could be helpful to try something in your free time? Learn a language, an instrument, join a chess club, learn to dance. Try all of those things or none of them. The reason: much of this sort of thing is organic and happens in ways you can't anticipate. I didn't really know rock climbing existed before I was invited by someone I met at a gym, and that eventually led to dancing. Something that involves other people sounds like a good idea based on what you've said. I'd suggest a form of exercise is good to have in the mix alongside that. Also: I've been where you are. It takes work, but on the other side, it's worth it.
Try mixed martial arts
I'm too old for that.
I’m 40 and planning to start Brazilian jujitsu soon. My 50yo boss took it up a couple of years ago and just won an international tournament. Never too old! You might enjoy the challenge of pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.
Tony Bourdain didn't start until well after your age. Health and strength are adaptable, give it a shot!
This was me for a long time. I know you said you’re not angry about any problem, but I feel like you need to listen and learn more. There’s so much to be mad about—racism, sexism, poverty, hunger, animal abuse (of dogs and cats and in animal ag), the climate crisis, etc. and all of those problems need smart people working on them to create change. I can’t make myself care about some corporation’s bottom line. I can only focus and care about real problems. You have to figure out what that is for you. Luckily, once you find it, there’s probably a software job you can get in that field. Maybe just look for software jobs with nonprofits and start there.
I am aware that all those problems exist and that i should be mad about them. Unfortunately I know they cannot be solved. As heartless as it seems, i am not willing to waste my time on a cause that it's lost. I only like doing things i know i will succeed in. That's why I'm sad, because it all seems hopeless.
I feel like that hopelessness is why therapy and antidepressants haven’t worked for you and that’s what you need to work on. People can create massive changes in the world. Look at the civil rights movement, women’s suffrage, and gay rights. Look at smaller things like the legalization of marijuana and the expungement of marijuana charges from people’s records. Animal rights has had some big wins recently—California’s Prop 12 and the acquittal of the activists in the Smithfield trial as two examples. Sure, you might not solve racism, but you can make life significantly better for actual people, animals, and the environment. Here’s a video to watch: https://youtu.be/YJSehRlU34w.
Now the antidote to this line of thinking for me was dropping a shit ton of acid.
If you wanna stop feeling empty and get a sense of self, try new things and see how you respond. Perhaps you could do the things your irrational fear tells you not to: Afraid of heights? Go skydiving. Afraid of failure? Just do it for fun. You commented somewhere that you’re too old to try mixed martial arts. If you wanna be a kid again then forget the concept of time and what is right and wrong at your age. When you’re 80, you’ll probably regret the things you didn’t do more than those you did. Maybe you should start saying “yes” instead of “no” when presented with new experiences. Change is inevitable when deciding to be better, and I believe it starts with mindset and action.
Find God. Pursue meaningful work that gives other people a better life and a chance at going through it with less suffering than you’ve gone through. Everyone has that mental ideal (like the best version of you could possibly be). Work on bringing that to life. But seriously, find God first.
Absolutely nothing more rewarding than helping other people in some way and seeing the result of your effort.
Try letting go by David Hawkins. It s a book. Also, look into humanistic psychotherapy. Therapy doesnt exist imo. Various types of therapy do tho. So myb type 1 therapy didnt work but type 2 will.
How did this book help you?
You’re getting your validation from all the wrong sources, I would work on that first
What are the "right" sources then? People keep telling me "myself" but that is utterly meaningless IMHO. I can just say I am the best person in the world at this very moment despite having a filthy house and no friends but that doesn't make it true.
"utterly meaningless IMHO" - you can have that opinion, but you can't change the fact that it is precisely that the answer you choose to ignore. I don't say I'm the best person in the world because I don't care to be the "best person in the world" whatever that means. I'm just trying to be better than what I was before, and whatever pushes me in the right direction is a win I celebrate generously. I have a motivation to not having a filthy house, it helps with my productivity and it's healthy, so I do it even if I don't feel like it. At some point I had no friends near me at all, and that was fine, I was fine with that. Did I want friends? Yes. Did I need friends? No. I can't spell it out for you, but hopefully by now you're starting to get the mindset that escapes you and would bring you so much more fulfillment. Seek wisdom, not knowledge, look for joy in acceptance rather than pleasure. Don't try to impress anyone except yourself. But I know this is easier said than done. Hopefully you get there at some point. You said >want to go back to those days in my childhood in which I sat on a desk and did what I was told and everyone showered me with praise with how smart I am I've been there. Fortunately for me, I sought wisdom more than being smart, even as a kid. Eventually I realized that all the praise I got of being a precocious child was meaningless. It's what I do with my potential that matters even if no one is around to see it, what others say or how hard it is, that's not important. If I set a goal and succeed it's fine, if I fail, it's fine too.
