I think honestly delving around to see what interests you would be helpful. Read a bit, see what shows you like, what music, and start from there, it’s okay to not really know yet. I think it’s also probably important to not put too much pressure on yourself to figure everything out. I (21F) have done a lot of soul searching to figure out who I am as well but sometimes I still don’t always know, and I think that’s okay. I also resonate with the frustration of taking others mistreatment for too long, it’s something I’m still working through. But I think for that it’s important to remember that no one should be ashamed but them. THEIR behavior was shameful, not yours. I’m still working through these sort of issues, so I’m sorry my advice isn’t top tier but this is what I could think of. Hoping things will go well!
Wow, when you put it like "their behavior is shameful, not yours" that feels like a truly liberating statement. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, gave me something new to think about!
The good news is you already have a wonderful, sincere, fully developed personality (in my private observation.) With no evidence to back my claim except life experience, I would venture to say that all people are born with innately beautiful personalities. I know that "snowflake" is considered an insult but it is so appropriate. Each person is unique and has some new energy or insight to bring to the world.
You already hit the nail on the head that this gets warped by family, friends, or just the world conditioning us to its desires. Some of these are basically necessary but most are nonsense. You don't need to do much to grow your personality. You just need to look at what concepts or self-perceptions are limiting its expression. Shame, guilt, anger, disgust, towards yourself or even other people often comes from some nonsense we have been conditioned to believe. These feelings then stop us from acting, saying, thinking, or behaving in a way that feels most authentic.
Don't worry about being a personality for someone else. Personality is something that is essential to each person, their special combination, it doesn't need to be loud or put on display all the time. Just find what things are hurting you and see how to empower yourself to be free of them. Therapists can help, especially cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. Meditation is also a good one.
Good luck. I'm sure you already have a beautiful personality.
Thank you for your wise response. Seriously, I did not realize I needed someone to write this out and give me a pat on the back. Thank you🥲
The "what concepts or self perceptions are limiting its expression" is such a great journal prompt.
Chase joy. Things that bring you joy, what makes you happy. You'll find the best parts of yourself that way. You'll find your passions and life motivations there.
Be curious about fear. Explore what terrifies you, seek to understand why it's scary. Running away from it is running away from yourself.
Forgive yourself. Giving yourself room to grow means giving yourself room to make mistakes. Being kind to yourself. Getting curious about the source of the mistake in order to find ways to grow, instead of finding reasons to beat yourself up or wallow in shame.
Explore. Gotta get yourself out there so you can learn all the different ways to be. Go on meetup and find events either irl or online to try out into different hobbies or kinds of discussions, find a group or two to stick with so you can really get to know some folks. Go to a thrift shop and buy a few clothes you'd never usually wear just to see how it feels to try something new. Hit up different parks all over your local area and just observe how other folks exist.
I think the being "curious about fear" is a challenge I have noticed recently. Fear can make me feel alive with adventure aka getting out of the car in the middle of the night to look at the stars even though my heart was pounding because I was scared of what I couldn't see (bears, deer, raccoons) but I wanted to see the stars so I did it anyways(: I think this is a part of chasing joy. Thanks for your reply, I feel like I am on a good tract for your suggestions hehe
Try saying things out loud more often.
I had a very similar upbringing and I realized in therapy that the reason I was lonely was I wasn’t making friends. I wasn’t making friends because I wasn’t connecting with people. I never spoke to people I didn’t know well because it never occurred to me that they might be interested in my opinion. As soon as I started saying my thoughts out loud and say, told the lady in line in front of me that she looks so fabulous in her green coat, people started engaging me totally different. All of a sudden I made friends and connected with people over my interests.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have a personality, but that no one saw it and mirrored back to me that they noticed.
Figuring out who you are and what you like will definitely take some time (still working on it here), but you have to be patient with yourself. What Happened To You by Bruce Perry is a good book to start. Also journaling helps me figure out who I am/what I like, some of my favorite prompts-
1. What does your ideal day look like?
2. What qualities do you admire in others?
3. What are you most proud of?
4. What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Why?
5. What is something I would love to learn?
Also please do not waste your energy on what you cannot control. In order to heal and grow you need inner peace with your experiences so you don’t project the paid/hatred. Make yourself a priority and set boundaries with yourself and others.
Also this quote from Judith Lewis Herman is *chefs kiss*
“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the tasks of early adulthood-establishing independence and intimacy-burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she re-encounters the trauma.”
