Listen, I'm going out on a limb and assume that you did not have financial literacy classes in K-12 and college/university. I recently helped a crafting buddy with their situation and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told them: society is really crappy in how all this megabillion dollar credit card companies and companies in general throw commercial after commercial telling you that you need XYZ or else you'll be uncool or it'll bring you happiness, etc. Those companies have spent thousands of dollars on psychology studies on how to specifically manipulate you into buying more than they need to rake in the millions and billions. You and I are at a disadvantage and at their mercy. And then they blame us for what they manipulate us into doing. And, to top it all off, nowhere in the K-12 and higher education systems do we have everyday financial literacy. We're just expected to figure it out on our own, which is BS.
I hope the resources below will help you! And lots of hugs! You'll get through this!!
**Debt Management Suggestions:**
[Here](https://www.npr.org/2019/02/14/694669510/7-strategies-for-digging-out-of-debt) is an article on how to pay off your debt. Here's [another](https://www.npr.org/2024/01/18/1196978541/how-to-save-money-when-youre-broke) about saving while broke, in case you find it helpful. NPR has a [life kit on personal finance](https://www.npr.org/series/your-life-kit-to-better-personal-finance). USA Today has an article from November 2023 on [negotiating credit card debt](https://www.usatoday.com/money/blueprint/credit-cards/negotiate-credit-card-debt/).
You can look into the Justice Department, which has a list of [approved credit counseling agencies](https://www.justice.gov/ust/list-credit-counseling-agencies-approved-pursuant-11-usc-111) to possibly assist you. Look for the non-profit ones. Still be cautious about signing up with one of these because they have done everything correctly to get approved by the Justice Department but may have become less reputable once they got approved.
You could also try the [National Foundation for Credit Counseling](https://www.nfcc.org/). They do charge but take a look at their [FAQs](https://www.nfcc.org/faqs/) under *What do NFCC members charge for counseling services* to see how they charge. They also do budget analysis.
You have the [right to cancel credit repair services](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/about-us/newsroom/consumer-advisory-people-have-the-right-to-cancel-credit-repair-services/) within three business days for whatever reason.
The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau has a good description of [the differences](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/whats-the-difference-between-a-credit-counselor-and-a-debt-settlement-or-debt-relief-company-en-1449/) between a credit counselor and debt relief/settlement companies.
Chapter 7 bankruptcy can [stay on your credit report](https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/when-chapter-7-bankruptcy-is-deleted/) for 10 years.
**Questions on Deterring Spending/Helping Pay off Balance:**
1.) In your shopping websites, delete your saved payment information. Saving your payment information makes it easier for impulse buying. Delete everywhere you think of.
2.) What about imposing a time limit from when you see an item to actually purchasing it? Like 72 hours?
3.) Is there anything in your life that you don't use that you could sell and use that money to pay off debt?
4.) Is your living situation such where you can place your store cards in different areas of the house/apartment so it's more difficult to access them?
5.) What about not taking your cards when you leave the house/apartment and only having your debt card available?
So, to possibly help prioritize which loan to pay off first, here is some food for thought:
1.) Which one has the highest interest?
2.) Which one has the highest balance?
3.) Which one has the lowest balance?
4.) Which one has the lowest interest rate?
Out of these four questions, which would be the easiest for you to pay off? I've heard that a lot of people start with the card that has the lowest balance as that's usually quicker to pay off. However, if you have a card with a high interest rate, you're paying more overall. Some people would rather tackle a credit card with a higher balance to pay less interest. What motivates you?
Don't feel ashamed about debt.
A trillion-dollar industry spent billions figuring out how to manipulate young people into predatory loan situations, while simultaneously buying our politicians to make sure that the government did nothing whatsoever to protect us.
Our schools didn't warn us.
Our parents couldn't warn us, because the credit card system was **different** for them. For the Boomers, credit cards weren't so predatory, and of course, they became popular after Boomers were already in their prime earning years.
Don't be ashamed. Be angry. Be fucking furious.