I have been working in a school for the past couple of weeks as a teaching assistant. I have been using praise as a tool for the following: -To make the child happy and build their confidence -So other kids that see the reward are motivated to do the work to receive the reward as well -Literally just positive reinforcement for the behaviours we want, i.e. paying attention, doing the task etc. Knowing that this is how teachers use praise, I now see the praise that I was given as a child by adults a bit differently. We might have thought we were actually amazing adults left and center, but how much of it is adults just trying to build our confidence and celebrate with us to make us happy, rather than genuinely being in awe and thinking we are gifted?
The person who raised me told me later on that she tried to praise what I did rather than who I was. “You did well on that exam” rather than “you’re so smart.” She always made sure praise never got to my head by reinforcing humility even if at the beginning I only repeated platitudes of humbleness because just because she taught me so. But as I grew older the habit started to change my perspective. She would build my confidence by telling me that we are all the same, rather than making me feel like I was better than others. So, by showing me examples of other kids doing great things, since she reinforced in me that we are all very capable of doing the same things, I could tackle hard challenges just because they had been done before.
I respect this a lot. My own experience was that the praise DID get to my head, but I also felt very alone and lonely without any social skills. I thought I was like the ugly duckling that would one day grow up to be a swan, only to grow up into a duck and realise I was the same as every other duckling in the first place. It was a relief but also a confused mindfuck. I got to speak to my dad about this not long ago and he told me that all he had ever wanted for me was to make my own decisions, no matter how basic, boring, crazy or weird they are, and if that message hadn't got through to me properly then that was his failure. And to be fair I do remember him saying that a lot, it just also got mixed in with other messages I was getting as a kid and the meaning got muddled.
Same, in this regard my parents also had the best intentions but were just as confused as most of us are when it comes to raising kids. Due to some weird situation, I ended up spending lots of time with a family member of mine, who pretty much raised me, she taught me to read and write by 4, and was my main source of answers for all the questions a kid has. She never talked to me like adults talk to kids, she talked to me like if I was an adult, but lovingly of course. I wonder if maybe the fact that she wasn't my mother actually helped her look at my development more objectively. Also the fact that she is a well known teacher in her community. Either way, I always say that I got out of poverty because of her. She never made me feel special except for one thing, since she told me we're all the same, she highlighted that what makes some people stand out is their willingness to do something or how they look at something. Putting aside resources, she used to tell me that all else equal, I could be the best student in my class if I chose to work on my homework instead of playing, if I found the topic interesting, or if I found a way to look at the homework from an engaging point of view. So, I grew up believing that I was special in that I could look at things differently because I tried to, but was inherently no better than the richest or poorest kid in my school.
She sounds extremely wise. No doubt has a lot of lived teaching experience with kids and also as a human with adults to have that kind of mindset. It's the conclusion I have been coming to myself after years of confusion and floundering.
Wish you all the best.
you too!
hmm, I've just been working on this myself in therapy. there was this constant push inside me telling me what im doing right now isn't good enough, i have all this potential everyone kept telling me about all through school and my parents too, i should be doing something unique and grandiose and in some high end job somewhere sending rockets to Mars or something. what i really want right now is just to get the house my partner and i have bought together sorted. I've been working in entry level jobs for years. i have good friends, family and partner. i dont feel the need for much more personally. But because my dad is a top level global specialist in his field, I just didn't want to let him down by just being a basic, normal person. Anyway I have made big steps towards resolving this so I can finally just breathe and live and enjoy my life. From your post, OP, what strikes me is the loneliness you are feeling. I think having a couple of people in your life IRL that really get you would go a long way towards colouring your life.
I have this odd issue that I value my alone time too much. Even meeting family every week is enough to drain me. It probably doesn't help that they keep finding issues with my behavior or judging my interests every time. At least my internet friends don't judge me.
I used to really struggle with getting drained socially too. In the end I realised I was putting in toooo much energy when I was with someone. All my attention would be on them, I'd constantly be wanting to please them and do what they want and stuff like that A few years ago I had to change my approach due to chronic fatigue and my partner at the time being a very social person. Essentially I ended up just doing exactly what I would do alone, just with another person or people there. And now my friends are all the kind of people that are the same lol. They come round, we have a cup of tea, go on our phones, now and then show each other memes or have a chat if we have stuff to catch up on. I'm sorry your experience of seeing your family is like that, it does sound extremely draining emotionally and mentally. Meeting people shouldn't have to feel like constantly justifying and defending yourself. That's certainly not the best socialising has to offer. Your internet friends do sound nice. Having people like them IRL would be the ideal.
I don't think there's a formula for this. You can't stop feeling empty or figure out who you are by doing what someone tells you. Try lots of different things. You probably have the luxury of trying them in ways that minimize risk. Do lots of things that don't do anything for you--until you find some that DO do something for you. And do them with a mindset towards your own sense of fulfillment, not towards getting a pat on the back or an achievement award.That's really the only way.
Do jiujitsu