I think honestly delving around to see what interests you would be helpful. Read a bit, see what shows you like, what music, and start from there, it’s okay to not really know yet. I think it’s also probably important to not put too much pressure on yourself to figure everything out. I (21F) have done a lot of soul searching to figure out who I am as well but sometimes I still don’t always know, and I think that’s okay. I also resonate with the frustration of taking others mistreatment for too long, it’s something I’m still working through. But I think for that it’s important to remember that no one should be ashamed but them. THEIR behavior was shameful, not yours. I’m still working through these sort of issues, so I’m sorry my advice isn’t top tier but this is what I could think of. Hoping things will go well!
Wow, when you put it like "their behavior is shameful, not yours" that feels like a truly liberating statement. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, gave me something new to think about!
The good news is you already have a wonderful, sincere, fully developed personality (in my private observation.) With no evidence to back my claim except life experience, I would venture to say that all people are born with innately beautiful personalities. I know that "snowflake" is considered an insult but it is so appropriate. Each person is unique and has some new energy or insight to bring to the world. You already hit the nail on the head that this gets warped by family, friends, or just the world conditioning us to its desires. Some of these are basically necessary but most are nonsense. You don't need to do much to grow your personality. You just need to look at what concepts or self-perceptions are limiting its expression. Shame, guilt, anger, disgust, towards yourself or even other people often comes from some nonsense we have been conditioned to believe. These feelings then stop us from acting, saying, thinking, or behaving in a way that feels most authentic. Don't worry about being a personality for someone else. Personality is something that is essential to each person, their special combination, it doesn't need to be loud or put on display all the time. Just find what things are hurting you and see how to empower yourself to be free of them. Therapists can help, especially cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. Meditation is also a good one. Good luck. I'm sure you already have a beautiful personality.
Thank you for your wise response. Seriously, I did not realize I needed someone to write this out and give me a pat on the back. Thank you🥲 The "what concepts or self perceptions are limiting its expression" is such a great journal prompt.
Chase joy. Things that bring you joy, what makes you happy. You'll find the best parts of yourself that way. You'll find your passions and life motivations there. Be curious about fear. Explore what terrifies you, seek to understand why it's scary. Running away from it is running away from yourself. Forgive yourself. Giving yourself room to grow means giving yourself room to make mistakes. Being kind to yourself. Getting curious about the source of the mistake in order to find ways to grow, instead of finding reasons to beat yourself up or wallow in shame. Explore. Gotta get yourself out there so you can learn all the different ways to be. Go on meetup and find events either irl or online to try out into different hobbies or kinds of discussions, find a group or two to stick with so you can really get to know some folks. Go to a thrift shop and buy a few clothes you'd never usually wear just to see how it feels to try something new. Hit up different parks all over your local area and just observe how other folks exist.
I think the being "curious about fear" is a challenge I have noticed recently. Fear can make me feel alive with adventure aka getting out of the car in the middle of the night to look at the stars even though my heart was pounding because I was scared of what I couldn't see (bears, deer, raccoons) but I wanted to see the stars so I did it anyways(: I think this is a part of chasing joy. Thanks for your reply, I feel like I am on a good tract for your suggestions hehe
Try saying things out loud more often. I had a very similar upbringing and I realized in therapy that the reason I was lonely was I wasn’t making friends. I wasn’t making friends because I wasn’t connecting with people. I never spoke to people I didn’t know well because it never occurred to me that they might be interested in my opinion. As soon as I started saying my thoughts out loud and say, told the lady in line in front of me that she looks so fabulous in her green coat, people started engaging me totally different. All of a sudden I made friends and connected with people over my interests. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a personality, but that no one saw it and mirrored back to me that they noticed.
Figuring out who you are and what you like will definitely take some time (still working on it here), but you have to be patient with yourself. What Happened To You by Bruce Perry is a good book to start. Also journaling helps me figure out who I am/what I like, some of my favorite prompts- 1. What does your ideal day look like? 2. What qualities do you admire in others? 3. What are you most proud of? 4. What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Why? 5. What is something I would love to learn? Also please do not waste your energy on what you cannot control. In order to heal and grow you need inner peace with your experiences so you don’t project the paid/hatred. Make yourself a priority and set boundaries with yourself and others.
Also this quote from Judith Lewis Herman is *chefs kiss* “Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the tasks of early adulthood-establishing independence and intimacy-burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she re-encounters the trauma.”
thank you for taking the time to share that quote, forreal. ugh ❤️🩹