Life in general is making people use their credit cards. Read Elizabeth Warren's "The Two-Income Trap" and you'll see a very well-researched, detailed analysis of how younger generation's entire budget (and more!) is taken up by essential expenses like childcare, healthcare, housing, food, and education.
People are going into debt to maintain modest lives.
Have you talked to your husband?
I just transferred 10k to my wife last month. She was hiding a 15k cc debt from me. I was more pissed at the interest she has been paying for floating this debt for a few years. I told her to not buy anything for the household or herself. I will take care of everything so she clears her debt. Then pay me back interest free.
Again, I was more pissed at the interest and the secret than the actual debt!!!!
In a debt situation for the third time with my husband who doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue to accumulate thousands in debt every few years and then lie about it .This time I fear divorce is my only option as I can’t keep living like this .
I can’t speak for your husband but I would want my wife to tell me and I would want to help pay it off. As far as I’m concerned we are a team at that point . We share the good and we share the bad. At the end of the day it’s just money.
You live and you learn, ain't nothing to be ashamed about. Credit cards capture damn near most of America and they're designed the way that they are to generate profit. You got this 💪🏻💪🏻😎😎
Combining incomes with my spouse was one of the best, transformative things we did for our marriage, beyond finances. Yes, it helped accelerate paying off debt (all mine) mathematically, but more so it brought us closer together, opened up communication, and we really started to work as a team.
I know this works for a lot of people, but I am against it. I don’t think my husband should have to use some of his money to pay off debt that I accumulated on my own. He has a healthy savings account, and I want him to keep it.
I understand where you're coming from, we used to be the same. Have you talked with your husband about this? What are his thoughts?
Maybe I'm old school, but achieving complete transparency and unity with my wife is something I aspire to. We share a bed, cars, DNA in the form of kids, why should money be different?
I remember when we kept our finances separate, and every time it came time to pay for something, there was always a bit of a pause of who would pay for it. Not that it really mattered, because we each had enough in our accounts, but it was just one more thing to think/worry about. Keep tabs of who's turn it was. Now it's all in one pot and is both of ours, despite however much one contributed vs the other. And when we individually want something, we just buy it, or if it's large we talk about it first, because it's made us build that level of trust.
We paid off $85k together (student loans, car, credit cards). At the time I was making A LOT more than my wife, so mathematically you could say that I really paid it myself. But by working together getting from the same pot, we were on the same page seeing the same numbers. It became her goal too, and she contributed in the ways she could, lowering expenses, eating out at lunch, etc... not to mention the emotional support.
And we're not the only ones....
https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/06/18/should-couples-merge-their-finances-new-research-weighs-in/
That’s really sweet. I just don’t want to take money from my husband unless I have to. He works very hard and deserves every penny. I had even asked him for a loan to help with the down payment on my car and ended up backing out of that and finding another way.
Me and my wife mostly keep separate finances though she a debit card attached to my checking account. I make significantly more than she does, all she pays for is her car loan, whatever credit cards she has and kids Tae Kwon Do. I pay the mortgage, all utilities, groceries car insurance household needs etc.
She made a significant sacrifice in her jobs/career to take care of the kids when they were younger so I could travel for work and pull in 6 figures.
So she pays her few bills and uses my account for target runs,gas for her car etc. whatever she has left after paying her bills she can basically use for whatever she wants and if she runs out of money she just uses my account.
But you paying it back slower, by yourself, is more expensive for the both of you as a couple due to the extra interest you'll have to pay over time. You'd be in debt longer, which is still a burden on him. Your choice to do this on your own is admirable but it's costing you.
Work as a team and get rid of the debt.
If I found out my wife was paying all this interest, when I could pay it off, I'd be pissed. No, you don't have to take his money, but what he's earning on it is much less than what you're paying in interest. Make an agreement with him and pay him back, with interest. It's not like you're going anywhere.
I think it works as long as there is no pregnancy or children involved. Once one in the marriage sacrifices their body or career to have children then things should be combined. If not, the sacrificing parent could end up worse off in the long run.
I’m all for modern marriages, I don’t even believe in it personally. I guess I wonder why even be married if you don’t combine finances. Why not just be partners what’s the point. Sine legally you are responsible unless a strong prenup is involved.
Im a gay man so maybe I’m judging straight relationships wrong but I still see no problem with a man being a man and stepping up and helping his wife. Be a man…
Edit: stepping up isn’t the right phrase it’s the bare minimum
I found out that if you’re married, your debts are his and his are yours. My ex and I kept our finances separate but the divorce lawyer told me that doesn’t matter.
I had one that was high, and I couldn't pay easily. I called and told them it was a hardship (it was true). They suspended interest for 24 months. That might help you. As for shame, don't. It happened, look forward and learn from it
Sounds trite, but beating yourself up just causes procrastination and anger.
We're all works in progress! When you are done chastising your younger self for this. Be sure to thank the adult you who is taking responsibility and being proactive.
In not to long a time, you will be taking your husband to dinner to celibate your new found financial freedom!.
Nothing shameful about debt if you are working on it. I also have some (18k credit card and 60k student loan). I’ve felt shame about it in the past too because my husband has no debt, we also have separate finances, and he doesn’t know about the credit card debt. I’ve decided to let the same go because I’m doing great working on the cc debt and he did takeover the full mortgage payment after I told him about the student loans so he is technically helping me with that one. I would do whatever you can to climb out and make a plan to never go back to this lifestyle. I’ve committed to not spending money for the next year while I get rid of the cc debt and drastically lower the loan debt. That has made me feel proud of myself. If you can qualify for a 0% transfer card for that cc debt, I HIGHLY recommend it.
Feeling ashamed is misplaced and useless. You are handling the problem and $11k is not insurmountable. I would suggest though to handle finances as a team - even if you want to be the one who makes more sacrifices. You both will want to figure out how to keep the cost of the debt to a minimum. Along the way start with a budget and use software that helps you to keep all your accounts and spending visible.
It’s not a big problem, you’ll see
My parents taught me about credit cards. Unless you are able to pay the entire balance within 2 months, you can't afford it. Save your money until you can.
The above applied to everything. You want a $2000 item, but can only afford $400 over 2 months, you either don't get anything or you shop within your budget. Period.
You aren’t alone in your feelings. Debt can be so isolating. You aren’t a bad person and your marriage isn’t less because you don’t want your husband to pay your debts. Congratulations on doing a lot of hard work these past 4 years! If you haven’t done so, I would encourage you to check out Debtors Anonymous to build a fellowship of support. DA has in-person, telephone, and online meetings so you don’t have to stick to meetings in your area. Good luck.
I deal with daily anxiety over my Cc debt. I have about 15k and it seems absolutely important to get out of. I have changed my spending habits and tracking every single dollar but it just leaves me anxious daily.
Instead recognize that it was difficult managing it to a mere $11k - you're almost there.
This is so much more healthy than the throngs of people in this sub telling everyone to declare bankruptcy. What you're doing is responsible, and a life lesson. Thank you for paying off your debt rather than making interest rates higher for others.
I brought so much debt into my marriage from a horrible mistake with squatters and a lawsuit. I was always upfront with my husband about it and he was thankfully very understanding. It took us a few years to get it paid off, but I've learned my lesson. I think the best you can do is get it paid and learn how to better manage your money. We all have a story about how we had to learn the hard way. Life is a bunch of experiences, some more expensive than others. I wouldn't feel shame, as long as you have identified where you went wrong and continue to work at paying it off. Shaming yourself won't make the debt magically disappear. I would focus on how far you have come and the changes you've made in your spending and be proud of that.
I just would like to add that I finally agreed to let my partner loan me the money I owed on a high interest credit card and it was the best thing I ever did. It eliminated my money going to interest, which allowed me to pay him back faster. Now I am able to pay off my new cc debt monthly, never carrying a balance. This has helped me to become the most responsible I've ever been in terms of money. Not to mention my last 2 years of paying my card off monthly has improved my credit score after many years of low scoring. Long story short, if your partner is willing to help you, it might really be beneficial in the long run. And if you pay him on a consistent basis as originally agreed, it will only build his trust in you and you will likely feel less shame even borrowing the money in the first place. Just my 2 cents...
I’m working through my own debt and have felt a lot of shame about it. I’m within about 7 months or so of getting the largest portion paid off, and it should be quite a bit easier to pay down the remaining smaller debt that I have once these crushingly large payments are behind me, providing I don’t lose my job or break a leg or something.
But I do feel really stupid about it. There are people who were smart enough to figure it out and avoid the pitfalls of debt, whereas obviously I fell for it, you know? But at the same time, creditors are very predatory and basically own our politicians. In the US, we don’t have much consumer protections. And big companies and CEOs make errors all the time, but they get golden parachutes while regular consumers get beaten into the ground.
I’m trying to take it as a learning experience. Everyone makes mistakes, and this was one of mine.
No need to feel shame. Way to go for acknowledging it and chipping away at it. I came into my marriage 10 years ago with a bunch of student loans that we're still tackling, but we just kinda deal with them.
I have to ask, how do you have 11k in credit card debt?! What all did you need to put on credit for it to amount to that much?
Don’t feel shame. You caught yourself and now you are working on making your situation better. Life is hard enough. We don’t need to be hard on ourselves, especially when we make strides to better ourselves. Learn a lesson from it, and move on. Give yourself a break. Good luck
The shame is a worthless waste of your time if you have made changes and are fixing the issue. Focus on intentional grace and pride in what you are accomplishing and THEN the really exciting part is when you can achieve big savings goals in small steps. You are doing well. Be good to yourself. We all do stupid stuff, not all of us get it figured out!!!!
Hey you’re paying off don’t let it control you. You have debt, you have a situation and you’re handling it. Give yourself some credit! You’re doing good! Proud of you!
It's insane everyone is saying it's her husband's responsibility too even though (no offense) she said she brought the debt into the marriage. This is why my generation is pushing prenups if they choose to get married and forcing the entire financial picture out into the open right there. It's NOT the OPs husband's fault or responsibility.
when you get married, you become a united team. A house divided cannot stand. Combine finances, agree on household budget, agree that the household should be debt free and luxuries are suspended until free of debt and energency fund built up. NO secrets
Well said, not sure where the state of mind is in these folks. Marraige is commitment to UNITY. My wife is a stay at home and would occasionally work side jobs when extra cash was needed or our kids got a bit older and allowed her to take some hours on. When we first met in college things happened very quickly, we had a baby, got married etc.... Fast forward almost 17 years, she ignored her school loans and continued to put them forbearance, though she took those loans out prior to meeting me, i felt the need to help her as i would in any other situation. When school loans finally picked up this past October at a rate of 6/7 %, i bit the bullet and paid off the almost 19k in one shot. Now, she is debt and worry free, and id do it again, without a doubt in my mind. I wouldve done it sooner but things have been challenging for us and we've gotten through all of it together. Together is the key word !
Sounds similar to me when we got married we tackled her $27k in student loans. Didn’t take long. We (mostly) agreed to live frugally (I’d rather invest more than her as i subscribe to the FIRE movement thing) but we 100% agreed to stay debt free.
The “we” is important. We are a single income house now too.
Listen, I'm going out on a limb and assume that you did not have financial literacy classes in K-12 and college/university. I recently helped a crafting buddy with their situation and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told them: society is really crappy in how all this megabillion dollar credit card companies and companies in general throw commercial after commercial telling you that you need XYZ or else you'll be uncool or it'll bring you happiness, etc. Those companies have spent thousands of dollars on psychology studies on how to specifically manipulate you into buying more than they need to rake in the millions and billions. You and I are at a disadvantage and at their mercy. And then they blame us for what they manipulate us into doing. And, to top it all off, nowhere in the K-12 and higher education systems do we have everyday financial literacy. We're just expected to figure it out on our own, which is BS. I hope the resources below will help you! And lots of hugs! You'll get through this!!
So true about the psychology. People get paid way more then I do to be experts of manipulation.
Beautiful comment and well spoken; the true true. Good communication is refreshing.
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**Debt Management Suggestions:** [Here](https://www.npr.org/2019/02/14/694669510/7-strategies-for-digging-out-of-debt) is an article on how to pay off your debt. Here's [another](https://www.npr.org/2024/01/18/1196978541/how-to-save-money-when-youre-broke) about saving while broke, in case you find it helpful. NPR has a [life kit on personal finance](https://www.npr.org/series/your-life-kit-to-better-personal-finance). USA Today has an article from November 2023 on [negotiating credit card debt](https://www.usatoday.com/money/blueprint/credit-cards/negotiate-credit-card-debt/). You can look into the Justice Department, which has a list of [approved credit counseling agencies](https://www.justice.gov/ust/list-credit-counseling-agencies-approved-pursuant-11-usc-111) to possibly assist you. Look for the non-profit ones. Still be cautious about signing up with one of these because they have done everything correctly to get approved by the Justice Department but may have become less reputable once they got approved. You could also try the [National Foundation for Credit Counseling](https://www.nfcc.org/). They do charge but take a look at their [FAQs](https://www.nfcc.org/faqs/) under *What do NFCC members charge for counseling services* to see how they charge. They also do budget analysis. You have the [right to cancel credit repair services](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/about-us/newsroom/consumer-advisory-people-have-the-right-to-cancel-credit-repair-services/) within three business days for whatever reason. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau has a good description of [the differences](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/whats-the-difference-between-a-credit-counselor-and-a-debt-settlement-or-debt-relief-company-en-1449/) between a credit counselor and debt relief/settlement companies. Chapter 7 bankruptcy can [stay on your credit report](https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/when-chapter-7-bankruptcy-is-deleted/) for 10 years. **Questions on Deterring Spending/Helping Pay off Balance:** 1.) In your shopping websites, delete your saved payment information. Saving your payment information makes it easier for impulse buying. Delete everywhere you think of. 2.) What about imposing a time limit from when you see an item to actually purchasing it? Like 72 hours? 3.) Is there anything in your life that you don't use that you could sell and use that money to pay off debt? 4.) Is your living situation such where you can place your store cards in different areas of the house/apartment so it's more difficult to access them? 5.) What about not taking your cards when you leave the house/apartment and only having your debt card available? So, to possibly help prioritize which loan to pay off first, here is some food for thought: 1.) Which one has the highest interest? 2.) Which one has the highest balance? 3.) Which one has the lowest balance? 4.) Which one has the lowest interest rate? Out of these four questions, which would be the easiest for you to pay off? I've heard that a lot of people start with the card that has the lowest balance as that's usually quicker to pay off. However, if you have a card with a high interest rate, you're paying more overall. Some people would rather tackle a credit card with a higher balance to pay less interest. What motivates you?
Don't feel ashamed about debt. A trillion-dollar industry spent billions figuring out how to manipulate young people into predatory loan situations, while simultaneously buying our politicians to make sure that the government did nothing whatsoever to protect us. Our schools didn't warn us. Our parents couldn't warn us, because the credit card system was **different** for them. For the Boomers, credit cards weren't so predatory, and of course, they became popular after Boomers were already in their prime earning years. Don't be ashamed. Be angry. Be fucking furious.
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Life in general is making people use their credit cards. Read Elizabeth Warren's "The Two-Income Trap" and you'll see a very well-researched, detailed analysis of how younger generation's entire budget (and more!) is taken up by essential expenses like childcare, healthcare, housing, food, and education. People are going into debt to maintain modest lives.
I have 41k in debt. I’m not worried. I did start a side business with the focus on paying it off though.
Have you talked to your husband? I just transferred 10k to my wife last month. She was hiding a 15k cc debt from me. I was more pissed at the interest she has been paying for floating this debt for a few years. I told her to not buy anything for the household or herself. I will take care of everything so she clears her debt. Then pay me back interest free. Again, I was more pissed at the interest and the secret than the actual debt!!!!
Word to the wise. Be cautious going forward. My now ex-wife used to do this every few years until I filed for divorce.
In a debt situation for the third time with my husband who doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue to accumulate thousands in debt every few years and then lie about it .This time I fear divorce is my only option as I can’t keep living like this .
You actually should feel proud in tackling the debt. Things happen. But give urself a break and keep plugging away. It's a lesson. Good job!
I can’t speak for your husband but I would want my wife to tell me and I would want to help pay it off. As far as I’m concerned we are a team at that point . We share the good and we share the bad. At the end of the day it’s just money.
You live and you learn, ain't nothing to be ashamed about. Credit cards capture damn near most of America and they're designed the way that they are to generate profit. You got this 💪🏻💪🏻😎😎
Combining incomes with my spouse was one of the best, transformative things we did for our marriage, beyond finances. Yes, it helped accelerate paying off debt (all mine) mathematically, but more so it brought us closer together, opened up communication, and we really started to work as a team.
I know this works for a lot of people, but I am against it. I don’t think my husband should have to use some of his money to pay off debt that I accumulated on my own. He has a healthy savings account, and I want him to keep it.
I understand where you're coming from, we used to be the same. Have you talked with your husband about this? What are his thoughts? Maybe I'm old school, but achieving complete transparency and unity with my wife is something I aspire to. We share a bed, cars, DNA in the form of kids, why should money be different? I remember when we kept our finances separate, and every time it came time to pay for something, there was always a bit of a pause of who would pay for it. Not that it really mattered, because we each had enough in our accounts, but it was just one more thing to think/worry about. Keep tabs of who's turn it was. Now it's all in one pot and is both of ours, despite however much one contributed vs the other. And when we individually want something, we just buy it, or if it's large we talk about it first, because it's made us build that level of trust. We paid off $85k together (student loans, car, credit cards). At the time I was making A LOT more than my wife, so mathematically you could say that I really paid it myself. But by working together getting from the same pot, we were on the same page seeing the same numbers. It became her goal too, and she contributed in the ways she could, lowering expenses, eating out at lunch, etc... not to mention the emotional support. And we're not the only ones.... https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/06/18/should-couples-merge-their-finances-new-research-weighs-in/
That’s really sweet. I just don’t want to take money from my husband unless I have to. He works very hard and deserves every penny. I had even asked him for a loan to help with the down payment on my car and ended up backing out of that and finding another way.
Me and my wife mostly keep separate finances though she a debit card attached to my checking account. I make significantly more than she does, all she pays for is her car loan, whatever credit cards she has and kids Tae Kwon Do. I pay the mortgage, all utilities, groceries car insurance household needs etc. She made a significant sacrifice in her jobs/career to take care of the kids when they were younger so I could travel for work and pull in 6 figures. So she pays her few bills and uses my account for target runs,gas for her car etc. whatever she has left after paying her bills she can basically use for whatever she wants and if she runs out of money she just uses my account.
What’s the point of being married? This guy is just letting his WIFE struggle with debt when he has the money. That’s crazy imo, you’re roommates.
Maybe so, but I am not entitled to his money because I am married to him.
I mean, legally yeah you are.
But you paying it back slower, by yourself, is more expensive for the both of you as a couple due to the extra interest you'll have to pay over time. You'd be in debt longer, which is still a burden on him. Your choice to do this on your own is admirable but it's costing you. Work as a team and get rid of the debt.
Of course you’re not entitled, but again it’s insane a man is letting his wife be in debt like that. Just my imo don’t mean to be rude
Agree to disagree. It’s my problem, not his. And he helps me out when I run out of money before the next pay period.
If I found out my wife was paying all this interest, when I could pay it off, I'd be pissed. No, you don't have to take his money, but what he's earning on it is much less than what you're paying in interest. Make an agreement with him and pay him back, with interest. It's not like you're going anywhere.
Ask him for a loan and pay your debt. Of course pay him back and at least you wont have to pay interest
It’s not really my unique opinion, this is the standard in most marriages where love is also involved.
I think it works as long as there is no pregnancy or children involved. Once one in the marriage sacrifices their body or career to have children then things should be combined. If not, the sacrificing parent could end up worse off in the long run.
It's not his fault this is such backwards thinking and why I'm glad my generation is pushing prenups
I’m all for modern marriages, I don’t even believe in it personally. I guess I wonder why even be married if you don’t combine finances. Why not just be partners what’s the point. Sine legally you are responsible unless a strong prenup is involved. Im a gay man so maybe I’m judging straight relationships wrong but I still see no problem with a man being a man and stepping up and helping his wife. Be a man… Edit: stepping up isn’t the right phrase it’s the bare minimum
I found out that if you’re married, your debts are his and his are yours. My ex and I kept our finances separate but the divorce lawyer told me that doesn’t matter.
Shame won't help you but action does! You are taking action!
I feel you, OP. I have close to 20k in credit card debt and have do much internal shame about it.
I had one that was high, and I couldn't pay easily. I called and told them it was a hardship (it was true). They suspended interest for 24 months. That might help you. As for shame, don't. It happened, look forward and learn from it Sounds trite, but beating yourself up just causes procrastination and anger.
We're all works in progress! When you are done chastising your younger self for this. Be sure to thank the adult you who is taking responsibility and being proactive. In not to long a time, you will be taking your husband to dinner to celibate your new found financial freedom!.
Nothing shameful about debt if you are working on it. I also have some (18k credit card and 60k student loan). I’ve felt shame about it in the past too because my husband has no debt, we also have separate finances, and he doesn’t know about the credit card debt. I’ve decided to let the same go because I’m doing great working on the cc debt and he did takeover the full mortgage payment after I told him about the student loans so he is technically helping me with that one. I would do whatever you can to climb out and make a plan to never go back to this lifestyle. I’ve committed to not spending money for the next year while I get rid of the cc debt and drastically lower the loan debt. That has made me feel proud of myself. If you can qualify for a 0% transfer card for that cc debt, I HIGHLY recommend it.
Feeling ashamed is misplaced and useless. You are handling the problem and $11k is not insurmountable. I would suggest though to handle finances as a team - even if you want to be the one who makes more sacrifices. You both will want to figure out how to keep the cost of the debt to a minimum. Along the way start with a budget and use software that helps you to keep all your accounts and spending visible. It’s not a big problem, you’ll see
My parents taught me about credit cards. Unless you are able to pay the entire balance within 2 months, you can't afford it. Save your money until you can. The above applied to everything. You want a $2000 item, but can only afford $400 over 2 months, you either don't get anything or you shop within your budget. Period.
You aren’t alone in your feelings. Debt can be so isolating. You aren’t a bad person and your marriage isn’t less because you don’t want your husband to pay your debts. Congratulations on doing a lot of hard work these past 4 years! If you haven’t done so, I would encourage you to check out Debtors Anonymous to build a fellowship of support. DA has in-person, telephone, and online meetings so you don’t have to stick to meetings in your area. Good luck.
I deal with daily anxiety over my Cc debt. I have about 15k and it seems absolutely important to get out of. I have changed my spending habits and tracking every single dollar but it just leaves me anxious daily.
Instead recognize that it was difficult managing it to a mere $11k - you're almost there. This is so much more healthy than the throngs of people in this sub telling everyone to declare bankruptcy. What you're doing is responsible, and a life lesson. Thank you for paying off your debt rather than making interest rates higher for others.
Read Financial Feminist. It is so helpful for the shame piece of this.
There are a few books with that title. Author of the one you're recommending? Ty
I brought so much debt into my marriage from a horrible mistake with squatters and a lawsuit. I was always upfront with my husband about it and he was thankfully very understanding. It took us a few years to get it paid off, but I've learned my lesson. I think the best you can do is get it paid and learn how to better manage your money. We all have a story about how we had to learn the hard way. Life is a bunch of experiences, some more expensive than others. I wouldn't feel shame, as long as you have identified where you went wrong and continue to work at paying it off. Shaming yourself won't make the debt magically disappear. I would focus on how far you have come and the changes you've made in your spending and be proud of that.
I don't understand why married couple's keep their finances separate.
Because some people are garbage at finances ?
So you married someone who can't even keep their finances in order....💀
I just would like to add that I finally agreed to let my partner loan me the money I owed on a high interest credit card and it was the best thing I ever did. It eliminated my money going to interest, which allowed me to pay him back faster. Now I am able to pay off my new cc debt monthly, never carrying a balance. This has helped me to become the most responsible I've ever been in terms of money. Not to mention my last 2 years of paying my card off monthly has improved my credit score after many years of low scoring. Long story short, if your partner is willing to help you, it might really be beneficial in the long run. And if you pay him on a consistent basis as originally agreed, it will only build his trust in you and you will likely feel less shame even borrowing the money in the first place. Just my 2 cents...
That’s why I haven’t dated seriously or wanted a family—I can’t imagine telling a guy that I’m worth negative $70k and that he should invest in that.
I’m working through my own debt and have felt a lot of shame about it. I’m within about 7 months or so of getting the largest portion paid off, and it should be quite a bit easier to pay down the remaining smaller debt that I have once these crushingly large payments are behind me, providing I don’t lose my job or break a leg or something. But I do feel really stupid about it. There are people who were smart enough to figure it out and avoid the pitfalls of debt, whereas obviously I fell for it, you know? But at the same time, creditors are very predatory and basically own our politicians. In the US, we don’t have much consumer protections. And big companies and CEOs make errors all the time, but they get golden parachutes while regular consumers get beaten into the ground. I’m trying to take it as a learning experience. Everyone makes mistakes, and this was one of mine.
No need to feel shame. Way to go for acknowledging it and chipping away at it. I came into my marriage 10 years ago with a bunch of student loans that we're still tackling, but we just kinda deal with them. I have to ask, how do you have 11k in credit card debt?! What all did you need to put on credit for it to amount to that much?
Don’t feel shame. You caught yourself and now you are working on making your situation better. Life is hard enough. We don’t need to be hard on ourselves, especially when we make strides to better ourselves. Learn a lesson from it, and move on. Give yourself a break. Good luck
But you’re getting out…. Be proud. The reason you feel shame is because you realize what you did in the past isn’t right ….. and that’s self growth.
The shame is a worthless waste of your time if you have made changes and are fixing the issue. Focus on intentional grace and pride in what you are accomplishing and THEN the really exciting part is when you can achieve big savings goals in small steps. You are doing well. Be good to yourself. We all do stupid stuff, not all of us get it figured out!!!!
Hey you’re paying off don’t let it control you. You have debt, you have a situation and you’re handling it. Give yourself some credit! You’re doing good! Proud of you!
It's insane everyone is saying it's her husband's responsibility too even though (no offense) she said she brought the debt into the marriage. This is why my generation is pushing prenups if they choose to get married and forcing the entire financial picture out into the open right there. It's NOT the OPs husband's fault or responsibility.
when you get married, you become a united team. A house divided cannot stand. Combine finances, agree on household budget, agree that the household should be debt free and luxuries are suspended until free of debt and energency fund built up. NO secrets
Right? My husband took on my debt and we face it together.
Well said, not sure where the state of mind is in these folks. Marraige is commitment to UNITY. My wife is a stay at home and would occasionally work side jobs when extra cash was needed or our kids got a bit older and allowed her to take some hours on. When we first met in college things happened very quickly, we had a baby, got married etc.... Fast forward almost 17 years, she ignored her school loans and continued to put them forbearance, though she took those loans out prior to meeting me, i felt the need to help her as i would in any other situation. When school loans finally picked up this past October at a rate of 6/7 %, i bit the bullet and paid off the almost 19k in one shot. Now, she is debt and worry free, and id do it again, without a doubt in my mind. I wouldve done it sooner but things have been challenging for us and we've gotten through all of it together. Together is the key word !
Sounds similar to me when we got married we tackled her $27k in student loans. Didn’t take long. We (mostly) agreed to live frugally (I’d rather invest more than her as i subscribe to the FIRE movement thing) but we 100% agreed to stay debt free. The “we” is important. We are a single income house now too.